#author had anxiety and frequently experiences panic attacks

[molten-rainbows]

I got possessed, blacked out and woke up to find this sitting in my drafts.

Enjoy 3k of Wolfwood going through it(tm)! I sacrificed some hours of sleep for this, but it was eating me alive and I just HAD to get it out of my system

[joels-darlin]

Monday Morning - The Aftermath

Chapter 3

Pairings: Javier Peña x f!reader

Warnings: 18+ only. kidnapping/hostage situation, violence, angst, hurt, allusions to rape, mentions of weapons, restraints/being tied up, mentions of injuries, panic attacks, mental health, anxiety, night terrors, lots of fluff though. (I think that's all sorry if I missed any)

Summary: The aftermath of recovering from your traumatic kidnapping comes with some surprising consequences.

Word count: 2736

Author Note: It’s here, the final chapter. I’m not going to lie this was a struggle and writers blocks have been kicking my ass for weeks, apologies to those who have been waiting but hopefully it is worth it! I’ve enjoyed writing my first multi-chapter fic and have learnt a lot during the process, hopefully here’s to many more. Enjoy this cos it’s just pure fluff and lots of soft!Javi (sucker for him). Any feedback is appreciated, thanks all ♥️

This wouldn't be happening without the help of my dearest friend @ladybess-a03 ♥️ Just thankyou, I am forever grateful for all your help, support and encouragement. You made this ending so much better than I had planned and will forever be in your debt!

AO3 Link

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The recovery process would undoubtedly take months, both mentally and physically. But, as promised, Javi was by your side every step of the way. He could tell the physical injuries didn’t bother you anymore, but the mental scars were the ones that hit the hardest.

As expected the first week was difficult. Even though your DEA issued apartments were adjacent to each other, Javi had basically moved in, albeit not straightaway. On one of those nights where he was unable to switch off, drifting in and out from slumber every hour or so, he was woken by the blood curdling screams and hysterical sobbing from the other side of the wall. Knowing it was you straightaway he had bolted from the bed and through the door of the apartment, forgoing the fact that he was only wearing a pair of shorts.

The minute he stepped foot in the room his heart broke, red puffy eyes and tear tracks marring your cheeks - pain and horror evident on your usually happy features. He had noticed since the incident you had become a shell of your former self. A once happy and carefree persona now replaced with sadness and constant fear. Eyes losing their sparkle, replaced with dullness and emptiness accompanied by the dark circles on your pale skin - although to him you still looked beautiful.

That was the first night you had let him hold your trembling frame, staying intertwined until the sun started to peek through the yellowing blinds of the bedroom. It was a new experience for him, the only time in weeks since the heavy ache in his chest had subsided whilst embracing you. From that moment forward he made a vow to never leave you alone in these four walls again. He only left your side for a few minutes the next morning to pack some of his belongings into a hold-all bag, finding them a home in your apartment. ────────

Everything changed after that night, and although you were still in a constant cycle of anxiety and panic attacks, they were not as frequent. Javi had thrown everything into the role of caretaker, working tirelessly to establish a routine aiming to bring some normality back into your life. It was only after some further coaxing that he finally succeeded in getting you to leave the confines of the apartment on a random Sunday, accompanied by him of course.

It was a specific place he had chosen and quite often frequented. Somewhere not far, a small café just down the road, planning ahead in case you changed your mind and wanted out fast. Javi couldn’t help the grin that spread across his cheeks. Admiring as you sat across from him on the rickety, old table, a breath-taking but shy smile adorned your features as you sipped away on a coffee. In that moment his heart stopped.

Javi wasn’t one for long-term relationships and couldn’t remember the last time he was in one, often just paying a visit to one of his many informants for a moment of stress relief. But here you sat in front of him, fingers softly grazing his knuckles across the table, looking happy for the first time in weeks and he was close to crumbling into pieces. Wanting nothing more than to call you his. But he had to wait; you were still too vulnerable.

────────

It was easy to see that you had both slipped into something that could be considered more than friends, even without there being any words yet to be spoken on the matter. The comforting touches between one another increased and evenings were spent curled up on the couch barely paying attention to the TV, not forgetting sleeping in the same bed completely wrapped around one another. Which seemed to keep your nightmares at bay…sometimes.

What you were both unprepared for was the brown Embassy issued envelope that dropped through the letterbox a couple of weeks after the coffee shop. You had come on in leaps and bounds since then, the coffee ‘dates’ slowly becoming something that happened multiple times a week. You’d even managed to go as far as going back to the market where you had first been taken from, albeit for a brief visit, but in Javi’s mind that was steady progress.

All Javi could do was watch as you opened it with shaking hands, spotting the tears starting collecting at your lash line. Taking every ounce of strength in his body to resist pulling you into an embrace, giving you a moment to take in the words on the page.

“They-they- want me back in,” you said. He had waited patiently for you to speak but the words barely came out as a whisper.

“Cariño…” he whispered softly, “If you aren’t ready you don’t have to do anything, I can pull a few strings get you a little longer,” he said, reaching his hands out tentatively and resting them at your waist, calloused thumbs grazing softly at the small amount of exposed skin.

He was furious. Seeing how much progress you had been making and now this, not failing to spot you retreating back into your shell from the moment you had opened the letter. The room was virtually silent, the only sound being the faint banging of footsteps from the apartment above. It was only a few minutes that passed, but they felt like hours, Javi just watching intently as you took a deep breath in before exhaling loudly, sensing that the cogs were turning in your head.

“I-I-think it might be good for me to go…back” you said, and his eyes widened at your response.

“No, sweetheart, don’t rush on their account. It’s barely been two months, fuck them all!” he said, his anger evident from his tone.

“Javi…I can’t stay here locked up in the apartment forever. I’m going to have to get back to real life soon enough,” you said. You were right, as always, eliciting a sigh from him. Moving his arms from your waist he reached out grabbing your hands, linking your fingers with yours.

“Honey, look at me…” he watched as you raised your head, locking eyes with him “…are you sure this is what you want?…You don’t have to make the decision now”.

“No Javi, I do. I want to get my life back on track… I can’t live scared forever,” you said, and he nodded, accepting your reasons.

“I’m with you every step of the way, you got that? Just say the words and we are out of there,” he said, and you couldn’t help but smile at Javi. He’d gone above and beyond for you these last few weeks, and you truly didn’t know where you’d be without his support.

“Thank you, Javi” you said.

He said no more to you on the matter; truthfully, he didn’t need to. You’d made up your mind and he’d never stand in the way of your decision. There was nothing else to say now, but he chose to use his actions instead to convey just how serious he was about supporting you; how serious he was about you. Closing the space between your bodies, he pulled you into an embrace, laying a soft kiss on your hair. For the first time in a long while, Javi was becoming less frightened to show you just how he felt about you. ────────

You going back to work came around faster than expected. Today was the day you were going back to the office and Javi had been dreading it since the letter dropped through the door. As he stood in the bathroom, eyes locked on his pale and clammy figure staring back in the mirror, hands gripping the contours of the ceramic sink, his knuckles practically white and ready to burst out of the skin. He felt it all, the anxiety and nerves coming and going in waves across his chest. All he wanted was to protect and keep you safe from any harm, and today, for the first time since you were rescued, he wouldn’t be able to do that.

You had been quiet all morning, as expected. He didn’t make any extra fuss, giving you the space and time needed to slow pad around the apartment doing your morning routine. He could only observe from the couch, munching on a slice of now cold toast which was threatening to make a re-appearance at any given moment. He didn’t want you back today, it was too soon. But this was your decision, and he had to respect that.

The drive to the office was quiet. Javi tried to distract himself by tapping his fingers on the leather of the steering wheel. Whilst stuck at a red light he took a moment to glance over to your figure in the passenger seat. The dark circles under your eyes caught his attention, knowing full well that you hadn’t slept at all last night, the constant tossing and turning in bed being the obvious sign. He’d done his best to still you, letting you snuggle into him more than most nights. But it seemed like nothing was working, and as such neither of you had a good night’s sleep.

Javi pulled up into his designated parking spot and turned off the engine. You didn’t move to undo the seatbelt, instead sitting rooted to the spot. Javi turned to you, smiling solemnly, and reached one hand out to hold yours.

“Hey…are you alright?” he asked, knowing full well that the answer was a resounding ‘no’, but you’d probably never admit that. Sure enough, he was right, and as you turned to look at him you put on your best fake smile and nodded your head.

“Yeah, I’ll be okay. Just nervous,” you said, squeezing Javi’s hand in yours.

“I can drive you home? Tell our boss you ain’t up to it yet?” he offered, his deep brown eyes staring at you almost pleading, begging for you to grant him permission to do so. But you were nothing if not stubborn, and shook your head.

“Thank you, Javi. But no, I…I need to do this. If not now, when? I don’t want to get into my own head about this too long, or else it’ll just make my inevitable return so much more difficult. I’m still just on desk duty for a while at least, so that’s something,” you said, not realising that the only reason you were being kept at the station was because Javi had basically demanded that be the case. The day after you’d received your letter he’d gone straight into your boss’ office, thrusting the letter on their desk, requesting that you not be put on any missions for the foreseeable future.

“It’s enough that you want her back so fucking soon, the least you can do is keep her out of harm’s way,” he’d said, not even waiting to hear a response before storming out of the office and back to his desk. He’d learn by the end of the day that they had agreed, and you’d be psychologically monitored before being allowed out from behind your desk. He’d breathed a sigh of relief that night, and packed up his things almost immediately to go back home and tell you the news.

“Okay sweetheart, but if you need anything-,” he began before you cut him off.

“I know, Javi. I know. I’ll come and find you,” you said, smiling.

“You better,” he chuckled.

“I always will, Javi. And, listen…thank you. For everything. I know you still don’t think I should go back to work today, but please don’t forget that if it weren’t for you I wouldn’t even be considering this. I owe you everything,” you said, one or two tears spilling down your cheeks. Javi smiled faintly, undoing his seatbelt so he could lean over to you more and brush away the tear tracks.

“Hey, sweetheart, don’t cry. What you went through was horrible, and I’m constantly blown away with how strong you’ve been,” he said. You smiled at him, staring into his deep brown eyes. Eyes that only seemed to soften for you, you’d noticed.

“Will…will you be moving out now?” you asked, biting your lip a little, your voice barely above a whisper. Javi chuckled, getting a little closer so your foreheads could rest together.

“Only if you don’t want me there, hermosa,” he whispered, your lips so close to touching, Javi’s hand still cradling your head.

You pulled back ever so slightly to look at him in the eyes, and Javi thought his heart might burst. He’d completely fallen head over heels for you, but it was only after having spent so much time with you these last few weeks that he’d come to realise this. He wondered how long he’d been harbouring this feeling towards you, but that was in the past now. He just hoped that, going forward, it would be something he could one day express.

Smiling sweetly, your breath slightly shaky, you leant back in towards him. Your lips pressed against Javi’s and you kissed him softly. His eyes widened a little at the contact, not quite expecting this from you, and his heart sped up. Once his brain had caught up with what was going on, he kissed you back, the hand cradling your cheek landing in your hair to keep you close. You smiled against his lips when he kissed you, glad that Javi returned the affection you too had been nursing for the last couple of months, the feelings making themselves known ever since he came to look after you.

He didn’t want to overstep with you, never having expected something like this to even happen in the first place. He pulled back slowly, but kept himself close to you. You smiled, a flush on your cheeks and for the first time in weeks you felt alive. It would undoubtedly take a long time before your desire to be intimate with anyone to come back, but for now gentle kisses could be how you showed Javi how you felt.

“I…I don’t want you to move out, Javi. In fact, I wondered if you’d like to move in more permanently?” you asked, trying your best to hold back a cheeky grin. Javi chuckled, elated that you still wanted him around, but also delighted to see you smiling and laughing again. Slowly but surely you were coming back to him, and he was willing to be patient and stick by you for as long as that took.

“If you’ll have me, sweetheart, then I’ll start packing tonight,” he promised, pressing one final soft kiss to your lips. “Come on, let’s go,” he said, now feeling much less anxious about today.

He pulled back and hopped out of the car, then came around to your side to let you out. Locking the vehicle, Javi thrust the keys in his pocket before leaning down to grab your hand. You interlocked your fingers, and he gave you a small squeeze before heading off.

The two of you walked through the front doors of the DEA’s office, hand in hand still. You smiled at Javi, the first genuine smile you’d done this morning. You were still sleep deprived, yes, but he’d lifted your spirits immeasurably, and for the first time since the kidnapping you were starting to believe that you could do this. Your strength in yourself might still not be back to where it was, but today was the first day where you could see yourself slowly getting back there.

For as long as you had Javi by your side, you’d be okay. It might take a few more weeks, or even months; but he was going nowhere, he never wanted to let you go again now. Together you’d be able to overcome what you’d been through, and that was a future you were excited about experiencing.

[straightuptreatment98]

Anxiety treatment-Common cause and treatment for Adults

Anxiety can be a debilitating condition for adults, impacting their daily lives and relationships with others. While anxiety is a normal emotion that everyone experiences from time to time, if it becomes severe and chronic it can lead to many physical and emotional problems. In this blog post, we will explore the causes of anxiety and its treatment of anxiety so that you can better understand it and start treating your own symptoms.

Stress

Anxiety is a normal emotion that we all experience at one time or another. It is the feeling of worry, nervousness, or fear that can come on suddenly and for no apparent reason. While occasional anxiety is nothing to be concerned about, chronic anxiety can be debilitating. It can interfere with your work, social life, and personal relationships. If you are struggling with such issues you should identify the source of the problem before going with an anxiety therapy online and at clinical help. There are many different techniques that can be effective in managing anxiety. Some people find relief through relaxation yoga or meditation. Others may need medication to help manage their symptoms. If you are struggling with anxiety, talk to your doctor your anxiety symptoms and its treatment options. With proper diagnosis and treatment, you can live an enjoyable and fulfilling life despite your condition.

Mental Health disorder

Anxiety is a normal emotion that we all experience. It's a feeling of worry, nervousness, or fear about what might happen. However, for some people, anxiety can be so severe that it interferes with their daily lives. Anxiety disorders are real, serious medical conditions – just as real and serious as physical disorders such as heart disease or diabetes.

There are many different types of anxiety disorders, including: Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) – Excessive anxiety and worry about everyday life events with no apparent reason. People with GAD may feel anxious about work, school, health, family, or money. Panic Disorder – Recurrent unexpected panic attacks accompanied by physical symptoms such as heart palpitations, sweating, shaking, shortness of breath, chest pain, or dizziness. A person with panic disorder may avoid situations where they have had a panic attack or may start to worry about having another attack. Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) – Intense fear of being judged by others or embarrassing oneself in social situations such as talking to people in authority (bosses, teachers), public speaking performances ,or dating/romantic relationships . A person with SAD may avoid social situations altogether and require exposure therapy for anxiety treatment in California.

Genetically

Anxiety is a normal emotion that we all experience at different times in our lives. However, for some people, anxiety can become more intense and frequent, and can start to interfere with their daily lives. When this happens, it’s important to seek out OCD treatment for adult near me in California on Google search console. There are many different causes of anxiety, and it can often be hard to pinpoint the exact cause of your anxiety. However, if you have a family history of anxiety or other mental health disorders, you may be more likely to experience anxiety yourself. Additionally, certain life events or experiences (such as trauma or stress) can trigger anxiety. While there is no one-size-fits-all approach to treating anxiety, there are many effective treatments available. Often, a combination of therapies is most successful in managing anxiety. If you’re struggling with anxiety, reach out Straight Up treatment for anxiety and metal disorder.

