#azzy wears glasses oh god

[velariscalling]

i have just binge-read (is that a real term?) this entire series and i’m literally foaming at the mouth I LOVE ITTTTT u are so talented!! i can’t wait for more!! 😍😍

also can i pls be added to the tag list 🥺🥺

Falling in Love on the Fourth Floor - part 14.1

Pairing: Azriel x reader | WC: 3.5k | previous part | masterlist

Summary: Out of an act of desperation, you move in with a guy you kind of know who happens to have a really hot brother who lives next door.

Author’s note: okay babes I’m desperate to get this out bc this part is going to be so fucking long I had to break it up into parts

“Rhys, stop!”

Feyre’s shriek of annoyance draws your attention to the front, your eyes watching Feyre chastise Rhysand for driving almost 30 miles per hour over the speed limit. You and Azriel were in the backseat of Rhys’s car (“It’s a Tesla,” Rhys would correct), Feyre in the front seat making several comments about the way Rhys drives as if he is attempting to murder all of you.

Mor and Cassian drove separately in Cassian’s truck - you and Azriel snickered at their less than covert attempts to be alone in the apartment. The six of you had been about to hit the road when Cassian had ‘forgotten his driving sunglasses’ and Mor had immediately offered to help. Rhys had rolled his eyes, telling Cassian the four of you were going to head off instead of waiting for them.

Rhys’s lake house was about an hour and a half away, so you and Azriel had spent that time in the back mindlessly chatting, showing each other silly videos of mostly cats. Feyre sat in the passenger seat, deeming herself in charge of the music, the three of you not caring what she put on.

Whenever Rhys and Feyre were too preoccupied in their own conversation to notice the two of you, you would slip your hand into one of Azriel’s, playing with his fingers or just squeezing lightly before pulling away.

“When do we think Cassian will show up?” You ask, making eye contact with Rhys in the rearview mirror. He scoffs, turning his eyes back to the road, “no telling. He’ll get hungry eventually, so he’ll probably show up around dinner.”

The six of you met up around two, you and Azriel almost arriving late because of your lunch date taking too long. Neither of you wanted to pretend there wasn’t something between you two, but both of you wanted to wait a bit before telling everyone, causing the two of you to linger in the parking lot for far too long, neither of you wanting to keep up the charade.

The impending deadline didn’t stop him from kissing you as if he were going off to war in the parking lot of the cafe you two went to, though. You could still taste the coffee he had on your tongue.

Feyre sighed, looking out the window, “maybe I shouldn’t have put my bag in his truck.”

You laughed, partly at her melodramatics, partly at how foolish she was to leave her bag in Cassian’s truck, “I don’t think you’re seeing that bag for a while, Fey.”

She turns her head to look at you, a scowl on her face, “you make it sound like this is my fault.”

“Well, we did put Cassian and Mor in a car together, so maybe the group is at fault. Just be thankful they didn’t pull over and have sex on top of your bag.”

Her scowl deepened, a look of disgust on her features, “my poor bag would never be the same. I would never be the same.”

“You’d have Cassian butt sweat on it.”

“Ewww, stop.”

“Or worse, his butt hair.”

You laugh as Feyre whips her head to scowl at Rhys, “and how do you know about his hairy butt?”

“Cassian spent our teenage years with a new approach to life - he was determined to be naked at any and every opportunity.” You giggle at Azriel’s words, his ears reddening a bit at the attention you were giving him.

“My mother considered kicking him out because he kept walking around naked and standing in the windows.”

You and Feyre giggled at the image, but Rhys continued. “Our neighbors kept calling and complaining. I’m actually not sure how she got him to stop.”

“She probably bribed him. It’s the only way with him.” You quirk an eyebrow at Azriel before he continues, “nothing ever got to him as a kid - yelling, getting in trouble, praising him. But bribery always worked on him.”

You turn to Azriel, pointing your head in the direction of the front seat, “what was Rhys like as a kid.”

Az huffs, “same as now. Spoiled and annoying.”

Rhys glares at him through the rearview mirror, but Az continues. “He was a bit pompous, always talking about how rich his family was.”

You watch Az try to keep from smiling as Feyre laughs, before reaching a hand out to pinch Rhys’s cheek. The movement pings something in your mind, telling you to ask about it later.

“I did not.”

“You once came to school in a helicopter.”

Rhys sinks a bit in his seat, but you file this whole conversation away in a folder of your brain titled ‘ask again later’. You had a vague sense of things you had picked up over time - Rhys’ parents were technically married, but his dad would travel a lot. Rhys’ mother and sister died at some point. Somehow Azriel and Cassian came into the picture.

It was a bit fuzzy, and you never found out why Cassian lived on his own away from Rhys and Az. You had little pieces, but you needed some way to connect the. You filed it away, just allowing yourself to enjoy the car ride.

The ride eventually reached a lull where the two of you sat in the backseat texting each other while Feyre and Rhys talked mindlessly about goats, maybe. You really weren’t sure what was going on up there.

Azriel: did you know all the guys in this town are riddled with disease

Azriel: so you shouldn’t get anywhere near them

Azriel: just to be safe

You: I like disease-riddled men

Azriel: is now a good time to tell you I had chicken pox as a kid

You: oh really?

You: Mmm itchy men

Azriel: I regret this

You: do you have any scars from it?

Azriel: that’s classified

You: I’ll just have to go around searching for them from other men

Azriel: wait no

Azriel: no no no no no

Azriel: this is a joke right

His eyes snap up to you after you refuse to respond to him, and you have to stifle a giggle at the way he’s looking at you.

You: I’m a changed woman. I prefer disease free men now

Azriel: thank god you’ll stay away from Cassian now

You look up at him with wide eyes before you type back furiously.

You: Azriel we share an apartment what do you mean

You: I let him drink my coffee the other day

You: Azzy please tell me you’re joking

You huff as each of your texts is met back with the three dots indicating he was typing. You looked over at him to find him typing random letters before backspacing to allow the dots to stay up.

You: meanie head

Azriel: you’re the one who said you preferred disease riddled men

You: they wouldn’t treat me like this

You: I would be a queen to them

You: me and my disease riddled king

Azriel: that implies you are their diseased queen

The two of you continue trying to stifle giggles as Rhys drives, Az’s hand moving to squeeze your thigh. You’re so distracted by texting him and his hand on your thigh you don’t notice where you are until the car is pulling into a neighborhood of massive houses that could likely fit multiple families with room to spare. You sit up straighter, looking out the window at these multi-dollar houses and wonder if this was a vacation home, what did Rhys’ house look like growing up?

You knew Rhys’s dad’s lake house was going to be a ridiculously large house. You knew that before, you knew that as the car drove through the neighborhood, but pulling up into the driveway it was as if you had completely forgotten. The house was massive - it had to be at least three floors above ground, and the property it was on was large too.

