#at this point ill probably just delete my main i like... only post here

[originsofevil]

Intro <3 !

I go by Michelangelo or any variation of that

(usually michael/mikey but names dont mean much to me)

but i recently found out that i'm the host of a system so if any tags are signed off with a different name thats why

dont care too much abt pronouns but i typically use he/him, ve/vir, and xe/xir/xem. mix it up, get creative. typically dont use she/her but ynever know

body is 21, we're an aries if u wanna make any judgement off of that, autistic + adhd if that wasnt obvious

i do post occasional nfsw/suggestive content, never anything too crazy but if youre a minor id prefer if you didnt interact with those posts, i have no way of enforcing this as i dont check my notifs unless theres tags but i am a full adult, i do pay rent and bills and taxes. on that topic i probably wont follow you if youre under like. 16/17ish. no hard feelings i just am an adult and im not around kids very much as the 2nd youngest of 4 so. if youre under 16 dont do drugs stay in school all that good stuff. i love you, go to bed on time. i've been on this website since i was 11 and it shows. dont be me.

dms are always open ! i'm not amazing at holding a conversation unless its abt my current hyperfixation (rn its zelda/lu) but i love to yap. if you follow me and we're not mutuals dm/ask me and ill follow back! I don't rly pay attention to my followers so i typically don't follow ppl unless theyre consistently posting abt one of my interests and i remember to

I talk in the tags a LOT feel free to <- prev or rb addressing my tags but i typically assume no one will read them all the way through. i'm writing whole essays. im oversharing. call op a college admissions office bc I'm telling my whole life story. if my tags make you uncomfortable on your post please let me know and i will apologize/delete them if you wish. i dont have a concept of tmi and tend to misread/miss social cues/the vibes so i apologize if i misstep

please let me know if i reblog any stolen artwork/ai generated anything/ etc

‼️‼️i am not spoiler free for anything (even if i myself havent seen the content) i dont have any sort of tagging system ‼️

list of my active fandoms! old hyperfixations tend to creep up on me so this is not complete

- bungo stray dogs (bsd beast fans pls follow me i adore beast)

- legend of zelda (all games + lu/links meet aus)(legend fans pspspsp)

- the witcher (mainly the show but i got attached to a character thats not even actually in any of the games. aiden i love you.)

- cars (2006, 2011, 2017)(yes entirely unironically)

- Voltron legendary defender. (again. yes. unironically.)

- star wars (mainly the main series and animation since i havent read thr or played the games)

- jujutsu kaisen (2nd years stan)

- the magnus archives (gerry delano fans i love you)

- percy jackson (mainly the books and musical, i dont care for the show much but i adore the actors)

- gravity falls ! (i actually just got into this like, last month. binged the whole series in like a week at age 21.)

- my hero academia (my hs best friend made me watch s1 and i got attached to aizawa hawks and the todorokis sorry)(im convinced the todorokis were based on my family. im literally natsuo. dont ask abt dabi unless u think you're prepared)

- lord of the rings, long awaited addition to this list given i was raised on them (undiagnosed adhd child + 4 our long movies = not a good combination)

Non Fandom Interests

- I write ! once i start uploading ill link my ao3 here but its rough out here (microsoft word)

- I draw ! i mightve posted my art a few times but as i mentioned i dont have any tagging system so maybe I'll make one for art or link another social at some point

- this mostly falls under loz but i love video games :3 i MOSTLY play loz but animal crossing, minecraft, and random silly da games ive collected over the years are my pride and joy. i want to play the witcher games but i have assassins creed black flag and im really bad at it. (i only have nintendo consoles (ds, 3ds, switch) rn but i want a decent pc at some point. the sims calls to me.

- Politics! my politics are very important to me as a leftist so if you're right wing we will not get along. if i find out that youre racist/homophobic/transphobic/a zionist (i am jewish)/sexist/etc i will probably block you. id say no hard feelings but i dint mean that.

I will probably update this as needed/whenever i remember to <3 ty if u read this and i love you have a great day

[kurikive]

PLEASE DONT DEACTIVATE hanni smau is my comfort smau I read it when I am literally clinically depressed it heals my mental illness

SEE THIS IS THE MAIN REASON IM DEBATING DEACTIVATING BC SO MANY PPL LIKE P! and honestly i like it too:(( i would rlly love for p! to just be its own work and not have all the shit i posted to this blog attached to it???? like all tge kuritalks and kuriplies like i wish i could delete all of that and just leave this blog with JUST p! alone as tge only posts..... but ive interacted w so many of u guys WHICH I DO NOT REGRET AT ALL BTW i really do love you guys and all the support u show me and my work!!!!!!! i just wish there was really no human trace of me and/or the process of writing please! if u get what i mean :((

if i do post my last smau im probably just gonna get it done and post it and leave:(

i do enjoy making smaus and oneshots and drabbles but i kind of wish i made this blog be just that instead of a half writing half personal account...... i know a lot of people do like being very interactive and i liked it too!!! but at one point i guess i grew out of it and revamping this whole thing and restarting is not really possible when everything i ever posted is probably gonna still be here... even if i do deactivate the reblogs are still there and i just wish i could get rid of any trace of ME in the work i make you know?? idk if i make sense but i wish i kept i professional from the start WHICH I KNOW SOUNDS STUPID bc im still young and whats professional abt kpop girl group fanfiction 💀 but i just wish i made this a blog for ONLY the kpop gg smaus and not abt myself too i guess :/

sorry for the rant btw this has barely anything to do with it ask jm sk sorry 😞

[wolfepirat3]

And I'm back with more Warriors!

(little update on the fic for all those interested, i have nearly 3k of the first chapter done as of now so im going to guess ill have it posted within the next 2-3 days)

Anyways, this is for @kalenythekalenko who wanted to know some of my headcanons, so here's a few I've come up with since the beginning of infatuation with the movie 🤗 (+ some of my explanations/reasoning for them)

1) For some odd reason, the new bloods really take to Ajax upon joining and they end up following him around. This pisses him off as well as inflates his ego a bit to the point that he's not really sure if he hates or likes it.

I actually have no clue as to where this one came from, he just seems like the kind of guy a bunch of naïve new members would see and be like "hes so fuckin cool i want to be him"

I however do not think he's that cool, boo ajax boo 🍅🍅

2) Swan and Cowboy are really good friends

So i actually have a Swan and Cowboy bffs agenda? When watching the movie i notice how they kind just... End up near each other? Also the part after the fight with the Furies when Swan helps Cowboy up. Then there's afterwards when Cowboy and Snow want to go back for Ajax and Swan doesn't react to it until after Cowboy gives his reasoning (this one might actually be me looking a little too far into it). And then during the fight with the Punks when Cowboy takes out the Punk attacking Swan.

This feeling about their friendship was amplified when I played the game and during the backstory mission and realized that they had left the Destroyers together, stuck together while not associated with a gang, and then Swan would only join the Warriors if Cowboy would be able to as well.

(in a similar vein to this, I think Snow and Swan are also pretty good friends because Swan made Snow his main liutenant in the Jailbreak comic and I feel like some sort of camaraderie would've had to be apparent in order for that decision to be made.)

3) This one might be a little silly, but it did come to me at midnight a few days ago, but basically-- I feel like Cleon's the type of guy to just call people by their full names whenever addressing them.

Okay so I do have some sort of basis for this one. Whenever I read the original script + watched the deleted scenes I saw how Snow was originally Snowball and I just related Cleon addressing Snow in the one deleted scene to him calling everyone by full names. (I do wish they called him Snowball once or twice in the movie though I would've adored that)

4) okay so i dont know if this counts as a headcanon but i did decide to basically give personalities and names and stuff to characters from the Gladiators and Red Hook Shooters (two gangs that definitely exist but literally have nothing about them-- besides where theyre based and some of the Gladiators having canon appearances since they briefly show up in the beginning of the movie), but that's a whole long thing to put in here so just know I'm going to put this information to use in my fic (more shameless self promotion 😔)

Alright, I'm pretty sure those are the only things I can think of right now, of course with time I'll probably remember/think of some more and I'll share those too!

Thank you to everyone whose made it this far expressed so much interest in my stuff!!

You guys are 2 cool and I hope you have a good day, thank you again!

[girlsexbattle2]

The road is a depressing book about why we live life and is poorly executed. if one may deal with thoughts of suicide, may wanna skip this post. oh and canabilism. lots of it

my goal is discussion so have literally the slightest thought cross your mind please tell me about it. i will steal it for my essay (i will credit if asked to)

the books ending is shit. not in the 'oOOO oo emotions' way but bad writing way. the man dies to illness and the boy is on his lonesome for like two days until a deus de machina comes and gives the boy a chance at a new life. and the overall message is like supposed to be life moves on even if you dont(?) or maybe that our lives maybe shit but we have the ability to help it so we must live. ignoring that they really do fuck all to make their lives feel like they are worth living. idk man it feels stupid trying to analyze the plot when the setting is the main focus. like the reason mcarthy wrote the book wasnt to tell a story about characters but to show a desolate post apocalyptic america. i am supposed to question the idea of 'good vs evil' and its dichotomy.

my first thing to say is there are no good guys. not like the boy and the man evil but neutral. grandpa too. just living to survive with no greater purpose. simply walking an uncertain road to oblivion. okay ill mention the on the nose theme of the road is life and youll meet all types of people but they all leave at some point and leave an impact on you in some way. the depiction of the road as cabalistic also an on the nose dog eats dog world.

(great point of idea over execution. dog eats dog world -> man eats man-> man eats man!! fr!! thats a fun little detail but that leaves us with no real reason for canabilism. like i think they mention crows at some point? not the best option but better than newborn.

