#b) Look at that outfit dude. that could be a doctor fit

[burnedself]

Ok hear me out AGAIN--

[legionofpotatoes]

black widow thonks with spoilers under the cut. because I'm a marvel retrospective blog now I guess

(being in cinemas again is exciting. leave me alone)

A Movie. fits right into that mcu sweet spot of better than I feared, worse than I hoped

better because the first half does seemingly functional dramatic setups, doesn't shy away from quiet moments of interiority, tries to establish a bespoke narrative to operate in, has a weird enough opening that you can chalk up to it being "good" until we see how it's all addressed later on

worse cause second half is an mcu's greatest hits bonanza with clunky payoffs and reverse engineered catharsis shoehorning emotional development into some sort of avengers-need-me endpoint like it's a fridge being pushed into a carry-on suitcase with "franchise continuity" written on it

yelena/florence absolutely delightful. if she's taking over the character that could be nice! I think that girl has very pretty eyes. her acting/humor/accent was very good and really the only functional relationship with natasha in this entire ass movie

adjacent thought: accents overall were good, but some "major" beats were delivered in straight-up russian and. eurgh. horrible pronunciation. weird how this stuff doesnt get vetted on big boy hollywood sets. meanwhile they have one actual russian actor and they're mute the whole time. baller

re: clunky payoffs. major dramatic beat in the end is "sorry I left you, sister" despite the opening showing us the exact opposite. natasha fiercely protecting her from shit dad. whereas the actual defection from the red room is explained away in words and pieces across the movie. "show don't tell" isn't a tired platitude, and would help a LOT here if we saw that moment fit in the dramatic coherence of their past relationship chronologically. feels trivial but catharsis really is just setups and payoffs and making them CLEAR to follow. feel confident complaining about this more than anything else tbh

lots of other examples but this one felt easiest to "get right" in existing framework. other stuff like relationship with rest of the widows/dreykov/his daughter all harder to wrap my head around despite feeling short-changed overall. and like I can't claim to be able to doctor movie scripts or anything

but the parents! what the fuck! way to waste david harbour and rachel weisz! how is his shitty psychology not interrogated/prodded in any way. I did nothing wrong because my daughters grew up into effective brainwashed killers. makes them sad when I say that for some reason. here's a lil song I remember from back when I was lying to you about everything. feel better and move forward please, need to brag more about being cool

mom was overall better handled but the double-triple-quadruple turncoating at the end with constant callbacks and timeline cuts let all the air out of any possible dramatic payoff. functionally speaking it all literally happened in that closet while they were swapping outfits I guess? and we see bits and pieces of it for the sake of plot and not emotion? Weird Choice. but that's just me. idk

you can really tell the exact moment an mcu script hits "fuck it" and throws hands in air as nonsense plot device meter hits peak readings. aggression cancelling man-pheromones was that moment for me. literally what the fuck lmao. I guess the writers room felt strongly about it cause it fits as a wacko metaphor? for a dude manipulating and abusing women? okay. you know. good choice in an espionage thriller. I think it's fucking stupid still! and at the very LEAST warranted some sort of setup/foreshadowing to be less jarring

I get this entirely unjustifiable schadenfreude when fan favorite characters are fucked with. I imagined angry nerds frothing at the mouth about taskmaster and it brought me so much joy. I am truly not gloating I know this is a bad feeling to have. it's evil and judgmental and says more about me than anyone else.

gotta hand it a lil bit to the nerds though, having the character at least be able to speak and articulate motives/relation to natasha/at least express interiority through physical moments would be nice (good nearby example: winter soldier in cap 2). set up your mystery character reveals ya ding dongs. and be a bit heavyhanded about them if needed I promise it's okay. but when did drama and story matter more than plot to marvel? I generally found taskmaster a great overall story beat on paper but it's all the clunky drama around them that failed the execution. more context around That Moment in budapest, a few insert shots of physical micro expressions, actual dialogue during the reveal, idk. probably not as easy to improve this and I'm being a bit flippant but it really does look good on paper to me but then it all feeling empty and pointless by the end is not something I can deny

the incredibly hot dude natasha keeps around for Spy Stuff Procurement. whose name I already forgot. would be nice to give him a Moment, yannow. he literally IS a plot device with no dramatic function around him. everything he did/motivated in the plot could easily be written into nat's pov to save runtime. so why include him at all? it's not like big corporations tend to chase after tokenism in their tentpole films right fellas

so. natasha. the actual titular person in the middle of all this. I can be a bit high brow with my semiotic dissection of these potato salad movies but the fact that your main hero should.. like. change somehow. by the end of a movie. isn't that the whole point of storytelling? flawed personhood goes through crucible of personal challenge and achieves meaningful change. I feel like drama needs to really be blasted at me full-force, because maybe I missed it but did natasha change?

