#at this point i am sure this might not be only because of pcos but because of endometriosis as well :)))

[paindivinemp3]

burnout has kicked in pretty hard and i think i will take a few days off this week

[mommy-issues-haver]

Hello, this isn't really asking you something so i'm really sorry. I'm not sure if this rant is even something you'll care to read so feel free to delete it or whatever. I found out this week that i've got endometriosis and that there's a good chance that I wont be able to have kids. I wanted them. Not imminently but the point stands.

Anyway, it got me thinking about how people always use infertile women as a kinda 'gotcha!' when debating the definition of women. They always go on about how 'if women are the sex who produce ova, then what about infertile women, hm?' And i've just kind of been thinking about how this defines my social identity as much as being a woman capable bearing children would determine my social identity.

I don't really know what i'm trying to say here. I'm still a woman. I'm still classed as a woman. I have this condition that honestly fucks me over because I am a woman. I am only unable to bear children because previously it was believed that I was able to. My position as a woman in society defines my identity as much as (and is immutable as) my position as a white person or as an older sibling.

I don't know i've just kind of been mulling on it and it's just been bugging me, the implication that all of a sudden i'm some sort of subcategory of woman. Or some sort of slightly less definitive woman. Like i'm on the borderline. I've always been a girl and it just kind of feels like thats another thing this is taking away.

Anyway, really sorry to bother you. I hope you have a good easter or whatever. Sorry again, you don't have to read this I just saw your thing about what it means to be a woman and thought you might be a good person to send this to because no one wants to hear it.

First of all, I’m so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. You know this already but it doesn’t mean you’re definitely sterile - I believe Halsey has endometriosis and gave birth a few years ago, and of course there are countless other examples.

I actually have PCOS so while not exactly the same, I also grappled with potential infertility and felt that same grief you’re experiencing now. It’s very hard. You need to allow yourself to grieve because it truly is a very emotional experience, especially for someone who wanted children eventually.

In no way are you less of a woman or a subcategory of woman. “Woman” is a broad category, and the inclusion of women with fertility issues isn’t at all controversial. In fact, this is one of the most woman-specific experiences you could have. Many many women struggle with infertility and various disorders of the reproductive system. I don’t actually care to strictly define the term woman, even while maintaining that trans women are not analogous to biological women, because I think that it ends up creating bizarre divisions like the idea that infertile women aren’t women (I don’t think there are many GCs who believe this, but their narrow framework of womanhood essentially states this). Making a division there is unnecessary. But having endometriosis is something only a female could have. I know how difficult this must be, but I hope you manage to find some peace with it <3

[intersex-support]

Hi, I know this is something I really need to talk to a doctor about but I'm still trying to see a gynecologist and endocrinologist so in the meantime I figured I'd ask here in case anyone knows what this is

So I recently found out that it isn't normal to get intense clitoris pain but it's something that I experience extremely frequently, not just when doing sexual things but also when I insert q-tips into my ear I get a stabbing pain down there for example and even just going about my daily life there's a constant pressure around the area (feels like something is weighing it down) to the point where sometime I try to masturbate just to disrupt the sensation a little (but masturbating hurts so it doesn't actually take the pain away)

In addition to that my vaginal opening is extremely tight, I cannot use tampons or insert anything in there and the passage is just extremely narrow, when I'm aroused this does not change.

I know I experience some kind of hormonal or adjacent disorder because my periods are incredibly irregular, I'll skip months at a time but then I'll have a heavy period that lasts two months straight or I'll have spotting for prolonged periods. In addition to that I consistently have been getting bladder infection symptoms but every time I test for one it comes back negative.

I have a developmental/hormonal disorder that stopped me from ever growing fully (I still more or less have the same body I did as a teenager and am well under 5 ft tall) I was supposed to take shots for it from 8-12 years old but lost my insurance so I took less than a years worth iirc.

When I try and google this stuff I get incredibly vague "this could be a lot of things talk to your doctor" about most of it and have not been able to find a single person who reports vaginal/clitoral pain when inserting anything into the ears and I don't know if I'm intersex or not but it seems a bit likely given everything?

I know you can't diagnose me with anything but have you (or any followers) heard about this before? Could you help give me some idea of what it might be? My paranoid ass thinks I'm secretly dying of cancer or something.

Hi anon, so I’m really glad you’re going to try and get help for this! I really hope that it works out well for you, that you’re treated well and with compassion.

This might seem a little far off, and I am not claiming that I know for sure if this is what is happening, or if what I’m thinking might be connected is even right. While the ear and the pelvic region can seem incredibly different and unrelated, the ear is very close to our jaws, and tension in the jaw (I would say tension in general can do this, but especially if your jaw is constantly tight) can lead to issues in the pelvic region.

Something that can include pain in the clitoris, not only by touch but just by wearing pants/fabric in general, could feel like consistent pressure or even a stabbing-pain, and can cause issues with vaginal insertion, is Vulvodynia. This can be caused by a lot of things, but is often seen alongside other health issues; that is to say vulvodynia can be acquired through things like infection (like bladder infection!) but also be present with conditions you might have been born with.

This is an article talking about the rates of vulvodynia in people with EDS/HSD (cw cissexist language) https://ehlersdanlosnews.com/news/high-rates-of-vulvodynia-likely-in-women-with-eds-hsd-survey/?cn-reloaded=1

Hypermobility spectrum disorders (HSD) are not uncommon for intersex people to have, some intersex variations are thought to be related to HSDs but there are many many reasons a person might have a HSD that is not intersex related. A condition often “comorbid” with HSD can be PCOS (one of the symptoms for this is irregular periods), but definitely is not limited to it.

Pelvic floor dysfunction like vulvodynia can have a lot of underlying causes, and some of those causes might come from being intersex. Pelvic floor dysfunction can also be managed and treated. I personally don’t know much about growth hormone, so I can’t comment much or find connections there, but it would be interested to know if there’s any studies that look into the connection specifically.

Again, I’m not saying any of this is what you have, I’m just making a few connections for you so you don’t immediately jump to the idea that you’re dying. Hopefully, the appointments you’re planning to make will be able to tell you more about what the underlying cause of this pain for you, and provide insight on how it can be treated.

[queendopamine]

Opening up about mental health, the healthcare system, and my diagnoses

I'm no stranger to therapy. Though I've never lasted longer than 6 months, I've tried different therapists over the years. I know I need to dig in and do some deep, hands-on work. I've gotten by with some of the tools they've given me, as well as my own efforts at attempting self-help.

In May, I went back to therapy and also saw a psychiatrist for the first time ever. I did a psych eval with her last week.

I received a diagnosis of anxiety, PTSD, and Bipolar. These are also things the therapist had evaluated me for and talked to me about. I scored high on her tests for them. I've always been good at tests...The damn test was how I got my bipolar diagnosis in 2010. Some NP at a walk-in clinic gave me a couple assessments and heard my story about how I reacted on Prozac. Said that depression was only telling half the story and gave me some meds. I had to go off them after a couple months because I got pregnant, but that was as far as I ever went in my Bipolar journey.

Since 2010, I had distanced myself from the Bipolar dx and label. Not only did I not like the stigma, but I just didn't relate to it as much as other things. Borderline seemed to address a lot of similar symptoms. At one point, I even thought I had DID. In 2020, like many chronically-online Millennials in the pandemic, thought I might have ADHD. For much longer, I've considered that I have OCD.

But for now, my doctor is choosing to treat the Bipolar and said she didn't "get ADHD vibes from me" and for now, she wouldn't agree that I have ADHD (I got through school, I finish my work on time, I paid attention to her questions --those were her reasons). She said I might have OCD tendencies based on what I described but she didn't fully label me as OCD or change my treatment at all.

She did say that over time, things could change--as in additional dxes might be given or they might be changed. And of course, we might try different treatments. It's all trial and error.

To start, I'm going on a mood stabilizer (Vraylar) and an anti-anxiety medicine (hydroxizine). I hope I can find the right combination of meds and that the side effects will be minimal and manageable. I havent been on a mood stabilizer in a long time. I don't really remember much about it. I've tried many different anti-depressants and Xanax. The anti-depressants always seemed to make me worse and Xanax just makes me sleepy as fuck.

My doctor gave me an overview of the Vraylar and Hydroxizine. She told me the symptoms and what to look out for. But then reading the pamphlets about them gave me a whole different perspective. Drowsiness was the big one that stuck out to me for both--not only did she not warn me about this, but she even told me hydroxizine wouldn't cause me to be sleepy and I could take up to 400mg a day and I'd be fine. It would help me sleep, but it wouldn't put me to sleep, like Xanax would, in her words.

Like many anti-depressants or mood stabilizers, Vraylar warns of potential weight gain. But it also can cause high blood sugar and high cholesterol. I already have elevated cholesterol so that's unfortunate. I didn't tell my psychiatrist this and now I am wondering if she'll switch meds when I do tell her. I'm not sure why I didn't mention it. All those potential side effects worry me though. I already struggle with my weight and because of my PCOS, I am pretty much already at risk for diabetes--though no tests have come back to indicate that I'm even pre-diabetic, so that's good. The cholesterol is something to worry about though and I will bring that up when I see her again.

Drowsiness is the worst symptom though and I'll tell you why. It's because I switched back to Zyrtec for my allergies and even though I take it at night, it's just a lot. it makes it hard to get up the in the morning. I can handle it okay during the day when I halve the pill, but I still end up dragging around, fatigued. I hope my body adjusts. I don't want to be tired all day. I have horrible allergies and have been receiving allergy shots for them, which contributes to fatigue on shot days. I can't live my life like a zombie all the time.

Just feeling overwhelmed and frustrated and annoyed. I know it's going to take time to adjust to both new medications and even to the Zyrtec. And if Vraylar and Hydroxizine don't work, it will be onto something else. I'm just eager to get it right and feel fulfilled and content. I want to be able to workout if I want to. I want to relax if I want to. I just don't want to be ruled by fear or lack of energy or zero motivation. I want to be in control of my body. Drowsiness is opposite of this.

Onto the PTSD...that shouldn't have surprised me, but it did. I wasn't expecting that. I don't know if the meds will help with my PTSD symptoms. But I know that my stepmom and her sister both receive ketamine treatment periodically. Both of them have bad depression and it helps them tremendously. According to the website, it helps with PTSD and bipolar symptoms as well. So I've considered that as an option, but I want to try meds first.

That brings me to the other issue--cost. I'm lucky that I can pull together the funds when needed and tighten up spending enough to afford these expensive-ass therapy/psych appointments. I also have a boyfriend I live with who makes almost 2x what I do and can pick up the slack or give me money if I really need it. Most people are not in that situation. There are people in my own family who cannot afford certain things. Mental health is a luxury to them.

Something so important and life-changing is a luxury that they can't afford. It's tragically common. Health insurance in the US is a joke. I can't even bill them for these sessions. It's not that they don't cover any mental health/behavioral health (though that's part of it sometimes), it's that the places I have visited do not bill health insurance for some reason. Maybe it's harder to work with them. maybe there's something about the way they bill. I truly do not know. But it's expensive as hell and I know if it were easier, they would bill insurance.

So yeah it's hard enough that I have to scrape together the money and really budget out my spending and think of every dollar. But there are people who have to do this with groceries, with feeding their children! People who have to choose which bills to pay. They can't just scrape together some extra money and spend it on mental health. Those people are fucked. and then their kids, who grow up in poverty or who are surrounded by this constant survival mentality, will grow up traumatized and in need of therapy they can't afford either. The cycle continues.

Does the government care? No. This system isn't built well and it's failing the people who need it the most.

I could talk more about the PTSD and Bipolar. what they mean to me and the symptoms I'm having. But I'm tired (go figure) and this is all I can manage.