Rhys’ car slows across the long driveway, no other cars around. You have to strain your neck to look at the house in its entirety - it was beautiful - three or four floors, large windows showing off spacious areas on the second and third floors. It was a mix of the classic lakehouse look, but with slightly modern twists to it. All you could think about while looking at it was how long it would take to clean it. Most of your squabbles with Cassian were over whose turn it was to do dishes, and you knew this place would really test your friendship with him if you lived here.

Or maybe he’d just be able to better hide his messes in this house.

“How long would this take to clean?”

Your voice comes out a bit squeaky before you clear your throat, looking over at Az.

“You think Rhys’s dad does his own cleaning?”

Rhys parks his car in the garage, the four of you getting out. Rhys opens the trunk, and you reach out to grab your bags but Azriel beats you to it, slinging your duffle bag over his shoulder. He crinkles his nose at your pout, sticking his tongue out as he walks into the house. You follow after him, taking in how nice his back looked through his shirt.

Azriel heads to the stairs, taking Feyre to her room, but you fall back to take in the living room. You could host a house party in this living room and fit a hundred people easily. You siddle next to Rhys, watching him play with the lid of his coffee in one hand, his phone lit up in the other.

“Are you worried at all about your dad showing up?”

Rhys sips his coffee before answering, “I’d be more shocked than anyone if he showed up here. Az, Cass, and I once spent an entire summer camped out here. Didn’t even catch a glimpse of him.” He shrugs, his face looking indifferent as his phone screen displays the ‘find my friends’ app, and he looks quizzically at the screen, trying to figure out where Cassian was, you presume.

He blows out a breath, “I’m gonna call him.”

You walk away, opting to look at the photos that decorated the walls. The living room is covered in them, all shapes and sizes of frames littered the yellow wall. You see photos of younger versions of Azriel, Cassian, and Rhys, photos from when they were about ten or so until pretty recently, if you had to guess. You can watch them grow, the three of them looking so unsure of themselves at various stages.

The young photos of Azriel are littered with an air of sadness to them, his eyes not quite as bright as they are now, bandages still lingering on his hands for a long time. Azriel’s the smallest in what you think is the first photo, not much more than skin and bones, his now tan skin had a sickly pale hue to it. A woman and a young girl are in the photos with them, the five of them all looking remarkably similar - it’d be very easy to convince others that the two boys were Rhys’s brothers. The photos are all tan skin, dark curls limp in some photos from the ocean water. They are scattered across the wall, no chronological order to them, but if you lined them up you could watch the three of them grow.

The photos made you feel a well of emotion - how someone could be so cruel to someone so small, so defenseless. But as the photos continued and Azriel blended in more with this family, it made you feel so proud of him for opening himself up like that, when all he knew was pain.

He hadn’t told you the extent of his childhood - just that his family was awful, he hadn't seen or spoken to them in a decade, and his step brothers burned his hands. But the pictures of this small, helpless boy looking so lost at the lake spoke volumes for him.

Rhys put the phone down from his ear as he hung up. “They’ll meet us at the restaurant for dinner. He muttered something about a pit stop before hanging up on me.”

He gazes at the photos as he stands next to you, his eyes landing on the one you’ve been staring at. It involved a very young Azriel, fresh bandages adorning his hands. The striking woman was holding him so delicately, as if her arms squeezed him too hard he’d burst in her hold.

“That’s my mom.”

His voice catches you off guard, not expecting much of anything from him. He points at the photo, his finger tapping slightly on the glass.

“She’s beautiful.”

He hums in agreement, “she loved Az. She fought so hard for him. First person to fight for him, really. Spent a shit ton of money getting custody of him.”

That surprises you, but you leave it there for now, keeping your eyes on her smiling face. His gaze lingers on her soft smile, “she loved all of us, but boy did she love Az.”

You watch his mind go somewhere, not wanting to intrude, about to step away when he speaks up again. “That’s my sister. Kaylah.”

His finger moves to a photo nearby, landing on the young girl that Cassian had hoisted on his shoulders.

“She’s cute.”

“She loved bothering Cassian. The two of them butted heads more than any of us combined.” His voice was full of love and nostalgia. “She once got so mad at him she pulled her shoe off and threw it at his head. He was so chuffed he didn’t notice her throw the other, both of them hitting his eyes. He had a black eye for weeks.”

You laugh, “oh my gods, what happened?”

“What happened?” He turned to you, a wide grin on his face, “we got kicked out of the restaurant we were in, and she had the audacity to ask for her shoes back because they landed at another table.” He laughs, a twinkle in his eye you had never seen before. “Oh, Kaylah was something. She always made us laugh.”

“What happened to her?”

Rhys looks down, the twinkle immediately leaving his eye, “she and my mom were hit by a drunk driver when we started school. We- it was a hard time.”

You look over at him, tentatively moving your arms around his waist and hugging him to you.

“I’m sorry.”

He squeezes you back, his citrusy scent filling your nose. “Me too.”

The two of you gaze at the photos, at a time long gone, standing in silence as if an embrace could change the ending for the subjects of the photos.

The moment’s broken by Feyre’s voice, “what’s going on here?”

You turn your face to look at her, head still against Rhys’s chest, “I’m sorry you had to find out this way. We’re in love. He’s having my baby.”

She gasps overdramatically, clutching her chest as she puts on a ridiculous voice, “oh my stars! The scandal!”

You giggle as Rhys unwraps himself from you, “we were going to tell everyone while we were here, but it’s true. We’re naming the baby Cassian Junior.”

Feyre breaks her resolve, giggling, “how is it Cassian Junior?”

“Cassian’s adopting him, of course.”

Feyre giggles before coming to the wall of photos, looking too. “Wow, you guys were so little!”

You laugh, “yeah now we have proof Cassian wasn’t born with a six pack.”

“A six pack of beer, maybe.”

Azriel’s voice startled you. How a man so large was so adept at sneaking up on you unaware was impressive. He stopped behind you, but you could feel his warmth through your back.

“That would explain a lot,” Rhys mutters, turning away from the photos and sitting onto the couch. He stretched out his long legs, propping them on the ottoman before him. “That drive took a lot out of me.”

“It was two hours,” you scoff, sitting on a nearby chair. Azriel followed you, sitting in the chair next to you.

“Two hours is a long time.”

“Maybe for a baby,” Feyre coos, sitting next to Rhysand, pinching his cheeks. His hands swat at hers, pushing her away with very little effort. The four of you mindlessly chatter away, Feyre telling you all about something one of her sisters recently did, until Rhys’s phone buzzed again, Mor texting him that they were half an hour away.

The four of you jump back into Rhys’ Tesla, and he rolls down the windows as he drives you all to some restaurant called ‘Mama’s’.

“But ‘Mama’s’ what?” You had asked, to which Rhys and Az shrugged.

“Just ‘Mama’s’.”

You had huffed, accepting the nonanswer for the time being. The windows give you a glimpse of the tax brackets you drove through - starting the journey in multi-million dollar homes occupied during the warm months, the landscape quickly changes to lower and middle class homes for the people who live here year round.

