#at least the soot sprites are cute i guess

[ineffablefool]

Finally watching Spirited Away, after years of seeing all kinds of people wax rhapsodic about it over the years.

I did... not expect it to make me feel uncomfortable about being a fat person so very, very many times.

[eadanga]

Finding Love

Author note: Fanfic request from @choicesgodfanatic hope you enjoy this babe

Becca stomps out of the sorority and heads to a bench somewhere off campus. She sits on the bench and clenches her fists I can’t believe he did this to me and before the dance too! Angry tears begin to stream down her face I was so much better than her!

“Becca?”

She turns and sees her childhood friend Arthur standing behind her “Oh Arthur!” She quickly wipes her face “What are you doing here?”

“I saw you run out of the sorority are you ok?”

“I’m fine just fine I just needed a minute”

Arthur sits next to her “Becca I’ve known you for a long time I know when something is wrong what happened?”

Becca sighs “Well you know that guy was seeing?”

“Chris? He’s is a good guy what happened with him?”

“Well he dumped me for this other girl”

“Really?” He sighs “Well I’ve seen how he acted with you”

“What do you mean?”

“Well at the sorority ball he kept looking at this other girl and when you guys went to that club he kept looking at her”

“Wait you were at the club?”

“Yeah some of my friends invited me I saw you with him I asked him about it he said that he had feelings for her I told him to tell you right away but then”

“All that drama went down I know” She sighs “Wish he could have at least told me before I thought we were going to the dance together”

“Yeah I know but you knew already that he had feelings for her”

“Yes but” Becca fidgets “I just thought that he’ll get over it”

“You can force someone to like you”

“I know I shouldn’t have been so pushy” She sighs “Guess I’ll go to the dance with Madison”

“Well yeah but if you still want a date you can have one”

“What do you mean?” She turns to him and sees his face turning red

“Well I…” He fidgets “I’ve always liked you Becca I admire your passion the way you get results I love your work you’re very smart and very pretty”

Becca blushes as she hears all this and turns away “You really think all that about me?”

“Yes I do and I’m not lying you’re amazing Becca”

Becca giggles “You’re cute and if you want to take me to the dance ask me properly”

Arthur chuckles “Right Becca will you go to the dance with me?”

“Yes I will how about 7pm?”

“That sounds great”

****

Arthur waited by the entrance of the ballroom I really hope she shows I wonder how she’ll look His eyes go wide when he finally spots her he looks her up and down admiring her dress

Becca laughs “You can pick up your jaw off the ground now”

“Oh sorry you just look so beautiful and amazing”

“Why thank you” Becca smirks “And so do you”

He offers his hand and they enter into the dance arm in arm Arthur smiles “Let me get us some drinks”

Becca nods as he walks off as she looks around she spots Chris and Emily dancing together Chris looked at her so loving Becca sighs I know they don’t want to see me but She walks up to them “Ahem hey guys”

They look over at her Emily raises an eyebrow “Becca please don’t”

“I’m not here to ruin anything I just…” She sighs again “Wanna say sorry for everything I did with Chris”

Emily looks at her shocked “Did you just apologize”

Becca rolls her eyes “I’m not cold hearted I can admit when I’m wrong anyway you two look great together hope you enjoy the rest of the dance”

Chris nods “Thanks Becca”

“See you guys around” She walks away and heads to Arthur

“Everything ok?”

“Yeah I’m glad they’re together shouldn’t have tried to mess that up after all” She takes a drink from his hand “I found someone better for me I was blind not to see that”

“I’m glad so you wanna see where we go from here”

“Absolutely”

“I can’t wait for our first date then”

Becca laughs “Isn’t this our first date?”

“Well when I imagined our first date it was more romantic and we were alone”

Becca smirks “Well I can’t wait to see what you come up with”

“I’ll make you swoon”

Becca smirks “It’s the other way around”

They both laugh then share a kiss together sealing the moment

Tags: @mfackenthal @indiacater @the-soot-sprite @choicesgodfanatic

[flowerpowell]

Unexpected - Epilogue

Drake x MC // Liam x OC

A/N: Sorry it took me sooo long to upload it! I started writing it three/four months ago and only finished today *whoops*. The characters belong to Pixelberry (minus Danielle). I hope you’ll like it and THANK YOU SO MUCH for following this story! Thank you for all the nice comments, reblogs, likes, theories and thank you for loving my baby Dani. It means so much to me! 

Rating: PG

Word count: 1053

Tagging: @gardeningourmet​ @delightfullypinkglitter​ @hopefulmoonobject​ @desireepow-1986​ @dcbbw​ @kingliam2019​ @the-soot-sprite @thequeenofcronuts​ @badchoicesposts​ @burnsoslow​ @annekebbphotography​ @alesana45​ @ao719​ @axwalker​ @walkerduchess​ @texaskitten30​ @lodberg​ @cordonianroyalty​ @emichelle​ @siriusxxvideos​ @i-bloody-love-drake-walker​ @samihatuli​ @choices-lurker​ @i-miss-trr​ @nikkis1983​ @innerpostmentality​ @msjr0119​ @bascmve01​ @mind-reader1​ @edgiestwinter​ @drakesensworld​ @queenjilian​ @princessleac1​ @saivilo​ @yukinagato2012​ ❤

“Ugh, who needs that many parties?”

Drake shot his wife an apologetic look as she sat down on one of the chairs.

“You know I hate parties like that too but we’re Eleanor’s godparents and we really need to be here for her,” Drake said as Riley rolled her eyes. She loved Eleanor like her own child but these past two years, Eleanor had more parties than Riley ever did. And Riley was almost twenty eight.

“You know what, on one hand I find it adorable how Dani and Liam are in love with their daughter but on the other hand, who on Earth throws a party because their child said their first word? Or got their first tooth? Or because of their name day? Or for their first hundred days?” Riley shook her head, “I’m slowly becoming as grumpy and anti-social as you, Drake.”

“Hey!” Drake turned to her and narrowed his eyes. “You’re saying that now but I’m pretty sure you’ll be the same once our son is born.”

Riley sighed in hopes to look annoyed but she couldn’t hide a small smile that formed on her face. She rubbed her belly a few times before she felt familiar kicks.

Drake and Riley didn’t want to follow the tradition to find out the gender on the day of the labor and a few months ago, they found out they were going to have a son. It was a very emotional day for both of them, but especially for Drake when Riley told him she wanted to name their son Jackson.

It was their little secret for about four months before Riley started showing and Dani realized her sister was sipping on a non-alcoholic drink instead of champagne on Dani and Liam’s wedding anniversary party.

Yes, Dani and Liam loved throwing parties. Ever since Dani married Liam, he kept finding reasons to celebrate his wife, and then once their daughter was born, to celebrate Eleanor as well. The palace has never been a happier place.

