#basically i started seriously considering if i were autistic and its motivated me to make some big changes in my life

[curioscurio]

Successfully just prioritized my own mental health and quit my retail job!

I did it scared and alone and crying and full of compulsive shame, but I survived.

Some context:

I found my mom passed out on the floor the other day and it turns out she needs a heart stent for a 90% blocked artery. Untreated it would have ultimately led to a heart attack. I know I'm not the only person who's found their mother unconscious on the floor but I can't imagine it's easy for anyone.

She's doing good right now though! She's expected to make a full recovery, but the emotional toll plus CPTSD made the situation so much worse for us. It also triggered a huge breakdown ( or suspected autistic burnout ) that has left me unable to continue my retail job. That and far too many problems with the job itself. I was already pretty sure about quitting, but this for sure sped it up.

Anyway! Time to look for remote work. Again...

[rasp-passion-two]

Hello, sorry if this is annoying but can you explain how Himiko is neurodivirgent, I don't mean to come off as rude or anything, I just don't know much about the topic and am curious? Sorry to cause any trouble.

It’s absolutely not any trouble!! I love talking about how Himiko shows signs of being neurodivergent. It hits close to home specifically since not only is she one of my favorite characters, but I relate to her a lot. Okay, this might be a bit long, so sorry about that lol:

So in case you don’t know exactly what it is, neurodiversity is when mentally your brain is wired differently than normal, or “neurotypical”, peoples brains. Especially with considerably easy functions like socialising, thinking, learning, developing or ageing, and many others. Many disorders can fall under the neurodiversity spectrum. ADHD, BPD, autism spectrum disorder, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, dyslexia, and many others.

Personally, I think Himiko would fall into the category of being autistic, which has a lot going into it, but can be summed up as a developmental disorder that involves delays in communication, thinking, social situations, and basic human understanding.

Though there is a thread on Twitter that does a good job covering certain criterias that I won’t end up covering (her lack of understanding of social cues, development delays, the reason why she’s depressed, etc.) and it’s really good!!

Below, I’ll list the traits that, in my opinion, Himiko possesses that are common in ND people. Not all of them will be listed, just the bigger ones:

Talking in a slow, almost “emotionless” way

Himiko talks a certain way throughout the whole of the game, rarely ever changing even when she’s expressing very strong emotions. From the very first line she speaks, Himiko talks about something exciting to her, but still sounds very flat and unenthused. Most ND people will always speak in the same tone of voice no matter what. Sometimes, it's very flat and monotone, like Himikos. Sometimes they'll speak slowly either to gather together what they want to say next, or that's just how they were wired to speak. (Almost exactly like Jataro from DR:AE who speaks in a similar way. Who also has a few neurodivergent traits. But that's just a theory c:)

Childish behavior

This usually ranges, but Himiko has a few traits that neurodivergent people have that others consider “too childish”. She’s extremely naive in how she perceives the world, people around her, and their intentions with interacting with her. Like when Kaito asked her to bring her a crossbow of all things and it takes little for her to be convinced to assist him. Or when Kokichi makes fun of her, and she doesn't always gets it. She's sometimes able to understand, but mostly she doesn't understand that he's just taking advantage of her innocence to treat her how he does with others. She takes things everyone says at face value and believes them easily. Her peers consider her to be a bit slow in many areas, almost in a childlike way. She almost has a child-level understanding of vocabulary (i.e. pronounces words the way children do like how the way she says magic almost sounds like “myagic”, her vocabulary is pretty limited, and she usually starts using certain words that she hears others use). When having her Master brought up with the possibility that he left her selfishly and that she was better than him, she always denies it, keeping an innocent mentality so she won’t feel too bad. After being motivated to move forward, she’s seen a lot to want to be helpful to the group and do something useful, and in return they, in my opinion, view that behavior how older people view a child wanting to be helpful to them. The thread above goes more into detail (her bathroom issues, having a unique way of remembering and referring to objects), but these are only some of the examples for Himiko's maturity.

