#baja blasts your balls off

[evilbitchartist]

hello hi im neil!! and im not actually an evil bitch thats an inside joke (i am an artist though!!)

taking requests at the moment to help start this blog up a bit!! mainly just pokemon characters (especially the galar gym leaders/rivals/leon!! (especially ESPECIALLY piers and raihan)), though i might draw other random requests if they interest me enough

output is gonna be a little slow as im using my phone and my finger to draw as my laptop keeps bluescreening </3

standard DNI criteria

[mamirhodessxox]

Scraped prompts from some of my Stories!!

Hey They Delilah, His Strange Addiction & I hate you more1

🖤✨🖤✨🖤✨🖤✨🖤✨🖤✨🖤✨🖤

I hate you more

“Are we seriously smuggling food into a movie theater? Isn’t that like Illegal?” “Didn’t you literally commit murder & arson within the same week?” “Shutup Cody that’s different.” -Sasha & Cody

“The next time I see Cody I’m gonna do it! I’ll ask him to be my boyfriend!” “Hey Sasha.” “Cody! Will you be my- my- be my- Bed buddy partner!”-Sasha & Cody

“I’m so happy I could stab someone!” “Alright let’s take the knife away from you yeah?”-Marianna & Randy

“I’ll going to grab you by the balls & rip them off if you touch my fucking leftovers again.” “Not the first time you’ve grabbed my balls.”-Sasha & Cody

“No yeah because literally stuffing me in a fucking closet while my house sounds like a battlefield in Gettysburg totally benefits me”-Barbra

“Guys stop fighting! Just make out or something already this sexual tensions getting on my nerves.”-Marianna

“I mean I can see how that benefits you sure but how does you killing one of my buyers during a deal for fun benefit me exactly?”-Cody

“I swear to god Seth if you leave the toilet lid up one more time I’m gonna castrate you.” “That might’ve been me…”-Sasha & Cody

“The next person to walk in this office is getting shot in the cranium.” “Hiii!! It’s so good to see you!” “ohh my god!! Marianna heyyy..!”-Randy & Marianna

“Right cool so next time you bring up having sex with my sister PLEASE CHECK YOUR FUCKING SURROUNDINGS FIRST.”-Seth

“What if we just stuff him in a shipping container and ship him off to china or something?” “IS THAT NOT HUMAN TRAFFICKING?”-Cody & Sasha

“Hey Cody? I just started my period can you go to the store and buy me tampons?” “Yeah sure what size is your pussy?” “Nevermind.”-Sasha & Cody

“I hope everyone goes to bed early so I can set this fucking house on fire.” “Hey guy’s i think we should evacuate like right now.”-Sasha & Seth

“Your grounded!” “BUT MOMMM I ONLY STABBED LIKE 10 OF THEM!!”-Barbra & Sasha

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His strange addiction

“Can you please get out of my kitchen while I’m cooking it’s stressing me out.” “Oh you mean the kitchen I pay the bills for? Yeah sure.”-Milena & Cody

“You look sooo…beautiful.” “Cody you seducing me right now is only going to make me more pissed off.”-Milena & Cody

“So..Can i ask how you did..that?” “He was being cocky at a gym and ripped his tit doing things he shouldn’t be doing without a warmup.” “Not exactly how I’d describe it but alright.”-Milena & Cody at the doctors office

“Nobody wants to smell your stench Bianca. Please stand at least 10 ft away from me because social distancing won’t save me from whatever airborne diseases you carry.”-Seth @ Bianca

“Are you sure you want me to take your picture because last time I did you threw it at my head & screamed russian at me.” “It was spanish don’t be dramatic.”-Jey & Milena

“How about we talk about the time you slept with Bianca?” “Worst mistake of my life.”-Milena & Cody

“Yeah no next time your horny I’ll cock block you & give YOU your own taste of medicine on what having blue balls feels like.” “I don’t have balls I have a vagina..?” “Fuck.”-Cody & Milena

“¿CON QUIÉN COÑO ESTÁS HABLANDO??” “UHHH CHICKEN QUESADILLAS & A BAJA BLAST!?”-Milena & Jey

“For someone who used to call himself Dashing Cody Rhodes your not really dashing, your kind of a dick.”-Seth

“You guys make me want to jump off a flying airplane.” “That’s pretty dangerous you probably shouldn’t.”-Milena & Jey

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Hey There Delilah

“Are you sure I can trust you with a knife because last time I gave you one you threw it at Cody.” “He was annoying me what do you expect?”-Delilah & Mirabella

“Who the fuck came in here with a rancid smelling pussy??” *Nikki walks in* “There’s your answer.”-Mira & Randy

“YOUR BOOBS ARE SO FUCKING FAKE MIRA LEAVE ME ALONE!” “Erm actually they’re not I inspected them myself.”-Nikki & Randy

“Dirty talk me.” “The dishes in the sink are unwashed, trash is polluting our earth..”-Cody & Lilah

“So are you like…? Horny?” “No but I can be.”-Mira & Randy

“You can’t bring me down I’m on a high right now! And the D is FIREEEE” “Mira stop quoting gypsy rose you do not know what the “D” even feels like”-Mirabella & Cody

“If you ever give Delilah a pregnancy scare again I’ll cut your balls off” “Good to know she’s not pregnant…?”-Mirabella & Cody

“Guys what’s that stain on the couch?” “My bad bro me & Mira got bored.” “Oh..”-Seth & Randy

“Coddyyy!!! Look at me!! Aren’t I so cute!!” “DELILAH I’M SCARED THERES A SKIN-WALKER IN MY DRESSING ROOM!”-Nikki & Cody

“Cody c’mon you deserve a REAL woman.” “I guess i don’t have the female anatomy anymore to prove that I’m in-fact a real woman.”-Nikki & Delilah

“SHUT UP SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL STRANGLE ALL OF YOU IN YOUR SLEEP.” “Someone get a pregnancy test for Delilah please.”-Delilah & Seth

“Last time we went to target you bought a baby crib.” “So?! I WANT THE FUCKING CRIB!” “Babe YOUR NOT PREGNANT!?”-Delilah & Cody

“I’m pregnanttt!!” “We knew when you started shouting at Cody over how you saw a worm die today.”-Delilah & Mirabella

“Are there nuts in that banana bread” “No just chocolate chi-“ “Cody loves nuts. Including mine.”-Cody, Delilah & Randy

“I can’t eat nuts i’ll have an allergic reaction” “That’s not what you told me last night.”-Mira & Randy

“I look so mysterious & spooky!!” “Your drunk & wearing Cody’s wedding suit go lay down.”-Delilah & Mira

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Dead Witches Wish

“Just an FYI tall dark & horny 12 o’clock” “STOP MAKING FUCKING JOKES WHILE A DEMON IS ABOUT TO KILL US SETH I’M LITERALLY ABOUT TO RIP YOUR THROAT OUT RIGHT NOW.”-Renna & Seth

“So you’re a vampire?? Do you like turn into a bat & say bleh bleh bleh??” “No…I do not say Bleh Bleh Bleh. I’m a grown man.” “You cried over the last episode of My Little Pony shut the fuck up.”-Evara, Cody & Randy

“So is anybody going to address the elephant in the room.” “Guys why the fuck is there a dead man standing in my room right now?” “Oh thats greg, anyways what about the devi-“-Seth & Renna

“Is it a bad time to say I’m really horny right now?” “Randy your always horny.”-Renna & Randy

“So…Dinner?” “After you tried drinking my blood? No thanks Count Dracula I’m good.”-Cody & Evara

“Can someone explain to me why there’s a cult in all black cloaks humming in our backyard?” “Oh seth found a new hobby.” “Being a cult leader?” “Yeah the people here are easily manipulated.”-Renna & Cody

“Are you sure you want me to do this spell with you? Because the last time we did this and messed it up almost you stood by the end of my bed at 3:33 AM mumbling reserved latin.” “Your being over dramatic.” “You summoned the fucking devil into my closet?” “Calm down that’s a stretch” “HE’S STANDING RIGHT THERE WHAT DO YOU MEAN??”-Seth & Evara

“So are we just not going to talk about the fact we literally spawned into the 7th layer of hell??” “Shut-up your going to wake it.” “WAKE WHAT EVE??”-Evara & Renna

“I love you by the way.” “Dude! That is AWESOME SAUCE!”-Seth & Becky

“Someone tell eve to come out of her room she’s been making love spells and sulking because she thinks Cody doesn’t love her back.” “I literally told her to stop turning people who slightly disagree with her into frogs.”-Randy & Cody

“Hey guys just wanna let you know that I would not recommend to go into the base-“ “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?”-Randy & Seth

“How would you describe me?” “Well you look a little emo so I’m gonna say you give like Panic At the Disco vibes hut specifically their song New Perspective.” “Oh.”-Cody & Evara

“I think I’m in love with you..” “Cody out of all of the times to confess this you confess it as we’re hiding from a fucking demon.”-Cody & Evara

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🏷️ list: @alyyaanna @ginswife @coolpastelartshoe @greatkoalawizard @cokolin044 @kotoriarlert @alicerosejensen @bunnybot55 @agent-dessis-posts @adollonyourshelf @mini-rhodes @southerngirl41 @harmshake @femdisa @kabloswrld @claymoresofinfamy23 @jeysbvck

[notsocheezy]

Brain Curd #70

Brain Curds are lightly edited flash fiction - practically first drafts - posted daily and sometimes written with the express intention of being terrible… but, you know, in an endearing way. This is a continuation of Brain Curd #69, so read that first. Please enjoy.

