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evangelene · 8 years ago

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What You Can’t Have Pt. 2

Summary: You always want what you can’t have: You want Seokjin, Yoongi wants Yoora and the only seemingly happy couple is the wanted themselves. Until you and Yoongi get drunk one night and fall into a relationship that neither of you wanted or planned. The only problem is, could either of you move on from your first loves to fall again?

23 pags and 10K+ later this is what y’all get. WHY IS THIS SO LONG?!

THERE WILL STILL BE ONE MORE PART TO THIS

WARNINGS: Sexual situations, blood, angst, idiocy, derpiness, general super fluff for whatever reason, also heartbreak. The usual. You know me.

PART ONE / PART THREE

It'd been a month and a half since you and Yoongi started dating and, for some reason, your stomach was finally starting to release on that feeling that you needed to escape--that you needed to tuck and roll out of this relationship and back into singledom. Maybe it was because Yoongi was your best friend so dating him didn't feel like dating anyone at all. Because he was your friend, he wasn't demanding; he didn't want anything else out of you other than your presence--no kisses, little hugs, no cuddling, no pressure to hold hands, none of it. You were both interested in other people, and that was what made the relationship work best. At least, that was what you thought.

To everyone else, it probably looked like you were a couple permanently stuck on their first date--always awkward, like you were just learning how to be around each other in this new way. Today was no different.

You wrapped your arms around your stomach to disguise all your insecurities as the water washed over your hips and kept your thighs out of view. Turning over your shoulder, you spotted Yoongi on the shore, unable to make himself move forward into the ocean with his modest swimshorts and shirt. There were two reasons you were halfway out into the shallows contemplating just throwing yourself off the drop-off: you loved the water, and you were (stupidly) wearing a bikini. You went swimsuit shopping with Yoora yesterday and, after debating between a one or two piece, you'd gone with the latter. At the time, you didn't think it'd matter; then, there you were practically bolting into the water until it was up to your chest just to cover everything from Yoongi's sight. He was an idol, he was literally perfection.

You...well, you had these things called stomach, thighs, butt, breasts--yeah, you were a walking ball of insecurity. Why the hell didn't you think about that previously?

"Yoongi?" You shouted to him only to find him staring at you blankly. He started into the water, moving in until he was about ankle deep before he found himself content with that depth. He curled a hand over his ear, raising an eyebrow at you.

"Are you sure we should be doing this?"

"Dating or coming to the beach?" He was grinning, speaking softly enough to get you to come closer just so you could hear him. You frowned but took one whole step closer.

"Dating." You shouted. "I can read your freaking lips dumbass!" It was a hot day out--global warming and all of its bipolar glory--and the water, surprisingly wasn't as cold as you thought it'd be.

He ran his tongue over his teeth. "Come here and talk to me."

"You come here!"

With a sigh, he stepped in up to his shins. "Better?" He grinned, holding his hand out at his sides. "Look, it's only been a month and a half Y/N, why don't we--"

"Yoongi my past relationships lasted two weeks." You slowly stepped closer, squatting as you walked to keep your body submerged and out of sight. "Why are we still doing this? It's not helping either of us, is it?"

He stared down at you as you approached his shins like a fucking crab, determined to keep your body from his view as best you could. "Did it not help with the fact that we slept together?"

Your hands wrapped around his ankles to keep you steady in the waves. "It did...but I just...Yoongi--what if I'm ruining your chance to truly move on? You're at a point in your career where you're able to meet so many women, being tied to a girl you don't even love doesn't make sense."

"Why are you making me look down at you? I'm not dating a sea creature; I'm dating the human Y/N." You glared at him until he chuckled and squat down just enough to keep his butt out of the water. "Would it really matter if we broke up? I'm not moving on anytime soon, Y/N. Yoora--Yoora still matters to me too much for that to be possible." There was pain in your body but you ignored it, you were squatting just as awkwardly as Yoongi was, except for you didn't have the idol training and muscle to back it up. "And I can see in your eyes that it's the same for you. Heartbreak is better together right? Especially when you trust that person with your life."

"You are soooooo cheesy." You plopped your hands in the next wave, splashing water up and into his face, dotting his dry shirt and arms with droplets.

The Yoongi glare that froze his members in place didn't work on you --you only grinned innocently. "Did you just splash me?"

"Well, did you see a fish? You never know, really--you're getting old, should we get your eyes checked?" Your fingers tightened on his ankles once more. "Besides, what are you going to do to me when you don't even want to get in the water? How are you going to stop me if I do this?!" You tugged on his legs, causing him to lose balance and fall forward into the water, creating a splash that was far larger than your measly attack earlier.

Yoongi came up from the water--drenched from head to toe now--like a monster with his glare. You tried to thrash away with giggles but his hands found your ankles and soon you were being dragged back to him, his fingers digging into your waist. Unceremoniously, he got a good grip on you and hoisted you up over his shoulder. Your following squeal must have been exactly what he was looking for because you could feel his shoulder vibrate in your stomach.

"Hey, hey! Your cheesiness is cute and there wasn't a fish it was me! I confess! I repent!! Shit!" You screamed as he carried you deeper into the water, laughing despite all the racket you were making. "Yoongi, don't kill me!" His chuckles increased, giving you a mini stomach massage before he put his hands on your thighs and flipped you face first into the water.

You burst through the surface after your feet got purchase on the sandy bottom, spitting water in his face with a piece of floating seaweed dangling down in front of your eye. Yoongi was laughing despite the saliva soaked salt water, blooming a bright, gummy smile that warmed something inside of you. Instead of giving into your urge to reach out and hold his hand, you tackled him backwards into the water.

It was easier to wrestle with people than it was with feelings.

~.~

You pushed open the door to the boys' dorm, taking your shoes off at the entrance. "Yoongi?" You called out after there was no response. "Boys?"

"Y/N?"

"Hoseok?"

"Y/N!" You strode out of the foyer only to get yourself wrapped up in Hoseok's arms; instantly you were swept off your feet and spun in circles until your stomach flipped. "You're here!" He grinned up at you, laughing as you let out a small shriek. "You haven't been here recently; you used to come by all the time!" Hoseok set you down but kept his arms around you, still hugging you tightly in his determination to make an idiotic point. "It's not fair that Yoongi gets you all to himself! You're our Y/N too!!"

"Aww Hoseok, let go of her before Yoongi finds you!" Jungkook shouted from the couch with the other boys, watching Namjoon and Taehyung battle it out in an obscure racing game that you bought for them to keep the maknaes entertained.

As if on cue, a slipper came flying from the hall to smack into the side of Hoseok's head.

"That's because she's my girlfriend and not yours." But the threat fell flat; you were well aware that he would never love you in the way that constituted a romantic relationship or the jealousy that he was pretending to display. Yoongi was a great actor honestly, if you didn't know any better you would have thought that it was real.

"Y/N is here?" You turned to spot Yoora detangling herself from Seokjin so he could come up and wrap his arms around you. Despite the fact that her boyfriend was hugging you, Yoora was smiling at the two of you. "You're really here." He breathed into your hair. "I haven't seen you in so long--I'm so happy you could make it to our movie night."

You gripped his arm, trying desperately not to let your hands shake. "Yeah, I'm happy too." You whispered, grinning at the side of his face. "It's good to see you all."

Before Seokjin could say anything else, a second slipper smacked him upside the head. You both snapped your gaze to Yoongi who walked past as if he did nothing, wrapping one arm around your middle to yank you from Seokjin's grasp. Before you could question him, he shoved you to sit you next to Namjoon who was twisting the game controller wildly.