'oh theres no plants' okay fuckwad why do they have trees? and apples? our duo find a doomsday bunker intact which proves that there is still places unscavenged not saying it would be easy just there are ways to live without eating human flesh. actually htf does the settlement at the end of the book survive? they have to eat something. thats a big detail i dont think carthy would miss that im probably forgetting.

just canabilism aspect doesnt sit right with me. would it be too twitter of me to say this book realizes on a white suburban view of life? cause like native americans didnt live here for fucking centuries as stewards of the land and with mellow cultures for you to say that all society would collapse. like yes the upper middle class up live cushy lives and probably never have killed an animal bc of thier own need of food but others in poverty already live in some [i am white upper class and have no balls to say all] of these conditions. is the road an analogy of poverty? like it would be the end of the higher class but not all of us

actually i really like that point. this is only a horror/sad story for those of us fortunate enough not to live it. we are cooing at the preventable corspe of our fellow man with the smoking gun still in our hands.)

okay idea three(?) would be idea one remixed. the man is the stand in for the older generation or for my purpose the 'current' generation. boy likewise is the to-be inheriters of the current generation title. The man is cautious of people and holds no sympathy for 'others' but he still willing to go into the old world wreckage to scavenge. the boy is opposite, empath but terrified of the world that came before him. good and evil would have to rely on the characters morals. and the focus shifts from the man to the boy when he inherits the current generation title. could be the theme of 'the world is seen through the procived majorities eyes.'

i think i deleted the part that says 'keep living by obligation' which mcarthy fails to make this interesting. like the plot being because dad says so isnt inspiring. okay a realistic life is lived by obligation but thats not a good story motivator. i did what i always do which is watch a video essay about the topic bc im cool like that and he said that the point is to ask the question 'is there a reason for anything?' which yeah interesting question hard to execute in a meaningful or memorable way. or if there is it definitely isnt the road. im a hudge bitch when it comes to stories that make my class have discussions on whether suicide is the answer and seemed to genuinely go to yes. that was the moment i felt most kindled by the duo bc my god mcarthy you better prove them wrong or ill cry. not bc of you unique writing style but because these fucks deserve better. i deserve better.

the man and boy should share more moments being genuine with eachother. no one ever breaks down and like expresses shit to work through it they just crack for a second then go back to surviving cause boys dont cry. like its obvious that the man loves his son. but does he love the person? does he love the boy beyond the title of kin. same thing in the other direction too. cause i really dont think these characters do. and that could be interesting if you explored that but thats not mcarthys goal!! so they are just bland tear fodder. like i think the goal was 'the road is worth walking with loved ones' they lack any attributes so the reader can imprint whatever ideology onto them. Thats lazy. These arent people. Fucking Sun Wukong, representation of the human mind, one of the most varried things in existence, has enough character that the duo would turn to ash in his presence while being a damn fine metaphor (even if it doesn't encompass everyone)

im expected to give them pidy on the idea that they are human and trying to survive in a world hell bent on killing them and just like. yeah man that sucks but me too. and then we both continue living our shitty depressing lives and never do jack shit to help ourselves. well i guess the entire book is to get to a better place. but what happens when they get there that couldnt happen in rock city? what changes because of this. i know i know the winter. i feel unsatisfied. okay so thier goal is to keep living in the world where they reside. not im going to stop this. which is boring i can go talk to any bitch out on the street and get the same life story eachtime. i dont care anymore.

I get thats not the point. that not everything must be a call to action. that this is a fiction book desperate trying to presist thats its real. not like those other books but this is my tumblr blog so im going to say i hate that. i hate the idea that this is it. theres no hope here. go outside and weep if your looking for that. dont require me to read in class a story where nothing is accomplished. where the main take away is our lives will not impact the universe and therefore are meaningless.

okay tldr: the roads all like 'life is meaningless monotonous mess' and i think thats a really boring topic. with out agency your novel is shit. i dont really care about these characters at all bc they arent characters. they are muses for the reader to view how they like. which did not work in this book.

[dex-starr]

So talking about this issue with my therapist and some friends

has not helped for shit lmao. Long story short my relationship fell apart for these reasons: things I did made my ex feel unwanted and unattractive -- even though I was trying to do what she needed me to do in terms of words of affirmation as much as possible. But it was mostly for her appearance and I can only say so much I'm timid sometimes (understatement). The other thing here is I did a very stupid thing too in terms of just what I liked on twitter mindlessly (turns out ADHD scrolling is a fucking huge thing for me) but it was a soft spot for her because she was always sending me posts from subreddits about bad boyfriends and their social media browsing habits especially secretive ones that would try and cheat or like questionable things. Ultimately for that I decided the best thing for us was to apologize and to reassure her the most that I could that she was the one for me -- and completely delete twitter for the health of our relationship since I could just browse reddit since she moved onto there from here and that's how we met. The thing was I did this stupidly and it wasn't clicking in my head because she saw me just reblog whatever and my twitter wasn't hidden from her -- but it was definitely a different time in the shift of the cosplay culture and what not too. Still, that is completely my fault and I take responsibility for it but I know I changed and improved a lot and thought about it because really I care about this girl and I would do anything to make sure she's comfortable. I know why my social media habits are the way they are and it's something I'm working on for everything I pick up doing in terms of distracting my brain just to get dopamine going. It's difficult though and I wasn't diagnosed or even on meds -- I just had a suspicion at this point that hey you're depressed and maybe have adhd. Getting checked is probably a good idea but -- nah I'm scared of the stigma and scared of finding out I'm even worse off. (I am worse off).

The other factor is I was too socially inept in saying what I felt about her as often as it came across my mind. I did that at the start but some things that happened made me not want to run the risk of saying something that goes awry again -- this is something we should've talked more about because it wasn't that I didn't think she was the best thing ever. But I felt like I would be say something stupid and she would hate it for completely fucking illogical reasons. I mean we both flew across the country to see each other at this point. We were planning to move-in together cross country somehow. But my brain would always think the worst because before her I have always received that kind of treatment even if it stemmed from kindness -- it always was faked or changed once people got what they needed. Secondly, the main big thing is I just didn't want to do anything wrong for fear of losing her that I ended up doing things wrong. I should've talked more about how timid I was and that it wasn't because of her -- she was helping me not to be timid when it came to intimacy that was other than physical. Physically I just didn't know my own strength and my body was sick, but that's a different story. Now these are the two major reasons that I see but I know we had a lot of other issues that did come up like my procrastination on moving and doing my graduate school application to move (putting all my eggs in one basket). I couldn't answer why because I wanted to do these things, but I always felt like I couldn't throw the dice. I couldn't explain why because it wasn't how I felt for her, because I wanted to make extra hours in the day to spend with this girl even in silence. Turns out haha mental illness, thanks ADHD and depression. ADHD is way worse than I could've ever expected and I fucking studied Psychology. Literally have a fucking Bachelors in it.

I'm not saying our communication was bad because there were situations where our communication was fucking impeccable. We went through some tough times in four years. Times that we did not expect, I mean shit I almost got seriously injured like 3 times because of freak car accidents and I almost died because of COVID and my genetic illnesses and being immunocompromised without knowing but also asthmatic (I knew this one). The biggest thing she was here for was when my mom was sick with a kidney infection and in the ER for a few weeks since there was no room for her in the ICU yet. There was a risk she would've died if they did not catch what was wrong in time. That rocked me pretty bad, I don't wanna lose my mom. I lost my dad when I was 18 and we weren't as close as me and my mom are. My mom has always had my back even when I've been wrong, sure she scolded me after and taught me right, but she's always protected me. There were two things I wanted to do before moving, one was help her with a court case that kept her from driving and being able to do simple tasks and the other was I just wanted to make sure she was okay health wise before I moved. I had already planted the seeds of "hey I'm moving in with L**** once I got things figured out we've been talking about it a lot and making plans for it". Of course my mom was gonna be overprotective a bit because of this because I mean, I'm moving cross country. Hardly anyone in my family has done that, I'd be one of the first. But secondly, she always relies on me to be there when my family isn't because she's the black sheep out of her brother and even me to her parents. They just find it easier to think the worst of her for some reason. So I wanted to make sure she's okay because she's supported me in all my ups and my many, many downs. It's just the type of person I was raised to be and I thought my ex understood that if I just left without doing this that I would start hating myself and being resentful of things. But also that if she did ask for help and if it was in our budget and did not make things harder for our household that I would help her financially. She's helped me financially for a lot that I'm grateful for.

Now this combined with the sentiment that my ex was feeling makes me feel like both choices weren't a wrong choice. I wanted to be there for her, I fucked up by not communicating another date I would be there since I unfortunately had to miss her birthday because my dog got sick. Me being a social idiot (thanks ADHD) was thinking that she didn't want me to visit anymore because she was so mad at me. She did want to see me, but she gave me the ultimatum of moving there in two weeks instead of a long visit or that was it. I didn't like this, it hurt me because I would be patient but I understood why she was doing this. Distance is the hardest fucking thing a lot of the time, it makes you miserable -- but for her I would always wait I would tell myself. So I thought the same would apply to me. It was around this time I finally got checked for my physical symptoms because hey fucking healthcare and insurance sucks having to wait four months for a physical even though you've described your symptoms and they're pretty fucking bad or go to a packed urgent care facility because this is at the height of the pandemic and well see what happens. Anyway, rant over -- I got checked and I had a thousand and one things wrong with me but basically I was always at risk of inducing a coma because my genetics and habits caught up to me and I was in constant flight or fight because my circulation and eating habits were also pretty lackluster. I wasn't drinking enough water, getting the right vitamins too. It's a miracle I survived. But it does explain the couple of times I hung out with my ex all day in person and we didn't really eat much until later in the day and I would just collapse. That happened once here in California and once after my flight to Michigan, the latter time I thought it was just me being tired from a 5 hour flight super early. Like I know my health sounded like an excuse to her because she just wanted me to choose her or feel like I'm choosing her above everything, and really she (fuck... I was saying this in the present tense....) was above everything for me. She made me happy. The happiest I have ever fucking been, I loved her flaws and I loved all the great things she had. People say there's no such thing as perfect but I thought she was the closest damn thing. Anyway, I fucked up because I couldn't prove this with my actions at the time for various things I have been dealing with in therapy but if I'm asked the question.

If I'm asked the question on whether or not I made the right choice?

I really can't say. I helped my mom, she's getting healthier but still has major health problems. My dog isn't sick anymore he's just epileptic. More importantly I'm not doing as bad physically -- mentally that's debatable but I have my moments that are good. But I'm unfulfilled now -- that's where I start to think I made the wrong choice. I think about if I moved and chose to be with her. Maybe I'd be healthier but I know that within that time frame my mom has had one major surgery for her vision because she could've gone blind and a second one coming up in about a month. She has an extremely bad back and cannot move around that much anymore, the gel in between two spinal columns is completely gone and she might have something worse that I'm taking her to her appointments for. Both of which might require surgery but that's a maybe option since she is a diabetic. I think I would hate myself so much more than I do for not being there for these things. But god I hate myself for letting my ex down too. I don't know what choice I could've done because both of these people matter to me a lot. Obviously for different reasons, but fuck man I can't answer this after a year going on two eventually of being apart.

[77ngiez-archive]

let’s unpack this, shall we?

first off, making a sideblog just for this? that seems kinda iffy, almost like you don’t want your shitty behavior here tainting your reputation and friendships. almost like you’re not actually owning up to it, which is what a real apology would entail.

"male" "they" wow! great job misgendering me, yet again! it’s almost like you never learn from your mistakes! since you have me blocked, and not the other way around, it shouldn’t be too hard to check my blog or en.pronouns or, like, anything to see what pronouns and terms i actually prefer! spoiler alert: "male" and "they" are pretty damn low on the list.

"i tried to make a narrative" "had i bothered doing any research" which one is it? you tried to make a narrative about me, or you were misguided? pick a side, treat, your constant waffling isn’t earning you any sympathy points.

"they were being harassed by the victim" and here you prove that, as per usual, you have no idea what you’re fucking talking about. the proshipper in question was harassing ME, and MY FRIEND. stalking our blogs for any mention of him, refusing to delete screenshots of our posts from his pinned, block-evading… you get the idea! then again, of course you’d consider me the harasser in the situation - after all, your behavior towards me was practically identical to his behavior towards me and my friend!