Being a “gifted child” when she was young

This is entirely my speculation since this is never addressed in canon, but Himiko strikes me as a former “gifted child” which most NDs go through. Her “gift” was discovered at a young age and she was really skilled at it. She was known for it by huge masses of people and praised for it. She even had to save the person who saw the talent in her and taught her everything she knows about it when he made a mistake. She gets invited to all types of events because of it. Lot’s of ND kids who were thought of as “gifted'' may have gone through the same thing. It would also explain why she’s so depressed and unmotivated through most of the game, as a result of what’s called “gifted child syndrome”. Having so much praise and expectations set on her so young. Getting older and not having the same energy for it as you had before. Technically all the DR kids are former gifted children, since they're the product of a company exploiting their "gifts", which is a factor in how the world ended in the way it was. But Himiko has more, you could say "traditional" symptoms and after-effects of growing up as a gifted child (depressed, lack of motivation, lack of motivation in her subject, etc.).

Being viewed as lazy

Even though she takes what she's passionate about seriously, less than when she was younger or not, Himiko doesn't always take action with magic, and even everyday tasks. ND people usually lack any sort of drive, sometimes having an “I’ll come back to it later” mentality, excited about it or not. Himiko lacks any drive and motivation throughout the game, even at the idea of being killed, or put in the line of suspicion for someone's killer. She’ll always make excuses on why she can’t act on things, the most common being “she doesn’t have enough MP”. Which goes back to her talent as a magician, which she is especially sluggish in.

Bottling in her emotions and not wanting them to show. But when she does, it results in an on-going meltdown

We all saw it in its prime during the end of the third trial after all, right? Himiko was sort of always closed in, but it wasn't extreme since she hadn't hit her lowest yet. When she did though, (being the prime suspect of Ryoma dying, her closest friends Tenko and Angie dying, being one of the suspects of one of their murders, etc.) She still attempted to hold it all in, which ND people do for a variety of reasons (not knowing how to process extreme emotions, not wanting too much attention by expressing them, or choosing unhealthy ways to process your feelings, amongst others). But once Kokichi called her out for the second time? Not only was everything practically gushing out of her face, but she literally passed out from crying for so long. I don't know whether to laugh or cry at that myself, ha. 

The same thing happened in the last trial kind of. Once the truth of the killing game and their identities is revealed, she seems to have a meltdown. It could be from the overwhelmingness of the situation. It could be the amount of "change" of the situation, which she doesn't even remember. It could also be overstimulating tones with the change in environment, the info dumping, and how everyone jumped from topic to topic etc. Meltdowns are normal for ND people, especially since they usually hold in their feelings. Himiko got better at expressing herself, but meltdowns will still happen once something overwhelming occurs (it's a great way to let out steam!!)

Stimming

Stimming is when someone, ND or not, self-stimulates themselves by repeatedly moving in some way either by speaking, moving either themselves or something else, or watching someone else do it. Most of the time, you can see Himiko fidgeting with her fingers or with her hat. Doing something with her hands, which is a form of stimming

Despite that, Himiko most noticeably stims by speaking, as she sometimes repeats stuff others say, sometimes repeats a word in order to comfort herself and her beliefs (saying “it’s magic” over and over, either in retaliation or in general), and has a go-to word that she’ll always use almost every sentence when she doesn’t know what to say, is caught off guard/by surprise, or just when she starts and ends her sentences (y’know like, “nyeh”?).

“Odd” facial features/expressions

This one presents itself a lot in the game and through her design as well. Her lip stays tucked out all the time, her eyes don’t always stay open, and her face often keeps the same expression (tired and kind of bored). Just like when she speaks, even when she's expressing intense emotions, she'll keep a mellow expression. She lifts her hat into the air and not much changes expression-wise. She'll be accusatory to someone and not much changes expression-wise. To certain people she interacts with, they think her face is "weird" since it'll pull in ways it usually doesn't for NT people. It could be because she's trying to force the look on herself so it's more easier for people to read (which is shown to be the case for most people), but it's also possible that it's just how she looks. Since she's older, she has more freedom to make more strategies to have more natural expressions, but it's still off-putting to some of her peers.

