#at least if youre punished for something you did you know what you did wrong (get caught)

[lbhslefttiddie]

honestly i don't think sqq (jiu) would have minded the accusations of preferential treatment from yqy if they'd felt true. like as children he guarded the title of being yue qi's Favorite with teeth and claws. why shouldn't he be given preferential treatment? everyone ought to know just who qi-ge likes and trusts over everyone else. and for good fucking reason--who else here is watching out for qi-ge? as peak lords he's literally 2nd in command and chief tactician, if yqy values his word over yours, then its both what makes most sense and also what he deserves.

the thing is that to sqq, being accused of being favoured by yqy over others now just feels like a sick joke, because obviously (to him) that's not the fucking case. if he actually gave him preferential treatment you'd think he'd listen to what he has to fucking say, instead of believing what anyone else tells him about sqq. you'd think, if he was yqy's favorite, he wouldn't have left him to rot.

so i think, in a setting where they reconcile after becoming peak lords, that sqq would very much slap yqy's love for him in everyones faces as a kind of power move. a kind of, "oh, you thought that was favouritism? you havent seen yet what it looks like when qi-ge lets himself favour someone."

[to-the-batcomputer]

christ almighty. bruce wayne i don't forgive you for anything (<- girl who just watched utrh voice)

[reignpage]

The Other Man

Pt 1, Pt 2, Pt 3

Your worst nightmare is avoiding your eyes. 

Still sweating and slightly out of breath from the sprint you made from your home to the hospital, you try to wipe your hands down the material of your jeans, and you’re mortified to find them shaking. 

Is it from adrenaline or from fear? 

When they said they found your husband, alive, and he’s been fixed up all brand new, you thought everything would be fine, that things would go back to normal. Your home will finally stop being so stifling, you won’t burn a hole through your carpet from all the pacing like your friend tried to joke, and you no longer have to hold yourself at night just to stop from hyperventilating.

But when you look at his eyes and see only confusion and a drop of anxiety, you know something’s gone terribly wrong. 

“He suffered trauma to the head and we noticed no signs of it during surgery, so the symptoms only showed up now. We’re sorry we hadn’t been able to warn you ahead of time,” the doctor says. 

Maybe now your hands are shaking from anger. 

You step towards the doctor, the sterile smell of latex gloves and death stinging your nose, and you splutter out, “What are you talking about? What’s wrong with my husband? Why is no one just telling me straight up?”

He flinches. 

They both do. 

You don’t feel bad, can’t feel bad. 

The doctor opens his mouth and he’s explaining, rambling about all sorts of medical terms you don’t know and it’s likely he’s doing it to distract you, or punish you, but you do hear one word. It registers and sends a static ringing through your ears. 

“It would seem your husband has developed retrograde amnesia.”

Amnesia. 

When he finishes, a silence takes over, filling up the room and pressing you to the walls, daring you to suck in a breath. A beat or two passes whilst he wait for either one of you to say something, ask something, anything. But no one does, so he leaves and immediately you wish he stayed. 

“Hi.”

His voice breaks you out of your internal panicking. It has a slight quiver, perhaps from the deep sleep he had been under, or the exhaustion that had built up, the price to pay for saving so many people in one night. The reports said, on the night he disappeared, that there had been many curses, strong ones, gathered in an organised attack, an ambush. They had backed your husband in a corner and pushed him to his limits. 

They did this. 

You try to smile. 

“Hi, baby, how you doing?”

There’s a blush forming across his cheeks and you smile for real, finding his embarrassment adorable, but then it drops just as quick when he clears his throat, as if setting a boundary. 

“So,” he drags out, “you’re my wife, huh?”

What’s the procedure for losing your loved one to an internal injury so bad you feel it cut deep? What’s the etiquette? Because you’re so sure screaming at him to stop playing this cruel joke is probably not a good idea; you already know what the doctors would say.

It would be unwise to push him.

Your steps are hesitant but you push through that invisible force keeping you back. You need to touch him, need to feel that, despite it all, he’s warm and real and breathing — at least one of you has to be. 

He looks up at you from your position beside his bed and watched your hand lift towards his face. He doesn’t move, he steels himself for your sake, you know it, because your husband has always been the kindest, most empathetic man you’ve ever met. 

Then you cradle his slightly cut up cheek and tears stream down before you even know it, a laugh bubbles out and you sob it out. He’s really alive. 

“I’m so happy you came back.”

He smiles, it doesn’t quite reach his eyes, but it’s still a genuine smile and your heart leaps. If he can smile at you like that even without the pull of the shared memories of his time with you, then surely there’s hope. Because through his dazzling eyes, always dazzling, you believe there’s a huge box of everything he had filed on you, on his love for you, his wishes and desires for for you both. It’s just locked away at the moment, but you’ll find a key. 

You have to. 

“I must have been pretty great to bag a gorgeous woman like you.” 

“The greatest.”

He laughs in surprise. He did that every time you played along, because no one else ever had, not his own family or his friends, and not even himself. 

And the hours pass by with him asking questions and you answering patiently, despite the stab at your chest from every moment he forgot, every special occasion he doesn’t remember, and you both relive the bad times, the terrible times. 

Except he’s going it through for the first time. 

All the nurses and doctors filter in and out, changing this, emptying that, wiping here, walking there, and throwing all sorts of information at you. Eventually, they give you a care pack full of pamphlets filled with numbers and websites for support, letting you know he’s free to leave, but that check-ups will have to be frequent to monitor his progress. 

You can tell he’s getting tired; you don’t blame him, it’s been too much too fast. So you tell him, “Alright, handsome, it’s time to go home.”

He cheers up at that, eagerly packing and hobbling out of the hospital and into your car. The car ride home isn’t quiet like you had dreaded, it’s loud, bustling with more questions and excited remarks. 

“No way. He ate that finger? That’s so funny.”

“Oh, his hair is really that spiky? And she puts up with both of them? Wow.”

“He’s still teaching? That’s great.”

When you pull up to the house at the end of the street, all the lights are off and you feel a little embarrassed that it doesn’t look inviting, and  of course you forgot to clean up the dishes and vacuum the carpet. Maybe you should have gotten balloons and streamers, maybe invited his friends. You know the doctor said don’t overwhelm him, but they’ll definitely come knocking sooner than later. 

That’s how loved your husband is. 

You have a bashful smile when you finally glance up at him, both walking up to the door, and it plummets at the disappointed look on his face. He doesn’t care about the lights, only that the home he had been expecting is the one across the city, the one you had made him move out of years ago so you could live together as a soon to be wedded pair. 

Now, he’ll have to live in your home as a guest, borrowing your cups and plates, and wearing clothes he didn’t buy but the other man did, and then he’ll be sleeping next to you. 

A stranger. 

You gulp the horrified scream down and, with shaky hands, you unlock the door, ignoring the overwhelming feeling that you’re losing an uphill battle, that things will never be the same, and he’ll never love you, not like he did. 

Your husband is loyal to a fault; he won’t leave you, not because he loves you, not because he can’t imagine being anywhere else but here, with you, but because there’s a ring on his left finger that he keeps playing around with like it feels wrong to have it on. 

And the realisation that you don’t care, that you have enough love for the both of you, that you want, need, to have him in any way he’ll let you, creates a dull ache in your stomach.

You don’t try to smile when you turn to him, even when he does. 

All you say is,

“Welcome home, Satoru.”

[cinnamorollcrybaby]

i am living for some angst 👀

especially some satoru angst

Hold me. Console me.

Tags: Satoru x fem!Reader, angst, hurt/comfort, depictions of poor mental health, depiction of a panic attack, Satoru’s a little bit of an asshole here.

An: Same… same. Before you read this and blame me for how fucked this story is, know that one of my moots (cough. cough. @theuniversesnepobaby cough.) was sending me sad angsty edits last night. this is partially her fault too.

Satoru was normally a very doting and attentive boyfriend. He’s the type to beg to be in your presence. He’d kill to feel your touch against his skin. “Casual” isn’t a word in his dictionary. When he loves, he loves loudly.

So when he got quiet with his love, your body started to fill with a sense of dread. Cold and bitter feelings crawled their way between you two. No longer did you two laugh until you were out of breath and red in the face. No longer did he surprise you with gifts or try to scare you when you’re unaware of his presence.

His strong arms hadn’t wrapped around you in so long. The ruthless chill of being utterly alone plagued you, while Satoru seemed fine. He was even taking on extra hours at his job. So many nights he didn’t come back until nearly midnight.

How could he not see what’s happening? How could he not notice how much you’re drowning?

“I’m going out.” His words are flat with no care put into them. He’s telling you because he feels as if it’s obligatory — not because he doesn’t want you to worry.

“Where are you going?” So many times have you tried to reach out. It was as if you two were passing back and forth a candle of your relationship. You had ignited the flame and passed it to him so many times, but each time, he snuffs it out without a second thought — leaving you in the dark. Maybe one more time, you metaphorically light the candle in hopes to kinder your relationship…

“Out.” Flame snuffed.

“Oh.” He’s done it so many times, but it hurts just as bad each and every time. Being single wouldn’t hurt this bad. At least you wouldn’t be getting rejected by your own boyfriend on a daily basis.

“See ya.” He doesn’t even give you a second glance as he grabs his coat and saunters out the door. Another night spent alone. Another night filled with a barely eaten tv dinner and a shitty reality tv show droning on in the back while you doomscroll on your phone.

You two use to watch these reality tv shows together and laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. Satoru would hold you so close to his body, and he’d whine anytime you tried to adjust. When was the last time that happened? You never suspected the end of affectionate gestures would come while you two were still in a relationship.

You check Geto’s story on instagram. Sometimes, you’d catch small glimpses of Satoru in the back. Sometimes they were at a cafe or an arcade together. Tonight, it seemed as though Suguru was at very packed party scene.

You hold your breath in your lungs as you rewatch the story again and again — searching for a white head of hair. Your boyfriend makes it too easy for you to stalk him. Though, it feels like a fitting punishment for the turmoil he’s put you through.

No Satoru in sight. You sigh quietly before you check Shoko’s story. It was less likely that Satoru would be captured there, but he has made his appearances in the past. It seemed like tonight Shoko wasn’t present at whatever rager Suguru was at. She posted a picture of her beautifully written notes. She must be studying.

Nanami never posts on his story, so you don’t even bother going to check his barren profile. Haibara never features Satoru in his stories, so you skip his as well. This leaves you with one last option.

Your hand is a little shaky as you click on Utahime’s story. You don’t know when it started, but your cheeks and ears were wet with tears already. Your body had some sort of sick sixth sense for knowing when something was wrong, and something was terribly wrong.

You had always had your little insecurities about Utahime ever since Satoru indulged that he had a small crush on her back in high school. Of course, these were just fleeting thoughts. Up until recently, you knew with full confidence that you had Satoru’s heart. He wouldn’t stray from you. 

You didn’t have that same confidence anymore. Satoru had withdrawn, and it seemed as if he took his heart with him.

You hate being right. You wish you were wrong sometimes. On Utahime’s story, she’s seemingly at the same party that Suguru’s at. Her story is littered with pictures of her with other girls that you don’t recognize, videos of the loud music and people dancing in a crowd, and there’s just one last video on her story that makes your heart sink to your stomach.

Your boyfriend’s pretty blue eyes illuminated by the flash from her back camera. He smiled and laughed as Utahime filmed him. His face was littered with wine red lipstick kiss marks. Utahime had a grab on your boyfriend’s collar, obviously trying to hold his drunk self still while she filmed his crime.

It felt like a punch straight to your gut. You couldn’t even think straight, but you knew you needed to keep this evidence in case she deletes it. Your fingers shakily screenshot the story, logging the picture of Satoru covered in someone else’s affections.

He was out there feeling an overwhelming sense of happiness, receiving kisses from another, dancing to his heart’s content, and enjoying his life while you were sat at home weeping over the loss of your boyfriend.

The tv dinner, now cold and stale, was thrown into the garbage, and whatever little bit you had eaten came up soon after.

The picture was seared into your memory. You didn’t have to look at it to know every minor detail. The way his white hair was messy. His glasses were pulled down ever so slightly to reveal his devastatingly beautiful eyes. His coat hung on his shoulders while his muscular neck peaked out from his shirt.

Every time you closed your eyes, you thought about how many kiss marks he had on his face. How many times had he allowed himself to cheat on you? Was this the first time? Had it gone farther than this? Was it Utahime or some other girl?

You cried yourself to sleep, knowing that Satoru wouldn’t even come home to try to console you.

The next morning, you were disappointed as soon as you woke up. You wished sleep would’ve taken your body and whisked it away far, far from here. Instead, you’re still in your bed, sleeping on a pillow that was stained from your mascara.

If you could, you’d rot in bed all day and try to forget the godforsaken video you saw last night, but you had to make a trip to the restroom.

Forcing your weak body out of bed, you let out a small pained moan. You haven’t eaten a proper meal in so long, and you threw up whatever you did eat yesterday. Your appetite was completely diminished. Satoru use to say that food tasted better when it was shared. He always shared his meals with you, unbeknownst to him, helping you maintain a good schedule for eating.

Your apartment was too bright when you stepped out of the bathroom, and it smelled too much of food. The sizzling on the stove finally caught your drowsy attention.

The man of the hour, Satoru, was at your stove, shirtless and cooking something. Sleeping pants casually hung around his hips, and the dimples at the bottom of his back were so graciously being shown off. Did someone else know about those two little dimples? Even though back was facing you, you could already picture his face, littered with those stupid kiss marks.

Making a b-line for the bathroom, Satoru doesn’t even get the chance to greet you. Your hands were cold and clammy as your body uncontrollably heaved over the toilet. You had nothing left to give, but Satoru was taking everything from you.

Hot tears burned your cheeks as they slipped down your face. You didn’t want to do this. You wished you would’ve never saw that fucking video last night. You should’ve given yourself plausible deniability, but now, you had to face the music.

You slowly returned back to the kitchen after trying your best to clean yourself up. Your eyes focused on Satoru. He was finishing up cooking bacon when his eyes finally met yours and drove daggers through your heart.

“Good morning, sweetness. Something wrong?” He asks with so much care in his tone. You fantasize about hitting him — just once. How dare he suddenly care when you have to check out?

You don’t even know what to say to him. Like, yes, something is clearly fucking wrong, Satoru. I’m dating an unfaithful jerk.

“What are you doing here?” You ask bluntly, wiping your face of the remnants of tears and makeup that had stained your skin. He shouldn’t be allowed to see how badly he hurt you.

“I… live here?” He responds in a questioning tone, furrowing his white eyebrows as he studies your face. “Are you okay?” If only he had asked that question weeks ago, then maybe you two wouldn’t be in this mess today.

“No, and you don’t live here anymore.” You snap, causing him to slightly flinch back — not out of fear but out of surprise. He’s never seen you like this before.

“What do you mean, sweetness? I-“

“Cut the shit, Gojo. Don’t act stupid with me. It’s unbecoming.” You interrupt him completely, not wanting to hear him try to act innocent when you have all the proof you need on your phone.

“Woah. I don’t know what’s wrong, but I don’t really appreciate the insult and the use of my government name. I genuinely have no idea of what you’re talking about.” His voice is firm, laced with sternness, so you can see that he’s not playing around with you.

You take a deep breath until your lungs burn. You want to scream at him, chase him out of the house, and light his shit on fire. Instead, you silently go to retrieve your phone. Pulling up the picture of him with kiss marks all over his face, you shove the screen in his direction.

Gojo takes a few seconds to take in the photo, and he lets his shoulders drop. “This is what you’re mad over, sweetness?” He asks in a much more calm tone, looking up at you with almost puppy dog eyes.

“Don’t call me that.” You snap while swiping your phone back from his hands. “I didn’t think I’d have to spell it out for you, but we’re fucking done.”

“You seriously believe that I would cheat on you?” He asks in that stupid arrogant tone of his, completely ignoring your blunt rejection.

“Why else would your high school crush post a picture of you with kiss marks all over your face!? You look so fucking dumb and in love. I fucking-“ Your throat chokes up as if your body was trying to stop you from saying something you didn’t mean. The words “I fucking hate you” die right there on your lips. Tears fall down your cheeks, and you place your palms over your eyes to hide yourself from his impregnable gaze.

“This, again?” He asks in a frustrated tone before letting out an exasperated sigh, He turns the stove off - abandoning his food before walking over to you. He bends his knees a bit to get on your level. ���Look at me.” He demands before his hands go to pull yours away from your eyes.

“Don’t fucking touch me.” You cry out, jerking back away from his presence. Your breath speeds up. The oxygen isn’t having enough time to enter your bloodstream. Your body is vibrating, forcing the air quickly from your lungs. Everything is moving so fast and why the fuck is he so close to you-? He’s suffocating. Fuck, catch your breath. Whyhim?Whyyou?Why?Why?Whatdidyoudotodeservethis???

A gush of air is blown harshly onto your face, and you can feel the bitter cold feeling of something touching your skin. Your eyes see Satoru’s hand holding an ice cube, guiding it along your warm skin on your arm. Your body is so hot that it’s melting faster than he’s moving it.

“Breathe. Match my movements.” Satoru guides in a calm yet steady tone. Your eyes find the way his chest is slowly rising and falling with each breath. You want to tell him to go play in traffic. You don’t need him to ground you. You don’t need him to do anything for you. You don’t need him.

Still, your body matches his slowly. Your breath becomes more stable, and you can feel your heart starting to settle into a more natural rhythm. Your bleary eyes meet his empathetic ones. It’s been so long since your last panic attack, but he remembers just how to calm you down.

It only makes it all hurt so much worse.