[ch-amomiletea]

in honour of mother’s day i’m going to share some words i wrote through the night on january 18th 2023

it’s 5:30 am

i’m waiting for my baby to wake up so he can help relieve the discomfort of having two full boobs and i’ve already pumped once tonight! he’s only four months old. four months that feels like years and four months that feels all the feels of ‘we’re leaving the hospital already? right now? are you sure?’

my younger self used to want a baby all the time. it was something i knew i was 100% of and i made sure my partner of the time knew that. i was 20, i was 22.. i was wrong. those relationships could never have handled the weight of a child, those versions of me were not ready in the slightest. i went through a major change at 23 years old, a life altering change that completely rerouted my course ahead. it felt like i started going through the process of reconstructing myself and i had to start at the beginning. it took two years and by 25 i felt fresh air in my lungs for the first time in a long time. i felt a sense of purpose and connection with my true self, the self i wanted to grow and be closer to. my life was starting to feel truly like a basket of blessings made just for me. and honestly it was! i put in the work emotionally to heal wounds, to rethink previous thoughts in new light, to revisit memories and go over them with insight and clarity. in doing so i was able to clear out the junk in the way of my life’s offerings. things started to feel ‘lucky’ you could say, but i knew deep down it was because i was deserving. i got to a place where i was able to make a five year plan with actual attainable goals and that felt really great. on that list sure enough was ‘have a baby or start having one by 30’. at this point i wasn’t trying to have a baby, i was very comfortable leaving that part of life to future me and i knew i still wanted to be a mom someday. i felt comfortable in waiting until i was 30 to start because i thought i would have x y and z ready by then. i’ve realized now you might have x and y, but z never comes. you’re never ready for the shift it brings. i was 26 years old when i became pregnant for the first time. i can’t remember how many pregnancy tests i’ve peed on in my life just because my friend did it too, or i missed my period (which was never accurate anyway due to pcos) or because i was just full of hope that maybe, it would be positive. with a sea full of negative results i wasn’t expecting any different in the middle of the night that july. i was rushed with a feeling of so much excitement that it felt blurry. there’s no way, two lines? am i sure two lines means positive? i double checked the package and everything. it’s a fever dream. chad and i were so happy. we felt whole. we felt more love around us somehow. it was so exciting knowing we created life together and we going to grow our family. a fever dream.. lasting two weeks and three days. i can remember talking to my brothers girlfriend at the time, one of the only people that knew, asking her questions about what i should expect. how do i know if everything is okay? is it normal to feel the way i do? she reassured me it was but that it’s different for everyone. she only had her experience to offer as all women do, and it’s never the same. the feeling of excitement faded as fast as it came. all the anxiety and worry set in. what do i do? what can’t i do? is it safe to eat sesame oil? what vitamins should i take? google on google on google. an awful thing to do i don’t recommend. none of it mattered though because a deep feeling of concern was set in my core that something was wrong. everyone was trying to be supportive saying that i should wait until my next appointment, it’s normal to have a little bleeding, try to be positive. typical responses but all i knew was that i didn’t feel positive and i wanted someone, anyone to validate that yes things could be fine, but to me, i knew it wasn’t. i finally decided to go to emergency outpatients after passing a really large blood clot and while i was there, waiting to have confirmed what i knew to be a miscarriage, the real bleeding started. it was nothing like what i expected one to be. it was comparable to a period, just a very heavy, very crampy period. i was still waiting for the doctors words to make it real. i was there for two days total by the end of it all.

after hours of waiting, i was told my pregnancy was over, i indeed had a miscarriage. the doctor came in said his piece and left all within five minutes. i wasn’t ready for the open space that was left when i went home that day. it feels like a daze. i wasn’t able to process what really happened. one minute, my dream had come true. i felt more like myself than ever, i felt beautiful. i felt radiant, closer with my partner, excited of what was to come. to feeling numb, confused and lost. cuddled up in sweatpants and a dark hoodie over my head i felt lifeless. why would this happen? how could a dream come true end so abruptly? me, a spiritual being, tried to go over what i missed. what lesson didn’t i go through, am i being punished? i wasn’t able to convince myself at the time it was for a higher purpose. i felt angry in my faith and angry with myself that i was silly enough to believe i deserved a baby, that i deserved to be happy. all the work i had put into myself in the last few years seemed to not matter in the slightest. the darkness i had contained was leaking. it was creeping into my veins, my every thoughts. like simon and garfunkels hello darkness my old friend, i let it in with open arms. i wallowed. chad and i went from feeling high to an uncomfortable silence. a piece missing between us. for different reasons we felt as if we failed before we started. everyone else’s lives remained the same and somehow ours felt tainted. one thing we did know following is that we wanted to feel that joy again. we wanted to have a baby and this time we were going to try.

the only good thing that came from going to outpatients that night was having my blood work done. during that time the doctor on call was able to notice my blood type was a negative. the third most rare in canada. with this blood type my body only accepts a few others. this meaning depending on the blood type of my growing a fetus, if it isn’t the right one, my body thinks it’s infectious and needs to be eliminated. so i start creating antibodies to get rid of whatever is foreign inside. he told me this is most likely what happened in my situation. i was given a needle there called Rhogam. it’s a blood culture injection for the next time i was to get pregnant, it tells my body that i am safe and it is able to recognize a fetus growing safely. i held on to this information as my hope that next time will be different! a small light in my tunnel. and so chad and i started to ‘try’ to get pregnant. it turns out the anxiety was just as bad. writing down cycles, tracking ovulation, is that discharge good or bad? oh we didn’t have sex yet, let’s schedule it for this time. so much mental consumption it’s exhausting. during this time, everyone was being forced into taking the covid vaccine. i work at a private school and for me, it wasn’t an option to go without, so against what i truly wanted, i had my first shot. i had heard some stories about woman having messed up cycles after receiving their vaccines but so much misinformation was spread i filed it in with everything else covid related. time went on and we continued to try. then i miss my period. overly excited for a positive pregnancy test i get chad to pick one up on the way home and i take it right away. it was an electronic test and it was positive. wow that was fast! i don’t feel any different. my boobs don’t hurt this time, i feel literally nothing. but it’s all happening again! i see a positive sign on a small plastic stick. within two days after the test i’m bleeding and my world shuts down again. all i could think is why me? how on earth is this possible? all that work for this, again. was it the vaccine? what am i doing wrong? i made a doctors appointment and when i showed up i said i’m having another miscarriage. he got me to pee in a cup, tested it and told me without emotion i wasn’t pregnant to start with and asked if there was anything else he could help me with. i felt stunned. wow. no second miscarriage. i walked in there the most depressed i had felt in years and left 10 pounds lighter. something about that experience instantly changed my entire view.

something just clicked inside of me. all the worrying, overthinking, questioning, it was all useless. i have zero control of this. and for the first time in months, my faith was with me hand in hand. “what’s meant for me will not be missed” became my mantra. i said it everyday. when we are truly ready for change it is given. it isn’t what we expect, it isn’t pretty or fun at times but it is crafted for exactly what we need. i apologized to myself for giving up. i apologized to my spirit guides for thinking i was ever steered in the wrong direction. chad and i decided to stop trying and i felt for the first time in a while, able to go on with life again baby free. i didn’t know quite what that looked like though. for months i had gone through major change, felt so empty. who was i now? things between chad and i became distant. we both knew we weren’t trying anymore and were okay with that, but it didn’t erase what had happened. we were both on our own now battling a sadness we had never felt before. where do we go now? i will admit things got tough. by december we weren’t doing so well. i remember feeling like maybe we were ending our course together. if we weren’t meant to have kids and can’t get through this, what can we get through?

chad is truly a blessing. the way we interact has always been open and flowing. that didn’t change throughout this hard time and we were able to fully communicate what we could put together as valid emotions and thoughts. we were on the rocks, trying to figure out what in the hell life’s next move was. now it’s christmas. we have to put brave faces on for our families. we decided we can deal with this when the holidays are over. we were at my mothers for another round of christmas dinner and i felt so awful. i had acne in places i wasn’t used to, feeling so full and nauseous. i couldn’t eat another christmas bite. on top of feeling absolutely exhausted, i was convinced i had appendicitis and that it was going to rupture ruining everyone’s holiday. then out of the blue my mom says to me sarcastically ‘maybe you’re pregnant’. words i truly hadn’t considered. words i hadn’t thought of in a long time. there’s no way i thought. chad and i weren’t doing the best, we weren’t having nearly as much sex as normal. though once she said it, the gut feeling came back. this time, it felt full of truth. we return to our one bedroom city apartment, not sure what to do with ourselves, and i decide to take a test in the middle of the night. positive. i took two this time and neither were electronic. positive both times. i didn’t feel excited, i didn’t feel happy. i felt shocked. i felt like here we go again and i crawled back into bed and said to chad, “so i am pregnant” and i’ll never forget his low muffled, saddened one word reply of “yeah….” and we both went back to sleep. the following morning was quiet and soft. where do we go from here? what does this mean for us now? months of ups and downs about pregnancy, thoughts of the future and our relationship, all the questions seemed to come to a head. we took it as a sign that it’s not over for us, clearly. now i’m not advocating for getting pregnant to try and save relationships, that isn’t what happened in our case- as i believe, our child chose us. we were shown that we can handle dark times, we stayed open, honest and true to each other. we remained supportive even though the conversations were hard to have. we kept each other close and life gifted us our greatest treasure. from there we decided to embark on the journey of pregnancy together.

i had my first ultrasound at 7 weeks, it was an amazing experience but yet i still felt far from being pregnant. i was waiting for confirmation from something, anything. i needed to know i was progressing. we waited until 12 weeks to tell anyone. i didn’t want to raise hopes if this wasn’t going to go well. they say if you make it out of your first trimester, your chances of having a miscarriage go down, but for me having had one already, my chances remained higher than the rest regardless. i kept looking for signs that it was happening again instead of enjoying the changes that were happening to me. of all the time wanting and waiting for a baby, i wasn’t prepared for what pregnancy really felt like at all.

the first few months i felt so far from myself. i was just dealing with a life crisis, my relationship with chad, my identity and now my hormones are at an all time high. i felt gross and confused. i was distant from everything that felt normal to me. i was able to come out of my funk in the second trimester and i learned this is normal for most women. the second trimester is a beautiful time. your belly is round, you feel more confident in yourself, everyone is giving you compliments, you’re so excited to meet the small human you’re creating inside. you really start to feel connected to being a woman. you understand all the cliches, the movies, the sayings about being pregnant and how amazing it feels that you are able to grow a human being from seed. a body, a home that soon a beautiful soul will inhabit and walk the earth along side you. then the third trimester hits and you’re unable to see your vagina, sore every night, getting out of a car is a task, and you find yourself wearing the same two outfits because nothing fits. the compliments have stopped and now it’s “get your sleep while you can” , “are you sure there’s not two in there?” and my personal favorite as i was pregnant through the summer, “you must find it so hot”. it’s overwhelming, annoying and you’re ready for it to be over.

i went over in my pregnancy by 11 long, awaited days. my birth plan didn’t go as planned, like most. though i wouldn’t change a thing and am super grateful for how it all played out. finally after years of wanting a baby, one miscarriage and a lot of highs and lows, i got to meet my baby boy, obsidian. my very first thought when seeing him was “his arms are so chubby” and my second quickly after “oh my god he has hair”. it’s a wild phenomenon to go from months of wondering, what will he look like? what have we created? to seeing a face that somehow you feel like you’ve always known. i look at him and feel as though i’ve known him my whole life like there hasn’t been a day i’ve lived that his face hasn’t been known to me. it’s overwhelming. this type of love is smothering and it hurts. it touches parts of me i didn’t know i had. i only showered once a week in the first month he was born and i cried in every shower. i cried because i had a baby, i cried because i felt so heavy inside, i cried because i already longed the life i used to have, i cried because i had no idea what to do or where i was going next. i will never forget the moment i touched my stomach for the first time after birth. i was a ginormous pregnant lady. my belly looked as though it could have been an attachment piece. i swore i would never miss it. and then it hit me. the instant i touched myself and expected to feel comfort, to feel something round and full of life and energy, felt completely empty. i felt hollow. there was no signal being given back through my hand, just nothingness. the tears swelled in my eyes, i was shocked to feel so sad. there i was with my beautiful, healthy baby boy laying across the room from me, yet i felt so alone. there are so many moments you aren’t prepared to feel. it’s astonishingly magical. so here i am, writing this and feeling all sorts of ways. thinking that having a baby is like crossing a bridge except the bridge never ends. you don’t someday get to the other side, you just keep going. the wind is strong, it can be hard to breathe but you keep going. you can’t see the end but you keep going. the water below can be calm and some days it’s raging full of power but you keep going. i’ve had many what if moments, but i know now, i was meant to be obsidians momma. this version of me today, this stage of life i’m in now. it all makes sense. i don’t believe that i had a miscarriage and then became pregnant again with a different baby. i believe it was him all along. he was ready to join us but only he knew at the time my body wasn’t ready and i had to start with that first. without my first pregnancy i would not have known about my blood type and i would have repeated the same cycle. one thing is true and that is the timing is always right, never question that. question what you’re doing instead and if it serves your highest purpose.

