#awsten has done some stupid shit

[awsteb]

i suppose get not liking jawn but uh. if you're like super into parx you realise they're choosing to be his friend right. this is like a slightly less extreme version of gerard way fans who despise lindsey

[waterparksdrama]

man i know yallre just worried for them and it comes from deep appreciation for what the band has done up until this point but, why all of the nihilism??

sure funeral grey and fuck about it are.. pretty vapid in a few ways but, they each have a least a lyric or two worth something and sound generally catchy? rsd and self sabotage are pretty good imo, and seem genuine/vunerable even if they showcase Bad Stuff for awsten. and we havent got to see really *any* of the record thusfar because theyve been so busy, so there can be hidden gems. no ones gotta deny the clear appeal to general audiences, but i dont think we have to shit on it *so* heavily. ultimately they seem to want to keep growing and making music. they are probably pretty wealthy but its likely not enough to drop everything after one last poorly performing album. i especially can’t imagine that awsten would want to “let Them win” by leaving from feeling miserable due to ending up the same as every other artist or “failing” to play the industry game.

it would be ideal if they took these next few months before ymas tour to take a genuine break (minimal writing, no studio, nothing) and let fans know a vague release date but that its for the best so that they can put their all into it. i know realistically that probably wont be how it goes, but i trust them to recognize their own burnout and take *somewhat* of a break before their art suffers for it. even if they were planning on this being the last album before a hiatus, i cannot imagine theyd want to flop hard instead of going out on a bang. this doesnt have to be “the end of a good band” etc, awsten has openly talked about how much criticism theyve gotten from the start even on black light.

how hard is it to take the bands experimentation at face value or at least give awsten the credit of knowing when enoughs enough?

wow this is long and im not even sure if my response will encompass all of this but i'll try

i think the nihilism is reasonable tbh. it's not like awsten changes his bad habits online and it's not like this fanbase gets any less annoying and the songs don't get stupider etc etc. everything and nothing ever changes with this band at the same time. they get older, but habits still stay and never leave.

i think the new songs for the most part are passable but aren't really "parx songs" in the classic sense meaning "playful, but with some serious passion entwined in it that really gets you hooked". it just feels really edgy yet somehow generic when he tries to push some of these sex lyrics in and it just feels awkward especially coming from him of all people. and the complaining songs (as i call them) about shit he always complains about (fans, music critics, being a d list internet celebrity at best) is so fucking tired and also some of the things he complains about are usually his fault and something he can stop.

i do think they want to keep growing and making music but i also feel like they're trying to convince themselves that they are in the first place bc things just don't flow the same anymore especially now that they don't even all live in the same place. i don't think they're sticking to whatever plan awsten had in his head for this album from the looks of it bc i have a feeling it's been reworked a lot and he's kind of stalling its official announcement to rework it in the first place.

as of taking a break, while that is a good idea and you know they probably won't anyways, have you seen awsten? he barely takes breaks and even when he says he does, it just means he's lurking without saying anything because he doesn't wanna say shit. he legit has not taken a real break since goddamn 2010 because even after he finishes something, he's always onto something else. in fact, i'm pretty sure the only reason there's such big gaps between the eps was just to gather the resources and promo they needed to record them in the first place bc they're always making some shit no matter what. i don't trust him to take a break even if they're burned out bc he'll always have something to say and write as stupid as he manages it.

it's ironic you use the term experimentation considering they're really just relapsing into that modern distilled pop punk sound when their last album was experimental one. i feel like if awsten's trying to go mainstream on the radio, let him; it won't necessarily mean it's the best they've put out. and awsten never knows when enough's enough; he'll take things too far every time (love, internet jokes, etc etc) and won't jump back until he stops posting (only for a little while of course and he'll still lurk himself in that time) and come back so that everyone tells him they love him and he'll believe it until he takes things too far again and the cycle repeats like it always does - iz

[randombubblegum]

I definitely don’t think parxtwt will ever truly cancel Awsten or whatever. But it has been interesting to note that they’ve started calling him out a little bit. There were some people holding him accountable for the issue with that one fan and treating certain fans better. And then a lot of them were openly upset about how the vintage drops were being done (although it didn’t stop any of them from buying stuff week after week). And now this stuff with the Kanye concert. Like they are so close to getting it I think it would be entertaining to see what happens when they finally realize how shitty he is sometimes.

the vintage drops were what started this whole thing!!! fans got (justifiably imo) upset that it was releasing 6 times over and the non-usa shipping was so prohibitively expensive. and THATS what prompted him to post those insta stories about mean fans and negative feedback 😐😐😐 LOL…. which led to that one fan getting the beat down BECAUSE her account had been coincidentally suspended just before and she lost her huge following. isnt that interesting? that theyd only “realize” a problem with somebody whos been weakened lolz

it IS interesting that parxtwit is more willing to call him out for his blatant bad behavior. i think its because hes genuinely acting indefensibly like an asshole lately, personally? but they just cannot see the big picture and realize the way hes causing problems within the fandom like they dont have the brainpower or willingness to admit their artificial closeness w him is the problem lol. but it is very interesting that theres willingness to point out when he does stupid shit the way tumblr has been for years. perhaps you owe parxdrama an apology?

[lilacsos]

Doctor!AU: Awsten pt. 1

A/N: So fun fact, this is the third time I have tried to post it and I’m going crazy. Anyway, I’m very excited about this series and I’m looking forward to Awsten’s story and not just because I have his planned out the most. I hope you all enjoy this series as much as I do!

*Warnings*: Language, mentions of surgery on a child

Word Count:

Masterlist  Character Info  Taglist

Day 7: Surgical Interns

   No one likes a cocky intern and Awsten was cocky. He made himself sound amazing and constantly threw himself into a conversation. He fought hard to be the best surgical intern his resident had and the truth was, he did a great job at it. He worked extra hours and he made sure everyone knew about it. If his shift started at five in the morning, he was at the hospital no later than 4:30. He refused to be late and he refused to be given the boring cases. If he wanted to prove he was the best, he needed his talents to be used in the best way they could.

The residents and attendings all took notice of this. Awsten’s hard work was not in vain. While this was only his seventh day of work, his reputation easily floated around the hospital. He quickly became known as the intern that put himself on a pedestal above the rest and he deserved to be. The chief of the surgery department has even mentioned him in passing before and called him the best intern since Leah. Which said a lot about Awsten and his talent. He was really amazing and he knew it.

