#audhd behavior lmao

[riwrite]

thinking abt the unit songs and how weird they are in-universe?? we're never really given a full explanation for them beyond that they're also born from the sekais and we know from the virtual lives technically being canon that the kids definitely know them but their existences are never touched on beyond that. like. the untitled songs are the only ones with plot relevance and considering that the unit songs are the result of significant beats of solo character arcs i feel like they're almost under-explored in an in-universe context?? unless im forgetting smth but idk they're just weird!!

i got thinking abt it bc i was thinking abt toya ( what else is new lol ) and how like. honestly when the story of the game starts, his personal arc is already years underway. he's not unique in that by any means, we meet a lot of the characters in the middle of where their arcs might be if they were solo protagonists, but period of nocturne is about him finally, after years from his own perspective, confronting his dad about his love for street music and gaining that begrudging sort of acceptance from him about it. and the song that's created from his feelings about that kicks off with violin and is joined by piano partway through the intro but very quickly becomes something not necessarily unusual but atypical for what most associate with either instrument. and i've been thinking about what hearing that for the first time would have felt like for him — this song that's a perfect harmony between the instruments through which his parents abused him and the music through which he's found his freedom and how despite his upbringing and his struggles with classical even now, music is so deeply a part of him. so much so that during their fight in the vbs main story, akito calls toya on his shit by saying that he doesn't know anyone as passionate about music as toya is — and we see in walk on and on that he finally embraces the desire to write it again ( i can't believe it's been over a year since walk on and on where is his fourth event. where is it where is he ) because it's just so important to him and who he is. his whole life has been music for better or for worse and he is the classical music he was raised on as much as he is the street music he performs today and rad dogs is 100% toya in a song, much more to me than mirai or utsuro wo aogu, while they aptly explore the parts of him they were written for, are

[vikcacao]

IM SO HAPPY THIS IS A SAFE SPACE FOR INDANE PEOPLE LIKE ME. dude it's all I think about and i litteraly NEED 2 draw them more omg.

Ok yap sesh incoming so be warned this will be a long one.

Ok so like at first after reading May's unckuna fic End Of Beginning I rlly wanted 2 make a modern no curse au fic of my own. Smth about sukuna and his dysfunctional emotionally unavailable and horrifically traumatized ass taking care of jins kid has a special place in my heart fr... and then ofc at first I had an au where I ramp up all the dark shit 2 like 1000000 billion.

At some point I'm not feeling the au bc it got super dark and I needed smth new after I saw the end of jjk. So I made a new au with my fixation about yuji being a basketball player with the idea of him having the same issues as me, and then I realized he wouldn't be scared of the same shit as me so i changed it again. I made it itafushi...

The way this idea occurred was bc one day I was watching a SHIT TON of r/inceltears and r/niceguys on it and it inspired me alot. Also nerd x jock thing...?? Yeah I put a stupid little twist 2 it and made megumi and incel.

BEFOR PEOPLE THROW TOMATOES AT ME, REMEMBER THIS WAS AN IDEA THAT WAS LIKE "lmao that would be so funny if megumi was a bitter incel and yuji was an allstar basketball player that everyone loved... omg he would hate him fr." And then boom the au started... it was a crackfic of an idea spawned by stupid hyperfixation on incel misery and at first I wasn't even gonna write about it.

The more I thought and talked about it the more in depth it became dude... like I've BEEN friends with an actual incel and I was in a rlly bad situation bc of it so I kinda wanted 2 base my expirence with those kinds of people in the fics. Then I started researching.... and hyperfixating and uhhhh then it spiraled out of control bc my autism said that IT NEEDS 2 MAKE SENSS 2 IRL ISSUES AND "OHHH I CAN TACKLE THE HARM THAT ONLINE SEXUALIZATION OF WOMEN AND MYSOGONY HAPP3NS!! I CAN TAKLE CONCEPTS OF PEER PRESSURE WITH PEOPLE ON DISCORD AND SHOW A CHARACTER SPIRALING 2 THE DARK SIDE FROM THEIR OWN STUPIDITY ON THE INTERNET!! I CAN SHOW TEEN VICTIMS WHAT ITS LIKE GETTING IN AND HEALIMG FROM THOSE SITUATIONS!!"