"Jin, I need your help in the kitchen for popcorn and snacks." Yoongi grunted, kicking the back of Seokjin's knee to get him to move forward towards the archway of said kitchen.

Namjoon and Yoora both looked at you for answers to questions that you were asking yourself.

"What was that all about?" Namjoon murmured, "Are you okay, Y/N?"

"Yoongi's acting weird." Yoora whispered. "Is he jealous of Seokjin?"

You wanted to scream in her face, tell him that duh he was jealous of Seokjin but it definitely wasn't over you--it was over her. Yoongi loved Yoora and Yoora only. You sighed, shaking your head. "I don't see why he would have a reason to be, Seokjin is your boyfriend not mine." You chuckled, tucking your knees up to your chest.

"What about Seokjin?" The guy himself grinned with a bowl of popcorn in hand. He patted your head as he passed before dropping down to sit next to his girlfriend. Seokjin tangled his legs in Yoora's, wrapping his arm around her shoulders so he could bring her close and kiss her temple. Instead of the usual knife to the heart that the sight was, it was more like a dull ache in the pit of your stomach.

"What's Yoongi doing?" You said.

Seokjin shrugged, nosing Yoora. With a sigh you pushed up to your feet, wandering into the kitchen yourself only to find Yoongi with his hands on the counter, his head bent as the microwave ticked the seconds. The veins in his arms were popped and you could see his fingertips turning white.

"Yoongi?" You murmured, watching him turn around to face you. Something passed from his gaze before you could spot it, the hardness in his stare softened but not by much. "Are you alright?" You whispered.

He popped his cheek out with his tongue, staring at you. "Yeah, I'm fine."

You crossed your arms and cocked your hip, raising one eyebrow at him.

He sighed. "I'm fine, Y/N."

"Is it because Yoora didn't come up to say hello? Or is it because you're jealous of Seokjin? You know, for this dating thing to work you actually have to pretend that you like me." You giggled.

Yoongi was never known to be angry, never known to be emotional in any terms of the word. But this man right in front of you was full of so many strange emotions that you could not place or identify. "You're popular you know that? More popular than you think. Why the hell are you with me to begin with?"

"What?" You furrowed your brow on him, stepping deeper into the kitchen so your conversation wasn't immediately understandable to those outside were they actually listening. "Yoongi what the hell are you talking about?"

He shook his head, clearing whatever crazed thoughts were blooming in his head until the Yoongi that you've always known was finally back. "I'm sorry--I just, Yoora. I hate seeing them together."

You reached for his hand, surprised that he actually let you take it. For some reason you thought he'd either flinch or smack you away. "Hey, hey. It's okay."

He glanced at you, his lips parting to speak, but he couldn't.

"I get it." You whispered. "But weren't you the one that told me to forget about it? Weren't you the one to tell me we should move on? Yoongi, pretend like they don't exist tonight."

"Y/N, they are literally right in front of our faces."

"Then look at me." You murmured, your eyes searching his. "Look only at me tonight."

"Y/N, I--"

"Hey Yoongi? Shut up." You chuckled, slinging his arm over your shoulders. "You smell like spices, you know that?"

He gave you one of his silent laughs, shaking his head before dropping his forehead to your shoulder in relief. "You smell like flowers; I don't know the type of flower, but I know that it's the kind that everyone wants to cherish." He winced at himself. "Too cheesy?"

"Nah." You snorted, pushing his fringe off his forehead so you could better see his expression. "I like cheesy. Now hurry up with the popcorn and meet me out there, okay? They're waiting."

You started towards the living room, but before you could leave the kitchen entirely Yoongi called your name.

"Yeah?" You stopped in your tracks, peering over your shoulder at him.

"When Seokjin hugged you--did you...did you feel anything?"

"He was warm." You grinned to the floor, unable to meet Yoongi's gaze due to the heat flaring up your neck. "And tall, and he smells like vanilla and sugar cookies and I really didn't want the hug to ever end. I'm sure, if it was you and Yoora, you would feel the same."

"Yeah." He whispered to himself as you left the kitchen. "The same."

You flopped yourself down next to Namjoon, resting your back comfortably against him. Shortly after, Yoongi came in with a bowl of popcorn, knocking your legs off his spot and twisting you over to his side so you were no longer using the leader of BTS as a backrest. "Excuse you."

"Well, you're taking up all the room."

You snorted and bumped your shoulder with his; as a result he set his hand back down on your leg, fingers motioning for you to lace your hand with his. Every time your gaze found Seokjin and Yoora, you could feel Yoongi giving your hand a gentle squeeze, transferring your attention to the warmth of his skin. Seokjin glanced over at the two of you, his gaze finding the point where Yoongi's skin met yours--you could only smile and pretend like the heat of Yoongi's skin wasn't making the tips of your ears red.

~.~

You were confusing the absolute fuck out of yourself; mainly because muddled feelings, staring blankly at the boys on a variety show for hours and drinking straight from a bottle of liquor you'd had for the past year did not go together at all.

You knew you were shit at handling tequila (was it tequila or gin? You'd lost the ability to properly read an hour ago), but when you saw it on your shelf that night it held a promise that it would help solve all your problems. Well, if your problem was soberness then yes it definitely obliterated that. Helping sort through your feelings for two different men? Then no. Tequila (?): one, you: zero.

To make the score on Tequila's side even higher, you decided right then and there that yes, you had to go see the boys right this fucking instant because how else were you supposed to figure out why Yoongi's hand made you feel warm and fuzzy while Seokjin's hugs stabbed holes through your heart?

Yeah no, you were not known for good choices and sobriety.

You stumbled out on the sidewalk, still in your pajamas (at least you thought they were your pajamas but really it was Seokjin's old band shirt you stole six years ago and a pair of leggings you found on your floor) as you giggled and hiccupped. Like a fucking idiot, you started towards the boys' dorms only to go the wrong way because drunk you was one: too flirty for her own safety, two: dumber than dirt, and three: terrible with directions.

"Heeey, baby, where are you going?"

You turned to the sound of a voice, grinning as you slurred. "I have a boyfriend, but shhh...don't tell anyone that he doesn't actually like me."

"Aww, you poor thing, we could make you feel great." The two men went from fuzzy blurs to clear images of pure creep in front of you; granted, drunk you could practically believe they were saints there to lead you safely to the boys' dorm. "Why you crying sweetie? We'll take you home after, it'll be just fine."

You furrowed your brow in confusion, your fingers dabbing at your damp cheeks; your eyes felt puffy, how long had you been crying for? "What're you offerin'? Because I like--" you hiccuped, "--ah, I don't know who I like."

One of the men slung his arm around your shoulders, wiping the tears from your face with the back of his finger. "You like us, don't you?" His grin grew into something that made the shadows swirl around you.

You stared at them, watching them come in and out of focus until you shook your head. "Nah, you know that idol--BTS or whatever? Bulletproof girlscouts? Or was it boyscouts? Shiiiiit."

They chuckled. "Yeah sweetie, whatever you say. Come with us."

"Will you take me to them?" You whispered as if it was a secret that you were looking for your long time friends. But maybe it was--after all, as far as the world knew, you had no ties to the international idols.

"Of course, baby. Of course." Just as they started to walk with you, well more like lead you back down the alley from whence they came, a car swerved up to the side of the curb. The car did not turn off; it just came a squeaky stop followed by a tall man practically bolting out of the driver's side.

"Y/N! What the hell are you doing?"

The three of you turned to stare at the man--well you, you attempted to turn but wound up leaning on one of the men for support.