“It’s almost over. You’re doing a good job.” He takes his chances at encouraging you. It feels so sickening, more tears flee your eyes. Where had your boyfriend been, and why is he only just now back after he did the unthinkable?

“Sing with me.” It’s an odd request, but it’s something he found that grounds you better than most grounding techniques. Saying repeatable phrases in melodic tone is comforting for your mind.

“No.”

“Come on… Just one time. Your favorite.” He tries again. Metaphorically, lighting the candle and passing it back to you.

You shake your head in response. Flame snuffed. How can you sing with him after what he did to you?

“Come on, don't leave me it can't be that easy, babe” He starts with such a soft angelic voice. You fold in on yourself unable to keep the sob from escaping your throat. What method of torture is this??

“If you believe me I guess I'll get on a plane. Fly to your city excited to see your face.” He continues, lighting that same candle. It’s so small, barely there anymore from how many times you two have tried to relight it.

“Hold me, console me and then I leave without a trace.” The ice cube has completely melted, and his hand is resting on your arm. He slowly guides you to his chest, and you indulge in his warm embrace for just one last time.

“Come on, don't leave me it can't be that easy, babe.” His chin rests on top of your head. You’ve always fit so well in his arms. He’d always tell you that whatever higher power is out there made you specifically with him in mind.

“If you believe me I guess I'll get on a plane. Fly to your city excited to see your face.” His skin is so warm against yours, and your tears are sticking to your chest.

“Hold me, console me and then I leave without a trace.” You finally indulge him, softly joining in on his singing. His body slowly starts to guide you two into a soft subtle sway.

“Come on, don't leave me it can't be that easy, babe.” It’s not that easy. This fucking hurts so bad. Why would your soulmate do this to you?

“If you believe me I guess I'll get on a plane. Fly to your city excited to see your face.” You feel so pathetic — seeking out comfort from the one who hurt you this bad. If your friend could see you right now, she’d slap some sense into you.

“Hold me, console me and then I leave without a trace.”

You’re sniffling softly into his chest, and his hand carefully pets your hair. “Those kiss marks weren’t from Utahime.” He explains in a soft tone. “We were filming a TikTok. The punchline of the joke was that Suguru and Haibara were the ones who kissed all over my face.”

You look up at him with an unsure look on your face, not understanding what he meant. Satoru carefully picks your phone up, and he clicks on Haibara’s Instagram story from last night.

Sure enough, Haibara posted a TikTok of him, Suguru, Satoru, and Utahime. The camera points at Satoru, showing the kiss marks on his face, and the sound plays. “Bro, what happened to your face? Did you do that?” The camera then pans to Utahime to which she mouths the words, “I did not do that.” The camera then pans to Haibara with smeared wine red lipstick on his lips who says, “Then, who did?” The camera is then panned towards Suguru. He also had wine red lipstick smeared on his lips. “Yeah, who?” The two boys start laughing along with Satoru, and the video cuts.

It only comforts your weary heart slightly.

“It was just a stupid TikTok… I should’ve consulted you or warned you… done anything to respect you.”

“This doesn’t take back how awfully cold you’ve been over the last few weeks…” You sniffle out quietly, and Satoru nods his head knowingly.

“I know, sweetness.. I know. I’ve been terrible.” His arms squeeze you a bit tighter — frightened that he was so close to loosing you, still scared of losing you.

“That’s not an apology… or even a reason.” You try to squirm from his grip, but Satoru holds you tighter.

“I’m so fucking sorry, sweetness.” He breathes out a shaky breath, and you realize the shakiness in his voice. Glancing up at him, you feel yourself clam up with the sight of tears in his eyes. Christ, his eyes are somehow even more blue when he cries. “Shit got crazy at work then-“

“You still had time to party it up with your friends. You left me without even telling me you love me.” You finally break away from his grasp. The cheating accusation was only the surface of the main problem.

“You know I love you…” His voice is small, and he wipes his eyes of the tears that are threatening to spill.

“Do I know that?”

“Don’t… don’t say that.. I love you more than life itself.” His shaky hands go to reach for you again, but you move back away from him.

“You’re only doing this because I’m leaving you. If I hadn’t mentioned it, you’d probably still be half assed ignoring me.” You stare at him, and your eyes start to water for the nth time today.

“That’s not…” Satoru bites his tongue, and he runs a hand through his messy white hair. “I came home this morning… saw the uneaten tv dinner in the trash… Your reality tv show was still playing in the background, and I saw how you fell asleep with your makeup messed up… I realized then how much I neglected you… I planned a full day for us to enjoy each other’s presence… Please, don’t leave me for this. I can fix this.”

“How did it feel to look at me everyday when I tried so fucking hard to reach you?”

“It killed me.” He breathes out, and he tries to reach for you again. “Please, I missed you so much. Work was just so fucking much, and I don’t know why I took that out on you.”

You stare at him, and you shake your head silently. “You should go, Gojo..” Your voice cracked as it physically pained you to tell him to leave. Your body craves him more than anything else in the world right now.

“No, please, princess. Don’t do this… I can fix this. I’ll do whatever it takes… just don’t leave me…” Satoru’s on his knees, literally begging you not to leave him. Tears are falling down his cheeks as he bows his head to you.

It’s humiliating, but he’s so humiliatingly in love with you. He’s so dead serious. He’d do anything for you to stay with him.

“Toru..”

“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I-I don’t know why I did it. I just pulled away from you, and I don’t know how it happened. You’re the best damn thing that’s ever happened t-to me. Please. I can’t function without you.”

You stare at your boyfriend with concern as his head literally touches the floor beneath him. You don’t even know what to say to him. The thought of leaving him hurts so fucking bad. It steals the breath from your lungs.

“Please don’t leave me… puh…. please stay with me.” He’s groveling at your feet, unable to stop the tears that escape his eyes. The thought of living in a world where you aren’t his girlfriend… he wouldn’t. He’d be a shell of who he once was. He’s nothing without you.

You slowly sit on the floor in front of him, and your hands stroke his soft hair gently. Satoru’s breath slows as he finally gets a grip on his emotions. He realizes just how pathetic he looks. He slowly leans up, and he looks at you. Both of you looked like complete messes, and it was all his fault.

“I don’t deserve you,” He murmurs quietly. “but please, I can make this better… I love you so much, sweetness… I wouldn’t dream of ever cheating on you.”

“I don’t forgive you.” Your voice is barely a whisper. The metaphorical flame is so small and shaky, but if you two both shield it from the wind, it’ll be able to grow once more. “You have a lot to prove me, Toru.”

“I’ll spend every waking minute of my life fixing this. I promise you, sweets.”

and he did. Satoru went back to loving you loudly. He didn’t merely shield the flame from being blown out, he fanned it himself so it grew in intensity. He was back to doting on you constantly, and he did frequent check-ins to make sure you weren’t feeling neglected. He took frequent vacations from work with you. He usually took you two out on holidays to wherever your heart desired, but sometimes you two would use his vacation time to just lounge around the house and enjoy each other’s presence.

Your confidence slowly returned to you over time. It wasn’t easy by any means. It took many nights of Satoru’s consistent reassurance and overwhelming love and support for you to slowly start feeling comfortable in your relationship with him.

He put in the work, nourished your flame, and he never made you feel guilty for having a second thought because when he loves, he loves deeply. Casual is not his strong suit.

[nightingale-prompts]

Godling-DCxDP prompt

Many don't understand what it's like to gaze into the abyss. To truly know the haunting moment it gazes back. Even fewer can see still stand to throw themselves into that abyss.

Tim never understood why cultists worship monstrosities, being that promised the end of everything for nothing in return. He had seen the remnants of human sacrifices, rituals gone wrong, and man-made horrors beyond human comprehension. Part of him regretted agreeing to partner with Constantine to solve these cases. But another wanted to know more.

After searching through another half-destroyed tome he found something. A location to a summoning circle, an ancient one that these cultists were searching for. The one they needed to finally successfully summon their god.

But they got there too late. The cult had finished their ritual and the "god" they had summoned stood before them.

That god was...perfect. Disgustingly perfect, dreadfully beautiful, and horrifyingly enchanting. His mind etched every detail in his memory. It felt like his mind had conjured this person from his dreams, day and night. It was like looking at an illusion. But his eyes were a hellishly bright Lazarus green.

The cultist bowed to him and his smile, his perfect unnaturally white smile was full of soft warmth. Tim understood at that moment why they worshipped him. Their minds couldn't escape this web of divine energy. They were so enraptured by finally seeing prove of the divine.

"You all have done enough. Your souls will come with me. To the abyss." He said calmly as he waved his hand and each cultist dissappeared.

He sighed softly as he turned his gave to Tim and John.

"You offed 'em? I thought they were your followers." Constantine said gruffly.

"I have no followers. These souls have caused so much damage to this world. They can't be allowed to stay here."

"So you decided to rapture them?" Constantine raised an eyebrow.

"It's complicated. Yes, they did horrible things but if they hadn't discovered the tomes of the old king they wouldn't have ended up this way. Have pity on them. They are just mortals scared and confused searching for meaning. Like I was. I have sent them to the abyss. Their souls with dissipate into the void. There will be no pain. No eternal punishment. Just an end. They will be at peace, I promise. It is what they want." The god's voice echoed, his features rippled as he moved showing afterimages of alternate forms he used.

It was odd. Every fiber of Tim's being screamed for him to bow, to worship, and to give himself to this being. Yet, his feet remained stubbornly planted on the ancient dusty floor.

"Don't look directly at it," Constantine whispered hissed.

Right. You probably shouldn't stare at the otherworldy being that likely has mind warping abilities. Especially one that just said he erased his own followers from existence and saying it was a good thing.

"I'm really sorry. I should make it up to you. Clockwork will be pissed enough that I interfereed so I have to do something to at least make up for this mess."

"You can kick off by doing one and buggering off" Constantine said immediately.

"So cold. How about you? What do you want?"

"I think an explanation would help," Tim said only to get elbowed by Constantine.

"You ain't gotta know nothing, mate. The more we know, the dodgier it gets." Constantine said firmly. "Whatever you are, you need to bugger off. You’ll wreck the noggins of everyone around you."

"I don't mean to. I don't ask people to become obsessed with me or worship me. Mortals have such weak minds they cave at my presence. But I can't help it. I lost my human body recently and can't turn this off."

The being groaned but to human ears it was similar to a purr.

"Seriously, everything I do is filtered through some sensory thing that makes you little mortals think its the greatest thing ever no matter how simple. Touching you would probably melt your brain with how good it would feel. So the trench coat man is probably right."

"You said you lost your human body. How?" Tim asked still staring at the floor as he felt the godling came closer.

"A bad fight. My mortal form wasn't indestructible but saving my family made it more than worth it. But...I haven't seen them since. Im still getting used to this while thing. I just wanted to reach out and find some answers so i reached into this universe and well...you can probably tell what happened next. I just wanted to make it right and fix it. The other ancients said this was the best option and..."

Every moment he spoke the less godly he seemed.

Constantine still wasn't willing to help and had to drag Tim away. When Tim actually tried to look up the fodling was gone.

"Never do that again." The brit said sternly. "Now help me clean this mess up."

[fanfictiongirlie]

Marvel: Corruption

Parings: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Description: Bucky Barnes is a priest. Reader will do anything to tease him, break him, corrupt him. Bucky snaps and they have wonderfully rough sex inside his church. And then run away together.

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Smut, its filth, Teasing, Priest Kink, Corruption of a Priest, Choking, Spanking, Daddy Kink, punishing, Degradation, Readers a bad girl, She's do anything for Bucky, including crawling across the floor, Semi-Public Sex, Sex in a Church, Rough Oral, SexOral Sex, Cunnilingus, Top Bucky Barnes, Dominant Bucky Barnes, Light Dom/sub

Words: 9,551

Completed One-Shot

So I read Crossed by Emily Mcintire the other day, and I may or may not have a serious corruption kink. And then I thought, ooo, I like Bucky Barnes. Mix the two and boom, we have this. I feel like maybe I could have gone rougher, but I'm happy with the final product. I hope you enjoy it. Okay - So this is smutty. And a little kinky, a lot kinky. But I'd also like to have to said, I am not religious, so if I get any of the religious bits wrong, I do apologies, but yeah. I did a bit of research, but honestly, I'm here to write smut, not to fact check xD READ THE TAGS! Don't read it if it's not something you'll like.

Bucky Barnes was in his church, stood up on his stage running his session. It was sunday and it was a beautiful summers day outside, his favourite days to run a sermon. He was new to the village, but everyone had welcomed him with open arms and he knew everyone. So when he noticed you, a girl he had never seen before he was a little intrigued. You were sat in between two people he did know, a man and woman who must of been your parents. 

He thought you were beautiful. And it stressed him out, he was a priest, he shouldn't be thinking that you were beautiful, or anything of the sort. But you were beautiful, you stood out in the crowd, Covered in tattoos, you weren't showing much skin, but from what he could tell, yes you were a tattooed individual. He could also see you had a few piercings in your ears. He could feel himself become less enthused as he kept staring at you, so he coughed and tried to bring himself back to his sermon. 

You sighed heavily as the sermon carried on, your parents had, of course, forced you to go to church with them, like they had every year you lived in this pathetic town. When you had turned eighteen you moved far away, deciding you were going to become a famous musician, that didn't work out, so you had to move back home with your parents, they were happy to have you home. Unfortunately them, and everyone else in this tiny town were incredibly religious. And truly, it wasn't religion itself that annoyed you, it was having it shoved down your throat your entire life. 

At least the priest was cute, you thought to yourself as you drown out the words coming from his perfect pink lips. 

As Bucky continues the sermon, he would glance over to you occasionally, he was finding it hard to not look at you, he was a priest, he needed to shake it off. He knew it was wrong and yet here he was, staring at you.

You smirked when you noticed his eyes on you. Though once the sermon was over, finally, your parents dragged you over to the stage he stood on to meet him. Saying that meeting the new priest would bring you closer to god, they hoped. 

Bucky climbed down from his stage, it was only a tiny stage, only reaching his knee when he stood next to it. He straightened himself when you and your parents reached him, and his voice was deep and smooth, as he spoke in his proper priest voice. 

"Hello, you're the daughter?"

He asked, looking at you. His eyes couldn't help but quickly move down looking at your body, he hated himself for the movement. 

"That would be correct" You smirk, holding your hand out to him, you had had tattoos littered over your arm trailing down to your fingertips. Bucky shook your hand, and smiled softly at you. You watched as he looked at your tattoos. 

Bucky found himself wanting to see the rest of them. He mentally slapped himself for thinking like that. 

"Good to meet you...Mr...?" You ask, your voices trailing off slightly. He quickly snapped himself out of his inappropriate thoughts of you. Realisation kicking into his brain that he was staring too much. He felt like a creepy priest. 

"Barnes. Father James Barnes"

"Father Barnes" You repeated, the smirk still on your lips. 

"Yeah, that's me" He says softly, his stomach flipped at hearing you say 'Father Barnes' he hated himself even more for the thoughts that went through his head as he looked at you. 

"Come, let's not waste more of the father's time" Your father says, pulling at your arm. 

"Aw and I thought you wanted me to be closer to god?" You ask your father, a little winey. 

Bucky watched as your father dragged you away, he frowned a little, he found himself not wanting you to leave, he wanted to keep talking to you, he wanted to see more of those tattoos...

As you were dragged out, you turned just at the last minute to look back, and he saw just how pretty you were from the back and he felt awful, he didn't want you to go, and at the same time, he was glad you were going because his dirty thoughts weren't good. 

The next day you were wondering through the only grocery shop in the village, slowly moving your shopping cart as you looked at the list your mother had given you. Already you were getting dirty looks from the other shoppers, you smirked knowing it was because of your outfit. 

Your dress, it was short and showed so much skin. A cute little black dress with strappy straps on your shoulders, the dress was backless, showing off the magnificent tattoo you had on your back, though not finished yet, it was still amazing and to top things off, the dress was short, ending a few inches past your arse cheeks. It was one of your favourites, pureply because it pissed everyone in this little village off, and you loved that. 

Bucky was in the grocery shop with a small cart of his own. He hadn't been able to get you off his mind and just as he was about to turn the corner, he saw you. 

His jaw almost dropped as he saw you. His mind was screaming asking if it was you, and once he realised it was actually you, he couldn't help but get excited, but he didn't know if you would even want to speak to him. He was shocked and slightly aroused by your appearance. He swallowed, he tried to distract himself from thoughts of you. He was a priest for goodness sake!

He slowly walked over to you, hoping you wouldn't realise the growing bulge in his jeans as he approached, he wanted to talk to you. No matter how much he knew he shouldn't.

"Hello" He spoke softly as he stepped closer to you, forcing himself to look into your eyes. 

"Father Barnes, we meet again" You say, smirking as you saw him. As he heard you speak, he swallowed, the way you said 'Father Barnes' caused a whole range of thoughts to enter his brain. He couldn't help but look at your outfit. 

"We do" He says in a soft deep voice, he was trying so hard to focus on the face that he was a priest, but his mind kept betraying him. 

"How are you?" You asked, leaning forward a little to lean on your cart, your dress, surprisingly hid the most of your chest, but a small slither of cleavage was visible. 

Bucky swallowed deeply, trying not to stare at your bare skin. He couldn't control himself as he stared down at your body. He forced himself to tear his eyes away and meet your eyes again. God he despised himself for thinking like this. 

"I'm good, thank you" He says in a deep, soft voice. He hated how good you looked. 

"Good" You say, smirking a little. He swallowed again, he could tell you were acting a little teasy towards him, and it was driving him insane. He wanted to touch you so badly, but he couldn't, he was a man of God and he kept reminding himself that, over and over, until his mind wandered once again. 

