#atm I'm in a good place bc I'm living at home

[randomnow]

sitting here doing math to see which pay raise will allow me to move into an apartment while working part time (its the 2 year one). I've been trying to find a shift that's 30 hours but it's pretty much all or nothing around here and they don't have any full time shifts that aren't 10-12 hours long

i'm really am not physically able to stand on my feet for that long every day, my garbage knee would give out in like a week. I really need to find a job where i can at least sit for at least part of the day if it's full time but that is such a long shot, I really don't mind standing around but fuck my knee has been killing me lately ;_;

[damnprecious]

apartment hunting be like 'that flat is in an inconvenient neighborhood, that building is right next to a massive construction site, that kitchen hasn't been updated since like the 70s and the stove looks like a fire hazard, this apartment has a super inconvenient layout, this hasn't got enough storage, a minimum one year contract...'

[rontra]

drop your ffxiv lore

asking me to drop my pants in public would be less embarrassing..... you have to understand crucially that i don't know anything about anything and dont want The Knowers to see me

LMAO well i can talk about it a little but only on One Condition. as i mentioned before im a Certified Stormblood Gamer . in fact according to the wiki i am about this deep (level 64 questing atm)

so basically the condition is this: if something wasn't explicit in ARR or HW you cannot under any circumstances talk to me about it...! if you have any sort of reaction to this post that has to do with any later material than that i ask you Don't say it to me. if you are in doubt about whether something "counts", the safe answer is yes it does, and just going "neat!" instead & moving on will do fine. i really don't want to play spoiler chicken with you and don't want to know anything i don't already know. i'm enjoying taking my time with the game, so please refrain from correcting or corroborating anything i have to say about it atm!!!!!!! i'm still baby! thank you....!!! 😭👍

anyway my xiv characters are 1 a dude who was born in a wet cardboard box all alone and might be scared of women . & 2 a scary woman who did definitely kill her wife but is also the most Wife Guy for like secret reasons. the second one's lore is being ironed out as we speak so its all subject to change but the concept is there

1. ZT

love this guy. i even made an amv about it when i finished arr

(every xiv player voice) my wol is the most special boy in the world.

i actually had a whole thing typed up here about like his fucked up mom and whatever but i got shy and deleted it. i might go over it if someone's actually interested . but basically he's a poor little meow meow who, up until the beginning of the game, was abused pretty consistently bc of [evil cat people family dynamic reasons]. his family members mostly hate his ass and were rarely all that nice to him, so he has a lot of issues with self-worth and things like that--he doesn't feel like he's particularly good at anything or really "worth" much

he's from southern ilsabard which is a place i uh do not know much about. as a stormblood gamer. but it's fine the details don't really matter (walking away quickly)

his most prized childhood possession was the ruined scraps of an old arcanist's tome, and through sheer tenacity he managed to teach himself his first rudimentary spell from the incomplete paragraphs therein. he mostly chalks that feat up to the fruit of Time + Boredom and not talent or love, but those pages were the only thing he took with him when it finally came time for him to follow his older brothers' footsteps and leave the family.

gets on the boat. goes to limsa. enlists in the arcanists guild to cultivate what he sees as the One Single Skill He Has. people in the guild ???praise him??? and encourage him?? to keep at it??? which he is not at ALL used to, but it motivates him to work even harder at his training. he's pretty far from home and deeply unsure of himself, but he absolutely does not want to go back to the limited world he knew until now. so that unwillingness to look back sort of inherently keeps him trucking in search of a new purpose to latch on to

he's very sensitive to people being niceys to him, because he's not used to it at all. he's 4x weak to it and might cry if it's coming from an older woman who is even vaguely maternal, due to his horrific mommy issues. also, he wants to be useful to people ("for once"), so he has a hard time saying no to all the million quests and sidequests in the game. perfect

his inability to say no to people who request his help puts him on the Old Nymian Scholar Investigation Mission of course. i am Scholar Guy for a reason and that reason is ZT. this dude never had anything his family valued, and lived as the expendable runt of the litter his whole life, and now is suddenly entrusted with something important for the first time in his life--something bigger and older than him, a way of life, a legacy to uphold and carry forwards into the future

and that mantle is pretty heavy. but he'll carry it! and that's how he becomes a healer boy who will defend any random tonberry with his life. he feels very strongly about the extinct art of the scholars and also about being a healer in general--boy finally found his calling! also he has the echo and is our funny warrior of light but like that's fine. i'm sure the "not being able to say no to people, no matter how tired/hurt/etc he himself is" thing is not catching up any time soon. i did play DRK up to 60 though and lmao. well. hang in there. i even made an amv ab

there's some more stuff about him like how his path through eorzea and as a healer specifically is in lockstep with death at every turn and also how he's a blue mage on the side and whatever but this is long enough. here's a pic of him with one of my favorite "no one else gives a shit about this character" npcs

he's a pretty kitty and very sweet altho he does need to learn to assert himself (and starts doing so through the course of the game). he's very attached to his friends. he doesn't have any love interest or w/e for now he's figuring his own stuff out. gaining confidence. classic stuff. easy protagonist recipe. my meow meow. i played pvp just to get him a haircut. the things i do for zt

2. KRALJICA

the new baby. kraljica is not her original name, but she's never going to use her original one again. her surname is Radinasch, which used to be Aradina, before she killed her own queen who may or may not have been also her wife (ofc by hrothgar convention she then changed her surname to represent the loss of her queen) (despite being the killer) (it's a memento :) )

she is a bozjan hrothgar so we're back to ilsabard shenanigans (which remains kind of problematic for a stormblood gamer, but It's Fine). she actually knows ZT's mother, but not in a good way. Radina's group was in local political tension with ZT's mom's group, so there's some history there (notably in that kraljica would recognize ZT as "zahsa's runt" (derogatory) and not be very nice to him about it, but they don't really share a Personal history beyond the Faction Squabbles)

back to the point though, kraljica killed her queen, and most of the other followers of said queen were not very happy about that. killing the queen is like really high up on the list of things hrothgar do not want you to do. so she is branded queenkiller and exiled. some of the other hrothgar choose to follow kraljica out (having faith in her leadership for various reasons), making her their new queen as they venture to eorzea together (and all of their surnames become akraljica to match).

kraljica takes the surge of enmity against her as a natural consequence of what she did, and doesn't correct anybody who identifies her as a queenkiller in her journeys. she basically does not care about her shattered reputation or having to leave her home, because she is on, a secret, Other Scheme.

what they don't know of course is that radina asked her to do it. for scheme reasons. #women

kraljica is acting in accordance with radina's will. not even her own loyal followers know what her plan is, but they can clearly tell she has conviction; even when being hated by her people and ousted from her home, kraljica moves with that same inexhaustible willpower

(maybe she has questions, when she's alone, and wonders how much radina kept from her in the final days. and maybe she misses and mourns her. but all of that is only for her, in private, when no one can see... in front of the others, she's unflinching, and a leader they will follow no matter what...!!!)

she doesn't seem to have the echo and isnt a warrior of light. ZT can do that stuff. she's like busy with her own thing. she's running around collecting suspicious amounts of aether and being suspiciously driven and faithful to her cause. suspiciously

ok fine it's because radina asked her to cut her loose from mortality, venerate that, and bring her back as a primal. because she wants to become a war god strong enough to take revenge on the empire. something that will keep coming back, no matter how many times it's destroyed, as long as her chosen can still call for her....<3 that's so romantic

of course, what returns will not be radina-the-person. it will be an image of her will, shaped by kraljica's mind and the bloodpool of radina's aether. radina is dead for good; what kraljica is summoning is a representation of radina's goals and dreams, fueled by pure belief and a lot of aether. That Which Resembles Wife But Is Not will cast one megaflare for every minute of suffering inflicted upon bozja. (speaking to the empire thru a megaphone) this is your final warning

their summoning is pretty unorthodox and and "partial" (the primal does not manifest a corporeal form at this time, but it is certainly present in its vessel to some extent)--the game already allows a few different quirky summonings, so we're just playing calvinball and making up Another Special Case (this time owing to the specific setup and execution of radina's plan, her and kraljica's synchronicity about the whole thing, kraljica's unique position in her life, and some sprinkles of Rule Of Cool to taste) . imo the game is flexible enough about it that putting in Just One More Weird Summon Strat is not gonna break anything (LMAO) so it's fine <3

all you have to do is write in a side character who goes "but! that's not possible..." while the thing is happening in front of them

anyway suffice to say no one is doing it like radina's weird ass, and she couldn't do it without her wife guy who is willing to do whatever she wants. suffice to also say that kraljica's own aether is noticeably Weird and over-aspected by her beloved primal, and that "radina" (that which resembles wife but is not) Could Be lowkey tempering her right now and nobody would even notice it because her goal and the primal's goal are already one and the same. but that's probably fine. radina would never do that to her <3......

unless of course there are things about her even kraljica never understood. but surely that wouldn't happen

its really hard for other people to get a grip on kraljica because she won't let anybody close to her emotionally and she definitely won't spill the beans on radina's secret scheme. her boys are with her no matter what (#hrothgang) (they also picked up a viera whose city name now includes "akraljica" hahaha). other people are just like um that is a shady lady who is casting spells we dont even know how to classify. scary. also she's got a situationship with a nasty bandit milf (my friend's hrothgal<3) so we better just leave her alone. bad vibes all around

radina was a gunbreaker. kraljica is very good at manipulating aether and a strong fighter too, but i havent rly settled on a canon class for her. because her actual "canon class" is like. "a summoner from a hypothetical Other FF game. not even a specific other FF game, just Very Much Not This One" LMAO

she would just be like ah its um secret ancient arts from my homeland . you wouldnt know her. shes from a different continent. not like how they do it in limsa. not at all. goodbye (walks away mid conversation) and the arcanists could not stop her. like

anyway i'm not used to playing a female char so i keep getting distracted by her breasting boobily around. they dont let ZT jiggle like that so how was i to know... and basically, so-called free thinkers when dalmascan draped top 👇

she almost had a different face marking way back in the benchmark character creation era, but looking at it now it looks so weird without her big X . like who is that

(metian vest so important for the shoulder bulk... not gonna lie)

anyway kraljica would hear about the final aeon from ff10 and be like that's fucking right.

