#at this point I lowkey wish I could become one of those tumblr success stories

[teacupchimera]

sigh

[inspirationallyinsane]

January 7 2021

Hi Tumblr. I'm writing tonight because I'm feeling reminiscent I guess. I've had a lot on my mind for the past few days and I've been going over my life and I just felt like I needed to talk to someone about it. But no one is interested in your life story, I know I wouldn't be. So here I am, writing it out instead. I think that I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. I used to say that I didn't have any regrets in my life because everything that I have done has led me to become the person that I am, and I generally like the person that I am. Now, I'm not so sure that it is enough; the idea that just because you like who you are now, you don't regret your past. I think I might regret a lot of things. High school was a weird time for me. I can't relate to the person I was anymore. Tonight I was reading through old text threads and over the last week or so I've been reading old posts on my blog and I just... I can't remember that girl anymore. I was so obnoxious, so oblivious to what real struggle was. I was obsessive about something as petty and ridiculous as love. My main concern, my main focus at any point in time, was love. And as odd as it is, as much as I put into love, I was horrible at it. I chose the wrong person time after time. And I didn't see the value in the right ones. I always thought that there must be something more, there must be something better. I really didn't know. I feel like maybe I know now. It doesn't make it easier. But, I think it might make me less obnoxious. I'm so tired, Tumblr. I'm so tired. You know, when I was at Chapman, I wrote "letters" to Austin every day. I wrote to him because it made me feel like he was there with me. But he was awful. He was a pompous asshole who, in all likelihood, could've given two shits about me. Yet I glorified him. I felt like he could solve my problems. I think that part of the reason that I felt so out of place there was because I was stuck with him. I think it would be different now. I wouldn't write him letters. And in High School, all the shit with Emry. I look back on the way I felt about him and I grasp at straws as to why. Going into HS I had hoped that he would be there, and I had hoped that we would have some sort of connection because I felt that we could have such a beautiful romantic story. You know, meeting in kindergarten and playing house every day, not seeing each other for years and years, and then reconnecting in HS and finding real love. It'd be like a movie. But beyond that?? He wasn't the type of person that I truly would want to love. It's so stupid. I wasted four years of my life being miserable, and a lot of it was because I was pining for someone who, in my true heart, I didn't care about. I was chasing a story, an ending that would make sense to me. And I guess, I'm a writer so... of course I'm going to chase the story. But now? Now that perhaps I'm not a writer, I can't see the story anymore. Not with Emry. Not with anyone. Life is grayer now. There are no perfect moments with the perfect guy who suddenly makes you see color. He doesn't appear in your life and solve all your problems and make you feel any less anxious or depressed. You don't suddenly realize you have value or you're beautiful just because some dude is interested in you. There is no perfect ending, there is no fairy tale, just a series of choices you have to make every day. To be honest? I don't care about that story anymore. My romantic story. I don't particularly care about my professional story or my personal story either, but maybe more so than the romantic one. I don't daydream as much as I used to, but when I do, it is no longer about locking lips with the perfect man, it's about finding success and happiness in my career. About finally finding satisfaction in what I do. I have a specific one in which I give a TEDtalk about retiring early. I like that one. I want to have that someday. I regret the way I acted before. Even the way I was after I came back to Medford and I was hanging out with Zach and Alec and those guys. I just. I feel sad for myself. And the craziest thing is? I didn't enjoy it. I acted that way because I thought that their validation would somehow improve the way that I saw myself, or the way that the world saw me. Reality is though, no one fucking cares. No one cares about one person's opinion of you. I live in a world now where no one knows the people I went to HS with. My FA partner could give a rats ass if some random kid from my HS thinks I'm cool. But even a short two years ago, I thought that it would always matter. That their opinion of me would ALWAYS matter. Forever impact me. It's just not true. I want shit to be different. I want to go back and make it different. I want to re-meet people. I want to make things right. I want to change the outcomes. I want to change the way I spoke and change the way I treated people. I want to change the way I held myself. It is occupying so much space in my mind right now. I need to change it. I'm going to try to change it. And maybe part of changing it is just