#augh dont get me wrong i experience the joys of it very much
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liking things is so exhausting
#augh dont get me wrong i experience the joys of it very much#but. its so much brain activity thats happening and im not used to it.#its the being excited part that gets to me ig.#why does my actual heart start racing. because im looking at a figure??? a picture of PLASTIC??? wild.#it would be so much more easy to just. exist as a blank slate.#hii do you get why i wanna be a robot <33 hehe#sillyposting#i dont think i actually WANT to not experience anything obvs.#its just.#ive been plenty of sorts of mentally ill during my 16-19 years.#and before that i wasnt even aware of autism so i. think looking back i always felt dull.#not that i can get a good grasp on that bc. ofc not.#so.#im finally FEELING.#ive noticed im clearly spending more money on stuff i want.#and the fact that i actually WANT things. is still new to me.#its strange.#to finally experience what should have been so normal.#this is not only related to personal interests but also to. interaction with my parents ig.#ive been way more active and kind and overall present to them i think.#which could be growing up etc but i KNOW part of it is that ive just. gotten better mentally.#and its scary.#to see such a contrast between how i know i used to be and how i am now.#its so scary.#i know im changing for the better.#but its weird.#its weird to heal.
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