#at this point im so tired of going through feeding him his meds

[seemseem-no]

the temptation

[kirishwima]

oooo, what about... hcs on how MC treats the various members when they’re sick and vice versa if you’re up for it!!!!

oh i really like this! especially since im a little sick today too lol

YOOSUNG:

* When he’s sick, he’ll complain about it A Lot 

* He’s just a grumpy little bean, walking around with a blanket over his head and shoulders, probably with a thermometer stuck in his mouth for extra Drama ((yoosung bby that’s-that’s now how u use thermometers))

* He’ll love it if MC takes care of him, taking his temperature, bringing him tea in bed or cooking a warm meal for him

* Even though he loves to be pampered, he’d really try his best so MC won’t catch his cold-he’ll berely even look their way, even holding his breath when MC is near his face to e.g. put a compress on his forehead

* When MC is sick, his caretaker switch is instantly flipped 

* He loves to take care of his loved ones, and so he might feel a little guilty excitement to be the one to take care of MC in their time of need

* Will make delicious hecking soup, or even call his mom for some housewife flu remedies

* He’ll feel especially guilty if MC caught the cold from him-will double up his pampering ante and refuse to let MC even take a single step out of the bed

* He’ll personally call their work/uni to let them know MC’s sick, and will spend the day by their side no matter what

*He’s just a sweet caring baby :’)

ZEN:

* Also a Big. B I G drama queen when sick

* Zen: *sneezes*  Zen: This is it. This is how I die. Goodbye cruel world

* He very rarely gets sick thanks to his good genes and self-care, so when he does it feels like the end of the world for him

* If MC tries to care for him, he’ll appreciate it but will refuse their help at first, worried that they’ll catch his cold

* Will eventually accept the help though, especially if his cold worsens/if he develops a fever e.t.c

* The first time MC takes care of him when he’s sick, he might actually cry; he hasn’t had someone care for him like that ever since he left home, and even then he never experienced this gentleness, the way MC cradles his face when placing a cold compress to his forehead or how they hold his hand tight to comfort him

* He simply appreciates their presence really

* If MC is sick, he’s immediatly tackling them to the bed, turning them into a burrito of clothes and blankets as he dashes into the kitchen to make them some warm tea with honey

* Might actually be a liiiittle extreme with his care-no Zen, no one needs 5 spoons of honey in their tea nor a whole box of vitamin C to get over their cold. Yes, they’ll be fine even without wearing 25 layers of pyjamas

* MC will probably have to calm him down and reassure him they’re fine, they’ve been through the common cold a dozen times and it’ll pass

* He’ll be happy to care for them whichever way they need him to though

JAEHEE:

* Baehee does NOT get colds.

* She refuses to!!

* What you heard was definitely not a sneeze. It was just. Uhhh. It was just allergies. Yup, that’s all it was.

* It takes a lot to convince her that yes, Jaehee, you do have the flu, and yes you need to rest

* The fussiest patient ever really

* Even with a burning fever she’ll refuse to stay in bed, dazily trying to get ready for work regardless of her condition

* MC please tie this girl to the bed (no, not in a kinky way, more like a please-stay-there-and-get-better sorta way)

* When she eventually gives up and allows MC to take care of her, she’ll feel really guilty about it-Jaehee’s so used to being self-efficient, that she’s never really had someone care this much for her

* She appreciates it, but is also scared-for her having someone care this much for you is both a blessing and a curse, and it’ll take her a long time to learn to accept help when she needs it

* If MC is sick however, she’s immediatly running to the pharmacy for vitamins and cold medicine

* She won’t fuss too much over MC-it’s something she herself hates, so she doesn’t want to make MC feel overwhelmed either.