No one likes a cocky intern but everyone hates an intern that’s cocky and has the talent to back it up.

Awsten waltzed his way into the locker room, changing into his scrubs when he reached his locker. He was excited; today was another day he had the chance to prove that he was the best. It was also another day to make Sage Peterson eat her words. Bitch knew nothing about him. Awsten was amazing and he was going to be the best surgeon in the country and it’s her fault for not believing him. When he reaches the top and she’s begging him to be his friend and work with him, she’s going to wish she believed him in the first place.

Dr. Stevens, Awsten’s resident, pushed the locker room door open and glared at his interns. “Alright, here’s what’s happening today. Williams and Davis, go down to the ER and help them out. Knight and Peterson, you’ll be doing rounds with me. And French, congrats, Dr. Hood requested that you scrub in on a surgery with him today.”

The group all went their separate ways while Awsten ran to catch up with Stevens. “Sir! I just want to know why French gets to work with Dr. Hood today and I have to do rounds.”

“Knight, they did rounds yesterday. You’re delusional if you think that you don’t have to do rounds at some point. Besides,” Stevens spoke, a smirk gracing his features as he continued, “Hood requested to have anyone that wasn’t, and I quote, ‘that cocky intern that Leah isn’t fond of.’ So Knight, you think you’re hot shit but the best surgical attending hates your guts.”

Awsten stood in shock, staring at his resident. Did Dr. Rosario really hate him? How could she? She’s only spoken to Awsten a handful of times so why did she already have an opinion on him? Well, Awsten might have known the reason why. If his reputation really did travel around the hospital, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to believe that she heard how cocky he was. So, his next step on his quest to becoming the best, is making Dr. Rosario like him. Peterson slowed her stride to walk next to Awsten as they followed Stevens to a patient's room. “He called you out. Even the best surgeons have to talk to patients. You seem to think you’re the best.”

“Because I am. Everyone says that I’m the best.”

“Except for Rosario. She finds you annoying.” Sage whispered with a wicked smile as she passed him on her way to catch up with Stevens.

   At lunch, Awsten took a seat next to Vanessa and Michael, throwing his tray down next to theirs. “Rosario apparently hates me and she’s hardly spoken to me. Do you know how crazy that it? This is so stupid. Just because I’m good at what I do doesn’t mean anything about me as a person. She hasn’t even met me really. I’m amazing and I am a great surgeon! My very first day I did amazing work and I took a doll head out of a kid. They don’t allow any intern to do that and I did it. I showed my worth to everyone in the room and they were beyond impressed with me. I’m amazing.”

Vanessa sighed and took the pudding cup off of Awsten’s tray. “Listen buddy, you’re cocky. We all know this and the fact is, nobody likes cocky people. And from what I’ve been told, Rosario hates them, because it’s just a matter of time before they mess up and need to get their ass kicked. At least that’s what Ashton told me.”

“Ashton? You call your boss by his first name?”

Vanessa blushed darkly and gathered her things. “He told me to. And you know what Awsten, if you’re so worried about Rosario liking you, stop being so cocky and be an intern. You know, someone who’s there to learn because they don’t know everything. You’re one of us so act like it.” She huffed before storming off.

Michael, who had been trying to keep quiet now looked at Awsten with a frown. “She’s right you know. Interns don’t know everything and they do this program to learn from the best. You can’t learn if you already think you’re so great. Why are you so cocky anyway?”

“Because I’m the best. I’m going to be the greatest surgeon ever. That’s why I’m cocky.”

Michael could tell that he was lying but if Awsten didn’t want to tell him the truth then what was he going to do? He hoped that one day Awsten would trust himself and the others to share why he really acts like that but at this rate, Michael didn’t know if that would happen. He had an idea about what was going on in Awsten’s head and he was pretty sure he was right but he can’t tell unless Awsten wants to share. Michael stood and grabbed his trash. “Look Awsten, this cockiness is gonna come back to bite you in the ass. Someone is gonna get pissed and they’re going to do something about it. Look out for yourself.”

Awsten sighed and stared down at his food. What was Michael even talking about? No one would seriously sabotage him or anything. Right?

   “Knight, tell me about your patient.” Stevens huffed, arms crossed over his chest.

“This is Mrs. Jenny Phillips. She’s 37 and she’s here because she needs a new heart. We’re waiting on a donation for her so we can replace her ticker and get her back to having a normal life.” Awsten stated with a large smile, feeling like he had done everything right.

“Good. What’s her blood type?”

Awsten’s smile faltered as he looked at his patient. He didn’t remember. How could he possibly forget his patient’s blood type? Frantically, he grabbed her files but when he flipped it open, the pages were gone. “Sir, her chart is missing.”

“You lost a patient's chart? Knight, how stupid are you? This is not something you can lose and hope you’ll survive without it. That chart has everything about the patient and without it she could die! What happens if you give her a pain killer and she’s allergic to it? What if she has a history that completely changes how we proceed with her surgery? Get out. You’re done for the day.”

Awsten huffed and stormed out of the room but not before he caught a shit-eating grin on Sage’s face. Fucking bitch hid his papers. Awsten paced around the hallway, wondering if he should even bother to tell Stevens what happened. He had no proof and since he didn’t like Awsten, the chances of him believing him were very slim. This was insane. Michael had said that someone wasn’t going to like what he did and the guy was right. Peterson had it out for him since their first day but he never thought she would go this far. He was going to have to get back at her for it somehow but he couldn’t do the same thing to her. Awsten was already walking on thin ice with Stevens and one wrong move could end his whole career. He had to be sneaky. Or, he could get back to being the best and showing off so everyone likes him again and they all hate her. That sounded like a very good plan in his mind.

“Knight?” Awsten looked around him and saw Dr. Rosario at the other end of the hall. Holy shit, was she talking to him? He didn’t see anyone else in the hall so she could only be talking to him. He was also the only Knight in the hospital but that wasn’t the point. “Good, that is you. You, your resident, and I are talking to the chief. Follow me.”

Awsten stared at her for a few seconds before he ran after her, meeting up with Stevens on the way. The three of them sat in the chief’s office, listening to her speak. “This needs to stop. Dr. Knight, you need to step off your pedestal. You may be a good intern but that does not mean you get to walk around this hospital telling patients that you’re the best doctor they’ll have and no one else will compare.”