[yume-x-hanabi]

So, bit of a life update because it's been... almost two months? since I last properly logged here (I had some stuff in the queue, but I think it ran out after a while, woops). Getting a bit personal, so the rest is under cut.

Honestly the main reasons are simply, I'm busy, and exhausted. Not a good combination lol

I haven't had proper relaxing time for me since at least a year and a half. Summer holidays are supposed to be the time when I can finally relax responsibility-free for a month and a half to get over usually hectic second semesters. Except last July my grandma had a fall, and while she's fine, long story short she's now in a nursing home and we spent the whole summer and lots of free time during the following months clearing her house (which was. a mess).

On top of that I'd bought an apartment (yay) in a building that's still under construction, and while that's great because it means I could customize it the way I want, it also meant spending a lot of time going here and there to choose floorings, furniture, and lots appointments (bank, notary...) etc etc. And now that it's in the final stage we're running into issues because the notaries aren't agreeing about some conditions, so the deed signing date recently had to be postponed, which'll leave me very little time to schedule the actual move (I have to be out of my current place by the end of the month). Super stressful. And also busy--spent nearly two days last week playing telephone game with the developer, the notary's office, the bank... and we still haven't solved the issue as of now orz

On top of that, this past school year has been super intense, I took on more admin responsibilities, which, while fun, consume a lot of time and focus, which put me behind on my regular class prep and grading, which just generally added to the mental load. Also I had to take lessons on Saturday mornings for my teaching certificate, which is also something that ate into my time and energy this year.

This all kinda came crashing down on me in early June when I just... kinda shut down for about two weeks. I had 4 super important tasks/projects to do, and for those two weeks I made progress on none of them. I just kinda froze, not knowing where to start, and my focus was allllll over the place, could not keep it on one thing for the life of me (there may or may not be suspicion of adhd at play, I'll have to look into it more and see someone about it, but... no time atm orz)

I managed to pull through in the end (well, one of the things is postponed to August so I have more time to do it thankfully), but I'm completely mentally exhausted. So yeah, I kinda gave up checking tumblr for a while, bc I just didn't have the mental capacity for that.

In happier news Missy is still as silly as ever, my niece is the cutest, I got a baby blahaj yesterday to go with my big one, Dreamcatcher's new mini-album is wonderful, and once everything is solved and I can move in it'll be awesome to live in my own place. Also I went to TwoSetViolin's world tour show in Berlin last week-end and it was awesome :D (might make a separate post about it later)

And now I need to start packing. Gonna be a busy month again 😅

[ninepentz]

Elizabeth francis dies at 115 years old

Forensic astrology reading

Crazy isn't it, to be able to live to be 115 years old! Elizabeth francis was born in St Parish, Louisiana, july 25th 1909. That's over 100 years ago.

What I know about ms francis is that she was a single mom, worked at a coffee shop in the 1970s, she never learned to drive but would take the bus and family to get from place to place, never smoke/drank but she says she ate everything lol. Her family recall her always cooking at home when they visited and think that the reason she lived so long is bc she took care of her body in that way. She also lived with her 96 year old daughter and granddaughter.

Elizabeth francis has lived through, 1909-2024.

Early Years (1909-1945) 1. World War I (1914-1918) 2. Spanish Flu pandemic (1918-1919) 3. Women's suffrage (1919) 4. The Roaring Twenties 5. The Great Depression (1929-1941) 6. World War II (1939-1945) Mid-Century (1946-1970) 1. Post-war economic boom 2. Cold War tensions 3. Civil Rights Movement (1950s-1960s) 4. Counterculture movement 5. Space exploration (1950s-1960s) 6. Moon landing (1969) Late 20th Century (1971-2000) 1. Vietnam War (1955-1975) 2. Watergate scandal (1972-1974) 3. Fall of the Berlin Wall (1989) 4. Soviet Union collapse (1991) 5. Internet and World Wide Web emergence (1990s) 6. Globalization and international relations 21st Century (2001-2024) 1. 9/11 attacks (2001) 2. War on Terror (2001-present) 3. Social media rise (2004+) 4. iPhone release (2007) 5. Global financial crisis (2007-2008) 6. COVID-19 pandemic (2020-2022) 7. Ongoing climate change and sustainability efforts Technological Advancements 1. Radio broadcasting (1920s) 2. Television (1940s-1950s) 3. Computers and internet (1970s-1980s) 4. Mobile phones (1980s) 5. Smartphones and social media (2007+) 6. Artificial intelligence and machine learning (2010s) Social and Cultural Shifts 1. Women's rights and feminism 2. LGBTQ+ rights emergence 3. Civil Rights Movement 4. Counterculture movement 5. Diversity, equity, and inclusion efforts 6. Shifts in family structures and relationships (Info above sourced by meta AI)

So today I wanna look through her birth chart to see if I find anything to attribute to her long life. I don't have her birth time so unfortunately this won't be as detailed as I would like but what I can do is see what kind of person she was that can explain any of her habits and things.

I also want to take a break from gruesome/unfortunate cases and lighten the mood with something more positive such as this story, a more natural death. An ending we all wish to have, a long lived healthy life.

For some reason I don't want anything to do with cruel cases atm, there's so many deaths that have happened in the past few years and it can all be so depressing and scary to think about, one of those cases being us one day. But yeah, let's get into this reading and brightening things up a bit.

So what I'm getting from her chart right now is that she was always an easy going woman, didn't stress too much. Let's go more in depth tho.

Mercury conjunct neptune:

I love this aspect, this is similar to having a pisces mercury. She was a very intuitive person, this is not someone who would be overthinking too much, if anything she goes with the flow. She would be a good listener, be impressionable, sensitive, soft, spiritual, faith driven. She would be less logial and more emotion driven intellectually. This is good bc she would be emotionally intelligent and able to understand so many different things. She had an open mind, and was a flexible minded person.

Mercury opposite uranus:

This tells me maybe she was prone to being unpredictable at times, talking at random, traveling at random, random spurts of energy, not even she was in control of the wheel intellectually at times. She was someone who made a mark on others, maybe she had a unique way of communicating/thinking/traveling. Maybe at times she would be completely logical, versatile, adaptable to unpredictable, standoffish, independent, avoidant.

I have mercury square my uranus and this plays out as me being inappropriate at the worst times, like laughing in serious situations, saying things I shouldn't say, reacting/thinking/speaking in awkward/unpredictable ways. Imo people may view me as weird, annoying, rude at times, bc that's what you get when you have mercury in hard aspect to uranus, the planet of eccentricity, shock, unpredictability. Something about uranus also is that they don't usually do what everyone else is doing, so they are sometimes out of the loop. So this tells me maybe Elizabeth francis stayed out of the loop of some things compared to her peers and generation. She wasnt following trends or the "most traveled routes".

Mercury square saturn:

This tells me maybe she struggled with communication, activity, traveling, thinking. Maybe she had rigid thinking at times, had a tough time expressing herself in any way, vocally, creatively etc. Maybe she was sort of slow to think, or take action, but she was always determined to see things through. Maybe she could of been pessimistic and isolated herself. She may have also had a very rigid routine or way of doing things, she could of been a little controlling. Bc saturn restricts whatever planet it aspects, especially in harsh aspect but with the square here it tells me she wasnt one to sit and stay down, she would fight. So maybe she was aware of her limitations and potential, struggled to balance them out.

Sun trine mars:

This tells me she was healthy, active, assertive, confident, always youthful. She had good energy levels, she may have also enjoyed having new experiences, she was known for her martian traits. She has an aries mars so, she wasnt afraid of anything lol if anything she was the force to be reckoned with. She was direct, honest, open, childlike in a way, played no games. Passive aggression was not in her nature, so imo nothing really ate her up inside. She was the type of person to apologize when needed, say exactly how she felt, expressing herself honestly and fearlessly. I guess you can say that's very healthy for us to do bc if she had depression or introversion, maybe shed be internalizing things too much and that would cause illness like depression, chronic pain, mental health issues, digestive issues etc. So for her she was always vibrating high, no holding onto pain, trauma, bad vibes. She always had that youthful thing about her like I mentioned earlier. This is important bc if you always maintain that child like excitement, wonder, lust for life, than you are pushing yourself higher up into the world and not weighing yourself down to anything. Children don't have enemies, they don't sulk on their problems, they don't bother with stresses of life and all that, they just exist, play, adventure, they're pure and unafraid (before they become experienced adults).