* Instead she’ll discreetly push MC to go home earlier from work, will leave all the necessary medicine on the bedside table, make some tea and soup for the both of them, e.t.c

* If she knows MC likes to be pampered, she’ll be more bold with her care, cuddling MC and placing her cool hands onto MC’s forehead for comfort (i hc that Jaehee always has really cold hands and feet lol)

JUMIN:

* Similarly to Jaehee, he’s not used to getting colds

* He has his own personal doctor, nutritionist, everything needed to be in perfect health pretty much

* It’s more likely that, after getting the yearly flu shot, he develops a few flu-like symptoms for a few days as it often happens with the influenza shot

* He tries to muscle through the symptoms, but when he starts coughing midway through a meeting, he decides to take the day off and go home to rest instead

* He’s very attuned to his body-if he feels unwell, then that’s that, and he’ll simply wait for his body to recover to its natural state

* MC is probably a bit shocked at first-they’ll try to offer Jumin some help, to go get him some medicine or cook something for him, but he’ll refuse, saying his doctor has already given him all the necessary medications and that he can just call the chef to make them both something appropriate for the winter weather

* If MC tells him that they’d rather cook something for him because ‘a meal made with love will make the cold go away faster’, then he’ll simply tell the chef to take the day off, and lounge in the kitchen as he fondly watches MC make him a heartwarming soup

* He’ll indulge a little if MC lets him-will tell them to feed him, smirking at the blush that spreads on their cheeks. He’ll raise a brow and tease them, asking if they should help him shower as well, laughing at their wide eyes at the suggestion (not that he’d mind it *wink wonk*)

* If MC is the one sick however, then hoo boy, all hell will break loose

* The penthouse is effectively in quarantine-he’ll call the best doctors he knows of to examine them, will tell Jaehee that he won’t be coming into work and remain by MC’s side at all times until MC is back in full health

* Jumin: “I’ve called the best doctors I know, you’re in good hands MC”  MC: “That’s literally a cardiologist and a diabetologist, Jumin that’s like asking an architect to engineer an airplane?! pls tell these poor ppl to go back home”

* He’s absoloutely one to overreact, and it’ll take a LOT to convince him to calm down and simply let MC rest

* He’ll actually try and cook for MC-nothing fancy, maybe just some rice porridge or noodle soup, and it might taste a bit weird, but he’ll be happy if MC eats even a little bit of it

* Just wants to take care of his SO, even if he doesn’t really know how to

SEVEN:

* Wait i thought idiots don’t catch colds-

* He is definitely one to catch a cold in the summer

* One moment he’s fine and memeing like usual, the next he’s laid down on the couch, sweating and coughing like there’s no tomorrow

* He’s not used to actually having someone around to care for him, and getting sick as a kid...well, it was essentially a death sentence, so he’s gotten used to hiding his symptoms as best as possible

* It’ll actually take a while for MC to notice he’s sick-they might hear him discreetly cough while trying to talk, notice he looks more tired than usual, little things that point out that he’s not in the best shape

* He won’t push MC away if they try to take care of him, but he’ll be really confused-he deadass NEVER had anyone do this for him, and he doesn’t really know what’s happening

* “Wait MC why are you pulling me to bed I’m not really in the mood for-”   “SHUT UP AND LET ME NURSE YOU BACK TO HEALTH YOU BID NERD”

* Will crack nurse jokes at any and all opprotunities (will try and get MC to wear his nurse cosplay outfit ofc)

* In all honestly, his heart will swell with love when he looks up to see MC’s worried face, how they’ll place a hand on his forehead or feed him medicine and a warm meal that isn’t honey buddha chips

* He feels guilty but at the same time so happy-he never thought he could ever have this, and he does, and he’s so scared that they’ll slip right through his fingers-with the boldness that the delerium of fever allows him, he’ll hold MC close to him, not caring wether they’ll catch his cold or not, simply grateful for their presence beside him

* If MC gets sick....good luck lmao

* He wants to take care of them, he just...has no clue how to lol

* Will put honey buddha chips in the microwave and hope it works

* Nah I’m just kidding-he’s used to taking care of Saeran as kids, so he more or less knows what to do-he will however have to ask Yoosung if he can come over and help him cook since he’s hopeless in that regard

V/JIHYUN:

* V actually has a pretty weak immune system-not immunocompromised per say, but he’s just more vulnerable to the winter cold is all

* He’s used to getting sick and knows the drill-go to the pharmacy, get some meds, stay in bed for a day or two, then back to daily life it is

