#augh. it's just so terrible
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I'm genuinely so concerned about the fact that I don't have motivation for my creative hobbies anymore ._. I don't know what happened, and I don't know how to get back into them, and it freaks me out
#dru speaks#dru vents#i haven't finished an actual drawing since march 2022#OVER A YEAR#i've practiced drawing dallon and ryan's faces for a drawing i was thinking of doing#and i've occasionally doodled on scrap paper#and that's IT#i used to draw all the time#but now i just. never do it anymore#i'm not exaggerating btw i actually NEVER do it#and it just. feels so awful#people talk about creating art and they show their art to other people#and i always want to get involved and do that stuff too#but i just don't get ideas for drawings anymore. they used to come to me all the time but now they don't#and i just have absolutely zero motivation to do it. it never crosses my mind as an option#it's really scary#i have no idea how this happened and i have no idea how to fix it#a similar thing is happening with my reading motivation but i have WAAAAAY way way more motivation for reading than i do for drawing#and reading isn't even creative#augh. it's just so terrible#i miss making things so much :(
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Not my husband showing me a screenshot of your art and claiming that it looked like something I would gush over and me of course having to prove him wrong going psh nah intensely ignoring that I've had your blog marked to get notifications as well as bookmarked way back when we were only boyfriends in college. I really love your art btw, it's been wonderful watching your style evolve and your talent grow over the years. Also, Beau if you're reading this you're still wrong.
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#aaa but that just means your husband knows you very well!#that's so terribly cute ;o;#augh#answered#anonymous#yeah I wonder if he will see and recognize this#or did he come across one of my posts out of context#we might never know
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You, a fool: why don't you just do these comic pages in black and white if you hate coloring so much
Me, crying and shaking in front of my tablet after struggling with coloring for 4 hours straight: you will never understand a true warrior's bond
#the love hate relationship between me & coloring is unparalleled#LISTEN I do love colors. I think they fuck massively#and I adore lighting so much#but I'm SO BAD at it. just so bad.#god has given me beautiful lineart skills and absolute shit coloring skills#and yet I do love both...............#the thing is like. ok the colors aren't really 'bad' bad. like they're not terrible#but I struggle so much to get what I have in mind into the page#and then like. I absolutely love my lines and I think they're delicious(to me)#and then I put the colors on and it feels like an instant downgrade in the artwork AUGH#it is painful. 🫠#sleep.txt
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.besties help im having a moment again
#Robin processes emotions on main#yes i know i logged out. im back. just for this. because of the Nerves#so ok explanation. my college friend is visiting today#in person. we're in person friends. thumbs up. I used to see her once a week#and I'm so nervous about seeing this friend im driving myself CRAZYYY. it is NOT good for me to live w my parents#AUGH#i dont...... i don't wanna do this todayyy#I'm not physically up to going out today but also I'm not good at interacting with friends while in my parents' house. weeps.#I revert into the most anxious quiet and unhelpful child when I have her over at this house aughhhhh#IT'S NOT ANYONE'S FAULT EITHER it's just my stupid. brain and habits or something. I feel terrible about it though#I want to be a better friend but I just dont. have the capability rn#okay. okay. im going to have breakfast and then shower and then clean up my room#wait no first I'm going to text her#hnnnnng
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we moved on from this way too fast he makes me so sad he makes me so miserable
#he looks so terribly sad i will never move on from this#he just wanted a peaceful and comfortable life :(((((#with a nice job a nice house and a nice family augh :(((((#im already sad today im making myself miserable#im not okay good lord i love him so much im so sad#look at his eyes:(((#and the way he always covers his ears when he's stressed or spiraling im so MISERABLE#shawty said this my comfort character then picks a character that's never known comfort#sorry for the rant i needed to get it off#attack on titan#aot#shingeki no kyojin#snk#jean#jean kirstein
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horrible little imp man is plaguing my thoughts once more
#R TO THE I TO THE V-E-R!!#chaotic ramblings#head in my hands. i havent even seen that part#james spider webb#i hate him so much no i dont hes my little baby. but i want to bash his head into the sidewalk#look at him. he's batshit insane#spends the entirety of the first season being fucking pathetic well at least he's competent in the first half of the second season.#i get the impression that he starts being pathetic again in the second half#“yes yes it's a terrible loss” i Need him to interact with roddy#his conversation with taverner has me chewing up drywall what do you meeeean that's and actor. what do you mean#augh he's just so. he's so pleased w himself when he walks into that office but she really puts him in his place huh#this man's problem is that he doesn't know when to Not. he cannot just Stop Doing Things.#he's a lot like river in that regard but he would never admit that in a million years
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HEARTBREAKING
Worst Dad You Know Has an Extremely Endearing (Now) Reoccurring Character Trait
For further context: this whole FB involved Sharena and Henriette seeking out lockpickers in the Order of Heroes to open this VERY SECURELY locked box from Gustav's room that took Tina's special staff to finally crack open (or rather -- "steal" the contents out of. No one could actually break the lock!)