Venus trine saturn:

This tells me maybe she was always respectful, kind, pleasant, took care of her body/appearance, she always wanted to look presentable and be respectable. She was charming in some way and authority figures liked her. So long story short, she made many friends and good business connections too. Maybe her father raised her well, with manners, discipline, somewhat people pleasing.

Venus sextile pluto:

This one is interesting to see in a chart bc I often see this in famous/rich peoples birth charts. This tells me she knew how to work hard, invest into things, make friends not enemies, she was very socially developed and knew how to attract wealth, power, loyalty, desires. She was a very magnetizing person, she was friendly, sweet, socially aware/intelligent, deep, loving, loyal. To me I feel like she was always working towards something, she wanted to be strong, powerful, impactful.. maybe it was just something she was naturally blessed with. I feel like she may have had a lot of support from others, family, friends, associates, etc.

Saturn sextile pluto:

I think this is the aspect ill attribute to her long life, if only I knew her house placements ugh. But what this tells me is that she was always a steadfast, consistent, dedicated, loyal person, but she was also strong, powerful, influential, self controlled. Maybe a lot of people trusted her and left a good impression on them, so she was able to weave herself into the lives of many people making her well known and thought highly of. Maybe people often came to her for help, wisdom, guidance, she was one of those people that others relied on heavily. This is giving me boss vibes also, like someone who is not just a servant to others (helping everyone else) but people also helped her too and respected her. Once you intertwine yourself in peoples lives like this, you become someone they can't live with out.. this is why I say this aspect could what's attributed to long life.

I hope that makes sense, saturn is responsibility, structure, steadiness, consistency, discipline, maturity, and pluto is debt, death, assets, transformation, power, control, sexuality, subconscious.

Venus biquintile mars:

This tells me she wasn't a cautious spender, but also wasn't reckless, she always trusted herself enough to be able to provide for herself and loved ones with whatever they needed. So she didn't have a poverty mindset imo, this is important bc it shows she may liked to indulge into things, go shopping, splurge, eat sweets, you know the pleasures of life, but she never shamed herself or struggled to keep up with her lifestyle. She always felt secure and confident.

What I got from all this, is that Elizabeth francis was a woman who lived authentically, freely, thoughtfully, fearlessly, kindly, friendly, passionately. She didn't hold onto to negative feelings for too long, she was active, adventurous, confident, pure intentioned. Maybe that's the key to a long life, don't hold back, don't be afraid to do what you feel, get in touch with your inner child/curiousity, work on your confidence by doing what you say you will do, be honest, make more friends than enemies. This allows you to always have people to rely on in your life, connection is not taken serious enough imo. Having family and friends around you keeps you fullfilled in all the areas you can't on your own. She was also disciplined, modest, never did too much of a bad thing. When you slow down and are mindful of yourself, that def helps to keep you balanced/steady in life. Every problem you have is way more manageable when you aren't inconsistent and reckless 24/7, you have to have some structure to always rely on. It's your structure that keeps you strong through the rain, wind, storm. Protect yourself, care about yourself, that's all. Thank you for reading <3

May you Rest In Peace Ms Elizabeth Francis

I'm glad you got to live my dream of a long life, maintaining your health for all those years, even being able to live to the end of your days with your daughter who's also elderly, that's such a blessing.

✨️Nine of Pentacles✨️

[davepetea]

((just ranting abt writing fanfics you can ignore me lmao. I'm just in a weird place atm but I'm feeling kinda passionate abt writing rn so I'm gonna vent

originally I wrote a lil of this in the tags but then decided to just chuck it under a readmore so people aren't subjected to it against their will. then it got really long.

I'm not actually expecting anyone to read this im just sorta venting to myself. it helps me get my thoughts sorted if I write them down. I can also look back through my #.vat file tag in a few years from now and hopefully be like "wow I'm doing so much better than THAT now", so if that's the case, hi future Vatta! I hope you're having a good day. and if you're not future me, then I still hope you're having a good day, I love you, and this is your chance to turn back bc my rants are boring and LONG

(not turning back yet? ok. your funeral)

so, I haven't been online much bc I've just been in a weird limbo lately and I'm really busy when I'm at home either sorting stuff out or, with my PDA, doing anything I can to avoid my responsibilities lmao

I've been rereading my Tokyo ghoul light novels (I only have Void and Days ? I think they're called), rewatching Zankyou no Terror, and Bungou Stray Dogs (plus the live action Beast film which was? hilarious but I don't think it was supposed to be), and just suffering lmao

(you're still here? wow. you need a hobby. jk. ily)

I've been locked out of the systems at work for a bit, but I still need to be there and wait for the IT ticket to be sorted, so I've gotta be at my desk, cant have my phone or anything, so instead of sitting there doing nothing, I've either been reading, doing codeword puzzles, or I've been writing up 'drafts' for potential fanfics.

in this year of our sufferer 2024. I've been writing up some self indulgent homestuck college AU lmao. I've written over 60 sides of a5, (not inc the inbetween sections where I wrote some stuff on the chromebook at home) some notes, some accidental first draft, bc I wanted something to take up the time. but my handwriting is terrible, I don't write fast enough for my brain, I have a lil dyslexia so the letters and words get jumbled sometimes, and I have this weird thing where I don't do spaces right. but I've been trying to upload it to Google docs with Bixby's photo text extraction. it's pretty good considering how bad my writing is, then I just need to go through and touch it up, the main issues are things like names, there's some letters I do weird like my v turns into an r, or every p it thinks is a capital, but overall. amazing how technology do that.

(see my long ass rambling isn't just confined to venting. I also pretend to write actual things. you can still leave you know. I'm not holding you hostage until you read all this. you have free will)

can't remember how I ended up back in fanfic hell but I read back through like all my old published fics (aside from the cringe ones I orphaned) and the writing isn't terrible. I don't think I actually finished any of them though, which really shows my true nature lmao,,, but I've picked up a few things on my writing style now. and I've got a few things I see other people do that I wanna avoid bc I personally don't like it, and it's mostly about balance, like using names too often/not enough, being too descriptive like All The Time and making the writing really nice, but not much happens in the story so you take like an hour to read each scene, vs not enough description so everything is happening but you don't really get a visual or a breather to appreciate what's happened so far. I've been working on finding my right balance, which is imo easier if you're writing fanfic bc first up you hardly ever have to describe the characters. if someone's reading it they already know who they are. and for scenes you can take some inspo from the source material. does the original work put alot of effort into setting a cool scene? if not, then you don't have to either! if it's 90% scenery then you've gotta do it too I don't make the rules

I'm losing steam now I'm so sleepy and I've gotta go to work in a bit ugh.

(bet you're sleepy reading this too huh. told you it'd be boring)

I've been thinking about trying out writing some BSD fics but on an anonym not linked to my main Ao3, bc the themes are doozys and I kinda just wanna have the freedom of anonymity. also I'm a baby and if someone publicly criticises my stuff without it being a requested critique then it makes me bleh (I've had a few comments in the past of just general negatives, not even constructive feedback, not that I asked for any anyway...), but the abilities are tricky to write for, so it's effort lol

anyway I'm gonna stop now ive gotta get ready for work

(if you actually read this then thanks for going on this emotion deep dive with me. tune in next week when we'll get back to my usual mental breakdown)

[tvrningout-a]

thinking about cyrillo and just!! how he really doesn't know how to rest. i'm willing to bet that this guy hasn't taken a proper vacation in ages bc a proper vacation means traveling to the countryside, to the sea. it means being away from high society and its expectations, away from all the people who know him and expect him to help and entertain them. it means being alone with himself and without thoughts of all the things he needs to do. it means relaxing -- really relaxing. and as good as cyrillo is at blowing off steam, he isn't necessarily the best at taking a breather.

he's a doer. he sees something that needs to be done, and he does it. he sees someone in trouble, and he helps them. he sees something wrong in the world, and he fixes it. he's always been this way, even as a young boy. he cannot stand idly by, doesn't know how. he doesn't know how to rest, and maybe... maybe that's going to be the point of his story. after all these years, after all this time of fighting and living for others, he's able to rest once king edmund is dead. whether that means he dies at the end of this story or simply retires, maybe fakes his death -- we'll just see :' )

it actually really hurts me to kill characters off but cyrillo is incredibly old. his soul is incredibly old and burdened by so many memories. his mind is a graveyard of old friends he can no longer write; places that no longer exist; moments he can never get back. he doesn't hold onto the past but still the memories can be heavy whether he realizes it or not. and he did lead a full and happy life even if the happiest he felt was with his human wife and child -- his first life, the one he led before the great war. out of all the characters i have banging around in my head, i think cyrillo would be one of very few who i could kill off and feel bittersweet about it rather than purely upset.

but like i said, we'll see! bc i can also imagine cyrillo finding his peace and beginning a new chapter. i dunno what that chapter would be, but atm i imagine it would involve going home across the sea or tagging along with rin. story is just beginning, though, so who knows where i'll see cyrillo ending up by the end :' )

[leviathanswingman]

15 questions tag game!

thank you so much for tagging me @melverie <33 (answering on this blog bc why not)

01 - Are you named after anyone?

nope! not with my old name, not with my current name either. I did name myself after one of my Sims characters though, which is mildly embarrassing but also very in character for me.

