#basically two can play at that game fucker type vibes

[transformers-synergize]

random, silly draw over saw the og pic and immediately knew what I had to do

og pic bellow

[mymoshangthoughts]

something i think about with regards to og!shang qinghua

i totally think he smashed mobei jun's face in with the rock

like okay the scene plays out basically the same, except instead of thigh-hugging, the original goods was groveling and hiding and dodging and only BARELY managed to survive for long enough for mobei jun to faint

so here he is, surrounded by corpses and a fainted demon and theres this big ass rock over there and he's like "yeah, thats the pragmatic thing to do"

but see, airplane and the original goods both vastly over-estimated the ability of a rock to kill a demon lord. so yeah, mobei jun has a nasty broken nose and he wakes up feeling like death warmed over in the middle of the woods but he's alive (this is btw the exact reason that the system was willing to let airplane do it, bc it wasnt gonna kill mobei jun anyway and it was what the og goods did)

and he was JUST conscious enough to see the original goods bash his face in

so mobei jun is sitting there like "okay, yeah, so imma find that fucker and imma enslave him and then when he runs out of use to me, imma kill his ass" because he's angry enough right now that simply killing og!shang qinghua just does Not feel good enough

and their relationship over the years is basically a big game of cat and mouse with them trying to fuck each other over. mostly the original goods trying to kill mobei jun and mobei jun just like "no imma wait to kill him until AFTER ive had a thorough revenge but fuck he makes it tempting to kill him right now" and og!shang qinghua highkey actually reminds him of his uncle. they're both the two-faced type who can smile to your face and stab you in the back and he's sorta thinking "if i cant resist killing one stupid human until the opportune time, how am i going to not kill my uncle??"

and basically it's just like..... lowkey shizaya (drrr!) vibes between them? and look, mobei jun is Very satisfied when he finally kills that worm og!shang qinghua but he also feels a certain loss because even though theres srsly no love lost between them, the original goods was basically mobei jun's companion for longer than anyone else in his life (enemy? frenemy? rival????) and it's just a sort of weird empty feeling after he's dead

and i just like thinking about how Different their relationship was because i like thinking about all of the changes that airplane accidentally created because he really didnt know that much about their original relationship. og!shang qinghua was such a footnote in the novel that there really wasnt any time spent on "oh yeah, og!moshang has a super weird hateship and shang qinghua did backstab mobei jun but that wasnt actually NEW, og!shang qinghua tried to kill off the king of the north at least once a month or so"

anyway i think the distinctions in the relationships are important for moshang reasons, because airplane and og!shang qinghua ARE different people, so they had to have made different decisions over the years, and those differences are why mobei jun was very much in love with airplane and not in love with og!shang qinghua

(altho i do enjoy og!moshang, but i will die on the hill that their relationship is different and whatever love might exist between them would be different. my hcs might not represent accurately how og!moshang's relationship was canonically but i just think it's important to make those distinctions)

but all these thoughts lend themselves to "what if pidw!mobei jun met airplane!shang qinghua?" because look, if they really were collaborating for so many years, he would KNOW og!shang qinghua. and as such, it wouldnt take him long to be like "okay but you're seriously NOT shang qinghua tho?!?!" and i love his confusion. like i dont think he'd show up and be like "guh, shang qinghua, gotta kill that rat again", i think he'd show up and be like "......well thats definitely shang qinghua's skin but that sure as fuck isnt shang qinghua"

and look, i want the chaos of that.

pidw!mobei jun and svsss!mobei jun discussing why the fuck shang qinghua is a completely different person and coming to their own conclusions (also naturally realizing a thing or two about cucumber-bro bc thats the other big notable change between worlds. bing-mei is fine, pidw!mobei jun always know that bing-ge is secretly pathetic)

also potential for kidnapping? like pidw!mobei jun nabs airplane with the intention of learning just who the fuck he is. leaving absolutely no room for discussion bc he's determined to figure this shit out. or maybe he just approaches his other self directly. or fuck it, if he goes straight to bing-mei because he's like "okay this is above my pay grade, boss of this dimension will prolly have an idea of whats happening"

also double penetration with two mobei jun's and one airplane lmfao. look im a simple man with simple pleasures

altho on the note of og!shang qinghua, thinking about this diabolical fuck does have my inner villain fucker thoroughly entertained and i wanna think about au's with both airplane and og!shang qinghua in play

there's always the good ol' sibling au's (which will always make me scream to the fucking sky "why the fuck wasnt airplane given a NAME so that i dont have to make one up for him!!!"), those definitely have the appeal of i can keep airplane!shang qinghua's design the same

so lets go with.... shang jingqi (original flavor) and shang feiyu (airplane), for simplicities sake while i explore stupid au ideas lol

so lesseee shang feiyu is born as shang jingqi's twin but since qinghua is a courtesy name and he doesnt actually know og!shang qinghua's birth name, he just knows that ONE of them is supposed to become "shang qinghua" and get killed by mobei jun. and look, he tries really hard not to get attached to his twin. he's used to keeping emotional distance from family, this should be fine, easy even. his twin even has a sort of asshole personality. so if he just doesnt get attached to shang jingqi and just lets the og plot eat up his twin, everything will be just fine and he can live a peaceful life, right? RIGHT???

but ofc he gets attached. bc even tho shang jingqi has a shitty personality and might actually be the original shang qinghua who backstabbed mobei jun and deserved what he got--look, thats HIS treacherous asshole and shang feiyu is ATTACHED okay

so shang jingqi and shang feiyu BOTH wind up joining cang qiong because shang feiyu isn't gonna just leave his twin to die but also he doesnt wanna die so he's really trying to figure out a third option to figure out how the fuck to dodge this all shang-murderfest thing when one day his brother comes home from a mission like "so i might have murdered a demon lord with a rock??" and shang feiyu is going to FREAK OUT bc either that was mobei jun and he is Not Dead and Coming For Their Asses or it WASNT mobei jun and its someone who would make mobei jun Very Angry if was harmed and shang feiyu is ready to hug as many thighs as he needs to so that they can get out of this alive!!! but shang jingqi already has a bit of a murder-boner for mobei jun, even moreso when he realizes theres like Chemistry between mobei jun and his brother and just Nope. that aint happening.

shang feiyu: i am trying to keep you alive wiLL YOU PLZ STOP TRYING TO PISS OFF THE DEMON LORD?!

shang jingqi: and IM trying to protect your ass from demon cock, thank me later

shang feiyu: ?!?!?! WHAT DOES THAT WHAT

[charlottedabookworm]

Dawntrail Day 2

spoilers up to: lvl 93 msq (including first two dungeons and first trial)

original draft date: 29/6/24

scheduled release for: 27/7/24

time for more msq! only passively leveling picto atm - i ain't dealing with those dps queues - so i'm hoping to reach the first dungeon and trial at least today!

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sorry wuk lamat but you did tell erenville you��d take any way that was available

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awww Thancred’s embarrassing koana

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….i stopped literally ten minutes before the dungeon unlock last night

ten minutes

fucker

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question (that isn’t gonna be answered for a month lol): does who the cutscene mentions staying behijd change? cos i’m on drg and ali is staying behind but if i was a healer would it be alphi? or can alphi or wuk lamat switch out for dps on this trust dungeon?

