#back in march-may I had this insane streak where I wrote every day | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

eichy815 · 8 years ago

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Social Media Salad

I find it intriguing to do unconventional social experiments. For the past fifty days, I’ve been running one on the folks who are part of my Facebook network – unbeknownst to them.

Beginning on March 13, I’ve gone through my Facebook feed at various times during the day...and randomly grabbed people’s Status Updates...cutting-and-pasting them into one big Microsoft Word Document. I thought it would be a fun little mashup of close to two months’ worth of seemingly random musings from those whom I follow on social media.

For the purposes of this compilation, I’m keeping the writers of each of these Status Updates completely anonymous (although if you follow me on Facebook, you may recognize your own words here). And, although this cacophony of narratives is cherrypicked by me, it’s still a unique little glimpse into the nebula that is Eichy’s Facebook-Network.

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With all the criminals in Gotham City, you’d think they’d build a military base instead of depending on Batman all the friggin’ time. Jeez...

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Republicans want everyone to have access to insurance in the same way you have access to a ride while standing in the middle of a highway.

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It’s 5:10pm. I swear, it was only yesterday this time it was 4:10. Damn!

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I wasn’t at the Science March yesterday because I was part of the control group.

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The saddest thing in the world is that cats have no idea how popular they are on the Internet.

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There’s a part of myself that usually wants to go full-Lohan on here, but I know it wouldn’t accomplish anything or make anything better for anyone..

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Society likes telling us how we’re all unique and individual until they want to generalize negativity. Then it throws us all in one boat.

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Why do I keep arguing with people too stupid to know they are stupid? That makes me stupider than them.

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As much as I hate the Soviet Union, I will give them credit for defeating Nazi Germany.

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I made vegan French toast!

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Vertigo and migraines, yay!

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All the Bernie backers who are hating on Tulsi and now Canova are insane.

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Why do people want to be famous? Just wondering...

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I dislike DINOs waaaay more than I dislike Republicans.

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Communism jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.

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Old Mexican ladies be complaining about back pain but put on some cumbias and they’re dancing away like nothing! Just a little observation...

[[[ON-EDIT: the person who wrote this post was a Latino individual.]]]

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Calculating diluted earnings per share with conversions...and I’m surprised I have a brain left after this.

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Sundays are for lounging and figuring out what to bake for wifey’s birthday...

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When your gay best friend wants to play games where you work.

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Some people have made it clear they don’t care about me as a person. The feeling is more than mutual. If you love me, I love you.

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Who has a ten-year plan or goal? Share if you’re inclined. I’m curious what people are doing with long term goals nowadays. I just graduated my son, so now what?

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I’m not “passive-aggressive.” I’m “aggressive-aggressive.”

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Just went surfing in the ocean for the first time. Whoever coined the phrase “surfing the internet” has never been surfing.

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Well damn, just broke my cat tree. They are going to be pissed.

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Anyone have any good suggestions for mindless activities that require no physical movement and no cognitive or abstract thinking?

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Too many television shows are trying to teach me life lessons that I don’t want to think about and my body doesn’t want to sleep yet.

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You know you’re getting old when loud teenagers at the mall start making you curse whoever gave birth to such obnoxious little demon spawn.

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I went to bed looking forward to sleeping like a baby through storms as I usually do. I have been tossing and turning to what sounds like Syria getting bombarded outside. I’ve never seen so much lightening or heard so much loud thunder. I can only imagine the flooding around here this morning.

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Accidentally wore red in a Target today. Only got mistaken for an employee once.

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You are your own worst enemy.

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I hate when people accuse me of being arrogant when I’m really just the only one in the room who’s right.

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Alas, I have resigned to copious alcohol consumption in self-loathing for the night.

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Last night, after 48 miserable hours of Claritin which were just indescribably awful, I was feeling derealized from my body and noticed my arms looked big and that I couldn’t pinch them. So, I guess I am allergic to the stuff. I feel fine now, thanks to the Benadryl I took as the time zone changed. Somehow this just feels really ironic.

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The best thing about everything is the other stuff.