02 - When was the last time you cried?

i'm not that much of a crier if i'm being honest. don't wanna admit it but you really have to beat emotions out of me with a baseball bat. i think i cried a little when i finished watching the untamed?

03 - Do you have kids?

my cats are my human children boys. also my OCs Yuuta and Valac. also om!Luke of course.

04 - What sports do you play/have you played?

absolutely none :D i have always been painfully unathletic. honestly, the playground used to be my absolute fear zone, i would always manage to get a ball thrown against my head in one way or the other. i also managed to snap my ankle by running one time so. i'm trying to get into running and doing home workouts atm, but i do try to walk places when my schedule allows it (especially bc the busses in my city do whatever the fuck they want anyway)

05 - Do you use sarcasm?

I would never.

06 - What is the first thing you notice about people?

the way they treat the people that are around them. it does say a lot about a person. right after that would probably have to come the way they look at you. over here there's a lot of people who just like to shamelessly stare and sometimes you just gotta throw that stare right back to assert dominance

07 - What's your eye color?

blue-grayish

08 - Scary movies or happy endings?

both? it really depends if i'm being honest. i really like me a good slasher or thriller, but sometimes you just gotta watch something with a nice happy ending to lift your mood a little

09 - Any talents?

oh i can come up with a mean pun (threat)

10 - Where were you born?

Germany!

11 - What are your hobbies?

currently that would have to be writing, writing and writing xD i am slowly getting back into old hobbies as well. i've been really stressed for a few years and am slowly regaining the energy to do things that i like again i like gaming (currently trying to navigate between genshin/hsr/ace attorney/danganronpa) and i have started to learn Russian and relearn some French.

12 - Do you have any pets?

i have two cats! the older one is really smart, a hater at heart and an absolute bastard who WILL start terrorizing me at 7am bc he needs to be fed IMMEDIATELY. also the reason my doorhandles are turned downwards, man will just let himself in by flinging his entire bodyweight on top of the door handle. the younger one is small (klein und kompakt), kind of stupid and a bit TOO loyal for his own good (treudoof). i picked him up off the street when he was maybe 2 weeks old bc his mother abandoned him for being too sick.

13 - How tall are you?

I'm 173 cm / 5'8

14 - Favourite subject in school?

English and German classes and anything related to literature tbh. French classes sometimes. I also really loved my theatre classes.

15 - Dream job?

i don't think i necessarily have one? i really love writing and will maybe try to write my own stuff and try to publish it someday. if it doesn't work out then so be it.

i'm also currently studying to become a social worker, and i do like the work. it isn't my dream job, but i don't think it has to be for me to be passionate about it.

my dream job would be me living by the sea, going on walks, writing and doing jack shit if i'm being really honest right now.

not tagging anyone for now, but this was fun!! if you see this and wanna do it, do feel tagged by me!!

[starlightoffandoms]

I posted 10,976 times in 2022

23 posts created (0%)

10,953 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@alleiradayne

@coffeebox62

@that-crazy-drummer-chick

@flock-of-paper-birds

@hanaaeri

I tagged 791 of my posts in 2022

#ofmd - 56 posts

#happy tag - 53 posts

#destiel - 46 posts

#the witcher - 37 posts

#write this way - 32 posts

#tora - 25 posts

#goncharov - 24 posts

#supernatural - 23 posts

#dean winchester - 22 posts

#the boys - 22 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#i would love to see demon dean and collecting honey cas bc while completely unhinged demon dean would have been so careful & loving to him

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Me watching the Batman: *turn away for a second to check on the cat that's being real sneaky like*

Police Captain: *starts talking*

Me: *swings around almost hard enough to give myself whiplash* IS THAT IZZY HANDS?!!!!

Police Captain: *is Con O'Neill*

Me: it IS Izzy Hands!!!

Cat: *runs and hides from insane parent screaming about Izzy Hands*

12 notes - Posted April 20, 2022

#4

Looking for more Witcher blogs for me and my bestie @coffeebox62 to follow. I know I follow several of y'all and want to rec you to bestie but my brain doesn't retain blog names to share and I'm awful at tagging tbh. So if you post/reblog Witcher content please interact with this post. Thanks a bunch!

16 notes - Posted January 4, 2022

#3

I didn't have time to post Friday for the week's fics. Life happened but here we are! Hope you enjoy!

Day 15 – Smoke – Rated T – Sam and Dean retire from hunting and live their best versions of lives that work for them. Destiel and Salieen, Canon Divergence 

Day 16 – Red – Rated E – Serial killer boyfriends. Destiel AU

Day 17 – Muse – Rated T – Cas has performed as Jimmy Novak for years. The last few years have been rough and he hasn't been able to write any new music. To loosen up some, his friends take him out for a fun night. From that night forward he started to write as he'd never done before. Destiel AU

Day 18 – Tattoos – Rated T – Werewolf Dean hadn’t told Cas that he was a shapeshifter. Dean is forced to shift and Cas finds him. Destiel AU

Day 19 – Ladies – Rated G – Ladies night with a little extra. No ship, SPN ladies AU

Day 20 – Spa Day – Rated T – Eileen and Rowena set up a spa day for Cas with ulterior motives. Destiel Canon Divergence 

Day 21 – Haunted – Rated M – Dean remembered lost. Then the one day he had finally decided he'd had enough, the man he loved was back. Destiel Canon Divergence

Day 22 – Rain, Rain – Rated G - Kid Jack shows up on their doorstep. Destiel Canon Divergence

Day 23 – Sleepless Nights – Rated T – Dean and Cas welcome new additions to their family. Destiel Canon Divergence (I had accidentally tagged this as mcd, so if you skipped this I PROMISE it isn't mcd. that was my bad when I posted from my phone.)

Day 24- Fish – Rated T – Sam and Jack are up to no good but it has a happy ending. Destiel AU

Here is the series to stay up to date.

See the full post

18 notes - Posted October 26, 2022

#2

Week two coming at you!

Day 8 – Sober – Rated M - Cas was gone and Dean found himself at the bottom of too many bottles. He knew that he couldn't get the love of his life back if he didn't have a clear head. He'd do whatever it took to get him back. Destiel Canon Divergence

Day 9 – Vintage – Rated G – Cas explodes an ATM b/c it didn’t work properly. Destiel Canon Divergence 

Day 10 – Enchanted – Rated M – Dean buys an antique mirror at a flea market and gets more than he bargained for. Destiel AU

Day 11 – Drag – Rated M – Dean gets caught during a body dump. He is not a very good liar but Cas doesn't care. Two serial killers in the same area and Cas is just trying to protect his territory. Destiel AU Murder Boyfriends

Day 12 – Crossover – Rated T – Cas comes home one day and things are moved around. He checks his wards. They're all still in place. Over the next few days, things are moved, the TV randomly turns on, music plays out of nowhere, and the pie keeps getting removed from the fridge to the counter. Cas reinforces his warding. Then one day there is a man he doesn't know standing in the middle of his living room and he isn't quite corporal. Destiel AU

Day 13 – Morning After – Rated T – Sam wakes up not sure what the previous night after a huge hunt had held. Saileen Canon Divergence 

Day 14 – All for You – Rated M – Dean sees a flyer for an art project that paid $200 a day. Some doctorate student was in need of help with a project. He hoped that whoever Castiel was actually planned to pay. Destiel AU

Here is the series to stay up to date.

See the full post

19 notes - Posted October 15, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Hey y'all! Back at it again this year. Here's the first week of fics!

Day 1 Maze/Maize – Rated T – Dean cooks Cas’ favorite foods. Destiel AU

Day 2 Pillow Talk – Not Rated – Aftercare. Destiel AU

Day 3 Digital – E – Dean is in heat and Cas is in another country. Destiel AU

Day 4 Wicked – T – Cas practices darker magic and the gov't doesn't like it. They do more than necessary inspections on his facility. Dean is being punished and gets assigned to difficult cases. Destiel AU

Day 5 A Perfect Disaster – M – Stubborn Dean didn't evacuate when he was told to. Luckily Cas has a safe house nearby. Destiel AU

Day 6 Parody – T – Dean had moved away as soon as he could from his abusive father. It doesn't mean he doesn't still end up dealing with bigoted assholes. Destiel AU

Day 7 Fine Wine – M – Dean and Cas had gone to high school together and occasionally ran in the same circles. It'd been over 20 years since they'd seen each other. They reconnect at a work event. Destiel AU

For some reason it's been all Destiel so far🤷🏾‍♀️. Was not the initial plan. We'll see how the rest of the month goes. Here is the series to stay up to date.