"Wait, bro, isn't that--"

"Jinnie!!" You grinned. "Will you take me to Yoongi? These guys said that they--" You turned as said men left you alone by practically running full speed down the street. "Where they go?"

"Have you been drinking?" He hissed, sliding his jacket over your bare shoulders. "And what the hell did you do to my shirt?"

"Is tequila a drink?" You followed his gaze to stare down at the fabric covering your chest. "You don't like it? It got hot so I cut off the sleeves."

He shook his head, helping you into the passenger side of his car.

"Seokseok?"

"That's your nickname for Hoseok, Y/N; I'm Seokjin."

"I'm drunk."

Seokjin chuckled, buckling you in. "Yes, yes you are. I'll take you to Yoongi and he'll take care of you, okay?"

"Why won't you?" You murmured, staring up at him with wide, oblivious, idiotic eyes. "Because I'm not Yoora?"

Seokjin licked his lips, his eyes refusing to break from your stare before he reached over to tuck fallen strands of hair behind your ear. "Because you're dating Yoongi, Y/N." Before you could say anything else stupid, forcing him to say something stupid, he closed your door.

~.~

Yoongi rolled out of bed to fervent knocking on his bedroom door. He was thankful that he finally got his own room, because, when he answered the door, he found something that would have irritated the fuck out of his roommate.

Seokjin was standing there with you tucked up in his arms like you were a child, your head lolling against his chest as you murmured nothingness in your sleep. "Yoongi, I brought you a gift."

Yoongi wanted to hit him; for the first time, Yoongi felt like he would actually deck an elder into unconsciousness. He rubbed at the side of his head instead, glaring at Seokjin. "Return it."

"I found it on the street drunker than drunk, she was almost taken by two men--I don't really think her being home alone is a good idea. A thank you would be nice."

Yoongi stared at your sleeping face, his frown turning into a scowl. "Fucking idiot." He shook his head, pointing to his bed. "Put her there, I'll go sleep on the couch tonight."

"She's your girlfriend; I think it's alright for you to stay in your own damn room." Seokjin murmured, placing you on Yoongi's bed with such care that it was too much for the rapper.

Yoongi's eyes hardened on Seokjin's back. "You like her, don't you?"

"Y/N? She's my childhood friend, of course I like her."

Yoongi practically slammed his forehead into a wall but he settled for covering his mouth with a hand. "Morons, the all of you." He sighed. "Me included." He peeled himself from his momentary face-palming and stepped closer to stare down at you as you shifted, exposing your neck and a sliver of your stomach. "Do you know what she was doing out there?" Yoongi murmured, tugging down your shirt.

"She was looking for you." Seokjin's gaze pierced the underside of Yoongi's jaw as his fingers lingered on the fabric.

"You can go now." Yoongi whispered, murmuring a thank you under his breath as Seokjin left him alone with you.

"Seokseok." You mumbled in your sleep. Yoongi flicked your forehead, bringing you into the world of the living.

"Oongi?" You slurred.

Yoongi sat himself on the edge of the bed, curling his lip at you. "Jeesus, how much did you drink?"

"I dunno, a lot?" You giggled.

"Dumbass. You just about got yourself kidnapped." Yoongi stared at you, shaking his head with a small smirk. "Honestly, what am I going to do with you?"

"Take off my pants."

Yoongi choked on his own spit, coughing to the floor as he nearly fell off the bed in shock. "Y/N--what in the actual fuck?"

"Whaaat?? It's nothing you haven't seen before." As if proving that you said what he thought you said, you started trying to shimmy out of your leggings, wriggling like a god damn fool on his bed in a way that had him pulling the covers over either side of you to mummify your body and keep your hands pinned at your sides.

"If you were sober, you'd kill yourself--you know that right?" He grunted as you fought his restraints, waiting until you went lax before letting you free.

"Sooo? Sober me is boriinnngg." You whined. Yoongi stared at your bare shoulders as the shirt you'd destroyed slid dangerously, grinding his teeth in his jaw before getting up to get a long-sleeve turtleneck from his dresser.

Except for, when he turned around with said clothing in hand, he found that you had already shed yourself of your shirt and pants and were now stumbling around trying to figure out how the hell your damn bra worked.

"Y/N!" Yoongi shouted, running to close the door before the night owl maknaes--or worse, Seokjin-- decided to peek in his room at this very moment. Only then did he try to gather your clothes and force some decency on you--well until you decided to give him a drunken attempt at flirting by biting your lip before grabbing his face in both of your hands. Without any warning, you smashed your lips against his, chewing his bottom lip until he gasped and gave you the opening you needed to slip your tongue between his teeth. The icing on the fucking cake was when you groaned against his lips in just that right pitch that--

Yoongi grabbed your wrists, shoving you back against the nearest wall next to a poster of an American rapper. His body caged yours, his throat dry as he swallowed and stared at the apex of your neck, the dip of the strap to your bra. He licked his lips and shook his head. "You are drunk, Y/N. No. This is not right, go back to being asleep. You were easier to manage then."

When you gave him another one of your wicked grins he physically picked you up and dropped you onto his bed. "Sleep. Now." He murmured, going back to pick up the shirt he was going to force on you and your lost leggings. When he turned around to dress you once more, he found you pouting as you twisted your arms behind you to unclasp your--

Yoongi had never ran so damn fast in his life. He grabbed hold of your wrists, yanking them away from your sides. "Y/N, stop. Stop it now."

"Your voice...strained." You slurred, giggling as you head lolled to the side. "What if I don't want to stop?" Your face was so close, your breath hot in his ear in a way that spread goosebumps across his skin. "Yoongi, why won't you kiss me? Just take off those pesky clothes and come and fu--"

He grit his teeth, twisting so he could shove you back against the bed and shut you up--this time with your wrists pinned above your head. "Don't do this, Y/N--don't make me tie you to this fucking bed."

"Ooooh," you giggled, "are the handcuffs at least fuzzy?"

Yoongi's head dropped to your shoulder in defeat, but he didn't dare loosen his grip. It felt like his entire body was shaking with the effort to keep his morals. "Why do you have to be a sexual drunk--why? How the hell am I supposed to deal with this--you and fucking Seokjin seriously just....ahhhh!" Yoongi let out a strangled scream that was muffled by the skin of your shoulder.

"Seokjin." You murmured, thrashing with newfound energy. "Yoongi--ah! I have to go tell Seokjin."

Yoongi felt his entire body go rigid as his eyes flew open, staring directly at your skin--at that mole that he barely remembered kissing in a drunken slur.

"I have to go tell Seokjin that I love--mmm...yeah. I have to tell him that I love--"

Before you could finish your drunken epiphany, Yoongi was off of you and out the door, closing it behind him. As he stood there, he could hear your stammering footsteps and your clumsy hands on the handle. You were murmured pleases, that you had to tell him something--that this needed to happen now. Yoongi blocked the exit with his body, leaning against the door so you couldn't get out and he couldn't get in. As you banged against the door like a possessed woman, Yoongi slid to the ground, waiting until you quieted before resting his head against the wood.

"Yoongi?" Seokjin was on the couch, staring at him. "Is she okay?"

Yoongi snarled. "Fuck you, Seokjin. Just go to bed." He closed his eyes, pretending like the images behind his eyelids were Yoora staring at him with that smile of hers instead of you whispering in his ear in your underwear. "They're both yours anyways."