i love being a mother and i love my son even more. seeing him smile feels like im experiencing pure bliss. i never want it to end. i will hold his hand for as long as i can. motherhood is unbelievable. life is full of magic, believe that. thank you for listening. sending out positive vibes to all

goodnight

[xngelbug]

hiii, i have a depressive episode pretty much every time i have my period and seeing as tumblr recommended this post “based on my likes”, i’m gonna use it as an excuse to ramble at 3 am

@/headspace-hotel is RIGHT, this sort of thing is NOT NORMAL and if you find that your period is causing you to have incredibly intense emotional symptoms, that may be a sign that something might not quite right and that maybe you should look into it!

for me, i actually have a disorder called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, or PMDD. the shortest way i’ve heard it described is “pms on steroids” or “pms multiplied by 100”.

the long of it, is this:

PMDD is a hormone based mood disorder (more specifically, it’s a depressive disorder) that affects about 5-8% of the general population that’s capable of menstruating.

if you have adhd, your risk of pmdd goes up to 46%, and if you have autism your risk of developing it is 94%! if you have both, well.

the main symptoms of PMDD can change in presentation from person to person, like with many health issues but generally speaking, you’re gonna have allllll the symptoms of pms…plus a few additional ones.

the ones that i experience (and therefore have the most frame of reference for) are:

anger/irritability/a rage so intense it feels like not even god could understand it

exhaustion so bad i usually can’t stay awake during the day

intense mood swings, usually related to sadness or anxiety. it’s not uncommon for me to suddenly burst into tears over something small or to get so anxious i can’t leave my bedroom (not even to go to the bathroom or feed myself)

speaking of food, my appetite doesn’t just wane, it’s like it completely jumps off a cliff. which, considering i have (mostly) unrelated memory issues, is… not a very good experience to put it lightly.

brain fog! this is a symptom i’ve only recently started understanding, so i don’t have a lot to say about it

incredibly intense feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. it’s to the point that if i start feeling suicidal but can’t figure out why, my first instinct has become to check the date. and it’s ALWAYS because my period is coming in, like…. the next 10 days or so. this is the symptom that scares me the most, especially because a huge part of WHY i haven’t killed myself is that i now know what’s causing it, and i can’t help but wonder how many other people haven’t gotten that chance. it makes me sad to think about too hard.

typically, these symptoms will alleviate themselves pretty much as soon as your period actually starts, with most people saying they develop a “sudden clarity” that makes them feel weirded out or embarrassed by their behavior while their where in the midst of it… but there is a reason for all this, even if it doesn’t feel like it after the fact.

PMDD is a very serious disorder—it’s also under diagnosed and under researched (huh, a menstrual disorder that’s under researched, couldn’t imagine why that is…). no one is really sure what exactly causes it, though it’s thought to be related to a sensitivity to to the changes in your estrogen + progesterone levels during the luteal phase of menstruating (that is, the first 1-2 weeks before your period—also, on a slightly unrelated note, as a person who’s trans masc/trans neutral, i like to make the joke that this means i’m allergic to estrogen).

having another disorder, like pcos, can put you at risk of developing it, but seemingly so can things like going through trauma…. like i said, it’s under researched :(

there are treatments for it, though!

the first thing i’d recommend is therapy, if that’s an option for you—a therapist is actually more likely to just, like, generally be aware that this is a thing that exists than, say, your gynecologist might be. speaking to gynocologists about this issue has NEVER been helpful for me, i ALWAYS get shrugged off.

personally, tracking my period has been very helpful in terms of preparing for the inevitable (though you should probably be doing that anyways, just to be safe). i’m starting to change my diet a bit to accommodate it as well, and i’m also looking into taking vitamins, particularly vitamin b6, calcium, and magnesium, as these are supposed to help with the symptoms i struggle with the most (pls be cautious when introducing new stuff to your system, though, even if it’s something you do need)

if that doesn’t work (for me or anyone who may be reading this, i guess) there’s also the options of birth control, hormone therapy (i’ve actually read that people who take t experience almost immediate relief for their symptoms), and also a hysterectomy, though that’s usually considered a “last resort” sort of treatment.

some people also use anti depressants to treat it, usually by increasing usual their dosage just a bit (usually via recommendation from a doctor) or they’ll receive a prescription specifically to take during the 2 weeks before their period. this isn’t really an option for me (i am no longer on anti depressants but when i was, the dosage i was taking was already too high to risk raising it more…) but i figured it was worth mentioning!

interestingly, there have also been people who claim that allergy medication helps with their symptoms—something related to pmdd triggering your mast cells into releasing a whole bunch of histamines—but that hasn’t really been researched, so it’s a very “try at your own risk” sort of thing, especially bc most of the people i see talking about it typically use something called “pepcid ac”, which a lot of people are saying can mess you up if you’re not careful about it (but i don’t know a whole lot about that, so…)

so… yeah! if your period makes you depressed or suicidal, (or if you’re experiencing things like suddenly wanting to break up with your partner even though you usually love being with them, suddenly wanting to quit your job even if it’s NOT awful, or something else along those lines, only for that to magically disappear once you start your period…) that’s not technically normal, but you’re also not alone in that. you aren’t the only one that maybe feels like your period might be ruining your life, and not only are you not crazy or making it up, there are things you can do to make your life easier. you deserve to feel good, and not like the world is ending every two weeks.

i love you (platonic/non romantic) and i hope you have a lovely day/night.

Pre-menstrual depression is always depicted as like "He He! I had a box of icecream bars and cried while watching the Titanic!" But in reality, it's more like, "I'm standing the edge of an abyss. There is nothing good inside of me, I'm filled with rage and desperation."

It's crazy that being told how to deal with that is never a part of anyone's menstrual sex education.

[fierceawakening]

The even weirder part of people talking like they can tell the difference between transphobia, exorsexism, and hate nonconforming cis people get for me is…

I’m hairy. Some doctors say this is just me being Greek (and, according to a 23andme my aunt did, a lot of Italian.) Others say this is a Problem, quite possibly because I am not especially fat so they can’t just jump to “it’s PCOS, which sucks but is a thing we know about.”

I was prescribed testosterone blockers before my test results even came back. (My testosterone levels, based on two tests from two different people who did this, are normal for an AFAB person who is not taking exogenous testosterone. I don’t know if that’s high end of normal or not but it didn’t even sound like that.)

My protests that this would upset me way more than hair I’m already imprecisely shaving got “if something is wrong, that’s dangerous.’” I get asked if I know what spironolactone is a surprising amount. (Yes! Give it to my transfem friends! What is wrong with you! I don’t want that! I’m the one who wants more T! AAAAAAAAAAA)

All of which is to say… I’m pretty sure I’ve experienced at least a little exorsexism too, and it’s only extensive medical testing that confirmed it was “misdirected.” I remember asking if I was intersex, feeling like I could be more open about being non-binary if the answer was yes, and hearing “oh honey you’re just as feminine as any woman!” EVEN AFTER I protested I’m not feminine and don’t call me that.

I’m not saying our experiences don’t differ. I’m not saying it’s never okay to point out when someone might actually have it worse or get it more often.

I AM saying it’s all the same hydra, and that hydra isn’t generally picking which head to go after you with. It just wants to get close enough to bite.

[illmoraineakoi]

Fun Fact: A few years ago, I went to the ER with the worst stomach pain I ever had. I legitimately thought my appendix had burst, because it was in that general area and I still had mine.

It was a fucking nightmare.

[Under a Read More bc this got loooong. Also, Trigger Warning: Graphic Image]

They refused to do anything for me until I proved I wasn't pregnant via a urine sample.

I was so nauseous that I literally couldn't keep water down, and I hadn't drank anything for the entire day because of that (because I am American and had resisted even going to the hospital until the pain had reached that 'I think I might literally be dying' point.) So there's like four nurses that kept badgering me to drink the water, stop vomiting, tell us when you last bled from your vagina, who's your sexual partner, etc.

Some important facts about me: I have never once had sex with a living man; the only sexytime friends I have are the ones made from rubber. I have a VERY irregular menstrual cycle, to the point where I once only had four periods in an entire year (I heavily suspect I have PCOS.) And I am a very fat woman with crippling social anxiety.

Those immutable facts didn't matter apparently.

Because despite being a 25 year old adult, the nurses apparently decided that I needed to be chided to about how "A lot of young girls don't want to tell us this information because they don't want to get in trouble."

...So that was fun, being assumed to be a total liar about my sexual history :)

And also very patronizing, to be lumped in with 'young girls'. Maybe those same 'young girls' also don't want to tell you shit because you're also being super patronizing and righteously to them too, did you ever think about that?

The entire visit was like that. It felt like getting teeth pulled, and trying to pull teeth in return.

"We can't give you any pain meds until we're sure you're not pregnant." "Unless I'm the next Vi grin Mary, I can guarantee you I Am Not. I feel like my stomach is going through a chipper shredder. May I at least have a low does of something?" ":) No. Wait here for another half hour without seeing one of us. There's a tiny child complaining of a tummy ache three doors down."

[That child walked out of there in five minutes. He'd just had really bad gas. I get the need to prioritize people based on the severity of what was/might be wrong with them, but that still kinda pissed me off. Especially because it still hadn't be explicitly ruled out that one of my internal organs hadn't exploded.]

Shocker, how the nurses got a little grumbly when my test came back completely negative, because OF COURSE IT DID, I LITERALLY TOLD YOU THAT MY VAGINA HAS NEVER SEEN A REAL DICK IN HER ENTIRE EXISTENCE.

Reminder that I was 25-26 when this was happening. NOT a teenager, and not even an age where I could be mistaken for being younger than I actually was. I was an adult woman, and I looked like an adult woman. Who also gave her date of birth on the paperwork they made her fill out.

Who they had refused to not perform a pregnancy test on despite my repeated refusal and instance that such a test was unnecessary.

[I double-checked this with the surgeon who actually took care of the problem, afterwards. I asked specifically if the pregnancy test was used to look for other problems or help determine a suspected diagnosis. They sometimes could, she said, but not for me. Not for any of the things that could have been wrong with me outside of pregnancy-related things. The test was 100% just to determine if i was knocked up, and thus completely useless. A waste of everyone's time.]

Those nurses straight up told me if I refused to give them a urine sample to test, there was nothing they could do for me and they would have to ask me to leave. I HAD to comply.

At that point, i was in so much pain (literally crying) and so mentally exhausted that I just gave up and did what they wanted. And, also, by that point, the fluids they'd been pumping into me had actually gathered enough for me to be able to give them my piss.

That was the first instance of this HOSPITAL refusing to listen to me.

The second was when they found out what was wrong, and sent me home with three days worth of pain meds to last until my primary OBGYN handled the problem.

Important note: I did not have an OBGYN. I had to figure out who in my area accepted my insurance and then call around asking if they were open to new patients.

Or, I would have had to call around, if there wasn't exactly one (1) Lady Part Doctor within 100 miles of my location that took my insurance. Who had not been open to accepting new patients.

I begged. I literally fucking begged this office.

Just this once, can one of your doctors figure out what's wrong with me and help me. I'll fucking pay out of pocket if you want me to, I'll pay double, I'll do anything, just please give me access to someone who can tell me what the fuck is going on and make the pain stop.

Because oh yeah, the hospital hadn't done that.

They didn't tell me what was wrong with me. They just said "You have gynecological issues that we can't treat. Contact your OBGYN and go to them. Bye."

There was zero mention of the 13 inch wide Ovarian cyst that these motherfuckers found on the ultrasound they did. A hugeass cyst that could pop at any point and was literally strangling my ovary to death. The pain? Yeah, that's why; my ovary was twisted so tight that blood couldn't get to it and it was DYING. That pain was my right ovary's death screams.

It took a week to get into the OBGYN office. [My ovary was unsalvageable by that point. Any longer, and it would have started to rot and give me sepsis.]

Luckily, the universe decided that I had suffered enough misfortune during this horrible situation, and threw me a miracle that I am still grateful for to this day: the main OBGYN doctor of the office I begged had agreed to see me.

Because apparently she had figured out what was likely wrong just from those ten minutes of talking to me on the phone, and had become concerned enough to want more information.

Also apparently, she was APPALLED that the hospital had ever let me walk out it's doors, because she very much considered this to be a huge emergency requiring surgery ASAP.

