#back to regularly scheduled misery

[aquickstart]

got back from an amazing early christmas weekend with friends where we were in a cabin with no reception and we cooked and baked for at least 8 hours one day and had the best dinner of 13 dishes. i was banned from bringing up saltburn and if i did i'd have to take a shot for every time. we had to halve it on day 1 because in a span of 3 hours i brought it up 12 times sincerely trying to restrain myself. best weekend of this year

[folkdances]

had so much fun the past hour i forgot my life is basically over

[madforhoran]

I'm back to this regularly scheduled programming it seems...

Act 1 Astarion:

manipulates

not able to say what he wants

"that's what you want, to lose yourself in me?"

Act 3 ascendant Astarion:

manipulates

not able to say what he wants

"that's what you want, to be mine, forever" / "I'd never hurt you, I love you, that's what you wanted to hear?"

uses honeyed seductive (and belittling) greetings

turns Tav into his spawn out of fear of betrayal

Act 3 spawn Astarion:

"it's time to figure out who I am, what I want"

"what do you want?" -> "you, I want, you...you were by my side through all of this. through bloodlust and pain and misery. you were patient, you cared. you trusted me when that was an objectively stupid thing to do. I feel safe with you, seen."

greets Tav normally, without putting on the fake facade

[writtenonreceipts]

Rowaelin Month Day Twenty-Seven: Touch Starved @rowaelinscourt

Link to Month Masterlist

Guess who is back on her regularly scheduled angsty angst? It’s me. 

Warnings: mentions of a arent death. Hurt/comfort in the form of grief.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

All Your Ways, All Your Thunder

The changing seasons always had a way of leaving a brand of melancholy on Rowan’s soul.  He never knew exactly what it was or why it came, but when the days began to grow shorter and cooler…Rowan’s own mood would shift completely and he found himself drowning in the past.

No matter what he did or how he prepared--he never was ready for it to happen.

He didn’t know who he could talk to or how he could explain it.  He’d never been allowed to express these thoughts, his feelings when he was growing up.  His da had never been the emotional type and his mother always thought he was the perfect child who never struggled.  And as he’d grown up, trying to express himself and actually talk had never come easily.  

And today with that distinct chill crawling through the air and the fact that it was the two-year anniversary of his da passing—Rowan figured it was as good a day as any to wallow.  That’s what people did, wasn’t it?  They’d let themselves collapse beneath the weight of it all and dwell on how miserable things had become.  And then the feelings would pass and it would be alright.

So, Rowan returned to his apartment after a particularly long day at work and dropped onto his couch as he waited for the past to wash over him.

Only…it never came.

He could feel it burrowed beneath his chest, right next to his heart.  And slowly it leeched into his lungs.  But all it did was linger right on the cusp of his brain.

And all there was, was silence.

He wasn’t sure how long he lay there, sprawled out on the couch with one arm thrown over his head.  But it was long enough for the shadows of the living room to shift and the room to darken.  He knew he should get up and eat dinner.  Maybe he’d order take out so he wouldn’t have to think about anything or actually get up.

What he did know was that he had to do something to fix this mood.  It wouldn’t do well to wallow in his own misery.

Sighing, Rowan fumbled for his phone that had dropped on the floor.  He found there was already a missed message from Aelin that had him loosing a breath of relief.

>>Aelin: i hate fenrys

>>Aelin: he stole the chocolate i was saving for after my meeting with maeve this afternoon

>>Aelin: and ate it in front of me

>>Aelin: may end up murdering him

Rowan smiled at the messages, already feeling better at just seeing her name.  It was simple, and maybe a little stupid, but he could feel the wariness of the day sifting away.

Another message came in.

>>Aelin: what r you doing tonight?

He could lie and tell her he was busy.  Caught up in case notes or meetings.  Or say he was at the gym. Or--

<<Rowan: nothing 

<<Rowan: come over?

>>Aelin: be there in twenty.

…

In the five years of knowing Aelin Galathynius, four of those had been spent in animosity.  Between her arrogance, his pride, and the underlying mutual hatred that bloomed from nothing more than meeting at the wrong time—Rowan and Aelin could never manage to stand in the same room together, let alone have a civil conversation

Until one night with too much alcohol and just enough loosened inhibitions.  It wasn’t supposed to be anything more than that.  They’d said it wouldn’t happen again, that they’d both been lonely, the tequila was to blame.

And then it did.  

After six months of sneaking around, they’d almost gotten caught a few times.  And considering how stubborn they both were, they didn’t want to admit to their friends that they were dating.  If that was what you’d call this.  Rowan wasn’t seeing anyone else and he knew she wasn’t either.  They spent most weekends together and texted entirely too much.  But they’d never labeled what they were.  And it had never really bothered Rowan, hell his track record with relationships was a joke that labels were hardly worth it.

Eventually, Rowan forced himself off of the couch and managed to change into sweats and a t-shirt.  No use for Aelin seeing him in such a state.  He didn’t expect anything out of the night and knew that she didn’t either.  They’d eat and then end up watching Netflix or busting out the PlayStation.  Aelin was extremely competitive when it came to Mario Kart.

When Aelin arrived twenty-five minutes later, she let herself in using a key he had given her.  It had been a random thing he hadn’t thought about—she’d needed a place to stay while her apartment was getting renovations done and his place was closer to her work—and he’d just never asked for the key back.

“I brought pizza!” Aelin announced.  The heels she wore clicked soundly on the hardwood. “I know it’s not part of your meal plan, but it sounded good.”

Rowan, who found himself back on the couch, laughed humorlessly. “You got extra cheese, didn’t you?”

“Of course,” Aelin said. “And then I got that chicken and artichoke thing you like on thin crust.  Honestly, it’s not pizza at that point, buzzard.”

He watched as she set the pizza boxes on his kitchen table, kicking off her shoes so they were right in the middle of the floor.  Her tight, red pencil skirt hugged her curves perfectly, the black blouse hanging neatly and only emphasizing her golden skin.  Even on a random weekday, she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen.

“Maeve sent out assignments for that new project,” Aelin said as she grabbed plates and a roll of paper towels from the cupboard. “Stuck me with Kaltain and Graves.  So you know I’m going to get stuck with all the work.”

Rowan listened as she talked and bounced around the kitchen.  She was so at home being there, as if it were second nature to make sure the fridge shut properly or the one drawer didn’t catch when you opened it a certain way.

She portioned out a few slices for each of them and brought soda and the paper towel over to the couch with her.

“Thanks,” Rowan said, accepting his plate from her.

Aelin settled beside him, tucking her feet up on the coffee table.  Already she was taking a massive bite of her pepperoni and mushroom with extra cheese.  