The infamous saying, “she comes off as annoying”

Many people know this one well, and Himiko is no different, especially in the earlier chapters. Almost everything stated above is a factor that plays in people's disdain for Himiko, in the game and the fandom. Characters like Shuichi, Kaede, Tenko, and even Angie are one of the only few people who try to understand and adjust to Himiko's behavior in their own method, while everyone else either ignores her, doesn’t take her seriously, or even end up bullying her because of it, not willing to adjust themselves for her specific brand of behavior. Being an obvious target, coming off as weird, being too blunt and coming off as rude (which even caused her having strained relationships with K1-B0, Miu, etc.), sometimes hyperfixating too hard on magic (her “special interest”), all seem to be a reason for people thinking she’s too high maintenance.

,,,this ask sure is a month old isn’t it? retrdfyugihhuyt I am EXTREMELY sorry I answered this so late, but I haven’t been online lately because of moving, but at least I managed to finish this in less than a day lol. It’s long, but I love Himiko, and love all the quirks that make her who she is, and am happy to explain it to others!! I hope this answered your questions either way (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

[cumbersome-apparatus]

Ughhh, I finished it like forever ago, but my soul won’t rest until I finally say it once and for all... What I fucking thought of 1984.

I thought it was... Bad. I disliked it. I knew I would. But I said that already and it can’t be my WHOLE ENTIRE THOUGHTS.

So I guess I’ll say it had its good points, and that, actually, its good points could be really interesting. It’s just a shame they had to be part of 1984, which was written by a guy who wanted to gloss over that stuff as quickly as possible to get back into the “but what if the government was... Bad? Bad like This? Hmm?” stuff. Which I found insufferable. Tbh, it’s one of my bottom five tropes and nothing turns me off a story faster. Which doesn’t mean Bad Governments are a trope I dislike. I just don’t like stories that are about them and seem to only exist as a Dire Warning. I hate stories as Dire Warnings and Bad Examples (or even Good Examples) in general. (It’s why my eyes roll all the way back into my head when people start up with that “As LoNg As YoU CoNdEmN iT iN tHe TeXt” bullcrap. No! I won’t! I’ll write bad situations and unlikable people and let the audience sort it out and there’s nothing you can do to stop me!)

One thing I did really like was the prison arc near the end of the book, or at least a lot of the aspects of it. I mean, most of the book listlessly oscillated between hokey and dry, and then, holy shit, the writing got really viscerally emotional and evocative right the fuck out of nowhere. This is a weird thing to say about a book I don’t even like, but the descriptions of both physical suffering and complete no-exits hopelessness, and the depiction of knock-down-drag-out person-on-person dehumanization, actually stick out as standards to hold myself to when I’m writing awful things. And like... Okay. I’ve never been a naysayer in a dystopia, and have never experienced anything to that degree, but I was an autistic kid in abusive educational and therapeutic settings, so a lot how the nuts and bolts of behavioral conditioning were written about and explained rang really true to me. There was an exchange that went something like “look at yourself!” “what are you talking about? You did this to me.” that punched me right in the gut. And my favorite part of the whole book was probably the line about how it isn’t enough that people obey you, they have to suffer while they do it, or else you can’t know they’re following your will and not their own. It honestly felt like time stopped when I read that, because, holy shit, that’s spot fucking on, it’s intentional and it always has been. That concept was an unthought known of mine, I’m pretty sure. And it probably also was for people who did all that shit to me, too, or maybe they actually were aware of it, at least in some awful euphemistic sense, and holy shit, I’m so not surprised I came out of that with probable PTSD.

...But even the really insightful parts of that leg of the story were kind of ruined because they came out in the context of one guy standing over another guy and ranting like a cartoon villain, because this goddamn book is fucking extra at all times.