And then I started taking it super srsly... crack treated srsly tag will need 2 be added ig...

Main premise of the fic is this.

Megumi is an incel and yuji is the allstar on the basketball varsity team. Best of the best.

Megumi hates yuji bc he's jealous and bc he's insecure, hating on a "typical chad" bc being an angry bitter loner is easier to take out on someone else (who's a stranger) than trying to figure out what's wrong, let alone fix his issues. Meanwhile yuji wants to be Megumis friend soooo bad that it's embarrassing how many times yuji tries 2 start a conversation with him.

One sided hate my beloved...

Yuji don't realize that megumi hates him so he tries 2 talk and at some point (begrudgingly) they become friends(?) !

Yuji finds out slowly but surely about all of megumis problems and tries 2 help him heal from it all. Not gonna say 2 much but like imagine an absolute loser who wants 2 die and is a walking red flag and u have megumi.

Yujis favorite color IS red tho so... yeah jokes aside yiji sees the good in him blah blah blah he's gonna save him in every universe and oh btw did I mention that megumi has awful emotional regulations around yuji??? Bc he's the only one that wouldn't run away from him or be disgusted with him?? I also looked into like alot of autistic behaviors for teens and shit so he fits the bill perfectly.

Yes my goats both have autism

Yuji with that AuDHD swag and megumj wit the autism sauuceee!!

Ok yeah imma stop bc this is like a wall of text even for me. SIGHHHHH BACK 2 THE CELL OF MY OWN MIND... TIME 2 GO BACK 2 BEING INSANE WITH MYSELF...

ALSO FEEL FREE 2 TELL ME ALL ABOUT UR AU IM SO IN LOVE ALWAYS GNG!!

THIS IS SO UNIQUE AND COOL !?!?! Megs being an incel would never cross my mind, but it seems possible

And I like the Yuuji helps him, that seems like a fascinating read honestly, I love recovery (the more realistic the better honestly)

((And I'm sorry that you've had bad experiences in the past with folks like incels, I've watched a lot of the r/nice guy stuff too, and idk. I'm glad it sounds like you're no longer in your bad situation, hopefully at least))

[biggie-chcese]

sholmes for the ask thingy :]

the sillerrrrr

favorite thing about them probably like everything he does in the dances of deduction. also his melodramatic behavior just in general i love this asshole

least favorite thing about them hrmm. probably the way he treats soseki? i know he fucks with everyone but with soseki it just feels particularly meanspirited to me djkafsd i just feel bad

favorite line this is such a hard choice. such a hard choice. this is like asking a parent who their favorite child is. he has so many damn good lines in this game. pass.

brOTP him and iris! i genuinely adore their father+daughter dynamic and how much she takes after him. the art of younger sholmes taking care of baby iris lives rent free in my head

OTP ryulock 100% and it is not even a contest

nOTP vanlock. not a fan at all. there's no deep reason why. i just dont care for it

random headcanon *points at him* AUDHD.

unpopular opinion i do not find this man attractive im sorry 😭 i love him a lot but he is so entirely not my type lmao

song i associate with them Hœrgüpjelly Kisses by Jazz Emu (though this is specifically within the realm of ryulock). in a more broad sense, i associate Jazz Emu as well as Weird Al with herlock because both of these artists give off a highly specific "goofy ass white boy" energy that i think herlock would thoroughly relate to and enjoy

favorite picture of them

for my money it's gotta be crackhead herlock WOOO YEAHHH GIVE IT UP FOR CRACKHEAD HERLOCK!!!!