Gregory took the trays from the counter. He was sweating. He made his way back to the table as slowly as he could, hoping the thoughts might get bored and drift away. Or at the very least, he hoped the conversation could move on to something other than vague homoeroticism.

He set the trays down and the others dug in. He took his steak quesadilla from the pile and tore a piece off.

“So anyway,” Harry said, chewing on a nacho chip. “We need to decide right now if we’re gonna get an apartment together or live in a frat house.”

“Aren’t we supposed to live in the dorms the first year?” Gregory asked.

“Fuck that, man. I’m not eating that dining hall slop.” Harry squeezed the stacker into his mouth like a tube of toothpaste and began ripping the remaining tortilla to shreds with his teeth, swallowing it without chewing. He always ate like that.

“I hear initiation gets pretty intense at frats,” Mutt added, crunching on a taco. “My cousin had to have a whole keg of beer before they let him in.”

Gregory swallowed. “I don’t think I could drink that much at once.”

“I didn’t say they made him drink it…”

Gregory’s eyes went wide. “You mean…?”

“They stuck a tube up his butt.”

“Damn, bro.” Harry took a sip of Baja Blast. “I could never have anything up there. That’s the wrong way, man, wrong direction.”

“I bet I could do it,” Gregory said without thinking.

The others stared at him again.

“I mean, I’m not afraid of a challenge.”

“Yeah, okay,” Harry said dismissively. “You go ahead and let Samuel Adams fuck you in the ass, I’m gonna do something else. They gotta give you options, right? The point is to embarrass you, not to scar you for life.”

Mutt replied. “My dad told me that in Phi Beta Kappa, they used to make new initiates streak across the whole campus at midnight.”

“Damn, bro. Wouldn’t you freeze your balls off doing that?”

“Guess not, since I was born like five years later.”

“Unless you’re adopted.”

Mutt threw a chip at Harry. “Fuck off, man.”

“What? You don’t look anything like your parents, bro.”

“Greg-O,” Mutt banged on the table. “What do you think?”

“Hmmm. I never really thouuught about it…”

“He looks like he’s from Iceland or some shit, right?”

“No I don’t!”

“Yeah, Harry, I don’t think Mutt’s adopted. Him and his dad both have the same chiseled, cleft chin.”

Mutt blew raspberries Harry’s way. “Told you, dumbass.”

“Whatever.”

“You know, uh…” Gregory hesitated. “My father always told me that to get into his fraternity, he had to win a tournament.”

“What kind of tournament?” Harry asked, suspicious.

“Gay Chicken.”

Harry choked on his soda. “What?”

“And it was really involved, too. Like, one match went on for a whole day. They had to go to class and everything.”

“Are you telling me your dad made out with another dude in the middle of a fucking psychology class?”

“Pretty much.” Gregory took a bite of chalupa. “He won, though.”

“I wouldn’t want to go up against you in a game of Gay Chicken, man. I bet it’s in your genetics or some shit.”

“You’re a fucking baby, Harry.” Mutt took a Cinnabon Delight from the box. “I bet I could win a game of Gay Chicken against anyone.”

Harry scratched his head. “Is that something you should be bragging about?”

Mutt took a bite of his Cinnabon Delight. The creamy filling leaked out the other side and landed on his chest. He made eye contact with Gregory and refused to break it. This, Gregory recognized, was a challenge. And he was determined to win. He practically leapt across the table to lick it off Mutt’s chest and the two began passionately making out. Harry looked like he was going to throw up.

The Taco Bell workers begged for them to stop, but it was no use. Both were determined to win, and both had foolproof methods which sadly are likely to get this blog in trouble if I were to go into too much detail. Some say Gregory and Mutt are still playing Gay Chicken to this very day. Though it’s mostly Harry who says so.

[blue-nardo]

Alright guys, gals and nonbinary pals! As previous Five Time Champ it is my greatest honor and privilege to give to you our lineup for the Seventh Annual Lair Games!

This year's games are unlike any other, with each round something entirely new thanks your incredible game maker, moi! That's Spanish for Leo btw-

Round One: Pipe Goop Portal Chicken! Starting us off with a classic, my all time signature event from my time as a player, but with a special Hamato Leonardo twist: All competitors will balance over an open portal! The first person to flinch gets portalled to the other side of the Lair and has to find their way back before the next event, or they are immediately disqualified from Round Two!

Round Two: The Handstand Hill Bomb! Yet another classic to ease our way into things! Players must balance on their skateboards going down the ramp in a perfect handstand! First person to cross the finish line wins!

Round Three: Pie Darts Versus Portals! In celebration of Pi Day (yes Donnie I did make Pi themed events you're welcome) this is one of three Pie Themed events! Instead of our usual pizza darts, this year we'll be throwing slices of pie at our targets!

Round Four: Shell Shuffle! Somewhere hidden in the Lair is my awesome battle shell. First person to find the shell and bring it to me wins. But! Every fifteen seconds, I portal the shell to a new location!

Round Five: Dizzy Hopscotch! A new spin on the classic Dizzy Race, players will spin themselves in a chair, making themselves dizzy before completing a game of hopscotch and pressing the button!

Round Six: Fizzy Volcano! It's national scientist day, so let's do an experiment! Put a thing of Mentos in a giant bottle of soda, and the first person to drink their entire bottle wins!

Round Seven: Attack of the Killer Saxes! Hidden in the Lair are several pieces of five different saxophones and a jingle! Players must find and assemble their saxophones and play the jingle perfectly! First person to do this wins!

Round Eight: Pie Me Up Piebald! Introducing our other awesome sister, players will face off against Piebald for the chance to get their grubby hands on the the elusive Chocolate Silk Pie!

Round Nine: The Pie Eatening! A good old fashioned pie eating contest!

Round Ten: Glitter Pumpkin Break! Inspired by our previous watermelon competition, players must try to get the perfect split on five glitter filled pumpins! The only catch? No weapons allowed!

Round Eleven: Blind Love! Kind of like hide and seek, where all of the players are blindfolded and seeking out your favorite ex-ninja, me! First player to find me and give me a hug wins!

Round Twelve: Capture the Bandana! Our training game taken to a whole new level! It's a free for all on whose bandana can be snatched first! The last person standing with their mask wins!

Round Thirteen: Baja Beach Ball Blast! Instead of water balloons, why not use beach balls? Last person standing wins!

Round Fourteen: PUN-ishment! Featuring Not-So-Special Guest Baron Draxum! Who doesn't love a good old fashioned pun competition?? First person to come up with a witty quip that makes Draxum so much as chuckle wins!

Round Fifteen: Pineapple Balance! As a bitter reminder of that awful time everyone blamed me for sabotaging Donnie last year during Fridge Balance, this year we'll be balancing Pineapples instead! Whoever hits the floor last wins!

Round Sixteen: Finishing things off with our all time classic, Shell Bowling! Players will jump off from the top of the skateboard ramp and will try to score the perfect ten!

Good luck to all of our competitors: Donnie, Mikey, Raph, and newcomers Venus and Yuichi! I'll let our previous Champ Donnie make his speech, then I'm handing the commentary over to our girls April! Happy Lair Games and Happy Pi Day everybody!

[goblin-enjoyer]

recently got friendsim because it is on sale [LIKE 2 DOLLARS STEAM MONEY]. my thoughts.

probably spoilers idk what registers as that for this game idk its late and I am making a post on tumblr.com, hold on to your socks folks, its going to get rambly. (probably, I do this as I go)

Game was nice, short and sweet. wasn't too short to where you were left wanting more as well as a refund, not to long where you would start getting tired and start wishing it would end. almost got to that at the end for me but that's mostly because it went annoyingly meta/romancey. Most of the characters are nice and enjoyable and the ones that aren't usually either acknowledged as annoying/obnoxious by the game and/or get comeuppance at some point for being gits. Favorites had to be the jades, the big purple longhorn and either some teal or olive(?) blood that i cant quite remember because there's quite a few characters, I suck at remembering names and faces(even with fictional characters, what can I say, brain just doesn't like storing that info) and its almost 3 am and despite saying "oh I should probably stop posting stuff that I want read at late times of night, I get rather rambly and nonsensical at night." here I am making a review for a game(?) I liked and would recommend. but I think ii have gotten ahead of myself. not to worry I will probably forget this later and go over the topic again, as I do at these hours. but yeah the writing was witty, fun and most of the time knew when to joke and when to evoke emotions. nice exploration of alterna troll civilization as well as a nice break from the grand stakes and threats of homestuck proper. sure got a wee bit meta at the end but it didn't overstay its welcome. the ending did make me wish there was an epilogue for the characters that tied up loose ends and sent the game off better than mr ball head spouting off some meta "pawn, scheme, blah blah blah, not real, using you, yatta yatta, etc, etc.." but eh I'm used to good stories made by people who don't know how to write endings (I'm looking at you primal). oh yeah almost forgot one of my favorite parts of the game! The FRIEND part of friendsim. Its not a dating simulator despite the look of it! my aro/ace arse could not be happier that pretty much all the "romance-like" stuff was reserved for optional paths. especially glad there was no dating stuff because all the characters were minors. hate that I have to say it but I keep my distance from dating sims and visual novels for that reason. apologies anime fans, I know there's a lot of good anime out there, without that weird wishy-washy stuff, but I don't know enough about tropes and visual tells from trailers and stuff to personally discern the weirdly hornys from the not hornys. I'm just not good at detecting that stuff without heavy research first. ok random somewhat off topic ramble about horny blindness done, this post is getting way too long I should not have made it this late at night, I had one baja blast and it is keeping me up with sudo energy. hate having to spin the "Soda Wheel of Energy Based Side Effects!" every time i want a nice carbonated sugar beverage. is that an autistic thing or just me?

anyways, friendsim is a good read for both homestuck fans and non fans alike(however it may be more likely to get enjoyment from the former). with mostly great characters, a fun, if dark sometimes story and great art and music, this NOTdating sim is overall a great to good experience with a few bumps in the road. Wish there was a sequel or dlc or something for story continuations for all the characters but that's just me. its currently cheap on steam so get it if you want it or might want to give a few chapters a read threw on a boring day.