being better now. Holding myself to a higher standard and focusing on myself. Becoming the best person I can be. It's funny because I am 22 years old and I feel so ancient. I feel old af. And everyday I am feeling older. I yearn for boring. I yearn for normalcy. For something less dramatic, something easy. I want a summer rain. I'm so tired of the flood. Goodness. Sometimes I wish time were different. Because, it is 3:16am and now is the time when I want to pick up the phone. But I feel so lethargic during normal people hours that I don't do it when I can. Having this work from home job is really messing up time for me, I think. I've always worked better at night and now I can do all my work at 3am and then just clock in at 9am and take a quick nap before I have to do any training. Eventually when I'm not training I can just work at night and it won't matter. As long as I get everything done, it doesn't matter. I hate texting. I honestly, I hate it so much now. Like if I want to talk to someone I'd rather just call them. But I feel like maybe that is sort of frowned upon socially now? I guess part of getting older is maybe not caring so much about what is "frowned upon" as far as communication styles go. You know, I was genuinely worried about deleting my instagram and my facebook. I was concerned that it wouldn't be socially acceptable. And new people I met would think I was weird or people wouldn't care about me as much if I wasn't on those sites. That's so dumb. Haha. I don't miss it at all. And now, if I want to see what someone is up to, I actually have to call them. Which?? Is so much better? Not that I have done that but in theory I think that should be the way that it is. If someone is on your mind, contact that person. Right? I hate that now it's like, if you think of an old friend and you think 'I wonder what that person is up to', you just go on the internet. I think it'd be better if people actually talked to each other. Maybe it's just that I want more people to talk to. Maybe it is that I'm right though. And talking to someone is significantly more enriching than looking at photos or posts online. Who knows. I've become a technology skeptic. I can't get behind the smart home stuff, and recently I got a new phone and I miss my old phone. Lowkey, if I didn't have my anxiety apps and stuff on my iphone I would seriously consider a flip phone. I'm tired of texting and I'm tired of feeling like I should always be connected. I don't know. Maybe that doesn't make sense. I don't know why but I guess right now I feel like I'm at a crossroads. It is odd because really, I'm not. I have my career and I have a home and I'm doing well. But there seems to be this impending choice. A choice I'm going to have to make, perhaps a choice I'm making already. A choice I'm making every day. A choice not to change... a choice to make a change. It's hard for me; being such an indecisive person. I will always doubt myself. Part of me is happy in my job and with my life, part of me wants to say fuck it and go back to school and study creative writing. Part of me is happy in Eugene, and growing more happy here all the time, but part of me wants to be in Medford. Part of me wants to stay, part of me wants to go. Part of me wants to be an adult, and part of me wants to stay a child. Part of me wants to focus on what matters, and part of me wants to stream League of Legends all day and just get really into that. It's hard. What is the right choice? How do I know I'm doing what is best for me? Especially when I can look back and see so clearly that in the past I have NEVER done what is best for me. Do I go against my gut because I don't want to repeat old habits? Who in the world knows about this stuff? I don't know. I'm a naturally anxious person and so maybe I'm just overthinking life. Maybe it is much simpler and time will simply pass and choices will be made and I have to settle within myself those choices. My brother believes strongly in determinism. I think it would be easier for me if I believed in that too. But I don't. So. Maybe I'll always be plagued with doubt. Maybe it is a good thing. Maybe it is the case that reevaluating your life every once in a while will cause you to grow. I feel like I've grown. Although, it could also just be that as years pass people will change. And the idea that some change is good and some change is bad is semantics and all change is just... unavoidable. Because if the point of life is happiness, and I don't know that it is but for simplicity's sake let's say it is, am I really happier doing what I am doing now than I would be in literally any other situation? I don't think so. I think happiness is consistent and humans are adaptable creatures and so I guess maybe it doesn't matter what you do. Hm. But I said earlier that it does. That would be a contradiction wouldn't it? Oh well. I also said that I don't know so. A healthy debate with myself is justified. A healthy debate with another human being would be more fun though. Haha. Anyway. I guess that is all for tonight. I hope you are well Tumblr, I appreciate having a space to, more or less, think out loud. This was helpful for me. I missed writing. Maybe I'll do more of it~