And the first instance of this!
It makes me wonder if he saved anything related to Sharena..........
#fire emblem#feh#man. henriette's sad portrait w 'yes. he must have' carries so much bittersweet grief. augh#when it comes to sharena idk if i would be more angry if he did save something or if he didn't. i'm almost leaning towards the first though#like. idk if i can even word it but it fucking sucks when you have family that 'loves' you and they do actually genuinely love you#but they just. do it wrong. and fail you severely in the process. you think to yourself it would have been easier actually#if they had simply never loved you at all. or if they were upfront and told you they don't love you anymore.#at least then you can be as vindictive as you want and hold a grudge forever and be completely justified#but extremely begrudgingly this DOES make gustav a compelling character. in so many ways#you can see where it all went wrong. you can see henriette sees something in him that no one else can. and she's not crazy for it#she was probably there. she probably saw it all happen. she knows him w a level of intimacy no one else does.#and now you see these little humanizing traits. he loved his son. he loved his partner and wife.#juries still out on his daughter.#but you get what i'm saying right? it's terribly tragic. it's painful.#man.#i'm still gustav's number one hater though. just so we're clear.#AUGH IT'S JUST. THE PLAYFULNESS OF IT. IS ACTUALLY SO PAINFUL. LOOKING AT EVERYTHING WE KNOW#they had a rock competition........ to find the roundest rock.......... and she won....... and he saved the rock she found......#THAT'S. AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#you cannot fucking IMAGINE gustav doing that. and yet. in another time. he did. and that's who henriette fell in love with#and that's who herniette still sees. and she's not fucking wrong for it. not entirely. he still has that fucking rock.#dude i'm gonna be sick.#fe gustav#fe henriette#sharena#fe tina#fe alfonse#he's. mentioned. might as well tag him LMFAO
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okay gamers I think we’re back in the pits bc I fell asleep putting together a DT timeline for eyrie and estinien
#it’s up in the air rn I could change my mind#I was reading old fic and. yeah. yeah#their whole like. thing in radz at han before eyrie returns to sharlayan and meets wuk lamat#the whole could it work out if things had been different#if they were both different people. but maybe they never would have fallen in love#the horrid thing is that Estinien is terribly in love w eyrie still#all through DT it’s like. he still loves them so so much#time makes the heart fonder but he was already so fond#and eyrie is too. seeing Estinien in the throne room was just like a punch to the gut#of how much they did miss him#and they catch him afterwards before he leaves#they spend an evening together out in tural#augh they’re eating my brain#I do think in post-DT they are approaching being together again#eyrie set aside a lot of stuff in DT#it wasn’t easy that’s for sure but it’s different compared to ShB and EW#in a way it’s like how their time in the firmament finally let them put haurchefant to rest#the way the yok huy see death lets them….come to terms with the grief and loss of hydaelyn#they spend a lot of time with the yok huy after DT#we’re talking weeks of time being a recluse in the mountains#they glue a lot of journal pages into these wide drawing spaces#and they make large paintings akin to the yok huy murals#one for venat. for themis. for their dearest ardbert#there’s an unfinished one for Hermes and Zenos#they healed a lot in DT#oc: eyrie kisne#dawntrail spoilers#endwalker spoilers#I’m messy and I’m gonna work on my timeline now
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rant ab the tech industry in the tags read if u want
#uhhhwhere do i begin. I want to work on ai and robots and stuff really bad. I:d have fun. I love them. Etc#But the way the industry is going i really don’t want to be involved in creating things that are actively currently used to ruin people’s#lives. Or even take them. That)s just so backwards#it makes me so terribly fucking sad bevause there’s so much potential to do good but it just isn’t doing that#Because of CAPITALISM and RICH ASSHOLES and VIOLENCE and augh. Augh can’t we all just chill for a minute? Can we kill the rich and start#Loving each other? For once??? Like plesse. Plesse i’m so sicj and tired#I want to help people with new tools but the tool is currently stained wuth blood and it seems to posess people to kill and hurt further#I don’t want to sacrifice my humanity to find more ways to spill blood
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I'm thinking about love in malevolent
Arthur and John love each other. Obviously. And that's what makes them so powerful. It's how they've survived this far. Exactly how Arthur says in ep 30.
