#avl...... once i fucking get you

[marsbotz]

i think they shld have at least let maxime keep his antennae. as a treat

[everythingisconfetti]

The fun of withdrawing from effexor includes: throwing up, not eating because you don't want to throw up again, feeling worse because you haven't eaten, finally eating something, and repeating the cycle. I'm so so glad I was in a position to take time off work for this cause it ain't pretty folks

[barneswinterraven]

Size

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female!Reader

Summary: he just wanna make sure he gets the right size

A/N: my last fic was angsty so i thought to write some kind of crack fic. i do appreciate if you guys can comment your thoughts, or simply just like and reblog ❤ *not proofread*

Y/N groans as she lies down on her stomach, trapping the heated bag of water right on her abdomen.

At this point, she was done cursing all of those who look down on period pains and was now having an internal argument with God for giving women a body part that literally sheds itself, just because some eggs were being bitchy about not being fertilized.

"Y/N, sweetie, is there anything I can get you to help?" Bucky can only imagine what she is going through, and if he can only take her pain away, he would do anything just to do it. The only thing he can offer as of the moment is to lay beside her and massage her lower back for some comfort.

"Well how about you go and ask God, why the fuck He created women to suffer every month just because she ain't pregnant" Y/N sighs as Bucky chuckles at her words.

She suddenly stands and heads to the bathroom when, "Fuck!"

Bucky shoots up right away to check on Y/N, worried that she got hurt, as if she wasn't hurting already.

When he got in the bathroom, his heart broke from the view: Y/N clutching an empty pack of pads with tears welling up her eyes.

"I forgot to buy more of them and I just can't walk all that way to the store," some tears were already falling from Y/N' face while she was pouting.

It hurt Bucky to see her like this but he also adored how cute she looked. "Doll, don't worry about it. I'll run to the store and get more for you"

He lightly kisses Y/N and wipes away her tears leading her back to lie down again on their shared bed. And she can only hiccup a small thank you to him.

Once Y/N had settled back down on the bed, Bucky grabbed his jacket and wallet right away to go on his personal mission: get Y/N her pads and maybe some of her favorite snacks.

Y/N watched him then go straight to their closet and furrowed her brows. "Bucky, why are you going through my underwear?"

"Oh I was just checking your size, so I know which size of pads to get for you."

What.

It took a while for Y/N to process what Bucky had said and when she did, "Uh honey, how do you think pad sizes work?"

"What are you talking about? Doesn't come in sizes based on the size of your... cooch?" It was Bucky's turn to be confused.

And for the first time since she woke up that day, Y/N forgot about her pain and laughed heartily.

"Bucky the sizes are for how heavy the flow of the period is."

Bucky looks at her like she has grown an evil twin head and tilts his head. And all he can reply is "Oh"

At the end of the day, Bucky Barnes was not only avle to buy the right pads but also succeded in making Y/N laugh despite her pain.

[alonely-dreamer]

The Valuable Sun | Chapter 9

Summary: Godric and his district receive Nan Flanagan’s visit after the Fellowship of the Sun fiasco.

Pairing: Eric x OC

Warnings: 18+ (terrible smut ahead)

A/N: Please, note that I am French so there might be some mistakes here and there.

Words: 7219

Schedule: Next chapter will be posted on November 4

Masterlist

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8

The sky was a light blue and dawn wasn’t far away as they drove back to the hotel in silence. Sookie and Brooklynne couldn’t wait to get back and lay down on their bed. They had just spent the most horrible couple of days, and they were impatient to be done and go home.

Eric booked a room for Jason, and Sookie was too tired to even think of asking him to get one for himself. The vampire let Brooklynne take a shower first and she collapsed on the bed as soon as she was out, but when he got out of the bathroom, she still wasn’t sleeping.

“I thought you’d be tired,” he said as he sat on his side of the bed.

“I’m exhausted.”

“What’s keeping you up?”

“All of it… Being stuck in that cage for two days… the explosion… I still can’t believe that man hated vampires so much he was ready to die if it meant taking at least one of you with him.”

“Hate is a powerful weapon.”

“And Steve Newlin won’t even be blamed for it.”

“I doubt it.”

She sighed. She turned around to face him, looking up at him from where her head was resting on the red silk pillow. “Thank you for saving my life.”

“You’re welcome.”

“You could have died.”

“It certainly was a possibility.”

“Then why did you do it?” If you don’t care, like you keep saying, she thought.

“I don’t know,” he said, being surprisingly honest with her.

“Godric is a good man.”

“Godric isn’t a man.”

“You may be vampires but you’re still men.”

“You’re exhausted, you don’t know what you’re saying,” he said, and she laughed.

“I know what I’m saying. And I mean it.”

“Then you’re a fool, Brooklynne Stackhouse.”

“Well, that’s not nice.”

“Sleep,” he told her. “We’ll have a lot to answer for tonight.”

“What do you mean?” she frowned.

“What happened last night will be all over the news. Which means we’ve attracted the unwanted attention of the AVL.”

“The American Vampire League…”

“Yes. They’re a pain in the ass, but they work for the Authority. They have power.”

“What’s the Authority?”

“A story for another time. Sleep.”

She sighed again. She was exhausted and she did want to sleep, but she was afraid of what she’d see once she closed her eyes.

“Sleep well, Eric.”

He looked down at her, lying beside him, with her eyes closed.

“Sleep well,” he said, but she had already fallen asleep.

***

Eric had been right, which didn’t surprise Brooklynne at all. The AVL was there, and the meeting was set at midnight. Bill, Sookie and Brooklynne were expected to attend as they had a few questions to answer. Eric was in a foul mood. He knew they were going to try and blame Godric, and he didn’t want to hear it. Nan Flanagan, the official AVL spokesperson, had come all the way to Dallas and booked the biggest suite of the hotel which, according to Eric, only meant they were seriously pissed and that heads would roll.

But Eric wasn’t the only one who had been right. Sookie hadn’t lied about the effect Eric’s blood would have on Brooklynne. She was indeed thinking about him more, and even though she was glad she hadn’t had any dreams about him yet, especially since he was sleeping right next to her, she could feel the attraction, and she could hardly keep her eyes off him. She woke up late in the afternoon and had escaped her room and joined her brother in his, hoping to avoid the vampire. But now, they were going to be in the same room for the rest of the night, and she couldn’t stop looking at him.

Nan was already waiting for them in the living room when they entered. She was sitting on a white faux leather footstool, near the two couches of the same fashion. Godric and Isabel had arrived first and were seated on the couch on her right. Bill, Sookie and Brooklynne were facing them, seated on the couch on Nan’s left. Eric had chosen a footstool near Brooklynne, facing both his maker, and the spokesperson. He didn’t look happy. Neither did she.

“Do you have any idea of the PR mess you’ve made?” she told them. “And who has to fucking clean that shit up? Me. Not you. Me. I should drain every one of you bastards.”

“Stan went after the church on his own,” Eric said. “None of us knew anything about it.”

“Oh really? Because everyone who’s met Stan in the last 300 years knew that he had a kink about slaughtering humans. But you, his nest mates, his sheriff, had no clue.”

Stan had been an (un)fortunate casualty of Luke’s suicide bombing, so now, the AVL needed a scapegoat and Eric would be damned if he let the AVL put the blame on his maker.

“And how were we supposed to know that this time he meant it?” Isabel asked.

“Not my problem. Yours,” she said as her eyes fell on Godric.

“Don’t talk to him that way,” Eric threatened her.

“Don’t talk to me that way,” she calmly warned him. “Let’s get to the point. How’d they manage to abduct you?”

“They would have taken one of us sooner or later,” Godric answered. “I offered myself.”

The information was news to Eric, who not only didn’t like it, but it also made him confused and scared for his maker.

“Why?” Nan asked, obviously surprised and confused herself.

“Why not?”

“They wanted you to meet the sun and you were willing?” she raised an eyebrow, looking at him like he was stupid, or insane, or both.

“What do you think?”

“I think you’re out of your mind.”

Eric thought the same. He didn’t look angry anymore, it was as if he had just understood something, something terrible, something he didn’t want to believe, something that made him sad. It took Brooklynne everything she had in her not to take his hand. She knew he wouldn’t like it, not now, not in the company of Nan or her bodyguards. It would be seen as weakness and he wouldn’t have it.

“And then I hear about a traitor?” Nan asked.

“Irrelevant. Only a rumor,” Godric told her. I’ll take full responsibility.”

“You bet you will.”

“You cold bitch,” Eric snarled.

“Listen. This is a national vampire disaster. And nobody at the top has any sympathy for any of you,” she explained to him before she returned her attention to Godric. “Sheriff, you fucked up. You’re fired.”

“I agree,” he nodded, “of course. Isabel should take over. She had no part in my disgrace.”

“Godric,” she said, stunned and confused. “Fight back.”

“What are you saying?” Eric asked, as stunned and confused as Isabel was. “She’s a bureaucrat. You don’t have to take shit from her!”

“You wanna lose your area, Viking?”

“Oh, you don’t have that kind of power.”

“Hey, I’m on TV. Try me,” she shrugged with a smile.

“I’m to blame. I should have contained Stan the second Godric went missing.”

“Isabel,” he stopped her. “I remove myself from all positions of authority.”

Eric breathed out. He didn’t recognize his maker. He opened his mouth, but no sound came out of it, too baffled to find the words.

“Works for me,” Nan said. “Come to my suite and fill out the forms.”

“Soon,” he nodded. “First, I have something to say,” he paused for a moment. “I’m sorry. I apologize for all the harm I’ve caused, for all our lost ones, human and vampire. I will make amends. I swear it.”

Nan grimaced. “Take it easy, it’s just a few signatures,” she said as she got up, tapping his shoulder twice before she left the room, followed by her people.

Godric got up as well but he was stopped by his progeny who blocked his way to the door.

“No,” he said. He knew, he understood, even though he didn’t really. He saw the pain, he saw the problem, but he didn’t like the solution his maker had chosen.

“Look in my heart.”

“You have to listen to me.”

“There’s nothing to say.”

“There is.”

Godric sighed. “On the roof,” he said before he walked out.

Brooklynne didn’t recognize the look on Eric’s face. She never thought she’d ever get to see him like this. He looked confused and destroyed. He felt helpless, and so did she, as she had no idea how to fix it.

“Eric,” she whispered as she took a step forward, then took his hand. She didn’t know what else to say, but she wanted to be there, even though he probably didn’t need her.

He slightly squeezed her hand, acknowledging her presence without looking back at her, but then let it go and turned around, following his maker’s footsteps.

“It’s going to be dawn in a little while,” Sookie said.

“I know.”

“I’m gonna find Godric.”

“Sookie, this has nothing to do with us. You’ve done enough for Dallas,” Bill told her.

“I’ll go,” Brooklynne said.

“What can you do?” Bill asked, trying to stop her.

“I’ll just… be there.”

She gave a look to her sister, who knew she couldn’t stop her, but also didn’t want to. No one deserved to die alone, and Eric couldn’t be up there when Godric met the sun, so someone else had to.

She found them on the roof. They were arguing, and she felt uncomfortable, she didn’t want to interrupt them, so she stayed behind, at the top of the stairs, waiting for the right time.

The sky was becoming brighter as the sun was about to rise and Eric tried, he gave everything he had, to make his maker change his mind.

“Two thousand years is enough.”

“I can’t accept this. It’s insanity!”

“Our existence is insanity. We don’t belong here.”

“But we are here!”

“It’s not right. We’re not right.”

“You taught me there is no right and wrong. Only survival or death.”

“I told a lie, as it turns out.”

“I will keep you alive by force!”

“Even if you could, why would you be so cruel?”

Eric swallowed, desperation coming to replace his anger. “Godric don’t do it,” he begged in Swedish.

“There are centuries of faith and love between us.”

Eric started crying, tears of blood filling his eyes, a lump forming in his throat.

“Please, please,” he sobbed between two breaths as he fell to his knees. “Please, Godric.”

“Father. Brother. Son,” he continued. “Let me go,” he said, in English this time.

Eric tried to compose himself, taking a deep breath as he straightened up, but avoided his maker’s eyes, tears of blood making their way down his cheeks.

“I won’t let you die alone.”

“Yes, you will,” Godric said, and more tears of blood found their way on Eric’s face.

Godric put a hand on his progeny’s head and stroke his hair once, then twice, before resting it on his nape. Eric rose to finally look up at him.

“As your maker,” he said. “I command you.”

Eric stood up, like he was ordered. His maker gave him a small smile, which Eric tried to return, before he turned around and found Brooklynne standing there, at the top of the stairs. She gave him a sad look as he approached her. Eric turned to take one last look at his maker and Brooklynne took his hand, encouraging him to go back inside, as the sun was rising in the horizon.

“I’ll stay with him,” she told him. “As long as it takes.”

He nodded, avoiding her gaze, before he walked away, leaving her alone with his maker.

“It won’t take long,” Godric said as she approached him. “Not at my age.” He turned around to face her, he too had tears of blood in his eyes. “Do you believe in God?”

“I don’t. But Sookie does. My Gran did.”

“If they’re right… how do you think He’ll punish me?”

“Well… my Gran would say that God doesn’t punish. God forgives.”

“I don’t deserve it.”

“Yes, you do.”

He laughed quietly. “You don’t know me.”

“I know enough.”

He gave her a small smile. “You’ll care for him?”

She frowned, confused for a second, but then nodded. “I… I’ll try. I don’t think he’ll want anyone to care for him. You know how he is.”

“I can take the blame for that too,” Godric smiled.

“Maybe not. Eric’s pretty much… Eric.”

Godric nodded. He then turned around, to face the rising sun. Brooklynne’s heart tightened inside her chest and she tried to swallow the lump appearing in her throat.

“Aren’t you scared?”

“No,” he shook his head. “I… I’m full of joy,” he breathed out a laugh as if he were surprised.

“But… the sun… the pain…”

“I want to burn,” he assured her.

“Well,” she sniffed, “I’m scared for you.”

“A human with me at the end,” he smiled, and she wiped her wet cheeks, “and human tears… Two thousand years, and I can still be surprised. In this I see God.”

His skin was starting to burn and as the sun rose higher and brighter, he gestured for her to step back. He turned around, fully facing the light, unbuttoning his white shirt which he let fall on the ground.

“Goodbye Godric,” Brooklynne said as a tear fell down her cheek, and he opened his arms to embrace the sun.

His body turned into blue flames which consumed him so fast she didn’t even have time to gasp as he disappeared silently before her eyes.

***

The blue skirt of Brooklynne’s dress caressed her thighs as she walked through the hotel’s hallways. She tried to dry her tears before she reached her room. She didn’t know what to expect once she opened the door. Would Eric even be inside? It was daytime, so he had to be in the hotel. She hoped he wasn’t doing anything stupid.

She slowly opened the door of her room and found Eric sitting on her side of the bed, looking down at his feet. He didn’t acknowledge her as she stepped inside. She saw the trails of blood on his cheeks, the tears falling onto his chest, staining his white shirt. She silently made her way to him and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Godric is gone,” he said.

“Yes. I’m so sorry,” she replied as she slid a hand in his hair.

She couldn’t say she knew how he felt, because she had no idea what losing a maker felt like, or what it felt like to lose someone you’ve known for a thousand years, but she knew loss. She knew how it felt to lose a parent. She had lost three. There was nothing she could say that could make it better, that would make his grief go away. He had to go through it to accept it.

“Did he suffer?” he asked as he took the hand she had in his hair.

“No.”

He sniffed as he nodded. “Thank you. For staying with him.”

