#battleshits

[bluesest]

Do a story about a police offier and a military man who are rivals having a shit holding contest

A Police Station

You might think that in a police office dealing with serious matters such as fugitive investigations, the cops working there must also be serious, but you would be surprised that many of them kill boredom in peculiar ways: Bruce was part of these cops, in fact, he was a military man who constantly worked there, he was a man in his 30's with remarkable muscles thanks to his training at the academy, he was in charge of filling out the data of the different criminals that were captured in the area so they could be processed and sent to jail. He did this job with his partner Dan. Dan was a man in his 30's relaxed and always joking, he trained at the same police academy as Bruce and they always got along badly as both were excellent at the academy and now on the job, they were definitely rivals. They competed in everything: on patrol, at the check-in, and even created their own competitions such as running, lifting, among others. But this time the competition went to a new level. During their coffee break, the two were arguing: Dan: "Don't think you're better than me just because you finished the report earlier…" Bruce: "Please… that shows how efficient I am, and the more efficient a person is, the better they do at work!" Dan: "Really? You're not even a cop!" Bruce: "That's true… I'm somewhat superior to that…" Dan: "If you're a military guy, then why are you working with cops and not other military guys?

Bruce: "Shut the fuck up… *BRRRRRRR* once…." Dan: "What's wrong with you Bruce, did the coffee hurt your weak stomach?" Bruce: "Of course it *PPPFFFFFFTTT* didn't…" Dan: "HA! Did a single cup of coffee really give off such a terrible smell? My stomach is able to handle coffee and much more, it's even better than your weak diarrhea stomach." Bruce: "right… and that time you drank a glass of milk, don't you remember that?" Dan: "THAT MILK WAS BAD!" Bruce: "yeah right…" Dan: "I bet I can hold out longer than you!" Bruce: "Okay… we'll each have to drink what hurts our stomachs, me a cup of hot coffee and you a glass of milk." Dan: "And with Laxatives too! To add more difficulty to the challenge, ready?" Bruce: "Ready." Both taking advantage of their break they left the station and walked to the nearest pharmacy where they bought fast acting laxative powder and together they returned to the station to mix it together with the coffee and milk. Bruce: Are you ready? Dan: Ready to humiliate you? Sure! They both in one sip drank their respective drinks, due to the laxative they tasted bitter, but at least the taste is a seal of quality that the laxative works too well.

Suddenly the boss arrives, a man in his 50's with gray hair, fat and shaggy, and although he is old, the man demonstrates an aura of superiority that instills fear of his inferiors or in general anyone near him. The boss was carrying a cup of hot bitter coffee and saw our protagonists "lounging around." Boss: "What are you two doing here, your coffee hour is over!" Dan: "We're sorry sir, we'll return to our post right away". Chief: "Of course not! Lawkeepers must have discipline, as punishment you must organize the warehouse record boxes at this time!" Bruce: "but…" Chief: "NOW!" With their heads bowed, they both went towards the farthest and darkest room in the station, the warehouse, as they entered through the door a large cloud of dust embraced them as they tried to find the room's light switch. When they turned on the light they saw that they had a lot of work to do and so they got down to work: Bruce organized the titles of the boxes in alphabetical order while Dan cleaned the dust from the place. Bruce: "This is all your fault Dan." Dan: "My fault? If you're the one who wanted to have the receipt when we bought the laxative, we took forever because of you." Bruce: "Technically you're the one who came up with the contest idea" Dan: "don't complain, it's done, how's your tummy doing my little baby". Bruce: "I'm fine and besides I'm not a baby".

Dan: "Sure? Why do I think you'll need a diaper soon?" Bruce: "In this station there are 6 cubicles in the only bathroom, there are only two of us so I don't think anyone here needs a diaper, clown." Dan: "What did you say?" At that moment, Dan threw the broom he was using at that instant at Bruce. Bruce: "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU! uggghhhh!" Suddenly Bruce grabs his stomach with both hands and starts sweating. Dan: "really, you're a military guy and it hurt something like that? I didn't even pull it hard!" Bruce: "Shut up…" Dan: "Wait, I know what's going on, anger upset your stomach, right?" Bruce: "I said *BURP* you shut up…" Dan: "HAHAHA this challenge is going to be a lot easier than I thought." Bruce still in pain came at Dan and pushed him causing him to fall. Dan: "Hey! BRRRRR oh… *PFFFFFFFTFTTTTTTTTTTTTTT*" Bruce laughed at this situation while Dan was lying on the ground in embarrassment, but Bruce laughed some more, causing a terrible gas to come out of him *PPPPPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTT*. Dan: "aghhh it reeks of the typical coffee smell you emanate every day". Bruce: "This is he who rotted our office the day he drank that milk… ugghhhhhh" The tension was growing in the huge warehouse, everyone doing their job, but little by little the effects of the laxative appeared driving our guys crazy. The warehouse being enclosed without any ventilation caused the heat and odors to build up in the air combining them for a toxic cloud that would disgust anyone who smelled it.

Both couldn't stand the smell and the heat, however, admitting it would be a statement of defeat as they couldn't stand the very odors their bodies produced: a mixture of sweat, carbon dioxide and of course the methane produced by their huge, sweaty bubble butts in the tight uniform. Both boys gave up on at least showing their discomfort in the temperature of the place. Bruce: "Wow, I can't stand the BRRRRR heat in here." Dan: "You're telling me, there should be some kind of fan or window around here." Dan starts scanning the place: "Wow this warehouse stinks horrible, and I'm not even in the place we're working… Damn, are there really not even windows in this place? Ha! I guess I know what it's like to be an intern here *BBRRRRRR* oh shit… *BBRRRRRRRR* I should look to see if there are any bathrooms in this warehouse… I don't plan on losing or cheating, just BBRRRRRRRRRRRR agghhh, just…. I'm getting ready for when Bruce gives up so I can show him where the loser's throne is… HAHAHAHAHAH *BBRRRRRRRRRR* there's no… *PPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTT* no no no no no *PPPFFFFTTTTTTT* hang in there, hang in there! *PPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTT*… it almost all came out, I hope Bruce gives up soon or I'll have more things to clean up in this warehouse." Meanwhile Bruce tries to concentrate on locating the boxes full of reports and records properly, but gradually his vision becomes blurry and he begins to feel slight dizziness and a swelling in his stomach. Bruce gasps in exhaustion and pain.