[devilsskettle]

okay can i say something. it is actually very troubling to me that adhd is considered a “trendy” diagnosis, people were saying it was over-diagnosed when i was a child (including doctors which was why i was never assessed as a child despite my parents and multiple teachers having concerns that i showed symptoms but w/e) but now it’s only gotten worse with how it’s talked about on the internet and i think on one hand it’s this boogeyman threat that all kinds of kids are self diagnosing just out of like some kind of ego or clout thing or as an excuse to be lazy which i actually don’t think is what’s happening but also i do think a lot of people are pathologizing behaviors that are within the spectrum of “normal” neurotypical behavior and attributing them to autism or adhd (and not even distinguishing between autism or adhd anymore? like it’s one thing to apply an umbrella term of neurodivergence but what is an “audhd” trait like i feel like i understand where that idea came from wrt solidarity among people with overlapping symptoms or people who are diagnosed with both but it has gotten out of hand i believe. i can hardly find anything in internet spaces about adhd specifically, it’s all about general neurodivergence or actually just autism even though it’s being tagged as #adhd for exposure like???? that’s not helpful lmao and don’t even get me started on casually using “the tism” as a way to describe AGAIN just basically normal neurotypical behaviors that people find cringe arbitrarily or like. having interests lol). but anyway it’s again like the same thing that happened with depression and anxiety, people were trying to actually make progress and destigmatize those disorders so that people could have better access to treatment and not feel ashamed for something they can’t control about how their brain works but then people decided it made you more interesting so then a lot of people say they have mental health issues (and many do! i don’t want to invalidate anyone’s experience but i also have to recognize that being depressed and/or anxious WAS something that people propped up for clout or something idk) but then there’s still so much judgment for severe symptoms and how it affects people’s lives like as soon as you say it’s hard to take care of yourself, it’s hard to shower and brush your teeth, it’s hard to do anything because it’s hard to care about anything, it’s like nooooo you’re just not trying hard enough! i’m depressed and i get up at 5 am every day and do a 3 hour workout, shower, and eat a full breakfast, pack a full lunch, go to my 9-5, come home and read an entire book and cook a whole dinner and wash all the dishes and do laundry, then go to bed at 8 pm! if i can do it so can you!! actually you just need to buy the right products so you can be happy because that’s what all the health wellness fitness influencers are selling these days. anyway i think now we’re all bored of depression and anxiety because those aren’t they “actually bad” mental illnesses, those are the mental illnesses that everybody already has so you can’t get clout or sell anything to people anymore based on a mood disorder, you have to have a personality disorder or be neurodivergent to REALLY be suffering and therefore interesting (btw if being depressed or anxious affects your life in any way we will beat you to death with hammers). and it sucks because the things they tell you when they decide you don’t have adhd when you think you probably have adhd are TRUE like everybody finds some things difficult and tedious, everybody runs a little behind schedule sometimes, everybody struggles to keep up on their responsibilities, but we all have to do what we’re supposed to do because we’re adults and excuses aren’t gonna cut it anymore. but when you go but wait i think my inability to do certain things is really holding me back in my life and everyone else seems to be able to do these things (even if they “don’t want to do them” they still can do them with far less effort than it seems to take me?) they go hahaha you stupid little girl,

(character limit paragraph break) you’re actually just stupid and lazy and also so very stupid for thinking you have some magical special thing wrong with your brain that makes you bad at things, you just need to try harder like hmmmm where have i heard that one before. oh yeah when i was ripping up my legs every night of my teenage life because i wanted to kill myself without having to kill myself and nobody cared that i was sad because everyone was sad and everyone wanted to kill themselves how dare you want anyone to give a shit don’t you know that they’re more sad than you? it’s not a competition though don’t invalidate anyone else’s feelings!! until you finally have to admit what’s happening and go to a doctor and when antidepressants aren’t helping like you need them to it’s just why don’t you get a job! why don’t you have a job yet! i’m obviously the only person in the whole world who has told you that you need to get a job, i’m very smart i’m a doctor and i diagnose you with not trying hard enough. you’re depressed because you don’t have routine, all those years of your life when you were depressed within the structure of school were a fluke, lack of routine is actually the problem. yeah i’m sooo sure. anyway i guess i just feel like it’s so obvious to me that i have been depressed, it’s so obvious to me that i have adhd, i have a family history of it, i have a personal history throughout my childhood of adults recognizing symptoms, i am experiencing real concrete symptoms with real concrete consequences, i am so scared that i will not be able to have a good or even just livable life if i can’t get this under control, but i’m so EMBARRASSED that i might be “self diagnosing” and i’m wrong and i’m trying to make myself feel more special or give myself an excuse to be a fuck up and i’m just another dumb gen z girl falling for all the terminally online misinformation bullshit, and even if i’m not, other people will see me that way including doctors who i have had bad experiences with already about being very unkind and dismissive wrt my mental health concerns. IF they don’t see me as a drug seeker first which to be fair i don’t think i would give that impression upfront but i have had a history of substance abuse that might not look good if they knew about that and a big part of why i’d want to be diagnosed is so that i could be medicated but you can’t actually say that because then they think you just want to get high. i’m done with my pill popping phase i promise!!! but if i’m not being medicated then that means i will just have to brute force my way through my symptoms until i burn out again which is what i do anyway.