* Rika...never really took much care of him. It’s probably not only because she didn’t try to, but also because he’s used to doing his best to not worry anyone; whatever burden there is to carry, he’ll try and carry it alone, always

* Well, MC is here now and they ain’t about to let that happen

* V will try and undermine his flu at first, but MC will insist, will tug this big lanky boy into bed and cover him in blankets, make him some warm tea with milk and honey and stay beside him as he drinks it, rubbing soothing circles in his back if he starts coughing/sneezing

* Unused to such affection, he’ll probably be shocked and flustered at first, but will appreciate the care nontheless

* Can’t wait to get healthy again so he can pepper MC’s face with kisses and take them on a well-deserved date, as a thank you for taking care of him

* If MC gets sick, his nursing mode is ON. 

* This boy is a caregiver by design-he loves to pamper his loved ones, loves to be there and caring for them as much as possible 

* If MC has a cough, he’ll cook up one of his mother’s remedies-a cup of warm red wine with honey and lemon (it soothes the throat instantly, 10/10 guaranteed)

* He’ll quietly stay besides them as they sleep the cold off, reading a book and frequently checking their temperature, placing lukewarm compresses to their forehead (only after placing a quick kiss of course)

* Hates to see his MC sick, but loves to care for them, can you see the predicament poor spicy mint is in

hi im soph and im here to remind you to get your yearly flu vaccine when possible! the yearly flu is no joke and actually kills thousands per year, so please take care of yourselves and your loved ones

-send me mystic messenger headcanons/scenarios for the characters to react to!-

[mandowh0re]

Baby For a Week

Day 2 Part 2

Fandom: Avengers MCU

Summary:  Loki decides it would be funny to turn Peter into a two year old, thrusting Tony into the life of an actual parent for a week. Is he ready?

Word Count: 1383

Warnings: Swearing, fluff, angst

A/N: I’m,,, updating??? HI GUYS! Also, I made Stucky a thing in this. Sorry not sorry.

Happy Reading!

Part 1.1/ Part 1.2/ Part 2.1/ Part 2.2

It was a relatively quiet evening after May left. Peter went down for a nap on his own and Tony took him and placed him in the crib along with the Iron Man plushie and puppy.

Deciding takeout would be a good idea after everyone tired themselves out playing with Peter, Tony ordered Chinese food to the Compound.

“So, how’s dad life treating you?” Natasha asked, before popping a piece of orange chicken in her mouth.

Tony shot her a glare, “I’m not-”

“Oh for the love of God!” Bucky slammed his flesh hand down on the table, “If I hear you say you’re not the kid’s dad one more time I’ll slap Steve,” he jerked his thumb to the man next to him.

“Um excuse me, don’t bring me into this!” Steve’s hands flew up.

Bucky ignored his boyfriend’s protest, “You literally walk, talk, and act like Pete’s dad twenty-four-seven. I’m pretty fucking sure the only person who doesn’t realize that is you.”

Steve quickly slapped Bucky upside the head at the same time Natasha kicked him under the table and Sam scream whispered, “Dude!”

Tony blinked a few times before his brain caught up with him.

“What did you just say?”

Bucky’s eyes got wide and they shot around the table.

“I no longer feel safe in this environment.” he said as he slumped in his seat.

“Oh now you’re intuition works.” Natasha hissed.

“Barnes,” Tony said, “What did you mean by that?”

It was silent for a few seconds before Bucky rolled his eyes and sat back up, “Well there’s no point in hiding it now!”

“It’s not your secret to tell, Buck.”

“I’ll get murdered either way. I’d rather get murdered by the spider.”

“You’re gonna make the kid cry.”

“He made us promise, Barnes.”

“Hey!” Tony yelled, getting everyone’s attention, “I’d like to know what secret my supposed spider child is keeping from me. So if you be so kind as to enlighten me,” he raised a brow.

Before anyone could stop him, Bucky blurted, “Petercallsyoudadwhenyouarentaroundto-.”

Tony choked on his spit at the same time Steve tackled Bucky to the ground..

“That’s a bold faced lie,” He said, but with such uncertainty that is came out painfully wavered.

