#at least their microwaved garbage is crispy and seasoned

[alphacrone]

I s2g chick-fil-a has a team of in-house witches secretly controlling the populace because that shit tastes like soggy microwaved rubber and I refuse to believe y’all have never tasted good chicken before in your lives

[depression-mealsz]

stir fry (veg)

im absolutely free-associating as i write this recipe so have fun reading all this - i hope you like parenthetical tangents!

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total time: not gonna lie to you, this takes most of the day. absolute MINIMUM like 45 min. but! you can do it piece-meal so its not all ur time/energy at once

makes: ~4 servings (but really 1 if you’re me)

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ingredients:

1 block extra firm tofu, pressed (i use old textbooks because i spent too much money on them not to get any use out of them)

3 tbsp corn starch

3 tbsp vegetable oil

1/3 cup white rice

1 egg

1 broccoli crown

1 zucchini

1 yellow squash

1/3 cup shredded carrots (or carrot chips, yum)

1 tbsp soy sauce

salt, pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, paprika, liquid smoke, and red chili flakes

sesame seeds for garnish

OPTIONAL (but is it?):

1 tbsp mayo

1/2 tbsp ketchup

1/4 tbsp sugar

same seasonings as above

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how to:

ok fasten ur seatbelts, this one is gonna be a little complicated to read but i promise its not bad when ur actually doing it. i think of it in sections - tofu, rice, veggies, then combine it. makes it a lot more manageable!

for the tofu, rinse it, wrap it in paper towels (or regular towels? sometimes i do both) and let gravity press it for you while you go for your impressive fourth rewatch of new girl. after you get sick of waiting for your tofu to press, cut it into 1″ cubes (ish. do i know what 1″ cubes look like? almost certainly not. go with your gut). combine corn starch and oil together, along with your spices. be generous with your spices, some of the flavor will get lost in the bake. coat ur tofu pieces in the corn starch-oil-seasoning paste and place on a baking sheet. i like to cook mine at 425F for 25 min. this gets it extra crispy, which im obsessed with. also i coat it in kung pao sauce or whatever i have on hand, but theyre still good plain. i bake the tofu while i cut the veggies and cook the rice. speaking of,

for the rice, just steam it according to the directions on the bag (typically 2:1 water:rice ratio, steam for 15 min). props to you if you have a rice cooker, this broke bitch does not. and if you cant boil rice, they make minute rice u can cook in the microwave or whatever. i think that has the texture and taste of play-doh but if thats ur speed, do you ig. really you should refrigerate it after boiling it for it to be true “stir fry” (apparently) but who has the time for that? as soon as cooked food hits my fridge, you may as well throw it in the garbage bc im never touching that shit again. set the steamed rice aside while you do the veggies

for the veggies, cut em :) pretty much thats it. throw some seasoning on it if ur feeling saucy, which i often am. toss them in a wok pan on medium-high heat with some butter (or your preferred vegan alternative) until theyre cooked down like 85% of the way. theyll still retain some residual heat and cook even after you’ve taken them off the stovetop. set aside while you fry the rice

when frying the rice, you need a LOT of butter. more than you think. probably at least a quarter stick (sucks if ur on the west coast with those weird sized butter sticks). toss that and your rice in the same wok you just used to cook the veggies and add your soy sauce. if youre not vegan, add in your egg and scramble it up. you can be one of those people that adds peas to your rice but really.... why would you do that. cook the rice til its done :) i know i could be more helpful but see i dont think i can here. eating it before its done wont kill you, it just might be a gross sensation in your mouth texture-wise

tofu should be done baking by now, so really you just need to combine ur veggies, tofu, and rice in the wok for a quick stir and then serve it. top with sesame seeds.

OPTIONAL (but seriously, no it’s not):

combine the optional ingredients above to make that quintessential japanese mayo sauce (it feels idiotic to call it yum-yum sauce but alas, i don’t really know what else to call it). i love to dip the tofu in it or mix it in to the rice because im one of those clowns that eats one thing at a time (veggies first, then tofu, then rice).

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what i love:

ive always loved going out to eat at those hibachi places where they cook the shit right in front of you and do the little tricks with the onion volcano, etc. but a) those are expensive and b) god how strange would it be to go to one of those alone?? so i decided i would make it at home and you know what bitch i did that

this might be the most involved recipe ive posted and it does in fact go against the initial purpose of this blog to post easy and somewhat healthy recipes to stave off depression but i promise, if you can do even half the shit i told you to here, you can basically conquer the world. or at least your subdivision. and youll have all the energy to do that and more bc you hit all your major food groups! what!

you can totally add chicken or ? idk pork or shrimp or whatever your preferred protein is in place of (or in addition to) the tofu. im vegetarian so ive completely lost the knowledge of how to cook meat whoops

what i hate:

one time i made this and went to brush my teeth because it was bed time and there were maggots on my toothbrush and in my bathroom sink ???? ive never seen maggots there before or since, so i dont know if i got some sus vegetables or rice or if i completely hallucinated that but wow that was. an experience for sure. dont let that deter you from making this though! i doubt it had anything to do with my cooking