her big mission statement in the end is something like. "turns out I have two families, time to fix the other one". but a) the current one is still fucked up (but okay, it's really about yelena, I'll give it a pass), and b) sort of implies that THIS movie is what spurred her to stop being on the run alone and decide to instead be on the run with steve. which is. a baffling emotional result because why couldn't she do it earlier. we need to know these reasons to make any of this mumbo jumbo work. why was she not with steve in the beginning? "I'm better off alone" throwaway lines probably, yeah. I don't remember. okay why then? interrogate her self-isolation motives a bit more? tie them somehow in her catharsis with yelena? fucking. setups and payoffs. riddle your films with them and make them CLEAR and I PROMISE it's so much more satisfying. I mean for me it is. if you got anything out of her declaration in the end, in all honesty, power to ya

...no sorry I can't get over the attack canceling man pheromones it's so fucking stupid lmao

[oldfritz]

this was surprisingly hard because half of them I wanted to throw in f, but then felt guilty about it so here’s where we are. explanations under the cut to be nice (fair warning: I’m writing this while tipsy so this is a journey)

S-tier

Old Fritz: look me in the eyes. look at me. are you looking? good. where else was I was going to put him? where? in C with the other losers? foolish. I am ruining my life for this man, I’m going to go into debt so I can be moderately qualified to write books on him so Tim Blanning and Christopher Clark don’t boo my off the stage. I sit here sometimes and I’m like ‘y’know, I would start a podcast to talk about his life’ as if I’m some straight white guy who thinks any of you want to listen to me for an hour. he’s a bastard, a smug bastard, and is the epitome of self-destructive tendencies. and, honestly, I wouldn’t mind if he wasn’t so fucking misogynistic all the time. ‘oh women aren’t fit to rule’ shut up Fritz before I time travel to fuck your wife and make her have one night where life feels worthwhile. but he’s funny, I enjoy how he does foreign policy, and he’s unfortunately relatable to me. cheers, Fritz. here’s to never being satisfied from one gay disaster with anger issues to another. may we burn in hell together

A-tier

Friedrich iii: “Suzanne, he was only on the throne for 99 days!! how can he be this high up when some of these bastards refused to die?” I hear you, my friends, and I have answers. I’ll tell you two words you’ll be shocked to hear put together: liberal Hohenzollern. a rare breed, isn’t it? imagine, friends, a world where he got over his throat cancer because he listened to a doctor and we get through the 1910s, 20s, even the 30s without Wilhelm II Electric Boogaloo being in power. Prussia is still on the map, the Anglo-Prussian alliance is strong, and I live in peace. but no. this stupid man had to keep smoking. because he’s selfish and doesn’t care about my needs. you know, he actually loved his wife. rare in this family. loved her and wasn’t abusive. the bar is so low, guys. and his wife is amazing too, Victoria. the world would’ve been in competent hands if they’d been in power longer (and Bismarck would’ve been out of a job still but at least these guys are smart. their son inherited grandma Vicki’s IQ). I would sleep with both of them and would thank them for the honor (when it should always be the other way around, remember that)

B-tier

Friedrich I: if your name is Friedrich and only Friedrich, we’re buds. that’s my rule. I have to give him credit where credit’s due. he was the first. while I agree with Fritz in his proscription that he was ‘small in big ways and big in small ways’ (I may have flipped that around), he wasn’t a bad guy. he just was born into the wrong job for him. I appreciate that he rode on his father’s coattails of proving useful to the Habsburgs and did a little himself to get that sweet, sweet kingship. smart move. I also like that he saw Louis XIV and said to himself “I stan, I kin, on God we’re gonna do that’ and tried. only for have his stupid, ungrateful, unclassy son to do away with that. I, too, am a woman of luxury and self-indulgance and if I had all the riches of Brandenburg and Prussia at the time (not much), I would spend them ridiculously on outfits and music and art. now, what did he do as king? what policy legacy did he leave behind? that’s a good one :)

C-tier

Friedrich Wilhelm III: now as a king he sucks. and I stand by this because, you know, he lost to him *imagine me pretending to be short and saying ‘oui, oui’ in a bad french accent*. and as any proper Englishwoman I can’t support a monarch who goes around losing to the French unless their name is Mary I. but, he’s a pathetic little man. he really is. so indecisive, so unsure of himself. what are you doing little guy? you think because your last name is Hohenzollern, God thinks you’re a good king? well it is like 1805 and, while divine right isn’t really being used as much, it’s as good as any reason on why you’re the chosen one and my family is eating dirt in Sicily and on the Scottish border. he’s really just a dude, nothing extraordinary about him except that his wife was the only one with brains and was the first to establish that (sorry Wilhelm I). he cried when he found out that his children didn’t call him ‘papa’ and went into a deep depressive state when his wife suddenly died. he’s an average man, of average abilities, but of big heart. and the big heart is what bumps him up, for me, from his old place as an F to a C. though, his moralizing is tedious