Dani was a great Queen and even a better mother. The beginnings weren’t easy though. A few days after the photos of very pregnant Queen hit the international news, Dani and Riley’s father did an interview about the girls’ childhood, throwing a lot of shade on them and telling everyone some of their secrets. He kept referring to himself as the Royal Grandfather until Liam issued a statement saying that Mr. Brooks was not to be trusted and threatened Mr. Brooks with legal actions if he kept telling the press stories about Dani and Riley. That shut him up completely.

When Dani was living her dream life as a mother and wife, Riley was living her dream too. The restaurant was completely renovated as Barthelemy decided to pay for it to compensate what his crazy wife had done. Him, Madeleine and Godfrey were in jail, each for a different reason but none of them innocent.

“If I ever decide to throw a party celebrating our son’s first tooth, please lock me up with Madeleine in jail.”

Drake chuckled at her words but before he could assure her that nothing would make him get rid of her, Riley’s face lit up as she spotted her sister.

“Dani! You look stunning!” she exclaimed and Drake turned to see his sister-in-law.

“Thank you,” Dani blushed. “So do you.”

“Yeah yeah, I know I look like a whale,” Riley rolled her eyes and Dani shook her head.

“If that’s what whales look like then I must admit they are the prettiest animals ever. Especially in that dress.”

“Agreed.” Drake raised his drink to Dani and Riley frowned when she noticed something.

“Is that juice, Dani? Why aren’t you drinking champagne like every—” Riley’s eyes widened. “Oh my gosh, are you… again?!”

“Shhh,” Dani shushed her sister. “Yes. But no one knows about it yet.”

“Does Liam know?” Riley asked and Dani bit her lower lip as she glanced at her husband. From the look that Liam gave Dani and a big smile on his face, Riley already knew the answer.

“We found out two weeks ago,” Dani admitted sheepishly. “You’re going to be an auntie again for little Elijah or Elizabeth.”

“You already picked names?” Drake asked confused.

“Well… When I was pregnant with Eleanor it was obvious we wanted to name her after Liam’s mother. But Liam wanted to give me other options in case I changed my mind and prepared a list of names and we picked out a few that we liked best so… yeah.”

“And obviously they all start with ‘E’,” Riley raised her eyebrow.

“I thought it was a cute idea,” Dani admitted and Drake shook his head. Dani and Liam were really made for each other.

“Well, then I guess you won’t have too many kids since there’s not many names starting with ‘E’.” Riley noticed and took a sip of her juice.

“Actually…” Riley looked as her sister turned red. “Liam prepared a whole list for me and there’s at least twenty names on it and he said, umm, I mean… It would a shame to waste it.”

“Twenty?!” Riley exclaimed and Dani had to shush her again. “You two are going to overpopulate our planet!” She murmured and Drake silently agreed with her. “Although… not gonna lie, the world needs more people like you so I’m okay with it. Just… please, don’t throw so many parties for them, please!”

Dani hugged her sister and kissed her on the forehead. “I promise! Besides, I’ll be too busy attending parties for your kids,” she teased and walked away before Riley could say anything. Riley watched as her sister joined Liam and how he started whispering something to his wife that made her giggle.

“Uh uh, right. No parties for my kids until they’re eighteen,” Riley massaged her belly and Drake put his arms around her.

“So… kids, huh?”

Riley looked at him. “Kids. Maybe not twenty,’ she shook her head, “but I wouldn’t mind having more than one with you.”

“Even if you feel like a whale?” Drake grinned and Riley shoved him playfully. Oh, how much she loved him. And seeing the love his eyes, she could tell he felt the same.

“Well, that’s the price I’m willing to pay.”

----------------------

[lesbianmonsterlover]

Fem Minotaur x Fem Reader

You didn’t know if it was lucky or unlucky that your little office window faced the big glass wall of the gym across the street,  because while you appreciated the view you got from time to time, it definitely made it harder to work.  There was an incredible looking minotaur woman who led weightlifting classes and coached the powerlifters.  Her broad back was covered in tawny fur, and irregular white spots.  You knew from the times she would correct form that she had a big white splotch on her muzzle and around her eyes, giving her long white eyelashes and a cute pink nose.  You desperately wanted to know what it felt like to have those huge hands caressing over your curves.  You sigh, your little queer heart aflutter, before you’re pulled out of your reverie by the shrill ringing of your office phone.

By the time you return from the early afternoon meeting, where you’re forced to listen to the higher-ups drone on and pat themselves on the back for projects actually managed and completed by workers like you they consider peons, you’ve almost ground your teeth down to nothing.  You collapse into your desk chair and huff, thankful the clock says you’ve only got three more hours before you can go home.  At five on the nose you shut down and clock out, sighing in relief as you walk through the front door of the building and start off down the street to get home.  Your commute isn’t long, but it does tend to be cramped, which can make you even more self conscious of the amount of space you fear you take up.  Sure you aren’t as big as, say, an orc, but it’s not like they can help it!  They’re merely built that way as a species!  You were just a chubby human. 

You make it back to your apartment, your little studio feeling lonelier and lonelier as of late.  You’ve been considering adopting a pet for a while, but have been concerned that your lifestyle would make it hard on an animal companion.  A dog was definitely out of the question, but perhaps now that you’re working more regular hours you can get yourself a cat to come home to.  That’s how you find yourself walking into your local shelter on a warm Saturday, out of your professional clothes and in a flowy, summery dress printed with pale watercolor roses.  The broad smile that crosses your face when you walk into the air conditioned front room gives way to a shy blush when the gorgeous minotaur woman from the gym struts by in a volunteer apron, two large bags of dog food slung over her shoulders.  You miss the greeting from the human behind the counter, which just makes her giggle and send you a knowing wink before repeating herself.  “Welcome, what brings you in today?  Looking for a furry friend, maybe a fuzzy girlfriend?”

The sly addition just makes you blush and stutter back that you were hoping to come by and adopt a cat.  Someone calm and older than a kitten, but still cuddly and playful on their own terms.  Her smile brightens and she perks up.  “Oh I’m so glad to hear you say that!  We have many older cats looking for loving homes, let me get someone to take you into the cat room with a few of our options…”  The smirk on her face almost seems sinister, if her eyes hadn’t been so warm and understanding you may have been concerned, but before you can voice any of this to her she turns and heads into the back, coming back mere moments later with the huge minotaur woman in tow.

You feel tiny as she looks down at you with a warm and professional smile.  You give you a shy grin, cheeks hot, and try to stutter out a greeting.  “Kharya will show you to the back room and give you a run down on some of our tenants, I’d argue you’re best with those little purr machines.  I know how much you love p...cats.”  You’re so busy getting caught up in being so close to this huge beautiful woman, and Goddess if she doesn’t seem bigger and more imposing in real life, that you miss the innuendo and almost-slip-up.  The minotaur, Kharya, gives her coworker a deadpan look before turning and smiling at you, her eyes crinkling, and you want to know what it feels like to pet over her soft pink nose and up the tawny fur of her snout.  The two of you are brought out of staring at each other by the snorting laugh of the human and her mumbled “useless lesbians” which just makes Kharya glare hard at the back of her head.