Bruce gasps tired and sore, but he must prove that he is the best: "I must keep calm, *BURP* I just need more time, wait a minute, what if Dan ran away and went to use the bathroom, I CAN'T ALLOW IT!" Bruce wearily walks slowly to find Dan, after 5 minutes he finally finds him poking around in the old appliances in the storage room: Bruce: "HEY!" Dan: "AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH *PPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTT*… man enough with that scaring people…" Bruce: "ufffff you're really deflating aren't you, anyway, I came to make sure you didn't cheat trying to get out of the warehouse and find a toilet." Dan: "me cheating? don't you know me or does your mind make you think those things because you're desperate?" Bruce: "of course *PPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT* no…" Dan: "Yuck!" A sound invades the place, it was the creaking door of the warehouse where a young intern is seen entering unannounced. Intern: "ho-hello, the boss asked me to clean the warehouse and… uggghhhh what stinks? No wonder this place needs to be cleaned." Bruce: "Well…" Dan: "You finally got here! We've been waiting for you, on the right is the dust broom." Bruce: "And… you should also organize all these boxes of records in alphabetical order…" Intern: "Okay…" Dan: "Thank you very much boy for choosing to spend your internship here, we will be back soon to see your progress my little cadet." They both fled the place and were saved from working in such high temperatures for a whole day, Bruce was angry because surely the boss sent the intern for Dan and him to help him, but he was left to his fate with a toxic gas in the air, but also, Bruce was grateful to Dan for getting him out of that warehouse hell, now he just had to resist the hell in his stomach until Dan can't take it anymore. An alarming stomach growl invaded Dan's body, suddenly: *PPPFFFFFFFFFTFTTTT* "(oh no, I think here it comes, aghhhhhh I feel like my anus is on fire) … hey Bruce, it really was an oven in the warehouse, I want to cool my face in the…. bathrooms." Bruce: "You really want me to believe that? *BRRRRRR* aghhhh *PPFFFFFFTTT* (I think… I shit my pants, that fart came with surprise) … ok I'm burning up too, come on already BRRRRRR…" They both slyly start walking fast, then run straight to the station bathroom and ran into the surprise of: Dan: "Fuck! There's a long line for the bathroom… Which has six cubicles!" Bruce: "Of course I should have guessed… it's three o'clock, it's the middle of the day, usually that's when most of our fellows get the urge to go pee, or also… well, suffer the effects of coffee…"

Dan: "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! … from this heat I'm having… there's only one bathroom in this office besides this one!" Bruce: "You're not talking about…" Dan: "You know what I'm talking about." Bruce: "The boss's bathroom… are you crazy?" Dan: "Of course I'm not, at this hour the boss usually frequents a restaurant, so his office is empty, there's only one chance, and only one toilet, I'll get there first." Bruce: "Toilet?" Dan: "I DID NOT SAY THAT!" Bruce: "HA! Do you really want to give up? Ughhhhhhh *PPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTT* *PPRRRRRRR*" Dan: "Don't tell me what…" Bruce: "Fuck you." Then Bruce started running while his wet farts were coming out of his body at an alarming speed, Dan was stunned to learn that his military friend shit his pants, but there was no time, he had to get there first before Bruce. Dan started to run losing control of his bowels: Bruce was approaching the office until suddenly one of his coworkers arrived: Coworker: "Hey Bruce, I heard the boss put you and Dan to work in the warehouse, so I was wondering if you could carry this box there for me?" Bruce: "I…" Suddenly Dan ran past him: Coworker: "That was Dan, why was he running, and why did it start stinking up the place?

Bruce: "Listen I don't have time, it's just…you know…I have to report and…bye." Bruce ran as fast as he could until he could see in the distance how Dan was trying to force the door of the boss's office: Dan: "Fuck, if I apply too much force I'll not only break the door, I'll break my anus too!" Bruce: "GET OUT OF THE WAY!" And with force Bruce broke the door with his forearm, a technique they both learned from the academy, because of that push Bruce fell to the office floor while Dan tried to run, but his legs almost didn't respond to avoid making a mess. Weakened Bruce started to get up and grabbed Dan's elbow: Dan: "Let me use the bathroom first, I'm just going to freshen up, after that you can shit all you want." Bruce: "I don't want to take a shit, I just can't stand the heat, I'll use it first and let you relax your bowels afterwards." Dan: "NO SHIT!" They both started fighting and pushing each other until a misstep caused bruce to back up and clutch his stomach with all his might as the wet gas made its way through his rectum to the outside.

This was taken advantage of by Dan who in desperation began to quickly unbutton his blue pants and began to undress in front of his partner even before he reached the bathroom. His body from the hip down was naked, his sweaty cock and ass were in the air getting oxygen and a break from the tight clothing.

While Bruce looked on in confusion, Dan sat on the toilet without closing the door and finally their struggle ended: *PPPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTT* *PPPPRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR* *QSHQSHQSHQHSSQHQHQSS*. Dan started with a fart and then the pressure was released with a torrent of brown diarrhea, the smell wafted out of the small room and came to flood the entire office: *PPFFFTTT* *QHSHQSHQSHQSHQSHQSHQSHQSHSHSHSHSQHSQSSSSSSSSSSSSS* *PRPRPRPRPSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS* *GASP* *BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR* *PRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSP* The look of pain and satisfaction on Dan's face said it all, apparently he waited for this moment all day in silent agony, his face was red and sweaty. *PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS* "Aggghhhhhhh my god, finally…" In a lull, Dan turned to look at Bruce who was dumbfounded, so much so that his urge to explode the toilet disappeared as well:

Bruce: "Of course not! *FLIPS* that means… I WON!"

Dan: "Fuck you… *BRRRR* *PRPRPRPRPRPRPPSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSQSQSQSQSQSSHSQHHHHHHHHHHHSSS* AGGHHH" Bruce turned and saw Dan's boxer briefs stained with a deep brown liquid which reminded him that: *PPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTT* *BRRRRRRRRRRR*. Bruce: "Well, since I won, I'm going to the bathroom right now." Dan: "which bathroom, genius?" Bruce realized what was going on, he won, but at what cost, desperate he asked Dan where he could "break free". Dan with a smirk said, "well, I don't see any trash cans around here, so how about that coffee pot, the boss's favorite."

Bruce: "Of course I'm not going there asshole." Dan: "Well, there are only two other options: either you can shit in your precious green uniform and go home shitting, or you can also shit in the dumpsters in the hallways with an audience obviously!"

Bruce was about to angrily yell at his partner until another cringe made him panic and he did something he would regret all his life: Just like Dan, Bruce started stripping in front of him, freeing his totally sweaty round bubble butt with brown diarrhea stains and desperately put the boss's coffee pot on the floor and sat on it using it as a toilet: *PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS* *PPPRRRRRRRRRRRRRR* *PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTT* *PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS* *PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS* Dan: "Wow, I didn't think you were capable…" Bruce: "Shut up."

*PPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTT* *PPPPPPSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS* *SQHSHQSHQSHQHSHQSHQSHSQSHSQHSHSHSSSSSSS* *PPFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTT* *BRRRRRRR*.

The smell was putrid, it combined in the air along with the smell emanating from Bruce, they both had a big stomach ache from holding it in for so long. The coffee pot was already half full of a coffee-like liquid, but in taste and smell it was the worst thing in the world, a strange mixture of yesterday's dinner and Bruce's breakfast today.

It should be mentioned that the coffee pot was not wide enough to hide and retain the military man's big ass and penis.