See the full post

28 notes - Posted October 8, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[loumauve]

all in all I had a somewhat productive day. went to get some groceries and drop off some Pfand in the process. bought everything I needed for a proper salad and then made it, too, which is a big step considering what a mess my kitchen still is, but progress!

managed to sort through all the fabric and the yarn and put it into the transparent bins so none of it is in cardboard boxes anymore - super big step forward. especially because I finally managed to let myself throw some things away that I'll never use even tho some of the fabric was given to me by my brother's ex-wife's grandmother who sadly has since passed away, so I never had the heart to let go of any of it until now.

but yeah, that corner of the room is finally mostly sorted. there's one big bin which I'm still trying to decide what to do with, at the moment it's got a bunch of crafting stuff in it, but it's also heavy as hell because of it, so lifting it in and out of that corner is crap on my back and I don't really like the big plastic bin the yarn is in atm because it doesn't close tightly. so I might end up switching those two and getting rid of the crappy one eventually.

that's a task for another day though, but I managed to convince myself to take out the trash that accumulated through all of that right away which, also progress. taking out the trash and feeling like people will judge me for how often I do so is one of the big struggles for me, which is stupid. my dad put it quite nicely years back: isn't it better they see you take it out a little more often than never see you take it out and assume you like in a garbage heap, which tbh is how I used to live back them because I couldn't make myself go out for most things, much less to take out the trash. so yeah, progress. my old therapist would be proud, I'm sure.

more sorting out tomorrow tho I might go for the living room next. or maybe the crafting stuff overall, because it's the biggest point of annoyance to me atm since it's spread throughout the entire flat and I barely even remember the things I have whenever I get ready to make something.

maybe I should also give myself two cardboard boxes total for sentimental pieces of paper bc it's getting out of hand. OR maybe I just put it into a scrap book of some sort. could be nice to have something to look through even if it might take time to fully put it together.

anyway. the one good thing about being stuck at home with a horrid cough is that I had some additional time to get around to this stuff because I haven't really been able to take the time the past two or so years. between the travel back and forth between places and the general exhaustion from being around certain people - both at school/work, I just didn't want to add more emotional stress on top. and the sad thing is that letting go of anything, even the smallest bits of paper is so damn emotionally charged for me that it generally sucks to even think about. but I guess I've been making some progress.

[nathank77]

6/18/24

2:19 p.m

Well I took the second tiny piece of xanax at like 1:25 a.m. I closed my eyes around 1:50 a.m and I slept solidly until my alarm went off at 8:15 a.m. I could have fallen back to sleep but I didn't let myself so I only got like 5 hours and 45 minutes of sleep maximum. I'm sticking to this schedule and give up time for an all nighter is 4 a.m. I will take my xanax at 10 p.m tonight. And everyday from here on out. Obv I'm taking a 1mg tonight bc of my testosterone shot tomorrow.

I will try to go back to a half mg on thursday... I doubt it'll work I'll have to prob accept my tolerance raising. I'm not going back to my old circadian rhythm. I refuse. I get so much more done I can make phone calls I can go places. So we will see how it goes.

I'm about ready to kill myself tbh. I'm starting to care less and less about myself. Sure I'm taking care of myself and trying really hard but I'm sick of panicking about sleep. I'm beyond sick of hallucinating constantly. Despite all my efforts and everything I do I hallucinate constantly bc I can't get out of this fucking toxic environment.

I couldn't be any more functional than I am other than working tbh. Atm I'm doing some laundry. I still got that last box of stuff from the attic that came from my dresser i can't do it today cause my mom needed to do some laundry. I started my good clothes when I woke up so I can finish that.

I went up to the attic and took all the stuff from the keepsake pile in the hallway and organized it in the "clean room" keepsake pile. The hallway is ready for the storage bins that are coming Friday. I'm done with the attic until then. Not including washing those clothes but I'm not going back up there until Friday.

I somewhat regret going up to the attic first I didn't realize today was so hot. I showered when I came downstairs cause I was drenched and felt nasty and I was going to go grocery shopping today instead of tomorrow to expose myself to sunlight since my testosterone shot is tomorrow but I would have showered after I sweat in the car so I'll just go tomorrow.

Now I'm re-doing my posters in my room. My old set up when I first moved in never got changed when I moved my furniture around the first time and then after getting my new furniture. So why not. I got to keep myself busy.

Dad never called me back I left a voicemail yesterday.

I'm legit more functional than I've ever been yet my brain won't recover and sleep has to be an accomplishment... and now I'm worried about raising my tolerance I never really wanted to do that. I just wanted extra for an emergency. I planned to be throwing out the old stuff next year as I accumulated more emergency pills....

I'm so fucking lonely. At this point I'm doing the attic and organizing my life so when I kill myself my family won't have a mess to clean up. I mean sure I'm going to keep trying for a while but let's be real:

1) I'm on disability for ocd bc it's BAD

2) I'm trans and it's not 2050 or something people won't give me a chance.

3) I hear voices... and yea I can keep it a secret for a while but eventually I got to tell them and it could make then run for the hills....

4) I live with my mom and am poor for life.

What do I have to offer someone? A guy who talks and cries in his sleep from ptsd. A guy who can't work. A guy who can't even wash a dish. A guy who would only serve the purpose of a stay at home dad. Women want a provider. In this economy I mean it's kinda hard not to have both parents working.

I'm never going to be a father. I'm never going to be on a birth certificate. I'm never going to get married. I'm never going to have not toxic people in my life. And when everyone starts dying I'll regret that I didn't spend more time with my toxic family.

I'll never stop hallucinating. Sleep will never be a given instead of an accomplishment and I can't work on my ocd with this voice. And beyond that if I kill myself Kristen loses her license. .

I mean all I'm saying is no I'm not planning it but one more all nighter. I mean if months keep going by and I find no girl to talk to. If I don't see changes I'm done.

My life is intolerable. I have nothing but a roof over my head and a pot to shit in. That's it. I thought at 33 my life would be more than this. It isn't. It's never going to be.

I think about what I have to live for or look forward to. My siblings who will start to hate me Connor is already.. and then the idea that someone could love the shattered pieces that I am. That someone can see a mosaic instead of broken peices but they won't.

This is my life and it hasn't changed and never will change and the only ways in which it will change is for the worst. I thought Massachusetts was the worst thing that ever happened to me I laugh now. Microsleeping and auditory hallucinations that never end is and I don't want to pretend I'm alive anymore.

I'm not living. I'm surviving and that's all I've ever done. And it's all I'll ever do.

I'll never go on a vacation. I'll never experience anything but misery and it's just fact.

[the-sage-libriomancer]

Act Three

In which some thematic elements are rearranged and everything works out just dandy regardless.

The team crashes at Cass's place for the night, resolving to deal with the whole rogue Callaghan thing tomorrow. Tadashi is supposed to be resting, but he's a workaholic who must Do Shit in times of stress, so while everyone's asleep he looks over the footage they took from the test site. That's how he discovers the connection between Callaghan, Abigail, and Krei, and figures out the revenge plan from there.

Cut to morning at Krei's new corporate facility. Callaghan enacts his plan, but this time he has the formidable EB-1 as a bodyguard. When Team Tadashi arrives on the scene, they split into two groups: one to fight the microbots and one to fight EB-1. For thematic reasons, it's Tadashi and Baymax who take down EB-1 by replacing its combat-heavy chip with a copy of Baymax's original healthcare chip.

Big fight scene, yadda yadda, I don't care about this part that much. What's important is that the fight with Callaghan is only stopped when Callaghan accidentally gets sucked into the portal. Now Tadashi, the only flier available atm, has to decide whether he risks his life to save the man responsible for his brother's death.

He does. He saves Callaghan, finds and retrieves Abagail, and makes it home safely. (Jury's out on whether Baymax makes the heroic sacrifice or not, but I'm thinking not since it's not really necessary in this version. Callaghan goes to jail and Team Tadashi quietly slips away bc they don't want to stick around and answer any questions.

Epilogue! It's a new semester at SFIT. Abigail starts classes with the team (the university gave her a freebie to look good after the Callaghan-is-a-supervillain scandal lmao) and adjusts to her new life, getting adopted by Team Tadashi in the process. Tadashi continues working on the new and improved EB-1, determined to make it a success and hopefully save lives in the future. Baymax vibes with Cass at the cafe and provides emotional support for everyone he runs into. Everyone lives happily ever after the end.

Was randomly in the mood to read a Tadashi Lives/Hiro Dies au for BH6, but then I remembered that I was never able to find a good one bc all of the fics were just boring remixes or even outright retellings of the movie's plot with Tadashi in Hiro's role. So since I'm in the mood for outlining and also super bored here's my vision of what a good "Hiro dies instead of Tadashi AU" would look like:

(this is split into acts bc apparently Tumblr has a character limit and this got unspeakably long lol)

Act One

A little before the fire starts, Hiro runs back into the school for whatever reason and is in the building when it explodes. Obviously he doesn't make it and of course Tadashi is completely devastated.

