#aw nature march 2014

[efaust-photography]

Kerria, Abbey Wood Nature VIII　@ Bostall Gardens in Abbey Wood―Greenwich and Bexley, Greater London, UK.　Apple iPad 4th Gen.　March 2014.

[naoa-ao3]

The Answer You Don't Like

Frank asks Matt a question he doesn't like and Matt gives him an answer he doesn't like.

Originally written in 2014 or 2015.

"Why do you still believe in God?" frank asks. It's a simply phrased question but so volatile in nature that it could never be simple.

Matt doesn't know how to answer and he doesn't know why it's being asked. It's a repulsive question too, for how can he be expected to answer? Why do you Still believe in God? It's not even why do you believe in God. It's so much worse than that. It's why and how do you believe in god when everything on earth tells you not to? It's a humiliating and cruel question and it says I used to but now I don't. And that's awful too. Because it seems so defeated.

Frank doesn't move. He doesn't speak. He doesn't say why he wants to know. He just waits, hunched over on a roof top, taking a midnight break. He waits patiently because he knows Matt will answer and in a petty way he's glad his question is causing so much turmoil. There's something violently satisfying about challenging someone's most closely held beliefs. Oh, he doesn't get off on destroying someone's faith or hurting them. He hates people who do but he can't stand a man who claims to believe wholeheartedly. He doesn't believe a man can be wholehearted about anything good anymore. He used to. Used to be he believed it when a man said he wanted to help another man but now he believes that the only thing a man can be wholehearted about it evil. Because it's so much easier to believe in evil than it is in good and it makes him angry when someone still believes in pure good. It makes him angry that he can't. So it makes him angry that Matt can still believe in God.

Matt wants to ask, Why shouldn't I? But he knows that's a stupid question. There are a billion reasons he shouldn't. He's felt pain and in pain faith isn't easy and sometimes it would be easier to believe in nothing but he looks at Frank and is almost disgusted. Frank is eternally angry and more honestly in pain. He doesn't want that and so he has to believe. Has to believe that for every man he can't punish God will and for every person he can't help God will. But how can he still believe in God after the life he's seen? A life that's gone on while the people he cares about are lost? In that moment he almost hits Frank. Wants to hit him for making him feel so dirty. He feels ashamed and guilty that he can't answer the question.

His long silence forces Frank to speak again. "Do you like it? Guilt, penance, Absolution?" No response. "I don't believe in that. A priest can't forgive my sins or anyone else's."

Matt looks up because there it is, plain as day. The difference between them. Frank doesn't believe in making up. Once you go bad it doesn't matter how many good things you do you can never make up for the bad ones. What a terrible way to live. No forgiveness, no redemption, no remorse. How ugly. And he wonders if life is ugly to Frank.

Frank's losing his patience, he's angry that he's not getting an answer. He wanted something from Matt. He wanted an answer because he can't see one but Matt's still riled from the question. Get over it. He thinks, willing him to answer before the break gets too long.

"I just do." Matt says at length. "I can't tell you why Frank but I do."

Frank sneers. That's not the answer he wants. "It's that simple?"

"No, it's not simple at all."

Frank nods and he's glad that it's not and some long ago part of him understands.

They're interrupted by a cry from a few streets over. Matt knows he has to beet Frank to the scene because if he doesn't it'll be a death on his hands.

They race. Frank doesn't care about Matt or his answer any more. He's got an itchy finger and an unsatisfied feeling in his gut. He marches on. Matt worries about Frank. He can't let him get there first. Not when he can prevent it. He jumps from rooftop to rooftop, going as fast as he possibly can. It's up to him.

When he gets there it's seconds before Frank. He meets a mugging in process. A couple out late is held at gun point by some washed up druggie. He makes them all stop. "Put the wallet on the ground and drop the purse." He says. The frightened addict does as he's told and Matt prays that he can defuse the situation before Frank gets there because to Frank all sins are the same and none of them can be made up for. He doesn't think Frank will spare some loser looking for drug cash.

The couple grab up their things and make a break for it and Matt clocks the junkie. Franks steps out from the shadows. He was there all along although Matt doesn't know if he got there first. Maybe that night he decided to spare the junkie after all.

"You don't make up for your sins in church Matt. You do it on the streets."

Matt gives him a side long look. Frank does believe penance exists. "Then why the Punisher?" He wants to know.

"Because most people don't even try and God doesn't punish them."

"Then who does?"

"I do." it's a chilling answer and a terrifying one coming from a man who's foregone forgiveness.

And then quite suddenly he's gone and Matt hates the answer. Neither one of them sleep that night. They've both been shaken. They both feel dissatisfied and angry.

Bones are broken as they try and work through their anger. They both go a little too hard on petty criminals. And in the morning Matt looks at his bruised and bloody fists and thinks of them as penance and Frank looks at his empty chamber and thinks of it as Absolution. The kind that begs forgiveness and the kind that doesn't forgive.

[zalrb]

So according to Matt, once is River-sexual? Yk That matches what I remember because even though there are those weird moments with Amy and that episode with the Tardis, I only felt that he was involved with River. How when she was the one flirting you could see her matching her energy and committing. With the Tardis I felt like it should have been more, you know? Because he's her thief and she was his thief.And although I think the script was there, I couldn't feel it... Because she's not River And I always had the impression that if it wasn't River Once he couldn't give his all, that's why I think that with Clara they vibrated but not at the same level.

By the way, what are your opinions on Once wanting River to be a more permanent part of his life and her refusing?

I came across this blog that had a bunch of Matt Smith quotes about River and Eleven, which was interesting to read and to see Matt's views about their relationship and specifically the sexual/physical nature of their relationship change over the years, but my favourite quotes were:

Matt Smith (March 2014- Wizard World Louisville): I think the Doctor actually loves River in a way he sort of doesn’t love anyone else. I mean, River’s a space vixen.

Matt Smith(February 2014- Wizard World): I'm really possessive over Alex! I said this to Steven, I was like, 'Listen mate, just don't--just not Alex.' Anyone else, but don't give [Capaldi] River, you know...But I am really proud of the fact that Alex was part of number Eleven's life...my wife!

for all of the other quotes: https://raggedyism.tumblr.com/post/109699473547/matt-smith-on-river-songalex-kingston-over-the

and I think the Doctor is interesting because Matt and Tennant have described him as being awkward or not really understanding when people flirt with him and yet because part of the Doctor's personalities is a certain level of vanity and therefore doing a certain amount of peacocking to impress and inspire awe, he ends up flirting quite a bit but with River, there's a knowing quality to the way he interacts with her that he doesn't have with anyone else.

In terms of River not really being a "companion" of Eleven, I mean she has things she needs to do, adventures of her own, and I liked that they had all these moments together offscreen and he sneaks out of the Tardis to take her to parties etc. I think it helps her characterization as being her own person who isn't at the Doctor's beck and call.

[wozman23]

2023 Game of the Year List

1) Alan Wake II (10/10)

Thirteen years! That's how long some fans had to wait for the follow up to the original Alan Wake. Thirteen years of uncertainty about whether we'd ever see a sequel. Thirteen years full of glimmers of hope. Thirteen years full of periods of despair. Thirteen years of Alan Wake II prototypes being passed on. Thirteen years of those projects turning into other IPs. Thirteen years of clever little nods and Easter eggs in games like Quantum Break and Control. I was a bit more fortunate. Having never owned a 360, and only finally getting to experience the original Alan Wake on PC in March of 2014, the wait was closer to a decade for me.

But from the moment I finally played the original Alan Wake, it quickly became one of my all-time favorite games. So the wait was still excruciating. Slowly, all the signs began to point toward a sequel actually existing. Remedy bought the right to the IP from Microsoft. The Control AWE expansion heavily featured Alan and hinted that we may soon be returning to Cauldron Lake. And then, it was official: Alan Wake II would finally be coming out! Even though I was far more certain by that point, it still felt surreal.

I tried to stay away from details pre-release. I wanted to go in knowing nothing. I pretty much did. Over thirteen years, so much has changed with gaming. Playing the remaster of the original shows that. Performance capture back then was in its infancy. Holding even the remaster up to today's light shows its rough edges. The atmosphere is still phenomenal. The Pacific Northwest is fully realized. But other areas have lost their luster. Animations, particularly when it comes to the characters and their facial animations feel dated in 2023. The audio is often a bit jarring. But the charm and intriguing nature of the game is still there in full effect. There were a few things I knew about the sequel. There would be two protagonists, with Saga serving as a bridge for new players. And the game would shift to more of a survival horror genre compared to the more action-focused original. That detail created a bit of fear.

Then I got to play Alan Wake II, and any fears were quelled. I can say that every, single, little decision that was made for Alan Wake II was perfect. Switching protagonists was great. Creating more tension by making enemies and encounters fewer and far between was great. Rewarding characters for exploring by hiding weapons and various upgrades off the beaten path was great. Abandoning collecting 100 damn thermoses was great! Taking the cinematic ideas from Quantum Break multiple steps forward was great. Linking all the breadcrumbs from the Remedy Connected Universe, which really seemed to come into its own in Control, was great. The visuals, great. The effects, particularly in overlaps and with jump scares, were great. The story, which answers a few key questions while creating many, many more, was great. The subtle inclusion of humor was great, especially within such a dark and serious game. On an artistic level as a whole, it was great. The interstitial songs between chapters were great in the first game. Here they were phenomenal! They command your attention. They provide their own details about the narrative. And they all absolutely slap! It would be impossible for me to pick a favorite because they're all so varied and amazing for different reasons. The graffiti in The Dark Place was great. Coffee World was great. That one moment, that was almost cut, that feels unlike anything that has ever been in a game was simply magical!

No one does music like Remedy. Their partnership with Poets of the Fall at this point is historied. All the artists they worked with on Alan Wake II were really impressive. The chapter songs from RAKEL, Poe, and ROOS + BERG feel like they occupy a eerie space somewhere between Billie Eilish and Nine Inch Nails. Mougleta and Jaimes threw down some catchier, poppy tracks. And the Paleface song packs a punch on its own just as much as it did in game. Even more impressive, Poe really hadn't really done anything in ten years, but re-collaborated with Remedy once more. Then there's Ahti, portrayed by Finnish actor and singer Martti Suosalo, who sings the beautiful Yötön Yö in Finnish.

The game really is a love letter to Finland. There's so much Finnish charm in the characters, locations, and humor, particularly with the Koskela brothers. I've always been fascinated with the Nordic region. The beauty of the area. They're unique cultures. The music coming out of that Sweden from We Are The Catalyst and Katatonia. Comedian Ismo. Or maybe it originally stemmed from watching Conan take his show there in 2006. Regardless, Alan Wake II definitely makes me want to visit Finland. It makes me want to live there. And it makes me want to learn the language just so Ahti can't sneak any secrets by me. Perkele!

I could break down nearly any of the other qualities that make the game great, and write plenty about the finer details that make them great. I could talk about practically every single character, their actions and motives, and the theories I have about them. Since release I've been absorbed with just that. I've been reading other people's interpretations and theories. I've watch many a youtube video dissecting the entire Alan Wake universe as well as the Remedy Connected Universe. I want to go back and replay Quantum Break, and Control, and the original, and even Max Payne – having never played the originals. I'd almost rather just further explore the Alan Wake rabbit hole than play other games. That has never happened before with a game. I've played a ton of amazing games over my approximately 35 years of gaming. Both entries of The Last of Us gave me slightly similar feelings, but that was more about just exploring the themes about the somewhat concrete narratives. Here, there is so much nebulousness to the narrative. We have no clue who Thomas Zane really is. We have no clue who Ahti really is. We have no clue who Alex Casey really is. Mr Door... Tim Breaker... The Bookers... Odin and Tor... the list goes on and on. We have no clue what Alice has actually been up to. We have no clue about the resolution to Saga's story, or what she's actually capable of. We really don't comprehend the mysteries of Cauldron Lake, The Clicker, parautilitarians, and so much more. And I love the game for that. For every thing I learn, or think I know, there's an ocean of things I don't know. And they mystery has its hooks in me deep.

Every little thing feels like it has a purpose. Every detail meticulously crafted. It almost doesn't feel like a game. As the game industry has evolved, and budgets reached stratospheric level, games have become safe, predictable. In the average AAA game, you can expect missions, a bunch of side missions that may be important or may just be there to pad out the game play time. You'll hunt for collectibles that often have little-to-no purpose.

Alan Wake boldly goes in a different direction. Sure, there's still a common thread that urges you to continue, and plenty of things to seek out and collect. But none of it ever feels forced or fake. It all feels like it adds to the narrative. I could even talk about the lunchboxes or nursery rhymes for quite a bit, and the way they transcend simply being collectible and puzzles to expand on the lore as well.

I feel like I could play the game a thousand times, and find new details that lead me to new theories.

Director, Sam Lake, has gone on record saying that he was happy that the game did take thirteen years to release. And as painful as the wait was, I have to agree with him. I don't think we would have got this version of Alan Wake ten years ago, or even five years ago. It feels as if it was created at the perfect point in time as a culmination of everything that Remedy has learned since the original.

Very few games have brought me to tears. The Last of Us is really the only other AAA game to do so. But after finishing Alan Wake II, and listening to the beautiful chapter songs, I found myself tearing up. Not because of the story itself, but because I'm just so damn grateful that it exists. And so damn happy that Remedy did such an excellent job and following up and exceeding my nearly insurmountable expectations.

I could talk about this game until I ran out of air. I've tried not to delve into the story to much, or mention any spoilers. But I could easily go on about all of that stuff for days. But I wouldn't want to spoil the experience for anyone. If you have any interest in the game, or just enjoy the spectacle of gaming in general, you really should play Alan Wake II. It's a once-in-a-generation game. Perhaps a once-in-a-lifetime game. I'm so happy it was recognized and rewarded at this year's Game Awards, taking home awards for Best Narrative, Art Direction and Game Direction. I thought it should have easily won for Best Music and Score considering how unique Remedy's approach is to incorporating music, and I figure it had an outside shot a GOTY, but it's hard to know feel so happy and proud of the team for all they accomplished.

When Geoff was asking on Twitter what the musical act should be, I, and many others, emphatically chimed in with “The Old Gods of Asgard!” Not allowing Poets of the Fall to let it rip live was a travesty, but I know that's often the case for live performances. It was still a wonderful moment. My worry was that they wouldn't be able to coordinate everything to give the performance the love it deserved. So it was great to see everyone show up: David Harewood, Ilkka Villi, Matthew Porretta, and Sam joining in at the end, living his best life in pure elation. The smile on his face as he danced along will live rent free in my head until the day I die. I love that man, his enthusiasm, and his reckless ambition so damn much! I also enjoyed seeing people who didn't play the game react to it, utterly confused by its weirdness. Best moment in the shows history! On Monday, the Final Draft patch comes out for Alan Wake II, which promises new content, new videos, new manuscript pages, and a different ending. It's the perfect excuse to play through the game again, which I'll plan to do after the holidays.

Please, let's not wait another thirteen years for a continuation. I don't want to be 53 when Alan Wake III comes out, which thankfully no longer feels like an if, but a when. I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more Alan Wake, and more of the Remedy Connected Universe! So until that day, I'll consume myself with fan theories, and replaying their games, and maybe finally getting around to watching a large part of the inspiration for the franchise, Twin Peaks.

2) Viewfinder (10/10)

Viewfinder quickly climbed to the Number 2 spot on my most anticipated list, behind only Alan Wake II, and much like Alan Wake II it not only lived up to the hype, but blew me away. It's a once-in-a-generation puzzle game, going toe to toe with greats like The Unfinished Swan, Portal, or The Witness. There is no other way to explain the mechanic than it feeling like magic. I cannot comprehend how you would make a game with that much freedom to reshape the world. If there was one game that it reminded me of, it would be The Unfinished Swan. Both did such an excellent job of introducing you to a lovely world, evolving their mechanics, and varying up their art styles throughout the experience. The game got some bad publicity upon release due to some of the voice over work, which I found to be an absurd criticism. Not once was I distracted by it. What did distract me was my childlike desire to toy around with the main mechanic. Not once could I break the game. Playing it was like watching a grandiose magic act. Every time I placed a picture, I understood what I was doing, but I could never believe it actually worked.

