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trickstarbrave · 4 years ago

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I see some of my old posts abt this getting likes still so I did feel the need for whatever reason to post an update or rather restatement to my views on the topic

I know this is a horribly tired topic that was discoursed to hell and then left behind and for good reason so as a warning: ace discourse below

First and foremost I’m not in the business of telling ppl wholesale they don’t belong in the community. The vast majority of ace ppl are also other various lgbt identies and trying to “remove” people from the community is not a thing I’d ever advocate for nor have I really ever as far as I can remember. If I have in bad faith I would like to extend an apology bc I have bad memories problems and think those actions are wrong and harmful. If the consensus is ace ppl are lgbt then I’m not here to say everyone else is wrong and I’m the authority on lgbt identities. We are a coalition group, a mashing of communities w sometimes shared histories and experiences. Even if I think ace and aro ppl don’t have as many of those in common I don’t get to decide if they are or not. They are now and I’m more focused on making that work

Still though since it’s inception the ace community has not been a very healthy one. As at best a newer addition to the lgbt community being brought to light and given a label and community, the community has been toxic. Much of the foundational moments for identity were from the AVEN forums and a lot of harmful misogynistic, transphobic, homophobic, and ableist things were said on their and supported. This kind of behavior has continued well into the community even today.

This is not a moral judgment on asexuals or aromamtics. I’m aromantic. I was also subjected to these things. I always felt alienated from the community. Even when trying to engage behavior was half the time welcoming and understanding and half the time felt very hostile. I point this out because again: many asexuals and aromantics are other lgbt identies and this rhetoric is very harmful. It’s alienating. It makes you feel guiltier at times. Furthermore at times the community pressured ppl who did not have absolutely any desire for sex in any capacity to be okay with it, as though they were on the same level as people who liked and enjoyed sexual acts removed from sexual attraction to people. Sometimes it encouraged harassing people for saying having sex was a vital part of relationships for them and they felt incompatable with someone who was repulsed by sex and didn’t feel abstaining for a hypothetical ace partner would be healthy for either of them. Even more alarming was qpp’s, really originating from the aro community, spreading and simply being a tool for a while in many circles to coerce people into relationships who otherwise wouldn’t be okay with polyamory or were underaged. I’ve seen so much harm and been subjecting to it that I did have to (and still want to but avoid it for stress reasons) point this out. Even more alarming was during the discourse era seeing big name ace bloggers with large underaged followings bring on self admitted pedophiles to their blogs, and refusing to apologize when said pedophile admitted to sexually harassing minors. Lies were spread to demonize lesbians especially, and to a degree gay men as well, including that we steal funding we don’t need

As well (currently) the lgbt community hasn’t had the best resources to provide a good environment for ace and aro issues, and the ace community has not made it a priority in many spheres to curate those spaces either. As an aro sexual abuse victim there were many times I didn’t want to see public displays of affection or hear abt sexuality of any kind at times (despite not being ace) and I knew asking for those to cease in lgbt spaces would be harmful and come across as bigoted. Lgbt spaces are places to express your comfort in your identity and your relationships in the way cishet ppl can whenever they want to in society. Seeking out spaces without that just meant retreating and being alone. A curated space for aro and ace ppl would have removed tension I know many people have had and still do experience by providing refuge for sex and romance repulsed ace and aro ppl

I felt more boundaries would be beneficial, as while trans people are no doubt a part of the lgbt community (regardless of how many trabsphobes say we don’t belong), trans specific areas and communities still exist. Trans spaces where trans experiences are centered are a priority. The ace community regardless needs better spaces for ace people besides social media and Internet forums. It needs structure and accountability. It needs to unlearn harmful practices and bigotry that have run rampant for their own members’ sake, not for the sake of outside people to see validity in it.

And for a while, people who were otherwise cisgendered, heteroromantic and asexual would speak out in lgbt spaces about trans and gay issues because this is the “same community”. Cis gay men have no authority on lesbian, bi, or trans issues. Cis lesbians have no authority on gay men’s, bi, or trans issues. Cis heterosexual trans ppl shouldn’t talk abt lgbp issues w authority. Cishet ace and aro ppl shouldn’t talk those either. A lot of the hostility and early discourse was abt that, about those bloggers who very quickly left the discussions and website entirely in some cases, speaking about issues that shouldn’t concern them. About homophobia and how it should be treated or tolerated, using slurs they had no right using, and more. Even more alienating was ppl saying a character was ace rather than gay, and when pointed out they could be both it resulted in backlash as trying to take away ace representation, and then real human survivors of sexual abuse who were dead were framed as ace icons and ace representation while framing their discussions of their reactions to sexual abuse as “the ace experience”. Lies spread that ace conversion therapy was a thing and that doctors were going to hold you down and feed you medicine to make you want to have sex, terrifying many young bloggers on this website who genuinely believed and lived in fear of this happening until they were told it was misinformation and lies.

