#azrambles

[amarynceus]

For a few days after I got home, I thought maybe I'd escape it, but the creeping con crud finally got me. I'll get to my huge stack of post-con commissions asap, but for now I'm still in recovery mode.

If you commissioned me at the con, and haven’t yet given me a shipping address to mail your drawing to, please do get that info to me by the end of next week!  Once I get over the crud I’ll be aiming to blast all those drawings out as soon as I can; thanks again for your patience.

- AZ / Amar

[amarynceus]

State of the Artist - September 2019

Hello all.  It’s been a while since I did one of these.

Sorry for the lapse in communication; BronyCon drained me more than I realised, on top of fighting the general burnout and anxiety and minor depressive episodes I’ve had for some time.  I’m just coming out of one that ate the last week and a half or so (I managed to destroy a client's watercolour painting right as it was on the verge of completion) and am trying to get back on track.  I haven’t had energy for being online or interacting with people; about the only site I’ve been active on is Twitter, and only sporadically.  My apologies to those who have sent me messages lately; chances are I haven’t even seen them yet.  I’ll do my best to catch up on correspondence as soon as I can.

Now, a few items.

BronyCon Commissions

First of all, if you commissioned me at BronyCon but haven’t yet sent me your mailing address, please do so! I still have no place to send a half dozen or so of these commissions, and no way of contacting anyone.  If you’ve lost the business card I gave you when you commissioned me, please email me at amarynceus78@gmail.com with your mailing address and a brief description of what you commissioned so I can match it with my notes from the convention.

My apologies for the delays on these.  I took too many (3 dozen!) and severely underestimated the time it would take me to complete them all, and am still only halfway through the list.  I’ve also had multiple interruptions and delays that have severely damaged my creative output for the last several weeks.  I’m back at work now, though, and will complete and send out commissions as soon as possible.  I still have 17 traditional comms to complete from BC, including all the inks and colours.  Thank you all for your patience.  A dozen or so have been mailed out, and I plan to have the rest of them completed within the next two weeks.

(I know that’s what I said a month ago when I took the commissions in the first place!  Con crud and general exhaustion took a greater toll than anticipated, quite apart from other life interruptions.)

BronyCon in Retrospect

BronyCon was quite the experience.  Way too many people for me, but it was really great to see so many wonderful horse people, and to see so many of my beautiful trans siblings out and proud. <3  I wish I had had more energy to do and see things outside of the vendor’s hall, but four days of vending took basically all of my energy. It was amazing to get to hang out with so many friends I've made online; that was by far the best part.  I didn't get to spend near enough time with any of you, but I'm thankful for the time I had.

Thanks again to all those who dropped by my booth at BronyCon to say hi or to buy my art.  It was quite the experience, and great to meet many fans in person.

That said, it was extremely exhausting. 11,000 people was a bit much for me, especially having only done one convention before.  I'm glad all the conventions I'm thinking of applying to vend at next year are much smaller affairs.

Patreon Paused

My Patreon continues to be on hiatus until I’ve caught up more on my past-due rewards.  It will be paused through October and possibly November.  Please note that I have ‘Charge Up Front’ enabled, so I’d suggest those interested in supporting my Patreon campaign sign on at the $1 tier for now, even if you’re eyeing a higher tier.

If you want to donate to support me during the hiatus, my PayPal is via avatarzbrown@gmail.com.

General Commission Notes

I am very close to completing my current queue of in-progress works.  Once I do so, I’ll be going on holiday to recharge.  I’ve been running on empty for far too long.  

I’ll be taking on new commissions once I’m completely caught up on the art I owe people, and not before.

Burnout and Depression

As I’ve mentioned, I’ve been struggling with these.  This year has been difficult for me; I’ve been struggling with a lot of health issues, physical and mental, and it’s been extremely difficult to get any artwork done, either for others or myself.  Indeed, I’ve hardly been drawing for myself at all since the end of the 1000 Days of Doodles.  When I can manage to force myself to be productive, I’m compelled to work on my long-overdue commissions; I feel too guilty and anxious to work on my own projects most of the time.  This is most likely only further contributing to my general malaise with art.