3) Cocoon (10/10)

I think Jeppe Carlsen is one of the best developers in the industry, period. His work on Inside and Limo during his time at Playdead is well respected. But for me he really made a name for himself with his smaller project, 140. So anything that he makes will be on my radar. I really hoped Cocoon could finish in my top spot this year as well, but placing it at Number 3 isn't a slight by any means. I consider all three of the games mentioned so far to be perfect or near-perfect games (as well as the next one). The main reason that Cocoon finds its place behind the other two is because if felt somewhat safe when it came to the gameplay. The atmosphere was perhaps Jeppe's best work to date. The world was as mysterious and strange as it was beautiful. However I found the gameplay, bosses, and overall puzzle design to be a bit too simple and predictable. I really applaud the one button approach, and really appreciate Jeppe's dedication to minimalism and simplicity, but I think it may have undermined much of the Cocoon experience. As expected the puzzle mechanics did evolve nicely, and never overstayed their welcome, but I was kind of left wanting a bit more complexity. The later levels did some really cool things, but I never really found myself stumped. Again, it's hard to discredit the game because of that, because part of Jeppe's design philosophy seems to favor creating puzzle games that are extremely intuitive. While I might sound a bit more critical here, its really only because I hoped for more depth. There's another game you'll find on many peoples' Game of the Year List that is absent from mine: Super Mario Bros. Wonder – a game I actually bought after Jeppe tweeted that a mechanic from it looks oddly similar to something from 140. The reason you won’t find it on my list is similar. It just didn't have enough depth for me to find it anything other than average. Wonder just plays everything so safe, never really fully explores the clever mechanics in it, and just feels so sterile in every detail. It's the biggest, major criticism I have about practically every Nintendo title these day. Every game feels like it's weighed down by Nintendo's stubbornness to evolve. They make simple games, with simple gameplay, with simple art styles, with simple stories. Despite my desire to enjoy their output, they've become predictable and boring to me. I feel as if I've outgrown them. Thankfully I don't get that feeling from Cocoon. The only less-than-stellar thing I can say about it is that the gameplay just didn't wow me. The artistry of everything else is top-of-the-class. It feels fresh and new and unique. It's really what I'd like from Nintendo these days.

4) Worldless (10/10)

Worldless was on my radar mainly due to its look, but it wasn't until the summer when I played the Xbox demo that I decided it would be a Day 1 purchase. Due to it's somewhat turn-based combat, it's not the typical game I would play. But the presentation, platforming nature, and Metroidvania structure of it coaxed me into it. And I'm glad it did, as I had a lot of fun with it. Much like Cocoon, the world was very mysterious. The biomes looked great, and the sound design complemented the world well. The animations of the characters and enemies also really impressed. It's one of those games that is somehow tranquil in its presentation, but challenging with its gameplay. Figuring out each battle felt like a puzzle, especially when trying to efficiently battle entities so that instead of simply defeating them you could absorb them to gain upgrade abilities. There were a large variety of enemies, and every one of them felt unique. There were also a lot of mechanics. Perhaps too many for me. The controls between the two characters did take some getting used to, especially considering you had double the abilities to play with, and they felt as if they didn't always align within the control scheme, especially when it came to having specific buttons to block specific attacks, whether they were physical, magical, or star attacks. So I'm sure a lot of my struggles came from not fully understanding each ability and the benefits of all of them. Between basic attacks, heavy attacks, ranged attacks, elemental attacks, combos, blocks, parries, and buffs, there was a lot to try to comprehend. And you had to also be cognizant of the use of attacks that resulted in physical damage as opposed to filling the absorption meter. Still, I took down every foe except for the two most difficult. Even a few of the last challenging ones I took down took a lot of perseverance. I'm sure I was stuck on one or two for a few hours alone. There were a few mechanics I probably never explored enough. Sometimes a single boss would help me understand one I wasn't using. Clearly the two I faltered on just represent the blind spots I still have when it comes to the mechanics, but I didn't want to resort to help via the internet. So after hours of struggling with one – but I think getting close - and making it to the other ultimate boss who I instantly noped out on, I'll just accept that failure. As opposed to Cocoon, this game's biggest issue, at least for me, was it overcomplexity. So I'm probably sounding pretty wishy-washy right now. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Still its hard to fault the game for my own shortcomings and unfamiliarity with the depth of a good turn-based game. It rounds out the list of the game's I thought were near-perfect this year.

5) Dredge (9/10)

Dredge snuck up on me. I don't remember how I found it. I probably saw it on Twitter. But it looked like a really cool blend of tranquil gameplay and a weird, eerie, occult story. So I put my faith in it and bought it on release day. And it turned out to be precisely what I hoped it would be. The boat upgrades provided a nice sense of progression that kept me exploring the seas to hunt down every species of fish, crab, and the aberrations. The only thing I wanted more of was cutscenes that looked like the initial Animated Trailer. The recently released DLC is the next thing on my list to play. I don't think it will be a lot of content, but any excuse to sail those seas again is fine by me.

6) Tchia (9/10)

Tchia interested me when it was announced. But so many games catch my eye that it may never have got any playtime. Thankfully it was included with PlayStation Plus, so there was no excuse to not try it. The main reason it finds itself at Number 6 is because it didn't feel as unique as the previously mentioned games. You could feel its influences, the D.N.A. of other games. You had the charming ukelele parts that felt like a more cheerful The Last of Us. There was the exploration of Assassin's Creed. The climbing of the newer Zelda entries and boat travel similar to Wind Waker. That's not to discredit Tchia, because it borrowed great things from all those games, and presented them cohesively, with a fresh coat of paint, in a beautiful world. The one thing that did feel wholly unique was the traversal. Taking over animals and objects felt very satisfying. Soaring through the skies as a bird felt just as good as tumbling across terrain as a rock. It also really nailed the sense of adventure when it came to treasure hunting by incorporating the map and photos, favoring clues instead of the blatant and obvious objective marker laden experiences that so many games choose to go with these days. I had an absolute joy completing every single thing in it, and I'm glad PlayStation Plus gave me the chance to do witness its charm.

7) Humanity (9/10)

Here's another PlayStation Plus game that I played because it was a right place, right time game. I really didn't know much about it prior to release, but upon release I was reading a lot of good things online. I love a good puzzle game. It took the Lemmings concept a wrapped it up in a tranquil yet fun experience. Some of the puzzles were pretty tough, especially the one's required to reach 100% completion. In some cases, solutions took hours. One trophy in particular, due to its vague description took me way longer than it should have, stating that you had to beat a particular level “without using one of the branching commands.” I bashed my head against the wall trying to figure out how I could move platforms and everyone around to do a seemingly impossible task without using any branching commands. At one point, I finally got lucky, with so many humans walking around that they bled over into other tiles where I could manipulate their paths to the exits. Once I'd beat it, I went online to see if others struggled with it. Turns out, in that level you had TWO branching commands available. So you just needed to beat it with only using ONE, which was super simple by comparison. Thankfully I wasnt the only idiot who interpreted it wrong and brute forced the harder solution. Aside from the standard levels and challenges, the boss battles were really high points as well.

8) Hi-Fi RUSH (9/10)

Much like PlayStation Plus provided me with the last two great games, Xbox Game Pass drew plenty of my attention this year. In many cases, like with Atomic Heart, The Last Case of Benedict Fox, Ravenlok, Planet of Lana, Dordogne, Figment 2: Creed Valley, and Starfield, the experiences were middling or downright disappointing. Hi-Fi Rush was one of the exceptions. I think the best compliment I can give it is that it felt like a game from a previous generation, maybe around the PS2/XBOX or PS3/XB360 eras. It reminds me a lot of the colorful action platformers like Ratchet & Clank, Sly Cooper, and Jak. It looked great, oozed creativity, and was a ton of fun to play. Most notable though: the music. The in-house music was great, but whoever picked the licensed stuff knew my wheelhouse. From the moment early on when “1,000,000” by Nine Inch Nails came on in a boss fight, I was invested. Then there was “The Perfect Drug” in another battle. And “Honestly” by Zwan to bookend the game. But perhaps the greatest sequence came during the final stage, with “Whirring” by The Formidable Joy. For a brief moment in time, in 2011, I was enamored with that song. But I really never got into The Formidable Joy, so I forgot about it completely. So when that invisible friend reappeared to say hello again here, I fell in love with the song all over again. The entire time it played I was in a state of bliss. And one of the first things I did then night, after I beat the game, as I laid down for bed, was listen to “Whirring” again. That rediscovery was the colorful bow atop an already brilliant package.

9) Marvel's Spider-Man 2 (9/10)

Insomniac is my favorite developer of all time, largely in part thanks to Ratchet & Clank. I've been playing games for around 35 years now, nearly my entire life, but I wasn't always as invested in the hobby. The Ratchet & Clank franchise revitalized my enthusiasm for much of gaming. And for that reason, I will play any game they release if I own the console. The reason I can play games on Game Pass is because I bought the Sunset Overdrive Xbox One Bundle. However, Spider-Man isn't a property I care all that much about. What you see here is what you get. Spider-Man 2 is the typical AAA game, a graphically impressive game full of action and blockbuster moments. It is a spectacle. But it's also weighed down by the design ideas of what a typical AAA game should be. It is a step forward compared to the original. Peter and Miles gain a lot of fun powers. The less agile, more hulking Venom was really fun to play as briefly. The combat system has a depth to it that is engaging and fun. The portal mission early on dials the Ratchet & Clank rift mechanic up to 11, making the power of the PS5 feel like a true step forward, but sadly the idea is only seen in that one sequence. Overall, much of the game feels like a chore, merely serving up obstacles that get in the way of the main story. Do this side mission. Collect these things. Decide how to use your upgrade points. Get Gold in the Mysterium challenges. A lot of things just feel like they get in the way of me seeing the myriad of cool villains. It's not the most tedious AAA game, but when compared to the likes of something like Alan Wake II – which I played prior to Spider-Man 2 despite it coming out a week later because I was more hyped for it – it just feels so gamesy, and less artsy. The one really praiseworthy improvement is the traversal. Swinging around is always fun in a Spider-Man game. Here, new ideas like the wing suit make zipping around the city effortless. That part never gets old. Its overall excellence does make me wish I knew more about the franchise. Perhaps I'd be more impressed in that case. But because I don't, and because the AAA development cycle has ballooned to somewhat unsustainable levels, not only was I in the dark about the character teased in the ending, but I'd completely forgotten the plot and characters from the first game. Also, the Cube Suit Spider-Man glitch hit at possibly the worst point possible, when a disembodied head of Peter was seen crying over his Aunt May on her deathbed. Followed by an intense action sequence where I should have looked like a total badass in the Negative Suit, but instead I whooped ass as a small white cube until the gameplay slowed down and I found a working skin amongst a sea of white cubes. Fortunately, Miles' top tier Bodega Cat suit was unaffected, so I still got to watch that kitty whoop ass. Yeah, Spider-Man 2 is still a good game. But it's just that: a game. I'll still play Spider-Man 3. But I'm glad it's out of the way because as an X-Men fan, I'm far more excited for their Wolverine game, and hopefully another Ratchet & Clank. And if it were up to me, I'd scrap Spider-Man completely in favor of more Ratchet & Clank.

10) Horizon Forbidden West: Burning Shores (9/10)

Spoiler Alert: Since Zero Dawn, I've wanted to see a Horus in action. Here we finally got that moment, and it was great. Nothing much more needs to be said. That alone is worth the price of admission. Sure, there are cool new machines and weapons, and I could visit my local buddy, the Hollywood Sign, but let me just fight more Horuses?.. Horusi?... or is it one of those things where the plural is the singular?... One thing is for certain. I'm certainly going to miss Lance Reddick as Sylens. He was well known in the world of TV, but also a bastion in gaming. There was still so much mystery surrounding his character. I'll be curious to see how Guerrilla approaches that. Maybe they should just got the same route as Remedy and hire David Harewood who filled a role that was clearly originally going to be Lance's so well.

Honorable Mentions:

Jusant (8.5/10) – A charming yet simple little game about climbing a large tower, with nice art and a fun climbing mechanic, that's include in Game Pass

Bramble: The Mountain King (8.5/10) – A weird, eerie, macabre little game based on Nordic fables, that uses photorealism well, and feels like the lovechild of Little Nightmares and Hellblade. Also on Game Pass.

Solar Ash (8.5/10) – Cool, fluid traversal, drenched in a lovely style, only marred by a few gripes about the controls and framerate

Trine 5: A Clockwork Conspiracy (8.5/10) – More Trine. A beautiful fantasy world. Fun puzzle gameplay and mechanics led by Amadeus Amadeusing it up by making boxes and planks. In some cases so many abilities were added, I forgot what all I could do. As a fifth entry, its getting a bit long in the tooth, so I imagine its hard to come up with as memorable set pieces and bosses.

UVSU (9/10) – A short game jam project from Dietzribi, who made one of my favorite games of 2021, Toodee & Topdee. It's you (U) versus you (U) as you play as both the protagonist and antagonist, switching off to get to the goal, then preventing your past self from getting to the goal, then avoiding that past self then next time, and so on for multiple rounds. There's a lot that could be iterated on here, and a full game may materialize at some point in the future!

Mechstermination Force (2019) (9/10) – I found this one on Twitter. It's got some rough edges. But underneath a bit of jank is a fun little game with some really cool boss design, where you take down mechs by focusing on their weak points as they evolve through multiple phases. Creatively it reminded me a lot of one of my favorite platformers, Puppeteer. Retroactively it takes the Number 5 spot in my 2019 list, which seemed like a mediocre year overall.

The Quarry (2022) (9/10) – A campy horror choose-your-adventure game that's light on gameplay but a thrilling romp. The use of light and dark looked great and really heightened the atmosphere. It approaches uncanny valley in some instances, but overall the performances were great. My favorite game from Supermassive to date. Retroactively, it takes the Number 8 spot in my 2022 list.

Dead Space (Remake) (9/10) – If not for Alan Wake, Dead Space would be my favorite horror game. I'm not really a fan of the trend of remaking games that aren't really all that old, so I don't consider remakes for my GOTY lists. The original does rank among my Top 10 from the entire PS3 generation, and was probably a somewhere between my Number 1 and 3 game in 2008. It would probably still hold up. If I did want to check, I could simply plug the PS3 back in. If it ain’t broke, don't fix it. The original isn't fresh in my mind, so I didn't notice most of the changes. But quite a bit was changed. Weapons got new tweaks and fire modes, probably for the better. But a lot of other unneeded changes were made, like giving Isaac a voice, and padding the game out by adding side quests and a security clearance system that locked upgrades and resources away until a points in the story where you gained a level of clearance. Some people may have appreciated this stuff as it fleshed out the story, but I realized I never really cared much about the story with this one. I just wanted to slice limbs off Necromorphs, which is still so unique, and just as satisfying fifteen years later. Props again to Game Pass for letting me revisit this without spending $70 for it.

Most Anticipated:

1) Pepper Grinder Game 2) SCHiM 3) The Plucky Squire 4) THRASHER 5) Sword of the Sea 6) Hades II 7) Senua's Saga: Hellblade II 8) Gori: Cuddly Carnage 9) The Spirit of the Samurai 10) GREENFIELD 11) Rootown 12) Little Nightmares III 13) UVSU 14) Bionic Bay 15) Go Mecha Ball 16) Öooo (the next game from Nama Takahashi about a bomb-laying catapillar) 17) Symphonia 18) IKARO: Will Not Die 19) Skate Story 20) PaperKlay 21) Judas 22) Clockwork Revolution 23) Phonopolis 24) Été 25) 30 Birds 26) Marvel's Wolverine 27) Control II 28) Black Myth: Wukong 29) South of Midnight 30) Summerhill

[tanyamg1]

The Last Ten Years

July 2023. My ten year anniversary of my healing journey that started July 2013 in Caux, Switzerland. And what a journey it has been. All the highs higher than high and the lows lower than low, and everything in between. I don’t regret one moment of it, and I am better for it. I have put in the work, and as witnesses God, the universe, and all that is good, know that I have. These witnesses have seen all the beauty, the sanación, the grief, the pain, the awe, and the progress. And this anniversary just represents another point in the journey, as I truly believe my healing will never “arrive” at any particular place, it just enters the next phase. I think back, on my physical and health journey, my illness, my internal work, my shadow work, all of my spiritual work, my heartbreaks, all of the challenges, the things and people that have fallen away, the parts of myself that have slowly bloomed and broken through the surface and continue growing, the forgiveness, the love, the deepest love ever for several human beings that are still out there in the world, but most of all the deepest love for myself. I can recognize key moments, I’ll mention a few – July 2014 when I jumped out of a plane for the first time, December 2014 when I went on my personal pilgrimage to Hawaii, July 2016, when I changed jobs and took on the most impactful and difficult assignment of my career to date, December 2017 when I completed my master’s degree, February 2018 when I was diagnosed with Lyme disease, October 2018 when Oso came into my life, September 2019 when I realized I needed to fall head over heels in love with myself, March 2020 when the global pandemic became the catalyst for my life to explode, May 2020 when my life did explode, May 2021 when I bought my house that is now my sanctuary, November 2021 when I returned to Centro Holistico Luz Azul in Mexico and was right where I needed to be, September 2022 when I had the opportunity to go to Kripalu, after again being put through the fire during the summer of 2022. It was at Kripalu that I was reminded, as I learned in Caux, that my natural state, away from the weight of the world, is to take care of myself. So many other key moments over these last ten years that I will not list here. And now, at the start of July 2023, I have plans to jump again, later in the month, for the first time since I have navigated my illness. The nerves do come in – can I still do it? But I think of the freedom, of the adrenaline, of the aliveness, of the return to my essence, that I feel every time I have done it, and I know I can and will. And I have a faithful certainty that this month marks the next phase. I am ready for it, with my heart and soul open. What that next phase will be will still unfold, and I walk the path, connected to nature, unafraid of where I will end up. Feeling only gratitude for the path, my path.