The problem being this fucking thing:

[Warning: Graphic]

Yeah, that was inside of me.

That is the Dermoid Cyst they pulled out of me. That red tubey thing on the right of the second pic? That WAS my ovary.

What had happened was that, that day, I had moved just wrong enough for it to then shift inside me and twist my ovary at the falopian tube. This thing was likely growing inside of me for most of my life, which is normal for dermoid cysts. They're just normally found before they're so big and also normally don't cause problems.

I forget the exact measurements they took of it, but I think it was even larger than they thought it was. I just default to 13 inches because that's how big she originally told it might be from the ultrasound imagining, and that number kinda fried my brain.

[It was noncancerous. Just full of normal Dermoid Cyst stuff, like hair, fat, puss, etc.]

I had that inside of me. For a full week. While it had twisted my ovary and strangled it to death.

AND THE HOSPITAL HAD DETERMINED THAT IT WAS THERE AND SENT. ME. HOME.

The OBGYN doctor who agreed to see me had been my savior. She was a godsend. Because she wasn't just an OBGYN, she was also a surgeon. She MADE room in her schedule to do surgery on me the very next day.

That was how concerned she was about this thing rupturing inside of me and KILLING ME.

BECAUSE YEAH, THAT WAS THE FIRE THAT I WAS APPARENTLY PLAYING WITH! THE DANGER THAT I HAD NO IDEA ABOUT. FUN!

[And she was such a kind person. She apologized no less than ten times for not being able to keep the incision smaller, because she knew it would scar. She had to go around my belly button just to fit this stupid thing out of me. I didn't care about that. A scar is a scar, they happen. The fact that she helped me to the degree she did when she literally didn't have to was all that mattered to me. She was the one who helped me through everything about this situation, and I will never forget her kindness. I am still thankful to her, even now.]

But you wanna know the kicker? The part that I still rage about, and thing that made me refuse to ever go back to that hospital even if i was literally dying?

She was a surgeon who partially worked at that same exact hospital.

And she had been there, that very night I had come in.

And she told me, "if someone had told me about this then, I would have come help you. I would have taken you on as a patient right then and there and squeezed you in sooner. Maybe not that night, specifically, but definitely the next day. There is no excuse for them to have sent you home like they did. They should have brought this case to my attention. Handling these types of surgeries and c-sections are all I do at this hospital. I don't know why ER hadn't let me know."

The double kicker? I had asked if there was anyone there who could help me at the time. And the hospital said no.

Had the ER staff contacted her and had I had the surgery a full week earlier, I would still have my right ovary. She could have saved it, it wouldn't have been too late.

The ability to have kids isn't important to me. I don't want to have babies, I don't like babies. The loss of one of my ovaries isn't a big deal to me.

But I am horrified to think how emotionally devastating that this situation could have been for someone who DID consider the ability to have children important.

And I just find it so very ironic, that the hospital that was so concerned about determining if I was up the duff to the point of causing me agony for hours is the same exact hospital that permanently affected my fertility.

Funny, that.

I did not feel like I was treated, medically, at that ER. I still don't, to this day. I didn't feel like a human person that was worth their time or sympathy, because no one there afforded me even the barest scraps of either.

They didn't listen to me. They didn't try to work with me to determine a plan of action. They didn't even tell me what was wrong with me. There was ZERO communication.

I don't know how the ER medical field works, I don't know if this is normal, if I'm just complaining out my ass and all the ER nurses and docs are currently rolling their eyes at me, I have no idea if I seem entitled or not. I thought I had behaved pretty reasonably and politely. I thought that my expectations of how I would be handled wasn't outrageous or illogical. Maybe I'm missing some context and the nuances of how the Emergency Room functions. This is the only time I've ever been there.

But if the above is normal...Fam, this ain't it. This isn't how you treat people. This shouldn't be how you treat people.

It never felt like I was being helped. Just like I was a problem and shouldn't be there. Like the only parts of me they saw were my vagina and uterus.

It's only coincidence that what was wrong with me was actually a problem with my female parts. Had it been a popped appendix like I thought it had been, how much longer would it have taken them to get there? Until I needed to be hospitalized for sepsis?

Or would they have contributed that to a problem with my vagina too?

Medically speaking, informed consent does not just apply to things you want done to you or for you, it also applies to things that you don't want done to you or things you don't want withheld from you.

I don't think a lot of people realize that, and I don't think a lot of medical professionals want to acknowledge that, because it means they would have to reevaluate the ethics of denying treatment to patients. Also they would have to reckon with their patients' agency and right to self-determination. Both of those things really freak some medpros out.

[txemrn]

Wounded

Book: TRR/TRH Post-series

Pairing: Liam Rys x MC (Riley Brooks-Rys)

Word count: ~2500

Song Inspo: "Wounded" - Maddie Wilson

Warning: for mature audience only; the TW are the plot twists in this story; if you are not sure if you want to read this and/or you are a fairly sensitive reader (nothing wrong with that!), scroll to the very end of this post (right above the tags) for a more specific list of TW

A/N: I am SUPER pumped to be participating in week 9 of @choicesflashfics prompt challenge! I chose prompt #3: “I don’t know what I thought was going to happen, but this was definitely not it.” The prompt will be in bold.

A/N 2: Most of the characters and some of the plot points belong to our friends at Pixelberry; HUGE thanks to my dear friend (and birthday girl) @sfb123 for pre-reading this for me. Please excuse my errors! Also, if you are curious about Royal Roulette: it's a fun little challenge you can do anytime for yourself! Take your music and hit mix! Take the first song that pops up, and use it as a muse for a fic! No need to credit me, but do tag me if you do it because I LOVE reading other RR!

~🖤~

(Present)

It's just past 8PM, and I find myself in the tiled coffin of my personal sanctuary: my shower. The balmy steam hides the evidence of my swollen, tear-stained cheeks, my own words replaced by wails of mercy. The sweltering water stings across my porcelain skin, the unbearable discomfort distracting from the emptiness, the nothingness of my shattered, lifeless heart.

Today. Of all days, why today?

If only my body didn't complicate things... 

If only my body did what it was supposed to do…

If only my body did what I was crowned to do…

Liam and I have spent over six years testing every last inch of my body for an answer. The simple answer is polycystic ovarian syndrome… if only life were that simple…

------

(Yesterday)

"PCOS isn't what it used to be, though. There are so many women living with it–myself included!" Savannah takes another bite of cake, and I've never been more grateful in all my life for the reprieve from her voice. This is my fourth time hearing this speech about PCOS, and how the diagnosis is taken 'too seriously'. I mean, afterall, we are at her baby shower for Beaumont baby number two. And three. "They gave me the same talk, blah blah blah, percent this and that, and after taking Clomid for only two months," she smiles joyfully, massaging her rounded belly.

I fake a smile, shoveling some fruit salad in my mouth in hopes of keeping my sharp tongue quiet. I'm happy for her; I really am. .

But she's also never lost a baby. Or three.

Two months? 'Only' two months? God…

Liam and I have been prescribed every drug on the market to conceive; we've even tried more natural, holistic remedies, like crushed up superfoods and tree roots, tiny needles being stuck in my eyelids and in between my toes, religious relics and crystals

God, if you've never experienced humility before, the struggle with infertility will strip you bare of any pride left in your body, and after six different specialists, we finally resorted to my biggest–our biggest fear: in vitro fertilization.

But, IVF might actually be the answer to our infertility story.

As Savannah answers more intrusive pregnancy questions about her own body from our close family and friends, my mind disengages. Shielding the bright sun from my eyes, I look across the palace's heavily-decorated back lawn. Soft petal pink and pearl-colored balloons litter the divine scenery.  Signage that boasts kitschy baby phrases seem to be multiplying before my eyes. 

I feel a sudden shift in the atmosphere, one that is making me feel– I don't know… funny? I don't feel like myself. In fact, I'm starting to feel slightly ill.

An abrupt piercing shrill of pressure shoots through my temples as my breathing quickens. A trickle of sweat courses down my back as everything begins to spin wildly around me. The laughter of the group of women I'm with becomes sinister and terrifying.  

I need to get out of here…

"What an exquisite group of lovely ladies!"  

Leo Rys, my ever-charming, newly-divorced brother-in-law. He is well-trained in managing a crowd, but the heart-throb is a master at wooing a very specific demographic: women. 

Case in point. 

"Sav," he tenderly takes her hand in his, "you look absolutely radiant. Where is that foolish husband of yours, leaving your beautiful self alone–" he slows down his flirting rampage, and I instantly look up, making contact with those familiar Rys crystal-blue eyes. He mouths, 'Are you okay?' before taking out his phone, no doubt to text Liam. "'Scuse me, ladies," Leo nods with a forced, jubilant grin. 

With a skip in his step, my brother-in-law takes a knee while placing a tender touch on my clammy arm. "You're looking a little green there, sis," his lips curl softly as he pushes back my careless wisps.

"Kermit the Frog did warn us that it's not easy being green,'' I chuckle. The vibrations of my voice soothe my slightly queasy stomach. I relax further into my chair, fanning myself as I pull my oversize sunglasses over my eyes. "I'm fine," I grin cheekily, welcoming a sudden cool breeze over my skin.

His phone chimes. "Eh… negatory," he snickers under his breath, holding out his hand for me to take it. "The queen has been summoned to his majesty's presence." 

Damnit, what did he say to him?

"You better not be making my husband worry about me–"

"Someone needs to keep an eye on your bad self," Leo jokingly winks. "C'mon."

And maybe it was a good thing for me to get away from those women, to get away from this party and out of the sun. I do have a lot on my mind as well–too much actually. Enough to make anyone unwell. 

I hate exiting groups earlier than expected.  I just… I just know the inevitable will happen when I leave: they will talk about Liam and me. Worse, they will look at us as if… as if we're wounded.

Gone are the days of hailing us as the 'it' couple… 

Gone are the days of discussing our bright future…

Gosh, I really don't feel all too well as I stand up with Leo's assistance, but we make it inside the palace to a secluded sunroom. Bracing myself, I ease into a lounge chair while Leo helps me prop up my feet.

He really is a kind man, much like Liam. I hope he knows how much his return to Cordonia has meant to us as a family, especially his brother. Sure, we have staff that can help us with the countless doctor's appointments and emergency trips to the hospital, but these are intimate times that should be spent with family. And I'm glad it's with Leo.

"Are you okay, love?"  Liam appears at the opposite end of the quarters. Worry is etched across his face as he slowly saunters to my side. "I got here as soon as I–"

I wave my hands in the air. "I'm fine, babe. I think I just got a little overheated," I playfully roll my eyes. 

He lets out a slow exhale, wiping the perspiration off of my forehead. "You know better–"

"I know, I know," I raise my hands in surrender as he kisses my head. He's always watching me closely, so carefully, especially with so many hormones pumping through my veins.

"I'll leave you two alone," Leo clicks his tongue as he casually shoves his fists into his khaki shorts. "Text me."

Liam stops him, leaning in closely to whisper, "Grab us some seltzers please. And crackers." Leo nods as Liam makes himself comfortable next to me. 

I sit up, adjusting the pillows around my husband before I quickly find the crook of his arm. My crook. By the time I am settled, my gaze is happily met by his.

God, I love him. 

Even after all of this time, he still looks at me like I'm the only woman in the room. He doesn't see my shortcomings as a wife or as a queen. He sees me… and still loves me. 

I study his face, counting the fine lines around his eyes. He's beautiful, but this has taken quite the toll on us, aging us both. I reach up to caress the perfectly smooth skin of his jaw, my thumb tracing over his dry lips.

He pulls my hand from his face, peppering the inside of my wrist with sweet kisses. He finally rests my palm on his chest, weaving his finger through mine. 

I hate that it takes loss to make us appreciate life more, but watching each rise and fall of our hands reminds me that right now, in this moment, we have each other. And each heartbeat, each breath is to be cherished.

Suddenly, we hear a voice clear behind us. "Are you not well, your majesty?"  Gretchen, our part-time nurse, carries a tray of snacks and seltzers into the sunroom.

"Oh, Ms. Gretchen," I quickly wipe away my tears, brightening to her approach. "We're fine." 

She is an older woman who actually helped care for Liam's mother in her pregnancies, and also for his father in the end. Liam trusts her, and he thought hiring her would be immensely helpful to us right now. 

And he was right; she's been a perfect angel. I don't know what I would've done without her help.