Rhys pulls the car into a small restaurant, fitted with outdoor lighting and seating. It was so homey - a dozen or so people stood around outside, playing some variety of games like checkers and cornhole. A couple dozen more sat at tables, eating what smelled to be the most enticing food ever created. Your stomach rumbles at the smell, and Feyre laughs at you before you poke her in the stomach with an elbow.

You spot Cassian leaning against his car, Mor standing next to him on her phone. He stretches his arms out, huffing, “finally, we’ve been waiting for you!”

Rhys promptly pushes him as he walks past, and Mor giggles as he falters a bit and she falls in line with you and Feyre and you gag at her. “You smell like sex.”

She gasps, “no I do not,” before discreetly smelling her shirt.

“No, you don’t. Made you sniff.”

She rolls her eyes, copying your words in an exaggerated voice.

The six of you find a table, and you’re seated in the middle of the booth with Feyre and Rhys next to you. Azriel sits on the end of the other booth, and you make brief eye contact across the table, sending him a soft smile.

The waitress comes up to your table, her dark hair pulled back in a ponytail, her black clothes making her eyes pop, her name tag reading ‘Steph’. She looked at all of you, but her eyes stopped on Azriel, her smile growing wider at the sight of him.

“Hi everybody, what can I get you all to drink?”

She takes your drinks orders, rubbing Azriel’s shoulder as she walks away. Cassian laughs at Azriel’s grimace, “I think she likes you, Azzy.”

“Shut up, Cass.”

Azriel looked to you as your friends kept talking, and you offered him a smile back. His face was hard to read, but his eyes looked so sad. You cock your head to the side, trying to figure out what the problem was, but he turned his head away.

Dinner goes by in a blur, the food was delicious, the six of you spent the evening joking around, except for Azriel, who spent most of the meal quiet. The waitress came by to check on you all several times, and her blatant efforts at flirting would have been amusing if it wasn’t completely obvious how uncomfortable it made Azriel. Each time she returned to your table, you would watch him tense up as she approached, her hands always finding their way to his shoulders. On her third stop at your table, she began calling him Muffin.

Rhys paid the check, handing over the receipt to Azriel.

“For you, Muffin.”

Azriel takes it, and from next to him you can see the phone number written beneath the total. His hands crumple it, discarding it before you all made it to the parking lot. He opens your door before heading to the other side of the car after you slide into your seat. You immediately pull out your phone, your texts with Azriel lighting up the backseat.

You: hi Muffin

Azriel: I’m so sorry

You: why? Did you do something?

Azriel: for the waitress?

You: did you do something with the waitress?

You: I did go to the bathroom, maybe you slipped out and made out with her?

You can hear Azriel furiously typing on his phone.

Azriel: no no no no

Azriel: I didn’t do that, I wouldn’t do that. I’m sorry she was hitting on me.

Azriel: I didn’t know what to do because I didn’t want to tell her I had a girlfriend

You: you have a girlfriend?

You: and you’ve been making out with me?

You: you dog

You peak over at him and his face is a deep red. You want to laugh but you feel a little bad about your teasing once you see his fingers shaking, having to backspace several times over misspelled words.

Azriel: I think so

Azriel: I didn’t mean to imply anything

You: so, you don’t have a girlfriend?

Azriel: I don’t know

Azriel: maybe?

You: do you want one?

You: a girlfriend, that is

Azriel: god yes

Azriel: but it has to be a specific girl

You: anyone in mind?

Azriel: I have my eye on someone

Series taglist: @anotherbook-obsessedhoe @impossibelle @hayrunnwr @just-a-social-casualty-1 @thisisew @brieflyclassymortal @glitterypirateduck @marshmummy @bookishbroadwaybish @azsteris @doriansgf @footyandformula @od-anon @judig92 @luvmoo @marina468 @buckyandgeraltsupremacy @acotarobsessed @maryssong23 @acourtofbatboydreams @herondale-lightworm @azrielover @carnelshephard

Permanent taglist: @vanilla-seabass @cyrygher @lees-chaotic-brain @topaz125 @chessebookgirl @fides25 @lady-of-tearshed @ashbatz @fxckmiup @lilah-asteria @justvibbinghere @daughterofthemoons-stuff @mybestfriendmademe @heartless-tate @tsunami-of-tears @idrkwhatthisisimsorry @olive-main @azrielsmate3 @pit-and-the-pen @durgenyx @dee-writes-smut @chairofchaos @thelov3lybookworm @berryzxx @throneofsmut @kennedy-brooke @prythianpages @itsswritten @acotarxreader

Azriel taglist: @brieflyclassymortal @thisiskaylin

Thanks for reading ❣️

[onlyhereforpazzi]

Warnings: NSFW- Church Homophobia, cursing, smut (finger P receiving and eating Az receiving) [*Spitting*] Angst, sneaky bits of fluff if you squint. 

A/N: Based off of how I feel about my crushes (WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS BORN IN MARCH AND WEAR GLASSES)

Word count:1317

Request based on: First time hooking up by This cutie ———————————————————————— It was odd. That night at the bar, sitting, dancing, drinking, escaping the loud area for moments alone. Many would just think Azzi and Paige were best friends, but the tenison said otherwise, the long stares across rooms, the touching of hands backs, long hugs that felt too awkward to just be friendly. Paige sat with Azzi at a booth holding hands under the table while Paige enjoyed a dirty Shirley and Azzi, a sour raspberry flavored beverage. The conversation between them was not something complicated but just normal. “So you and that one girl..” Azzi changed the subject, the one girl Paige had been hooking up with for a while Azzi was very much disappointed. She had liked- no loved her best friend since their first conversation.

“Oh uh she wants more than just a hookup.. But you know I don’t..” Paige stares at the cherry in her drink focusing on that rather than the conversation. Azzi's hand comes up from Paige’s and holds her arm rubbing her bicep. It was a quiet jester but enough of one. The younger girl looked at the sophomore, and sighed before speaking once more. “Yeah.. We should dance..” Azzi, the normally quiet, nose in the book girl wanting to dance was an opportunity Paige couldn’t pass. She loved Azzi with her whole heart willing to die and live for her. If she could, she would kiss every part of her body while telling her how beautiful she is and that no man named Josh or Luke could please her like Paige could. “Hell fucking yeah!” Paige pulled her up and they went to the crowded open area of Ted's as the music blast they danced sipping their drinks getting drunker and drunker.

Soon they were tipsy and vibrating with energy, a few teammates left craving a horrible hangover the next morning. Soon the song Freak by Doja Cat came on, a personal favorite between the two, they partly screamed the lyrics.

“A good girl who does bad things”

“Freak like me”

 Until the final part of the song came on. 