Awsten quickly shook his head and looked at Stevens briefly. “With all respect Dr. Keller, I have never said that to a patient.”

“Then why did Dr. Stevens tell me that his other interns have heard you say this?”

“They’re lying then. Peterson, she stole my chart this morning so I couldn’t tell Dr. Stevens everything about my patient.” Awsten cleared his throat and looked down at his lap. “Ma’am, I know I’m cocky but I’m not stupid and I would never put another doctor down like that.”

“Even if you didn’t, Dr. Stevens has said that your ego is so large it’s hard to work with. You cannot be a successful doctor if you never get to work with others because you have a big head.” At this, Leah snorted but quickly silenced herself with one look from the chief. “So here’s what is going to happen. Stevens, tell Dr. Greene that you need one of her interns. Knight is no longer your intern.”

Stevens smiled brightly and nodded his head, leaning back into his seat. “Then why am I here?” Leah asked, suddenly terrified that she was going to have to babysit Awsten.

“Knight isn’t kicked out of the program because of his ego. He just needs someone to deflate his big head. That’s where you come in Leah. Awsten will be shadowing you for the rest of his internship or until his attitude improves.” Before anyone could protest, Dr. Keller stood and walked over to her office door, opening it and gesturing for everyone to leave. Reluctantly, they all stood and stepped out of the room.

“He has to follow me wherever I go?” Leah asked before the office door closed.

“Everywhere. When you work, he works. No exceptions. You want to be chief one day Leah, prove to me you can work under,” she paused, looking at Awsten who was standing across the hall, “difficult circumstances. You can do this.”

Stevens laughed as he walked away from the two, leaving them in silence. Awsten was almost certain that they would be in silence in the hallway forever until Leah spoke. “Alright, you don’t talk to me unless you have to. Keep your distance. I know you have to follow me but that doesn’t mean you need to be in my personal space. When I’m in surgery, you do exactly as I tell you. I don’t care if you think you know best. I am in charge of you.” Leah grumbled, seething with hatred. She began to stomp out of the hall, causing Awsten to run after her. “And one last thing, if I’m with my friends you keep your mouth shut and don’t talk to them. Got it, Intern?”

“My name is Awsten.” He mumbled, rolling his eyes as he continued to follow her.

“I’ll kill you. I’ll stab you in the middle of surgery and no one will know. Shut up and let’s go.”

On his very first day, Awsten said he wanted to work with Leah. He knew she was an amazing surgeon and all he wanted was to gain a little of her wisdom so that he could one day be as incredible as her or at least a little close to her level. He wanted to be great and learning from Leah would do just that but he didn’t think that she would be this rude to him. She really thought that he was going to be a total piece of shit. Well, he was going to have to make sure that she saw a different side to him. He was going to be a perfect surgeon and he was going to be a great person. At least, he was going to try. “My name is Awsten. Call me Awsten or Dr. Knight. I went to medical school and I was the best and the top of my class; I am a doctor. It would be nice to be treated like one.”

Leah sighed and rubbed her face, turning to look at Awsten. “Don’t talk to me like that. You are my intern now and I will call you Intern if I want to. And then if you somehow manage to earn my respect, then I’ll give it to you. Now, shut up and follow me.”

Awsten couldn’t stop the small smirk that crossed his face as he watched Leah walk away. He was going to get her respect and she was going to like him. And she’s pretty hot when she’s mad too.

Taglist:

@emilyxvalentyne @valentinelrh @loti18  @lustingfor5sos @mycollectionofnuts @ohhmuke @softboycal @norawashere @who-do-you-love-5sos @aftermidnightclifford @buggy-blogs @thew0rldneedsmcreycghurt

[miafic]

cutting & suicide mentions ~

It’s three quarters of the way through quiet time when Jawn impulsively slides a piece of paper under Lucas’ closed bedroom door. He doesn’t wait around to try to talk to him - just darts back to his own room and flops onto his bed, his forehead resting in the crook of his arm where he can easily hide his face.

Everyone else is downstairs in the school room. Jawn can hear their voices every now and then - Awsten cracking some joke and making everyone chuckle, Travis asking about a word he’s found in his homework that he doesn’t know and Ashton or Zakk helping him out - but he doesn’t want to go down. He had to finish this sketch. Portrait, really. It’s a portrait.

He pictures it in his mind and is suddenly overcome with an immense wave of regret. He shouldn’t have given it to Lucas. He shouldn’t have even drawn it in the first place. 

But then Lucas’ door is opening, and he’s coming across the landing and right to Jawn’s doorway. He softly clears his throat. “Jawn?” 

“Mm,” Jawn responds, muffled by his arm. 

“Can I come in?” 

Jawn glances up, sees the paper in his hands. “No.”

“I got your picture.” 

“Yeah,” Jawn replies shortly. Duh. 

“I’d like to talk with you about it.”  

There it is - that phrase he uses when things are serious. Not talk to you; talk with you. 

“Whatever,” Jawn sighs. He knows he’s not getting out of this one.

Lucas enters and sits down on the side of Awsten’s bed. He’s across the room. Good. 

Jawn peeks up from his arm, but Lucas is busy looking somberly down at the drawing. 

“Will you tell me about what you made?”

It’s me. The boy on the paper, it’s me, Lucas. Can’t you see that? You’re not stupid. He looks just like me.

“He looks very... distressed.”

No shit. His fucking mouth is sewn shut, and his arms are cut open, and there’s blood everywhere.

Lucas finally looks up and meets Jawn’s eyes. “Is this a self-portrait?” 

Jawn swallows. He buries his face back in his elbow and squeezes his eyes shut. There’s something about his tone, something about how palpable his concern is that has Jawn feeling overwhelmed. 

And yet... he nods. 

Lucas gets up from the bed and crosses the room to kneel beside the head of Jawn’s bed. “Jawn,” he says softly. 

Jawn’s teeth grind together and his toes clench with effort not to cry. 

“I know that you’re asking for help. Please let me help you. I need you to talk to me. You already did the hardest part, which is starting the conversation. And I am so glad that you did, because I can see now that you’re in a lot of pain.”

A quiet but embarrassingly desperate sob bursts out at the words, and Lucas stays calm and continues talking as though nothing had happened.