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Please understand there are lots of people who will make money from you remaining ignorant, self-righteously indignant, and full of hate.

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I had no idea who April The Giraffe was until about 10 minutes ago. Excuse my ignorance, but what is the focus/hype on this particular giraffe giving birth? Was she endangered?

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The problem with saying that I will hit the gym after this cup of coffee is...the closer to the bottom of the cup I get...the more reluctant I become to finish my coffee. Ha! HELP!!!

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Does anyone else think Jeff Sessions looks like he should be tightly wrapped in a hospital sheet while being spoon fed by a burly orderly?

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Five more minutes until glorious cheesy puffs...yummo.

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You are not “woke” until you realize how little you really know.

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For a lifelong insomniac who gets frequent headaches like me, Daylight Savings Time is like someone playing the drums on your worst sunburn.

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All that cutting out a large amount of conservatives from my FB has done is shine a light on how awful liberals are.

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Looks like I am going to be writing an offer on a house for a first time home buyer! I love helping families with their first home.

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I’ve been waking up to concussion-like headaches lately

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R.I.P., Joanie. Chachi wasn’t the only one who loved you; we all did.

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Someone just tried to convince me the Grand Canyon used to be full of water. Uhm, honey, I’m FROM Arizona, I think I’d know. It was dug by the Pilgrims to throw their dead horses in after the Oregon Trail, dumbass. That’s why there are streaks at the bottom of it. That’s from the wagons.

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Do you ever have those friends on your Facebook, that act like the drunk dude that snuck in to the party, and starts harassing everyone...and you’re like, how the hell did he get in here? A couple of those just seem to show up every once in a while.

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The half marathon beat my butt today; I told myself I’d be happy just to finish, but to finish under 3 hours would be great (especially since I didn’t really train). I finished in 2 hours 59 minutes, and 43 seconds!! I’ll take it. Can’t wait for next year and I’ll be ready for the hills that time.

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Mulching is done. The best calculated estimate I thought would do the job in its entirety was 15, maybe 20 bags, max. 54 bags later...Four days since commencing the project and the “Premium” mulch that hit the ground on the first day is already fading. Thank you, Home Depot.

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Take your meds, Kellyanne.

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Biggest lesson learned from this past weekend: Drinking champagne whilst in the hot tub with birthday cake in your tummy, jets turned all the way up...probably not the best idea.

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When you’re on a juice cleanse and your hometown doesn’t have a cold press juicery.

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My smart phone is getting dumber.

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So, I’m standing in line at Subway, and the lady ahead of me says she wants to get wheat bread since she is on a diet. She proceeds to get extra cheese and heavy Ranch Dressing. I really, really want to advise her against that.

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Everywhere I turn, traffic and traffic. Fuck, Florida, get your shit together.

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I just saw someone with a purple iPhone case in the shape of a cough syrup bottle.

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People who back into parking spaces don’t deserve a long and prosperous life.

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Had my sister pick me up some Popeye’s from the big city, which would be awesome but they forgot TWO of the sides. People tryna feed they kids here. No slaw and no mac = whack. Spicy chicken and butterfly shrimp better make up for it.

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It’s funny that people hate you because of their own ignorance.

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I’m out of cereal. My world just shattered around me.

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I hate when people who unfriend me are smiling in their profile pics. The least they could do is not look so damn happy about it.

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I have always thought that the expression “women and children” is sexist, basically putting women in the same category as children.

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I’m beginning to think I need some kind of awning or something for my balcony, because I’m sitting out here trying to use my laptop and enjoy breakfast when, really, all I’m doing is damaging my eyes probably by straining them to see this computer screen.

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“Oh! What a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.”

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“Everyone in the USA is living on indigenous stolen land wrongfully! It was taken from Native Americans!”

– People living in the USA who, when confronted about it, refuse to live elsewhere.

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There is critique and then there is trolling. One is actually productive.

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If by “political purist” you mean that I won’t support bombing children overseas, taking money from working-class Americans to enrich corporations, and I expect to not be lied to by my own government...then, yeah, I’m a political purist.

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Anyone who advocates for Sharia law deserves to live under it.