“Put your head on my shoulder”

“Hold me in your arms…”

“Baby..” Paige sung to Azzi smiling as she pecked her forehead, the drunkenness getting to her. “Is lil Paigey coming back?” Azzi grinned looking up at the blonde, who replied by shaking her head and kissing the curly hair girl's jawline. “Let’s go to your apartment…” “Yeah..” The blonde muttered in reply. —---------—---------—---------—---------—---------—---------—---------—---------—---------

Paige kissed the younger girl gently as they walked to her apartment, “You are so pretty Az..” She muttered to the younger girl reaching for the lanyard that hung from her pocket. Her keys jiggling in the hush of the wind, she unlocked the door to her apartment and stepped in with the younger girl.

“Hey hey hey..” Azzi grumbled as Paige pinned her to the wall, the younger of the two kissed her lips, that sparked something in Paige that took over. As she made out with her best friend of many years she walked into her bedroom with Azzi not breaking the kiss until Azzi fell back on the bed muttering, “Shit..”

“So pretty Azzi..” She found herself on top of her kissing her softly until her hands found the hem of Azzi’s shirt. “May I, pretty?” She asked before receiving and she pulled the younger girls shirt off, flinging it across her room to be found later with a hangover on the mind. “P.. I didn’t give an answer…” The blonde replied with a kiss before removing her own shirt revealing her pale white skin with slight abs not as much as the younger girl. 

“You are so fucking..” She mumbled off kissing the younger girl's neck, you are so what exactly did Paige mean? Perfect in her eyes every scar, scrap, and cut were just an insult to God’s beautiful creation hand craft by Jesus himself..

Paige bent down and pulled down her best friend's jeans coming face to face with the scar on her knee. She began to kiss it softly, before looking up at Azzi, her gaze meeting the underwear she wore. “May I?” Azzi nodded eagerly and Paige pulled them down. “Holy wow..” The younger girl gasped softly feeling the blonde’s fingers rub her clit. “P-paige..” She was met with a hum before the older girl's lips attached to her clit sucking gently. “So good.. So so good..” She licked a long strip down her folds moaning gently at the taste causing vibrations through the younger girl's body. “So pretty..” She pulled her face about an inch away before spitting on her watching it slip through the folds before diving back in, and licking long passionate strokes with her tongue making sure every bit was pleased she reached up and rubbed her clit with her finger. 

“P-Paige..” Azzi was interrupted by a moan that escaped her throat. “Gonna fuckkkk..” Azzi moaned and Paige kept going at it until her orgasm hit, Paige became gentle and helped her ride through it. “Good girl..” Paige mumbled softly licking her clean before sit up and kissing her best friend

“That does bad things?” Azzi grinned looking up at Paige, before reaching into Paige’s sweats and pulling them down along with her boxers… “Oooh.. that wet from my pussy?” “Only for your love..” Paige kissed her softly and smiled as she felt the younger girl's fingers rub her clit and she moaned softly staring into those brown eyes that made her forget every play while Geno explained them. Her tongue poking out slightly as she focused her eyebrows furrowed slightly from being so engaged.

“Wow..” Azzi mumbled slipping her two fingers in, as Paige moaned she began to curl her fingers in a come here way. “Good job P..” She leaned forward and kissed her. Paige pulled away and kissed Azzi’s neck before sucking and leaving a very prominent hickey.

—---------—---------—---------—---------—---------—---------—---------—---------—---------

The next day was curious. Azzi was not in the bed when Paige awoke, instead in the kitchen making coffee and nursing her hangover. Paige got up and rubbed her forehead before walking to her dresser and putting on a shirt and some shorts walking towards Azzi who was in her panties from last night and one of Paige’s shirts. Paige’s eyes drifted up to the hickey on her best friend's neck. “Azzi..” “I don’t want to talk about it right now..” Azzi spat at Paige pushing some pills into Paige’s hand for her to take. “Okay? I just need time to think..” Paige nodded and muttered “Okay..” before taking the pills with a swig of a water bottle. She stared at her best friend. “You know I meant it.. You are beautiful..” She swore she saw a smile flash against Azzi’s face before the stern look came back. “We shouldn’t have done it though, Imagine if the team were to find out.. If Geno.. if the media..” Azzi mumbled off, they were both scared. They believed in God and the bible while it said it was sin. Were they going to hell? No no Jesus made Azzi head to toe.. He made her for Paige right? Not for another douchebag to pick up and treat like a toy. “When will we talk about it Az?” Paige asked, looking at her pouring herself some coffee and adding some sweetener and creamer to the mug before taking a sip. “That’s good..” She mumbled softly looking at the younger girl with a smile. 

Azzi didn’t return the smile, “Soon.. I need time to think Paige, this whole shit it is complicated..” Paige nodded and hugged her best friend. “P?” Paige hummed in reply. “Is this sin… to love you?” “No.. while maybe but I don’t think it is..” Paige paused for a moment to look Azzi in her eyes. “I think God loves love.. And while I love you so it can’t be sin right?” 

@livelaughlovepazzi

[pbaz7]

March 2029

OMG THEY'RE GETTING MARRIED AREN'T THEY

“I haven’t seen my fiancée all day! I have no idea what she’s thinking!”

OMG OMG OMG

her thoughts drifting briefly to their son,

SON?? AUTHOR OMG WHAT SORRY HELLO EXCUSE ME SON? THEY HAVE A CHILD! WHAT.

It means we’re gonna be a family forever.

Paige is going to be the most perfect mother ever I can't w this.

Paige stood at the end of the aisle, her hands nervously crossed in front of her as she waited for Azzi.

please tell me she's wearing a suit

The guests in the audience were a mix of family, friends, and basketball royalty,

I can't even imagine how many celebrities are at this party

Fuck she looks so good.

it is so Paige for this to be her first reaction during her literal wedding day

Azzi handed her flowers to Caroline

the fact that carol is still her maid of honor after all the bullshit the bitch pulled

“You look beautiful P.” Her fingers gently brushed a tear from Paige’s cheek, her touch as delicate as the moment itself.

this is so sweet I'm gonna start crying stop

Paige’s heart swelled, and she blinked away more tears as she whispered back, her voice slightly trembling, “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, baby.”

AHHH STOPP

*every single part of paige's vows I was crying and nearly on the verge of tears but I don't wanna copy and past that

First of all, Paige, you're so incredibly annoying."

THIS IS SO AZZI STOP

Taking the wedding band, she gently slides it onto Paige’s left ring finger,

I just know their wedding rings are gorgeous

"Mamma!" he exclaimed, his voice filled with pure joy.

this little boy is single handedly giving me baby fever

Do you know how hard it is to keep my hands to myself when you look this good?”

I just know the smut at the end of this chap is gonna be good

“Okay, Paige, we get it,” Ice teased, raising her glass. “You’re married now. You won.”

YOU WRITE EVERYONE PERFECTLY AUTHOR

"You would think after all these years Paige wouldn’t still be this horny," Jana remarked, grinning from ear to ear.

OMG JANA HELLO WE'RE IN A PUBLIC SETTING GIRL

“Paige...” she whispered, her voice rough with desire. “I can’t wait, baby. I want you. Right now.”

guys so I fear you are still at your wedding

“You have no idea what I wanna do to you.”

well azzi seems kinda busy... you can do it to me!