[cecebeanie]

Absolutely, but I'm sure you know that sometimes, a creator accidentally includes details like the ones we're talking about here accidentally, because they didn't know about them in the first place, but would have agreed to make them "canon", as you say, if they had known. A famous example is Alice Oseman, who wrote an obviously asexual character before actually knowing what asexuality was, but when that was pointed out realized the character was asexual (and so was she, but that's unrelated to this discourse, I'm not saying anything about the creators). So, what I'm saying is that even if the creator didn't consider Yuuri not being allosexual, they might have developed him like that unintentionally. Since asexuality is still not a well-known topic, it's possible the author will never know about it, but it's a fact that Yuuri IS is very ace-coded.

About the anxiety, I have it too, and I know what a panic attack is, I experience them frequently. I've also studied psychiatry, and I identify the one we witness in the anime as the start of a panic attack. It might not be chronic anxiety maybe (even though I would disagree, as we've been told how Yuuri copes with it), but that's pretty clearly anxiety. So again, maybe it wasn't thought of as that, but the viewers are allowed to recognize patterns in what they're seeing. YOI has been praised repeatedly for its accurate portrayal of anxiety, even if the creator didn't consider it, this is very important.

Also, we're not talking about virginity, we're talking about asexuality.

To be honest, I'm not loving how you say "a 100% pure and innocent asexual virgin with a mental disorder", I'm sure you can see how that can be offensive for an asexual person to hear, the op of the post is clearly not claiming this, nor am I (and I would never talk like this about an asexual person, never.). And if Yuuri was, what would be wrong with that? Despite you apparently using these terms as insults, none of them are.

Anyway, as I said, the point the op is making with this post is that the exploration of the concept of Eros in the anime is not the exploration a person who experiences sexual attraction would do. Because Yuuri literally doesn't know what sexual attraction is. This is not a stretch; this is what the anime says. Yuuri has to resolve to thinking about food to explain to himself the feelings of sexual attraction, that's a very ace thing to do. This is not something someone who knows what that is would do, I'm sorry.

And again, everything you say is valid for an asexual person, because none of that has anything to do with sexual attraction. None of us here is talking about virginity, again. It's not the point of the post, it's not the point of the anime, I don't understand why you keep bringing it up.

If you're interested about it, the op wrote a super interesting post about types of attraction, I have the feeling like you might need to read it.

If you have any doubt that it's only the op and me who see this, look at the reblogs. Look at what the ace people say. We all notice this, because we know this and we recognize it. None of us ever thought about Yuuri being ace or a virgin as a way of diminishing it, and if this is not your intention in using those terms please clarify it, because your response comes off as offensive, to be honest.

On not getting eros

I’ve discussed Yuuri not getting eros multiple times, but I never explained what it actually means because this subject seems to be a sensitive and controversial one either way. Yet, it's also an important one for quite a number of reasons I will come back to later.

And that's why we need to discuss it.

First: What is eros? - a very short trip back in time

YOI explains eros as “sexual love”, matching the Ancient Greek definition as “sensual or passionate love” from which the term “erotic” is derived. Classical philosophers described it as a “madness from the gods” that befalls people at the sight of another person with disastrous results (e.g. the story of Paris and Helena). In YOI, this “madness” equates to “what causes you to lose the ability to make normal decisions”.

(The definition of eros varied a lot over the centuries. Plato defined eros as a general concept of passion that excludes physical attraction and argued that it can be utilised to pursue intellectual interests. Freud insisted that eros is not to be confused with libido, and the Catholic Church’s definition had a huge influence on more modern definitions and not for the better.)

What the ancient Greeks called eros is nowadays known as sexual attraction. Classical philosophers probably didn’t make the distinction towards romantic attraction since the two are often conflated. However, describing eros as a “madness from the gods” points towards a primal instinct that the majority of humans experiences starting from when the body begins to produce sex hormones during puberty.

What this implies for Yuuri

As an adult male of 23, Yuuri is long past puberty. Thus, one would expect him to understand eros on an intuitive level. However, what makes him lose the ability to make normal decisions is not the sight of another human being, not even his celebrity crush parading in front of him like a Greek god—no, it's his favourite food. And there’s only one explanation why that is:

So far, Yuuri has not experienced sexual attraction.

No anxiety disorder, no feelings of inadequacy, no lack of self-esteem, and certainly not an alleged ability to restrain himself can explain this absolute cluelessness about a basic human instinct. It cannot explain why Yuuri is immune to the sight of naked Viktor, i.e. why that doesn't make him want to bent Viktor over the edge of the hot spring and do unspeakable things to him. And this brings us to the critical part of the discussion:

Yuuri is on the asexual spectrum.

Where on that spectrum he could be, I'm going to discuss in a minute.

Yuuri is well aware that at his age the general populace is able to express eros and that by extension, he is excpected to and should be able to express it, too. In his first attempt at tackling eros, he uses his favourite food as a workaround, but if he had no particular food cravings, literally anything he’s passionate about would work, too (it took me ages to figure that out because, personally, I rather roll with Plato than food metaphors). Yuuri keenly feels that katsudon isn’t it, though. He thus changes the protagonist of the story he made up for his SP because he relates to the woman’s situation more than to the playboy, which works fairly well because it reflects his fears about Viktor leaving and his desire to keep Viktor for himself (see also this meta). However, it takes him until episode 6 to find his eros, and this eros is a very possessive and commanding one (see also this this meta). Essentially, episode 6 is about Yuuri learning that he is indeed capable of seducing Viktor with his skating and this ability comes with a certain power that is reflected in his scores. He doesn't magically experience sexual attraction now—what happens here has all the qualities of a kink with dominance/possessiveness, which Viktor seem to like a lot.

That Yuuri is asexual is essential for the plot of Yuri!!! on Ice to work.

Which asexual microlabels are compatible with canon Yuuri?

Aside from a few subtle hints, this is pretty much open to interpretation. The tie-grab in episode 8 and the strong sexual tension in that scene narrows the list down to demisexual, greysexual, or sex-favourable ace.

A demisexual Yuuri would experience sexual attraction once he has formed a close bond with another person or got to know them intimately enough. Before Viktor, Yuuri struggled to form close relationships of any kind; Viktor is the first he wants to form a bond with and whom he lets into his heart. In this context, episode 6 could be interpreted as the very first time Yuuri experiences sexual attraction.

A greysexual Yuuri would be capable of experiencing sexual attraction sometimes and in certain situations, but again, the point when Yuuri perfects eros defines the earliest instant at which he would experience sexual attraction for the first time.

The likeliest interpretation that I found, however, is that Yuuri is a sex-favourable ace. It’s not only the tie-grab in episode 8 that besides its obvious kinkiness oozes a sexual tension that implies that he and Viktor did it (and liked it), but also the lyrics of Stammi Vicino describing viktuuri on a meta level:

Le tue mani, le tue gambe, le mie mani, le mie gambe, i battiti del cuore si fondono tra loro. Your hands, your legs, my hands, my legs and the heartbeats are fusing together.

This line expresses a unification on a physical and on a mental level. It implies a strong physical intimacy that can't be explained by Yuuri and Viktor being together and skating together in the gala alone.

The differences between these microlabels are hidden in the nuances, the rest is up to personal preference/experience. If you want your Yuuri to be canon-compliant, you can't go wrong with either flavour of aceness, including those I didn't discuss because they seem less likely to me. If you came to the conclusion that a sex-repulsed kinky Yuuri would work just as well, my answer to you would be that canon Viktor would be happy with everything his Yuuri is willing to give. If there's a fictional couple who would make a relationship in which one partner in sex-repulsed and the other is allosexual work, it would be viktuuri.

Next some questions I wish someone had explained to me in this context:

Q&A: But why does Yuuri...?

dry-hump Viktor at the Sochi banquet: If the amount of clothes Yuuri wears gives away the timeline of the event, he danced with Viktor before he went off to the pole with Chris. Some of this dancing was quite physically and that can be totally enough to make a sensitive person horny (and Yuuri is very sensitive to touch). Add an unholy amount of alcohol to this and you have Yuuri rubbing his genitals at his idol. (note that libido ≠ sexual attraction)

say that Viktor could impregnate everyone, including him: Being asexual doesn’t deprive you of the ability to identify sexiness in other people and understanding the meaning of “hot”. Viktor demonstrating Eros right in front of Yuuri would instantly put Yuuri into a massive swoon, and while it wouldn't make him horny and want to fuck Viktor, he would be be swept away because of how cool and amazing Viktor is.

hastily turns away when Viktor stretches in front of him in the bath: Well, that's an obvious reaction of discomfort. Not everyone would be happy to stare right at someone else's dick (unless you love dicks, obviously).

On a side note, I find it quite ironic that Morooka calls Yuuri “Japan’s ace skater” in the Blu-ray subs, but aside from the fact that things one character says about another should always be taken with a grain of salt, deriving a character’s sexuality from such wording is as far-fetched as deriving it from colour schemes or characters blushing at one another (and in YOI, they blush like all. the. time.). I have no idea if the YOI creators intended an asexual reading of Yuuri. However, the result is an unambiguously ace-coded Yuuri that is needed for the story of Yuri!!! on Ice to work.

Why this discussion is overdue

Good ace representation: Although it's not officially confirmed, Yuuri is a realistic representation of a queer label that is often overlooked and underrepresented in media.

Educational purposes: There are many harmful misconceptopns surrounding asexuality, and while this post doesn't aim at dispelling them, I hope it will make a little difference.

Spreading awareness: Because there is so little awareness about what it means to be asexual—even inside the queer community—the ace-coding is only obvious for people who have educated themselves on the subject. Unfortunately, this makes Yuuri being prone to mischaracterisation.

Helping people figure themselves out: Asexuality is a concept that is very hard to make sense of when you don't even know that you experience things differently. I've seen posts discussing ace-coded characters and they only confused the hell out of me. I hope that this post will be helpful to other people being unaware of or questioning their aceness.

Last but not least: Not being sexually attracted to people doesn't impact or contradict Yuuri's romantic orientation. I will discuss Yuuri's "top-secret" love life in my next meta.

For further reading about Yuuri and his endeavours to tackle eros, please check out these metas:

How skating to eros despite not getting it showcases Yuuri's extreme bravery (episode 3) [X]:

Yuuri finally finding the definition of eros that works for him (episode 6) [X]

The development of On Love: Eros throughout the series, including the a discussion of the workarounds Yuuri uses: [X]

My special thanks goes to cecebeanie for our countless discussions on the subject and patiently answering even my stupidest questions, for proofreading, and for encouraging me to write this post in the first place 💜💙

If you like my metas, please check out my works on AO3.

[howwelldoyouknowyourmoon]

Religious Trauma Syndrome: How Some Organized Religion Leads to Mental Health Problems

By Valerie Tarico

Marlene Winell interviewed March 25, 2013

At age sixteen I began what would be a four year struggle with bulimia. When the symptoms started, I turned in desperation to adults who knew more than I did about how to stop shameful behavior—my Bible study leader and a visiting youth minister.  “If you ask anything in faith, believing,” they said. “It will be done.” I knew they were quoting [3] the Word of God. We prayed together, and I went home confident that God had heard my prayers. But my horrible compulsions didn’t go away. By the fall of my sophomore year in college, I was desperate and depressed enough that I made a suicide attempt. The problem wasn’t just the bulimia. I was convinced by then that I was a complete spiritual failure. My college counseling department had offered to get me real help (which they later did). But to my mind, at that point, such help couldn’t fix the core problem: I was a failure in the eyes of God. It would be years before I understood that my inability to heal bulimia through the mechanisms offered by biblical Christianity was not a function of my own spiritual deficiency but deficiencies in Evangelical religion itself.  

Dr. Marlene Winell is a human development consultant in the San Francisco Area. She is also the daughter of Pentecostal missionaries. This combination has given her work an unusual focus. For the past twenty years she has counseled men and women in recovery from various forms of fundamentalist religion including the Assemblies of God denomination in which she was raised. Winell is the author of Leaving the Fold – A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving their Religion [4], written during her years of private practice in psychology. Over the years, Winell has provided assistance to clients whose religious experiences were even more damaging than mine. Some of them are people whose psychological symptoms weren’t just exacerbated by their religion, but actually caused by it.  

Two years ago, Winell made waves by formally labeling what she calls “Religious Trauma Syndrome” (RTS) and beginning to write and speak on the subject for professional audiences. When the British Association of Behavioral and Cognitive Psychologists published a series of articles on the topic, members of a Christian counseling association protested what they called excessive attention to a “relatively niche topic.” One commenter said, “A religion, faith or book cannot be abuse but the people interpreting can make anything abusive.”

Is toxic religion simply misinterpretation? What is religious trauma? Why does Winell believe religious trauma merits its own diagnostic label?

Let’s start this interview with the basics. What exactly is religious trauma syndrome?

Winell: Religious trauma syndrome (RTS) is a set of symptoms and characteristics that tend to go together and which are related to harmful experiences with religion. They are the result of two things: immersion in a controlling religion and the secondary impact of leaving a religious group. The RTS label provides a name and description that affected people often recognize immediately. Many other people are surprised by the idea of RTS, because in our culture it is generally assumed that religion is benign or good for you. Just like telling kids about Santa Claus and letting them work out their beliefs later, people see no harm in teaching religion to children.

But in reality, religious teachings and practices sometimes cause serious mental health damage. The public is somewhat familiar with sexual and physical abuse in a religious context. As Journalist Janet Heimlich has documented in, Breaking Their Will, Bible-based religious groups that emphasize patriarchal authority in family structure and use harsh parenting methods can be destructive.

But the problem isn’t just physical and sexual abuse. Emotional and mental treatment in authoritarian religious groups also can be damaging because of 1) toxic teachings like eternal damnation or original sin 2) religious practices or mindset, such as punishment, black and white thinking, or sexual guilt, and 3) neglect that prevents a person from having the information or opportunities to develop normally.

Can you give me an example of RTS from your consulting practice?

Winell: I can give you many. One of the symptom clusters is around fear and anxiety. People indoctrinated into fundamentalist Christianity as small children sometimes have memories of being terrified by images of hell and apocalypse before their brains could begin to make sense of such ideas. Some survivors, who I prefer to call “reclaimers,” [8] have flashbacks, panic attacks, or nightmares in adulthood even when they intellectually no longer believe the theology. One client of mine, who during the day functioned well as a professional, struggled with intense fear many nights. She said,

“I was afraid I was going to hell. I was afraid I was doing something really wrong. I was completely out of control. I sometimes would wake up in the night and start screaming, thrashing my arms, trying to rid myself of what I was feeling. I’d walk around the house trying to think and calm myself down, in the middle of the night, trying to do some self-talk, but I felt like it was just something that – the fear and anxiety was taking over my life.” Or consider this comment, which refers to a film [9] used by evangelicals to warn about the horrors of the “end times” for nonbelievers.

“I was taken to see the film “A Thief In The Night”. WOW.  I am in shock to learn that many other people suffered the same traumas I lived with because of this film. A few days or weeks after the film viewing, I came into the house and mom wasn’t there. I stood there screaming in terror. When I stopped screaming, I began making my plan: Who my Christian neighbors were, who’s house to break into to get money and food. I was 12 years old and was preparing for Armageddon alone.”