…they probably just flex wuk lamat or alphi thinking about it

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okay wow hi i hate that

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sorry wuk lamat we’ll get you a rest soon let me just drive all over the zone collecting aether currents first

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yeah but neither do your brothers

you heard even koana: he doesn’t see rhe point or ihih’hana when there are simpler ways to revitalise the soils aether. why care about tradition when you can have efficiency?

you want to learn wuk lamat and that’s the important part

*

the boy is just so damn pretty

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i don’t care how villainous you are you do not take a seat at a cafe for your top secret villain meeting and then not at least order drinks

fucks sake support local businesses damn it

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“As long as you cover my teleportation fees”

“…what is a teleportation?”

I’m dying-

*

time to get my arse handed to me in a spar with gulool ja ja!

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fucking hell i was not expecting that active time maneuver to go so hard

fun fight tho not really hard but definitely has you bouncing around a lot

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that none of them are ready for the throne?

yeah clocked that

but then that’s what this rite is for yeah? to teach them and see who will be ready

*

sareel ja is giving me major mad scientist vibes ngl

i am very worried about what he’s gonna get up to

maybe the true villain? he’s almost certainly gonna end up tossing aside zoraal ja at some point

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damn she missed

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i hate follow quests

doesn’t matter what game just hate

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TWO????

there’s a second one?!?!?!

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oh hey! nice!

we haven’t had a race speak a different language since the dragons iirc!

i mean these guys can speak both and are gonna try and kill us almost certainly but! own language!

*

wait what-

another dungeon already?

i know they do them on odd quests but still it hardly feels like any time has passed since the last dungeon esp when i played eight hours yesterday without hitting the first one

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okay i’m digging the music in worqor zormor

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rdm confirmed as a healer class square said it first

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annnd valigarmanda is free

i’m not saying i’m blaming bakool ja ja despite having no evidence but

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i were fucking right

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that has to disqualify them right?

like bakool ja ja has to be disqualified from the rite for freeing valigarmanda right?

*

koana’s back!

i’d say they were gonna let us do trust for the trial but alphi isn’t here-

zoraal ja? huh

really expected him to have left tbh

maybe trust is back on the table then? but still no second healer (except for healer rdm ali who doesn’t steal the lb)

*

duty support yes!

i love it when they do this for trials!

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….how tf did we get onto this platform? I see no way up in the slightest

yes i am typing this while standing in front of valigarmanda i’m on trust they’ll wait

*

huh

no idea if this is a trust trial thing? so you have a chance to learn from your mistakes? or if it’s supposed to be for everyone and it’s only showing on me cos of trusts

but also the trial was fun and can’t wait to see how the extreme ends up

*

i do appreciate that wuk lamat is basically the only one makinh friends so she’s (seemingly) the only one getting all these golden city lore dumps

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flying unlocked for urqopacha and kozama’uka!

*

so i've been thinking aobut it for an hour or so (dog walk) and it's occurred to me what i found odd about this part of the msq

dawntraal bucks a trend that's been in every ffxiv expansion

we've had at least a single split zone since heavensward (sea of clouds) and two in every expansion since: the peaks and the fringes for stormblood, kholusia and amh areng in shadowbringers, and labyrinthos and thavnair in endwalker

dawntrail doesn't buck the trend here with urqopacha and kozama'uka

but in every previous expansion, those split zones were some of the first, usually the first, zones we visited. we explored half of them. we left and the msq continued on, we visited 1-3 other zones, and then we return once more late into the expansion to explore the other half of the zones. it has been this way in every expansion

except for dawntrail

dawntrail starts exactly were you expect, esp after shb and ew, you start the msq. the msq splits along two paths. those paths introduce the split zones. the msq remerges and continues

only instead of taking you to the third zone, as anyone who'd played the previous expansions would except, dawntrail immediately takes you back

urqopacha and kozama'uka are the two first zones you visit and then you go back and explore the other half and there are still four zones left to visit and i-

i'm really curious as to how this will change things. usually split zones are both beginning and almost endgame zones (usually place directly before the final zone in more recent expansions) so now that they are fully beginning zones what does that mean?

will this be the new trend now or is are they gonna change it up every expansion? is this just something for dawntrail?

idk and it probably means absolutely nothing but it's interesting

[nsfwhiphop]

Incoming Text for Katherine Heigl:

Hey, Katherine! It's me, Angelo!

I just want to let you know that I'm a fan since that 90s movie "My Father the Hero (1994)"

You are a fun girl, I enjoyed your movies, the one with Seth Rogen was fun and also I enjoyed "The Ugly Truth" with Gerard Butler.

Your latest movie "Unforgettable (2017 film)" with Rosario Dawson was fun too, please do me a favor and don't be like that in real life, okay? Your character Tessa Connover was a very scary woman, she was a very calculating bitch.

What is a calculating bitch? Glad you asked, see the meaning below:

Calculating bitch is basically a deceptive woman that is very good at playing mind games.

For Example: "Damn calculating bitch.... She set me up."

I have to deal with a lot of pyscho bitches from Hollywood reading my blog, they are all secretly behaving like your character Tessa Connover.

I can't even mention the names of the women in my life because I'm afraid these psycho bitches will stalk them in real life, I don't want to give them an opportunity to hurt the women in my life.

Picture this, hundreds of them behaving like Tessa Connover, right now as we speak.

Imagine many women like Tessa Connover in the Music industry..

Imagine many women like Tessa Connover in the Film industry.

Imagine many women like Tessa Connover in the Porn industry. Oh, yeah, I got pornstars stalking me too.

Imagine many Super Model women like Tessa Connover in the Fashion industry.

Imagine many women like Tessa Connover in the Political world like Democrats and Republicans.

Imagine many women like Tessa Connover in Europe.

Imagine many women like Tessa Connover in America.

Imagine many women like Tessa Connover in South-America.

I'm censoring myself so much, if only you knew how deep the rabbit hole goes, I can't even say the names of the women I hangout with because I'm afraid they will get hurt by all these women who behave like Tessa Connover.

And don't even get me started on the dudes, a lot of men behave like the male version of Tessa Connover, can you imagine a male version of Tessa Connover? Oh, it's awful, you don't wanna know.

Ever heard of this popular rivalry between these two famous actors?

Schwarzenegger–Stallone rivalry - read wiki page link:

So who are these male versions of Tessa Connover, you ask?

Glad you asked, well, let me explain, these men are rich millionaires envious of me, yes, I clearly said they're jealous of me, they are obsessed with the women in my life and they have a Schwarzenegger–Stallone rivalry type of vibe going on in their heads, so what do they do, you ask? Well, these fuckers get horny whenever I mention the name of a woman in my life, guess what they do? They become horny and they start chasing the said woman in my life, if that isn't what we call psycho behavior, they are sociopath-weirdos, they start getting horny every time I flirt with a woman on my blog and then they start chasing that woman in real life, that's why I stopped mentioning the names of the women to protect their privacy and make sure these horny weirdos will never stalk them in real life.

That's why I never mention your name on my blog because I want to protect your privacy and protect you from a long list of men and women who behave like Tessa Connover the female sociopath-weirdo.

Call your friend Rosario Dawson, I'm sure you will have a laugh about my situation.

My life is full of censorship because of women who behave like Tessa Connover in real life, talk about art imitating life, right?

Don't worry for me, Don't Cry for Me Argentina, I will not be harmed by these weirdos, I will protect myself, I got guns and ammo at home, so you know I'm ready for whatever.

Okay, this chat was fun.

Love you, Katherine Heigl! Have fun, big hug for you!