[timextoxhajima]

Grounded: Level 8

Level 7 | Level 9

Member: Minho (Lee Know)

Genre: idol minho x idol trainee reader

Taglist: @jaehyvnsvalentine @licorice526 @lolwhatameme @felixn-recs @yunapixie @rindomo @sleeping-hero-of-procastination​​

A/N: This chapter includes fake character idol profiles so please don’t attack me that your face isn’t there. No, I am not glorifying the fact that only korean girls are pretty, but this is in fact the most culturally accurate account of a fake profile I can create given the context. 

WI5HES (위셔스) is a South Korean girl group under HYBE (previously known as BigHit Ent.). The group currently consists of Ju Rin, l/n, Ga Hyun, So Eun and Min Jung. WI5HES debuted on March 15, 2021 under HYBE. They are HYBE’s first girl group since 2014.

Stage Name: Ju Rin

Birthname: Wang Ju Rin

Position: Leader, Lead Vocalist, Sub-Rapper

Birthday: May 10, 2000

Zodiac Sign: Taurus

Height: 167cm (5′5)

Weight: 48kg (106 lbs)

Blood Type: A+

Stage Name: l/n y/n

Birthname: y/n

Position: Main Dancer, Lead Rapper, Sub-Vocalist

Birthday: June 15, 2000

Zodiac Sign: Gemini

Height: 164cm (5′4)

Weight: 49kg (108 lbs)

Blood Type: O

Stage Name: Ga Hyun

Birthname: Choi Ga Hyun

Position: Lead Vocalist, Lead Rapper, Lead Dancer, Visual

Birthday: October 25, 2001

Zodiac Sign: Scorpio

Height: 170cm (5′6)

Weight: 51kg (112 lbs)

Blood Type: O

Stage Name: So Eun

Birthname: Kang So Eun

Position: Main Rapper, Lead Dancer, Sub-Vocalist, Center

Birthday: November 5, 2001

Zodiac Sign: Scorpio

Height: 172cm (5′6)

Weight: 50kg (110 lbs)

Blood Type: B

Stage name: Min Jung

Birthname: Gwang Min Jung

Position: Main Vocalist, Lead Rapper, maknae

Birthday: August 15, 2003

Zodiac Sign: Leo

Height: 163cm (5′3)

Weight: 46kg (101 lbs)

Blood Type: AB

“Five is better than three, annyeonghaseyo, WI5HES-ibnida!” The echo of your introduction rings through the dressing room, backstage of the MCountdown stage. It draws goosebumps from your arms and your back. Min Jung grits her teeth, attempting to contain her anxiety when she sees herself on stage through the recording for the first time.

So Eun’s sobbing into Ju Rin’s shoulder, and Ga Hyun has her phone out, randomly snapping photos of So Eun’s slightly smudged make-up. 

“Yah, haven’t you taken enough?” Ju Rin wraps the rim of Ga Hyun’s phone with her palm, covering the camera, unable to contain her grin. 

“Aw, come on!” Ga Hyun pouts, retracting her phone and wiping the lens with her sleeve. “It’s not everyday we get to debut.”

Knock Knock

“Who is it?” Ju Rin cranes her neck behind her, nodding for Min Jung to get the door. Already halfway down a bow, Min Jung opens the door to reveal a strange mixture of Hyunjin, I.N, Soobin, Yeonjun and Beomgyu. 

“Oh, annyeonghaseyo,” Min Jung’s reflexes are to greet Hyunjin and I.N first. 

“Annyeonghaseyo,” Hyunjin and I.N bow to the lot of you, and suddenly everybody’s bowing. “Congratulations on your debut!”

Ju Rin releases So Eun to receive the adorable box of cupcakes from Hyunjin and I.N. 

“Chan-hyung and the others send their regards. They couldn’t be here today for a separate schedule.”

“Oh, we’re not the ones you should be reporting this to,” Ga Hyun snickers, pulling away from what looks like a handshake routine with Beomgyu. Eyes turn to you, forcing the blush on your cheeks to be of natural effect and not the make-up. 

After the scandal with Yeonjun, things died down relatively quickly. More pictures of you training with the other members were released, diluting the idea that you and Yeonjun were dating. Furthermore, there was no other evidence of you and Yeonjun going out on secret dates that the company didn’t know about. 

But of course, WI5HES and TXT know about Minho’s confession, and needless to say, they had to be reeled back under control.

“My God, it’s like you want Lee Know hyung to pass out from jealousy,” Hyunjin’s eyes narrow with mischief, holding out his phone screen to you. 

“What? Why would he be jealous? There’s not a single person on that page that’s a threat to him,” Scrolling through the pictures absent-mindedly, you scorn at his baseless remark. 

“He’ll be jealous solely from the fact that you look good in your photos,” Jeongin sucks on the upper row of his teeth. 

“I know,” A shy smile appears on your lips. “We’ve had this conversation before.”

“Eugh,” Hyunjin shudders, shoulders reaching his ears as he groans in disgust. “Glad I wasn’t around for that conversation.”

“Anyway, thank you all for coming by our Debut Stage today, but we gotta head back to BigHit to handle some new scheduling,” Ju Rin’s waving her hands, telling the girls to pack up and for TXT to help. 

Walking past Sunmi, Chungha and other idols while you make your way out of the building felt so strange and alien, you almost couldn’t believe you were at the end of your first promotion. You were an idol now, and there was no going back. Everything you did, every move you made - would be under public scruntiny now, regardless of the reason, whether you liked it or not. 

“Thank you!” The bodyguard nods at you as he shuts the door. Sat in the middle with Ju Rin to your right, and the three younger in the back, you can smell the odd mixture of perfume and that strange scent of new costumes and clothes. BigHit - no, HYBE - had invested so much into your costumes though they looked nothing like the price they cost. 

Then again, half of you were wearing YSL pullovers and Dior jeans.

“You okay?” 

“Hmm?” Turning your head as it leans against the headrest, your eyes meet Ju Rin’s. “Yeah, you? I’m surprised you haven’t cried yet.”

Ju Rin laughs under her breath, glancing out the window as the car starts. “Oh, believe me, I’ve cried. I just don’t do it infront of you guys.”

“Aw,” The sides of your lips curl downwards. There’s a pinch in your heart you can’t take, only because Ju Rin has to keep up such a strong facade for you and for the rest of her members. She’s responsible, and time and time again she reminds you why she was chosen to be leader. “You know you can cry infront of us. You don’t have to act or put up a strong front.”

“I know, but I wouldn’t be able to see you guys crying tears of... happiness if my vision is blurred out by my own, right?”

You can’t contain the scoff that runs out your throat, eyes darting to look at the city outside, now coated with the drizzle that’s blurring the city sights. 

“Fucking full of shit,” You chuckle under your breath, unable to hide the smile that’s stretching across your face.

Ju Rin snickers and purses her lips, reaching her left hand out to you. Her hand is warm and soft (from all the moisturizer products she’s using - HYBE’s trying to get her some make-up CF already), but the smile on her face is more home than anything will ever be. 

Time to count the number of days before the world is made your home. Tours, meeting new people, inspiring others with your love for performance and dance, the same way you were inspired into chasing a dream that you didn’t even think you had a chance of achieving. Some might say it’s unfair, how the chance fell unto your feet all so easily, like it had been planned. It’s unfair that of all the crew members to be scouted, you were the only one. 

But that wasn’t your dream. At that point of time in your life, all you wanted was to fulfil your need to be perfect in dancing; to be by Minho’s side. So, in some way, fate had pulled you away from him instead. 

He didn’t tell anybody he auditioned for Cube. He didn’t tell anybody he’d auditioned for JYP before that either, only for JYP to call him back to be part of that cursed show.

And before you knew it, you had lost the one thing you didn’t want to lose: Minho. It was heartbreaking, watching him live his life of a dream that he’d been chasing without you knowing in the first place. You couldn’t decide if you were angry with him for leaving you out of his happiness or if you had simply convinced yourself he had forgotten about you. 

But you caught yourself tripping over your own feelings of hurt and love when you realise you started searching for some bit of Minho in someone else, and you were lucky it was Yeonjun. Yeonjun who had a pure heart and nothing but kindness. 

The things that could’ve happened had you searched for a part of Minho in someone else who might’ve taken you for granted. 

Minho made up for that heartbreak though, when Hyunjin had told him you were alone with Yeonjun, walking to some desolate part of the building but only spotted Yeonjun coming back alone. Minho, who at that point of time already known you a good three (or was it four?) years, knew you well enough to know that you were somewhere sobbing your eyes out. 

His scent when he had his arms around you was stuck in your nostrils for days and weeks because that was just how long he had spent being away from you. You didn’t even know how much you missed his scent until it was in your system again. 

The risk you both had chosen to take that fateful day when the scandal of you and Yeonjun was released was of astounding magnitude. 

Who the Hell confesses their love to another celebrity, so close to their own debut date?

“You,” Minho trills, almost crumpling the Uno cards on the table. The tears in the corners of your eyes are threatening to dribble over your lids, but then Changbin is sitting behind you on the sofa, trying his best to hide his laughter through his gritted teeth. “We’ll see if the two of you can still laugh after this.”

Minho picks up twelve cards with a disproportionate amount of strength, the cards nearly being folded under his fingers. 

“Yah- hyung!” Changbin yells and points at the cards, glaring at the elder.

“What? You complain about me damaging the cards as if you can’t afford a new deck yourself.”

“This is our fifth deck!” Changbin nearly screeches, and the exchange forces you to fall to your back at Changbin’s feet, your arm clutching your tummy from how much it hurt from your laughter. 

“Oh my God!” The words are struggling to leave your voice box, between silent giggles. “This- this is your- oh, my God- this is your fifth deck?” 

“We’ll need a sixth deck soon! Can you tell your man to be a little less aggressive?!” Changbin loses his patience and gets up, hands sweeping the cards off the table and plucking Minho’s set out from his hands. 

“Yah!”

“‘Yah’,” Changbin’s distorted imitation of Minho calls for the elder to surge to his feet, suddenly towering over Changbin who cowers on the couch behind you. “Ah- Ah- OkAy, take your stupid cards back-” 

“I’ll get you a new deck if I destroy this one, but first I gotta destroy you.”

The finger in your face goes unnoticed when you laugh again, stomach hurting from the aggressive giggling. 

“My God, she’s lost it!” Minho sings sarcastically, holding his hands to his head with the cards still in his palm. “No, quick, Earth to y/n, come back so I can win!”

“Eugh,” Changbin groans and squints his eyes. Minho never says these kind of things, so when he does, it’s weird, and unlike of him to do so, making it ultra-

“CriNGe!!!!!” Hyunjin yells at the top of his voice as he exits his room and heads for the kitchen. “Just get a room already!”

“HYUNJIN!” Chan’s voice booms from elsewhere in the apartment. 

[skylarmoon71]

TMNT 2014/2016 Raphael x Reader-(Short Story) Chapter 2

"You should have just let me take him, he was right there! "

"Come on Raph, we're just supposed to help not make it worse. Besides, we stopped the train. They won't be bringing in any more weapons." Raph grumbled, sheathing both his blades. Apparently they were discussing what took place in their most recent case. Raph lived to defy Leo, it wasn't anything new.

"Whatever, next time I'm going out on my own." he shoved Leo as he brushed passed. Leo grabbed his shoulder, halting him. 

"You're not going out on your own, we do this together Raph!" You really hated it whenever they fought. Despite that, you never said anything when it got like this. Even Mikey and Donnie knew better. Raph pushed Leo back roughly, and the blue bandana turtle hit a shelf close by. Lucky for him he had his shell to take the brunt of the hit. Unlucky for you, you didn't. You were on the other side of the cupboard, and when it started to fall you panicked.

Raph saw it falling, yelling out for you. You braced your hands, closing your eyes. You heard a few items clattering to the floor at the sides of you, but when you realized you were unharmed you looked up. Donnie had his arms spread, holding up the cupboard. He lifted it in the other direction, bracing it back against its previous spot. "Are you alright?" Leo was at your side in an instant, and you sighed relieved. You smiled at Donnie who was already checking your body for injuries.

"T-Thank you Donnie you might have just saved my life." He gave a sheepish smile rubbing his neck.

"I-It was nothing. "

Now that the danger was over, Leo glared at his brother. He stomped in his direction enraged. "What the hell are you doing! You could have really hurt (Y/N)!" You stepped over placing a hand on Leo's arm to calm him down.

"I-It's fine Leo. I-It was an accident. H-He didn't mean to." Raph would never intentionally harm you.

"Yeah Leo, listen to your girlfriend. " That made you a little annoyed. Because he was already angry, you just let it slide. Leo was still sizing Raph up, and you knew you wouldn't be able to handle it if they got into another fist fight because of you. Leo glanced down at the unease in your eyes. Reluctantly, his shoulders slumped. He stepped down, and Raph just wore an arrogant smirk.