Dan: "you really outdid yourself with this one." Bruce: "ohhhhhhhhhhhhh"

Dan: "But if you think you can outdo me, dude I'm telling you no: *PSPSPSPPSSPPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPS* *PFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTT* *PFFFFFFFTTTTT* *PLOP* *PPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRP*" Bruce: "…another competition?" Dan: "We always do weird competitions, a battleshit would be the weirdest of all, more so than this one…" Bruce: "I don't feel like thinking about anything right now… AAAHHHHHHHHHH *PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS* *PFFFFFFFTFTFTTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTF* *PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS* *SQSHQSHQSHQHSHQSHSQSQSQSHSHHHHHHHHH* AGGHHHHH" Dan: "You say you don't want to compete, but that was intentional, wasn't it?" Bruce: "You know coffee makes me sick, obviously it wasn't intentional…oohhhh *BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR*"

Dan: "That roar says something else." Bruce: What does it say?Dan: "It says he's setting up heavyweights, and I've already got the guns ready PSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSP SHQSHQSHQSHHQSHHQSHQSHSQHQSHQSHQSHS BRRRRRRRRRR PRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPPSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSP"

Bruce: "that was…" Dan: "Unbelievable? I know." Bruce: "Nope, disappointing, look at this… or, rather, smell and listen to this: *PPPFFFFFFFFFFFFTTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTTFTF* *PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS* *PFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTT* *PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTT* *PRRRRRRRPPRPRPRPRPRPRPR* *SQHSHSHSHSHQHQSHQSHQSHSHS* HA HA HA HA… OHHHH *PLOP* *PFFFTTT* *PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPR*" Dan: "Like this? You haven't seen anything: *PFFTT* *PSPPPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSSPSSPSS* *QSHQSHQSHQSHQSHHQSHQSHQSHQSHQHSQHS* *PLOP* *PLOP* *PLOP* *PRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR* *BRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR* *BRBRBRRRRRRRRRRRRR* *PFFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFPSSSSSSSSSSSSPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRP* *BRRRRRRRRRR* *PSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH* *SHHQSHSHQSHQSHHSQHSQHQSHQSHQSHQSHS* *PLOP*"

Bruce: "Well….GET READY!: *PFFFTTT* *PRPRPSSSSSSSS*

"Dan: "Apparently you ran out of ammo Bruce."

Bruce: "HAHAHAHAHAH okay, you won at… Who shits the most?"

Dan: "I'll wear that title with honor *PLOP* partner."

Both partners laughed and after 10 minutes fled the crime room without first cleaning the bathroom and throwing the boss's coffee pot in the trash, praying the smell wouldn't clog the office.

[misterlazer]

"What a Shitty Day..."

- Yang

[ctbvoicework]

hey I’m just wondering when that battleshits scene I requested will be done.

I don't do requests, sorry. I do commissions and I don't seem to see your name on my listing.

[browser5]

How about a story about a mid 20’s office worker whose lactose intolerant but is worried about blowing up a bathroom with someone in the stall next to him? But he ends up playing battleshits with his older coworker whose about in his mid 30’s to early 40’s who is also lactose intolerant. Like the younger office worker is looking around for bathrooms but each one is occupied but then he finally finds one with two stalls and both are empty but as soon as he comes in so does his older coworker but at this point he can’t leave because it would be awkward and he can’t hold it much longer so he goes into one of the stalls and he tries to be quiet because he’s scared of what his older coworker will think just for his coach to let out a loud booming shart. And his older coworker says hello to him when he comes in the bathroom and says “looks like we had the same idea. Idk about you but lunch fucked my stomach up I’m about to blow this bitch up” and after the older coworker let’s loose he says sorry about that I had some dairy I’m lactose” it doesn’t exactly have to be that but just something with dairy lol. After the older coworker says that the younger worker lets loose because his older coworker made him feel comfortable with letting loose and the younger coworker reveals that he is also lactose intolerant.eventually they just strike up a conversation about pooping in public and being lactose intolerant. the older coworker talks about how being lactose intolerant made him comfortable with pooping in public and they just play a game of battleshits.

Something similar like this actually happend to me (except that it was involuntary). Also office again hahah. I think this would be great as a fic idea, but I'll look into it as a recording script.

Also I drank so excuse spelling mistakes

[m39]

Doom WADs’ Roulette (2006): TurboCharged ARCADE!

Let’s finish the Bronze League of 2006 with another Mockaward winner, shall we?

Br2 Br3: TurboCharged ARCADE!

Main author(s): Xaser Acheron

Release date: November 18th, 2006 (database upload)

Version played:

Required port compatibility: ZDoom

Levels: 8

As I said in my previous review, there is a second Mockaward winner from 2006. And unlike How Not To Be Seen, this is actually a proper Doom WAD... sort of.

TurboCharged ARCADE is a collection of eight experimental maps, each testing different aspects of using ZDoom features. All spiced up with some vulgar humor, fitting its times.

Now, Xaser was a guy who helped with mapping for the first ZDoom Community Map Project take along with some scripting in its second version, so why won’t take a look at what he created when he was brainstorming, huh?

Let’s start with obvious first - none of the maps look really good. Most of these look really basic, outdated even by 2006. I can, however, somewhat forgive that since these maps are (as I said earlier) experimental, so their look wasn’t a priority.

The music was fine to listen to. Nothing ear-grating.

Also most of the time, this collection is unfairly cheap. You would think that firing twice as fast and carrying 1.5 times more ammo will make it easier but here’s the problem – you are not the only one on coke! The demons are on coke too; being twice as fast along with their projectiles being twice as fast too. The only way to actually play these maps without ripping your hair out is either with God mode enabled or on the easiest difficulty setting AKA I'm too young to die. Never though such a day will come, when I’ll be forced to play on the easiest difficulty level in Doom.

Now, you might be asking: Why I didn’t talk about how you play these levels? Hell, why didn’t I show anything at all? Simple - it’s because each of these maps is so unique (even if janky) that it’s worth more to talk about these individually.

I’ll start with the fact that you can play all of these maps in any order from the menu (still Pistol-starting though). Not to mention how each one of these ends with you dying and receiving a funny intermission screen at the end.

As for the maps themselves, here is what you need to know about them:

At Home - You are in your very tiny house and your task is to exit it while walking very slowly.

Go To Hell! – You end up in Hell and you have to kill monsters in tight areas to reach a teleporter at the end.

Prison R[[SOAP DROPPING]]! – You are surrounded by devilish goats behind prison bars in a tight corridor and you have to press two switches before squashing them into the red paste.

You are Pablo Picasso – You have to paint a human by stepping on a canvas. To make it harder, there are invisible walls that force you to take a very linear path while Imps are bombarding you. Probably my favorite map of this WAD.

Here is a tip: it’s easier to do this with strafing instead of turning.

Battleshit – You are playing Battleship with a Cyberdemon (which has only one tile). After winning, you fight him with the Plasma Gun.

Go Eat Shit, Sherlock! – After killing Sherlock Holmes, you are forced to finish his latest murder case; filled with unskippable cutscenes that don’t allow you to move (at least they are somewhat funny and don’t feel like they drag out). Also at the end, you must kill 38 demons.

The Matrix Has You – You basically blow the shit up in a bastardized version of Matrix. There are two sections where you are forced to play in bullet-time and at the end you fight the Agent (which might be easier than the rest of the map). Also, there is a secret with a Super Shotgun that you can’t carry after fighting in the office building.