His eyes flickered to Bruce, who just shrugged.

“FRIDAY?”

“Sergeant Barnes is telling the truth. I could not tell you because Peter convinced me not to.”

There were so many things swirling in Tony’s head right now.

How long had this been going on? Was it an accident at first? He really hasn’t fucked up with Peter? How had the kid manipulated Tony’s own AI to withhold information?

So he just avoided it altogether.

Turning to Barnes he said, “Can I at least say it one more time for the satisfaction of seeing Rogers get slapped?”

The look on Bucky’s face was pure evil.

***

That night, Tony was woken up by Peter screaming his lungs out.

Pepper had left on a business trip earlier in the evening to China, so he was left to his own devices.

Looking over the paper May had given him, she listed a few reasons as to why Peter may throw a tantrum.

Ear infection

Sick

Overly tired

Frustrated

Peter had an enhanced healing factor that made it damn near impossible for him to get sick, and he was sleeping. So all of those possibilities flew right out the window.

Tony had been bouncing the boy and cooing at him for the last ten minutes but nothing even caused Peter to let up on the screaming. And because he was screaming, he couldn’t communicate to Tony what was wrong.

“FRIDAY, can you scan him to see if there’s anything wrong that I’m missing?”

“I have already done so three times, boss. I cannot find anything physically wrong with him. Perhaps you should call Bruce up to look at him.”

“Right, right, okay. Can you have Bruce meet me in the med bay?”

“Will do.”

Tony grabbed puppy and the iron man plushie that the kid now called “kitty”, which the others made fun of Tony endlessly for.

“I don’t see him clutching to a stuffed version of any of you shit heads.”

When he got to the med bay, Bruce was already there in his pajamas with a white lab coat on.

The screaming child in Tony’s arms made him wince, “Mam, FRIDAY wasn’t messing around.”

“Does she ever?” Tony asked as he walked over to the bed.

“Yeah, if you ask her to.”

“One time. That was one time and you all basically grounded me.”

Just as Tony went to set Peter on the bed, the screaming got impossibly louder and Peter latched onto Tony with his spider powers.

“Well shit.”

“Just sit on the bed and put him on your lap. He should be fine there.”

After an extensive check, Bruce finally concluded that there really was nothing wrong with Peter. Luckily, by the time he was finished, Peter had calmed down to the point of hiccups and sniffles.

“Peter,” Bruce spoke quietly, “Can you tell us what’s wrong?”

Peter clutched the stuffed toys tighter and looked up at Tony, his chubby cheeks red and stained with tear tracks.

Tony ran a hand through the boy’s curls and carefully wiped a stray tear away, “It’s okay buddy. You can tell us.”

Peter looked between tony and Bruce a few more times before settling into Tony’s lap.

“Bird.”

Wait what?

“What do you mean, bud?”

“Mean bird. Big a-and gween eyes. Hurt.”

“Peter, there aren’t any birds in the building,” Bruce tried to explain, but Peter shook his head violently.

“Drop me in water! Th-then big house fell down n I not move and nobody help!” Peter was beginning to hyperventilate.

“He’s talking about Vulture. Toomes. I think. I’m not sure what he means about the house though.” Tony told Bruce.

“So a nightmare.” Bruce stated.

“I thought he only remembered us and his powers. No events.”

Bruce shrugged, “Maybe he has memories of things in his sleep. It’s Loki. And it’s magic. Honestly, we have no way to control or predict anything from here. We just gotta play it by ear.”

“Wonderful,” Tony groaned, “Hey Pete. The big mean bird is gone, he isn’t gonna hurt you. It was just a dream. I promise you’re safe.”

Peter only whimpered in response, but Tony took that as an okay to take him back up to the penthouse.

“Sorry for waking you, Brucie.”

“Never a problem for Peter.”

“I see where I stand.”

“Against the world’s cutest kid? Yeah, you do.”

Tony chuckled but headed back to the elevator.

When he finally got Peter to fall back to sleep, Tony snuck out to the living room of his penthouse.