Friedrich Wilhelm II: this man should have partied with Mick Jagger and Keith Richards. everyone’s got that one ruler whose all about sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll. for the US it’s JFK, for the UK it’s Margaret Thatcher Charles II, France has Louis XIV. Prussia has this guy and we should thank him. so many mistresses, so much sex, so much revelry and debauchery and sin! this guy’s personal life is like a treasure trove of political and sexual intrigue. if you’re into that - as I am as a town gossip - you’ll love him. I am constantly amazed by the fact that some STD didn’t kill him. syphilis, herpes, crabs. something, man, anything. but he didn’t. he’s a shit king though. absolutely horrible. all he did was whine that he didn’t get taught anything by Uncle Fritz and, yes, that’s not good if it’s true (but it’s not completely because the treatises are detailed but I guess he didn’t have time to read) but c’mon. actually apply yourself and learn on the job. I know that would’ve required him to not be balls deep somewhere, but unfortunately he’s not Dorian Gray. there’s work that needed to be done and he didn’t do it. boo!!

D-tier

Wilhelm I: apparently he was a good guy, unlike the other 3 who populate the lowest rungs of Prussian kinghood. so I give him that and I can respect that. but what did he do? what were his own ideas? I thought about putting Bismarck as king instead because, really, he was. Bismarck was a minister who ran around the king’s back to set things up exactly as he liked and it fucking worked because he was the brains. his wife was intelligent too, but theirs wasn’t a wamr and loving marriage. and Bismarck worked to get Wilhelm to distrust her because she was liberal and the fact that Wilhelm would listen to Otto even if it meant allowing himself to be drowned in the Rhine is pathetic. fun party at Versailles though. hope it was worth the war reparations

F-tier (bastard time) I’m going in a different order because I want to go from the ones I hate least to most xoxo

Friedrich Wilhelm IV: “I won’t accept a crown from the gutter” then you won’t accept a crown at all, stupid idiot! god, the smugness. the authoritarian impulses. I know it was the cool thing in 1848 to put down any revolts/protests with as much force as possible, but man, at least the Habsburgs were transparent. homie was like “yeah guys lol I’ll make a constitution and it’ll be epic! you’ll have so many rights! xoxo gossip girl” and then...nope. and AND he wanted the Habsburgs in charge of things too! Mr. ‘I’m Nostalgic For When HRE Was Great And We Blew Austrian Dick!’ grow up man. it’s Prussia time buddy, Austria is beginning to fall apart. don’t look to the past, look to the future, but you didn’t have that vision did you?

Wilhelm II: *banging pots and pans* I blame this man for everything! now, intellectually, does Germany take all the blame for WWI? no, that’s foolish and propaganda of the Allies only. if you’re a European power in 1914, you get to share the blame (ex: why did UK need to make this a naval arms race? Austria should’ve declared war on Serbia sooner if that’s what it wished to do. Russia, please stay out of the Balkans then and forever). but does my irrational hatred of Wilhelm blind me to this truth when I see his stupid face and that ugly fucking mustache that I wish to yank off? my god, yes. I see him and Rule Britannia and The Yanks Are Coming start playing so loud in my head and I’m like ‘yeah, the kaiser’s gonna pay.’ I’m sorry that Bismarck’s ego was bigger than yours but did you have to prove him right by getting incompetent buffoons who were playing checkers when he set the board up for chess to replace him? Did you have to prove Freud right by displacing private problems onto public life with your little tit-for-tat with George IV (VI?) because his mummy loved you more? Why did you need to fuck every naval vessel you saw like an inferior of Peter the Great who believed he was Sir Francis Drake? but that’s just the first war and he lived to see things setting up for the second. wasn’t in convenient for you to be close with the N@zis when you thought they might want a king back on the throne and you could reclaim your little tyrant. like every goddamn Prussian conservative or Junker, you thought you could play the tyrannical cockroach. sure, you figured out earlier that he was no pal, but you still collaborated and you still allowed yourself to get played like the weak man of conscience you are. cheers!

Friedrich Wilhelm I: ladies and gentleman, the moment you’ve all been waiting for! the biggest bastard straight outta Berlin, FW1! and who doesn’t love an abusive father? who doesn’t love a man, so insecure and pathetic, that he needs to terrorize children to be able to look at himself and have a little pride. I understand that it was because he wanted his kids, specifically Fritz, to be best. but being best and perfect meant being miniature versions of him and aren’t we supposed to want our children to be better than a carbon-copy of a small man? honestly, I could live with the occasional smack for this time period. it’s within the norm and, while horrible, isn’t irreparably damaging. this guy really had to beat the shit out of Fritz and Wilhelmina and I’m sure Augustus and Henry and Amalia and all the others (so many kids) didn’t get spared either because if you hit one, you’ll hit ‘em all. and I judge them for their flaws all the same but, for some of them, it gets hard to. because what fighting chance did they have when their father was telling them how worthless they were and beating them senseless and threatening death and life imprisonment on some? I’m constantly impressed by Henry and Fritz and Wilhelmina for amounting to any semblance of maturity, even though it’s always fleeting, because this man didn’t give them the tools to be functioning adults. but each of them managed to be greater than their father, as did Amalia managing a really cool coup in Sweden. and what did FW1 get? he built up his army, had a tall guy fetish, increased the treasury, and made the cabinet and executive offices more efficient. there used to be this one guy on here that would argue that that was all a good king made and that this lowlife didn’t deserve the contempt he got by some on here (an obvious vague of me) for his behavior as a father. and maybe I’m a crackpot, but I believe the quality of a man outshines all those other achievements and that that’s meaningless to me, in my personal life. and when I get to hell, before I go to any of these other men, I’ll go to him and ask him how hell’s fires feel because, if his God was real, it would never love him. and that’s beautiful