I'm H[[YOUTUBE]] – You are fighting Mr. Adolf [[HEMMORROIDS]] himself, now in a form of a cube. This map is also the worst one when it comes to bullshit moments; especially at the final area, where the boss heals himself at a ridiculous speed, to the point where he can end up softlocked with healing so fast that nothing stops him when he is dying.

While I still think that How Not To Be Seen is still funnier due to me having more of a blast from Monty Python rather than randomness out of the mid-2000s this collection offers, I think it was still funnier than the previous Mockaward winners.

And that’s basically all I have to say about TurboCharged ARCADE. I wouldn’t call this set of maps good, but at least it was interesting to see what could be done with ZDoom by 2006.

And since I’m done with all of the bronze WADs, it would finally be time to choose which WAD should be promoted to the Revenant Awards without all WADs winning by default.

See you next time.

Bye.

[bluesest]

Una Estación de Policías (Spanish Version of "A Police Station")

Se puede pensar que en una oficina de policías al tratar asuntos serios como investigaciones de fugitivos también deben ser serios los policías que trabajan allí, pero te sorprenderías que muchos de estos matan el aburrimiento de formas peculiares:

Bruce era parte de estos policías, de hecho, era un militar que constantemente trabaja allí, era un hombre en sus 30 años con notables músculos gracias a su entrenamiento en la academia, era el encargado de llenar los datos de los distintos criminales que se capturaban en la zona para asi ser procesados y enviarlos a la cárcel. Este trabajo lo realizaba con su compañero Dan.

Dan era un hombre en sus 30 años relajado y siempre bromeando, el entrenó en la misma academia de policías que Bruce y siempre se llevaron mal ya que ambos eran excelentes en la academia y ahora en el trabajo, definitivamente eran rivales.

Competían en todo: durante el patrullaje, en el registro, e incluso creaban sus propias competencias como lo son carreras, levantar peso, entre otros. Pero esta vez la competencia subió a un nuevo nivel.

En su descanso en la hora del Café, ambos discutían:

Dan: “No te creas mejor que yo solo porque terminaste el reporte antes…”

Bruce: “Por favor… eso demuestra lo eficiente que soy, y entre más eficiente sea una persona, ¡mejor le va en el trabajo!”

Dan: “¿En serio? ¡NI SIQUIERA ERES UN POLICIA!”

Bruce: “Es verdad… soy algo superior a eso…”

Dan: “Si eres un militar, entonces ¿porque trabajas con policías y no con otros militares?”

Bruce: “Cállate de una puta… *BRRRRR* vez…”

Dan: “¿Qué te sucede Bruce? ¿Acaso el café daño tu débil estómago?”

Bruce: “Por supuesto que *PPPFFFFTT* no…”

Dan: “¡HA! ¿En serio por un solo café salió un olor tan terrible? Mi estómago es capaz de soportar café y mucho más, es incluso mejor que tu débil estómago diarreico.”

Bruce: “claro… ¿y aquella vez que te tomaste un vaso de leche? ¿No lo recuerdas?”

Dan: “¡ESA LECHE ESTABA EN MAL ESTADO!”

Bruce: “si claro…”

Dan: “¡Apuesto que puedo aguantar más tiempo que tú!”

Bruce: “De acuerdo… cada uno tendrá que tomar lo que le daña a su estómago, yo una taza de café caliente y tu un vaso de leche.”

Dan: “¡y También con Laxantes! Para añadir más dificultad al reto, ¿listo?”

Bruce: “Listo.”

Ambos aprovechando que estaban en su descanso salieron de la estación y caminaron hasta la farmacia más cercana en donde compraron laxante en polvo de rápida acción y juntos regresaron a la estación para mezclarlo junto al café y a la leche.

Bruce: ¿Estás listo?

Dan: ¿Listo para humillarte? ¡Claro!

Ambos de un solo sorbo bebieron sus respectivas bebidas, debido al laxante tenían un sabor amargo, pero al menos el sabor es un sello de calidad de que el laxante funciona demasiado bien.

De repente llega el jefe, un hombre en sus 50 años con pelo canoso, gordo y peludo, y aunque es viejo, el hombre demuestra un aura de superioridad que infunde miedo de sus inferiores o en general de cualquier persona cerca de él.

El jefe llevaba una taza de café amargo caliente y vio a nuestros protagonistas “holgazaneando”

Jefe: “¿Qué hacen ustedes dos aquí? ¡Ya se acabó su hora de café!”

Dan: “Lo lamentamos señor, regresaremos a nuestro puesto enseguida”

Jefe: “¡Claro que no! Los encargados de la ley deben tener disciplina, como castigo deben organizar las cajas de registros del almacén en este momento”

Bruce: “pero…”

Jefe: “¡AHORA!”

Con la cabeza agachada, ambos fueron hacia el cuarto más alejado y oscuro de la estación, el almacén, al entrar por la puerta una gran nube de polvo los abrazo mientras que intentaban encontrar el interruptor de la luz del cuarto.

Al encender la luz vieron que tenían mucho trabajo que hacer y entonces se pusieron manos a la obra: Bruce organizaba los títulos de las cajas por orden alfabético mientras que Dan limpiaba el polvo del lugar.

Bruce: “Todo esto es por tu culpa Dan”

Dan: “¿mi culpa? Si tú eres el quien quiso tener el recibo cuando compramos el laxante, nos tardamos un montón por tu culpa”

Bruce: “Técnicamente tu fuiste el de la idea del concurso”

Dan: “no te quejes, ya está hecho, como va tu pancita mi pequeño bebe”

Bruce: “estoy bien y además no soy un bebe”

Dan: “Seguro? Por qué creo que necesitaras un pañal pronto”

Bruce: “En esta estación hay 6 cubículos en el único baño, solo somos dos personas asi que no creo que nadie de aquí necesite un pañal, payaso”

Dan: “¿Cómo me dijiste?”

En ese momento, Dan le tiro a Bruce la escoba que utilizaba en ese instante

Bruce: “¡¿QUÉ TE PASA?! uggghhhh”

De repente Bruce se agarra con sus dos manos su estómago y empieza a sudar.

Dan: “¿en serio? ¿Eres un militar y te dolió algo como eso? Ni siquiera lo tire con fuerza”

Bruce: “Cállate…”

Dan: “Espera, ya sé lo que sucede, el enojo altero tu estómago, ¿verdad?”

Bruce: “Dije que te *BURP* callaras…”

Dan: “HAHAHA este reto será mucho más fácil de lo que pensaba”

Bruce aun con dolor se vengo de Dan y lo empujo haciendo que se caiga.

Dan: “¡OYE! *BRRRRR* oh… *PFFFFFTTTTTTTT*”

Bruce se rio ante esta situación mientras que Dan estaba tirado en el suelo avergonzado, pero Bruce se rio de más, haciendo que de el saliera un terrible gas *PPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFTT*

Dan: “aghhh apesta a el típico olor a café que emanas cada día”

Bruce: “Habla el quien pudrió nuestra oficina el día que tomo esa leche… ugghhhh”

La tensión crecía en el enorme almacén, cada uno haciendo su trabajo, pero poco a poco los efectos del laxante aparecían volviendo locos a nuestros muchachos.