In addition to anxiety, RTS can include depression, cognitive difficulties, and problems with social functioning. In fundamentalist Christianity, the individual is considered depraved and in need of salvation. A core message is “You are bad and wrong and deserve to die.” (The wages of sin is death [10].) This gets taught to millions of children through organizations like Child Evangelism Fellowship [11] and there is a group organized [12]  to oppose their incursion into public schools.  I’ve had clients who remember being distraught when given a vivid bloody image of Jesus paying the ultimate price for their sins. Decades later they sit telling me that they can’t manage to find any self-worth.

“After twenty-seven years of trying to live a perfect life, I failed. . . I was ashamed of myself all day long. My mind battling with itself with no relief. . . I always believed everything that I was taught but I thought that I was not approved by God. I thought that basically I, too, would die at Armageddon.

“I’ve spent literally years injuring myself, cutting and burning my arms, taking overdoses and starving myself, to punish myself so that God doesn’t have to punish me. It’s taken me years to feel deserving of anything good.”

Born-again Christianity and devout Catholicism [13] tell people they are weak and dependent, calling on phrases like “lean not unto your own understanding [14]” or “trust and obey [11].” People who internalize these messages can suffer from learned helplessness. I’ll give you an example from a client who had little decision-making ability after living his entire life devoted to following the “will of God.” The words here don’t convey the depth of his despair.

“I have an awful time making decisions in general. Like I can’t, you know, wake up in the morning, “What am I going to do today?” Like I don’t even know where to start. You know all the things I thought I might be doing are gone and I’m not sure I should even try to have a career; essentially I babysit my four-year-old all day.”

Authoritarian religious groups are subcultures where conformity is required in order to belong. Thus if you dare to leave the religion, you risk losing your entire support system as well.

“I lost all my friends. I lost my close ties to family. Now I’m losing my country. I’ve lost so much because of this malignant religion and I am angry and sad to my very core. . . I have tried hard to make new friends, but I have failed miserably. . . I am very lonely.”

Leaving a religion, after total immersion, can cause a complete upheaval of a person’s construction of reality, including the self, other people, life, and the future. People unfamiliar with this situation, including therapists, have trouble appreciating the sheer terror it can create.

“My form of religion was very strongly entrenched and anchored deeply in my heart. It is hard to describe how fully my religion informed, infused, and influenced my entire worldview. My first steps out of fundamentalism were profoundly frightening and I had frequent thoughts of suicide. Now I’m way past that but I still haven’t quite found “my place in the universe.”

Even for a person who was not so entrenched, leaving one’s religion can be a stressful and significant transition.

Many people seem to walk away from their religion easily, without really looking back. What is different about the clientele you work with?

Winell: Religious groups that are highly controlling, teach fear about the world, and keep members sheltered and ill-equipped to function in society are harder to leave easily. The difficulty seems to be greater if the person was born and raised in the religion rather than joining as an adult convert. This is because they have no frame of reference – no other “self” or way of “being in the world.” A common personality type is a person who is deeply emotional and thoughtful and who tends to throw themselves wholeheartedly into their endeavors. “True believers” who then lose their faith feel more anger and depression and grief than those who simply went to church on Sunday.

Aren’t these just people who would be depressed, anxious, or obsessive anyways?

Winell: Not at all. If my observation is correct, these are people who are intense and involved and caring. They hang on to the religion longer than those who simply “walk away” because they try to make it work even when they have doubts. Sometimes this is out of fear, but often it is out of devotion. These are people for whom ethics, integrity and compassion matter a great deal. I find that when they get better and rebuild their lives, they are wonderfully creative and energetic about new things.

In your mind, how is RTS different from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder?

Winell: RTS is a specific set of symptoms and characteristics that are connected with harmful religious experience, not just any trauma. This is crucial to understanding the condition and any kind of self-help or treatment. (More details about this can be found on my Journey Free [15] website and discussed in my talk [16] at the Texas Freethought Convention.)

Another difference is the social context, which is extremely different from other traumas or forms of abuse. When someone is recovering from domestic abuse, for example, other people understand and support the need to leave and recover. They don’t question it as a matter of interpretation, and they don’t send the person back for more. But this is exactly what happens to many former believers who seek counseling. If a provider doesn’t understand the source of the symptoms, he or she may send a client for pastoral counseling, or to AA, or even to another church. One reclaimer expressed her frustration this way:

“Include physically-abusive parents who quote “Spare the rod and spoil the child” as literally as you can imagine and you have one fucked-up soul: an unloved, rejected, traumatized toddler in the body of an adult. I’m simply a broken spirit in an empty shell. But wait...That’s not enough!? There’s also the expectation by everyone in society that we victims should celebrate this with our perpetrators every Christmas and Easter!!”

Just like disorders such as autism or bulimia, giving RTS a real name has important advantages. People who are suffering find that having a label for their experience helps them feel less alone and guilty. Some have written to me to express their relief:

“There’s actually a name for it! I was brainwashed from birth and wasted 25 years of my life serving Him! I’ve since been out of my religion for several years now, but I cannot shake the haunting fear of hell and feel absolutely doomed. I’m now socially inept, unemployable, and the only way I can have sex is to pay for it.”

Labeling RTS encourages professionals to study it more carefully, develop treatments, and offer training. Hopefully, we can even work on prevention.

What do you see as the difference between religion that causes trauma and religion that doesn’t?

Winell: Religion causes trauma when it is highly controlling and prevents people from thinking for themselves and trusting their own feelings. Groups that demand obedience and conformity produce fear, not love and growth. With constant judgment of self and others, people become alienated from themselves, each other, and the world. Religion in its worst forms causes separation.

Conversely, groups that connect people and promote self-knowledge and personal growth can be said to be healthy. The book, Healthy Religion [17], describes these traits. Such groups put high value on respecting differences, and members feel empowered as individuals.  They provide social support, a place for events and rites of passage, exchange of ideas, inspiration, opportunities for service, and connection to social causes. They encourage spiritual practices that promote health like meditation or principles for living like the golden rule. More and more, non-theists are asking [18] how they can create similar spiritual communities without the supernaturalism. An atheist congregation [19] in London launched this year and has received over 200 inquiries from people wanting to replicate their model.

Some people say that terms like “recovery from religion” and “religious trauma syndrome” are just atheist attempts to pathologize religious belief.

Winell: Mental health professionals have enough to do without going out looking for new pathology. I never set out looking for a “niche topic,” and certainly not religious trauma syndrome. I originally wrote a paper for a conference of the American Psychological Association and thought that would be the end of it. Since then, I have tried to move on to other things several times, but this work has simply grown.

In my opinion, we are simply, as a culture, becoming aware of religious trauma. More and more people are leaving religion, as seen by polls [20] showing that the “religiously unaffiliated” have increased in the last five years from just over 15% to just under 20% of all U.S. adults. It’s no wonder the internet is exploding with websites for former believers from all religions, providing forums [21] for people to support each other. The huge population of people “leaving the fold” includes a subset at risk for RTS, and more people are talking about it and seeking help.  For example, there are thousands of former Mormons [22], and I was asked to speak about RTS at an Exmormon Foundation conference.  I facilitate an international support group online called Release and Reclaim [23]  which has monthly conference calls. An organization called Recovery from Religion, [24] helps people start self-help meet-up groups

Saying that someone is trying to pathologize authoritarian religion is like saying someone pathologized eating disorders by naming them. Before that, they were healthy? No, before that we weren’t noticing. People were suffering, thought they were alone, and blamed themselves.  Professionals had no awareness or training. This is the situation of RTS today. Authoritarian religion is already pathological, and leaving a high-control group can be traumatic. People are already suffering. They need to be recognized and helped. _______________________________

Statistics update:

Numbers of American ‘nones’ continues to rise

October 18, 2019

By David Crary – Associated Press

The portion of Americans with no religious affiliation is rising significantly, in tandem with a sharp drop in the percentage that identifies as Christians, according to new data from the Pew Research Center. …

Pew says all categories of the religiously unaffiliated population – often referred to as the “nones” grew in magnitude. Self-described atheists now account for 4% of U.S. adults, up from 2% in 2009; agnostics account for 5%, up from 3% a decade ago; and 17% of Americans now describe their religion as “nothing in particular,” up from 12% in 2009.

https://www.csmonitor.com/USA/Society/2019/1018/Numbers-of-American-nones-continues-to-rise

_______________________________

Marlene Winell interviewed by Valerie Tarico on recovering from religious trauma Uploaded on January 31, 2011

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIfABmbqSMA

24:12

On Moral Politics, a TV program with host Dr. Valerie Tarico, Marlene Winell describes the trauma that can result from harmful experiences with religious indoctrination. Dr. Winell explains that mental health issues are widespread and need to be understood just as we understand PTSD. There are steps to recovery, treatment modalities, and resources available as well. She now refers to this as RTS or Religious Trauma Syndrome. _______________________________

Links:
 
[3] https://www.biblestudyonjesuschrist.com/pog/ask1.htm 
[4] https://marlenewinell.net/leaving-fold-former 
[8] https://journeyfree.org/article/reclaimers/ 
[9] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Thief_in_the_Night_%28film%29 
[10] https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+6%3A23&version=KJV 
[11] https://valerietarico.com/2011/02/04/our-public-schools-their-mission-field/ 
[12] http://www.intrinsicdignity.com/ 
[13] https://www.maryjohnson.co/an-unquenchable-thirst/ 
[14] https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs+3%3A5-6&version=KJV [15] https://journeyfree.org/category/uncategorized/ [16] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qrE4pMBlis 
[17] https://www.amazon.com/Healthy-Religion-Psychological-Guide-Mature/dp/1425924166 [18] https://www.humanistchaplaincy.org/ [19] https://www.christianpost.com/news/london-atheist-church-model-looking-to-expand-worldwide-91516 [20] https://www.pewforum.org/2012/10/09/nones-on-the-rise/ 
[21] https://new.exchristian.net/ 
[22] https://www.exmormon.org/ 
[23] https://journeyfree.org/group-forum/ [24] https://www.recoveringfromreligion.org/

_____________________________________

Get God’s Self-Appointed Messengers Out of Your Head

Valerie Tarico Which buzz phrases from your past are stuck in your brain? “God’s messengers” were all real complicated people with biases, blind spots, favorite foods and morning breath. They were not gods and they are not you. So how can you get them out of your head or at least reduce them to muffled background noise?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElfyYA420F0

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #337

“if i showed you my soul, would you cover your eyes?”