P.S.:

Here is the movie Unforgettable (2017 film) with the character Tessa Connover, enjoy, it's a good movie that exposes sociopath-weirdos.

[ruby-static]

Have you got any fun facts about your hell on earth characters? Be it silly or lore based? I think we'd love to hear about them!

HSJHDSDSHJDHS IS THAT EVEN A QUESTION-

I’m genuinely so happy you asked!! I love this stupid comic ( @hellonearth-comic ) and these characters so much, I can’t begin to describe just how much I can go on talking about these fuckers-

I’ll focus on a bit of general stuff and Marco and Milo because if I talked about all of my characters then this post would be too daMN LONG-

Under the cut because, just- wow.

General/Random stuff:

My inspiration for the comic came actually from a song: “Doom Crossing: Eternal Horizons” by The Chalkeaters. (...I wish I was joking. The song is a bop though.) The idea of a small “cute” character going on a bloody demon-killing rampage alongside their more intimidating (yet deep down chill) friend clicked with me and, well, this happened.

The main setting for the comic, New Hell City is basically an amalgamation of a lot of major cities. Now there’s a bunch of ravenous imps infesting the place. It didn’t always have the name New Hell City. It was renamed that after the “Spill of Hell”, where it was the first place to have recorded imp swarms emerge.

Somehow, Lower Imps are the only type of demon to have made their way to Earth in this event. (They are a more animalistic form of demon, yet still VERY deadly against humans.) More advanced and civilised demons have yet to have any major presence on Earth.

Marco and Milo’s family come from Hong Kong! 

The “vibe” I have in mind for Hell/The Realm of Demons is a sort of twisted high-fantasy setting with steampunk elements. Demon culture is highly centred around power, war, and fights over territory. Basically a bunch of angry war lords duking it out for territory.

Milo:

I’ve mentioned this here and there, but Milo is a popular video game and art streamer known as “PinkClawxx”. They’re known for their absolutely batshit antics on camera that have created a huge meme culture around them. (And a bunch of meme/rage compilations.) 

They also occasionally collaborate musically with their friend Ashe and his band Murder Rabbitz. (Typically as a guest singer, but they’ve written a song or two with Ashe.) They’ve made a song or two of their own as well.

They kinda have the energy of one of those scene kids that would post Gir gifs on MySpace in 2004. But with more unhinged and with more insatiable bloodlust. 

Definitely grew up as the weird kid in class that got suspended for a week for biting someone. (Someone that deserved it, at least.)

The sheer amount of energy drinks that they consume on the regular is frankly alarming.

If you’re ever in a car with them behind the wheel, pick a god and pray. They’re not a bad driver- The exact opposite actually! They are an absolute demon behind the wheel who’s driving skills practically defy the laws of physics. Road laws are a mere suggestion, nothing is sacred. It’s a wonder they haven’t had their license revoked.

Milo doesn’t remember much about Marco before he disappeared. The only memory they seem to have of him is of one time he took them to a zoo when they were around 4 years old. It’s very fuzzy though.

...They may or may not have deeply repressed abandonment issues. Just putting it out there.

Their favorite games to play (wether on-stream or just in general) are weird horror games. They have a particular love for 2000s-2010s RPG Maker horror games. (Mad Father, IB, Yume Nikki, etc.)

An absolute autism/ADHD icon-

What drove Milo to their dream of starting “Demon B. Gone” was their family’s extensive history in demon hunting.

...And watching Ghost Busters one night and just going “HOLY SHIT-”

Marco:

Before he disappeared, Marco actually studied and worked in fashion design. And he was pretty damn good at it too! His artistic and sewing abilities are pretty impressive, even after all of his time looking for a way back home.

Back then, he used to live with his brother Lian and his wife (who was Marco’s best friend in college) since the three of them were very close. And when Milo came around, Marco wanted to help raise them.

While travelling among demons, he sort of became a nerd towards anything and everything magic related. I swear the second he gets his hands on a grimoire in Hell and Back, the dude absolutely nerds out.

Through his time in Hell, he’s always had a close on-and-off... “ally” that he could rely on. Somewhat. This “ally” was a notorious thief named Illa. The two had a sort of rivalry and  partnership riddled with romantic tension that the both of them would rather die than admit to and the both of them caused a shit ton of chaos.

He’s picked up on a lot of demon vocabulary over his travels. He tends to use it even after he’s returned to Earth. It causes... some confusion when talking to strangers. But Milo finds it sick as FUCK-

This man is an absolute bi (ace) disaster, no denying it. Please help this dude.

Under his distant and intimidating shell, the man is actually a bit of a softie. He seems scary as all hell, but it just takes him a bit to warm up to people.

You know he likes you if he’s drawn you. After getting back into the habit of drawing, he tends to sketch and draw people he knows and cares about. So if he’s drawn you, then he considers you a friend.

Dude’s a fan of those really shitty sci fi/horror B-movies. Or just generally any “so bad it’s good” movie. They’re just the absolute funniest shit to him, apparently. (Milo seems to think the same.)

Oh god, the dude was totally a theatre kid back in high school. The guy was absolutely notorious in his school’s plays and musicals. He is absolutely embarrassed of this and will take it to his GRAVE.

...Man has a pretty nice singing voice though.

With how long he’s been gone, the dude is an absolute disaster with new technology. He operates a smartphone with the grace of a 70 year old grandma, and every second is absolutely fucking hysterical to Milo.

[potatotrash0]

Hey idk if youve done this alreadh but im curious about your body headcanons for the sdr2 cast!! An anon sent some in for characters previously (the one where they said things like angie has vitiligo and stuff-i love them and they really stuck with me haha) and i wanna know your headcanons!! :D

Hmhmm this one I might be listing off the spot lmao. I feel like my hcs are mostly just. Common hcs but hey I never said I wasn’t basic skdjksjdks

cw for. Everyone. Yeah kdjfksjdks

Hajime…..I like to think he’s slightly buff? Maybe that’s not the right word. Toned? Idk, I hc that he jumps around hobbies a lot because he wants to find something he’s good at, so that includes sports. I like the idea that a few stick with him, like swimming and basketball. I imagine he also has light scrapes and scars on his legs from falling, both with skateboarding and general Clumsy Shit.

Also this one switches a lot but with Trans Hajime, I can see him with top surgery scars.

Oh ah, I like freckled Hajime!! It’s cute. This one goes with the sports hc, but I like the idea that he’s kinda tanned. Entirely unrelated but I also like the idea that he has calluses from playing guitar.

Chiakiii!! She’s soft bc I said so. Specifically her thighs, arms and stomach + some stretch marks. And moles all over. Projecting big time onto a cute fictional girl, call that self care <333 /j

uhh other than that, I imagine she has bags under her eyes from staying up late gaming. Also tan Chiaki my love. Shh I know she probably doesn’t go outside for days on end. In my defense I tan easily and I imagine she does too. Again with the projection. Shhhh

Oh oh!!!! I forgot to mention but!!!! Chiaki gets a ton of moles. I saw the boob mole and went !!!!!! fellow mole haver!!!!!! and went nuts. This is the one weird niche entirely irrelevant thing that can get me to like a character, just. Being able to point at them and jump up and down with joy over them also having moles. Idk why it’s just therapeutic <33

Nagito’s bony. Skinny mf. Could probably cut cheese with his elbows. Maybe grate it on his collarbones. Cuddling with him would be a fight to see if you can find a position that doesn’t end with something poking you in the gut. I mean this affectionately, he’s bony as shit but he’s my bony fucker <3

Pale asf, sunburns if he’s in the sun for more than two minutes. His eye bags could hold the entirety of his life’s trauma. Sharpest features ever. Sometimes I hc that he looks greasy, and other times I hc that he looks ethereally pretty in a ghostly way. Either way he always looks like he’s had the soul sucked out of him by a Dementor.