“Howwasurda?” she asked around her mouthful of pizza.

Rowan rolled his eyes and threw a paper towel at her. “Fine.  Nothing terrible.”

In truth, most of the day was a blur.  He’d been so caught up in his own thoughts, his own worries, that he really hadn’t noticed if it had been good or bad.  Though, he’d left his office door closed and ignored his phone for most of it so that had to help.

Aelin pursed her lips but didn’t press the issue.

He knew he shouldn’t have invited her over if he wasn’t even going to try and talk to her, knew that just sitting in silence wasn’t her idea of a good time, but even just having her near was enough to make him feel better.

He knew he could have gone to the bar and Lorcan, Fenrys, and the others would have joined him without hesitation.  He would have gotten tipsy enough to forget what day it was and that would have been more than fine with him.  Today was not a day he wanted to endure sober, but he’d done it.  Forced to relive memory after memory of his dad and wonder what he could have done differently as a son.  It wasn’t a good spiral to go down and would have been much more enjoyable if accompanied by Fenrys doing something stupid to distract him or Lorcan who would just keep sliding him beer the moment he knew something was wrong.

“Hey,” Aelin whispered after a long stretched of silence.  She reached a hand across the couch to brush through his hair, clearing the messy strands from his eyes. “What’s wrong?”

Unconsciously, Rowan leaned into touch.  It had only been two days since they’d last been together but her touch was so gentle and easy that he fell into it easily.

“Nothing,” he said, even though the lie was far to easy to spot.

“You had a bad day?” Her fingers trailed down his cheek to his jaw and it would have been so easy to melt against her.

He didn’t know how to tell her everything that was on his mind.  Didn’t want to say it was the anniversary of his dad passing or that he just wanted to touch her, to linger in this moment a little while longer.  It all just felt too heavy on his tongue, so Rowan shrugged in response.

Aelin didn’t seem to like that.  She gathered the empty plates and wadded up paper towels and tossed them onto the coffee table.  And then before Rowan could ask what she was doing, Aelin grabbed his arm and pulled him toward her.

“C’mere,” she said.  She made no room for arguments as she kept him close, curling against him even until her skirt and blouse were askew.

Aelin said nothing else as she wrapped her arms around him, one hand burrowing in his hair and the other running patterns against the skin of his neck.  She even hooked one knee around his hip until they were utterly flush against each other, curled on the couch in the dying light of dusk.

Rowan was certain he was smothering Aelin but she wouldn’t let him move.  All she did was continue to hold him, one hand ticking softly at the nape of his neck.  He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been held like this, the last time he’d felt this level of comfort.

“It’s alright,” Aelin murmured. “Everything’s going to be fine.”

She didn’t know it, but those were the exact words his mother had told him the day of the funeral, the day they’d gone to pick up his father’s ashes, the day they’d sat in the car staring out at the dense forest trying to decide how you mourned the end of a life and how you moved on from it.

Rowan couldn’t help the shuddering breath the rippled through him as he wrapped his own arms around Aelin, crushing her to him.  She didn’t mind though.  Not as he pressed his face to the crook of her neck and pulled her blouse out of her skirt so he could reach her bare skin.  She didn’t mind as he held on as though she were his lifeline.

He didn’t know if they would talk about it later, didn’t know what he would say if they did.  But for that moment, Rowan let himself remain wrapped in her, this woman who had come to mean more to him than he could even begin to describe.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

tags are dumb as per usual

[neuroticboyfriend]

christmas wonder has worn off, time to go back to my regularly scheduled addict misery

[mangionebabymama]

Because if this were the case, it would make me beyond fucking sick that with all the misery and trauma he went through with his back, to now finally getting surgery and having relief, with then only still having pain and needing to visit with a specialist—

Not the same anon but I do have similar issues, not exactly the same but like to be fair even if he had a successful surgery he would still need regular visits for a while maybe even years depending on the complications- for no complications, completely successful fusion it takes 12-18 ish months for the bones to fuse together post surgery. If he had to go in reality, it would probably be a regular visit. Additionally, a lot of people need to see a neurologist and a pain specialist for life since some on/off pain is still there for most people.

I don't even know how he is coping in prison especially in the cold with the hardware implants which are known to cause inflammation in the cold.

In reference to this previous ask:

Although there can be favorable long-term outcomes for young people who get back surgery, you're right; it doesn't necessarily mean that there will never, ever be any kind of complication that could happen, whether it's short-term or long-term.

For example, my mom had a diskectomy at 26; she had a herniated disc and had surgery to remove part of the damaged part in her spine. She's now in her 50s, and though she doesn't have the pain of having a herniated disc in her back, she still deals with pain from her back. She has always needed to sleep on a specific mattress with a proper amount of pillows in particular places because of the discomfort she still deals with because of her back; not to mention, though she's not physically active, she's always been unable to lift heavy objects and engage in regular weightlifting because of what her back has gone through. And when she's in cold weather, her back gives her hell.

So, I do understand how he would have to regularly schedule visits and follow-ups with a specialist to maintain overall health and wellness and monitor pain management., as a way to proactively stay on top of watching the progress of the spinal fusion healing and fusing together correctly, especially that it should, since he is still young so physically, compared if he was much older, considering that as we age, our bones become weaker and start to deteriorate, with the healing process gradually slowing down over time. It just hurts to still consider this when he was so hopeful and optimistic about finally being approved for the surgery and getting the procedure done. Then, at six months post-op, he mentioned that all was well, and he had no worries.

I can't help but also think about the probable pain he could be facing with the implants, and even any pain he could have with scar tissue and the cold, considering that the surgery was recent in the last year and a half. I've read stories by people who had surgeries like years ago with implants and have mentioned that cold weather and cold temperatures still make their bodies ache and give them discomfort and stiffness. Like what the fuck :(

[liveleaker]

will be back to regularly scheduled silliness tomorrow AM when im not drunk and craving the impossible in vast misery

[animereaderinsertwriter]

Previous - Chapter 2 - Next - Series Masterlist - ao3

Pairing: Levi Ackerman x Reader

Rating: Explicit

Tags/Warnings: romance, smut, light angst, strangers to lovers to disgustingly in love, medic!reader

Word Count: 25k

tag list: @kurxxmi , @jorbinx

Just before the mission to retake Wall Maria...

After the power of the royal family changed hands to Historia Reiss, bastard daughter of Rod Reiss, (Y/N) took two weeks off from work to sit and ponder how, exactly, the world had turned itself on its ear in so little time. 