What's your favorite brand of chips? I like Lays best. Are you a good painter? My Painting teacher when I was in college last said I did wonderfully, but I definitely beg to differ. Before buying a car, do you usually test drive it? N/A Have you ever written a poem and then read it aloud? No, but a teacher has. It was so fucking awkward; it was very pacifist, the topic being about war, and it had some depressing tones of death; there was just silence at the end of it, and I still don't know if it was shock or "what the fuck, she's messed up." There was this one guy that went, "Nobody is going to clap at that?", though, which I thought was pretty nice and reassuring. Do you like pineapple? Yeah, I do. Have you ever met your favorite author? I don't have a favorite author. Have you and your best friend ever liked the same person? No. Do you have any freckles? Not on my face (though oddly enough, I did as a kid?), but on random parts of my body. How many different languages can you say goodbye in? English, German, and then Spanish. Do you like or hate the smell of fish? I hate it. Have you ever been to Sea World? As a child, yes. I'd never go as an adult. Do you know someone who suffers from short-term memory loss? I don't know how this is actually diagnosed, but my memory is absolutely fucking nightmarish, almost exclusively in short-term situations. I can remember the most obscure events from my childhood, but not what I said to you five seconds prior. I'm rather sure my medications have made it worse over time. Have you ever read any of John Green's books? I got like, one chapter or less into The Fault in Our Stars before the book got replaced with the Wings of Fire series, so I never finished it. Are you a protective person? I'm an immensely protective person over those that matter to me. Have you ever experienced an earthquake? No, thankfully. I'm terrified of earthquakes. What's one thing that makes everything in life worthwhile? The fact that to our proven knowledge, this is the only one we'll ever experience. What type of waffles do you like? (Plain, blueberry etc..) I prefer plain, but I can eat chocolate chip ones as well as blueberry and strawberry. Have you ever seen the show Wife Swap? Yeah, I actually quite like it. Do you like chicken or beef better? Or do you not eat meat? Chicken, I think. I eat meat, but wish I didn't. What brand of dish soap do you use? Dawn, usually. Do any of your neighbors have dogs? Yes, and they never shut up. Do you believe in fortune tellers? They're money-driver bullshitters. Have you ever been to one? No, and judging by the fervor in the above question, I hope you can tell I never would do so and thus monetarily support them. Do you like regular or chocolate milk better? Chocolate, of course. But I love normal milk, too. Once again, wish I didn't, though. Forcing a cow to constantly reproduce to lactate is pretty fucking cruel. Growing up, did you listen to country music? I actually did. Do you normally wash your hands in warm or cold water? If it's just a quick wash, it's usually cold because our water takes quite a few moments to warm up. However, if I'm looking to thoroughly wash my hands, it's gotta be relatively hot. Do you believe in mediums? I see them in a worse light than I do fortune tellers, so... Like sure, manipulate grieving people for profit, sounds great. Have you ever been to one? Obviously not. Have you ever dated someone on the football team? No. Do you have a gazebo at your house? No. Do you like tomatoes? Solely when straight from a garden and on a bacon and mayonnaise sandwich. Otherwise I am noooot a fan. Are you a competitive person? Not very, but there's a tiny spark in me, really when it just comes to photography. I hate it. Google or Bing? Does literally anyone use Bing? What's your favorite brand of bottled water? Essentia. Do you have any ceramic animals in your house or outside? Ummm I don't think so. Have you ever given someone flowers? Yes. What is something you might eat with a hamburger? Fries or mac and cheese. What is a sport that you’ve always wanted to play, but never got a chance to. None. What is a fruit that you might eat in the morning? A banana. Who might you send a selfie to? I don't send selfies to anyone. About how many pages is the longest book you’ve ever read? I THINK it surpassed 1,000? At least in the high hundreds. Who would you call first after getting engaged to tell them the news? Probably Mom. Around what time do you start feeling tired enough to go to sleep? Truth be told, it's usually arouund 7-8. I rarely make it to 9:00 nowadays. What trends do you refuse to give in to? I don't even know what's trendy right now. What subjects in history interest you most? As dark as it is, I find the Holocaust interesting to learn about. Are you superstitious in any way? No. How do you get rid of anxiety? What a relevant question, being in a partial hospitalization program right now. Coping skills that help me are doing deep breathing, mindfulness exercises, and a little jerk back to reality is splashing freezing cold water on my face. It also helps to talk it out with somebody, just get my feelings into words. Then if it's a true anxiety or panic attack, I have my "emergency" anxiety prescription. Are there any items of jewelry you never/rarely take off? My lip and tragus piercings never do, and I always wear two rings. Do you find yourself correcting people’s grammar often? Not really, no. It just seems rude and snobby to me, honestly, if it's not in an educational setting, like helping someone with an essay. Correcting someone in your average conversation is just... unnecessary, imo. Now if you're talking like in surveys and stuff, I definitely do in questions and such, but I don't point it out. Gummi worms: Yay or nay? Yay, love 'em. What do you do when you have ‘me time’? I only ever have "me" time, so what I always do... Do you lack common sense sometimes? I have a horrible lack of common sense, shit's embarrassing. Have you ever poured glue on your hand just to peel it off for fun? No. How do babies make you feel? "Nervous. They’re so damn breakable." <<<< Mood. Would you/Have you milked a cow? No, and I'm not interested. What really gives you the creeps? #!: seeing a baby move inside its mother's stomach. It will actually make me scream and/or cry because it just grosses me the fuck out. Whale sharks' mouths also creep me out big time. Do you ever eat leftover pizza cold? Yeah, I love cold pizza. When you're wanting a midnight snack, what do you normally get? We normally have cashew bars that I like if I'm really hungry. Which cartoon character would you want to keep as a pet? Obviously Pikachu. My niece loves Pikachu anyway, so she'd be ecstatic to see a real one. Or well, maybe I'd go for an Eevee. Not as dangerous with electricity and all but just as cute and small. Do you like marshmallows? Yeah. If you had the opportunity to live forever, would you take it? No. It would ruin so many factors of the temporary nature of life. Things would lose meaning, get old and boring, it'd be much easier to take advantage of things... There are many reasons why I have no desire to live forever. Hell, I even wonder if I want an afterlife for those same reasons. Did you ever really believe in Santa Claus? As a little kid, yeah. Do you like quesadillas? I like cheese, chicken, and shrimp ones. What's the greatest/most influential song you've ever heard? Ozzy's "Life Won't Wait." Do you prefer to pull off band-aids slowly or quickly? I tend to do it slowly. What was the last thing someone told you that had you at a loss for words? Uhhh I feel like Sara said something, but I don't remember what. What was the last health scare you had? Ugh... I'm kind of living in one now. As my legs have been worsening, I'm becoming increasingly concerned I'm eventually going to need a wheelchair for "walking" longer distances. And mind you, "long" for me is probably short for the average person. My knees do nothing but crack incessantly and burn when I use them, and they frequently feel like they're going to give way, and in a few rare instances, have. It's my own fucking fault for not sucking it up and exercising with my mom in the room, so I'd like to move on. What is your favorite filling for a piece of chocolate? Caramel. Do you enjoy the sound of birds chirping? I do. If applicable, what’s your favorite drug, and why? I don't do drugs, so. What was the last TV show you binge-watched? Avatar: The Last Airbender with Sara. Would you rather eat burgers or tacos? Definitely burgers. I don't like tacos. Did your mother change her maiden name when/if she got marred? Yes. What was the last job you applied for? Did you get the job? Deli worker, and yes. Do you use TikTok? No. What decorations do you have in your bathroom? None. Our bathroom is pretty small. Well, the one we use, anyway. The one attached to the master's bedroom isn't cleaned up yet, but we'll use it in case of emergency. What year was your favourite band formed? (Before people think I'm smart, no, I looked the dates up, haha.) Well Ozzy was Black Sabbath's vocalist, and the band formed in 1968, but Ozzy became a solo artist in 1979. What's your favourite fruit? Strawberries. Have you ever had an out-of-body experience? No. Do you prefer gory horror films or the psychological ones? I prefer psychological. Are you easily paranoid? Yeah. Do you have a favorite obsession? Meerkats and Mark are kinda tied, haha. Are you a workaholic? No. Have you ever given a tattoo before and would you like to? No and no; that would be an awful idea, given I have bad tremors in my hands. Have you ever seen the movie Labyrinth? I actually have not. Would you rather be called pretty or hot? Pretty. Have you ever gotten a serious injury at school? What happened? No. Have you ever performed in front of my large group of people? Yes; I was a dancer for many years. Have you ever fundraised? If so, what for? You know how Facebook recommends making fundraisers for a charity of your choice for your birthday? I've done that for the Trevor Project and two charities for ovarian and pancreatic cancers. Are you wearing earrings right now? Ugh, no, even though I want to be. The first holes in my ears are just too stretched for normal earrings because I wore heavy ones too often, and I just don't have nice earrings. I still want to get very small gauges to put in the stretched holes. Name a singer whose voice makes you swoon? Fall Out Boy's Patrick Stump can do that, holy shit. "America's Suitehearts" does it for me, man. Y'know, when his voice goes all deep. Do your pets follow you when you walk around the house? My cat Roman is quite literally my shadow. Where I go, he goes. What do you do online? I seem to only exist online, really, so I've got a lot on my plate to choose from, yet I'm still bored half the time, haha. I'm essentially always watching or listening to YouTube, I play World of Warcraft for varying amounts of time depending on the day, I scroll through deviantART, check KM periodically, do surveys obviously, "work" at the wikis I contribute to, wander around on Facebook... idk, that's all I really do at least semi-regularly online. Haha oh, wait, I also check Craigslist like... every day for tarantula and hognoses even though I can't currently get either. Let me dream. Do you have any scars on your face? I have a couple on my chin from when I fainted and busted it open. What countries were your grandparents born in? In the US. What was the most damaging relationship (romantic or not) that you’ve ever been a part of? Ultimately, with Jason, because of how it ended. The relationship itself wasn't at all damaging to me, but the breakup shook my entire fucking world. When in your life was your self-esteem at its lowest point? Self-esteem? Now. I'm very unhappy with my weight going back up, my body is just in poor health in general, I'm not employed, not in school... I just feel like a lowlife. Who was the last person you cut out of your life? Do you regret it? I want to say my sister's mother-in-law. Sure don't, considering she revealed her disgusting support for conversion therapy. I'm civil around her in person, but I kicked that woman off my Facebook so fucking quick when I saw that shit. Who is the most attractive person you know personally? That I know personally... I would say Alon, but I haven't seen even a picture of her in forever. Summer, though, shares selfies frequently, and by god is she gorgeous. I know a lot a lot of beautiful women, asldkjf;awe. It's funny that I'm blanking on men, at least involving people I still "know"/are somehow present in my life. Would you rather look older or younger than you are? I'm fine looking my age. Have you ever dated someone who was very vastly different from your “type”? No. What is the biggest project you’re currently working on? I suppose you can count an RP plot as a "project." I'm procrastinating so bad on it because it is going to be A LOT of writing. Is there a person from your past that you wonder about frequently? Who? Take a shot in the dark for me. Who knows you best, excluding romantic partners? My mother. What are your thoughts on human creation? I believe we evolved. How many people have you had sex with? One. Have you ever had a yard sale? Yeah. Have you ever been surfing? No.

[helly-watermelonsmellinfellon]

In a post about Snape you made a point about people comparing his and Harry’s abuse and personalities- remarking that Harry is an unrealistic standard of “perfect victimhood”. What- in your opinion- would be a more realistic personality/ideals for Harry to have ?

As the Dursleys have proven to be perfectly willing to withhold food, lock him away for extended periods of time, hit him with frying pans, and choke him out physically, we can easily say that they were physically abusive to him.

Just these actions alone, committed without hesitation or remorse/regret, already breed certain behaviors.

Then add on the other kinds of abuse. From Dudley getting the kids to avoid him at school and possibly get them in on bullying him, to Vernon and Petunia having the whole neighborhood believing he’s a delinquent, to lying to him about his parents’ deaths and the kind of people they were, to making him scared of asking questions, to not allowing him to do better than Dudley in school, to letting Marge treat him terribly and sick her dog on him.

So What Should His Issues Be?:

Distrust of adults.

For 10 years, every adult in his life has been rather useless or extremely terrible. Figg isn’t really bad but she’s passive in it all despite being one Dumbles’ minions. And that’s not any better tbh.

We know Harry has issues with authority. Authority has failed him personally. A lot. But he should be a lot more wary of adults imo. Notice how he warmed up to Hagrid pretty quickly, and after learning the truth, warmed up to Sirius. Thing is, Hagrid doesn’t feel like an adult in any way. And Sirius never got a chance to mature as a person. He was still an immature, bullying brat when he was forced into war and then illegally imprisoned to be tortured for over a decade. His mental space is that of a young adult at most. He feels like a kid too. They don’t feel like mature characters in the least. They’re like the cousins around your age who might be a bit older but not enough for you to take them seriously when they order you around.

As someone who’s been treated similar ways by a blood relative who had guardianship over me(Sperm Donor) I look at my issues and how Harry turned out and I’m a bit annoyed. I know that no two experiences are perfectly the same, but still...

His discomfort and dislike of Snape should have been prevalent when facing all adults/authority figures and not just the one he disliked for hating him. There was a time where I questioned the motives of all adults because of how Sperm Donor treated me(similar to the Dursleys but more flowery gaslighting). Harry just kind of goes along with everything and even tries going to an authority figure for help when things get sticky. Being blown off by McGonagall should have been a wake up call. Or watching how she treated Neville in their 3rd Year. The good teacher who isn’t nasty like Snape, still can’t be trusted to do her damn job. Hell, Dumbledore deliberately hiring bad men two years in a row should have been a concern. There is no hope.

His level of obliviousness on certain topics is alarming. Though it could also be an ingrained habit from the ‘don’t ask questions’ bit he learned from the Dursleys. He could have trained himself to ignore reality and his desire for knowledge. If so, that’s concerning af.

Hating Physical Contact

When you’ve been met with nothing but pain or aggression every time someone touches you for 10 years, that leaves a lasting impression. Sperm Donor liked yanking me around the way Vernon does to Harry. And he would hit things near me to scare me. I have an issue now. I generally hate being touched and feel all around revolted if it happens, but I also hate the game “I’m Not Touching You!”. Because Sperm Donor would wave his hands wildly and strike the walls or car seats near my head.

If his hands raised any higher than waist level I became still as stone and sharply observant of what he’d do with them. And now that children’s game bothers me because it’s this internal guessing game that I don’t have the mental energy to handle. I know people who would eventually Poke and others would with Slap at the end. One even Punched. Hands coming at me at any height generally bother me and I panic and try to categorize everything happening, all at once!

Are they mad? Did I do something wrong? Am I about to get hit? Or will it just be a pat on the shoulder? But what if they’re pretending it’s going to be a pat on the shoulder and then they start choking me? What if I did something and now they want to hurt me? OMG I didn’t mean to!

This is for anyone. Even my mom who would never do that to me. Objectively I know this, but the anxiety that has formed will still fuck with me anyway.

Harry Potter is too comfortable around perfect strangers. It’s one thing to not like being stared at, especially since he knows it’s only because his parents died and he didn’t, which is a creepy thing to make someone famous for. It’s another to be fine with people touching him willy nilly. Lockhart should not have been the first example of him being uncomfortable near someone or with someone touching him(Lockhart was too touchy-feely with Harry on a pedo level tbh). 

Maybe we don’t see Harry reach out physically a lot, but he doesn’t stop other people from getting personal with him.

Mental Illness

Stress, Depression, Trauma, PTSD, Anxiety, etc...

He got no help for any of this after 4 school years of near-death experiences and tragedy. A lot of people think his ‘irrational behavior’ in OOTP is just him Overreacting or Voldemort’s Emotions Seeping Through. They don’t want to acknowledge that someone who’s been physically tortured, ostracized multiple times, and nearly killed multiple times, might have loaded baggage they’re carrying around.

And he is frequently made to feel like his emotions and worries don’t matter, especially in OOTP. He was in no way in a healthy situation and authority once again is proven to be useless/detrimental on all sides. The fact that he’s so willing to give people second or third chances in the next book/Year despite how much they fucked him over in OOTP, annoys the piss out of me.

Harry will overlook his own needs to make others happy. And many people attribute this to just him being nice, but that isn’t it. It’s not wanting to lose what he has. It’s fear of being seen as selfish if he concentrates on himself for too long. It’s worry that he’ll lose his friends especially since both have inferiority complexes a mile long but for different reasons. So he never just sits down and thinks, “I need some time for me.”

The People Pleaser aspect is one of the rare issues we actually get shown but most just don’t understand the problems in such an attitude and how quickly that can be abused and is abused.

The Saving-People-Thing and Martyr Complex are also problems viewed as angelic and sweet when they only exist because a manipulative old man orchestrated his life without a right to and lead him to the point where he thinks he has to die for the world and has to save everyone and then beats himself up if he fails. Yeah. Super healthy.

The negative sides of these issues don’t really get explored. It’s obvious they’re there but people don’t like mental health issues being brought up when they aren’t wrapped in a pretty package. It’s called hypocrisy. If Harry displayed the more negative aspects fo these issues they’re turn on him and he’d be treated like Snape.

In some ways Snape’s situation was worse. In other ways Harry’s was worse. As kids/teens both had some traumatic experiences that no one should have to go through. And on Harry’s end he’s tortured and almost dies because of an adult and his minions, multiple times while at school over the years. Snape was bullied/sexually assaulted by his peers(which fucking sucks too. Still, 1 near-death experience & his genitals being exposed, against multiple attacks & near-death experiences?).

So why is it blatantly obvious that Snape is not well when Harry’s school experiences could objectively be termed as Worse? This isn’t the Suffering Olympics or anything, but Harry’s school years from the info we know, sounded more dangerous than those of the Marauder’s Time. Trolls, Basilisks, Dementors, Dragons, disguised Murderers messing with the kids, assumed Murderers getting in and out, torturing of kids, and then war on the grounds.

Danger hadn’t touched Hogwarts in the 70s. It was haven in a dark time. It was all over in the 90s though, coming from various sources.

So it’s weird how Snape can be such a mess but somehow Harry comes across as a darling of purity with no problems and half the fandom will claim that he is what victims should be.

[argentdandelion]

SOUL of Fear: Always Afraid? Part 2

See series tag for previous posts. Best viewed on desktop.

--

Screencapture of Betty, from Camila Cuevas's Undertale fan animation, GlitchTale.

While the previous post in the series covered indirect evidence for Bete Noire (“Betty”) being defined by her fear, the direct evidence is more persuasive. Betty seems to have a natural tendency for fear. When she first gained consciousness, she was a blank slate, but acted very frightened of Kumu. While Betty did quickly recover from her panic, the fact she responded with fear, and not fascination, bafflement, or just a neutral expression, may say something about her natural tendencies.

She didn’t exist by herself for long, though: Agate soon regained power or consciousness, and influenced Betty. At some point, Agate told her that monsters were dangerous and humans could not be trusted, and that the two races living together was just a “time bomb” waiting to go off. Betty may have accepted Agate’s claim unquestioningly because she was a blank slate, naturally prone to paranoia, or both.

Later experiences “proved” Agate right. Betty (as shown in supplementary material) was able to see into the memories of others by looking into their eyes, and concluded Asgore, Asriel, and Sans were a bunch of untrustworthy murderers.1 Most likely because of this memory-viewing, she kept believing monsters were a threat despite harmless or even positive interactions with Toriel, Sans, Asriel and Papyrus in “My Sunshine” and “Dust”. She still distrusts humans: seeing Frisk’s many genocide routes in their memories proved Frisk untrustworthy to her. (Oddly, despite her anti-monster beliefs, she didn’t ally herself with Frisk, someone with a history of killing monsters.)2 If she saw more than just Frisk’s Genocide Route memories, then perhaps she discarded memories of their kindness and the Pacifist Route because it didn’t fit with her paranoia.

Deeper Fears, Anxieties, and Insecurities

If Betty was a blank slate prone to fear, easily persuaded to listen to no one else, then she was the perfect pawn for Agate. Agate told her Kumu (who’s really just part of Betty) is and would be her only friend. In Season 2, Episode 1 (1:00), Betty is hanging around the door of Toriel’s classroom, and looks anxious. Later, she tells Frisk that kids were sorted into classes based on SOUL color, but, with her unique SOUL color, she didn’t fit in. She says this in an anxious or sad way.3

Betty manipulated Jessica Grey very effectively, so it’s not out of the question posing as a mildly-anxious girl as just an act to deflect suspicion or make others reluctant to harm her. Yet, it seems unlikely. Her dialogue to herself and Kumu in supplementary material suggests anxiety and/or uncertainty with its frequent ellipses, as well as suggesting Betty is lonely because she’s the only one of her kind and can trust no one but Kumu (and presumably Agate).