"and they encouraged this" are you kidding? you realize that octo had a talk with this guy, right? multiple ones in fact. he did not fucking encourage you. he only knew that blog belonged to you after you’d started the whole shebang, and only because he asked you!

"i believed this would earn me brownie points" so, to recap… you attacked a mentally ill minor prone to extreme paranoia and made his life a living hell for months, to seem more *believable* as a proshipper? this is such a flimsy excuse, it’s laughable, and only serves to make you seem more awful - especially since, y’know, it’s a bold-faced fucking lie considering that YOU NEVER TOLD THE PROSHIPPER IN QUESTION ABOUT THIS CAMPAIGN UNTIL YOU’D ALREADY GOTTEN DEEP IN.

"the only thing it did was make me and others more miserable in the long run" ding ding! correct! do you want a prize for stating the fucking obvious? is it news to you that harassing minors isn’t going to make the world sunshine and rainbows?

"then people started defending the victim and attacking my friend" defending me? yes, correct. attacking your friend? bull-fucking-shit. all we did was try to defend me from your cherry-picked accusations, and unfortunately your friend - who i believe still doesn’t know the truth of this incident - got caught in the crossfire.

"i was being very manipulative, and it was way past the point of redemption at that point" finally, an ounce of self-understanding! yes, treat, it was way past the point of redemption at that point - in fact, it was past the point of redemption from the start, since i was (and still am) a fucking high-schooler.

"i really have no idea why i continued" you and me both.

"a certain someone" …is that supposed to be referring to me? because i really have no idea what you’re talking about. if you’ll recall, you have me blocked on every one of your numerous accounts. i couldn’t send you an ask if i tried, and honestly i wouldn’t want to!

"the only thing that keeps me from posting this on my main blog is the fear of people" the fear of people learning about the horrible things you did? the fear of people leaving you due to your actions? what you did was completely your fault, and if you lose a couple of friends (which i’m sure you won’t, considering your brilliance at manipulation!), you probably deserve it. because if you lose a couple of friends, that’s probably because they don’t fucking trust you.

"i understand that this may make me appear more ingenuine" right again! it absolutely does! ingenuine, selfish, and like a liar. you want me off your back, so you’re throwing yourself a pity party and calling it an apology. that’s the exact behavior that, when coming from my mother, traumatized me into developing a complex dissociative disorder! get a grip.

"i don’t expect you to move on even know" well, at least you’re keeping your expectations (in that regard) realistic. "and you’re free to hate me" i don’t need your permission to hate you. they’re my feelings, and i’m going to do what i want with them.

"i know what i did was unforgivable" well, you see, it actually isn’t! if you really felt sorry, or at least did a better job at going through the motions, i might actually be inclined to forgive you. if i could get any assurance that behavior like this wouldn’t happen again from you, i might be inclined to forgive you. but you have lied and lied and lied and now i can’t trust a word out of your fucking mouth.

"i’d rather not have a reminder of my actions" and here it is - the real reason you’re not posting this on your main. you don’t want any chance of getting reminded of your big fat fuckup. sorry, what am i supposed to say to this? "i’m so sowwy, poor widdle baby! look at you, having to confwont the consequences of your actions!"

if you wanted to go no-contact, then why tag octo, and why her sideblog specifically? if you wanted to tie up all loose ends of this awful story, then why keep lying through your rotten teeth?

i don’t get you, treat. i don’t fucking get what i did to deserve your vitriolic attention.

i hope you’re happy now, with your friends that don’t know a thing about your actions.

if anybody’s read this far (which i doubt anybody has, especially not the motherfucker i’m reblogging this from), treat’s main blog is @sparkleonsayori. block them if you feel so inclined. i certainly would, if i was able to.

(also, treat, if i misgendered you i apologize for that. nobody deserves misgendering no matter what they’ve done. i just don’t know what your preferred pronouns are, since you have me blocked and i can’t see your blog.)

Hi, this is my confession. I’m going to get straight to the point. I am currently 21, and I harassed a child, calling them a proshipper. That was back in about late 2022 to early 2023, or about 7 or more months ago, at this point I don’t remember.

I made two fake accounts, and tried to make a narrative where a person I don’t know [The victim, otherwise known as Nana] was an adult woman, and a proshipper who was making friends with children in the SDRA2 fandom. None of those things were true, when in fact, the victim is a child, an anti, and is a male. Had I bothered to do any research before calling them everything I did, I would have realized that very quickly, seeing as they had a card stating their age and gender.

I had an account where I was pretending to be a proshipper myself, which I used to gather information on proshippers at the time (made maybe a few weeks before I even learned about the victim’s existence). I had come in contact with a 20-something (??) year old proshipper that had confided to me that they were being harassed by the victim. I had an idea which I shared with said person to make them look like a proshipper as retaliation, and they had encouraged me through most of the process up until they later blocked me. I had believed that this would give me brownie points with said proshipper and make me seem more believable.

The only thing it did was make me and others miserable in the long run.

Under the second account, I had sent out of context screenshots to one of my friends in an ask. They had no knowledge that it was me, and posted it believing what I had cherry picked. From there I reblogged the post from one of my main writing accounts, and had made it very clear to all of my friends that ‘If they were friends with the victim, I would be blocking them’ or something along those lines. From there I had spoken to a Teruya account user  who was close to the group (I don’t remember if they were following said account or if we were friends or not) and had pushed them into telling other people about my post. I had done that with several other people as well.

Then people started defending the victim and attacking my friend, which made me panic. I began grasping at straws for days trying to prove that I was right on said second account.

In between all of that I had lied and said that the only thing I was guilty of was misinformation. That included both my friends and people who came to get my side of the story.

When I knew that I couldn’t win, I had deleted any and all evidence of the harassment, including the accounts after I had seen that said proshipper (the one I mentioned earlier) had blocked me. From there I simply continued to tell people I was innocent, that it was a misunderstanding, and basically talking my way out of the situation for the most part. I was being very manipulative, and it was way past the point of redemption at that point.

This was the first time that I had done anything like this. I knew probably halfway through that what I was doing was wrong, and I should have stopped and deleted everything, and I really have no idea why I continued.

The last apology that was made was complete garbage. I was running off of pure emotion when writing it, dancing around the subject because I didn’t want to believe that I, an adult, had harmed people much younger than me. Though I DID mean it when I said I was sorry. I was dumb enough to think something like that would just make everything better and that I could just lay low and it would all just blow over after a while.

That was until yesterday afternoon when a certain someone contacted me via my ask box asking to be friends with the condition of apologizing for everything I did first. While that may have been a reminder, that wasn’t my reason for posting this. I’m tired of feeling like everyone is my enemy, I’m tired of the paranoia, I’m just tired of hiding. 

The only thing that keeps me from posting this on my main blog  is the fear of people. I know I fucked up, but I am unwilling to post this on main because I know I will be attacked, ostracized, and isolated from others that I’ve grown close to. I understand that may make me appear more ingenuine, but I know that this will have a chance of being spread around anyways and what I fear will happen even if I wish it doesn’t. 

I’d like to say I’m sorry, Nana. I don’t expect you to move on even now, and you’re free to hate me. I know what I did was unforgivable. I can only hope that you and anyone else who was affected will be able to heal from my malicious outbursts. 

I’ve tried to go zero contact to allow you and everyone else involved the space to breathe, and I would appreciate it if it stays that way. We don’t have to be friends here, and would rather we don’t speak at all. Anyone I feel is trying to bring it up to me will be blocked, I’d rather not have a reminder of my actions.

Treat

@tentas-corner

I don't know who to tag here to get the message through.

Goodbye.

[somenomai]

communicationissexy/idkhow2communicate

[utilitycaster]

To me the relationship between Ted and Opal is the most important and consitent plot point in EXU. On the other hand everything with the Plateau and the Nameless Ones feels like it builds up something for C3. I think that Matt gave plot points about the state of the world (crater, sigil) and Aabria used it as a jumping off point and created the city as her contribution. So as long as things like the memory loss and the crown are dealt with, I feel pretty good about the story of EXU.

So I deleted another ask that was similarly purely speculative and I just want to say that like...I have open DMs/replies and obviously reblogs, and if you want to actually discuss your opinions that is always a better place; the askbox is for questions and suggestions and, well, things that explicitly invite my input, which I'm going to give anyway but it feels like this could have been a reply. Because I wholly disagree with much of this:

The crater is certainly a pre-existing concept because Thordak's presence in Emon happened, but including the sigil seems very odd given that he is a player in the world and it appearing was a surprise plot point in the second episode; I think the general worldbuilding was "Thordak's crater is here and there's weird magic possibly tied to the fire plane should you wish to use that" (emphasis speculative, and mine).

I am probably least interested in Opal and Ted, or at least, I was, but more so now that at least that pulls in whatever the fuck is happening with Syngorn. I think you might be correct that this will be treated as the main plot in terms of resolution; but the reason I think this is that Opal being central came up in the interviews and because of how the last episode ended. If you don't think the plot is the main plot until episode 7 and external press...that's not good.

I like Opal and Ted's relationship! I think it's fun for the character, in the same way I don't necessarily really think we'll get all the details of who Dorian really is - and that is truly tangential to the plot, despite any curiosity we as an audience may have. But compared to the fact that they open the entire story with memory loss at the crater, being approached by someone high-up in the Nameless Ones, a vestige of divergence, and sigil mysteriously appearing? The fact that the details of Ted no longer being in Byroden appear at the halfway point of the series and the Ted and Syngorn plot is primarily in stingers?

Again, at this point, yeah, that might end being the main plot...but just thinking about this, after episode 1 it seemed the main plot would be "okay we're missing a week and a person, we're in deep with the Nameless Ones, and we have a vestige of such profound power that it makes two people ill." After episode 2 it seemed the main plot was "well we can escape those problems and maybe find out more about this sigil that's possibly tied to the crater/memory loss by talking to Gilmore." After episodes 3 and even 4 it seemed it was "okay, we go to these ruins, come back, resolve the rest." But we keep getting balls thrown in the air - further mysteries about Ted, the people from Syngorn, Niirdal-Poc still existing, the journey to the Iron Authority instead of returning home - and none of it has been resolved, and again, I'm enjoying myself, but that is because everything other than the plot is great so I'm treating this like those big-budget artistic sci fi movies where you're like "the aesthetic and worldbuilding and acting and dialogue is all incredible and the plot falls apart if you breathe on it a little too heavily."

I was talking to someone about this recently who made the point that the party seems to have missed a lot of checks early on that might have introduced the Ted and Myr'atta plot back in Emon and honestly? forcing one of those checks or giving it for free would have made a world of difference; I think the party would have made far different choices that in turn would have significantly tightened up the plot. And you don't need to do that, in a long-running campaign, but you really, really do in an 8-episode series.