You can probably definitely see the veins in his hands. They’re. Very There. Also I’ve brought this up before but he definitely has big ass hands. L a r g e hands, all the better to head pat you with. This was originally so much more pining but I decided no I’ve exposed myself enough on this blog skfjksjdkd

Oh last minute thing, I think he’d be tall as fuck. Specifically 6’0 or taller. Also he probably (definitely) has at least a few scars from his childhood, particularly that plane crash. And I like to think he has glasses when he’s older. I’m so sorry that his section is so long I have so many thoughts about him ;;;;;

Okay uhh Imposter? Mmm. Idk actually. I do think they’d have callused fingers but soft hands. Probably from having to adapt to using a ton of different talents for their Imposter Agenda. Also stretch marks probably, all over their body.

Teruteru uhhhhh. God. Can you tell I don’t think about some characters ;;;;; Idk I don’t have much that differs from canon. I like him. Oh but he probably has cook hands? Chef hands, whatever you wanna call them. Probably faint scars from cuts and burns from when he was still learning how to cook from his mama.

Mahiru……hmm well freckles obviously dkjfksjd. I think she’s tanned as well since I feel like she likes sunlit shots. Idk I don’t have much. I like to think she’s got a stockier body type though.

Also not necessarily her body but I like her with an undercut!

Peko’s buff <3 it’s canon <333 /j

N ee way yeah. Buff Peko my love. Also she probably has a few scars from handling her sword when she was younger and less experienced. I also feel like she would have contacts she wears when she trains bc fuck exercising with glasses

I don’t really have anything for Hiyoko until she gets her growth spurt. Afterwards, I imagine she’s tall and kinda thin? Mainly bc of fast metabolism probably, though when she’s older maybe she’d be a little less spindly.

I don’t know if her hair would be bleached or not, but if it were, I like the idea of her letting her actual hair color grow in. If not, I think Ibuki might help her try a few sections of dyed hair? Idk I just like the thought

Ibuki is a fellow bony bitch. I mean this lovingly. She’s skin and bone. Skeleton rocker lady

Probably tan, I imagine she spends a lot of time in the sun. She strikes me as a summer person. Oh, I also saw some art of Black Ibuki with vitiligo and loved that!! Also calluses from shredding guitar, obviously

Hmmm I like the idea that she rollerskates? So possibly some bruises or scars on her arms or legs from falling on concrete when she was still learning. Oh oh I imagine she has a ton of piercings!!! On her ears, nose, lips, brows, tongue, belly button…….maybe she has a split tongue too idk. Also she totally gets a ton of tattoos when she’s outta Hope’s Peak, prove me wrong.

Mikan uhhh. I like tall Mikan. She deserves the height. 5’8 to 6’0 Mikan good 👍

Hmm she probably has scars all over, particularly on her arms and legs. Uh. Idk I imagine she’s curvy probably. What do I say for her I don’t have anything skjdksjdks

I’m not even gonna lie I don’t have a damn thing for Nekomaru. Or. Wait nevermind here’s a concept: buff Nekomaru but like. If you’ve seen those wrestlers who have fat on them that hides some fucking crazy strength? Yeah that’s him. Also hairy asf.

Gundham……tall vampire vibes. I’d say he’s a stick but also I feel like he’s the slim type of muscular. Idk how to describe it. Shigaraki type muscle? Male gymnast. No nevermind those guys have visible muscle. Shigaraki type it is

Hmmm I think this is canon but probably a few scratches from his pets. His arms and legs mainly but I’m sure the Devas have scratched up his neck at some point or another. Just a little though. Also piercing fiend Gundham my beloved. I also like him having a couple tattoos when he’s older. Ibuki probably helped him heheh

I’m torn between Fuyuhiko being skinny as shit and Fuyuhiko being tiny and buff. I like both……���hhh

His hair is probably bleached. Peko probably helps him re-dye it when his roots start growing in. I also like him having glasses

Uhhh tooth gap Fuyu’s cute. I used to have a super small one before I got my braces, I imagine it’s the same for him. Him, Ibuki, and Gundham are probably Tattoo Buds.

Kazuichi…..I want so bad to say he’s a weakling just to make fun of him but he’s a mechanic that probably works with heavy machine parts a lot and he probably has some sick biceps. But he probably also smells like hair dye, oil, metal, and Monster Energy. Win lose situation I guess.

I like to think he has a couple piercings? Not as many as Ibuki, but maybe he’s got like. Second or third place in the class. Also he totally filed his teeth to be sharp like that

Akane!! Buff lady, could probably deadlift me or something. She’s definitely got some scars from running around, especially when she was first learning parkour. Ummm oh, I like to think she has a chipped tooth or smth like that from falling roughly as a kid.

Soniaa <33 in my heart she will always be tall and have at least some muscle. Novoselic is a war country if I remember correctly, she’s definitely got some military training in her.

Idk why but her with heterochromia just popped into my head. That pretty greenish blue gray that she has + maybe brown or hazel? I think that’d be cool. And hip dips.

[edengarden]

HEYO BBY 😎 im finally here! U can do a regular matchup or any that u feel more comfortable with!

So starting with basics: im 5'4; Gryffindor; sun Leo rising Gemini and moon Aries; my mtbi type is INFP-T; my love language is Quality Time;

I think my three main qualities are: I'm patient and understanding, I'm very loyal and I can see good things in everyone!

My three flaws are: I'm SOOO insecure, I'm too clingy and I'm too perfectionist

My hobbies are writing, reading, listen to music and drawn! I watch animes too, my music taste is very big, I like Ariana Grande, Beyonce, Imagine Dragons, David Bowie (thanks to u my darling), Frank Ocean, JUNNA, LiSa, Tyler The Creator, Leah Kate, etc. But my fav song is Achilles Come Down – Gang of Youths.

I think the trait i hate the most in people is that type of ppl who think ur achievements arent big just because they dont look big, and the ones who only know how to see the flaws in smthing!

Facts about me: i luv cats (my fav is Maine Coon), i luv potato, i hate onions, my favorite food is fried chicken, one of my dreams is to travel the world, i love history and arts, i hate math, i think that bonds of friendship can be stronger than family bonds, I love to read about what other people love, I get so hyped when someone asks me about my fav character or song or idk anything i love, I strongly believe that violence isn't the answer for anything, I love indie games, I have a bunch of teddy bears in my room, my favorite aesthetic is dark academia, i LOVE short hair, I have a hoodie that I use everywhere bcuz its from my favorite RPG, talking about it I love RPG

I think thats it bub! If u have a question u can sent me!

FIRST: sksksks you’re a gryffindor I can’t believe we have a slytherin-gryffindor friendship going on that’s iconic

Second: lmaoo Atsumu was out the window as soon as you started describing yourself bby we been knew

Third: IM A DARK ACADEMIA BITCH TOO ALSKDJDHJSJA

Fourth: I,,, I tried so freaking hard,, to find someone else,, bc I wanted to be impartial and tRUST ME I WAS FUCKING IMPARTIAL ON MY BULLSHIT but it’s just too good,, forgive mother for I have sinned—

I MATCH YOU UP WITH NISHINOYA

Now listen up you fucker, it’s YOUR FAULT for making your description so compatible with him!! (But honestly you sound just as compatible for Hinata and Inuoka, you just attract those rays of sunshine istg)

First of all; you’re patient?? It’s the number one requirement to be Noya’s s/o?? Also seeing the good in everyone!! I think it also means that you have a really optimistic side that could help Noya a LOT. Boy tends to get swept away by emotions please remind him of the positive stuff from time to time.