Before that, she and Levi had been seeing each other semi-regularly. When their schedule allowed, they'd have lunch here, a quickie at hers there, and a few interspersed meetings and the exchanging of letters in between, but nothing too terribly serious. They enjoyed each other's company, and the sex was fantastic; it was perfect for their needs at the time. There was no need to push for anything more, she'd thought, since she was lucky to have even this much with him. She was content.

And then everything had gone to hell in a handbasket, and she hardly knew what to make of it.

When the Scouts had been forced into hiding, (Y/N) had been out of her mind with worry, unable to concentrate on even the simplest of things. The whole thing had caught her off guard in more ways than one; of course, she'd known that she was fond of Levi, that he meant something to her, but until that news reached her ears, she hadn't known just how deeply her own feelings ran. Every waking thought was consumed by Levi while the government hunted him and his men like they were dogs, until one day, after hours of agonizing worry, (Y/N) finally admitted to herself that she had fallen face-first in love with the most untouchable soldier in the entire Survey Corps. 

Love. Oh, how foolish, how irresponsible of her to fall in love! Teenage girls fall in love, children with flowers in their hair and stars in their eyes fall in love— not grown women with a career and responsibilities in life!

But she had fallen, and there was nothing that could change it once it took hold. 

By the time everything had been settled and Historia had been crowned queen, (Y/N) had come to terms with her lot. She was in love, yes, but in the long run, it didn't change anything, not really. After all, Levi hadn't tried to contact her since before the incident with the Military Police, Rod Reiss, and the madness that had accompanied it; nearly the entire first week of her leave had passed, and there had still been no word from him. And why should there have been? She was just a friend, just someone to pass the time with on occasion. He owed her nothing. 

Even so, she couldn't help but feel a bit wounded by it. 

It was on the third evening of her second week off that (Y/N) really began to feel the sting of rejection. Up to that point, Levi's absence of communication could easily have been explained away by any number of things related to his position in the Survey Corps and the precarious nature of the current monarchy; now, however, with everything mostly back to normal, there was increasingly little reason for him not to be in touch. (Y/N) could no longer dare to hope that it was business that kept him away. The only plausible explanation in her mind was that she had been forgotten entirely, and she had rolled around on her couch all day, marinating in the misery of her current situation. 

I should have stayed on the farm with father, she thought for one desperate, awful moment, Then I would be married off to some louse, and I'd be so busy being barefoot and pregnant that I wouldn't have time to feel sorry for myself.

As quickly as the thought had come, (Y/N) brushed it aside. She would never trade her independence for anything; the way she saw things, it was much better to be miserable of her own doing than somebody else's, and in any case, the fit of melancholy she was experiencing at present had a very plain and simple solution for the temporary that she wouldn't have had otherwise.

After all, there was no medicine like whiskey for matters of the heart. 

Just as she began to seriously consider pouring herself a glass from the decanter sitting in the corner of her living room, there were three sharp knocks at the door. 

At first, (Y/N) ignored it. She wasn't feeling very much in the mood for guests, and would likely lose her patience with whoever it was rather quickly. However, the knocker was insistent; after a few moments, they knocked again, this time with the meat of their fist, if the way (Y/N)'s wall decor rattled was any indication. 

Let them knock, (Y/N) thought viciously, folding her arms over her chest. As far as they're concerned, I could be out to dinner at this hour. 

"Oi!" said the knocker in a too-familiar voice as they knocked even harder. "I know you're in there, brat, let me in!" 

It was Levi!

Stumbling over herself in her hurry, (Y/N) unlocked her door and let it swing inward just as Levi was raising his fist to knock again. When she saw what a state he was in, (Y/N) immediately felt guilty for her one-woman pity party; Levi was clearly exhausted, his eyes bloodshot, and judging from the bottle in his hand and the smell clinging to him, he had been drinking quite a bit. 

"Are you okay?" were the first words out of her mouth, but Levi didn't reply. He just stared at her mutely, and as she stared back, (Y/N) was surprised to find pain hidden there in the steely depths of his eyes. 

"Kenny Ackerman is dead," he told her, and before she could ask who the hell Kenny Ackerman was, Levi took the bottle in his hand and turned it skyward, chugging whatever was in it. 

"Hey, now, that's enough of that," (Y/N) said, snatching the bottle away, spilling some over both of them in the process. "I have whiskey inside that you can drink out of a glass like a civilized— mph!"

His hands were suddenly on either side of her face, his mouth colliding with hers in a bruising kiss that tasted like cheap booze and stale bread. He kissed her with the same frenzied desperation with which he'd turned up the bottle, as though she could get him just as drunk, and before (Y/N) knew what was happening, they were inside and she was pressed against the door, trapped by strong arms and insistent kisses. 

"I can't think," he said, sucking and biting a bruise into her neck. "So much shit has happened and I can't process any of it. I just want to not feel anything."

"Levi, you know that's not healthy," she chided gently, gasping as his mouth trailed lower to the hollow of her throat. 

"Fuck healthy. I don't care. I just want to be with you and forget."

Something was off. Ordinarily, (Y/N) would have just passed it off as melodrama and let him have his way with her, but he was so, so drunk, and hurting on top of that; he was, for all intents and purposes, a wounded soldier… only, his wounds were on the inside, utterly invisible and impossible to heal by any physical means. It was entirely possible that if (Y/N) allowed things to continue in this direction, he could really hurt her— hurt both of them— without realizing it. 

"Levi, I don't think sex is a good idea right now, you're completely sloshed and—"

He jerked away from her, his lips red and bruised-looking. He looked unbearably wounded, and (Y/N) looked away. 

"I'm sorry," she said, "But I'm not going to let you do something you'll regret later just to satisfy you for the moment. You're hurting and I know you want to get away from everything, but you're in no state to be seeking anything except maybe company and some rest."

Levi looked at her for a long moment, his expression unreadable. (Y/N) wasn't sure what his reaction to refusal would be, but when he tangled a hand in her hair, he seemed to relax, the tension bleeding from him to leave only the most acute look of misery (Y/N) had ever seen on a person whose guts were, in fact, still where they were supposed to be. They were silent for a moment more, then Levi spoke, his voice thick with emotion and ever-so-slightly slurred. 

"I think I'm going to be sick."

So saying, he turned and wobbled in the direction of (Y/N)'s bathroom, which she hoped he would reach before he vomited on her floor. Deciding that she would save him the indignity of an audience, (Y/N) went to her kitchen and fixed a glass of water, but not before rooting around in her cabinets until she found an anti-nausea pill. When she thought an appropriate amount of time had passed, she made her way to the bathroom to check on him, and when she got there, she found him sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall in front of her toilet. 

"Here," she said, handing him the water and the pill, and he downed both without complaint or question. Silently, (Y/N) settled herself against the wall next to him, and after an indeterminable amount of time, he began to talk. 