“FRIDAY, I wanna know what Peter meant by what he said earlier. Look for any collapsed buildings in New York City in the timeframe from when he first told Happy about Toomes to the night Toomes was arrested.”

“I have found five collapsed buildings reported within those constrictions.”

“How many are still open cases or listed as suspicious or unsolved?”

“Two.”

“How did each one fall?”

“One building was an old abandoned apartment that burned to the ground. No arrest has been made in the case, but it appears to be arson. The other was an abandoned parking garage, collapsed from possible structural integrity. No arrest has been made, but it happened the night of the plane crash. The call to emergency operators came in about twenty minutes before your plane crashed.”

Tony physically felt his heart drop into his stomach.

“Were there any security cameras around that night?”

A shop across the street had a camera with the garage partially in its frame. I’m pulling it up now.”

A video feed came over the tv screen that had a partial shot of the street, including the parking garage.

A few seconds played before a red streak flew through the frame.

“Stop. Rewind. Play that frame by frame and enhance the video.”

FRIDAY did as requested, and there on the screen was Peter, in his old homemade spiderman suit, swinging towards the garage.

Tony felt his heart beginning to beat faster. Faster than it should.

He watched patiently for another three minutes, before the structure collapsed.

***

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Strikethru means I cant tag you

[love-mom17]

6.27.18 (Super long update)

Hello you guys! I want to apologize for being MIA during my last month of my pregnancy. Let me just tell you that I have finished school. I finished school on June 13 :). Which I am very happy about.

I did give birth to my little boy on May 28th. Little one was born on his exact due date. Let me go ahead and give you guys all the details because it has been a rough road for me.

Lets go ahead and back track to my last month and a half of my pregnancy. As usual I was having problems with my manager. I was just ready to get the hell out of there. It was very stressful for me. Two weeks before I was about to go on maternity leave, As I was showering... I ended up losing my balance as I was stepping out of the tub. I was luckily able to catch my fall right on the edge of the tub so I didn’t hit/hurt my self. So that was my first scare.

During my last week of work, while I was at school eating fruit, I didn't realize that my fruit had a freaking maggot in it. I honestly wasn't sure if I had ate anything but I mean I was pretty worried just because of the bacteria it could have had. I was more concerned of my little one so I did go to my doctor and he was just like nothing is wrong. They did draw some blood just to make sure I had no bacteria. Second Scare... 

At this point I'm just like can anything go any worse. By this time I'm only going to school and im no longer working. THANK GOODNESS!!! (lol) So I had spent majority of my day with my mom. It was the 23rd of May about 5pm when I arrived home.  My husbands aunt was at the house. She was asking me if wanted to have dinner yet. I wasnt really hungry but I was just like yea sure.. While she was fixing my plate, I decided to let my dogs out. As I let my dogs out... Two of my dogs, which happen to be chihuahuas were running full speed towards the damn fence to jump it... which they have done it several of times before. But any who.. I yelled at them not to jump but they didn’t listen. the first dog didn’t successfully jump on the first try... so in my head I was like “HA MOTHER FUCKER” LOL I was like okay I have enough time to get to them before they jump... I happened to be on the phone with my husband so he was cracking up at me yelling at them. As I am walking towards them I feel my legs just going and going. But I had no idea what the hell was going on. Next thing you know I hear my husbands aunt yelling my name, Im on the fucken ground. All I'm thinking is did I land on my belly. My husbands aunt is running towards me and I'm just trying to keep my cool. At that point I was like ok Nancy listen to you body. His aunt helped me up and I'm just confused of what happened. - - I didn’t land on my stomach I only swiped the side of it. So yes I did have some grass marks on my shirt. I was bleeding from my forearm on my left arm. I landed mostly on my left side... Then I'm just mind blown... how was it that while I was falling even though I had no idea I was falling.. How did I manage to swoop my body to the side before I fell on the ground..  My parents live about 25-30 min. away from me, and during that time theres always bad traffic in Dallas.  My husband is yelling for me through the phone, I picked it up and told him what just happened. He told me to call his sister, she literally lives about 3 minutes away from us. 