[fuzzyface]

Hmm. Not sure I can let my girlfriend live this one down.

[transarsonist]

they should offer orchis in the taco bell drive thru baja blast your balls off

[hell0mega]

2222 deuces wild

20 hoo hoo, let's learn about owls

20 hooty-hoo, let's learn about Outcast

20 boppity-boo, be the magic

Carl Daniels

Carl Daniels' kickass year

____: a good year for Carls

____: it was a great year for Carls

20 cummies 2

20 whoopty-do, who cares/gives a shit

20 yummy stew, something's cooking!

20 yummy stew, what's cooking (good looking)?

20 yummy stew, toss an onion in

20 yummy stew, mix it up

20 yummy stew, put it in the pot

20 yummy stew, let it simmer

20 20 20 20 20

20 20 20

20 20 20!!

20 funny shoes, an odd pairing

20 venti brew, OH that java!

20 skies of blue, anything is possible

20 coming through, clear the way

20 coming through, emerge into your power

20 coming through, e m e r g e

20 runny goo

20 sun tea view, porch life! (???)

banjo 20 kazoo, (banjo kazooie noise)

20 scooby doo

20 lookie-loo, on the horizon

20 mummy crew, back from the dead

20 mummy crew, rise again

20 mummy crew, straight out the tomb

20 mummy crew, rise my love

20 mummy crew, sarcopha-get it

20 mummy crew, lying in wait

20 mummy stew, put it in the pot

20 mummy crew, together we rise

20 mummy crew, pyramid dreams

20 mummy crew, under wraps

20 mummy crew, wrap it up

20 view-askew, let's meet Kevin Smith

20 mummy crew, disrupt the tomb

20 mummy crew, buried with cats

20 running shoe

20 cunning shrew

20 mummy crew, shame the grave

20 mummy crew, death is only the beginning

20 do the dew, brought to you by Mountain Dew™ Baja Blast™

20 Long John Silver's, enjoy a crispy fish

20 barbeque

20 black and blue

20 cordon bleu, cookin fancy

20 something blue, tie the knot

20 deja vu

20 broader view

20 point of view

2020 dieu, second chances

2020-2, a year of sequels

20 peak-a-boo, here we are!

20 pikachu, electric mouse

20 electric boogaloo

20 pikachu, don't evolve

20 rendezvous, good evening

20 rendezvous, hello there~

20 rendezvous, in/to the veranda

20 rendezvous, i see you there

20 rendezvous, a nighttime affair

20 rendezvous, a night to remember

20 rendezvous, a walk to remember

20 rendezvous, meeting in person

20 Jenny Sue, you get on out to that corn pasture feed them piggies

20 peggy sue, oo-ee-oo i look just like buddy holly

20 oo oo oo, YUM-OH!

20 oo oo oo, a spicy one

20 oo oo oo, do-wop's back

20 switcheroo

20 tried and true

20 dr. drew, he sucks now

20 you should sue, get your justice

20 more bamboo, it's sustainable

20 kangaroo, put it in the pouch

20 kangaroo, jump on it

20 revenue, maximize your earning potential

20 racing crew, it's about family

20 more fondue, make it cheesey

20 sudoku, line 'em up

20 pay-per-view, all our episodes cost 1 dollar

20 misconstrue, say that again?

more for me and you

20 just for you

20 not for you

20 new tattoo

20 money's through, time to become a crypto lord

20 sun tea view

20 rise of gru

20 baby shoe, for sale, never worn

20 IOU, we will give the next year a much better name

20 IOU one good year name

20 IOU one hour of your life back

20 mummy stew, people used to eat mummies

yummy mummy brew

20 new shampoo, gotta try something/something's gotta change

20 new shampoo, something's gotta give

20 tummy goo, what's on- what's on- what's that on your- whadyou got on your tummy?

the upset tummy crew

20 old U2, you just listen to Joshua Tree

20 no taboo

20 in review

squirty-cummy-goo?!

2023, off the rails

2023, take a pass

2023, looking forward

the deuce

the double deuce

20 tutu, ballet time

mmxxii, mix it up

20 big league chew

20 breaking through, emerge

20 talking to, sit down. you fucked up.

20 rendezvous, trading secrets

20 rendezvous, there's been a murder!

20 mummy crew, wrap it up (but different)

20 rendezvous, get organized. organize. do it. seize the means of production

20 rendezvous, stronger together

20 rendezvous, strength in numbers

20 mummy crew, strength in numbers

20 mummy crew, THE TIES THAT BIND

20 mummy crew, wear your heart

20 busting through, oh yeah!

20 we've been sued

20 what's this do? mysterious buttons

20 rendezvous, show yourself

20 big debut

20 rendezvous, have a ball

20 rendezvous, time to conspire

20 rendezvous, meet me in the dark place

20 rendezvous, clandestine moment

20 rendezvous, a secret...... kiss

20 rendezvous, stolen moments

20 rendezvous, a kiss for us

20 rendezvous, every kiss is a gift

20 rendezvous, hidden passions

20 rendezvous, making memories

20 rendezvous, fight the break of dawn

20 rendezvous, till the sun comes up

20 rendezvous, slappin' bodies together

20 rendezvous, the night is young

20 rendezvous, we'll always have Vienna

20 rendezvous, remember Fiji?

20 rendezvous: fancy night/a night of fancy

20 rendezvous, i haven't seen Marcus in years

20 rendezvous, there's only tonight

20 rendezvous, a fancy fantasy

20 rendezvous, fancy takes flight

[mindninjax]

WARNING: THIS IS A CRACK POST. FOR GOD'S SAKE DON'T DO THIS AND THINK IT'S SEXY.

In honor of the LBH hitting 30k followers, I give you the dumbest most stupidest thing I have literally ever written in my entire fucking life based on this request from the big brained LBH herself. @lady-bakuhoe

Jo...if this is not a show of how much I love you what else is there???

Warnings: oral sex (male receiving), Bakugo literally being a fucking idiot, and I guess also the reader being an idiot, they’re both idiots. Don’t @me.

It started off as a dumb ass comment from your pro hero boyfriend who was pissy (as he always is, no surprise there) that you didn’t want a fucking salad for dinner tonight. He and his healthy eating habits that you’re honestly super grateful for because he keeps you in shape and your body healthy BUT not after a very very very shitty day at work. You know, those days where you just wanna fill your body with absolute crap and not think about how crappy it is because fuck it, it taste good, at least in the moment.

Anywhoo, You’d ordered from your comfort food place, Taco Bell, same old same old. Crunchwrap supreme, soft shell taco, EXTRA LARGE Baja blast because you fucking deserve the extra large after the shitty day. And here comes Katsu giving you shit about how gross and shitty it is and how you’ll have to work out twice as hard to work it off next week and blah blah blah and frankly you’re NOT in the mood to listen to him nag you.

“Would you just let me have ONE day, Katsu? For Christ sake it was so stressful at work, I have a headache and your yelling isn’t helping! Let me drink my damn Baja Blast in peace!”

Enter, Katsu’s sly nasty ass comment because let’s get real mans is petty as fuck. “You told me two nights ago my dick was the only thing that could relieve your stress. So what, you a liar now?” He challenges, and you know he’s joking but you’re so irritated right now that frankly you wanna deal a blow to his stupidly enormous ego so you retort.

“Maybe I am. Maybe this Baja Blast is better at making me happy than your dick Katsu. How does that make you feel?”

He narrows his eyes and he’s baring his teeth at you while you smirk a cocky smile at him. Of course, he’s pissed but that’s why the two of you work so well together. Because you both can be petty as fuck and it makes for great make up sex after. Which is how you find yourself on your knees with Katsuki’s cock stuffed down your throat.

He’s looking down at you, large fists tangled in your hair as he pushes himself down your throat and throws his head back in ecstasy. Your eyes are watering as he holds you there and you gag around his thick length, drool falling down the side of your mouth. One large hand cups your face, his fingers dig into your sucked in cheeks as he pulls you back to give you a very short break.