[luuxxart]

GIVE US THE NEW WARRIORS HEADCANONS UR REDESIGNS ARE AMAZINGJAKMAKWJDKSL💖💖💖

aaaa omG thank you!! :’D I’m actually strangely attached to these characters so I’ll try to do my best to explain the design choices I made and everything

ok so here we go.

SCREENTIME

* first off

* Not an entirely bad name??

* I would prefer Worm tho as a reference to the Morris Worm

* And I did make his design a little more wormy. Kinda Doc Ock-ish.

* So his tragic backstory... Well. Long long ago... when he was just a little kid... his dad fucked his mom.

* Jkjkjkjk. But it would be better than fucking “internet gas.”

* To take this in a darker route, I think it would be cool if his grandad had been experimenting with creating cyborgs and turned his dad into one. And then turned Screentime into one. So Screentime escaped sort of half-finished and is just trying to help others who might mirror his situation of abuse.

* I like to think his first superhero story was he was just like fucking buying bulk ramen and then hears a dude harassing a girl in the next aisle over and is like. huh. word. guess I can intimidate this guy by threatening to take his fucking social security and make it public knowledge.

* Bc he can hook up to the internet and updates his database frequently so he can just Mr. Robot people.

* He’s probably like 18 or 19. Never was schooled and college is kinda pointless when you have the whole internet in your brain.

* So he’s just living in a rundown apartment. Payin bills by doing odd jobs and doin bitcoin stocks.

* On the battlefield, he’d definitely be a mind games kind of guy, but he’d also use his worm limbs for dexterity and could probably discharge bursts of electricity at the cost of losing some information in his database.

* Also it’s probably really hard to tell, but Screentime is my favorite out of the original designs.

TRAILBLAZER

* again! Not a bad name at all!

* Made me think of fire though... and hiking... so

* We really don’t have much information on these characters so they were kinda fun to play around w and I think she was my favorite in terms of concepts.

* Also what the fuck are those red things on her head am I just fucking dumb???

* They look like devil horns. So I’m gonna run with it.

* Ok so she got a backpack from a god.

* Well that god was a god of Hell and also her godfather. Her actual father was another god of Hell. And idk how gods really work in the Marvel universe?? But I think there’s probably at least some high-ranking demons of Hell. I think Hell exists??? If I remember Doctor Strange correctly? (Maybe not Doctor Strange... bro everything is so hard to keep up with)

* Anyway, her dad was killed by some hero traveling through Hell at some point probably. And so she’s been preparing since to go avenge him.

* Then she gets to earth and is kinda like... well, avenging can wait.

* And the reason she can’t just get anything she wants out of the backpacks is because the backpacks are alive. But over time as she gains their trust, they start to become more and more useful. So, like magikarp to gyarados.

* her outfit was so fucking hard to redesign. like,,, I still don’t like it. The backpacks and stuff yes. Everything else no. But it’s better than the Neon Nightmare.

* Her powerset shouldn’t be limited to just her backpacks though. I saw a lot of people complain about that. Bc anyone could steal them from her and use them?

* So I think she should have superhuman strength. Also, her backpacks should only respond to her command. It’d be cute if they were also kinda cheeky about it. Bc yeah she’s a spoiled little brat. But she’s their spoiled little brat so they’re not opening up for anybody but her.

* She’s defo the youngest of the group

* Even if she is an immortal demon kid lol

S

bro I can’t even say it

I’m renaming them Shuriken. Effective immediately.

SHURIKEN

* So Shuriken is non-binary. Which I think is really cool! They’re not the first non-binary character that Marvel has,, bc Loki exists,, but while they’re not a good step forward... they’re a step forward nonetheless and I kinda commend them for at least trying.

* But goddamnit why did they have to go and name them S

* Sn

* please don’t make me say it

* So Shuriken has ice powers that are sort of threatening to take them over. Like if Iceman couldn’t control his powers ig. Their powers sort of came to them mysteriously in the middle of them already having a gender crisis and high school is happening and all that blah and now they’re just like,,, so ,, “superheroing seems to be a good venture right now. Maybe I’ll find myself in heroics and forget about everything else”

* And most of the heroic ideal is on their brother, ,,,, uh,,,, Quarterback,,, who idolizes the “classic” heroes like Cap, Iron Man, and Thor.