I do want to speak to people talking about this setting things up for C3 because that was in the anon ask I deleted: I'm not saying it doesn't, necessarily, but I think there is a big difference between "C3 may, understandably, deal with some of the consequences of things that happen in EXU. much as it will deal with consequences of C1 and C2, because it's the same world" and "EXU is explicitly leaving threads for C3".

The former I absolutely agree with; that's how shared worldbuilding works and it was the case with C1 for C2. The latter is, I think, a wildly unfair expectation to place Aabria and a terrible marketing choice for the series and bodes ill for future seasons of EXU.

EXU was very much put forth as having appeal for people who, understandably, don't have the time or inclination to watch a 100+ episode series. I have already seen reviews criticizing it for relying on past information; while I don't agree with this completely, given the difficulties with the plot this does, for example, feel like it may ring true for people who have no emotional connection to Gilmore. A tighter, more Emon-focused plot that happened to include Gilmore to the same extent (or even greater) would probably not have the same criticism, but as is, I think viewers unfamiliar with C1 may legitimately be saying "why did we spend time on this."

EXU can have threads that can be picked up with in C3 - it does not need to, for example, resolve every detail of the Nameless Ones, only the status of this party with regards to Poska - but to say "and to know what happens about the major event, in Emon, which is tied to Thordak, ie, how the series was marketed, which was introduced to the audience long before Myr'atta, you need to watch C3" is something I'd consider a serious misstep. The story in EXU should be somewhat self-contained, with the consequences of that self-contained story fueling the plot; it should not be a collection of plot points for a later day. That's not just going to alienate potential viewers of future seasons who don't intend to watch full CR campaigns; it's kind of a shitty thing to do to your guest DM, to say "oh throw to me, you can DM in my world but you need to set up for my show even if it makes your plot seem more unfocused". EXU can and should be thought of as its own show in the same world, not a mere appendage to the flagship.

I'm still withholding final judgement until it can, you know, be final. I think there's a still a chance I am very pleasantly surprised! As mentioned I and much of the fandom had doubts about the campaign 2 finale to the point that some people were writing, as I referred to it at the time, vivisections and calling them post-mortems. I disliked it then and I disliked it now and I will reserve judgement on EXU's plot structure on the whole until after the finale; I am just saying that while it may end up standing quite well as a complete story in the end, the pacing has felt increasingly off to me since the midway point and if this is just setup for C3 I think that makes it worse, not better.

[missed-connections-of-fear]

on avatarhood post-fearpocalypse

Not sure how to write this one down. When I haven't been actively putting it off, I've been starting and deleting this for the past hour or so. I think a place of honesty is the best way I can carry forward. So, uh, four things:

1. This isn't really much of a lost connection. Sorry.

There are some people I encountered that I do, genuinely, want to see and/or hear from again. There are others that, while I don't want to see again, I am morbidly curious to see where they ended up. The only problem is that, well, in some ways I did lose connection! Internet connection. Voluntarily.

After the apocalypse, I just didn't touch the internet for months. It was annoying as hell, but I absolutely had to. For the first month after I got home, I kept most of my electronics in a box. Stayed as far away from social media as possible, and am still trying to. This is because--

2. My domain was... weird.

As in: my domain was my phone. I think.

No, I wasn't (physically) trapped inside of it, or attached to it in a dependent way. Well, I guess in some ways I was trapped in there, right? When I realized that my phone was... I don't know, malevolent? Influencing me? Influencing others? When I realized that, I tried to break it or throw it away a few times, but it'd remain in tact, or just come back like the world's weirdest boomerang.

But even during the apocalypse, it was just a normal phone (aside from not running out of battery). It was my only degree of normalcy, so I started to make diary vlogs. I thought it was really funny how TikTok was still operational, so I decided to post some there for kicks just to see what other people thought. Hell, I just wanted to know if there were other people still out there.

I didn't want to think about the implications. I still don't. Call me a coward if you'd like: I certainly do.

3. I need to find someone else like me.

The main reason I'm writing this here, now, is that I want to know I wasn't the only one who had a domain like this. I hadn't realized how literal some domains were until everyone else in my life started to talk about it, and for--er, reasons--I wanted to keep my mouth shut just in case whatever I said gave someone the wrong idea.

I really need to hear that I'm not the only one whose domain wasn't a place. I really want to hear that there's someone else out there who--I don't know, wasn't confined to a location but was still afraid. Apparently there were some people who just can't feel afraid and weren't affected, and there was this whole thing about Melanie King "severing a connection" or whatever, but... I was neither of those things.

I've always been a little emotionally detached, but that didn't mean I wasn't fucking terrified, y'know? I could see the Change from my apartment window and I thought my family's mental illnesses were finally catching up to me. There are so many things I thoughtlessly recorded that I ended up deleting once everything stopped. I don't even know why I thought it'd be a good idea to keep those, even if it was just to reaffirm to myself that it was, in fact, happening.

Recently I bought a new phone. The dread remains all the same whenever I look it.

4. I think I was an Avatar.

I tried to delay the inevitable as long as I could, but that was probably, deeply, unfair. And this is starting to get away from me very fast, so I think I need to get to the point, like, now.

I don't want to get too deeply into it--"it" being all the warning signs and personal trauma and whatever the fuck entails "becoming an Avatar." I might have even been an Avatar even before the Change; I genuinely don't know, but it doesn't matter much to me anymore.

(My personal opinion is that, in the apocalypse--and if evidence suggests, before it--there was a spectrum with two ends when it came to the entities: the fearful and the feared. One ate, one was eaten, and your point on that spectrum could be shifted at any time. Any time.)

That aside, I genuinely don't know what entity I "served" or whatever. It was part coping and part survival the entire way through for me. Beholding seems like the obvious choice, since I was recording and talking to people, but... I embodied a lot of other things too. I think if I explain it, it'll make more sense:

Sometime into making my vlogs, I started running into other people. They'd always be a little bewildered to see me, but whatever torture they were enduring or inflicting would just... come to a halt. In the beginning, I didn't even realize that the people were going through hell: I was just so relieved to see someone that I'd call out to them, ask them how they were doing, sit with them and just relish the company of a human being for awhile. I didn't even realize the camera was recording some of the time.

And those first few times, I'd practically beg the person (or people) to come with me. They always accepted, even though I was simultaneously super clingy and closed-off. They always put up with me and my stupid phone. But they were never able to stick around.

By the time I stopped remembering faces, I stopped asking.

I had resolved to find somebody important to me in the very beginning, so I was always travelling. But I never stopped trying to talk to anyone I found. I'd always say some shit like, "Care to introduce yourself to the viewers?" and, "So tell us what traumas are going into your cringe compilation," and other influencer lingo just to lighten the mood, but some things--referring to the "viewers" and speaking about myself in the plural--became reflex.

And our conversations always came with the expectation of speaking of some sort of trauma. A tiny part of me always looked forward to it: I always tried to remind myself that people wanted to talk about themselves, their problems, and to be able to talk; that I was just one of many people in a bad situation and that I shouldn't prioritize my own suffering.

But I think... well, if I describe it, there's no damn way I won't be called a sociopath by someone. So just assume that I uncomplicatedly enjoyed their pain and pat yourself on the back for being able to believe you're still morally upright after all this time.

Sorry. It's just... I've been thinking about how people might respond a lot. I've curated a lot of this just to make sure no one tries to witch-hunt me while still trying to keep my story believable.

I think that's a sign to stop digging my own grave.

Apologies for how long it got in the end there, haha. I'm trying to... not really put this all behind me, I don't think any of us can. I've accepted what had become of me--or, well, I'm in the process of it--thus why I'm back on the internet in the first place.

I haven't gotten rid of the old phone yet, because... I've been thinking about uploading some of the videos I've recorded. From the Fearpocalypse. I desperately want to delete all of it, to keep it out of reach (my reach, particularly), but I... I think it needs to be archived somewhere. Anywhere.

You’re not an advice column, but since I’ve already gotten this far… well, I shouldn’t ask more than that. If I upload those videos, and you recognize me or yourself, feel free to reach out. I live in East Texas, but I somehow stumbled across some domains in Britain, Egypt, Japan, the Philippines, etc… (I didn’t learn about the Entities until the late leg of the apocalypse, so I was just trying to find domains that seemed to connect to the fears of the person I was looking for. Lots of Lonely, Slaughter, and End domains.)

(ROSE’S NOTES: damn another long post, I don’t know what to say. I uh. I hope you can find comfort in the internet again. I personally don’t know what i’d do if I had that domain. The internet is a safe place for me and has been for nearly a decade. Damn. Rose getting into stuff she should talk to a therapist about huh? Anyways. I guess to make a post that’s already long longer, I hope this post has made you feel better. I hope you find someone to talk with who understands what you went through. Take care my friend)

[yomiurinikei]

Wait I know it's been awhile and you don't have to answer if it's triggering for you but what was going on with the user who promoted howfatediverges? The one who created nsfw content and follows the content creator who makes these kind of joke??

!!! holded off on answering this for a bit (cause it was the holidays and i was busy) but!

under the cut, trigger warnings forrrr r4p3, s4nn1ur1, h4j1sai,,,, better safe than sorry, so. pr0-shipping/shipping adults with minors, nsfvv content of minors

tl;dr the mod of a stud3nt 0ut of tim3 has done a lot of little things that are concerning, and when it came to Big Issues, really didn't respond in a way that made me think "oh, yeah, this is a person whos content is safe and okay, and who meets some... common moral standards" so...

a stud3nt 0ut of tim3, a pretty popular ask blog which included some members of the sdra cast, posted about howfatediverges, telling people to go check out their account? in a recommending it sorta way, i don't remember the exact wording, but it was... pretty clearly not in a "hey this persons posting gross stuff pls report them" way

i used to be muts with him (iirc/checking the blog quickly, mod uses he/him)? i think? but i unfollowed after repeatedly having. issues with his content. this isn't any sort of comment about the plot or his writing, or anything, but rather. i was uncomfortable with mods portrayals of mental illness, shipping characters who had returned from the future with... high schoolers, and then they made content with said high schoolers (who aren't like. even seniors or anything) discussing their k1nks

mod deleted the posts about that last thing, saying that in retrospect, he wasn't okay with posting that sort of content about the cast, and! cool! we love to see it! but i think at that point i just..... too many little things i'm not really getting into had stacked up? and so i stopped really interacting, id just go reread and catch up some every now and then to make sure there was nothing Bad that was setting off huge red flags

and. lo and behold, something Bad happened that set off huge red flags. i'm gonna be... vague about my wording because i'm not here to talk about this, and don't wanna start drama but. there's a fangan of sorts that mod promotes on his blog, using the sprites made by the fangans creator, and telling his followers to check out the fangan. uh. it's a Well Known fangan within sdra circles, and it's a fankidronpa, with h4j1sai, s4nn1ur1... that kinda vibe! iykyk. now usually i would just kinda. keep my distance, like i've been doing but uh

the creator has made r4p3 jokes, including publically saying/joking with friends that a character would r4p3 another character (creator ships those two) which... isn't really cool! especially when the person who's doing that ships multiple "dubious consent" ships (ships where one character really... isn't in the state to properly give consent to the other) which,, i only know this because i like. i take screenshots, i watch out for people who seem influential and,, questionable, morally, so! i figured mod probably didn't know, and sent an ask

and another ask. and another. sent... multiple asks, multiple times (not just. all one right after another)

none of them ever got answered, and mod is still actively using content from that fangan. the fact he seemingly... doesn't care? doesn't sit well with me, especially when he has to jump through 20 loopholes to make his main ship okay, and has overall just kinda been. questionable in his handling of abuse, ptsd, mental illness,, ultimately, when an account like howfatediverges is being supported by an account like asoot, i kinda view it as a strike against both of them, so! yeah, that's the issue with asoot, and why i thought it relevant that mod was promoting howfatediverges

