#back on my Buddie bullshit after a couple hours of venting about the finale

[lemotmo]

So, apparently the song playing in the background of the BT date was 'Come Home' by Fell Runner.

These are the lyrics to that song:

Now, I'm not saying this is super important, but it is veeeeeery interesting. 👀👀👀

Buck is on a date with one person, but meanwhile he might just be subconsciously missing someone else? Wishing for that person to come home and be with their man? *cough*Eddie*cough*

😏😏😏

[dynjay]

I’m sorry for the unnecessary strong language and negativity

I’m dealing with a lot of pent up stress and resentment lately and I ended up venting it out here with the most concentrated bitterness that I could possibly cram into a post after what happened yesterday. But I’m aware a lot of younger people follow my blog as well, and I apologize for not censoring/tagging it in an appropriate manner, especially for those who are dealing with their own major issues in their lives as well and look to my blog for more positive vibes.

I didn’t get to say what happened after I made that post because I was so exhausted, but the sweetest thing happened to me soon after and I’d like to share it if you want to hear about it.

The past week, I’ve been working in a place filled with people who either distrust or outright dislike me due to bad experiences of me being socially unaware and being inadequate at my job in the past. Due to the fact that this place has been home to some of my lowest mental moments in my entire life, I also grew to be distrusting of this location, so the resentment was kinda mutual.

Last night, I reached a peak when people were talking smack about me right in front of my face, been monitoring me all day to see wait for me to screw up, and at the end of my shift, I just lost it after a comment that was made and broke down after 6 straight days of concentrated passive-aggression.

A couple of coworkers noticed this and followed me to check if I was alright before needing to go back to work, which I appreciated because I couldn’t even speak properly due to how upset I was. I got to sit down with my supervisor to talk about what’s been happening and she texted one of my closest work buddies what happened today.

2 other coworkers who were going home at the same time as me decided to stick around long enough to let me finish my convo with my supervisor so that they could walk me to my car and we could all piss around in the parking lot hours after being off the clock. I chose not to talk to them about why I got upset, so instead, we ended up exchanging fun life stories to end the day on a lighter note, which was VERY awesome of them. The longer we stayed, the more coworkers started to join our conversations because they were either going to their cars on break or going home.

Then, in the middle of this, I receive a phone call from my WORK BUDDY, telling me he’s on his way here to come visit the workplace to chat with me and everyone, which he ended up sticking around until past 6AM to finally talk to me and find out what’s been happening, which, by itself was such an absurdly thoughtful act. That evening was such a comforting gesture that did nothing but build to be better that by the end of it, it negated 99% of the bullshit that’s been plaguing my week and singlehandedly made me convinced me to believe in some hope for this location :’)

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully. 

[twisted-petal]

To Those Who Thought I Died: I Did

This is going to be quite the lengthy one. I have no clue who is even on here, I have not checked, and I do not care; This is just going to be a massive vent post as I have no one to talk to, and the few who know half of this shit are either gone because of it, or I did not like their responses and I do not feel like dealing with more of it. Some of this will also be me trying to convince myself that I’m not as fucked up as I think I am, and that I truly did what I thought was best to avoid confrontation or whatever bullshit that happened.

“2016 was the worst year ever!!” Many people said this, and for me it’s still 2016. Too many thing have happened since the start of last year, up until now, that have completely shattered who I am was. All that work I put into finding myself, creating myself, and nearly coming to accept my existence. Here I am at ground level.

Most of this shit is my fault, and despite what some have told me, I believe I am to blame for every second of every incident - whether I understand it or not. I am supposed to take responsibility for my own problems as an adult, right?

At the start of last year I got incredibly sick from walking to and from work all winter. As much as I hate taking days off, I just could not function, and they barely had me working any days those three weeks, anyway. I took the bite out of my paycheck. Even though my savings from my previous job were meager, I knew I could take it fine enough (so long as there were no emergencies). This sicky tidbit comes into play later.

Around this time I was also (sort of) dating a co-worker - Corey… After spending more money than I am proud to admit to bake him cupcakes from scratch (I had no baking supplies, either) for Valentine’s Day, he tells me he spent the morning with an ex (who he caught getting plowed by her ex, in their home), and that he realized he still had feelings for her, so who would not come to see me. Gee. I wonder what happened. ¬__¬ Maybe it didn’t. Maybe it did. All I know is that I am too nice for my own good, and yes, he is going to be a major topic throughout this post; I accepted him back.

There was a side to him that truly glowed for me, a part of someone I adore, and a part that he (and many others) does not show anyone else. His passions, his past, his fears, and all sorts of dumb shit. Because of this, and the few times he would surprise me with thoughtful action, I endured far more than I should have. I will get into his sexual guilt, later. Maybe… Iunno, just done talking about him for now.