“Of course.”

She moved her hand from his shoulder to his face, cupping his cheek. She’d have wiped his tears away if she could, but all it would do was spread the blood on his face, making it worse. She didn’t know if it was because of his blood that was now part of her, or if she’d have done the same even without it, but she wanted to be close to him, to take care of him. She wondered if he’d let her.

“Come on,” she said as she took a step back and gently pulled him off the bed.

He frowned but allowed her to drag him to the bathroom. She took him to the sink, where she picked up a cloth. She opened the tap and wetted it with warm water, though she doubted he’d be bothered by anything cold. She turned towards him, wanting to clean the blood from his chest and face, but stopped when she realized he was too tall and that it would be more complicated than she had first thought. Understanding the problem, Eric put his hands on her waist, and made her sit on the counter with supernatural speed. She gasped, surprised by the unexpected movement.

“I told you not to do that,” she told him, and she thought she saw a smile on his face for a second.

She took a look at his chest and took the bloody top of his shirt between a finger and a thumb, tucking it down slightly to give her access to the blood that had dried on his skin. But she didn’t have to bother for long as he removed his shirt completely. She looked up at him for a quick moment before she started cleaning the blood off the top of his torso. He let her work in silence, and she could feel his eyes on her, never leaving her face. She tried to ignore it, tried not to blush too hard, but when she reached his face, it became harder to ignore his intense gaze.

Never in a million years would she have imagined being in this kind of situation, especially not with Eric. She’d always thought she’d be alone her entire life and being this close to someone had seemed like an impossibility just a week before. She never really thought about it either. Never gave too much thought about her future, or about anything. She never had the clarity of mind to do so. But now that she did, she didn’t know what to do. What was normal? What was expected of her? She’d always been different, did she really want that to change? She didn’t care about being ‘abnormal’, she just wanted to be free. Free of the voices, free of the house. Free to make her own choices. For once. And maybe Sookie wouldn’t like it, but she didn’t care. She’d make her own choices, she’d live her life, at last.

She left the bloody cloth in the sink after she was done. She placed her hands on each side of his clean face and stroked his cheeks with her thumbs. He didn’t look bothered. She could see his pain in his eyes. His eyes that were looking right at her, exploring her, like he was seeing her for the first time, getting to know her, maybe looking for something, something familiar, something that he needed. He looked like he found what he was looking for.

“Thank you,” he said as he leaned into her touch.

“What do you need?”

He raised an eyebrow, surprised, though he guessed he shouldn’t really be. She had a good soul, she’d want to help him in any way she could. He considered it for a moment. Could he ask that of her? Knowing she’d probably say yes because she wouldn’t say no to anything right now. Could he take what he wanted from her now, something he’d wanted ever since he had first met her, ever since she sat on his lap the first time, smiling back at him like he wasn’t the most dangerous person she’d ever met. She was careless, or at least she used to be, before he helped her cast the voices away, before he helped her find her own, find some lucidity in her life. But even after she found peace and quiet, she’d stayed with him, she hadn’t backed away like her sister had probably told her to. She was here, worried about him, wanting to help him, even after she’d found out about Lafayette. If he were a good person, he’d probably let her go. He wouldn’t be selfish, and he would stay as far away from her as possible. But right now, now that Godric was gone, it was he who had lost clarity. Even though he doubted that if he weren’t in pain at this moment, he’d probably still be doing what he was about to do.

“Are you ready to give me what I need?” he asked as he leaned forward, his hands moving from the counter to her waist as his eyes slowly fell on her neck.

A shaky breath escaped her. “Would it make you feel better?” she asked in a whisper.

“It’ll help.”

His answer was low but clear. She slowly brought a hand to her shoulder, brushing the hair away before she tilted her head, giving him access to her neck. He moved slowly, his nose sliding up her skin before his cold lips found her vein. She closed her eyes, waiting for the pain to come, but it never did. He moved up slightly, his cold breath reaching her ear.

“That’s not what I meant,” he murmured.

She frowned and found his eyes as he moved away from her neck, his face still inches from hers. Her mouth opened when she understood what he was saying, but no sound came out of it as she was rendered speechless. She was barely breathing, he wasn’t at all. He trapped her chin in his fingers, his eyes falling on her lips. She closed her mouth quickly and tried to swallow her nervousness away. She drew a shaky breath as he brushed his nose against hers. She waited for him without realizing it. Time had stopped and seconds turned to hours as he still wasn’t moving. She didn’t know what to do, her thoughts were colliding together in her mind, making it impossible for her to make a decision. Eventually, she moved, instinctively maybe, or because she was getting impatient, because she wanted it, needed it, but she raised her head, so slightly maybe it wasn’t even anything, but he saw it. He saw it for what it was or for what he wanted it to be: permission.

His lips found hers quickly, urgently, a bit roughly. She reacted immediately, kissing him back. He pulled her to him and her chest crashed into his, his hand resting on her lower back. Her hands left the counter to find a place on his bare chest. His fingers slid in her hair, holding her head in place as he kissed her. She didn’t know what she was doing, but he did. He slightly opened his mouth, his tongue licking her lips, pushing for access, access that she granted. She let his tongue wander on her lips, in her mouth, let him play with her own. A moan escaped her as she felt his hand move from her back to her hip, down to her thigh. He pushed the skirt away, his fingers travelling on her skin, going high, higher than she should let him.

His long and cold fingers reached the top of her thigh, his thumb stroking her skin once, before his caresses moved up. But they didn’t take the direction that she feared. His fingers returned to her waist, his thumb going up, not stopping until he reached her bra. Her breasts were surprisingly heavy for someone her size. He didn’t bother to take it off, he went over it, sliding his thumb inside the cup, making her gasp and break the kiss. But he didn’t stop. He captured her lips again as he found the pink and hard button he was looking for. Bothered by all the layers covering her, he didn’t play with it for long before he removed his hand from under her dress, surprised she had let him go so far.

He broke the kiss as both his hands found her lower back and he pulled her to him, fast and hard, taking her by surprise. She didn’t even feel him lift her. One second she was sitting on the counter, and the next she was back in the bedroom, lying on the bed. He was kneeling before her, his imposing figure towering above her. His right knee brushed against her left leg as it went up, and up, opening her legs. The skirt of her dress curled up, concealing her underwear. She felt her cheeks turn red as his eyes travelled, oh so slowly, from her bare legs to her eyes. She swallowed as he locked his gaze with hers. He leaned forward, his right hand coming to rest on the soft mattress near her head. His face approached hers unhurriedly and she tried hard not to look away. She closed her eyes, however, when she felt his fingers on her thigh once more.

“Are you ready to give me what I need?” he repeated, whispering in her ear.

Her heart had never beaten faster, she felt like it was about to leave her chest. Giving him her blood was one thing but giving him her body was another. At that moment, she wished she knew what he was thinking. Or maybe, it was better that she didn’t. She wasn’t ready for this. She hadn’t expected this. Nor did she expect to want it, and yet, despite the fear, despite the unknown, she did. She wanted to know what it would feel like to be with him. She wanted to do what it would feel like to be cared for by him.

“Yes,” she replied, so low only he could have heard her.

She had barely said the word that his lips were on hers once again. His right hand fisted the bedsheet as his left moved up her thigh. He pulled on the dress once, to warn her about what he was about to do, which she didn’t understand at all. He tore the blue dress apart, leaving her in her pink underwear. She gasped as she felt the fabric leave her body. Her right breast was already coming out of its cup thanks to Eric’s earlier exploration. His lips left hers, stopping on her chin, then on her throat, then on her upper chest before they found her cleavage. She shivered as his cold fingers slid beneath her and reached the clasp of her bra. He threw it away across the room. She immediately had the reflex to cover herself, but he stopped her, gently grabbing her wrists. He looked up at her, but when she looked away, he put her arms up above her head, pressing her wrists against the mattress. She couldn’t move when all she wanted was to cover herself.

“Don’t,” he said as she tried to free her hands.

She begged him with her eyes, a faint sob escaping her throat. He pressed a gentle kiss on her lips before he returned his attention to her breast. She looked up at the ceiling as his nose slid down her cleavage. He lowered her arms that he kept pinned against the mattress. His lips kissed her right breast, his tongue licked her nipple before he trapped it in his mouth. A shaky breath escaped her as he played with one of the most intimate parts of herself. He eventually let go of her arms but only so he could play with her left nipple. He caressed it with his thumb, over and over again, and he could feel it harden under his touch. She moaned, suddenly finding pleasure as she relaxed under him.

His right hand abandoned her left nipple and slid down her body, finding the waistband of her underwear. She instantly put a hand over his, but it didn’t stop him. He slid a finger under it, and her gasp didn’t make him stop either. He released her nipple and kissed his way back up to her face as he slid another finger under her panties. She drew a long breath as his fingers found the most intimate part of her body.

“You’re already wet for me,” he said as he looked down. Heat invaded her face and even more so when he looked back up at her. “Up,” he instructed her, and she gave him a confused look, which he found more arousing than perhaps it should have.

He tugged at her underwear to make her understand. She silently obeyed, lifting herself up slightly to allow him to remove her damp panties.

“Good girl,” he smirked, and even though she thought it wouldn’t be humanly possible for her to blush even more, she did.

His fingers returned to her wet lips and she closed her eyes at his cold touch.

“Breathe,” he told her, and she realized she was holding her breath. “Make me stop,” he said, and even though it sounded like a challenge, she knew what he meant. They could stop this at any moment, any second, if she wanted to.

She watched as he left the bed and knelt on the floor. He put a kiss on her right leg, then another, kissing his way up her inner thigh, eventually reaching the hot mess between her legs. She looked up at the ceiling, unable to meet his gaze, as she covered her face with her hands. She whimpered as his tongue licked her lips. He slowly licked up his way to the one thing he wanted right now, the button that would have her crumble completely. He pulled her closer to him, her legs resting on his shoulders. His mouth closed on her, making her moan. He licked the button, that bundle of nerves, played with it, slowly at first, then faster, and faster, and faster, faster than any human could have done. She didn’t know what to do with herself as pleasure built up inside her, taking over her muscles, her thoughts, her entire mind. She couldn’t think, unintelligible words coming out of her mouth. His name maybe was the only thing they could both understand.

She shattered completely on the bed after a few minutes. His hands keeping her trembling body still as he wouldn’t let go, as he carried her through her first orgasm. She was panting when he finally let go, kissing the inside of her thigh before he stood up. He watched as her body kept twitching, as she tried to catch her breath. When she realized he was seeing her wholly, completely, she moved up a leg, trying to conceal herself, as if he hadn’t seen all of her yet. She propped herself up on her elbows, looking back at him, waiting in confusion. His hands reached his pants, and she watched as he unbuttoned his jeans. He took everything off, exposing himself to her like she was exposed to him. Her eyes grew big as she saw his length, a shaky breath escaping her lips as she moved back a little as she looked up at him.

“Make me stop,” he repeated, offering her a way out.

She swallowed, her throat feeling dry, considering it. But she shook her head as she whispered: “I don’t wanna stop.”

“Good,” he said as he knelt on the bed, making his way back to her.

He kissed her, roughly, his lips crashing on hers. She let him push her back onto the mattress as she kissed him back, sliding her fingers into his hair. His own fingers found their way back to her wet folds and she gasped as this time, he wasn’t going to stop there. He slid a finger slowly into her, the unfamiliar touch made her feel uncomfortable. At first. But as he kissed her, as he pushed his finger in and out, she became more and more aroused and eager. She moved her hips to meet his movement, and he slid a second finger into her. The pressure only lasted a few seconds before pleasure found her. She knew what he was doing, she’d read enough books to know that she needed to be ready for a man of his size. But the books hadn’t been nearly indicative of how it all felt. She felt dazed, drowning in pleasure but also in uncertainty and nervousness. She was light-headed, her core burning at the idea of giving him what he wanted while he was giving her what she needed. That need that he had put inside of her, that his touch had created. He was a thief, stealing everything from her, her breath, her clarity, herself. Everything she was and everything she had was his. She was at his mercy as his fingers entered her, made her moan, made her forget everything else but his lips on her neck and his hands on her body.

She groaned as he slid a third finger, perhaps too early, inside of her. The pressure lasted longer as his long fingers opened her up, made her ready for what was to come. What she had promised him, what she could take away at any time if she wanted. He had given her so much power, he too was at her mercy as she could stop it all before it even started. But she wouldn’t be so cruel. She wanted to give him everything, just so he could feel a little better, even if it only lasted a second.

As she was getting lost in the building pleasure, he suddenly moved, making them lay on their side. He removed his fingers, resting his hand on her bottom. She put a hand over his but didn’t remove it. He kissed her, slowly this time, more gently than before.

“Make me stop,” he repeated as he put a kiss on her shoulder.

But she didn’t stop him. Not even when she felt him against her thigh. He was cold, she should have known, but hadn’t expected it.

Suddenly, a thought crossed her mind. She should have thought of it before, way earlier, but suddenly, she wondered if he knew. The way he was touching her, the way he was doing everything told her that he did, but she wondered, maybe he was being gentle because she was human, or because of that other reason. Maybe, he didn’t know.

“Wait,” she stopped him, putting a hand on his chest. “I…”

“What?”

She avoided his gaze, feeling embarrassed for not having told him before.

“I… I’m…”

“I know,” he said, and the revelation made her look up at him. “It’s okay. It won’t hurt, not for long,” he told her, and she nodded. “Do you want to stop?”

“No,” she shook her head.

He resumed what he had started, moving his hand from her bottom to her thigh, lifting it, slightly, but enough, to allow him to find her entrance. She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in his shoulder as she felt the tip of his length reached her lips. She squeezed her eyes shut, waiting for the pain to come.

“Hey,” he whispered so gently it didn’t sound like him. He removed her arm from his neck then cupped her cheek in his hand.

He leaned forward to kiss her, gently, slowly, for a minute, and then another one. To make her forget about the situation they were in below. When she was relaxed, he slowly pushed himself inside of her, making her gasp, then wince as she felt the uncomfortable pressure. He withdrew himself slowly, then entered her once again. He did it a few times until the pressure was gone, until she forgot about it. He went a little further every time, getting her used to his size, but he quickly reached the wall, and she felt it as he did. He never stopped kissing her, not even when she cried out when they became one. He never stopped, never slowed down, his movement only becoming faster as she relaxed in his arms.

She was a moaning mess and every little sound she made filled him with desire. He was so big and so deep inside of her. He could feel her reaching her limit, her early orgasm was to be expected. She cried out his name as she felt it too and his thrust never ceased, not even when she crumbled into his arms. He carried her through the orgasm as it travelled through her like lightning, down her spine to her legs, to her toes. She moaned loudly as she trembled, bliss taking over her quickly, as she felt like she was going to pass out. But the feeling never went away as his hips kept meeting hers, faster and faster. She heard him groan now, though he’d been doing that for a while, she was just now registering her surroundings once again.

He moved suddenly so that she was lying on her back and he was on top of her. He moved her legs up which she locked around his waist like he wanted. She felt him slowing down and even though his pace was becoming too much for her, she knew he wouldn’t find his pleasure if he held back.

“Eric,” she said but it was difficult to find the words. “Don’t… slow down.”

He slowed down, however, misunderstanding her words. He put a kiss on her shoulder before he found her face. She brought a weak hand to his cheek before she tried again.

“Don’t slow down,” she told him, and he tilted his head, silently asking her if she knew what she was asking for. “I want… to give you what you need.”

He raised an eyebrow, and she saw uncertainty in his eyes. “You have no idea what you’re asking for.”