[theunconcernedembalmer]

Toko! I was thinking of creating an ask the character blog for IDV or Genshin Impact and wanted a few tips on how to start off. Anything you can share?

ey yo my dude!! thank you so much for this question, now im lowkey tempted (again) to make a genshin ask blog sjadhlkshgkahshglsaj anyway my 1.5 cents is under the cut, yall know how much i talk here HAHAHAHAH

uhhhhhh so i guess we start with picking a character u really Vibe with tm? I KNOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE COMMON SENSE BUT LIKE ive been considering making a genshin ask blog for a while now but i never really got to it cos i couldnt really decide on a character (plus the fact that their outfits are. so intricate. is also a hmm since i try to follow details to a t) (at first i wanted to do zhongli, but i feel like to be able to muse him well u need to know the lore super super well, which i dont n im too lazy to research on that aha. n u know how much i respect characterizations, especially for such a complex character like him. i also considered xiangling for a period of time mostly for guoba but also like i have 2+1 blogs here n having one more might not be a very good idea aha) (as for aesop he was my Hyperfixation Character tm also cos i looked at his kit n went Yep i could work with this. probably)

so assuming ur not a dumbass like me n u kinda know who u wanna pick, id actually say to snoop around here for other ask blogs n kinda get a feel of the... scene? is that the word? or like u know, other blogs that u can potentially vibe with. ive run a couple of ask blogs before this current one (both that have died for different reasons) n from my experience interacting with other blogs (if theyre okay with it, i think most should be) is pretty fun. it also kinda helps get ur blog around to other ppl on other blogs so they can go Oh whats this cool shit n check u out, n its also a reason why we kinda reblog promo posts for other blogs (also cos we’re always excited when someone new comes on, its really the more the merrier. we see all :eyes:). interacting with other blogs is also an option when ur inbox is looking real roomy too

another reason why i havent exactly done a genshin blog is that idk i cant actually seem to find genshin ask blogs around (i have seen rp blogs, or those that answer asks with mostly text instead of art, but thats. not my thing since i hate my own writing aha) (i did find one aether blog some time ago, but for some reason i hardly see them around anymore??? idk man i might be wrong). its not like im trying super hard to find them ask blogs, so im sure they exist out there (hopefully?? im not sure but im being optimistic). i mean theres nothing wrong with just starting an ask blog without others around, but for me i do find a difference when i interact with other ask blogs n when i dont, n i prefer when theres others to have fun with (unfortunately i couldnt find any ask blogs to interact with in my previous fandom. i tried, but the blogs i approached seemed to go inactive shortly afterwards...) plus u get to meet friends that way too :D (i made a lot of friends via idv askblogs n its really been a joy vibing with others)

as for the idv scene. gestures around me. unfortunately there are a lot of ask blogs that arent that active anymore, but theres still some of us who are alive n kicking empty inboxes, n im sure everyone would love to see a new face around. winks at u. also there seems to be a lot more blogs popping up lately, which is really heartening to see.

then u kinda just. make ur blog? n a starting introduction post so ppl can reblog it n spread the word XD n yay u have a blog i guess??? XD

i gotta say tho. dont expect ur blog to take off immediately (especially for smaller fandoms like idv, tvbh i didnt think my blog would even get half this far when i started cos of how non existent idv tumblr seemed to be) n ur inbox will probably be looking pretty empty a lot of the time (or at least filled with some that u havent quite thought of how to reply to yet aha) (but also like empty inboxes happen pretty often, im sure most of us here have experienced this problem)

in the case of the first ask blog i ever started, it never really took off at all. ngl it was kind of demoralizing n depressing but to be fair i had picked one of the more obscure characters in the series, so obscure that many ppl in the fandom would have never heard of this character before. if u wanted to know, i took a character that only appeared in the 2nd musical of the series, who also made a very brief cameo in the manga to acknowledge his existence within that universe. thats how obscure my character was, but i went with him purely because he was my favourite character. i will say though i did enjoy it while it lasted n i learnt a lot from the experience, n i think thats whats important really.

i guess this kinda leads on (not really but let me digress) to the whole uhhhh thing where if u choose a more popular character, u get more attention. which is fine i guess? if u really vibe with the character, i mean theyre popular for a reason. n choosing a more popular fandom (like genshin) would objectively also get u more viewers n numbers. but like honestly i believe that ask blogs are meant for u to have fun with, n like trying to get popular gets tiring pretty fast (this shouldnt be like a main goal, but u know sometimes u subconsciously also want that gucci follower count n bomb ass notes or something. i used to be guilty of this until i realized it isnt worth it) especially if ur not enjoying yourself in the process. (case in point: my previous fandom was considerably larger n my blog got about 700 followers within a year or so, but it got very tiring n stressful to maintain after my interest in it died, n no one was really interacting with the blog even though i tried which kinda made it even more depressing despite the so called success n popularity of the blog)

anyway on a less serious note, theres a lot of fun stuff u can do with the ask blog, like some ask blogs have really fancy tags that i really like n try to do but also like not really HAHAHAHA. i kinda just channel what i want to see in an ask blog into my own ask blogs (good art is one, i try very hard for it to be good :,DD another is characterization, n others is just extra miscellaneous arts n stuffs like au ideas or memes. these are also somethings u could work on during ask box downtimes perhaps)

uhhh another side thing is like a posting schedule i guess? like ppl would be more likely to interact (i think) if ur blog is relatively active, n this is usually determined by the last post u made (i think XD). but like generally for blog maintenence id say try to kinda find a frequency that ur comfortable with?? cos i know my once a day posting is kinda insane if i wasnt so hyperfixated on all of this n fight the urge to dump all ur replies when u finish them XD (though ive seen some blogs do that n they do it pretty frequently so its pretty nice to know once u see their post u can spend some time going through the latest batch of posts XD) the queue function is pretty useful here even though i truthfully have never really used it, i kinda just post from my drafts really but it also helps to space out ur content to seem somewhat active especially when u dont have the time to be working on replies sometimes. i hope u know what im trying to say here aha

ANYWAY that was like my 1.5 cents cos i dont even think its worth 2 cents HAHAHAHAH these are just my thoughts from running all my blogs up till now, some that are still running n the others that have just died a natural death. i wouldnt actually delete them (theyre still around actually XD) cos theyre kinda like archives n i can look back at what i did last time. cos ngl i made some high quality stuff back then, n i dont even know how i managed to do that aldhflhdsgk. also ppl do look at archive blogs every now n then for the content thats there yknow

BUT YES anyway if u do decide to join the idv ask blogs hmu, ill be sure to give u a lil shoutout here. winks

[lighdramons]

Hi I'm back. I promised awhile ago I’d tell the story of the fucked up digi.mon cult, so I figured that’s a great start for getting back onto this hellsite.

If the read more works, everything will be below the cut and it is a mess. Just a few things before the cut though:

General TW as I will be bringing up some of the bad experiences I had as well as talking about mental illness.

I will not be using names of sites, usernames, etc. I will not answer on specific users either. I’m sure these sites are still operating somewhere privately and back in the day, some of these people were big in the Digi.mon community outside of the sites as well.

If any of the people involved see this, no ill wishes towards you guys, just my take on things.

I quit these sites back in early 2015. I do not know what happened after I quit. I am only still in contact with a few individuals who either quit around the same time as me or long before.

As a general courtesy, some of these sites still exist. Please do not go harass them. A lot of the public sites are just teens trying to figure out themselves.

If you have questions or comments after reading this whole thing, I’m happy to answer any either publicly or privately. And yes, you can reblog this post.

We need to jump back to 2007 to begin with. I was a middle schooler getting back into Digi.mon because I walked into Gamestop and Digi.mon was sitting in the new releases. And I had access to the internet. I did binge S1-5 with subs and watching reruns of the dub on Toon Disney. I spent some time on the big fansite. Great site, just bad experience at the time because I was a teen and probably lied about my age. I didn’t feel like that was the community for me. I do check it every day now for news, just never made a new account cause I don’t even remember what I used back in the day.

By end of 2008/beginning of 2009 I began looking for other sites, stumbled across the digiclipse stuff on the bad encyclopedia site, looked into it, thought it was neat, moved on. Stuck with the big site for now because the only other sites I found were RP sites and not my thing at the time. Got hit hard with depression at the start of 10th grade (late 2010) and found my way back onto the digiclipse stuff. Didn’t really believe most of it, but thought the idea of creating AI Digi.mon was neat. Joined the smaller of the two sites because it felt friendlier and most users seemed my age.

For people who do not know, digiclipse is the act of going outside and holding the toys up hoping to get teleported. Most people by the time I joined thought the people who did this were crazy. Some people liked to do it for the lolz though.

Anyways, most of what happened on the sites was just talking and hanging out in chat rooms about life and other things. It was pretty chill. I can’t speak for everyone on the sites, but for me it was an escapism kind of thing. I was depressed and hated life so pretending that a magical adventure was a possibility gave me some hope. But honestly, got a group of people who were cool to talk with for the most part. There was one older female in her mid 20s that would come in the chat drunk and sexually harass the other female users and tell all the male they should die and are worthless. Nothing was ever done about her. And honestly it was weird having her there when most of the other people on the site were under 18. That was initially my only bad experience on the sites.

At some point during 2011, there were three individuals who claimed to see and speak with their digi.mon partners. And that they could read your aura and tell you exactly your digi.mon partner. And everyone believed this shit, mostly because two of them were prominent members and how could they lie. The process was simple, you would DM them either a creative piece you’ve done (art, writing, etc) or send a photo of yourself and they’d come back in a few days and tell you who your partner was. There was only ever one individual this method of tracking did not work on and that is yours truly. Oh and at the time it hit hard because I had started falling down the rabbit hole. This is the beginning of the cult-ish stuff.