“What was all that shit you were talking earlier? It’s different when you’re choking on my dick, right?” He growls as you take a deep breath and look up at him, face soaked with spit and precum. He doesn’t give you a chance to respond as he shoves his cock back into your open mouth, thrusting his hips until the thick blonde coily hair is tickling your nose and his balls are slapping against your chin. A loud teasing laugh fills the room as he sees the surprise on your face before he groans out a long winded “Fffuuuccckkkkk” at your throat flexing around his cock.

Your cup of Baja Blast sits on the table next to the two of you on the couch, half finished, probably flat and gross and watery from the ice melting by now and Katsu looks over at it menacingly. You know the exact moment he thinks of his ridiculous next move as it lights up in his irritating crimson stare.

“You like Baja Blast so much…” he pulls back from our mouth for just a second to grab the cup and rip the cap off,” be a good slut and lick it off my dick then.”

You blink up at him and you think he’s joking all the way up until he dips his cock into the luke warm watered down Baja Blast in your cup, pulls it out dripping and cold and puts it back to your parted lips. You don’t even have time to think about how fucking stupid what you’re doing is but and you’ll never ever admit this aloud, the taste of the fruity watered down sticky soda and the taste of Katsuki’s sweet sweat is so fucking sexy you moan, actually moan when you lick up his length. He moans with you, lost in the way you’ve increased your pace and wrapped your lips even tighter around his cock.

It’s so good he can’t even chastise you like he wants, all he can mutter is a string of curses as he fucks your face and shoots ropes of cum down your throat, groaning in pleasure as his hips stutter and he rubs your hair gently. You pull back from his dick with an audible pop and wipe your mouth as you both sit back on the couch. He wraps an arm around your shoulder and laughs.

“I should ask for more Baja Blast Blowjobs more often.”

[spanishskulduggery]

Pokemon Vocabulary in Spanish

Because I’ve been playing Pokemon a lot lately I decided to throw together a vocab list. Keep in mind that a lot of the words are usually direct translations that work really well in English or they’re closer to the original Japanese. I’ll make notes where needed.

Some of these are a little different between the European Spanish version and the Latin American Spanish version. For example, “brick break” in Spain is demolición which is “demolition”, and in Latin America it’s karatazo meaning “karate chop”. Most of these are the same, but some are regionally distinct. I’m going based off of Spain because I’m consulting my game which is European Spanish.

Note: Any official names or names of moves will be Uppercase. Me explaining what they more literally mean will be lowercase so there’s no confusion

Los tipos / Types

Normal = Normal normal = normal, regular

Fuego = Fire el fuego = fire

Agua = Water el agua = water [technically a feminine noun]

Planta = Grass la planta = plant [“grass” is usually la hierba or sometimes words like el pasto, or for a “lawn/grass” it’s often el césped] 

Volador = Flying volador(a) = flying, capable of flight

Tierra = Ground la tierra = earth, ground

Roca = Rock la roca = rock [synonymous with la piedra “stone”]

Eléctrico = Electric eléctrico/a = electric

Bicho = Bug el bicho = bug [slang for el insecto “insect”, though el bicho can sometimes mean other things]

Lucha = Fighting la lucha = a fight / wrestling [la lucha libre]

Psíquico = Psychic psíquico/a = psychic

Veneno = Poison el veneno = poison, venom

Fantasma = Ghost el fantasma = ghost [surprisingly, fantasma is masculine]

Hielo = Ice el hielo = ice

Dragón = Dragon el dragón = dragon

Acero = Steel el acero = steel

Siniestro = Dark siniestro/a = sinister, shady, underhanded [in older contexts siniestro/a is “left” or “left-handed”]

Hada = Fairy el hada = fairy [technically a feminine noun]

Remember that the Pokemon types themselves are considered adjectives 

Me gustan los Pokemon tipo Agua. = I like water-type Pokemon.

No me gustan los Pokemon tipo Hada. = I don’t like fairy-type Pokemon.

Los Pokemon tipo Fantasma son mis favoritos. = Ghost-type Pokemon are my favorites.

El (tipo) Siniestro es débil contra el tipo Hada, Bicho, y Lucha. = Dark is weak against Fairy, Bug, and Fighting.

El (tipo) Psíquico es fuerte contra el tipo Veneno y Lucha. = Psychic is strong against Poison and Fighting.

¿Cuáles son los Pokemon tipo Acero más fuertes? = What are the strongest steel-type Pokemon?

-

Los ataques / Attacks

Malicioso = Leer malicioso/a = malicious

Cara Susto = Scary Face la cara = face (el) susto = scare, fright da susto = scary

Placaje = Tackle el placaje = tackle [in football/rugby]

Derribo = Take Down el derribo = demolition derribar = to knock down, to bring down

Doble Filo = Double Edge el filo = edge, blade

Picotazo = Peck el pico = beak -azo = [suffix meaning “a strike from”; thus it’s “a strike with a beak”]

Mofa = Taunt la mofa = ridicule, mockery, taunting mofar(se) = to taunt / to make fun of

Arañazo = Scratch el arañazo = a scratch arañar = to scratch

Cuchillada = Slash la cuchillada = a slash or stab (with something sharp) acuchillar = to stab/slash (often with a knife which is el cuchillo)

Constricción = Wrap la constricción = constriction

Atadura = Bind la atadura = binding, ties atar = to tie, to tie up

Atizar = Slam atizar = to stoke, to stir up / to slam, to whack

Impactrueno = Thundershock el impacto = impact el trueno = thunder

Ascuas = Ember el ascua = an ember [technically feminine, las ascuas in plural]

Pistola Agua = Water Gun la pistola = pistol, gun el agua = water [technically feminine]

Destructor = Pound destructor(a) = destructive

Burbuja = Bubble la burbuja = a bubble

Mordisco = Bite el mordisco = a bite morder = to bite

Triturar = Crunch triturar = to crunch, to crush, to mash

Ataque Arena = Sand Attack el ataque = attack la arena = sand [or “arena” as in a stadium]

Pisotón = Stomp el pisotón = a stomp, a stamping (of the foot) [lit. “big trample/step”] pisotear = to step on, to trample pisar = to step on, to step foot on

Golpe Cuerpo = Body Slam el golpe = strike, hit el cuerpo = body

Contoneo = Swagger el contoneo = swaying, swaggering contonear = “to swing your hips”, “to walk with a swagger”, “to strut”

Bostezo = Yawn el bostezo = a yawn bostezar = to yawn

Más Psique = Psych Up [lit. “more/plus” + “psyche”]

Corpulencia = Bulk Up la corpulencia = size/girth/bulk (of the body), corpulence corpulento = large/fat, bulky

Reserva = Stockpile la reserva = reserve, a stockpile reservar = to reserve, to save up

Escupir = Spit Up escupir = to spit [they probably went with escupir “to spit” because “to spit up” in English sounds more like vomitar is more gross]

Tragar = Swallow tragar = to swallow

Rayo = Thunderbolt el rayo = a lightning bolt, a bolt

el rayo = a beam/bolt Rayo Hielo = Ice Beam Rayo Solar = Solar Beam Rayo Carga = Charge Beam Rayo Confuso = Confuse Beam Rayo Burbuja = Bubble Beam Rayo Aurora = Aurora Beam Psicorrayo = Psybeam Hiperrayo = Hyper Beam

la onda = wave [often in the sense of electromagnetic waves, microwave, wavelengths etc.] Onda Trueno = Thunder Wave Onda Ígnea = Heat Wave Onda Voltio = Shock Wave Onda Tóxica = Sludge Wave

el puño = fist / punch Puño Fuego = Fire Punch Puño Trueno = Thunder Punch Puño Hielo = Ice Punch Puño Sombra = Shadow Punch Puño Drenaje = Drain Punch

la patada = a kick Doble Patada = Double Kick Patada Baja = Low Kick Patada Ígnea = Blaze Kick

la garra = claw Garra Dragón = Dragon Claw Garra Metal = Metal Claw Garra Umbría = Shadow Claw

el colmillo = fang Colmillo Veneno = Poison Fang Colmillo Ígneo = Fire Fang Colmillo Rayo = Thunder Fang Colmillo Hielo = Ice Fang

Vendaval = Hurricane el vendaval = gale, strong wind [el huracán is “hurricane” literally]

Fuego Fatuo = Will-O-Wisp el fuego fatuo = will-o-wisp [ghostly lights]

Tóxico = Toxic tóxico/a = toxic, poisonous

Lanzallamas = Flamethrower el lanzallamas = a flamethrower [lit. “launches/throws-flames”]

Ventisca = Blizzard la ventisca = blizzard, flurry

Cornada = Horn Attack la cornada = goring [being gored by the horns or tusks of an animal]

Bote = Bounce el bote = a bounce, a jump [among other things]

Buena Baza = Assurance la baza = a trump card, “ace up the sleeve”, “secret weapon” [so literally it means “a really good trump card”]

Maquinación = Nasty Plot la maquinación = machination, plot, plotting, sneaky plan