I went to the ER, they took me right in. The whole time I was just like “I have to remain calm so that the doctors can find whatever they need to find quick” I don't know how I remained calm throughout the whole time I was there. While I was there they were telling me that I was having contractions however I didn't really feel them. I was only a few days from my due date. They did check on the baby and they said that he was just fine. He had nothing happen to him. They kept me there for 6 hours just to make sure I didn’t go into labor. Nothing happened.

Sunday May 27th, we slept in a little that day. Still no sign of my little one coming any time soon. My mother in law invited us over to go have brunch with them. After that we came back home. I jokingly said “I'm going to bounce the baby right out of me” I was heading over to the yoga ball. Eventually I felt a bit of discomfort in my lower back. I didn’t think much of it just because it was dull. I sat on the floor for a bit. My husband was just like he's not going to come any time soon. He will come when he's ready. I was like “ did you hear that baby, he's betting you won't come any time soon”... Once I got tired of sitting on the floor I stood up. I felt a bit of water come down.... at first I thought I had peed a little.. but it didn’t smell like pee. I told my husband I think my water just broke. BUT not completely? and he was like lets just go to the ER to avoid anything from happening. They confirmed that I was in labor. I was in labor for 21hrs.... I was not able to dilate even after they gave me medication so I ended up having a c-section. When I tell you that I fell in love with just hearing him cry, I truly did. Little man came up in front of the curtain and I saw him. He was so long and hairy lol. I saw his big long fingers. I was like of course he was long... he was making me feel all sorts of ways while he was in me. He was 8lbs 2oz.

Finally, I thought to my self. nothing can go wrong. I have my healthy little boy with me and theres nothing that can happen... 

This last week, I noticed that my little man was getting constipated. I was a little worried but didn’t want to think anything negative. eventually he began to vomit everything he drank.. at first I thought it was the formula, so I changed it on Friday. Saturday he was the same. Finally I told my husband that he was just vomiting immediately after eating.  Before he was able to keep down some feedings so I did honestly think that it was the formula. I was originally doing both breast feeding and formula but I had a tooth extracted and I was on meds.. so I couldn't feed him. So I felt bad because I thought all of this was my fault. when we were at the ER they confirmed with us that he had Pyloric Stenosis. 

Pyloric Stenosis is when the muscles at the end of the stomach where the intestines connect had hardened. Causing him not to be able to digest anything he was drinking. The only way to fix that was through surgery. So here is my 4 week old going into surgery. He actually had surgery on Monday. Everything went well and was a fast procedure. 

So you can say I've been pretty busy with life... but I thank God for all the positive outcomes in all of this.

[lunnonbridges]

flustered

today was the first day I actually felt flustered and overwhelmed on the floor since it was my first day back in 7 days, and I wasn’t with Autumn bc she had to be with a research patient which is 1:1. I really like the nurse who took me today though so I hold nothing against her and she took time to try to explain things/have me look stuff up if I had a question which was good. I just wasn’t used to working with her the same way I am with Autumn or Sonya. 

The next step for me is to take more complex care patients so that’s what I decided to do and so I took on 2 patients, one male and one female. The female i had before so i knew how she was like but I never had the male pt before and he was just so acute I felt so overwhelmed and I felt like I didnt even know where to start. 

He was not alert and oriented and only responded to painful stimuli and even then barely so hes unable to swallow hence a tube feed so I had to crush all his pills and flush them through his NGT and I hadn’t touched a NGT since like soph year in college so i was like o god i need a refresher bc i literally didnt remember anything which made me frustrated bc I knew i had learned about this before :( and I know that’s not my fault and my nurse knew that but still i Just felt incompetent and flustered bc I felt inadequate and dumb and not progressing. Besides having to maneuver the NGT he only had 1 open line and he received 5 IV Piggyback meds: keppra, micafungin, acyclovir, lasix and vancomycin all of which are incompatible with each other or not tested together aka don’t run them at the same time so all of them were considered “overdue” bc I couldn’t infuse more than one med at a time and each one took at least 1 hour so I had to wait for each one to finish before starting another plus he had to get platelets on that same line after those 5 meds plus some IV push meds and I had to do labs from that line as well when there wasn’t anything running ALL THROUGH ONE SINGLE LINE like ugh I felt like i was always in that room bc as soon as one thing finished another thing came up or had to be done plus he had to be turned every 2 hours and he was incontinent of loose stool x4 so that was hella cleaning and bc hes not alert or oriented to anything he can’t move himself and he’s not slim at all like at least 150% heavier than me so I struggled holding him while someone cleaned him up. Im not mad at him though of course im just frustrated at myself bc I couldn’t seem to get organized to a point where I was content with it plus i just felt like I didn’t know anything and i felt inadequate and slow and inexperienced ugh i hate running around or feeling lost when I know i should do better even tho this was my first time taking care of such an acute onc patient its just tough and tiring and I feel absolutely drained