“Let me show you to the back room where we keep our fully grown cats.”  For the love of all that is holy that voice.  It was a bit higher than you expected from someone so huge, but it suited her.  Her long, snow-white eyelashes suited her, framing warm chocolate eyes.  Her smile is a little shy, she seems as flustered by her coworker as you were.  Your head barely reaches her chest, and you feel intimately aware of her muscles shifting as she walks near you.  Her smile is still soft as she opens the door and gestures for you to enter.  “Just take a seat on the floor and I’ll let a few of these guys out, we’ll see who comes over to take a look and go from there.”  

You take a chance to study her, up close this time, while she releases a few cats into the playroom.  She has two quite cute and dainty little horns curving up and around her ears, it somehow suits her better than hair could, and her strong shoulders stole your attention next as they flexed while she reached up for a particularly high crate.  You’re certainly smitten with her, but try to make sure your gaze is averted by the time she turns around, having opened about half a dozen little doors.  It’s easy as it turns out, because a sweet looking ball of fluff had come out of hiding sometime during your shameless ogling of the woman in front of you.  The black ball of fuzz mewed at you indignantly, pawing at your knee before headbutting and then nuzzling your leg.  

You giggle and scratch the little critter behind the ears, making it purr and drop like a sack of potatoes against your leg.  The giggle morphs into a laugh, matched by a chuckle from Kharya across from you, looking down at you with a fond tenderness in her gaze.  “That’s Sprite, he’s usually a bit of a recluse, but something seems to have gotten his attention.”  Her smile widens, “he isn’t the only one…”  Her gaze is full of open affection, and it makes your cheeks heat.  “You work in the building across from mine, yeah?  I’ve seen you around…”  Your face feels on fire, oh god what do you do?  You weren’t prepared for this, like at all.  You just nod mutely, gazing up at her, but something about your response seems to have been enough for her, since she just laughs and crosses the room to sit next to you, allowing one of the other cats curious enough to leave his enclosure to hop up into her lap and curl up.  You were jealous of that cat for a moment.

“I’ve...I’ve seen you around too.”  Your voice is quiet, but when you glance back up at her you can see she’s fixed you with an unreadable look.  Your fingers nervously skitter around on Sprite’s chin, making the fuzzbutt purr louder and lean further into your soft thigh.  “I’m happy to see you here today though, I’m always too chicken to talk to you.”  

She looks worried, her brow furrowed and her mouth twisted into what you’d guess is a sneer.  “You’re afraid of me?”  The loud peal of laughter from you at least smooths out her face, making her smile fondly down.

“No!  No, I’m not afraid of you.  But...beautiful women make me nervous…”  You’re feeling uncharacteristically bold, reaching your free hand over to touch her hand as you speak, feeling the soft downy fur on the back and trailing your fingers until you feel it fade into the calloused surface of her palm.  She brightens up at that, large brown eyes positively sparkling with delight as she turns her hand over beneath yours, lacing fingers together.  

Needless to say you went home that afternoon with Sprite, apparently short for Soot Sprite, the black void with big green eyes who decided to come flop on your leg.  You may have also left still holding the hand of the large minotaur woman Kharya while the two of you strolled over to the pet store, picking out all of the necessities considering you were starting from scratch.  Just as you were internally figuring out how to get all of this back Kharya offers to help you carry it home.  “Are you sure you don’t mind?  I’m sure I could just have them deliver most of this, I don’t want to bother you any more than I already have!”

She chuckles and nuzzles your cheek, her tongue just peeking out to lick a kiss on the side of your face making you blush.  “Never a bother, besides, what’s the use of all this muscle if I can’t even show off for a cute girl?”  This only makes your cheeks hotter, sputtering a little but agreeing.  

“It isn’t too far, maybe ten minutes, if you’re sure it isn’t a big deal?”  In reply she simply hefts up the large packages with the cat tree, litter, anything heavy really, and allows you to lead the way left carrying Sprite’s crate and a few bags of toys and treats.  The walk is beautiful, and the company only makes it better.  She probes you with questions about where you grew up, your family, what you do for work, and she tells you all about her childhood in the country, her job at the gym, her history as a competitive lifter.  Conversation and laughter are both flowing easily as you slow down in front of your building, biting your lip in consideration.  “Do you maybe want to come upstairs and help get Sprite settled in?”  

You try not to sound too hopeful, gazing up at her a little nervously.  Kharya’s answer is a wide smile and nod.  “Lead the way.”  You grin back at her and turn to key in your door code, holding the front door open for the large woman, who still has to duck to get through the door.  The elevator ride is full of giggles as you try to fit both of you and all the bags into the tiny box, thankful you seem to all come in under capacity.  Your front door opens with a key fob, and you’re thankful it can be read inside the pocket of your dress as you bump your hip up against the door and push down the handle with your elbow.

The ceilings are thankfully high, so while Kharya does have to duck to get inside once in she’s quite comfortable.  She sets down the packages, hardly seeming to have broken a sweat, and smiles down at you sweetly.  She grips your chin between her thumb and forefinger, leaning down to press your foreheads together in an intimate gesture, sharing breath and space.  Pulling back she swipes a kiss across your forehead with her tongue before releasing your face and moving back to the packages.  You stand there dazed for a moment before her voice breaks you out of your reverie.  “Why don’t you open Sprite’s cage and we’ll see if he wants to get out and explore.”  

Your cheeks are still hot, but it seems like you’re always blushing around the beautiful minotaur, so you just nod and go to open the carrier.  He’s out of there immediately, headbutting your face affectionately before gazing around and claiming a spot on a couch cushion near the window in the sun.  “Well...that seems easier than it should have been.”

Kharya glances over at you from where she’s opening the box with the cat tree in it, a full throated laugh coming out as she notices Sprite’s sleeping spot.  She’s full of mirth, her eyes watering with the force of her laughter.  “Oh, wow, yeah, cats usually don’t take like that.  It must be something about you…”  She winks at you flirtatiously, and you giggle and blow her a kiss back, making her eyes widen and then narrow in a playful smirk.

You spend a little while together just getting things set up for Sprite.  The litter box is in the bathroom, the circulating water dish is set up on the tile floor of the kitchen for easy cleanup in case of accidents, there are toys in every room and Kharya has set up the absolutely overly massive cat tower you bought because you wanted to make sure Sprite had enough things to climb.  You and Kharya are now sitting on the couch, Sprite having moved to a lounge chair in a spot much more preferable - where he could nap in the sun undisturbed by the movement of those other pesky creatures around the abode.