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice noticeably more steady than it had been when he'd first arrived. "I didn't mean to be a grabby, drunk nuisance."

"Grabby and drunk you might be, but I never think of you as a nuisance," she grinned. "I am a bit worried though. Are you alright?"

Levi shrugged. "Ask me later, and you'll get an answer you'll like."

"I don't want an answer I'll like if it isn't the truth, Levi. I want whatever is real, even if it's ugly."

Levi let his head thunk against the bathroom wall, exposing the lean line of his throat, the bobbing of his Adam's apple.

"The truth is… complicated," he said, exhaling through his nose. 

(Y/N) mirrored Levi's shrug from earlier. "I've got time if you've got the inclination."

For a moment, Levi studied her. His eyes wandered from her own down to her chest, her torso, and back up; what he was searching for, (Y/N) couldn't have said, but whatever it was, he must have found it, because he began to speak once more, this time with the weight of a story on his shoulders.

"Kenny Ackerman was the man who raised me after my mother died," he said, his eyes trained straight forward. "He fed me, clothed me, taught me how to survive in The Underground. I thought of him as something like a father to me, although I would later find out that he was my uncle."

Levi paused, turning to look at (Y/N) to gauge her reaction. she tilted her head in an encouraging nod, and he continued. 

"One day, he just left, and I was alone for a long time. After he disappeared, I didn't see him for several years, and until a couple of weeks ago, I might have even considered the possibility of his death." Levi paused, then said, "Maybe it would have been better if he had been dead. Some of the soldiers under my command would still be alive if that had been the case."

(Y/N) grimaced. "I take it you two reunited under unfortunate circumstances." 

"The bastard ambushed me, slaughtered my subordinates like they were nothing and chased me across town." The look in Levi's eyes was a dark one, full of anger and malice, and (Y/N) could only imagine what it must have been like to be a first-hand recipient of the full force of that raging malevolence. "The rest is a long story but… later on, when everything was said and done, it was his time to die. We were alone in his final moments, and… I can't tell you everything, but there was something he said before he died that keeps bothering me."

Levi shook his head, rubbing his face with one hand. 

"Go on," (Y/N) prompted, eager to learn what had shaken him so. "What did he say?"

"He said, 'Everyone I've met, they're all the same. Drinking, women, worshipping God, even— family, the king, dreams, children, power— everyone had to be drunk on something to keep pushing on. Everyone was a slave to something.' I didn't think much of it then— I was too busy searching for other answers at the time— but now, it haunts me because it's true. Everyone is drunk on something, and sometimes— sometimes I don't even want to think about what that means."

(Y/N) nodded, allowing herself some time to think before responding. There wasn't much she could say to that, really; all she knew to do was offer her support and sympathy. 

"I'm sorry he died," she said, choosing her words very carefully. "It can't have been easy for you."

I should like to have met him, she added silently. A philosopher from the underbelly of society… 

Levi let out a soft tch. 

"Kenny was a criminal and a right bastard. Trust me, he isn't someone whose passing is mourned by many."

"But mourned by you?"

Levi shook his head. "I… don't know how I feel about it. He saved me, but then he abandoned me, and then he was gone for so long that it's like we were strangers who happened to know each other at the end."

"Sounds like a real character," she said, trying to imagine what sort of man would leave a child— even a prodigy like Levi— out on the streets to fend for themselves. "I'm sure he was a very complex individual."

"Understatement of the century," Levi huffed.

(Y/N) couldn't help but crack a grin. "Let me guess— he wasn't a people person either?"

At that, Levi looked at her in shock— calling him 'not a people person' was usually how (Y/N) liked to tease him when he was being grouchy— before huffing a surprised little laugh that was somehow fond and exasperated at the same time. 

"I guess you could say that," he chuckled, "Although I doubt you would have gotten on with him as well as you do me."

With that, he reached over and linked their fingers together before adding, "At least, I hope you wouldn't have— after all, there's only room for one Ackerman in the world to be terribly taken with you."

(Y/N) couldn't fight the blush that painted her cheeks, or the way her heart fluttered nervously in her chest. 

"You're 'terribly taken' with me?" she asked, partly teasing, partly serious.

Levi's smile faded. "That's actually what I came here to talk about."

(Y/N) raised a brow. The Levi knocking at her door earlier in the evening had looked like discussing their relationship was the furthest thing possible from his mind. 

"Did you happen to fall into a wine-cask on the way over, or… ?"

Levi grimaced. "Something like that. I'd intended to have a drink before I came to see you— for liquid courage, you understand— but then one drink became two, and before I knew it I was piss-drunk and thinking about the incidents of the past couple weeks."

"Ah." It didn't take a genius to figure out the rest from there. "I'm sorry. Did you still want to talk?"

(Y/N) was on pins and needles as she waited for his reply. On one hand, she was desperately eager to know what he had come to discuss that required 'liquid courage' as he put it; on the other, she was utterly terrified of what he might have come to say. 

"Yes," he replied, and her whole body began to feel fizzy, as though the blood in her body had suddenly become carbonated. "If you're willing to listen."

(Y/N) forced herself to smile. "I'm always willing to listen."

"Then here goes."

He sighed, pulling his hand away so that he could turn to face her. His eyes— gunmetal gray and so, so deep— were dark with the strength of his resolve, and (Y/N) braced herself for the impact of his next words. 

"I love you."

(Y/N) blinked. That… was not what she had been expecting. 

"I'm sorry, what?"

"I love you," he said, looking her straight in the eyes. "I love you, you and your bright eyes and your smart mouth and your wicked smile… you drive me crazy. I've never felt this way about anyone before."

"Oh, Levi," said (Y/N), her heart incredibly, miraculously full. "I—"

He held up a hand, looking slightly pained. "I'm not finished. From the moment I joined the Survey Corps, I've been reaching for vengeance, for freedom, for something more than the life of a street rat. Since I met you, for the first time in my life, I— I've begun to want something more, to look past today, past tomorrow and into a future to see what could be instead of what is. (Y/N), if this world were free, if the land were truly ours, there would be no need for a life like mine. I would have no place in the new world order, but… every now and then, I think that maybe with you and a little cottage somewhere wide and open and free… I could be happy." 

(Y/N) heart leapt into her throat. She couldn't say anything, couldn't even breathe; she felt as though she had been struck by lightning. Her expression must have mirrored her dumbstruck interior, because Levi looked away, dejected. 

"You think I'm crazy," he said, moving to stand. "Maybe I should go…"

That was enough to break (Y/N) out of her shell-shock, and she was suddenly filled with indignation at the presumptuous fool in front of her. In a bold movement that was unlike her, she grabbed his arm and yanked him to her until their noses were nearly touching.