“I’d love for you to tell me more about the picture so I can understand what’s going on and figure out the best way to help.” 

Jawn sniffs hard and looks up at him, his eyes watery just like the boy in his artwork. 

Lucas gives him a sad smile. “It’s okay to cry.” 

“I know,” Jawn replies, forcing the words out bitterly even though all he wants is to throw his arms around Lucas’ neck. I wish you were my dad. Why couldn’t you be my dad? Or at least my brother? Then everything would be okay.

“Remember how we’ve been talking about you needing to find a way to communicate with me?”

Jawn nods, thinking he’s about to be lectured again. He wipes at his face with the cuff of his red hoodie.

“This is the best way you’ve done that since you’ve gotten here. I can see a lot from this. But I’m not an artist, Jawn, so I don’t know exactly what you’re trying to tell me. I need a little help. That’s all.” 

Jawn looks down at the paper, which is, in his view, upside-down. “It’s me,” he says, “and my mouth is sewn shut, and I’m dying.” 

“Did you cut your wrists open?” Lucas asks gravely.

Jawn nods, casting his eyes away in embarrassment.

“It’s okay,” Lucas assures. “This is a healthy way of expressing that.” He’s quiet for a moment before adding, “The detail is...” 

He doesn’t finish the sentence.

Jawn wants to hear the end. Disturbing? Exquisite, like his art teacher used to say in high school? Or maybe he was going to say “accurate.” Jawn’s heard that every therapist has a patient commit suicide at some point. Maybe Lucas has seen some shit. And Jawn drew the gashes as gorily as he could. 

“Are you thinking about killing yourself?” Lucas asks, looking up from the paper and meeting Jawn’s eyes.

“I always think about killing myself,” Jawn says flatly. 

Lucas is still.

Jawn knows that in saying those words, he’s just done something - something that he can’t take back. But for some reason, he doesn’t regret it. 

“Are you thinking about it right now?”

“If I was, would I have given you this?” he asks rhetorically. 

“I don’t know, Jawn. That’s why I’m asking you.” 

“Why would I draw this and give it to you if I was gonna kill myself?”

“Because maybe it’s a warning to me,” Lucas answers, and he seems a little unsettled. “Maybe you’re trying to tell me what you want to do. Or maybe you’re drawing this to cope so that you don’t have to do it and showing it to me so that we can talk about it. But I don’t know the difference unless you tell me.”

“The second one,” Jawn says, and he’s embarrassed again. Why does everything with Lucas have to be in words? In that moment, he wishes that the counselor could just read his mind. 

“Okay. Then let’s talk about it. Who’s this?” 

In the background, there are two pairs of legs. One is standing, further back. The other one, the one Lucas is pointing to, is much closer and kneeling on the ground beside Jawn’s shoulder. There’s a hand resting on his head. 

“That’s Mam- my mom.” 

Lucas looks at him for a moment, studying his face the way he’d been studying the piece of paper. Then, carefully, he says, “You can call her your name for her. I know what you mean.”  

Mamãe. Mama. And Lucas should know that already, because Jawn always draws her hands. Veined and spotty and starting to wrinkle, with her thick, gold bracelets hanging down from her wrist. Oh, he longs for her hands.

“I miss her a lot,” he confesses on an impulse, and Lucas nods.

“I know you do.” 

“Which is stupid, because she doesn’t miss me, probably.” 

“I bet she does,” Lucas tells him reassuringly. “I know she has her problems, Jawn, but she’s your mother. She loves you.” 

Jawn nods, hating how good it feels to hear that. Patrick never says it outright like that even though it’s so simple. And Jawn does know it, that his mom loves him. She’s just in a fog of drugs and men and more drugs. Jawn can’t compete with that.

“How do you think your mom feels seeing you like this?” Lucas asks, motioning back down to the page.

She’s wailing, is what Jawn wants to say. What comes out of his mouth is, “Bad.” 

“Bad?” Lucas repeats, gently prodding for more.

He still isn’t comfortable admitting that she’s wailing, so instead he says, “Panicked.”

“Why?”

Jawn shrugs, the embarrassment coming back out. “She doesn’t want me to die.” As an afterthought, he adds, “And she’s scared of my mouth.” 

“She can see the thread?”

“Yeah.” 

“Ah.”

Jawn looks at him, almost angry. “What?” he spits.

“I thought that was a metaphor. But it’s literal?”

He nods. 

“Okay.”

“What?” Jawn demands again.

“Nothing, Jawn,” Lucas says. “I just didn’t understand until now.” Shifting gears, he points at the feet in the background of the photo. Even now, Jawn thinks that the boots look almost real. He’s getting good. “Who is this?” 

“Um...” 

Lucas waits patiently.

“It’s my dad,” he finally shrugs.

Lucas isn’t surprised. “What does he think about all this?” 

“Nothing.” 

There’s another silence. 

“At least he’s watching,” Jawn offers after a while. “I guess I could have made him face the other way or something, but he’s at least looking at me.” 

[theghostofashton]

“don’t say that.”

yeah um. today sucked. this is major projection, based off a couple things i read on @bisexualgawsten (i made a post with screenshots if you want to see it. it’s the last thing i posted. but anyway yall should follow them if you don't lmao i have their notifs on bc i check their blog too many times a day to be considered healthy)

but yeah heavy depression and anxiety trigger warnings i'm sorry

Geoff's been gone for over three hours.

He said he'd be back in two. He said he was just going out with some old friends for dinner and he wouldn't be gone long. Have a couple beers, catch up, he'd be back before Awsten knew it- And Awsten swallowed hard at that part. He remembers how thick the saliva felt in his throat, sticky, clinging onto his windpipe as it slid downward and made a bed for the nausea to lay on.

He knows Geoff drinks. He's seen him drunk too many times to count. Even before they started dating, whenever they'd go out to parties or end up at the occasional bar, Geoff would get caught up in all the action and pressured into taking more shots than he planned to and end up completely inebriated. It's not new. It's not different. He's done it so many times before and everything's been fine.

It feels different tonight.

Tonight, there's a blurry fog over him, a permanent fixture of shower steam over his eyes. It's the kind of shower that doesn't feel cleansing. It's traveling in swirls up his back and each one peels back a layer from his chest, one by one until the only thing that's separating the wrecking ball from slamming into his heart are his ribs, shaking in his chest cavity as they try to hold themselves up.