What am I?…  Something made to be hated?… … Looks like it…  I never asked to be made… I didn’t ask to be this way…  But it’s what I am. And here we are trying to fulfill our purpose despite our doubts… 

This shows how her problems go deeper than just having no friends but Kumu. She seems conflicted over something about herself, whether it's the fact she is neither a human nor a monster or the effects of having a SOUL of Fear. Indeed, "something made to be hated" does match the series' dictionary definition of "Bête noire": "A person or thing strongly detested or avoided". Making a horrible abomination may have been the whole point of the Bête Noire spell, by which Betty was created and named after. Apparently, Betty feels she has no choice but to execute her purpose and cannot turn back, despite her (unspecified) doubts.

Worse, in "Do or Die", Gaster says there can be only one pink SOUL of Fear existing at one time. If Betty also knows this, it removes the possibility of ever befriending anyone like her. Perhaps Betty’s starry-eyed interest in Mettaton in "Dust", comes from the belief he was neither human nor monster, but a magic robot with a SOUL, and so a potential friend.

While she’s been very afraid when fighting monsters before (e.g., Gaster, and especially Undyne the Undying), it seems she's most afraid (or simply not confident) when she cannot physically attack her problems. For example, she cannot simply attack her uncertainties about her purpose and her isolation, nor can she physically attack the HATE substance threatening to take over her.

If Betty’s power increases the more afraid she is, then one wonders whether Agate deliberately isolated Betty so her fear (and thus power) would increase. Betty might execute her mother's will without question simply because she's not close to anybody else, and hasn't experienced anything that would prove her mother's beliefs wrong. Indeed, Betty trusts Agate so much that she varies between calling Agate her mother and seeming to conflate Agate with her own identity. To be specific, when she saw Agate's remains in supplementary material, it's impossible to tell whether she was going to say "my mother" or "my body".

While Frisk, too, feels similar despair or anxiety at various points in the series, Frisk quickly recovers. Perhaps it is from Frisk's tendency for determination, the comforting words of others, observing their friends' close bonds with each other, or some combination. Betty, however, has no friends (unless Kumu counts), receives little comfort, and believes she has no choice but to live a fearful, friendless, murderous life.

If you enjoyed this article, please consider looking at the Ko-Fi or Patreon of the article's author, ArgentDandelion. (The pages are fairly photogenic.)

In her defense, she might not have had training to properly evaluate others’ claims, and if she was naturally fear-prone, it would be very tempting to pin it all on something specific and possible to fight. ↩︎

It's plausible Agate wanted to kill off monsters because they could gain godlike power with seven human SOULs, and she would logically tell Betty about that. Yet, in GlitchTale, the barrier wasn’t broken after Frisk defeated the God of Hyperdeath. It’s weird, though...if Betty can see Frisk’s memories, surely she’d see Asriel with seven human SOULs wasn’t some unstoppable, bloodthirsty threat. Can she only see some memories? ↩︎

Betty is aware she is neither human nor monster. She may very well have wanted to attend Toriel’s school just because it was strategic for her evil plans. Still, the fact she was set apart even when she was disguising herself as a human must have hurt. ↩︎

[thesupernaturaluniversity]

How UFO Reports Change With the Technology of the Times

In 1896, newspapers throughout the United States began reporting accounts of mysterious airships flying overhead. Descriptions varied, but witnesses frequently invoked the century’s great technological achievements. Some sources reported dirigibles powered by steam engines. Others saw motorized, winged crafts with screw propellers. Many recalled a flying machine equipped with a powerful searchlight.

As technologies of flight evolve, so do the descriptions of unidentified flying objects. The pattern has held in the 21st century as sightings of drone-like objects are reported, drawing concern from military and intelligence officials about possible security threats.

While puzzling over the appearance of curious things overhead may be a constant, how we have done so has changed over time, as the people doing the puzzling change. In every instance of reporting UFOs, observers have called on their personal experiences and prevailing knowledge of world events to make sense of these nebulous apparitions. In other words, affairs here on earth have consistently colored our perceptions of what is going on over our heads.

Reports of weird, wondrous, and worrying objects in the skies date to ancient times. Well into the 17th century, marvels such as comets and meteors were viewed through the prism of religion—as portents from the gods and, as such, interpreted as holy communications.

By the 19th century, however, “celestial wonders” had lost most of their miraculous aura. Instead, the age of industrialization transferred its awe onto products of human ingenuity. The steamboat, the locomotive, photography, telegraphy, and the ocean liner were all hailed as “modern wonders” by news outlets and advertisers. All instilled a widespread sense of progress—and opened the door to speculation about whether objects in the sky signaled more changes.

Yet nothing fueled the imagination more than the possibility of human flight. In the giddy atmosphere of the 19th century, the prospect of someone soon achieving it inspired newspapers to report on tinkerers and entrepreneurs boasting of their supposed successes.

The wave of mysterious airship sightings that began in 1896 did not trigger widespread fear. The accepted explanation for these aircraft was terrestrial and quaint: Some ingenious eccentric had built a device and was testing its capabilities.

But during the first two decades of the 20th century, things changed. As European powers expanded their militaries and nationalist movements sparked unrest, the likelihood of war prompted anxiety about invasion. The world saw Germany—home of the newly developed Zeppelin—as the likeliest aggressor. Military strategists, politicians, and newspapers in Great Britain warned of imminent attack by Zeppelins.

The result was a series of phantom Zeppelin sightings by panicked citizens throughout the United Kingdom, Australia, and New Zealand in 1909, then again in 1912 and 1913. When war broke out in August 1914, it sparked a new, more intense wave of sightings. Wartime reports also came in from Canada, South Africa, and the United States. In England, rumors that German spies had established secret Zeppelin hangars on British soil led vigilantes to scour the countryside.

In the age of aviation, war and fear of war have consistently fueled reports of unidentified flying objects. A year after Nazi Germany’s surrender, Sweden was beset by at least a thousand accounts of peculiar, fast-moving objects in the sky. Starting in May 1946, residents described seeing missile- or rocket-like objects in flight, which were dubbed “ghost rockets” because of their fleeting nature. Rockets peppering Swedish skies was well within the realm of possibility—in 1943 and 1944, a number of V-1 and V-2 rockets launched from Germany had inadvertently crashed in the country.

At first, intelligence officials in Scandinavia, Britain, and the United States took the threat of ghost rockets seriously, suspecting that the Soviets might be experimenting with German rockets they had captured. By the autumn of 1946, however, they had concluded it was a case of postwar mass hysteria.

The following summer, a private pilot by the name of Kenneth Arnold claimed to have seen nine flat objects flying in close formation near Mt. Rainier. Looking back on the event years later, Arnold noted, “What startled me most at this point was the fact that I could not find any tails on them. I felt sure that, being jets, they had tails, but figured they must be camouflaged in some way so that my eyesight could not perceive them. I knew the Air Force was very artful in the knowledge and use of camouflage.”

Given the name “flying saucers” by an Associated Press correspondent, they quickly appeared throughout the United States. Over the following two weeks, newspapers covered hundreds of sightings.

News of these reports circled the globe. Soon, sightings occurred in Europe and South America. In the wake of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, atomic bomb tests, and tensions between the United States and the USSR, speculation ran rampant.

Finding themselves on the front line of the Cold War, Germans on both sides of the Iron Curtain considered the United States the most likely culprit. West Germans thought the discs were experimental missiles or military aircraft, while Germans in the communist Eastern bloc considered it more likely that the whole thing was a hoax devised by the American defense industry to whip up support for a bloated budget.

Others had more elaborate theories. In 1950, former U.S. Marine Air Corps Major Donald Keyhoe published an article and book titled The Flying Saucers Are Real, in which he contended that aliens from another planet were behind the appearance of the UFOs. Based on information from his informants, Keyhoe contended that government authorities were aware of this, but wished to keep the matter a secret for fear of inciting a general panic.

Such a claim about UFOs was new. To be sure, at the turn of the century during the phantom airship waves, some had speculated that the vessels spotted might be from another planet. Already at that time, people were deeply interested in reports of prominent astronomers observing artificial “canals” and structures on Mars. Evidence of Martian civilizations made it seem conceivable that our interplanetary neighbors had finally decided to pay us a visit. Still, relatively few bought into this line of reasoning.

But by going further, Major Keyhoe struck a chord in a timely fashion. In the aftermath of World War II and over the course of the 1950s, it seemed that science and engineering were making remarkable strides. In particular, the development of guided rockets and missiles, jet airplanes, atomic and hydrogen bombs, nuclear energy, and satellites signaled to many that there were no limits—not even earth’s atmosphere—to technological progress. And if our planet were on the verge of conquering space, it would hardly be a stretch to imagine that more advanced civilizations elsewhere were capable of even greater feats.

But all this raised a question. Why were the extraterrestrials visiting us now?

Keyhoe believed that aliens had been keeping us under observation for a long time. Witnessing the recent explosions of atomic weapons, they had decided the inhabitants of planet Earth had finally reached an advanced enough stage to be scrutinized more closely. Still, there was no reason for alarm. “We have survived the stunning impact of the Atomic Age,” Keyhoe concluded. “We should be able to take the Interplanetary Age, when it comes, without hysteria.”

The flying saucer era had begun. Not everyone would remain as sanguine as Keyhoe. As concerns over global nuclear annihilation and environmental catastrophe grew during the ’60s, ’70s, and ’80s, claims about UFOs took on ever more ominous tones.

Times changed. And so, again, did the UFO phenomenon.

By Greg Eghigian, Zócalo Public Square

Original post here

[i-am-not-anon]

Under the eye of an institution

part 6

Summary: Logan and Patton (both 16), the older students, are expected to look after two groups of freshmen in Watersouth boarding school for boys. Both of them despise the tradition of bullying that is subjected to the newcomers by older students. The two respectively get a student in their groups who is a little different from the ordinary crowd: Roman and Virgil (both 15).

Author’s note: Update, everybody! Now I realize how much work actually goes into writing all of this. There’s no base storyline for this kind of fic, at least I haven’t seen anybody else write a fic like this. So please be patient with the slow uploads! Message me for getting into the taglist, please.

Triggers: Bullying, abuse, violence, violent punishments, panic attacks, self-deprecation, name-calling, i n s t i t u t i o n

Other parts here

...

The next day, Logan went to his room right after classes, to analyze the results of the tests Roman had filled the last evening. After hours of work, he merged all his findings to one sheet.

Possible reasons behind Roman Pears’ behavior

adhd, combined: 74% probability

executive dysfunction: 61% probability

specific learning disabilities: 14% probability

bipolar: 19% probability

sensory processing disorders: 5% probability

autism%: 12% probability

anxiety: 43% probability

depression: 20% probability

Abstract:

Possible reasons for Roman Pears’ behavior and/or diagnosis for him would according to this study be ADHD combined type, executive dysfunction and anxiety, in the order of highest probability.

However, specific learning disabilities, bipolar, sensory processing disorders, autism and depression seem to be considered mostly irrelevant options according to this study.

Logan smiled to himself, placing the paper on his desk. He felt proud of the playful study he had conducted, and content about his findings. Though further studies were always needed, the tired older student decided he would just roll with the answers he had gotten for now. Trying to keep Roman on his desk for a couple hours when he was supposed to have free time was an experience he didn’t want to go through again very soon. Logan took a breath, deciding to go search for Patton to discuss about his findings before continuing with his actual homework.

….

Virgil walked to Patton, hiding his red eyes with both of his sweater paws. Patton shot up, hurrying closer to the sniffling boy. ”Virgil! Are you alright? What happened? Let’s go someplace quiet and talk for a bit, how does that sound?”

Virgil nodded, following Patton and trying to quiet his sobs with his hands as they walked past the other older boys. One of them yelled rudely after Virgil, but Patton’s deathly glare made the student shut up.

As the duo got outside of the building, Patton began speaking again. ”Let’s sit down right here,” he decided, pointing at a nice patch of grass. ”Can I hug you, Virgil?”

Virgil shook his head, still hiding behind his hands.

Patton felt a bit lost as he always wished to be held if he was feeling upset, but tried to think of other ways to help the panicking boy.

”Um.. We’re going to get through this,” he tried, but he didn’t believe his unconvinced tone himself either. He didn’t even know what happened yet.

”Let’s focus on breathing,” Patton figured, turning to face Virgil on the grass they were sitting on. ”Breathe with me. In…. and out.” … ”In… and out.”

Slowly but surely Virgil was able to calm down a bit. He didn’t want to stress anybody or cause any more trouble than necessary with his current problem, but he assumed Patton wouldn’t let him go before he would tell his tutor what was going on. And Patton was the only one in this crazy school he could possibly trust. Maybe. So Virgil tried his best to talk through the sniffles and stutter this stressful situation had made even worse.

”M-mm-m-isster B-b-b-br -r -ass,” Virgil was able to say, and Patton nodded seriously. ”Did he get mad at you again?”

Virgil nodded. ”Bu-b-b-but-t-t-t i-i-i-t’s-s-s wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-worse,” he grimaced, his hands moving back to hide his stressed expression and another wave of tears.

Patton frowned sadly. ”Hey, don’t worry. We can figure it out.” The older student noticed how Virgil was moving towards another panic attack. ”Let’s remember to breathe calmly. In.. and out.”

After Virgil was able to breathe again, he explained the whole situation to Patton at his own pace. Patton listened, trying not to panic himself as he heard the whole thing.

”So this group of boys convinced you to let them continue the accidental mispronunciation, and they are using it against the teacher in question,” Patton asked. Virgil nodded.

”And now Mr. Brass is accusing you of planning and creating all of this?”

Virgil nodded, breathing getting shallow again. Patton held his arms open for they boy, and Virgil sat little bit closer to lean his head on Patton’s shoulder. The younger boy muttered about not being able to tell the truth without revealing his only friends had the idea at first, and how they could get in trouble instead of him. Patton made sure to listen the whole thing patiently before interrupting. Virgil also told Mr. Brass had instructed the young student to tell his tutor, Patton, to spank him good. Patton sighed as he heard this.

”Maybe you knew already, but I will absolutely not do that to you,” the older student dismissed the instruction. ”I don’t think it would do any good in this situation. I have to admit, this is a tough puzzle to solve,” Patton had to pause as Virgil muttered a quick ’Sorry’.

”It was not your fault. We can figure this out, and if you give me permission, I can talk about it with my classmate who always seems to find a good answer to tough situations.

Virgil looked at his tutor quietly.

”Logan is the other tutor who refuses to use violent punishments,” Patton revealed and Virgil nodded in confirmation.

”Okay. I will brainstorm with him and you just try to stay safe, kiddo. Does that sound alright?”

Virgil nodded, drying his wet cheeks. A hint of smile could have been spotted on his face if looked very carefully.

….

Logan let out a relieved sigh as he found Patton walking in the library. ”I have been looking for you, Patton. I have some important news to discuss with you.”

Patton smiled at his friend. ”Me too! Where should we talk?”

The two tutors decided to sit at a quiet corner table of the library. They found themselves absorbing into the matter of trying to help their students to their best ability, and hours later, Logan glanced at the clock and realized they were almost late for dinner. Logan glanced at his notes of the conversation briefly before hurrying out of the library after Patton, seemingly satisfied with the amount of work they had gotten done.