and the other thing is whenever i tell people i feel like this they’re always just like nooooo i don’t think so. i don’t get that vibe from you. like okay thank you doctor for that astute observation that i don’t have the “vibe” of an actual disorder. is it perhaps because i am quiet and soft spoken? is it because i try really really hard not to show any unpalatable emotions in public and lie constantly to make it seem like i have my shit together? is it because i spend all my energy on the things that other people can see and judge while my own space at home and personal responsibilities constantly fall to the wayside? is it because i seem smart and you think people with adhd are dumb? i actually feel dumb, really fucking dumb, all the time, and despite people telling me that i “seem smart” they treat me like i’m fucking dumb anyway so what is the truth.

anyway this isn’t anything i haven’t felt for years and years but every time i am facing the real possibility of failure, every time i am scrambling for a solution to a situation i put myself in again, every time i miss out on chances to do something fun or just take a break from all the work and all the busyness of my life rn because i still have work that i need to do that should’ve been done already, it all comes back up because i can’t decide if it really is just my fault and i’m fucking stupid and lazy and evil, or if there actually is something wrong with my brain and i could get help for it and not everyone feels this way so someday i might not have to either or at least i can understand why i do, or a combination of both like yeah it’s my fault but i shouldn’t feel as bad about it as i do because there is actually something wrong with me also and i just have to work a little bit harder than other people. but it’s hard when it’s like. do i actually have to work harder than other people or do i just want an excuse for not doing better? but also like my mom was very successful in her life without being diagnosed with adhd until she was in her 60s so regardless of whether or not i also have adhd, i really am a lazy piece of shit because i can’t do what she did. but. also. i’m bad at school that doesn’t necessarily mean i’m bad at everything in the whole world. sigh idk idk maybe before my last semester starts i can get evaluated? but it’s embarrassinggggg like if i do have adhd then i have to do something about it and that’s its own can of worms especially since there’s medication shortages and all of that but if i don’t have adhd then i’m just stupid and lazy and WRONG like damn i really don’t want to be told that i’m wrong but if i’m so attached to the idea of having adhd then how can i know that i’m thinking about it clearly without bias? i’ve gone back and forth about this so many times though like at some point i need to do something about it. but anyway i think it’s a really unfortunate time in our culture to be thinking about trying to address suspecting that you have adhd when people are so predisposed to thinking you’re faking it or delusional or too online or something. like i can’t even imagine going to get evaluated without upfront having to tell the doctor hey. i don’t trust you. i think you’re going to fuck me over. i feel defensive because i feel like you’re going to judge me or dismiss me completely but i’m going to be 100% honest with you about my experiences hoping that i’m wrong about you. i want to believe that you want to help me, i want to believe you have no external motivations other than trying to figure out what’s going on with me, your patient, as an individual, not as part of some kind of internet trend, but as someone who is facing challenges and wants to find the tools to address them. and i really really really want that to be the case for real if i spend all kinds of time and energy to get into an evaluation i want it to have some payoff in my life even if they have to point me in a different direction

and before you ask YES i’m procrastinating something right now, YES i’m actually procrastinating multiple things, YES some of those things are pretty important and may have real consequences in my life, but YES i am sitting here writing this stupid post instead. and YES when i am done writing this, the shame of wasting so much time writing this will probably shame my brain into focusing on something that i need to get done but YES i need to completely finish this thought before i can do anything else. yes i am deeply embarrassed that this is how my brain works but this is literally why i think i have adhd i’m not trying to get out of doing this because i have adhd i’m not gonna be telling my professor or anybody that my shit is late again because i have adhd because for all intents and purposes on paper i do not have adhd and i would not be trying to wriggle out of this assignment anyway but alas i do think there’s an explanation for why this pattern exists in my life but again i’m not telling anybody but the void maybe someday i can look back at these vent posts and know that i’m not actually crazy or stupid but then again crazy and stupid people typically don’t think they’re crazy or stupid either, right? whatever maybe i should just give up. quit school quit my job stop talking to my family live off the grid and die without ever having to think about this stupid shit ever again