"So..." He says, his eyes drifted down again "What are you doing here?"

"Well, it's a shop, Father Barnes...Take a guess" You say playfully. 

Bucky swallowed again, as his thoughts continued. He knew that it was just his mind, but he thought he saw you looking at his bulge once, and he didn't know it that was just in his mind or not. He looked back into your eyes, trying to distract himself once again. 

"You're shopping?" He asks. 

"That's a clever boy" You answer with a grin. As he heard you say that, every part of him wanted to shove you against a wall and kiss you, it make him feel more flustered. 

"Well...what are you shopping for?" He asked, trying to look anywhere other than your body. 

"My mother has sent me in with a list" You say with a shrug. Bucky looked down again, taking a quick peek at your body once more, hating himself again as he did. He hated this part of himself, he knew he had to ask something, but he felt so nervous. 

"Can I ask you a question?" He asks. 

"Sure" You purr, rolling your 'R's. 

He swallowed again for what seemed to be the hundredth time. He didn't know how he would react if he got the answer he so desperately wanted, but he had to try. 

"Do you..." He swallowed again, he hated asking this question. "Do you always wear short dresses?"

"Usually yeah...Do you disapprove, Father?" You ask, looking down at your dress. Bucky's mind was screaming at him again. He loved it, and he did not disapprove, but he was a priest. He wanted to tell you the truth, but what if that scared you, he swallowed again as he tried to form a sentence. 

"No...I...I like it" He says quietly, looking down to his feet. 

"You do? Naughty priest" You answer, smirking widley looking him up and down. He was dressed in his usual pricesty clothes, fully black and fully covered, and boy did you wanna see what was underneath. As Bucky heard those words from you, his mind went crazy. 

"Don't say things like that..." He said, his voice was slightly shaky. He hated that he liked how naughty it sounded. He looked around to see if there was any people nearby, when his eyes met yours again, he felt like he couldn't control himself. 

"Oh...Sorry" You say giggling a little. As you giggled, he was slowly being driven more insane. He hated how your voice sounded, the way you acted, the way you dressed, he wanted to do things so badly, he tried to control himself. 

"Don't apologise..." He said in a shaky voice, he was getting flustered so easily and you were noticing that. His neck was flushed red, from what you could see, his brow was sweating slightly. His eyes were darting all over the place, it made you want more, you wanted to keep pushing him, see how far you could get. Maybe not in the middle of the shop. 

"Am I allowed to do anything?" You ask playfully, having him tell you not to do something opening a fun teasing window for you. 

"It depends..what are you wanting to do?" He asks. 

"Oh, you do not want to know" You answer smirking, the ideas in your mind currently were enough to make you burst into flames if you walked into the church. 

Bucky took a deep breath, trying to ignore the fact that he did want to know, he hated that he wanted to hear all the things you wanted. He hated the fact that he wanted to do all the things to you that he had thought of. 

"Tell me..." He says in a lower voice, trying not to get aroused from all of this thoughts and from you in general. 

"Oh, Father. The things I've been thinking, they would make you blush" You say carefully, not wanting anyone in the store to hear you. You hadn't thought he would talk to you like this, from the moment you had seen him in that church you wanted him, wanted to corrupt him, but you never thought you'd get this far, you were loving it, you wanted more. 

As Bucky heard your words, his mind went to places he shouldn't be, and his heart race increased. He swallowed once again, hoping you didn't notice how much he was swallowing, and how flustered he was feeling. 

"I can handle it" He finally says, his voice still as shaky as before. 

"We've only just met, father...What kind of girl do you think I am?" You asked, faking a gasp. 

"Well... you're definitely a bit naughty..." He says carefully, knowing he shouldn't be saying those things to you. You nodded and smirked hard, not even blushing, he envied you. 

"I am, it's why I originally fled this annoyingly religious village" You say, muttering your words, you then realise what you said, and muttered a quick sorry, forgetting he was a priest. He chuckled softly at your words. 

"Yeah...that makes sense" He says, his mind still going places it shouldn't of. He hated himself for thinking like this. He was supposed to be a religious man. 

"So, I guess you dislike pricests, huh?" 

"No, definitely not, I just hated growing up in a religious village, it never suited me" You say, as he heard your words he nodded in understanding. 

"I understand that" He says quietly "So, where do you live now?"

"I did live a few hours away, but I had to move back, so I live with my parents again" You say, the annoyance in your voice evident. He looked back over you once again, his eyes drifting for a moment to look at your curves again, before he looked up to your face once again. 

"And how do you feel about moving back?" He couldn't help himself, as he spoke his eyes slowly drifted down to look at your outfit again. 

"Miserable, thought there's definitely something here now that could provide me with some excitement" You say smirking, looking him up and down. Enjoying how flustered he was at your presence. Bucky's cheeks were bright red as you say that and his mind went crazy. He hated that part of himself, which loved how you talked, so freely, he hated himself for being so weak for you already, he didn't know how to resist. 

"Oh? And what could that be...?" 

"Oh Father Barnes..."You say giggling, unsure if he knew exactly what you were talking about, or if he wanted you to say it out loud, you guessed the first one truthfully "I'll see you around" 

You say, and then you grab your cart and start walking away down the aisle. You had hoped when you walked he would look at your bare back, and arse as you walked away, making sure your cheeks jiggled for him. 

Bucky's eyes were wide. 

"See you-" He called out, his words shaky as he speaks. He was speechless as he watched you go, unable to keep his mind off you. Just before you turned the corner, you turned around and blew him a kiss. 

He was shocked as he watched your movements. This just caused his feelings to grow stronger, he felt himself blush deeper. He stood there, in shock, staring into space where you had just walked. He had never been this flustered in his life. He felt bad for feeling this way, but he wanted, no needed, you so badly. 

A few days later, it was Saturday and beautifully sunny, you decided to head down to the beach, no one in your little village ever went to the beach, it was strange but it meant you could go there, wearing your cute little bikinis and no fucker would say a word. With your bag over your arm, within in your towel, sun lotion and a book, over you bikini you wore a cute flowy white dress that travelled down to mid thigh, the sleeves were a little poofy on your shoulders and the edges of the material had cute little patterns with tiny holes traveling along the edges. 

Bucky had woken up early and after getting ready for the day, he decided to go for a walk. He found himself walking along the hot sand of the beach. He happily walked, breathing in the fresh air and enjoying the clear thoughts and then he saw you. He stopped in his tracks. He knew he should leave, but he found himself walking towards you. 

You laid down your towel on the beach, setting up your little section, ready to relax. Bucky walked towards you, he saw your body in that short cute, white dress, he felt himself get aroused, but he tried to fight it. He was a priest after all. He swallowed as he got closer to you. You turn around seeing him, you smile widely. 

"Father Barnes, how nice to see you"

He smiled back, trying to ignore his thoughts. Seeing you out here under the sunlight, in that dress, looking so beautiful, was driving him insane and he hated that he liked it. He tried to find his words, but just seeing you was causing his brain to go crazy. 

"It's very nice to see you too" He says quietly, trying to keep himself calm and control in his word, as he stared at you in that white dress, that showed off your body so much. 

"Are you here to enjoy the sun to?" You ask, smiling sweetly at him. He nodded, his mind was begging to think of all the things he wanted to do to you. He was close to snapping. 

"Yeah, I am" He say in a quiet voice, as his eyes kept wandering down to you, taking in your curves once again, you were now sitting on the towel, looking up at him. 

"Join me?" You ask, smirking, you had a teasing look in your eyes. He swallowed as the words left your mouth. He wanted to, more than anything. But he was a man of god, it was so wrong, but god you looked so good. 

"I don't think I should" He says in a low voice, although his mind was begging to yell and scream that he wanted to, he wanted to do way more than just join you. 

"Oh" You say a little disappointedly "Well, that's okay, I was going to sunbathe anyways"

You say shrugging, you stand once more and grab the bottom of your dress, dragging upwards across your body, slowly, just to tease him, you pull your dress over your head leaving you in your dark pink bikini. Bucky froze as he watched you take it off, he didn't expect that, which wasn't a bad thing at al. He stared at you in your bikini, his eyes trailing every curve you had. He wanted to pull you against him and hold you so badly, but he couldn't. He was a man of god, he reminded himself. 

You laid down on your towel, sighing happily as you felt the sun shine down on your body completely. Bucky watched as you laid down, he couldn't take his eyes off you, as you displayed your body to him, his thoughts were running wild. He had wanted to lay down next to you and hold you, so badly, his mind was begging him to do it. Despite that, he forced himself to sit down next to you, and tried looking at the sky, and not you. 

"Oh, you decided to join me" You say, smirking. He bit his lip and looked over your body, he nodded. 

"I did" He said in a low voice, his mind screaming at him, begging him for take you. You grabbed your sun lotion and began rubbing it over your legs, and then your arms and then up to your stomach and to your chest, rubbing the lotion all over, knowing he was watching your every move. Bucky was watching, and he was watching closely. His mind went crazy as he watched you, the right of your body making it hard for him to breath. 

"Hey, would you mind?" You ask, breaking him from his trance. He looked up to your face, giving you a confused look. 

"Sure, what do you need?"

"Rub lotion on my back?" You asked, biting your lips and holding the bottle out to him "I can't reach"

His eyes went wide, he nodded, not trusting his voice currently. He reached over and took the bottle from your hand. He had to fight his mind as he thoughts screamed, begging to run his hands over your body. 

"A...alright" He said, in a surprisingly soft voice. 

"Thanks Father Barnes" You say with a smirk, turning over to lie on your front. You knew what you were doing to him. He hated how you could just make his mind go crazy. Even just calling him 'Father Barnes' was turning him on so badly. He put some of the lotion on his hand and went to touch your skin, when you stopped him. 

"Oh, wait" 

He stopped instantly, his heart was racing. 

You reach behind you and undo the string of you bikini leaving your back completely bare to him, you lie your head on your arms and try not to giggle, wishing you could see his face. He wanted to touch more than your back, but he couldn't....he couldn't. He was fighting with himself, he couldn't.  He was supposed to be a man of god. But god, he wanted to break that rule so badly right now. 

You sighed happily when his hands touch your back, rubbing your skin so gently with his big, soft hands. Bucky was breathing rather quickly as he continued, his mind begging to break his rules, but he couldn't let himself do that. He had to control himself, control his desires. 

"Mmm" You moan softly "Thanks Father Barnes"

He froze for a moment when you moaned, he felt himself getting more and more aroused as he touched you. 

"P..please don't call me that" 

"But that's your name" You say with a giggle. He continued to rub the lotion into your back, he swallowed and spoke in a low voice. 

"I know that...but it's my title. You calling me that like that...is making it harder for me to control myself" 

"Oops, sorry" You say quietly, but you weren't sorry. 

"N...no need to apologies...I just.." His hands stopped rubbing your back for a moment, as he paused, trying to control himself again. 

"Sorry, I know I'm a little bit of a bad girl" You say grinning, you move, holding the front of your bikini, you moved to do it up and sat in front of him, crossing your legs. Bucky's heart was racing as you watched you. He was struggling to ignore how you made him feel. 

"You...are definitely...a bad girl" He said quietly, but he didn't mean it as an insult, just a fact. You giggle playfully at his words. 

"Will god punish me?" You asked, fearing you'd pissed him off. 

"Yes...he will...he definitely will"

"Good thing I like punishments then" You say smirking, watching for his reaction. He swallowed, wanting nothing more than to give you those kinds of punishments, he knew that was a bad thought, he wanted to give them to you, he could think of a few in his head right now. He tried to calm down. 

"Are you saying you want to be punished...?"

"Are you offering. Father Barnes?" You ask, biting your lip, you even went as far as to clasp your hands together, making sure your arms pushed your chest together, giving him a view. Bucky bit his lip as he heard your words, he knew he shouldn't of answered, but something in him snapped and the words left his mouth anyway. 

"....yes, I am"

"You should be careful, giving me all kinds of ideas" You spoke, and he was. Ideas and ideas went through your mind, imagining his spanking you, tieing you up, gagging you. The ideas were enough to make you feel wet in between your legs. Bucky wasn't being careful anymore, he wasn't thinking straight, not when he wanted you so badly. He hated how weak for you he was, but he couldn't help it. He couldn't resist you, even though he was suppose to, he couldn't fight these feelings when they were so strong for you. 

"What kind of ideas...?"

"Who's being naughty now?" You asked him, shuffling a little closer to him, careful not to get any sand on your skin. Bucky found himself wanting to give into his desires, wanting to hold you, kiss you, tell you all sort, his body felt heated. 

"I am...god, I'm being naughty" He said, shocked at himself, he should of walked away and never spoke to you again, but he didn't. He stayed. And when you giggled, he felt his heart burst. 

"Yeah you are, whatcha gonna do about it?" You asked, your playful tone now more serious. He looked you up and down and finally spoke. 

"I'm going to...punish you" He said, his voice low and dominant. "You are you? Wanna take me back to your pretty little church? Bend me over that stage" You say, grinning, his blushed harder with every word, you spoke again, wanting to see his reaction "Spank me?"

Bucky's eyes widen, he could picture it so clearly. The image in his mind turning him on more. 

"Yes...I do" He says quietly then slowly he stands up and looks down at you. 

"Get up, we have somewhere to go" He adds. 

"Holy shit, really?" You asked, shocked, you hadn't thought he was being serious. You stood up and brushed down any sand on your body. 

"Yes...really...right now" He says, his voice low and dominant. 

"Gods, fuck" You whisper, you grab your dress and put it back over your body. Bucky smirked as he watched you, his mind was going crazy, he wanted you so badly, once you were ready he started to walk, and you followed close behind him. 

"Walk a little quicker" He orders, his voice still soft but dominant. 

"Yes Father Barnes" You respond, reading for this dominant side of Bucky. Your body was warm, and tingling. You picked up the pace, and walked toward until you reached the church, Bucky unlocks the doors and hurries you in, locking the door behind you. He grabbed you by your shoulders and pushes you against the wall, pinning your wrists against the wall, keeping you held against the wall. 

"You're about to break so many rules" You say grinning "You sure you wanna do that?"

Bucky swallowed as you spoke, he felt how close you were, his body pressed against yours. He looked into your eyes and replied in a low dominant voice. 

"Oh yes....I want to.."

"Naughty, naughty priest"

He chuckles softly as you spoke, he leaned down to your ear and whispered very quietly. 

"I want you so badly....I shouldn't...but I want you so badly"

You giggled at his words, enjoying him, enjoying being pinned against the wall by your naughty priest. You thought to yourself, your parents were wrong, you couldn't be made into a good girl, being bad was too much fun. 

"Punish me" You whisper. Bucky bit his lip, he liked that you were enjoying this. 

"You're going to across my lap, and I'm going to spank you" 

"Fuck...yes sir" You whispered. He let go of your wrists and moved back slightly, he walked over to a pew and sat down, he looked at you and pointed down next to him. 

"Come here then" He said, using that dominant tone. You walked over to him and climbed onto him, resting your front over his lap, you pushed your hands against the pew, holding yourself up. 

Bucky smirked, he wrapped his large firm hands around your waist keeping you still over his lap. Once you were comfortable, he reached down and started moving your dress up your legs, pulling it over your behind, bunching it up at your lower back. 

"Ready?" He asks. 

"Yes, Father Barnes"

Bucky's eyes trail over your bare legs as he raised his hand up into the air, he swallowed as he held it there for a moment before swifty bringing it down on your bare skin. He could hear the sound of his hand smacking your flesh as it echoed around the empty church. 

"One" He said in a low voice, still keeping his hand against your skin. You moaned loudly the second his hand came into contact with your skin. He slowly removed his hand from your skin, and took a second to look down, he was able to see the red mark on your skin and he found himself wanting to see more. 

He brought his hand up again, and brought it back down on your skin, this time a little harder. 

"Two" He said in a low voice, his hand resting against your skin for a few moments before being lifted again, then he brought it back down, once more a little harder. You wiggled a little on his lap as the slaps echoed through the church, you kept your eyes closed and moaned each time. 

He repeated the process, each smack getting harder. He swallowed as he slowly started seeing more, and more red marks appear on his skin. You could feel yourself getting wetter and wetter in your bikini bottoms, you wanted Bucky to know, so you had a little idea. 

"May I do something, to make it easier for you?" You ask sweetly. He stops spanking you for a moment and looks down to you, his hand was still resting on your arse whilst he raises an eyebrow at you. 

"What...what is it?" He asks in a low voice. You carefully climbed off his lap and moved your hands to shimmy off your underwear, you dropped them on the floor and then climbed back onto his lap in the previous position you had been in. 

"I'm all yours" You purr. 

"Just remember, you asked for this" He says calmly, he could see you now, your naked arse cheeks, if he spread them he'd see both your holes, ready to be used by him. He didn't, he needed to punish you first, and not get distracted by your perfect little holes. 

"Oh, I know baby" You say grinning. He swallowed as he heard you call him 'baby' he found himself liking how you sounded so sweet. 

"I want you to count them" He says bluntly. 

"Yes, Father Barnes" You say. He brings his hand down to your arse again and you count, starting again from one. 

Two. 

Three.

Four.

Five.

You could feel yourself dripping from your clearly needy pussy onto his trousers, you had hoped he could feel it also. Bucky could, your wetness had dropped down onto his thin trousers and soaked through onto his skin, he bit his lip and stifled a groan. 

"You're doing so well" He whispers. 

"Am I being a good girl for you?" You ask playfully. 

"Yes, you are being a good girl...for me" He admitted in a low voice. 