* Shuriken prefers reading news stories about Night Slasher and Punisher, Jessica Jones, and just generally, the other edgier heroes.

* But because their brother idolizes heroics so much, it makes it sort of a surprise when Shuriken takes up their mantle before Quarterback realizes anything is going on.

* And how does the ice stuff affect them? They’re sort of on the fence about finding a cure and whatnot. Most people speculate its like later-in-life mutation, but Shuriken isn’t satisfied with this answer.

*they sometimes chop off the spiky ice parts for convenience(they have no feeling in the frozen over parts of their body)

*(I’m toying with the idea of them having a crush on Ms. Marvel ngl)

QUARTERBACK

* not much to say about him? Other than goddamn that neon was terrible.

* Also I’ve seen jocks wear pink, so some youtube dudes complaining about that can fuck off. Maybe not that bright of a shade?

* But I figure with a defensive character, you would definitely want a bulkier frame. At least Power Man levels of a bulky frame? Like I’m not talking Hulk or Thing. Just.. yknow. At least a good Cap size dude.

* Also a blockier costume would make sense. Since he’s supposed to be. Uh. Safe. For people to like,, crowd behind. Like a safe

* Like a safe sp

* Like a

* safespace.

* I also like to think he was sort of a stereotypical jock and then here comes his little sibling (by like,, 7 minutes) who’s finally just like “yo fuck the gender spectrum” and so he finally opens up to his own interests that he’s been burying

* Like the color coral

* Which is definitely not pink my dudiest of dudes ;)

* He’s definitely more

* CHILL

* than Shuriken about the whole ice taking over his body thing. Like, at the end of the day, he’s still a jock even if he did turn out to be a mutant. Like , the world didn’t just end because he’s got some cool ice powers

* Also only being able to create a shield if it’s for others?? What a fucking joke man come on

* He can create platforms of ice and just mainly uses the ice as shields.

B-NEGATIVE

* OK THIS IS MY SON

* not the original he kinda just looked like he took one look at Welcome to the Black Parade and said “I can do that outfit. But crappier.”

* Listen,,,, I constructed a son

* It’s like that thing from that movie

* I was like

* “We can rebuild him...”

* is that fucking robocop

* At any rate, yeah yeah, Morbius stuff is still withstanding

* What if

* And hear me out

* His parents were sort of antivax sort of anti-mutant sort of folk. They get into some sort of car accident when he’s kinda young. He gets a blood transfusion against his parent’s wishes and in the end also gets adopted by this weirdass doctor who probably has some nefarious purpose, considering he used Morbius’ blood in the first place.

* This would explain how he could survive having vampirism since a doctor would probably have easier access to donated blood and stuff.

* Should the blood be going to people who actually need a transfusion? yes, however, this doctor is clearly ,, off his fucking rocker and corrupt as hell,, and what is his purpose?? The world may never know

* I don’t think B-Negative cares about anything. Like he just seems like that kind of character? Totally and inherently aloof and selfish because he’s just been fed blood on a silver spoon his whole life?

* Just does not care

* He does care about music though. Specifically rock(alternative, punk, hard, etc) and the history of it.

* me personally I really like Pink Floyd and I’m not going to,, shove my beliefs onto a character but

* I’m going to shove my beliefs onto a character and say his favorite song of all time is probably Welcome to the Machine

* And he probably will not shut up about how righteous of a song it is and how pertinent the message is

* Bc I think it fits,,, a lot of things about the stuff I’ve wrote with the backstories of these characters

* and yes

* he can perfectly mimic Great Gig in the Sky. the man!! has pipes!!!

* I also think it would be cool if he’s the oldest of them? Like, younger than 21 but he’s out of high school. Just trying to get a bachelors in music history at fuckin uh. NYU probably.

* he unironically likes twilight

[multimetaverse]

These photos were shown during the series finale ending credits montage and come from the cut 318 that was filmed for 5 days at Snuck Farm and required the use of adult extras aged 35-55 who had to be able to work all 3 days between Tuesday-Thursday. It was likely one of the most expensive eps of the season and is the only ep other than the series finale that featured the entire main and recurring cast members in the same episode and location with the notable exception of TJ. We may never get official confirmation on what happened in this ep but I think it’s likely that it was a vow renewal ceremony for Celia and Ham.

The outfits and set decorations are clearly for a wedding event and the age of the extras range from Bexie to Helia’s age. The working title for 3x17 was I Do Over and Ham was in that ep which would fit with him announcing to Bex and Bowie that he and Celia were renewing their vows and asking Bowie to be his best man just like Bowie had asked Ham to be his best man in the uncut version of 3x09 that aired in Australia. A Helia vow renewal would allow the show to have both the lavish wedding that makes for good TV and the low key wedding Bex always wanted. Vow renewals are a fairly common romantic trope though irl they’re often a sign of an impending marital collapse as couples use the spectacle of the ceremony to distract from long standing issues or to assuage guilt over an affair. Realistically the show wouldn’t have spent so much money on this ep unless the main focus was the Mack family and it would have provided an easy way for Celia and Bex to reconcile and for Bex to realize that she does really want to get married. 

