#backstory time with kierstin

[blackringmiddlefinger]

not to pull a post out of years of obscurity on my blog, but i found the book! it's taken me the better part of a year but i can confidently say the book is Populazzi by Elise Allen

it is as cw early aughts teen drama as you can get. old fashioned ya, you know? anyway, i haven't re-read the whole thing yet. (in all honesty, i'm not sure if i will. maybe its better for this story to remain in my memory as a touchpoint and not become something i know the details about as an adult)

when i made this post to begin with, i never thought i would find the book that has stuck in my memory as such a landmark even fifteen years after the fact. if i ever read it, the review will be here. and even if i never read it, it's nice to have something concrete to point to when i think about the things in my life that made undeniable change

i was a big reader as a kid and i would read anything and everything i could get my grubby little hands on. naturally, i outgrew the chapter books section of the library and my mom let me wander into young adult years before i should have.

i don’t remember the name of this book or hardly anything about the plot. i must have read it when i was about nine or ten. but the protagonist was the new girl in town and she quickly gets absorbed by the “popular girls” or something like that. anyway, she ends up dating one of the guy friends and valentine’s day rolls around her new girl friends help her buy lingerie and get excited for her because this means she’ll finally lose her virginity!

now you have to remember that i was small and catholic so this thought was horrifying in and of itself. our protagonist was nervous too, so she and i braved through the chapter until she met her boyfriend in his bedroom. and then, surprise, he’s gay and he’s been using her as a beard. i’ll be honest, i don’t remember the specifics of what happened next. i was so wrapped up in my own relief for her, that she didn’t have to go through with this thing and, if she wanted to, she continue to have a boyfriend and be someone’s girlfriend.

of course, i promptly pushed that aside because i was 10 and there were more important things, like hunting for worms and making leaf soup, to worry about. i only remembered the book a few years ago when, after a tough breakup with a boyfriend i truly did love, the first thing i felt was that same, pure, knock-the-wind-out-of-you relief i felt for that protagonist a decade earlier. because even though he and i weren’t together, at least i wouldn’t have to have sex with him.

the moral of this story is - just because you don’t realize something about yourself doesn’t mean it was never a part of you. i didn’t know i was ace until i was graduating from high school, but i can think back on a million stories from my childhood and go “oh wait. that’s why we did that.” i know this is something a lot of people experience, but for those who don’t know it yet, it’s real and you have always been you

[blackringmiddlefinger]

i had to do a bunch of online psych research studies for my general psych class and almost every questionnaire asked about orientation and sexuality

there were always options but a lot of the more limited ones were gay, straight or bi and it’s frustrating because none of those fit me

representation matters y’all but also it’s important for accurate science

[blackringmiddlefinger]

an interesting side effect of quarantine is that any pressures from friends/family to find a boyfriend is almost completely lifted

aside from my mom telling me to do the pharmacy drive through runs because “the tech who works the register is about your age”

[blackringmiddlefinger]

my university is very religious and while sometimes i am grateful for the community, other times i am met with the heavy expectation of marriage and babies right after graduation (it’s even got a name - “ring by spring”)

and while someday i might get married and someday i might be a mother, i am in no rush to be in that part of my life

all this to say, i was with family this weekend and talking to my unmarried, childless aunts reminded me that there is more to life than marriage and babies. and that a fulfilling life can be whatever you define

[blackringmiddlefinger]

okay so

i came out to my boyfriend of about 9 months today when he asked why i wasn’t “ever in the mood” and he was totally respectful, just curious.

so i was honest and it super rocked his world. and we’re probably going to break up now but i really hope we can stay friends because i love him and value him a whole lot

anyway it reminded me how scary it is to come out to people - cause it’s been a hot minute since the last time i did it. but wow, what a weight off my shoulders to know he understands (as much as he can right now anyway)

[blackringmiddlefinger]

all the one direction boys are releasing shit and i’m frankly overwhelmed but loving it

like i’m gaining so many followers on my spotify playlist for their solo stuff (peep One Direction after One Direction)

[blackringmiddlefinger]

this is a reminder that self care is making yourself do the things you hate and taking your meds at the same time every night NOT just watching netflix because you’re stressed