~.~

You paced your apartment, threading through your rooms until you felt like you had to throw up. He was late and you were keenly aware of that fact. Normally such a thing wouldn't bother you; Yoongi always showed up--he was always there even if he was a bit late. This time though, you felt like you needed to see him. Something in yourself was changing--you wanted to tell him that he was changing you. You wanted to tell him that you were lost and confused, that you didn't know what feelings were what anymore. The person that mattered to you most, was he your boyfriend or your first love?

You didn't know, but you felt like seeing him and speaking to him would help you figure it out.

But he wasn't there.

An hour later, and he was still silent--no text messages, no appearances, no calls, nothing. Suddenly you found yourself sitting on the couch, staring at the front door aimlessly. You didn't know how long you had been sitting there or what time it was when your phone finally rang. Without looking at the caller id, you dove for your phone, sliding across your couch as you pressed it to your ear. For some reason, you were breathing heavily.

"Yoongi?" You whispered.

"Ah, Y/N." You let out a breath you hadn't realized you'd been holding. There wasn't enough oxygen in the air, and while you wanted to be mad, something in you was so excited and happy that you were satisfied with just hearing his voice.

Shit.

"Yoongi, where are you?" Everything else hung on your tongue and weighted the air in your room. I'm looking forward to you coming here. I have something to tell you. Please come here now.

He sounded distracted, unlike when you normally spoke with him. Usually, you could practically hear him lean in to the phone and close his eyes. Yoongi always focused one hundred and ten percent on his task, and currently, that was talking to you.

He laughed, talking to someone in the background.

Double shit. You didn't want to hear this, not now.

"I'm sorry, Y/N. I'm at the hospital right now."

You ducked your head into your chest, your free hand balling into a fist on the edge of the couch. "Are you okay?" Who's with you?

"I'm fine--it's Yoora."

You couldn't say anything for a long time; instead you could only feel yourself shrink into a tiny ball; even in the sanctuary of your home you felt like you wanted to disappear. If you could have thrown your phone, you would have. "Is she okay?" You whispered after what felt like an eternity, though it was probably only a minute.

"Yeah, she's fine--she's just a klutz and conked her head real good. I've been with her all day and I didn't realize what time it was."

It's always her. It will always be her.

Even when you closed your eyes, all you saw and felt was you on a boat without a driver, alone on a lake and sky devoid of stars. You felt your hands shake.

"Why isn't Seokjin there?" You hated the way your voice cracked.

"He's been at the company, he should be here soon."

You nodded even though you knew he couldn't see you. You were surprised by how soothing his voice was even when you were like this; it was something that you didn't realize you had grown so utterly attached to in these past few months that it surprised you when the tears started falling.

"Y/N, are you okay?" You wanted to hang up, throw the phone at a wall, anything but just sit there quietly crying as he questioned you like he actually cared about you--like he wasn't with the girl of his dreams.

Why didn't you tell me? Are you coming here when Seokjin leaves? Why didn't you tell me not to wait up for you?

"Y/N?" You heard shuffling, a voice in the background. "I'll be over later tonight."

"Don't bother, just take care of Yoora."

"Y/N--"

"Goodbye, Yoongi. Have a good night." Before he could say anything else, you hung up. Almost instantly, the phone dropped from your hand. You could feel the ghost of his small touches on your skin, his hand in yours and his smile as he comforted you. You felt like your chest was being torn apart. "Why did we do this?" You murmured. "What's the point of all of this if I'm just going to get broken again?"

You stripped off your prepared date-night clothing, ruffling your hair and moving towards the bedroom to wallow in your newfound pain. You didn't remember doing much else, but you must have gotten yourself in pajamas because soon enough you were crying yourself to sleep under a pile of comforters until sleep took you.

~.~

Once again, as you seemed to be famous for as of late, you woke to the sound of knocking at your door. And again, you managed to roll yourself out of bed and drag a comforter along with you. It was kind of pathetic that you were doing this again; walking to answer the door after a night of crying over a guy--but this time it wasn't Yoongi here to console you. This time it wasn't quick and patient knocking, it was fast, furious, and pleading for you to open the door. With the blanket pulled over your head, you opened the door to none other than Kim Seokjin.

Oh the fucking irony.

"Seokjin?" You rubbed at your puffy eyes. "What are you doing here?"

He was breathing heavy as he stared down at you, but before you could even question him further, he wrapped you in his arms and knocked all the air out of your lungs. "You were crying." He whispered into your hair, his arms so tight around you that you felt them vividly through your comforter. "Why were you crying?"

"Seokjin--why are you here?"

"I went to pick up Yoora yesterday and she told me that Yoongi had been with her all day instead of you. You had a date, didn't you?"

"I--"

Seokjin let out a chuckle that sounded more sad than amused, his breath tickling the back of your neck. "You hate being left alone, you always have."

You felt the tears start to prick at the corners of your eyes again and your hands curled automatically into his jacket. "Why are you here now? Why now?"

"Because you wouldn't answer your phone last night or this morning. So, I thought I'd just come over and make sure you're okay. I worry about you, Y/N. Is Yoongi treating you right?"

You stared up at him, before burying into his chest like you used to do when you were kids and he'd stop the other girls from bullying you. "He does." You whispered. "I've been spoiled."

There was a long pause above you before Seokjin fully swept you off your feet and carried you to your bedroom, placing you on the edge of the bed. You let out a high-pitched squeal; he was so tall--you'd forgotten that. "Well, since I don't believe that you're actually okay and being treated right, how about I get you out of the house for the day, huh?"

You pursed your lips at him, tugging the comforter tighter around you. "What about Yoora? Isn't her birthday party next week?"

Seokjin chuckled, grabbing a dress from your closet. "Yes it is--I've got my gift for her already and she's currently at the apartment being pampered by the boys after being released from the hospital."

You thought of Yoongi, sitting next to her and smiling in a way that he never did when he looked at you. Your toes curled painfully under the comforter. "Are we going there?"

He sighed, setting the dress on the bed next to you. "No. I can't currently look at Yoongi's face without wanting to punch it, so instead we're going to the pier."

"But--your manager and--"

Seokjin put a hand on either side of you, forcing your gaze to meet his. "Y/N, it's fine. We haven't hung out together in ages. Let's just go have fun today, yeah?"

You clutched the comforter, grinning at him. "Yeah, okay. But your breath stinks." You could only laugh when he put on his best offended face and left you alone to get dressed.

~.~

Suddenly, instead of everything reminding you of the man at your side, your had Yoongi vision. You wondered if Yoongi would like this, or if he would want that, or if he would buy that just because you wanted to try it. You knew that, if he were there with you, he would see something he liked but would only stare at it without saying anything only to walk past it entirely. In which, it would be you who would run to go buy it and offer him half. He'd accept it, with false fight in himself, and grin sheepishly as you fed him a bite from the plastic fork in your hand. You imagined your outstretched hand towards him, holding the paper bin underneath to catch any drips, and the smile on his face as he took that first bite. But then your hand became thinner, slender, with impeccable nails and that perfect, pale skin.

Yoora.

You imagined Yoora taking a napkin to wipe the corner of his mouth--you imagined his eyes as they met hers. It was only ever her.

It was always, always, Yoora.

"Y/N? Do you want some?" Seokjin pointed to the food stand vendor you'd been absent-mindedly staring at. "What do you want?" He started to grab his wallet but your hand on his wrist stopped him.

"No." You whispered sheepishly. "I was just thinking that Yoongi would like this place."

You couldn't see the expression of the male next to you because you were too focused on pulling yourself out of your daydreams. "How about we go on some rides?" He grabbed your hand, leading you away and deeper onto the pier.