"Just like you to fold. Sometimes I wonder why you're the leader." Leo didn't reply, taking your hand and guiding you out the room. You wanted to stay there and try to get both brothers to work out the problem, but you didn't have it in you to pull away from Leo's hold, especially since he looked so worried when he thought you would get buried under the cupboard. So as he pulled you along, you sent a longing look in Raph's direction. He looked up at the last second, right before you went around the corner. That split second, you could have sworn you saw a hint of hurt in his eyes.

~~~

"Are they still fighting?" you were chatting with Donnie on your cell phone. It was pretty late, and you knew you wouldn't be able to sneak out, so you were in your room, laying down on your bed.

"Yeah, don't worry too much. Master Splinter will make sure they don't go at each other's throats." you smiled.

"That's good to hear. Well I'll check in tomorrow. Spring break is about to begin so I'll get to spend more time with you guys."

"That's-"

"Hey is that (Y/N)? Dude what's up!!" you laugh hearing Mikey in the background.

"Hey Mikey, I was just telling Donnie about the upcoming break. We may finally get to settle that score in Call of Duty."

"I'm so gonna kick your butt!" You couldn't wait.

"I'll be looking forward to it." you spoke. After giving your goodbyes, you hung up the phone, flopping back on the mattress. Somehow you'd become a little better at interacting. Before meeting the turtles you pretty much avoid interacting with people.

For good reason to. But with them, it was never a challenge. Leo was like an older brother. Mikey the goofy childish younger brother. Donnie was like a middle child. Smart, techy and a little bit of a dork. Raph was obviously the rebel. Even with all their differences, it was weird that you found comfort trusting them rather than your own species.

Maybe it was because the turtles lived by a code. They were natural born protectors, saviors. At heart, their main purpose in life was helping. And they did. They helped you, not just physically. But also mentally, emotionally. If you could offer them the world, you would do it without a second thought.

You flinched when you heard a small knock on the glass on your window. You looked over at the curtains. Maybe it was a bat? You stepped out of bed, moving to check the glass. When you shifted the curtain, you were shocked at who was hanging unto your window sill.

"R-Raph!" you slapped your hand against your mouth, because that came out much louder than intended. Opening the window, you ushered him inside quickly. As soon as you did it you ran over, turning the latch on your door.

He was lucky your room was located in the back of the house, covered by trees in your yard. It would be pretty awkward if you had to explain him to your neighbors.

Now that you were no longer in autopilot, you stood by the door. Raph was still by your window. He rolled his shoulders after climbing through the small space. And now he was just standing there, clearly unsure of what to do, or say.

"This is awkward.." you had absolutely no idea why he came, and the fact that neither of you had ever had an actual conversation alone didn't help your nerves.

"This is stupid." He groused. You kept playing with your fingers. "W-Why are you....is something wrong back home with Leo?" at the mention of his brother's name his face turned sour. "It's always about him isn't it. Leo. I came all the way here to apologize to you and that's all you have to say!"

Unconsciously you took a step back. You never did like it when he yelled. Especially since this was the first time it was directed at you. Not just that, but yelling right now wasn't the best thing since your parents were only a couple doors down. He must have realized, because he turned his head. "Forget about it. I don't even know why I came." You could feel him fuming from all the way over there. And as much as you wanted to say something, you'd already irritated him, you didn't want to say anything to make it worse. Although at this point just about anything would.

"I'm sorry." you whispered. Raph stopped in his spot, looking over his shoulder.

"I-I know I barely ever talk to you. And I always make things awkward when it's us two. I don't mean too. A-And I didn't mean to get you in trouble with Leo the other day. I-It's my fault that you guys are fighting right now." In a way it was.

Raph sighed defeatedly. He came to apologize, and instead he scared you into doing what he should have done the moment he stepped in, instead of picking a fight.

"You didn't do anything wrong. I'm the one that always messes everything up."

"That's not true." When you said that he turned to you fully. You burrowed your hands behind your back, finally feeling a little confident now that he wasn't as pissed.

"You do have a bad temper, and you suck at taking orders, but you don't mess things up." Where those words came from, you had no clue. But you were liking your sudden boldness.

"Your brothers depend on you. You guys have each other, no matter how much you think you mess up, they'll always be there for you. You just need to be better at working through your issues rather than just walking away from them."

Raph was just standing there listening, he seemed to be actually taking in you words. When he sent you a small grin your cheeks darkened.

"Here I thought you were just a little shrimp. You're a lot braver than you look. " you giggled softly. "I mean, compared to you guys I really am." you joked. Raph was smiling at you, actually smiling. He looked so damn sexy when he smiled. "No! Stop it stupid brain! I'm actually having a conversation with him, don't' ruin it!" Right now really wasn't the best time to fall for his charms.

"Thanks (Y/N)." He was thanking you. Could your night get any better.

"(Y/N) sweety are you alright?" you stiffened, and Raph looked side to side panicking.

"Aw shit!" he mouthed. You shook your hands advising him not to make a sound or move.

" I thought I heard yelling."

"I-I'm fine Mom. It was j-just a nightmare. I didn't want to wake you or dad. I-I'm sorry."

"Nightmares, do you want to talk about it." you could tell she was offering to stay awake longer to help you.

"I'm really fine mom, I promise. It was nothing. I'm going to go back to sleep. "

"Are you sure? I can make you a cup of tea or something. "

"There's no need. I promise I'm fine. Just go back to sleep." She lingered at the door for a while, before she relented. "Alright, but if you change your mind let me know."

"I will. I love you mom."

"Oh sweetheart I love you too. Try and get some rest okay. "

"Yeah I will." You waited in your spot until you heard her footsteps retreating. When you heard her bedroom door close, you sighed, placing a hand to your chest.

"That was close." you whispered. Raph was smirking at you, and it did weird things to your chest.

"W-What?"

"Nothing." It didn't look like nothing.

 "Come on tell me why you're wearing that smug little woah!" you had planned to march over, but you slipped on something on your floor. Raph was quicker, he caught you almost instantly. You must have stopped breathing for at least a few seconds, because you just stayed there in his arms. Your eyes connected, and that's when you let out a shallow breath. Raph was just as taken as you. He didn't move a muscle, just held you upright. You palm flattened against his chest, eyes never straying from his hypnotic gaze. With him slightly bent, all you had to do was lean up a few inches and you could close that space.

"Raph.." the sound of his name broke the spell. He straightened your body, pulling away. He cleared his throat, taking a couple steps back. "I should get going I need to-" he knocked into your desk behind on his way to leave and you winced at the sound that echoed. Raph froze, listening to make sure he didn't give your mother another reason to come back. When there wasn't any sound he relaxed, moving to your window.

"Be careful." you said gesturing to his head as he almost ran right into the glass. He just gave a force laugh, raising the window glass. You smiled. He was sort of cute like this. All fidgety. He ducked, creeping out the way he came in. "I'll come by tomorrow." you stated.

"Yeah..." he responded, but it didn't sound like he was really listening. He looked distracted.

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow then."

He nodded, inching up the wall.

"Yeah tomorrow." And just like that, he was flipping to the top of your roof. You bent your head, watching as he took off into the night.

You were looking forward to tomorrow, that was for sure.

[jrenvs3000]

The Intelligence of Crows

Nature is full of incredible, sometimes unbelievably exciting things.  

American crows (Corvus brachyrhynchos) are amongst some of the most intelligent animals in the world (Baraniuk, 2019).

Crows are very social, living in groups called “murders”. Sometimes these groups can be in the thousands, which must be quite something to experience. Crows are adaptable, playful and often very curious. Crows are also known to be trouble-makers, but I think it makes them resourceful and excellent problem solvers! These beautiful birds knock over garbage bins and scavenge snacks wherever they can, which can make them messy in urban areas, but also allows for their survival in their urban niche (Cornell Lab of Ornithology, n.d). 

Humans have known that crows are incredibly sly for a long time, but in recent years research has shown that perhaps they are even smarter than we initially thought (Baraniuk, 2019)!

New Caledonian crows use branches and sticks to dig out insects and grubs from trees. (Credit: Alamy, BBC Earth 2014)

New Caledonian crows have evolved such that creating and using tools is part of their typical foraging behaviour. This was first seen by researchers at the University of Oxford in 2002 when Betty, a New Caledonian crow, bent a piece of wire to create a hooked tool in order to scoop up some tasty pig heart. At the time, Betty was thought of as an incredibly intelligent crow, but now research has shown that this clever ability is widespread throughout the corvids (Baraniuk, 2019). Though, this is not to negate Betty’s clever abilities! 

Since this incredible feat of Betty’s was witnessed by researchers, the nature of these birds’ cognitive abilities has been studied closely. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbSu2PXOTOc - A crow completing an intricate puzzle in order to get a food reward. 

The video linked above demonstrates a crow nicknamed “007” solving a puzzle with eight distinct steps in order to get a reward of a snack. Though puzzled at first, the smart creature quickly sorts out the steps he needs to take in order to accomplish his task and acquire his treat (BBC Earth, 2014). Watching videos like these, or even watching crows out in nature in urban areas and green spaces, makes me feel a personal connection to them. For me, it leaves me in a state of awe watching birds use their memories, problem solving skills and pure cleverness, to solve a relatively challenging task. I think for me, it makes me feel as though we are so much closer to nature than we feel we are. Crows are brilliant animals, and their playful and mischievous ways make me feel like we have a connection to them that some many not acknowledge. Crows can remember human faces- they remember those that have wronged them and will never forget. Crows are known to swoop down on people that have caused them harm before, along with other members of their murders! They also trust humans that feed them, and will come back to those they trust. 

Is there any animal, or any element of nature, that makes you feel more connected to nature? Crows continue to amaze me more each day. What aspects of nature stir up these feelings in you? 

A quote from the book, “Gifts of the Crow- How Perception, Emotion, and Thought Allow Smart Birds to Behave Like Humans” by John Marzluff and Tony Angell, that struck a chord in me, when referring to infrared camera imaging of crows to determine what part of their bodies were working the hardest.

“And the crows’ heads were lit up like holiday lights. The energy of thought and coordination illuminated a darkening sky like strings of flying light bulbs.” (Marzluff, Angell, 2013).

References:

American Crow IDENTIFICATION, all about Birds, Cornell lab of ornithology. (n.d.). Retrieved March 19, 2021, from https://www.allaboutbirds.org/guide/American_Crow/id

Baraniuk, C. (2019, December 11). Crows could be the Smartest animal other than primates. Retrieved March 19, 2021, from https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20191211-crows-could-be-the-smartest-animal-other-than-primates

BBCEarth. (2014, September 10). Are crows the ultimate problem solvers? | inside the animal mind | bbc earth. Retrieved March 19, 2021, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbSu2PXOTOc

Marzluff, J. M., & Angell, T. (2013). Birdbrains Nevermore. In Gifts of the crow: How perception, emotion, and thought allow smart birds to behave like humans. New York: Atria Paperback.

[derekcchu]

Courteney Cox Cosmetic Surgery

This tale has a pleased ending. It's additionally a cautionary tale regarding the over-use of injectables-- which is why I've gotten several demands to do a Before & After on Courteney Cox. Although the 51-year-old Buddies celebrity and the previous model have remained in the public eye for more than thirty years now, the Daily Mail observed something different regarding her face recently. Something that made her "unrecognizable.". Visit the website about celebrities and find out all about their secrets!

When did things go wrong? Allow's have a look at her appeal evolution throughout the years:

The year 1994

When 'Friends' debuted in 1994, Courteney unexpectedly became super-famous. She was 30 below and showed off a version of the mid-length hairdo she wore in the mid- '90s. I can't believe the obvious base lip liner thing was also happening at that time!

The year 1997

You can see the Spice Lady's influence on Courteney's design here: these chunky wine red highlights make her look like a brunette Ginger Seasoning. I do like the all-natural skin structure, but the precise eyebrows, white eyeshadow, and mocha lipstick are all so outdated currently! Oh, and it looks like also Monica had the Rachel haircut ...

The year 2002

And currently, for a full palette clean! Courteney was 38 here, and also, this appearance is so classic that it's still perfect now, 14 years later on. I love the softer brownish hair on her; it's less severe than the jet black. Her "winter months" coloring is additionally gorgeous against the raspberry lipstick. She has one of the most outstanding clear blue eyes, doesn't she?

The year 2005

I'm not exactly sure what was taking place right here; I can not place my finger on it, yet I probably wouldn't have acknowledged this female as Courteney. Perhaps because this was pre-Botox as well as pre-Restylane? Her brows looked fantastic in 2002, however below, they're back to a slim as well as angular shape.

The year 2009

Eeks! Am I awful if I admit that the very first person this image advised me of was Michael Jackson? Courteney was 45 by now, and also, I assume it's risk-free to claim she had now started on the Botox and filler. But it's not just the over-inflated cheeks and also frozen forehead that are a shock. It's also the return to solid black hair, which can look a bit wig-like against pale skin, particularly when the curls aren't combed out.

The year 2010

Ahhh ... that's much better! In 2010, age 46, she transformed points back about. I incredibly like her design here, from the new pink makeup tones to the dangly jewelry and face-framing hair. Yes, her cheeks still look "done," yet the total ambiance is much fresher.

The year 2011

Whatever interventions Courteney's done right here look just fine, although the reality that her hair is partly covering her cheeks might be aiding her reason. She was 47 at the time, and we can all concur she is S-T-U-N-N-I-N-G. Her hair is impossibly glossy, and also she wears these cool makeup tones better than any individual else.

The year 2012

The following year, she marched with barely-there makeup as well as this incredible air-dried hair structure-- those points alone provide her such a relaxed, youthful look. However, her cheeks look abnormal as well as almost masculinize her face. I'm also astonished at how her brows are much more precise than ever when 2012 was the healthy brow fad's elevation.

The year 2013

Courteney's face softened, preferably by 2013, or maybe we're just checking out the all-natural ebb and flow of injectables (which only last an issue of months before they start to decrease). There is a crease on one side of her nose that might be from Botox impairing the natural muscular tissue motion; it appeared in 2009. I'm still surprised at exactly how exact and bright her eyes are!

The year 2014

And now she began meddling ... lip injections! I do assume she possibly had them before 2014, yet it's most noticeable in this picture. The lips (and the cheeks) just do not fit her face. That claimed, I love the pink lipstick as well as flush.

The year 2015

Below it is ... The Frightening Picture. Unexpectedly, Courteney went all Jocelyn Wildenstein on us! It's means excessive filler in her cheeks and also her lips, as well as perhaps Botox jabs around the mouth as well because she doesn't seem able to grin effectively. Rather than making her look much more vibrant, she seems older and also cat-like. When will medical professionals learn not to do this to people ?!

The year 2016

This is our pleased closing. I'm guessing Courteney was mortified by her last red carpet look, so she took a large step back on the fillers. Right here, her cheeks look more natural than they have given that 2009! If there are additionally Botox and also lip injections, they're soft, not exaggerated. Her skin seems a little bit red, and maybe that's since she's going with skin resurfacing treatments as opposed to the needle-- a choice I sustain!

Conclusion

From my point of view, Courteney is one of the most naturally attractive starlets in Hollywood. Her delicate features and thin lips could not be "on trend" in 2016, yet they're still lovely at any age (a minimum of when she leaves them alone!).

I think the lesson right here is that injectables, done directly, can certainly stall the aging process-- Courteney's 2016 picture at age 51 is a remarkable proof of that. However, place way too much in, and the filler comes to be maturing instead of age-preventive. When you make use of shots to add more quantity to functions than was ever before there, to begin with, it's a recipe for calamity. Courteney is far from the only one to get that prominent puffy feline face ... however, you would certainly believe a celebrity would certainly understand better!

Currently, I recognize some individuals (also doctors) will certainly state these filler mistakes show up that way because the shots are also fresh and haven't had enough time to "settle" yet. I consider that a giant NOPE. To me, it makes no feeling to have to cope with a puffy face for a month or two before you start to look normal. Better to get much less filler put in and also go back for upkeep more frequently. Do you agree?

[brandoncarlo]

Hockey Horoscopes

March 21st - April 19th - The Captain 

at the end of the day The Captain only has one job that’s written down -- talking to the ref. Don’t like a penalty? Don’t like a missed penalty? don’t agree with a no goal call? well you literally can’t change their mind because it’s almost against the rules for the refs to do so, but you get to be the one to yell at them about it anyway. Are you actually a good leader? maybe. but it doesn’t matter. for you it’s about yelling. and making sure the rookies have their names written on their lunchboxes. 

April 20th - May 20th - The Selke Winner

A player who wins the Selke will always be underrated. They could win the Hart and they’d still be underrated. Why? Because they fucking score and play defense? literally no other type of player does this. Is being relied on like this stressful as hell? sure but someone’s gotta do it. In some ways you enjoy it. Yeah it kind of sucks but at least if you’re doing it, you can try not to fuck up. No one else is trustworthy enough.

May 21 - June 20 - Trade Bait

A lot of the time the team doesn’t even want to trade you they just really want a first round pick and your name gets stapled to whatever package is being sent for it. Which team will you be on next month? who knows but jerseys are really expensive and you pretty much have all of them at this point, that’s just good economics. Someone who is trade bait has inherent value that’s proven over and over again but this can end up making you feel more like a possession than a person and you constantly struggle with your identity and your concept of personhood because of it.

June 21 - July 22 - The Bro