"Levi Ackerman, if you think for one red-hot second that I'm going to let the man I love leave this apartment after a confession like that, you had better think again."

Levi blinked, once, then twice, and then unceremoniously turned his gaze downwards to watch his fingers pinch himself hard enough to bruise. 

"Levi!" (Y/N) scolded, yanking his hand away from his poor, abused skin. "What the hell?"

He gave her a look that was serious, serious, serious. 

"I had to make sure it was real," he said, reaching out to touch her cheek. "With you, I hardly know waking from dreaming."

(Y/N) shook her head, but couldn't fight off a smile. 

"Still drunk, are we?" she laughed, and Levi eventually cracked a crooked smile.

"Oh for certain. Doesn't mean it's not true, though."

(Y/N) kissed him gently on the cheek, smiling against his skin. "Oh, Levi. Come on, let's go to the kitchen. I'll make some tea, get you something to eat, and see if we can't flush some of that alcohol out of your system. That is, if you think you won't throw up again."

At that, Levi gave her a tired, good-natured leer. "I'd rather skip right to dessert."

(Y/N) couldn't help but laugh.

"I'm sure, but unfortunately for you, I'm a medic. You need hydration and sustenance— doctor's orders."

Levi tch-ed. "I hate medics."

"But you love this one," (Y/N) giggled. "Would it make you feel better if I said I had a sexy nurse outfit waiting for you if you're a good patient?"

"Hmm, keep talking." Levi's grin was positively carnivorous. "You just might manage to convince me."

"I didn't say I had one, I just asked if you'd feel better if I said I did," (Y/N) teased, standing up and motioning for Levi to do the same.

"So do you or don't you have one?" he demanded as she led him by the hand to the kitchen.

(Y/N) turned to him and winked. 

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

As it turned out, Levi forgot all about the supposed nurse outfit by the time they made it to the bedroom. Of course, that was mostly because (Y/N) had insisted on hand-feeding him bits of biscuit dipped in honey, letting him suck the stickiness from her fingers with each go; by the time he'd eaten one full biscuit, he was so worked up that there was only one thing on his mind. 

"This is totally undignified," (Y/N) fussed as he carried her through the hall leading to her bedroom, her legs wrapped around his waist. "Besides, I know I've got to be heavy for you— oh. "

Levi wasn't interested at all in hearing the reasons why he shouldn't be carrying her to bed; conversely, he was very interested by the feel of the satiny skin of (Y/N)'s neck against his lips and teeth. 

Eventually— after getting sidetracked a time or two by stopping long enough to give kissing their full attention— Levi made it to the bed with (Y/N) in his arms. Gently, he placed her on the mattress, but still she clung to him; it was as though she was possessed by the same consuming desire to be as close as possible that affected Levi. Her hands sifted through his hair, leaving the most perfect tingling sensation in their wake, and Levi had a hard time restraining himself from acting as though he wanted nothing more than to meld himself with her completely, wrapping himself in everything she had to offer him. 

"Levi," she gasped as his tongue found her ear, and he could swear that his name never sounded sweeter than when it passed her lips.

"Yes, bright-eyes?"

Bright-eyes— how perfectly she was suited to the nickname he'd given her! It had begun as an endearment, first in his private thoughts, and then openly to (Y/N) herself; now, he signed all their letters with the closing salutation, 'Be well, bright-eyes,' and it was most often how he thought of her. Bright-eyes… his bright-eyes. 

"Take off our clothes."

Levi didn't need to be told twice. With skillful hands and a wandering mouth, he gently peeled (Y/N)'s clothes from her body, his lips, tongue, and teeth leaving a glistening trail wherever fabric had been removed to reveal smooth, silken skin. Beneath him, (Y/N) trembled, her body shaking with the pleasure of his ministrations; when his roaming hands reached her breasts, she arched into him, her back bowing off the bed, and Levi had to fight the urge to throw foreplay out the window in favor of seeking relief for his aching cock. 

"You're too perfect for your own good," he murmured into her neck after pulling her shirt off completely, followed by her bra. "I could touch and taste you forever, and it still wouldn't be enough."

He proved the truth of that statement as he lowered his mouth to one of her nipples as his hand rose to tease the other. Her responding whine was enough to make his cock twitch in his pants, and he chased those sounds like they were oxygen. He loved this woman, loved every part of her; he didn't know how else to show her other than to devote every ounce of his being to her pleasure and hope she knew what it meant for him to lay himself bare for her. 

"Levi, oh fuck," she groaned as he threw her shorts and panties across the room. "Stop teasing, I can't take it— just fuck me already."

"Patience is a virtue," Levi chuckled, blowing air across the nipple he'd unlatched from to speak. "And you, my sweet one, are full of every virtue."

Her eyes narrowed and her brows knit into the cutest frown Levi had ever seen. "I'd rather be full of you!"

"In time," he murmured, sinking lower on the mattress until he was eye-level with her sex. "Let me be selfish and enjoy you a bit more first."

And enjoy he did. As Levi unbuttoned his shirt, his mouth was busy sucking and nipping at that sweet bundle of nerves that he knew could make his bright-eyes scream. Once he was down to his boxers, his hands joined his mouth to tease at her opening, relishing in the soft, warm wetness he found there. His cock was throbbing with need to be there, buried in that tight heat, but still, he resisted. There would be time later for his own pleasure, but first, he intended to drive (Y/N) to her absolute limit. 

"Oh God, you're going to kill me," she gasped, her hands twisting the sheets in a white-knuckled grip as her body writhed against him. "Levi, I mean it, I want you inside me! What do you want me to do, beg?"

Levi paused, allowing himself a moment to be smug. 

"You can try that," he mused, flattening his tongue against her in a single, solid swipe that gave way to her whine. "It certainly won't hurt your cause."

And then, because (Y/N) was the most wonderful creature in existence, she opened her mouth with what must have been her very best attempt to drive Levi entirely mad. 

"Oh Levi, please," she begged, breathless and debauched. "I'll do anything, any position, I'll be so good for you— I just need you inside me, need you to bend me in half and fuck me so hard that you'll ruin me. I want it, Levi, I want it so badly!"

How could he deny her? After divesting himself of the last of his clothing, he rearranged (Y/N) a bit to adjust the angle— a pillow under her hips, he'd found, created the perfect angle for her when they chose to fuck face-to-face— and then pressed slowly into her in one smooth slide. The sounds she made as he entered her were somewhere between a sharp, choking inhale and a moan, and Levi had to close his eyes and grit his teeth to stave off his orgasm as she clenched hard around him. 