She shook her head. “I want to give you what you need.”

“You’ve given enough,” he said, straightening up so he was towering over her before he thrusted into her, hard and unexpectedly.

She gasped and moaned at the sudden movement. Despite what he knew was best for her he couldn’t deny there was something deep within him that wanted to take the opportunity to fuck her hard and fast and leave her a sobbing mess until she passed out on his cock. Everything about her was confusing, he wanted to protect her, but he also wanted to destroy her, in the best of ways. She was so innocent and pure and right now his and only his. No man had ever been there before and the idea of another man touching her, making her his, enraged him. He thrusted into her again, harder this time. He was claiming her, and he wanted her forever, another companion for the next thousand years, someone who would never leave him like Godric just did. Someone who would be with him for him, like Godric had found him and chosen him to be his companion. Pam wasn’t it. He loved Pam and he’d spent the rest of forever with her, but she was no Brooklynne Stackhouse. There was something there, a light only a human could have, a light he knew she wouldn’t lose even in the darkness because it was part of her.

He wanted her.

But did she want him?

He leaned forward again and rested his forehead against hers. She took his face in her hands, confused by his sudden silence, waiting for him to move, to say something.

“Be mine.”

It took her by surprise. He didn’t move as he waited for her to answer.

“Give me what I need. Be mine,” he repeated, and it sounded like a plea. He was vulnerable now like he had been on the roof. He had lost someone he loved deeply and now he needed someone to fill that gap. Brooklynne knew she could never fill that gap, but she could be something else, something new, something he needed.

He waited patiently for her to either break his heart or save him. There wasn’t much left of his heart, he kept it hidden, but she’d seen glimpses of it before and she’d seen a lot of it tonight. She was just what his heart needed right now after it had been left vulnerable by Godric’s departure.

She didn’t know what to say. Hadn’t she already given him everything? She was lying under him, at this moment, he was buried deep within her. She had told him her secrets, given him her first kiss, her first everything. What more could she do? Wasn’t she already his?

The next words that came out of her mouth woke something in him. Something raw, something untamed. His lips mashed against her, demanding something, anything, everything. He seized her wrists and pinned them against the mattress above her head. She didn’t think he’d react that way, she didn’t know what she expected to happen, but not this. He was unleashed, free to do with her as he pleased. She was his. His.

He straightened up, towering over her once again, releasing her hands, resuming his thrusts. He was reaching deep inside of her, hard and fast, harder and faster. He growled as he lost himself within her, taking what she offered, what he needed. She moaned and cried out as the world disappeared around her, maybe it hurt or maybe it was just pure bliss, she couldn’t tell. Maybe she passed out, then came back to consciousness just to pass out again. All she knew was his hands on her thighs, his growls and groans in the air. She could only feel him, in and out, in and out, over and over again, so fast she couldn’t even tell the difference anymore. She raised her hands, just to let them fall back on the mattress. She moved her head, right, left, up and down, it didn’t matter, she couldn’t see anything. Time disappeared with her lucidity. Maybe she’d been having one long orgasm that lasted minutes after minutes or maybe she just came over and over again, but it all blended together until he found euphoria between her legs. She cried out as the thrusting stopped. She felt him empty himself inside of her, heard him growl loudly, before he thrusted into her again, once, and twice, making her cry out each time, exhausted and sore.

When he removed himself, she felt like she had just lost a part of her, something that had always been there. He laid down beside her twitching body. She was out of breath, pearls of sweat sliding down her skin. She called his name, missing his touch already, and he brought her to him. She breathed out as she rested her head on his chest, barely aware of where she was. She only knew him and that was enough.

“Are you hurt?” he asked, and she didn’t understand.

“What?” she said, half conscious.

“Did I hurt you?” he reformulated, now more in control of himself, now aware of what he had just done, of what he had been doing for the past hour.

“No.”

“I should have stopped when you passed out the first time.”

“I passed out?”

He caressed her bare shoulder with his fingers, wondering if he should be worried or amused.

“Did I give you what you needed?” she asked, and he nodded.

“Yes.”

He hesitated, wondering if he should let her fall asleep are clean her up. There was blood on the bed, among other substances. But she was already falling asleep.

“Say it again,” he asked while she was still conscious.

“What?”

“Say it again.”

She sighed, tired and content. “I’m yours, Eric.”

“Yes. You are mine.”

*********

Tags: @thepoet1975 @nerdysandwichqueen @catchmeupimgettingoutofhere @raegan-hale @colie87

[etcrnitys]

hey hey hey everyone ! i’m peep and this is my sarcastic and strong-willed vampire bb marie ! super excited to rp with all of you :^) don’t got much to say but here’s the bio with some wc’s at the end and i’d love to plot with all of you !

backstory — 

marie’s human life doesn’t matter much to her. she was born into a london working class family of six in 1792. she worked for most of her life in one of the factories. which is where she ultimately met her maker.

he was wealthy, owned a series of factories, initially took an interest in marie and was named benjamin. the two hit it off, to the dismay of her bosses, and eventually a deep friendship was formed. he understood her intense longing for something more in life and would decidedly spoil her, invite her to his upper class home and to the parties he would throw. though, it didn’t take long for her to realize that these parties would attract certain guests and the man told her the truth.

of course she felt confused and slightly scared at first, but there was a certain thrill she felt being around those vampires, too. she knew they would never kill her, knowing benjamin’s wrath would be too strong. but there was something about being on the brink of death each time she partied with them that gave her a sort of high. it distracted her from her stressful work life and made her feel a bit more purposeful. which is what prompted her to make a comment to benji about how she never wanted this experience to end.

and he took her word on it. literally. he thought he was doing her a favor, feeling like he now had a companion to spend his nighttime adventures with. but as she woke up, bleeding, with him telling her she had to drink his blood or she would die, she felt betrayed, hurt, scared. and she followed through with it. 

the two spent the rest of the nineteenth century traveling around europe and eventually to america at the end of it. but at the turn of the century, benjamin decided to release marie in favor of training a new progeny of his, ultimately replacing her. which she didn’t take very well, to put it lightly.

for her first hundred years, she was discreet with her feeding and learned restraint and the benjamin way of going about things. but once she was let loose, feeling absolutely devastated to be dumped, she took numerous lives with her. throughout most of the 1900′s, the woman went around the continental US feeding how she pleased without restraint and sometimes killing them when she did. which, though she didn’t realize at first, caught the american vampire league’s attention. during this time, too, she found herself desperately trying to search for new companions, often sleeping around with humans and vampires alike. 

this behavior took a turn when she met her progeny though, lewis. at the beginning, she’ll admit, he was endearing and she had maybe a little too much fun leading him on. and it was nice knowing there was someone so devoted to her. so she agreed to date him, see where it goes, knowing it would at most, last his lifetime. however, as the relationship progressed, she didn’t anticipate falling for him, which became dangerous as time went on. she liked keeping him at a distance, not only to protect her heart but also to protect her existence. but getting to a point of ‘i love you’s’ felt wrong. and as the guilt consumed her, she eventually fessed up. and stopped talking to him for a bit. she figured she rather be the dumper than the dumpee as the pang of the abandonment of her maker still had such an immense pull on her.

but somehow, that couldn’t stop the two. their bond pulled them back to each other and only grew stronger, as lewis began wanting to know more and more about the other and marie had so much to tell. which apparently worked out a little too well as the other approached her with the idea of turning him. truthfully, the thought of that didn’t sit right with her. first off, a part of her knew she couldn’t be tied to one person forever. she liked how fleeting and urgent human life felt and she admired that human quality to him. secondly, she knew of the darkness that saturated her world and she wasn’t ready to expose him so deeply into it. 

but she also really, really loved him. and she knew he was coming from a sincere place. she could feel how deep his want was for spending eternity together and a part of her felt tugged by that. because that was what she spent centuries searching for. someone who understood her as benjamin did and be a life companion, traveling the world, fucking shit up. so she reluctantly agreed.

and instantly regretted it once she saw how much it destroyed him. but she didn’t just feel regret. she also felt betrayal, anguish, rage, grief. all to the highest degree. her biggest fear of abandonment replayed all over again. which is what set her into another feeding spree, though it quickly became short-lived.

now, present-day marie finds herself in louisiana, as punishment from the AVL for her recklessness and current tendency to feed in public (though, discreetly). here, they feel like they are able to keep a better eye on her and since everyone is familiar with the supernatural in eden, she won’t be able to break the AVL’s rules on public feeding so easily. 

personality

+ loyal, sentimental, intuitive, confident, adventurous 

- sarcastic, heedless, defiant, indulgent, decadent

wanted connections

someone who shows her around town

someone she regularly feeds on

friends with benefits

honestly down for whatever let’s do our own thing !

[klanced]

soooooo i was late on asking for the second movie but i call dibs for whenever ur organized enough to infodump it: What Happens In The /Third/ Movie Katie Klanced?

I meant to post this last year but then I got suspended and forgot smh -_-

Anyway it’s been almost a year, so here are a few links to refresh your memory on the masterpiece that is my Despicable Me au. In fact, here’s the tag because I love this au.

In my correct opinion, the third DM movie is definitely the weakest in the franchise, and I pretty much ignored its canon plot and wrote my own. So sorry if there’s a few loose-ends/plot-holes. But this is a Despicable Me au, I am beholden to no gods, no rules.

Roughly a year has passed since the events of the second movie. Coran and Alfor have finally gotten together (they’re either dating or married, I haven’t decided yet). Allura is away at college because I have way too many characters on my hands and I have to sideline out of necessity. Sorry, Allura.

The movie opens up with the entire family getting ready for an award ceremony at the AVL happening that night. It’s about as hectic a scene as you can imagine. Lance is running around without a shirt on. Pidge is wearing three shirts. One is her pajama top, the second is Lance’s aforementioned missing shirt. No one has any idea where the third shirt came from.

When suddenly, the phone rings!

Krolia picks it up, paying only 1/3 attention to the person on the line before she yells that it’s for Coran. Coran limps over, half a chewed shoe in his hand, the other half still on his foot. His right eyebrow is smoking. He is, understandably, a little terse when he shouts to be heard over the background din into the phone.

The screen diagonally bisects, to show Coran on the phone and… Shiro on the other side of the line!

Shiro introduces himself as the new CPS worker assigned to Lance/Hunk/Pidge’s case. Coran immediately has a heart attack and runs to his soundproofed study, slamming the door behind him as Shiro continues to just. Awkwardly talk on the phone lol.

Coran, internally: oh shit oh shit oh FUCK oh shit why now why nowwww oh lord is he calling to take away the kids? is he going to take away my BABIES??

Shiro: sorry for the late phone call sir, i meant to call earlier but i dropped my phone in a puddle and- i mean! the life of a cps worker is just packed hahahahahahahahahaah (WHY are you still laughing you IDIOT) ha-ahem! anyway. i’m the new cps worker, have i mentioned that yet? because i am. it’s just that, after we realized that the kids’ last foster home and agent let a supervillain just walk out with them - uh, no offense, sir! i just meant that, well, supervillains are generally understood to be bad- not to imply that you’re evil of course! Haha of Course Not, even though you were Literally voted the world’s most evil and accomplished supervillain several years in a row, but! That’s neither here nor there. Of course. :)

DM!Verse Shiro is a bit of a nervous doof but he also has a spine of steel when it comes to kids and making sure their living situations are safe. And he is very skeptical of Coran and his parenting skills, which is honestly pretty reasonable considering he’s an outsider looking in. 

I mean, someone who was arguably the world’s greatest villain suddenly deciding to move to suburbia with his three (stolen) adopted kids does… seem like a bit of a stretch. And pretty sus lmfao.

Coran and Shiro eventually stutter their way into a productive conversation and arrange for Shiro to conduct a home visit/other CPS survey stuff very soon. Coran politely bids Shiro farewell, hangs up the phone, and has a panic attack because suddenly it feels like all his worse fears are coming true. Because the other shoe has finally dropped.

Life has been so kind to Coran lately, between his loving marriage and his lovable kids. It’s sad to say, but he’d half-expected something like this to happen for a while. Because people like him don’t deserve this kind of uninterrupted happiness.

Alfor quietly knocks on the door and takes in the scene before him. Coran reaches out, and he immediately rolls to his husband’s side.

Coran collapses against him and catches him up to speed. There’s a pause as Alfor pauses, absorbs, and digest the information, before he starts making calming shushing noises.

Insert Supportive Spouse Speech. Alfor reminds Coran that, for all he’s done in the past, he has damn well earned his present life. Alfor can attest to that, as can Krolia and, most importantly, their children. 

It also doesn’t hurt that the internationally recognized Anti-Villain League is both a sponsor of and willing to provide a character reference for Coran. That counts for something, and Coran finally calms down.

This is what we in the writing business like to call “foreshadowing” :)

Scene cut to the AVL award ceremony. Krolia and Coran are both being recognized for their incredible heroics from the past year, etc etc, blah blah blah. Their speeches are very true to their character.

At the end of it, Kolivan goes up and stage and announces he’s retiring. Krolia, who knew this was happening in advance and fully expects to be named as his replacement, starts checking her lipstick in her hand mirror- only for Kolivan to introduce a ‘Commander Hira’ to the crowds.

FML, this is exactly the plot to the Spongebob Squarepants movie.

The entire Wimbleton Smythe-Altea Family freeze, mid-applause. Hunk awkwardly puts away his ‘CONGRATULATIONS KROLIA!!!!!!!!’ banner. Krolia shatters her hand mirror in her fist.

Within her first month, Hira makes some dramatic changes to the AVL. One of which is the agency’s complete separation from anything having to do with villains, including its rehabilitation program.

“Once a villain always a villain” essentially. Hira insists that villains are simply too evil to ever truly become good again, and that so-called “former” criminals are simply biding their time until they can enact their revenge.

As a result, Coran is fired. Alfor protests Hira’s decision, and resigns out of solidarity. Krolia calls Hira a bitch and is also fired.

The kids are ecstatic that their dads + aunt are home 24/7 now. Krolia is less pleased. She’s been an active agent for more than half her life, so this sudden and forced turn for domesticity has her clawing at the walls.

One of the sub-plots is Alfor trying to convince Coran to become a superhero, “just like the old times.” (Coran: Love, I was literally your supervillain arch-nemesis).

Coran is hesitant, because 1) He still has low self-value and doesn’t see himself as a hero, and 2) He’s perfectly content to mooch off his billionaire boyfriend and spend his time as a stay-at-home dad.

To take their mind off their sudden unemployedness, Coran and Alfor throw themselves into preparing for Shiro’s house visit. This mainly entails Alfor calming Coran down from an anxiety attack every other hour. 

There is a lot of tension in the house.

And then, like magic! An invitation to the biggest supervillain symposium of the year appears, because villain mailing lists are especially evil and refuse to take Coran off their register even though he literally arrests villains for a living.

“So you’re telling me,” Krolia says, and Coran instinctively inches for the door. “That you’ve had an opening into the world’s biggest villain convention, this entire time, and you didn’t tell anyone?”

“W-e-ll,” Coran stutters, slapping blindly behind him for the doorknob, “It just didn’t seem very fair, you know? To ambush them like that, all because of their lazy office workers. That’s not very good sport.”

Krolia and Alfor try to convince Coran that he should go. Krolia is convinced this is the in they need to reclaim their jobs; they’ll infiltrate the Supervillain Symposium, arrest all the biggest bads, call the AVL, rub it in Hira’s face, take a selfie while she’s sobbing in the background, celebrate as the masses drag Hira to the guillotine-

Coran: Krolia I love you, I really do. But you have issues.