"If you keep going, I'll only ever be a good girl for you" You whisper, meaning the words as you say them. You may have only met the man a few days ago, but you felt it, wanting this feeling forever. Bucky smirked, he loved it, loved that you were going to be good for him, it only turned him on even more. 

"Oh really? You'll only be good for me, no one else? Just for me?" He asks, wanting to hear you confirm it again. 

"Just you, I promise....Father Barnes" You say, adding his title just to tease him a little. 

"Good girl, you're mine now, aren't you?"

"Yes, Father Barnes" You repeat his title, smirking. 

"Good, I like the sound of that" He said, the tone of his voice giving you away all he was feeling for you, all the things he wanted to do to you. You giggled softly, and sighed happily as he rubbed his hand over the red mark in the shape of his own handprint on your skin. 

"Can I make a suggestion?" You ask. 

"Yes... what is it?" He asks, his mind running wild at whatever you could be thinking. 

You move off his lap, your legs feeling a little wobbly as you do and then you stand in front of him. 

"I'd like it if you would fuck me, up there on you little stage" You say, smirking and pointing to the stage at the top of the church. He swallowed hard, he never thought he would hear you say something like that. 

"Are you trying to be naughty?" He asks, in a low dominant voice. 

"Always" You say with a giggle. 

"That's not very good, being naughty on purpose...I will have to punish you more for that then" He says, smirking darkly. 

"Punish me how...daddy Barnes?" You ask innocently. Bucky's mind was going crazy and he knew if you carried on like this he would lose it. 

"That would be telling..and good girls trust their daddy's don't they?" 

"Fuck, yes they do" You whisper, happy he played into your kinks. He loved how you responded, it only made him want you more. 

"Good girls obey their daddy's, don't they?" He asks, taking a step closer to you. 

"Yes sir" You say quietly, looking up at him through your eyelashes. "You know what good girls do?"

"What do good girls do?" He asks, still trying to control himself. 

"They crawl on their hands and knees up to the pretty stage where their daddy will fuck them" You say innocently, a sly grin forming on your lips. Bucky felt his arousal instantly fill his body even more, his mind full of scenarios and thoughts less tame than before. He wanted you so badly, you were so bad, so naughty, and he loved it. 

"You're being a very naughty girl, right now"

You nodded and slowly slide down to the ground, resting on your knees, looking up at him with wide eyes. "Am I?" 

"Yes, you are..." He said in a low voice as he watches you sink to your knees, his cock was painfully hard now, still confined in his trousers, he got harder when he looked down at you, knowing you weren't wearing panties under the dress. 

"Yes, you still want me to do it, don't you daddy?" You asked, you were so wet, this was exactly what you needed, deprived, messed up foreplay, leading to passionate and hard sex. And you didn't think the village priest was going to be the one giving it to you. Bucky's cock got harder every time you said daddy, it wasn't a kink he was aware he had. But here you were. He was losing control of himself, he nodded before he answered. 

"I do want you to do that...so much" He said, his voice barely above a whisper, he couldn't believe you were going to crawl across the floor for him, he couldn't believe you let him spank you. He was shocked that he even had it in him to do this, but he liked it. You smirked and moved so you were on all fours, making sure your dress was resting on your lower back, giving him a peek of your dripping wet pussy. And then you started to slowly crawl to the stage, the ground was cold and it hurt, but you could hear Bucky's heavy breathing and knew this was affecting him and that was all that mattered. He moved with you, walking behind so he could see you, his mouth watered as he looked at your wet centre, he wanted his mouth on you, his tongue deep within your folds. 

"Such a good girl" He murmurs in a low voice, his eyes following your every move. 

"Imagine if I had a little leash, you could lead me by the throat" You say quietly, the idea causing a shiver to run through you. Bucky's breath hitched, he loved the idea. 

"Oh yes, imagine that..." He said quietly, his eyes trailing over you, thinking about how it would look with a little leash, following you. Once you reached the bottom of the stage you sit back on your knees, facing him. 

"Use my mouth?" You ask, giving him wide innocent eyes as you look up at him. Bucky loved this, he loved how submissive you were being, all for him. He had started rubbing his cock through his trousers, he had never been so hard before, it ached, he needed his cock inside of you. He looked down at you, sitting on your knees, and he know what he wanted to do with you...now it was just about getting you to beg for it. 

"How badly do you want that?" He asks calmly. 

"Bad girls don't deserve opinions, they have their mouths used, whether they want it or not" You answered, you had hoped this answer showed Bucky you weren't playing, you wanted this, and you wanted everything and anything he was willing to give. He swallowed once as he heard you say this, he liked the way you talked to him right now, the control he had over you, it was driving him crazy. 

"You are a bad girl, aren't you?" He replies. You nodded and opened your mouth, your tongue bar shining as you stuck your tongue out. Bucky felt his mouth go dry in that moment, he never thought he had a tattoo and piercing kink, but today he knew for sure, he did. It took all of his composure not to grab you and kiss you. 

"God, you're so good" He mutters, finally he unbuttons his belt, throwing it somewhere, he had a little thought that next time, he was going to use that belt on you. Though he did really like seeing his hand print on your skin. Your mouth watered as he pulled down his trousers and boxers, he stepped out of them, and kicked them aside. His hand was now around his cock, his hard cock, he pumped his hand around it a few times, stepping closer to you. Your mouth was still watering, he was large, thick and veiny, you squeezed your thighs together imagining it stretching you out. 

Finally Bucky grabs the back of your head and thrusts his cock into your mouth, doing as you requested, using your mouth. He groaned loudly at the feeling, sure he had done things like this before...before... but it had been a long time since, but nothing compared to this, your mouth was perfect and Bucky found himself thrusted hard into your mouth, hitting the back of your throat, all whilst he was muttering a string of 'fucks' and 'gods' your sweet, hot mouth enough to make him take his lord's name in vain. He didn't care. You kept your mouth open for him, closing your lips around his cock, moving your tongue best you could, but he didn't leave much space inside of your mouth. Tears were streaming down your cheeks, your mascara stained and in streaks down your face, you didn't care as you moaned loudly for him, you moved one of your hands down your body to your wet untouched pussy, your fingers slick as they pushed through your folds and down to your hole and then back up to your clit, you expertidly pressed against the little bundle of nerves moaning loudly, you hoped Bucky would see what you were doing and punish you more. 

Both of his hands were on either sides of your face, he held you as he fucked your mouth, he was very aware of your breathing, making sure to check on you in the midst of him face fucking you. He stroked the tears away, slowing his movements down when he sees your hand moving fast against your own skin. He stops moving holding his cock in your mouth for a moment, gagging you until he moves away, you take a few deep breaths and then look up at him, your mascara was no longer on your eyes, now completely streamed down your face, you had drool around your lips, your puffy red lips. Bucky thought you looked beautiful. 

"Why are you doing that?" He asked, pointing down to your hand, still moving slowly through your slick core. 

"I'm a bad girl, remember?" You ask, your voice a little scratchy. 

"Yes, you are a bad girl" He says, his voice still dominant. You giggle and keep your hand moving, sitting more on your bum now, spreading your legs a little, though your dress hid you mostly. 

"Don't you like watching me?"

He swallows as he watches you, his eyes were trained on your hand, wanting to see more. 

"I do like watching you" He admits. 

"I can keep going?"

"Yes...yes you can" He says in a low voice, loving this too much. 

"Anything for you" You whisper, you stand up from the ground and hop onto the stage, sitting on your bum. You raise both legs and rest them on the edge of the stage so you were spread out completely for him, the air hit your pussy and it felt great, and knowing it was the only place where Bucky could look right now, made you feel warm inside. You lifted your dress and moved your fingers back down, spreading your lips further for him, letting him see your tight hole. You watched as Bucky licked his lips, his hand was around his cock again as he stepped closer to you, watching you completely expose yourself to him. 

"Good girl" He whispers, taking another step closer, he was stood at the edge of the stage now, his body a teasing distance away, he kept watching you pleasure yourself, gasping when you pressed two fingers into your hole, you were wet, so wet that you could hear the noises your body was making with each movement from your fingers. 

"Why don't you come for me... come for me" He says in a low tone, he swallowed as he stayed still watching your fingers sped up, he licked his lips, wanting nothing more than to taste you, but he didn't, wanting to see you finish, just for him. Your fingers move perfectly against your skin, just how you liked it until you were coming hard, calling out his name as it echoed throughout the church.  Bucky loved it, he wanted more, wanted you to moan his name over and over. He couldn't take it anymore, when your legs flopped slightly, he pressed both of his hands to your waist, needing to feel your skin. 

"Take me Father Barnes, right here, on your stage" You say, feeling a little lopsy. Bucky smiled as he heard your words, you were begging for him, and he loved it. 

"Oh, I will" 

"How do you want me? On all fours? On my back? Bent over your little stage?" You asked, giving him ideas. Bucky pictured all the options and more, and he needed them all. His mind was going crazy with thoughts again. 

"All of them...I want you in every position imaginable" He says, his voice still dominant, full of want and need for you. 

"Oh you sweet man" You say with a fond giggle "Careful, or I may fall in love"

Bucky froze for a moment, he found himself liking the sound of you falling in love with him, he wanted you to be his, and only his. He takes another step towards the stage, now very close to you. 

"Oh I want you to be in love with me" He says in a love, dominant voice, as his eyes roam over your body, he wasn't able to hold back his feelings and desires any more, he needed you so badly. 

"Show me what that cock can do, and maybe I will" You answer, a foreign feeling in your chest, though you tried to ignore it. 

Bucky climbs onto the stage, climbing over you body, hovering over you, his hard cock bounced against his stomach. 

"I'll show you..." He says in a low voice, his breath tickling your lips now. You grin and wrap your arms around his neck, laying your hands flat against half his neck and half his jaw. 

"You're mine...you do know that, don't you? You belong to me" He murmurs, his breathing becoming faster, his mind full of lust and desire. 

"All yours, take me you naughty priest" You say quietly, his cock was dragging across your lower stomach, leaving a wet stripe of precum and it made you want him even more, you opened your legs wider, a silent beg for him. Bucky looked down, seeing you pinned underneath him. 

"Mine to take" He says quietly, his hand moved down to grip his cock, slowly he rubbed his head through your very wet folds, both of your breaths hitched, and you moved your hands to grip his shoulders. 

"Make it hurt" You say playfully, done with the slowness you needed him, deep inside of you. 

Bucky swallows again, he was shocked by the request, but excited and aroused by it at the same time. 

"You want it to hurt?" He asks, just wanting to confirm what you mean, wanting to hear you say it again. 

"I want you to fuck me so hard the walls shake, put your hand around my throat, so I feel dizzy as I come hard squeezing your cock" You say in a low, filthy tone. Bucky's mind ran wild, he pressed the head of his cock inside of you, groaning loudly at the tightness of you just around his cock. He couldn't imagine how you'd feel fully around him. 

"You're a bad girl, a very bad girl" He says quietly, you nodded and wiggled your hips, moaning softly when he went in a little deeper. He grinned, knowing he was teasing you and enjoying the feeling. He felt himself grow harder within you, if that were possible, he knew he couldn't hold back any longer. 

"Such a naughty, impatient bad girl. I'll have to punish you even more, even harder..."He says, in a low dominant voice, as his mind got wilder. 

"Punish me, take me...please Bucky" You begged, hoping that using his actual name would be enough. He finally pushes deep into you, slowly stretching you, you both moan loudly, your nails dug into his shoulders whilst his hands balled into fists on either side of your head. 

Bucky felt himself going crazy, it felt...better than anything. He loved it, so much and he wanted more, wanted to hear you moan, again and again. He began to slowly move, his body on top of yours, pinning you to the church stage, he moved one hand down to your hip, holding you so hard it would surely leave bruises, or at least you hoped. 

"Hold my neck...please" You begged. 

For a moment Bucky worried that he would really hurt you if he did, but he was past arguing, he was going to do anything you wanted. He slowly moved his hand from your hip and slowly trailed it up the side of your body up to your neck. He wrapped his large, strong hand around your neck, keeping a good firm grip on it. You moaned loudly, his thrusts got harder and deeper, and with his hand on your throat it didn't take long for the pleasure to rip through you, you moaned loudly, enjoying the echo through the church, as you came hard, squeezing his thick cock. Bucky groans loudly and fucks into you harder, he closed his eyes and moved to rest his forehead on your shoulder, his hand still firm on your neck as his hips fuck into you. 

"Do you like it, me having my hand around your neck like this...?" He asks. 

"Y..yes! Wanna know what I love even more?" You ask, your voice strained under his grip. 

He lifted himself from your shoulder, slowing his thrusts. 

"What do you love more than this..?"

"I love that I corrupted you, Father Barnes" You say with a smirk. He swallows, he couldn't deny that you did. You made him break his vows, he was acting against everything he had swore to do. 

"Yes...you did corrupt me" He said, his voice dripping with desire for you. 

"I'm a naughty little sinner"

"Yes you are... you're a naughty little sinner, but you're my naughty little sinner. My bad girl, and you're mine to do what I want with you" He said, his dominant tone having a underlying care to it. His thrusts were hard and deep, the slap of his hips against your hips loud and wet. 

"Gods yes...Are you gonna finish inside of me, daddy?" You ask smirking, your back was arched and your legs lopped to the side of his hips as you struggled to hold them up. 

"Yes, I want to...Oh, can I?" He asks, his tone sounding more pathetic by the second. His forehead was against yours, his hand tightened against your throat as his thrusts got messy, you were so tight around him, he was euphoric. 

"Do it"

"Are you going to be a good girl for me...and take it all?" He whispers, his thrusts sloppy and fast as he pounds into you. 

"Yes sir! Oh yes...daddy! Yes..Father Barnes" You whine as you feel yourself finish again, clenching around his cock "I'll take it all for you"

Bucky sped up, his hand tightened as you wrapped your legs around his waist, allowing him fuck into you deeper, you both moaned loudly as you felt him finish inside of you, he groaned and slammed his hips against yours, keeping himself fully into you as he pulses, filling you with his seed. 

Your vision went spotty as his hand gripped you, the pleasure overwhelming you, you gripped hard on his shoulders. 

He slowly let go of your neck, moving his hand down to your hip, holding you close to him, wanting you to never move. 

"How do you feel, my little sinner?" He whispers. You take a large breath and giggle. 

"I'm great...are you...okay?" You ask. 

He swallows and rests his head against your shoulder, breathing slowly as he tried to process what he had just felt with you. 

"Yes...yes, I'm okay...that...that was incredible. You're incredible..." He whispers, his mind still feeling wild with everything he felt, but also beginning to slowly return to a calmer state from before. You held onto one another for a while, not speaking just breathing and existing together. 

"Can't believe we did it in a church" You say, with a giggle. 

He slowly sat up, removing himself from you. He ran a hand through his hair as he looked at you, his eyes still full of desire, but also full of something else, he was in awe of you. 

"I know..I never thought I could do anything like this..least of all in a church. But I don't regret it, I don't want to regret what we did...I'm glad we did" He says, his eyes still roaming over your body, he couldn't help himself. 

"You don't regret it?" You ask carefully, a small part of you worried, he would. Maybe he'd get angry at you. But he shook his head, looking into your eyes. 

"No...I don't regret it, not even a little bit. I don't regret doing that with you, not after what it felt like...not after hearing you like that. It's something I will never forget. I'll never regret doing something I wanted to so, so badly"

"You just threw away a life to god, for a girl, you just met" You say quietly. He did feel horrible for it, forgoing his life goals, but he knew from the moment he had set his eyes on you, that he could never resist you, he could never resist the temptation...

"I know...I know I sacrificed something I swore my life to...but it's something I wanted to do. I wanted you, you won over god"

"Bucky...you...you don't even know me" You whisper, the guilt suddenly settling in, surprising you, you hadn't thought you would feel guilt, but when you looked into his blue eyes. "I can't believe I did this to you"

Bucky shook his head, not knowing what to say, but he knew he wanted to say something to make you understand. 

"It's not your fault, don't put this on yourself...I'm the one that threw my life away. Don't feel guilty. You're innocent in this. This is my doing, it's my fault, I wanted it too" He explains, though you wanted to giggle, you definitely were not innocent. 

"I...I don't even know why I'm feeling guilt, I never do...What makes you, so different" You say, wiggling a little, still lying underneath him. He was staring at you, his eyes roaming over your body like you were the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. He wasn't sure of the answer himself, but he had to explain. At least try to explain why he felt the way he did and why he felt like he couldn't resist you, and what was different about you. 

"I don't know why either...You make me feel powerless" He whispers. You smile softly, feeling the same about him, you reach up and press your lips against his ever so slightly. You both sigh contently into the kiss for a moment, before you move away and ask. 

"What do we do now?"

Bucky swallowed as he wondered the same thing. He knew that he had given up everything he had sworn to do. He could never be a priest again, ever. He was lost and he really had no idea what to do. 

"I...I don't know...What are we supposed to do. I'm lost. I feel like I should have a plan, but I don't...I really don't have a clue on what the hell I'm going to do now" He whispers, feeling lost. And you felt the same. Neither of you belong here. Maybe he never did belong here. 

"Fuck.."You whisper, then thinking of an idea. "We could run away together"

Bucky thought about it for a moment, nodding his head slowly, the idea beginning to make sense to him the more he thought about it. 

"Run away together...I like the sound of that...yes. We could run away together, we'll go somewhere we won't be found, we start over and we stay together"

"We could...I have no money...but I'll get a job, we'll drive away, get money, move into a quiet little cabin, away from people" 

Bucky smiles slightly as you talk, imagining the scenario in his head. He loved it, the idea of running away together to somewhere no one would know know of. He loved the idea of being alone, with you. And only you. 