Then the Ouija board happened. I have no issues with what happened during the fucking around with said Ouija board, I have issues with everything that spiraled out of control after. They fucked around with it confirming people’s partners that the others had “found”. And eventually they asked about mine. And then it was basically said, “oh we can’t tell you the results”. I was eventually added to this secret site of “The Chosen”. And basically told, “oh your partner is the offspring/creation of THE BIG BAD” and there were all sorts of debates on what to do about it. I literally thought I was getting punked at first and these people are clearly taking this whole thing too far. No, these people all believed this. Oh and the best part, most of the people involved in this “chosen” group were in their mid 20s. Me being a depressed as fuck 16yo that just wanted something exciting in life ended up eating all this up. I felt special and chosen. I look back on it now and I’m like what a fucking idiot.

We were all taught from the three who could do the stuff I explained earlier how we can also learn to bond and communicate and see our partner. I had absolutely no progress. Eventually this stuff led to everyone in this “chosen” group getting a “special guardian spirit”. Again, I made no progress on this. And to the point where they made me feel special again, I was the only person who had the wrong “guardian spirit” and they eventually found my “real one”, more on this later.

These discussions moved from a forum site to a private skype chat room, and then further smaller private chat rooms. The movement to skype is where I started having some bad experiences. I gave a few of my “close” friends on the site my phone number, soon everyone had my number. And this happened to multiple people over the years. My own stupidity at the time.

This stuff continued as I finished high school. At the time, I still managed to maintain my social life with school friends, keep up my grades, etc. Got into college with a good scholarship in my dream field. And then I started to go downhill once I got to school. The longer this stuff went on, the more you were expected to be involved. Including being on skype calls all night. It slowly began consuming my life. I ended up not only with depression, but ending up with an ED that was tied to anxiety so I’d go days without eating. I was seeing things and hearing voices, which was highly encouraged because it meant things were working. I literally could not tell the difference of when I was asleep or awake. I honestly do not remember the majority of my freshman year of college. I had no real friends and was just barely scraping by grade-wise. And well, the academic year almost ended with me hanging from a pipe in my dorm.

I ended up running the site I started on as an admin after the original admin team left. And it was expected you do not mention any of the “secret” stuff on the main site. Over the years I know it became clear to the users not included that there were secrets in the background. And those who knew stuff would actively fuck with these users. And if I haven’t made it clear yet, there was a hierarchy to this whole secret group. And it was the original three who were mentioned at the beginning that were on top. And what they said was gospel. Whatever they claimed is what happened and whatever rules they had were the rules. But of course certain people could break the rules and get away with it.

This next part happened at some point during my freshman year and will be relevant again later on. This is the biggest TW section so skip if you have to. I had a user dox me. He had my home address and threatened to post it. He had sent it privately to a few other users as well that alerted me of this. His reasoning? I would not date him or say I loved him. He told me that he would come to my house, murder me, r*pe my dead body, because he is the only one who gets to have me. Another user got involved and called the cops. I do not know if anything ever came of this because I never spoke to anyone about it. I at the time had admin privileges on one of the sites so I banned him and blocked his IP and I blocked him on anything I could. And I continued doing this over the years. I was told I was a bad person for doing this because I did not understand him. This lead to a lot of the things in the above paragraph getting worse.

As this all continued, there were battles and casualties and everyone ended up with like 20 partners. And if you haven’t noticed I’ve stopped using the term digi.mon entirely in the past few paragraphs. That’s because oh they weren’t digi.mon. They were spirits/dimensional beings that took on a form we were comfortable with and we formed a bond with. And I kept going along with all of this because I was in too deep at this point. And obviously yes, this all made sense. So at some point during this time, my “spirit” went to sleep and a new one “awakened”. And I of course still went along with all this. The BIG BAD kept mutating into stronger forms and blah blah blah.

During my fall semester sophomore year, I joined theatre at my college and did tech. Honestly, one of the reasons I was able to begin breaking away from this. I started to get an actual friend group and have less time for these sites. But there was always a pull of “you have to be here”. You were expected to be on skype calls and/or active in chat.

Well, that all changed at the start of 2015. They wanted a deletion of all the other sites and they would have one site united under one belief system. I was not a huge fan of this and made this known, but also offered to help in the coding as that was a skill I had that no one else really had. It got out around that I was a cunt and a power hungry bitch and blah blah blah. If it was just that, I would probably not have left. No no no, I was accused of lying about the shit that that user said and did to me. Because he is such a nice guy that could never do that type of stuff. And unless I provided the receipts I was clearly an attention seeking liar that wanted to ruin his life. That was the straw. I fucking blacked out in a rage and attempted to delete some of the different websites, I blasted some of these people on their real facebooks, and then I deleted all of my accounts and blocked everyone and blocked their numbers.

After that, I started talking with other people that quit. I started enjoying my college life. And I tried to act like none of that stuff had happened. I distanced myself from those individuals that were active in the Digi.mon community. I stopped hearing the voices and seeing things. I started going to therapy. My road hasn’t been perfect, but I’ve come a long way since I got out of this stuff. Honestly going to meet up with one old member after covid is all clear cause we’ve known each other for over a decade now and its about time we finally meet in person.

So yeah, that’s my story. I know I jumped around a bit and thoughts might not be too clear, but I wanted to share the fucked up things that happen in the background of the digi.mon community. Did I have good times? Hell yeah. The Olive Garden incident still to this day is iconic. We played d&d oneshots sometimes. We had memes. We all watched xros and hunters together live. And I still have some good friends out of this. The most fascinating thing out of all of this is everyone from the community that I still am either in contact with or see them via social media had admitted over the years to suffer from some kind of mental illness and has come out as part of the LGBTQA+ community. My own conclusion is a lot of us got sucked in due to depression/escapism and just a feeling of not belonging. And being around people of similar age with similar interests just made things more bearable at times. It also made a lot of us very vulnerable to the manipulation that took place, whether it was intentional or just one big group delusion created by multiple mentally ill people. I call it a cult, but I'm sure people will disagree with me. Whatever you want to call it, it wasn't good for my mental health in the long run.

If this shit is still going on, I hope people aren’t letting it consume their lives. And I just wish the best for everyone even if some of the shit hurt me.

As I said up top, if you want me to elaborate on anything or have questions, I’m good with talking about stuff. If you know me IRL and are reading this and are like "RACHEL WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK" I owe you a drink and explanation. And of course it Is okay to reblog. This is one hell of a comeback post on this site, am I right?

[jaredpostz]

hey hey hey i made a mpdsap iceberg a little while back and i thought it would be fun to yell into the void about it, because why not. i havent explained the lore to my followers yet and ill probably reblog this to my main tbh

[little disclaimer that a lot of these are based off of made up lore and ocs on my main account. if youre strictly canon only then i wouldnt recommend this for you. if you’re interested but have no knowledge about said lore, i will give basic explanations]

LAYER 1

Joey Perleoni: joey perleoni is well known as the poster of the anti-piracy videos, who, recently, has involved himself more in the videos. joey in my lore is depicted as mostly emotionless or “empty” with no remorse for his actions.

Mario Party DS Anti-Piracy OST: on the channel, there is pretty convincing fake music for the series, there’s not much else to say about it other than it’s SUPER bangin’

Joey was arrested: in a video titled ‘the police are at my house’, joey is taken in by the police. he is presumably in prison

Luigi is the victim: in all of the videos posted, luigi is the main character, and is often considered the victim of the horrible events happening.

Hex code translations: in the videos, there are several hex codes, which can be translated to several different things. the ones we’ve found are hellsatan, luigimod, thx4luv, watchdemon.jit etc.

Reggie Fils-Amie video: on joey’s channel, his first upload has nothing to do with mpdsap, but rather it’s a video filming a joke reggie made about mother 3. it’s unknown if this is connected or not.

LAYER 2

Joey interview: a user by the name of simonejoys interviewed joey perleoni, he said some pretty interesting things actually, here’s the link if anyone’s interested: https://youtu.be/v6AkkxS9LK4

Luxury station and Quiznos: luxury station is joey’s second account, revolving a few strange videos about a place named quiznos. it’s unknown if this is connected or not

Hudson (the man): in my lore, there is a character named hudson, who inherited the company. he’s considered the person who made the anti-piracy screens, or at least encouraged it strongly. this character is based off of some text in host hoedown, which translates to “hudson - this is not necessary. it will extend the launch considerably.” (also i know hudson is the name of the company but the time i found out it was too late)

“Joey no longer runs the account” theory: there was a theory going around after joey’s arrest that someone else is running the account, since there should be no way he should keep posting. this is probably deconfirmed by now

Joey doesn’t feel much emotion: as stated before, my depiction of joey is that of “mostly emotionless or completely empty”. there is no reason for this currently (it’s kind of a case study at this point tbfh)

DJ Hallyboo is based on MC Ballyhoo: in mario party 8 for the wii, there is a character that bears extreme resemblance to DJ Hallyboo, named MC Ballyhoo. they have the same voice clips used, similar names, and somewhat similar designs. MC Ballyhoo is the host of mario party 8. it is general considered that DJ Hallyboo is a beta version of MC Ballyhoo by fans.

LAYER 3

Electric chair: in the video simply titled “mario party ds anti piracy |”, where joey sits on a chair and boots up mario party ds, a few comments were floating around joking about him getting the electric chair. this hasn’t been confirmed

Hudson and Joey used to be friends: this is mostly outdated now, but there was a joke timeline where hudson and joey were friends in the past. not gonna cover it any further than that because it’s an old concept now

MC Ballyhoo and DJ Hallyboo are the same person: in my lore, the general consensus is that MC Ballyhoo and DJ Hallyboo are the same person, with split personalities. he is also either sentient or extremely aware.

Joey is god: in my lore, there is a mostly bizzare idea that joey is divine and has always been divine. he became “a god” by doing criminal acts, or sacrificing luigi. i can’t tell you if this is canon to my lore or not yet though - it started as a meme, but i really do like the idea somehow.

“Waiter, your finger’s in the soup!”: a mysterious quote with no real meaning that was quoted by joey a couple of times. it is connected to a short comic. nobody has found out what it means yet or why it’s being posted about.

LAYER 4

“Joey does drugs” joke: (TW // DRUG ABUSE)

this joke spawned from something i learned in school. apparently people who abuse illegal drugs gradually start feeling less dopamine doing normal activities over time, due to drug overstimulation. this was jokingly connected to joey’s chronic emptiness and inability to feel anything, with the joke that he does meth or some other illegal drug. it’s also noted that drug abusers are likely to commit other crimes. this is of course, not serious at all.

Joey stole MPDS from mcdonalds: this is a personal theory of mine. mcdonalds and MPDS have absolutely no connection - so why are they attempted to be connected at all? in the video, it describes a demo being sold in happy meals at mcdonalds - it’s a possibility that joey stole the demo from mcdonalds, and doesn’t actually have the full game.

Joey wearing the same clothes as the character: i have drawn joey with a yellow sweater (with orange sleeves) and grey shorts for a while now. in the mcdonalds video, he was wearing nearly the same outfit (with the exception of the shorts being pants). he also has brown hair, which i predicted, but it’s much darker. this is probably a coincidence but it’s pretty freaky honestly.