[dracothedeatheatingcupcake-ao3]

slides into your inbox

hi i uh. drank a sinister potion (dr. pepper) on the way to school this morning and the problem with perfection filled my head for the fiftieth time so. i'm here now. soooo uh, warning for a very crazy caffeine induced audhd rant. 👍

i just like.... kinda wanna let u know how much this fic means to me. like fr. like seriously. it means a lot to me. we've been mutuals for a while so i feel like now's def a good time (and a long time coming lmao)

iirc i found ur fic when i was in the danganronpa trenches in like, 2021/2022 i think? it was summer and i had nothing better to do with my free time and i was super bored and ishimondo was my personality and i found it while going thru ao3 and was like "yeah. this sounds cool"

and i did NOT know what i was getting into let me tell you. adored the writing really fast. ur skill level actually blew me the fuck away like. instantly. all the characters were incredibly in character, everything was so detailed and i LOVED the fact that you made your writing very emotion driven. like you wrote a lot with like, exaggerated punctuation and pauses and spaces and stuff that i rarely ever see but i feel like your writing was like, so much better for that??? its something i've started to use in my writing because it just draws you in so much and just. puts you into their shoes almost instantly. like it sounds like you're in their head. like i think like that (got that narrator brain in me) and it was just so cool to see someone write like that. got a lot of good moments

and i honest to god binged that fic because it had me by a chokehold. like i'm talking i barely got sleep because i was so excited to read the next chapter the next day that my body would wake me up earlier. and i'd pull it out and binge the next chapter. and when i got to a point where the chapters where still being updated, i remember checking like. every sunday night or so every week to see if it got updated. so many cliffhangers that i was not normal about..........

and i recommended it to EVERYONE i knew that was into danganronpa. like i did not care if they usually read fanfiction or not i would sit there and go on infodump rants about this gay fanfiction i found on the gay fanfiction site and ik i confused them but like. that was how good it was to me. felt like it was a real book. and not only that i honest to god felt like i was reading about me.

like the way you wrote taka meant and continues to mean so much to me to this fucking day because i rarely ever see characters that are like me, at least in an honest to god way. and i was already connected to taka and loved him but i think you made him feel like an extension of me in a way and it just like. idk. it spoke to me man. ik i sound dramatic but it did.

like an autistic queer kid with a strict parent being thrown into so many situations where you just automatically assume everyone else is watching you, judging you, based on past trauma and experiences and just. at the same time so emotional and passionate and just genuine for lack of a better term. and the panic attacks that were written i actually almost had some during reading it because i felt it. that felt like me honest to god (not a bad thing btw!!! i am ok!! but that's a compliment because that's how accurate it was!!)

and during a time where i was dating people who just. idk its hard to explain. i knew they cared about me but there were so many times where there were disconnects. sexuality and gender (gender's not really a part of the story ik but yk what i mean) was a big one. and i felt how he would feel when mondo wasn't exactly the best when it came to his behaviors and expressions of love.

and now i'm with someone who is like. mondo at all his best moments. and even when he matches mondo's lower ones it feels like, there's more times where we can do what they did in the fic and work through it. be there for each other because even if we're both fucked up yk we can like. work through it. and that's so cool honestly?? its not transactional, it means something. i've felt both sides and it's so. crazy to me. it's just wild.

and while i didn't read a lot of it (mental health was NOT in a space where i could i'm gonna be so real) the other installment, the one where mondo comes over to taka's house and they gotta hide and stuff? i've felt that. god i've felt that. my current boyfriend (also a trans man) and i have had so many times where we've had to act as "friends" and hide our romantic gestures and being so deathly afraid of getting caught yk?