Summers are for fishing, golfing, dogs, and posting shirtless pics to instagram. Can real life have homo erotic subtext? ask the picture you posted at 5 am this morning of you messily hanging over another player on someone’s boat. Some think you don’t take your work seriously but of course you do because how else would you buy all your snapbacks? They’re not cheap these days. Do you bank on people finding your personality overexaggerated and a little fake as a way to keep them from knowing and therefore judging the real you? Probably. but hey, you’ve only been traded twice for off ice conduct and you haven’t had a scandal in three months. you’re doing fine. 

July 23rd - August 22 - Good Ol’ Canadian Boy

Remember that time you yelled at an old lady in the grocery store? Doesn’t matter cause literally no body else does. You’re good boy image has done that for you. All you gotta do is say the same three things in every interview and all the 40-80 year olds who watch hockey will love you and at the end of the day, that’s 90% of people who watch hockey so you’re good. Does your lack of individuality and the constant pressure for you to be The Savior wear on you and cause you to make impulsive and stupid decisions? Oh for sure, but no one will hold it against you. or maybe they will. Your life is kind of just like an exciting game of reputation roulette. 

August 23rd - September 22nd - 4th Line Enforcer

No one has to ask you to bloody your knuckles for your team, you’ll do it any day of the week. Your teammates all love you, they fetch your food and drinks for you. They clean up your locker for you and your goalie even lets you score during practice. You just can’t shake the feeling though that people do nice things for you as part of a transaction where you pay them back by beating the shit out of any guy that takes a run at them. You protecting those you’re closets with is of utmost importance, and you know they appreciate it. But you also know at the end of the day loyalty can only go so far and when it comes time for your GM to trim the fat off the salary cap, you’re first to go. but hey, during your first game back that rookie you took under your wing who’s now a full grown man will make eye contact with you, and for a split second you’ll remember why all of this was all worth it. 

September 23rd - October 22nd - The Lone American

Maybe you’re patriotic or maybe you couldn’t give a shit but the truth remains that you are alone on a team in the middle of Alberta with 99% canadians. Your only confidant is your finnish d partner and the video review coach’s assistant, Jeremy, who just graduated from UMich and even he  says “about” funny. Because of this you take every opportunity to repeat the miracle monologue and you insist on stopping at every dunkin donuts you come within a 50 mile radius from. You’re not used to being the odd man out but now that you are, you find that you are almost regretfully being proud of something you previously didn’t connect with. Did you know all the lyrics to the anthem before? nope but now you do if only to sing along loudly enough to piss off everyone else on the team plane wondering why you’re standing in the aisle with your hand over your heart. You may need to stop defining yourself by the things that make you different from others, before you sever the bonds completely. Until then, do you believe in Miracles? YES!

October 23rd - November 21st - The Rat

The Commish has you on speed dial and your coach made a soundboard so they didn’t lose their voice yelling at you all game. You spend your free time studying the greats, the founding fathers of trash talk. Being the one everyone loves to hate has become so much your identity that you may forget every now and then that you’re not just an entertainer, you’re a person. In between making cooing noises at opponents and criticizing hair cuts of your teammates try to say one genuine thing. Just at all. Before you lose yourself entirely in the persona.

November 22nd - December 21st - Second Line Centre

Sure people usually follow up your name by saying “...makes how much?” but you’re worth it goddamnit. Not everyone lead the league in playoff goals in the 2014 season even though your team didn’t win that year RIP. Despite doing your best at every turn you never can seem to really please anyone. You’re stuck in the shadow of someone you consider a life long friend and have to constantly surround yourself with good people and good words to not grow to resent your space. Those who like you, like you for your easiness and your work ethic. But remember, there’s nothing wrong with an over celebration and patting yourself on the back every now and then.

December 22nd - January 19th - The Vet

Welcome to the big leagues kid, work hard and you may find a home here... is what you usually say to others when they enter your locker room. You care and you take things seriously because that’s just the right thing to do. But you also can realize the importance of real life over a game you play for money. Your head is on your shoulders and you have a life time experience under your belt and you aren’t even 50 yet. So that’s pretty cool. But as one chapter ends and another begins, don’t forget what excitement and exhilaration feel like.

January 20th - February 18th - The University Graduate

Sure a lot of your teammates went to school, the american ones mostly, but almost none of them actually got their degree. Why should they? they’re making bank. Unfortunately for them but mostly you, they’re all fucking dumb jock meatheads and make fun of you for reading. You only got your Bachelor’s with a straight B average, but these guys make you feel like you got your PhD when you were 17. “You went to Harvard?” They ask in awe, as if you didn’t get in solely on your athletics scholarship. Try not to let your own academic success get to your head though, Kindness and compassion are a lot more valuable in the long run and you’d be surprised by what dumbass jocks have to say. or probably not. but i’m trying to make a point about how academia does not equal = intelligence. to again make another point about how when we’re surrounded by people with different values than us we may begin to feel superior when really we should take the opportunity to learn from them as much as they learn from us. this is all fun and games folks.

February 19th - March 20th - Almost Joined a Punk Band

None of your tattoos are lions or include your own last name/family crest, you’re too original for that. As a kid you used to dream of being on a stage more than you dreamed of raising the stanley cup, but hey in world juniors you scored an OT goal and got to play air guitar as your celly so it’s kind of the same thing. Your parents were iffy about you playing a sport with the same type of kids who would have bullied you in high school but you stand on your own. But you made friends by teaching your teammates how to play the guitar. So sure you’re the odd man out but people like you. and you know what it’s like to be judged, so your open minded attitude draws people to you naturally. Just make sure you don’t trust too much because that open and creative attitude can turn into you being jaded, washed up, and wishing you actually did join a punk band insted.

[efaust-photography]

Oregon Grape Barberry Blossom, Abbey Wood Nature VII　@ Bostall Gardens in Abbey Wood―Greenwich and Bexley, Greater London, UK.　Apple iPad 4th Gen.　March 2014.

[ranger-kellyn]

11 Favorite Excerpts

In honor if it being the 11 year anniversary of the first fic I ever posted, Platinum Bound, I thought I’d list out 10 of my favorite excerpts from everything I’ve posted so far, 1 from something I haven’t posted yet, and then kind of just. Talk about it~

As always, feel free to talk to me about any of my fics, no matter how old or new~ I’m very vain~<3

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1 - Come With Me - Prologue - 03/02/2015 - Completed

A day that was supposed to be filled with sorrow and mourning had turned out to be very lovely. The cold that had long persisted since November had decided to lighten its icy grip on this one day in particular. It was almost a tragedy in itself that the weather failed to match the mood by pouring a relentless downpour. Rain was fit for a funeral. Not sunshine.

The opening to Come With Me has always had a special place in my heart, and while I know my writing has gotten better since then, I always hold up this opening as like...my premium brand, I suppose.  I love the mood the prologue sets up for Siebold’s side of the story.  Mismatched weather.  His parents having the same death date.  A sense of odd relationship dynamics with them.  Clear indication that there’s going to be a lot of conflict with Jean as shown by Diantha, Siebold’d childhood friend, who has a clear disdain towards him.  CWM may not be my BEST WORK, but it’s probably one of my favorites.  ALSO....come on...the restaurant’s name is Apple of The Earth, which is a direct translation of pomme de terre, which is French for potato.  And like???? i just get a little kick out of it every time

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2 - It Takes Two - 12/16/2014 - Oneshot

Siebold chuckled.  “A water dark type?  My, my.  You’ve already put yourself at a disadvantage. Cress shook his head.  “Don’t give away your secret ingredient just yet, Siebold.  Leave something to the imagination, please,” he teased.

If there is ONE THING I LOVE it’s writing flirty banter for these two, and this fic if full of it.  My first fic for Cress/Siebold, staking my claim on the pool noodle that is this ship.  I AM the captain of this pool noodle

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3 - Second Chances - Chapter 7 - 06/14/2017 - Ongoing

“It was supposed to be me!” . . . Shaking, she stopped herself in the front hallway.  Looking over the large, glass-famed map, she felt as though she was leaving her own body as she slammed herself against it in a last ditch effort to feel something other than emotional pain.  In an effort to put a physical wound to her emotional one. 

There’s plenty of happier lines from this fic I could choose.  Ch 10 had a section I was considering instead, but I think this emotionally charged section has always stood out for me. I like to generally characterize Cynthia as someone who is in control of her emotions, or at the very least, is very good at compartmentalizing things, but here, she absolutely loses it.  No rationality.  No seeking help.  Just raw pain.  It was supposed to be me. Because it was!  It absolutely was!  In the previous chapter you learn that Diantha had fully intended to propose to her!  But was instead manipulated by her mother and manager into leaving Cynthia.  While Cynthia didn’t know that, we do, and that makes that line so much more painful to me.  I swear.  ONE DAY.  I’ll actually finish this fic.

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4 - Fortune and Fame - Chapter 1 - 03/23/2016 - Completed

“The best part of that outfit would be taking it off.” Her mouth turns into a smile. “I should think so,” she tells you.

Second person POV is a HUGE pain in the ass, but I still love this silly little fic, and I love this silly little moment EVEN MORE.  What can I say.  I love flirty banter. This whole fic was an absolute experiment, and while it certainly could be better, considering 2POV is not something I regularly work with, I’ve never been too upset with it.

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5 - Stockholm - Chapter 4 - 06/20/2016 - Ongoing

“You’re my mission and my mission alone.  I don’t need outside help,” he tells me. I catch myself about to laugh.  “Figured you would welcome it seeing as whatever you think you’re doing to me clearly isn’t working.” He moves closer, enough for me to feel the warmth of his body, but it’s only when I think he’s looking at my lips do I come to my senses, pulling my legs up to my person, and pushing back up against the wall. “I would say it’s working just fine.”

i like to think of this fic as me playing in a sandbox.  i don’t REALLY know what i’m doing, but i’m having fun, and that’s all that matters. This is a fic I had been thinking about for the longest time.  I abandoned it back in 2016.  I don’t really remember why, but I posted the first update early this year, and I just.  I’ve been loving it since.  I haven’t played in first person in SUCH a long time, it’s just nice to play in the space, and explore a darker emotion I guess.  Game verse Commander Saturn/Dawn is always a weakness of mine

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6 - Shadows of My Heart - Chapter 4 - 02/22/2011 - Completed

Looking at Kellyn, I notice that he has taken his jacket off and is now offering it to me. Shaking my head, I tell him that I can't take it, even though I would love nothing more than to take him up on his offer. He walks closer, smiling as he places his jacket over me. Now, the only thing I hear is the sound of the rain bouncing off of Kellyn's jacket, and the sound my own heartbeat. I'd have to be crazy or dead to not be blushing right now, and obviously my pulse is still going…

if you’ve followed me for a few years, you might think this is a weird pick for me.  i complain about it a lot.  i experience a lot of visceral cringe whenever i reread it (Like i did just now searching for a section i liked) But that’s why I like it.  I love having this visible benchmark of where I’ve come from, and where my ideals have shifted to.  I’ve always written Kellyn as my Ideal Man™© and in this fic he is suCH A “NICE GUY” AND IT’S JUST. SO BAD. I’M SO GLAD I’M NOT WITH THE KIND OF PERSON I USED TO WISH I WAS WITH. This fic is, at best, clumsy.  Younger me was venting a LOT of stuff. Everything I put Rhythmi through in the fic, I was dealing with irl, and NOT handling them well.  I never recommend this for reading, but I list it here because it’s like looking in a time capsule.  

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7 - Washington Blues - Chapter 2 - 04/30/2012 - Abandoned Work

Looking back up at me, the afternoon sun shines on her face.  As if I needed to be reminded that she is very pretty.  “I believe that it is too soon to be giving a definite answer, but,” she pauses to brush some hair behind her ear, “I do believe I am going to like it here.” I nod, liking the answer she has provided.  I put my pink bag over my shoulder, and step down the stairs.  “That’s good to hear.  I do hope you come to love our little band,” I say, putting a little emphasis on “our”.  Hopefully she will start using that term as well.

This fic has been abandoned since 2012, but as I was rereading it just now, I...felt a weird urge to give it a second chance?  Marching band was my EVERYTHING in high school.  It was basically my personality.  It and Homestuck.  If nothing else, I think I might give this fic a redo, because it’s something my younger self would have loved.  I had so many ideas I wanted to explore and I think it would be a fun space to explore. Just reading it I got the most tactile memories of band camp, from the sounds, all the way down to the god awful smells.  One day I’ll give this fic another go, but probably in 3rd person lmao.  Also, it’s kind of funny.  I remember holding this fic up as like.  My Magnum Opus.  I considered chapter 1 to be the BEST thing I had written up to that point. Now? It’s so fucking D RY......and no real person talks like they all do l m a o I love being able to see how far I’ve come. 

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8 - Hindsight - Sometime Feb 2014?  - Oneshot for an old RP group

This question led him to placing both of his hands in his lap.  “I would never describe her as winter.  It’s the season she hates the most.  From what I’ve gathered during our travels together, understandably so,” he answered, not meeting her eyes. 

While this fic is OLD it holds a very special place in my heart.  I had stopped writing for a while.  For about 2 years nothing I wrote ever really panned out, and joining that RP group was literally the best thing I could have done for my creativity.  It was so much fun, and I met some truly incredible people thanks to it.  Literally, everything I’ve written since I attribute to that group.  <3 I may not talk to most of them anymore, but I have some of the best memories of that time, and I just.  Genuinely don’t think I would have HALF of what I have written now if it hadn’t been for their support.  <3

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9 - Ours For The Taking - Chapter 2 - 01/28/2012 - Abandoned Work

Killing is in the nature of almost every Pokémon, but we humans have inhibited that out for the most part. It doesn't take much to trigger the instinct though. A couple kills and then they thirst for blood.

Now i know this looks like a WACK ASS PICK.  It’s been abandoned since 2012.  It’s bad.  It’s gore.  It’s bad.  But that’s exactly why I picked it.  That, and I know it would chap Farla’s ass bc she told me years ago how awful this fic was. The whole reason my writing confidence took a blow.  I can look back and know that this fic wasn’t great, but I hate for my younger self that they were knocked down like that.  You can’t learn the boundaries of your writing until you try to push them.  Maybe I could have turned into a great gore/horror writer if I hadn’t been knocked down?  Who knows?  But because of that negative experience, I now approach all comments I leave on fics with “unconditional positive regard”.  I firmly believe if someone wants con-crit they’ll ask for it, and even then, I’m not someone who is going to offer up that criticism.  That’s not my jam.  I’m just here for a good time.  This fic may be bad, but that’s why I love it.  I love how over the top, 2Edgy4me the two chapters are. 

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10 - Getaway Car - Chapter 5 - 01/01/2019 - Ongoing

Pulling away just enough to make them look at one another, Cynthia looked her over.  She was getting more drunk admissions than she ever thought she would, and she was in no frame of mind to worry about pushing her luck.  “How did that make you feel?” she asked. She let her hand trail down her arm as she spoke.  “Grounded.  Like nothing else in the world mattered except us in that moment.  I wasn’t worried about filming, deadlines, what people might say or think, or– anything, really.  All that mattered was the calm you brought me, and how without meaning to you’ve made me feel like the most important person in the room.”

It’s no secret that Getaway Car is like.  MY BABY.  This is MY FIC.  MY BABY.  I CHERISH THIS FIC FOR SO MANY REASONS. I like venting through characters, and this fic is no exception.  But I loved writing this moment specifically, because it just...I think it encapsulates everything Diantha has been looking for.  She lives a charmed, chaotic life.  Up to that point in the fic, she’s with a man who can’t really be bothered to give her the time of day, but also can’t handle the idea of letting her go.  Without meaning to, without necessarily trying to, Cynthia makes her feel like the most important person in the room.  She grounds her, and someone who lives a star-studded life needs that.  This fic is my baby.  My everything.  It’s probably what I’m known for at this point, and I’m A-OK with that because these two are my everything.  (ALSO, I specifically posted this fic when I did to get Farla to leave me a review, and had a good laugh about it when she did.  My “bat shit crazy” plot device has ended up being my most popular fic~)

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11 - Namtaflu - Chapter _ - Draft from NaNoWriMo 2019

The sound of something rising to the surface of the water attracted everyone’s attention.  Turning their eyes towards the water, one by one, countless Starmie and Staryu began to surface, floating atop the water, their bright gem center’s shining in the moonlight.  “Oh, wow,” Bianca said, holding the Audino closer to herself.  "What are they doing?” Hilbert asked, turning himself so he wasn’t having to strain to look at them.  Cheren shrugged.  “They’ve always done this.” "They’re looking at the stars,” Hilda added.  “It’s what Nona would always tell me.  She said she read it in a book somewhere.  They surface at night to look at the stars, and they’ll even start blinking here soon.”  As she said it, from out in the distance, quick flashes of red began to move along the waves, reminding both her and Cheren of fireflies from further south.  Soon enough, the entire shoreline was filled with the water pokémon blinking away at the stars, almost as if they were communicating with each other, or even something else.  A few Audino continued to sit with them, everyone moved to silence by the display, afraid to make a single noise, not wanting to scare them at all and make them stop.  The display moved in waves, like a heartbeat, ebbing and flowing.  At times they were bright enough to cast a glow onto the shore, and at others it seemed like they had collectively stopped for the night. Once Broadway and Manhattan had decided to retire for the night, the group came to an agreement that it was time they retired for the night as well.  They had stayed up long past sundown, but it had been worth every second.   