The pain is a paintball that's long splattered. It coats the wall of his skull thickly, dripping down in a constant flow, like droplets collecting on the edges of a water bottle. There's always something there when the bottle is turned upside down, always one more droplet to fall and sink and absorb into his body to sprout a new pain plant.

Tonight makes every other bad night this week seem like heaven.

Tonight he thinks about everything, thinks back to the aching eyes and tearstained cheeks and crack that had formed in his heart, how it got bigger and bigger as more pain funneled in, filled it up until he felt like he was bursting. The ache was so big, it was so much – he didn't think it was possible for one human being, one body to hurt like this. Tonight he thinks about staring straight ahead, about the home he made amongst the tangled sheets and rumpled covers and damp pillowcases, about looking at the wall but not really seeing it. It was like the worst x-ray vision ever, being able to see through and inside and imagine, look through his life through that shower steam filter, like he was floating while everything else zoomed past.

Tonight he thinks about Geoff and how he's finally out of the house, out with his friends, out with people who don't have devastation and disappointment and depression. Tonight he's Geoff Wigington, who laughs obnoxiously at stupid jokes and drinks beer and lets no traces of it's gonna be okay, love. I'm here for you spill from his mouth. Tonight he's Geoff Wigington who doesn't have a useless sack of flesh waiting for him at home, Geoff Wigington who gets to be Geoff Wigington, gets to take a break from Awsten's Caretaker, for a night.

He knows Geoff is tired of it. He has to be. It's gotten particularly bad in the past few months. The experts say at least one depressive episode constitutes major depressive disorder. He's had two in the past month. Weeks straight of not being able to drag himself out of bed, not being able to get his ass up and go on any of the cute dates Geoff had planned, fly to LA to record songs, start working on ideas for the new music video...weeks straight of not being able to do anything except lay there and let the hornets drill into his bones until he was nothing but hollow, let them pierce his skin and settle themselves among the holes they've made. He was defenseless and he was invaded and they've spread like a disease.

It's been three hours and Geoff isn't back yet and his phone has lost ten percent battery in almost that amount of minutes from how many times he's checked it. It's been three hours and he doesn't know what's going on because Geoff is the type of person that texts him all the time, especially when he's like this. He can't lie back and stare at the wall unless he throws his phone on the floor because it's constantly lighting up with messages, 'I love yours' or cute selfies or teases of a surprise (usually food) Geoff's bringing home that night. Geoff's a great texter.

It's been three hours and Geoff isn't back yet and his phone has lost ten percent battery from how many times he's checked it.

What if he's gone-

"Stop." The word feels like knives cutting up his throat. He hasn't used his voice all day, feels like.

What if he left you-

"S-Shut up."

What if he finally had enough of your shit what if he's gone what if he left you what if he's done for good what if he's gone forever what if you were too much for him what if you were too much for him what if you were too fucking much for him-

"N-No!" He sits up with a start. The breaths are coming fast. Too fast. He can't keep up. They happen in quick succession. He presses the heels of his hands into the mattress and gasps his way through the series of pants.

He's gone he left you he had enough that's why he hasn't called that's why he hasn't texted that's why he isn't back yet he's gone he left you he's had enough you're too much for him too much too much too fucking much you drive everyone away you don't let anyone love you what the fuck is wrong with you why can't you let someone love you why do you have to be such a depressed piece of shit all the time-

He flops back down to the bed and turns his face into the pillows as the tears really start. They soak warmly against the fabric and move, slimy, against his face. He can't stop shaking. The room is spinning around him. It's the worst roller coaster ever and he wants to get off.

He bites his lip and tries to hold a sob back. It balls up at the exit of his mouth, sends out sparks and flames and ignites his entire body. He has no choice but to let it slip.

He wants Geoff. He needs Geoff. He needs the arms around his torso and the chest to bury his head into, the hands rubbing at his back and kisses against his temple. He needs Geoff's fingers buried in his hair, the rubs at his scalp that – on some days – are the only reason he gets to sleep, the scent that wraps around him, tendrils warming up every part of his body on the numb days. He needs Geoff he needs Geoff he needs Geoff-

He knows why. He gets it. He understands. Being with someone like him is like having a burden instead of a boyfriend. He's sad all the time and writes too many depressing lyrics and gets angry a lot and overreacts to everything; he never wants to leave the house and hates being social and gets anxious in the places there is absolutely nothing to be anxious about. Being with him is like dating the largest case file in the world. He's a sack of flesh with too many problems and a head that won't shut up and it annoys even him most days.

He doesn't blame Geoff.

He wouldn't want to be with him either.

...

He curses loudly as he drops his key, scrambles to grab it and press it into the lock once more.

He's never been in a traffic jam that bad. It was bumper to bumper with absolutely no movement – he probably could've gotten out of his car and walked home faster – and it went on for over three exits on the highway. The restaurant his friends chose was a fair drive; it wasn't too far, but it did involve getting onto the highway and driving for a bit. He thought they'd be done before the road started to get clogged, but to their luck, it ended up being the polar opposite.

He finally pushes the door open and steps inside, immediately reaches down to unlace and toe off his shoes. He hangs his jacket on their coatrack and unwraps the scarf from around his neck.

"Awsten? Sweetheart, hey, you still up?"

His heart is throbbing. It's pulsating new waves of pain by the second. The signal was so bad and the drive was so long and it seemed like everything that could go wrong did, a cocktail of consequences that culminated with him not being able to reach Awsten and tell him what was going on.

He hopes he didn't worry too much.

"Aws?" He lowers his voice in case Awsten is sleeping, walks through the apartment and into their shared bedroom. And then he stops.

He can hear it. Tiny whimpers and choked sobs are coming from their bed. The blankets are tangled and tossed together in a way that completely eclipses Awsten from view. All Geoff knows is that he's crying. "Fuck, sunshine, what's wrong?"

The next few moments unfold so fast that he barely registers them.

Awsten practically falls out of bed and runs the short distance to connect them, jumps up – and Geoff thanks whoever is up there at this very moment for his quick reflexes – and into his arms. He buries his face in his shoulder and wraps his legs around his waist with a gasping sob, and then he's crying again.

And Geoff's own heart feels like Awsten just took a hammer and smashed it to smithereens. He rubs Awsten's back and holds him tightly. "Easy, easy love. You're okay. Try to breathe. Whatever's wrong, we can fix it, I promise."