my lady wasn’t too bad she got HD in the morning though so that threw me off bc I couldnt give any morning meds and that didn't end until like 1430 and most of her meds are BID so there’s another dose in the evening so i was like 1) half her meds are overdue and 2) its kinda close to her evening meds cuz they aren’t 12 hrs apart like theyre supposed to be so i got kinda flustered at that plus i was just so caught up in my other pt’s room i barely had time to see her besides when I had to. I know giving the pills late isn’t my fault bc HD and its restrictions on what meds can be given prior and I documented that so other’s know why they were given off schedule it just bugs me when there’s stuff overdue and I can’t do anything about it bc im a perfectionist and i hate seeing things like that it just irks me and makes me go crazy

today was exhausting and its only day 1/3 ugh 2 more days to go and then i can have a short break until tuesday. i literally feel so worn out and burnt out though after one day ugh i’ve never felt so overwhelmed before during training so ya ugh hopefully tmr is better bc i know what to expect from my dude now that i’ve had him for one full day. I really need to cut myself slack bc i know I did what I could and I couldn’t speed anything up faster than it already could go but still plus I am still in training so they don’t expect me to know everything but still i just felt so flustered bc i hold myself to high standards and when i don’t reach them on my shift it really disappoints me :( wow these super high level acuity patients are worth like 2 patients in itself so ya if i was on my own and i had 3 other patients with him to make 4 total Idk how nurses do it i think id go insane holy

[crypticquantumentanglement]

After an incredible amount of indecision, questioning, doubt, and fear, I have decided to go back on my bipolar medication. After 12 years, I've finally reached a point where I just couldnt live with myself any longer.

I was always rather stubborn when it came to taking my meds before. I never wanted to. I didnt like how they made me feel. Looking back, however, I don't think it was so much of how they made me feel but what they made me feel. They made me capable of actually being leveled enough to process my problems or various situations. They gave me the potential to allow myself to have peace in my life and I just wasnt ready to be at peace.

I reveled in anguish, negativity, and pain. There is a part of me that is always trying to be like that. Finding a problem when everything is perfect. Creating one if one can't be found. Punishing myself because I tell myself im worth nothing. Pushing people out of my life because i feel like i dont deserve them. Chasing them out and cutting them off if they wouldnt let me push them out. Not doing things I love because what right do I have to be any kind of special. Disinterested in everything because whats the point in having enjoyment when everything is so intolerable. Refusing to eat because I feel sick to my stomach from the anxiety. Unable to sleep well from the nightmares feeding my exhaustion. Bringing myself to the brink of utter emotional and physical destruction.

The flip side to this is worse in a way. Feeling completely unstoppable. On top of the world. Doing and saying things that are completely out of character for me. Being someone that i dont recognize. Spending money I dont have to spend. Overbooking myself with appointments trying to get everything done at once because im so far behind in life already. Pushing myself too hard to do too much. Suddenly being interested in things Ive never cared about before. Feeling "okay" and wanting the company of the people that i had pushed away. Still unable to eat because I've pushed myself too hard and waited too long and i feel sick. Unable to sleep at all, and what little bit I manage is usually only 2-3hrs. Being aware on some level that everything I'm feeling is superficial and wont last because the next round is coming to smack me back into my hole. Fighting against it trying to hold on to the notion that Im being productive and active, therefore i must be okay.