Also perfectionism?? With Noya, it’s gone. You KNOW he’s bound to screw something up, but does he care? Unless it’s Volleyball, not really dude. And i think that’s good for you! Sometimes, your best isn’t as high as other times and that’s okay! I think Noya really grasps that concept so any victory, no matter the size, is a victory for him and he hella hopes it’s a victory for you too! Clingy?? What does that mean?? Boy has no idea, he just knows the two of you are joined at the hip. You, Tanaka and him are the best and worst trio to ever walk this earth. God forbid you all went to Karasuno together istg-

And pfft travelling the world?? That’s done and done with Noya, we both know that. Y’all come back hella broke, but even that can’t destroy Nishinoya’s mood because he did all of that with you and got so many good memories!! He swore that he’d never, ever delete any of the pictures, even if they’re blurry or just things he thought were funny at 2 AM.

Overall, I seriously think the two of you are the kind of couple that can get passed anything because 1) you compliment each other so well yet have a lot of similarities and 2) you just?? Enjoy life?? Like you’re supposed to?? And that’s amazing.

Nishinoya could be the poorest man on earth, but if you’re by his side, then he’ll think he’s the luckiest on earth.

Songs!!

- It’s a Hard Life, Queen

- Chilly Down, David Bowie (when I say this is your theme song... THIS IS YOUR THEME SONG. This shit is the We Wreck Shit And We’re Gonna Take Off Your Head For Fun vibe, they’re the fuckin fire gang and so are you. Add Tanaka if you want, this shit is yours and Nishinoya’s VIBE.)

- Hey Ya!, Outkast (again, Wrecking Shit Vibe, but this song just puts Noya in a good mood dude)

- Station to Station, David Bowie (I don’t know why, but “thIs IsnT The SidE EfFecTs Of ThE CoCaINE” playing while you do something hella risky and stupid while Noya cheers you on is a wholeass mood)

[gimmeeshelter]

hi babe I wanna talk music with u. tell me what you think is the decade defining album(s) of the 60s-80s and why? x

oh prepare for a long-ish ask. I think the 70′s and 80′s it’s kind of clear what albums were decade-defining but the 60′s really was when music made its largest shift ? if that makes sense my brain is fried from after writing this paper lol 

1960s

1. The Velvet Underground & Nico// The Velvet Underground

- Even though i hardly talk about the velvet undergound on my blog i am incredibly fond of this band. i think their sound brought something totally different to the music scene at the time, and the warhol influence fused music and art into an incredible union. i think the velvet underground is like the band of the art rock scene, with just a touch of mod? they’re incredible. 

2. Revolver// The Beatles

- In my opinion, Revolver is the best beatles album like its a banger from start to finish (except yellow submarine fuck that) I feel like this album has a really good balance between their original sound, while also adding so many different elements its just a really interesting album to me. I think this album is a really good example of the progression of rock throughout the 60s, especially compared to their earlier albums

3. Highway 61 Revisited// Bob Dylan

- okay i really could’ve put any dylan album on here from the 60s because theyre all so good and i think they all made such an influence on folk/rock music. his songwriting is literally indescribable (i know i dont need to tell you this). I picked highway 61 because it’s my favorite at the moment (from the 60s, my favorite dylan album is desire) I also think this shows the versatility of dylan i dunno ? Similar to revolver, highway 61 encapsulates the changing tides of the music scene in the 60s

4. Let It Bleed// The Rolling Stones

- oh my FUCK when i thnk of the 60s i think of this album almost immediately. It’s not my all time favorite stones album but god its up there. opening with such an apocolyptic song like gimme shelter ? bold ass move and im glad they did it. That song literally is a beacon for the end of the 60s, especially when you look back at all the crazy ass shit that happened in 69. That song sends fucking chills through my spine. And the end of the album with you cant always get what you want, i think the album starts with some deep, kind of menacing song but ends with this shining light? i dunno how to explain what im trying to say i hope you understand what im saying. I think everyone near the end of the 60s needed that shining light, and let it bleed is symbolic of that. 

5. Are You Experienced// The Jimi Hendrix Experience 

- Jimi Hendrix was one of the first artists to capatalize off of guitar based music (if that makes sense this is getting really long and im starting to ramble). I’m not saying he was the first person to have cool guitar solos or do any intricate playing (he low key was though) but he really revolutionized the way rock music was being played at the time and was one of the game changers. I firmly believe that without him and the music he made, music of the late 60′s and even 70s wouldnt have been what it was. 

6. Led Zeppelin II// Led Zeppelin

- okay im really torn between putting this album on the list. Because when I think of Zeppelin i don’t really think of the 60s because they are The band of the 70s ya know ? I was tempted to put this album in the 70s section of this ask but i feel like people would give me flack for that. I think this album really shows where music was heading going into the 70s. They pioneered that hard rock sound ya know ? I think this album, like let it bleed, is a good indicator for where music was heading. also cant forget about the wack ass lyrics that are in that album, talking about balls and shit how Foul. 

1970s

1. All Things Must Pass// George Harrison 

- if u really thought we weren’t gonna talk abt my fucking baby ur mistaken :((((((. I think this album is such a good example of music in the early 70s, still clinging to a bit of that 60s, peace and love vibe while also making a rock record. I guess the two biggest examples of that would be something like I dig love anf then comparing that to out of the blue. Its definitely got that 60s flare but there’s so much more depth ya know ? george is the best pls block me if u think otherwise bc ur crusty 

2. Dark Side of The Moon// Pink Floyd

- yes. i know this ablum is basic. but its still a good representation of music that defined the 70s. Floyd was the biggest success with the whole psychedelic rock thing, they made it enjoyable for everyone and i think that can be seen in dsotm. 

3. IV// Led Zeppelin

- You know why.

4. Talking Book// Stevie Wonder

- was tempted to put songs in the key of life but… i like talking book better lol. Any of his albums made in the 70s could be considered decade defining albums. Mans got incredible talent, and his lyrics spoke to a wide variety of people i think ? also the combination of funk and soul that hes famous for can later be seen in disco music. I think his music in general just speaks to a lot of people, and a lot of musicians take inspiration from him

5. Rumours// Stevie Nicks

- im gonna be up front with this one, everyone fuck with stevie and i bet u dont know anyone who doesnt like dreams or the chain. shit slaps what else can i say 

6. The Eagles// The Eagles

- The eagles are like the poster child for american rock (more specifically, west coast rock), which became popular in the 70s. I dunno when i think of the 70s i think of driving down the highway and when i think of driving down the highway i think of the eagles, its just common knowledge 

7. London Calling// The Clash

- similar to my problems with putting zeppelin ii in the 60s category, i thnk london calling really belongs in the 80s section maybe ? actually no, i think this album is a good synopsis of the punk movement that started in the mid/late 70s and then carried into the 80s 

1980′s

time for the sad boissssss

1. The Smiths// The Smiths

- god this melancholy fucker. personally this is my favorite smiths album, you could argue that the queen is dead is more impactful and youre probably right. But i think their first album brings the sadness to the forefront ya know ? like they were one of the first sad boi bands and i respect that shit. Also think this album is like the poster child for a sad teenager in the 80s, and god knows there were a lot of those weirdos. 