There’s one more small piece of evidence; in Something to Talk A-Boot, Andi talks with her parents about SAVA and it’s mentioned that SAVA only has a 5% acceptance rate and that Andi is worried that they won’t take the girl who makes lamps out of Cd's. That only 5% of applicants getting in likely a reference to something we would have learned in the cut ep and the last time Cd lamps were mentioned was in 3x11 when Celia and Andi argued over whether Bex would want Andi’s Cd lamps as a wedding decoration. Celia asking Andi to make the decorations for her vow renewal would be a sweet gesture and tie in with Andi’s art. The A plot probably would have been great and 318 was likely one of the most visual stunning eps they filmed.

The B and C plots though probably would have been a mess. The Jamber plot in  3x17 would have ended with Amber storming out of Cyrus’ and with Machel sinking at the bowling alley. We know this because the Jamber breakup and the Muffy friendzoning scenes in 3x17 were re-shoots. So Amber would have known that Jonah was lying to her and roped Cyrus into it yet still gone as Jonah’s date and then only at the ceremony would Cyrus have apologized and Jamber sunk. And Marty agreed to go with Buffy and then would confirm that Rachel had broken up with him and that he no longer has feelings for Buffy and that Buffy needs to see a doctor. Indeed, the photo of Buffy in the dark looks like it may have been a still from a scene she had with Marty where he told her he didn’t like her anymore.

And it explains why TJ’s story line was written around this ep, Tyrus ends on a strained note in 3x15 and they kept TJ away for 4 eps before the re-shoots which is the longest they keep major love interests away for. Which makes sense since there’s no way Cyrus could ever have been allowed to bring TJ to a wedding since there’s no way to disguise that as just two guys being dudes. Although one darkly funny side effect of the Tyrus plot being written around the cut ep is that it was the only story line not affected by the re-shoots and was the only story line to actually turn out better to some extent thanks to the FBI’s good work.

It also fits with the shows timeline between eps 12-21 being only around 6ish weeks. Buffy says in 3x14 that the wedding was only weeks away and I think it’s likely that Celia just decided to have a vow renewal because she had already booked the Alpaca farm for the Bexie wedding and couldn’t get a refund on such short notice. 318 probably took place the weekend after 3x17 and then Something To Talk A-Boot is the following Monday since that’s Buffy’s first appearance with her boot. 

[keyofjetwolf]

Jet Wolf Summarizes Act 40

The manga and I kind of hate each other. This is unfortunate, but still, I’m determined to come out of this with something. Rather than spend energy on a liveblog that’s increasingly negative, I’m reading each manga act (mostly) silently, and then writing up summaries at the end. I won’t pull my punches. There’s going to be criticism and snark about the manga, either wholesale or in details. If that isn’t a thing you feel like reading, please skip this post!

Mercury is in the title, so I am of course immediately suspicious. She doesn’t actually show up until thirty-five pages in. I’m SUPER suspicious. But I get ahead of myself.

First we have to deal with Mamoru in the hospital, where he regrettably regains consciousness. The Senshi run in like they’re a) concerned, and b) were notified, both of which we know are patently untrue. So since Ami isn’t with them, I’m going to assume she had one jello shot too many and passed out. At which point Mako hefted her up piggyback and ran all the way to the hospital like a charging bull, drunkenly barreling down the street and mowing down all passersby while Minako kept pace in her wake despite drinking more than anyone, making ambulance siren sounds and also carrying Rei piggyback style who made it a point to scream at everyone to get out of the fucking way and turn and nearly but never quite fall and yell at anyone who had the gall to not possess her precognitive abilities and ALREADY be out of the way, which meant, not coincidentally, that she was yelling at literally fucking everybody.

Unfortunately the manga didn’t have that, it had this.

Yet another wasted opportunity, manga.

They get an eyeful of bodyswapped Usagi and Chibs, and conclude that Black Lady’s back, which I’m sure wouldn’t have traumatized Chibi-Usa in any way. Talk talk, recounting last issue, Ami enters! MERCURY DREAM!

Oh, not yet, she was just late, despite the Senshi otherwise all consistently arriving at the same time always. She says they should get Usagi and Chibs checked out, and she called her mother to look at Mamoru, too. Speaking of, Ami’s mum enters. She looks, creatively, exactly like an older Ami.

I guess hairstyles are hereditary after all. NOW YOU KNOW.