"Leo told me what happened." She pulls up an end table, setting the wooden tray down. "It’s too early for your medicine, but I figured some refreshing snacks might be in order."

"Mmmm," I hum with approval as Liam helps me sit up. "This looks absolutely perfect. Thank you."

Gretchen kindly bows before excusing herself.

I grab a piece of toast, spreading some fresh apple-butter on top. "Have you eaten today?" I pass him a ginger ale as I take a sip of my drink. 

I abruptly stop fumbling with the tray when I feel his steely-stare boring holes into me. I glance once, then twice as I watch a large Cheshire grin crawl across his mouth.

"What?" I chuckle as I take a bite of my toast. "You have trouble written all over that face."

He wiggles his eyebrows as he pulls me safely back into his arms, our lips instantly meeting. His tongue swipes eagerly in my mouth. "Baby!" I squeal, pushing back from him as I wipe the corners of my mouth.

He snickers, swiping his thumb across his lips before sucking on it. "Mmmm," he quietly moans, "just what I thought."  I raise my eyebrows in curiosity. "That's the best damn apple-butter I've ever tasted." He tenderly squeezes my bottom as I claim his lips again. And again.

I love this man.

I rest my head back on his chest, listening to the deep thrumming of his heart. My home. We lay in perfect silence, watching the shadows shift throughout the afternoon glow.

But as the sun sinks lower into the earth, I feel my body cling tighter to Liam.

"What are you thinking?" he whispers gravelly.

Damn him. He knows me too well. I reposition myself, sitting up on my side. My eyes begin to sting as tears threaten to fall.  I grip his shirt as his fingertips lightly trace the freckles on the back of my arm.

"About tomorrow," I quietly exhale.

"The doctor's appointment?" He drops his hands to my lower abdomen, giving it a hopeful caress.

Overwhelmed with emotion, I can only nod my head, my breath hitching in my chest as I nuzzle into his shoulder.  

Damnit, why us? 

"Riley," he croons, enveloping his arms around me. His fingertips become lost in my waves as his lips press intimately against the shell of my ear.

"I–I'm so scared, baby," I whisper, my voice rattled with hoarseness as I wrap my arms around him.

"Shhh," he pulls me closer.  He gently rocks my body, a hand tracing soft figure-eights across me back. "Me too."

------

It's early. Liam and I sit in the doctor's office, waiting for her to return with our test results so we can form the next plan of action for our family. 

I've been sick most of the morning, my nerves getting the best of me. But Liam remains steadfast, my rock. He's been reassuring me all morning, wiping my anxious tears away. He refuses to let go of my hand. 

A child needs a father like him; this can't be the end of our journey. It… it just can't be.

We hear a click, and Dr. Nguyen walks into the room with a thick file folder. I can't read her as she takes a seat, but suddenly, I see my husband's knee begin to anxiously bounce.

She finally makes eye contact with us, revealing her swollen, red eyes as if she's been crying for days. She clears her throat, dabbing at her cheeks. "Your majesties, I–" she stops to gain control of herself. “I don’t know what I thought was going to happen, but this was definitely not it.”

Her voice trails off as a subtle ringing forms in my ears, and suddenly, everything seems to be moving in slow motion. Liam let's go of my hand; he rests his elbows on his knees, burying his face in his hands.

I take a deep breath, shaking my head. What just happened? I've missed something. I frantically look between my husband and his oncologist. "I–I'm sorry. What?"

"I'm sorry, your majesty," she swallows back the lump in her throat having to deliver the news again. "The cancer? It–it didn't respond to the treatment. And from his scan last week, there are new spots on his kidneys, liver and lungs."

I blink a couple of times, feeling as though I don't know what all of this means. Because it can't possibly mean what I think she is saying.

He's not dying. He can't be dying…

"So," I swallow thickly, "you have a plan. Right?"

"Well," the physician folds her hands on the desk. "We… can… make him as comfortable as possible–"

"I'm sorry," I interrupt. "Are you–are you saying that my husband...?" I pause as I gasp for a morsel of air. "The love of my life is, that he... he's–?" I clamp my hand over my mouth. No, I can't-- I refuse to say it.

But through the blur of my tears, I see the truth.

She’s nodding.

------

(Present)

"Riley?"

I break from my thoughts as I turn towards the deep voice. There at the entrance to the shower towers the most handsome man I have ever seen… or will ever see. His golden curls have been gone for months; he and his best friends shaved their heads when he first started chemotherapy a year ago. His shoulders are still broad, but with his colon resection and loss of appetite, he's thinned out quite a bit.

He is weaker; his skin has weathered.  But he's still my Liam. Even in all of this, he remains my North Star, my hope and my strength.

Which is why I can't get out of the shower. Not yet.

He flashes me a crooked smile, handing me a towel. "C'mon, love," he turns off the shower.

I carefully stand up, wrapping the towel around my damp body.  Liam extends his large hand towards me, my petite grip finding his palm. He leads me out of the shower and twirls me into an embrace, my back against his chest.

He buries kisses into my hair and across my shoulders. "I need you," he lovingly growls.

Then he tenderly drops his hands to my growing, pregnant belly. "And I need you too, my little peanut."

My poor husband… how do I do this?

Without warning, a rush of agony roars around my 22-week abdomen, the abrupt sharp pain causing me to double-over. I grab onto the sink in front of me as I groan from the intense throbbing.

This can't be happening.

"Riley?" Liam steps out of the bathroom, and hollers down the hallway. "Leo! We need help!" He takes me back into his arms. "What is it? What's wrong?"

The pain subsides, and I begin to sob. I can't look at him. 

Today. Of all days, why today?

"Liam," I choke out , "my water broke."

~🖤~

TAGS (updated 09/2022; please let me know if you wish to be added/removed):

PERMA

@21-wishes @alj4890 @ao719 @charlotteg234 @issabees @kat-tia801 @kingliam2019 @mainstreetreader @mom2000aggie @neotericthemis @nikirennie87 @peonierose @socalwriterbee @tessa-liam

ALL TRR

@3pawandme @alyshak92 @iaminlovewithtrr @lovingchoices14 @malblk21 @rubiwalker @sfb123 @twinkleallnight

***

TRIGGER WARNINGS: discussion of infertility; discussion of cancer; insinuation of a major character death; miscarriage

***

[rinielsaerwen]

Are you a woman with PCOS?

Do you have doctors who tell you to get on "the pill" while giving little to no further information?

Have you considered going gluten free and making other changes to your diet?

Has a doctor ever told you that by your diet you are either helping or hurting yourself in regard to PCOS?

*Disclaimer: I am not a doctor. I am not in the medical field. This is medical advice I have recieved and am passing on*

PSA: I am not saying this will work for everyone. This made a huge positive impact on my health and well-being; I am posting this in case something here can help someone else.

Go gluten free as soon as you can

Your cyst(s) feed on gluten. Gluten is what causes a cyst to enlarge to the point of bursting.

I've been there--I was rushed to the hospital because I was puking and in excruciating pain--don't wait for that happen.

Cysts can also cause insulin resistance--this can lead to diabetes.

You might have insulin resistance if you feel dizzy and/or get blackouts when you've had too much sugar; this is because your body doesn't break down/process sugar like it needs to.

Which means you also have to go sugar free.

You will also need to start taking probiotics daily.

This is what I get:

They key to choosing a probiotic is the bacteria makeup.

The bacteria makeup you are looking for is:

Lactobacillus acidophilus

Bifidobacterium lactis

*You do not need a prescription from a doctor to get these*

My cousin (left) gets them from her doctor, I get mine (right) in the grocery store pharmacy. You can also find these online.

Because this is a live bacteria, just like yogurts, they will be in a refrigerated section in the pharmacy and need to remain in the refrigerator at all times.

I get the kids bottle because the 'adult' capsules cost ~$40 for a bottle that lasts 30 days--the kids ones work just as good and only cost me $10. My cousin also takes the kid ones from time to time.

GOING GLUTEN FREE

You can find a lot in stores now that are gluten free. Take a look at your grocery store isles.

My grocery store has an orange label on the shelf for most gluten-free products in the store. I went up and down every isle to find what I can have.

You can find gluten-free bread and bagels in the frozen section. **These can be high in carbs - for those of you keeping track**

Canyon House is one of the best. The bread is great for toast or sandwiches and they make great bagels.

Schar's is good as well--I like their ciabatta rolls for sandwhiches and I prefer their hot dog and hamburger buns over other brands.

*Your bread will need to remain frozen, unless you can go through it pretty quickly--it will mold faster than regular bread*

PSA--separate the bread slices and cut your bagels before feezing--this way you don't have to wait for your bread to thaw to get a slice or two.

Barilla makes gluten-free pasta--it tastes the same as their regualar pasta.

Good Thin or Nut Thin crackers are pretty good. I eat them with slices of cheese.

Lean Cuisine and Smart Ones have gluten free options if you need a quick meal.

Amy's is also a good brand to follow--almost every single product they have is gluten free. Fun fact: Amy is the daughter of the founders of the brand who is gluten intolerant and so her parents made gluten free products in her honor :)

Mission makes gluten free corn and spinach tortillas.

Rice flour or almond flour are good substitutes when you are baking--however, these tend to be pricy.

Tapioca flour is also a good substitute if you find that rice or almond flours are dense

**For cooking/baking make sure you have gluten free spray. Some cooking oils (like PAM) have flour in them so it's good to check. Avacado Oil spray is good to have on hand, or something natural.

WHEN YOU ARE SHOPPING KEEP IN MIND THAT THINGS GET MISPLACED AND PUSHED AROUND--DON'T PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR CART WITHOUT CONFIRMING ON THE PRODUCT PACKAGE THAT IT IS GLUTEN FREE. (I almost grabbed non GF waffles because they were in the wrong spot--always check!)

GOING SUGAR FREE

This does not mean no sugar ever for the rest of your life.

This means moniter the types of sugar you are consuming.

Sugar off the shelf = bad sugar

Fruits = good sugar

Honey or agave = good sugar

Honey, agave, or coconut sugar are good substitutes if you are baking.

Avoid Swerve and Truvia if you can--these are not real sugars and can be bad for you.

Something I've noticed with box mixes--I can find gluten free, and I can find sugar free, but it's hard to find a mix that is both gluten and sugar free.

So if you want to bake anything--it will probably be from scratch where you can substitute the ingredients.

Natural sugars are great.

These are healthy for you and come in the forms of fruits, berries, honey, and agave.

I keep a trail mix for myself made up of peanuts, pistachios, and banana chips. (Sometimes I mix in some sugar free chocolates)

I keep oranges, bananas, and apples on hand.

I also love apple chips--these are easy to make at home.

If you can't live in a world without ice cream (like me lol) Enlightend Keto is your new best friend. This is a very low sugar (<1g), gluten-free ice cream sold in pints. It's delicious :)

Breyer's also makes low sugar flavors (4g)

**I still keep sugary things on hand only for when my blood sugar drops and I need a boost - juice is great to keep in the fridge. Sometimes I grab gluten free cookies or sugar coated peanuts.**

*********************************

Beans and rice are good options to keep in your pantry

Tuna and other fish is a great option.

Yogurts are healthy---just be sure to check the sugar content and that it is gluten-free. Athough you can find sugar free yogurts if you prefer.

Sugar free jams, jellies, or preserves are delicious - and you can make your own :)

Gluten free soups--Amy's has a lot of lentil and bean options, and Progresso has a good variety.

If you need electrolytes during the day, Gatorade zero or Powerade zero are good options.

Tea is great. Iced tea in bottles has a lot of sugars - I avoid it unless I feel like I need a sugar boost.

Meats are A-okay.

MY EXPERIENCE

Before I tried all of this my day to day experience was:

Feeling like crap after every meal. I could eat a pb&j and feel heavy, experience stomach pain, and overall just be uncomfortable.

It was like this for nearly every meal. Nearly everything I ate.

If I had something sugary I would get dizzy, my vision would start to go dark, and I had to sit down until I felt okay.

My periods were heavy and painful. I used to take a day and lie down. Not get up because that was painful - and use a heating pad for hours just to get some relief.