Techwalker: this will probably be the longest segment in the iceberg and the most lore heavy. techwalker was joey’s old channel. he made extremely different content - mainly of which was just bothering random people on the street and at conventions. he has described himself as a “journalist”, but this is all basically fun and games. these videos are now unlisted and i will not be linking them nor telling you where to find them for privacy reasons. i don’t want to get in trouble. if i find any of yall spreading it around im taking down the post and will probably not talk about this again, you dont want that, i dont want that, nobody wants that really.

in the lore, techwalker is not joey. they are 2 seperate people - but they live in the same body. what this means is that either one can take control at a time - joey is completely numb to everything around him, but tech is a pretty happy go lucky and social person. they have different personalities, morals, names and lead different lives. tech even wears glasses (assuming he has some kind of impaired eyesight), and joey does not.

(this has been confused with dissociative identity disorder. while i don’t mind people interpreting my content in whatever way they’d like, considering this is just fan-lore, this was not the intent. i do not have DID and i don’t want to speak for anyone who has DID.)

the general consensus is that tech is dead, or at least completely drowned out, and joey has taken complete control. joey and tech were practically mortal enemies and polar opposites of each other. (joey constantly being annoyed or uninterested in tech’s hyperactivity, and tech not trusting joey to be responsible or ‘law abiding’)

anyways

whew

i typed a lot of stuff.

thats all i have to say about this, if this gains any major traction (and i doubt it will) or causes problems, i will probably delete the post entirely. so be good lol

alright im gonna go ive been writing for 45 minutes or so

im out

[ankhisms]

the always wonderful shelley @shanheling tagged me to do this thank u so much!! i think that everyone i wanted to tag has already been tagged to do this but if you feel like doing this feel free to consider urself tagged by me!! im putting this under a readmore bc its long and i ramble a lot

the piece i was tagged to explain my process on is this oc piece! unfortunately i have a habit of deleting my original clip studio file once ive finished my art and saved it as a new png file, so i dont have the file to show the sketch and different stages of this piece. but I still can go through my general process and talk about how i did that piece!

1. planning

honestly i think about the art that i want to do a lot, and in this last year or so ive thought about the art i want to do more than ive been able to actually create and finish that art that i want to do. for my planning i tend to do a lot of different thumbnail sketches for the art im thinking of

these are some examples of thumbnails, a lot of times ill do thumbnails just on pencil and paper and with some of these theyre done quickly with my fingers on my phone note function on a day where i was feeling too bad to get up and draw on paper but still wanted to get the thumbnail ideas down. two of these are for the same songxiao piece that i still havent finished and i have more thumbnails digitally on clip studio for the same piece, i do a lot more thumbnails when a piece isnt working the way i want it to and theres times where ill completely scratch a thumbnail or a sketch and start over in order to do more thumbnails because i dont feel happy with some aspect of it.

two of these are small gouche painting thumbnails for two pieces i did maybe a month or so ago, i did the thumbnails and then tried to expand on them digitally and im wanting to do more thumbnail paintings like this in the future because it was fun

for the piece of my oc trio it was based off a series of ask prompts i got for a few different outfit prompt memes i had reblogged, so i based their outfits on the ones in the meme. when im drawing figures i tend to try and get the movement down in the poses when im sketching, i do several rough sketches of the pose before beginning to start setting down lines (if im doing lineart at all because sometimes i dont like doing lineart and do a more lineless painting kind of style). i really try to get my art to convey some kind of emotion, in the oc piece i wanted it to feel fun and like youre seeing three best friends while theyre out on the town having a fun night

2. creating

this is the only real example i have of a piece in the middle of being filled in and created, this piece is one that im really not very happy with & have had lying around for a while and ill probably scrap it and try to come at it from a different perspective at some point. but anyway it still shows what i do, i lay down a kind of neutral gray color underneath my final sketch/lineart if im doing lineart in that piece and then i start picking out the colors that i want for the piece and kind of setting out a pallette for myself. i dont do this color pallette thing 100% of the time but i do it really often, especially if im working on a commission or a larger piece where i know theres going to be a lot of colors or if its a piece where im not sure exactly what color scheme i want so laying out the colors together helps me kind of decide what kind of scheme i want. i am sooooo picky about my colors in my art i am genuinely obsessed with colors in art and there are times where i really have to stop myself from working on something forever just constantly adding more colors or putting little tiny changes and gradients in the colors.

after ive got the colors i want down i tend to try and block out parts of the piece with the base color for that section, and then i start to paint with the colors that i want to go on top of that base color from there.

once im satisfied with the colors/shading/rendering and everything ill go back and look over things and will fix things that look off or sometimes completely redo segments if they dont look right to me. when i was younger and mainly doing digital art using my phone and my fingers i would use a lot of filters and overlays on top of my art once i was done, and honestly im glad to not be doing that anymore because i dont think it made my art look any better. i do color adjustments and sometimes will put on a color overlay or a layer to emphasize the shadows and the light in the piece, but i try to keep those layers to a minimum and like i said before i have a tendency to obsess over the colors and ill spend a good amount of time in the color adjustment tool of clip studio and then ill just decide "actually it looks fine as it is" so yeah!

3. posting

i feel like i dont have a lot to say here gbfm i mean i honestly have a lot of thoughts about the relationship between artists and social media and how social media changes our views on art including our own art and how we can feel like we constantly need to be posting new art and just become content machines churning out new stuff. but ill save that rant for another time. i used to be really concerned about how many notes my art would get when i was younger, and i dont at all blame anyone who still is very concerned about that bc it sucks when u work hard on something youve created and then you dont get a lot of recognition for it, but honestly within the last two years or so i feel like ive begun to have a lot healthier relationship with posting my art. i really just post my art on my art blog, reblog it to my main blog, and then thats that yknow! i do really appreciate any and all support people give me, it means the world to me, but for me having the mentality where i dont need to post all the art i make and i dont need to be posting every day or every week or every month even has been a lot healthier for me because then im not constantly asking myself why didnt this get notes is my art awful??? and yeah i just kind of post it and my brain goes okay were done with that art we gotta make more

ive honestly been struggling a lot with art thru the pandemic and if youre reading this and have been struggling with creating in any way recently or even before the pandemic, please know theres no shame in having trouble creating and it doesnt make you bad at whatever it is u create!

thank you for reading this, feel free to consider urself tagged by me again if u want to do this!! love u all

[seijch]

ANNOUNCEMENT: NOT A HELLO, BUT NOT A GOODBYE EITHER

omg hi ... im like . ashamed to come back after saying brief hiatus in october and then disappearing off the face of the earth til FEBRUARY but under the cut i will be explaining myself and the following, if youre interested (and a tl;dr at the very bottom if you don’t wanna scroll thru this obnoxiously long post):

the reason(s) i was gone for so long

what i was doing during that time (its just a personal account yall can scroll past this idrc)

the status of those um . halloween requests

the future of this account

i. so . Hiatus .

i know. i know . i probably mentioned it when i made the announcement post, but my mental health likes to go on one of those rides. yknow the ones where you go like up rlly fast then down maybe and then up then DOWN .... its like that. i needed a break and every time i wanted to come back or thought about it, something would happen and i would get stuck in my own head.

a big reason for getting stuck in my head was (and i hate to admit this ... i hate to admit that i have Insecurities On The Internet) my feelings of inadequacy regarding my writing. i love to plot fics, i love concepts and characters and making little headcanons but i dont ... know if i love writing rn. and i thought for the longest time that like . whatever ill just push thru it its fine ill be fine but it kinda wasnt lmao you can kinda see it in my halloween reqs and what become of them when i get to that but i began to feel like nothing i had put out or would put out would hold up prose wise (and normally i dont feel like this im much more “idc its my life im living it” but thats not a rant for tumblr LMAO). i still feel like that -- like im better as a reader than a writer. but . You Know :-)

tl;dr: mental state go brrrrr

ii. anywhere here’s wonderwall

when i left, i was in a steadily decreasing mental and emotional state, made worse by a situation at work that really was a case of petty jealousy on my end and rlly isnt very consequential now despite how much pain and resentment it gave me when it Was a problem so i wont get into it. the tl;dr of november and december was me using work as an crutch and distraction -- i know my job, i do it well, it helped me not think about my responsibilities and obligations and inadequacies. of course, as the holiday season grew busier n busier i was scheduled so often that i moved 88 or so miles (according to my apple watch, which i ONLY wear at work since im never anywhere else outside my house) and fell into a cycle of showering n sleeping at my house before going back the next day. (theres definitely something to be said abt capitalism and “grind culture” here but once again its not the time or place snsjkdfds)

at the turn of the new year, i happened to remember a birthday card i hadnt filed away for safekeeping from a friend of mine that id been horribly out of touch with til that point. i started crying because i realized how out of touch id been in general up until that point. the month of january was great for me: i was focused, happy, and in a much better place than i had been before. the end of it brought me down focus wise and im hoping that enough time away from my distractions will refocus me bc i ... need it LMAO and though ive burned out from that level of productivity and gotten distracted again im ... trying to stay positive which i think is the most i can do 😁👍🏼

media wise, i got real into stardew valley (but burned out bc i played it extensively as a way to wind down after work), the pokemon platinum romhack renegade platinum (still havent finished it bc of school n i played it w the intent to see if i could nuzlocke it ... bitch its so hard but its so fun bc of it), briefly assassins creed: odyssey (im one of those ppl who completes an entire region before i move to the next so you can tell i burned out of that one + wouldnt have the time to properly devote to it even if i didnt), got back into genshin impact after pulling for xiao (after not touching it for like . months), and danganronpa. yes . danganronpa 😐 i Know. i stopped playing it after the second trial of the first game bc i was so hurt by the outcome and picked it up in late january only to get sucked in (thank god i had the foresight to buy the second and third games during the steam winter sale). rn im at the start of chapter 4 if anyone wants to come in my asks and um . talk to me abt danganronpa

tl;dr: I’m Into Danganronpa Now

iii. you realize halloween was three months ago right

i mentioned this in the first section, but i love to plot things. every request is plotted or at least has a solid foundation. i had fun detailing what concept i wanted to go with considering what i was given, and there were some bangers i might touch up in the future. but heres whats going to happen to the requests themselves:

there are two finished requests. one will be posted tomorrow and the other will be touched up (just bc i finished it doesnt mean its good 🧍‍♂️) and scheduled for next saturday. as for the ones i never got around to ...

i will not be finishing those requests. i hate to be That Person, but i feel like we all expected this 🧍‍♂️ what i will do is post all of my notes for each request in batches -- requests that have an @ to go with them will be mentioned in the post proper, but anon asks will be pictured. (there are some asks that came from blogs who are now deactivated but i wrote down all the prompts and remember most of those askers so ill cross that bridge when i get there) there will most likely be an excerpt or two simply bc i think i mightve written a few plot points or interactions in the form of bullet points. i rlly am sorry about doing this but i remember looking at my notion doc with all the prompts and feeling ... like i wasnt measuring up n it wasnt just to myself or to some intangible concept of “other” id constructed but it was instead to those who requested n actually WANTED to see and hear and read my writing and i ...... im gonna admit thats another big reason i avoided this site.