idk this fic made me feel seen, and i wonder if there's like... anyone else that feels that way. idk i feel like their definitely is. and i just kinda wanna like. thank you for writing something that just. made me feel heard in a time when i really really needed it. even if we didn't know each other it felt so wild to have a stranger sit there and give me and indirect hug and let me know that i am not the only guy struggling out there with this stuff. it's changed the way i view myself and how i view the world and it's so cool to me that even fanfiction of all things can do that. that's nuts man. you did that and i really wanna emphasize that you should be proud of that. that's so cool. you're writing is so fucking cool man.

and also another thing i. love. that you also wrote about sex being a form of like. expressing love for some people. i am demisexual so like. seeing a character that seemed to also exhibit that and really only feel and have that strong attraction to someone they love romantically and have a connection with, and do it to let the other person know they love them. it's like. that's cool. that's so cool. i'm shaking you that's so cool /pos

and while i'm not fixated on dr right now (as you can. probably tell. (btw obligatory "watch lego monkie kid but also you do not have to i just wanna let you know its cool" plug because of Tha Autism(tm)), and while my comic i was going to make is on a very long hiatus bc adhd is beating the shit out of me, i really want you to know how much i appreciate this fic and how much it just. lives in my brain. how much it makes me emotional to this day because it spoke to me; some random dude who was just getting out of high school who fucking needed that really really bad. and also i want you to know how excited i was when we become mutuals and i'm really really lucky to have someone so cool as my mutual, and you've become even cooler in my brain now that we're kinda yk. in a vaguely similar circle.

anyways i appreciate you so much!!!! and even if we're in different fandoms and stuff, and even if tpwp is also not being continued/on a hiatus i still appreciate what you did with it, and what you do now. don't understand all the fandoms you post but i got that respect for it. i'm in the corner with pom poms cheering u on.

so um. yeah! that was long. but i'm hyped up on caffeine and neurodivergent so ujhm. yea. hopefully this made sense lmao

~ your very much not normal mutual tyler 👍

Okay, sorry for the late response, I saw this when I got up this morning and needed the day to figure how to respond because this was. So much (in a good way I promise!!!!)

So, first of all, THANK YOU FOR THIS!! It's easy as a fic writer to feel discouraged with your writing, or to feel like you're not as "good" as other people, and it's things like this that remind me that whether or not I'm a "good writer," what I write does matter to people. And that's just... really special to me, so thank you for writing this all. It means so much to me.

I'm glad you like the dramatic pauses and the way I write, though! When I was younger, I always tried to limit doing that sort of thing, since I knew it wasn't considered "good" or "proper" writing. But with TPWP I just... decided to let myself write how I wanted to write and not think too much about it. I wrote TPWP kind of how I think, because I wanted it to feel like it was Taka's thoughts and emotions, even if it wasn't in first person. And I'm really glad that came across!

I've always been really big into psychology and introspection, which is one of the main reasons I write about things like that a lot. I like to get into characters heads and try to figure them out. See what they'd be like if this thing happened, or if this thing hadn't happened, etc. I write about struggles, because I struggled as a kid, but in more quiet ways. I mean, all things considered I had a good life. supportive, loving parents and older brother, good grades, people generally liked me and I never got in trouble. But I was so determined to do well that I psyched myself out. I was terrified of disappointing people and losing what I had, and I crumbled in middle and high school. Luckily I had good parents so I was able to stumble through it, but it always left me feeling isolated, since I could never articulate why I felt so off inside. It wasn't until I took an "abnormal psych" class in college that I even realized I had intense anxiety.

All of this to say that I'm glad I was able to resonate with you through my writing. I could never find the words to articulate myself when I was younger, so I took to writing to try and connect with people, to get a message across. Most of my stories have some form of "moral" or "lesson" that I'm trying to get across, lessons that I had to learn myself growing up. TPWP's was that perfection is impossible and that you have to learn to accept yourself for who you are. Honestly, I put the most of myself into Taka, since while I never had a distant parental figure who wanted me to be absolutely perfect, I was kinda that figure to myself. I wanted so badly to be "perfect" and "the favorite" and when I wasn't, I freaked out. I shut down and couldn't even explain to my parents why. So, with TPWP, I wanted to let other people know that it's okay to just... be you.