He lets Awsten down a couple seconds later, but takes him into his arms as soon as his feet touch the ground. Awsten wraps his arms around his neck and he moves his to Awsten's waist, bringing him as close as physically possible without completely crushing him. "I'm here, I'm right here, angel. What happened? Talk to me. What's got you this upset?"

Awsten doesn't answer. He moves one hand up to his back, just below the blades of his shoulders, and starts to rub. Awsten's hair is tickling his nose and poking at the corners of his mouth and he puckers his lips, pressing a kiss to the soft strands. "I can't help you if I don't know, love. What happened?"

"I-I-" Awsten hiccups and lifts his face to meet his eyes. "I thought you left."

"Left?" If this is going where he thinks it is...

"Me," Awsten spits out. "You said two hours and then it was three and you wouldn't answer and you didn't text me like you always do and I just- thought you didn't want me anymore." He pauses. His voice is choked. "That you'd finally given up on me?" He phrases it as a question and goes silent afterward, stares up at Geoff with his bloodshot eyes and wet cheeks and quivering lip.

"Awsten..." He trails off with a shake of his head. He knew. He knew this would happen. He knows Awsten's anxiety too well for him to not have seen this. He knew Awsten would worry, he knew that his mind doesn't do well with worry and skyrockets things with completely plausible explanations to mythological heights. He pulls his hand from Awsten's back and moves both to cup his cheeks, to keep Awsten looking him in the eye. "Sunshine, I would never. I love you, okay? I love you with everything in my heart. You're the love of my life. I would never leave you. I never want to." He takes a breath and rubs his fingers along Awsten's jawbones. "I'm not going anywhere. You'll always have me, I promise."

"I just- you didn't- you usually, I-" Awsten stammers. "I'm sorry."

"We finished in two hours," he explains. "And then I hit so much traffic on the way back, angel, I promise I would've texted you if I could. But my phone didn't have signal because it was a dead zone and it was bumper to bumper for three exits straight. It was a mess. I promise you, swear on my life, I would've texted you if I could."

He knows what Awsten needs. He's been doing this long enough to memorize it. No amount of reassurance is enough for someone with depression. The disorder is like a monster perched on your shoulder, digging its claws into skin and pressing its words into brain, he doesn't love you he wants to leave you he already left you you don't deserve him. He knows that no matter how many times he says some things, Awsten may never believe him. He's okay with that. He'll keep saying it until it happens.

He feels the arms around his front again. Awsten presses his cheek against his chest with a whimper of finality. "I'm sorry...I just- I didn't hear from you and I assumed- fuck I'm so stupid, I'm sorry."

"Hey." He pushes Awsten back to hold him at arm's length. "Nothing about you is stupid, okay? This was just a shitty miscommunication. I love you, with all my heart. That's never going to change. I'm never going to leave you. I want you, for the rest of my life. Don't forget that."

"I just- sometimes it feels like too much," Awsten says. "Like I'm too much. And I don't want you to feel like you have to. Take care of me, yknow? 'Cause you don't. And if it ever does get to be too much...you can leave. Don't feel like you havta stay 'cause I won't be okay if you leave. I mean, I won't, but...don't let that keep you here-"

"Sunshine, stop, don't say that." He cuts Awsten off and tangles a hand through his hair. "You are not too much, okay? That's such a bullshit concept. You will never be too much. You have depression and some days are worse than others and sometimes they're all in a row, but that's part of it, love. You know that and I know that. You can't control this. You didn't ask for it. It sucks and I hate seeing you in pain, but if you think I'm going to leave you over it..."

"I just- don't you want someone easy? Someone that doesn't take this much work?" All that's left of his heart is dust. He hates hearing Awsten talk about himself like this; like he's a problem over a person. He hates knowing that this beautiful, radiant, big-hearted angel thinks so little of himself, because Awsten is just that. Beautiful. Radiant. Possessing a heart that barely fits in his body.

"I want you," he murmurs. He tilts Awsten's chin and presses their lips together. "Okay? You are all I want, for the rest of my life."

"Are you sure?"

"I've never been surer about anything."

[amovrpropre]

why would you want to support awsten when he starts drama over everything and treats people poorly trying to be funny?

First, I want to just say that I get where you’re coming from but please name one celebrity that hasn’t done something problematic or rude to someone else. Awsten is far from perfect and has always let his feelings towards himself show in his song writing. He’s a human being with flaws and is nowhere near perfect nor do I condone his behavior at times but that doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to support and appreciate him for what he’s done/created/helped me through some of my tough shit with his stupid humor or lyrically moving songs and I’ll continue to support that but you don’t have to if you don’t want to

[jawnsjournal]

this has been the worst 24 hours of my life. 

let me back up. i didn’t talk about sammi yet. me and sammi had a great time at her apartment. 

wait let me back up again. 

i called scott from a few blocks away from sammi’s apartment. i talked to him for a long time and i was actually a little late to sammi’s because i didn’t want to hang up the phone. he’s so sweet to me and he called me puppy just like i wanted him to. i didn’t even have to ask. i sent him a couple pictures while we were on the phone and i haven’t done that in a long time but i don’t know why because i love him the most when he’s complimenting me and telling me how hard i make him. i talked him through jacking off and i touched myself a little through my shorts but not enough for anything to happen. i just wanted to feel good for a second. 

when i saw sammi a little while later, she showed me how to make her favorite drink and i got really drunk for the first time since i started college. it was a little serious at first because i really needed to talk but once i shut up we just goofed off and i didn’t realize how badly i needed it. ironically i said something to her in the beginning about how i was thankful for her giving me one of my last chances for a long time to have fun. i had no idea that it would be my last one and that everything would completely collapse the next day. which brings me to what happened. 

i was talking with geoff last night and he kept saying weird things and i figured out that he was trying to tell me that he’s my guardian angel. i don’t remember too much other than the awful feeling i had and saying “no no no no no please god no no please no” and laying in bed crying my fucking eyes out. 

he ruined my plan. he blew it up, he fucking obliterated it. and i couldn’t even be mad at him. 

i went in the bathroom and cut myself and then i came out and cried some more and then i went back in and cut myself again and then i came back out and got in bed. geoff wanted me to sleep but i couldn’t. even though he brought rory in and i was holding both of them, i couldn’t do it. 