(Yes you can be sexually assaulted for being ace, yes victims of sexual abuse can as a result ID as ace or aro, that’s not what I’m arguing against in case somehow someone finds a way )

But from the other side I’ve seen and spoken out against people who just said bigoted things. Claiming there were too many gender and sexuality identities. I think the split attraction model is limited to ace and aro ppl to explain our identities more coherently and misapplying it to others only servers in the end to stigmatize various sexualities, but this went beyond that. For many people “grey” and “demi” modifiers are useful. I’m grey aro. My romantic feelings are complicated and inconsistent enough I think it’s not average. Sure to a degree “anyone” could be demi or aro and many ppl in the ace community have misattributed those modified identities to ppl who didn’t even fully explore how they felt, but they are not worthless. I can count to you how many times I’ve felt genuine romantic attraction, and I do not fully understand the intricacies of romantic attraction, nor the differences at time between platonic feelings in practice. I was mocked for my identity several times and saw people with identities like mine mocked. This was not a discussion of it these identities were harmful like claiming disassociating during sex was a normal sexual identity. At worst they are unnecessary.

I’ve been always more invested abt having a better community for ace and aro ppl bc that’s what I ultimately wanted. No, they didn’t have the messy intertwined history of other lgbt identities but also they didn’t have to be. Lgbt or not there wasn’t a space for ace and aro ppl I thought was really healthy. It was either they existed there in a group with other people with their issues being talked about or not at all. Ace pride colors were based on the at times toxic forum website AVEN. The aro community was often overlooked by ace ppl or at times actively thrown under the bus.

And lies and misinformation was still spread. Pieces of history incoherently being co-opted and misappropriated to seem legitimate. And to top it all off ace and aro specific oppression was incoherently discussed to. How different forms of oppression work together and often feed into each other or take new shapes was ignored. Studies were extremely limited in scope, loaded, and mostly inconclusive. Facets of misogyny and even homophobia were framed as ace exclusive and unique experiences, and people lied about real life discrimination for being ace (usually these were young people like the 15 y/o who claimed to have two gay dads who kicked her out for being ace, so I won’t dwell on those as much. Tumblr has been a weird website). Discussions of race especially were riddled w terrible behavior from white ace bloggers who resorted to lying, shaming, and guilt tripping. All this only serves to fan the flames and drive a wedge between communities even tho inclusionists claimed it was all evil exclusionists doing while refusing to call out the misinformation and bigotry they often spread. There was no purpose in harassing bloggers of color, no purpose in terrifying children so they lived in fear of medical professionals and most ppl, and no excuse.

Hopefully moving on from this it will truly die away, but I hope people learn from it. This wasn’t just as some ppl frame it cis gay and lesbian bloggers starting a harassment campaign to try and kick aces out on a large scale. This was a messy discussion that was years brewing until it exploded in even more vitriol, misinformation, and rage. It became an opportunity to critique an (albeit in comparison young) community for harmful behavior that was going unchecked and lead to even further bigotry, misinformation, and alienation. And the bigotry and misinformation didn’t serve a purpose and little understanding of what ace and aro people needed besides information and education to the public, which was already taking place before this, was had. And ultimately I expected more from the community at large.

To ace and aro followers and readers: I’ve seen some ugly parts of the community but I don’t necessarily demand you answer for that behavior, unless you’re personally guilt of it. I don’t say this because I have a mission to prove you’re bad. I think the community is toxic, but it will ultimately not get better unless ppl who are dedicated to it are willing to help find what resources ppl need, provide it, and refuse to encourage or call out shitty behavior. And ultimately that will come from a place of love and desire to create an environment future generations will feel welcomed in. I just don’t want other ace and aro kids being lied to about what they’ll experience, subjected to homophobia and transphobia of many colors, and at times groomed by adults. And I don’t want it based around just social media where anyone can lie abt credentials and act like an expert to further any of those horrible goals, even unintentionally

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d4a2evrlv · 4 years ago

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Couples -TIME slipped by - keep the doors open...