Krolia: I happen to be perfectly adjusted for someone in my situation.

Coran is still hmming and hawwing because, now that he doesn’t have to fight villains for a living, he quite likes Not Being In Constant Danger. But then Krolia reminds him that he is both unemployed AND now blacklisted by the AVL, two things which might very well doom him in the eyes of Shiro (and the rest of CPS). He needs to do this if he wants his job back and, therefore, keep his kids.

(…. At some point, Coran shaves off his mustache in a stress-filled attempt at appearing as a better guardian, but no one recognizes him so he has to wear a fake mustache for the rest of the movie)

Coran of course is immediately super gung-ho for this plan and declares they’re leaving ASAP.

The kids of course are raring to go, the adults are vehemently hell no to that idea, and in the ensuing argument everyone forgets that Shiro is coming today. 

A series of events thus follows, which can be summarized as:

The adults say that the kids can’t come.

The kids decide that yes, in fact, kids can come and plan accordingly.

The kids are preparing to tail after the adults (after waiting a reasonable amount of time of course (this isn’t their first rodeo) in their own modified plane when they hear what sounds like their babysitter, the Reformed Lotor, coming around the corner.

The kids immediately go into attack mode only to realize, after the dust has settled, that they’ve actually knocked out Shiro.

In their infinite pre-teen wisdom, the kids decide to stick with the plan and load Shiro into their equivalent trunk and take off.

A few moments later, Lotor finally arrives, looks up from his phone, realizes there are no kids to be watched, and shrugs and goes home.

The scene cuts to Shiro groggily stumbling out of the corner the kids have stashed the plane in, only to realize, to his absolute horror, that he’s on an island filled with Supervillains attending a Supervillain Convention.

Hunk: Man… I feel like we forgot something.

*Shiro screaming in the distance*

For brevity’s sake I’ll cut off here, but just know that this is only the FIRST THIRD (IF EVEN THAT) of the movie. I am absolutely off the CHAINS. I still haven’t even introduced Keith yet. I love this au.

[diceforanaltmode]

Team Fire: Session 3, Egg?!; Part 3: Whirl? And: Egg?!

The adventures of Session 3 continue! TEAM FIRE Rodimus by Frosty (tiefling sorcerer) Drift by Space (earth genasi rogue) Ratchet by Hawke (firbolg cleric) Magnus | Minimus by Tuna (half-orc paladin | human/tethyrian wizard) Megatron by Briar (goliath paladin) Rewind by Robin (high elf wizard) (out for this week, but back soon) First Session | Second Session | Third Session: Part 1 | Third Session: Part 2

The party heads towards the castle. Based on the construction plans they found in Zeta’s office, they know where they will find the entrance to the secret lab in the courtyard. 

When they reach the courtyard, they find Whirl, kicking around some stones. He got bored hanging out at Swerve’s and dealing with all the politics there, so he came here to find some… more stuff to kick around.

He looks up as the party shows up. “Hello, everyone, so how are you? You look awfully suspicious.”

“We do have the Scourge of Kaon in our midst.” Ratchet notes. “You’re kinda right to be suspicious.”

“Yeaaah…” Whirl says. He’s standing right in their way, arms extended. “You’re not going to keep going until you tell me what the fuck you’re doing.”

Drift responds. “We’re looking for a kid.”

“We’re here for the search and rescue,” Ratchet says.

“The what?” Whirl asks.

Drift starts to explain. “Someone took a kid,”

Ratchet continues. “We’re here to get the kid out of Zeta’s super secret, secret room.”

“Son of a bitch. Okay. You want some help?” Whirl offers.

“You’re from the AVL?” Ratchet asks.

“We would appreciate it…” Magnus adds.

“Alright, let’s fuck some shit up,” Whirl says.

The party hits the stone that triggers the entrance to the lab and heads down a set of stairs to find two stone trolls, much like the one that stood in front of the entrance to the dungeon, both in front of doors. The door on the left is narrower than the one on the right. All the doors are short enough that the majority of the party - Magnus, Megatron, and Ratchet - is going to have to duck to get through (“We are a party of huge people.” -Hawke)

The party approaches the door on the left. The troll recites its riddle. “I am light as a feather, yet no human can hold me for long.”

The answer: Breath

The narrow door opens, sliding apart like supermarket sliding doors. The door is narrow enough that the whole party can’t go through at once, but looking through, the party sees a rough and rocky ledge on the other side of the door that extends a few feet. Then there is a crevice, though they cannot tell how deep it is from the door, but they can see it’s roughly 12 or 13 feet wide. On the other side of it, there is some sort of round alcove in the wall. The party can’t really tell if it’s a door or not just by looking. 

Drift pokes his head inside the door to investigate, just to make sure he doesn’t plunge through the floor or anything. Everything looks fine to him.

Ratchet checks as well, and concludes the crevice may not look friendly but the door itself and the ground around it looks fine. 

Drift goes to look inside the crevice. He sees the bottom, guessing it to be 20-25 ft. deep and would be an unpleasant fall but not kill someone.

Rodimus, not noticing much else, follows Drift in - of course. The others are wary to follow, but Whirl heads right in and is just sitting on the edge of the crevice, legs swinging. He does not care. It’s truly very Whirly. 

“Imma chuck a rock in,” Drift says. The others are largely fine with the idea. Except

“God, yes!” Ratchet replies, before changing his mind and adding, “No, actually, lemme see if I-”

Drift cackles. “Too late, I did it!”

“Fuck!”

Said chucked rock hits the bottom in the time the party would expect it to - no infinite free fall or landing too quickly - so the crevice seems to actually be what it looks like.

“Jump in, ya cowards,” Whirl offers snidely. “Should we try to open the other door? Because I don’t have a good feeling about this…” Ratchet says.

Drift takes a closer look around and notices Everything. When Drift looks straight across the crevasse, everything looks empty save for the alcove, which has what looks more like a mock-up for an actual door than an actual door. When Drift investigates the crevasse, going so far as to stick his entire head upside down into the crevasse, he notes that there looks to be something at the bottom of the crevasse, on the wall, but he can’t tell what it is. As he’s scanning the area, he sees a patch of ground on the side we’re on that looks like it’s made of a slightly different material compared to the rest of the stone around it. Drift immediately points that out to everyone in warning.

Drift puts a rock on the floor panel that looked weird, and a set of stairs appears, going down into the crevasse. The stairs seem to be made of light, magical in some way. It’s not certain if the stairs are actually solid.

Ratchet whispers, “Put another rock on it.”

Rodimus decides to throw a rock onto the staircase. It lands on the staircase, bouncing down a few steps, but behaves like it was tossed onto a normal non-magical staircase. The staircase is real.

“If someone takes away the rock- if someone follows us and takes away the rock… then we’re fucked,” Ratchet voices to the group before amending, “Could be fucked. I don’t know if there could be another entrance.”

“Someone can just stand up here. Is there anything even down there?” Drift responds.

“Someone should go check and then someone should stay up here,” Rodimus suggests.

“What about the rogue with the good stealth?” Ratchet says, none too sneakily implying Drift should be the one to check.

“Okay, yeah, I’m going down the stairs. I guess.” Drift agrees, somewhat reluctantly.

“You look sneaky.” Ratchet is lowkey worried.

“This is true.” Drift is sneaky.

Drift goes down the stairs by himself - though Rodimus offers to go with him, Drift insists this is his job, as the rogue. As he gets to the bottom he can see the part of the wall that was made of different materials is actually a door. Kinda an odd door made entirely of a slab of black stone with a single keyhole. There is no handle. Drift decides to try and lockpick the door but gets shocked by the door, injuring him a little. It does not open, either.

Faced with this setback, Drift shrugs nonchalantly. “That happens.” 

“How’s it going!?” Ratchet shouts down at the rogue.

“I think we need to find a key, this isn’t working!” 

“Alright!”

“Should we go in the other door?” Megatron asks. 

The party lets out a resounding “yeah” in agreement.

“On the plus side, we’ll all fit through that,” Ratchet notes. 

Drift heads back up the stairs and they all head to the other door and its troll. It’s riddle is:

I am a venerable relative, whose hands do not hold and whose face cannot see, but I can always tell you when you are late. Who am I? 

Answer: A Grandfather Clock

The door slides open across the entire width of the room beyond.

Everyone investigates before going into the room. Rodimus doesn't even notice that the door has opened. Magnus, Megatron, and Ratchet are able to see a 4x4 pattern of tiles with numbers on them and a small alcove. Megatron and Ratchet are able to see a spiral pattern engraved into the wall by the alcove. It's a Fibonacci spiral.

“So we need to probably go across the tiles in the Fibonacci role…” Ratchet observes.

“The what?” Rodimus asks. He has not heard of a “Fibonacci” whatever before. He does know what numbers are but doesn't know how these two things are related.

“The Fibonacci Sequence, it’s a-” Ratchet doesn't bother to finish explaining seeing the blank look on Rod’s face. 

Magnus looks warily at the puzzle. “Does anyone want to test it out?” 

“Nah-” Ratchet makes a bunch of noncommittal noises.

“Like, not even step on it?”

Ratchet makes more noises generally meaning no.

“So what is it tiles? Can they be pressed?” Drift pipes up.

“Like we need- we obviously need to go across it in the sequence and it would be easiest to test it…” Ratchet explains.

The tiles don't necessarily look like they could be pressed or sink down in any way, but it’s not unreasonable to assume they would react to being stepped on.

Drift points out that “I mean they're a pretty clear path from the first one to 13 and if we need to hit 21 we can do that too…”

“I don't think we need to because the sequence is like 1,1, 2, 3, 5, 13…”

“Five, eight, thirteen,” Dirt corrects.

“Five- oh, yeah it is.” 

Drift laughs a bit before announcing, “I’m gonna go for it, screw it, let's not waste time.”

He steps across the tiles in the order: 1 1 2 3 5 8 13. Nothing happens and Drift is able to walk across just fine. In the alcove, there is a small key that looks like it would fit into the door.

“Mine now.”

Drift quickly gives the rest of the room a once over just to make sure he hasn’t missed anything. He doesn't see anything new and crosses the tiles once more in reverse tile order. Again, nothing happens. He flashes the key and heads back to the other room

Ratchet is muttering to himself in the back as they head out. “Fibonacci spiral,” he scoffs. “How tasteless!”

“He really didn’t have any good ideas, did he?” Drift said, referring to Zeta.

“Nope!” Rod chirped back. “Not a single good idea!”

(The DM as Zeta’s Ghost is Offended)

“Classless,” Mags agreed.

Ratchet snorts and Drift cackles again. 

(The DM feels Judged)

Drift reins in his laughter before saying, “Honestly, if we’re gonna build an evil citadel, I think you’d- I would do it differently.” He turns to Megatron, and in the smuggest way possible- “Wouldn’t you do it differently Megs?”

“...do I have to answer that?”

“Fair.”

“But, yes, this is very poorly designed,” Megs shrugs. 

(We assure the DM we love them)

The party heads back to the other set of doors and back down the magical stairs to the door at the bottom of the crevasse. After using the key from the other room to unlock the door, Ratchet makes the suggestion that someone sturdy should enter first. Drift laughs and replies you send the rogue in first. Megatron sighs at him, of course. 

Drift cautiously goes to open the door… or at least tries to. He fails, very badly. As he moves it, the door squeaks, getting a visible cringe from everybody, and alerting something quite large on the other side. And, whatever it is - it’s moving. 

Our cleric is, of course, backing back up the stairs.

“Coward!” Drift laughs, again. “Well, no, he is the cleric; he needs to stay in one piece.” 

“I’m squishy! And old!” Ratchet shouts back.

“I am not at my strongest right now, don’t at me!”

“Same,” Rod adds

“Cowaaaard!” Whirl screams, from his place on the ledge above the crevasse. And continues screaming.

Ratchet glares back at the rogue. “I’m literally the only one who can fix your legs.”

“Unless anyone has any better ideas, I’m opening the door,” Drift replies once more, exasperated. 

The rest of the party lets out a variety of ‘yeah, just open it.’

“Weaklings and cowards!” Whirl is still shouting. “Open it!”

“The door is open!” the rogue shouts back.

“Whirl, you are not helping!” Mags snaps.

And that was true. With as much noise as Whirl was making, the beast behind the door is now fully awake. 

Oh, fun.

As Drift pulls open the door, the beast behind it is revealed to be a giant snake! It lashes out at Drift, but misses as Drift dodges. 

Ratchet raises his hands, mumbling to himself for a moment, and from his hands descends a flame. A flame with a holy aura. You could even say a sacred flame. The party groans at the pun, and unfortunately the snake dodges the flame.

Ratchet notices the snake doesn’t appear to be venomous, thankfully, and looks to be a constrictor. Based on size it looks female -- because these are fantasy snakes, so who needs real-world biology? 

Upon realizing that the snake is a constrictor, Ratchet yells out, “Watch out, that thing’s gonna choke you!” 

And all he hears is a quiet, “Great,” from Rodimus. The tiefling casts firebolt, hitting the snake and causing a fair amount of damage. 

Drift draws his rapier and attacks as well, stabbing the snake and quickly ducking back to avoid another attack.

Next, the snake takes its turn to strike. It turns it’s aim towards Magnus, managing to pierce through Mag’s armor. She doesn’t look so good after that. The half-orc is wary now but chooses to attack anyway. She swings, but the hammer glances off the snake’s scales.

Megatron (being cheered on by Ratchet with a quiet, “Hit the snake, hit the snake!”) strikes the snake next, bloodying it severely.  

Now it’s Ratchet’s turn again (also being cheered on, now by Drift with “Do your job, do your job!”) and casts healing words on the wounded paladin. Mags is in much better shape now.

Rod… does not even get a full bolt of flame cast out. A puny little ember putts across the air and leaves a little blister on the snake. Rest assured, everyone’s laughing. To which Rod loudly exclaims, “FUCK!”

Being the amazing partner that he is, Drift avenges Rodimus by stabbing the snake yet again. And he hits! After that he doesn’t move back again, not seeming to care about the risk of attack because of how wounded the snake is now. Ratchet is panicking in the back, and so Drift backs up a little to appease him. Drift tries to get a better look at the room beyond, but he sees is Snek.

Still in snake range, Megatron gets attacked now, but the fangs just scrape against his armor. The snake retreats. 

Magnus, still wary of the snake, takes a look around the area to see there’s a door on the other side of the room the snake, and something next to the door, although she cannot make out what it is with all that snake in her way. Eager to get this over with, Magnus slams her hammer into the snake's nose. A stiff breeze could take this thing out now. But, rather than a stiff breeze, Megatron takes it out with one last blow of his great sword. The snake is now unconscious and bleeding out.

The party has solved the Snake Puzzle.

Now not having to fend for her life, Magnus points out the door on the other side of the room the snake was in. Everyone makes their way over to it not only to find the door but what looks like a cage next to it. Inside is a giant egg. A giant egg that probably belonged to the snake that was just knocked out.

Ratchet crouches down to look at it and does, in fact, conclude this is the big snake’s egg. It’s not close to hatching, but it’s well on its way.

This is when the party realizes that oh god, they just almost killed a mom. Hysteria and discussion of raising the snild (snake child) ensue.

“I think we’re obligated to adopt the snake,” Megatron says.

“Let’s steal a baby,” Rod says.

Megs nods. “Let’s steal a baby.”

Drift is silent for a moment. Contemplative even. “Why is the egg in the caaaage?”

“Because! A giant fucking snake will hatch out of it!” Ratchet exclaims. “It’s not that difficult!” 