2. Purple Rain// Prince

- personally… controversy is my favorite prince album but we wont discuss. This album is so widely popular i grew up on this shit. like every song on it is a banger and defintely splits the line between pop and rock, something we see a lot when looking into music from the 80s 

3. Like A Virgin// Madonna 

- madonna was the first pop princess idc this album is like 80s pop defined. shes amazing, this album is amazing, what else can i say? im right :)

ive been typing for a long time im sorry im gonna end this now i hope this is good enough :( luv u and i hope u enjoyed my thoughts. also i cut a lot of albums out bc i didnt want to make it too long but :((((( okay bye

[hyphypmic]

@significant other of babe asked: hypmic bois in the pokémon universe please :3c

Okay just saying, I don’t know as much as you do so we’re keeping it to Kanto/Jyoto/Sinnoh/Hoenn  yay but idk abt who goes where so anyway!

Ichiro

Fire type! He loves the fire type Pokémon

And he would definitely choose Charmander as his starter because he’s Ichiro like that

And later on in life he’s like Red (if you know him) or like a very strong trainer

Because he had his Delinquent days (and he highkey detached himself from his brothers so he could go around and win battles and get money for them you know kinda like TDD) so he had his edgy fire squad

And like he explored everywhere, kind of being a general badass and earning his reputation by beating the gyms and all that

but then he matured over the course of his journey (and he learned a ton of new shit) and went back to go around with his brothers and willingly goes through the journey with them so he can help them out

Plus he missed them so he needs to make up for it and they forgive him later on yay

But yes, loves fire type and is very very skilled when it comes to training, battling, motivating, LOVING, and taking care of Pokemon

And okay like I rly see him being a mentor for his brothers and just one day showing off his moves with his fucking charizard and letting saburo uwu ride on it AHHHH

I don’t think he would go for gym leader because he’s more of an adventure boy

Jiro

He tries to live up to his brother and stuff even if he’s kinda resentful he left for a bit, but he’s over it you know

Ichiro would give him the starter pokemon

Like tbh I think Ichiro would give him a Piplup (I’m basic I’m sorry) and like really give him tons of advice

And yes he does challenge saburo on a near daily basis

And ichiro allows this because training, though Jiro won’t get it through his head that a full out offensive isn’t the way to go, though Ichiro figures that he’ll get over it

Anyway, moving on, that’s basically Jiro’s arc and like the buster bros would become like a unit and it would be so cool to see them battle around

And he’s also an adventure boy and really hates it when Saburo delays for some knowledge pursuit

Like he would bring out his also eager Pokemon to drag saburo away like even the piplup gets unto it and tries to drag saburo away from the pursuit of knowledge

Saburo

Quite literally a Pokemon nerd

No really he would probably be the first of the bros to complete his Pokédex like he would finish it

And his goal isn’t like to BATTLE BATTLE BATTLE or WAR WAR WAR it’s literally to gotta catch them all because he’s in the pursuit of knowledge that way

I rly see him having like an Eevee (if any of you play let’s go Eevee) or just not a typical starter Pokemon you know

Ichiro would probably end up giving him an eevee anyway because he knows an Eevee would appeal to like Saburo because it’s an extraordinary type of pokemon

He would love his eevee to the death and would dress it up in all these cute outfits

And yeah he’s a tough guy to battle, but you’ll more likely find him just enjoying the actual pokemon instead of battling

And he’s also p good at strategising when it comes to pokemon and he helps out his brothers

Is very happy with the journey and all that  

Samatoki

Definitely a gym leader, like really because reasons I rly see him being one

And oh my god I see him with a fucking Lucario like!!!!!

And he would love his pokemon to the death and all

And yeah he would be in charge of a fighting type of Pokemon or like that would be his specialty because he’s Samatoki sama aka mr ha ko on the microphone

And yeah he would probably have a side job as a yakuza, but like gym is life and he’s really aggressive but also very very smart when it comes to his attacks

Like even if he’s up against a higher level or like a psychic type, he will come out on top and beat the opposition

Anyway, his origin story is like he just wants to show everyone how strong he is and how that no matter how many times you get beat down, you have to keep going back up

And when he roams around or like helps people train in his own gym, he has a strict way of teaching, but also somewhat understanding and his tips really do help those who visit his gym

Very much open to receiving challenges because he needs to fight oh yeah

He also explored a lot of places and has a shit ton of influence, but the gym and his city is really his home

Team rocket aint fucking with him

Jyuto

Electric type! Is his type!

And yeah srsly just imagine him in that blue Pokemon police uniform hmmm

Also glasses are tilted and touched a lot because that’s the Pokemon trope with the eyeglass glare and everything

Though he’s a kind of corrupt cop, but doesn’t associate with team rocket because you know, exploitation of Pokemon

Though he spies a lot so he has a lot of connections and he’s like the in10se police spy that would be able to find his way in the underground

Like a spy with a position in team rocket oh yeah

And how he meets Samatoki is that Samatoki got into a fight with a team rocket and Jyuto had to subtly subdue said team rocket member

Anyway, yes electric type Pokemon and I really see him with a Luxray because he be cool like that

But seeing him with a shinx you can RIP my soul and send me to heaven because that shit is adorable

Riou

He’s probably also a gym leader

Basically MTC consists of two gym leaders and a cop

Literally Lt. Surge and except he would most likely love grass type pokemon or bug type, or anything you can find in the woods because survival life

Because he’s a woods kind of boy and he spends most of his time with wild pokemon and befriending them before catching them

DO YOU SEE HIM WITH A FUCKING BULBASAUR???? Like???? I really do and it would be so fucking cute to see him with all the little oddish and the Butterfree and the Beautifly and the weedles

This man can have my soul because I can really see him with his flower Pokemon like Venusaur and Meganium and a Vileplume and a Tropius (I know banana but still)

He would love him the grass Pokemon and the bug type

Anyway, yeah he’s all about that survival so his gym is quite the labyrinth, complete with traps

And sometimes he just goes out to roam and spend time with the Pokemon while shirtless :>>>

Ramuda

“Anything cute!” Like he would have a cue Pokemon out and walking with him

But when he brings out his arsenal it’s like really strong Pokemon, though he would probably favor fairy type Pokemon, though there would be a mix of dark type also

I really see him with a Gengar and causing little mischiefs because why not

He also loves fashion so he would really be the champion of those beauty pageants with all his deceptively cute Pokemon like wigglytuff and everyone thinks he’s just superficial and can’t battle for shit

But then face him off and it’s just a complete disaster and you’re going to be wrecked

Like he knows how to deceive and use his Pokemon’s weaknesses to their advantages and he knows the tricks of the trade, all while looking great

i don’t think he would be in the elite four, he would just be one of those freakishly strong trainers that would just pop in every once in a while

Mostly occupies his time with designing, but yeah, pretty good in battle as well

Gentaro

Ghost type!!!! Like he would love the ghost type pokemon or the psychic type because he’s mysterious that way

Or like psychic

Because I see him with an Alakazam and in general probably live in a quiet house with all of his Pokemon

And he would have a soft spot for his mimikyu because he’s the type

Probably would stay in Lavender town because he’s lavender jk no it’s because he’s the type to chill out in the outskirts and have these mystic Pokemon