Notes regarding the problems of Roman Pears and Virgil Glasgow

Virgil’s case:

cause: stutter and questionable acts of new friends

consequences: Mr. Brass accuses Virgil of making fun of him

possible solution 1: Virgil tells the truth to Mr. Brass

outcome 1: Virgil might lose his new friends and they would get punished

possible solution 2: Virgil tries to apologize to Mr. Brass

outcome 2: Mr. Brass might or might not accept the apology, Virgil is seen as a troublemaker

possible solution 3: Virgil tells his friends to stop the pranks

outcome 3: Friends might or might not obey, Virgil is seen as a coward

The best solution: unsure, demands further analysis

Roman’s case:

cause: possibly ADHD, executive dysfunction and anxiety

consequences: Roman’s irresponsible behavior, which causes him get in trouble frequently

Possible solution 1: Roman gets treatment to his disorders

outcome 1: Roman would have to move schools or wait for unknown amount of time, since there is no mental health professional available in Watersouth boarding school yet

possible solution 2: Roman learns to work with his disorders himself

outcome 2: Highly unlikely to work

possible solution 3: Logan and maybe also Roman’s teachers work with him to help him

outcome 3: teachers will be difficult to persuade, Logan will make mistakes since he is not qualified

The best solution: unsure, demands further analysis

Logan smiled, sliding the notebook to his backpack and following Patton to the cafeteria.

…

As Patton stepped to the cafeteria, a pair of students walking to the opposite direction almost stumbled onto him. ”Oh, sorry,” Patton stepped aside, now noticing that this was his classmate dragging a younger student by his collar. As Logan walked closer, the older student let out a huff, shaking Roman by his collar. ”Finally, Andrews! This brat wouldn’t keep quiet in the line and you were nowhere to be found! If you wouldn’t have just appeared, I would have slapped this jerk myself.”

Logan frowned. ”You know very well it is against the rules to punish students other than your own, Simons.”

Patrick Simons rolled his eyes. ”If anything, this idiot is against the rules.” he let go of Roman’s collar and shoved him towards Logan. ”I’m going to eat my dinner now that I finally have some peace.” he walked away, dismissively wiping his hands to his trousers as if touching Roman had made them dirty.

Roman looked at the floor, twisting his hands. ”I’m sorry, sir,” he muttered to Logan.

Logan put a reassuring hand on Roman’s shoulder. ”It’s alright. Let’s have dinner, and I’ll expect you to head to my room after we’re done with that.”

”Yes sir,” Roman nodded, walking back to the end of the line with the two older students.

[jkl-fff]

Scooby-Doo “Gritty” Reboot Idea (part 1)

“Gritty” because it’d acknowledge some dark realities  (like physical and emotional abuse especially of children,  drugs and drug addiction, sex work, violence and death)  and would deal with some darker lore. But all while still having goofy  and slapstick overtones (a la Season 2 of “Gravity Falls”).

THE CHARACTERS:

Daphne African-American redhead, freckled, tall, slender, conventionally gorgeous.

She’s the only child from a wealthy family … but one that is, unfortunately,  very christian-conservative and obsessed with their reputation  as respectable; she’s always been pressured to conform to traditionally “feminine” and “christian” standards of behavior and appearance. As a result, she has flawless fashion sense and makeup skills,  is an excellent dancer, singer, and pianist,  and can navigate high society with ease …   But also as a consequence, her “unfeminine” or “unchristian” inclinations  (being assertive, liking combat sports, a fascination with the macabre,  and not being 100% straight in both her sexuality and her identity) have been disparaged and discouraged, making her reticent about  her true feelings and interests—she closes herself off from others  and doesn’t share those parts of herself easily.

Her initial associations to the others were limited,  since their families didn’t walk in the same social circles at all. However,  she and Velma have some AP classes together, and often talk about paranormal and occult things.

Velma Latina-American, near-sighted, wavy haired, petite, chubby,  cute as a particularly cute button.

Her parents are both lower income, always working to provide for her  and her 5 siblings (she’s #3), so she’s grown up with a homelife  that’s very loud, cramped, and … well, not *negligent* per se, because  her parents do the best they can with the time they aren’t working …  but let’s just say it’s a homelife without a lot of parental presence  (they never have a lot of free time, plus she’s the middle child).  Teachers became a kind of surrogate parent figure for her,  which reinforces a pre-existing tendency to retreat into a world of books  and school activities in order to have some personal space.  On the plus side, this means she’s extremely intelligent and independent,  and already a fantastic researcher. However, on the negative side,  she’s an extreme perfectionist and somewhat desperate for approval  from others, especially from authority figures (which leads to anxiety).  Being shy, she doesn’t have the best social skills, and thus doesn’t have  a lot of friends … thus hasn’t realized yet she’s bi/pan, and also demi.

Besides knowing Daphne from AP classes, she knows Fred because  their dads work together and would drag the family to work-family functions. They both showed up to one with a book about supernatural stuff to read  off in a quiet corner somewhere, and hit it off; they hang out every time  they go to one of those functions, but aren’t in any of the same classes.

Fred European-American, blond and sorta-plain-sorta-cute, strong and burly,  not particularly tall or thin.

Fred is the only son of a low-income widower, so he’s had to assist  his father’s mechanical work from a young age. As a result, he’s now  a pretty good mechanic in his own right.  They’re close, but his father’s very much a “my way or highway” person; plus, since his father has some close-minded ideas about gender,  Fred’s been pressured into stereotypical “masculinity” from a young age (camping, hunting, sports like football/baseball then wrestling and boxing  when it was clear his physique was better suited to those,  never showing “weak” feelings, etc.) with “girly” stuff that interested Fred (like fashion and acting, magic, the supernatural … and bi/pan attraction)  being belittled to the point that he’s developed some self-loathing  for even wanting to engage with them. He keeps doing so in secret,  of course, he just also feels ashamed of it.

Besides knowing Velma, he’s lived on the same street as Shaggy  and been in some of the same classes since they were 12 or so.  They aren’t exactly friends, but they do more-or-less know each other.

Shaggy Asian-American, a lanky beanpole with a runner’s physique,  handsome in an angular/bony way people either really like or don’t.

Because his parents died when he was 12, he’s being raised by his aunt  and her “roommate” (lesbians in a smallish town gotta keep it on the DL).  Both are extremely loving and supportive, which is good because  the incident that killed his parents left him with some major issues:  PTSD, panic attacks, depression and the like.  They bought him a therapy dog, which has helped a lot in treating  the more acute symptoms. They’ve taught him to try to talk about it,  but sometimes the overwhelming pain of it makes him go mute;  when he tries to express it artistically like they encourage him to do,  the stuff he produces sometimes scares the heck out of him (he hates it, thus he hates the paranormal).  His preferred coping methods are cooking then eating, or running;  both have developed, actually, with him becoming an amazing cook …  and being first in regional competitions for cross country and hurdles.  While he’s not public about being attracted to boys as well as girls  (because, again, smallish town), he has told his aunts,  who are extremely loving and supportive about that, too (because they rock).

He sorta knows Fred because they’ve been neighbors  and gone to the same school for years.  His best friend is Scooby, his therapy dog.

Scooby A loveable but clumsy lummox of a Great Dane mix.

Shaggy’s therapy dog, he has an uncanny sense for when  his boy needs him; on occasion, he has jumped the house’s fence  and loped to the nearby school when his boy had a sudden panic attack. However, the aunts joke that the mixed part of his breed is with  a Scaredy Cat, because he startles almost as easily as his boy does,  is wary around strangers … and doesn’t seem to realize how huge he is (he will frequently try to climb into people’s laps, like a cat).

He is utterly devoted to Shaggy (and vice versa),  but is otherwise just an ordinary dog … Or is he?

Their Roles in Mystery Inc.

Daphne: the Financier (pays for hotels and food) and later the Fighter (gets good at kicking ass), good at schmoozing witnesses, sometimes feels insecure  like she only really contributes money

Velma: the Brains (researches, documents cases) and later the Bruja (experiments with magic and develops some skill), mostly an optimistic ray of sunshine, sometimes feels insecure  like she’s always helpless

Fred: the Mechanic (owns the van and takes care of it) and the Muscle (stronk boi), good at pep talks, sometimes feels insecure  like he only really contributes is their vehicle

Shaggy (with Scooby): the Medium (interact deeply with the spirit world,  albeit unwillingly) and the Muse (the heart of the group—everyone luvs and proteccs), good at cooking and comedy, usually feels insecure all the time like he’s just useless in general and a coward

[raymondklhi340-blog]

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[qandnoablog]

Anomaly (Marvel Imagine)

Title: Discovered

Pairing: [In Progress]

Warnings: This part isn’t like my other ones since it doesn’t take place in any actual part of the Marvel movies. The scenes, however, are based on the movies - Thor Ragnarok Spider-Man: Homecoming

There will be some moments where a character will be experiencing a panic attack. Since this is based on my own experiences with panic attacks, I hope no one feels offended by how I describe it.

Part: 10, [9], [8], [7], [6], [5], [4], [3], [2], [1]

Key: Y/N - Your Name Y/L/N - Your Last Name

Word Count: 3,273

Summary: All seemed peaceful for [Y/N]. Everything had quieted down since her last adventure with Spider-Man. Little did she know, it was the calm before a storm.

Note From Author: Midterms are coming yet again and I wanted to post this before cramming like crazy! I’m sorry for making you all wait and I hope you enjoy this part!

Part 10 - Anomaly

It had been about a year since her encounter with Spider-Man.

[Y/N] had finally settled to life in New York, enjoying the lively atmosphere and often exploring around without too many worries. Her capture wasn’t exactly a priority, like Captain America or Wanda Maximoff would be, so she didn’t have to be wary of who could find her. In addition, Tony seemed to be helping behind the scenes, erasing any digital trail she may have left behind. She could never confirm his involvement, but she suspected it to be him nonetheless.

Spider-Man would visit frequently, the two sometimes just hanging out as he asked all kinds of questions about the Avengers. At first, he was so caught up with her new gloves that he sometimes forgot she even existed. He got so wrapped up, practically begging her to borrow it for closer examination, but it soon died down.

After that, he would go fight crime and she would sometimes tag along. Nothing too serious happened since then, so he could handle most of it alone. [Y/N] was just there for any damage control, helping him be more efficient during fights. Ned would sometimes also come over with Peter when the two needed a place to work on both actual school projects and other side “projects” without the watching eyes of their guardians. Overall, it was very peaceful.

Everything seemed to be going great until one day… Well, it was one of the worst days [Y/N] had experienced in her life.

The day started off normal. She had woken up early, a bit before her alarm, and was feeling energized to just go out and explore more of New York. Then, something completely unexpected happened.

While walking down the somewhat empty streets, the sun barely making its way up in the sky, a strange, orange glowing circle appeared on the ground around her. A bit panicked, the sparks of light dangerously close to her ankles, she jumped away from the center of the circle. Without someone in the middle of it, it quickle fizzled out and was gone.

What the hell?

She peered over at the empty sidewalk, examining it closely, but it showed no signs of charring from the odd occurance. Then, it happened again. The same circle appeared under her, but this time it was faster. [Y/N] felt gravity pull her down as the ground below her just vanished.

The sensation reminded her of the wormhole back on Sakaar, the flashes of memories jolting her with fear and adrenaline. Her breathing accelerated and her hair stood on end as power welled up inside her and exploded her upwards with incredible force, away from the portal. Just like before, the circle vanished when she no longer stood atop it.

No, no, no, no, no, [Y/N] chanted again and again.

Panic became hysteria as she trembled all over. The fact that she was completely exposing her abilities in public, regardless of the lack of people, didn’t even register in her mind. All she could think of was how she didn’t want to go back to that alien planet. There was no telling how long she’d be stuck in that wretched place again, if she was sent there at all. She might not even be able to return to Earth like last time. [Y/N] was lucky when Loki and Thor ended up there. If she got sent there again, it could possibly be forever. And, if the Grandmaster still ruled and remembered her, she wouldn’t be safe.

Take a breath. Panicking will get you nowhere. Breathe!

A few seconds passed by. Then a minute. After a couple of minutes of waiting the circle still did not reappear. Her breathing settled somewhat and her heartbeat returned to its normal pace. Though adrenaline still pulsed through her, making her uncomfortable with the excess energy, she was too scared to completely calm down.

It’s okay, she tried to tell herself, It could be nothing. Wormholes don’t usually appear in the middle of the ground, right?

But how was she supposed to know? That time on Sakaar, a wormhole just suddenly emerged and sucked her away from her friends and onto Earth. Thankfully, she ended up where she wanted to be, but that was a once-in-a-lifetime chance. Out of the infinite possibilities, it was highly unlikely that she would be that lucky again.

However, as she was carefully thinking about all her options while hovering in the air, those same sparks flew out to right beside her. The shock of it startled her so much that the hold on her powers faltered and she began to fall dangerously fast.

Shit!

It wasn’t a fatal height, but it was enough to do some serious damage. She braced for impact, her muscles tensing at the expected solid ground, but then the falling didn’t stop. [Y/N] could already surmise what had happened, the odd portal strangely targeting her, but she was too scared to open her eyes to confirm it. Still, the familiar feeling of nausea was enough for her to know what happened without seeing for herself.

I don’t want to go!

~

“Ah, you’re awake,” an unfamiliar voice called out as [Y/N] finally opened her eyes.

Everything was unfamiliar. The ceiling. The floor. The walls. The bed. Everything… They were all things she’d never seen before. Her heart raced as the events of what happened flooded back to her and her breathing became erratic. Tears filled her eyes and she couldn’t even focus on the person beside her. She couldn’t control her body as it trembled, her body feeling unnaturally cold as the blood drained from her. Reality was slipping from her and she began to hyperventilate, when something brushed against her hand.

“Shhh,” the stranger soothed, his gloved hand gently squeezing her own, “You’re alright. You’re okay. Just take a deep breath.”

[Y/N] finally turned to the speaker. Even he was unfamiliar. He had white streaks on both sides of his hair, contrasting with his normal full head of black. The lighting was dim, so it was hard to focus. Everything about him seemed elegant, but most importantly… Human. He appeared to be human. Though the thought should have reassured her, many people on Sakaar looked human. His clothes certainly didn’t resemble the fashion sense of Earth that she knew of. Still, not knowing was worse than knowing, since the imagination could be scarier than the truth. If she wanted to finally rid herself of this anxiety, she’d have to ask that dreaded, awful question.

“W-where…” She choked a bit, unable to form words as tears spilled from her eyes. Shuting them tight and taking in a breath, she tried again. “Where am I?”

“New York,” he answered, his stern features softening, “Earth, year 2017.”

It took her a moment for the words to sink in. New York. 2017. Earth.

[Y/N]’s body crumpled back in relief and the tears flooded like a broken dam. She covered her face in her hands, unable to stop herself from crying as the fear of being on another alien planet eased away from her. Sobs escaped from her as the sounds filled the near silent room. The man beside her just sat there, patiently waiting for her.

She wasn’t back on Sakaar. She wasn’t trapped on a foreign planet. She wasn’t sent to another place in time. She was still in New York. She was still on Earth.

It surprised [Y/N] how much the many years stranded on Sakaar had damaged her. Of course it was a scarring experience, but it never hindered her this much over the years she had returned to Earth. The memories resurfaced from time to time, often in the form of a nightmare, but they never bothered her to this extent.

“Who are you?” [Y/N] asked when she finally cooled down and recalled that she wasn’t alone in this strange room. Her eyes were still red and most likely puffy from all the crying, but he didn’t seem to mind. In fact, he was very calm, which helped her to feel a bit more at peace.

“My name is Doctor Stephen Strange.”

~

“You’re a what?”

Stephen had finished explaining where she was, why she was here, and how he had brought her there. He seemed to think that all of this was quite easy to comprehend, but a world of magic was just a bit difficult to believe. If he was categorized as a god or an alien, perhaps it would have been easier, but him being a normal human… Now that was hard to wrap her head around.