my brain was all over the place, i couldn’t stop thinking. i was going back in the past looking for hints he’d dropped or fucked up stuff i’d said without meaning to and walking through every possible option i have going forward. if i give myself up to him and he kills me, geoff turns human and that removes the possibility of him helping awsten and otto. if i stay with geoff and he can’t save me, i die and he either turns human and can’t help awsten and otto, or he and i both die and rory is fucking stranded in california. if i stay with geoff and he somehow protects me - which he seems to have no goddamn idea how to do - then we can all go home safe. and if i give myself up to whoever this is and he DOESN’T kill me... 

i mentioned it just briefly to geoff, i said i would do whatever the guy wanted. geoff was so mad, he was like DON’T talk like that. i laid in bed with them until they were both asleep and then i got up and i sat with my back against the front door for a long time. i started talking out loud... talking to whoever he is. nothing happened so i started researching on my phone. how do you get a guardian angel away from you? how do you respond to a stalker? how do you cut in a way that’s ok but that still helps? and you know what i found that was helpful? absolutely nothing. 

after that i went over to the couch and balled up a hoodie and cried into it for a couple minutes and then i wiped my face off and texted scott “daddy please call me when you wake up” (he did, around 5:45) and went into the kitchen and started cooking. we grocery shopped like we were gonna be here for three weeks and do you know what i did? i went through everything. fucking everything. pancakes, cookies, fajitas. i made a vegetable lasagna. i made some burritos (which i actually ate at least). i made muffins when the cookies came out of the oven. i made chocolate pudding from scratch. i made a fancy omelet. and the whole time i was looking at the closed curtains, looking at the door, wondering when the lights were gonna shut off and he was going to come in and grab me. 

i can’t do this. i can’t wait around for some dude to make me disappear. does he sleep? maybe he sleeps when i sleep. which is in the daytime. i waited so long today and got so tired that i felt sick to my stomach. i remember going to geoff (and i must have looked awful) and just pleading to go to sleep. he was like yes, go to sleep. he knows i’m fucked. so i did, i got in bed right away and he came with me which surprised me but i didn’t fight it at all. i wanted him. i needed him. i needed him all through last night but i wasn’t ready to admit that, wasn’t ready to make him feel worse. i was ready today. i actually asked him to play with my hair while i fell asleep and he did and it felt so good i wanted to cry again. i remember falling halfway to sleep and i asked him to bring rory in when it was time for her nap and he said he would. i don’t remember if he did or not though, i must have slept through all of it. 

i do remember having a dream about the guy though. i kind of gasped awake and felt really scared but then geoff was right there and i remember turning over and trying to press my whole self against him. i wanted him to hold me and never ever let go. i always hold him, every night but i wanted to be the one being held today. i was so scared. and when he was all around me and i could smell his clothes and his skin and his hair i felt a whole lot safer. 

he was there when i woke up too. i woke up so slow which i don’t usually but i was aware of him before i was aware of basically anything else. he was still holding me. so warm so quiet and soft and gentle and i am so fucking in love with him. i’m so in love. he is everything i ever want and feeling him with me when i wasn’t even awake was like waking up in heaven. i only slept for five hours but i would limit myself to five hours every day if it meant waking up like that. 

something i didn’t say... this dude’s been texting me. the messages are coming from a “private” number and i tried to call it once but it didn’t let me. he’s sent one message per day, the first one was the number of the hotel room we’d been staying in before we came to gabe’s so i figured we were ok because we’d been gone from the hotel for two days before he texted the number to me. then the next day (yesterday, june 5) he sent a picture of us unloading the car while we were getting to gabe’s which means he followed us there. the picture came from around the side of the house. he was RIGHT FUCKING THERE. and you know what else is horrifying? he scribbled geoff and rory’s faces out before he sent the picture. 

today while we were on a walk he told me he liked my shoes and then he described them to me. i texted back asking where he was. called him a coward and all that shit. probably dangerous i know but for real? he said “close.” and that was all i heard. i sent like 15 messages after that but he didn’t respond to any of them. 

i’ve never thought about killing myself until today. i just want this to end. but i think me dying at all kills geoff maybe? or - it makes him human? i don’t know. does it count if it doesn’t have to do with whoever this guy is? probably. i can’t remember and i can’t ask him. fuck. do you see the problem???? i don’t even know what the rules are. 

before i go there’s one more thing. i’ve been thinking... the guy following me says he loves me right? so he’s probably going to want sex. i know this is going to sound stupid and also probably girly as fuck but i don’t want to lose my virginity to him. that has to be for geoff. it just has to. sometimes i get hard if geoff smiles at me or if i know he’s in the shower or if i just think about him even and i love him with all my heart. i want to ask about sex but i just know i’m doing it for the wrong reasons and he told me once that my reasons matter when it comes to that kind of stuff. plus i’m so stressed and scared all the time that even if i could get it up i don’t know if i’d be able to keep it up. 

fuck, i guess me wondering that means i really do plan to leave geoff. 

fuck. 

fuck. 

[dxathdancx]

I’m scared. Awsten’s interested in me. He’s actually interested and I’m afraid my traumas and my poor mental health will be too much and he’ll leave me. It’s not like we’re official, so it seems extra stupid to be so in my head about this but I just can’t help it. He fills me with butterflies. He makes me smile. He feels so, so safe. But what if I ruin that? What if my head’s too dark? I don’t know if I can handle that... But I think he might be worth the risk.

I’m also feeling weird, confusing things not related to him. Related to my dad. Apparently... Apparently Harry made a deal to get rid of him. I should be glad. I should be happy he’ll never hurt me again. Because God, he’s hurt me bad. Physically. Emotionally. He’s fucked me up in so many ways... But he’s my father. I think part of me is caught up on what that’s supposed to mean. On how a father and son are supposed to love each other. I wish he loved me. I wish I could love him. I don’t think I do... Not after everything he’s done, but...

But I wouldn’t exist without him. And if I existed with some other father, a father who loved me and cared for me and never harmed me... Would I be me? Would I be the same Emerson? I’d be happier but would I be a good person? Would I be able to make the art that I make? Would I be able to have an impact on the lives of fans? Would that trade off be worth it?