Still pretty focused on his writing and some training philosophy and what not

And he would be really just calm and cool, but very defensive of his Pokemon because he will protect them with his life

But he houses this garbage rat (dice) who is completely hopeless but yeah Pokemon

And he would be p respectful of Pokemon and be pretty spiritual about it

But in battle he’s pretty dangerous because he’s an author and knows what he’s doing

Dice

I see him having a Persian or a Meowth because he’s nyaaa that way

But in general he would favor normal type Pokemon because there quite intriguing

Also I rly see him chilling around with a rattata because he’s such a garbage rat himself

And he probably doesn’t have a lot of Pokemon because he’s broke and can’t afford poke balls

But very much like Riou, he makes friends with the stray Pokemon or those neglected by their owners

Can do well in battle, but is unfortunately addicted to the gaming places even if his Pokemon try to drag him away from it

It doesn’t help that meowth is dragging him inside and everyone is just trying to stop him

Though dice would have a very unorthodox fighting style and would probably nickname all his Pokemon because he’s dice that way

Jakurai

I see this fucker as an elite four member so they become elite five

And like okay basically!!! You know how you have to fight all the elite four, he would be like the surprise level at the end and he’s very much god tier, like he would specialise in psychic/dragon/dark/flying type, you know that kind of mystic vibe

And he’s just on a level of his own!!! So like he’s very cool and that, and he’s kind as well, like he doesn’t spend most of his time in his seat of power or whatever and he goes around helping people and being a doctor because he likes helping people and Pokemon

But srsly, most people are in such awe of him and he’s just slaying by walking around with a Salamence or a Dragonair or a Dragonite or a fucking Charizard but rly anyway its just me

Or also like an Absol that would be awesome too

Anyway, yeah he really looks so cool, but if you get to meet him, he’s very down to earth and will sit down with you if you want some advice

Doppo

Dark Pokemon like, probably or ghost type of pokemon

I see him with a houndoom! Or like something like that

And he’s pretty anxious and unsure of battling

But if his Pokemon are threatened you have unlocked the beast and he will go on a rampage

Mostly a stressed worker that needs some time to sleep

Usually sleeps with his snorlax or on his slowbro

Like I rly see him just collapsing with a snorlax and sleeping for the entries day

But he would also run and his ghastly would chase after him and his houndoom would prevent him from falling on the tracks and impaling himself

He also shares a room with Hifumi, with his fairy type Pokemon

Srsly, this household has the polar opposites getting along together like the houndoom would take care of the little Pokemon and its pretty wholesome

Probably not that invested in collecting Pokemon and he’s happy with the ones he has

Hifumi

“Anything cute!” No legit he would really have beautiful and cute pokemon like rly pretty but also freakishly strong Pokemon

His clefairy is a thing of legend

And he’s into all that beauty pageant stuff too

And in his club he has his cute electric type Pokemon do their thing along with fairy sparkles and what not

Hifumi with a minun and plusle that’s all that’s all you need to know

Anyway, he loves dressing up his Pokemon, but in host mode, have fun trying to best him in battle because he is really confident in his Pokemon and all that

He might wipe your ass on the floor, unless you’re a girl of course and he’s out of host mode

But in general, all he wants to do is cuddle and play with his Pokemon along with sleeping on the snorlax that doppo sleeps on after a long day at work

[sexandthecityandme-blog]

Episode One - Sex and the City (Pilot)

Once upon a time, a 25-year-old girl from Southern California found herself single, phoneless, and shopping for half-off lace bras on a Friday night. 

That girl...was me. Hey there!

Sure, I’d usually try to plan to be somewhere cooler on a Friday night, and yeah, I’d love to be dating someone, but the reality is that none of this was exceptionally out of the ordinary...except the part about me being phoneless—that was odd. 

Odd because: A.) It’s 2017. No one is phoneless. B.) I’m obsessed with my phone. There’s a lot happening on Twitter these days! C.) I don’t even have a good story about how I lost my phone. I just LOST it on a perfectly normal day. It might’ve fallen out of my lap when I got out of the car, it might’ve fallen out of my bag while I was at the beach...it was misplaced in a spectacularly boring fashion. 

Either way, I’d purposely put off getting a new one and left myself in a phoneless state for four days, telling most people it was “on the fritz,” because just being phoneless? That’s odd. And in going off the grid, I’d gone slightly off the rails. In the past four days, I’d

bought a set of tarot cards created by a woman named, I shit you not, the White Witch of L.A.

listened to a LOT of Crystal Castles

masturbated 3 times

worn a silk robe to work (over a tank top)

Hurricane Harvey had just past, Hurricane Jose was barreling down, Hurricane Irma was here. “TIME IS RUNNING OUT” the homepage of Weather.com was screaming at Floridians. The Northwest was on fire. Bangladesh was underwater. Oh! Trump was, and still is, presi[gag]dent. 

And I’m wearing silk robes and shopping for lace bras. Masturbatory! In every sense of the word.

To make matters worse, somewhere between the rack of Heidi Klum-brand bras and the rack of Wonderbras, I had the AUDACITY to think to myself, “What bra size am I, really? And which Sex and the City character would I be right now?”

…And then I quickly and devastatingly realized I was none of them. Charlotte would never be irresponsible enough to lose her phone, Carrie would shop at La Perla, and Miranda…OK, it actually seemed like kind of a Miranda thing to do. Maybe I was a Miranda? 

Anyways, Samantha wouldn’t touch any of it with a ten-foot pole, which depressed the hell out of me. In my younger days (and by that, I mean as a 14-year-old watching heavily edited versions of SATC on TBS), I’d wanted to be a Samantha. I didn’t totally understand her whole vibe (because again, heavily edited episodes), but I knew that she was *sassy* and didn’t seem to take any shit.

After that, 20-year-old me decided I wanted to be Carrie: I ran my school’s weekly sex column (despite having only had sex with a whopping total of six men), started casually smoking cigarettes, and dreamed of moving to New York. 

None of that really played out.

But if we were doing a ~five-year check-in....14-year-old me wanted to be a Samantha, and 20-year-old me wanted to be Carrie—what did 25-year-old me want? And really, wasn’t this a deeply stupid question?? And, really, how could I know the answer to this stupid question when I’d only seen the terrible movies and maybe 15 episodes, tops???

Anyways, I decided that in my current single state, the best thing to do would be to rewatch the whole series, see if any of it held up, and pray my life got interesting enough to do some Carrie Bradshaw-style musing on the side. 

A few weeks ago, a fellow writer told me she’d interviewed a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist, who’d told her that her biggest regret in life was not journaling more. This was a woman who’d made a career of entering war zones, pining about forgetting to fucking journal. 

Naturally, me and my writer friend decided this would be the year that we’d make an effort to keep track of our lives. And this is is how I’m going to do it.

There are 94 episodes of Sex and the City; I’ll try to watch about two episodes per week and keep up this project for the next year or so...or however long it takes! And I’ll probably watch those terrible movies, because like any girl, I FUCKING LOVE that scene where Carrie tries on all the wedding dresses.

Yes, New York, it was finally time for me to tackle the age-old question: 

Could an old Clinton/Bush-era show keep up with new tricks? Could a self-proclaimed 2017 Feminist worried about falling wages and that fucker Mike Pence taking away her reproductive rights lose herself in a frivolous show about sex and fashion???!

Or something like that. I live in Orange County, what do I know. OH, and I haven’t had sex in over a year.