Látigo = Tail Whip el látigo = whip, lash

Latigazo = Power Whip el latigazo = lashing, a lash, a whipping  [lit. “blow from a whip”]

Azote = Flail el azote = a whip, a flail, a scourge, cat-o-nine-tails / a smack from a whip azotear = to whip, to lash

Carámbano = Icicle Spear el carámbano = an icicle

Brillo Mágico = Dazzling Gleam el brillo = shine, gleam mágico/a = magical

Absorber = Absorb absorber = to absorb

Megaagotar = megadrain agotar = to drain, to drain away, to exhaust

Gigadrenado = gigadrain drenar = to drain

Polvo Veneno = Poison Powder el polvo = dust / powder

Paralizador = Stun Spore paralizador(a) = paralyzing

Somnífero = Sleep Powder somnífero/a = inducing sleep el somnífero = a sleeping pill

Fuerza Lunar = Moon Blast la fuerza = strength lunar = lunar/moon

Rueda Fuego = Flame Wheel la rueda = wheel

Terremoto = Earthquake el terremoto = earthquake

Bola Sombra = Shadow Ball la bola = ball la sombra = shadow, shade

Psíquico = Psychic

Paranormal = Extrasensory paranormal = paranormal, ghostly, spooky

el tajo = a cut or slash Tajo Aéreo = Air Slash Tajo Umbrío = Night Slash Tajo Cruzado = Cross Chop

Sombra Vil = Shadow Sneak la sombra = shadow vil = vile, evil, fiendish

Tinieblas = Nightshade las tinieblas = “darkness” [used euphemistically as “darkness” or “the shadows”]

el pulso = pulse Pulso Umbrío = Dark Pulse Pulso Dragón = Dragon Pulse Pulso Cura = Heal Pulse Hidropulso = Water Pulse

la cola = tail Cola Férrea = Iron Tail Cola Veneno = Poison Tail Cola Dragón = Dragon Tail Acua Cola = Aqua Tail

Hidrobomba = Hydro Pump la bomba = pump / bomb

Hidroariete = Liquidation el ariete = battering ram, ram (of a ship) / striker, forward (in football/soccer, sometimes called el delantero in Spanish) [literally hidroariete would be like “hydro-ram”]

Liofilización = Freeze Dry la liofilización = (the process of) freeze-drying

Testarazo = Head Smash la testa = head [another word for la cabeza] testarudo/a = stubborn, hard headed la testarada = headbutt [another word for el cabezazo] -azo = (a strike with)

Mazazo = Wood Hammer el mazo = mallet, hammer -azo = (a strike with)

Pantalla de Luz = Light Screen la pantalla = screen la luz = light

Reflejo = Reflect el reflejo = reflection / reflex

Avalancha = Rock Slide la avalancha = avalanche [snow] / rockslide [rocks]

Alud = Avalanche el alud = avalanche [slow] / rockslide [rocks] / mudslide [mud] / deluge, spill

Picadura = Bug Bite la picadura = bite, sting (from an insect)

Zumbido = Bug Buzz el zumbido = a buzzing, buzzing noise, droning noise (mechanical)

Chirrido = Screech el chirrido = a shriek, a screeching noise chirriar = to squeak, to shriek, to screech

Descanso = Rest el descanso = a rest descansar = to rest

Ronquido = Snore el ronquido = a snore, snoring sound roncar = to snore

Sonámbulo = Sleep Talk sonámbulo/a = a sleepwalker [in Spanish it’s more “to move around in your sleep” but in English it’s “talking”]

Viento Hielo / Viento Helado = Icy Wind el viento = wind hielo = ice helado/a = icy

Torbellino = Whirlpool el torbellino = a whirlpool, a waterspout

Rapidez = Swift la rapidez = quickness

Ida y Vuelta = U-turn (de) ida y vuelta = “round trip” [lit. “going and returning”]

Infortunio = Hex el infortunio = misfortune, accident, bad luck, a jinx/hex

Otra Vez = Encore otra vez = “again”, “once more”, “once again”

Señuelo = Follow Me el señuelo = decoy, lure

Premonición = Future Sight la premonición = premonition, prediction

la púa = spike, barb Púas = Spikes Púas Tóxicas = Toxic Spikes

Puya Nociva = Poison Jab la puya = lance, spear / a sharp jab nocivo/a = noxious, poisonous

Joya de Luz = Power Gem la joya = jewel, gem la luz = light

Furia = Rage la furia = fury, rage, anger

Enfado = Outrage el enfado = anger, rage, outrage

Cascada = Waterfall la cascada = waterfall, cascade

Salmuera = Brine la salmuera = brine / pickling liquid

Escaldar = Scald escaldar = to scald / to blanche (vegetables)

Pájaro Osado = Brave Bird el pájaro = bird osado/a = daring, bold [not as common but synonymous with audaz and atrevido/a for “bold”, though more in the idea of “daring” and “reckless”... not the same as valiente “brave”]

A bocajarro = Close Combat a bocajarro = “(at) point-blank (range)” / “no holding back”, “blunt”

Agua Lodosa = Muddy Water el agua = water [technically feminine] lodoso/a = muddy, sludgy, murky (water)

Bomba Lodo = Sludge Bomb la bomba = bomb / pump el lodo = mud / sludge

Dragoaliento = Dragonbreath el aliento = breath

Cometa Draco = Draco Meteor el cometa = comet [masculine; la cometa is a “kite”]

Perforador = Horn Drill perforador(a) = perforating, something that makes holes

Frío Polar = Sheer Cold el frío = cold polar = polar, of the poles

Canto Helado = Ice Shard el canto = stone, pebble, stone chip, little piece of something / a song, singing, canto helado/a = icy

Poder Pasado = Ancient Power el poder = power pasado/a = past, ancient

Roca Afilada = Stone Edge la roca = rock, stone afilado/a = sharp, razor-sharp

Espada Santa = Sacred Sword la espada = sword santo/a = holy, sacred

Excavar = Dig excavar = to dig

Fuerza Equina = High Horsepower la fuerza = strength equino/a = horse, equine

Llamarada = Fire Blast la llamarada = flash of fire, flare-up

Sofoco = Overheat el sofoco = a hot flash / a feeling of being suffocated or stifled

Lanza Mugre = Gunk Shot lanzar = to throw, to shoot, to launch la mugre = grime, filth 

Tierra Viva = Earth Power la tierra = earth vivo/a = alive, living

Corte = Cut el corte = a cut [from cortar “to cut” / not to be confused with la corte “court”]

Fuerza = Strength la fuerza = power, strength

Surf = Surf el surf = the surf [also surfear “to surf” or hacer surf]

Vuelo = Fly el vuelo = a flight [from volar “to fly”]

Buceo = Dive el buceo = a dive, diving [from bucear “to dive down underwater” as in like “scuba diving” / not to be confused with zambullirse which is someone “diving” off a diving board in swimming]

Destello = Flash el destello = a glimmer, a flash [from destellar “to twinkle” or “to shine, to flash”]

Some Pokemon moves have pretty clear patterns. You might see ígneo/a “fiery/igneous” for fire-related things or just fuego, you normally see umbrío/a “shady, gloomy, dark” for dark or shadow things, férreo/a or de hierro for “iron” for metal and steel moves, or you might see helado/a “icy” for others. Sometimes you see voltio “volt” or voltaico “electric”... things like that.

You can typically spot the patterns and figure out what type they’re talking about if you recognize any cognates in English. So if you know aéreo means “air”, then you can sort of piece together that Golpe Aéreo “Aerial Ace” will be a flying move, since it literally means “air strike”.

-

Día Soleado = Sunny Day

Sequía = Drought la sequía = drought

el sol pega fuerte = “the sunlight is harsh” [lit. “the sun beats/sticks/strikes hard”]

Llovizna = Drizzle

Tormenta (de) Arena = Sandstorm la tormenta de arena = a sandstorm la tormenta de arena zarandea a ___ = “the sandstorm buffets ___”

zarandear = to shake, to buffet, to knock around

Granizo = Hail el granizo = hail / hailstone granizar = to hail

-

Los estados, Los problemas de estados / Status Problems

envenenado/a = poisoned causar envenenamiento = to cause poison / to cause poisoning

quemado/a = burned la quemadura = a burn

congelado/a = frozen

paralizado/a = paralyzed

dormido/a = asleep

daño de retroceso = recoil damage

amedrentar = to flinch, to cause flinching [in Pokemon it’s “flinching”, in regular Spanish it means “to intimidate” or “to instill fear”]

confuso/a = confused

enamorado/a = in love [often caused by (la) Atracción which is “Attract”) estar enamorado/a de = to be in love with

debilitado/a = fainted  [lit. “weakened”]

inmune = immune

Most of these status effects are used with estar given that they’re temporary and states of being

-

La eficacia / Effectiveness

eficaz = effective

supereficaz = super effective

poco eficaz = not very effective

fallar = to miss, to fail

el golpe crítico = critical hit

sin efecto = no effect

afectar = to affect no afecta a ___ = (it) doesn’t affect ___

-

evolucionar = to evolve (Un Pokemon) ha evolucionado = (A Pokemon) evolved (Un Pokemon) está evolucinando = (A Pokemon) is evolving

debilitarse = “to faint” [lit. “to weaken / to go weak, to go limp”; when someone “faints” or “passes out” it’s normally desmayarse, but debilitarse does also have this idea in it too] (Un Pokemon) se ha debilitado = (A Pokemon) fainted

Un Pokemon salvaje te corta el paso = “A wild Pokemon appears” [lit. “a wild Pokemon cuts into your way”, sort of like “a wild Pokemon cuts you off”]

[qforcestat]

Mountain Dew and Other Infinities: Part 1

"So, what do you say?" Bargain-Bin Captain America says as he finishes his pitch. "Want to serve your country and save the world?"