The two of you are drinking beer and relaxing after a job well done, Kharya has one massive arm thrown over the back of the couch and you can just feel the heat radiating off of her skin.  It’s quiet, but comfortable, and you’re thisclose to just leaning over to rest your head on her shoulder.  She clears her throat, making you peer up at her, the nervous look on her face simultaneously endearing and heartbreaking.  “So...I’ve kinda been hoping...that maybe you’d be willing to...um...y’know maybe you’d be willing...to go on a date with me?”  She’s studiously avoiding your eyes, although she still has her face turned towards you.  

You giggle and she almost looks crestfallen for a moment before you lean up and press a kiss on her cute pink nose.  “I was kinda hoping that maybe this could count as our first date?  I’d love to go on another…”  She grins and laughs, bringing her arm down from the back of the sofa and wrapping it around your shoulders firmly, pulling you into her side.  “How do you feel about tonight?  Maybe we could play with Sprite and order takeout?  There’s this killer Thai place near here I’ve been craving.”  You worry you might be moving this too fast, but damn if you want to stop this feeling, and you’d be lying to yourself if you said you wanted to wait.  Sure, you knew that’s what you should do, what logic would dictate, but you didn’t want to let go of her, afraid that if you did you’d realize this was only some fever dream.  That you’d wake up alone, in bed, no Sprite, no Kharya, just another day of the usual monotony.  

She perks up, leaning down to nuzzle the top of your head.  “Oh it’s like we’re on the same wavelength already!”  Her chuckle is deep, but still feminine, and it makes you just burrow further into her warm, strong side.  “I think this is the start of a beautiful relationship.”

[i-am-a-fan-of-empty-spaces]

it's late. i'm not proofreading. i keep messing my life up. i'm in taiwan. somehow this darkness makes smells so vivid. i can smell all the smells of columbus. you should probably unfollow me.

indianola house: the bathroom was so clean, filled with my roommate's girlfriend's shampoos. i lived in that tiny room with an air mattress and a desk lamp on the floor, and all my suitcases were out on the floor. every evening as the house got dark, i would be too lazy to go downstairs, so i would be in my room with a tiny desklamp, curled up in the blanket. i remember the smell of the blanket. it smelled like emmy, the dog, and it was a cute smell. i had magic cards all over the floor, that sadie gave me. i had nail polish. i had incense i bought from a head shop. all of these things were so new and exciting. i remember drying nail polish in my dark room and the smell of it. i cooked mac and cheese by that sink, with my roommate's pot, and opened a sprite to drink. some nights sadie would come over and sit on the cold kitchen floor or that one seat by the table and talk about her depression.. maybe the mood was the feeling of living somewhere you're not supposed to, or of worlds colliding? i remember looking at his books and whiteboard, i remember his brother coming, who was in army and had a german shepherd. they all lived in a very foreign world to mine: clean, with a future, with nice fitting clothes and good decor and clean house smells. he would be stoned coming back from an event with his girlfriend and try to make conversation with me as i cooked dinner, he sitting by the table, i standing cross legged against the sink. sometimes i would make a cup of poppy tea in the sink when he was asleep and sleep with a faint opium high. i wasn't supposed to be there, i had no idea how to handle these things, and yet i was doing it, i was surviving at least that long, i was going to restaurants and riding buses and managing a social life. one afternoon the guy came to tell me i would have to leave early, asked if it was okay, i said yes. he was tall and good looking and friendly, and he used terms to describe the house that i didn't understand.

dale's house: the smell of the cleaning materials, dale's house partially cleaned of soot, the sink with the milky white water, always running. the smell of coach. the stench of the microwave, i would go to the microwave ever night at around three and heat up another bowl of ramen. the kitty would come. the ramen would not be completely cooked. the microwave smelled like pepperoni pizza, with some weird stink, and when you opened it the smell would be everywhere. there was a cup near the sink, with the milky water. the smell of the sink, of cleaning materials. the dog coach wandered out at night while i was cooking, would bend her body in half, trying to lick her butt. she did this whenever she was excited. she smelled bad because she had impacted anal glands. the house smelled like cleaning materials and pepperoni. the kitchen smelled of cat shit. the kitty began to shit in one corner outside the litterbox and they let it, and that half of the kitchen filled up with shit. in the living room was all of joy's old stuff from before she died. pictures on the walls, boxes full of useless junk. she was a hoarder. everything was covered in soot. my carpet smelled bad and was covered in dog hair. there were stains because i had tried to clean it with baking soda, which did little except bleach the carpet where i spread it. this was before james arrived with krane. it was more peaceful then.

it wasn't just unhappiness i felt in columbus. it was a very strange mix of feelings. it was the feeling of being someplace very foreign, incredibly foreign, like boston was foreign, yet somehow more foreign than boston. shiny. nice people, yet impatient, because i would mess things up and break rules, intentionally or unintentionally. i wasn't a good person, i did't feel like one. homeless people asking for money, or helping me find buses. something about the way they carried themselves sticks with me. everyone in that city. the hookah bar, with joel, every night after the open mics i went to with sadie. we'd sit there smoking hookah, i would be faintly nauseous, we would talk about things. the cold outside the hookah bar, as we walked to the car. the supermarkets had a different mood than supermarkets in boston, which differed from the supermarkets i knew as a child. the ones in columbus were so empty and clean. the signs were matte. i went late at night and corners of it would have their lights off. the one in boston across the street from where i lived was hell, it was never not crowded, walking there i would have to weave in between cars. there was the sound of shopping carts, talking people, bags. in columbus everthing was so new, even dirty places seemed new and pleasant. its beauty was offputting. boston was somehow beautiful in its ugliness, in a very real raw way. the christmas lights in union square i'd pass at five in the morning walking home from work. the closed shops, the comic book store, closed. in columbus there were those ugly mcmansionesque corner towers, there was the buffalo wild wings, there were all these matte looking clean buildings coming up out of noewhere, somehow nice in a way that made me feel excluded.

i'm in taiwan now. taiwan doesn't seem to have a mood. i wonder if it's because this is home, or if it's that i can't feel moods until i leave a place. i don't feel a mood here. nothing alienates me or threatens me like massachusetts and ohio did. i never leave the house. the strangest i felt was when my parents left and i had the living room to myself. it had that same newness. i realized i never set foot in it. i'm always in my room. that week i became familiar with the sensation of the leather couch against my skin, and i spread my pills all over the table after i got high on them, and didn't clean up until my parents were coming home. i jacked off so much that week. i smoked on our porch. i remember that week, that strangeness of my house.

when i first came here i felt so bad. i felt incredibly bad, my feelings kept changing from all my medications. it felt like my life would never be over and i was exhausted from having gone so many places, lived through so much change, and it would never stop changing. i don’t feel that way now, i feel not much at all, recently just guilt at not getting my paper done. when i wrote this, that feeling of completely lostness came back, it’s the feeling i get when i look at my life, i guess, all these places that don’t want me, the inconveniences i cause others, the feeling of being a little kid filling in paperwork meant for grownups. i’ve learned not to listen so much to feelings these days. 