As a blog of sorts, it seems to me that based on some friends who are finding stress in their lives, it is time to put some vision on some people who are finding themselves out of sorts with their mates and in need of some motivation to restore their faith in themselves. Fortuantely or unfortunately, I am well beyond my nascent days but will take advantage of some knowledge about myself and my mate that I've discovered is similar with others people. So, here are a few reality checks:

A point arrives in men's ♂ lives when the body no longer produces an adequate supply of nitric oxide(NO), the value of which was documented in 1992, and 3 scientists were given a Nobel prize for in 1998, as they linked it to the cardiovascular system. You can get more info as you feel it is needed, but you'll find that NO is, among other things, important for men to get an erection. Why is this important? My own experience as well as that of many others is that when that part of our anatomy starts to let us down, our self-image also drops. Our mood changes. We put up walls around the subject of sex - some people even lose interest in it and that spills over into their relationship with a significant partner...

A point arrives in women's ♀ lives when they too lose some of their positive self image. It is important to note that the issue related to NO also impacts women ♀. NO is an arousal booster for ♂ and ♀, so it is important to realize that as aging issues, ranging from dismay that there are new wrinkles in the skin to dryness where you least want it arrive, there is something going on about which couples need to do something.

First and foremost, it is a time to keep open lines of communication with your partner, otherwise the 'drifting apart' syndrome sets into the relationship - doors close, walls go up, men become complacent alone on websites where younger more supple bodies are on display, women feel awkward about even discussing sex, etc. It is in the 'etc.' where we need to play some games AND take some personal responsibility for our own bodies. Here there is no attempt to discuss all of the various supplements that are available to combat the multitude of maladies that seem to attack us as time marches on - including NO. What I hope you might take away, in addition to a few smiles, is an attitude that you can do something about your own life to add quality to it. I strongly suggest that if you are over the age of 50, you look into the combination of diet and supplements that will help you as each new aging challenge arises. Nobody is going to hold your hand - YOU have to do it if you really want to keep your partner and yourself tuned to the wonderful channel we call life. People who have good relationships live longer, love longer and generally have more happiness than even the wealthiest of single people. I will also add that if you are overweight, drink eight 12 oz glasses of water EVERY day. That might not solve all of the issues related to weight, but if you're overweight, you've likely found out a few clues from other sources, including pushing yourself away from the table, but for more than 50 years, I've had the pleasure of seeing the value of the water aspect of weight control work with unmitigating success.

Now, let's play some games with some questions that you might have asked your partner some years ago, but might not have asked recently...

> Honey, which perfume do you prefer ... ?? And later, after considering the reply and adding it to the venue, 'Could you do the clasp on this necklace for me ... ??'

> Come here - it's been way too long since I've tasted your tongue!

> Could you come here and help me decide which panties I should wear today?

> I think we should sleep in the nude tonight, just in case ...

> Do you think you could wear that silk negligue to bed tonight, just in case ...

> Come here and kiss me, I want to see if this lipstick is too smeary to wear today ...

> Oh, by the way, I put one of your blue pills next to your water glass, just in case ...

> Come here, lover, I have plans for your tongue ...

> You taste delicious, can I have a second helping?!

This is just a start, and I hope some others will add comments that raise libidos. I do have one additional suggestion, and that is to set aside one day of the week where you turn off the TV (I even prefer that the internet and emails are ignored as well), don't allow yourself to engage in memories of when he/she did or didn't do something that annoys you. Don't discuss the news or politics. Don't allow yourself to criticize your partner! (When you have been together for a long time it is way too easy to do it - zip it for a day!) Instead do some things together, whether a game or a walk, but get away from the onslaught of the multimedia world and take a day for living. Try to use that time to engage in some of the things that made you want to be together in the first place. You'll be surprised how much THAT can reduce the stress in your life and make handling all of the other days much more tolerable. Remember, the relationship started with a decision on each of your parts - 2 B By U !

+++++ AS NOTED - THAT WAS JUST A START +++++ CONTINUATION -

A compliment & a complaint - sometimes they just balance out, but I hope some readers will find some incentives to put this into a plus for the guys they love, and maybe some guys will find some incentives to deserve the lasses they love - you get to decide, and comment!

First up is the compliment, and it goes to the ladies whom I've known over time who have been so amazingly well balanced in using their energy to help keep their household. It includes great respect for the cooking, the washing, the cleaning and then, having the energy left to give TLC to family and friends. My feeling is that were it not for that awesome naturing and flexibility, the world would nearly fall apart. I raise a toast to each of you, and some special salutes to those who have done all of this while raising children and even working - those are balancing acts that words cannot adequately compliment. I focus these comments to ladies, as I believe they, as a group, have been far superior to the men in this regard. I also want to compliment the men who indeed HAVE been proactive in the same way, and account for solid contributions to the foundations of a balanced society. There is not space to include all of the aspects of "balanced", but suffice to say that it includes both the mental and spiritual balance.