“You’re acting like you haven’t already had me a million times,”

was about to say this to Paige's comment lol

“You don’t even know how much I need you right now.”

I just melted

"Get on the bed for me, baby," Azzi demands in a voice thick with need

oh? (running to the bed)

Azzi’s lips find their way to Paige’s ear, where she whispers, “You want me again, don’t you? Want me as much as I want you?”

OH MY GOD. HELLO?

ok so author I cannot believe this book is over ily and I loved it.

can't wait for the next series!

-🍉

loll you really make my day with these and of course paige had on a suit😭

i swear you always have the same exact reactions i hope for when i’m writing the dialogue. thank you so much for always reading and reacting ily 🫶🏼🍉

[hitsuackerman]

Unpredictable (Overhaul x Reader) pt.16

a/n: ya’ll~ brace yourselves for this chapter xD ngl, i was blushing when i wrote this~ he might be a bit ooc here butttt i think it fits the story quite well ;)

warnings: this cannot be read solo, fluff

Links: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, part 9, part 10, part 11, part 12, part 13, part 14, part 15, part 17

Masterlist to my other fics: here :)

Overhaul’s waiting list: @jjk-biased @infinite-universe-love @dirtypride @blackymomo03 @azzie @purple-rabanito​ @meximorrita @awesomeee19​​ @celestial-kanzakii​ 

“Did you actually tell Tsukauchi that you want me to be your partner for the stakeout?”

The day had now ended and Overhaul’s jacket rested on your shoulders. Your phone leaned on some stacked books as you typed away on your laptop.  As the both of you were chatting, you were typing some reports that you had to pass in a couple of days. On the other end, he was busy scribbling notes and signing papers.

“Is there a problem?” His eyes were focused and glued to the paperwork.

“None that I can think of~” Your fingers stopped typing. Fiddling with your fingers, you chewed on your lower lip. “I just, uhh, wasn’t expecting that request.”

“Tsukauchi was no hindrance and cooperation was present.” He put his pen down and rested his chin on his palm. His focus now on his screen. This would have to be the 6th video call this week, something he lowkey didn’t mind. Though, he kept his voice low knowing the others might overhear. “However, your company is one I prefer more.”

“Or in short, you miss hanging out with me?” Giving him the finger guns, you saw how his face morphed into one with disgust and embarrassment. Watching how he picked up his phone and face palmed, you knew he was about to end the call. Not on your watch. “WAIT! Chill Overhoe, I was just kidding.”

“Excuse me?”

“Depends what you want the excuse for.” Gods, you loved teasing this man so much.

“What did you just call me?”

“I called you Overhaul.” You tilted your head and pouted. “Did I not? Are the paper works getting to you, Chisaki?”

“There are days where I wish to use my quirk over the phone.” Thankful his mask was still on, the lingering smirk was covered. His eyes gave it away but he could care less. This was one of the moments where he could feel vuln-whut? “Today is one of them.”

“I’m not into sadistic kinky shit.” By now, you were grinning from ear to ear. Seeing how the corner of his eye indicated the corner of his mouth curled upwards was a win for you. If only he wasn’t wearing that god damn mask. At least it wasn’t the bird beak. “I prefer them sensual and slow. The type who does the opposite when I tell them to go slower~”

“Isn’t that statement contradicting itself?” Not that he’d know. Sexual fantasies were something he couldn’t help but to actually touch a woman’s body? Be so intimate and actually exchange thousands of bacteria through your mouths? The thought made his spine shake with the amount of grossness he couldn’t fathom. But a new question crept in, were you pure in that sense?

“That’s the whole point, Overhoe.”

“I honestly wonder why I tolerate your behavior.” It was more of a mumble but loud enough for the conversation to continue. Absentmindedly fixing the papers, he found himself done for the day and headed back to his room.

“You tolerate me because I’m the only one who has the guts to act like this.” Twirling your index, you pointed at yourself. “But in all seriousness, if you want me to be professional around you, just say so and I’ll take a step back.”

“There is no need for that.” Now in his room, his tensed shoulders relaxed a bit. Sliding his tie off, he placed it on his man-vanity. “Your behavior is unacceptable if it were them but exceptions are made from time to time.”

“You make me sound like a guilty pleasure.” That was meant to be said in silence but your mouth moved faster than your mouth. Activating your quirk, you failed to stop the blood flow heading towards your cheek.

“You are.” Taking his mask off, Overhaul watched as you failed to control the blush on your face. The small hitch your breath took made him want to see just how far was he going to go to get reactions from you. Placing his phone on the dock, he sat down and began to unbutton his dress shirt. His peripheral focus was on you.

‘OH GOD OH GOD.’ Your leg bounced up and down as you tried to look unfazed. Sliding the tie off was hot enough, and now the possible outcome of seeing him shirtless was now coming into the light. Surely he was doing this on purpose, no doubt about it. With what little sense of pride you had, you found the will not to watch his gloved hand slowly revealing more and more of his skin. ‘GEI WHAT THE HELL DO I DO IN THIS SITUATION?!’

‘Ya go with the flow baby girl! Teasing is better when it’s two sided! Live in the sexual tension and see if either of you break!’ You could hear him in your mind. It was so loud it made you think if he were actually telepathically communicating with you.

Tease him back, huh?

Taking in a deep breath, you began to test the waters.

“Didn’t take you to be the stripper type, Chisaki.” Luckily, you paused at the right time for him not to notice how your breathing stopped when his golden eyes met the camera once more. “But, I can’t refuse a little show coming from THE Overhaul.”

“Are you suggesting something, my sweet guilty pleasure?” He stopped unbuttoning his shirt and leaned on the backrest. What he did not expect was for your camera to turn off. Chuckling at the little exchange, he proceeded to undress himself. “Still there?”

You were still there, physically. Other than that, you knew you lost the game. There was no way to recover from him calling you his, HIS, guilty pleasure. Fanning your face, you tried to regain composure before finding the courage to turn the camera on again. Placing your phone screen down, your mind thought about what it’d sound like if he whispered it in person.

‘Fuck. Damn it.’ Your grip on the hem of his jacket was astronomical. Patting your chest, you felt the heat in your face cool down. “Yes. My signal got bad all of a sudden.”

“Don’t start something you can’t finish, (l/n).”

Grabbing your phone, you threw it back onto your bed. The holy sight of a shirtless Overhaul made you shriek in silence. Covering your face, you forgot about your quirk and felt all the blood rush to your cheeks. Peaking at the screen, you quietly observed as he was waiting for you to turn your camera back on. The teasing look on his features made him even more irresistible.

“Put on a shirt, Chisaki.”

“Later.” He stood up and good lord his V-line looked divine. “I have to end the call for now.”

“Whyyy?” Turning the camera on, Overhaul managed to see how your eyes went up and down.