catapres, i think catapres is what causes the memory loss, the inability to think coherent thoughts--i’m getting it now as it hits, i probably won’t remember much of this tomorrow. i lose my ability to remember the begining of the sentences i write if they go on for more than a line.

i’ve learned--decided is a better word--i’ve decided not to listen to my feelings so much anymore. i don’t know if that’s a good idea. it seems, after all these meds, that my internal landscape is only something that exists when it exists. and there ar emany of them, and the one i have created on wellbutrin is lasting remarkably well. a bubble of okayness. i don’t know if i will feel that excitement anytime soon, that feeling of being a very young kid in a new city. it goes away when my parents are here. they are here now. i hated that at first and i kept fighting and threatening to leave and be homeless. it got extremely bad and i made my mom leave the house. since wellbutrin we’ve fought intensely maybe less than ten times. she promised not to interact with me if possible. i spend almost all day in this room. i’m not sad at all. it sounds depressing,but it’s not at all. it was, but it isn’t now. i wake up, i eat breakfast silently, say a few words to her, start working, with my door closed, she leaves me alone until lunch, when i come out by myself, eat quickly, return, come out for dinner. she said she was sad recently that our interactions have become sparse. i wish she wouldn’t be. i’m okay with my life. not happy, but okay. i have a social life now, because i go to bible study and church with steven. the smell of this room is mold, and whenever the zyrtec wears off the asthma starts. the bed is beginning to smell bad, like dirty feet and sweat, but the mold is the strongest smell.

when i frame it like this it seems incredibly depressing, kind of like when i think back on all the places i’ve been it seems incredibly depressing, this long journey that doesn’t end, these parents i keep returning to, trying to avoid. if i knew someone and they told me this was their life, and i saw every moment, the winter mornings without heat, the target shifts and aisles of toys, the smell of cat shit, ecuador, getting yeleld at so much, i think i would cry. 

 every new city part of the mood is knowing my mom is somewhere worrying. when i am high, when i am wearing nail polish or sucking dick, i think of my mom. i feel excitement that i am free and also that alienation, like i’m so far from who i was, from who she knows. in taiwan i am who she knows, so this feeling is absent.

i am tired, and i should sleep or correct this paper.but i will pray. i think prayer is a good exercise to continue doing, because nowhere else am i freed to ask for anythingat all knowing the giver is omnipotent, and i am blessed with still being able to FEEL his existence though he dies more each day.

well, god, i’m tired, and this doesn’t end, and it’s beautiful and strange adn sad and frightening in beautiful ways, the yelling and hitting sounds from outside my room in teh morning, the worms kitten. i keep forgetting what i’m doing. i--i don’t know what i want, i don’t know if i want this to end, but it’s tiring and sad and sickening, i am sickof myself and how i ruin things and how hard it is to be good and how easy it is to lie and hurt people and yet it is ALL SO BEAUTIFUL. the rooftops with the wind nd elliot smith playing ,wit hsadie, as we talk about pheebs, then in the morning we eat buckeye donuts. this keeps happening, this life, and the past keeps receding from view, the future keeps coming, and all of it is a single feeling that doesn’t end, only surfaces or hides, all of it is that sickness, all of it is that sickness, that mute sickness. sometimes more neutral, like the breath i meditate on, right now a nausea, when i think of how much more i have elft to go, when i think of falling in love again, a job, a house, graduate school, i can’t imagine any of it without that nausea. i imagine new places that aren’t comfoting but are exciting, unfamiliar, and i imagine the feeling of being alienated by these places, by my grad school, new house, supermarket in the future, gas sattion when i learn to drive. i imagine feeling like a kid. 

i don’t know, i don’t know what i’m asking, it’s just so much, you know? i guess i want you to listen, to look at it real good, at EVERYTHING, all these dishes, candles, suitcases, windy days, taipei. isn’t it impressive? how i’ve lived through all of this? how bad i am? i feel like you love me right now, a twisted love, in the form of this world, and my badness. and i love certain friends... that i can’t name, though i doubt they’d read to this point. they are cute, and wonderful. not enough to make the nausea go away. but good. i am happy to think of them.

what am i going to do, god? i can’t see this entire world ever feeling something other than suffocating, alienating, nauseating, sickening, when seen from a distance. that faint feeling i got from punpun loving aiko, and from sato loving the guy, in girl on the shore, when they fall headfirst in love and it is the same thing as falling headfirst into a dark box with no holes they will die in, and that smallness makes the love powerful and dangerous and suffocating and sickeningly beautiful. yoru stomach drops, when you read about someone pulling someone else to their death through love. my entire life is that feeling, beauty pulls me to death. it makes my stomach drop. there is a world outside of my bell jar, it feels, where things are transparent and the air is just air, and in this air you can go in many directions, color it with many moods, none of which trap you into a definite self with a definite future. you feel light and take breaths unconsciously. i will never feel that.

good night, i’ll proofread tomorrow. 

if you made it this far you’re weird and creepy but that’s ok.

[foolsiwillshowthemall]

Farm Report:  Apparently I’m dating Penny now, too.

17th of Summer, and it's another beautiful fall day.  There are crops to water, and crops to harvest.  The grape vines have been producing wonderfully for me, I have plenty to sell and plenty to use for processing into jelly.

I'm probably going to have to make another bin in here, even with selling most of the produce I'm running out of space.

With the morning farm chores done, I head for town.  But before I get there, I come across Penny and the kids having a picnic.

She's showing the kids the countryside, and would like a real farmer to talk to them.

Note - if you tell her you can't stand kids, the cutscene ends, and her friendship with you drops massively.  Penny has no time for anyone who hates kids, answering this question wrong basically ends your romance with her.

 Fortunately, I love kids and we have a nice little talk.

Probably stronger, I've seem Sam and I'm not impressed.

.... really?  Sam and Penny?  I did not expect that.

Really, Penny?  Sam?  I know everyone has different tastes, and it's not exactly a large town, but surely you can do better.  I mean, Shane is nice once you get to know him, and that doctor would be cute if he did something about that mustache, and that poet guy in the beach cabin is at least nice to look at.

Hey, I was glad to be here.  We had a nice time, and I'm happy to help out the community.

With that done, I head to drop off my axe with Clint.  The upgraded axe will cut down trees faster and with less energy, and will also let me clear those giant stumps.

I understand that you like staring at the river and listening to it flow, Leah, but did you have to pick the spot where you're staring at Pam's trailer?  It's not exactly the most scenic location in town.

Dropped off another odd mineral specimen at the museum, and they gave me this big free-standing geode to decorate my farmhouse as a reward.  Abigail is going to love this.  (Hopefully, she won't try to eat it).