El almacén al estar cerrado sin ninguna ventilación provocaba que el calor y los olores se acumularan en el aire combinándolos para una nube tóxica que asquearía a cualquiera que lo oliera.

Ambos no podían soportar el olor y el calor, sin embargo, admitirlo sería una declaración de derrota al no soportar los propios olores que producían sus cuerpos: una mezcla de sudor, dióxido de carbono y por supuesto el metano producido por sus enormes y sudorosos traseros de burbuja en el uniforme apretado.

Ambos chicos se rindieron en al menos demostrar su malestar en la temperatura del sitio.

Bruce: “Vaya, no soporte el *BRRR* calor de aquí”

Dan: “Ni que lo digas, debería haber algún ventilador o alguna ventana por aquí”

Dan empieza a explorar el sitio: “Vaya este almacén apesta horrible, y ni siquiera estoy en el lugar donde estamos trabajando… Maldición, ¿realmente no hay ni siquiera ventanas en este lugar? ¡Ha! supongo que ya se lo que se siente ser un pasante aquí *BBRRRRR* oh mierda… *BBRRRRR* debería buscar si hay algún baño en este almacén… no pienso perder ni hacer trampa, solo que *BBRRRRRRRR* agghhh, solo… estoy preparándome para cuando Bruce se rinda y asi yo poder mostrarle donde está el trono de los perdedores… HAHAHAHAH *BBRRRRRRR* hay no… *PPPFFFFFFFFFTTTTTT* no no no no *PPPFFTTTTT* ¡resiste, resiste! *PPPPPFFFFFFTTTTTT*… casi se me sale todo, ojalá que Bruce se rinda pronto o tendré más cosas que limpiar en este almacén”

Mientras tanto Bruce intenta concentrarse en ubicar bien las cajas llenas de reportes y registros, pero poco a poco su visión se vuelve borrosa y empieza a sentir leves mareos y una hinchazón en su estómago.

Bruce Jadea cansado y adolorido, pero debe demostrar que él es el mejor: “Debo mantener la calma, *BURP* solo necesito más tiempo, un momento, ¿Qué tal si Dan se escapó y fue a usar el baño? ¡NO LO PUEDO PERMITIR!”

Bruce cansado camina lentamente para encontrar a Dan, luego de 5 minutos finalmente lo encuentra husmeando en los electrodomésticos viejos del almacén:

Bruce:”¡HEY!”

Dan: “AAHHHHHHH *PPPFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTT*… viejo basta con eso de asustar a la gente…”

Bruce: “ufffff realmente te estas desinflando, ¿no?, como sea, vine para asegurarme de que no hicieras trampa intentando salir del almacén y encontrar un inodoro”

Dan: “¿Yo hacer trampa? ¿No me conoces o acaso tu mente te hace pensar esas cosas porque estas desesperado?”

Bruce: “claro que *PPPFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTT* no…”

Dan: “¡Qué asco!”

Un sonido invade el lugar, era la puerta chirriante del almacén en donde se ve a un joven pasante entrando sin avisar.

Pasante: “ho-hola, el jefe me pidió limpiar el almacén y… uggghhhh ¿qué apesta? Con razón se necesita limpiar este lugar”

Bruce: “Bueno…”

Dan: “¡Finalmente llegaste! Te estábamos esperando, a la derecha esta la escoba para el polvo”

Bruce: “Y… también debes organizar todas estas cajas de registros por orden alfabético…”

Pasante: “Esta bien…”

Dan: “Muchas gracias chico por elegir pasar tus pasantías aquí, volveremos pronto para ver tu progreso, mi pequeño cadete”

Ambos huyeron del lugar y se salvaron de trabajar en tan altas temperaturas por todo un día, Bruce estaba enojado por que seguramente el jefe mando al pasante para que Dan y el lo ayudaran, pero lo dejaron abandonado a su suerte con un gas tóxico en el aire, pero también, Bruce estaba agradecido con Dan por sacarlo de ese infierno de almacén, ahora solo le tocaba resistir el infierno en su estómago hasta que Dan no pueda más.

Un alarmante rugido estomacal invado el cuerpo de Dan, de pronto: *PPPFFFFFTTTT* “(oh no, creo que aquí viene, aghhhh siento que mi ano está ardiendo) … oye Bruce, realmente era un horno el almacén, quiero refrescarme la cara en los… baños”

Bruce: “¿En serio quieres que te crea eso? *BRRRRR* aghhhh *PPFFFFTT* (creo que… me cague en los pantalones, ese pedo vino con sorpresa) … ok yo también estoy ardiendo en calor, vamos de una *BRRRR* vez…”

Ambos disimuladamente empiezan a caminar rápido, para luego correr directamente hacia el baño de la estación y se toparon con la sorpresa de:

Dan: “¡Carajo! Hay una larga fila para el baño… ¡Qué tiene seis cubículos!”

Bruce: “Por supuesto debí imaginarlo… son las tres en punto, es medio día, usualmente es cuando la mayoría de nuestros compañeros les urge ir a orinar, o también… bueno, sufren los efectos del café…”

Dan: “¡NO PUEDO SOPORTARLO MÁS! … de este calor que tengo… solo hay un baño en esta oficina además de este”

Bruce: “No hablas de…”

Dan: “Sabes a lo que me estoy refiriendo”

Bruce: “El baño del jefe… ¿estás loco?”

Dan: “Claro que no lo estoy, a esta hora el jefe suele frecuentar un restaurante, asi que su oficina esta vacía, solo hay una oportunidad, y solo un inodoro, yo llegare primero”

Bruce: “¿Inodoro?”

Dan: “¡NO DIJE ESO!”

Bruce: “¡HA! ¿Realmente quieres rendirte? Ughhhhh *PPPPFFFFFFFTTTTTT* *PPRRRRR*”

Dan: “No me digas que…”

Bruce: “Jodete”

Luego Bruce empezó a correr mientras sus pedos húmedos salían de su cuerpo a una velocidad alarmante, Dan quedo estupefacto al enterarse que su amigo militar se cago en sus pantalones, pero no había tiempo, el debía llegar primero antes que Bruce.

Dan empezó a correr perdiendo el control de sus intestinos: *PRPRPRPRPR* “Qué asco, no puede ser, no quiero perder, pero tampoco quiero ensuciar mi uniforme de policía, se ve tan sexy y el pantalón es tan apretado que no podría siquiera sacármelo rápido”

Bruce se acercaba a la oficina hasta que de pronto llego uno de sus compañeros:

Compañero: “Oye Bruce, me enteré que el jefe los puso a trabajar a ti y a Dan en el almacén, asi que me preguntaba si tu podrías llevar esta caja allí por mi”

Bruce: “yo…”

De repente Dan paso corriendo pasando por su lado:

Compañero: “¿Ese era Dan? ¿Porque corría? ¿Y porque empezó a apestar horrible aquí?