"Nah, I'm good," Stat replies, bouncing a ball against the wall of her cell. "I don't do government shit and also that patch of mold in the corner of my cell is finally starting to grow back properly after the warden bleached it a few months back and I wanna see if it can eat through the concrete before my sentence is up."

"I'll... give you some time to think," G-Man Supreme says, after a pause. "See you tomorrow?"

"Whatever," Stat says, not looking. "Not like I'm going anywhere." She glances over at Agent Do-Gooder. "Hey, if you're gonna come back, can you at least bring me a Mountain Dew or something?"

"Sure." It's not the answer she's expecting, and it's almost enough to break her solid layer of disinterest. "Any particular kind? I hear the Baja Blast flavor is pretty good."

Stat snorts. "Whichever one looks the most radioactive," she says. "Or whichever one is cheapest. It doesn't really matter."

"Roger that," he says with a mini salute. "Have a good night, Stat."

"Yeah, whatever," she says, bouncing the ball with extra force and planning to sleep in extra late out of spite. After all, she knows full well that Agent Kiss-Ass won't be back.

--

"Stat, you have a visitor." The girl in question falls off of her bunk with a startled yelp as the warden bangs on the bars of her cell.

"Mnghffu?" she mumbles, which roughly translates to "what the fuck?", from her position face-down on the floor.

"Hi," Dorito-Shaped GI Joe says, entirely too chipper for whatever fucking hour of the morning it is. He holds up a bright green bottle, looking rather proud of himself. "I brought you Mountain Dew."

Stat swipes out to grab the bottle, unscrews the cap, and takes a swig, moaning with pleasure as the buzz of radioactive caffeine smacks her square in the face.

"I'll leave you two alone," the warden says, disturbed. "Let me know when you wanna be let out."

"So," Tall, Blonde, and Official says after the warden leaves and Stat finishes chugging the bottle of Mountain Dew, "have you considered my offer?"

"You mean the one where I sell my soul to the government and also you in exchange for freedom and an unlimited supply of Mountain Dew?" Stat asks.

"That- well, not-"

"Because the mold kinda died off when it got frozen last night so there's not exactly anything... keeping me here, at this point, so..." Stat shrugs. "Sure, why not?"

"Yes!" the human yellow lab of an agent standing outside her cell cheers. "I'll get the papers drawn up and we can head back to HQ. Deb and Twink have been dying to meet you."

"Yay, humans..." Stat grumbles as the cell door slides open. She's led through the prison corridors, out to where they're holding her shit, through a changing room where she pulls back on the jeans and hoodie she was arrested in, into a room where she spends what feels like seven hours signing papers, and finally out to the front door, where a nondescript Subaru and Super Secret Spy Man are waiting for her.

"You ready to go?" he asks, opening the door for her to slide into the passenger seat.

"Sure," she says with a shrug as she sits down, setting her small laptop bag at her feet and trying to convince herself that she's not going to regret this decision.

("By the way," Steve says once they're already in the car and Stat can't back out, "there's no unlimited supply of Mountain Dew."

Stat slumps forward onto the dashboard with a groan and pulls her hood over her head.)

[marloart]

So my players and I have had this running joke since 2019 that the campaign world has a restaurant chain called “Fantasy Taco Bell” with similar energy as Fantasy Costco from TAZ. Basically a place to let loose in between battles and such. Recently the franchise introduced a new mascot character and we all love him and so I just had to make art of him.

His name is Axel the Axolotl. Rumor has it that could be the secret ingredient in the double decker fish tacos.

Also a while back I went nuts and made a whole menu for the place so I thought I might as well share that too.

Descriptions of each menu item under the cut!

Potion of Baja Blast - “Crisp and citrus flavored, this potion packs a punch and gives off the sensation of drinking a tropical hurricane. That or feeling awesome enough of a super human to successfully consume a real storm. Improves a skill of your choice by +1, once per scene. Warning: May cause you to involuntarily black-flip from all the adrenaline it produces or might compel you to high-five everyone in your general vicinity.”

(cost: 100 cp | properties: gay sprite™, super sweet, digestible, somehow works like an adhd medication)

Potion of Mango Fiesta - “When consumed will allow the player to enchant enemies into believing they are at a party and will distract them into performing a conga line.”

(cost: 65 cp | properties: “There ain’t no party like a mango party”, super sweet, ingestible, fun, charming effect)

Fire! Hot Sauce Packet - “A Sauce so hot your eyes just water thinking about it. Ingesting this allows you the ability to cast Fire Breath: As a standard action, you can breathe flame once per round for the duration of the spell. You make a ranged touch attack with the flame (to a maximum range of 15 feet), dealing fire damage on a successful roll (casting ability +1). Fire breath ignites combustibles and damages objects in the area, and it can melt metals with low melting points (such as lead, gold, copper, silver, and bronze). The spell does not function underwater. One use per packet. ”

(cost: 50 cp | properties: spicy, so hot your mouth literally produces fire, ingestible)

Diablo Hot Sauce Packet - “If you ever wondered what level of spice a demonic entity would find a little too painful, then this is the sauce for you! Ingesting this allows you the ability to cast Fire and Brimstone: With a shout, you cause your foes to erupt in afoul, acrid-smelling burst of yellow fire. The subject ignites in a burst of sulfuric fire that deals 1d6 points of damage and causes the subject to be sickened for 5 rounds. One use per packet.”

(cost: 150 cp | properties: spicy, sulfuric, digestible, hellfire, an infernal food favorite!)

Simple Cheese Quesadilla - “A mild and simple toasted tortilla stuffed with rich and gooey cheese and jalapeño sauce. It’s instantly comforting. Grants a temporary Physical Stress box after consumption and lasts until your character has been hit.”

(cost: 25 cp | properties: digestible, restorative, comfort food, basic but in the best way)

Volcano Taco w/ Lava Sauce - “A hard red corn tortilla shell filled to the brim with spicy ingredients. Biting into this snack releases an eruption of molten goodness that you'll never go back to a regular taco again. Ingesting this allows you the ability to cast Molten Strike: You launch a ball of molten rock that detonates, showering nearby creatures with red-hot stone and flames. The explosion deals 2d6 points of fire damage to every creature within the area.

(cost: 250 cp | properties: ingestible, Evocation spell, Radial burst AoE, Magma making, caliente)

Mystery Fish Double-Decker Taco Supreme - “If hubris could be condensed into a single food item on this menu - this would be the fall of man. Not only is it one overstuffed taco filled with a mysterious fish that you think is tilapia (but can not be legally called that for reasons - but really you’re not even 100% sure if it’s even really an aquatic life form) - you get another taco surrounding the first bursting with a layer of refried beans sandwiched between. It takes the truly brave of heart to look at this menu item and declare that you will eat it. If you are successful in finishing this challenging meal you are granted the ability to cast Grease: Slick grease covers the ground in a 10-foot radius centered on a point within range and turns it into difficult terrain for the duration. When the grease appears, each creature standing in its area must succeed on an Athletics saving throw or fall prone.

(cost: 35 cp | properties: debatable categorization as an digestible, you might regret ordering this, As Seen on TV: Dungeons & Diners & Dragons & Drive-Ins & Dives, it is a mystery)

Chalupa - "If frying food is like hiring a famous wizard to put a spell on it, then the Chalupa is the ultimate hex. A hex you totally want that is. This is what you get with the Chalupa: beautiful witchcraft. Luckily for anyone who orders this menu item it doubles as a snack and weapon! If you have any leftover cheese sauce you will be able to use the Boiling Cheese Attack: A torrent of boiling cheese rains down in an area you specify. On a successful role with your casting ability, creatures in the area take scalding (fire) damage from the delicious molten cheese. Creatures that fail their initial saving throw take an additional -1 stress of physical damage in each subsequent round of the spell's duration (up to a maximum of 6 rounds - roll 1d6 to determine how many rounds it lasts). The cheese created by this spell is not itself flammable."

(cost: 30 cp | properties: digestible, delicioso, conjuration spell, scalding, worth every copper piece)

Dorito®️ Locos Taco - “Possibly one of the most iconic inventions in the history of the taco. You would be loco to think otherwise. A crunchy chip flavored taco shell really sells this dish as one of a kind. Ingesting this allows you the ability to cast Word of Chaos: Any non-chaotic creature within the area who hears the word of chaos suffers the following ill effects (which are cumulative and concurrent); Deafened: The creature is deafened for 1d4 rounds, Stunned: The creature is stunned for 1 round, Confused: The creature is confused, as by the confusion spell, for 1d10 minutes. This is a mind-affecting enchantment effect and no saving throw is allowed against these effects. The creature must be within hearing distance for the effect to take hold."