regardless, youll definitely get what i have (and likely more than just my bullet points and illegible handwriting).

tl;dr: im sorry. what i have in terms of plot, concept, and interaction for every request will be posted, but i cant say ill ever complete them and mean it.

iv. so what now?

well i mean . im not entirely sure how sold i am on haikyuu in the content creation department (as a creator n to a lesser extent, as a consumer). as mentioned previously, its no longer my primary focus. it doesnt mean im not into haikyuu anymore; i have a lot of love for those boys but i cant rlly say im even caught up w recent fandom activity and also havent even finished s4 pt2 LMAO thats on my to do list

and despite all that, i still want to share my plots n concepts and snippets and maybe even fics. it wont happen anytime soon. it might not even happen. but i mean . its better than me saying i wont write ever again shjdkfs but either way ill probably use this blog as a personal blog w the occasional ask game for dialogue prompts (those are always so fun i love making up aus to fit like . the most mundane prompts)

as for my works (past and any potential future), ive opened an ao3 acc here n ill be editing n possibly expanding on my old works to post there. tumblr, to me, is The x reader hub, but i figure more x reader fics on ao3 is never a bad thing.

ill be deleting/posting drafted posts to the queue since they were all meant to be queued anyway as well as (sorry again 🧍‍♂️) deleting or answering asks in the inbox. (moots if you get a notif from me saying i rbed your post from months ago ... mind your business) im very hard to get ahold of and its ... a problem. expect an overhaul of the nav n shit to reflect my new direction n also because i feel like i cant tell if my passion for carrd is shared by the majority HSDKLFS maybe its better to read my info in a normal post ykwim .......

and of course . if youve read all this n decided im no longer worth the follow, i sure as hell cant stop you. thank you for wanting to, at some point, hear what i have to say -- it means more than you think.

tl;dr: writing will be edited and reposted to ao3, this blog will be a personal blog with a hint of writing (sometimes)

the tl;dr to end all tl;drs:

im back! i wont be as active as i used to due to a lessened interest in haikyuu in general, but i have an ao3 acc now where all my past work will be edited, possibly expanded, and reposted. any future work will also find itself there. my halloween requests will be posted in batches as incomplete concepts, plots, and snippets of scenes; i wont be promising to finish any of them.

there are still fic concepts im attached to and want to finish, but i cant promise any more writing on my end. this blog will be a personal blog with maybe writing, not a writing blog with my personal thoughts all over it.

regardless if you stick around or not, its been crazy sexy cool (equal emphasis) being on haikyuu tumblr even tho i wasnt around for long ... even tho its not my main focus anymore, im still excited to see what the future might hold 🤝

love, ari 💌

[robinisaghost]

animatic ideas :0 (ramble away, i would love to hear them!!)

mk thank you for enabling me, i will now be yelling

anyway

this is gonna be so obnoxiously long i am so sorry

can you add read more's on asks? eeeekkkk because this got so damn long lmao

mild dsmp spoilers obviously

this is the playlist, by the way

-im sorry boris (wilbur soot)

i think it would work really well with mmm slightly post lmanburg niki. andby slightly i mean. well when she leaves (that is the whole thing of the song gdfjkhgsdf) also side note at like 1 minute 11 on that song theres a discord notification really subtly in the background and it makes me paranoid every time i hear it. anyway god its such a nice song. even for just like. the end of lmanburg. not necesarily paired with a character, just the sense of leaving a place that was so highly populated before it got blown up twice and was like. the main part of the smp. yeah. anyway also the lines "they'll knock down the pubs before helping you...they'll let you jump under trains before helping you" yeah those four lines have big niki vibes but also i think the song could work well with exile tommy or actually even with the finale when tubbo is about to sacrifice himself? mmmmm yeah

-this is home (cavetown)

mmmm got exile tommy vibes innit. a lot of these have exile tommy vibes tbf i just like sad songs and also exile tommy. plus the song has a lot of like. the message is sort of like. changing yourself to appeal to others? like with "ill cut my hair to make you stare" but also the repeated thing of "ill figure out a way to get us out of here" which is clearly the main character of the song trying to help everyone when they are clearly not in a good way themself. yeah thats got big tommy vibes in general tbh but more like. pre finale tommy. i think he got a bit more independant after that.

-soldier poet king (the oh hellos)

ok this is self explanatory and has been done to death already but d a m n its kinda funky. anyway i had thoughts and actually started this but then lost motivation and deleted it all lmaooo. the only proof of its existance is a shitty storyboard in my draw which will hopefully never see the light of day again (unless anyone wants to see it :eyes:) anyway i had the thought of like. sbi? so soldier techno poet wilbur and king tommy. but tbf tommy and techno are kinda interchangeable with that, cos while techno is obviously the better fighter, tommy is used a lot, especially in lmanberg era and also i think he probably will be now that wilburs back

-pyjama pants (cavetown)

ok so i honestly dont remember why this is on the playlist but tbf this could go well with a bunch of characters. thinking like. phil and wilbur? or wil and tommy, or tubbo and ranboo are two that like. i know for a fact that i did not put the song on the playlist specifically for them but god thinking about it now it works so well with them

-boys will be bugs (cavetown)

OH BOY THERES A LOT OF CAVETOWN ON HERE HUH (i feel like that probably says something about me but shhhhhh we dont need to talk about that) ANYWAY

I think this could probably work really well with tommy? because of the whole like. trying really hard to come across as not caring about others, but really being like. very vunerable. but at the same time it could go really well with wilbur for the same reasons. also the song fucks ok cant deny it. to be fair i think it works better with tommy, because he's younger and also he really likes bugs (unless i am mistaken) which is just a cool coincidence but still)

-brother (kodaline)

FUCKKKKKKKKKKK THIS WORKS SO WELL WITH SO MANY CHARACTERS AND IS ALSO ***SO ANGSTY*** WHAT

anyway

i added it because of tommy and tubbo because holy shit, but also it could work very very well with wilbur and tommy, techno and wilbur, probably techno and tommy, and oh my god i just thought of this but this would work so well with phil and techno!!!! but yeah i originally thought tommy and tubbo because i thought it was a funny coincidence with exile tommy waking up underwater, and theres a line that says "if you were drowned at sea, id give you my lungs so you could breathe" and like. just thinking about the compasses especially. me gusta.

-feel better (penelope scott)

fundy. that is all.

no ok this works well with fundy but also probably karl sapnap and quackity, and also very much wilbur, like it works well with both. just mainly fundy idk why its got big fundy vibes tho. very poggers.

-as the world caves in (matt maltese)

ok but like this goes very very well with the explosions of lamberg. either of them. i think probably the first one is better, but i think it goes well with both. probably the first one, because it was way more emotional i think? cos it was the first time that their homes had been destroyed and everything, but also because it was so personal, because wilbur was the one who did it. i think that also it would work well if it was set during the explosion but also focussed on different facets? so like. one bit about wilburs perspective, one bit about tommys, one about phils, one about fundys maybe? idk just a bunch of lmaburg citizens' povs for this. its good. as the world caves in is a song that can be so gender tbh.

-do you hear the people sing? (les mis)

obvious obvious obvious...... but like..... also tbh it goes well with a bunch of things. like, mmmmm wilbur in pogtopia. the butcher army. lmaburg independance war (obviously ghdskj) but yeah. also this song just goes so hard like b r u h

-wolf in sheeps clothing (set it off, william beckett)

SO MANY OF THESE ARE LIKE. PRETTY OBVIOUS IF YOUVE HEARD THE SONG

but yeah. it would go so well with like. well any betrayal basically. so eret, from tommys pov maybe, or about wilbur from nikis pov, or wilbur from anyone pov tbf, or quackity from charlie/purpled/foolish/sams pov, or sam from tommys pov, really it works well with so many people which says a lot about the characters tbh but shhhhhhhhhhhh

-need you here (idkhow)

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

mk mk mk mk FUNDY AND WILBUR THO

like b r u h that works so well with them

also i started this one as well but didnt like it, theres a story board in my draw as well for it because like. oh my god its such a good idea i just am shit at animating and don't have a decent enough program :')

also also

the line "daddy has to go, and that makes me sad, but daddy will always come back, he promised" fuckkkkkk that works so well with like. say for example, idk, when they're celebrating schlatts death and wilbur leaves to press the button? the sheer fucking angst of that is enough to kill any one person istg that is in fact the entire reason why i started the animatic in the first place. just that line. also all the lines sung by the child voice. fuckin angsty as hell. also ust generally a banging song, as is every idkhow song

-green (cavetown)

another cavetown song huh. ok sure.

mk so wilbur and sally and fundy. like. for a start, the imagry of a fish at the start? boom sally.

anyway the lines "you looked so good in green, i hope you're well, and you look so good with him, (schlatt ig?) and I'm proud of you still (wilburrrr and fundyyyy) i miss your perfect teeth, i was too blunt, i hope you feel happy, that's all I want"

FUCKKKK

the whole song is about missing someone you used to love and only hoping the best for them!!!! and wishing that they are happy and safe!!!!!!!!!!! and hoping they still think about you!!!!! but even if they dont its fine because all you want is for them to be happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

-achilles come down (gang of youths)

OK I THOUGHT IT COULDNT GET ANGSTIER

so like. tw suicide but thats what the entire song is about and bing bang boom i just think it works so so so so so so so well with not only exile tommy (who obviously did try to kill himself) but also wilbur in a slightly more metaphorical way? so like. his self destructive habits leading him to a point where he had no choice other than to kill himself and to take his country down with him. and its all about other characters trying to help them and persuade them not to but also near the end there is a second voice trying to persuade them to go along with it, which im thinking like. if its wilbur, either dream or maybe just himself. his own brain persuading him to continue down the path that would inevitably lead to his and his countries destruction. also it works well with schlatt for the same reasons, except he doesnt want to die. maybe (since the song is so goddamn long) like. one verse for tommy one for wilbur and one for schlatt? dead gang poggg but also like. the verses cover fairly different things which work with one character but not so much the others, for example the first verse would be tommy because its mainly about persuading the person to not kill themself (which tommy did himself but shhh) the second for schlatt because its literally about drinking and smoking away your problems, and the third for wilbur since its more of a fight between the "good" and the "bad" sides, which is obviously what wilbur was experiencing. also obviously i have a soft spot for this song because its string instruments and french, basically my favourite combination ever (also i like his voice idfk lmao)

ANYWAY THATS ALL THE SONGS ON THERE SO FAR

i literally thought of another song while i was in the shower today but i dont remember which it was but a n y w a y the playlist will most definitely be getting longer, especially since there are so many more songs that are good for this but i just havent added them yet lmao. anyway ive been writing this for like an hour gsdfjhgdhfsg but still oh my god this was fun to write