I won’t be posting this fic WELL until my three current ongoing fics are completed, but this fic is pretty much everything to me.  I first got the idea for this fic back in 2013, my senior year of high school.  I wrote the first draft my first NaNoWriMo in 2014, and did a second draft of it last year.  This fic has evolved SO MUCH, but this last draft is where I’m REALLY happy with it.  I firmly believe there’s never a “right time” to write a fic, but I also believe this fic absolutely benefited from me not posting it after that first draft.  They’re almost two entirely different stories.  The original had a lot of unhealthy relationship dynamics, and this time, i decided, FUCK THAT, and now it’s a hilda/hilbert/cheren/bianca poly fic ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ I can’t wait for the day when I actually get to share this fic with the world. 

[dustedmagazine]

Dusted’s Decade Picks

Heron Oblivion, still the closest thing to a Dusted consensus pick

Just as, in spring, the young's fancy turns to thoughts of love, at the end of the decade the thoughts of critics and fans naturally tend towards reflection. Sure, time is an arbitrary human division of reality, but it seems to be working out okay for us so far. We're too humble a bunch to offer some sort of itemized list of The Best Of or anything like that, though; a decade is hard enough to wrap your head around when it's just your life, let alone all the music produced during said time. Instead these decade picks are our jumping off points to consider our decades, whether in personal terms, or aesthetic ones, or any other. The records we reflect on here are, to be sure, some of our picks for the best of the 2010s (for more, check back this afternoon), but think of what follows less as anything exhaustive and more as our hand-picked tour to what stuck with us over the course of these ten years, and why.

Brian Eno — The Ship (Warp, 2016)

You don’t need to dig deep to see that our rapidly evolving and hyper-consciously inclusive discourse is taking on the fluidity of its surroundings. In 2016, a year of what I’ll gently call transformation, Brian Eno had his finger on multiple pulses; The Ship resulted. It’s anchored in steady modality, and its melody, once introduced, doesn’t change, but everything else ebbs and flows with the Protean certainty of uncertainty. While the album moves from the watery ambiguities of the title track, through the emotional and textural extremes of “Fickle Sun” toward the gorgeously orchestrated version of “I’m Set Free,” implying some kind of final redemption, the moment-to-moment motion remains wonderfully non-binary. Images of war and of the instants producing its ravaging effects mirror and counterbalance the calmly and increasingly gender-fluid voice as it concludes the titular piece by depicting “wave after wave after wave.” Is it all Salman Rushdie’s numbers marching again? The lyrics embody the movement from “undescribed” through “undefined” and “unrefined’” connoting a journey toward aging, but size, place, chronology and the music encompassing them remain in constant flux, often nearly but never quite recognizable. Genre and sample float in and out of view with the elusive but devastating certainty of tides as the ship travels toward silence, toward that ultimate ambiguity that follows all disillusion, filling the time between cycles. The disconnect between stasis and motion is as disconcerting as these pieces’ relationship to the songform Eno inherited and exploded. The album encapsulates the modernist subtlety and Romantic grace propelling his art and the state of a civilization in the faintly but still glowing borderlands between change and decay.

Marc Medwin

Cate Le Bon — Cyrk (Control Group, 2012)

There's no artist whose work I anticipated more this decade than Cate Le Bon, and no artist who frustrated me more with each release, only to keep reeling me in for the long run. Le Bon's innate talent is for soothing yet oblique folk, soberly psychedelic, which she originally delivered in the Welsh language, and continued into English with rustic reserve.

Except something about her pastoralism seems to bore her, and the four-chord arpeggios are shot through with scorches of noise, or sent haywire with post-punk brittleness. In its present state, her music is built around chattering xylophones and croaking saxophone, even as the lyrics draw deeper into memory and introspection, with ever more haunting payoffs. It's as if Nick Drake shoved his way into the leadership of Pere Ubu. She's taken breaks from music to work on pottery and furniture-making, and retreats to locales like a British cottage and Texas art colony to plumb for new inspirations. She's clearly energized by collaboration and relocation, but there’s a force to her persona that, despite her introverted presence, dominates a session. Rare for our age, she's an artist who gets to follow her muse full time, bouncing between record labels and seeing her name spelled out in the medium typefaces on festival bills.

Cyrk, from 2012, is the record where I fell in, and it captures her at something close to joyous, a half smile. Landing between her earliest folk and later surrealism, it is open to comparison with the Velvet Underground. But not the VU that is archetypical to indie rock – Cyrk is more an echo of the solo work that followed. There’s the sharp compositional order and Welsh lilt of John Cale. Like Lou Reed, she makes a grand electric guitar hook out of the words “you’re making it worse.” The homebound twee of Mo Tucker and forbidding atmosphere of Nico are present in equal parts. Those comparisons are reductive, but they demonstrate how Cyrk feels instantly familiar if you’ve garnered certain listening habits. Songs surround you with woolly keyboard and guitar hooks, and one can forget a song ends with an awkward trumpet coda even after dozens of listens. The awkwardness is what keeps the album fresh.

She lulls, then dowses with cold water. So Cyrk isn't an entirely easy record, even if it is frequently a pretty one. The most epic song here, reaching high with those woolly hums and twang, is "Fold the Cloth.” It bobs along, coiling tight as she reaches into the strange register of female falsetto. Le Bon cranks out a fuzz solo – she's great at extending her sung melodies across instruments. Then the climax chants out, "fold the cloth or cut the cloth.” What is so important about this mundane action? Her mystery lyrics never feel haphazard, like LSD posey. They are out of step with pop grandiose. Maybe when her back is turned, there's a full smile.

Who are "Julia" and "Greta,” two mid-album sketches that avoid verse-chorus structure? Julia is represented by a limp waltz, Greta by pulses on keyboards. Shortly after the release, Le Bon followed up with the EP Cyrk II made up of tracks left off the album. To a piece, they’re easier numbers than "Julia" and "Greta.” The cryptic and the scribble are essential to how Cyrk flows, which is to say it flows haltingly.

This approach dampens her acclaim and her potential audience, but that's how she fashions decades-old tropes into fresh art. She’s also quite the band leader. Drummers have a different thud when they play on her stage. Musicians' fills disappear. She brings in a horn solo as often as she lays down a guitar lead. The closer tracks, "Plowing Out Pts 1 & 2," aren't inherently linked numbers. By the second part, the group has worked up to a carnival swirl, frothing like "Sister Ray" yet as sweet as a children's TV show theme. Does that sound sinister? The effect is more like heartbreak fuelling abandon, her forlorn presence informing everyone's playing.

Fuse this album with the excellent Cyrk II tracks, and you can image a deluxe double LP 10th anniversary reissue in a few years. Ha ha no. I expect nothing so garish will happen. It sure wouldn't suit the artist. In a decade where "fan service" became an everyday concept, Le Bon is immune. She's a songwriter who seems like she might walk away from at all without notice, if that’s where her craftsmanship leads. The odd and oddly comfortable chair that is Cyrk doesn't suit any particular decor, but my room would feel bare without it.

Ben Donnelly

Converge — All We Love We Leave Behind (Epitaph)

Here’s the scenario: Heavily tatted guy has some dogs. He really loves his dogs. Heavily tatted guy goes on tour with his band. While he’s on the road, one of his dogs dies. Heavily tatted guy gets really sad. He writes a song about it.  

That should be the set-up for an insufferably maudlin emo record. But instead what you get is Converge’s “All We Love We Leave Behind” and the searing LP that shares the title. The songs dive headlong into the emotional intensities of loss and reflect on the cost of artistic ambition. The enormously talented line-up that recorded All We Love We Leave Behind in 2012 had been playing together for just over a decade, and vocalist Jacob Bannon and guitarist Kurt Ballou had been collaborating for more than twenty years. It shows. The record pummels and roars with remarkable precision, and its songs maniacally twist, and somehow they soar.  

Any number of genre tags have been stuck on (or innovated by) Converge’s music: mathcore, metalcore, post-hardcore. It’s fun to split sonic hairs. But All We Love… is most notable for its exhilarating fury and naked heart, musical qualities that no subgenre can entirely claim. Few bands can couple such carefully crafted artifice with such raw intensity. And few records of the decade can match the compositional wit and palpable passion of All We Love…, which never lets itself slip into shallow romanticism. It hurts. And it ruthlessly rocks.  

Jonathan Shaw

EMA — The Future’s Void (City Slang, 2014)

When trying to narrow down to whatever my own most important records of the decade are, I tried to keep it to one per artist (as I do with individual years, although it’s a lot easier there). Out of everyone, though, EMA came by far the closest to having two records on that list, and this could have been 2017’s Exile in the Outer Ring, which along with The Future’s Void comes terrifyingly close to unpacking an awful lot of what’s going wrong, and has been going wrong, with the world we live in for a while now. The Future’s Void focuses more on the technological end of our particular dystopia, shuddering both emotionally and sonically through the dead end of the Cold War all the way to us refreshing our preferred social media site when somebody dies. EMA is right there with us, too; this isn’t judgment, it’s just reporting from the front line. And it must be said, very few things from this decade ripped like “Cthulu” rips.

Ian Mathers

The Field — Looping State of Mind (Kompakt, 2011)

Looping State of Mind by The Field

On Looping State of Mind, Swedish producer Axel Willner builds his music with seamlessly jointed loops of synths, beats, guitars and voice to create warm cushions of sound that envelop the ears, nod the head and move the body. Willner is a master of texture and atmosphere, in lesser hands this may have produced mere comfort food but there is spice in the details that elevates this record as he accretes iotas of elements, withholding release to heighten anticipation. Although this is essentially deep house built on almost exclusively motorik 4/4 beats, Willner also plays with ambient, post-punk and shoegaze dynamics. From the slow piano dub of “Then It’s White,” which wouldn’t be out of place on a Labradford or Pan American album, to the ecstatic shuffling lope of “Arpeggiated Love” and “Is This Power” with its hint of a truncated Gang of Four-like bass riff, Looping State of Mind is a deeply satisfying smorgasbord of delicacies and a highlight of The Field’s four album output during the 2010s.

Andrew Forell

Gang Gang Dance — “Glass Jar” (4AD, 2011)

Instead of telling you my favorite album of the decade — I made my case for it the first year we moved to Tumblr, help yourself — it feels more fitting to tell you a story from my friend Will about my favorite piece of music from the last 10 years, a song that arrived just before the rise of streaming, which flattened “the album experience” to oppressive uniformity and rendered it an increasingly joyless, rudderless routine of force-fed jams and AI/VC-directed mixes catering to a listener that exists in username only. The first four seconds of “Glass Jar” told you everything you needed to know about what lie ahead, but here’s the kind of thing that could happen before everything was all the time:

I took eight hours of coursework in five weeks in order to get caught up on classes and be in a friend's wedding at the end of June. Finishing a week earlier than the usual summer session meant I had to give my end-of-class presentations and turn in my end-of-class papers in a single day, which in turn meant that I was well into the 60-70 hour range without sleep by the time I got to the airport for an early-morning flight. (Partly my fault for insisting that I needed to stay up and make a “wedding night” mix for the couple — real virgin bride included — and even more my fault for insisting that it be a single, perfectly crossfaded track). I was fuelled only by lingering adrenaline fumes and whatever herbal gunpowder shit I had been mixing with my coffee — piracetam, rhodiola, bacopa or DMAE depending on the combination we had at the time. At any rate, eyes burning, skull heavy, joints stiff with dry rot, I still had my wits enough to refuse the backscatter machine at the TSA checkpoint; instead of the usual begrudging pat-down, I got pulled into a separate room. Anyway, it was a weird psychic setback at that particular time, but nothing came of it. Having arrived at my gate, I popped on the iPod with a brand new set of studio headphones and finally got around to listening to the Gang Gang Dance I had downloaded months before. "Glass Jar," at that moment, was the most religious experience I’d had in four years. I was literally weeping with joy.

Point being: It is worth it to stay up for a few days just to listen to ‘Glass Jar’ the way it was meant to be heard.

Patrick Masterson

Heron Oblivion — Heron Oblivion (Sub Pop, 2016)

Heron Oblivion by Heron Oblivion

Heron Oblivion’s self-titled first album fused unholy guitar racket with a limpid serenity. It was loud and cathartic but also pure beauty, floating drummer Meg Baird’s unearthly vocals over a sound that was as turbulent and majestic as nature itself, now roiled in storm, now glistening with dewy clarity. The band convened four storied guitarists—Baird from Espers, Ethan Miller and Noel Harmonson from Comets on Fire and Charlie Sauffley—then relegated two of them to other instruments (Baird on drums and Miller on bass). The sound drew on the full flared wail and scree of Hendrix and Acid Mothers Temple, the misty romance of Pentangle and Fairport Convention. It was a record out of time and could have happened in any year from about 1963 onward, or it could have not happened at all. We were so glad it did at Dusted; Heron Oblivion’s eponymous was closer to a consensus pick than any record before or since, and if you want to define a decade, how about the careening riffs of “Oriar” breaking for Baird’s dream-like chants?

Jennifer Kelly

The Jacka — What Happened to the World (The Artist, 2014)

Probably the most prophetic rap album of the 2010s. The Jacka was the king of Bay rap since he started MOB movement. He was always generous with his time, and clique albums were pouring out of The Jacka and his disciples every few months. Even some of his own albums resembled at times collective efforts. This generosity made some of the albums unfocused and disjointed, yet what it really shows is that even in the times when dreams of collective living were abandoned The Jacka still had hopes for Utopia and collective struggles. It was about the riches, but he saw the riches in people first and foremost.

This final album before he was gunned down in the early 2014 is full of predictions about what’s going to happen to him. Maybe this explains why it’s focused as never before and even Jacka’s leaned-out voice has doomed overtones. This music is the only possible answer to the question the album’s title poses: everything is wrong with the world where artists are murdered over music.

Ray Garraty

John Maus — We Must Become Pitiless Censors of Ourselves (Upset The Rhythm, 2011)

We Must Become the Pitiless Censors of Ourselves by John Maus

Minnesota polymath John Maus’ quest for the perfect pop song found its apotheosis on his third album We Must Become Pitiless Censors of Ourselves in 2011. On the surface an homage to 1980s synth pop, Maus’ album reveals its depth with repeated listens. Over expertly constructed layers of vintage keyboards, Maus’ oft-stentorian baritone alternately intones and croons deceptively simple couplets that blur the line between sincerity and provocation. Lurking beneath the smooth surface Maus uses Baroque musical tropes that give the record a liturgical atmosphere that reinforces the Gregorian repetition of his lyrics. The tension between the radical ironic banality of the words and the deeply serious nature of the music and voice makes We Must Become Pitiless Censors of Ourselves an oddly compelling collection that interrogates the very notion of taste and serves an apt soundtrack to the post-truth age.

Andrew Forell

Joshua Abrams & Natural Information Society — Mandatory Reality (Eremite, 2019)

Mandatory Reality by Joshua Abrams & Natural Information Society

Any one of the albums that Joshua Abrams has made under the Natural Information Society banner could have made this list. While each has a particular character, they share common essences of sound and spirit. Abrams made his bones playing bass with Nicole Mitchell, Matana Roberts, Mike Reed, Fred Anderson, Chad Taylor, and many others, but in the Society his main instrument is the guimbri, a three-stringed bass lute from Morocco. He uses it to braid melody, groove, and tone into complex strands of sound that feel like they might never end. Mandatory Reality is the album where he delivers on the promise of that sound. Its centerpiece is “Finite,” a forty-minute long performance by an eight-person, all-acoustic version of Natural Information Society. It has become the main and often sole piece that the Society plays. Put the needle down and at first it sounds like you are hearing some ensemble that Don Cherry might have convened negotiating a lost Steve Reich composition. But as the music winds patiently onwards, strings, drums, horns, and harmonium rise in turn to the surface. These aren’t solos in the jazz sense so much as individual invitations for the audience to ease deeper into the sonic entirety. The music doesn’t end when the record does, but keeps manifesting with each performance. Mandatory Reality is a nodal point in an endless stream of sound that courses through the collective unconscious, periodically surfacing in order to engage new listeners and take them to the source.

Bill Meyer

Mansions — Doom Loop (Clifton Motel, 2013)

I knew nothing about Mansions when I first heard about this record; I can’t even remember how I heard about this record. But I liked the name of the album and the album art, so I listened to it. Sometimes the most important records in your decade have as much to do with you as with them. I’d been frantically looking for a job for nearly two years at that point, the severance and my access Ontario’s Employment Insurance program (basically, you pay in every paycheck, and then have ~8 months of support if you’re unemployed) had both ran out. I was living with a friend in Toronto sponsoring my American wife into the country (fun fact: they don’t care if you have an income when you do that), feeling the walls close in a little each day, sure I was going to wind up one of those kids who had to move back to the small town I’d left and a parent’s house. There were multiple days I’d send out 10+ applications and then walk around my neighbourhood blasting “Climbers” and “Out for Blood” through my earbuds, cueing up “La Dentista” again and dreaming of revenge… on what? Capitalism? There was no more proximate target in view. That’s not to say that Doom Loop is necessarily about being poor or about the shit hand my generation (I fit, just barely) got in the job market, or anything like that; but for me it is about the almost literal doom loop of that worst six months, and I still can’t listen to “The Economist” without my blood pressure spiking a little.

Ian Mathers

Protomartyr — Under Colour of Official Right (Hardly Art, 2014)

Under Color of Official Right by Protomartyr

