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amarynceus · 5 years

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State of the Artist - September 2019

Hello all. It’s been a while since I did one of these.

Sorry for the lapse in communication; BronyCon drained me more than I realised, on top of fighting the general burnout and anxiety and minor depressive episodes I’ve had for some time. I’m just coming out of one that ate the last week and a half or so (I managed to destroy a client's watercolour painting right as it was on the verge of completion) and am trying to get back on track. I haven’t had energy for being online or interacting with people; about the only site I’ve been active on is Twitter, and only sporadically. My apologies to those who have sent me messages lately; chances are I haven’t even seen them yet. I’ll do my best to catch up on correspondence as soon as I can.

Now, a few items.

BronyCon Commissions

First of all, if you commissioned me at BronyCon but haven’t yet sent me your mailing address, please do so! I still have no place to send a half dozen or so of these commissions, and no way of contacting anyone. If you’ve lost the business card I gave you when you commissioned me, please email me at [email protected] with your mailing address and a brief description of what you commissioned so I can match it with my notes from the convention.

My apologies for the delays on these. I took too many (3 dozen!) and severely underestimated the time it would take me to complete them all, and am still only halfway through the list. I’ve also had multiple interruptions and delays that have severely damaged my creative output for the last several weeks. I’m back at work now, though, and will complete and send out commissions as soon as possible. I still have 17 traditional comms to complete from BC, including all the inks and colours. Thank you all for your patience. A dozen or so have been mailed out, and I plan to have the rest of them completed within the next two weeks.

(I know that’s what I said a month ago when I took the commissions in the first place! Con crud and general exhaustion took a greater toll than anticipated, quite apart from other life interruptions.)

BronyCon in Retrospect

BronyCon was quite the experience. Way too many people for me, but it was really great to see so many wonderful horse people, and to see so many of my beautiful trans siblings out and proud. <3 I wish I had had more energy to do and see things outside of the vendor’s hall, but four days of vending took basically all of my energy. It was amazing to get to hang out with so many friends I've made online; that was by far the best part. I didn't get to spend near enough time with any of you, but I'm thankful for the time I had.

Thanks again to all those who dropped by my booth at BronyCon to say hi or to buy my art. It was quite the experience, and great to meet many fans in person.

That said, it was extremely exhausting. 11,000 people was a bit much for me, especially having only done one convention before. I'm glad all the conventions I'm thinking of applying to vend at next year are much smaller affairs.

Patreon Paused

My Patreon continues to be on hiatus until I’ve caught up more on my past-due rewards. It will be paused through October and possibly November. Please note that I have ‘Charge Up Front’ enabled, so I’d suggest those interested in supporting my Patreon campaign sign on at the $1 tier for now, even if you’re eyeing a higher tier.

If you want to donate to support me during the hiatus, my PayPal is via [email protected].

General Commission Notes

I am very close to completing my current queue of in-progress works. Once I do so, I’ll be going on holiday to recharge. I’ve been running on empty for far too long.

I’ll be taking on new commissions once I’m completely caught up on the art I owe people, and not before.

Burnout and Depression

As I’ve mentioned, I’ve been struggling with these. This year has been difficult for me; I’ve been struggling with a lot of health issues, physical and mental, and it’s been extremely difficult to get any artwork done, either for others or myself. Indeed, I’ve hardly been drawing for myself at all since the end of the 1000 Days of Doodles. When I can manage to force myself to be productive, I’m compelled to work on my long-overdue commissions; I feel too guilty and anxious to work on my own projects most of the time. This is most likely only further contributing to my general malaise with art.

I had a lot of plans and ambitions for this year. By this point I was supposed to have created an artbook of the 1000 Days of Doodles project, be four months past the launch my long-delayed comic, caught up with all my patron rewards and gift art, completed all my commissions, and have finished two dozen more paintings that have been bubbling around for a while.

I have managed to do exactly zero of these things, and I’m not at all happy about it. After completing almost 550 individual artworks in 2018, I expected, once I had rested and recovered, to be able to turn that kind of energy and productivity on other things. That has not happened, and it has been disheartening and disappointing, to say the least. I’ve basically been feeling like a total failure and imposter, flawed and fake and worthless. (I know this isn’t true.)

Of course, one problem is that I never rested and recovered. I gave myself a little time at the start of the year, but I tried to force myself back to work too soon, and have been paying the price ever since. I kept telling myself, 'I’m just a bit tired, another week and I’ll feel fine,' week after week after week - it’s only lately that I’ve had to admit that I’ve actually been fighting burnout. If I had taken an extra month at the beginning of the year, perhaps I could have averted this; that’s just idle speculation, though.

Anyway, I could go on and on, but I have to deal with things the way they are. I’ll keep chipping away at the work and dig myself out of this hole. Thank you for your patience. I'll get everything done as soon as I can.

Cheers and take care of yourselves. Burnout stinks.

- AZ / Amar

Again, if you haven’t sent me your mailing address for your BronyCon commission, please send it and a description of your piece to [email protected].

#update #state of the artist #september #azrambles #burnout #anxiety #depression #commissions

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