I stopped by to see Maru while out and about.  Still working on that robot of hers.  She asks me if I have any spare metal.  I'm awfully short on coal, but I'll do what I can.

Thursday, day 18 of Summer.  I've leveled Farming up to level 8 now, and with that I can make a keg.  First batch of grapes goes in, we'll see how the wine is in a bit.

Heading back into town, and hey, it's Abigail again. I'm noticing that she seems to be walking out towards my farm more often in the mornings now.  Hoping to see her girlfriend, perhaps?  Hi, babe.

Really?  What kind of dream?

Oh, that kind of dream.  Heh.  Heheheh.

Stopping by the doctor's office, while he was busy giving Marnie her checkup, and slipped Nurse Maru my last copper bar.  I don't need it at the moment, and she was wanting help with materials for her robot.

Later I ran into Pam, who was acting a bit odd.  Talking about how I was treating Penny, as if I was part of the family now.  As if Penny was my girlfriend.  Then I realize - I sort of am now.  I've been giving her gifts, including that perfect poppy on her birthday, and helping her with cleaning and her field trip. And I do kind of like Penny - not like I like Abigail, of course, but Penny is such a sweet little pefect cinnamon roll that I would hate to see anything ever hurt her. And I also hve to admit I really don't trust Pam.  I've seen enough or her behavior to know she's capable of emotional abuse at the very least.  Perhaps if she thinks Penny and I are a couple, she'll be nicer towards Penny.  I can be scary too sometimes, might as well use that to make the poor girl's life a bit easier, right? Beside which, anything has to be better than leaving her to date Sam.

Unsure what to do, I try a bit of night fishing to clear my troubled head.  Of course, I catch a can of soda.  Nasty stuff, I have no intent of drinking it myself, but I know who would appreciate it.

The next morning, I get a letter from the Mayor.  Nice to be appreciated.  Nicer still to be paid for doing good deeds.

And Caroline - Abigail's mom - also wants a pumpkin from me.  Sure, I've already given Abigail like three myself, but if she wants to give her one too that's fine.

D'awww.  I love you too, sweetie.  Gimme a hug.

Marrying you, and then maybe adopting Penny.  We'll just have to expand the farmhouse a bit more.  I'll talk to Robin about it.

Like I said, I've already given her several, but I suppose she can always use more pumpkins.

The upgrade of my axe is completed.  I slip Clint an iron bar as a tip.  That seems to make him happy.

On the way home, I ran across Sam practicing skateboard tricks.  Spiky yellow hair, skateboard, childish pranks ... he's basically a grown-up Bart Simpson, without the grown-up part.  But he's the only one in town I know who actually likes Joja Cola, so I hand him the one I found - not mentioning that I dredged it out of the river. 

He opens it and drinks it down without even noticing the mud caked on.

Say, Leah, do you think it's possible to be in love with two people at once?  How about three?  Four, maybe, if you count Shane?

Well, the new axe works.  Chopping up these stumps yields Hardwood, which some crafting recipes require.

Did you just actually say "hehehe" out loud?  You know, I'm really not regretting stealing your daughter and the first prize at the fair.

Saturday the 20th.  I have learned a new recipe:  Lightning Rods.  These not only protect an area from lightning strikes, but also channel that energy to charge batteries.  Building them requires refined quartz, an iron bar, and for some bizarre reason, bat wings.

Hi sweetie.  Looking especially beautiful today, and it's really nice of you to come out and meet me here on my way into town.

Back to the mines.  These are an enemy that I've been looking forward to meeting:  Soot Sprites!  Yes, they're adorable little Spirited Away inspired things, but they're not that dangerous and usually drop Coal when killed.  With that and the iron ore common in this area I'll be able to make a lot more sprinklers by the spring.

The Bats are really annoying, they fly through walls and take a lot of hits to kill.  Abigail was completely justified in running scared from that bat swarm.

Level 45, checkpoint reached, and time to go home.

Got some nice new loot, including a much improved sword.  Not only does it do a lot more damage, but it adds speed and defense boosts.  Sweet.

Passing through town after my farm chores the next morning, and what's this?  At first it sounds like a break-up scene between Clint and Emily, but Shane is filming it, and Clint can't remember his lines, because he's useless.

Clint, you are just That Guy, aren't you?  Every town has one, and you are this town's.

Shane is actually trying to make something of his life, using his camera and talents to enter a competition.  Go Shane, good for you.

He's filming a commercial for a new flavor of Joja Cola, and asks me to walk past in the background to add realism to the scene.

Yeah, that is really not making me want to drink that stuff at all.

Now the important part.  I've been dreading this scene, as anxious as some I've had with Abigail, though not for quite the same reason.  I knock on the door to the trailer shared by Penny and Pam.  Just in time too, for Penny has been cooking and wants me to help taste-test her creation.

Um ... it's great, yeah!  Tastes even better than that new Joja Cola flavor, I'm sure!

I can't bear to hurt her, she's such a sweet little thing.

But now, to do the thing I arrived to do.

Wow.  I hadn't misread her.  She does like me that way.  Penny, you are an adorable sweet caring perfect cinnamon roll of a person, and I will happily protect and take care of you.  Any time Pam is mean to you, you can stay over at my place, or call me over to protect you at swordpoint if necessary.  Just keep in mind, I'm going to be marrying Abigail in a year, and I don't think this town's laws allow group marriages, but I figure this should help you at least get out of this bad situation, right?

Whelp.  Guess I'm polyamorous now.

One last important thing to do tonight.   With some of the money I've made this summer, I've started buying fruit trees.  These will take all winter to mature, but should start bearing fruit in spring.  It takes a long time to pay off, but will be a good long-term income source.

[gaarfielf]

Reviews for every Ghibli movie i’ve ever seen

Spirited Away - 10/10

The art is amazing, the soundtrack is amazing, the storyline is compelling and I’ve probably cried watching it 100 times and if I talk about it long enough I’ll cry some more. And if it sweetens the deal at all, I know people who literally hate anime and Spirited Away is their only exception because it is THAT good. This movie just retains its quality as a movie for people of all ages because it knows how to tug your heart strings.

My Neighbor Totoro - 6/10

I actually only watched this very recently and its a really cute movie but I think I waited a little too long to watch it. I could tell by watching it that if I was like 10 years old I would’ve been all over it just because of the little soot sprites and the bus that is literally just an enormous cat (what isn’t there to like). My only complaints would be that its a little bit slow moving and I am not patient.

Princess Monoke - 5/10

Personally, I had no clue what this movie was about the first time I watched it and I didn’t find it very memorable. However, you will find that most reviews for this movie are split down the middle between saying “this movie was weird” and “this movie was brilliant” so I very seriously say, do not take my word for this movie because it really is just a hit or a miss depending on who you are.