One of the nice things about him was that if I had a hard time walking home, all I needed to do was make him feel bad enough that I was hurting or that it was pouring rain and he would finally pick me up and take me home because he was worried. To avoid more about him…

Almost three years ago I injured myself at an old job and I was never able to the injury checked out or fixed. No Worker’s Comp as my store manager saw me as a liability since there were no cameras, and she believed I wasn’t following the rules; Ironically enough, this was the one day I was following the rules. Longer story short, as this is a post for 2016-present: I slipped on the stool I needed to reach the top of the trailer (solo truck unloader), twisting my ankle, banging my knee on a point of the metal accordion rollers on my way to the trailer floor, landing on the side of my foot, and twisting it a couple more times. I then continued unloading the truck, helped everyone get the U-Boats (weird carts) in their place, and finished my shift stocking what I was assigned. Then stocked my departments the next day. Aaaannnd just kept on working

At my last job, it was a three mile walk to and from, which I started in fall, along with moving in with a friend’s brother (more on that ordeal, later), and with my already bad knees hating the cold, I was now dealing with an ankle that absolutely despised the cold and gave me Hell. Walk to work, stand at the register, stock shelves, arrange inventory (Christmas trees, lights, various decor, plants, soil/mulch, cement bird baths/lawn statues, grills, mowers, lawn furniture/umbrellas, pots, etc.), run carry-outs/help load trucks and shit, cover other departments, push pallets, and other stuff I should have been doing on my ankle, then finally walk home to take care of my bunny boys, maybe eat some noodles while watching Game Grumps, then sleeeeeep.

It is not news to anyone that as known me for very long at all that I do not like to burden anyone; I do not like asking for/accepting help or complaining/making a fuss over things, nor do I like confrontation. I just deal with shit. I do as I’m told. I see to others’ comforts and needs before my own. I am too nice for my own good. Yet somehow, as I’m about to vent/rant/vrent (about), I got kicked out of where I was. I seriously have no clue why! He legit refused to explain. I asked. The entire time I was there he would not tell me a single fucking thing! Such as: late-night parties I would come home to at midnight, leaving town for 3-7 days where I just assumed the role of cat-sitter (nothing new there, and guess what, more on this in a bit), needing any help around the house or financially, letting me know he lost his job (saw unemployment letters while sorting the mail. I get it’s his business, but we live together and I’m there to help?), if I bothered him in any way, or, just… Anything.

Point being: I wouldn’t ask for a ride, and I would frequently turn offers down. When I had my early morning shifts my roommate offered me a couple rides since he was up early anyway, but after a ride or two I started to feel bad as he ended up needing to wake up earlier to take me. There were a few I accepted because they seemed too concerned to deny, and once or twice I called up my roommate due to some shady characters hanging around me after my shift (when I was scheduled late at night).

Honestly, I did what I could to just stay out of his hair… Cleaning the few dishes I used (generally ate noodle cups - more on this rant and more in a sec) immediately or the next day, didn’t mess with his stuff even though he gave me permission on most things, and avoided asking for assistance or favors or asked to borrow anything, and I tried offering things to help out like buying the washer and dryer I had living with an old boyfriend (so he didn’t have to drive to do his laundry and I didn’t have to walk as I felt bad for asking and he wasn’t offering - though a friend drove me to another town to use his…), and getting Food Stamps to help, as per his request.

Now… Originally I suggested we buy a cheap washer and dryer together, to which he would continuously ignore my messages until finally getting upset saying he didn’t want to, so I bought a set myself. I wasn’t about to haul a sack of laundry for a mile, use up a bunch of quarters, and hike it back every week or so, and I thought I was being helpful in offering to help pay, or even pay for it myself (which ended up happening) if he would just check them out with me. Apparently I did wrong? The only explaination I received was that he just didn’t want to, and that then he wouldn’t have an excuse to drive to his brother’s place to play games… Either way, I told him I was getting them and that he could use them if he wished.

As for the food… I kept him up-to-date on the status of my benefits (when I was getting them and how much), and told him if he wanted to get anything to let me know. Whether that be asking to pick things up from work or go on a shopping trip. The only thing that he ever said were complaints that he only ate ramen (which was far from the truth, and how he couldn’t afford food after I was lowering the amount he paid in rent by paying him is beyond me), but he would never ask, and I was tired of reminding him that I had my card and we could get food. … Correction: He asked me to buy supplies for him to make enchiladas for his fu-friend, but I didn’t get the message until my lunch break at 8pm, sooooo I was too late. My bad… Sorry? I would have… I told him I work ‘til midnight…

So for the most part I would eat cheap burgers at McDonald’s (woo! 10% discount! More than my own employers gave me…), ramen, noodle cups, and other microwave stuff here and there, and he seemed to make a lot of rice dishes so I hiked home with a 20# bag of rice and showed him where it was (he never used it). I was saving my benefits for when he finally took the initiative and offers to finally get food. Ended up getting my benefits cut because of this, which is the main reason I started eating more. Even though I felt horrible for eating at home because he never asked! He’s a big boy. I told him I had them and we could get food. I… Ugh! Repeat rant…

The cat… I miss him dearly… He just showed up one day. I exit my room one afternoon, housemate was gone, and there was a small, black kitten staring at me. He became my little buddy… Always greeting me when I got home and begging me to pick him up so he could rub his face on the bill of my hat efore clawing his way to sit on my shoulders. I played with him every day (freaken high energy thing!), and was training him to fetch and other small commands. I’m a dog person… ^^;

His owner neglected him… His (Ninja’s) bowl would be left empty all day… Brief explaination of the day-to-day: Housemate left for work about 4:30 am (I forget when he would get home, as I would usually be working, and he often wouldn’t get home until much later in the day), and I generally left work around 11am (whatever my shift, I was gone at least 12 hours from a full shift and walking). I checked his bowl every morning and night. Sometimes he would have a few bites left and sometimes it was empty. There were a few days where I was in a rush and didn’t have time to fill it. On these days where it was/near empty, I would get home and the bowl would be empty. He informed me early on that his plan was to keep it filled. I kept it filled.

Oh hey! Character limit! XD I’ve barely begun and only know to extend this by making multiple posts… Posting in reverse so hopefully it’s a more seamless read… If read.