(p.s. you’re stressed because you haven’t done anything and your meds won’t work properly)

[blackringmiddlefinger]

Hi! This happened to me in February actually. I had been dating my SO for almost a year when finally i came out to him because he wanted to know why he never felt i was as into things as he was (let me be clear: the loveliest most thoughtful boy, he thought he was doing something wrong and he didn’t want to do anything i wasn’t comfortable with)

but yeah, once we talked it over and he was clear on all the details we broke up. and it devastated me. but the way i see it is - that relationship was never going to work out in the long run because we wanted and needed different things from the relationship. i feel like there’s a lot of pressure to work things out and stay together through what’s hard, but honestly? i think it’s way more respectful to be able to say “i understand who you are and i know who i am and we cannot be the person each other needs”

so be heartbroken but know that now you’re open to finding someone who meets you where you are and needs the things you’re able to provide (and vice versa!)

i believe in you, this is just the next step towards where you were meant to be💜💜

❤ My long time boyfriend and I just split up, and when he cited his reasons for not trying to work things out, it was literally just that I'm asexual. He said he could get past us having sex infrequently but the fact that I'm literally not attracted to him is too much. I'm comfortable in my sexuality and don't need it to change, but it's hard to see going through this again just for my new SO to also say "hey I thought we could make this work but bc you're asexual I'm gonna have to tap out." 1/2

❤ I guess what I’m saying is, does anybody have any words of encouragement or any success stories they would like to share? Logically I know I’ll be fine but everything feels so bleak right now. Thank you 2/2

Followers, do you have any words of sympathy?

And also, you can check out our #dating and #pos tag for stories about partners who properly respect their ace loves!!

- Fae

[blackringmiddlefinger]

update on the local pharmacy tech romance: i went through the drive through with my mom yesterday and he filled our order!

i still do not know his name, age, actual job title or anything else about him but his hair looks soft, so that’s something???

an interesting side effect of quarantine is that any pressures from friends/family to find a boyfriend is almost completely lifted

aside from my mom telling me to do the pharmacy drive through runs because “the tech who works the register is about your age”

[blackringmiddlefinger]

yeah so update hours later:

i know that rationally, us breaking up would be for the better but my stomach is in knots i just can’t stand the idea. i really do love him but i can’t keep pretending anymore

the other thing is that i am not out to everyone i know. i need a way to tell them because according to many people “you two could get married” (fyi- never put that pressure on anyone it sucks)

i feel very isolated right now. i know my boyfriend only wants the best for the two of us but all of the options are scary and the ball is in his court

okay so

i came out to my boyfriend of about 9 months today when he asked why i wasn’t “ever in the mood” and he was totally respectful, just curious.

so i was honest and it super rocked his world. and we’re probably going to break up now but i really hope we can stay friends because i love him and value him a whole lot

anyway it reminded me how scary it is to come out to people - cause it’s been a hot minute since the last time i did it. but wow, what a weight off my shoulders to know he understands (as much as he can right now anyway)

[blackringmiddlefinger]

so it’s been a hot minute so here’s the update:

we broke up. and it broke my heart. i am however letting myself feel sad and accepting that it’s happening and knowing eventually it will be better and that doesn’t mean right now

anyway we went with this explanation “we talked about the future and realized we knew we would get married so if we broke up now we could save our friendship”

and on that note, yeah we’re gonna try and stay friends - i hope in works cause it hasn’t in my past

that’s really the whole story i just wanted to share in case it helps anyone feel less alone (plus posting is therapeutic lol) both of my “real” relationships have ended due to my being ace really. it’s not an easy pill to swallow and it doesn’t much help my self esteem but it makes it all the more important to remember being ace doesn’t mean you’re broken. and someday someone will want you and love you for who you are

okay so

i came out to my boyfriend of about 9 months today when he asked why i wasn’t “ever in the mood” and he was totally respectful, just curious.

so i was honest and it super rocked his world. and we’re probably going to break up now but i really hope we can stay friends because i love him and value him a whole lot

anyway it reminded me how scary it is to come out to people - cause it’s been a hot minute since the last time i did it. but wow, what a weight off my shoulders to know he understands (as much as he can right now anyway)