Kiki’s Delivery Service - 10/10

I love this movie MORE than I love Spirited Away honestly. I’d say the thing I loved more about it than Spirited Away was that it focused on a different problem. Spirited Away was more or less about independence and loss of identity and Kiki was more about finding purpose and having difficulties making friends. So I place these two movies on the same level just because of their similarities, but I like Kiki more just because of how realistic it is.

Grave of the Fireflies - 4/10

It is very hard to judge this movie. I understand it is about war times and it isn’t supposed to be the cutesy fantasy world that Ghibli usually does but...goddamn after you get used to Kiki and Spirited Away you kind of expect some kind of good to happen and I mean very literally not one good thing happens in Grave of the Fireflies. There is a lot of on screen death, extremely morbid images and heartbreaking scenes that in all fairness, I should have expected considering its a movie about war, but its still uncomfortable.

Castle in the Sky - 6/10

Not gonna lie, I haven’t watched this in a few years. It has a special place in my heart as one of three movies I had VHS tapes of when I was a kid, but out of the three, this one was the least memorable. I can’t speak for the storyline because I can’t exactly remember what happened but I really liked the animation and the character design overall was really fun and gave what would have otherwise been a pretty serious movie a bit of relaxation.

Howl’s Moving Castle - 8/10

The movie was really creative and did an amazing job at wrapping up a story that had so many different aspects where there wasn’t really anything left unanswered. Like they had a variety of characters that each had their own stories and character arc and it made it really easy to say confidently that there wasn’t a character you genuinely didn’t enjoy.

Whisper of the Heart - 3/10

Just an incredibly slow moving movie that didn’t offer any sort of heart warming ghibli lesson like I’m used to getting. My general distaste for it comes from Miyazaki saying he was tired of movies geared towards children that were just about girls chasing after boys (which is why he made Spirited Away) but then?? Whisper of the Heart??? was literally that??? I guess movies about romance focused around children is just weird to me.

Porco Rosso - 10/10

Much like Howl’s Moving Castle, the characters were so well done in this movie that there isn’t a character you can say you hate because they are all enjoyable. This movie took a step up by making personal connections. We got to see a side of Porco that you could only really understand by comprehending what the war effort meant to him. Another similarity to Howl’s Moving Castle would be the occasional time Porco returns to being a human (similar to Sophie returning to her normal age) during times that he was being true to himself. Overall really meaningful while still being a traditional Ghibli movie.

The Cat Returns - 4/10

As someone who really likes cats I was kind of expecting more from this movie. It was flat and the whole “cat world” thing was very underdeveloped. I also felt like we didn’t realy get to know the main character very well. It is kind of hard to compare this movie to some of the more well known Ghibli movies (especially considering they actually reused some of the characters from this one in other ones). I liked the animation and the cats were well designed, but I think it wasn’t very coherent.

From Up on Poppy Hill - 5/10

I watched this one a while back when I was determined to watch all the ghibli movies I could get my dirty hands on. From what I remember it was a very simple movie that had a few iconic moments (the scene where Shun jumps off the roof and into the pond by the school). The only part I didn’t like was the plot not very subtly tip toeing around “neither of them knows who their dad is so they might be siblings but they are also kind of in love with each other so?? SPOILER ALERT they don’t end up being siblings but it was still kind of weird.

The Wind Rises - 4/10

EXTREMELY WELL ANIMATED (and boring). Beyond the opening scene with the train just about nothing happens. They sort of hinged the movie on this blooming love story that was kind of shaky and was weighed down by the fact a lot of sad stuff was happening between these supposed “good” things happening. So like his school burned down, his wife has a horrible disease, theres a war going on, and he almost killed somebody with the plane he made but...woohoo he got married. I guess.

When Marnie Was There - 8/10

This ghibli movie is unique in the sense that it’s one of the few that actually subtly deals with sexuality (not explicitly, mind you) as well as one of the few ghibli movies that doesn’t have a male love interest/partner. My only complaint would be that a lot of people misinterpreted the movie and made it seem gross so a lot of people didn’t give the movie a chance even though it’s really heartfelt and sad.

Only Yesterday (Incomplete) - 2/10

I’ve attempted to watch this movie 3 separate times. I keep getting an hour in and closing it because it just really doesn’t interest me. It has A LOT of stunning reviews and I really don’t understand how? I did watch a part near the end that was pretty touching but in my head all I could think was “man I’m glad I skipped to this part I wouldn’t have sat through another hour to see this”. By all means you should try watching it like I did and if you can get past the pineapple scene, then you’ve already passed me.

[twirlinginthefade]

Home Is Where The Heart Is 7/?

In which: Tears. It's just fucking tears.

Haven was surprisingly pretty for being an army base. The snow that covered the ground was barely blackened by the ash, courtesy of the occasional scout or soldier with a shovel. The cabins were well-kept, cots made and belongings organized into general areas. The white tent off to the side was full of injured and people wearing robes tending them.

Rowan could feel bursts of something when she passed near enough and looked in when she felt one gather. Sure enough, a robed man was standing over a young man in a scouts uniform. His hands glowed a steady blue-green, and the back of Rowan’s mind whispers about sea breeze and fresh plants.

She leaves soon after that.

She was reading a slip of paper about a dog when a familiar voice rang out.

“There she is, fixer of the Breach, great Herald of Andraste” Varric walked towards her, a small smile on his face. Rowan pushed down the urge to protest the Herald thing and smiled back “How are you holding up? Most people stretch out things like this.”

“Things like what?”

“Going from the most hated person in Thedas to leading an army of the faithful. Doesn't normally happen within a fortnight” He sat down on a small stool and motioned to the one across from him. “So, again, how are you doing?”

Rowan swallowed. The thing about soulmates is that they know how to get under your skin. It would be so easy to tell Varric how she really felt, how she wanted to scream and run away the moment people started bowing to her. How her heart ached because her soulmates couldn't even say her name. How close she was to crying.

“I'm fine. Just kinda confused.” She forced a smile on her face, crinkling her eyes so it looked more real. “Honestly, I'm ready for nap”

Varric snorted. “I’d imagine.” The smile slid from his face, and he sighed. “Look, I need to talk to you about the whole soul-mark thing”

A piece of ice lodged itself in Rowan chest.

“It's not that you aren't a pretty young woman, or that you are a mage. It's just...I have someone already and I would prefer...” Varric paused. Even for all his words, how do you tell someone made for you that you don't want them like their mark dictates?

“You would prefer to stay friends?” Rowan prompted, keeping her voice even.

Varric nodded. “Yes. I'm sure that were it not for her, we could get along. But as it is...” He trailed off at the smile on Rowan's face.

“It's okay Varric. I understand completely.” Rowan forced down the urge to protest. He was not hers to dictate. He could love anyone he liked and she would not protest.

At least he was alright with them being friends.

They chatted for awhile more, until Rowan’s cheeks started to hurt from her smile. She said a quick goodbye to Varric, who moved on to writing something in a book after she left.