"I have money, I have enough to last us for a long time, we could live for months, maye a year. But yes, we can live somewhere away from everyone. Somewhere quiet and away from any prying eyes"

"And you're sure?" You ask quietly. He nodded, more confident than ever that he was making the right choice by choosing to run away with you. 

"Yes...yes I'm sure. No hesitation, I know what I want, and it's you. I'm sure of it, I want to run away with you" He says quietly, his nose bumping yours slightly. 

"Let's go then" You say smiling. He smiled and nodded, leaning down to give you a kiss. 

"Alright then, we'll pack, and get out of here as soon as we could" He says quietly,

"We need to get up and get dressed and go" You say, smirking, the idea was mad, completely crazy. But you never felt like you belonged in this village. You never felt like you belong anywhere, but with Bucky, you could belong. He stood up first, helping you onto your feet, you dress quickly and take both his hands in yours, standing in front of him. 

"I'll go to my house, and then we meet here, in an hour?" You ask, rubbing your hands over his palms and up his arms. 

"Perfect, I'll see you in an hour" He says with a smile. 

"See you soon handsome" You whisper, reaching up to peck his lips lightly. 

Bucky kissed you back, feeling himself blush at the compliment, a smile appearing on his face. He looks down at you, meeting your eyes, feeling new feelings wash through him. 

"I'll see you soon beautiful" He whispers, kissing you again, before he slowly released you from his arms, watching you leave his church. Soon you'd be together, away from this town, and together. Where nobody knew you. You couldn't wait, you packed the very basic things, leaving a note for your parents, before you met Bucky back at the church, he was ready with his car. And with one more kiss, you got into the car and drove away from the village where neither of you belonged. Both scared and terrified for the next step into the adventure, but you'd be together. 

[toxicmalysh]

Guys hear me outttt

Mommy Wanda with a belly bulge kink...

Word count: 1k+

Content warnings: Top mean mommy Wanda X GN!reader (I tried my best guys sorry) fingering (r recieving), strap on (r recieving), sadism, slight squirting, slight overstim, breeding kink, sexual punishments, ellusions to sexual manipulation. This is just pure filth guys

✧⋆✦⋆✧

Your eyes squeezed shut at the feeling of her fingers slipping in and out of your gummy walls. Wanda groaned at the way you throbbed around her…

“God you're so tight, pretty pet.. mommy will stretch you out..”

You swore she was talking to herself at the way she lowered her voice.

Wanda had wasted no time in getting you to your room after one of Tony's party's.

You had teased her for hours, thinking the most vulgar thoughts, knowing she would be listening.

You were now shaking against your shared bed, on the edge of your third orgasm…

You whined as Wanda spat on your clit,

“Such a pretty pussy…”

She gave it a harsh slap causing you to squirt a small amount, white heat filling your head.

“Oh you like that? You like when mommy spanks what's hers? What a dirty plaything I have..”

She pulled her hand away suddenly, seconds before your much needed orgasm.

“Mommy no-”

You immediately paused your protest as her green eyes pierced yours, a look of disgust on her face.

“Wait here… do not touch yourself.” her tone was cold and firm.

You nodded quickly as Wanda walked into the ensuite bathroom. You could hear the familiar sound of her strap fabric rubbing together. Fuck. The throbbing between your legs was unbearable, your cunt gushing as you tried to ignore your clit begging for relief.

You squeezed your thighs together, rubbing them slightly.. your hands found your stiff nipples, already red and sore from Wanda's sadistic tendencies. Your eyes shut slowly as you pinched and pulled at your breasts feeling your wetness sticking to your thighs.

“Ow!” You called out after a sharp sting traveled from your thigh up your leg. Your eyes shot open, admiring the harm print that was left. You then looked over Wanda stood to the side of the bed.

"What did I say?"

She was wearing her strap as expected but the attachment was new. You gulped as you processed the size of the toy. It was massive, at least 9 inches in length. How were you supposed to take that?

“Not so brave now are we?” You rolled your eyes as Wanda climbed onto the bed. Her knees spread your thighs as her hand wrapped around your throat.

“Mommy doesn't like punishing you. She likes rewarding her good pet, but when you misbehave like tonight I have to teach you there are consequences for your actions. And now you think it's acceptable to roll your eyes at me?”

It was a lie, Wanda loved punishing you, hearing the whimpers fall from your lips, listening to the squelching sound you pussy made especially for punishments, watching the tears roll down your cheeks and admiring the marks that were left on your skin.

She wouldn't admit it but she would find an excuse to manipulate you into thinking showing you when you'd done something wrong just to spank you a few times.

“I'm sorry Wanda I just dont-” you were cut off by a harsh slap on your right breast. She practically spat her words out as she leaned closer to you, her hand still squeezing your throat.

“That's not my fucking name.”

“Mommy I'm sorry..”

Your eyes took in the large dildo as Wanda began quickly lining it up with your sloppy cunt.

“If you want to misbehave and act like a brat, I will treat you like one.”

She didn't bother spreading you wetness or her spit across the toy, she simply slid it into your slippery walls, whilst simultaneously pushing your thighs to your chest into a mating press.

You both watched in awe as you saw the tip of the toy through your stomach. You moaned loudly, feeling the toy in your gut, your eyes fixated on the moving head as she moved back and forth slowly, the bulge moving with the strap.

“Look at that.. such a greedy pussy.. all for mommy.”

You nodded, your hum a broken whimper as you nodded, your lip between your teeth. Holy fuck you felt full.

Wanda wanted to take it slow, and allow you to get use to the size of the toy, but watching it move from your stomach, she gave into her needs.

She growled as she placed one hand on the bulge, you pussy making a “schlick” noise as your back arched,

“Oh my god~.”

Your moan was broken, and throaty as your hands naturally reached for Wanda's back.

You felt tears prick at your eyes from the stinging sensation and the added pressure from Wanda's hand. It hurt, so, good.

And this was Wanda's plan, to mix pain with pleasure. Force guide you into that fuzzy headspace you loved so much, and give you so much pleasure, whilst hurting you, you associated the pair.

You craved pain. Your masochistic side growing from each spank, stretch, and pinch. It was addictive.

Your eyes rolled to the back of your head and you naturally pulled Wanda closer to you. She pulled away suddenly, and you gasped as the toy was ripped from your gaping hole. Before you could complain, Wanda dragged you to the edge of your bed, she stood in front of you, with her hand still pressing your legs to your chest, the other pushing down on your stomach. Her left leg came up to rest on the bed beside you, as she slid the toy back into you. She was able to thrust much harder and faster.

Wanda was grunting as her eyes fixated on the moving bulge, you watched her eyes, her pupils blown and her mouth pulled into a sadistic smirk. The pressure of it all was sending you head first over the edge. Wanda's voice came out as a breathless, condescending tone as if she was asking a child the question.

“What if mommy did something to her cock?”

Your eyes looked down to her strap for a moment still memorised by the visible movement. You wanted to ask her to continue but your mouth opened in a silent moan as her hand moved to your swollen clit.

“What if mommy wanted to cum inside you hm? Oh you'd look so cute, all swollen, full of mommy's pups.”

A rush of red, hot, pleasure coursed through your whole body. You felt a flash of arousal leaking around her strap.

“You like that idea hm? Want mommy to fill your little tummy up?”

You nodded rapidly, your body paralyzed as you were seconds from falling over the edge.

“God, look at that.”

A red wisp of energy flicked your chin up forcing you to look at the bulge in your stomach once more.

You both moaned in unison, growling at the new found pleasure.

“Mom- mommy.. need to cum? Please? Cum?”

You couldn't even get your words out, broken from a consistent string of moans.

Wanda's eyes flickered up,

“Go on, cum for me, milk mommy's cock.”

You almost screamed as a throaty moan clawed its way from your lips. Your pussy spasmed around Wanda's cock, the toy slipping out slowly from the force of your orgasm. Your thighs vibrated uncontrollably as Wanda kept running circles around your overstimulated clit.

“I'm starting to think I need to come up with some new punishments…”

[urstruly-ghst]

why are you covered in kisses ? - randoms

in which you see them awake covered in your kiss marks

author's note: hehe im still churning the fics but woohh i got this idea on a tiktok. enjoyyy >:3 (the characters i have written for... okay maybe there's biases because im soft for them, k?)

silver

"is there something wrong, my love?" you ask as you giggled to see the groggy man wake up. you saw how his face was stained with your lipstick, silver was looking at you with a questioning look. he stood up, and walked to the pond, wondering if it was something on his face.

"this." he points at his face, and you just laugh. he sighed and smiles at the way you try to avoid his questioning

"your fault, i was having so much fun kissing you and you didn't wake up! ah, and look, you're now stained pink, hehe"

he sighed and smiled before ruffling your head and holding your hand as you walk into the sunset. you both part ways, and you knew silver was with sebek when all you heard were the scandalous gasp and scolding of sebek to silver.

ah, at least he was proud to show that off.

ace trappola

"now i know you're obsessed with me" ace proclaimed proudly as he went to the mirror in your room and smirked. he admired each kiss mark, feeling a sense of pride.

you roll your eyes and try to wipe the lipstick off. he dodged your attempt and glared at you. he stuck his tongue out and screeched at your attempts.

"your ego. god, you will neverrr let this go. i just know!" you ran after him and all the ghosts and grim heard was either you screaming or ace's screeches when you finally caught up to him.

"though, i did caught you lacking. wha?!" and soon more screeching was heard. the other residents of ramshackle sigh and just try to block out such disaster.

"jeez. those two always yell." one ghost noted and the other scoffed while trying to block the noise, "tell me about it."

deuce spade

deuce was in a hurry to prepare for the roses for the unbirthday party, he didn't bother to wake you up from the nap you two had. he went up and grabbed his dorm jacket and left ramshackle quickly, not before leaving a text for you. as he walked to the garden, everyone was staring at him. it was only cater who had the guts to speak (tease) up about it.

"hey deucey. uhm, question. are you like flexing to everyone or are you not aware of the... situation on your face?" deuce was perplexed and was a blushing mess when cater took a snapshot and showed deuce your masterpiece.

"ah! oh sevens! wait im so sorry?!" deuce panicked as he tried to wipe off the mess. he was frantic and shaking his head. while he appreciated it, he felt like this was such a mess.

amidst that, cater texted you and had a laugh. you pout and texted cater back.

"leave my juice alone. plus, haters stay mad"

leona kingscholar

you were just in the middle of kissing him when he awoke from his nap with a grumpy look. you smile and show him a small, sheepish, smile. he grumbled and shook his head.

"what are you doing, herbivore?" leona said as he held your chin and tilted his head to stare at you. his green eyes capturing your soul.

"noooothing" you drawl out your syllables in hopes that he'll spare you from the punishment of staying in bed the entire day with nothing else to do but sleep.

"speak." leona deadpanned and you sigh and surrender. you reach for your phone and, while giggling, open your camera to show the kiss marks. he smirked before nodding off, he pulled you in close and whispered lowly

"i like it. but that doesn't change the fact you woke me up. now, stay." ah, there he was. your grumpy king.

[venusbyline]

Fault ࿐ྂ Kinktober. 15, oct.

— pairing: Spencer Reid x girlfriend!reader

— type: smut, dark, Kinktober (Criminal Minds Edition)

— kink: safeword use

— summary: You knew things were different since Spencer came back from prison. But you never imagined he would hurt you so bad.

— word count: 1.2k

— tags/warnings: kinktober 15th day, female!reader, post-prison!Reid, dubcon, safeword use, ignored safeword, rough sex, vaginal sex, degradation, asphyxiation, breathplay, rape/non-con elements, fingering, pussy slapping, dacryphilia, crying, light bondage, overstimulation, sadism, no aftercare, ambiguous/open ending, curse words, switching, mild angst, dom!Reid, sub!reader, porn with plot. no use of y/n. english is not my first language.

— tagging list: @thatredlipped-classic @purplehaze206 @ehedrick012110 @hotchsmutrecs @slutcakes00 @emma-e-a @helo1281917

— crossposting: AO3

Ever since Spencer came back from prison, you had already noticed something different about him. You knew about the traumas and fears he went through when he was arrested, just as you knew about the constant nightmares he had, always involving those times or even involving you. He never wanted to tell you what they were about, but you figured they did not involve good things. They were probably about his traumatizing memories. His dark desires.

You also realized that Spencer was different when he did not come back refusing your touch, but searching for more. Mainly sexually. It was almost suffocating, precisely because he was a very different version of the shy, nerdy boy you had fallen in love with years ago.

Spencer always liked being submissive to you. Letting you take control of the moment. Letting you make him a whining mess, begging for more. More touches. More kisses. More sex. More of you. He always needed you to be the dominant side of sex.

But now... Everything has changed.

You knew your boyfriend better than anyone. You knew what he was doing was not just trying something new or being a switch. Spencer was punishing you.

With each rough thrust, with each cruel word spoken as he pressed you tightly against the mattress and placed his hands on your waist so he could increase his movements' speed even further.

Spencer Reid was punishing you. He was blaming you. He was blaming his own girlfriend.

You did not know exactly why. You could not remember anything wrong you could have done to him in the last few months. There was nothing that could cause such a huge change to his personality and your relationship's dynamics. There was nothing but the traumas tormenting his mind. His mental ghosts and cages.

"S-Spencie, stop. It's too much, baby..." Your voice came out trembling and tearful while he gripped your neck tighter than expected, pressing your face into the pillow so hard that your hands immediately began to grip the sheets to try to lift yourself up.

Your lungs were begging for and you tried to move beneath him, his cock practically impaling you with each thrust, fucking you like he wanted to break you. You never cared if he was rough or if you were sore afterwards — even if it was rare because you were more dominant in the relationship, but being submissive for now could be just as good. At least if he did not seem to hate you every time he fucked you in the last few weeks.

"P-please stop... Spencer, it hurts. You're really scaring me..." You muffled, starting to panic at the feeling of the pillow preventing you from breathing properly.

As soon as you managed to put your hands behind your back to touch his chest, a loud cry out echoed throughout the room when Spencer took the opportunity to pull both of your arms back, holding you and lifting your body off the mattress, continuing to fuck you like an animal. "Fuck, couldn't you breathe, little princess?"

His words were bitter and sharp, making you whimper pathetically when he stopped moving his hips to bite your neck and mock you, keeping your hands firmly behind your back. "You're weak and pathetic. You know how much I endured inside that fucking prison? You know how much I'd to suffer and feel pain? And you're crying like a spoiled little cunt 'cause you can't breathe for at least a few seconds?"

You did not know what to say. You were scared and confused. Your mind was void. Completely blank. You could only focus on the pain you were feeling, having your hands being held by your boyfriend, the pain of his deep thrusts inside you and how it all seemed too much. Why did Spencer hate you now? Why was he fucking you like he really wanted to hurt you? To break you?

You knew you needed to say something. You knew you needed to say your safeword, the one that would make him stop everything. The one that would make him go back to normal or at least make his cock come out of your sore pussy and leave you alone for a while.

You knew you needed your safeword, but you could not bring yourself to say it. You could not say anything other than sob when he pushed your body back down, pushing your face harder as you struggled, starting to cry and sob in panic, squirming as he lowered himself onto you. Now, his chest was against your back and he kept fucking you even deeper and rough, but with one hand almost crushing your breast and the other rubbing your clit.

"Your pussy makes me sick..." Spencer growled, slapping your overstimulated bud hard and making you cry out with pain, tears flowing when you realized that he was going too far. "Stupid, brainless little bitch, crying like a whore while creaming my cock. That's all you're good for. I should tie you to this bed, fill you with cum whenever I wanted, even if you—"

"SALEM!"

Spencer continued fucking you after your voice full of pain, fear and despair, but he was in complete shock. You had screamed the safeword. You had actually screamed the safeword that you two chose since your first time together, when you remembered that the first thing he said when he met you at the pub was a random curiosity about the Salem Witch Trials. You had been together for years and none of you never needed to say that. You had never gone too far with him when you were taking the dominant role, but Spencer… He had brought this on you. On both of you.

He had not realize how destroyed he was after his arrest or how your relationship was already becoming almost toxic. Spencer had not realized why he acted like he hated you until he saw what he had done to you. Until he realized that he had continued fucking you for about twenty minutes even after you said your safeword. Your face red from crying, your sobs echoing through the room, your arms gripping the bed sheets as if they were an anchor of sanity for both of you, your body weak and trembling due to the rough of the last few hours...

Spencer saw the fear in your eyes. You were scared of him. "Baby... I'm... I'm so sorry..." He began to stutter, his voice panicked, as sweet as it was before he was arrested. "Fuck, I'm so sorry."

He pulled out of you, letting out a soft involuntary moan at the absence of contact, but his own eyes filled with tears when he saw how you sighed in relief amidst the crying and how your pussy looked swollen, reddish and bruised. Because of him.

“Love, I swear… I'm so—" He cut himself off the second you started sobbing and hyperventilating at his sudden touch of your hair. Spencer could not stop the tears from running down his cheeks, wetting his stubble. "Baby, please. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, love, believe me. Please, forgive me..."

Spencer Reid knew almost everything about the world. Any curiosity about physics, chemistry, mathematics, history, philosophy... but Spencer Reid did not know what had happened to his mind lately. He did not know how to fix his relationship. He did not know what to do to fix you. You were panicking. You were scared. You were so fucking broken. And it was all his fault.

Criminal Minds Edition - Masterlist

HOTD Edition - Masterlist

Venusbyline's Kinktober 2024 - Masterlist

[multific]

Forbidden

Emperor Caracalla x Goddess!Reader

Summary: You just loved him. You wanted him to be happy and healthy, but for your actions, you must be punished. No God should interfere with the mortals. 