“I’m filthy. I have to bathe.” Taking his belt off, he tossed it to his bed and walked towards his dresser.

“Any chances you can bring your phone with you?” Overhaul is the death of you but as of the moment, you didn’t care. He was shirtless and strutting his stuff. That’s all that matters.

“We haven’t reached that point yet, my guilty pleasure.”

“Stooop calling me that.” You hid your face with your free hand. Still peaking at the screen to find him smirking again.

“You are my guilty pleasure. I’m not going to deny that, (y/n).” Taking the phone from its dock. He stared at how flushed your face was. “You may not be pure but you always manage to plague my mind at the most random times. If I were to speak my mind, I would want to meet up and have dinner with you but those wretched heroes are starting to make a move.”

“We can always rendezvous here…” You offered without thinking. The words that came out of his mouth were intoxicating. “I doubt they’d think you’d actually drop by and watch Betflix in my unit.”

“Are you inviting me over?” He raised a brow.

“N-not necessarily.” Looking away from the screen, your mind began to come up with a plan as to how you could let him enter your apartment without being seen or being too suspicious. “I mean, the offer’s always up…”

“Heroes are trailing me, (l/n).”

“But the heroes don’t have a map of your base. They just have a rough outline of the area and that’s it.”

“Just say it, (l/n).”

“Pick you up in 30 minutes?” Your heart was beating rapidly. Was he actually going to do it?

“Give me 40.”

Ending the call, your jaw dropped and for a moment you were not sure what to do. Covering your mouth, you recalled the conversation and repeated his last words. 40 minutes. He would be arriving in your apartment in the next FORTY MINUTES. Jolting to the living room, you frantically fluffed the pillows and checked for any dust bunnies. Grabbing the vacuum, you found yourself cleaning your house at 9 in the evening.

After a good 10 minutes of rough vacuuming, the unit was now silent and clean. Scurrying to the supply closet, you grabbed a can of Kysol and sprayed the entire room. It wasn’t the best thing to inhale but if it meant sanitation, then so be it.

Heading back to your room, you quickly grabbed a pair of sweats and a shirt. Nothing too conspicuous you reminded yourself. Folding the jacket and placing it on the vacant side of the bed, you took your keys, wallet, and phone on the bedside table.

Now inside the elevators, you made sure to take a quick stop at the 3rd floor before heading to the basement. Closing the doors to your car, you took your phone and dialled Gei.

“A 9pm call.” Gei answered. “Either you’re bored as hell in a case OR somethin else boutta happen, hmm?”

“I’m getting Overhoe and he’s gonna chill in the unit.” You spoke fast but he took it all in.

“AAAHHHH!! QUEEN TODRICK! QUEEN BEYONCE! FINALLY!” Gei could hear you starting the car. Putting his wine glass down, he sat properly and took out his fluffy fan. “Are you gonna get some action, boo?!”

“No. We just…” What were you guys going to do? “It was a spur of the moment decision. I followed your advice and teased him and lived in the sexual tension and now here I am. Driving to pick him up.”

“So me sneezing really was you thinkin’ bout me~ Honey, you made the right decision by teasing that villain.”

“I saw him shirtless too.”

“OH?! Ya’ll be video callin now?!” His fingertips touched the tip of his chests. “Baby girl, you datin or nah? Cause that’s sumthing I can’t see him doin unless you special or some shit.”

Remembering what he called you, you held on tighter to the steering wheel. Seeing the red light, your car slowly stopped and that gave you enough chance to cover your heated up face once again.

“H-he c-called me his guilty pleasure.”

“(L/N) (Y/N)! I SWEAR TO THE QUEENS IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TONIGHT, YOUR LEGS AIN’T GONNA BE WORKIN FOR A WEEK!” Followed by shrieking and squealing, Gei finally cleared his throat and exhaled. “Are you ready?!”

“Gei, nothing is going to happen okay?” You assured him. “Overhaul thinks I’m filthy so there’s no way my legs aren’t safe. Besides, we were just teasing each other. It’s been a while since we last saw each other so I kinda offered my unit to just catch up.”

“My ass.”

Your screen lit up once more and his contact popped up.

“He’s calling. I gotta go.”

“Live for the moment boo. Show him why The Levi Ackerman fell for you!”

Hanging up, you put Overhaul on the line and parked by a dimly lit area.

“A block from the base, turn right and you’ll see a traditional looking house. Meet me there.” He gave instructions to which you followed. Telling him you were on your way, he hung up as well.

Making sure that you weren’t being trailed or followed, you turned to the corner and sure enough saw the mentioned house. Did he walk all the way here or was this some kind of hideout they used. Seeing the gates open, you saw him exiting the building.

Black sweats, jacket, cap, and mask. He looked like a quirkless burglar leaving the house respectfully. Stopping in front of him, you turned the door lights off and watched as he entered the car.

“Good evening.” He greeted.

“We didn’t really think this through now, did we?” Giving him a shy smile, you drove back to the main highway. “Is there anything you wanna eat?”

“It’s fine. I don’t think it is safe to linger.”

“I got that covered. Don’t worry.”

“Will we use the main elevator?”

“I will.” You pointed your finger at him. “You, my dear Chisaki, will be using the stairs.”

“Take me back to the base.”

“I’m joking~” You turned the vehicle to the left and saw the convenience store. “We’ll use the secondary elevator. Now wait here while I buy some snacks, ‘kay?”

“Don’t boss me around.” He raised his brow once more and he watched as you closed the doors and headed inside the building. Just in time, his phone rang with Kurono on the screen. “This better be important.”

“Are you with her?” Kurono asked cautiously. Making sure he knew what to call him in the next minutes to come.

“I won’t take long, Kurono. Keep the others in check.”

“What exactly is your purpose for tonight’s visit, Kai?”

“As you can recall, I’ve taken an interest in her.” He picked up a small lint from his pants and overhauled it. “We’ll just catch up and probably munch on some snacks.”

“Munch on some snacks?” He repeated slowly. “What’s next? Watch a movie?”

“If there’s nothing you need to inform me, Kurono, I’ll be ending the call now.”

For a second, Kurono felt the need to give some advice regarding what women like when things got intimate. Yet, knowing he’d end up dead and alive made him think otherwise. Besides, if you had a thing for Overhaul, what could possibly go wrong with ‘munching on some snacks’ with a yakuza boss?

“No. That’s all.” His voice was uncertain but left no room for questions. “Should I pick you up?”

“No need.” Before his right hand man could say anything, he ended the call. Just in time for you to exit the store with a paper bag full of chips and drinks. Remembering that scenery a few days ago, he had to wonder, was Ackerwacker still in your apartment? Probably not knowing he was invited.

Now that you were buckled up, the drive back to the apartment was surprisingly filled with small talk. Mostly about the Fukuo Kai case and the small behind the scenes activity Overhaul saw fit to share regarding the Shie Hassaikai.

