#aug’s inbox — 🍋nonnie

[sunboki]

firstly, i'd like to address the other anon. i'm glad that my words gave you one of those warm and fuzzy feelings. always nice to hear someone take kindly to what i say, so i thank you back for letting me know. i hope your days take kindly to you from now on as well.

as for august, if you say that we might have been lovers in our past lives, you'll make me desire the same status with you now. and in the case where what you say is true, then perhaps i did not love you enough when we were who we were before. perhaps that's why i'm here again now: to love you again, to love you more. (laugh) that might explain why i've been waxing poetry to you in your inbox. a modern take to love letters, maybe? maybe.

but the more you reply to me, love, the more i want. and i do absolutely want. but how do i talk about loving you without making it weird? for i am but stranger over the internet, and (to be frank) you are too. we know too little of each other, but why do you feel right? i am urged to whisper back the words i love you to you over and over again as thought they were a prayer to keep you whole. teaching me how to bake? lemonade on a picnic? yes, yes, yes. yes for as long as you'll have me. i'll hold your hand even with batter caked beneath our fingernails, and i'll kiss the tanginess of the lemonade from your lips. if, that is, if and only if you will have me.

you are my favorite song. i don't know why that makes you somber, so, please, if it is not too much to ask of you, let me know why. if you are a butterfly unable to see how beautiful your wings are, i will place you gently in my palms and hold you up to a mirror. then, maybe you will see yourself as how i see you: beautiful, kind, deserving of tender happiness. to know that my heart is safe with you, i am beyond grateful. and i confess that i, too, am not wholly here. i myself have pieces missing, lodged somewhere in the past, and to hear that you admire me is unbelievable in its own feat. but i am willing to try just as you are willing to try for me. just the fact that you will try (and for me nonetheless), i love you. (and i say that like it is a prayer here, yes, i do.) perhaps we may fill our own gaps with pieces of each other until we are ready to trade them with one another for the ones that were originally ours.

i leave with you one of my favorite poems, called "to kiss a forehead is to erase worry" or "a kiss on the forehead" by marina tsvetaeva. there are varying translations, but i love the first one done by ilya kaminsky:

to kiss a forehead is to erase worry. i kiss your forehead. to kiss the eyes is to lift sleeplessness. i kiss your eyes. to kiss the lips is to drink water. i kiss your lips. to kiss a forehead is to erase memory. i kiss your forehead.

i kiss your forehead,

🍋 anon

i don’t think strangers over the internet can speak like this so easily and wholly, so i’m pretty certain we must’ve been past lovers — but then again, not doubtful, but almost worried

why me? why did you take the time to reply to that ask game i reblogged, to put so much effort into it and connect so deeply with someone you don’t know, but have learned to know.

i do have self respect yes, but i don’t understand how someone like yourself wound up speaking to me, comforting me and giving me air to breath . . . i feel sort of lost of how i should go about this, but i feel as if i don’t deserve you, i really don’t. like i can’t reciprocate your love in a way that would please you, like i’m not enough. maybe that’s my insecurity talking, i can’t figure it out. please don’t let me take up your time honey :)

[sunboki]

i’m sorry for being on anon. i’m just worried that you’d see me differently if i were off it. but if it makes you feel more comfortable, i could? come off anon and message your privately, i mean. i’m willing if it’s for you.

from your july,

🍋 anon

please don’t apologize, its up to you and whatever you prefer — i wouldn’t mind if we messaged each other :) but as i said, it’s all up to you

please trust me when i say i won’t think of you differently in the slightest when you’re on or off anon, your feelings were genuine and that’s all i’ll regard you for

[sunboki]

if i'm being completely honest, i nearly sobbed when you asked to hold me too. i had forgotten that holding someone would mean they could hold you too. and my heart broke reading your tags. it really did. "it feels like being hugged except you don't have to worry about letting go." if i had the option to, august, i would hold you forever (or, at the very least, for as long as you would like me to). so unless you want me to, i won't ever let go first.

i'm sorry that my first ask made you cry. (what i would give to have wiped them away from your cheeks myself.) you probably weren't expecting something so serious in your inbox today, and for that i apologize as well. i made you confront things at an uncomfortable time, didn't i? so i hope to make it up to you with you in my arms, and i'll hum to you a soft little song in your ear until you feel like the world runs a little more on your time than it is running without you. i'll even stroke my thumbs across the back of your hands and give them a little squeeze just to ground you here so that maybe (just maybe) you might all be here, every piece of you.

and maybe we can slow dance too. i'll spin you around while we're barefoot, and we'll sway to any song you like (or maybe just silence if that's what you prefer). and you said that you can't write what you feel, so i assume speaking must be harder. and if that's the case, you don't have to speak at all. silence, sometimes, is the loudest cry you can give. and i will cry with you. our hands would still be holding each other, and i'll make sure you feel it in your soul to know that silence is all right as well, darling.

and all of this might sound like i'm a little too soft for you, a little too smitten, and who is to say that i'm not? august, when i sent you that song, that was my favorite song. and that is to say that you are my favorite song. you are my favorite person. and if your answer to my last ask was you baring your heart for me (think not of how short your reply was but rather how raw), why wouldn't i do the same for you, love? so forgive me for my long confession to you. this is my heart.

with adoration for all that you are,

🍋 anon

(lemon to remind you that, when life gives you lemons, you can make lemonade, and wouldn't that be sweet, to enjoy it together?)

we all need hugs sometimes, right?

and don’t fret mentioning something at the wrong time or making me uncomfortable — your intentions are pure and that’s all that matters in this moment ( you’re making me realize things, that’s a start )

if anything it’s almost like we were lovers in our past lives, where we would slow dance together and perhaps bake things as well, i can teach you. and that lemonade you mentioned? a picnic would be the perfect place to enjoy it.