As he began to fuck her in earnest, those sounds became more and more frequent and desperate— her legs, which were thrown across his shoulders, began to tremble— and before long, she was screaming his name so loudly that the neighbors would most certainly be lodging a complaint with the landlord first thing the next morning. Levi swallowed that scream like the greedy, selfish man he was, kissing and licking into her mouth as he continued fucking her through her orgasm, and as (Y/N) fisted her hands in his hair, pulling him ever closer, he wondered how he had ever lived before he'd had this. 

And that was before she recovered her voice, which she used to maximum effect. 

"Come inside me," she said as he was getting close, her voice hoarse and wrecked in his ear. 

Levi's brain short-circuited. His hips stuttered in their rhythm, and he let out a groan that he might have been ashamed of had he been anywhere else besides balls-deep in the gorgeous specimen before him. Before his brain came back online, (Y/N) killed the questions and concerns that danced on his tongue, waiting to be unleashed.

"I take a pill," she told him, bucking her hips against him, moving his cock somehow impossibly further inside her. "There's nothing to worry about, just do it."

Levi's body made the decision for him; before he knew which way was up again, his hips resumed their frantic pace, fucking and fucking and fucking until he did exactly as she asked, spilling himself inside her without a second thought. 

Once he could think again, Levi rolled off of her, his cock spent and messy with the wetness of their coupling, and he seemed to melt into her sheets and pillows like a pile of human-shaped goo. 

"A pill, you say?" he asked as they recovered, both of their chests heaving as though they'd run a marathon. 

"Mhm, oral contraceptive," she confirmed, rolling over to look at him, her eyes as bright and beautiful as ever. "Handy little things, though not one-hundred percent effective, as one might imagine."

"Interesting."

In his mind's eye, Levi saw the little cottage he'd imagined for weeks, but now there were children playing out in the yard, chasing one another and laughing. He wondered briefly if (Y/N) would ever agree to bring children into the fucked-up world they lived in— if she would give him the privilege of fatherhood one day. Distantly, he thought he might like that, someday. Not now— not when humanity's survival was so precarious, and their love so new— but maybe someday, when everything was settled, when they had known each other longer. 

"Penny for your thoughts." (Y/N) prodded his side with a finger; she was as perceptive as ever, raising a brow that said, 'What are you hiding?'

"I love you," he replied simply, and he meant it. 

He must have given the right answer, because (Y/N) beamed at him with the brightness of a thousand suns. 

"I love you too," she said, and he knew she meant it too. 

After that night, Levi's visits and letters were more frequent, and more often than not, his correspondence came with little gifts… and sometimes not-so-little gifts. 

Once, after a trip to town, (Y/N) had returned home to find a letter in which was enclosed a ribbon of fine green silk— 'for your hair,' the letter had said— and a week or so after that, one came with a pair of lace gloves that (Y/N) had admired on a stroll with him the day before. After (Y/N) and a basket of fresh-baked muffins paid a visit to the orphanage where the queen and the 104th cadets were working, Levi had sent her a pair of truly stunning emerald earrings set in gold and fashioned in the shape of a teardrop, which were followed the next week with a gorgeous emerald bracelet to match. 

Needless to say, (Y/N) was feeling every inch the spoiled princess, but it was ever-so-slightly discomfiting; after all, she hadn't the funds to reciprocate in kind, and she felt that such beautiful and expensive jewelry was wasted on someone like her, someone who worked with her hands and often found herself in less-than-pristine situations that were common for medics. When (Y/N) finally voiced those concerns to Levi, he'd only waved his hand and said that even if she only ever wore them for him ( 'Even with nothing else on,' he'd added with a leer), then it was money well-spent, and money that he had to spare. 

And so they lived on, and (Y/N) continued to allow herself to be spoiled. 

However, as the saying goes, all good things must come to an end; their newly-formed routine was disrupted by a single letter, written in Levi's familiar scrawl:

'I'll be by tonight. The day after tomorrow, we ride for Shiganshina.

Until then, be well, bright-eyes.

Levi.'

When she read those words, (Y/N)'s heart sank. It was easy to forget that Levi was a soldier when he was close to home and out of danger, but the word Shiganshina alone was enough to chill her to her bones with the reminder that Levi was the sword-arm of humanity, that the good of the human race would always take precedence over what either of them wanted. 

Later that evening, when Levi dragged in, (Y/N) had promised herself that she wouldn't cry, that she would be strong for him so that he could be strong for the rest of the world. She couldn't lose her cool, not now that he had come in looking like he needed about three days worth of sleep— she wouldn't. 

At least, that's what she told herself before Levi pulled a medium-sized velvet box out of his jacket pocket. 

"Don't laugh," he said as he pressed it into her hand. "If you hate it, it was Hange's idea."

"And if I love it?" she asked, a smile teasing at her lips. 

"Then Hange had nothing to do with it and it was my idea from the start."

(Y/N) was about to giggle, tickled by Levi's antics, but the laughter died in her throat as she opened the box to reveal a beautiful gold necklace with a heart-shaped pendant that was adorned by a single large emerald in the shape of a rhombus. Upon closer inspection, (Y/N) found that the pendant was in fact a locket, and when she opened it, she found that an impossibly small portrait of Levi in his military formals lay within. 

"Oh Levi," she said, tears welling in her eyes unbidden. "It's so beautiful."

Perhaps she could have blinked away those tears, had she not continued to gaze lovingly at her newest gift, but as her eyes lingered there on the portrait of her captain, the engraving on the inner left-hand side of the locket caught her attention. It read, 'Be well, bright-eyes,' and at once she understood exactly what this gift was meant to be. 

This was Levi's farewell. This was his way of saying goodbye and leaving something for her to remember him by in case he didn't come back. 

Her tears spilled over, and Levi drew her to his chest. He smelled of dust and dirt and sweat from travel, and (Y/N) buried her face impossibly closer in his skin. 

"If I knew it was that bad, I'd have left it in the store," he teased, though (Y/N) could tell that the words weighed heavily on him. "I hate to see you cry."

"I hate to be seen crying," she wailed into his shirt, clenching her fists in the fabric that lay across his back. "It's unseemly, and I told myself I wouldn't and now look at the mess I'm in."

"Nonsense," he said, stroking her hair. "You're never unseemly, not to me. If you let anyone see you cry, I would rather it be me that sees you."

(Y/N) looked up at that, and found a rare— but genuine— smile on Levi's face that tore madly at her heart. 

"After all," he added, pressing a kiss into her forehead, "I'm a selfish, selfish man when it comes to you."