I don't know if any of this is making any sense, sorry. I had a long day at work and my head is a bit jumbled. Mostly just... thanks for writing this. Things have been tough lately between school and work, and it's nice to be reminded that my stories do matter to people. I never wanted to be a professional writer, but I did always want to write something that made someone, somewhere, feel something. Hopefully something good, something cathartic.

Oh, and as for the sex thing... that was honestly unintended, ha. But I'm Ace, so to me, that's what sex is. Or what it should be. A way to connect emotionally with your partner above all else. Honestly, the only reason I wrote sex into TPWP was to explore the way it would interact with their friendship, not to be like... sexual, ha. Glad you liked how I wrote it!

Anyway, thanks again for writing this!! And I'm glad we're mutuals too! Yeah, I am part of some interesting fandoms on my main blog, but I'm glad it's not too off-putting, ha. I'll try and check out that show some day, though! I don't have a lot of emotional energy to get into a new show at the moment (as I'm sure some people can understand, since starting a new fandom can be a lot at times), but maybe once (IF) things calm down for me I'll take a look! I have seen a lot of posts about the monkie kid show, not just from you, so it's something I might check out one of these days. I'm mostly waiting for Our Flag Means Death season 2 to air tomorrow so I can get washed away into Pirate Town for the next month or so, while the episodes release. 😅😅😅

[aura-whispers]

You’re friends with my big sister on Instagram and idk how you two know eachother or whatever but like no thanks lmao

i honestly don’t know who your sister is, Xan, but dude if it bothers you that much, get off my tumblr and my instagram and my bluesky and my discord.

@audhd-batfam enough is enough. i’ve asked you countless times to please leave me alone and you keep coming back and for what?

you aren’t even annoying me dude, your behavior is literally so concerning at this point. this is what stalkers do. i’ve never even met you in real life. i don’t know why you feel the need to do this and it’s on you to figure it out. stop sending me rude anons, rage blocking me then unblocking me to send me something nasty and stalk me again because “you just can’t help it.” that isn’t an excuse. own up to this, take accountability, and get some help. this has been going on for…five years? stop.

i am an internet stranger. i don’t want anything to do with you or your stalker, obsessive behavior. if i bother you so much, block me yourself. you have too many fake accounts for me to even keep track anymore.

also turning off anon messages so you keep your death threats to yourself. i don’t have time for this. i hope you can figure out why you feel the need to keep hunting me down on every social media app on fake accounts!

[viksalos]

ok so he *did* and he found two evals actually!! the first one was as useless as i thought but apparently there's a second one that has some comments about social skills and mannerisms. he didn't say what the comments *were* but he says he mailed it to me

i didn't use the word "autism" when asking my dad about this bc i didn't want him to yell at me about how i'm wrong and there's nothing wrong with me etc.. in a way he's right, there's nothing wrong with me, but i'm realizing a lot of the obstacles he put in the way of me getting sufficient medical or psychiatric care my whole childhood were bc NOT doing so would mean admitting that whatever was weird about me was also weird about him. doesn't excuse his behavior of course but i understand why he did it now

anyways i'm putting together a case for an ASD assessment so i can keep my work accommodations and my stimulant script at whatever job i end up landing at after grad school (grad school is going MUCH better btw; it turns out my joke post a while back that was like "pretty sure my phd has just been 2 undiagnosed autistic women locked in a death spiral for 5 yrs" was probably right; my advisor has been VERY accommodating now that we know what my actual deal is and i can work again lmfao)

basically what happened was i had an ADHD assessment where the guy said i didn't have it bc i was "gifted," which i think is an outdated understanding/bullshit, but also i was told that the center that did the assessment also does ASD testing which i took to mean both tests would be done at the same time bc the current understanding is that ASD & ADHD can be comorbid. nope, turns out this place does them separately. i asked the evaluator about ASD at my followup and he was like "oh yeah that's entirely possible" bc he noted eye contact difficulties and history of social alienation on my report. not sure why he didn't bring it up at the initial appointment but w/e lol