"Seokjin, you're a big baby. You hate rides." You stared at his back, chuckling at the fact that, even when he was a kid, he always had such broad shoulders. It was one of the things that you liked about him, someone like Seokjin was safe. Seokjin always made sure that you were comfortable; he protected you and was never intentionally going to hurt you.

But weren't you the fucking idiot, you thought that about two men and they both did the same thing--fell in love with a girl, the same girl, that was not and would never be you.

He turned around to look back at you, his brows furrowing. "But you like them and I like that dress on you." He grinned, "You look cute!"

Any other time you would feel your heart skip and your face flush with the constant cheesiness doted upon you, but now, it felt like an older brother doting on his younger sister. It wasn't that stomach flip that you got when Yoongi told you that you looked amazing. It wasn't that warmth in your chest when Yoongi grabbed your hand, when Yoongi took you on a date--when you stared at the stars and finally thought that, yes, you could move on from your first love.

You grinned up at Seokjin. "And your pink shirt suits you too--you look handsome."

"I know." He beamed a smile at you that momentarily blinded you from your lack of stars.

He sat you down in the seat next to him, helping you buckle the always extra complicated mechanism that kept you in place on the ride. You kept seeing Yoongi's fingers, Yoongi's smile as he told you how stupid you were--but there was never any venom.

The ride jolted you forward, Seokjin's hand lacing through yours as he tried (and failed) to stop screaming.

"Seokjin?" You shouted over the wind in your face.

"Is this really the time for talking?" He squeaked out, letting out a high-pitched goat-howl that had you laughing as the wind forcibly shoved your hair off your face. It distracted you enough from your thoughts until suddenly, before either of you realized it, the ride was coming to a slow stop.

"What..." He was panting with all of the exaggeration that was Kim Seokjin. "What did you want to say?"

"What do you like about her?"

"About Yoora?"

You nodded, waiting until the operator came by to undo your latches before standing up and helping the older male do the same; his rubber legs weren't convincing you that he could do it on his own.

"Ah," He nearly tripped. "She's pretty, you know? She makes me feel like I'm the only guy in the world capable of standing by her side. I've never really met someone like her before, you know? She's amazing; no one can honestly hate her. I've never met a more perfect person--besides myself of course." He laughed, turning to look over his shoulder at you only to find you staring up at his back with tears in your eyes, tears that you couldn't stop from spilling over your cheeks. Before you could hurriedly wipe them away with your sleeves, Seokjin was wrapping you in his arms, his chin resting on the top of your head.

"She's unique." He murmured. "But Y/N, there's really only ever been one--" The rush of the ride starting up again behind you muffled his words and you could only twist to stare up at him in confusion as he let his mouth hang open, licking his dry lips. "Come on," He shouted in your ear. "Let's go get some pier food and try one of those stuffed animal games, yeah?"

You nodded, letting him take your hand and guide you woodenly through the exit gates. Before that night at the bar with Yoongi, your heart would probably be out of your chest and writhing on the floor--but now, now all you felt was that Seokjin must really love her.

And so does Yoongi.

And it was in that moment, with Seokjin's hand in yours that you finally let yourself come to terms with the fact that once again, you were in love with a man that would never love you.

And it was no longer Seokjin.

~.~

"Seokjin! Kim Seokjin! Kim Seokjin! Ahhhhh!!" You shrieked, mimicking one of his many fans at BTS' concerts as he threw yet another softball at the stacked milk jugs in one of the game booths on the pier.

He chuckled, whipping the ball practically through the three--sending them falling cleanly to the ground.

"Wooow!" You clapped as if this was the first thing he'd won at the pier and not the backpack of stuffed critters that you were wearing on your back.

He snorted, grabbing the bear from the guy's hands to put in your bag. "Thanks for the support, Y/N."

"It's all for Yoora, you have to get her so many stuffed animals so we can show her how much you love her!" You marched forward, forgetting the way Yoora's name left a horrible aftertaste on your tongue as you tried to keep it all in. All of it. Yoora loved stupid stuffed animals--she collected them. Seokjin's idea was brilliant for his perfect person, and for you, it was just another reminder of the girl that you couldn't hate.

"Yeah." He murmured to your back. "For Yoora."

You paused on your walk in search for the next booth that would fall victim to Seokjin's winning streak. Instead, your eyes found a stuffed animal sloth, one with soft, attentive eyes and arms outstretched towards you. It wasn't the laziness of the animal that reminded you of Yoongi; rather it was the way that the eyes were done, the way the face was shaped with a round curve, the gentleness of the creature with claws. "Yoongi." You murmured.

"What?" Seokjin twisted at your side to see your face, following the path of your eyes to the stuffed prize. "Where is he?"

"The sloth." You murmured. "It reminds me of him, it's so soft."

"Are we talking about the same person?" Seokjin chuckled, avoiding your hand that came out to try and hit him. "You really love him, don't you?"

"I do." You murmured to the sloth from across the street, shaking your head. "But I can't tell him that." You started to walk only to have Seokjin grab your wrist to stop you, forcing your gaze to him.

"Y/N, why?" There was a hardness to his eyes that you had never seen before; some strange emotion on his face that you could name but refused to believe was real. Seokjin was never like this, never for these reasons.

He must be jealous because he knows Yoongi's secret; that Yoongi loves Yoora.

"Ah, well you know with idols and such it's just really hard and all and we'll probably have to break up because I don't think that...ah, you know. I-I have to go to the bathroom, would you watch the stuff?" And before Seokjin could stop you, you dropped the backpack at his feet, bolting down the pier before he could see your tears.

~.~

Seokjin grinned at the booth-keeper. "Thank you." He said as the man pushed him a basket full of softballs. Setting to work immediately, he grabbed one and pulled his arm back, staring at the stupid sloth that you had been eyeing.

Miss.

He felt someone lean against the wood railing next to him, but, determined, he let out one more throw before turning to face them.

Miss.

"What the hell are you doing?' Yoongi hissed, his glare lethal for someone that didn't have immunity to it. Luckily, Seokjin did.

Seokjin sighed, turning back to grab another softball from the basket. "Winning that stuffed sloth."

"For who, Yoora or Y/N?" Yoongi leaned forward, his breath practically on fire. "Where is she?"

"Yoora, she's my girlfriend. Remember?"

"Then why are you here with Y/N?"

"Why were you with Yoora all day?" Seokjin shot back, whipping the ball into a plate hard enough to cause it to bounce back and shatter up--almost hitting the two bickering boys.

"Why are you doing this to her?" Yoongi growled, his fingers tugging through his hair. "This is so fucking stupid. Just admit that you like her."

"Yes, I like Yoora." Seokjin spun on him, his gaze meeting Yoongi's. "I love Yoora."

Yoongi's eyes searched his, flitting around until he scoffed. "If you really love her, then don't talk to Y/N anymore. If you really love her, you would stop giving your childhood friend heart eyes and keeping her all to yourself when she has a boyfriend. But if you can't do that, then how about you dump Yoora and let me have her."

"I--" Seokjin stared at his long-time friend, his brother who had anger burning under his skin.

"Never mind. I don't want to know; just go back to your delusions and I'll go back to mine." Yoongi spun around, his back tightening to the point that even Seokjin could tell from the back of the shorter male that Yoongi hadn't gotten much sleep.

"Yoongi--don't you want to see Y/N?"

"Forget it." Yoongi shouted over his shoulder. "I'll go take care of Yoora, since you're too busy hanging around my girlfriend to take care of her after her concussion."

The booth-keeper stood there awkwardly, coughing under his breath to motion to the wall of available prizes.