If Levi was selfish, then so was (Y/N); she would do almost anything to stay there in that moment with him, to keep him with her always, Shiganshina and the whole of Wall Maria be damned. She knew it wasn't right, that the freedom and continued survival of mankind were so far above her own wants and needs that it hardly needed saying, but with Levi right there in her arms, alive and well and warm, she couldn't help but want him safe with her. 

They stood there holding each other for a long while, allowing themselves the comfort of a tender embrace, but eventually, Levi pulled away. 

"I need a shower, I'm absolutely disgusting," he said, unclasping his Cape. "Care to join me?" 

Naturally, she did, but it didn't turn out quite the way she had been expecting. 

Usually, showing together consisted of hot, steamy shower sex followed by gentle hands assisting with the actual washing part of showering, which was what (Y/N) had been anticipating; granted, she wasn't exactly in the mood for sex at all, but she wasn't about to deny Levi anything he wanted or needed, not when he had been so tired nor so close to a big mission. She was perfectly fine with allowing Levi to take pleasure from her and give her pleasure of his own, so long as it pleased him, but oddly enough, he seemed content just to touch and kiss her, working the washcloth over her body with a strangely pensive expression. Unwilling to disturb whatever thoughts he might be having, (Y/N) silently mirrored his movements, and soon they were both drying off.

"Forget clothes," he said as (Y/N) reached for the ones she'd brought with her. "I want to feel you."

And that was how they ended up lying naked in her bed, (Y/N) lying on her back at the headboard and Levi on his stomach atop her, his head nestled between her breasts. As far as it went, it was hardly the most abnormal position they'd ever lain in, but it was a bit concerning, considering that both of them were entirely sober and and not blissed out on sex chemicals. Levi seemed content, though, and the solid weight of him against her was reassuring, so (Y/N) said nothing and allowed herself to enjoy the moment. 

"I can hear your heartbeat," he said, his breath warm against her skin. 

"Am I all good, doc?"she teased, and she felt more than saw him grin.

"That's my line."

"I know."

They were silent a moment more, then Levi spoke up again, this time, his voice dark and full of trepidation.  

"This mission is going to change the world as we know it," he said. "If we succeed, and Grisha Jaeger's basement holds the secrets of the titans… (Y/N), for once in our long, miserable history, we could truly have a chance at winning our freedom."

In her heart of hearts, (Y/N) resonated with the mix of hope, longing, and abject terror in those words, but Levi wasn't finished.

"On the other hand, if we fail… there will be no Survey Corps. There will be no one to stand between the enemy titans and the wall… between the enemy and you ."

(Y/N)'s heart sank. "Levi, I—"

"I've never been scared before a mission," he told her, pulling her even closer. "Even now, I'm not scared for me— it's a soldier's lot, to give his life if he needs to— but I'm terrified for your sake. I couldn't bear it if anything were to happen to you."

(Y/N) brought a hand up to rake through his hair, deceptively soft and as black as midnight between her fingers. 

"I'm afraid for you too, you know," she said, scratching gently at the shaved hairs at the back of his head the way he liked. "And you're right, the world is going to change forever with this mission. Those are facts, things that we can't control."

She paused for a moment, thinking, then continued.

"But Levi, you're forgetting something very, very important. It's unlike you, to be so forgetful."

He let out a puff of air against her chest. "And what am I forgetting, sweet one?"

(Y/N) allowed herself a smile. "Humanity has a special superpower, a final line of defense if you will."

"Oh?"

"Of course," she replied as she felt him settle his full weight onto her chest once more. "No matter the trials, no matter the obstacles, no matter the odds stacked against us… we make do. We always have, and we always will. So don't worry about me, or anyone else here; we'll be just fine. Just worry about yourself and your comrades and living to fight another day, and we'll all make do with the hands that are dealt to us."

Levi was quiet after that— so quiet that (Y/N) was almost certain that he'd fallen asleep—  but then he stirred once more, readjusting his position so that he could look her in the eyes. 

"I love you," he said, raising himself up to rest his forehead against hers. "Your strength amazes me."

(Y/N) snorted. "And I love you , but the way you talk about my strength as if everyone doesn't refer to you as humanity's strongest soldier is ludicrous."

"Different kind of strength," he said, stealing a kiss. "Yours is a quiet assuredness, a gritty determination; you have the kind of strength that lends itself to the survival of the species."

"Flatterer," (Y/N) accused with a grin.

"It's not flattery if it's true," he replied, settling back down where he had been laying before. "As I've said before, you do have every virtue, up to and including the most perfect breasts in the world."

(Y/N) giggled. "A flatterer and a pervert."

"Give a man a break, there's a possibility I might die before I see you again. At least let me have the joy of my face in your magnificent tits before I go, and I'll die a happy man."

At that, (Y/N) swatted him. "Don't even joke about that, Levi Ackerman."

"What, your tits?"

She swatted him again. "No, your death , you neanderthal!"

Levi chuckled, and before either of them knew it, both of them were laughing, gasping for air when their giggling allowed it. Then and there, sharing such joy with the man she loved, (Y/N) knew it was going to be okay; not because he was certain to come back, or because humanity's victory was set in stone, but because they would both have this moment to keep them and sustain them through lonely nights and dreary days, to remind them what it was that made them human. 

We'll make do, indeed, (Y/N) thought to herself as her side threatened to split. We'll both be just fine.

[atom1cflea]

Enough happiness for now. Back to your regularly scheduled misery.

[p0tat0-g0ddess]

back to your regularly scheduled utter misery

[rearranged-fanfic]

I AM BACK TO ONCE AGAIN SCREAM

so like. please start paying rent. rearranged cant just live in my head rent free forever. i beg of you. it has me in a chokehold. i have been unable to think of anything but the next update all day. waking up? rearranged. breakfast? rearranged. meeting up with a friend? rearranged. resting? rearranged.

i held myself back last time to read two chapters at once. i am suffering my own hubris of eating your fic up too fast.

im in love with your writing style??? how will i explain this to my fiancé.

i mean this in the most kind way possible, thank you for my suffering.

Hello, my delightfully vocal friend!!!

I am afraid that I am a poor fanfiction author, so I must pay rent using updates for my fanfiction instead of money. I hope that this agreement is amenable to you. If not, I'm sure that we can come to an accord that is beneficial for both parties.

In all seriousness, I'm super glad to hear that you're so pumped up for my fanfiction. It's wild to me that it's evolved into the absolute monster that it has in such a short time. To be far, it also consumes my every waking hour. Except it's more "Oh god, I need to put this in my outline" or "Did I remember to put *insert character here* into that one scene?" Lol. So it also lives in my head rent free. Oop.

be careful saving up chapters. Lol. They long (RIP my hands). You'll be reading for ten hours if you're not careful 🤣

It's nice to hear that you're in love with my writing style!!! Like... I always feel like I ramble on like a toddler with ADHD, but apparently people like WAY too many details? And unconventional sentence structure?? And when Reader-chan ruminates on the morality of *thing* for six paragraphs???