It was recommended that I try changing my diet for 6 months and to see how I felt. It's been 1 year now, and here is how it affected me:

After 1 day-

*no bloating

*no stomach pains

*no discomfort

*no dizziness

After 1 week-

*I physically feel lighter, there was no "full" feeling--I was satisfied without feeling heavy

*I gained weight (only 2-3 pounds)

*I was having reactions to some dairy, so I switched to almond milk and cut out some other dairy

After 2 weeks-

*my body started to adjust to the new diet--your body is getting cleaned out, and your gut and digestive system is going to feel it - in a good way

*I lost weight--those stubborn pounds I had struggled to lose started to come off (daily exercise helps)

*No discomfort at all after a meal :)

After 1 month-

*My cycle was almost 3 weeks late after being regular for a few years (other women report this as well when going gluten free-it's normal as you adjust). I didn't have as much cramping as usual, I didn't spend my day in and out of the bathroom, I wasn't doubled over in pain, my period was lighter--I didn't have one heavy day and then a few light days; it was consistent and manageable. I laid on the floor when I needed to for short periods for relief and occaisonally walked around the house. Overall I was fine :)

2 months-

*My cycle was one week later than expected. I had less pain than the previous one, in fact, it was easy to block out.

*I've been noticing changes in my body. My waist is smaller and more accentuated - I feel more confident and my clothes are flattering :) I haven't been gaining back the weight that I lost. (Daily exercise helps)

*I'm sensitive to greasy foods like potato chips and bacon :P

3-6 months-

As a personal choice, I stopped eating bread--gluten free or otherwise--I stick to corn tortillas when I do have bread. I still put jam, peanut butter, and cream cheese on them.

I eat a lot of fruit and vegetables. They're delicious, and I feel so much better throughout the day.

1 year-

I've lost weight faster than I have when I was actively trying to lose weight. At the beginning of the year I was a size 10 - I recently went dress shopping with my sister for her wedding(!) and a size 6 fit like a glove. (I haven't been a size 6 since middle school)

I'm learning new ways to bake and cook - I've been doing more cooking, it feels great to have a fresh meal with ingredients that won't make me sick :)

I don't get terrible cramps anymore (that only happened once this year). My period is light and only lasts 4-5 days, as opposed to 5-7 days.

The only other thing that I can say is to try this for 6 months and see how you feel.

Again, I am not a doctor or in the medical field.

Following this regime changed my life - hopefully this can help someone else. :)

[mithliya]

Hello Menalez! I'm here to ask you if it's possible to be stressed without really knowing it?

I'm asking this because I live in Saudi Arabia, and I'm wondering why my periods are coming every half-year instead of every month like they used to. Then I realized that my periods were completely normal when I was living in a country safer for me (I am bisexual) but became irregular when I was here. I also realized that I had a huge increase in appetite, and am much less interested in doing things like spending time with my family, or trying to make friends.

I always thought I was handling this situation of living in Saudi Arabia and being bisexual very well, but perhaps not? I'm not sure. I know that you're a lesbian and grew up in Bahrain (btw I love bahraini girls! You girls are so cute 😍) so maybe you would know a lot about this? Thank you! have a nice day and remember to drink water ملكة

firstly before i answer ur actual question…you really need to go get yourself checked about your period!! you might have PCOS or various other health issues. seriously it’s very important. if ur period is irregular GO TO THE GYNO!! i know in the gulf especially it’s kinda taboo to even get checked but it’s for ur own good and im pretty sure those services do exist. ik i mentioned PCOS tho but also stress can make ur periods irregular, tho to my knowledge once every 6 months is beyond what stress usually does. there’s probably something larger going on at this point

from what you’re saying tho it’s very clear to me that you’re quite stress and perhaps suppressing it a bit or maybe keeping yourself distracted so you haven’t rly gotten the chance to process it. what you mentioned can all also indicate a depressive episode or just having full-on depression even. im with u sis, it’s depressing living in the gulf especially as a woman and double especially if you’re a ssa woman and then triple especially if you’re a lesbian (and if you’re a dark skinned woman that’s another layer of it being depressing, it goes on…). when i was trapped in bahrain, i made a lesbian-only server and got subscriptions to lesbian magazines and did all i could to find other lesbians in the country, or talk to other lesbians online. it sounds stupid but it actually really helped me with the isolation & loneliness & anxiety i felt being a lesbian while in bahrain. one of the good but weird things about saudi is that it has a massive underground gay culture. do u know any lesbians or bi women in saudi? could u ask them to redirect you to this underground community? idk if you’d want to be a part of that since it’s not particularly safe tho but.. that’s also an option if you’re willing to take a risk. besides that, GET BACK TO UR FRIENDS & FAMILY!!! they are your support system, they can help you feel less alone and less detached when ur going thru this difficult time. open up to them and let them look out for u!

thank u for the reminder to drink water and for calling me queen ❤️تحملي في نفسش

[postwarlevi]

Fruit Salad

"Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad."

🍐 about me and rules 🍑

Hello! I am Eliza! I'm in my 30s, use pronouns she/her, was born 8/15 making me a Leo (pretty sure that's wrong though haha) and am ISFP-T. English speaking and I'm learning ASL.

The main rules here? Keep it SFW and be nice!

This is my only blog and is AOT focused with some of my other likes thrown in at times and interactions like tag games. I write mainly for Levi and have started to write for Jean. Sometimes other characters are included as well.

As stated this is a SFW space with at times possible slightly suggestable content, but nothing to worry about! Though I may read NSFW stories, at this time they will not be shared here to keep it open for everyone.

What do I mean by slightly suggestable? Well, things I'm pretty sure you could find in a young adult novel! So, for example, certain phrases sometimes, like, "you can't do that, you know what it does to me." Or, touches, like fingers starting on a shoulder and making their way downwards, to other areas. Or, being placed in a 1940s Hollywood movie, where it's obvious the characters are into each other, and go towards the bedroom and close the door behind them. And that's where you just know the rest (probably!).

I'll tag anything I think might qualifies, but that's going to be the worst of it, if you will. Like I said, no worse than a novel aimed at ages 12 to 17!

There's lots of fluff around here with the occasional angsty piece and a lot is modern AU. While I take suggestions and like interactions I still don't really do requests, mainly because I don't want to disappoint and make sure I feel motivated to give something worthy of the ask. And sometimes I can get burned out!

Other things I like include classic movies/Disney movies, music from the 50s to today, baking and healthy eating, going to outdoor markets, game shows like Jeopardy, tv shows like The 100, Glee and The Nanny, animal planet, reading, family, napping and staying cool in the heat.

I like to travel and don't get to as often as I would like. My big spots I want to get to are Italy and Australia. Which is funny because I much more prefer cooler climates!

I was diagnosed with PCOS a long time ago and don't mind talking about it.

I love best friends to lovers with Jean, cat dad Levi, and am very interested in Levi x deaf character stories and hope to get my own done at some point!

Reminder, my inbox is open and I hope to see you around!

PS- incase you would like to see it, here's the link to my old pinned post which tumblr won't let me do anything with!

Main page

[slashersins-abandoned]

anonymous asked :

hey! i absolutely adore your writing and i was wondering if i could request the slashers with an s/o who has some facial hair (from PCOS) and how they would act with someone who has that? i have it and i am extremely insecure about it, constantly doing things to remove it. if this makes you uncomfortable feel free to skip! thank you ❤️

pcos buddies ! my wife an i both have pcos , so we understand your struggle . i’m not sure on the different ranges of facial hair that happens as i only know what my wife and i go through . typically we get those thick black hairs all over our chin that we pluck out constantly . so i def feel you , and this doesn’t make me uncomfortable at all . pcos is a serious thing and effects a lot of people in a lot of different ways . so i’m actually pretty pumped to do this !

( okay so i was gonna do these slashers indivually , but it’s kind of repetitive bc some of them have the same views , so ima do them in groups ! )

thomas & bubba & jason & brahms

these three are the ones who honestly support you and love you and didn’t think that your facial hairs were an issue until you brought it up . whether it was soft long hairs on your cheeks or short stubby dark hairs on your chin , they never really thought twice about it . as long as you are happy and safe . but clearly , you aren’t happy . you might break down , feel ugly at times , and oh - these boys under stand that . and they hate that you are going through it . do you want to pluck those dark hairs off your chin , but you can’t see them ? let them help . do you want to shave those baby soft peach fuzzies off your cheeks ? they’ll find you a razor and help teach you so you don’t nick or hurt yourself . do you need reassurance that you’re utterly beautiful , hair or not ? they’ll be the ones holding your face , kissing your lips , nuzzling your cheeks . making sure you know how beautiful you are in their eyes .

jesse

this boy is rich . you have pcos ? you’re getting the best doctors , the best treatment . are you worried he won’t find you attractive if you have facial hair ? excuse you that’s an insult . he is the type of man who gets what he wants and he’s vain as hell , so you best bet that if he has you , it’s because he wants you as you are . do you hate your facial hair ? do you want it gone ? jesse will get you lazer hair removal surgery . he doesn’t care , just as long as you aren’t hiding that pretty face from him , so long as he doesn’t find you trying to painfully pull deep rooted hairs out of your face , as long as you don’t glare at your reflection . you’re a certified babe to him . he wants to take care of you , any way he can .

billy & stu

let’s get to the point , these two are assholes . they don’t mean to be . but they are . stu would more than likely point out your facial hair and make some comment he thought was funny while billy runs his fingers over the hairs . it hurts your feelings , it really does . and they are fucking taken aback at them selves for hurting you like this . honestly they meant it as a joke , they didn’t know it was such a sensitive topic . the two of them are more than likely going to stop joking about it . hell , billy reads up about pcos and forces stu to learn too so they can both understand better . they’ll try to make up for their words and actions that hurt you . and then maybe they;ll try to make a fun approach to how you deal with it . do you want to shave ? looks like its all three of you having a shave party . wanna wax ? fuck it , it’s gonna hurt but if you’re suffering , they’re suffering , need help getting a pesky dark thick hair off your chin but have no tweezers ? one of these boys are gonna be using his teeth to get it out .

michael

michael notices everything . he stalks you , he goes through your mail , he has no sense of privacy or personal space if it’s not his . so he finds out rather quickly that you have pcos . he finds your medications , if you have any , he looks over the side affects listed . he’s curious . and nosy . you can’t really hide much from him . but that also means he sees it every time you pick at your hair . and it annoys him . he’ll start grabbing your hands when you go to brush over the slight patch of new growth you haven’t been able to get rid of yet , holding your grip tight . you want them plucked out ? michael is precise every time . you want it shaved off ? michael will steal a high quality barber’s shave knife , cream the works , and shave you . something about doing it so intimate and possessive .

[jbbarnesnnoble]

JBBarnesNNoble's 2nd Annual Mental Health Awareness Month Challenge 2021

Hello lovely people! And welcome to the 2nd Annual Mental Health Awareness Month Writing Challenge. The aim of this challenge is to shine a light on mental health, medical conditions, and the things that can have impacts on us. This started out initially being a PCOS Awareness challenge last year but through conversations with other writers over Discord, it evolved into a Mental Health Awareness Month Writing Challenge last year. I’m reusing some of the unused prompts from last year’s challenge and adding in some new ones!

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. The goal of this challenge is to lift each other up, and show that it’s okay not to be okay. Spread some love and light during a challenging time in the world to those who struggle with chronic illness, depression, anxiety, self-esteem issues, grief, PCOS, acceptance from their families and communities for being LGBT+, and anyone struggling with insecurity.

This challenge will run through July 31st, 2021. It will run through Mental Health Awareness Month, Pride Month, and the month of July to give people time to write. You can submit it at any time. I probably have too many prompts, but I wanted to ensure that there was a wide array to choose from. Please don’t hesitate to message me if I haven’t interacted with your fic after a few days! Sometimes the tag system doesn’t work and I miss things!

The Rules:

1. Utilize resources available online if you’re dealing with subject matter you’re not that familiar with. I’m not going to go all “cite sources” on y’all, but please do make sure to do your research. Writing about some of these issues can be hard if you don’t have first hand knowledge of how it can affect you. The goal of this challenge is to write about topics that we tend to shy away from, that many of us struggle with, from mental health struggles to chronic illnesses to low-self esteem. A gentle reminder that if you think writing about a subject will be triggering for you, please look after yourself first.

2. Use #JBBNNMHAM21 to tag your fic

3. Dark!Fic- Due to the subject matter involved in this challenge, please don’t submit dark!fic. I enjoy dark fics, but this challenge isn’t the place for them.