By my count, Protomartyr made not one but four great albums in the 2010s, racking up a string of rhythmically unstoppable, intellectually challenging discs with absolute commitment and intent. I caught whiff of the band in 2012, while helping out with editing the old Dusted. Jon Treneff’s review of All Passion No Technique told a story of exhilarant discovery; I read it and immediately wanted in. The conversion event, though, came two years later, with the stupendous Under Color of Official Right, all Wire-y rampage and Fall-spittled-bile, a rattletrap construction of every sort of punk rock held together by the preening contempt of black-suited Joe Casey. Doug Mosurock reviewed it for us, concluding, “Poppier than expected, but still covered in burrs, and adeptly analyzing the pain and suffering of their city and this year’s edition of the society that judges it, Protomartyr has raised the bar high enough for any bands to follow, so high that most won’t even know it’s there.” Except here’s the thing: Protomartyr jumped that bar two more times this decade, and there’s no reason to believe that they won’t do it again. The industry turned on the kind of bands with four working class dudes who can play a while ago, but this is the band of the 2010s anyway.

Jennifer Kelly

Tau Ceti IV — Satan, You’re the God of This Age, but Your Reign Is Ending (Cold Vomit, 2018)

Satan, You're The God of This Age But Your Reign is Ending by Tau Ceti IV

This decade was full of takes on American primitive guitar. Some were pretty good, a few were great, many were forgettable, and then there was this overlooked gem from Jordan Darby of Uranium Orchard. Satan, You’re the God of This Age, but Your Reign Is Ending is an antidote to bland genre exercises. Like John Fahey, Darby has a distinct voice and style, as well as a sense of humor. Also like Fahey, his playing incorporates diverse influences in subtle but pronounced ways. American primitive itself isn’t a staid template. Though there are also plenty of beautiful, dare I say pastoral moments, which still stand out for being genuinely evocative.

Darby’s background in aggressive electric guitar music partly explains his approach. (Not sure if he’s the only ex-hardcore guy to go in this direction, but there can’t be many.) His playing is heavier than one might expect, but it feels natural, not like he’s just playing metal riffs on an acoustic guitar. But heaviness isn’t the only difference. Like his other projects, Satan is wonderfully off-kilter. This album’s strangeness isn’t reducible to component parts, but here are two representative examples: “The Wind Cries Mary” gradually encroaches on the last track, and throughout, the microphone picks up more string noise than most would consider tasteful. It all works, or at least it’s never boring.

Ethan Milititisky

Z-Ro — The Crown (Rap-a-Lot, 2014)

When singing in rap was outsourced to pop singers and Auto Tune, Z-Ro remained true to his self, singing even more than he ever did. He did his hooks and his verses himself, and no singing could harm his image as a hustler moonlighting as a rapper. He can’t be copied exactly because of his gift, to combine singing soft and rapping hard. It’s a sort of common wisdom that he recorded his best material in the previous decade, yet quite apart from hundreds of artists that continued to capitalize on their fame he re-invented himself all the past decade, making songs that didn’t sound like each other out of the same raw material. The Crown is a tough pick because since his post-prison output he made solid discs one after each other.

Ray Garraty

[blackkudos]

David Oyelowo

David Oyetokunbo Oyelowo ( oh-YEL-ə-woh; born 1 April 1976) is an English actor and producer. His highest-profile role to date was as Martin Luther King Jr. in the 2014 biographical drama film Selma. He also took the lead role in A United Kingdom (2016) as well as playing the role of a chess coach in Queen of Katwe (2016). He has played supporting roles in the films Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011), Lincoln (2012), Jack Reacher (2012), and garnered praise for portraying Louis Gaines in The Butler (2013). On television, he played MI5 officer Danny Hunter on the British drama series Spooks (2002–2004).

Early life

Oyelowo was born in Oxford, Oxfordshire, England, to Nigerian parents. His father is from Oyo State, Western Nigeria while his mother is from Edo State, Southern Nigeria. He was brought up as a Baptist. He grew up in Tooting Bec, south London, until he was six, when his family moved to Lagos, Nigeria, where his father Stephen worked for the national airline and mother for a railway company. David attended a "'military-style' boarding school." They returned to London when Oyelowo was fourteen, settling in Islington.

While enrolled in theatre studies at City and Islington College, his teacher suggested that he become an actor. Oyelowo enrolled for a year in an acting foundation course, at the London Academy of Music and Dramatic Art (LAMDA). He finished his three-year training in 1998. He also spent time with the National Youth Theatre.

Career

Stage

He began his stage career in 1999 when he was offered a season with the Royal Shakespeare Company playing roles in Ben Jonson's Volpone, as the title character in Oroonoko (which he also performed in the BBC radio adaptation) and Shakespeare's Antony and Cleopatra (1999) alongside Guy Henry, Frances de la Tour and Alan Bates. However, he is best known for his next stage performance as King Henry VI in the Royal Shakespeare Company's 2001 productions of Shakespeare's trilogy of plays about the king as a part of its season This England: The Histories. In a major landmark for colour-blind casting, Oyelowo was the first black actor to play an English king in a major production of Shakespeare, and although this casting choice was initially criticised by some in the media, Oyelowo's performance was critically acclaimed and later won the 2001 Ian Charleson Award for best performance by an actor under 30 in a classical play.

In 2005, he appeared in a production of Prometheus Bound, which was revived in New York City in 2007. In 2006, he made his directorial debut on a production of The White Devil, produced by Inservice, his theatre company in Brighton which is co-run with fellow Brighton-based actors Priyanga Burford, Israel Aduramo, Penelope Cobbuld, and his wife, Jessica. He played the title role in Othello in 2016 at the New York Theatre Workshop with Daniel Craig as Iago, directed by Sam Gold.

Television

Oyelowo is best known for playing MI5 officer Danny Hunter on the British drama series Spooks (known in North America as MI-5) from 2002 to 2004. He had before that appeared in Tomorrow La Scala (2002), Maisie Raine (1998) and Brothers and Sisters (1998). Soon after the end of his time on Spooks Oyelowo made a cameo appearance in the Christmas special of As Time Goes By (2005). In 2006, he appeared in the television film Born Equal alongside Nikki Amuka-Bird as a couple fleeing persecution in Nigeria – they also both appeared in Shoot the Messenger (2006), and in The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency (2008) as a husband and wife. Other cameos have included Mayo (guest-starring on 30 April 2006) and the television film Sweet Nothing in My Ear (2008, as defence attorney Leonard Grisham), while he has played recurring or main characters on Five Days (2007) and The Passion (2008, as Joseph of Arimathea).

In December 2009, he played the leading role of Gilbert in the BBC TV adaptation of Andrea Levy's novel Small Island. In March 2010, he played the role of Keme Tobodo in the BBC's drama series Blood and Oil.

He starred in the HBO original film Nightingale (2014).

Voice acting

He appeared as Olaudah Equiano in Grace Unshackled – The Olaudah Equiano Story, a radio play adapting Equiano's autobiography, The Interesting Narrative of the Life of Olaudah Equiano. This was first broadcast on BBC 7 on 8 April 2007, with his wife Jessica Oyelowo as Mrs. Equiano.

In 2007, Oyelowo was the reader for John le Carré's The Mission Song. AudioFile magazine stated: "Think of David Oyelowo as a single musician playing all the instruments in a symphony. That is essentially what he manages in this inspired performance of John le Carré's suspense novel.... Can it really have been only one man in the narrator's recording booth? This virtuoso performance makes that seem impossible." In 2015, he was selected to portray James Bond in Trigger Mortis, written by Anthony Horowitz.

As of 2014, he provides the voice of Imperial Security Bureau agent Alexsandr Kallus on the animated series Star Wars Rebels.

As of 2017, Oyelowo voices the spirit of Scar, the main antagonist in season 2 of The Lion Guard.

Oyelowo is set to voice the Tiger in a television adaptation of The Tiger Who Came to Tea which will air on Channel 4 for Christmas 2019.

Film

In 2012, Oyelowo appeared in Middle of Nowhere. Writer-director Ava DuVernay had been a fan of his work and had considered asking him to take the role, however before she could, Oyelowo received the script coincidentally from a friend of a friend of DuVernay's who happened to be sitting next to him on the plane and was considering investing in the project. The film premiered at the 2012 Sundance Film Festival to critical raves. That same year Oyelowo appeared in Lee Daniels' The Paperboy, which competed for the Palme d'Or at the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. Oyelowo reunited with Daniels the following year in The Butler.

In 2014, Oyelowo formed his own independent production company, Yoruba Saxon Productions which has co-produced movies that featured him including, Nightingale, Captive, Five Nights in Maine, and most recently, A United Kingdom.

He worked with his Middle of Nowhere director Ava DuVernay again for Selma (2014), playing civil rights activist Martin Luther King Jr. The film, based on the 1965 Selma to Montgomery voting rights marches, had originally been set to be directed by Lee Daniels, but the project was dropped by Daniels so he could focus on The Butler.

He is slated to star with Lupita Nyong'o in a film adaptation of the Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie novel Americanah. The story follows a pair of young Nigerian immigrants who face a lifetime of struggle while their relationship endures.

In February 2019, it was announced that Oyelowo had joined the Peter Rabbit cast with James Corden, Rose Byrne and Domhnall Gleeson reprising their roles as the title character, Bea and Thomas McGregor for its sequel due to be released in April 2020.

Awards and honours

For his portrayal of Martin Luther King Jr. in Selma, Oyelowo received the NAACP Image Award for Outstanding Actor in a Motion Picture. He received his first Golden Globe Award nomination for Best Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama, while also receiving a nomination for Critics' Choice Movie Award for Best Actor.

Also in 2014, for his performance in Nightingale, he won the Critics' Choice Television Award for Best Actor in a Movie/Miniseries and was nominated for the Primetime Emmy Award for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Limited Series or Movie, Golden Globe Award for Best Actor – Miniseries or Television Film, NAACP Image Award for Outstanding Actor in a Television Movie, Mini-Series or Dramatic Special and a Satellite Award for Best Actor – Miniseries or Television Film.

Oyelowo was appointed Officer of the Order of the British Empire (OBE) in the 2016 New Year Honours for services to drama.

Personal life

He is married to actress Jessica Oyelowo, with whom he has four children. They live in Los Angeles, California.

A devout Christian, Oyelowo has stated that he believes God called him to play Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. Reflecting on his portrayal of King in the film Selma, Oyelowo has asserted that "I always knew that in order to play Dr. King, I had to have God flow through me because when you see Dr. King giving those speeches, you see that he is moving in his anointing."

Oyelowo and his wife became naturalized US citizens on July 20, 2016.

Oyelowo is an omoba (or prince) of the kingdom of Awe, Nigeria, a part of the Nigerian chieftaincy system. He commented, "it was useful for getting dates but probably not much else".

[redrebecca]

Swings

A story of a relationship that started in the old community park

Warning(s): Just fluff

A/N: This took me way too long to write and i’m tired and i want to sleep, Feedback is always appreciated, have a nice day!  

Words: 5k

*

June 14, 1999

The park was empty as your mum pushed your pushchair underneath the arch the two oak trees made at the entrance. She slumped on the park bench, relieved that you had finally stopped screaming and had turned back into the gurgling, bubbly baby you normally were. The soothing sounds of the birds chirping and the simple beauty of the nature that surrounded the local play park was enough to relax any sleep deprived mother.

However, your mum jumped, startled, as someone sat on the bench next to her.

“Oh my goodness I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you” came the worried voice from beside her. With a hand placed over her heart in attempt to calm her erratic breathing she replied

“Oh don’t worry about it, she’s kept me up all night so I’m a little out of it” she joked, gesturing to you in the pushchair, completely fascinated with a rattle that your mum had given you earlier.

“Well I’ve just had a struggle with Shawn trying to get him to eat his lunch, you should’ve seen the mess. Most of the food ended up on my top instead of going in his mouth!” The two mothers giggled, both having similar experiences with their kids.

During their conversation, Shawn had managed to shuffle close to the edge of his pushchair so he could see what you were playing with. When he noticed the bright red rattle in between your small hands, he squealed, gaining your focus. He made grabby hands towards the toy, thoroughly intrigued by the noises it made. You held the rattle out as far as your short arms would let you, finally managing to put it into the boys hands as your movements were uncoordinated and clumsy from your young age.

He let out a squeal at the noise the bright piece of plastic made when he shook it between his chubby hands. You giggled, clapping along, encouraging him to continue. Your parents watched in awe as you both ended up in fits of high pitched giggles and squeals, the occasional gurgle coming from your new friend.

When the clouds turned the sky grey and the wind grew bitter the two mothers decided to call it a day. They arranged to meet at the same time same place next week, weather dependant of course.

Little did they know what they had started.

 October 25, 2002

You had pleaded and begged your mum to let you go to the park that evening. Your mum had been reluctant since you had just got back from your first day at pre-school and had thought that it would be best for you to have an early night. But no, during the day, Shawn and you had made a plan to meet at the park next to the swings and you couldn’t not go

Sure enough as you dragged your mum by the hand through the gate and under the oaks, you saw Shawn also dragging Karen. As soon as you saw his figure you had dropped your mums hand and were running as fast as your little legs would carry you.

However, you were so focused on your friend that you completely ignored the change in surface, tripping over the slightly elevated concrete slab and falling.

Instantly, you felt pain in your knees and the heels of your palms. Hot tears gathered in your eyes, before they began streaming down your reddening cheeks.

Shawn was the first to reach you, sitting down next to you and rubbing your back, just like his mother had done with him many times.

“My-my knees” you spluttered, chocked sobs leaving your lips. Shawn looked at your grazed knees then your eyes and then back at your knees before he leant down and placed a kiss on each one.

“Better?” he asked, a flicker of hope shone through the clouds of concern in his hazel eyes. He hated seeing is friend hurt and really wanted to make you feel better.

“A little bit” you managed to say between the sobs. You held up your index finger and thumb to indicate how much he had helped and offered him a watery grin, which he returned.

He held onto your hand, taking extra care not to squeeze where you had grazed.

“What have I told you about running?” Your mum said, crouching down and assessing your injuries, upon realising they were nothing that a band-aid couldn’t fix, she worked on soothing your cries. She rubbed calming circles onto your back.

“Do we need to go home?” She offered when you eventually stopped blubbering.

“No I’m fine” you said, making your voice as confident as you could as you tried to stand up. You soon realised that bending your knees hurt, a lot. Shawn quickly noticed this and stood up, taking your other and in his and carefully pulling you up to your feet.

“Sweetie if you can’t walk we can do this tomorrow instead” Karen assured you

“No mummy we only just got here” Shawn pleaded. He wanted to spend time with you, not go home. He looked around the playground for something that you could do. “Can we go on the swings? Y/N won’t have to walk” Shawn looks at Karen, who looks at your mum. She shrugs, I don’t see why not.

Once both secured in the baby swings, your parents start to push the two of you, slow at first before starting to push with more force as you and Shawn practically beg. By the end the two of you are giggling messes.

“See you at school tomorrow” Shawn says, wrapping his small arms around you.

“Bye bye Shawn” you say returning the hug before your mum tells you that you have to go.

 March 2, 2012

School had been stressful today. Due dates and exam papers were piling up all of a sudden and everyone was stressed, not used to the pressure the education system was putting them under.

You somehow managed to walk to the park, wanting nothing more than to be in your bed. You opened the gate and passed under the familiar arch of the large trees, feeling more relaxed with every step you took. You didn’t know what it was but there was something about this park that made you calm, as if it removed all the weight off of your shoulders.

You saw him. He was sitting on the swing, gently pushing himself with his feet that were still planted on the ground. You walked past the baby swings (at your age there was no way you could fit in them) and perched on the swing next to Shawn.

“Hey” he smiled tiredly

“Hi” you replied, just as exhausted as him. You wrapped your arms around the chains of the swing, after all, you didn’t want to fall off.

“I don’t like school” You murmured, Shawn glanced at you, giving a nod of agreement before he looked back towards the empty field in front of him, watching the birds collect sticks for their nests.

“I hate Mrs Richardson” He replied, you stayed silent, waiting for him to explain. Surely enough a few seconds later “She gave me a detention and extra homework for forgetting my book”

“Yikes” you muttered. He let out a breathy chuckle

“Yikes? Really Y/N?” you rolled your eyes

“Sorry my head is just…” you trailed off, neither of you said anything, you had known each other long enough to know the end of that sentence, Shawn had always understood you.

You sat in comfortable silence. You both watched as a rabbit raced across from one grass verge to another. You both watched as a man walked across the field, his dog running backwards and forward in front of him. But you didn’t say anything, you didn’t need to really.

It was Shawn who cut through the silence

“Y/N?” He murmured

“Hmm” you replied, prompting him

“We’re gonna be best friends forever right?” You giggled at his request

“Didn’t you just make fun of me for saying ‘yikes’?” he laughed a little at that, nodding his head as if to say ‘fair enough’

“No but seriously, whatever happens, best friends?” He held his hand out you took it and sealed the deal with a handshake

“Best friends, no matter what”

 June 26, 2014

“Bye mum!” you shouted before racing out of the front door. You quickly walked the route which at this point you were 100% certain you could walk with your eyes closed (you and Shawn had tried to test this when you were 12 but it ended up with him spraining his ankle. He swore that curb wasn’t there before). You were so excited. Shawn had released his song ‘Life of the Party’ and you were going to meet him in the park. You had even taken a minute to pick some flowers from the side of the pavement, trying your best to arrange them in some artistic way.

However when you opened the gate you noticed that your swing was pre-occupied and so was Shawn.

You backed out of the park, a horrible feeling in your chest as you began to walk home. You remembered then that your friend Hannah had told you at lunch that she had seen Shawn and Lauren together in town at the weekend, but you didn’t believe her. Why would you? You were sure that Shawn would tell you if he went on a date. But as soon as you saw them kissing on the swings, on you and Shawns swings, you let the realisation wash over you. That Shawn didn’t tell you.

You chucked the flowers over someones hedge, not really caring whos garden they were now scattered across, you just wanted to get home.

“Sweetie?” Your mum called as you solemnly trudged up the stairs towards your room, but you didn’t respond. You felt drained, and hurt – mainly hurt.

Later that night your phone pinged on your desk as you finished your physics homework.

Shawn: Hey where were you tonight? You left me allll by myself