"Ah, sorry. I'll take the sloth." He grinned, trying to act as if the heated interaction had never happened. As the man slide the toy across the counter, you slapped your hands on the wooden railing, grinning up at Seokjin.

"Oh! You won it!" You smiled as if he couldn't tell that your eyes were red. "I think Yoora will like it!" You slung the backpack over your shoulders and turned to give Seokjin better access to Yoora's prizes. "I think she'll like it, don't you? It seems like something that I can see her cuddling on our BTS movie nights and rubbing it in your face. Ah, she'll probably tease Yoongi with it. I can see him getting upset and then I would--"

Seokjin cut you off by reaching over you to shove the sloth in your face. "It's not for Yoora, it's for you."

You spun around, staring up at him with wide eyes. "Seokjin?"

"It's for you."

You hugged it to your chest, pressing your face into the top of its furry head as you looked up at Seokjin like a shy toddler. "I can't wait to show it to Yoongi."

Seokjin licked his lips, letting out a deep sigh until you grinned up at him; he couldn't help but smile back at you.

"I'm going to tell him." You whispered. "I'm going to tell Yoongi that I love him."

Seokjin pressed his lips into a tight line but said nothing as he curled an arm around your shoulders and led you towards the end of the pier.

~.~

You stared at the sloth on your couch, momentarily lost in your memories--every memory of you and Yoongi together, every single one.

"Maybe I feel better when I see your face."

You shook your head, gently slapping the sides of your face to fully bring you back into reality. Yoora's birthday cake stared you down from your kitchen table, your keys and purse sitting haphazardly next to it--they were telling you that it was time.

With bubbles in your stomach you reached for your phone, tempted to text Yoongi--until you were reminded of the several hundreds of calls and texts that you'd sent his way without a single response given back.

The anxiety in your stomach built up to the point that you thought you were going to fold in half and pass out on the floor. You loved him. You loved Min Yoongi and you were going to tell him, be rejected and probably cry a thousand tears on your own with no one to knock on your door and make sure you were eating and alive.

You chuckled at yourself. "Even my thoughts are pathetic." But for some reason, there was a weight off your shoulders with your resolve; you were going to tell him. No matter what happened, this one was going to break you, but not forever.

Because you were going to confess and move on.

Steeling yourself for heartbreak, you gingerly grabbed the cake off the table and grabbed your keys. You had an hour before Bangtan surprised Yoora for her birthday; you were going to be early, but knowing those boys the place was probably a mess and would need help from someone who knew how to complete decorating without constant bickering or wrestling.

Just the thought had you chuckling to yourself; you could practically see Yoongi as a ghost in front of you, rubbing at his temples as the maknaes ran screaming behind him.

"Okay." You murmured, taking a quick last glance at your apartment to make sure you had everything. "Let's do this."

~.~

You stepped through the front door, surprised to find it unlocked--it was rarely unlocked unless the maknaes had left already and forgot to lock it before they left. All but two pairs of shoes were in the foyer, signaling that the rest of the boys were out, confirming your original suspicions. Something tightened in your gut, and you had this strange feeling as you slipped your shoes off and set them on the mat that there was something terribly wrong.

Sure enough, that feeling jumped into your throat when you heard a chair crash to the ground, quickly followed by swearing. You padded quietly down the hall in your socks, flinching when the shouting voices finally broke through the barrier that your nerves had put between your brain and your ears.

"What is your deal lately? Huh? You come to the pier to chew me out when you just ignore her anyways and now you just don't want her?"

Seokjin. You'd never heard him this angry--this frustrated. It had your hands shaking underneath the cake and you had to pause to gather your nerve to walk again. Unfortunately, that left you more time for you to hear the argument and figure out the owner of the other pair of shoes in the foyer.

"My deal is you and your fat ego! It's always been you and it will always be you--every girl in my life is absolutely hooked on you and there's nothing I can do about it!"

Yoongi. Yoongi never exploded like this; his anger was quiet, one-word sentences--it wasn't this. It wasn't screaming until his voice was raw, it wasn't this angry clattering you could hear as he lashed out at whatever array of crap had been on the dining room table. A roll of streamer tape slid across the end of the hall by the foyer. Your body was stone, but neither male made a move towards anything. They were too distracted by themselves.

"Aren't you and Y/N dating? She's yours--all yours, she's so fucking in love with you and you don't even know!"

"Yoora!" Yoongi hissed and you felt your blood rushing in your ears as you tried to make your shaking legs move forward. "You took Yoora from me--do you know how long I was in love with her? Do you know how you ripped my damn heart out of my chest; you already had Y/N, why did you need her too?"

"I don't have Y/N! That's the thing that you can't see! I don't have her! I've never had her!"

You slowly brought yourself around the corner, spotting them in the kitchen. Yoongi was glaring at Seokjin as the eldest slammed his fists on the counter.

"You've always had her but you're just so fucking blind that you could never see it! Y/N is in love with you, jackass!" Yoongi screamed. "She always has been and always will be. Y/N has no feelings for me, just like I have none for her. She fucking loves you and I'm--I'm in love with Yoora!"

You froze, feeling tears fall to your hands, of which were still shakily holding that damn cake. When did you start crying?

"You think you know Y/N now?" Seokjin flung a pack of napkins at Yoongi. "You're fucking blind if you think that she doesn't have feelings for you! You're just using her to get closer to Yoora; you're treating her like garbage! Y/N deserves better than you!"

Yoongi grit his teeth, his eyes wild on his group mate, his brother, and his friend. "Do you love her then? Huh? Why do you get both of them?"

"Of course I love Y/N! And Yoora, I--"

"Then why the fuck aren't you dating Y/N? Why do I have to deal with her and all of her sappy, 'Oh I love Seokjin' bullshit? I could have had Yoora this entire time, I--"

The cake tumbled from your hands, the plastic cover clattering to the floor as the carefully decorated frosting splattered and with crumbles of cake into a horrible mess. Both boys' eyes shot to you, standing there just like the cake on the floor--your makeup sliding across your face as you tried to wipe away the tears and fix your shaking upper lip.

"I--I'm sorry." You squeaked out, staring at the cake on the floor. "I'll--I'll go get a new one." Before anyone could run to you, grab you--bring you back to them--you were running, bolting out the door without your bag or even your shoes. You just ran to run. You ran as fast as you could--anywhere but there.

"Y/N!" You didn't know which one shouted your name, whose footsteps attempted to catch up to you, but it wasn't long before you were out the dorm doors and in the street. Even when you were free from the chase of people, you kept running.

Because the feelings, the depression, the anger and sadness--those weren't done following you.

~.~

You pulled your jacket over your head to block out the stars. The hill was cold and the grass was damp with evening moisture; you felt goosebumps on your thighs. Even the damn sky couldn't help you now. You knew this particular spot was the stupidest spot to be sitting in, it's slick, your eyes are teary and hard to see with, it's night, there's a freaking cliff drop at the bottom of the hill--granted it wasn't a large cliff but if you fell the wrong way it'd be the end of L/N, Y/N.

Despite that, you hated that you couldn't care less. You curled your knees up into your chest.

"You know, this is a pretty dumb thing you're doing. What would happen if you slipped?"

You kept the jacket up over your head, but felt the tension rise in your shoulders. "I'm not a klutz like you, Yoora. Please go back to the dorm, don't let me ruin your birthday."

You heard her sigh behind you, slowly and carefully climbing over the fencing to sit herself down next to you. "You're not ruining my birthday. I'll have plenty more, but I only have one friend named Y/N."