But at the same time, it's what led to the events of ep 20. they didn't want the king to win, but the fear wasnt about the king getting more powerful, it was about losing each other.
And then there's all the examples of people clinging to or becoming horrific things because they remind them of their loved ones. Kellan and the vanguard. The widow on the island. The wraith, even. If popular theories are correct, Marie and whatever's in that secret room.
(I'm not getting into Larson and his family. I don't think he ever loved them. If he did, he would never have done that)
I don't fully know what I'm getting at here. Love is powerful, I guess. With the capacity to cause great and/or terrible things. It's such a human thing.
#malevolent#malevolent spoilers#im very normal about this podcast#but seriously john and arthur are my favourite relationship of all time#especially as an aro person#its amazing to see love being presented as such a Powerful force while being 0% romantic#like romantic fan content is fun#but this means so fucking much to me#the flood of people telling harlan this got it on my mind#im so happy this story exists#i should clarify that by 'love is a human thing' i do NOT mean that love is what makes us human#i mean it can be really good AND really terrible just like people!#which is something i need to talk about later. the messiness of humanity. the constant struggle to do good. augh
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Started pd recently, I love Ashe sm so here is some sketches
#just roll with it#jrwi#just roll with it prime defenders#jrwi ashe winters#ashe winters#just roll with it ashe#jrwi ashe#augh im terrible at tags#anyway i love them theyre so trans
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Peaked into my Lovefell doc to see how much still needed done
#it wasn't funny enough for alt text but I'm trying to break the habit of not adding it#sunny with clouds#bites him is like the absolute nicest thing I could say about LF Asgore I want to kill him#horribly with hammers#or other blunt force objects#I'm normally pretty strict with myself abt not just grossly mischaracterizing characters for the sake of Plot or whatever but unfortunately#due to circumstances asgore really got the short end of the stick in this au. I can't say it's out of character exactly but there are so#many things that changed him between ut and uf and now uf to lf that I can't say I HAVENT mischaracterized him yk? hard to explain#he’s true to himself in MY lore but if you don't agree w/ my lore than he’s not at all and I understand.#but yeah. awful. awful and terrible#but this ain't about him LACE I LOVE YOU#I LOVE YOU LACE#AUGH#putting his tag for anyone who might see this and want to see him#LF lace#is that person me right now?#perhaps. perhaps.
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🌹two aces?
yessssss so here's another clip from loneliness into loneliness, the queerplatonic two aces fic, from a bit later in the same scene as the previous clip, actually. it's a bit long so most of it is under the cut!
Dani’s still watching him with curious, attentive eyes, and doesn’t look like he hates what he’s hearing. What Jamie is saying doesn’t seem to be making him want to get up and run, or shut the conversation down, or… Or anything else, really. He’s just listening, waiting for what’s coming next. This is just encouraging enough that Jamie goes on in a sudden rush, the words nearly tripping over each other on the way out.