Parking the car in its spot, you handed the paper bag to your companion. Following your lead, the both of you made your way towards the basement elevator. Things were relatively peaceful till the doors stopped closing and slid open once more.

“Evenin, (l/n)-san.” One of your neighbors greeted as he entered with his girlfriend. The stench of alcohol surrounding them. Staring at the man holding the groceries, he eyed him down and shrugged.

“Good evening, Sawada-san.” You nod politely. This was not looking pretty.

Elevator music played as the elevators went up. The elevator was quite cramped with 4 people in it. Observing the germaphobe, you were glad that he didn’t show any signs of breakouts or even just utter disgust at the sight beginning to unfold beside you two.

As if things weren’t awkward enough, the girlfriend began to become all touchy with Sawada. Her hands began to squeeze his butt as he pulled him in closer. Your eyes widened when said girl became bold and peppered kisses all over your neighbor’s neck.

The sound of kissing began to over power the elevator music. Despite Overhaul clearing his throat, the two did not mind. With only 3 floors left to pass, you were more than ecstatic when the doors slid open and provided exit. Quickly grabbing his sleeve, you pulled him out and scurried to your door.

“That was revolting.” He finally spoke up.

“It’s almost 11.” You unlocked your door. “That was bound to happen. I’ve seen worse.”

“Why do people even think such contact is pleasing?” Opening the doors, you let him walk in first. Telling him to place the food on the counter, the yakuza boss did so. Deciding to be a good guest, Overhaul began to unpack the chips and drinks you purchased. “You bought too much food.”

“One can never be too prepared~” Your back was facing him. Turning the TV on, you set it on Betflix and sat on the sofa. Stretching your limbs from the drive. Pointing to the vacant seat two pillows away from you, Overhaul took a seat and made sure that there was not a speck of dust. “So what movie d’you wanna watch?”

- - - - -

a/n: it doesnt just end here my fellow overhoes xD see yall in the next chapter!

[thelostcatpodcast]

THE LOST CAT PODCAST TRANSCRIPTS: SEASON 3: EPISODE 01: THE MONSTER THAT ATE ME

SEASON 3: EPISODE 01: THE MONSTER THAT ATE ME

Episode released 29th January October 2017

http://thelostcat.libsyn.com/season-3-episode-1-the-monster-that-ate-me

I got a phone call. The voice on the other end said "I am going to eat you." Well, spoilers: it ate me.

THE LOST CAT PODCAST SEASON 3 BY A P CLARKE, EPISODE 1: THE MONSTER THAT ATE ME

The voice said “I am going to eat you.” I said “you are not going to do that.” “No, I am going to do that," said the voice. "I am going to eat you.” “I do not want you to eat me.” “I'm still going to do it.” I must admit I was confused. I looked at my phone, as if it would give me some answer. What would make a person say such a thing? What pain could cause such violence? I looked around my room, but the walls stared blankly back. I looked at my phone again, but the only thing the splintered glass showed me was my own reflection, which looked confused, and a little tired. I was not going to get any answers this way. I put the phone to my face again, determined to understand, and, perhaps, even help. I said, “why are you telling me you are going to eat me?” “It seems polite.” “The eating part seems to undermine that.” “Fine. I tell people I am going to eat them because the chemicals released give the meat piquancy.” I said, "Is this Dom?" "No, this is not Dom." "Davey?" "No." "Mossa?" "No!" "Azzy?" "NO!" "Who are you?" "I am the monster that is going to eat you and I am right behind you." And I turned around and there was a giant monster behind me. It was mostly all mouth. Its head was layers of rubbery folds. I could not see its eyes. Its body jostled with itself. "Blimey," I said. "And now I am going to eat you." Then it picked me up and it ate me. Its folds peeled back as the rubbery skin stretched out and the mouth opened wide and I was stuffed right in, head first. Its mouth was open so wide I went all the way in. On first gobble I was half way down its throat, then it shifted its position and a half-dozen tongues closed around my legs and pushed me the rest of the way in. It was quite cold but quite soft inside the monster.  I was in a long tube and being gently moved towards what I assumed was the stomach by the slow rippling of hundreds of fleshy nodules, all ushering me down. This part, I must admit, was not too bad. I had my eyes closed and my breath held. Then I fell finally into a large wet chamber. It was pitch black, so I turned the light on on my phone and looked around. It was as grey and featureless and vaguely rubbery as the monster's outside. I could see no opening above me and, looking down, thankfully none beneath. The floor was damp with puddles and I was glad I had kept my shoes on after I had been out earlier that day, though I know how much Bojana complains. There was a shadow across one wall and then the wall bulged in in several places. The monster’s voice sounded out loud and deep, if slightly muffled, in the hollow of its stomach. "Hey, what's that light?" it said. "What are you doing?" The monster was feeling at its stomach as light filtered out through its stomach wall. "I've got my torch turned on." "Why would you do that?" "You ate me." "Yes, I did." "Why did you do that?" "Because I wanted to." "That's not a good enough reason!" "It's always been good enough before!" "Well now I am inside you, and the relationship has changed. For our fates are now tied together." "Rot!" said the monster. "I ate you. Power dynamic that!" I lost footing then and had to sit down on a lumpy bit. The monster, it seemed, was moving. I heard the familiar snick and knock of the front door. The monster moved with a not unpleasant rolling, lolloping sort of a motion. I did not have a chance to get a good look at what it used for legs, before it ate me. Then I heard muffled cries. There were shouts and screams that I could not locate. The lolloping picked up speed and I was knocked around. "People can see me now!" the monster said, with some panic in its voice. We jumbled up and down for a few moments. "Please! turn your light off!" "Ah," I said, "See the symbiotic relationship building already." "I am hiding in some bushes. Come on." "No," I said. "I am not going to turn it off. You see..." and I took a deep breath. "I get scared of the dark." "Rot," said the monster. "OK," I admitted. "I will turn my light off but you have to promise me you will tell me what you are doing." "I promise." "OK, then." I turned the light out. It all went dark. "How's that?," the monster asked. "I'm scared," I said. "Boo," said the monster. The monster stayed very still, as the shouting and commotion grew closer. Then, after an agonising wait, slowly dissipated, presumably as the crowd had disappeared down another street. I noticed: the monster did not move for quite a while, even after every thing seemed to have gone quiet. "Are you still there?" "Yes." It poked at its stomach again. I had to move my head. The monster said, while poking at random at its belly, "How long's this going to take?" "Honestly, your stomach is barely wet, it's not even covering the soles of my shoes." "Ugh," said the monster. "You wear shoes inside." "Whatever. How long does it take for you to produce digestive juices." "Look, it's hard when i'm being watched." "I can't help that." "Don't pressure me!" "That’s OK," I said calmly. "That’s OK." And I took out a flask and started unscrewing the top. "Are you…are you having a drink?" "I don’t have anything else to do." "Do you... just have flasks of wine on you?" "What of it?" I said. "Look, don’t get defensive," said the monster. "I’m not." "You should just be aware of your choices." "Well," I said, motioning towards the mostly dry floor. "Unless something’s going to happen here soon?" "Fine then," said the monster. "Fine," as it began its lolloping movement again. "At least you won’t play a bloody song in there."