Was it truly that bad?

How can a love this strong and honest be bad?

How can anyone say your feelings were wrong?

He might be an Emperor, a mortal. 

But you loved him. 

With all of your heart. 

"You healed him." the Gods yelled at you. "We can't interfere with the mortals, you know that!"

"But I love him!" were your last words before you were banished.

A fallen God.

But at least, your love was alive.

By saving him, you also saved his brother and you saved Rome. 

Your heart was too big you were often told.

But now you were forced to live amongst mortals. Hiding in the outskirts of Rome in the woods by a pond. 

When Caracalla felt overwhelmed, he often needed to be alone.

Sometimes it was simply too much. The people, their demands and the crowd. 

During these times he ran away to the nearby forest.

The calmness of it often calmed him, his favourite spot was a pond. A small little pond which was filled with life.

But this time, he wasn't alone.

He noticed a lady walking along the bank before walking into the water. The water reached her knees.

She looked so beautiful. 

Caracalla moved and as he did his loud steps scared the woman.

Your eyes snapped at him and suddenly a cold breeze froze you in one place.

The man you loved so much. The man you healed and got banished for.

"Emperor Caracalla." you didn't even realize you said his name. 

"Who are you?" he asked but you quickly got out of the water and ran away. 

You ran but he followed you.

He was quick as he caught your hand, making you stop and turn but you were too fast, making both of you fall as you fell on him.

"I'm sorry." you tried to collect yourself but his hand gripped your wrist.

"I have seen you before, in my dreams." he said as you both stood up and he took a step closer to you. 

"You must be mistaken." you tried to leave, you really did, but he didn't let you. "Please let me leave. I shouldn't be talking to you." you watched as his eyes searched yours then looked around, trying to find someone.

"I dreamt of you. It must mean something. Perhaps the Gods sent you to me."

"Quite the opposite," you whisper.

"You must come with me."

"Please, I just want to go home."

"It is your Emperor's request." his tone changed as now he was serious.

You couldn't say no.

---

You soon found yourself in his personal room, sitting in a chair as he watched you.

"Who are you? What is your name?"

"It is Y/N. I'm a no one, My Emperor I can assure you."

"Why were you in my dreams? I cannot dream of a no one."

"I'm sure it wasn't me. You must be mistaken."

"I'm not. I remember. It was you, standing there while I slept. A beautiful light illuminated you." he must have been semi-conscious when you healed him. 

You were shaking your head.

"I'm sure your dream was lovely, but it was not me, Your Majesty." 

He leaned closer to you, watching your face as you avoided his gaze.

"Who are you?" he whispered. His voice was collected and strong.

"A simple woman." you replied with a shaky tone.

"No. You must be much more. You shall stay here until I find out who you really are"

And again, you had no other choice.

---

You met his brother the following day.

Although at first, he was suspicious of you, he soon realized that you might just be the newest plaything for his brother.

"My Lady?" Caracalla's voice called from behind you as you turned to him. "Dinner will be served soon. Just the two of us. My brother is not in the palace."

You simply nodded.

You have spent the past month with Caracalla. And as you sat down next to him on the bench, you couldn't hold it in any longer.

"I admit I haven't been truthful to you, Your Majesty. You see, your dream of me healing you was real. I did heal you from your illness. It is why I have been banished from the Gods." 

"I always knew you were special." he smiled. "From the moment I saw you by the pond. Why did you heal me?"

"Because I fell in love with you."

"No woman ever loved me."

"I'm not a woman, I'm a Goddess." you whispered and he grabbed your hand, and brought it to his lips. 

"Of course, you are, My Goddess." he looked into your eyes and soon leaned closer and sealed your lips in a kiss.

Gladiator II Collection

Taglist: 

@castellandiangelo @imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl @manduse @jacalineiscomingforyou 

@mandoloriancookie @deliciousfestsalad @lilliumrorum @asgards-princess-of-mischief 

@fallout-girl219 @dracaryxzs @snowtargaryen @mel-vaz @akamitrani

~Masterlist~

ˇAO3ˇ

/YOU DO NOT HAVE PERMISSION TO TRANSLATE, TO STEAL OR TO REUPLOAD ANY OF MY WORKS TO THIS OR OTHER PLATFORMS/

[abilouwrites]

YOU WERE DESTINED FOR ME

PERHAPS AS A PUNISHMENT

“What the hell happened to you?” I find myself asking Violet at what feels to be two in the morning. She broken through the window multiple times and, tonight likely won’t be her last. Her nose is bent in the wrong direction and her eyes. Jesus, “babe what the hell did you do?”

She exhales, and thinks long and hard on how she answers my question, “some- fight. Stupid guy saying shit. I don’t want.. no-one needs to see this” she shakes her head and pushes her hair out of her face.

“Alright, I. Let me go downstairs and get some bandages and.. can you shower? You. Smell like.. piss” I turn my head at her and point her in the direction of my bathroom. Which she rolls her eyes at, “did you at least win?” I ask. Standing at the doorframe and watching her busy about my closet.

“Yeah. Something like that” She turns to look at me, “are those…”

“Shut up. Before I kick you out. Angry oil slick” I tease gently and she looks away slightly, “I’ll be back. Be quiet .. please” I beg. Mostly because she’s not as sure footed as she likes to seem.

I chew at my lip as I listen to the shower run and I riffle through my parents medical cabinets, “alcohol pads. Gauze.. bandaids. Splint” I murmur to myself as I bag every thing I think I might need before I run back upstairs. Violets hopped out of the shower. Has my towel wrapped around her and she’s pushing her hair back. With my brush in her hands, “just pull your hair out after”

“Will do” I follow after her in the bathroom. She’s got her boxers on. And a loose tank-top covering her chest, “hey” she smiles. Leaning back against the sink counter. She’s smug, with her ugly broken nose and fat cut against her lip.

“Don’t. Violet I thought we talked about it.. I just. Not comfortable with you fighting. I know the money’s good but is it worth it?” I question her, taking the packet of alcohol wipes and opening it. I’m pressed against her as I wipe the still bleeding blood from her nose, and I wipe at the cut on her lip. She hisses slightly. Digging her fingers into the ledge of the counter.

“Ow ow stop please” she whines, eyes jammed shut as she pulls away

“Stop fighting. Vi..” I whisper again, I don’t know how many times I’ll have to ask for it to come true. Like a Christmas dream, that she’d magically stop punching people in fighting rings. And have it carry down to the streets.

She looks at me, “and miss seeing you in this?” Her hands go to lift at my shirt. Gently teasing the witness of my stomach, “my favorite, ‘I heart my girlfriend’ shirt.. yeah?” She leans slightly, hand sliding past the shirt and touching the bare skin beneath it. Her lips centimeters away, “comon baby, you know I come home safe?”

“Mnh.. and uh.. who’s home are we at?” I ask and she smiles into the crevice of my neck, “Mnh.. Violet” her hands travel up my back. The roughness of her palms against my skin. She pushes off from the counter and wraps her free hand around me.

“Fuck. Mnh I know we should be talking.. but this is talking mnh? Huh?” She kisses against my lips, her thumbs gently caress the underside of my boobs. She moves from my lips to my neck. Soft pants and moans spill their way from my lips.

“Violet- we can’t. Mm- Violet” I finally shout out quiet and gentle and squirm my way from her grasp, “stop- I mean- we need to talk please” I beg quietly as she pulls away.

And that’s how she is, either all in our all out; her hands pull away from my skin and she fixes my shirt to cover the rest of my stomach, “what? What is it you want to talk about?” She asks, her hands find her hips and she pouts gently.

“I can’t. Do this. I can’t fall asleep at night and not wonder where you are, I can’t” I sigh and cover my face, “I need you to stop- doing whatever the hell you’re doing that makes you come to my house in the middle of the night bloodied and bruised. Violet I’m scared. I’m terrified. One day- one day I’m going hear from someone that you’re dead. Or hurt. Or something like that” I explain to her. I take my hands and pull at my fingers as I look at her, “what? Say something? Vi”

“Ok. I’ll stop. I’ll stop pitfighting.. and I’ll help around at ‘The last drop’ I’ll. I will find something different” She breathes. I relax, my eyebrow raised as I look at her.

“Really? Violet this is- are you sure?” I ask, shaking my head slightly.

“Babydoll.. I’d pick you over fighting some stupid guy anyday”

[giritina]

Lately I've been dipping my toe into the mess that is transandrophobia discourse, and in the process I've been presented with one question in many forms:

"Do trans men experience misogyny?"

My initial answer was "these terms are all theoretical frameworks for a vast range of human experiences, why would you choose to frame your pre-transition experiences as that of a woman?" This makes sense to me, but clearly isn't satisfactory to many of the people sending me anons. As much as I might want to use my own life as a case study, I can't very well tell these people in my asks box "no, you've never experienced something that could be categorized as misogyny." Still, the question bothers me.

I think that's because the question obfuscates the actual debate. It's clear to me the question we are debating is not one of "experience" but "authority." That is:

"Do (binary) trans men understand what it's like to be a woman?"

My answer? No.

How can I justify that when we have, since birth, been raised as women? Well, because we also have, since birth, been trans men. If we cast aside the idea of transness as a modern social construct or anything other than an innate and biological reality, this has to be true. Even before you ever came out to yourself, you were transgender. Transphobia has dictated every moment of your life. Your idea of what "womanhood" is is not at all the same as a woman's, be it cis or trans. Why? Because a woman does not react to "being a woman" with the dysphoria, dissociation, and profound sense of wrongness that you do. [If you do not experience these things, a cis or trans woman, at the very least, does not identify as a binary trans man.] A woman sincerely identifies as a woman, and identity plays a pivotal role in how we absorb societal messaging.

Let's take homophobia as an example. While any queer person has probably experienced targeted episodes of bigotry, the majority of bigotry we experience must necessarily be broad and social. Boys learn to fear becoming a faggot as a group, but the boy who is a faggot will internalize those messages in a completely different way to the boys who only need learn to assert the heterosexual identity already inherent in them through violence. All of them are suffering to some extent, but their experiences are not at all equivalent. This is despite the fact that they've all absorbed the same message, maybe even at the same moment, through the same events. Still, we don't say that a straight boy knows what it is like to be a gay boy. Similarly, cis women do not know what it is like to be a trans man despite being fed the same transphobic messaging in a superficially identical context. It isn't a stretch to say the same can apply to misogyny.

Because I can't speak for you, I'll use myself as an example for a moment. I'll give my bonafides: I am a gender-nonconforming, T4T queer, white, binary trans man. I am on T, and I have recently come out to my family. I do not pass. My career as a comic writer is tied to my identity as a trans man. I can confidently say I have never been impacted by misogyny the same way as my friends who actually identify as women. This manifested early on as finding it easy to shrug off the messaging that I needed to be X or Y way to be a woman. In fact, most gender roles slid off my back expressly because breaking them gave me euphoria. I was punished in many ways for this, but being this sort of cis woman did help me somewhat. It's easy to be "one of the guys" in a social climbing sense if you really do feel more comfortable as a man. It also helped me disregard misogyny aimed at me or others because it seemed like an shallow form of bigotry. It was something you could shrug off, but it was important for building "unity" among women. I thought this must be the case for all women, that we all viewed misogyny as a sort of "surface level" bigotry. However, for whatever conditional status I gained in this role, there was a clear message that if I did "become" a man, every non-conformist trait about me would just become a grotesque and parodic masculinity.

That was the threat that was crushing me, destroying my identity and self esteem. That was what I knew intimately through systemic, verbal, physical, and sexual abuse. I could express my nonconformity as a cis woman, but if I took it so far as to transition to male? I would be a pathetic traitor, a social outcast. I truly believe that throughout my life people were able to see that I was not just a failed woman, but an emasculated man.

I do partly feel that the sticking point for many is the idea that the sexual abuse suffered by trans men is inherent to womanhood, and therefore inexplicable if trans men are men from birth. While this disregards the long history of sexual abuse of young boys, especially minority boys, I do see the emotional core. I'll offer that the sexual abuse I suffered was intrinsically linked to my emmasculation, my boyishness, despite the fact that I was not out to myself or anyone else. I believe many trans men have suffered being the proxy for cis women's desire for retribution against cis men, or for cis men and women's desire for an eternally nubile young boy. I also believe they have suffered corrective assault that attempts to push them back into womanhood, which in itself is an experience unique to transness rather than actual womanhood.

I'll note quickly that many, many trans men cannot relate to the idea of feeling confident and above it all when it comes to womanhood. Many of you probably tried desperately to conform, working every moment to convince yourself you were a woman and to perfectly inhabit that identity. I definitely experienced this as well (though for me it was specifically attempting to conform to butchness) but I can concede many of you experienced it more than I did. I still believe that this desperate play-acting is also not equivalent to true womanhood. It is a uniquely transgender experience, one that shares much more in common with trans women desperately attempting to conform to manhood than with true womanhood.

One key theme running through the above paragraphs is the idea that "womanhood" is synonymous with "suffering." A trans man must know what it is like to be a woman because he suffers like one. It should be noted that actual womanhood is not a long stretch of suffering. It often involves joy, euphoria, sisterhood, a general love and happiness at being a woman. It wasn't until I admitted to myself I had never been a woman that I was able to see how the women in my life were not women out of obligation, but because they simply were. The idea that you are a woman because you suffer is more alligned with radfem theory than any reality of womanhood.

When I admitted my identity to myself I was truly faced with the ways that my ability to stand up to misogyny did not equate to being anti-misogynist. I was giddy to finally be able to admit to being a man, and suddenly all that messaging that "slid off my back" was a useful tool in my arsenal. Much like cis gay men feel compelled to assert their disgust for vaginas and women after a life of being compelled towards heterosexuality, I felt disgust and aversion to discussions of womanhood as an identity. I didn't even want to engage with female fictional characters. I viewed other people's sincere expressions of their own womanhood as a coded dismissal of my identity. Like many people before and after, I made women into the rhetorical device that had oppressed me. Not patriarchy, not transphobia, but womanhood and women broadly. It wasn't explicit bigotry, but the effects were the same. I had to unlearn this with the help of my bigender partner, who felt unsettled and hurt by the way I could so easily turn "woman" into nothing but a theoretical category which represented my personal suffering.

This brings me to another point: I sometimes receive messages from nonbinary trans mascs telling me that it's absurd to think they don't understand womanhood and identify with misogyny in a deeper way. I would agree that, if you sincerely identify in some capacity as a woman, you are surely impacted by misogyny in a way I am not. However, why are you coming to the defense of binary trans men like me? Less charitably, why are you projecting a female identity on us? Perhaps my experience frustrates you so deeply because we simply do not have the same experience at all. Perhaps we are not all that united by our agab, by our supposed female socialization.

So, no. I do not believe that binary trans men know what it's like to be women. I don't believe we are authorities on womanhood. I do not believe that when a trans woman endeavors to talk about transmisogyny, your counterargument about your own experiences of misogyny is useful. I ESPECIALLY do not believe that it is in any way valid to say that you are less misogynist, less prone to being misogynist, or-- god forbid-- INCAPABLE of misogyny because you were raised as a girl. I also don't believe your misogyny is equivalent to that of a woman's internalized misogyny in form or impact.

For as much as many in this movement downplay privilege as merely "conditional," those conditions do exist. They do place you firmly in the context of the rest of the world. Zoom out and look at the history of oppressed men, and you'll find the same reactionary movement repeated over and over. Attacking the women in your community for not being soft enough, nice enough, patient enough, rather than fighting the powers that be. Why do I believe your identity is more alligned with cis manhood than any form of womanhood? Because this song and dance has been done a hundred times before by men of every stripe. Transphobia is real, and your life experience has been uniquely defined by it since birth. This is a thing to rally around, to fight against, but you all have fallen for a (trans)misogynistic phantasm in your efforts at self-actualization. You are not the first, and you will not be the last. Get out of this pipeline before it's too late.

[cowboy-heart]

'interview with a butch' - a fake interview reflecting on butch-femme dynamics! inspired by the amazing piece by @llovely, which you can read here :)

(ID below read more)

[an original, interview-style poem called 'interview with a butch':

when did you know you were butch? I knew by the time I was sixteen, but that’s only when I found the word. I’ve been butch since the day I was born, at least since I was just a few months old and threw an earth-shattering tantrum whenever my mum tried to put me in a dress. (both laugh) your poor mum!

I remember being a little butch knight, chivalrous even before I was double digits. my best friend only lived up the road from school, but her parents were running late and she was scared to do it herself. so I walked her up the hill, her arm linked in mine, pride balancing on my chest. and when I got her to her door, I said that we should kiss like adults do when they say goodbye, and we took it in turns to kiss each other on each cheek. when I walked home I felt something the size of a boulder in my stomach, but I didn’t know what it meant yet, just that there was something about myself that set me apart.

how did you feel with your first femme? oh, man, even for a writer that’s hard to find the words for. (laugh) let’s put it this way: before I had my first femme, I always felt like something was missing in my relationships – not just in the relationship itself, but in me. I felt broken and wrong, unsatisfied and selfish. I thought that maybe I just had too high expectations or something. hell, even with sex I felt like something was missing, like I couldn’t find my own desire.