For a long time, I had myself convinced that I was in control. I knew what I was doing and I could handle myself. All that did was enable me to continue cutting myself off from the world and hiding inside my illness. It allowed me to become comfortable in a vicious cycle of emotional distress and poor choices, and at a heavy cost. The biggest highlights being 3 failed suicide attempts with accompanying hospital/psychiatric care stays, a failed marriage, poor parenting to my 2 beautiful children, and telling the love of my life that I couldn't be with him because I was bipolar and I didn't want him to have to go through that with me.

I stayed in horribly abusive relationships. Had the ever loving shit beat out of me. Bones broken, cuts, choked, slammed, drowned, dragged by my hair, locked in a closet, raped, dog killed before my eyes, burned, screamed at, drugged, demeaned, disrespected, disgraced and belittled all at the hands of people I had claimed to love and i stayed anyways. Something I'm having to face now is that isnt love. But it is what i was looking for. Not that I feel at fault for anything that another person chose to do to me, but i got exactly what I was looking for. I was looking for conflict. That part of me that is always looking for something to be upset and distraught over. That was my choice. And i used it to push others out of my life. I used it to fuel my self hatred without directly placing myself in the center of the fire. It gave my negative feelings validation and disallowed me from moving forward.

Staying in these horrible relationship, despite all of the transgressions, allowed for the roller coaster of emotions to be on a continual loop. After every horribe happening, there comes a period of mania. It throws all logical reasoning out the window, and all of a sudden, I'm on top of the world again. Busy, busy, busy. Go, go ,go. Its impossible to process anything in that state of mind. So all the hurt, all the pain, all the trauma just lies in wait. The mania makes it appear tolerable because I cant slow down enough to feel it. And when the mania subsides and makes way for the depressive state, that abuse is what I felt I deserved.

The pitiful state I was letting myself stay in. I dont have words that describe the shame I feel when I think about it. I chose to live like that, and in doing so, I failed to see what i was becoming. I was scared all the time. Skiddish and timid and nervous. Not exactly what one imagines when you think about living life on the edge. Im still that way now and its been 3 years since the last relationship ended. I jump clean out of my skin if someone moves too abruptly in my vicinity. I have flashbacks that make me burst out crying from nowhere. The hyper realistic nightmares wake me up every other hour and make me not want to go back to sleep. But while I was living it, that was what love was to me. Fighting on that level, begging and pleading with the other, crying until my eyes were swollen shut. All for the chance to cuddle in silence until I fell asleep. In my mind, despite the abuse, I was the crazy one, so if they could still want me in the end, then that was love, but it really wasnt.

My children have also fallen victim to my illness. My moods know no bounds when they decide to surface. At times, when I'm manic, I seem like supermom. We do all kinds of things; go all kinds of places. I'm very crafty by nature and being manic gives me the energy to not only do projects with my children, but to actually finish them too. I'll buy them things and spoil them, which is wonderful unless I'm spending when I shouldnt be spending. My children love me like this, and thats a big concern of mine too. They are children, 10 and 5, and have no way of knowing that my overly excited behavior is Mom being ill. They also have no way of knowing that my increasingly aggitated, over tired, angry, disinterested behaviors on the other side of that scale are also a sign of illness. They have been yelled at for senseless stuff, like talking amd laughing. Been made to go to bed early because i was about to pass out from exhaustion myself and i didnt want them up unattended. Had their ever action scrutinized in the most negative fashion. Neglected their homework, neglected their laundry, neglected cooking them hot meals and replaced them with sandwiches or anything my son was able to prepare for himself and his sister so that i didnt have to move. This list could go on forever.

But I have finally had enough. I'm done abusing myself over my mindset. Im done tormenting my children with inconsistent parenting. Im done making myself feel like I'm nothing and pushing everything away. Im done. I'm a singer, I'm an artist, I'm a guitarist, I'm a mother and I'm a friend. I'm a person, not an illness, and I don't want to continue defining myself by it. I will win this. I will take my life back. I will be someone worthy of love and respect. Someone worthy of my children's hearts. I am someone. I am not my illness.