4. Smut- Smut is welcome! Make sure you tag it appropriately.

5. No inc*st, dubcon/noncon, underage, etc

6. Ships- I prefer reader inserts, but show me what ya got.

7. NO JOHN WALKER FICS. Please. Please no. I beg of you.

8. Selecting Prompts: Just let me know which one you want to do! 2 people per prompt! The song prompts have a line from them under it. You DO NOT need to use the line in your submission! It’s mostly to help you decide if you’re interested in a song before you take a listen to it.

You also can alter the sentence and dialogue prompts as needed for grammar, be it altering the pronouns used or changing the pluralization of a word.

9. Trigger Warnings: Use warnings as needed. Fics dealing with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, or other mental health issues should be tagged appropriately to ensure that readers that may be triggered by the subject matter can avoid the fic. Trigger warnings are non-negotiable

The prompts are under the cut!

Prompts:

Dialogue Prompts:

“I feel like if I let go, if I move on, I’ll only be proving them right.”

“I don’t know. Am I? Because from where I’m standing it’s pretty damn clear that’s how you see me.”

“You don’t believe that do you? Tell me you don’t. Please.”

“It’d probably be easier if you left”

“Please leave me alone”

“Everyone’s got broken pieces. Some have more, some have less. It doesn’t make you less of a person to have those broken pieces.” @nekoannie-chan

“If it’s okay with you, I’ll take that shake now.”

“What’s the point if I’m going to end up breaking that promise too?”

“You sure about that, moonman?”

“It made you smile though. And that will always be a win in my book.”

“That’s not true. And I will tell you that every day of your life until you believe me.”

Sentence Prompts:

Feel free to adjust the pronouns as needed

It was a day. It was the only way it could be described.

Summer had a smell that reminded her of innocence and a time long since past.

In that moment, the world stopped spinning on its axis as it all shattered down around her.

Some things, there would never be a way to understand. @justrunamok

Like shattered glass, in that moment the illusion was broken.

Forever was a lie, just like everything else.

If you had another condescending doctor tell you your problem wasn’t a problem you were going to scream.

They’d say it was easy, like riding a bike. Except, you never learned how to ride a bike in the first place.

Today was going to be good. It had to be.

It didn’t take a genius to figure out that this was going south.

AU and Trope Prompts:

Soulmate @samsgoddess

College

Childhood Friends @tellmealovestory

Friends to Lovers

Enemies to Lovers

Musicians

Writer

Professional Athlete

Teacher

Coffee Shop

Fake Dating

Accidental Marriage

Royal

Librarian

Doctor

Song Prompts:

1. Nobody Ever Told You - Carrie Underwood

Lyric Snippet: “Wish you could see yourself the way I do. Nobody ever told you, nobody ever told you. Shine like a diamond, glitter like gold, and you need to know what nobody ever told you”

2. Missing You - All Time Low

Lyric Snippet: “And if you need a friend, I’ll help you stitch up your wounds. I heard that you’ve been, having some trouble finding your place in the world. I know how much that hurts. But if you need a friend, then please just say the word.”

3. Barefoot and Bruised - Jamestown Story

Lyric Snippet: “Maybe when your sky comes crashing down, I can be your angel on the ground. If you get tired and can’t go on, I will carry you along, when the rocks below your feet wear out your shoes, when you’re barefoot and bruised”

4. Hold On Till May- Pierce the Veil

Lyric Snippet: “If were you, I’d put that away. See you’re just wasted and thinking about the past again. Darling, you’ll be okay.”

5. If I Surrender - Citizen Soldier

Lyric Snippet: “If I surrender, surrender, to the monsters in me, will it set me free?”

6. Home - Machine Gun Kelly, X Ambassadors, Beba Rexha

Lyric Snippet: “All these miles, feet, inches, they can’t add up to the distance that I have been through just to get to a place where even if there’s no closure I’m still safe. I still ache from trying to keep pace. Somebody give me a sign, I’m starting to lose faith”

7. Broken Arrows - Daughtry

Lyric Snippet: “The best of intentions I lay at your feet. And I need you to see past the worst part of me.”

8. Used - Serious Matters

Lyric Snippet: “The wounds are gone and the pain still lingers. But this time I won’t stand by, I don’t need you in my life”

9. According to You - Orianthi

Lyric Snippet: “According to you, I’m stupid, I’m useless, I can’t do anything right”

10. Let It Land - Tonight Alive

Lyric Snippet: “And everything we hate is something we just bought along the line”

11. Cold As You - Taylor Swift

Lyric Snippet: “You put up walls and paint them all a shade of grey. And I stood there loving you and wished them all away. And you come away with a great little story, of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you”

12. Tied Together with a Smile - Taylor Swift

Lyric Snippet: “Hold on, baby you’re losing it. The water’s high, you’re jumping into it, and letting go, and no one knows. That you cry but you don’t tell anyone that you might not be the golden one. And you’re tied together with a smile, but you’re coming undone.”

13. Human Interaction - Tonight Alive

Lyric Snippet: “I don’t know love. I don’t know hate. I am numb. Wish I could find the words to say. Asking please, as colors fade. I need to breathe. Before I turn the world to grey.”

14. Therapy - All Time Low

Lyric Snippet: “Give me therapy, I’m a walking travesty, but I’m smiling at everything. Therapy you were never a friend to me, and you can keep all your misery”

15. Scars - Alison Iraheta

Lyric Snippet: “Do you know how hard I’ve tried to become what you want me to be. Take me, this is all that I’ve got, this is all that I’m not, all that I’ll ever be. I got flaws, I got faults, keep searching for your perfect heart. It doesn’t matter who you are, we’ve all got our scars”

16. Hurts to Know - 1551

Lyric Snippet: “I can’t remember what I did to earn you by my side. I can’t surrender. I’ll fight as long as you’re in my life”

17. Spinning Bottles - Carrie Underwood

Lyric Snippet: “He’s in a hotel room, with the tv on. Getting lost in the static with the curtains drawn, knowing this could be the time that gets her gone for good, he’d quit if he could. But one down, two down, three down, four, can’t even recognize the man in the mirror anymore”

18. Praying - Kesha

Lyric Snippet: “Well you were wrong and now the best is yet to come. ‘Cause I can make it on my own. And I don’t need you, I found a strength I’ve never known.”

19. Jersey On the Wall (I’m Just Asking) - Tenille Townes

Lyric Snippet: “If I ever get to heaven, you know I got a long list of questions. Like how do you make a snowflake, are you angry when the earth quakes? How does the sky change in a minutes, how do you keep this big rock spinning? Why can’t you stop a car from crashing? Forgive me, I’m just asking”

20. Five More Minutes - Scotty McCreery

Lyric Snippet: “Time rolls by, the clock don’t stop. I wish I had a few more drops of the good stuff, the good times. Oh, but they just keep on flying right on by like it ain’t nothing, wish I had me a, a pause button. Moments like those, Lord knows I’d hit it. Give myself five more minutes”

21. Dad’s Old Number - Cole Swindell

Lyric Snippet: “Sometimes I forget, these ten digits ain’t my lifeline anymore. Every now and then I dial them up when life gets tough or when the Braves score. Sorry about the one ring hang ups, early morning and late night wake ups. It was just me. In case you wondered, you’ve got dad’s old number.”

22. The Other Side - Lauren Alaina

Lyric Snippet: “There’s gonna be a lot of sadness on a lot of happy days, I’ll try to think of this moment, this place”

23. I Was Here - Beyonce

Lyric Snippet: “So they won’t forget I was here. I lived. I loved. I was here. I did, I’ve done, everything that I wanted and it was more than I thought it would be. I will leave my mark so everyone will know I was here.”

24. Gone Too Soon - Simple Plan

Lyric Snippet: “Like a shooting star, flying across the room. So fast, so far, you were gone too soon. You’re a part of me. And I’ll never be the same here without you. You were gone too soon.”

25. Amelia - Tonight Alive

Lyric Snippet: “And you will always be perfect, you’ll always be beautiful, our hearts, will never forget you. You didn’t belong here, and it’s become so clear why heaven called your name.”

26. Heaven Right Now - Thomas Rhett

Lyric Snippet: “When the whole crew gets together, memory lane goes on forever. We twist a top and pour a little Jack D out.”

[slashersins]

hey! i absolutely adore your writing and i was wondering if i could request the slashers with an s/o who has some facial hair (from PCOS) and how they would act with someone who has that? i have it and i am extremely insecure about it, constantly doing things to remove it. if this makes you uncomfortable feel free to skip! thank you ❤️

pcos buddies ! my wife an i both have pcos , so we understand your struggle . i’m not sure on the different ranges of facial hair that happens as i only know what my wife and i go through . typically we get those thick black hairs all over our chin that we pluck out constantly . so i def feel you , and this doesn’t make me uncomfortable at all . pcos is a serious thing and effects a lot of people in a lot of different ways . so i’m actually pretty pumped to do this !

hey! i absolutely adore your writing and i was wondering if i could request the slashers with an s/o who has some facial hair (from PCOS) and how they would act with someone who has that? i have it and i am extremely insecure about it, constantly doing things to remove it. if this makes you uncomfortable feel free to skip! thank you ❤️

( okay so i was gonna do these slashers indivually , but it’s kind of repetative bc some of them have the same views , so ima do them in groups ! )

thomas & bubba & jason & brahms

these three are the ones who honestly support you and love you and didn’t think that your facial hairs were an issue until you brought it up . whether it was soft long hairs on your cheeks or short stubby dark hairs on your chin , they never really thought twice about it . as long as you are happy and safe . but clearly , you aren’t happy . you might break down , feel ugly at times , and oh - these boys under stand that . and they hate that you are going through it . do you want to pluck those dark hairs off your chin , but you can’t see them ? let them help . do you want to shave those baby soft peach fuzzies off your cheeks ? they’ll find you a razor and help teach you so you don’t nick or hurt yourself . do you need reassurance that you’re utterly beautiful , hair or not ? they’ll be the ones holding your face , kissing your lips , nuzzling your cheeks . making sure you know how beautiful you are in their eyes . 

jesse

this boy is rich . you have pcos ? you’re getting the best doctors , the best treatment . are you worried he won’t find you attractive if you have facial hair ? excuse you that’s an insult . he is the type of man who gets what he wants and he’s vain as hell , so you best bet that if he has you , it’s because he wants you as you are . do you hate your facial hair ? do you want it gone ? jesse will get you lazer hair removal surgery . he doesn’t care , just as long as you aren’t hiding that pretty face from him , so long as he doesn’t find you trying to painfully pull deep rooted hairs out of your face , as long as you don’t glare at your reflection . you’re a certified babe to him . he wants to take care of you , any way he can . 

billy & stu 

let’s get to the point , these two are assholes . they don’t mean to be . but they are . stu would more than likely point out your facial hair and make some comment he thought was funny while billy runs his fingers over the hairs . it hurts your feelings , it really does . and they are fucking taken aback at them selves for hurting you like this . honestly they meant it as a joke , they didn’t know it was such a sensitive topic . the two of them are more than likely going to stop joking about it . hell , billy reads up about pcos and forces stu to learn too so they can both understand better . they’ll try to make up for their words and actions that hurt you . and then maybe they;ll try to make a fun approach to how you deal with it . do you want to shave ? looks like its all three of you having a shave party . wanna wax ? fuck it , it’s gonna hurt but if you’re suffering , they’re suffering , need help getting a pesky dark thick hair off your chin but have no tweezers ? one of these boys are gonna be using his teeth to get it out . 

michael

michael notices everything . he stalks you , he goes through your mail , he has no sense of privacy or personal space if it’s not his . so he finds out rather quickly that you have pcos . he finds your medications , if you have any , he looks over the side affects listed . he’s curious . and nosy . you can’t really hide much from him . but that also means he sees it every time you pick at your hair . and it annoys him . he’ll start grabbing your hands when you go to brush over the slight patch of new growth you haven’t been able to get rid of yet , holding your grip tight . you want them plucked out ? michael is precise every time . you want it shaved off ? michael will steal a high quality barber’s shave knife , cream the works , and shave you . something about doing it so intimate and possessive .

[mrswalkers-blog]

Falling in love with you

Chapter 13 - The Emptiness

Book: The Royal Romance AU ( Drake x MC & Liam x Olivia)

A/N: This is an AU that happens two years after Riley weds Drake. Drake has lost his memory of last 2 years due to an accident. He doesn’t remember meeting Riley who is pregnant with their first child. Unaware of this fact and not able to cope with the strange new life he has woken up to , he flees Cordonia.