Besides the party panicking (again) over this egg, it can be guessed that Zeta was keeping the snake egg to motivate the mama snake to guard his office. Well, his secret-er office. Which happens to be in front of our heroes.

Ratchet clears his throat. No one hears him, so he throws his arms into the air and shouts, “Maybe! Before we contemplate stealing a giant snake -- Magnus, Megatron I can’t believe you’re doing this -- maybe we should investigate the fucking office, of the vampyric overlord we killed yesterday!?”

“No, yeah that does sound like a good idea, we should do that first,” Megs concludes.

“Perhaps!”

“I’m not saying- I never agreed to steal it!” Mags protests.

“It’s not really stealing! I mean, it’s not likely to survive in this particular condition anyway,” Megatron notes, gesturing to the environment around them. “It kinda needs to either be taken out and released into the wild or given to someone.”

“True.”

Ratchet looks kinda in pain because holy fuck they are looking for a child in danger.

With Ratchet’s urging, the party goes to open the door to the office... ---

Continue to Part 4!

[billciipher]

ive been balls deep in work the last few days, so thats why i've been quiet given the recent shit you've been dealing with (ha ha recent.. ) Anyway, how you holding up?

SORRY wow I completely forgot to answer this 

I’m doing pretty bad really, my work switched me to a high deductible health plan so I’m basically paying to have to pay everything up front until my fucking, 3 thousand dollar deductible is hit instead of having copays. Which is fantastic as I have chronic conditions I need to go to the doctor for on a kind of regular basis. Other than that I hate my job and I dread going, so I’m trying to find another job which is gonna be a huge pain because I need something that pays at least $12 an hour and has benefits which is like finding a fucking needle in a haystack

I’m trying to get into medical coding where you just get the books and take the exam but it seems almost impossible to get a job off the bat with that because everyone needs medical experience which I don’t have. So I’m going to try and see if I can get a job in a medical office or something.

My current job also doesn’t pay enough really so I’ve been stressing about that. I’m stressing about my parents selling the apartments I’m living in. I’m trying to get my pet sitting business going but mental illness shit is making it hard for me to get out there. I’m also trying to meet new people but once again, that and my social anxiety makes it hard.

I went to a therapist a few months ago but my insurance lied to me and said she was in network when she wasnt so I had to pay out of pocket for that visit which was $100. My provider can’t locate any other therapists nearby me in network and I can’t super afford $100-200 therapist visits when I don’t technically need therapy to be a functioning human being (It would be Nice but when it comes down to it I don’t have the money)

Mercury in retrograde or whatever maybe just my mental illness has fucked me up for like, an actual month so I’ve been super fucking depressed. I haven’t wanted to do anything but like, sleep, which is super fun. I’m hoping to come out of that slump or something but the way things are going….doesn’t look positive

Yeah uhhh sorry for the tl;dr but I’m really….doing bad and…can’t tell my parents any of this because they will chastise me….meanwhile I recently visited my friends in Asheville and realized I really super miss them (I don’t miss AVL tho) and I still don’t have friends here so. doing fucking great

[fmlfpl]

Lineup Lamentations - GW3

Our Transfers, Captains, and Starting 11s for the week!

—

WALSH

TRANSFERS:

OUT: Aubameyang

IN: De Bruyne

Pretty straightforward swap here removing Aubz after the Wet game was always the plan before GW1 and feel fortunate to be in position to execute the plan. Kevin on pens was the deciding factor over Raz as I had it down to them two as my City guy to get.

Not sure what Raz will be up to with Jesus out now...up top or same spot, but either way Kevin still should be doing the same shit. Hopefully that bonk on the head was nothing much and he's ready to go this weekend.

Probably not a spot I will play with too much unless he gets injured but it feels nice to just get Kevin in nice and early here. Debated many different hit options and in the end nothing looked too attractive. .5 in the bank for a rainy day...we'll see where that belongs next week.

GK:

Ryan (MUN)

Maybe he'll get some saves in this game, unlike the previous. Never feel good for a clean against ManU so I'd take a 3 pointer or something.

Brighton dominating Newc was very promising though - pretty happy that I stuck with Ryan GW1. Could see owning him for a long while and possibly even through my first WC whenever that time comes.

DEF:

Dier (NEW)

Welp.

A clean would be most, most welcome here after no cleans through their first two. They look genuinely all sorts defensively so far and seem to just be all hands on deck throughout their games. Wondering if the disruption of the Thursday games is really fucking them, and I will be watching this one closely. Letting in two to Soton was kinda lucky - it could easily have been three or four - so it would be nice to see a suffocating performance against a team that just managed 0 shots on target last weekend.

Realistically, as long as Dier is starting, I probably won't bin him.

Shaw (bha)

Dunno how I seem to end up with thiccboi in my GW1 team every year but it feels like I do.

He's a really tough player to watch when you own him...very frustrating and just a bit shit. The rumors with Telles intensifying doesn't fill me with hope for the future. Again, like Dier, as long as he's starting I probably won't spend a transfer here and just need to back my preseason thoughts that Mou and ManU would be good for cleans.

Brighton looking a pretty tidy outfit so far this game should be good. Not really expecting a clean, unfortunately, so maybe get lucky with an assist or something.

Trent (ARS)

Trent looked back to being Trent against Chelsea. No Hendo is a bit annoying again so we'll see who is starting on his side.

Arsecast been pretty conservative setting up but we know how teams like to overload Trent to neutralize his attacking impetus which may well happen here.

Either way a win to nil is always on the cards for Livp and Trent is a great player. Good boy Trent.

MID:

De Bruyne (LEI)

Great player gets to play a shithouse team. Love it. One of the few (only?) things I got right last year was picking Kevin early and holding him. Will try to replicate that now. To the first of many happy returns Kev.  

Salah (ARS)

Still a livewire despite his blank last weekend I'm pretty happy to have Mo.

Definitely my safety blanket in FPL and hauls are always around the corner. Looking good and primed to bang. With the sudden increase in penos makes him even that more attractive. Not an easy fixture by any means but it doesn't really matter. Let's go Mo.

Trossard (MUN)

Spent a lot of mental energy on this wee lad this week. Done nothing but impress through two and return in both with the post last weekend away from a huge haul and yet I still am looking for reasons to sell him. I came full circle and despite the rough immediate fixtures I'm going to stand by him. He looks dangerous and even though there are f0dens and podencios around him, he's the one I have and he's the one I shall hold.

ManU were utterly diabolical last weekend and if Matic is out they could still be got at.

Andre-Frank Zambo Anguissa (AVL)

Zambo did the business for me last weekend with the assist and with no better options he gets to go again against Villa. Dunno if Lemina comes in or something with Reed maybe he gets to push up a little more but ultimately he seemed to have a more or less free roaming roving role in the center of the park last weekend...and he bossed it. Absolute class player, Zambo is, and I really enjoyed watching him. He's definitely not showing much to be an actual starter in FPL...but needs must.

Certainly need to upgrade my 11th man soon, but with this good fixture maybe he gets something again.

Fernandes (bha)

Come on Bruno. Nothing would calm me down and my feelings about my team this weekend more than with Bruno points. I am expecting space so hopefully he doesn't get hockey assists but gets actual assists in this one. Feels weird that they played 90 and didn't get a peno as well.....time to revert to the mean with one this game probably too right? Yes.

FWD:

Werner (wba)

Werner been looking good and rested during the midweek so should be raring to go as he still searches for his first Chelsea goal. Hopefully Jorginho is out so he has pens in his locker this weekend as well.. but really just feel good with him in this fixture.

West Brom are bad and I am backing Chelsea to find some goals this weekend. Werner has been looking good, even if his team has not, and I'm just hoping that they click into some sort of gear against the weakest opposition they'll be facing in the league to date.

DCL (cry)

Tough fixture against the team they are tied for first place with in the table.

We will probably do’em but DCL, with the way he's looking, always a shout for getting in and around it. Not expecting a ton here, but am keen to see what Woy does with the lineup at home now that Eze and Bats have been around for a couple weeks. Maybe we play some attacking stuff and are there to be had? Who knows. Either way, DCL - great pick great guy.

BENCH:

Mitchell (EVE)

Brewster (ARS)

Ferguson (lol)

CAP:

Werner (wba)

I'm trying this new thing this year where I back myself for captain picks. I was on him last weekend when I looked at the fixtures and the games so just going to stick with that.

West Brom are bad, and a lot worse than Leicester (even tho Leicester suck), so I feel better about trying to expose heem than go with Kevin. 4 or 5 is possible against WBA and Werner could fill his boots. Playing the fixture here, we'll see how it goes.

—

ALON ON WILDCARD

TRANSFERS:

OUT: wildcard

IN: wildcard

I don’t even know what to write here. I’ve done two pods and a three hour stream today largely dominated by my Wildcard team. I’ve said all that needs to be said! Ended up here and feel pretty ok! Let’s go.

GK:

Martinez (ful)

Like him and rate him and hoping the Villains can be a tight ship and get some cleans. Duno.

TBH didn’t put much thought into this spot just gonna go Emi and not use a transfer until maybe second Wildcard popping 30 gameweeksish from now. GLHF Emi!!!

DEF:

van Dijk and Alexander-Arnold (ARS)

Great guys, great friends, and the epitome of set ‘n’ forget geniuses. Also planning on no transfers here until second wildcard. Keep dominating boys. Up the reds.

Dunne (SOU)

Temporary start over Lamptey’s much worse fixture in my opinion. Hail-mary of a Duon clean here and I think Lamptey ends on 0-2 points. Lamps is also sorta knocked so who knows what goes on there.

Maybe Burnley will sell Tark and Dunne’ll be a guy but mostly just fodder for rest of season...

Lamptey in general is my start every week guy and he is the “pressure point” of my squad for sure but also I’ve LOVED the fuck out of him since he came on the scene with Chelsea. He’s just great. Backing the boy.

MID:

De Bruyne and Sterling and Foden (LEI)

Going in big dick swinging with the City triple up for what should be back to back thrashings in Leicester and Leeds where I know I’ll want as much of their attack as possible and, crucially, the arm-band.

Foden minutes should get a large increase with no Kun and no Jesus and Kev and Raz are world class, not much else needs to be said. Going aggressively for the best attack in great fixtures and then we’ll reevaluate going to other premiums etc for future captaincy and what not.

Rodriguez (cry)

Did fuck around with Rich instead of Hamez but I’m just sticking with the extra 0.5 and my guy... I think it’s possible Rich distances himself from Hamez and has the best season of his career but also just Hamez is such a FML FPL player... oozes class, so confident and smooth and sick, just love him, and love owning him. Sticking by the guy. He’s coming for the assist crown lookout Kevin :P.

FWD:

Werner (wba)

Rolling with Timo and the incredible fixtures. He has a three match window to decide what to do with him and I love him for wba, CRY, SOU, so just letting it wash over me. Still rate him very highly and the goals and hauls are just around the corner. We’ll see if they come now or they come later. Willing to risk it for him before moving to maybe Tony or others.

Calvert-Lewin (cry)

So much love for DCL <3<3<3... Don’t think I need to add much he didn’t leave one single tinker for one second. And hasn’t left a tinker since the game opened pre-GW1. Good sign.

Wood (SOU)

Ole faithful. Not sexy. Not new not shiny not smooth or slick or an attacking team or anything. Just consistent and good... If you’re after MoTD highlight reel Vine merchant legendary screamer thunderbastard kinda guy then Wood isn’t the guy for you... But if you’re looking for a cheap guy to just blindly hold for 30ish GWs then hey Chris Wood is your guy. Good numbers, good consistency, great guy. His cheeks are just soooo red. Let’s go.

BENCH:

Anguissa (AVL) - Nailed and good.

Lamptey (MUN) - Gonna start almost every week for me. Great kid, looks incredible, is incredible.

Mitchell (EVE) - Hey. Whatev.

CAP:

Sterling (LEI)

I guess that I’m the only one concerned with Kev getting an elbow to the head? Fine with that.

Maybe Kev gets swaddled up in bubble wrap and subbed off early once this one is done and dusted? I don’t know man it’s enough of a reason to not captain Kev for me... If both guys were 100% fit I’d probably go Kevin here but Raz is also incredible and is actually 100% fit so I’m going Raz.

I expect complete domination and destruction and yeah that’s that. Didn’t really consider anyone else.

Go on City do the thing.

Wildcard team... ya got this.

[fmlfpl]

Lineup Lamentations - GW33+

Our Transfers, Captains, and Starting 11s for the week!

—

WALSH

TRANSFERS:

OUT: Armstrong

IN: Foden

Was close to saving but that isn't fun so I decided to have fun instead. Stu the lad did a job for me when I called on him, and shielded the bench well in the ensuing games, but with rough fixtures incoming he seemed expendable.

Foden is just good and fun and as previously mentioned I'm trying to have fun. I have no clue when he'll start but just making the play based on how he's looked and how easy it was to stick him into my team given my team structure. Not owning any City and avoiding off the restart has been one of my worst calls in a while, maybe of the whole season, so getting someone in feels good. Theoretically he could give Phil all the minutes he can handle so I'll be having some of that.

GK:

de Gea (BOU)

DDG with two cleans in three has been really solid. Banker feels good, get in there Daveed.

DEF:

Maguire (BOU)

The Slabhead double up goes again, and it's been working so far. They are dominating teams and the fixtures make for good reading so I'm fully expecting the cleans to continue to flow.

Doherty & Boly

The Dock and Boly are in for me with Saiss on the bench.

I'm stepping back on the usual treble defense to just run two out against Arsenal which seems prudent. I still envision Wolves controlling the game but you never know up against a team with the firepower of Arsenal if they can nick something.

Unlike dodging City, going all in on ManU and Wolves defense have been a masterstroke with 5 cleans in 6 games just been stacking points. Long may it continue.

MID:

Salah & Mane (AVL)

Mo and Mane..like...fuck. Need a spanking here.

Been getting absolutely ravaged by all the other people with City players while I sit here with the Reds who've been tame in comparison.

Villa home, I am expecting a reaction here. Villa have been tight and good so far, but, they are visiting Anfield with a bunch of actual bad shitehouses on their team with the worst manager in the division. I am expecting a battering here so let's go.

Foden (sou)

New boy Fodeninho is in there, obv sweating the teamsheet for him as it would be not so fun to see him benched for his inaugural game in my team but the counter could be on with the way Soton play so we'll see.

Pulisic (WAT)

Pulisic came in with a couple assists for just falling down last game and looked, once again, the man most likely. Good near term fixtures and with them needing to win every game he seems like a really really good pick for the run in. Just hope he doesn't get hurt.

Fernandes (BOU)

Lastly, Bruno. Good lad.

FWD:

Kane and DCL lead the line with their teams up against each other.

Spurs defending was an actual laugh riot against the Blades last game - Dier's perfect game not withstanding - so I still back DCL.

Calvert-Lewin (tot)

I'm seeing a lot of DCL hate, and ok I get it he blanked thru the restart, but he's still putting up good stats. I just believe in him and really like him. Happy to hold and happy to start no matter who they are playing and unless his price is mental next season it seems difficult for me to imagine him not being in my GW1 team.

Kane (EVE)

Kane...I mean....whatever...he's fine or something. Not exciting, but he's back to playing center forward and involved in their good actions. It's just too bad all of his teammates are utter bags of wank. I am not expecting much this game from him, but with Bournemouth up next, he remains.

CAP:

Salah (AVL)

Rolling with Mo this weekend.