Bruce: “Escúchame no tengo tiempo, es que… ya sabes… tengo que reportarme y… ADIOS”

Bruce corrió lo más rápido que pudo hasta que pudo ver a lo lejos como Dan intentaba forzar la puerta de la oficina del jefe:

Dan: “Joder, si aplico mucha fuerza no solo romperé la puerta, sino que también romperé mi ano”

Bruce: “¡HASTE A UN LADO!”

Y con fuerza Bruce rompió la puerta con su antebrazo, una técnica que ambos aprendieron de la academia, por eso empuje Bruce cayo al piso de la oficina mientras que Dan intento correr, pero sus piernas casi no le respondían al evitar hacer un desastre.

Bruce debilitado empezó a levantarse y agarro del codo a Dan:

Dan: “Déjame usar el baño primero, solo voy a refrescarme, luego de eso podrás cagar todo lo que quieras”

Bruce: “No quiero cagar, solo no soporto el calor, yo lo usare primero y te dejare relajar tus intestinos después”

Dan: “¡NI HABLAR!”

Ambos empezaron a pelear y a empujarse entre si hasta que un mal paso hizo que bruce retroceda y se agarrara su estomago con todas sus fuerzas mientras que el gas húmedo se hacia paso por su recto hacia el exterior.

*PPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFTTFTFTFTFTFT* *PRPRPRPRPRPRPRRPPR*

Esto fue aprovechado por Dan quien en su desesperación empezó a desabrocharse rápidamente su pantalón azul y empezó a desnudarse delante de su compañero incluso antes de llegar al baño.

Su cuerpo de la cadera hacia abajo estaba desnudo, su pene y culo sudoroso estaban al aire recibiendo oxígeno y un descanso de la ropa ajustada.

Mientras que Bruce lo veía confundido, Dan se sentó en el inodoro sin cerrar la puerta y finalmente su lucha termino:

*PPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTT* *PPPPRRRRRRRRRRRRR* *QSHQSHQHSSQHQSS*

Dan empezó con un pedo y luego la presión se libero con un torrente de diarrea marrón, el olor salió del pequeño cuarto y llego a inundar la oficina entera:

*PPFFFTTT* *QHSHQSHQSHQSHQHSHSHSQHSQSSSSSSSSS* *PRPRPRPSSSSSSSSSSSSS* *JADEO* *BRRRRRRRR* *PRRRRRRRRRRRRPSPSPSPSPSP*

La expresión de dolor y satisfacción de la cara de Dan lo decía todo, al parecer espero por este momento todo el día agonizando en silencio, su cara estaba roja y sudada.

*PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS* “Aggghhhhh Dios mío, finalmente…”

En un momento de calma, Dan volteo a ver a Bruce que estaba estupefacto, tanto que desaparecieron sus ganas de explotar el inodoro también:

Dan: “¡¿QUÉ HACES VIENDOME?! ¡¿QUE TE PRENDE O QUE?!”

Bruce: “¡Claro que no! *VOLTEA* eso significa que… ¡GANE!”

Dan: “Jodete… *BRRRR* *PRPRPRPRPRPPSSSSSSSSQSQSQSQSSHSQHHHHHHHSSS* AGGHHH”

Bruce volteo y vio el calzoncillo de Dan manchado de un liquido marrón profundo lo que le recordó que: *PPPPFFFFFFFTTTTTTT* *BRRRRRRR*

Bruce: “Bueno, ya que gane, voy al baño ahora mismo”

Dan: “¿a cuál baño?, genio”

Bruce se dio cuenta lo que pasaba, gano, pero ¿a qué costo?, desesperado le pregunto a Dan donde podía “liberarse”

Dan con una sonrisa burlona dijo: “bueno, no veo ningún tacho de basura por aquí, asi que tal esa cafetera, la favorita del jefe”

Bruce: “Claro que no iré allí imbécil”

Dan: “Bueno, solo hay dos otras opciones: o te cagas en tu preciado uniforme verde e irse cagado a tu hogar, o también puedes cagar en los basureros de los pasillos con público obviamente”

Bruce iba a gritar enojado a su compañero hasta que otro retortijón le hizo entrar en pánico e hizo algo lo cual se arrepentiría toda su vida:

Asi como Dan, Bruce empezó a desnudarse enfrente de él, liberando su trasero redondo de burbuja totalmente sudado con manchas de diarrea marrón y desesperado puso la cafetera del jefe en el piso y se sentó en ella usándola como un inodoro:

*PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS* *PPPRRRRRRRR* *PFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTT* *PSSSSSSSSSSSSS*

Dan: “Wow, no te creía capaz…”

Bruce: “Cállate”

*PPPPFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTT* *PPPPSSSSSSSSSSSSSS* *SQHSHQSHQHSHQSHSQHSH* *PPFFFFTTT* *SHQSHSHSHQHSHHSHSHSSSSS* *PFFFFFFFTTTTTT* *BRRRRR*

El olor era pútrido, se combino en el aire junto al olor que emanaba Bruce, ambos tenían un gran dolor estomacal por aguantar tanto tiempo.

La cafetera ya estaba hasta la mitad de un liquido parecido al café, pero en sabor y olor era lo peor del mundo, una mezcla extraña de la cena de ayer y el desayuno de hoy de Bruce.

Hay que mencionar que la cafetera no era lo suficiente ancha como para ocultar y retener el gran trasero y pene del militar.

Dan: “realmente te superaste con esta.”

Bruce: “ohhhhhhhhh”

Dan: “Pero si crees superarme, amigo te digo que no: *PSPSPPSSPPSPSPSPSPSPS* *PFFFFFTTTTTTT* *PFFFFFTTT* *PLOP* *PPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRP*”

Bruce: “… ¿otra competencia?”

Dan: “Siempre hacemos competencias raras, una battleshit sería la más rara de todas, más que esta…”

Bruce: “No tengo ganas de pensar en nada ahora mismo… AAAHHHHHH *PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS* *PFFFFFTTFTFTFTFTFTF* *PSSSSSSSS* *SQSHQSHQHSHQSHSQSQSHSHHHHHHH* AGGHHH”

Dan: “Dices que no quieres competir, pero eso fue intencional, ¿no?”

Bruce: “Sabes que el café me hace mal, obviamente no fue intencional… oohhhh *BRRRRRRRRRR*”

Dan: “Ese rugido dice otra cosa”

Bruce: ¿Qué dice?

Dan: “Dice que está preparando pesos pesados, y yo ya tengo listos los cañones *PSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSPSP* *SHQSHQSHHQSHQSHSQHQSHQSHS* *BRRRRRR* *PRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPPSSSSSSSSSS* *SHHHHHHHHHHHHPSPSPSPSP*”

Bruce: “eso fue…”

Dan: “¿Increíble? Lo sé”

Bruce: “Nop, decepcionante, mira esto… o, mejor dicho, huele y escucha esto: *PPPFFFFFFTTFTFTFTFTFTTFTF* *PSSSSSSSSSSS* *PFFFFFFTTTTT* *PFFFFFFFFTTTTT* *PRRRRRPPRPRPRPRPR* *SQHSHSHSHQHQSHQSHS* HA HA HA… OHHHH *PLOP* *PFFFTTT* *PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSPRPRPRPRPRPRPPR*”

Dan: “¿Así? No has visto nada: *PFFTT* *PSPPPSPSPSPSPSPPSPSS* *QSHQSHQSHHQHSHQSHQHSQHS* *PLOP* *PLOP* *PLOP* *PLOP* *PRRRRRRRRRRRR* *BRBRRRRRRR* *PFFTFTFTFTFTFPSSSSSSSSPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRP* *BRRRRRR* *PSSSSHHHHHHHH* *SHHQSHSHQSHHSQHSQHQSHQSHQSHS* *PLOP*”

Bruce: “Bueno… ¡PREPARATE!: *PFFFTTT* *PRPRPSSSSSS*”

Dan: “Al parecer te quedaste sin munición Bruce”

Bruce: “HAHAHAHAH está bien, tu ganaste en… ¿Quién es el que caga más?”