You could tell he was trying to joke, and fair enough usually you would’ve laughed. But the text only made your heart hurt more- he wasn’t by himself, so why would he lie about it?

Sorry, I just didn’t feel good. Congrats on your song tho!

You replied, placing the phone face down on your desk. You rested your head in your hands and convinced yourself that the pain in your chest was because he lied, not anything else.

 January 5, 2015

You were on the floor, back pressed against the cold metal pole of the frame of the swings. Your knees were pulled into your chest and you were sobbing your heart out. The reason? Jack, your boyfriend of 6 months had broken up with you, claiming he had feelings for someone else. You had been sat in the park kicking yourself for believing that a relationship at the age of 16 would work out. You just felt stupid, angry and distraught at the same time, and the fact that you were a hormonal teen was only adding fuel to the fire.

You were numb from head to toe. Unsure about whether it was the freezing winter wind or the overwhelming emotions that you were consumed with.

When you felt something land on your shoulders you flinched, so lost in your thoughts that you didn’t hear Shawn approach.

“Hey, it’s just me. You looked cold so I brought a blanket” He offered from behind you. After he had wrapped the soft material around you he sat down next to you.

“You’ll never guess wha-“ He cut himself off with a gasp

“Oh my god Y/N” he whispered when he noticed the tears cascading down your cheeks, finally piecing together your position you were sitting in and the way you had been unusually quiet. Without even thinking he wrapped his arms around you, engulfing you in a bear hug. His heart broke with yours as he felt your tears soak the thin material of the t-shirt he was wearing underneath his jacket. He nearly cried with you when he felt your hands clutch desperately at his top – he had never ever seen you so fragile in all of his life and he hated it with everything he was.

If it was anyone else, he would have cared about the makeup that was smeared across his shirt. But he didn’t, instead he kept rubbing soothing circles onto your back and whispering a stream of calming words into your ear. When your sobs turned into sniffles he pulled back slightly, just enough so he could look into your puffy, bloodshot eyes.

“What happened?” He whispered. You squeezed your eyes shut, willing yourself not to cry again, he wasn’t worth it you repeated over and over again. It had been at least a minute since Shawn had asked, but he knew not to push you, to give you time to gather your thoughts.

“He broke up with me, b-because he liked Ru-Ruby more” You said. Despite your best efforts, your voice came out hoarse and raw. A fresh wave of tears flowed from the corners of your eyes. You felt his padded thumbs wipe them off your cheeks. He pulled you in for yet another hug, letting you rest your head on his shoulder.

“He doesn’t deserve you. Hell, he never did, y/n you’re so funny, smart, gorgeous, charismatic and way to friendly and trusting for your own good!”  He felt himself blush slightly as he realised gorgeous had slipped from his lips, but didn’t go to correct himself, after all he meant it.

“Thanks Shawn” you murmured into his shoulder, slightly flustered as no one had ever said such nice things to you.

“You remember the last time when you were crying in this park?” He said, nudging you gently.

It took you a few moments to think back

“Oh yeh! When I grazed my knee and you kissed it better” You chuckled lightly at the thought of you and little Shawn. How the two of you were often labelled ‘partners in crime’ by your families.

“Need me to kiss anything better this time?” He joked. You thanked god that he couldn’t see the blush that was creeping up your neck and spreading across your neck – you were completely oblivious, however, to the redness of his face as even he was surprised at how forward his words were.

“Nothing for you to kiss better, I’m good. I promise” You also thanked the winter wind for letting you use the excuse of its bitterness for causing the red colour of your cheeks. You managed to wiggle yourself out of his firm hold and used the bar behind you to haul yourself up.

When he stretched out his hand, you grasped it with yours and tried to tug him up. Tried. He just sat there with a smug smile on your face as he watched you pull on his arm with all the force you could muster.

“Jesus Shawn what has Karen been feeding you?” You exclaimed. You stood with your hands on your hips, blanket from earlier draped over your shoulders and obviously out of breath.

He gasped jokingly and placed a hand over his heart.

“Are you calling me.. fat?” He feigned hurt, only making you roll your eyes. This caused him to break out in laughter. You spun around and started striding towards the gate. You weren’t mad, Shawn knew that too, but you knew he would follow you (and you were really cold). Sure enough only a few seconds later, before you had even made it to the trees, he had caught up with you. He announced his arrival by wrapping an arm around your blanket-covered shoulders.

He fell into step with you as you exited the park and tucked you further into his side as he felt you shiver.

When he had made sure you got home safely (he had actually taken you into your house, not leaving without saying hi to your mum of course) he turned back and walked back to his house, which he had already passed. During this time the thought of some boy dumping you and making you upset made him angry, he knew he could’ve prevented your heartbreak but yet he had let you go on that very first date with him. He should’ve told you that it wasn’t a good idea but instead when you asked for his opinion he was so shocked all he could say was “Go for it”.

Climbing the stairs to his room he couldn’t stop thinking that he knew he could treat you better. And with that wave of inspiration he rushed to his guitar which was abandoned in the middle of his floor, grabbed a pad of paper and a biro pen from his school pencil case and got to work.

 April 20, 2017

It was 1 week until Shawn was due to start his tour. 7 days was all you had left with him until you wouldn’t see him again for goodness knows how long.

No matter what way you said it, your heart physically hurt at the thought of not being able to see your best friend (who you may or may not have realized you had a crush on) for months.

He had denied his parents request of going to the shops in Pickering for a day out with his parents. He had instead insisted that he was going to spend the day with you at the park, at first Karen had found this request strange, but after Manny filled her in on how Shawn had confessed his major crush on his best friend, she actually drove him there.

So there the two of you were, in complete silence, admiring the view in front of you, blissfully content in each other’s presence.

“Wanna see who can go the highest?” You offered. He glanced at you and nodded, smiling as you started to push yourself backwards with your legs, ready to start your light-hearted competition. He took a second longer, his eyes raked your figure as you positioned yourself to get as much momentum as you possibly could to start with, he had to force himself to look away and get in position.

You waited until he seemed ready counting down before you both started to swing. You let out a laugh of pure joy, enjoying the feeling of momentary weightlessness as you soared forwards. Shawn quickly joined until you were both unable to contain your happiness.

“Jump on 3?” He shouted over the billowing sound the air made as it rushed past your ears, you hadn’t noticed but he had slowed his swing down so now you were perfectly synchronised.

“3” You replied, adjusting your grip on the metal chain

“2” he counted, shuffling forward on his seat

“1!” you shouted, timing your jump perfectly – just as your swing reached its peak height. In your peripheral, you saw Shawn’s lanky figure leap off his seat. You both landed at the same time, giggles and laughs still bursting from the two of you as you went to sit on the park bench behind the swing set.

Eventually the laughter quietened down and all that was heard was heavy breathing and the sounds of birds chirping from the oak trees. You stared ahead, never noticing until that point just how many flowers had grown in the overgrown flower beds. You admired their vibrant colours that stood out from the greens and browns of the park, usually the only colour was the chipped red paint on the swings and the faded yellow of the structure surrounding the slide.

But Shawn wasn’t admiring the flowers, he hadn’t even spared them a glance. Instead he had his gaze directed on you. He payed close attention to detail, noticing the way your eyes sparkled with happiness, seeing how radiant you looked when the clouds parted and the sun shone on your skin. He was in so deep and he knew it. It dawned on him that this was the perfect moment, he didn’t give himself time to talk himself out of it, but instead focussed on what he felt for you. He closed his eyes briefly and took a deep breath.

“Y/N?” You tore your gaze away from the flowers and turned towards him, not missing the way he visibly gulped.

“You alright?” You asked. He nodded, willing himself to stay calm. There was no way he was chickening out of this.

“Ok, so I know this is completely out of the blue and it’s probably a lot for you to take in but I need to get this off my chest because the next time I come to say it, I think it’ll be too late.” You nodded. You felt your heart rate begin to pick up. You mentally kicked yourself for watching too many rom-coms and getting your hopes up.

He inhaled again “So I’m going on tour and I won’t be able to see you and I can guarantee that if when I come back you will have a boyfriend because how could you not? So I need to ask you because if I don’t I’m certain I’ll never get this chance again ok?” You nodded again, urging him on, despite half of your body screaming at you and telling you that this isn’t what you think it is.

You noticed he was fidgeting with his hands, a nervous habit he had, so you reached forward and took his in yours, rubbing your thumbs over the back of his hands. This seemed to be the push he needed. “Will you be my girlfriend Y/N?” He asked, his eyes searching yours, desperate for any sign of agreement.

You wanted to say yes. You wanted to scream yes, but instead you were suddenly filled with insecurities and doubts. One boy had found better and left, what would stop Shawn from doing the same?

“Shawn I want to be, I really, really do. But what if you find a girl who you like more, what if you find someone who is better?” Your voice faded into a whisper. Shawn’s heart cracked as he realised that he had caused all your past insecurities to resurface.

“Stop” He said, his voice barely above a whisper

“You don’t see it do you Y/N?” you didn’t move, you couldn’t, you were frozen in place

“You’re perfect. So please,” he took a deep breath “please stop telling yourself that you aren’t” His face held a pained expression that you had never seen before.

“But Jack left, who’s to say you won’t leave too?” You wiped a stray tear before it ran down your cheek. You wanted to be stronger than this, you needed to be. And as frustrating as it as for Shawn, he could understand where you were coming from.

“I’m not an ass.” Shawn said, a poor attempt to try and lighten the mood. When your sleeve covered hand moved for a second time up to wipe a tear, he sighed.

“You know ‘Treat You Better’?” You hesitated for a second before nodding at his seemingly random question.

“I wrote that for you” He saw a flicker of something in your eyes. Hoping he had witnessed a break through, a small crack in your exterior, he pushed on.

“Every word I wrote in that song, I meant. Because I know I can treat you better, because I want to and because it’s what you deserve. And I think deep down, you know that to” He had never spoken such meaningful words in his life and he didn’t regret any of it.

This was all that you needed to hear. You desperately pulled him towards you and pressed your lips against his. He couldn’t hold back the moan that he let down when he tasted how sweet you tasted, like peach iced tea he got once from Starbucks in summer. His hands gripped your waist and yours ran through his hair.

When you finally pulled back for a breath of much needed air, you couldn’t stop the beaming smile that spread across your face - and by the looks of things - neither could Shawn.

“Yes” you replied. His eyebrows furrowed and confusion was apparent in his facial features.

“Yes I’ll be your girlfriend” and before you could react, he had placed his hands on your cheeks and his lips met yours in a passionate kiss.

 April 20, 2020

“Ok, now I want you to put something on for me” Shawn said whilst leaning to get something from the backseat.

For your 3 year anniversary, Shawn had a surprise planned for you. However there were pros and cons to this. Pros: Shawn had planned t so you didn’t have to do anything. Cons: surprise.

You never had been a fan of surprises, you would rather know what was happening in a situation. But did Shawn listen to your consistent begs and bribes (some which were extremely tempting).

No

So here you were in his car staring at the piece of material he brandished in his right hand.

“I’m not wearing that” you blurted before he even managed to explain. He held his index finger up in the air and confidently said “You will because I said so” You rolled your eyes. You turned around slightly so he would be able to cover your eyes, but gave him no verbal response, not wanting to give him the satisfaction that he had won. But of course Shawn knew what you were playing at and didn’t move a muscle.

“Just put it on Shawn” you grumbled, not happy that he had turned your tactic against you. He carefully wrapped the blindfold over your eyes, ensuring that there was no way you could see from underneath by carefully inspecting for any gaps. He knew damn well that you wouldn’t own up to being able to see out of it.

He continued the drive he knew well until he reached the parking spot. He quickly murmured a “Don’t you dare move” to you before opening his door and rushing round to the passenger side to open your door and help your sight-deprived self out of the car and safely onto the pavement.

Walking into the park he guided you carefully, making sure he notified you at even the slightest change in gradient.

Eventually he had you where he wanted you, and began to make the last minute arrangements to his plan.

“Not gonna lie Mendes but this is kinky” you announced, completely undeterred by your lack of vision in that moment. Shawn laughed at that, he shook his head at himself for even thinking that you could take this seriously.

He smoothed his clothes down and tried to calm his erratic heartbeat.

“You can take it off now” you heard. You reached behind you to untie the knot Shawn had carefully tied. When it came loose and dropped to the floor, the first thing you saw was the grassy field you had looked over for hours on end throughout your childhood, it still amazed you know as to how many memories flooded into your head from that one scene. You then noticed that Shawn wasn’t in front of you. You turned around, your lips parting in shock as you took in the freshly painted swing set,  hand painted vines covered in brightly coloured flowers, just like the ones that grew in the flower beds this time of year, decorated the once paint chipped poles.

Your hands went up to cover your mouth as your eyes dropped to where Shawn was on one knee.

“Y/N” He started, a smile already on his face because of your reaction. “We’ve been together for 3 ears exactly but I’ve had the pleasure of knowing you for the most of my lfe. We’ve stuck with each other through the nappy stages, the temper tantrums, the awful haircuts and unfortunate brace faces” He gave you a pointed look, causing you to giggle from underneath your hands “And most importantly you’ve stuck by my side and supported me through my career through the ups and downs, you’ve dealt with the crazy fans and looked after me even when come home all tired and moody from the studio. I’m so lucky to say that you’ve always been in my life and I would be honoured if you let me spend the rest of our lives together.”

“Oh my god Shawn yes” You pulled him to his feet and kissed him passionately, which he eagerly reciprocated.

When you pulled away for breath you pressed your foreheads together. “I’m so glad you said yes” He whispered

“Me too” you murmured

“No seriously, my knee was hurting from kneeling and I needed to stand up” He grinned cheekily, you separated your foreheads and pushed at his chest, a loud laugh coming from him.

“You idiot, we were having a moment!” You cried, and despite your best efforts a giggle escaped you.

“We’ll have plenty of time for more moments Mrs Mendes” You smiled

“Mrs Mendes,” you said testing your future title “I love it”

“Oh thank god!” Shawn dramatically placed his tattooed hand over his heart. He quickly grabbed your hands before they could, once again, come into contact with his chest.

“Would my fiancée like to go on the swings?” He asked, smiling at you

“She would love that”

[the-duke-of-ellington]

(quick draft, may edit later)

You’re probably wondering who [redacted] is :). I’ll tell you.

I moved to Seattle my junior year of high school. I ended up moving to Missouri for the first half of junior year, but that’s a very long story for another time. Lying, cheating, family drama... all the good things. Not my immediate family, of course (we’re holy) (I say that sarcastically but also I’m serious... as far as I know anyway), but family nonetheless.

Up until then, I had basically grown up in South Bend. My father is a minister. He studied at Andrews University in middle-of-nowhere Michigan. The biggest city nearby was South Bend, which is why we moved there. Anyway, dad left (honorable reasons, no drama) and took my siblings so it was just me and my mom. Life was hard and we lived in the ghettoest of hoods, so... we moved to Seattle where our prospects were better. Or, rather, she dragged me over.

Good move in retrospect. I was livid at the time though.

Anyway, when I left, along came [redacted] and her family. A dazzling bunch of 4 (maybe 5) from Florida.

Ahh, I forgot to mention, my church was great! Huge part of my childhood. It was loosely multicultural. It was mostly a white church, but a lot of the younger people were first-gen African like me. Parents moved here to go to Andrews or whatever and we all ended up in South Bend. Our youth group was awesome! Maybe at least 40 of us -- conservative estimate. Of course, there were kids that weren’t part of the youth group as well. We used to just kick it every Saturday and Sunday, learn about nature and wilderness survival, dance, ball, etc.

Anyway, camping is a huge part of Adventist culture worldwide. Every 5 years, our youth group (lets call it Pathfinders) would go to Oshkosh, WI where other Pathfinders from around the world (literally, like 50-60,000 of us) would gather together and just kick it, have fun, do parade marches, etc. etc. The college students would put together a Broadway worthy musical theater performance for all thousands of us based on a Bible character. It was the best of times :).

Anyway, I first went to Oshkosh back in 2009. That’s also when I got baptized (8/15/09. Shout out to [redacted]).

So, naturally, I wanted to go to the next camporee in 2014.

So I did. I flew back to South Bend, kicked it at [redacted]’s place for a while, saw a few woes ([redacted], [redacted], [redacted], etc.). Honestly, it was amazing going back and seeing them again! Then came time for camp. I was having so much fun hanging out with my school friends that I couldn’t have been more disappointed that *no one* from the old church crew was going this time around (except for [redacted]! She’s great!). 

Enter the [redacted] family. [redacted] was the middle child. The eldest had already moved out and had stayed in Florida. [redacted]’s parents were the Pathfinder leaders for context.

Long story short, [redacted] and I kicked it, camp came and went, and after a few months of texting, we started dating... It was doomed to fail since we lived 2,000 miles apart, but goofy little me never thought it would haha. Like, definitely the most intense relationship I’ve ever had, definitely the only woman I’ve ever been like “yep, definitely gonna marry you.” Anyway, I’ve decided to skip all the details for everyone’s sake. 

In conclusion (for now), we broke up and it was awful :/. Really thought we were gonna end up together for a while there.

Anyway, she’s engaged now. I don’t really feel bad or anything. Like it’s been more than long enough for sure. But... still longing for old times :)... I have to admit, I’m a little bit surprised at her choice of... nvm 🙃. Niggas move weird nowadays.

Anyway, I think I had a great childhood. Shout out to my parents! I love you <3.

P.S., happy early birthday to me. 23 is feeling pretty good, no? ;)