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Has that giraffe seriously not fucking given birth yet?

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That banging you’re hearing is the collective sound of everyone in the South throwing away their microwaves because they’re afraid the CIA is spying on them.

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I learned how to make chicken and rice, and it’s amazing!!! My new staple diet.

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“Is it ever really divisive to resist aligning yourself with your oppressor?”

That seems to be the thought process. “Just grin and bear it,” but never dare complain about it.

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I have two extra tickets to Chris Rock tomorrow night in Milwaukee. Orchestra-level seating, 12 rows from the stage. Let me know if interested willing to sell them at a discount

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The MSM is trying to pass off these articles that would normally be found in The Onion ... as “real news.”

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Even if he doesn’t like the results, Shia LaBeouf has taken social media art to a whole new level.

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I love seeing all these photos of kids in Purim costumes and smiling families. Bonus points, however, to whoever posts a photo of their child throwing a fit over their costume cause those photos are adorable too. Although probably easier for me to say since I’ve never had to deal with that...

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Fuck this day. I’m done.

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The problem with health care? It’s an inelastic commodity, and politicians are treating it as though it were elastic.

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So glad it’s 7 PM and it’s not fully dark yet. Yay longer days. I’ll be getting drunk on my balcony every day after work soon enough.

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AND, HERE’S A HANDFUL OF SOME PEOPLE’S LONGER STATUS UPDATES...

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If you put your baby stroller in front of the exit of the bus, and you’re extremely hostile towards any request to move it from the exit, don’t be surprised when I refuse to hurdle over it and kick it out into the street. I asked you twice to please move it, bitch. You told me to just jump over it. Fuck you, have fun with no stroller, woman.

The next person who gets in my face today is getting hit.

Disclaimer: Obviously, there wasn’t any children being kicked into the street.

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I will never forget this one time a few years ago that I was at a Chinese restaurant and the guy in front of me asked for a ton of extra duck sauce. It occurred to me that I had never seen anybody I know personally ever actually put the duck sauce on anything, so I asked him, “Hey what are you supposed to put that on?”

He looked at me incredulously for a couple of seconds like I was a bunch of macaroni penguins stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat and a wig trying to pose as a human, and he says, “The chicken, man. You put it on the chicken.” Then walks out, shaking his head at the world.

Anyway, Happy Earth Day, earthlings.

We may not always understand each other, but a lot of you are really alright.

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If you’re going to put pineapple on a pizza, it must be FRESH pineapple cut in substantial uneven chunks and not that yucky canned stuff, and it must be on the pizza when it goes in the oven so its sugars can caramelize a bit. Then it’s awesome.

Otherwise, I can understand why people think pineapple on pizza is disgusting. Canned pineapple put on the pizza after the fact is an abomination. In fact, I’m gonna just come right out and say canning pineapple should be against the law.

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I’ve hit upon an analogy I like for moving back to SoCal after 11 years in Vegas.

At first, you think every problem you have is solved and you can’t stop feeling elated that the things you only dreamed about are now part of your daily reality again. (For me, it’s the ocean, perfect year-round temperature and the vegetarian restaurants Native Foods and Veggie Grill.)

The analogy is getting released from prison. It’s a perfect one. Because four months later, you realize that you can’t get a steady job, that most of your money goes just to rent and that most of your friends are still on the inside.

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Acceptable items to put into a washing machine: clothes, towels, detergent, fabric softener.

Unacceptable items to put into a washing machine: glass.

I’m too tired to deal with this.

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Okay, Pennsylvanians. Let’s have a little chat about how our taxes are at risk of skyrocketing soon.

Why? Well, 4 bills just passed the PA House and now face the Senate, threatening to privatize our liquor and wine sales. “But that’s not a tax,” you say. Not directly, no. But the reason our taxes are so low, and clothing/groceries aren’t taxed at all, is because we get that money elsewhere.

Last year alone, the PLCB brought in half a BILLION dollars to the state. That’s after paying our wages, buying inventory, paying for our stores (leased from private owners), and everything else that goes into upkeep of the state stores. Without the state stores, that money will have to come from somewhere else. Currently there are only TWO sources of state revenue: taxes, and alcohol sales. That $500 million would have to shift over to taxes.