"You're so backwards. You're supposed to be selfish and screaming at me."

"And you're supposed to hate me for taking Seokjin from you."

You flipped your jacket off of your head, staring at her with wide eyes.

She only grinned at you and bumped her shoulder lightly with yours. "Yes, I know about your love for Seokjin. I'm perceptive you know? You kind of have to be when you deal with a boy like Yoongi your entire life. Those two boys are idiots you know?"

"Yeah." You snorted. "Yeah they are."

"They called me in a hurry--both of them, at the same damn time--and so I drove to the dorm only to find it empty with a smashed cake on the floor, and these." She reached behind her to hand you the shoes you'd forgotten in your hurry to get out of the dorm, chuckling as you sheepishly took them from her hands. "So I called Yoongi before he could get here, bitched him out over the phone, and told him and Seokjin to be here in a half hour."

"Why so late?"

"Because I wanted to talk to you; I feel that I owe you an apology."

You shook your head, brows furrowed as you let out a snort of laughter. "What? For what?"

"I stole Seokjin from you and I knew that I was doing it the moment that I met you. You liked Seokjin, you were so in love with him but you weren't going to do anything--let's at least face that. Just like we both knew that Yoongi was never going to do anything when it came to his love for me, you weren't going to move in on Seokjin."

"You knew about that too?"

Yoora winked at you. "It's in my family genes." She sighed, reaching over to pat your back and wipe away the fresh tears on your face. "But I really love Seokjin, you know that. I don't regret taking him from you; I only wish that I could have saved you that pain."

You leaned over, resting your forehead on her shoulder. "You're too nice to me; I don't deserve this."

"No, you do. Because you don't hate me and so therefore you have a heart. I like you, Y/N. I don't get along with females easily, but you--I get along with you." She shook your shoulders, resting her head on top of yours. "You really love him don't you?"

"Which one?" You tried to laugh but it just came out as a snorting sob that had you wiping your nose with your sleeve.

"Yoongi."

"I do." You sobbed. "I didn't think it was possible, but he--" You couldn't finish the sentence.

Yoora ran her tongue along her teeth, letting out a small growl. "Both of those boys aren't good enough for you. You deserve better."

"You do too."

"Nah, I think I'm in the right place. My heart isn't as pure as yours--you know, if you took Seokjin from me I feel like I might have hated you no matter how innocent you were."

"No." You murmured into her sweater. "You couldn't."

Yoora tilted her head back, letting out a laugh that echoed through the hills. "You're right, I couldn't. Not now." She smoothed your hair off your forehead and out of your eyes. "You should confess to him."

"Yoongi? I was planning to toni-"

"Seokjin. You should confess to Seokjin. There's a part of you that won't be able to fully move on until you confess. You'll always be thinking 'what if?' You'll always wonder if you truly love who you're with or if they're just a rebound."

"Hypothetically, what if he said he had feelings for me?" You whispered. "What would you do?"

She chuckled. "Well, then I would make him love me more than you. Because you, you love Yoongi so much. I can see it in your eyes, in the way that you talk about him versus when you talk about Seokjin. Yoongi, he belongs to you. You two make a perfect couple."

"You and Seokjin do too." You murmured, grinning with honesty into her sweater. "You two deserve all the happiness in the world. I'm sorry that all this had to happen on your birthday."

"Nah, drama is fun. It makes those boys squirm and I live for it." She chuckled, slowly pushing to her feet. "Come on, let's go wait for them in the parking lot up there. They should be here any minute now."

You stood up, helping her when you saw the quick glaze to her eyes. "Your concussion--don't stand up too fast!" You barely had a time to shout, but it was already too late. Yoora fell, her feet sliding out from underneath her as she tumbled down the hill. Without thinking, you reached out for her, toppling forward--practically running/falling--after her until her screams echoed in your ears as your arms wrapped around her waist. You grit your teeth, trying to dig your heels into the grass in an attempt to stop you two from pitching over the edge of the cliff.

"Hold on!" You screamed as you felt your feet break out into open air. You thought of Yoongi, or Seokjin and all of BTS when you imagined Yoora in the hospital again--instantly you risked it all. You shoved Yoora up and as far away from you as you possibly could. It stopped her momentum enough to keep her up on the flat lip before the cliff, but it propelled you further off the edge. Your fingers dug into the slick grassy hillside as your feet swung wildly for purchase. You were slipping, quickly, too fast; you had to think you had to do something you had to--

"Y/N!" Yoora screeched, climbing to her knees as her hands jolted forward towards you as you shook your head feverishly, gritting your teeth.

"Wait for Yoongi and Seokjin." You shouted quickly--you didn't have much time, the grass was wet, ripping under your weight. "Stay right there and wait for them to help you up the hillside--you won't do any good if you fall off this too. Then--then come find me."

"Let me help you up!" She screamed, tears falling down her cheeks.

"No, no--you'll fall too. I can land this right, I've tried to climb this damn cliffside so many times--I'll live. I'll be okay; not even a scratch." You grinned at her as best you could given the circumstances.

"Y/N--I"

You let go.

The fall wouldn't kill you as long as you had your feet under you, as long as you grabbed onto something to slow it--blindly you grabbed onto the nearest tree branch, jerking your shoulders out of their sockets as the branch cracked and sent you toppling out of Yoora's sight.

"Y/N!" She screamed. "Y/N! Answer me!" But even when the sounds of falling brush and foliage quieted, her shouts remained unanswered.

154 notes · View notes

chromemuffin · 7 years ago

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Shoukoku no Altair Liveblog (Chapter 6)

The first volume was a wild ride filled with more gorgeous art than I had room to gush about.

Let me just say that I love the color palettes used in these covers. Although I don’t really have a good sense for color balance, none of the elements of these extremely detailed and busy covers seem to clash with one another.

There is just so much going on here, even the dark blue sash around his midsection has detailing. The collar, cuffs, and shoes have a really nice flower/vine motif going on, and interestingly there is a lock and key hanging off the shirt collar (which is made to look like an actual collar). Then there is that tassel (how do you even draw knots like that), and the ones crossing his chest. I also like the little flower buttons going up the sleeves?

idk let’s move on.

I have run out of Japanese raws, which is a good thing. Cuts down on my language ramblings a bit.

Chapter 6: The Council of Generals

We start the volume off with a portrait of Zaganos walking like a badass. Lots of thorns on the frame, and one exits the frame to become that dangly...thing in the back with the eyes and idk I really need to know more about Turkish designs to say anything. I did notice a flower and moon charm thing in the back.

So, first we get a review and additional information about the Diwan, which is nice. This series has a good balance of breaking away to ramble about the world’s structure before going back to the action with our main characters.

Anyway, I love Kato’s attention to detail (have I mentioned that already lol) that extends even to background characters. We never got the name of any of the Araba characters, yet they each looked distinct from one another. Same with the other pasha (there are 42 in all, wow). There’s a good range of features (especially nose shapes, here), but even their clothes and chins are different.

Assuming this is the head-honcho, the buyuk pasha (are these titles capitalized...?) who has glorious facial hair and a very, very large turban.

Oh god, this post is going to be so long. These panels are all really tall.

“And most important of all, military and foreign policy, which are handled by the third convention and decided by a unanimous vote between the 30 vizers.” In case you can’t see it in that image. Interesting how the most ‘important’ section is the only one in the dark, so to say. As we’ve seen, foreign policy and the potential for military action can be a very shade business.

I shrink every image to fit the theme I’m using, just in case it gets wonky if the picture is too large, but it so does not do this shot justice. Just look at the architecture! @the-golden-city has several posts picking apart these tiny details throughout the series, although I haven’t gotten around to reading all of them because for once I want to avoid spoilers.