You can always introduce your fiancé to the story so that you can introduce the idea of a triad? IDK. Triads are a thing IRL, right?

Thank you for suffering for me. As your semi-regularly scheduled sadist, I feed off of your pleasurable misery. Lol.

As always, much love! Stay safe out there, and don't get caught by animal control if you keep screaming.

❤️❤️❤️

[mylifeasaserver]

The good, the bad, and the mandatory

At some point the restaurant was notified about a visit from corporate. To most employees, this means virtually nothing. To management, it’s time to PANIC.

To that end, the GM made working Tuesday mandatory for everybody so they could all chip in for the cleaning that’s already part of side work and whatnot anyway that nobody seems to remember to do.

I tell the GM that I can’t be there, the pharmacy has me scheduled.

“If you care about your job at all you’ll figure out how to make it work. You’re expected here at 2.”

As you might expect, I was not there Tuesday because the pharmacy pays me more. And comes with benefits.

Tonight I show up for my regularly scheduled misery shift. I’ve volunteered to host since the hostesses both quit until they get a replacement or I quit or die, whichever comes first (I’m actually making more money hosting right now so...) I clock in and the GM tells me to go to the office immediately. Oh goody. Nothing stupid could possibly come from this.

GM: Where were you yesterday?

Me: At the pharmacy. 

GM: We needed you here.

Me: Yeah so did the pharmacy and they’re paying me $10/hr more.

GM: They could have done without you for a day.

Me: Given that the restaurant is still here it looks like you did just fine too. When I was interviewed I told you very clearly that I was available only when the pharmacy didn’t have me scheduled. You agreed to that. 

GM: Sometimes we’re going to need you to be flexible.

Me: I was clear that there’s no flexibility on that front. If that doesn’t work we can end my employment and part as friends. Flexibility with me means I’ll go be host when you need one vs. serving. Not blowing off my primary job for this.

GM: Now I see why you were labeled as a difficult employee. 

Me: Am I going home now or do you want me to host?

GM: Just go up front. The corporate guy didn’t show up anyway.

I go up front. It’s another dead Wednesday. Manager Lite and the drama queen are fighting over who does what side work - since they know I won’t be doing it for them - when a guy comes to the podium.

Me: Just one tonight?

Him: Actually I’m here from the corporate offices. Where’s your manager?

Me: In the office last I saw her. Want me to get her for you? Or do you just want to go back and see her there?

Him: Eh, I’ll go back. 

Not 10 minutes later a very red-faced corporate guy is closing down the restaurant and the shift supervisor no longer works here. I guess he had to wake her up to talk. I was sent home. Not much use for a host when there are no tables and nobody coming in.

I’ll have to ask the cook what happens tomorrow.

On the one hand, I feel bad for her losing her job. I’ve had worse managers. On the other, most jobs frown upon drinking yourself to sleep on the clock. -J

[cryptwretch]

i'm back home from my trip, peace and love on planet earth is over, back to regularly scheduled misery and hate

[petrichoraline]

petri!!! a song i’m obsessed with atm is shinee’s sweet misery! it’s most definitely one of the best b-sides off the album for me. i think i saw you rb some gifs from hard so i’m assuming you’re enjoying this release as well! i’m similarly not online as regularly as of late, but i always miss you and what you bring to my dash when i’m away. wishing you nothing but the best ♥️♥️♥️🫶

my lovely sufa, getting to you late has become a habit but you're too kind to ever complain about it, you're so precious <3 (the way I read the replies to my asks but never follow up like with the latest skz one 🙄 just know I read and enjoy your thoughts immensely, I even make up points for my response, I just..don't get around to it 🥲) so sorry, thank you and back to our regularly scheduled reply!

I have gottt to listen to this album already, I just learned that identity (?) was put on the korean pride afterparty playlist and that's about all I know about the songs 😭 and I've also seen a ridiculous amount of minho in that leather crop top harness situation from the concert lol

as for reblogging hard..im being supportive in the laziest way possible 🙇‍♀️ my inability to force myself to consume content affects my kpop interests as well, would you believe it :') i want to say procrastinating on listening to music has got to be a new low for me but I've been like this for so long lmao

always glad to see you on my dash, always happy to see the perky "petri!!" in my inbox 🥰🥰🥰 wishing you the best, kindest creature <33

[greerbaiting]

Rage of Ultron gave readers a really weird starting point showing Hank and Jan ambiguously back together in a relationship, and having Jan be the heir/executor of Hank's assets, but missed showing how they got together in the first place. If you consider the circumstances, both of them must be severely traumatized.

Hank was lost and presumed dead in the space between universes for weeks. Avengers AI disbanded. Avengers Academy shuttered its doors. Somehow his romance with Tigra crashed and burned. Hank's life was in shambles and any hopes he had for leaving a positive legacy for the future seemed bleak.

Janet's romance with Havok, the most serious she had ever been with anyone other than Hank, crashed and burned in the worst way. Not only did he give their daughter over to Kang so they could go reset time, but come Wanda's Inversion spell, he brutalized, threatened, and abducted her, and made her fight him off to return to the Avengers. Right after that, she was thrown into Secret Wars and died alongside with the rest of Earth 616 until the multiverse was reconstructed. Janet's life was spiraling out of control.

I'm personally bizarrely fascinated by the idea that the two of them seek each other out for companionship during this period because Jan thinks Hank is the only one who can truly understand the depth of her misery, and in listening to him rant about his life going wrong, she can pretend her tears are for someone other than just herself. Or that Hank is only with Jan because he knows he needs someone, anyone, who can stay with him and confirm that yes, he is alive and needs to remain alive. And then they just spend time chilling out and cuddling and ignoring their friends' calls or previously planned schedules for 24 hours together. Maybe even get in some kisses because they're alive and confused at how they're alive and hurting over being alive, and using physical affection to find something good about being alive that distracts them from the pain in their heads.

It would be the most relentlessly depressing and painful phase of their relationship. And I can't stop thinking about it.

I legit did not realize they were supposed to be together. I haven't read Jan's stories around then, and I just figured Marvel forgot he was dating Tigra because they regularly forget about her and William. My impression had been that they just put everything on Jan as an afterthought because they didn't want to show Hank having other important relationships.

[bl0w-m3]

We had our commercial like break of happiness.

Looks like we’re back to our regularly scheduled programming of misery.