(Music starts)

"Oh come ON." I said "What are you going to do, eat me?" "FINE," said the monster, with some finality. And so, in the belly of this monster that ate me, I leant back on the soft wall of his stomach, and had a large glass of wine.

< Song: BALL JACK SALLY WHACK, written by A P Clarke, performed by 76>

Ball Jack Sally Whack and I fall down Ball Jack Sally Whack and I fall down Ball Jack Sally Whack and I fall down And there ain't no loving left in this town

Old crack Whiskey Jack curse your bones Old crack Whiskey Jack curse your bones Old crack Whiskey Jack curse your bones Its gonna be another night alone again

Alone again, boy Ball Jack Sally Whack I fall down and there ain't no loving lef tin this town.

Old man doctor said 'you're long gone' Old man doctor said 'you're long gone' Old man doctor said 'you're long gone Now pay me my money and get on home.'

Gandy dancer moving and I beg you please Gandy dancer moving and I beg you please Gandy dancer moving and I beg you please 'If you want to get to heaven get on your knees and pray'

'Get on your knees boy.' Ball Jack Sally Whack I fall down and there ain't no loving left in this town.

Ball Jack Sally Whack and I fall down...

The monster walked for a while in silence. It hadn't said anything in quite a while. I think it might have been in a mood with me. There was also something in the lolloping, I don't know, slow, and heavy on the downward move, that seemed, somehow, dejected. It felt awkward, and I tried to break the ice. "Have you ever eaten a cat?" The lolloping stopped. The great mass of its body heaved up and down in what I decided to interpret as a sigh. "Why do you care if I have eaten a cat?" "I lost my cat. I am looking for it." "Well?" I looked around. "I don't see it." "We're fine then." There was silence for a little while longer. "It was a good song," it said. "Thank you," I replied. And I could hear now a strange rhythm on its skin. An endless pitter patter of endless drops. "Where are we?" "In a big park, by a lake." "Ah yes, we call this The Weeping Park." "I was just trying to get away from the people. That's all." "It is a sad place. Always raining." "It is quiet is what it is." "It’s a metaphor for depression, you know." "Oh could you please shut up?" "I think you have a lot that you should talk about." "I really don’t." "Did you mean it about the song?" "NOT ANYMORE. You know, my food doesn't usually talk this much." "You swallowed me whole." "Well I was in a rush. I was hungry and you were being really annoying." "I am sorry to have annoyed you." "You are still being really annoying." "I am sorry." "Will you please shut up." It began moving again. The chamber shuddered as it stomped in frustration. "Do you eat many people?" "I must admit I can;tt remember. My memory only goes so far back. You see, usually I wake up when I am hungry." "That is sad." "No! Not really." "Why do you eat humans?" "It’s just what we do." "Are there many others like you?" "There are no others like me. Not anymore." "Hmmm," I said, knowingly. "Who is the real monster here?" "Wait. I am. I am the monster who ate you." "Yes, but really…" "Just shut up" I said "Would you like to talk about your feelings?" "Oh please!" I said "I understand." "ARGH." I could feel a great wrenching then move through its body, as if exerting a massive sudden force. Heavy noises came from outside. The liquid around my shoes began bubbling. The hole in the roof of the chamber opened up and the end of a tree was shoved in, branches and all. The monster pushed it down to the floor. With a mouthful of tree it yelled "SHUT UP!" With each downward stroke: "JUST. SHUT. UP!" I had to scramble to get out of its way. It was pushed down again and again and each time the monster saying "Oh GOD!" It was doing far more damage to its own  stomach walls than it was to me. Down and down again it came. I had to press right up flat against the edges of the chamber, but I managed to avoid all but the scratchy ends of the branches. It was so angry. "You are in denial," I called up. "These are avoidance tactics." "ARGH!" it yelled. It started swirling the branch around. "This isn’t working. This never works." "STOP IT." It pushed the tree all the way in, roots and all, then bent over forwards near double, opened his maw even further and began a weird forwards stumble. "I will bloody show you!" it yelled. Then its voice became garbled, as great clods of earth began pouring in through the hole in the top of the chamber, as it put its head down and ploughed up the turf into its mouth. The rocks tumbling in scratched at his walls, and its digestive juices reacted violently with the sodden earth. The walls of its stomach began spasming. I said, "Ah! you are an allegory for consumerism!" "Oh dear lord! Will you cease your prattling!" It abandoned the field and picked up incredible speed.  A great impact rolled me around as he smashed himself in to a wall. I said, "this is so self defeating." "OH GOD OH GOD," it said. I could see the bleeding walls of his stomach shudder with effort. I felt pushed down to the floor of the stomach just then. It was climbing the walls of the great steeple at the centre of the park. It reached the top and bellowed at the top of its voice: "I AM THE MONSTER THAT ATE YOU." And I was suddenly weightless. It had thrown itself from the tower. I buried myself in the dirt. With a great whomf, and a flattening of its stomach, it landed heavily, right on its belly. The dirt compacted around me and kept me safe. It began a deep moaning, and started a ragged, juddering movement as it pulled itself along by its hands. "I will destroy you!" it said, over and over. Suddenly it stopped. "What’s this?" It said. I braced myself. It reached down to pick something up. "LOOK. HERE'S A CAT. HAVE A BLOODY CAT." And he chucked a cat down its throat. The cat did not respond well to this at all. I curled up in to a ball and put my head down as the cat arched its back and bared its teeth. Then it lashed and leapt around the chamber trying to get out. "WHAT IS THIS NEW HELL?" yelled the monster. I just put my head down. "ARGH!" it yelled. And the vibrations of the voice only inspired greater fury in the cat. Its claws and its teeth were like a storm of razors flailing around the monster’s stomach wall. It’s blood was like rainfall. "OH COME ON!" And then its stomach wall bulged in violently and with one final roar I was bathed in the  lights of the  city once more as the monster tore open its own stomach wall and reached its hands in. It pulled out the cat and the branch and the rocks and myself. The flood of it fell out in front of him. The cat walked off. I brushed myself off and stood up unsteadily. The monster, with some difficulty, straightened too, holding the flaps of his stomach closed with his hands with some attempts at dignity. Me and the monster looked at each other for a good long moment It said, "let us never speak of this again." And then it wandered off in to the night. And I felt that something special had passed between us. A communication deeper than words. An understanding deeper than knowledge. I stood in the park for some time, pondering the events of the evening.

Then I went home, and stood in the shower for twelve hours.

THIS HAS BEEN THE FIRST EPISODE OF THE LOST CAT PODCAST, SEASON 3, TITLED 'THE MONSTER THAT ATE ME', WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY A P CLARKE. COPYRIGHT 2017.

THANK YOU FOR LISTENING.

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