so after the first appointment i'm super upset, go to my therapist and am like "please just medicate me ;-;" and she refers me to their in-house psychiatrist, i tell him i think i'm auDHD and he believes me *instantly* and treats me accordingly--i got SNRIs for the sensory/nerve pain i mentioned earlier, and stimulants for the executive dysfunction. dude is a miracle worker fr. (also he looks and talks like Colin Robinson from WWDITS, but like, if he was actually helpful. which is not relevant but it *is* super funny.) my therapist was skeptical about the auDHD at first but with backup from the in-house psychiatrist and some family stories i got from talking to my parents, she believes me now and therapy is productive again yay

and the family stories were like--oh yeah you toe-walked, spun around a lot, and also your current stims (which btw i had suppressed conscious knowledge of so much that i can't do them around people anymore and had no idea i was even doing them alone until my arms and legs got tired, and would freak out about it bc i had no idea what was happening) are *really* restrained compared to when you were little, which was the classic autistic hand flapping thing, but we just thought it was cute bc you were obviously excited. lmao.

oh and by the way apparently i could read at one year old, which is INSANE if my dad isn't bullshitting me. (autism quizzes will be like "do you have an unusual interest in letters and numbers?" and you'll be like "fuckin uhhh. idunno. what's unusual?" and then your parents will casually drop that you could read at ONE, which would not have been physically possible without an unusual interest in letters!!) and ALSO also i'm pretty sure i was only able to figure out that engineering would be a good major for me and was able to navigate the social aspects of college & my master's degree bc i had constant advice from my stepdad (who knew he had asperger's) while i lived near him & my mom, and his advice made more sense to me than anybody else's. lmao lmao

so MORAL OF THE LONG-ASS STORY, despite my psychiatrist, therapist, and ADHD evaluator guy all more or less agreeing with me, none of them can diagnose me formally, so now i'm gathering evidence and am on a waiting list for a center that actually knows its shit and does the ASD & ADHD assessments at the same time... in 8 months. :p (so yes rn i'm still only self dx autistic in THEE most technical sense, but if you read all this and still give me shit about it, idk what to tell you lol.)

that said, allowing myself to act & be psychiatrically treated as if i am for sure autistic has so far been the best thing i've ever done for myself. part of me kinda wishes i knew sooner so i might not have had to develop so many maladaptive coping mechanisms, but the other part of me knows that people didn't know nearly as much about this stuff when i was a kid, and i probably only got as far as i did bc my parents *didn't* pathologize my weirdness, lol. still, i feel mentally and physically better than i ever have; it legit feels like almost 30 years of pervasive shame has been lifted and i've been able to improve my relationships with everyone around me irl, including my shitty ass dad lmao. anyways sorry for all the lurking & sadness for the past several years; i appreciate u all my dear followers and thank u greatly for sticking around 🖤🖤🖤

actually for the Ten Days of Teshuvah i think it would be dope if my abuser gave me back the folder of results from the neuropsych eval i did as a child. probably doesn't say anything useful other than ""gifted"" because it was done in the late 90s or early 2000s but i'd like to have them anyway

[dumpster-fire-deluxe]

I'm decoding my psychiatric files and look what I found in a report from a neurodevelopmental assessment when I was 7

The assessment was to see why I was underperforming in school and if there might be ADHD involved (yes, there was). Look at this shiny nugget though in the social/emotional development section:

"requires additional personality assessment"

Are you telling me that not two, but three psychiatrists signaled personality problems? Starting when I was 7 YEARS OLD?? (and then again at 17 & 19)

Reading the report, I can see the blueprint for what came after. I can see all the traits that would go on to run wild.

This isn't an issue. It's fine. Except that every time I brought up anything not strictly AuDHD (even something like depression), I was told that my issues didn't exist. Meanwhile, they were very much aware that I wasn't completely fine as they claimed

Also apparently I completely skipped the tantrum phase as a toddler which is hilarious considering my anger issues now

But yeah I've given up on therapy. If therapists insist that I and my behavior are completely okay, then I'll hereby embrace all of it.

This sounds like a villain origin story lmao. You know what, fuck it.

Hi, this is my villain origin story. I'll be a certified menace from here on out.