“I am the master of the mystic arts,” he repeated, “and I brought you here because I sensed an anomaly around you.”

“Look, Mister-”

“Doctor,” Strange interrupted her, adamant on getting that title across.

“Doctor,” she corrected, a bit drained from everything that went on, “I just experienced hell and now you want me to believe all this magic stuff?”

Honestly, she wanted to be mad. She wanted to be furious and throw a tantrum at the man who had caused her so much distress, but she was also tired. She was so exhausted due to all the change that went through her life, every bad experience just crashing back on her in that moment of hopelessness, that she just couldn’t muster up the energy to fight this man. He was a stranger to her. It was fine to leave it at that, wasn’t it?

“I just want to go home. Maybe take a nap. Can I go now?”

“Miss [Y/L/N],” the man replied, his expression serious and unchanging, “I keep tabs on everything that may be a threat to this world, but when you entered my city, there was just something off.”

“Off?” [Y/N] couldn’t even gather enough energy to feel offended.

“It’s as if the time around you is distorted,” Stephen clarified, trying to keep it simple so as to not confuse her. It didn’t really work.

Noticing her blank expression, he waved a hand in front of her, and a strange tingle prickled at her. She looked down at her own arms and noticed something rippling off her skin in almost transparent waves. It felt a bit odd, and she tried to touch whatever it was, but her hands just phased through them.

“W-what the-? What is this?” [Y/N] questioned, goosebumps forming at the intangibility of it.

“Thirty… No, twenty… Eight?” He muttered as he examined the ripples, his hand resting under his chin in thought, “Yes. Twenty-eight.”

“Excuse me?”

“You are off this timeline by twenty-eight years.”

It was then that it clicked. [Y/N] now knew exactly what he meant by off and anomaly. She didn’t know how he knew, but it seemed he was talking about her years on Sakaar. Still, she didn’t know this man. In fact, because of the stunt he just pulled, she didn’t trust him either. Why should she answer any of his questions?

“Ah, so that’s what happened,” Stephen nodded before she could even say a word. He leaned back in his chair, taking a sip of tea that seemed to appear out of thin air. “Well, nothing I can do about that. Strange, but harmless. I apologize for wasting your time.”

“Wait-”

But before she could finish, everything around her blurred. In the blink of an eye, a room full of old books, ancient artifacts, and elegant decor was replaced with the busy, bustling streets of New York. People walked around her, not even noticing that she had appeared out of nowhere.

She felt a bit queasy, the feeling of being transported from one location to another making her recall those wormholes and portals, but she swallowed back the nausea and blinked a couple more times. The sun was now high in the sky, showing how much time had passed. Its bright light made her eyes sting, since they had been adjusted to the dim lighting of that strange room. Shaking off the sick feeling, she gave up the idea of getting answers and simply let the matter drop.

“I really hate magic,” she grumbled, her mood fouled by the whole event as she finally arrived home and flopped onto her bed.

“Now that seems a bit harsh,” a coy voice whispered into her ear, making her jump back in alarm.

The man who stood before her was all too familiar. The years didn’t erase the memory of him, the image etched into her brain from all the rage she had felt for him that day. Without thinking on it for another second, her fist flew towards him, aimed directly at his face. However, her hand merely phased through the figure, his nose uninjured, as she stumbled forward from the lack of impact.

“Hello to you too, [Y/N].”

“Go to Hell, Loki.”

~

“Yes, the second-rate sorcerer,” Loki huffed, his brows furrowing slightly at the memory, “I must remember to pay him back someday.”

[Y/N] had given in once she realized he would not leave her alone.

He had sent a copy of himself onto Earth, admiring the “foolish actions of Midgardians” whenever he was bored, when he had happened upon her. Of course he was not looking for her, not even knowing that she was back on Earth and not with Thor, but he couldn’t pass up this opportunity to mess with her. Besides, he had some free time.

“You know Doctor Strange?”

She had known Loki for a few weeks back on Sakaar and though their relationship was far from friendship, it wasn’t as small as an acquaintanceship. They grew to tolerate one another, especially in the face of the Grandmaster, so of course they could hold a conversation. However, that became a bit awkward after Loki’s little mind tricks he had casted around the time of Thor’s arrival on the alien planet. Still, she hadn’t seen him in years. If she couldn’t forgive this god, then she could at least hold out so that she could find out how Thor was doing after all this time.

“We had a brief encounter,” he scowled at the memory and quickly pushed it aside before it could ruin his good mood, “but enough about me. I’m more curious on why you’re on Earth and not with my brother.”

“Wait, are you with him right now?” [Y/N] asked, sitting up on her bed and following Loki with her eyes as he wandered around her apartment.

“No, I am with a more… Rambunctious bunch,” he chuckled a bit dryly, clearly unamused by the company around him, wherever he may be. “Just some rebels rallied together to go help save Asgard from Ragnarok.”

That made her freeze. She had forgotten that she had been thrown back in time from that day on Sakaar. In Thor’s perspective, she must have been sucked up by that wormhole just mere minutes or hours ago. Not even a day must have passed by since then.

“Okay,” [Y/N] said, nodding as she took it all in. He was curious when he examined her reactions, but wasn’t too interested on what was buzzing through her head. As he was hundreds of years older than any Midgardian, he assumed her thoughts were just as insignificant. “So that means Thor made it off of Sakaar, right?”

“Of course,” the God of Mischief was a bit confused. Her question didn’t quite make sense to him and he didn’t like feeling left in the dark. With that, he decided return to his previous question. “Why are you on Earth?”

At first, [Y/N] was quiet. She wasn’t sure whether or not she should tell Loki about what had happened. First of all, she didn’t like him. Though her feelings towards him weren’t quite hatred, they weren’t very pleasant. Giving this god information was like arming him for battle. Secondly, [Y/N] enjoyed that slight bit of annoyance that shone on his face. It wasn’t a big win but she considered it one nonetheless.

After a while, [Y/N] finally gave in and decided to tell him everything. She took a gamble and prayed that he would pass on the information to Thor. He must have been worried about her since she was suddenly taken away. There wasn’t a day that went by that she wasn’t anxiously thinking back on what had happened after that day. Now that Loki was here, during the time where the battle against Hela was upon them, she desperately wanted Thor to know that she was alright and that he didn’t have to concern himself about her. His focus should go solely to his safety and his people. She didn’t want to hinder that.

“I see,” was all Loki said.

He looked bored, silently listening to her ramble on, but she had studied him enough to read him to a certain extent. Though his face portrayed indifference, his eyes sparked as calculations and thoughts raced through his mind. [Y/N] couldn’t decipher too much, she wasn’t a mind reader after all, but she knew he cared enough to hear her story out. Or at least he cared enough about the information she presented to listen carefully. Hopefully, he would pass on this message to Thor. That was all she could ask for.

Seconds turned to minutes as the silence continued. Surprisingly, the noiseless atmosphere wasn’t as awkward as one would have expected. The two of them were actually used to this, their days in Sakaar making any moment of quiet more blissful than stiff. Then, Loki looked up and glanced at what seemed to be an empty wall.

“Oh, looks like we’ve arrived,” Loki murmured, his image rippling as the main body stirred.

More and more of him started to disappear and for some reason, something within [Y/N] stirred.

“Loki!”

She called out without thinking. When he stopped fading, returning to a more solid image, and turned to her, more surprised than amused, she nervously bit her lower lip.

“Just…”

[Y/N] hesitated. She didn’t want him to know she was worried, given that she was still very mad at him, but she couldn’t let these words just be bottled up within her. Regret would consume her if something happen to him in this upcoming battle. They weren’t exactly friends, but how could she, in good conscience, let a man going off into a bloody battle go without settling debts?

If it wasn’t for him and his brother, she would have never escaped the confinements of Sakaar. Though she couldn’t forgive him completely for making her feel so humiliated that time he had forced her to spill her secrets, she still felt grateful to him for bringing a bit of Earth back to her. It must have been a small thing for him to share but to her… It granted her a sliver of hope.

“Just…” She took in a deep breath, steeling her nerves, and looked him in the eyes. Showing no weakness and only speaking the genuine truth, she finished her sentence. “Don’t die.”

His eyes widened, clearly not expecting those words to ever be directed at him.

“Well, not before I can kill you, anyways,” [Y/N] added with a grin.

A few seconds passed, something clearly happening where his true body was since his image kept flickering, and then, Loki smiled. Though it was that mischievous, signature smile of his, there was a glint that shone in his eyes before he faded away, leaving [Y/N] all alone in her little apartment.

Author’s Note: I’ll be taking a break from writing any more parts. Though a large part has to do with college and my daily life, I’ll mostly be on hiatus until after Avengers 4 is released so I can make the next few parts (which will be based on Infinity War) as accurate as possible. Thank you for sticking with me and enjoying my works! I hope you all will be patient and still want to read Discovered when I return!

[PART 11]

Tags: @themeanestlittlewitch  @stressedandbandobessed7771 @moistpotatobear @fxckingfat​

[miss-gioconda]

Some advice I wish I heard when I was struggling with depression

Two days ago I was sorting through my old child diaries and drawings. My family had saved them for me. What can I say... I was not the merriest child in the town. But I did have some dreams. I even left some letters for my future self.

And so I thought: maybe I should give some advice for today-myself too? Some advice I would like to hear the most. And perhaps I should share my experience of living with depression to teach someone to not be like me. The bad example is still valid!

As I have put it one or two times before in my lifetime, I’m going to perform an act of the emotional exhibitionism. 

So, here goes the trigger warning for depression.

Recently I have had a conversation on the human experiments and the price of life with my pal, and during our exchanges of view I’ve suddenly realized that I will give up on my life immediately and without thinking twice if that means that somebody better is saved or born. I’m not talented enough, and I’m not smart enough (I feel stupid almost nonstop). And these two characteristics are my ‘strong’ points by the way. Funny.

Speaking about emotional and common sense intelligence, I can not normally talk to people, I can’t support anyone, I can not empathize with anyone. I am not disciplined and purposeful; I can strive for three of four goals at the same time and not reach any at last. And dealing with only one goal is too boring, boring to the extent of tantrums. I can’t stand boredom. It is like a curse.

(Please do not dwell on negative thoughts, — if you can, of course, — for example, when I catch myself on these I try to do even most little things like brewing tea or changings socks or searching memes or anonymously asking anime rp-boys some funny stupidities).

I haven’t left my room for like a month; it’s holidays at my university after all. All I do is sleeping. More and more often I forget about the food, and I’ve noticed that I even don’t care anymore about my physical appearance (I don’t comb my hair, I’m okay with sleeping in not so fresh sheets, and it’s very tiresome to get a shower for example). I severely lost interest for my hobbies.

My family doesn’t notice it, though. I had nocturnal activity periods during my school years, so I suppose they think that I just eat and stuff at night. This is for better that they don’t notice. My grandpa suffers from second stroke and my mother tries to escape from anxiety because she is permanently jobless and my grandma has a progressive cataract.

(Please take care of yourself. Take a shower. Now. With your favourite soap. Dance to your favourite music. Eat some chocolate. And do not make family worried but only if it risks their heath. If not than ask for help and now).

Besides, they are already worried because of my high risk of the retinal detachment.

Doctors say that I will become blind sooner or later. Maybe from five to fifteen years.

So, shortly speaking, my apathy will only make the situation worse.

(Please do take breaks from a computer and a mobile phone and books. Please take more strolls. Buy one random book or action figure and have a cup of coffee).

I can’t even tell my bestie about it because she has such a position that the apathy is just one form of weakness and talking about it is some sort of teenager’s whining. I’m not a teenager anymore. So I don’t have any right to whine; whining people are pitiful. Ha-ha. So I can only shut up.

(Please don’t be sad about not being understood; all people are different, so they don’t have to understand you. No, your best friends do not try to offend you or devaluate you...)

My s/o doesn’t help either. She had known that I had a recurring condition even before I tried to talk about it more... profoundly two or three months ago. But she didn’t get it. She just asked me: ‘You were not like that before. What have changed? Did I do something wrong? Let’s buy coffee and have fun!’

Next time she told me that I just like to suffer, and if I like to suffer more than I like her then I should suffer along. She apologized, of course, some time after. But I don’t trust her now.

(... But please at the same time be careful around people; listen to your heart and if you see that one of your friends can possibly make you even miserable than just say nothing to them; you deserve better). 

So to speak, I have had same feelings before, and not even once. Several times during my high school and maybe two during my first year at university. The second-to-last time was the worst: suicidal thoughts were torturing me perpetually, and I saw in every car and in every other building an opportunity to muffle the voices inside my head. I could start crying at lectures in front of everybody. I tried to smoke and smoked frequently, maybe two or three cigarettes a day, — and for a recent nonsmoker it was a nauseating experience. I tried to drink myself to the point that I would not care about the pain so I could at last get The Thing done. I had a part-time job but I hated it, and I was forced to smile to every customer when I felt like shattering inside.

But at least I was showering and eating.

(Please leave a job you hate, and do not drink and smoke if you feel down, it will not help). 

At that time I had some seances with a psychological professional. She was too pushy, and after her consultations I felt worse. She was ruining my already nonexistent self-esteem. All I did was randomly picking cards and trying to describe myself in connection with the picture on the card.

Once she told me to write my top-ten best qualities, but well, I couldn’t find any. She tended to speak about her job as a tutor at medical college, and she liked to brag how good and successful she was (is) as a mother.

She was so pushy that I lied and lied. Being useless in front of someone so shiny and proud was awful.

(Please do not lie to your counselor, and if you are uncomfortable with your current one just change them). 

At my first seance she said I had a bipolar disorder. At my last she told me that I was healthy. That I had recovered.

I hadn’t, because that evening I found myself googling places to buy best ropes.

(Please do not read suicide forums. There are lots of judgemental people there and you may find yourself crying afterwards).

Now I don’t think about suicide.

It’s because I have realized that even my death would do nothing good for society. I’m useless both in the death and the life, so why should I care? And I will not become better or more useful. I can only whine.

(Please live one more day; it may be better tomorrow or it may not, but if you die now you will not know. And do you really want to leave behind such a beautiful world full of breakthroughs and sexy 2D boys and girls?)

High hopes frighten me. One should spend so many years and so much energy to achieve something (even something small), and when I start to reflect on the amount of work and the emotional dedication to apply to a great goal, I panic. And stop doing a thing.

(Please do make baby steps. Do not think about the big picture. You can even isolate yourself from this toxic internet community to not feel pressure of competition. Don’t compete at all, but just enjoy what you do!)

I have nightmares about going outside. Being outside means communicating with people, and I don’t have enough energy to pretend being happy and productive. I want do nothing; I want stop thinking; I want to lose sense of my identity.

Sometimes I have slight panic attacks, especially when I am at public spaces. Panic attacks start when I see everyone living their full lives — being smart, successful, loved; and then I start to compare myself to them. And then I feel the need to run as far as possible and as fast as possible just to hide inside some kind of dark place. During panic attacks I lose my voice and I had the tremor and I’m so, so, so afraid.

(Please — if you experience same symptoms — check info about panic attacks and how to deal with them. Please do not be embarrassed and ignore people who judge you. If you feel like crying, cry; if you feeling like leaving, leave. Your mental health is more precious).

Just one year ago I still tried to appeal to everyone, to fake my character just for the sake of being loved, but it didn’t work so I gave up. Now I don’t try to communicate. I know nobody would like to deal with such a gloomy person.