But then, then I had my first femme. How graphic can I be here? (laugh) as graphic as you want! okay, good!

watching my stomach hang over my harness, long nails in my hips, I felt like I had a second sexual awakening. I felt the most present in my body I’d ever been, and like I could be in them forever. I didn’t feel dissatisfied, or wrong. when their hand held mine and played with my fingers I felt lightning shoot through me. it was like realising I was a lesbian all over again. but even outside of romance, femmes are my friends, my family, my community. talking to femmes, being around femmes, I’ve never felt so seen and loved. I can handle every sharp look, every slur thrown my way, just because my armour was polished by femmes.

do you find your roles restrictive? they’re liberating. I think sometimes people see me and think that I had to fit into this constrictive box, that I disallowed myself to enjoy anything feminine. the reality is that for butches, we find the word we’ve been searching for our whole lives. I can’t even remember finding the word, isn’t that crazy? it felt second nature. it somehow perfectly described everything I’d ever felt, exposed me to a community of people who were just like me outside of my Tory town! (pause)

I think there’s a tendency even in leftist, LGBT spaces to think that masculinity is oppressive, and femininity is liberating and oppressed. but it’s really not like that. we’re punished for deviating from our assigned gender, whether you’re a masculine woman, or a feminine man, or something in between the two. I’ve had gay men try to convince me to let them do my makeup, I’ve had gay women tell me that they’re “so glad” I don’t have ‘toxic masculinity’ like “other butches”. femininity was a cage for me, something I had to imitate to survive the perils of high school, but it was never me. masculinity liberated me, and it’s not inherently toxic. I love to carry the bags, hold open the doors, cry in pride, protect those I love. and there’s nothing like coming home at the end of the day to a sweet femme, ready to rub my tired muscles. man, I’m not good at concise answers, am I? (both laugh) no, but I love it!

what do you think of people who see your relationship as heteronormative? they’re twats! (both laugh) now, that’s a concise answer! no, no that’s not fair. here’s what I’d say to them:

I see it as…a complex gender performance. no, that makes it sound like it’s play pretend. they’re complex gender…expressions, dynamics, play, desire, euphoria. a butch and a femme together is no more heterosexual than a bear and a twink, a top and a bottom. it’s a dance that we know in our bones, like we knew each other in a previous lifetime and we’re just falling back into our favoured rhythm. even every fumble and awkward gesture is a part of it. we fall into sync and into each other, we tenderise each other’s gender, affirm it, and love every minute of it. we’re not two sides of the same coin, you talk to any butch-femme couple and chances are our priori (edit: interviewee meant propositions) are the same but our conclusions are not; we’re the same side of the same coin, just one is the top of the tail and the other is the bottom of it. is that a euphemism? (laugh) take it as you will!

I’m no man, my femme is no woman, and I’m no less butch when I’m wearing a kiss-the-cook apron and cleaning their kitchen, and they’re no less femme when they’re putting together a shelf or driving me to work. To look at us and see a heteronormative imitation of cisgender predetermination is proof of their own lack of nuance – do you think all dogs are boys and all cats are girls, too? (both laugh)

I think in a lot of ways, butch-femme dynamics are inherently transsexual. or, in the very least, good friends of transgenderism. If you can’t see us for what we are then chances are you’ve got your own internalised gender biases to unlearn.

I’ve always been butch to my bones, but when I’m with my baby I’m on cloud nine. I feel desired, my gender revered and loved.

so, what you’re saying is, you feel seen? I do. we see each other and nurture each other. I’ve never really liked being called ‘beautiful’, but when it falls from the lips of a femme, I know that they’re not seeing me as feminine. I feel most comfortable to explore the depths of both my femininity and masculinity with them; I don’t feel restricted to a role.

maybe that’s what people are missing about it: our homes are temples of gender exploration and devotion.

end ID].

[cheapshrimpysheep]

You... Cheater? - Demon Brothers

SUMMARY: They saw you making out with some random demon. But only after talking to you will they find out that it wasn't you after all. It was a demon impersonating you. But how did they feel before realizing this and how did they react to the relief that it wasn't really you they saw?

(This takes place before the events of Nightbringer.)

CHARACTERS: Demon Brothers (Lucifer; Mammon; Leviathan; Satan; Asmodeus; Beelzebub & Belphegor)

TAGS: Fluf; GN Reader; Comfort; Kiss, Tears, a little Angst (I think)

WORD COUNT: An average of 470 words per character.

👉 You… Cheater? - Side Characters

COMMENTS: I was looking for prompts and saw something like “cheating” or “How would they react to being cheated on?” But I don't like cheaters, this would be to sad. However, they thinking they were cheated on, but in fact they were deceived and you comfort them, that looked like a better option to me.

I hope you enjoy ;)

CONTEXT: He was walking the streets of Devildom, maybe out shopping for dinner. And he saw you! Or at least someone he thought was you. The appearance was exactly like yours! And you were making out with some random lower demon, that was unmistakable. That he could see clearly without a doubt.

This takes place before the events of Nightbringer.

Lucifer decided to walk up to “you” and have a conversation with “you” right there. But when “you” and the other demon saw him, both ran away. He didn't follow them. He stopped right there and it only took a few seconds for him to realize that something was wrong. That couldn't be you. It does not make sense. You wouldn't cheat on him. Who would?

Part of him doesn't believe it was you because he knows you and your character. But the other part that doesn't believe it was you is his Pride. Cheat on Lucifer? With someone like Diavolo he could understand, but a lower demon? No, that wasn't you, you're not that stupid! However, he can't help but have a very small fear that it really was you. But that one is irrational, it can't be right.

He asks you to go talk to him in his office and, of course, you have no idea what he saw. So, you don't know what he wants to talk to you about.

“Where were you while I was away?” is the first thing he asks after telling you that you can come in. You are confused, but the truth is, you've been playing with Levi in his room. Then some of the other brothers also showed up to play, so you have a lot of alibis.

“Did Solomon ever teach you how to duplicate yourself?” If you respond with "Is that possible?!" and an obvious face of surprise, he will burst out laughing. “I wouldn't be surprised if it was.” he continues and tells you about what he saw on the street.

Your reaction tells him everything he needs to know and confirms his suspicions. “Don't worry, I knew it wasn't you. I just wanted to confirm with you.” he lifts your chin and kisses your lips “I would never fall in love with a cheater.”

And then, he hugs you. It starts out like a normal hug, but after his arms are around you, you feel them tighten slightly. As if that little irrational side of him that worried him was showing how relieved he was that it really wasn't you. As if that little irrational part of him, that told him what he'd seen could be real, was showing you how relieved he was wrong.

“I don't know who those demons were.” He says, slowly breaking the hug and looking at you. “Yet.” You see his eyes, a look very similar to the one he usually has when he wants to punish his brothers. But this one was worse. “I will find out who they were. They need to be reminded why they shouldn't deceive us. Of course you are more than welcome to join me, after all they had the audacity to impersonate you.”

We all know Mammon is the emotional type not the rational one. So... he’s completely desolate, devastated, he’s heart shattered in pieces. It didn't even cross his mind that it might not be you, despite the number of times he said to himself "No, no, no, no, no, no..." He didn't have the courage to face “you”. He even dropped the purchases he made. One of the items he bought was a gift for you. And he run away.

He didn't come home. After all, you were there and seeing you would be too painful. But nobody knew about it. But nobody knew about it. Well, actually he went home, without the groceries and without listening to anyone. He just went straight to his room and left again, but this time on his car. You haven't seen him.

It's when everyone else goes to talk to you about not knowing where he is and being his turn to make dinner that you decide to go to his room and summon him. I mean, you have no idea where he is either. He doesn't respond to your messages. Summoning him will bring him straight to you, straight to home.

He appears and falls on his butt. “OI! WHAT THE-?!” he looks at you. His eyes were reddish and his cheeks wet. You ask what happened, worried. “You... I... You know what happened!” But you don’t. “Yes you do! I saw you! I saw... you two...”

“Us two? You mean Asmo and I? Of course you saw us. You came with us.” You remind him that the three of you went shopping together, but Asmo wanted to buy a new perfume and wanted you to go with him. So Mammon went to buy the rest of the stuff.

He is clearly embarrassed. “W-wait, s-so you were with Asmo the whole time?” Yes, you still even smelled like the perfume he bought. “S-so... you weren't sneaking kissing another demon on the street?” What the heck was he talking about?! Of course not! Does he really thought you would be kissing a random demon on the street when you could be making out with him? Your first?! And you tell him that. He's such a dummy!

He hugs you desperately. And he starts to cry again, but this time with relief. His face on your shoulder, he can't even speak, just sob. As if you just woke him up from a nightmare. You hug him back and kiss him on the forehead.

He really needs some time with you now. He's not really the vindictive type. He just wants you, your love and affection, although it took him a while to admit it. So you two cuddle for a while on his sofa. Until he remembered his car was parked somewhere.

Levi is also a very emotional person but worse: he is the Avatar of Envy. Just like any other sin can blind you, this one is the worst for what he saw. And even even worse, we know he doesn't have a good self-esteem. Put it all together and he never felt worse in his life. He won't talk to "you", he will run back home and lock himself in his room.

You had agreed that when he arrived you would go to his room to play the new game he had gone out to buy. But he didn't tell you he was back. It was one of the brothers who told you that he had seen him arrive and enter the room.

You go to his room, knock on the door, but he doesn't answer. You try as many times as it takes until he says he wants to be alone and doesn't want to talk to anyone. Messages don't work either. Only when you threaten to break down the door does he let you in.

The lights are off and he's hiding under the covers in the bathtub. You ask what's going on and again he takes a long time to answer you. He’s more the type of avoiding talk and/or see you. Listening to you is painful enough already. Worried, you slowly approach and ask again, in your sweetest voice, what was going on.

“I SAW IT, OK!?” he exploded, without coming out from under the covers, his voice cracking. “I... saw it... I saw you... on the street...” He saw you on the street? Was he talking about seeing you and Satan on the book store? “WHAT? No!” He got up, uncovering himself from the blankets. His eyes were reddish and a few tears were still falling down his cheeks. “I saw you kissing that demon on the street.” he calms down a bit and starts talking about that shouldn't surprise him. Even a lower demon was better than him. Of course he would never be enough for you. Someone like him? Of course not. You deserved better. You would even deserve the crown of Devildom...

Well, you don't remember kissing Satan on the street, so you have no idea what he's talking about. You tell him you went out with Satan to the bookstore and you were with him the whole time until you got back home. Levi could ask him. Whoever he saw wasn't you.

It takes a while for him to process that and realize that who he saw really wasn't you. And for him to throw himself into your arms. He's not afraid to cry in front of you, and on your shoulder. His hug is tight, desperately and lovingly tight.

He tells you again about his fear of losing you, of you leaving him. You end up getting in the bathtub with him. Cuddling with and reassuring him. Saying you would never leave him, how much you love him. He needs you now, he needs to recover from the shock that luckily wasn't real.

What have those two demons just done? Envy is a very bad sin to be the avatar of in a situation like that. But even worse is Wrath! Satan instantly assumed his demon form, throws the groceries to who knows where, and walked towards the two. They noticed him approach by the heavy and determined steps and fled. He stopped. “You” looked at him with such fear in “your”eyes, it shocked him.

He didn't mean to hurt “you”, he never would! But “you” hurt him. How could this be happening? You weren't like that, you were so kind and lovable... Wait, you're not like this. Something is wrong. And he only realizes this after stopping and calming down a bit. Something he learned from you. No! You wouldn't do this. Something was really wrong and he needed to talk to you now!

As soon as he gets home, he asks the first brother of his he sees if you are there. And after hearing a yes he runs to your room. Ignoring the "Why? What's going on?" after that yes.

He knocks at your door while calling your name. You open the door and he rushes into the room, closing the door behind you and practically "Kabedon" you against the door. “Have you been here the whole time?” he seems to contain some kind of anger. It worries you a little, but at these times you know you need to be the calm person. And yes, you were home that whole time. In fact, you spent a lot of time helping Mammon with his studies. He practically begged for your help to avoid another punishment from Lucifer.

You seemed sincere, but still: “So, you never left the house? Not even to go shopping?” You think for a moment. But no, pretty sure you never left the House of Lamentation. And the hours of study were very long. You both know what a bad student Mammon is.

He sighs, lowers his head for a moment and then drops down to hug you. It is a tender and relieved hug. “I’m sorry.” he whispers in your ear. “I just... wanted to make sure..." you hug him back and finally feel like it's the right time to ask what's going on.

He tells you what he saw on the street. The shock on your face is further proof to him that it wasn't really you he saw. As he thinks about what that could have been, his expression change. The expression of the true Avatar of Wrath.

“The only explanation is that someone impersonated you. I don't know who they were but I'll find out. And I couldn't care less if there were any reason for them to do that. Nobody tarnishes your name! I will find them, and when I do I'll make them regret even the air they breathe today.”

Asmo doesn't think you are cheating on him. After all he’s the Avatar of Lust, he better than anyone understands the concept of One-night stand. But he can't help but get a sour feeling in his stomach. He used to do one-night stands, but that was before he meet you. After that he couldn't do it anymore, he just wanted you. And he thought you only wanted him. What was happening to him?

He thought of going to you. Ask if he could join. That would look like him, but no, he can't, that's not what he wants to do. It's nothing related to his sin that he wants to do. He felt more like... Levi? Could it be jealousy? Him?! He needed to go home. ASAP!

He does his best to pretend that nothing is wrong, that he just came back from shopping and didn't see anything special. Maybe he'll come up with some story about a purse he saw, just to keep up the facade that everything was fine.

He'll avoid you for awhile, flashing you a smile you knew was fake. It was at dinner time, after he sent a message to the brothers' group saying he didn't feel well and therefore wouldn't have dinner that you decided to go to his room and check on him.

He is reluctant to let you in, but he still wants to show you that everything is fine, so he gives in at the second or third knock. He is sitting on the bed. And not even all the make-up he could put on his face would manage to hide from you the sadness that was really in his eyes. Despite his smile. He tells you not to worry, but it's when you insist that you can tell something is wrong that he decides to tell you the truth.

“I... I wanted to ask you.” he puts back on his everything is fine mask “Who was that new demon friend of yours?” You look confused at him. “I wasn't snooping, I promise. I just ended up seeing you two. You know, even if you try to hide yourself well there is still a possibility that someone will see you making out on the street.” he was forcing a smile, as if wanting to look like he was giving you genuine advice. But you got even more confused. What the heck was he talking about?

“Aww, don't worry hon, I'm not mad. I... think...” he mutters to himself and then goes back to talking to you. “You don't need to hide it from me. I saw it with my own eyes, you know?” you see his eyes water slightly. He's trying so hard not to cry.

But you weren't on that street today. “What?!” he widens his eyes, as if seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. You tell him you've been with Lucifer at RAD most of the day, helping him with paperwork. And even when you came home, you came back with him. And that was it. That and you wouldn't making out with a random demon on the streets. You have standards. and they only skyrocketed after you met Asmo.

He believes in you, he always believed in you and you really seemed to be telling the truth. He finally breaks down in tears and jumps out of bed to hug you desperately. He is so happy to know that that wasn't you! But he's still confused about what he felt. He really needs to talk to you about this. But after dinner. His appetite has returned and he is starving.

Beel doesn't know what to do. Should he pretend he didn't see anything? Should he go talk to you? He was so confused. You're not like this. what was happening? He... shouldn't interrupt, should he? He just grabs the groceries and heads home.

None of the groceries survived the trip. He ate up his feelings along the way. Or at least he tried. Lucifer was about to scold him, until he saw the look on his face and he just decided to let him go to his room and talk later. But the truth is, he would ask you to talk to him. And that's because even Belphie couldn't.

Belphie went to the attic to let you two talk alone in their bedroom. You knocked on the door, but Beel didn't answer. He didn't tell you to come in, but he didn't say you couldn't either. You walk in and see him lying on his bed with his back to you.

You slowly walk up to him and ask what's going on. He still doesn't respond. You sit on the bed and when you touch him, he flinches a little. Ok, now you're really worried. You ask him to please tell you what's going on, in your sweet, understanding voice.

He takes a deep breath and then slowly gets up to sit on the bed beside you. He still can't look at you. He doesn't look upset, just sad and confused. “I saw you on the street.” he calmly explains, with a sadness in the voice that breaks your heart “With that demon.”

What demon? What street? You haven't even left the house today. “What?!” he finally looks at you. He hadn't cried yet, but he was close to it. You tell him you didn't leave the house. You were even in the Planetarium with Belphie while Beel went shopping.

He believes in you, he always did and he never had any reason not to. And the same goes for Belphie. “So it wasn't you I saw on the street kissing another demon?” What? Of course not! What was he talking about?

He doesn't explain, he just smiles hugely and gives you one of his bear hugs. He tells you what he saw while hugging you. He doesn't care what he saw. He doesn't want to know who did it. The only thing that matters is that it wasn't really you. The real you was there, with him, hugging him back and letting him kiss you and kissing him back.

Then you hear his stomach rumble like a beast. His appetite had returned, and with a vengeance.

What the F*ck was going on?! Did that filthy lower demon make you do that? Were you under some spell? Belphie was going to put an end to it NOW! He assumed his demon form, throws the groceries away and rushed towards “you”. But when “you” two see him, “you” run away. He runs after the two, but unfortunately for him, the demon manages to outrun him.

He comes back home looking for you and without the groceries. When Lucifer sees him and prepares to lecture him for not bringing the groceries, Belphie stops him and asks if you are at home. It’s important! Something might have happened to you. Lucifer says you're in your room and lets Belphie run to your door.

You hear him knocking urgently at your door. You open the door, and seeing the seriousness on his face you ask what happened. He stands still in silence for a moment, looking at you, analysing. Then he comes in and lets you close the door.

“Did you leave the house today?” he asks calmly. You say yes. “Where did you go?” That was weird, he wasn't the stalking type, he was too lazy for that. That and he was never like that, much less with Beel. You went with Beel to a new pastry shop that opened to try their drinks and sweets. Needless to say, you spent a lot of time there. You had to drag Beel back home because it was getting late. You two had only arrived home shortly before Belphie himself.