The other Surprisingly Good Prison Arc revelation is why I’m not the kind of person who likes this kind of book. I’m not really all that interested in Bad Societies to Avoid on a macro scale as the meat of the story, but I am interested in interpersonal violence and trauma in stories, which might require a Bad Society or might not, but either way, the system itself isn’t the interesting part of the scenario, except as context and motivation for the individuals involved. And the wider context/specific scenario wires just never quite connected properly. The one guy was just... A cartoon villain. Talking up the whole system as if he was the one who instated it and wrapping it up with an overwrought metaphor about a boot.

ANYWAY.

A minor quibble, before I go off on a whole other long tangent about the next thing: this book seriously could not make up its mind about whether it’s good or bad to be stupid. The only conclusion it came to is that lower-class people are the stupid ones, but that makes you either docile sheeple or salt-of-the-earth noble savages who are going to save the world. I guess? Whatever it is, I don’t like it.

ONWARD.

I’ve said before that this book jumps right over the most interesting concept in the whole thing, which is the thought/language relationship. YOU INVENTED THE CONCEPT OF A LANGUAGE SPECIFICALLY CREATED TO ATTENUATE THOUGHT AND THEN DIDN’T GET INTO THE WEEDS WITH IT AT ALL. Which, duh, this a book about how attenuating thought is evil and we shouldn’t do it, not a sink-your-teeth-in exploration of cognition and semiotics. That involves open-ended conclusions on your part and would make it harder for George Orwell to smack you with a ruler!

But then there’s the thing where it did kind of start to delve deeper, which is actually a current pet fascination of mine and relevant to my goddamn Solarpunk thing: the whole premise around creating a tightly self-regulating society by manipulating social norms and letting herd mentality do the rest. Which I always think of as the “all lines are curved in the Velodrome” theory of soft authoritarianism. Like basically weaponizing the Overton Window? It’s actually really fascinating! But (there’s always a but with this book) it kind of loses some of its punch when the society portrayed is also just a regular old dictatorship where people kick the shit out of you and Make You Disappear. It’s like the author took the core concept of the book and didn’t even use it! And I guess you can argue that the setting was in a transitional phase, which is fair, and that actually could be really interesting, but it... Wasn’t. And that’s the whole problem I had with the story, pretty much. Not only was it preachy and hokey, but it was full of wasted potential.

ADDITIONAL GARBAGE THOUGHTS:

-How the heck did the other three Improbably Large Nations keep up the “we’ve only ever been at war with those guys and not the other ones” illusion? I can suspend my belief a little bit for Oceania, where the other two are three letters apart from each other and at least some people would probably just shrug and assume they read something wrong yesterday, but I don’t buy it for a second when it comes to the E*asia countries. People would damn well remember that the guys they were mad at yesterday started with an O and then the whole system would fall apart. People aren’t geniuses as a rule, but they usually damn well know if they read an O.

-Also, how is the whole “thoughtcrime” thing even enforced? I know it has to do with analyzing facial expressions, but... How? You can’t tell me that people know how to tell “bad thoughts about our overlord” from “itchy,” “smelled sour milk,” “intrusive thought about stepping on a nail,” “have to pee,” or “wondering where I put that thing” on every single individual face.

-Oh look, it’s another book that ends with a fictional document talking about the Bad Bad Government in the past tense. Where have I seen this before? Perhaps in another hamfisted trainwreck of a book. Perhaps in one that involves color-coded robes.

-Was it better than The Handmaid’s Tale? Eh. It was less-worse, for sure. But mostly just in ways that pissed me off because there were multiple interesting things ruined by being part of this Aesop Fable from hell, not just the one interesting thing with the vague threats of being sent away to clean up radioactive waste until your nose falls off.

-Did I ever tell you that I’ve considered making a blog where I read and dunk on every book in the “transparently didactic dystopian novel that somehow isn’t usually factored as genre fiction” genre? Because I have, but honestly, I don’t know when I’ll be able to bring myself to do this. Partly because I’d have to slog through THT a third time and 1984 a second, which is bad enough, but also because I’d probably eventually have to read Ayn Rand, and have you seen the size of those things? 1984 felt like it rambled on forever, and those are, like, three 1984s stacked on top of each other and there’s at least two of them. I’m willing to go through a lot if I get to make fun of something, but that’s really pushing it.