Most fics I read showed Tadashi falling into a depressive funk the way Hiro did in canon. I actually think he would react the opposite way: Hiro was so brilliant that he lost motivation easily bc it was so hard to seriously challenge himself, but Tadashi strikes me as the sort of person who needs to Do Something when things go to shit. So in this AU he becomes a workaholic, working on a brand new project that requires a LOT of time and effort.

Tadashi's new project is an "emergency bot" (aka EB-1) that is basically a more proactive version of Baymax centered around search and rescue. EB-1 will be capable of saving people from car accidents, natural disasters, and yes, fires. Tadashi is obsessed with completing it and forgoes everything else.

Unfortunately Baymax is pushed to the wayside by Tadashi, as just looking at him brings up memories of Hiro that are currently painful. A small running gag is that Baymax keeps inflating when he senses Tadashi being self-destructive (ie every ten minutes) and Tadashi keeps shutting him down, until finally Tadashi brings him back to Cass's place and leaves him there.

Tadashi's friends are more heavily involved this time around since this is one of their best friends. They do everything in their power to make him take care of himself, but he's heavily resisting because he is Going Through It and refuses to relinquish his unhealthy coping mechanisms.

A couple of weeks after Hiro's death, Tadashi is snooping around town in search of a good place to field test the EB-1, and he happens upon the warehouse that's hosting Callighan's microbot making operation. Tadashi accidentally tips off Kabuki Man while getting some pictures and barely escapes Kabuki Man's clutches.

Furious that someone has apparently stolen his little brother's tech and is mass producing it, Tadashi gets his friends involved. They're initially skeptical even with the pictures (which are terrible quality lol), but Tadashi convinces them to come see the warehouse with him so he can prove himself. Since they get a jump start this time, they end up catching Kabuki Man red-handed as he's still moving the microbot-making equipment.

Obviously Kabuki Man chases Team Tadashi, and there's a brief chase scene. However, Tadashi came prepared: he brought EB-1 (hastily modified to have some fighting prowess) and unleashes it on Kabuki Man for its first "test run." EB-1 successfully fills all its initial parameters before Kabuki Man bails, which Tadashi is excited about - his invention works! His friends are considerably less excited about all this and vote to go somewhere to recuperate.

Safe at Fred's house (because we NEED that reveal), Tadashi and his friends put their heads together to figure out their options. One thing leads to another, and the five of them end up pinning Krei as a main suspect - not necessarily as Kabuki Man himself, but definitely as someone who might be involved.

One fic I read was such an unoriginal rehash that it literally repeated movie scenes verbatim with Tadashi speaking Hiro's lines (AU authors please don't do this) BUT the one place it did try to be original was by replacing Hiro's gadgets-making montage with Team Tadashi literally flying up to Krei's office on the top floor (using Baymax no less) and interrogating him, and I honestly can't think of a more ic way for the group to go about it. If you asked me "what would a bunch of tired and desperate STEM majors do when they need to talk to a rich businessman they can't contact" that would be it lmao.

Interrogating Krai goes about as well as you'd expect: he refuses to give them any information, but does make a compelling enough argument that Team Tadashi is forced to leave him alone. Tadashi still doesn't trust him but reluctantly rules him out as a Kabuki Man suspect. However, Krei accidentally drops a couple clues about Silent Sparrow that will become relevant later.

Team Tadashi dejectedly calls it quits, and the team tries to convince Tadashi to focus his energy elsewhere. But Tadashi isn't giving up just yet.

[bitsandbobsofwriting]

Prompt! I love Hunith and really like when she's depicted as a caring mother but I've always been fascinated by the idea that in her obsession to keep Merlin safe she actually traumatized him and hindered his development (we all remember the "am I a monster?" Line from the pilot).

One day Merlin and the gang (Knights, Arthur and whoever you want) (post magic reveal) are playfully comparing their childhoods, they ask Merlin about his and he refuses to tell them bc he doesn't want to be a Debby Downer but they keep insisting.

Maybe she tried to drown him as a babe hours after his first spell because she would rather do it herself than to have her son ripped away from her. She doesn't follow through with it but came real close.

Maybe he wasn't allowed to go outside for the first 5 years bc his magic is still incredibly temperamental and people could accidentally see it. Maybe she did murder a traveler that saw it and tried to run to tell someone, she doesn't know Merlin was watching.

Maybe when he was 9 she brought him to the kitchen before lunch, made him watch her decapitate a live chicken (it's the standard way to prepare and kill chicken for food btw), explained that if people see his magic this will be his fate. She made him watch the butcher of every chicken they cooked that season.

Maybe due to being confined inside and living fairly far from the village he was almost 8 the first time he saw someone other than his mother or the voices she kept him hidden from. She crafted a story of how he was adopted and his parents were friends of hers that died in a fire a few villages over.

I know sometimes I make these prompts too detailed but just do whatever you want. This is just some ideas and not a script. Go big, queen.

(This is #32 on This List)

Ok. So. I've been thinking about this in some capacity every second of my life since it arrived in my inbox, and anon? I'm in love with you.

I adore this concept. We all know I love a bit of angst, but this is top tier, and I'm going to make it really horrifying (I have tweaked it a little to make it more so)😁

~

SO!! The gang, all post magic reveal and everything, are discussing their childhoods. No real reason, it's just a topic of conversation that happened to come up. Merlin is happily listening in, but not really contributing at all until someone points it out, and he's all "Nah, don't mind me, my childhood was kind of a bummer." and they keep pushing and it's all "Well, it can't have been that bad, doesn't your mum tell you what you were like as a toddler?" and Merlin is like... kinda tense at the mention of his mother, but relationship wise he feels, after everything, they're in a really good place atm and he doesn't want to seem like he's bad talking her, and he also doesn't want to be teased or called out or seem like a bad son, because he knows all of his friends love his mum. So instead it's "Hmm, not really, I got punished a lot as a kid, was kinda naughty I guess." but like... poor boy doesn't understand that what happened.... was not normal, or ok in ANY way, even if he had magic (even post ban repeal, he struggles with the whole monster self image thing). Someone asks "Right, well... what was the worst thing you did, and the worst punishment you ever got?" and Merlin, deadass, without seeing an issue with it (he knows it's a mood killer, but he doesn't know how horrifying it is), says "One day she got really scared of my magic—I kept using it when she told me not to, so I guess it was my fault lol—and she drowned me in the river, then fished me out and buried me in the woods somewhere. That was how we found out I was immortal, because I dug myself out a few days later and wandered home, the whole village had apparently been out looking for me—I told them I just got lost. I don't think she knows I remember, and I plan on keeping it that way.". Everyone is... horrified, and Merlin is all smiling and "Told you it was a bit of a bummer, we get on a lot better now I can control my magic, don't worry." and they have to like... control themselves as they very calmly, very quietly, ask what else Hunith did in the name of keeping him safe.

ANYWAY it's horrifying, and all of them feel super guilty because they'd previously been really fond of Hunith. But yeah, burning him when he used magic, keeping him locked up for years, telling him terrifying bed time stories about evil kings and burning pyres and monsters (knights) coming for him in the night, among other things.

~

I am SO looking forward to writing this, thank you so MUCH!!!

[moononastring]

hi! I hope you're doing well

I saw that you're the listening ear here for everyone and I just need someone right now

so my bf and I have been together for 3 years but we live with our families (we're from South Asia) so we've a schedule where we meet on alternative days for lunch. we couldn't meet in the past two weeks bcs I had my finals so we had a nice plan for today. but he calls me this morning and tells me that he and his friends made a last minute plan and were going out of town and that he was busy atm and couldn't talk more. I was ok with it. so I thought that maybe we could meet tomorrow or the day after that since I'll be busy with my internship from next week and my schedule will be packed. I messaged him in the evening to ask when he'll be back and he said Sunday. now idky but this hurt bcs, a. he sprung this plan on me out of nowhere, b. he'll be gone for the next 4 days when we had so much planned, c. ik that he has his life and all that but this past year has all been about how his friends tease him that they all will be going to different places for their jobs (this being the last year of college) and I'll still be here with him so he's been more about them

I don't want to sound like a bitch bcs he's great but these past weeks have been so stressful with finals and I got my period just one day before my statistics final and I was just so stressed and in pain and I just wanted him to understand and wanted these few days to relax with him but now I'll here at home and I don't know what to do since all my friends are busy and I've wanted to do since this evening is cry

hello darling <3

First of all, you don't sound like a bitch. You sound like you're disappointed in the turn of events and that is absolutely okay. Your feelings on it are valid.

I'm sorry it's been a stressful time for you! I hope you find a way to take these few days to care for YOU and destress. I know the plan didn't go as you wished it had BUT I think this is a nice opportunity for you to do things for yourself. Yes, your friends may be busy and your bf is out of town but YOU can do things on your own as well. Do something you've wanted to do and it's okay to do things alone.

If you want/need to cry about being disappointed, do that first and let it out of your system. Then, pick yourself up and plan things out for yourself. You've been stressed so if this is a weekend of honest-to-god doing nothing but napping and eating good food THEN SO BE IT.