Bruno seems safer but Mo seems more explosive. He's been properly on it lately and has looked really really good...just missing that final ball slightly. No one would be surprised with a hat against Villa and fuck me Livp seem due a pen. As I said earlier, I expect a reaction here after getting fucked by City.

Do it Mo.

—

ALON

TRANSFERS:

OUT: Aubameyang, Saka, Traore, and Son

IN (for -8 points): Connolly, Pulisic, Mahrez, De Bruyne

I mean what the hell...

I had a rough night, hence no pod, and I turned it into a -8 buffet of fuck.

I’m getting the guys who’re pissing me off and the guys who are bad picks the fuck outta my team and getting a ton of last week’s points... Chasing points, never bad right????

But seriously City are destroying every single team for fun and I see no reason for them to let off. Keep’em sharp for UCL and all that... Puli is great and Connolly will mostly ride the bench but has Norwich this week.

There are only six GWs left so I’m going for it. Not gonna play boring and safe in this moment with my shit ass rank.

GK:

Ederson (sou)

Eddy clean vs. Liverpool was pretty unexpected but we take those points I guess. So far hasn’t been worth going expensive keeper (is it ever worth???) but City could pretty realistically clean the next six straight so here’s to hoping for that. Southampton away, Newc home, Brighton away, Bourne home, Watty away, and Norwich home I mean come on...

DEF:

Alexander-Arnold (AVL)

What a cluster fuck that was vs. City just hoping the lads rebound and Trent is in the XI... Neco might get a couple starts for the rest of the season just hoping it doesn’t start now. Should be an easy clean with upside of attacking returns.

Maguire (BOU)

Pzez.

Doherty (ARS)

Dock and Wolves cleans are flying hopefully some attacking returns coming soon. Arsenal can be got at.

MID:

De Bruyne & Mahrez (sou)

Couple new friends, but old friends renewed.

Not having Kev was diabolical as not having Kev often is. On pens now makes him so much more explosive and just straight up great as an FPL option. Seems pretty impossible to ignore his points at this juncture. Also Pep keeps playing him 90′ I duno... Main man, workhorse, probably future captain? He’s great.

Mahrez is sexy and I came out the gates with him but didn’t respect him and ditched for Son. Horrific move in hindsight but didn’t know Spurs would be this trash and Son would be relegated to the Willian role.

Fernandes & Martial (BOU)

Ole sketching me out in his presser makes neither of these guys cap options imo but they’re still great picks and I’m happy to have’em and they should absolutely fuck Bournemouth sideways.

Pulisic (WAT)

Last time I owned Pulisic (GWs 14-20) he put up some incredible points for me: 2, 2, 2, 3, 0, 1, 0 so yeahhhhh gonna be GREAT GUYS HE’S SO GOOD HIS UNDERLYING STATS OMFGGGGG..........

But seriously he’s really fucking good and his stats are too so whatever. Trust the process. But I’m scared. Who knows maybe Fourth of July Pulisic is super-powered...

FWD:

Jimenez (ARS)

Jim’s a consistent fuck but I wish I doubled defense with Walsh and saved a bunch of millions of pounds. The forwards right now are a dumpster fire man fuck me. Come on Jim....

Connolly (nor)

Setting my alarm for really early like 6am (1.5 hours from now LOL) or whatever to see if there’s a lineup leak and O’Conno is in the XI or not... If he’s not starting I think I’ll go Enda Stevens at Burnley over DCL at Spurs...

But hopefully the young firecracker gets a go at the disaster of the Canaries.

CAP:

Mahrez (sou)

As much as reading into minutes played and predicting Pep’s rotation is folly it’s also all we got... Kev has played 90′ in a couple straight and he’s certainly not needed for St. Mary’s clash so I’m skirting him for cap (although in a world where both are nailed I think Kev is the better cap)...

Mahrez seemed to nail himself to “first choice XI” and Jesus is actually trash so I’m hoping he gets in there and gets to terrorize that Soton backline all day on Sunday.

High risk high ceiling high upside let’s get it.

[fmlfpl]

Day 2 / Night 2 of Alon on Wildcard

 - I should’ve called this Diary of a Madman like Guest Jason suggested in Slack but I had already posted it so whatever.

2:55pm EST

 - Some mid-day tinkering for me while video files are being converted and I can’t work until they’re done.

 - Laporte probably doesn’t make sense I mean how many more cleans are Man. City going to get in the foreseeable future then say Sheffield United with their great run of six fixtures? Not many for me. Even though Laporte is so good on bonus and has genuine goal threat the almost two million in savings seems very worth it to me.

 - Spurs are sort of interesting... Hard to decisively figure out how good or bad they are because they’re so inconsistent but they only have one fixture (this GW home to Man. City) where they’ll be genuine underdogs for the rest of the season... Since the Mourinho hiring they’ve been basically level with Chelsea, Man. United, and Wolves and they have been better then Sheffield United, Leicester, and Arsenal so long story short they have a really long run of games where you can start their players... Lloris back also makes me a lot more confident in their ability to keep cleans (never thought I’d say that):

Pre-Mou: 1.35 NPxGA per match

With-Mou: 0.94 NPxGA per match

 - To put those numbers into perspective Liverpool are the best defense in the league so far this season with a 0.96 NPxGA per match... Aurier’s putting up nice assist potential numbers (0.19 xA/90 since Mou came in, ~26th in the league among starters, and 7th among defenders). Son and Dele still putting up big numbers (7th and 12th in the league respectively among starters in NPxG/90+xA/90)... Hmm interesting stuff to fuck with there.

 - Don’t really need a playing backup keeper yet. Once the next doubles come I’ll happily take a hit there to get in someone playing for my Bench Boost. Easy place to save money.

 - Watford are good and in a relegation scrap and have mostly good fixtures. I miss Sarr :(... Deeney has been putting up huge numbers since Pearson’s come in so maybe Deeney should be taken more seriously... I wish Deulofeu were still a midfielder damn... Deeney since Pearson has been in is putting up very comparable numbers to Jimenez and he’s a lot cheaper but in this moment not sure what I’d even do with the money. Although the disparity in ownership is not something to scoff at, I’d be swerving Jimenez in three out of four tough fixtures. But Deeney also meh fixtures...

 - Still hurts me inside to bin DCL and his next two/three fixtures (wat, CRY, ars) because I love him and he’s my boy and he’s been in great form... Might have to keep him and go DCL to Jimenez in GW27. Blah blah life is hard blah blah.

 - Another thing I’m keeping an eye on is who has the exploitable fixtures? Who’s playing all of the worst teams? It’s sort of like bingo just looking through a season ticker looking for Aston Villa, West Ham, Newcastle, Bournemouth aaaand yeah those are probably the four. They’re in the worst defensive form... Southampton play three of the four and Norwich in the next six GWs: Ings √... anyone else? I still don’t like JWP as a fantasy pick. Bertrand putting up pretty good assist numbers, I have him every season at some point. Redmond had his monster haul but I don’t know if I have the Schtones to go there... Hmm...

 - On the same theme Arsenal have three dings of the bell if you increase the fixture range a bit with NEW, WHU, and NOR in their next 8. Sheffield United maybe I won’t go three defenders because god damn their attacking fixtures are absurd with four dings of the bell BOU, (BHA), avl, NOR, new in five successive gameweeks. McBurnie putting up huge NPxG numbers since GW13 (inflated a bit by some sub appearances surely), Fleck has decent numbers where you could use him as a budget 4th mid and feel ok about it - should say that he’s way over-performing his expected numbers in this period so ya know, take it with a grain of salt but he’s still good. And lastly from an attacking perspective Enda Stevens is putting up legit creative numbers. Could see some assist+clean hauls in his near future, we like that a lot.

8:44pm EST

 - Got home from work and went for a run only to come back and see Deeney price rose... wtf that’s annoying. Didn’t see him as being close to rising either I missed it or yet another miss for the price algorithm fucks... ugh

 - Was just talking to some dudes on our Slack and was telling them that I need to go back and figure out what I used to be good at in FPL when I used to get decent ranks and have a lot more fun... It’s been yet again an utter disaster of a season just like last season and I’m here confused and lost and not sure who I even am as a manager... Bad feeling...

 - Not sure if I’ll do much more tinkering tonight but we’ll see after dinner.

10:43pm EST

 - Not in the mood to look at shit anymore. Tired and stressed... See ya tomorrow

 - Alon

[fmlfpl]

Lineup Lamentations - GW17

Our Transfers, Captains, and Starting 11s for the week!

And new Friday My Life episode just came out for subscribers!

—

WALSH

TRANSFERS:

OUT: Lacazette and Ozil

IN (for -4 points hit): Rashford and Martial

Welp - turns out Freddy is not the answer at Arsecast and they have looked diabolical as per over the last couple. That, as well as Laca maybe bombed out and Ozil playing wide and shit and it's just a fucking mess. Experiment was fun while it lasted and I had my yearly enjoyment of owning Ozil but time to turn the page. Hitting them both out feels more than fine and looking at this fixture run for United I'm backing them to continue their momentum and keep doing their thing.

Rash, at this point, is on a Vardy-like run of returns and I couldn't really think of good reasons why that shouldn't continue. We may just be seeing a player mature in front of our eyes here so better late than never is my approach here.

Tony is just an old flame nothing to see here. Very close pick between him and Puli but that's what Friday My Life is for. As Alon put it, which was an excellent reminder, if there's a cheap OOP striker from a top six team in the game then just get that guy and reap the rewards. This was my main reasoning behind starting the season with him and if it ain't broke. Well..until he breaks that is..

GK:

Schmeichel (NOR)

Schmikes second run out for me after obviously not cleaning last game. If they don't clean Norwich I'll be quite sad. Quite sad.

DEF:

Pereira (NOR)

Ricardo looked fucking good against Villa and really should have came away with an assist if not for Barnes profligacy and shithousery...happy to have this lad in the squad and hoping it's the start of a beautiful new partnership.

Alexander-Arnold (WAT)

Trent goes again to cuck me and probably get subbed on 57' after his 50' off the bench display. Cool guy.

Lundstram (AVL)

Lund is home Villa in what is sort of a hard fixture? Idk. Still like running Lundy out in these fixtures against the bottom half without thinking a ton about it.

Might bin him before that tough run in a few gameweeks but for the time being he still looks like a solid bet for attacking returns and shit.

Kelly (BHA)

Saving the best for last..obv..Martin Kelly the god. Nothing to say here as words on a web page cannot describe a God with anything which remotely resembles accuracy, so I won't try.

MID:

Martial (EVE)

New friend Tony has a home banker against Big Dunc's squad. Seems good to me...hopefully it is good to Tony as well. Everton xi still looks a shambles and hoping that a 90′ on tape of what Dunc is doing will be of great assistance to the genius manager who is Ole.

De Bruyne (ars)

Kevin the steady hand has a banker at Arse and I'd be pretty surprised if he blanks. Still feel like he's a very good pick and happy to still have hung on to him.

Son (wol)

Last mid in the trio is Private Swan. He's looked electric under Mou with no end in sight. Get in there swannyboy.

FWD:

Rashford (EVE)

Another new friend Rash up top I don't have to fuck him to hell in slack anymore when he dongs which I'm happy about. Time to be on team Rash and be happy about it.

Vardy (NOR)

Vardz stays boring whatever nothing to talk about there.

Kane (wol)

Kane also is staying..for now. Still feels like a not so good use of money but in this moment and looking at the fixtures it doesn't feel like a good place to use transfers. Yet.

CAP:

Vardy (NOR)

Vardy for me. Going with the "best" option for once. Yay points. Hopefully the rest of my team performs and I can gain on the field in that way since it won't be in this way this weekend.

—

ALON

TRANSFERS:

OUT: N/A

IN: N/A

Following Pod Partner’s advice on Fri and just saving instead of panicking in a Liverpool player or something else insane.

Team is good on paper even with no Mo and no Mané.

GK:

Ryan (cry)

Ryan is the runaway leader for Baseline Bonus Points of all players in the game... Maybe he’ll get a clean from time to time and hopefully the bones follow. I hate keepers.

DEF:

van Dijk (WAT)

Should be a relatively straight forward clean. Stop the one or two chances / counters and just chill and control otherwise.

Lundstram (AVL)

Lundy has stopped shooting which really dents his start-every-week appeal so hopefully he picks it back up soon. If not he will turn into a guy we’re benching pretty regularly with SHU cleansheets coming back down to Earf.

Söyüncü (NOR)

Leicester D should have another easy day at the office here.

MID:

Maddison (NOR)

Been hauling and ticking he’s just good man. At first I shitted on him then I came around on him and transferred him in and then he blanked and it felt bad again and now he’s titting and it feels good again... Anyway points are good and he’s in and around’em.

Alli (wol)

Fixture feels really bad to me. Wolves will play super deep as usual and try to hit Spurs on the break... Maybe it’ll take a moment of Alli magic to break them down?

Pulisic (BOU)

A 6th (including Champs Lg.) blank in a row would really be criminal because he’s playing so fucking well and looks incredible.

Bournemouth are a joke and Chelsea should run them the fuck over.

De Bruyne (ars)

The forgotten man... Still very good. Although he might turn into a Liverpool guy or Son in two weeks I don’t fuckin’ know.

FWD:

Kane (wol)

Yikes. Praying.

Abraham (BOU)

I think he definitely gets a goal here but will he stay on the pitch long enough for more then a goal? I’m not sure.

Vardy (NOR)

Yep.

CAP:

Vardy (NOR)

Sticking with Vardy.

If Tammy was nailed for 90′ I’d probably go there against the diabolically bad Bournemouth but we know how many goals are scored in those last twenty minutes and I want my striker and my captain on the pitch for’em.

Vardy injects Lucozade into his veins at halftime and sprints around for the second 45′. It’s good for points. Would recommend.

—

RANDOM SLACKER OF THE WEEK: WolfgangJones

The words of Random Slacker are not officially endorsed by this website nor any employees of FML FPL LLC.

TRANSFERS:

OUT: McGinn

IN: Grealish

Sideways moves are like a second helping of cake, you know it’s bad for you but you do it anyway. Many gameweeks ago I went for McGinn instead of Grealish and I’ve regretted it ever since. Grealish just feels right for my first bench spot and the occasional start.

GK:

Guaita (BHA)

Two weeks, two cleans, 18 points. Great shout from two pods ago. Palace’s fixtures are looking good for the next while so Guaita should keep getting the cleans.

DEF:

Alexander-Arnold & Robertson (WAT)

At what point does patience become plain stubbornness? Liverpool have kept two cleans in a row and I don’t see a reason why the trend shouldn’t continue this week. Might be getting rid of Robbo next week to free up funds so hopefully he gets me a clean as a parting gift.

Söyüncü (NOR)

Soy is good and Leicester D is good. I’m expecting a clean here this weekend.

Lundstram (AVL)

Sheffield haven’t kept a clean since GW11 but Lundstram is still out of position as fuck. Even if they don’t keep a clean he might get attacking returns so I see no reason not to start him for this one.

MID:

De Bruyne (ars)

I’m not going to lie; I’ve been thinking about getting rid of Kev. But with Arsenal being bad at defending it was hold for at least one more week. I’ll have to reassess next week since he’s the easiest path into either Son or Alli.

Mané (WAT)

Mané has been phenomenal and he should keep it up. Home vs Watford is as tasty a fixture as they come.

Moura (wol)

In hindsight Lucas was the wrong Spurs asset to get but nothing to be done about that right now. Here’s to hoping he proves me wrong.

Maddison (NOR)

Tick merchant will keep ticking. Should get points at home against Norwich. Barring any injuries he’ll be a season hold for me.