(cost: 500 cp | properties: digestible, chip flavored, chaotic, iconic, mind altering, you absolute mad man)

Nacho Fries - “Our delicious fries are seasoned with bold, Mexican spices and served with a side of warm nacho cheese sauce. In Queso you didn’t know this Fantasy Taco Bell menu item is simply the best. In fact it’s so good you won’t want to share them at all and you’ll definitely tell anyone who dares to snag a fry that that its nacho cheese. Our these puns too cheesey for you? Well you’ll certainly love this tasty snack that you’ll probably want to sing it’s praises just as much. By ingesting this item you will be gifted (cursed?) with making pun related jokes that will completely distract the enemy. Don’t worry they don’t have to be dairy based- but it will make a gouda impression. Enemies and non allies with be affected with uncontrollable laughter even if they don’t like your jokes.”

(cost: 10 cp | properties: digestible, cheesy goodness, charming effect, punny, side splitting laughter will ensue)

Choco - Taco - “A Sweet desert treat! A sugary waffle cone taco filled with cold horchata ice cream and dipped in Mexican hot chocolate sauce and topped with nuts. The wrapper has a cheeky Chocobo mascot on it. Eating it instantly boosts your mood. Grants a temporary Mental Stress box after consumption and lasts until your character has been attacked psychically.”

(cost: 15 cp | properties: digestible, super sweet, mood enhancer, mildly addictive)

Caramel Apple Empanadas - “Just a simple, innocent, delicious caramel apple pastry. Or is it? Just kidding. That’s all it is. Simple and innocent but equally delicious. It’s a traditional classic. Gives advantage on Deceive and Rapport rolls.”

(cost: 50 cp | properties: digestible, easy to eat on the go, As Sweet as Apple Pie, tricky & tasty)

[sin-tentional]

𝐦𝐞𝐠𝐚𝐧 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐚𝐥𝐞𝐬 & @dvstybvnny​ // SUMMER 2009

the brand spanking new 2009 olive green Jeep Commander ( a vehicle Megan would have for the next thirteen years, or so–– despite how fucking musty it’d grow ) is parked in the visitor area of the hospital parking lot. not too long ago was she picked up by that same Jeep by her own brother. it was a get well soon gift sent by a mother who’d not only refused to visit Megan in the hospital when her arm was ripped away from her, but didn’t even call. though, Megan was informed that her mother’s “SEND THOUGHTS & PRAYERS” post had reached well over 1000 likes on Facebeook, she’d take the Jeep as a condolence prize. mother’s were shit. 

it’s summer– therefore her signature jacket of choice ( which serves not only as a security blanket but as a cover to burry the singular bare limb of hers ) is technically not ideal. she instead wears a blue jean vest– what once was a jacket, with it’s sleeves ripped off. she walks one foot after another, a light stroll combatting the desperation she feels. 

she knows what it’s like to be confined to a hospital bed. she knows what it’s like to lose control of a vehicle. and she knows what it’s like to fight for one’s life, but even so, she knows her experience is completely different from her friend, Dustin’s. correspondence with Sera gave her the information– soon to text Dusty’s phone, of which she wasn’t even sure he was doing the texting. there was a sigh of relief to know the small family was handling things well, that Jungwoon was safe, that Dustin was fucking alive.. there is a pain in her chest, wondering if she as a friend had done enough. 

she comes bearing burritos, a hidden bottle under her vest, and a sad face– and though she knows seeing other’s wrecked in front of your own bruised body is only more dehumanizing she sets the Taco Bell bag down and speaks her first sentence. “Food here sucks doesn’t it?” she dropped the ball with the baja blast but she hopes she makes up for it with her shitty tucked away bottle of alcohol. shaking her head, she can’t help the dead pan, “I swear to all fuck Ducky, and I don’t care if you protest,” there is a shake in her voice– barely visible. she wonders if he can hear it– her snark tone is meant to cover it up, “I’m driving for the rest of our friendship. I even got the new Jeep, so you can’t fucking say no.”

she then pulls out the bottle of peach schnapps, she managed to sneak past security, twists the lid open and offers it to him. “Or are they monitoring your blood?”

[tsuzuruchipalace]

the other day i came up with, what i think is, a funny and great idea for an a3! american community college au fic, but i don’t think i have the mental strength to see it through. the last long fic i cared about was started in 2015 and i haven’t touched it since january 2018.

idk i may just write little ideas and scenes and keep them in a compilation, but i’d really like to flesh out the au more. but honestly, this is basically me vicariously living the toxic lifestyle i’ll never have through this au.

The working title is “vlog2/26” and I plan to make it a tsuzuru-centric tsuzuita fic

for reference, this story takes place during the school year of 2018-2019 in a fake little town I called Byles Ridge, Pennsylvania. I based it heavily off the city I live in. It’s a shitty northeastern suburb near Philly with a community college five minutes away from my house. In this au, most of Mankai  are Asian-Americans attending or working at Byles Ridge Community College. In my characterization, they all act like typical American gen z kids or millennials, if not slightly exaggerated. My main inspiration was the fic, now book, 006. I also drew inspiration from Community and my real life

here are some of my favorite lines from my outlining:

(fair warning: there is definitely not pg humor in this. if this is going on ao3, it’ll most likely be rated m)

Excerpt from the synopsis: Tsuzuru is like any other emotionally repressed American teenage boy in the 21st century; his hobbies include being single, jerking off, and pretending not to cry when he watches Toy Story 3.

Tsuzuru: “God is Dorothy from Finding Nemo and I’m that little goldfish she shook to death.”

Tsuzuru: “I’m atheist, but everyday I thank god that I wasn’t born British, ‘cause I don’t know how I would’ve handled having to pretend that Mr. Brightside is a good song.”

Tsuzuru: Being friends with Masumi sucks because it means that he’ll refuse to give anyone the aux. I’ll admit, Masumi can have good music taste. He introduced me to a lot of new artists on his “going to Taco Bell” playlist, but when he’s in a pissy mood, he’ll exclusively play XXXTentacion and now I know all the lyrics to Sad! and that’s not the person I want to be.

Masumi: “Sakuya, what the fuck is The Prince of Denmark. I talked up Miss Tachibana about Romeo and Juliet and said I was a big Shakespeare fan, then she started reciting old English.”

Sakuya: “Tsuzuru, are you okay? You look like you’re having another Michael in the Bathroom moment.”

Excerpt from Chikage’s profile: Does Zumba and weed on the weekends.

the entirety of tenma’s profile i’m so proud of this one

Tenma: is a popular football player who is still living off the high of being the Gerber Baby of Lucky Charms in 2003. He’s a first-year theatre major like Sakuya. Thinks he’s Troy from High School Musical. He uses Axe body spray and TikTok thirst traps to hide his increasingly apparent homosexuality and his middle school obsession with One Direction... There are two wolves inside you. One wolf is homophobic. One wolf finds Zayn Malik hot. You are Tenma Sumeragi.

Tenma: “It’s not gay to watch High School Musical bro. HSM is a cultural phenomenon and belongs in the Library of Congress. If you don’t like it, you’re a traitor to America.”

Yuki: “I have more balls than either of you and I’m wearing a Hello Kitty bath towel right now.”

Misumi: “Of course I do weed. I’m autistic, not a loser.”

Excerpt from Kazu’s profile: Has 100k followers on Tiktok for shaking his ass and being a local nuisance. Cried when Vine shut down.

Kazu: “How many times do I need to dance to Doja Cat before I get my clout?”

Excerpt from Taichi’s profile: Considered opening a cat femboy OnlyFans back when he didn’t have enough money to pay for his growing Bakugan collection. Kissed a boy once for a dare and didn’t like it, but still vibes to Katy Perry’s I Kissed a Girl cuz that shit slaps.

Banri: *after listening to Troye Sivan for the first time* “I hope this doesn’t awaken anything in me.”

Taichi: “Everyone rise for the national anthem: Sk8ter Boi by Avril Lavigne.”

Azami: “I’m gonna go listen to Pierce the Veil and cry until Gerard Way comes back.”

Tsumugi: “At this rate, I’m going to have to find a man on Christian Mingle.”

Excerpt from Tasuku’s profile: Has repressed the idea that he’s in love with Tsumugi ever since they kissed in Christian summer camp when they were 12. Doesn’t remember that, due to the repression. But Tsumugi does.

Excerpt from Homare’s profile: He either dresses like it’s 1940 or like he’s the hero from the children’s show Lazytown. Will start crying if someone brings up the Library of Alexandria

Azuma: “Do I sleep with strangers? Yes. Do I take money from strangers? Yes. Am I a prostitute? No, because those are two separate occasions.”

Guy: “Can you inform me what a Juul is?”

“That’s a fucking Baja Blast in his hand.” “What the shit.” “Itaru Chigasaki orders fucking Baja Blast from Taco Bell. Unbelievable.” “Who doesn’t. Baja Blast fucks.” “I’m snapping this.” “You’ll put that camera down right now before I snap your neck.” “The public deserves to know.” “A man has a right to privacy, especially when it comes to his eating habits.”