I had a lot of plans and ambitions for this year.  By this point I was supposed to have created an artbook of the 1000 Days of Doodles project, be four months past the launch my long-delayed comic, caught up with all my patron rewards and gift art, completed all my commissions, and have finished two dozen more paintings that have been bubbling around for a while.  

I have managed to do exactly zero of these things, and I’m not at all happy about it.  After completing almost 550 individual artworks in 2018, I expected, once I had rested and recovered, to be able to turn that kind of energy and productivity on other things.  That has not happened, and it has been disheartening and disappointing, to say the least.  I’ve basically been feeling like a total failure and imposter, flawed and fake and worthless. (I know this isn’t true.)

Of course, one problem is that I never rested and recovered.  I gave myself a little time at the start of the year, but I tried to force myself back to work too soon, and have been paying the price ever since.  I kept telling myself, 'I’m just a bit tired, another week and I’ll feel fine,' week after week after week - it’s only lately that I’ve had to admit that I’ve actually been fighting burnout.  If I had taken an extra month at the beginning of the year, perhaps I could have averted this; that’s just idle speculation, though.

Anyway, I could go on and on, but I have to deal with things the way they are.  I’ll keep chipping away at the work and dig myself out of this hole.  Thank you for your patience.  I'll get everything done as soon as I can.

Cheers and take care of yourselves.  Burnout stinks.

- AZ / Amar

Again, if you haven’t sent me your mailing address for your BronyCon commission, please send it and a description of your piece to amarynceus78@gmail.com.

[amarynceus]

In case you needed to hear this

Thank you for your patience, dear commissioners, patrons, et al.

No, I have not forgotten about your commission/reward/prize/kiriban.  Yes, I’m still working on it.  No, it’s not done, but it’s getting close.  One, many, or all of these might be among the reasons you haven’t heard from me lately about your piece:

I’m just really slow and I’m not done yet.

I don’t like sharing unfinished work unless I need input to solve a problem.

There’s something I’ve drawn or painted that looks like utter crap and I’m not willing to give you an update until I’ve fixed it.

I’m really slow.

There’s something wrong with it, I’m not sure what it is, so it’s sitting until I have fresh eyes to lay on it.

I’m really fucking slow.

I temporarily lost my inspiration on the piece and I’m not willing to just ‘go through the motions’ to finish it, as it would result in inferior work.

Did I mention I’m slow.

Anyhoo!  Just wanted to put that out there, because my finances have dictated I open commissions very soon even though I still have several to finish.

AZ / Amar

[amarynceus]

With tumblr taking a shit on itself and all creatives in the process...

Although I’ll still keep and update my main tumblr, I’ll probably start being more active on other sites.

For finished art (no sketches or WIPs):

https://www.deviantart.com/amarynceus

I have a twitter that I’ll be using more for art and less for spamming retweets, and will probably set up another feed for just art.

https://twitter.com/amarynceus

Oh, and apparently I have an instagram that I set up when I started the 1000 Days and then.... completely forgot about?  I’ll start using it once the 1000 Days of Doodles is complete and I have the energy for other things, but for now it’s totally empty.  ^^’

https://www.instagram.com/amarynceus/

I’ll also be looking at pillowfort and a few other art sites.  I have several completely dormant art accounts on places like conceptart that might be worth dusting off, and I’ll be setting up my own dedicated site next year.

Oh, and patrons of all levels will always get the maximum amount of my art, even when I don’t share it on other sites. <3

https://www.patreon.com/amarynceus

[amarynceus]

Another month has ambushed us all!  Anyway, a new month means a new to-do list!  Here’s to this one being filled with only green checkmarks, not like the sea of red from last month’s to-do list:

Of course, the list from the month before that fared even worse.

Here’s to getting shit done and a productive November!