FWD:

Jimenez (TOT)

It ain’t much but it’s honest work. I don’t see Wolves beating Spurs but Jimenez should be able to get a goal or an assist.

Vardy (NOR)

If there is one thing we can count on is Vardy getting points.

CAP:

Mané (WAT)

It was a close one between Mané and Vardy but in the end I think Mané has the potential to explode against Watford.

[fmlfpl]

Lineup Lamentations - GW11

Our Transfers, Captains, and Starting 11s for the week!

And if you missed it for subscribers Friday My Life episode just came out!

—

WALSH

TRANSFERS:

OUT: N/A

IN: N/A

I'm on a save this week with CHO as a big problem as well as Pukki but no real straight swap seems good enough to make with zero doll hairs in the bank.

Will just sweat the Chelsea team sheet and hope the chips fall in a place that is kind to my fucks.

GK:

Pope (shu)

Pope been naturally pissing me off lately quite a bit. Discussed how annoying he is but Burnley have four good on paper fixtures so hopefully he will be able to get a few points in this run to rectify his standing.

Certainly doesn't feel like the long long term keeper we had all expected when we put him in the GW1 team. At least not to me.

DEF:

Alexander-Arnold & Robertson (avl)

Still going with double barrel Livp fullbacks Trent and R0bbo.

Been absolutely dying for a clean and this weekend is as good as any for one to come in. Even though they have kept an extremely small shitty number of cleans so far they are still both in the top 5 defender point total and I fully expect them to finish 1-2 in that regard come seasons end assuming health.

Fixtures look good outside of the City game so maybe they'll go on a run of cleans.

Lundstram (BUR)

Alongside is Pointstram of course the legend. Great fixture, back at home, get in there ladstram.

MID:

Pretty straightforward quintet here.

Salah (avl) and Sterling and De Bruyne (SOU)

Mo/Raz/Kevin have been in for a while and will probably stay for a while.

Late twitter fuckery surrounding Mo possibly not having trained all week obviously isn't great but whatever fucking fuck it. Hopefully he is fine as Klopp has said he is. Or he's not and life is great.

Hudson-Odoi and Mount (wat)

Double Chelsea children CHO and Mount go to Twatty in what might be a tough game? Idk.

Twatford look so diabolical and horrendous it wouldn't surprise me to see them get put to the sword against a team with actual attacking quality.

They've been a tight ship recently though so who knows.

FWD:

Abraham (wat)

Same two Tammy and Pukki up top as I have had for the past fair bit.

Pukki (bha)

Really not sure how I keep tricking myself into thinking Pukki isn't a huge fucking massive issue but here I am.

Brighton look like an open game so praying to all hell that he pops up with a return. Just even an assist god bless I'd take it. Just do something you Finnish cuck.

CAP:

Sterling (SOU)

Easy Raz this weekend. Really nothing to discuss. He looks prime and ready to tit, home banker, rested midweek, blabhlabhalh. Get in there Razzybaby.

—

ALON

TRANSFERS:

OUT: Aubameyang & Gunn

IN: Vardy & Gazzaniga

Alright so we’re making some progress here. Putting out some fires. Ok ok ok.

Still have CHO and still have Pukki which is BAaaaaddddd feeeeeelsssss baaaaaaaddddd. But it’s ok. At least Pukki will start and CHO hopefully will start should be fine to tide me over.

Next week maybe a hit to get rid of both we’ll see???

Anyway I’m terrified of Aubz hauling now that he’s free from my grasp but whatever he’s a bad pick and Arsenal are fucking bad... Vardy and Leicester are flying and have the fixtures... And as discussed on Friday My Life Gazz and the money just makes more sense for me and my future moves.

Need that $ in the bank to put out the next fires.

GK:

Gazzaniga (eve)

Alright GAZZZZZ.

Everton are Jekyll and Hyde but I feel like they usually score at home so I’m not really expecting a clean here but it’s certainly possible. Would be cool if Poch plays Vert over Davinson that would make it feel a lot better...

Either way hopefully the save points keep flowing and I can keep Gaz for a long time.

DEF:

Lundstram (BUR)

Lundy in a decent home fixture; we take those.

But don’t be tricked into thinking this is a banker. Burnley are good at attacking now, get with the times.

Tomori (wat)

Don’t love this away but really the way Watford are setup these days with essentially two “attackers” (no strikers) and mostly a super conservative bus the clean should be there for the taking really... Just don’t let them counter and don’t give them set pieces and Chelsea should coast to a clean... Easy right?

Söyüncü (cry)

Nice clean fixture for Soy.

Leicester should be able to strangle Palace to death in this one imo.

MID:

Salah (avl)

This ankle rumor shit is so fucking annoying.

Ugh just hoping he’s fine and shit. I’m already very anxious about it.

Sterling and De Bruyne (SOU)

Fantastic players, fantastic attacking team, home banker. Easyyyyy.

Hudson-Odoi (wat)

Give the boy a start Frank. Come on. Pleasaasasase???

This kid is a problem. Bad / unlucky timing that we brought him in when we did but here we are.

A problem for another GW.

FWD:

Vardy (cry)

Feels great to not have to type some bullshit for Aubz in this slot like I have been doing for weeks in a row now.

Vardy is fucking good and Leicester are good and here’s another good fixture.

Abraham (wat)

Tammy is a little bit off the boil now but really he’s still getting chances and he still looks good to me. He was beyond red hot at the start of the season this is just a normal thing.

Chelsea are still super good at attacking and he’s still nailed so get the fuck in there.

Pukki (bha)

I would take a two pointer at this point. Fucking Pukki AKA Mitrovic.

CAP:

Sterling (SOU)

Really really easy cap this week. Like I said on Friday My Life I don’t even hate a triple cap if you’re feeling it... Yeah yeah “everyone will be on him” but also don’t forget: 60.5% of teams in FPL don’t even own him.

Get the fuck in there Razzy.

—

RANDOM SLACKER OF THE WEEK: HOUSE OF KANE (ON WILDCARD)

The words of Random Slacker are not officially endorsed by this website nor any employees of FML FPL LLC.

TRANSFERS:

OUT: WILDCARD

IN: WILDCARD

After a great start that found me peaking around 10k at GW9, I’m now on four big reds and hovering around 100k. Last week I tried to do the mature and steady thing, making no transfers after a disastrous GW 9 (rank 6m). I was *not* rewarded for my steadfast patience, so naturally I kneejerked my WC on Sunday afternoon.

Biggest issues I wanted to remedy were Ota, Pukki, Kun, Haller, maybe-injured Salah, not having TAA, and a worthless bench. Of course it feels bad wildcarding with two frees but here we are.

My general strategy in FPL is to get on the template as quickly as possible, ride it through the holidays, and then slowly and steadily start to spike differentials through the end of the season. The fact that my WC is very similar to the Slack Hivemind’s bodes well in that respect.

The team feels balanced and good for now.

GK:

Gazzaniga (eve)

It was between Ryan and Gazz and ultimately I went with Gazz because he’s cheaper, has better near-term fixtures, and even if Spurs can’t keep a clean, we now know that he can get 12 saves on a good/bad day.

Think he’s also nailed until 2020, being the clear second choice after Hu-god, not to mention that he *happens* to be from the same town as Poch (Murphy, Argentina - population 3,540).

DEF:

Alexander-Arnold & Robertson (avl)

Going Robbo over Trent to start the season was my biggest regret, so he was the first name in my WC squad.

Doubling with Robbo was easy, especially because I’m going without a Liverpool mid. Having these two gives me a chance at cleans and a steady trickle of offensive cover (if such a thing exists).

Lundstram (BUR)

I’ve had Lundstram since GW1 and he’s not going anywhere.

A nailed 4.0 DEF is a season-long keeper, regardless of team, and Lundy happens to be playing out of position *chefs kiss*. Going with him over Soy this week because it’s home and a better fixture than Palace.

MID:

Sterling and De Bruyne (SOU)

I’ve had Kev all season and he’s good. Barring injury, he’s not going anywhere this year.

I’ve somehow been without Sterling all season, and it’s finally Raz time. Very excited to be adding him when in-form and following a string of blanks.

Mount (wat)

Cheap attacking mid on a top 4 attacking team, easy set and forget.

Martial (bou)

I think the top things to look for in FPL are attacking < 5.0 defenders, a nailed 4.5 forward, and an out-of-position mid on a top team.

Gloves ticks that last box with an elite pedigree and unfulfilled promise to boot. Once Rom was shipped out, Tony became a must-own for me. I think Tony will be a captain option at some point this season.

FWD:

Vardy (cry)

Feels kinda bandwagon-y but an easy one to jump on while the team looks so good ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ... He’ll get his goals.

Abraham (wat)

Haven’t had him yet, glad to be here now. Chelsea attack is legit. Tammy is nailed up top. Let’s go.

Maupay (NOR)

My “fun spot” instead of [generic Leicester midfielder] as a fifth mid, I went with Maupay because every year Walsh picks some guy that no one is talking about, and I think it could be Neil.

The numbers are really good, Brighton looks decent, and I didn’t want to miss out on the best fixture of the season.

BENCH:

Söyüncü (cry)

I’ll be playing a 3-4-3 most weeks, with Soy as my first guy in. Cheap and on a good defense.

Rico (MUN)

< 4.5 defender on set pieces on a nominally-attacking side. Easy bench fodder.

Grealish (LIV)

Along with Maupay, Jack’s the other half of my “fun pick.”

When you watch AVL play he’s the guy with his calves on display, doing everything he can to earn a transfer to Man U in the next year or two.

I’m planning on rotating him with Maupay, which is a new strategy for me. Doesn’t feel great to have a ~6.0 guy on the bench every week, but with the fixture pile-up coming, it might be smart?

CAP:

Sterling (SOU)

I haven’t had him all season, I love him, and I finally get to root for him not to blank.

[fmlfpl]

Lineup Lamentations - GW8

Our Transfers, Captains, and Starting 11s for the week!

—

WALSH

TRANSFERS:

OUT: Haller & Cantwell

IN: Saka & Abraham

Welp - blowing my two frees to get Tammy in and join the cool kids club.

Time to wave the white flag and make the switch I was supposed to do for free before last gameweek. Missed some value and having to blow another transfer does not...how do they say...feel great...but it's okay guys. Right?

Bottom line is Haller just doesn't look like the same FPL asset that Tammy does. Still love Haller and still think he'll trickle in points but when there are others in his price region who look like exploding with points then it's an easy switch.

I am less enthused about welcoming an Emery rotational fuckstick into the team but realistically I needed to find .2m to get Tammy and had the eye of sauron focused on him. I imagine having Saka will become a problem very fast, but hey, a problem for another day. Or so I hope.

GK:

Pope (EVE)

Pope home Everton seems good for a clean these days so hopefully that works out. Not much to say about him other than he's just a steady hold at this point in my team. Still good underlying defensive metrics for Burnley.

DEF:

Robertson & Alexander-Arnold (LEI)

Robbo and Trent have a kind of tricky fixture against Leicester but I don't think a clean is that out of the question. Realistically other than City I feel like Liverpool have a good shot at cleaning any other team in the division at home and with Alisson possibly back let's fucking go here.

Leic will prob just jam the middle of the park and hope Vardy catches something off the counter. Good luck against Virg.

Otamendi (WOL)

Otamendi has home Wolves which is simply a laugh riot fixture after the orange cucks come back from Turkey on Thursday. Seems good.

Lundstram (wat)

With Kevin out I'll be also getting Lundstram in there.

I'm not reallyyyy feeling a clean in this one, but it's at least a good on paper fixture at Watford. Seems fine and he's always a candidate for an attacking return as we know and love.

MID:

Salah (LEI) & Sterling (WOL)

Mo and Raz couple good friends still in there getting the run out once again.

Mo off some points midweek and Raz off a rest both seem delightful in this moment.

Love seeing the momentum around people selling Mo still and long may it continue. Still the best player in the game on a team that looks unstoppable. Playing the long game and not really considering binning.

Mount (sou)

New boy from last week Masonry Mount with another nice fixture as their run of green continues. Seems great.

Saka (BOU)

Finally, new friend little boy Bakary Saka will get thrown straight into my fire.

I thinkkkkkkkk he'll start? Maybe?

He looks actually good so maybe he's going to be new little pet project for Emery.

As long as Laca is out and Ozil is not allowed near the pitch he seems like a reasonable guy. Maybe I get ridiculously lucky and he spikes something in a fantastic on paper fixture.

FWD:

Pukki (AVL)

Pukki has a good home game for the first time since GW2 so hopefully he comes in with some returns. Norwich been good at home for a while so long may that continue.

Abraham (sou)

Abraham straight in and there isn’t much to be said here.

At Soton is sort of a difficult place to go but the way Chelsea have been looking recently and with the potential of CHO incoming makes their engine even that much more enticing to me.

Feels good to get Tammy in and to not have been punished on the points front even though he led the league in xG last gameweek.

CAP:

Salah (LEI)

As discussed on the new Friday My Life pod I'm going with big diff cap in Mo.

Not the best, good, or even kinda good on paper fixture but it's still Liverpool at home and it's still Mo. I am sticking with my pod shout of not feeling great about capping Raz - cue Mendy starting and Raz is playing central forward but hey fuck me - while he's stationed on the sideline.

Mo off a brace...don't think he has Egypt duties...plus the Brodge reunion tour. I mean would anyone be stunned if this is a 4-0? I wouldn't be. As Alon pointed out on the Friday My Life pod edition...anytime Mo at home is a diff like this he should be considered.

—

ALON

TRANSFERS:

OUT: Agüero

IN: Aubameyang

Was very unsure of this move but talking about it with Walsh on the pod made me feel way better about it.

Kun, I never know if he will start, especially after a full run out in UCL, so meh yeah I don’t know. That risk sucks.

Add to that Aubz has the very long run of great fixtures and something I forgot to mention on pod is that I think Arsecast attack will continue to get way better once Bellerin and Tierney get in there so I’m looking forward to that too.

Aubz is an easy long term hold and shoudl be a great returner for me in that time. Come on let’s go.

GK:

Gunn (CHE)

Fucking hell what am I doing here? Funds from Kun to Aubz will fuel a Gunn out move for me.

I’d be pretty pleased with one point on Sunday.

DEF:

Tomori (sou)

I don’t really anticipate an away clean here and with Kante only 50/50 it’s made worse... But it’s possible! Also Tomo Arigato got a nice assist in UCL so maybe he can get himself another attacking return for me.

Lowton (EVE)

Another reasonable clean shout here.

Everton struggle for goals currently and Turf Moof must be the worst place to go to try and rectify that.

I’m hoping for a frustrating afternoon for the Blues and Burnley to do a Burnley on’em.

Lundstram (wat)

Fantastic fixture. I think anything less than 3 points would be disappointing for Wilder away to Watty. A clean is very possible too. Just no glaring huge howlers at the back boys, not this time please!

Kelly (whu)

I’m putting Kelly in here because he will almost definitely auto-sub in for Kevin (who is in my lineup currently).

Sakho is out so I expect Kelly to come back in, and he’s been solid all year.

Away to West Ham is a pretty bad fixture but also Palace tend to play way better away from home so this is by no means a nightmare. Clean points are still in play so I’m just hoping and praying for it.

MID:

Salah (LEI) & Sterling (WOL)

Two best players in the game remain the two best players in the game (maybe Kev overtakes Raz but meh)... Both are home and we all know these two teams cannot be touched in the league so I honestly expect points for both.