And if you’re interested in this au, here’s my playlist for it, subject to change (feel free to suggest songs). Some songs are what I imagine the main characters would listen to and some just fit the vibe of the au:

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLIjsgyx8Ea22wwH4eO-QlywAiIVWZNcCx

[asthevermincrawls]

IM GONNA BAJA BLAST YOUR BALLS OFF

[captainkippen]

SEND ME FIC PROMPTS

Cyrus and TJ's relationship can be described as ‘almost-something-not-quite-there-yet” and has been at that stage for a rather frustrating six months. He's not sure why it's taking them so long to do about it, but Cyrus is certain that TJ must have also acknowledged the tension between them because there have been a few near misses so far where he's thought 'this is iT, he's going to tell me how it feels’ only for TJ to break off what he was saying and turn it into some unrelated ramble. Thanks to this, it's becoming more and more common for him to feel like he's about to tear his hair out when the two of them spend time together. He doesn't want to push TJ to do or say anything he's not ready to do or say, but Cyrus figures it's time to take matters into his own hands or they might actually be stuck at this glacial pace of romance for the next fifty years. He doesn't think he can take fifty years of longing looks and heartfelt texts that lead to nothing. He'll go insane.

The opportunity to make a move arises when Bex and Bowie finally settle on the date of their wedding. At first there's a little hesitation, the engagement has been called off and called back on more than once now and they're all starting to wonder if they'll actually ever do it, but when it's only about a month away Cyrus figures they're finally safe from any drama and starts concocting a plan.

“I need to book dance lessons,” he says offhandedly when they're all lazing around Buffy's house one day. He's sprawled dramatically across one of the couches with his feet up on TJ's lap and a bowl of popcorn on his chest. It's a movie day but the horror flick they're watching is so terrible that nobody's been paying attention for the last forty five minutes. “For the wedding. There's going to be waltzing, right? I don't know how to waltz. Andi, do you know where Bowie's getting his?”

Andi eyes him suspiciously. She's well aware that Cyrus knows how to waltz. He had taught her to waltz when they were twelve. His mom had made him have lessons as a kid. Cyrus is fantastic at waltzing, even if he does say so himself. However, TJ doesn't know that. He gives her a look that says 'play along I'm begging you've and she sighs.

“At the dance studio on second street, I think,” she says. He's so blessed to have such good friends. “Bex knows one of the girls that runs it so she's giving him a discount.”

“You don't know how to waltz?” TJ asks curiously, perfectly on cue. “Don't you do dance for your P.E classes?”

Cyrus shrugs. “It's not ballroom.”

The thing is, he's concocted the perfect plan. TJ doesn't know Cyrus knows how to waltz, but Cyrus knows that TJ does. TJ had surprised them all with this knowledge a few weeks ago at a school dance. Jonah wanted to impress a girl he liked, TJ offered to show him how to dance and everyone got their happily ever after. Except Cyrus. TJ had not waltzed with Cyrus. He's still a little bitter about it.

“I could teach you,” he offers. “Save you the money.”

“Really?” Cyrus says, grinning. “Awesome. Yeah, that would be great thanks.”

Cyrus mentally marks phase one of mission ‘get TJ to admit his feelings’ a success.

*

TJ comes over on Saturday. Cyrus’ mom and stepdad have gone out to some barbeque with friends and won't be back until later so he's taking advantage of an empty house as much as he can. He makes sure to run to the store in the morning to grab some of TJ's favourite chips and soda (Baja blast Mountain Dew because what else do you expect from a teenage boy), and does a rush job at tidying up even though TJ has definitely seen the house in a much worse state than it is. He's been over during family events - he knows how wild they get. There's an odd nervous sensation thrumming in Cyrus’ veins. He has no reason to be on edge. It's just TJ. He tells himself this over and over, trying to calm down, but still jumps when he heard the front door opening and TJ yelling a greeting through the house. He's been letting himself in since they were fourteen now. It's a standard.

“I'm down here,” he yells back. They're going to be practicing in the basement so he's moved the ping-pong table out the way and set up the stereo so it's ready to go. TJ's socked feet thud down the stairs and he beams at him when he comes into view. He pulls Cyrus into a sideways hug and quickly releases him, making a beeline for the Mountain Dew. Cyrus rolls his eyes - typical.

“So how do you wanna do this?”

Cyrus shrugs. “You're the teacher.”

“You got music?”

He hands him to remote to the stereo. TJ fiddled with it for a moment before switching it on to a rhythmic rock beat with a grin. He puts it down, shrugs off his hoodie and walks towards Cyrus.

“You ready?” He pulls Cyrus towards him, positioning them both carefully.

“We're really just jumping into it, then?”

“Of course. I'm gonna lead and I'm gonna explain the steps as we go, okay? Try not to step on my feet.”

Cyrus does step on his feet, several times, quite deliberately. Each time it sets them both off in a bout of giggling and they have to pause for a moment. The afternoon continues in much the same vein, Cyrus pretending to be terrible and making TJ laugh and feeling like his whole world is complete everytime he catches TJ smiling softly at him. His heart thumps when their faces get close together and he hopes and prays that his palms aren't too sweaty where they're clasped in TJ's. It feels right, the two of them together like this.

There's a moment, when they're coming to the end of a song and slowing down where Cyrus thinks this might be it. TJ might say something. They're looking into one another's eyes, the world around them faded slightly, and he's holding his breath waiting for him to say anything. Then TJ coughs, ducks his head and pulls away, announcing they should take a break and get some lunch, and Cyrus kind of wants to scream in frustration. This plan is going to take longer than he expected.

*

As it turns out, the plans takes much longer than he expected. TJ gives him three more dance lessons before the wedding and nothing comes of them. It's the most irritated Cyrus has ever been with him, which he realises isn't technically fair because TJ isn't a mind reader and can't possibly know Cyrus is losing his grip on reality as a result of all these pent up emotions between them, but he can't help it.

The evening of the wedding is a beautiful one. It's being held in a large white tent in the park which is lit up with beautiful handmade lamps dotted around artfully, illuminating the flowers and chairs that have been set up for the ceremony. In the dark outside, fireflies flicker in and out of existence. The stars above them are almost unusually bright. It seems like there's a certain amount of magic in the air.

Cyrus may or may not cry during the vows. He and TJ sit together, knees pressed up against one another like always, the edges of their hands touching ever so gently stop them. He thinks he might have heard a sniffle or two from TJ as well, but he doesn't comment. TJ is sensitive about those kinds of things. Bex and Bowie are so obviously in love, they both nearly sob during their vows, and for a moment Cyrus envies them with everything he has. He wants that one day. To love somebody so much it consumes him, but it makes him happier and a better person in the process. He thinks about the boy sat next to him and how it feels like he's pretty close to that already.

In typical Mack fashion, they throw a stellar party for the reception. There's a live swing band and a lot of loud laughter. Champagne flows freely and a disco ball that he suspects was Andi's idea glitters above the makeshift dance floor. Cyrus watches in amusement as the guests get drinker, the dancing gets worse and the jokes get dirtier. Everyone's having such a good time. When the first waltz comes on, he catches TJ's eyes across the room.

It seems like time stops as he walks towards him. TJ meets him in the middle with a wide smile and pulls them both on to the dance floor, taking Cyrus’ hand and placing his own on his waist. Cyrus forgets all about pretending to be terrible but TJ doesn't seem surprised in the slightest.

“I knew you were faking,” he laughs.

“I don't know what you're talking about,” Cyrus says, but he can't hold back his own smile. “... How'd you figure it out?”

He rolls his eyes. “I know you better than anyone, Cy. You're my best friend. You think I don't know you can dance? Your mom's shown me the pictures of your ballroom classes before. I'm not totally stupid.”

Cyrus prevents himself from saying 'that's debatable’ but it's a close call. TJ seems to read his mind and laughs anyway.

“I don't get why you needed to pretend, though,” he says. “You don't need to come up with excuses to hang out with me. You could tell me we're going to go sit in a field in silence for four hours and I'd still come because you'd be there.”

Cyrus sighs. “I know… it's just. I don't know. It's stupid, never mind.”

“No, what is it? Tell me.”

“I think…” he takes a deep breath. “You say you're my best friend, and that's true, but I also think you're more than that. And you have been for a really long time.”

TJ just keeps looking at him, saying nothing. Cyrus continues.

“Maybe it's just me that feels that way… but I don't think it is. I was hoping maybe if we got some one on one time doing something romantic maybe… maybe you'd say something?”.

“You pretended you couldn't dance because you wanted me to admit I have feelings for you?”

“Yes.”

“Well, obviously I do. Even Jonah knows that. Why didn't you just ask?”

Cyrus gapes at him. He can't believe it was that easy. TJ hadn't even hesitated to admit it. “... I didn't think of that.”

“You know, for the smartest guy I've ever met, you're kind of dumb,” TJ says with a fond look. “You could've told me how you felt too.”

“Oh… hush,” Cyrus says. “Stop smirking it's not funny.”

“It's pretty funny,” TJ grins. Cyrus pushes himself up on to his tiptoes to reach him, and just to wipe the amused smile from his face he presses a gentle kiss to his lips.

TJ makes him want to tear his hair out sometimes, but it's in the best way possible.