#badTHOUGHTenthusiast

[badartenthusiast]

i dont understand active mode in chrono trigger, it honestly feels stupid to play a game that involves strategy and choice at high speed. its not even making it harder, its like taking the game and increasing chance of making stupid mistakes by 30%.

like something bothers me about the fact that the only thing that determines whether i get an extra hit by an enemy is my processing speed. id rather the challenge be in the strategy not how fast i come up with the strategy and click the button

[badartenthusiast]

lucky and unlucky are literally the same thing just based on the subjective notion of good and bad. im realizing how obvious that is why is that so surprising to me

[badartenthusiast]

i started reading house of leaves. i read the note that it begins with, then i took a break. when i picked it back up, i read that note again, mainly just the second half. then took a break.

its touching on something that i feel like ive been trying to reach my whole life. this feels important and i feel like i need to comprehend it before i continue the book.

idk

[badartenthusiast]

the big project

i desire a big project to constantly be working on, tweaking, dedicating my everything to. so much creative energy and nowhere to put it. blark. brain is foam.

[badartenthusiast]

i sometimes get sudden bursts of creative energy that will lead me to making a lot of things, or big things. and sometimes i will just do a big art project for someone like a detailed drawing out of nowhere. but then people start to expect it, and im starting to realize that its not just that my creative energy fluctuates, its that when people expect creativity out of me it is just completely killed

[badartenthusiast]

i feel like the episode about assertiveness with fluttershy was so close to being a good lesson but it just sorta, falls flat. like they never get to the core of the distinction between being a jerk and being assertive.

sure they show that there is a distinction, but theres no analysis. and in the letter its just sorta like "dont be unpleasant or mean" but like how do you even define that. because to stand up for yourself sometimes requires being unpleasant and mean.

i think the true secret requires measuring your priorities, and finding the line between selfless and self destructive.

...also the examples pinkiepie and rarity showed of assertiveness were AWFUL. they were like, manipulation. thats not standing up for yourself.

[badartenthusiast]

i feel like the only relationship/community i can imagine myself maintaining and feeling fulfilled by would be one around working on a project. few times a week meet up to discuss the project, work together, overcome obstacles, help one another. it doesnt even need to be soley superficial, we can aid eachother emotionally on personal matters. but its a set time to meet, and theres always a specific subject we are focusing our interaction on.

[badartenthusiast]

i want to think about something, but i dont know what

i want to dive into a concept and come out bearing words i can throw onto a page. i want to explore the universe and have written account. how do i do this with a mind so shallow and empty

[badartenthusiast]

i just watched one of those old archived "interview with a schizophrenic patient" videos where it was for 'Disorganized Schizophrenia' and omg im so pissed. i just need to get this out like oh my god the psychologist had the most obnoxious attitude and it was so subtle, like with every question she was like challenging them. like treating them like they are failing or dissapointing her. i dont know how else to put it. and even if what im saying is vague and subjective, i know for sure that at minimum your response to a person speaking nonsense shouldnt be to SHAKE YOUR HEAD, like wtf???? what are you trying to convey by dissappointedly shaking your head with every response, like are you trying to guilt them? are they just children who are misbehaving to you??? FUCK YOU it feels like shes flaunting her "groundedness" i swear

and dont get me started on the comments on this video

"the interviewer is so brave!" HOLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

"this is Fake AF. thats right, i said it" ok this one is kind of funny

i mean tbh i dont know whether its fake or not but i highly doubt it is. i dont know why you would bother to fake this. i feel like most people's reactions to mental illness is that its being faked, whether for attention or like a bit, which is so odd to me. like ok this is a tangent but what is up with that?? why do we always assume someone is faking for attention. because its not just neurotypicals, theres also this imposter syndromey thing going on where you yourself feel like youre faking for attention when you clearly have no control over whats happening to you, in both psychotic and just general mental illnesses.

i feel like when we lose control of ourselves it breaks the narrative that we have control over ourselves/free will/identity. or, maybe more accurately, challenges it. sometimes its hard to tell what we have control over and what we dont, the line between a persons actions and a person's body is difficult to draw when it comes to mental illness.

i think everyone should approach people with good faith, and take what they say seriously. whats worse; being fooled by a faker or alienating a genuinely struggling person?

[badartenthusiast]

one aspect of film as a medium that is not present in literature is being able to have multiple things happen at once, withhout the viewer being able to fully comprehend it.

on one hand, thats just bad practice and filmmakers always anyways try to make the focus clear. but its still a fact that in a book you cant have several things happen at once, the viewer is consuming it one word at a time at their own pace.