“I mean, only if you think you’re interested in that sort of thing, I just- the way things have been since I came to stay here is like- I think this is the happiest I’ve ever been, in a weird sort of way.” It feels like something Jamie wasn’t supposed to admit, even though it’s true. He heaves a short, hard breath and knots his fingers together, hoping he’s making at least some kind of sense. “Here, with you. Living with you, being with you all the time, doing, just. Doing life together with you. Sleeping with you-” Jamie cringes at the way it sounds, and says, “I mean, not like, I mean- you know what I mean.” When he risks a quick glance over, Dani is smiling at him, faint amusement in his eyes. “Yes, I do,” he says, and the mirth in his voice is light but unmistakable. It’s enough that Jamie’s shoulders lose an ounce of the tension that’s been ratcheting up the longer he’s been trying to explain, and he’s able to go on. “Right. Right, and, look, I just - I don’t want to give that up, I guess?” Jamie is surprised and horrified to discover that he’s having a bit of trouble breathing. His chest feels tight and his eyes are a bit hot. He clears his throat before he goes on just to be sure that his voice won’t crack or anything equally as horrific. The explanation is already coming out in this faintly shaky, too-quick ramble, and he’s sure he sounds mental. He doesn’t need to add ‘about to cry’ to that. “I’d just… I want to keep this. The way things are, with us, and I just- I want it to be on purpose. I want to take care of you, and to-” The sentence stops. Jamie bites his lip and waves a hand, looking at the carpet and not at Dani, then forces himself to finish, “To let you take care of me, too. It’s just an idea, we don’t have to- I can just go and everything can go back to normal but I wanted to say something just in case… In case maybe you might want that too.”
#gav gab#gd the struggle of trying to figure out how to write this without having him just say like#'hello. i would like to be in a queerplatonic relationship with you. here is what that means by the way.'#gav answers#writing liveblog#this is one of those scenes i feel is like#unbearably cringey and terrible but also it's Very Important#to the narrative at large and to me personally so#augh#it does help i have Had This Conversation#we don't really use 'queerplatonic' as a descriptor just as a matter of personal preference but i have Had This Talk#and that's helpful but also not bc i'm like#does this sound normal still- does it sound okay-#fic: loneliness into loneliness#ask box games
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in many ways starting a new job is the it's so over/we're so back meme.
#it was the scariest thing in the entire world. and then i was like ohhh okay i get it.#and now it's SCARY again 😧#i'm doing things by myself and talking in meetings now but what if i'm doing a terrible awful job and everyone thinks i'm stupid....#i have to talk in meetings with really high level scary people who are IMPOSSIBLE to read 😭#and i definitely could've done a BETTER job today. augh#trying hard not to stress about it but :(#i'm a month and one day in#and i think i'm just experiencing what it is to have a new job. but i don't like it. ESPECIALLY because i've been burned so many times 😭#but it's so fucked i'm not as competent and comfortable one month into this job as i was 2 years into my last job. you know.#like i'm sure it'll get easier in many ways. but 👎#personal
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shoutout to cassel and lila for SUCKING!!!!! I HATE THEM!!!!!!!!!
#tzu rambles#god i could go on about why theyre terrible for each other in all the ways that make htem end up together#they feed into each others worst habits.#lila liking power over others and cassel being used to ppl taking advantage of him#ive seen ppl who dumb it down to “he likes to be dominated” or whatever#i mean you do you but its pretty clear that its a result of the way his brothers have always treated him#wait yeah he listerally compares them to each other#“i was used to fast anc cruel brothers. and i worshipped her” AUGH#she reminds him of everything hes ever known#and she likes him because he listens to her when nobody else does#and she kind of takes advantage of that and he knows she does#he lets her anyways#its so bad its so good#and like anton is just like philip and barron if not worse#but hes lila's COUSIN. so its different#bc he's more guest than family#and so she doesn't develop the habits cassel does. cassel was born into this#HES the guest#but to lila anton is some guy coming and messing with her friend#so she wants to stand her ground#and that reflects in how they are#i think its interesting that even in rejecting his brothers he still just follows lila around#still on the first book though so we'll see what he does#they make me crazy!!!!!! augh#also his relationship w his mom probably affects this too#like. u have ur mother toying with your emotions to get you to do what she wants. idk ofc ur gonna be a little strange about ppl making+#you do things#also how lila sees herself as older than she is and i think cassel thinks of her thkat way too sometimes#they just suck i hate them
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(delusional) i need to make dawntrail glam for timmy….
#yappingway#my thmvn universe. augh i miss them so terribly#the new endgame dungeon glams are gonna look good on him i just know it in my heart
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