Cantwell (AVL)

Hoping Todd is fit enough to start and if he does this should be a good attacking fixture for Norwich. Come on Todd. Just need him to put in his oneish big chance that he’ll get.

FWD:

Aubameyang (BOU)

New lad after being rested in Europa league comes into my side with home Bournemouth on the cards. I’m salivating and he probably is too.

Abraham (sou)

Chelsea and Tammy look great.

Very impressive so far and Tammy has taken a big leap forward to just being a top striker this season. Let’s go.

Pukki (AVL)

Another Norwich dude. This is a huuuuuge fixture for the relegation battle but also just for our confidence in Pukki and Norwich to be keepers in fantasy.

We need a performance. Come on you Canaries.

CAP:

Aubameyang (BOU)

I mean, duh. This is as good an attacking fixture as you can get.

Bournemouth normally do not park and Eddie will think that with Arsenal’s defensive frailties they can get a result in this fixture... He might be right.

But anyway there should be plenty of room on the counter for the Gunners to slice and dice Bournemouth all day long. Serious hatty+ potential in this one for Aubz. Come on baby.

—

RANDOM SLACKER OF THE WEEK: ESPEN

The words of Random Slacker are not officially endorsed by this website nor any employees of FML FPL LLC.

TRANSFERS:

OUT: N/A

IN: N/A

Rolling a transfer this week. Two FTs after International Break is always good, or so they say. No obvious problems in my team except Kev so will do the sensible thing and save.

GK:

Pope (EVE)

Old friend Pope with a nice clean shout home to Everton. Burnley still has a nice run going forward so I’m spending zero energy on this spot atm.

DEF:

Otamendi (WOL)

Great job by me getting Ota in for his GW6 haul.

Bad as he is at football, City’s next four fixtures are very cleanable and he should be pretty nailed for the time being.

Besides, he’s a very exciting player to own being a constant red card shout and a fox in the box at the same time.

Robertson and van Dijk (LEI)

Still on double LIV defense and feeling ok with it.

Robbo the lovely lad, quietly returning in the last four and is going nowhere, but VVD might be on the chopping block with the upcoming fixtures.

Home Leicester will probably be a tough fixture but I’m feeling a 1-0/2-0 kind of game so crossing fingers for a double clean.

Lundstram (wat)

What a legend this guy is. I’ve had him all season and he’s been saving my ass auto-subbing on with two double digit hauls.

Playing him in a good fixture over Soy away to Liverpool seems like a no-brainer. Hoping Sheff U can do the same they did at Everton.

MID:

Sterling (WOL)

Feeling good about Raz in this moment.

With his benching “out of the way” I feel confident he’ll play 90 and hopefully this will be a game where he actually converts his chances. One can dream.

Salah (LEI)

Lots of chatter about removing Mo before their rather dire run of fixtures.

Must admit I’ve been thinking about dropping him, but a -4 to get Aubs or something like that just felt like a classic “come back to bite me in my ass” kind of move.

Sticking with him for now as I can easily see him score a couple vs Lei.

Cue Mane brace.

Mount (sou)

Really happy about having Mount in my team. Integral part of the Chelsea attack and their fixtures are just a sea of green. Not much to think about, just a good value pick.

FWD:

Pukki (AVL)

Norwich doing this whole Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde thing on the road vs at home.

Home against Villa should be a great chance to bring the mojo back, and I’m expecting goals again from the Finnish GOAT.

If he blanks I’ll probably start to look elsewhere for points.

Abraham (sou)

My transfer last week, which of course resulted in 3 big chances missed and a blank.

Oh well, we all knew his efficiency wasn’t sustainable.

He’s been good on the road and Soton can be scored on so expecting great things from young Tammy this week and in the time to come.

CAP:

Sterling (WOL)

Sixth GW in a row with Raz as my cap and this might be the one I’m most confident about.

That scares me, and will probably lead to sadness and existential doubt.

Wolves went full strength in Turkey this Thursday and should get absolutely fucked at the Ethiad... Hopefully a rested Raz will do most of the fucking.

Vice on Mo as per.

[fmlfpl]

Lineup Lamentations - GW5

Our Transfers, Captains, and Starting 11s for the week!

—

WALSH

TRANSFERS:

OUT: Laporte - rip

IN: Otamendi - god help me

Unfortunately I was unable to save off the back of the WC which never feels great, but hopefully making a lateral swap here which frees up 1m to boot.

I don't really imagine this going well, since I have slated Ota for a while, and think he's more or less a red card shout / absolute shit house player generally speaking, but here we are.

If it's a transfer waiting to happen, so be it, but the bottom line is I still want a share in City's defense, I don't trust Everton for cleans still, and something didn't feel quite right going all the way down to a Burnley guy in a spot on my team which I realistically need to start week in week out... Until Pep shows us that he is willing to play anyone not named Otamendi as the LCB with Laporte out then I will just hope and pray he doesn't kill anyone (which would thus kill himself with a ban) and doesn't die. Whatever. Cue Dinho and Schtones at CB tomorrow.

Post international break GW is usually a complete disaster crisis gameweek so I am just simply trying to brace myself for it ahead of time.

GK:

Pope (bha)

Pope is looking good in this moment with the good run of fixtures incoming. He's been just a bit below average with only one return through four but the underlying metrics are looking good for him and hopefully he's just a long term hold guy I don't have to worry about.

DEF:

Alexander-Arnold & Robertson (NEW)

Trent and Robbo with the home banker okay lets go Livp. Early game so much of my mood for the ensuing foots will be decided by these boys. Realistically a win to nil at home against a bad bus feels like a reasonable expectation for this one so hopefully it comes to fruition.

Otamendi (nor)

New nightmare Ota is straight in, obv. Somewhat tricky away fixture for a clean but it's still City so he'll just be an auto start every game until I remove him.

Lundstram (SOU)

Finally, Lundstram gets his first go in my squad home to Soton.

I'm going to be rotating him in and out over the near term so we'll see if this is the beginning of something beautiful between us or the beginning of a fraught relationship that will lead to me hating him for the rest of my life. Time will tell.

MID:

Salah (NEW) & Sterling & De Bruyne (nor)

The trio of Mo Raz and Kev remain and likely will do for some time. Really nothing to say about these three other than they are good. Spots I don't really need to think about at this time.

McGinn (WHU)

Rounding out midfield is someone who is not really that good in McGinn.

Good home fixture with West Ham rolling up so hopefully he is able to get in there. If he looks bad and/or they look bad then I might fuck him off.

He's on a short leash, that's for sure, as he was really the one shit place I compromised on my WC team since I wanted to plump for Laporte... With that money freed up now, no other problems in my team, and a new price bracket open to me... I might fuck him off even if he does return. Who is to say?

FWD:

Pukki (MCI) & Haller (avl)

Pukki and Haller the two amigos seem like just a couple great value picks and happy to have them.

Great fixture for Haller and he might slowly but surely present himself as a long term hold. Stats and eye test are there with him not to mention the price is right - think he's a really tidy option.

Pukki has a tough fixture but as Farke showed us the lightning and thunder in GW1 at Anfield who knows what's what with them. Obviously they are completely decimated by injury, but I need to see multiple bad attacking performances before I begin to worry here.

CAP:

Sterling (nor)

Going back to the Raz well again. Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice, fucking hell fuck me.

Still don't feel confident enough capping Kevin over Raz, and probably won't do all season, if I'm being honest here.

I think Norwich with no fit defensive players (Farke's words, not mine) and the style they employ is not a comparable fixture to a Newcastle bus so I didn't really think about Mo this weekend.

Counting on Raz to not have 0 shot attempts again this week. Obviously the trip to Ukraine midweek for UCL is a thing that is happening, but whatever. 

Trying to predict how Pep hands out minutes is like (insert funny thing here) and I don't really want to find some psychological line to talk me into Raz will play 53 minutes only to see him haul and play 88.

Been there before, not trying to go there again.

—

ALON

TRANSFERS:

OUT: Deulofeu

IN:  Che Adams

Gerry dropped all the way down to 6.2 so there was a relatively small and unimpressive pool of dudes for me to choose from for this punty spot in my team.

Realistically this is a one or maybe two week punt before I pop my Wildcard next week or the week after... Che has actually insanely good expected stats which is nothing to scoff at even though the goals have not flowed at all...

The greater skill to have and the harder skill to find is to keep getting off the high xG shots rather then to be finishing at a higher rate above your xG, if that makes sense... I hope I’ve worded that clearly...

Anyway, TLDR: Che is doing stuff, Southampton are an attacking team in an attacking setup, Ralph is good I like Ralph, and Soton have the fixtures over the next two. And that’s why I went Che.

COME ON CHE!!!

GK:

Ederson (nor)

City gotta clean their shit up a bit if they’re gonna be a 20+ cleans type of dominant force again this season but yeah of course I back them to do exactly that.

Eddy’s been mostly really good this season and I feel comfy with him.

DEF:

van Dijk (NEW)

It’s time for rotation to begin for the top teams... feels good to have the safety of VVD who is a rock. And this clean should be straightforward for Liverpool.

Digne (bou)

I’m a little nervy about Everton’s defending and their ability to limit good chances... Digne kinda papers over the cracks with his terrific attacking output, but if they start looking like cleans are going to be a rarity this season then even his attacking numbers will not make him worth the 6.0+ million.

Maitland-Niles (wat)

Ainsley AKA Ashley was rightfully so very deep on my bench for liv TOT and he put up one pointers in each of those so we’re fine.

In his two starts for me (GW1 and 2) he got twelve and two puntos respectively so he’s still been a sneaky great guy for me thus far... Arsenal’s very long very good run of fixtures starts now but Bellerin also is coming back soon so time is running out.

Hoping Arsenal can do a job and keep out the Quique Sanchez Flores bus this week and maybe he’ll sneak another attacking return. Come on Ashley.

Emerson (wol)

Starting Emmy here because Wolves suck at attacking and Chelsea could still keep a clean and Emerson could still get an attacking return who knows?

Rudi looks like he’s back this week which is a huge upgrade and Kante will be back soon which is another huge upgrade but yeah, not feeling great about this pick.

Also Emerson’s injury news doesn’t look great for me but if he doesn’t play I have Söy coming in in a cleanable fixture at Old Trafford so not too bad.

MID:

Salah (NEW) & Sterling & De Bruyne (nor)

Doing the trendy thing and just grouping these sexy fucks together because they’re all awesome and they have good fixtures and that’s all you need to know about that.

Mount (wol)

Everyone knows the deal with Mount. Looks great, takes a lot of shots, presses like a maniac, on frees and corners, it’s just good stuff. At his price it’s just good.

FWD:

Pukki (MCI)

Pukki in a yikes fixture here we go... Norwich are so fucked up and injured I don’t know I definitely don’t expect any points here but maybe they get one or two good counters or maybe Pukki takes a pen or something. He’s good enough to roll out there, for sure.

Adams (shu)

I said all I needed to say about lord Che in the transfers section.

CAP:

De Bruyne (nor)

I guess everyone has Sterling and a lot of people have Kun and understandably they’re garnering most of the captaincies that I’m seeing around the block.

Kevin, for me, so far this season is on a completely new level that we haven’t really seen from him before. His expected stats are out of control and he’s also got the seventh highest Fantasy Goal Involvement percentage of all mids at 54% which is craaaazy high for a team like City.

For what it’s worth too in the past Pep has rode Kevin like a horse in the league and he’s not really ever been a rotation risk. I feel ~some~ percent safer of him starting these kinds of games before UCL then I do with the forwards.

Come on Kev treat me.

—

RANDOM SLACKER OF THE WEEK: GNAR

The words of Random Slacker are not officially endorsed by this website nor any employees of FML FPL LLC.

TRANSFERS:

OUT: Laporte

IN: Otamendi

I don’t feel like I have too much choice in who to take out this week. Laporte having knee surgery and set to miss the rest of 2019 means he’s an absolute no brainer to axe.

Who to replace him with is a much more interesting question.

I’ve been playing 5 at the back all season and it hasn’t worked out as well as I’d hoped so far. But I do feel like I’ve been unlucky with Laporte’s injury and his missed clean sheet being the icing on the cake.

If I went for a cheapo like Lundstram, there aren’t many midfielders I’d be desperate to bring in with the spare cash, apart from KDB, who is out of my reach anyway. So I’ll be continuing my Heavy D strategy, bringing in Otamendi, who is 5.4 and nailed on in a top 2 defence.

GK:

Leno (wat)

New manager for Watford, so an inevitable new manager bounce.

I have Heaton (WHU) as a rotation option, but the odds point to Leno for the clean sheet, although it’s quite marginal.

DEF:

Digne (bou)

I didn’t watch their 3-2 victory against Wolves but I heard Digne looked defensively dodgy. I did watch their 2-0 defeat to Villa the previous week, and while Everton looked completely toothless and unconvincing, Digne at least offered a bit of attacking threat. I’m not expecting a clean sheet here, but Digne has 9 chances created this season. For a defender, that’s second only to…

Alexander-Arnold (NEW)

14 chances created – 14, compared to Digne’s 9; Trent absolutely wipes the floor.

I took a hit last week to upgrade VVD to Trent and I got an immediate positive net return from it. As well as his excellent attacking prospects, Liverpool also have the best clean sheet odds this week by quite a distance.

Robertson (NEW)

Very good chance of a clean sheet this week and although he’s no Alexander-Arnold, he also offers a very good goal threat.

Maybe I’m guilty of picking and choosing stats here, but out of defenders, Robertson’s 2nd for touches in the box this season (12), which is quite a biggie for me when assessing players’ attacking potential.

Otamendi & Zinchenko (nor)

Welcome to the team, Ota.

With Laporte injured, I expect Ota to nail down a place in the first team. Enough said.

Zinchenko has a bit of a Mendy threat looming, but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. For now, another well priced Man City defender who will trickle points as long as he starts. Lacks the explosiveness of KDB (yeah he’s explosive now) or Aguero, but for 5.5, I’ll take a 6 pointer every 2 weeks for sure.

MID:

Salah (NEW) & Sterling (nor)

Grouping these two together because there’s just not that much to say. The two best players in the game don’t need writing about, especially when their fixtures are as easy as this. The only question is which one to captain.

Mount (wol)

14 shots in total this season, 7 on target, both are the highest of any other midfielder. But with only 5 of those shots coming from inside the box and an xG of 0.82, perhaps he’s a bit opportunistic and has been a bit fortunate.

Mount still feels like a bit of an unknown quantity to me and I haven’t watched too much Chelsea this season, but he’s well priced and there are plenty of other options in his bracket, so happy to see how he gets on over the next few.

FWD:

Jota (CHE)

I always like to plan my ideal transfers a few weeks ahead.

Before the last gameweek started, I was planning Jota to Barnes. Unfortunately Laporte got injured, so my priority changed and Jota stays with me for one more week. And Barnes is now injured anyway, so maybe it’s a blessing in disguise.

Jota is a funny one. He’s scoring for fun in the Europa League, but looking absolute garbage the following Sunday in the Premier League. He was in the squad, but played 0 minutes in Portugal’s 2 games over the IB. I feel like Jota might redeem himself.

Pukki (MCI)

The main man for Norwich.

If they score, there’s a very good chance that Pukki will be involved.

As an Ota + Zinc owner though I’m kind of hoping they don’t.

CAP:

Salah (NEW)

A real coin toss.

Salah and Sterling are both fantastic options this week, like they are every week.

So far, every gameweek I’ve picked the lowest scoring one out of the two. In week 3, I went against my instinct and went for Raz over Mo, which backfired. This week, my instinct is telling me Mo so I’m just going with it.