Liam marries Olivia for purely political purposes. Olivia on the other hand marries him because she is madly in love with him. But after two years on marriage and unable to produce an heir and unable to get Liam to love her, she asks for a divorce.

Summary of last Chapter : Two years back : Liam is suddenly obsessed with having a heir - a child in his life. Olivia feels she is not ready, but still supports Liam in trying for an heir. Now : Liam feels empty without Olivia. Media on the other hand is having a field day spreading rumors about Duchess Riley’s pregnancy, mysterious absence of Duke Drake and Farmers protest for Dam.

Liam meets Olivia at their first hearing for the divorce case. According to Cordonian law, they need to wait for six months before the divorce are finalized. Olivia tells him about whereabouts of Drake and asks him to bring him back.

Warnings: PG

PLEASE NOTE: Past chapters links are available in my bio.

Please Re-blog, Comment or at least hit like if you like this series.

Six months after the Royal Wedding “Still no sign of Royal Heir!” Olivia heard Regina talking - rather loudly - to Liam in dinning room. She stopped outside the room, looking at her husband and her step-mother-in-law at the breakfast table. “Mother, your voice is getting loud.” Liam said without looking up from the file in his hand. He kept flipping pages.

“I can see you are trying to avoid me.” Regina said sternly. Liam sighed and looked up at her, “Mother, there might be other pressing issues in a kings life that need his immediate attention.”

“Do you have any idea that failing to produce an heir can cause you to loose your throne?” Regina asked him, “I am aware, and we are trying.” Liam admitted, “What more do you want?”

“I think she should see .... I mean both of you should see a doctor. I am sure that would help.” She said softly , trying to sound concerned.

“Thank you for your concern, Queen Mother”  Olivia said entering the hall. ”Of course,” Regina forced a smile.” I worry about both of you.” ”That is kind of you, but this is not the time to worry” Olivia sat beside Liam and took the file from his hands.”Its time to have some breakfast.” ”Liv!,” Liam glanced at Regina and cleared his throat ,”Olivia, I need to sign and send this trade agreement to China today. I was trying to figure out if it is beneficial to us.”

“It is not.” Olivia said serving a plate of poached eggs to Liam and herself from the spread on table.

Liam sighed “I am afraid you are right.” Liam said to Olivia,”but we will have to agree on their terms.”

“Even when you know that it is costing us dearly” Olivia said digging in her plate.”And not just the initial cost, we will be tied to pay them for decades.” “You must not interfere in the matters you dont understand” Regina advised Olivia,” We have been in good terms with China and not agreeing to their terms will mean...”

“It will mean we will be finally standing up for ourselves” Olivia said firmly. “But...” Liam was cut short by Olivia.

“Your Majesty.” she smirked.” You make a new agreement and write whatever terms you want. I will make sure that they get agreed on.”

Liam beamed,”I know that smile. You definitely have something up your sleeve.” he finally took a bite of his breakfast. “Care to share?”

“A lady never reveals all her secrets.” Olivia chuckled.” Just know that I have dirt on some pretty important people.”

“What would I do without you?” Liam smiled gratefully to Olivia.  Both of them enjoyed their breakfast, talking to each other and completely unaware that they were ignoring Regina sitting at the same table. None of them realized when she left the table rather fuming at the turn of events.

--- Later that day, Olivia did visited an OB/GYN. After several tests and examination, she was sitting with doctor in her cabin. Her clasped in each other , waiting for the report. She was looking hopefully at the doctor engrossed in the file , across the table. She took a deep breath, bracing herself for the news doctor had for her. “Your Highness”, the doctor paused, pressing her lips.

“Don’t worry.” Olivia said realizing the hesitation in doctor’s voice,” you can lay it  on me. I can say the report is not good from your face”. She braved a smile.

“Honestly, there is still hope” she showed her the report. “Your one ovary is completely damaged.“ she pointed at a sonogram apparently showing a damaged organ in her body supposed to be producing eggs. ”But there is another ovary, so I still have chance, right?” Olivia asked hopefully.

“Yes, but there are some complication in that too.” Doctor explained her.” You have a condition called PCOS. It is the reason for your irregular periods. And it is making it difficult to conceive.”

“So what options do we have.” Olivia asked. She didn’t want problems, she wanted solutions and desperately. 

“I will give you some medicine. But the main reason for PCOS is stress. You should try meditation. Relax a bit.” Doctor wrote a prescription and explained her the dosage and precautions she should take.

After listening to the doctor for several minutes, she asked the doctor, ”What are the chances of me getting pregnant doctor?”

"Well, right now there are very less changes, but after proper medication and working on your stress, i believe you will have good chances.” “Thank you, Doctor” Olivia said to the doctor and took her leave. There was still hope that she can produce an heir. She didn't know why she was so desperate to produce an heir. She never imagined herself to be a mother. Was she doing it for the throne? She didn’t care about it either. There was only one man whom she loved so much that she was ready to turn her life upside down and take up a responsibility of producing and raising an heir. She knew what the baby meant to him. How his eyes lit up when he talked about their future kid.

She was not sure how he would react knowing that Olivia was the reason they didn't have a heir yet. Would this push him away?

--

That day, when she entered their bedroom, Liam was working on his laptop on bed. He looked up and gave her a smile , before getting busy in his work. She thought about telling him about the slim changes of them getting pregnant. But she could never pluck up enough courage to talk to him. She changed in to her comfortable shorts nightwear and stood by her side of the bed for a moment, looking at Liam still busy on his laptop. She wished he looked at her. She wished he notice the turmoil going inside her. But Liam never looked up.

Olivia lied down on her side of bed , keeping her back towards Liam. She couldn't sleep, even after closing her eyes, her mind was playing several different scenes where she tells Liam that they might never have kids or Liam find out about it. And in each scene, she somehow always ends up loosing him.  

--- Now

Drake had his long hair tied carelessly in a man bun. Riding his favorite horse and feeling of air blowing through his hair made him feel alive for a while. He had fled Cordonia because he was feeling trapped, suffocated even. But now he was feeling empty. Only thing in his life was his time with the stallions in this ranch. He had hoped that moving away from Valtoria will help him clear his mind, but all he could think now was his brief time there. He wished that just as he had forgot about the last two years, he could forget the last two months as well. Make a new start.

But his past was not leaving his mind, and it seems it had caught up with him. His eyes caught the sight of two well dressed men near the gate talking to one of his fellow rancher. Before the rancher pointed to his direction,, he knew they had come for him. Their attire were enough to tell them apart in this part of the world.

He knew one day they would find him. He didn't expect it to be so soon. He turned the horse towards them. He climbed down the horse and walked toward his best friend and his god father. He gave a tentative smile to his childhood friend, who was now a king. But Liam didn't return the smile. His eyes were burning with hot anger.

'Liam!' Drake cautiously approached him, 'didn't think you will find me here.'  Liam took a quick steps towards him, and before Drake could understand anything else, a hard punch landed on his face making him stumble back a few feet.

'Hey you!' Three ranchers came running to rescue Drake.Bastien immediately stepped in front of Liam with one of his had on the gun in his belt and other stretched towards the men to stop them.

This did stopped the man, but they were now more alert on seeing the gun in the stranger’s belt.

Drake recovered from the blow he just suffered to see the tension in the air. He turned towards the ranch men , holding a hand up to gesture them to stay back. "It's alright! " He managed to say rubbing his jaw ," He is an old friend."

“Get me some ice please.” Drake asked one of the ranchers. The men disbursed leaving them alone - murmuring to each other and giving them a glance every now and then , just to be sure.

"Let's talk in my cabin." Drake led Liam and Bastien to his room. Bastien stood outside guarding the door after Liam and Drake went in.

"Great place you have" Liam said looking at the room Drake called his cabin.

"Well, it's enough for me." Drake shrugged. He opened the window to let some light and air in room. He switched on the small table fan.

“Seems like you are working out.”  Drake said rubbing his jaw.

“Exercise helps me focus." Liam replied weakly. His tone and choice of words were enough for Drake to understand his friends current state. Liam was using exercise a distraction to help him get over the divorce.  

Drake grabbed two tumblers and a cheap whiskey bottle. He poured small amounts in both the tumblers. Just about then, one of the rancher bought some ice in a small bucket.

“You didn’t say,  how you find me here.” Drake dropped two cubes in a tumbler and handed it to Liam.

“Olivia found you. She has her sources.” Liam took a small sip of the whiskey.”But Riley always knew where you were.”

“Did you notice the guy who didn't react when I punched you? The big guy - clean shaved. He is from Cordonia”  Liam informed him.

"I thought his accent was funny.” Drake smirked. But there was something which was not making any sense.“But why is she doing this? I mean keeping watch on me like this.She could have reached out.”

“She is trying to keep you safe and giving you freedom that you want. what more could you ask for,” Liam replied. He clenched and opened his fist looking at a bruise forming on his knuckles.

Drake wrapped some ice in a napkin and handed it to Liam. He took some more ice and started dabbing it to his jaw through another napkin. 

Liam was wrapping the napkin on his hand when he noticed the familiar looking news papers and magazines on his bed side table.

“You seem to be keeping an eye on us.”  Liam picked up the magazine that had run the article about speculating Riley’s pregnancy.

Drake felt his throat turn dry. He couldn't get this news out of his head since he saw in the magazine. “Is .... is it true?” he said gesturing to the article.

Liam looked in his eyes for a long moment before answering a short - “Yes”

Drake rubbed his hands on his face. He flopped down on the bed, hiding his face in his hands.

“I didn't know.... She didn't tell me. I wouldn’t have left...” he murmured excuses to calm down the overwhelming guilt.

“Why didn’t she tell you, Drake?” Liam asked. Although his voice was calm, Drake felt it hurt more than the punch he just received.

Is it mine? He wanted to ask, but he didn’t.

I thought you and her....he wanted to say, but he couldn’t.

“Why did you leave, Drake?” Liam sat down besides him.

“I thought if I left....” Drake paused , “You were getting divorce from Olivia....” Liam looked at him more confused.

Drake took a breath,”I knew you loved her.”

“Is it was this is about?” Liam asked.

“Why didn’t you marry her?” Drake asked, finally with a courage to look Liam in his eyes.

“Because , she chose you.” Liam sighed. Drake mock chuckled.

“What?” Liam asked.

”Ya,Like that could be true.” Drake scoffed,”Why would anyone chose me over you? I mean you are literally the King! and you are pretty amazing!”

Liam laughed,”I know! right?!” he shook his head,”Even I thought she was out of her mind. “ Liam paused, “It took a long time for me to accept the fact - but you are not that bad your self, Walker.”

Was it true? did she really chose him over Liam? There was no one in the world who would have chose him over Liam - for anything - let alone for something as important as marriage - to spend their entire life with him. The over caring, the keeping watch - all was because she cared for him. Drake sat frozen as the realization slowly downed on him.

“But.... you....” he paused,” Did I ? ....came between you two?” he stammered. 

“Drake!” Liam placed a hand on his knee.” You love her and she loves you. That’s what matters.”

“And You?” Drake asked trying to read his face. Only few people could read past Liam’s stoic expression. Drake was one of them.

“I?”, Liam gave him reassuring smile.”I am over her Drake. He is my dear friend and wife of my best friend - whom, by the way, I miss so much.” Liam wrapped an arm around his shoulder.

Drake smiled. “I miss you too.”

“Then let’s go. “ , Liam clapped his back, “I am here to take you home.”

“I ..don’t think I can face her, Liam” Drake shook his head. The way he behaved with her, pushed her away.

“God, Drake!” Liam stood up,” If you cannot own up to your mistakes and try to correct them, you are not  the man I thought you were.”

Drake looked at him conflicted. He knew he wanted to go back. But was he ready to take up the responsibilities of his new life? To face Riley?

“Come on buddy,” Liam said to him,”She needs you, Cordonia needs you.I need you”

When could he ever refuse to Liam? Not only did he felt obligated to be there for Liam, he knew he could trust Liam with his life.

“How can I ever say no to you?” He smiled and stood up.

Liam smiled and wrapped him a brotherly hug. Drake hugged him back , feeling relaxed after a long time. He hoped this would be the beginning of a better time.

“Okay then lets hurry.” Liam pulled away and checked his watch. They might still make it.

“We might have to give you a makeover on the plane.” He said looking at Drake from head to toe.

---

Disclaimer: The characters belong to Pixelberry.

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