This hall/chamber is probably based off this real life building in Istanbul:

Even the chandelier, and the railings, match. Getting back to Altair, though, I vaguely see Zaganos, Mahmut, and Ibrahim at the far right.

Ok, so they are asking why Ibrahim left Hisar for Altin in the first place, which I had almost forgotten about by this point.

Huh, I had to go back to the second chapter. Didn’t quite remember that Zaganos had told everyone to meet up to exchange information.

Whoops, gut reaction there. Why is he so surprised though...? Ibrahim told him why they were called to Altin, so was it that last bit “In regards to that case, I can’t call it anything but recklessness” that shocked him?

Also, add another intimidating face to the cast. The Buyuk Pasha (have a feeling “Pasha” should be in caps) is definitely a guy you do not want to cross.

Lol

“Mahmut Pasha, quiet, we did not give you permission to speak.”

“Ok next matter of business.”

“Mahmut Pasha, your turn.”

Oh? I meant to speculate about the aftermath in my last liveblog, but ended up forgetting (chapter 5 was a long one, I was exhausted by the end). We don’t actually know how much time has passed between now and the uprising, only that it’s no longer the month of Seker.

...Are you capable of smiling (without smirking). He is very displeased, yet again.

That splotch of blood. o.o He got stabbed last chapter and is still up and about. You really need to get that patched up, Mahmut. On the next page he’s actually holding his left arm up to it, so.

I’M SO GLAD NO ONE ENDED UP DYING. Seems they may not be out of the water yet, though, with the council deliberating as to their fates.

His mood instantly switches here, from happy/relieved that his friend and his family are safe, to serious. While Ibrahim says it with a smile on his face in front of his kids, he and Mahmut realize that it’s not over yet.

He realizes his own limits here. Things seemed sort of bleak before, but that was nothing compared to what happens after.

Dude doesn’t even bother giving him a real answer. You could confirm or deny, you know, instead of being like that. Though I guess he figures it doesn’t matter at this point, which is true. Or he just likes being mysterious.

I bet Zaganos’s expression would be the same if they had announced the opposite result. I sort of guessed that he’d be let off, but I still breathed a sigh of relief when they reinstated him. I’m weak, ok.

Anyway, more Mahmut expressions! Shocked makes him look younger than he is, and serious makes him more mature. I like how, well, mature he is. These are high stakes, and he knows the severity of the situation well.

Aww look at his shell-shocked face. I guess Mahmut really guessed/feared that they wouldn’t forgive what Ibrahim had done. From the standpoint of someone in their universe though, the result they got must have been very unlikely.

He held it together until he left! In isolation, that face looks a little derpy though.

AW. I needed that. I always love it when that chain with the tassel and (don’t know if it’s a whistle haha that thing) are drawn. And the asymmetry of his outfits. I think I mentioned that in my first liveblog. I usually do not like asymmetrical designs much, but.

And this! This look of unease. I have a baaad feeling about this.

Mahmut’s thought process is fun to read.

HAHA WHAT. WHAT.

WELL. First, you’ve gotta appreciate this extreme, divine irony going on where the sun is shining on him full force, and yet he’s lost so much in this single instant.

AND THEN. Well, I guess his demotion has to do with the whole war thing. It seems a good portion of them want to go to war, and up until this moment Mahmut has had the initiative and position to resist that. Just because he was younger didn’t mean he had less power as a pasha, but if he no longer has that title...

He’s too stunned to even be sad that his dream, which he had just achieved, was snatched away like that.

But lol at least the council is clear in their intentions: “Please think of it as a sort of permanent house arrest.”

This shot of him walking away...

Talk about a tough position to be in. He was punished the most, even though he did the most to resolve the situation. He’s happy that his friend wasn’t executed, but this is the price.

I love these shots of his front in darkness, with his back to the light. IT’S ALSO REALLY SAD.

As shitty as it is, Halil does have a point. And he prefaces saying this with a “Mah-kun”, so you know he really means it. He clearly cares for this boy, and it’s probably not easy seeing him crash so hard, but Mahmut was simply too young and inexperienced for the position he held. His thought process is getting there in some aspects, but in others he hasn’t experienced enough about the complexities of the world around him. He knows what he wants to change, but not how to do it.

I wonder why they bothered making him a pasha so young, anyway. Turkiye hasn’t gone to war since he was young, so he doesn’t have experience in that, either.

It’s probably even more painful because everything Halil is saying is true. It wasn’t a malicious decision. His look here is like a mix of devastated and a quiet sort of revelation. Like: “....oh.”

Then why did you guys freaking promote him to pasha in the first place. Just saying. But, now it’s out.

Weeelll, at least you’re not banned for life.

God I love this kid so much. He was indignant before he started talking to Halil, but now he realizes the gravity of what he has done. He’s not stubbornly rejecting or acting out against that logic, he’s mature enough to own up to his mistake.

And now...

This is a terrifying “oh shit” moment. He realizes here just how much his mistake has cost him, and not just him, but the country. He has no power to do prevent a war now that he got himself kicked out, essentially. If he’d stayed a pasha, maybe he’d be able to exert enough influence to alter events.

But his expression here as he realizing this is really good.

WHY IS EVERYTHING SAD BASKING IN THE LIGHT OF A THOUSAND SUNS.

Zaganos is heeere. Never know how things are going to go with him around.

HAHAHA. Oh, Zaganos. “I made a mistake and your impulsivity somehow helped me out of it. (thanks I guess) But what you did was still stupid as hell.” That was such backhanded compliments/acknowledgment that you might as well not have said anything at all aside from “That was stupid.”

Oh? You’re actually giving him something?

It’s something useful! I love the little details on this bauble. The intricate knot, the little crescent moon.

Wait, don’t blow up and get angry, I want to know why he’s entrusting this thing to you.

So Zaganos did indeed know and let everything proceed, all of this just to make one very strong point to the council. Geez.

Mahmut, you look so tiny next to him.

This is why I love this kid as a protagonist already. He is intelligent, smart, and hard-working, but he isn’t infallible. Youthful arrogance and inexperience was his downfall. It doesn’t even seem like youthful arrogance while you’re experiencing he situation in Hisar with him. He’s the protagonist, and you know he’s right in that he couldn’t just leave Ibrahim to go down for a crime he didn’t willingly commit.

But, now that he’s realized it, he also acknowledges that it’s pointless to dwell on it and beat himself up. And in that sense, we can see he’s already grown from how he was as a child. Then, he lost hope that he could ever improve and needed Ibrahim to talk him out of his tears.

What Ibrahim gave him is actually really precious, I’m dying here ok, he made Mahmut realize that if he works hard at it, improves himself, he can achieve his dream. Now he knows that he’s just going to need more effort than he thought.

He gets frustrated a lot, and it usually seems to be about himself. I feel bad for him, but on the other hand, like when he got knocked off his horse in cirit and the older guy admonished him, he really needed it.

It didn’t take him long, not even a full day it looks like, to bounce back and resolve himself on a new goal. Seems like his journey has gone a little backwards (don’t protags in manga usually work their way up from rock bottom; Mahmut had one of the highest positions in the country after coming from the bottom up, and now he has to do it again).

This has been a sort of transition chapter (I wouldn’t call it quiet), but by god did it have impact.

← back・onward →

#shoukoku no altair #the very long altair liveblog #long post #image heavy post #im sorry i curse a lot #please let me know if it bothers you #altair vol 2

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