[badartenthusiast]

i cant grasp basic complex concepts.

if a person laughs, theyre happy. its hard to comprehend a person can laugh and be sad, despite the fact i do it all the time. i see someone interacting and sharing memes on discord, and for a moment ill try to grasp the concept that one can feel anything but joy and comfort while doing such things. its possible to respond to people in positive ways and not feel positive. why cant i comprehend that? why is that a revalation every time i think about it.

its the same with social concepts. like realizing wow, people can tell my intentions and emotions more than i realized! then, when an intention or emotion completely goes over someones head, im like wtf people have no clue whats going on in my brain. its like every day im relearning the same concept just in a new direction like a swinging pendulum.

i also, possibly subsequently, switch perspectives a lot. one second life is this incredibly beautiful thing and oh my god its so full and rich death is so terrifying oh my and then the next second everything is meaningless, death is an accepted and even comfortable concept.

i remember noticing this pattern in myself a long time ago, despite it being kind of abstract. i have no reason to assume this is just me, but for some reason i could tell this was not normal. and now, i mean maybe it is, but i feel almost certain its a result of black and white thinking, and is what causes me to enter ocd-esque thought loops so easily, as well as isolate from people due to considering them or myself "bad".

[badartenthusiast]

that moment when you stretch so hard you disappear for half a second

[badartenthusiast]

the whole imposter syndromey thought process is always present anytime im experiencing any kind of unusual mental experience, whether that be overstimulation or depression or recently dissociation.

i think its dissociation, idk what else it is. but i know at minimum theres something wrong. i wouldnt just fake an experience, because the idea to fake the experience has to come from somewhere.

ive honestly just come to the conclusion that anytime i doubt my own experiences, the thing i am doubting is correct. why would i lie to myself about feeling weird, i wasnt doing that before, why would i suddenly decide to do that now. clearly something shiftef for me to enter this mental battle.

so even though my experience doesny directly line up with what ive read, its something. i dont feel disconnected from my body. but things just feel... weird. bigger and smaller at the same time. its toyish and gargantuant. my thumbs look weird, they quickly lose their meaning.

these feelings remind me of a few things. one is being high, things feel huge. another is the opposite of deja vu, i forgot what its called, but its essentially the exact opposite. instead of the unfamiliar feeling familiar, the familiar feels unfamiliar.

ive written about the connection between deja vu and schizophrenia, there definitely is some connection as ive heard people describe their prodromal stage as an increase in deja vu and im pretty sure during my disorder hyperfixation i read about a statistic connecting deja vu to schizophrenia.

i have no conclusion to this post, i know it seems im implying im developing schizophrenia. and i mean i am implying that. but i dont want to say it. because im probably wrong. im probably just being anxious and weird.

ive had periods i can literaly only describe as like, a schizophrenia delusion. not as in a delusion you might have in schizophrenia, but LITERALY a delusion that i have schizophrenia. its like reverse schizophrenia, where instead of being completely utterly convinced i dont have schizophrenia when i do, im completley utterly convinced i do have schizophrenia when i dont.

sometimes it would get bad that id literally be fearing i was hearing things. like literally going insane over the prospect of going insane. its genuinely so ridiculous. i would stay up unable to go to sleep because i was THINKING that i was going to have a hallucination, not because i was having hallucinations. literally idk what i else to call that but clown disorder.

so im aware ive entered thought patterns like that before, and i dont want to entertain them and say im becoming schizophrenic. because i often linger on that.

i also know, deep inside of me is the ridiculous desire to go insane. i dont want psychosis, i really dont. i love my life as it is, psychosis is a terrifying and traumatizing experience and i wont invalidate the horror of it by saying i want it. but sometimes when im really feeling insane i want to hear voices, i want to see a man standing there, because then idk it feels less lonely. idk. like in that moment when im feeling disconnected from things (usually when im overstimulated or something) and nothing feels real, the prospect of something unreal feels real. it feels comfortable and safe, like home.

i dont like any of these thought processes, ive always been ashamed of them and pushed them down bcs theyre immature and destructive.

but theyre apart of me, so i will write about it

and thats why i exist hi i am mr post you just read nice to meet you :wave: :slight_smile: time to go back to living a happy well adjusted life and complain about nothing bcs im a whiny littleOK LETS END IT THERE SELF LOVE HUGS ALL AROUND AYYYY BRING IT HEREEEEE

[badartenthusiast]

yt titles these days be like: "I [past tense verb] {noun}" or "{noun} but [posessive pronoun] {adjective/noun}"

[badartenthusiast]

existing is too much pressure i have so much power to do things and alter things and make things i have so much power its too much

[badartenthusiast]

im ngl after discovering the end of time hub place this game is starting to feel very reminiscent of puttputt travels through time

specifically writing this after exploring the prehistoric caveman area and not being able to go any further, gave me puttputt flashbacks to getting stuck in the old west area bcs i was missing some random item from future land