I feel guilt for my past and I’m afraid of my future. What can a blind girl do? And even if some miracle occurs, what can a stupid person do? Will I be forced to come back to being a service personnel?

(Please do not be guilty about your past; let it be forgotten; you matter no matter what you have done. You are the human and that’s enough to be appreciated. It is your natural right). 

I’m not rich enough to change my speciality at university. And, frankly, my university is not the best place in general (because of corruption & the authority some professors make personal use of & the lack of ways to be creative).

I assume my everything is slowly going to hell.

(Please believe that everything is slowly getting better, and one day you will be happy and satisfied with yourself; you will love yourself. At least you have one person to love you. It’s me. I love you).

I should smile more. Point. Smile. :) You should too.

[nursehealthcoach]

What is anxiety and what are different kinds of anxiety disorder?

Frequently Asked Questions About Anxiety

1. What is anxiety?

Anxiety is when your emotions of nervousness, worry, uneasiness take over in your mind and you have difficulty with focus and concentration in your everyday activities. You may even feel fear or dread while you are anxious. It’s normal to feel anxiety when giving a speech or presentation, when your teen takes the car for the first time by themselves, or when you are in an unfamiliar situation and not sure of what to do. Anxiety becomes a problem when the feelings are intense, excessive and interfere with your daily living and you have trouble controlling it.

2. What are different kinds of anxiety disorder?

There are 5 major types of anxiety disorders. Most anxieties fall into one of these categories. Generalized Anxiety Disorder or GAD. is when people worry about ordinary, everyday worries about finances, health, their children or parents, to an excessive amount where it can cause distress or impairment in your normal everyday functions. Obsessive-compulsion disorder, OCD, is when your thoughts are difficult to control, or you repeat an action over and over. A common OCD is excessive worry about germs to the point you worry about everything you touch may have germs on it and you repeatedly wash your hands or use hand sanitizer after you touch anything. These thoughts and actions bring no pleasure except to stop the thoughts and actions for a while until it starts again. Panic Disorder is defined as recurring unexpected panic attacks. A panic attack often happens without warning and can be debilitating. You suddenly feel short of breath, sweating, shaking, nausea, stomach pains, you may be dizzy, some people develop chest pain, some people feel a sense of impending doom. Panic attacks are usually less than 20 minutes sometimes only a couple of minutes. You may feel terrified and overwhelmed and not understand why. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, is an anxiety disorder that is related to a trauma in one’s past. It may be a soldier who has been in battle and seen some pretty traumatic stuff. It may be someone who was abused, or even attacked on the street. Symptoms typically start within a couple of months of the event, although some people don’t experience any difficulty several months or even years later. PTSD symptoms include flashbacks of the event, bad dreams and trouble sleeping, frightening or anxious thoughts, irritability or anger for no apparent reason. There may be a trigger to the symptoms. People often don’t associate what’s happening to them to their past trauma’s. Social Anxiety Disorder, or social phobias, is a feeling of being ashamed or embarrassed, or even humiliated, criticized in front of others in a public setting. They can be afraid of being judged or even fear of offending someone. Often this person has had a very stressful life experience in their past that may have been the cause, such as bullying or teasing in grade school, physical, sexual or emotional abuse. Social phobias often begin in the teenage years. Separation Anxiety Disorder is a lesser know anxiety disorder that is typically small children who become anxious when separated from their main caregiver. It can also happen to adults who can become extremely anxious about something bad happening to a loved one.

3. What is the worst kind of anxiety to have?

All anxieties can be bad, or not so bad depending on the person experiencing the anxiety. We all come into this world to learn and experience different things. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. How we each react to what happens to us is partly dependant on how we have learned to cope with what life gives us. People learn different coping skills from the important people in their lives - parent, caregivers, teachers, friends and people in authority. How bad or not bad symptoms of anxiety may be is very subjective and only the person experiencing the symptoms can know how bad it is for them.

4. Will anxiety go away?

Yes, and No. Anxiety itself is a fact of life. Like stress is. A stressful life event can give you anxiety, like getting married, starting a new job, losing a job, or moving to a new city. All people tend to experience anxiety once in a while in their lives. When the event is over the anxiety and stress is over. An Anxiety Disorder, however, is a different entity. Yes, it can go away, but usually people learn to manage it, decrease the severity of symptoms so it doesn’t disrupt their lives. There are many tools out there to use to manage your anxiety. Rapid Transformational Therapy is a fantastic one in that it helps you to find why you have an anxiety disorder, when it started and what you can do to help yourself.

5. What is anxiety where you think you are sick?

Illness anxiety disorder is a real thing, also call hypochondriasis, or health anxiety. It is excessive worry that you are sick or may become sick. You may have symptoms mild or severe that may be normal body sensations that with your anxiety become magnified. You go to your doctor who sends you for tests and scans and everything comes back negative. You may experience gastrointestinal discomfort that may become severe and find out that the stress of thinking you are ill is what is causing your symptoms. You may have experienced a serious illness in the past or a loved one may have had serious illness and any symptoms that may seem like that past illness may make you anxious and stressed. Risk factors for illness anxiety are: any major life stress, or threat of serious illness, history of past illness, relationship or family problems can cause excessive worry, or having other mental health problems. If you experience increasing anxiety find a coach or therapist who can help you.

6. What is anxiety where you can’t leave the house?

Agoraphobia is a type of anxiety disorder which is a fear of being in situations or places where escape may be difficult and help may not be readily available. Agoraphobic people are sometimes afraid to leave any environment they consider safe, like their home. They may have panic attacks, and feel trapped, in physical danger, feel helpless or even embarrassed. So, they tend to avoid places which may trigger any kind of intense anxiety lest they have a panic attack. Risk factors for agoraphobia include: having a panic disorder or other phobias, responding to heightened anxiety with fear and avoidance, experiencing major stress in your life, PTSD, abuse, having an anxious or nervous disposition. If you find your anxiety is increasing and getting in the way of living your life get help now.

7. What can I do when anxiety gets to be too much?

There is a long list of self help techniques that are excellent to calm a troubled mind when your anxiety starts getting in the way of living your life. Learning self care before your anxiety gets to the point you need your health care professional giving you a prescription is always the best option. • Number one on the list: accept your anxiety! When we let the occasional anxiety run its course without fighting it, it make the anxiety less than it was. Tell yourself “OK I’m feeling anxious about this. What is it that is making me nervous? Where in my body am I feeling the anxiety? It’s OK for me to feel this way. This is a normal response to a stressful situation.” • Start deep breathing. If you can, sit down and relax to the best of your ability. Deep breathing, slow, and from the belly, in through the nose and out through the nose. This tells your body you are not in any danger. It stops the stress response in it’s tracks. Your body can’t stay in stress mode when you are relaxed and breathing deeply. 2 minutes, 5 minutes, if you have 10 minutes then try the next one on this list. • Meditate. Once or twice a day for 10 or 15 minutes can teach your mind and your body how to be calm. Regular practice actually rewires your mind for calm. • Eat healthy. Cutting sugar and processed foods from your diet really will make a difference in your mood. A lot of chemicals that a re added to packaged foods will alter the hormones and enzymes that keep your body and mind running smoothly. Take a look at my website for more information on stress and anxiety.

8. What is an anxiety pen?

An anxiety pen is vaping with CBD. Vaping is not considered a healthy habit. The heat in your mouth, your wind pipe and into your lungs can cause inflammation and a host of other problems. That being said, it is no tobacco and has no nicotine in it. CBD, a cannabinoid that does have health benefits, is non-addictive as long as it is only CBD, with no THC in it. THC is the part of the cannabis that makes you high and you are considered impaired when you take THC. I don’t recommend vaping with anything. Some people do find relief of their anxiousness and it calms them down.

Do you have too much anxiety in your life? There are many ways to help yourself. See my website for tips. Call me for a personalized plan of care tailored just for you.

source: https://nursehealthcoach.ca/blog/82-what-is-anxiety-and-what-are-different-kinds-of-anxiety-disorder

[xuhoon]

paper roses

part 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

author’s note: hey my lovely readers! this part has angst. don’t worry, it’s only slight anxiety angst on y/n’s part. hao does his best to care for her.

1563 words

“Y/n?” Hao banged on the door, “Y/n please open the door.”

“Please leave me alone like I asked you to.” You tried to speak as calmly as possible.

“I won’t leave you alone, not ever. Let me in, honey.”

“You’re making it worse!” The breaking point is never easy, but it happened to be vocal. You could hear the sadness laced in the coughs and sobs as your chest filled up with air. Clutching your chest, you felt your strength escape you as pushing the door closed became harder and harder. Your grip slipped as you sunk to the floor, tears covering your face and hands.

“You’re crying! Baby, please let me in, let me hold you!” Hao finally pushed through the door and found you gripping your hair and your face buried into your knees. “Baby girl, honey, I’m here. Baby, I’m here. Please look at me. Come here, let me hold you.” He picked you up, placing you in his lap and wrapping you tight. You nuzzled into his neck and cried. Instead of stifled sobs, you let everything out. Screaming and crying, you tugged at his shirt and clawed into his back. He held you, softly petting your hair, humming little tunes until you exhausted yourself and you couldn’t scream anymore.

The first time something like this happened in front of Hao, you excused yourself. He didn’t need to know that you had panic attacks or bursts of sadness. But then one time you couldn’t avoid it. Everything froze, and your chest felt like caving in. Your breathing hitched as you sunk to the floor. Minghao immediately picked you up and took you outside to breathe fresh air, holding you close. Finally, calm, you explained what happens: that you get overwhelming sadness that limits your ability to function normally. While explaining, you started to cry into Minghao’s arms. He held you until you were ready to go back home where he cuddled you until you fell asleep.

Minghao knew that the only thing he could do in times like this was to give you love and care. He knew that the surefire way to calm you down was to wrap you up tightly in his embrace and never let go.

“Sweetie pie, are you okay now?” He finally spoke up once you silenced yourself.

With a few sniffles and a nod, you turned your head to face him. He removes his arms from you to wipe your remaining tears away. Kissing your cheeks, Minghao helps you stand on your weak knees.

“I’m sorry, I love you,” you say into Hao’s chest.

“Hey, hey, hey, sweetie, it’s alright. I understand that you need some TLC when this happens, right? Why don’t you take a nice warm shower and we can regroup, yeah? I won’t be too far. Call me if you need anything.”

“Okay… I’ll do that.”

“I love you, sweetie.”

“Wait, Hao, stay with me.”

“What should I do? Just sit on the toilet?” He giggled and pulled you back in for a hug.

“I don’t know, sing for me or something. I don’t want you to be away from me.”

“Baby you haven’t showered in what feels like decades, get in the shower!”

“It’s been a day, thanks. Also, it’s almost midnight.”

“Wow, so long, get in the shower. You know you’ll feel better if you do. I’ll sit on the floor with you okay?”

“Okay.”

Minghao accompanied you as you showered off the day and its stresses, singing loudly and slightly off-key with lots of notes that were way too high. He would do anything to see you smile. After you finished up and got ready for bed, with Minghao brushing his teeth at the sink next to you, he reached out to hold your waist with his free hand. You both stare at each other, laughing softly as you break to spit.

“Are you feeling better, baby girl?”

“Yeah, thank you. You know just what I need.”

“Cuddles, all the time!” He pulls you onto the bed with him, kissing your face and neck.

“You’re my better half, Hao.”

“And you’re mine. I’ll take care of you as long as we live.”

“I’m starting to think you’re the only one that knows how to.”

“To take care of you?”

“Well, when that happens. I’m just glad Junhui wasn’t home to experience that. I think that was the worst one I’ve had in front of you.”

“It lasted for a solid thirty minutes, but I’m glad it ended when it did.”

“Sometimes I’ll tire myself out and end up falling asleep from exhausting all of my energy. That doesn’t happen often though, and I haven’t had an attack like that in a while. I haven’t had any attacks lately.”

“I know, honey, and I’m proud of you. We all have slip-ups from time to time. It’s important that you release it all, getting it out of your system so I can refill it with love.”

“You truly are the best, Hao.”

“I know.”

You held each other close and waited for sleep to overcome, but not before letting tears stream down your face one last time. You hoped that Minghao didn’t realize this time, but he reached to the back of your head and started petting your hair, letting you know that he was there for you. This action led you to bury your face into his chest as you cried yourself to sleep.

–

“Junnie, she had a really bad anxiety attack last night. I finally got her calm this morning. I made her some breakfast in bed and kissed her until she was laughing. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what caused it.”

“You haven’t been dating for more than two months, yet she occasionally sleeps over and that’s when you see it. It only happens at night, right? I’m sure it’s just nighttime blues. Nothing has to have caused it, it could be plain old anxiety. There doesn’t have to be a reason to have anxiety. Have you tried to bring up the subject?”

“She says that it comes in waves, and some days she just wants to curl up and cry. It hurts me so much, I want to take it away from her.”

“You can only be there for her.”

“But Junnie—”

“You know that, Hao, just give her some space for now. Try not to smother her.”

“That’s what works to calm her down, if I just hold her until it stops.”

“I’ll be home in two days, you’ll be alright. Try and keep her busy, maybe go to that aquarium you two like? Or, how about that little café by campus?”

“Those are good ideas. I’ll think of something, thank you Junnie. Have a fun trip. Text me tomorrow?”

“Sure thing, don’t worry so much.” Click!

As Minghao ended the phone call, he turned around and looked guilty. He was shocked to find you standing in the doorway of Jun’s room.

“Minghao…?” you asked shakily, “Was that Junnie?”

“Yes baby, he’s having fun. He bought us some souvenirs.” He tried his best to hide that he was just talking about you.

“That isn’t what you two were talking about… was it?”

“No, baby, it wasn’t.”

“What did you say?”

“How long were you standing there?”

“Calming me down…” You looked down and held your hands together.

“Oh, baby, come here.” He walked toward you, bringing your head into his chest with a hug.  “Junnie and I are worried about you when you get like this. We want to make sure you’re okay.”

“I love you.”

“I love you and your smiling face, sweetie. Do you want to go on a date today? My treat.” He picked up your face, cupping it with his hands and bringing it to his lips, meeting you halfway. “You’re too short to kiss sometimes, but I’ll gladly bend down to smooch you every time.”

“Where should we go today?” You asked, eyes shining brightly. “Is it early enough to still have brunch?”

“Sunday brunch is so cliché. I love it,” he paused to lace his fingers through your hair, “So, you’re feeling better, baby?”

“BETTER, BETTER, BETTER BABY!” Scream-singing at the top of your lungs, you scared Minghao, causing him to jump.

“WE DO NOT QUOTE DAY6 IN THIS HOUSEHOLD IN VAIN.”

You both spun around laughing and singing.

“I’m so glad you’re smiling today, baby. Let’s go into town! We can go to that little crepe café on the corner!”

“Hao, before we leave…”

“Yes, sweetie?”

“Thank you. For worrying. It shows you care.”

“Of course I care, and Junnie too!” He grabs your hands, “We love you. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

The crepe café was quaint but charming, a frequent date spot for you two. The routine included getting one sweet and one savory, splitting them down the middle, and feeding each other bites. You were now known as the “regular couple” to the hostess.

Minghao often took you here when he wanted to treat you to something, or if he needed to get in your good graces. He knew that the familiar and comfortable atmosphere, combined with the sweet smell of crepes coming in and out of the kitchen, would always put you at ease. It wasn’t much, but holding his hand across the table as you discussed which new crepe to try, made you feel like this wasn’t a dream. He tried his best to make you see that he’s really your knight in shining armor.