Ami’s mum finds nothing wrong with Usagi and Chibs, and I can only assume that includes the fact that Chibs is a sixteen year-old girl impossibly squeezed into a ten-year old’s clothes, SERIOUSLY WHY DON’T USAGI AND CHIBS AT LEAST EXCHANGE OUTFITS CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW UNCOMFORTABLE CHIBI-USA IS

I MEAN THE UNDERWEAR ALONE NOT TO MENTION WITH THE SKIRT SITUATION

SHE’S WEARING SUSPENDERS WITH NO BRA YOU GUYS COME ON SOMEONE PLEASE GET THIS CHILD ACTUAL FITTING CLOTHING

Anyway, Usagi and Chibs are medically fine, but Mamoru has “shadows over the lungs”, which is apparently so unusual that the doctor “has never seen anything like it”, and I’m just sitting here UHHH MAYBE GET THIS GUY AN ONCOLOGY REFERRAL RATHER THAN LET HIM WALK OUT WITH A VAGUE PROMISE TO SCHEDULE A FOLLOW-UP SOMETIME MAYBE

Of course this is probably the same hospital that let Mamoru walk out with a ten year old child for whom he has no parental or legal guardianship and despite her suffering from cardiac arrest and no blood flow, SO CLEARLY I AM EXPECTING TOO MUCH OF THE MEDICAL STAFF HERE AT FUCK YOU HOSPITAL.

Chibs decides to try and trick Ikuko, so she goes home and pitches Luna-P at her. It works! I can’t even be surprised. She goes up to Usagi’s room, and rather than, I dunno, CHANGE CLOTHES, she thinks about how Mamoru said she was pretty and ughhhghgh. The Pegabell accidentally falls and instantly summons him, and someone really needs to tell Pegasus to let the phone ring a couple times because desperaaaate.

Pegasus says he can sense this is a bad spell cast on her by “someone”, but he refuses to answer any other questions, proving that no matter the continuity, Pegasus will never be helpful and needs to fuck off.

“I won’t tell you anything at all whatsoever, not about me or the enemy you’re risking your life to fight, but trust me, okay? PS: GIVE US YOUR POWER PRECIOUS”

One thing I will say is that Chibs immediately is like “I GOTTA TELL EVERYONE PEGASUS SHOWED UP AGAIN”, so while this is super jacked up, it’s not SuperS jacked up, so I can avoid screaming about everyone neglecting Chibs while she’s being secretly groomed by a fucking magical ungulate, and yes, I WILL take my small mercies.

Meanwhile, Usagi’s hanging out with Mamoru, who is intensely weirded out by the fact that Usagi is now a child, which I have to say that I was more than a little concerned about given the Chibi-Usa stuff.

Hm, this is twice in a row the manga’s not exceeded my expectations in a negative way.

OH GOD SOMETHING HORRIBLE IS COMING ISN’T IT

Well certainly Mamoru angst is coming, and jesus fucking wept. “I’M SICK I’M DRAGGING YOU DOWN PERHAPS WE SHOULDN’T HAVE A FUTURE TOGETHER”. And while fundamentally I’m fine with this conclusion, dude, you’ve been ill like A DAY, maybe take some Nyquil and calm your shit. And while I could maybe appreciate this from a flipping of stereotypes to have Mamoru the one so uncertain and worried, given how EVERY OTHER FUCKING PAGE OF THIS MANGA is about lifting Mamoru up and making him critically important, it reads less like a reversal and more Takeuchi grasping at a reason so she personally Usagi can remind us how wonderful he is. These plagues of doubt only work if something ever happened for him to be doubtful ABOUT.

Anyway, Chibs walks in and sees them (specifically she sees ten year old Usagi kissing an unconscious Mamoru but I can’t you guys I’m so tired) and she has a thought.

A THOUGHT I KIND OF FEEL YOU SHOULD HAVE HAD BY NOW CHIBS I MUST BE HONEST WITH YOU

She thinks about how her dream is to become an amazing lady and meet her own prince, and then we cut to Pegasus and then I threw up everywhere. BUT JUST IN CASE YOU NEEDED A PARALLEL TO DRIVE THE POINT FURTHER HOME, Pegasus is thinktalking to Mamoru and apologizing for not protecting him, because they’re trading positions now you see like Usagi and Chibi-Usa with the bodyswap and blaaarg. I much preferred all this last arc, when Mamoru was like “Huh I feel like I just married Chibs and Hotaru, THAT WAS WEIRD.”

Meanwhile at Ami’s house – YES AMI ACTUALLY APPEARS OVER THIRTY PAGES LATER – she’s up late doing research on the Dead Moon Circus. She pauses for a moment to have a really nice flashback with Pluto:

Sweet, huh? ONLY IT’S NOT A FLASHBACK IT’S A BRAND NEW SCENE AND WHAT’S MORE IT’S A BRAND NEW SCENE THAT DOES NOT FIT WITH WHAT WE JUST READ LAST FUCKING ARC.

You guys know me. You know I fucking LIVE for Senshi moments. But the Outers spent THE ENTIRETY OF LAST ARC actively avoiding the Inners. THAT WAS LITERALLY A PLOT POINT. You can’t work so hard to sell them as separate teams unable or unwilling to come together until the climactic final moments of the final battle and then turn around and pretend that Ami and Pluto were hanging out every weekend trading cool links and writing Perl applets. And it can’t have happened after, because as soon as they learned they’d gotten a baby out of the deal, the Outers fucked off before the dust had even settled.