I can’t convince people to care about the thousands of quality jobs that would be lost. I can’t make people care about my job. But hopefully we’re all on the same page regarding NOT wanting to pay more taxes. The only people who would benefit from privatization are Walmart’s CEOs and some rich bankers.

So contact your senators and tell them to vote against privatization.

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I was driving on Hwy 51 near the Hwy 30 intersection...I saw on one of the light poles with about 7 pigeons. Across the street were 5 pigeons on a pole. Next to them were 2 crows on a pole.

The rest of the poles were empty of birds. I think they were waiting for a fender bender. There are a ton of them at that intersection.

I didn’t notice if they were eating popcorn.

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Favorite new thing. Watching people Unfriend me. :)

I added the Social Fixer app to the Chrome Browser, and now it shows a -4 or whatever, to note who’s Unfriended me.

When clicking on their face, it’s like...

Yeah... No, Donald J. Trump is not our Savior and just because I had something harshly critical about Hillary or the Democratic Party doesn’t mean I’m a Sociopath like you.

And Yep. Clinton Supporters who won’t consider what has to change. You liked the thing about Trump going away with the Aliens, but, no, you wouldn’t be happy with what I say, either. Truth is not your Friend, and if you’re unwilling to hear what you don’t prefer...

In each case... it’s fun to see because it ain’t me, babe.

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This darn dog watches every move I make, and has my routine down pat. He sees me getting dressed...and if he sees me putting on my work clothes he gets really downcast. But if he sees me putting on regular clothes he perks right up, because he knows we are going somewhere. (Except for work, I pretty much take him everywhere with me.) I fooled him good just now, though. I was already dressed from when I took him on his walk, but then I decided to change leggings because the ones I had on were too thick for such a gorgeous day. He perked up big time, thinking we were going for a ride. I almost feel bad for getting his hopes up.

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OK, I have a funny flashback story about my parents to share. This dates back to early 2005:

My parents have driven my sister to the mall to shop for what I think was a graduation dress and shoes. My dad only went because he needed lunch, and after they ate at the food court, my mother and sister went shopping for the clothing and my dad did his own thing. When they met back up at the food court about 2 hours later, my dad was holding a bag and announced he had bought himself a white polo shirt.

When they got home, my dad tried on the polo shirt and was irritated that the shirt didn’t fit. Keep in mind, my dad is 6 feet, 4 inches tall, so even with the most loose-fitting shirts at, say, J.C. Penney, he still needs at least an extra-large size.

He told my mother that the polo shirt didn’t fit, and my mother asks him what size he got; he answered that he bought an XXL.

MOM: “Well that should’ve fit you. Where did you buy the shirt?” DAD: “Some store in the mall called Hollister.” MOM: (eyes rolling now and she raises her voice): “Honey, no wonder that shirt didn’t fit!! Hollister is a YOUNG MEN’S clothing store!!!

My dad did NOT quite understand that concept. And that is the consequence of spending all your weekends sitting on the couch watching golf. But don’t feel for my mom too much. I once had to explain to her that the sports bar called Hooters was NOT a reference to owls.

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I once arrived at an Occupy protest with a copy of the WSJ tucked under my prep-school hoodie with a Starbucks cup in my hand and realized that was pretty much the story of my life.

Tomorrow I will be oppressing the proletariat, as usual, from my cubicle in a skyscraper in the financial district. Conveniently, I’ll probably have to work late, so hopefully the street wars will be over by the time I’m ready to leave. If you want to protest the fact that Trump sucks by killing a progressive queer trying to earn a living, you’ll find me on 3rd around sunset, on my way to a rendezvous with the past somewhere south of the city that involves a close brush with the god of war in 2005. It involves a psychopath and people of many species.

Cheers, and happy Tukwila Day / May Day!

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OKAY, THAT’S ALL THE “SOCIAL MEDIA SALAD” THAT I HAVE TO SHARE, TODAY...

Hey, I *do* have better things to do with my time. Maybe in a few months I’ll compile another one of these.

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