Dan: “Llevare ese título con honor *PLOP* compañero”

Ambos compañeros se rieron y luego de 10 minutos huyeron de la sala del crimen sin antes limpiar el baño y botar la cafetera del jefe a la basura, rezando que el olor no se atasque en la oficina.

[happy4562]

Father/Son Battleshits

Ryan and his dad Zeke enjoyed competing against each other. Every sport you could think of they played. But, there biggest rivalry was at the arcade. They would hit up the Dave and busters and with $20 each, see who could collect the most tickets. On the way there they would stop off for some tacos since the food was too pricey at the arcade.

They each ate 5 or 6 tacos, extra spicy, and washed it down with some ice coffees. They arrived to Dave and busters around 11. It wasn’t too busy so they added money to their cards and started to play. Ryan tried to be strategic and play only the big ticket games. He occasionally slipped out a silent fart from the tacos.

Zeke’s strategy was to play easy to win games in the hopes of collecting a good amount of tickets with little risk. He too felt a rumble in his gut and became gassy while playing. After an hour of playing, both father and son needed to hit the facilities.

R: hey dad, bet you I can beat you in Battleshits!

Z: never gonna happen. I can blow you away

They both rushed to the mens room and took side by side stalls. Ryan dropped his pants first and quickly mounted the seat. A barrage of loose shit exploded out of him. Zeke quickly followed and collapsed onto the bowl. He let out a 30 second long wet fart before passing some diarrhea.

Z: see son. Told you I would win. That fart easily beat you

R: I’m not even close to done yet

Ryan began to bear down and let a rapid series of farts go. His ass sounded like a trumpet as his gas echoed loudly throughout the room. Zeke’s stomach gurgled loudly before passing straight liquid between his cheeks. Both guys were decimating the bowls beneath them. The tacos obviously were too spicy.

R: it fuckin stinks in here now!

Z: yeah we really showed these toilets whose boss

R: I think we both tied on this one

Z: yeah son. I think you’re right

Father and son wiped up and met each other at the sinks. They laughed over their game of Battleshits. They spent the rest of the time in the arcade playing games together rather than trying to compete. Contests could be had on another day.

[this-should-do]

watching the 2008 star trek movie by that guy who doesnt even like star trek cuz i noticed they jad it on netdlix just now and like??? this opening scene just dodsnt make sense in like the smallest aay like???

why da hell do they not already know the babys gender and also?? they had the comlinks on the entire time kirk sr was doing battleshit so he was there to listen to his wife give birth while teying to concentrate

and also shes doing a natural birth which like, im no star trek nerd im more casual but that kinda seems like something they wouldnt do?? like theyve got the tech to just csec everyone and have them be good as new after and itd prob be normalized too since itd be so safe, so why wouldnt they??

and also also giving birth takes fucking hours?? it could take up wards of 18 hours and at rhe beginning of her i tro duction she seems like shes just at the beginnjng stages so ur telling me it took almost a day for them to get situated in that shuttle craft, or is there sum fancy tech that can do a whole ass natural birth in just a few mins,,, like whaddhell

[allwtf]

Saw these dueling commodes. Battleshits anyone?

[journaloftomfooleryandjapery]

Code Geass? More like code piece of shit! Martian Successor Nadesico? More like martian SHITcessor nadeSHITo. Mobile Suit Gundam: The 08th MS Team? More like mobile poop bum man the 08th anal sex team! The Brave Express Might Gaine? More like The Brave Express Might pain in my ass! Full metal panic? More like full metal piece of shit! Evangelion: 3.0 You Can (Not) Redo? More like you can (not) redo this shitty anime! Buddy Complex? More like buddy complete ass! Cross Ange? more like cross ASS! Mazinkaiser? More like Mazinkeister! Mashin Hero Wataru? more like Mashit hero wataru! Crossbone Gundam? more like cock boned gundam! Space Battleship Yamato? Space battleshit yamato! Nadia: the secret of blue water? more like the secret of poo water! Gundam F91? More like gundam f u 91! Reconguista in G? More like Reconguista In Pee! Aura Battler Dunbine? more like Aura battler dump-bine! GUNXSWORD? more like GUNXBORED OUT OF MY FUCKING MIND! Aim For The Top! Diebuster! more like Aim For The Top ballbuster!

[moviee123]

Harold and Kumar Get The Munchies Review

Danny Leiner's magnum opus - Dude, Where's My Car? - may have been awful, but there's no denying the genius in that title, and, for the follow-up, it's good to see the muse hasn't left him. In fact, it's blossomed; where Dude was a skimpy ragbag of ideas strung together by the goofy coupling of Ashton Kutcher and Seann William Scott, Harold And Kumar is a much better riff on the same formula, with richer characters and a tighter, though no less stupid, script.

123movies

It's also a strangely radical movie, putting two smart, white-collar ethnic guys in a genre that's designed for young, dumb caucasians. But Leiner rarely plays the race card - yes, H&K do face racism, especially from the cops, but this cheerful romp simply satirises it into yet another thing that gets between the duo and their burgers. Like the escaped cheetah, for example, or an E'd-up Doogie Howser, who steals their car to quench his lust for more drugs and lap dancers.

Crasser gags - like the excruciatingly awful 'battleshits' scene - spoil what could have been a fantastic comedy, but this is cleverer than it looks, inviting Middle America to accept two non-WASP character actors as leads and illegal drug use as a suitable premise for a sweet, romantic comedy. For that alone, it should be applauded.

[realitista]

So, come here often?