I also have some complaints, and admit from the start that they constitute some prejudices that I have harbored in my observations of an admittedly somewhat small sample. Still, I believe they are behavioral and changeable such that the reader could take one or two to heart, and thereby add some great joy to their special loved ones. I start with a list of things that can be done once a month (more if you find it of value), and here, I would garner support from some and surely not all, but please read with patience:

Not done enough by most men each month: 1. Give compliments and thanks for the supportive things done to add ease and value to your lives, including*: -Making of the bed and changing of the sheets -Grooming the dog and/or cat -Washing your clothes -Ironing your shirts -Cleaning - bathroom, house, etc. -Perparing your meals - not just preparing, but being attentive to what you want

2. Providing motivation for our loved ones to be nicely attired, practice good hygeine and be motivated to the task. Hugs, kisses, shared funding, good examples set by ourselves all contribute to the desire to do those things, and although there are many who in fact do them, it is not by any means inculcated into each of us to make the effort EVERY DAY to foster those behaviors.

3. Be at home. Yes, we have jobs, yes, we have to set priorities, but all too often, men do not set the home priority high enough. Please belive me, it will come to haunt you if you do not do it. You may have the money to go somewhere else after work, you may have the money to pay a baby-sitter when needed, but by prioritizing this aspect of your life higher, you will garner the motivation to do even better than you can imagine when you elevate this to a higher level in your life. It may be that many have already experienced these benefits as a result of the pandemic, but if you h have not done so, look carefully at youself...

4. Be yourself, but remember, the world is and has always been a stage, and it is up to you to determine both the role you will play, and the pleasure you will be afforded. That pleasure will be afforded on the basis of how you play your role.

5. Recognize that you love has sexual needs, and that there are many ways to meet them. **

* Sometimes a family has sufficient income to have someone else do some of these chores, but the majority of households DO NOT have such luxury, so it falls to family members to do it. The brunt of it all is most often borne by the ladies, but hopefully there are a lot of husbands who pitch in to help, and thereby balance the scales for arduous work!

** First and foremost, talk. You have needs, your partner has needs, and you will spend your life frustrated if you do not get into a head-to-head, heart-to-heart, TOTALLY CANDID discussion about what they like and don't like and how you can reach agreement on when, how, etc.

Not enought done by most ladies each month: 1. Tell your guy more of what he's doing right than what he's doing wrong. When you vocalize the 'wrong' - and without question ladies, we OFTEN KNOW when we're wrong - you are instigating the creation of a wall between you. It is not that we haven't all got walls, but more daunting your approach, the higher the wall. It is sad, as the "I told you so..." conversation doesn't contribute to the solution. You may think it will prevent or deter a 'next-time', but often words gogue below the surface and undermine optimal communication. 2. Don't play the role of the martyr. If the communicaton lines are broken - work to fix them, but taking that role of the down-trodden is not going to play well for the long-term. It may get the kids on your side, but be an adult with an eye on balance across the whole family - negotiate - use your resources to move to a position of respectful grace. 3. Try to understand the word pleasure on a multitude of levels - not just a couple of them, and don't get yourself stuck inside an excessively repeative rut - reach out, go on the internet and find out what other ladies do to leverage both their own and their lover's pleasure. a. Tell him what you like b. Be open to some new sensations c. Prepare for a fun "Date" Lipstick Panties (or maybe NO panties!) Perfume Show-off your assets - tease, buy some exotic things Underrated: silk gloves a dildo that YOU pick out and use letting him see you play with yourself Invite him, flirt with him, make him a bit jealous d. Taste (one hint, get your man to drink a bit of pineapple juice every day!) Whether you are old or young, your man WANTS to taste YOU! Take the time to teach him how to find and reach the pleasure points you enjoy! Don't expect he knows everything - he doesn't know you like you know yourself Train him to be your lover, teach him when and how to please you e. NEVER STOP pushing to have sex! As men age, the nitric oxide of our youth does not keep pace with our desire to have sex. Keep this in mind - at the age of 100 we will still WANT to have sex. While some pills will help the situation YOU should find out where they are kept and PUT THEM OUT REGULARLY FOR HIM AND MAKE SEXUAL DEMANDS - even if you just put on something sexy and give him some tongue exercise!! f. Kiss - never stop, never skip a day. Remember the time you nearly wanted to put your tongue down his throat? He does, and it never ceases to be part of his fondest memories...

This is probably incomplete, but hopefully it is motivation for some fun in your lives and a catalyst for pumping up you desires to play and be played with throughout your lives.

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