I realize I should just be happy I’m getting anything at this point, but I’m ACTIVELY IRRITATED that this is being painted as something that was there all along when you know and I know that Takeuchi hasn’t been able to scrounge up two fucks to rub together about the Senshi before this point, let alone them interacting in any capacity that didn’t have Usagi at its center. OWN YOUR TERRIBLE DECISIONS DON’T STARVE ME AND THEN ACT LIKE YOU’VE BEEN SERVING ME STEAK DINNERS FOR THE PAST SEVEN MONTHS

Not to mention how it makes exactly zero sense for Ami to be all wistfully missing Pluto.

WHEN DID YOU EVER AMI WHEN DID YOU LITERALLY EVER

Which brings us to Part Two (through fucking Ten, I’m so angry) of why this pisses me off: it attributes whatever accomplishments Ami has had to this point TO A MENTORSHIP THAT LITERALLY NEVER EXISTED UNTIL THIS MOMENT. This Act is ostensibly about Ami learning to trust and believe in herself and blah blah blah THESE ARE NOT PROBLEMS MANGA AMI HAS BEEN WRESTLING WITH. Manga Ami hasn’t been wrestling with ANY problems, because Manga Ami has all the characterization of my partially-filled Papa Murphy’s punch card. But at least she could own whatever tiny moments of achievement she managed scrap together for herself out of this dismal fucking story that barely remembers she exists. BUT NO. Now she has to be smacked back five steps just to watch her walk back to where she started and call it development.

Jesus fucking WEPT I hate the manga.

All right, let’s blast through the rest of this since it means literally nothing. Ami begins to feel ~a stirring~ or whatever, prepping for her end of episode power-up. Her mum finally comes home at 1am and laments that she’s not a very good mother, but seems to make no actual effort by the end of the story to change that, so yeah, I guess you are. Ami zones out partway through to tell us about her father, who was an artist who fucked off to paint fish or something.

Blah blah bad guys, blah blah Fish Eye and PallaPalla will go after Ami because they’re blue.

Next day, Ami goes for a walk and spontaneously buys a fish, as you do.

Oh no it’s really Fish Eye, who could possibly have foreseen this?! As Ami falls asleep, she begins to have a nightmare where her mum brings a new man home and disowns her. Then she becomes her younger self, and her dad doesn’t want her either. Then she sees Usagi, Mamoru, and Chibs (though bodyswapped as they currently are, wtf Ami) and imagines Usagi saying that when she’s with them, she doesn’t need anyone else.

Not a single bit of this I feel is unreasonable for Ami to be really worried about, I have to say, but since no part of this has come up before now and no part of it will come up again (PARTICULARLY LOOKING AT YOU, NIGHTMARE USAGI), it has all the staying power of a foot cramp I had once, inconvenient and a little painful in the moment, but over and forgotten five minutes later.

Ami realizes none of it is real and tries to break free, only to fall through a mirror and begin talking to herself, only tiny.

Tiny Ami says Bigger Ami should remember her real dreams and not give up. “Yes, there are so many people I love and who love me”, she says, LITERALLY THINKING OF ONLY SEVEN PEOPLE TWO OF WHICH ARE HER PARENTS BECAUSE REMEMBER WHEN AMI HAD TO USE NARU SHE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A SINGLE TERTIARY ACQUAINTANCE WE CAN PRETEND SHE CARES ABOUT

My favourite part of this though?

IT’S A SHITTY LIST AND MAMORU’S STILL NOT ON IT

Ami goes on to say that her real dream is to become a “full-fledged soldier” (okay) and protect everyone. This triggers her power-up, and also a talking doohickey.

I can’t help but notice we’ve increased our talking inanimate objects by about 500% lately, and I’m wondering if Takeuchi was on massive amounts of painkillers.

I wish I were on massive amounts of painkillers.

“Mercury Aqua Rhapsody”, Ami breaks the mirror, and frees her mum from the nightmare. But she apparently still can’t actually do anything of real combat importance, SURE AM GLAD YOU’RE A FULL-FLEDGED SOLDIER NOW AMI. It takes Chibs and Usagi running in (Ami called Usagi earlier) and transforming – triggering the end of their bodyswap – to attack and kill Fish Eye.

Because Usagi and Chibi-Usa are here, the story is instantly handed back to them. Usagi’s awesome awesomeness is just so bloody awesome that Chibs is like “Oh man, I must not be this Princess who can help Pegasus, it’s probably Usagi.” So she calls and tells him he’s got it wrong, to which he’s “Oh? Weird, but okay. So heyyyyy, other Princess, s’up?” Which upsets Chibs and she runs off.

KEEP RUNNING CHIBI-USA

KEEP RUNNING AND NEVER LOOK BACK