[acitybythelightunited]

[zeroheadroom]

Perfectly designed for two opponents to play #Battleshits #war

[toonbuds]

A ToonBuds 420 movie quote crossword puzzle, can you solve the puzzle? Put your answers in the comments. Across 4-“Smells like tinkerbell’s wings” 7-“Damn, you sank my battleshit” 8-“Quit that crazy laughing” 10-“Now our masterpiece will never happen because we won’t be fueled by satan” 12-“I figure if I study high, take the test high, get high scores, right” 13-“Its not cheating if you spread peanut butter on your balls and let the dog lick it off” 14-“We got a fog rolling in here, man” 16-“Alright alright alright” 17-“Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn’t we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?” 18-“Tiny classified ads” Down 1-“Abrakadabra” 2-“My grandma drank all my pot” 3-“They say that true potheads stop getting the munchies after a certain point. I mean the true pothead wouldn’t even say the word munchies. I don’t know what the true pothead would say. Munchos or hungries or something. At any rate, I still love to eat when I’m high. So fuck you if you’re too cool to get hungry when you’re stoned. My free one year supply of Dr. Bjorns. Neat, huh?” 5-“Hey mellow out man” 6-“Thug life” 9-“Shibby” 11-“How awesome would it be if it killed me” 15-“When you hear the sound of thunder, don’t you get too scared. Just grab your thunder buddy and say these magic words: Fuck you thunder, you can suck my dick, you can’t get me, thunder, ‘cause you’re just God’s farts” #toonbuds #crossword #cannabis #weed #pot #marijuana #puzzle #game #420 #4202019 #cannabiscommunity #happy420 #green #puzzlesandgames #crosswordpuzzle #420life #howmanycanyoufind #fun #words #boston #moviequotes #420boston #420weekend #cannabispuzzle #cannabisgames #highlife #guess #highsociety #movies https://www.instagram.com/p/BwgAYdNB0ks/?igshid=1p11iz28lf4lk

[amplesalty]

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004)

A not so random review...

What’s this, content outside of the periods of October or December? Well, I guess you could call this striking while the iron is hot-ish, and trying to keep the ball rolling after I actually made it through a whole October for once. That and this is laying the groundwork for something a little further down the line.

Summarizing this as ‘the Indian dude from Van Wilder and the Asian dude from American Pie’ almost feels a little lazy but I think that’s literally how it was advertised at the time. Apparently John Cho’s character in Pie is who we have to thank for the popularization of the term ‘MILF’. As for Kal Penn, I had totally forgotten he’d worked under President Obama for like nearly two years.

It’s Cho I’m more familiar with though, primarilly down to his turn on the short lived TV show Off Centre that I would watch in the early 2000’s when it aired in the middle of the night on a Friday/Saturday and I had nothing better to do. That show was notable for having a lot of people from American Pie working on it and doing cameos. That and having Brit Sean Maguire in it for some reason. I think watching Cho on there is how I came to watch this because Chau rules, it says so on the wall. He was on FlashForward too, I keep referencing that. He’s arguably the more succesful of the duo, doing the new Star Treks over the past decade or so and he had that movie Searching last year which I think got a lot of buzz due to him being the lead and that was a first for an Asian-American actor. That and it takes place entirely over computer and phone screens so that’s a bit of a unique presentation. Kinda like Unfriended being done over Skype.

There’s a bit of an odd couple situation going on between Harold and Kumar, Harold being a more repressed, law abiding type (apart from the rampant weed use) and Kumar being the more outgoing, messy type who will shave his pubic hair in your room because you have the full length mirror and wont see any problem in that. After getting high, the pair have a craving for some White Castle and this starts our whole whacky adventure.

An adventure that wont include their stoner neighbours who would prefer to stay home and watch ‘The Gift’ because they get to see a topless Katie Holmes. Dude, it’s 2004, I’m pretty sure you can just look at them online by now. They later describe her tits as the opposite of the Holocaust which is certainly an interesting description. Try that as a chat up line, I’m sure it will end well. Their neighbours being David Krumholtz, notable for his role in Numb3rs or, more pertinent to this blog, the lead elf in The Santa Clause. Then there’s Eddie Kaye Thomas who was also in American Pie and Off Centre, I feel like he kinda fell off the face of the earth after that though.

They serve as an early example of the cameos that this movie will through at you, which I suppose is fitting for a road trip movie, the story is just passing through all these locations so you get a brief look at these new characters before moving on. But there’s a ton of them in here, so many recognisable people from Fredd Willard, Ryan Reynolds, Christopher Meloni and…ugh, Jamie Kennedy. We’ll save the most prominent one though…

I wasn’t really feeling this at first, mostly because it takes a while for anything of interest to happen. Like, one of their early stops is Princeton because they’re trying to score more weed but most of the time is spent with Harold and this really boring group of nerds that seem to idolise him. Kumar hits it off with these two British chicks but we then get a prolonged sequence of fart jokes with them in the toilet playing ‘Battleshits’. I have no clue on how the mechanics of this game work, I guess it’s just whoever gets the loudest fart scores as a hit?

Things pick up when the movie starts embracing absurdity, like when Harold gets bitten by a racoon so they have to go to the hospital and Kumar swipes his Dad’s security pass so they can go steal medical marijuana. Only, they both get ushered into the operating theatre to operate on a guy who’s been shot.

Or the mechanic called Freakshow who has all sorts of boils over his face and a cuckoldry relationship with his wife who he invites our two heroes to have sex with.

Speaking of sex, they also happen to pick up a very horny Neil Patrick Harris who isn’t interested in their talk of White Castle and wants to go get laid at the strip club instead. The wikipedia page for the movie describes NPH as playing ‘a fictionalized version of himself’, would that be the part where he’s off his tits on ecstasy or the part where he’s attracted to women?

For all of it’s cameos, there’s almost an anti-cameo in the form of this cop who writes Harold a ticket for jay walking for taking like a step out into the road at 2am with no cars around. He just looks recognisable in some way but I can’t see that the actor has done anything of note. Maybe it’s just because he looks like a low rent Ron Burgundy.

The movie suddenly decides to develop some social commentary here with this heavy handed display of racial profiling where the police arrest an African-American man for a shooting in spite of the fact he’s at sleeping at the time. They’re processing him in his pajamas and night mask for God’s sake!

This does bring us the dream sequence of Kumar having a love affair with a big bag of weed though. You know the type, the slow motion running into each others arms? Well this goes a step further by having him fuck the bag, get married and then go through this marital strife where he backhands her for making some bad coffee before having to comfort her.

And then the pair get high with a cheetah and ride it around because NPH stole their car. You see what I mean about the absurdity?

Thankfully they do finally make it to White Castle, at about 7am, and indulge in a mammoth order of 30 sliders, 5 french fries and 4 large Cherry Cokes. And that’s just for one of them. Times that order by two and it all comes to $46.75. I know those burgers are only small but they still feels pretty cheap for all that food.

And for as much as this does feel like one big advertisement, they really go the whole hog by having this food seemingly give these characters epiphanies in their lives. Kumar is no longer satisfied with avoiding life, he’s finally going to knuckle down and nail one of those university interviews because as much as a stereotype as it is, there’s probably a lot worse things to be than an Indian doctor. And Harold finally stands up to his jerk boss who dumped all his work on him because those Asians just love crunching numbers.

He even gets the confidence to talk to the hot chick in their apartment building but it sucks that it took him until now to strike up a relationship because she’s going to Amsterdam for the next 10 days. Clearly this calls for another crazy adventure because you can’t just leave things like that for the best part of two weeks, plus you know what’s legal in Holland…only, knowing the title of the next movie, I don’t know if they ever make it that far…

I feel there’s a weird mix of tones with this movie, I think it excels when you have your far out moments of drug related dream sequences or cheetah based road trips but it’s pulled down to reality with these really harsh scenes of just explicit racism and this message of standing up for yourself. Again, knowing the sequel, that whole race thing seems to remain quite a strong focal point of the movie….