Sooooooo..yeah! Now I’m sitting in bed in one of my cheap new lacy bras, queuing up SATC while eating a pumpkin scone and drinking a Ballast Point Mango Even Keel like a reeeeeal basic bitch. 

But just for the record, since no one’s around to confirm or deny: this lacy half-priced bra is doing fucking WONDERS for my boobs.

Let’s. Begin.

Episode One - Sex and the City (Pilot)

OK, I didn’t think I’d need you guys to watch along with me, but guys: I know all of y’all locked down someone’s ex-boyfriend’s mom’s HBOGO password to watch Game of Thrones, so PLEASE go watch this ep so you can understand what I’m about to say:

This series, one of the most iconic of ALL TIME, opens with “Once upon a time...” and then a TERRIBLE story about some girl from London getting stood up by a man in New York. 

AND the worst part is that this girl? CLEARLY? has an AUStRALIAN accent??!> 

Our OG British heroine Elizabeth (WHO WE NEVER SEE AGAIN) pronounces this, “Oy don’t unduhsteeeend.” I AM SHOOK. BRITISH MY ARSE.

IMPORTANT!!! THIS is how we’re introduced to Carrie Bradshaw:

I can’t believe I didn’t buy cigarettes for this!

And after dramatically stamping out her cig, she launches into this gem: 

“The end of love in Manhattan. Welcome to the Age of Uninnocence. No one has breakfast at Tiffany’s, and no one has affairs to remember...Cupid has flown the co-op. (then, directly to camera) How the hell did we get into this mess???”

That....is not great. But! I FORGOT SHE BREAKS THE FOURTH WALL AND TALKS TO CAMERA IN S1. Frank Underwood, get fucked—what you’re doing ain’t new, ya toxic white male.

Young Me didn’t know about Shine Theory and T Swift fake feminism, and I unabashedly hated Charlotte. 2017 Me is much more woke but...it is still very difficult for me to...support Charlotte. 

Her opening line is, “Men are threatened by successful women. If you want to get these guys, you have to keep your mouth shut, and play the rules.” 

I know that she’s probably technically right, but also... I HAVE NEVER DISAGREED WITH ANYTHING MORE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

(Also: Charlotte YORK?! Y’all gonna write a series about NEW YORK CITY and name a main character York. C’mon Candace Bushnell, boo, you’re better than that, right?)

“What women really want is Alec Baldwin!” a very unimpressive white male specimen just squawked at the camera for no reason. 

The first time we meet Samantha, she advocates having sex like a man: sex with no strings—or feelings—attached.

14-year-old me was like, “HELL YEAH GIRL THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT. ALSO WHAT’S SEX LIKE.” 

Aaaaaand 25-year-old me doesn’t feel much differently.

“The right guy is an illusion—start living your life!” —Samantha Jones

So Carrie does it! And she does it in the most delightful way! She lets an ex eat her out, and when he pokes his stupid head up out of the sheets to groan, “My turn,” she *kisses him on the forehead* and leaves. *Chef’s kiss!*

She leaves feeling “powerful, potent, and incredibly alive”...

...and then, because women can never win, and must always be punished for our actions in one way or another, she drops the contents of her purse on the ground, and is humiliated when a hot stranger (BIG) picks up a roll of condoms and hands them to her. Fuck that blushing; good on ‘ya for being prepared, Carrie.

Me one second: You know, I don’t think being a Miranda is terrible! All men ARE assholes!!

Me one second later: Oh Jesus Christ, Miranda is harsh as hell

Later in the episode, Carrie realizes that somehow men like it even more when we decide to have sex without feelings...and suddenly, men win, again. 

“Did all men want their women promiscuous and unattached? Why didn’t I feel more in control?” 

This is the part I must’ve missed. In my years of idolizing the Samanthas, the Rozs, the Elaines, telling my college-self that sex without feelings was the way to go, that dating a lot of men would be adventurous and FUN™, this is the part I could never get a hold of: when you’ve convinced yourself that you’re strong enough to detach from everything, sometimes you really are strong enough to do it! But sometimes, you’re lying.

Well, after that hard-hitter, time to escape back into the show, and—OH NO. Big just got introduced as the “NEXT DONALD TRUMP except younger and much better looking.” Welp, now I’ll never be able to root for him again.

The Donald Trump thing does not completely step on the catharsis of watching this episode, though. That catharsis comes from the relentless tearing down of 90% of mediocre white men we encounter throughout the pilot. 

After Charlotte turns down sex with this guy (whose name is CAPOTE DUNCAN because of course it is lord help us), he gets into her cab, gives the cabbie the address of a club, and says:  

No one’s actually this terrible IRL, but I LOVE that if we’re gonna make someone overtly horrid to signal to the audience that they are the WORST type of human, it’s the Eric-Trump-lookin’ ass white dude named CAPOTE.

“And so, another Friday night in Manhattan crept towards dawn...”

And as Big creeps up to Carrie in his town car and (?!) instructs his driver to honk at her on the street at 3 a.m. (?!), it *dawns* on me: 

FUCK, he really does remind me of Donald Trump!

Here are the words he says to Carrie during their first real conversation:

“Get in, for chrissakes.”

“You mean like a hooker?”

“You’re not like that.”

“You’ve never been in love.”

He condescends and embarrasses the hell out of her...and she’s smitten.

And I get it. 

I mean, I absolutely get it on a personal level, as a girl who’s been “He’s Just Not That Into You” levels of attracted to someone whose teasing I took to be flirting. More than once.

But also...leaning into the Donald Trump comparison a little hard here, on a larger level... That’s how Tr*** succeeded, right? By tearing us down again and again, making us feel bad about ourselves, just like every shitty man ever, just so he could position himself as someone who could come in and help us (the “us” here is a general “us”; I certainly didn’t buy that shit). 

He fucking NEGGED us, and so did Big. And it worked for both of them. 

Big is the only rich white man in this episode who isn’t relentlessly dunked on, even though he seems to be just as terrible as Byron Fingerbottom or whatever that last guy’s name was. My official position on this as of episode one? FUCK BIG. And FUCK all rich white men. And also, DON’T fuck rich white men, EVER.

By god, watching this series actually might be harder than I thought.

Finally, I need you guys to know that they hold this shot

FOR FOUR WHOLE FUCKING SECONDS 

and then the episode fades out!!!!!! WHAT. HOW DID THIS PILOT EVER GET PICKED UP.

Episode 1 Wrap-up

Best line: “Abso-fuckin-lutely.” —Big, whom I detest at this moment

Best look: The fashion in the pilot is disappointing as hell! Everyone wears plain black dresses all episode. There is ONE mention of Manolo Blahnik, and it’s not even in reference to a pair of shoes Carrie owns/is currently buying. The most exciting things that happen outfit-wise are the above peek of leopard, Miranda’s ridiculous commitment to huge white collars peeking out of everything...and this ephemeral ray of light:

Carrie, hair thrown up, in something that looks like a men’s pajama shirt, eating a carton of chocolate ice cream. 

As I sit here putting the finishing touches on this blog, also wearing blue men’s pajamas (v cheap and v much from Primark) and hand jewelry, inexplicably, with my hair thrown up, eating a bowl of Cocoa Krispies (I just started my period k) in a bougie apartment that I’m paying WAY too much for, I couldn’t help but wonder....

Was I actually already more of a Carrie than I’d thought?

Perhaps, there was hope for me yet.

Eh. Perhaps not.