I’m supposed to love him, but I can’t. So I should be glad. I should be relieved to know he’ll stop breathing and he can’t hurt me again. I should feel freed... But I don’t. Because the damage is already done. Because I’ve already been fucked beyond repair. So there’s no relief. The fact that he can’t touch me again doesn’t change the fact that he already has. It doesn’t change the broken bones. The childhood hospital visits. The sight of my mother crying and trying to be strong. The memories of Remington getting my blood all over him trying to protect me. Or the memories of my brothers beaten and broken. Being taken advantage of by his friends because he offered me up as some kind of sacrifice. The sick pleasure he got from all of it. It doesn’t change the past. It doesn’t change shit. It doesn’t change shit. It doesn’t change shit. I am still broken. I am still ruined. I don’t think I will ever be fully repaired. I will always carry the trauma and the fear and the scars and the depression and the anxiety. I will always be afraid that the next man I trust will be the next man to hurt me. Always.

I should be glad to be rid of him, but I can’t because I will always know that even when he’s under layers and layers of dirt, he existed to create me and to hurt me in the first place.

[waterparksdrama]

OKAY COULD THIS MEAN A NEW ERA ALREADY/AT LAST? i’m about to get all swiftie on y’all (or idk if that’s an exaggeration but here ya go anyway):

okay let’s review the facts and patterns and shit:

- low-key as hell came out eleven months after fandom, and it was the beginning of an era and the first single of gh but it came out around eight months before it, which is pretty long. buttt, i mean anyway, this almost follows that pattern, with the announcement for the new song just a few weeks in the year later than the announcement for the album a year ago, (has it really been so little since gh? 🥴 also, i wasn’t here for fandom’s release so i can’t really see if the pattern extends further to the past), the only difference would be that he didn’t announce lah like this but bare w me i guess. and this leads me to my next point:

- the announcement for gh looked almost the same as the photo he just posted, except for a different colour and different words (ik that sounds so stupid since words and the colour are the only things there but y’all get my point), the calligraphy is the same (which ik is just awsten’s calligraphy but it’s in all caps, but it’s done with a marker, instead of a pen or sum) and the back colour is literally just that. a colour. (gosh i sound so dumb i’m sorry)

- i would argue that the colours are a bit weird, since if it’s red, then there’s friendly reminder, plus the fact that it was one of the colours for gh, but, yellow and blue were the colours of dd so whatever

- thinking of awsten’s mind and what he would want, it makes sense that he’s kind of eager to move to a new era after the relative commercial failure that gh was and the amount of people who just didn’t like it. plus, with all of the emo stuff coming back so strongly, and awsten avoiding at all costs being part of that, it makes sense that he releases something in order to be like “hey, we’re still here, releasing music that’s not pop punk by any means, and we’re relevant and not that small of a band”

so. yeah. that’s my analysis. idk if this redundant bc like. yeah they’re releasing a song, that’s obvious, and with songs come albums, and he’s a pretty prolific writer so it’s not like it matters that it hasn’t even been a year, anddddd. well yeah idk, the possibility of being one of those songs that don’t come with an album exists but, let’s hope this ain’t the case lol. thanks bye

wow this is really long

they do move cycles quick i almost wonder if he took some of the pieces of those 100+ demos he made and already had the base for another album for a while

not really sure what he's doing now since last time he did the marker over a color thing it was blue and promoted that a new album would come out + the alright was the first tweet he made after his social media hiatus. not sure if this would entirely mark a new era already, especially with a color associated with something he already had planned for a scrapped one but who knows

i'm not really sure how he would really market this rn given that they would still have to release this under 300 if they're gonna tour for gh and release the song this year.

i do think he should take advantage of the 'emo revival' crap happening to promo whatever this is within the scene bc

300 ent won't do it for them/i don’t think their management is landing them any bigger opportunities at all

he's losing a good amount of longtime fans by acting like he's above everything that's built him (the fanbase that reflects him, the scene, etc)

if hardcore dudes don't like him, there an even lower chance of rappers/hip hop heads in 300's scene liking him either

embracing his scene roots in promoting whatever would be good for him i think. one thing i can say about parx is that they aren't that derivative of a derivative stale pop punk you hear with a lot of these "emo revival" artists and showing something new while still paying some sort of homage to those emo pop roots is what parx does better than these people

- iz

[waterparksdrama]

I’m new to the waterparks internet fandom. I’ve just been a casual listener for a while. Goin through your blog I have a lot of questions so, sorry but I’ve got a bunch of asks coming in. Also please forgive me I’m on mobile & I’ve noticed that it doesn’t always show every post so idk for sure if these questions have actually already been answered, pls be patient. 1: why didn’t the lyft driver know who he was picking up? How does that even work? & what did awsten actually do to him?

2: why is everyone saying “fuck warped tour”? What did they do to waterparks and why would the band be on the tour if something happened?

last summer i believe warped tour kinda gave waterparks/atl shit for having a tour at the same time as waterparks. but i think at the time it was about how they were constantly having technical difficulties given warped tours past for not really respecting them

3: I know people thought Michaela and Awsten were dating but like…??? Who actually is she? How did they meet? Why is she important enough that people keep talking about her?

she’s a twitter famous kind of person, i guess. they met through twitter because she posts “funny” things. people talk about her a lot because they want them to date so badly and look at things poorly. but they also talk about her because she has made some really, really bad jokes recently that everyone ignores. 

4: did someone pretend to be awsten on Twitter? Is that how low we as humans have sunk? Don’t waterparks have lots of younger fans? Also if this happened, what was the resolution because I feel like if it was still a mystery people wouldn’t have shut up about it but I’m not on Twitter so maybe they haven’t idk

no one pretended to be awsten on twitter. fans immediately thought an account was awsten because of the personality on the account. there was a resolution, because the account came clean about who they were (it’s was me) and is now basically used as kind of an advice thing.

5: I know Ciara is Awsten’s ex but like? Who is she? Is she famous? Do we have confirmation that she actually cheated on Awsten?

she’s an actress. but not like super famous in any way. awsten gave multiple clues about it through songs and she’s done it to multiple people,

6: while it’s not necessarily bad that Grace is dating her ex’s band mate, why do I get the sense that there’s something fucky about her? Is she like, actually problematic?

yeah, i don’t care about the dating her ex’s band mate either. but i do care about the fact she’s asked underage fans and other fans for money when adult things came up so she could go to the apmas to see otto. i care about the fact that she’s done too many things that were just stupid. 

-alex