Now, onto your BF (and I know you didn't ask for advice or a solution BUT), I think it's important you have a conversation with him about it. You clearly didn't appreciate that this turn of events ruined plans the two of you already had and though you said you didn't mind...it seems like you did mind. A lot of times (and I'm mostly about myself here) we say we're fine with things because they're already happening so you feel like the only option is to be fine with whatever the situation is. Don't let yourself do that again. For yourself first, because you don't want to set yourself up for other disappointments. He wants to have a boys trip and hang out with his friends! I get that! Esp since you said post-college it might not be the same! That's fine. What wasn't okay (and clearly bothered you) was that those plans trumped the ones y'all planned out right before things are going to get hectic again. And that is okay. Things have been busier and you seem like you just miss hanging out with your man.

Once he comes back, find time to talk about it. You should talk about your expectations for time together because you don't want to feel like you're not a priority. You said he's great and that's great! So, as always, communication is key and you both want to feel like your needs are being met with each other. Explain why you felt this way.

Again, I know you didn't ask for advice so I hope you don't mind that I gave it anyway lololol. But I hope that you take advantage of this week and do something fun for you. Feel your feels but also let yourself just...take it easy. You deserve a stress-free weekend.

I hope this helps you feel a little bit better <3 Treat yo self with something you like. You're doing great!

[mallowstep]

(I came up with this au while in debate class so I'm calling it the Debate AU if you don't mind)

Tigerstar absolutely misread everything about Riverclan and fucked up so bad by keeping Stonefur, Mistyfoot Featherpaw, and Stormpaw alive and well and healthy but basically doing everything to Leopardstar that he does to Mistyfoot and Feathertail and Leopardstar in the Misty and Leopard AUs that Stone pulls a Scourge in front of all the clans and everyone looks at Stonefur in terror but Stonefur only has eyes for Leopardstar, who is leaning heavily on Mistyfoot. (Like Leopard is beat down, she's loosing hair, and she has deeply infected scratches on her shoulders.Stone and Misty fucking Hate Tigerstar for what he's done to this cat they've known all their lives.) Stonefur kicks Shadowclan the fuck out of Riverclan territory, Mistyfoot doesn't let Mudfur near Leopardstar (neither does Featherpaw, for that matter. She wasn't abused and she's healthy, but she was traumatized in-Tigerstar had her watch Mudfur abuse Leopardstar and Tigerstar himself told Featherpaw Greystripe thought the same things about her.) Featherpaw won't let any warriors in Leopardstar's den unless she's in there with Leopardstar ---so Featherpaw can protect Leopardstar. The silver furred apprentice curls around her leader, "I'm right here, Leopardstar. Stonefur and Mistyfoot are talking to the other clans and then they'll be back. Stonefur said he'd bring back your favorite." Featherpaw added, purring as she groomed Leopardstar's head. "Stormpaw said he went and got the best trinket for your new den though, and he thinks it's going to be your choice over uncle Stonefur's."

damn anon. thank you. hold on i'm going to engage.

also fair like. i'm. i'm out of the haze and not good at keeping track of au tags so. the only ones i'm really tagging for are the ones i'm like. still thinking about. stone au atm. just didn't want like. u to be. think it was a thing. i'm just tired 100% of the time. anyway.

cw: sexual assault, physical abuse, a few more detailed cws immediately under the cut

cws: parent being involved in sexual assault of child, child sexual abuse (via exposure)

cool. sometimes it's like. i dunno. anyway. sorry i said i'm tired but also very into this.

anyway /nm but also reminder to everyone that i have adhd and would prefer if you included paragraph breaks. obviously i just copy it into a document and add my own but. i appreciate when you save me the step. like i get it y'all've seen me ramble at Length in one paragraph before i just. appreciate it.

okay back on topic.

i'm going to sidestep riverclan related concerns for the sake of "angst good," lmao. riverclan related concerns being if i wasn't tired i could easily come up with a justification i'm just tired and lazy.

but like yeah like. uh. dammit i'm already opening up tpb books left and right. let me just.

"But common sense says there’ll be a battle, Firestar. I don’t need an omen from StarClan to tell me that."

oh my god can cinderpelt like. go and talk to all of the modern medicine cats so that they stop flipping out because starclan isn't answering their texts or whatever.

Remembering the wounded and devastated cats in the WindClan camp the day before, he had expected only a small group to come to Fourtrees. Instead practically every warrior must have been there.

i mean windclan has like five warriors but-

Firestar waved his tail to signal to the two united Clans—LionClan, he thought with a rush of pride. This was his destiny.

this is mostly for jace (assuming u see this) bc it's the whole "importance of lionclan existing" thing i was referring to. didn't bother to pull quotes on my dotc rant, but here u go.

so. point of canon divergence* is:

“Greetings, Tigerstar,” he meowed coolly. “You came, then. Not still looking for those prisoners you lost from RiverClan territory?” Tigerstar let out a snarl. “You’ll regret that day’s work, Firestar.” “Try and make me,” Firestar retorted.

* from firestar's pov

bc obviously that didn't happen.

no, what happens is firestar sees -- blackfoot and darkstripe and.

leopardstar.

firestar harbours no affection for riverclan's leader. but. even from a distance, he can see her ribs. he'd be surprised she was standing on her own, if he wasn't processing everything else going on.

he doesn't see this part.

Mistyfoot's tail flicks to Stonefur's shoulder, and he nods. They've only exchanged a few words, only had a brief moment, but they're ready.

Stonefur glances back. Featherpaw and Stormpaw are out of the way. He hopes, if this goes wrong, they have the sense to run. If they had the chance, he would have told them to skirt the edge of TigerClan and try to make it as deep into ThunderClan's territory as they could.

He hopes they have the sense to figure that out for themselves.

Firestar is exposing Tigerstar's plans. RiverClan doesn't react. There's not much they'd be surprised by, Stonefur muses. If Firestar told them Tigerstar killed his own kit, he doesn't think he'd be shocked.

Mistyfoot slips towards the front of the crowd. Leopardstar doesn't know, of course. Stonefur has barely had the chance to say two words to her in the past moon. He slinks around to the space between the Clans.

Firestar finishes his speech. No one says anything. Firestar looks takenaback. He glances towards Leopardstar; Stonefur does too. Mistyfoot is watching him, but she's looking at the ground.

A part of Stonefur wants to say, "That's not all." Because, as he starts to run, preparing to leap at Tigerstar, he wants them to know why. He wants them to know what Tigerstar has done. He wants them to revel in Tigerstar's death.

But he doesn't.

Tigerstar sees him, of course. Stonefur isn't trying to be subtle.

"You," Tigerstar growls.

Say it, Stonefur thinks. Tell them what you've done.

But Tigerstar doesn't.

The actual fight is a blur. He doesn't think he is himself again, until Tigerstar's corpse twitches and stills, and he looks towards Leopardstar. Mistyfoot has inserted herself between Leopardstar and Blackfoot, and Stonefur nods minutely.

It's over now.

the clans, of course, are...shocked. riverclan has no complaints, and while...everyone (more or less) is happy tigerstar is dead, but...for thunderclan and windclan, stonefur just murdered him without direct provocation. and the fact that he killed him nine times? direct violation of a warrior doesn't need to kill.

like. if they Knew, they would think stonefur just. but they don't know.

and riverclan doesn't want to explain and shadowclan doesn't want to explain and no i'm not at this moment figuring out what happens wrt bloodclan and so forth. i just wanted to set that scene.

yeah. no idea what happens next in a lot of places here. but.

everyone goes home.

("Your territory," Stonefur growls.

"Obviously," Blackfoot says.)

mistyfoot takes leopardstar to her den. stonefur tells stormpaw to run to thunderclan and ask for their medicine cat. tells him to say it's urgent and he can't explain here. tells him that if they want to send her with a warrior or two, don't argue. just get her here.

featherpaw stations herself outside leopardstar's den.

stonefur feels like he should say something. he's still covered in tigerstar's blood.

"we're taking this down," he says, "now."

they dismantle the bonehill.

once the process has been started, stonefur lets the rest of the warriors finish, and grooms himself and washes in the river until he's satisfied every trace of blood has been taken care of.

he's about to see her when stormpaw arrives with cinderpelt and...hm. sandstorm.

(cinderpelt was there. she saw leopardstar. she can start to put pieces together.)

stonefur greets them, and featherpaw goes to tell mistyfoot and leopardstar, and the adrenaline is fading, his limbs starting to tremble. when's the last time he got any real sleep?

"Stormpaw said you needed a medicine cat," Cinderpelt says.

"We do."

"Did something happen to Mudfur?"

"He can't do this." Stonefur's tail flicks. "We need someone to look at Leopardstar -- you can use our herbs, of course, whatever you need."

Cinderpelt blinks. She's a young cat, Stonefur thinks, too young to be looking at him like she understands. Maybe it's part of being a medicine cat.

"Right then. Does Leopardstar know I'm coming?"