Soon, she simply passed through the large wooden doors leading outwards. The field ahead is covered in men and women in variations of armor and there is another group of robed figures on a hill to her left. She decides to turn right, away from the people training, away from where there are tents and the strange sharp smell that lingers around those with a sword on their breast plate.

She is only a few steps away from the sparring field when something cute and pink runs across her path.

Unfortunately, it startles her into squealing and she falls over, startling the little pink thing, who also falls over.

The critter is small, about the size of her old Bull Terrier Arrow. Its big, slightly pointed ears are reminiscent of a rabbit and its eyes show a spark in their black depths. The critter hops towards her slightly when she holds out her hand and she is delighted to feel its snub nose touch her and the squeak that comes out of it melts the tension out of her shoulders.

She gets up slowly, not wanting to get chilled from sitting in the snow, but also not wanting to scare her little friend.

“Looks like that nug likes you milady” A voice comments from just behind her. Rowan turns, careful of her footing and the thing near her feet.

“Nug? Is that what it's called?” Rowan smiles down at the ‘nug’ and resists cooing at it sniffing her boots. “Its adorable”. That gets her a snort from her visitor.

“Most people would call then rodents at best, pests at worst. Things breed like crazy and get everywhere.” He looked up from where the nug was sniffing her boots and gives her a smile. “Marcus Trevelyan, former Enchanter of the Ostwick Circle. And you are?”

“Rowan Kent, former...” She thinks of a way to explain her job to someone not from Earth. ���I suppose kennel worker? I used to train dogs for a living”

Marcus’s eyebrows raise. “How very Ferelden of you. Wardogs? Mabari? Or Lady’s pets?”

Rowan hides a grin, glad her former occupation exists here. Maybe if the whole world saving thing doesn't work out, she can take a job in this Ferelden. “All of the above, I guess. Occasionally the shelter I worked at did obedience training for puppies, canine units and purse dogs, but we mostly trained service dogs and therapy dogs.”

Marcus smiled. “Sounds prestigious. What are you doing all the way out here if I may ask?” He motioned forwards and she fell in step next to him, following the slight path towards the outskirts.

“Oh you know. Falling out of a hole in the sky, nearly getting killed by demons, closing rifts. That sort of thing” She looked up from the nug following them with a smile, only to see Marcus’s smile drop and a look of horror to cross his face.

“Your worship! I'm so sorry, Andraste forgive me, I don't not realize!” He dropped to his knees in the snow, bowing at the waist and the ache in Rowan’s chest intensified.

“Please don’t. I am not anyone’s worship.” She practically whispered, only to have Marcus protest.

“You closed the Rifts! You stopped the Breach from spreading. You are Andraste's Herald, the Chosen of the Maker’s Bride!” Marcus looked up to her face, silhouetted by the Breach in a verdant halo. “I would be remiss in my duties if I did not treat you as the holy Lady you are. Please forgive me your wor-”

“I am not holy!” Rowan snapped, tired and near crying. “I am a woman, a woman who got thrown into this fucking mess by Deity knows what! A woman who can't even get her damned soulmates to look at her for more than a second as the person she is, instead of as their savior.” She gave a quiet sob, to her frustration. “I am a no one. Just someone people use to reach their own ends” She ignored the protest building on Marcus’s tongue and turned away from him, uncaring of the squeaking near her shoes.

She left the Enchanter kneeling in the snow, watching her walk blindly away, silent tears blurring the path in front of her.

She wandered aimlessly, until she reached a tiny logging site, hidden in a copse of trees. Her nug friend sat next to her as she curled up near a pile of the fallen trees. Her tears fell easily now that the dam had broken, her sobs no longer quiet in the silence of the trees.

A tiny body curled up on her feet, lending her warmth and several more crowded her body, gently squeaking, before she looked up from her arms.

Nugs surrounded her, their small pink bodies curled around each other and her outstretched false leg. One, the one from before if it's little markings were unique, sat up from its loaf position on her leg and looked at her for a moment before carefully hopping closer to her. It raised itself up, tiny paw-hands gripping her shirt until it was sniffing her cheek. A soft nudge and tiny squeak was all it took to make her smile.

“Thank you little friend” She ran a finger across its little snout and giggled lightly at the twitch it elicited from the nugs nose and the rat-like cleaning motion it made. “Maybe I should name you. Calling you ‘the nug’ seems wrong.” A squeak of agreement.

“Hows about Maggie?”

Low squeak.

“No? Harold?”

Low.

“Bob?”

Low.

She narrows her eyes at the nug. Then smiled, wondering. “How’s about Vanyel? You're certainly loyal enough”

The nug bobbed its head side to side before giving a high squeak.

“Vanyel it is. Now to make you a tiny set of Whites and we are in the clear” Rowan laughed, the sound echoing through the trees, nugs perking up at the sound.

“Herald!” A familiar voice rang out and Rowan’s smiled dropped at the address. Cassandra erupted through the trees, causing nugs to scatter in every direction like pink soot sprites.

The Seeker looked out of breath, pink dusting her high cheekbones from the exertion. Rowan stood carefully, scooping up Vanyel from where he had sat on her lap. “Can I help you Seeker?” Her tone was careful, measured as not to reveal her earlier activities.

Cassandra’s brow furrowed at the tone but dismissed it. “You have been gone for hours Herald. Athras only remembered you in Adan’s cabin and when we went looking for you, we found a very panicked mage. Any reason why?”

Rowan felt a click in her chest as she sealed her emotions away, not wanting to break down again at the term of address and mention of Marcus. “It is nothing Seeker. I needed time alone. I was unaware I had a babysitter”

“Bodyguard, not babysitter.” Leliana corrected, ducking to avoid a branch in the face. She frowned at the snow on Rowan's pant legs and the leftover tear tracks on her cheeks. “Did that man hurt you? You are crying Herald” She stepped forwards, only to have Rowan step back.

“I would prefer not to be touched at this moment Sister.” The Hands exchanged looks at the tone in her voice. “Have you need of me?”

Cassandra cleared her throat. “Yes, we do. Your advisors and I have gathered to speak to you about our next step” The Seeker followed Rowan’s sudden formality and missed the twitch on the corner of Rowan’s mouth.

“As you wish” The Herald walked quickly, the nug still cradled in her arms. Both Hands followed closely on either side of her, watching her steps for any faltering.

They arrived at Haven’s gate quickly. Soldiers saluted the three women, one giving a curious look to the nug that their Herald carried like a small dog. It squeaked back at him and he looked away feeling chastised for some reason.

Going up the stairs, Rowan noticed Varric sitting by his fire. The dwarf raised his eyes as they passed and he gave a warm smile and waved at the trio. Rowan matched his smile with one of her own and waved her fingers back.

By the time they got to the Chantry doors, Rowan was at equilibrium. The titles still felt wrong, worse in the mouths of her soulmates but she felt less like she was going have a breakdown.

For now