"Featherpaw is telling her."

and stonefur isn't going to follow cinderpelt into leopardstar's den.

for one, it's crowded enough, and he'd probably just get kicked out. for another, he doesn't know what leopardstar and cinderpelt will talk about, but -- he doesn't want to force himself into it.

cinderpelt stays for a while. sandstorm runs proxy, taking some herbs to her, but then she stays with cinderpelt. stonefur has probably been up for over a day when cinderpelt and sandstorm nod.

"take some prey before you leave," he says. "riverclan won't forget this."

"i went over some things with mistyfoot," cinderpelt says. "always good to have some basic herb knowledge."

cats don't have a direct analogue for kissing, but stonefur could kiss cinderpelt for having the grace to say that without letting on why. it's not like riverclan doesn't know. everyone knows.

but.

it's still appreciated.

As the sun rises, Stonefur stands, facing into Leopardstar's den.

"Can I come in?"

Her eyes are watching him. Even they have been changed: no longer the brilliant gold he remembers, but something brassy and dull.

"Of course."

Featherpaw slips past him, taking his place as sentry. She needs to sleep, Stonefur thinks, but it might be best to wait until she's too exhausted to keep her eyes open. He's not above carrying her back to her den like a kit.

Leopardstar starts to stand.

"Don't," Stonefur says. "It's alright."

He hates that seeing her like this is not foreign to him.

Mistyfoot curls up, her eyes closed, a compromise. Stonefur sinks to the ground. "Can I -- do anything?"

Leopardstar looks at the empty space in her nest. "Would you stay with me?"

"Of course." (Anything.)

yeah. uh. i think like. i dunno. it's not like tigerstar ever showed leopardstar a single ounce of kindness. so. uh. am i using that as an excuse to sidestep angst? no. no i am not. well. not entirely. but Damn leopardstar needs a hug.

that she can initiate and control.

but still. she's desperately deprived of positive human contact and as someone who cried once because someone put their hand on my shoulder and i hadn't touched another human being in like six months. i think she needs it.

ohh boy yeah. i think y'all know me well enough to know where i'd go with that angle.

so let me turn my attention to featherpaw. i started answering this ask like an hour ago. anon i love you.

featherpaw has. uh. she's got a Lot of problems. as you can probably understand.

i'd say let's start at the top, but i'm not sure where that is, so let's start with her relationship to stormpaw, because i think that should get fucked up. i think...you know how stormpaw says, "i won't let him kill us"? and. yeah.

but there's never One Moment here and stormpaw realizes way too late and featherpaw feels like...you know like. everyone who is supposed to help her is failing her. she can't really blame leopardstar, and mistyfoot clearly feels bad, and stonefur like. idk what he was doing but she's solidly neutral on him.

could tigerstar try to fuck all of that up? of course he could. do i want to write featherpaw and stonefur arguing about leopardstar? i've already written a lot of something blindingly similar, so not at the moment.

anyway. the relationship i will freely fuck with is stormpaw. i think not because of anything specific, i think tigerstar just gets in her head and she looks like her mother (something tigerstar brings up) and stormpaw takes after their father and he keeps acting like everything is normal and.

at the end of the day, there's this gulf between them that he keeps stepping into.

so yeah. not to mention greystripe. like. fuck.

"Featherpaw!" Greystripe waves his tail at his daughter, and she flinches.

oh hey i hit the grammar cut off again. let me. i learned how to do this okay i'm going to insert some kind of dummy image or something to reset the counter.

there it's a link to my tumblr but i've got grammar checking again xd

moving on.

featherpaw doesn't want to talk to greystripe. it's not Strictly that she thinks what tigerstar said was true (although she's not sure it isn't), but that. just looking at him sets off a loop in her head.

uh. does anyone explain this to greystripe? no. because the cats who could are:

leopardstar (doesn't want to talk about it)

mudfur (doesn't want to talk about it)

mistyfoot (but only by inference, and doesn't consider explaining things to greystripe a priority)

featherpaw (doesn't want to talk about it and doesn't want to talk to greystripe)

so yeah. no. he's in the Dark.

one of the first priorities is building leopardstar a new den. and decorating it. that's part of building a den i just wanted to clarify and.

featherpaw takes it seriously. because. you know. beauty begets beauty.

she doesn't want...stormpaw is ready to jump straight into sharing a den with old apprentice friend dawnpaw. maybe they never stopped.

but featherpaw? doesn't feel safe there. (doesn't feel safe anywhere.)

especially as she's getting older and tigerstar certainly implied and-

she's not sleeping very well.

mistyfoot and stonefur are trying to help her but they're not therapists! they don't know what to do! featherpaw clearly is dealing with shit but how do they help her??? they have no idea!!! how would they?

in a very strange inverse of canon, leopardstar and featherpaw develop a close relationship. leopardstar feels like she failed to protect featherpaw. featherpaw just. doesn't know. she doesn't know what she feels or thinks or knows and like: leopardstar doesn't. she doesn't need to explain herself to leopardstar.

she's in a big sister role to the kits, i think.

uh. yeah. featherpaw. she is not taking any of this well.

sooner or later greystripe corners her (because he doesn't know) and she's having a panic attack and leopardstar is like "you are never allowed to talk to her ever again" and greystripe is like "what the fuck did i do" and someone (mistyfoot?) finally explains.

uh. what else.

stonefur + leopardstar + featherpaw cuddle pile? leopardstar is in the centre. she feels kind of weird about that because she can tell featherpaw is like. going through this whole. uh. whats the. fuck.

like. featherpaw feels like she needs to protect her and leopardstar doesn't really want to encourage that but on the otherhand it's kind of nice that featherpaw is right here because tigerstar 100% used to threaten her to leopardstar and-

yeah.

uh.

i started writing two hours ago so i'm just going to post.

[into-control]

i’m literally at the point where i just feel like shutting down // idk if this will make you feel better or worse but I think that's completely understandable bc we're literally in the middle of a pandemic that has caused major disruption to our lives, and a lot of us have also either gotten sick or known people who have gotten sick or even passed away, and it's all unbelievably stressful. and so it's kinda messed up that society expects us all to function normally

like idk if hearing other people are in similar situations will help or not (I'm sorry if it doesn't, I'm ok at it but I'm not great with social stuff, I'm on the spectrum), but my life is a whole mess right now. I think I'm a couple of years older than you so we're similar ages (ish), and I'm also stuck at home with my parents right now, I'm almost entirely closeted and it's causing some issues atm, and don't even get me started on online classes 😭✋. I haven't even been logging in to half of them, I have a group project that I've not even began, I have a lot of extremely important exams in literally a month, and I have not done anything. I don't even know the content.

I went from being top of the class and getting As and A*s to being at the literal bottom of the class and getting Ds and Es during this pandemic. and it's looking extremely likely that I'll fail the year, which is like £10,000 down the drain that I can't afford, and will mean I'll have to change all of my future education/career plans and do something else instead. I haven't been replying to emails, I've been struggling with other mental health issues a lot, etc. I went from functioning before the pandemic to barely functioning at all. and I'm really dreading going back to physical classes next week. people on the spectrum have a hard time dealing with changes, especially major ones, but tbh, even a lot of NT people are feeling thrown off by all of these changes and stressed and having a hard time

so I think I can understand (sort of) how you feel, even though I don't know your specific situation and only you know exactly how you feel, and it just sucks the way that we all have to continue on like everything is normal. imo places of education and workplaces should be providing more mental health support and being a little more relaxed with deadlines and the amount of work expected, but we're in a capitalist hellhole, so 😞

the way I've been trying to get myself through it is just reminding myself that other people are struggling too bc sometimes you really do feel like it's just you and that everyone else is doing fine. and for me personally, it makes me feel comforted almost, knowing that there are other people who know how I'm feeling right now, at least to some extent.

and I just keep reminding myself that we're gonna get through this. like it's an actual nightmare, and it feels like it's going to last forever, but it won't. it's just a really rough period in our lives, but it won't last forever. it's going to settle down eventually, and then we can hopefully get back on track and try to find some sort of plan to move forward from any damage that's been caused.

and for me, I'm also trying to start putting a lot more time into studying by waking up earlier and making to do lists and daily plans, because right now I've been avoiding things for several weeks (if not months), but I'm trying to fight that instinct and work against it

I'm really sorry you're going through a difficult situation too, and I really really hope you feel better soon. I didn't know what to say really because I'm not good at this kind of stuff and sometimes accidentally make people feel worse (😭), but I am really rooting for you and for me and for everyone else that's finding things difficult at the moment, and I really do believe that we can all get through this. and at least there's a vaccine now and things are looking more hopeful on that end. good luck with everything and I hope things improve for you soon!

this will end, and it's completely ok and normal and understandable that we're finding this hard, but it won't last forever at least 🙏 that thought is the only thing keeping me (somewhat) together right now, but it's true, our situations aren't gonna last. everything is awful and a mess and really difficult at the moment, but we're gonna get through it! ❤️

thank you ❤️❤️ i’m sorry about your grades, mine have been slipping a little bit and one side of me is completely freaking out about it and the other side is really indifferent to it bc i’m so drained but that in itself stresses me out so it’s all a big mess that i really just want to get through. i’m not very keen on losing my 80+ average scholarship and disappointing my parents but we’ll see