“You never left his side?” No. Why would you? You love hanging out with Beel. By the way you speak and your confused expression, he knows you're telling the truth. And his straight face instantly turns into a reassured, lazy laugh. “Ha ha ha. I knew that was weird. It wasn't even you.” And now that his good mood was back, you could safely ask what the heck was going on.

“Ummmmm... I'm too tired to tell. At least standing. You know, I saw something that made me worry about you, so I ran back to see if you were all right. I'm so sleepy right now. What if I told you while we cuddle in your bed?” That sly bastard, taking advantage of a subject like that for cuddles.

He tells you what happened while the two of you are in bed. But even though he's relaxed in your arms he doesn't fall asleep. “That was probably some demon impersonating you with some shapeshifting spell.” he says “If they had done that to me, I wouldn't care. But since you were the one they did this to, I'll make sure to find them and break their neck.” he said with a cute smile and already half asleep, which only made the threat worse. And then finally fell asleep in your arms.

If you would like to read more from me, you can find it in my pinned post: INDEX

[cressidagrey]

Looked to the Sky - Chapter 7

Summary: 

Eira Archeron was neither a Valkyrie, nor a Seer, nor the High Lady of the Night Court. She was, however, Azriel‘s mate with her own mysterious, untrained powers.

Also known as: Azriel tries to court his mate the human way.

Warnings: 

THIS IS THE LIGHTNING IN A BOTTLE SEQUEL! SO READ THAT FIRST IF YOU WANNA READ THIS ONE OTHERWISE THIS MAKES NO SENSE!

Elain Bashing, Magical Help with Dyslexia, Rhys is a good big brother, Azriel finally is less of an idiot and without @k-godling this would have never happened.

(super pretty dividers by @tsunami-of-tears)

"I am supposed to...read all of these?" Eira asked Rhys with a grimace. He had dropped a stack of books in front of her at breakfast the next day...after Azriel and she had...come to an understanding of sorts. After…

She didn’t want to think of it. Not right now. She needed something else…something to take her mind off it. Of all of it.  

And Rhys sufficed.

Rhys chuckled, his shoulders shaking with silent amused laughter.

“It's just three books,” he replied with a wide smile. “Magical Primers of sorts. They’ll help you understand how magic works. I recommend starting with the one at the bottom of the pile. That’ll probably be the easiest to digest.”

“How long do I have?” She asked weakly. 

“You’ve got a week,” Rhys said, and the horror dawned on her face. A week. She could never read that in a week. Maybe one book. Maybe if she did nothing else and didn't sleep. Maybe then. "Is something wrong?" he asked, his voice growing gentle. "I know it probably is....overwhelming...."

"I can't read that." Eira blurted out.

"You can't read these books or you can't read at all?" Rhys asked her, no judgement in his voice.

"I can read," she assured him weakly. "I just..." she hesitated. "Promise not to laugh?" she asked him, her voice trembling.

The look on Rhys’ face became instantly serious, the gentle look in his gaze became even more gentle as he took in her expression. "Of course I promise," he assured her, and his voice was so sincere, it almost made her feel like crying.

"The letters change positions," she admitted, her voice tiny.  "I know it sounds insane, but I swear it's what happens."

Rhys was silent, his expression thoughtful. He didn't call out her insanity or brush her off or call her a liar. He just nodded and asked calmly, "What, exactly, do you mean by that? How exactly do they change positions?"

Her shoulders drew up to her ears, her chin drooping in shame. "They...when I'm looking at a word, the letters move around. Switch places. So that the word I'm looking at isn't always the word I'm reading," she explained.

His expression was still calm, like he wasn't shocked or disgusted or horrified by her admission. But a strange look had come to his face, like something she had just said had...clicked in his mind, like he had just figured something out.

"Have you always had this issue with letters?" he asked quietly.

She bit her lip, her face going red with humiliation. "Yes," she admitted quietly. "It first started happening when I learned to read...some of the letters changed around, and I started saying other words, the wrong words. I...Our Grandmother wasn't...she  yelled at me for 'not paying attention'..." Though that was the least she had done. She nearly flinched when she remembered the ruler to the top of her hands.

A muscle ticked in Rhysand's jaw, and for a moment, Eira swore she saw the hint of anger flare on his face. "How old were you?" he asked, almost growling out the words.

"Four," she said quietly, and for a moment, she could have sworn she saw a flash of fury on his face. But it was gone so quickly, she couldn’t be sure.

"So your grandmother punished you for this?" he asked, his voice almost too calm. Like he was holding in some very strong emotions

"Yes," she admitted quietly. "She...she would yell at me and hit me with a ruler. On the fingers." She could still feel that stinging pain, the white-hot sharpness of it. How it had felt when…

"And your parents knew about this?" he asked, his voice low and careful. Like he was trying desperately to keep from letting whatever anger or fury he was feeling slip out.

"No, I...I didn't tell them," Eira confessed. "I was afraid they'd be angry at me for being stupid, because I kept getting words wrong and couldn't read right....and I was afraid Grandmama would get really angry...and I was afraid that I deserved it. Because I can't read like I should."

Rhys was quiet for a long moment, his eyes staring off into space. His hands were clenched into tight, white-knuckled fists. The muscles in his jaw were jumping, like he was trying very hard to keep in the anger that was burning under his skin.

"The letters...the letters that keep changing places...that's a common learning disability, Eira," he finally said quietly. "It's...if you had been born Fae, it would have been caught when you began your lessons and it would have been managed."

Eira’s head jerked up, a small, almost desperate hope flaring in her chest. "Y-you mean...that’s normal? You…you’ve seen others with that issue before?"

Rhys nodded, and there was a grim anger in his eyes as he said, "Yes. And there are ways to help with it, spells to manage it...and it never, never involves a child being yelled at and hit with a ruler."

Something tightened in her throat, and her eyes were suddenly hot. But she fought back the tears...she was not going to cry about this. She would not cry.

Rhys took a deep breath, his hands unfurling from the tight fists he had clenched them into.

He took one of the book, opened it and then did a complicated-looking hand movement over it. He handed it to her. She blinked.

The letters were...different. The script was different. The script was so crystal clear, the lines further apart...for the first time in her life it didn't feel like trying to swim upstream as she read the first few lines. It felt...nearly easy.

"There are different ways to transfigure the spell...different fonts, different colours...spacing. If this doesn't work, we'll try another one."

A shuddering breath left her, and the tears that she had been trying to hold back spilt down her cheeks. In only a few moments, he had done what her entire life of trying and struggling and praying to make sense of the words hadn't, making the script so clear like it was just suddenly easy when it had never been easy in her life.

"Thank you," she whispered to him, her hands trembling slightly as she held the book. "Thank you." She didn't know how else to say it, because it felt like he had given her something priceless...something she had always longed for, something so wonderful, that she didn't even have words for it, had no way of describing the depth of gratitude she felt. And Rhys’s gaze was so gentle as he looked at her.

"I’m just sorry that you've had to go your whole life without that," he murmured gently to her. "No one should struggle that much for something that should come so easily."

And it was that easy suddenly. 

The practical part of learning to control her magic…well that was another thing entirely. They were out in the garden, mostly because Eira was terrified of the idea of burning down the house. 

Rhys sat across from her, not looking worried in the slightest. "It's your magic. There is no need to be afraid," he told her seriously. "Don't be afraid. It will bend to your will. It will do what you want it to do."

She swallowed hard, trying to believe him. He was right....but it was so hard. She was so used to thinking of her magic as wild and uncontrollable, and the thought of letting loose the power that coursed through her veins, of letting it loose into the world...scared her.

"It killed four men," she disagreed quietly. "it burned down trees."

Rhys gently took her hand, his large calloused fingers wrapping around her smaller, paler ones. "I know," he murmured to her. "It did. But those men were trying to harm you, little one. That's why your magic acted as it did, because it was protecting you, because you were in danger. I’m here with you now, I’m not going anywhere. You won't hurt me. You have control. You have control."

Something tightened her chest, his words echoing through her like a soothing balm. He was right. She could control this, if she tried.

She exhaled slowly, breathing out the fear and doubt that was trying to wrap around her heart and soul. "I...I can do this."

A smile curved his lips, his fingers squeezing hers reassuringly. "Yes, you can," he told her, and let go of her hand. "Now, start simple. Don’t focus on anything specific. Just...let your magic flow."

She let out a shaky breath, closing her eyes and reaching for her magic. It was like a roaring flame under her skin, just waiting, aching to be let loose.

She let it flow, let the heat of it fill her, let it course through her veins.

She could feel it. Could feel it spark over her skin. Could...

Her eyes fluttered open, and she saw the tendrils of her magic swirling around her hands. Little sparks snapped along her fingertips, and she had to fight to keep the magic contained.

"Very good," Rhys praised her. "You are doing well." She wet her lips, carefully pulling and pushing...concentrating her magic on her hands. It reacted nearly...rushing. Like it wanted to please her. Like it wanted to help her.

It was nearly like it was alive, like a living thing under her skin...like it wanted to please her. Like it was aching, desperate, to be used, to be commanded. It took a moment to get used to the feel of it, like this wild, feral thing that obeyed her commands, that rushed to her skin at her merest whim.

The lightning crackled between her open hands...and then she pushed it away.

When she pushed, it went. Slid back. Coiled back under her skin, a roiling heat that still burned under her skin, but obeyed her command. It obeyed her. That thought sent a shock through her, that this fearsome, powerful force that had killed 4 faes...it obeyed her. It listened to her.

A quiet, ragged gasp left her, her breath leaving her in a whoosh.

Rhys grinned at her, pride and pleasure gleaming in his eyes. “Very good,” he praised her voice, and his hand squeezed her own. “That was very well done.”

Eira’s hands were trembling violently, her breath shuddering out of her mouth as the adrenaline coursed through her veins. She had done it. She had let loose that fearsome power, and she hadn't hurt anything, hadn't destroyed, hadn't killed. She had controlled it. She had controlled it.

"I didn't hurt you?"

Rhys just smiled at her, lifting a hand and gently running his fingers through her hair. "No," he assured her, his voice gentle. "You did very well. I knew you could do it."

A shuddering sigh left her, and even though she was shaking violently with the adrenaline, her heart was lighter than it had been in days. Because it had worked, she had done it, and she hadn't hurt him.

"The more you do it, the easier it will be," Rhys promised her. "Maybe you'll be able to light a candle with it even."

A small smile tugged at the edges of her lips, and she let out a watery laugh. "A candle?" she repeated, the words sounding almost absurd. The magic she had could burn down a forest. And he was talking about lighting a candle.

A chuckle left his lips, and he leaned over to press a comforting kiss to the top of her head. “Maybe in a few days,” he told her, and warmth blossomed in her chest. “When you get a bit more used to it. But you did well, Eira. You did verywell.”

She had never expected her lessons to be this… undramatic. She'd half-expected sparks, explosions, destruction.

What she hadn't expected was to feel something almost like peace once her magic was unleashed, like it was settling instead of trying to break free.

It was a strange, but almost comforting sensation. Like something had suddenly clicked inside of her, like a piece of her soul that she hadn't even known was missing had finally settled.

At least one thing in her life was…easy.

It was a novelty, she'd admit. To have something in her life that didn't feel like an endless struggle to understand, that didn't feel like everything was stacked against her.

She'd never had anything in her life that was effortless, that came easy to her. Something that made her feel...like she was good at it...like she was talented.

“There is something else that I wanted to talk to you about,” Rhys said quietly. “We received the formal invitation for Elain’s wedding.”

The mention of her sister's name made her blood go cold, and the little bubble of peace inside of her popped like a balloon, leaving her with nothing but a hollow, aching emptiness.

"Oh," she mumbled the word, the sound falling from her lips like a dead thing.

“If you don’t want to attend…neither of us will say a single thing against it,” Rhys said quietly.

The thought of going to this wedding, of seeing her sister walk down the isle, dressed all in white, her hair all done up, with a smile on her face...it was like someone had reached into her chest, wrapped their hands around her heart, and squeezed.

She had never imagined missing Elain’s wedding. But she wanted more than anything to stay far, far away from that stupid, awful event.

She never wanted to see her twin sister again. What did that say about her?

But even as she thought that, even as angry as she was...a part of her still loved her twin sister. A part of her still wanted to reconcile. And that thought made her chest ache with how badly she missed her, with how much she longed to just reach out and fix everything, to go back to how things had been before her sister had said those horrible, awful words to her.

Before she had tried to take her future from Eira. Her baby.

It was such a bitter thought, something that made her chest throb with remembered pain. Elain knew how much she had wanted a baby, how much she had dreamed of holding her own child in her arms...knew how desperately hopeful Eira had been.

And Elain had tried to take that from her.

“Eira,” Rhys said carefully, a look at her hands and she saw the lightning sparking at her fingertips. She willed it away. It disappeared.

She swallowed hard, her hands shaking as she clenched them tightly together, willing the sparks to quell. But the anger, the pain, they burned in her chest, like a flame inside of her, and she couldn't keep the words from coming out, from tumbling past her lips in a rush."All my life, all I ever wanted was to be a mother," she managed to force out, her voice shaking with unshed tears and pain. "All I ever wanted--all I longed for ...was to be a mother, and she, she..."

Her breath came out in a shuddering gasp, and she took a few deep breaths before saying, "She tried to take that from me. I...I would have had that baby by now, Rhys...I would have. And she was just going to...she wanted to take that from me."

“I know,” Rhys said softly. “I know.”

She closed her eyes tightly and took a few deep, shuddering breaths, fighting back the burning pain in her chest, the hot tears that were pricking at her eyes.

"Why would she do that?” she whispered, her voice barely a breath. “Why...why would she want to take them from me...?"

Take her babies…and take Azriel too. Because that’s what it felt like. 

Elain had wrapped him around her little finger so that Eira didn’t even have a chance.

“Jealousy,” Rhys answered with a sigh. “Her mind was a wasteland of jealousy, Eira. She was so used to having every male fall all over himself for her…and suddenly there was this vision that showed her twin sister with a male she herself found handsome. And Elain couldn’t have him…nobody could.”

It was an answer she had almost expected, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. It didn’t make the pain any less real.

"She's my sister," Eira whispered. "How...how could she be so selfish? So cruel?"

And it hurt, it burned to even think, to wonder how her sister could have done that to her, had been willing to do that to her.

"I've miss her so much," Eira mumbled, the words like broken blades in her chest. "Every day, I miss her more than I can even put into words ...but how could I ever face her, after what she did...? How could I?"

It was like a storm in her chest, the pain and uncertainty, anger and anguish warring inside of her, and she fought to hold it all in, to keep it behind locked doors inside of her. So much anger...and it was warring with her grief. The two were at odds, at war inside her heart.

“Azriel said that he would come along if you wanted to go,” Rhys said quietly. “We would be there to…you wouldn’t need to face her alone. I am sure Cassian would even borrow you a sword if you wanted one.”

The thought of walking into that wedding, of being on display with the rest of her family...it sent a cold shudder through her. But if her friends were with her, if they were there...maybe she could do it.

Maybe she could go, just this once. Not to celebrate her sister, but to mourn her. Mourn the sister who had been, even if she was gone.

“Yes,” she whispered. “I think I….maybe I’d like that.”

She swallowed hard and looked up to meet Rhys’ eyes. “If I was to attend...if I was to go to the wedding...would you and Azriel be there with me?”

Rhys nodded immediately, his jaw clenching, a hardness in his eyes. "Of course," he assured her, his voice firm and brooking no discussion.

"Azriel will be there, and I'll be there, and Cassian will be there and your sisters damn well better be there too."

She swallowed hard, her heart beating a little bit faster at his words. The thought of walking into that wedding, knowing all eyes would be on her...but Rhys would be there. Azriel would be there. Nesta and Feyre.

Maybe she could do it. Maybe she could.

Even if she wasn’t quite sure that Azriel at Elaine’s wedding was a good idea.

But she pushed that jealousy down. She couldn't...she couldn't...she couldn't keep bringing that up. There must be a day someday in the future where she forgave him for...that. Where she was willing to move on.

She drew in a slow breath, but she couldn't keep the words inside of her. "How...how is Azriel doing?" she asked, her words quiet. "With...Elain, and the wedding...?"

Rhys stared at her. "Eira, I can honestly say, that I don't think that has even crossed his mind," he said quietly.

Her chest went a bit warm at that, at that knowledge. At the thought that Azriel was...fine. That Azriel didn’t...care about Elain's wedding in the slightest.

But a small part of her, a part of her that almost frightened her, couldn't help but wonder....

"It hasn't?" she repeated, and she cursed the thread of hope in her voice.

Rhys studied her for a second or two, as if he, too, could hear the hope in her voice, the need. “No,” he said simply. “It seems that all my spymaster cares about is Elain's twin sister."

***

Azriel should probably consider himself lucky that Nesta hadn't used Ataraxia to cut his throat. Granted, as she had said, the only reason why she didn't was because Eira would be upset if he died.

No, he supposed that was a pretty good reason not to kill him. "And if you ever treat my sister like that again, I'll wring your neck," Nesta hissed.

He didn't doubt that she would.

"Noted," he said, and he was pretty sure he heard Cassian snicker behind them

But what he didn't add was the fact that, if he had that horrible conversation with Eira again, he'd wring himself by the neck. For being such an idiot, such a stupid bastard.

If he ever saw her cry like she had, shake like a leaf because he had broken her heart, shattered it. 

"What are you going to do now?" Cassian asked him. "Anything new on your...wall?"

Ah, the wall.

The wall of doom, as the others had taken to calling it. Or more accurately, 'Azriel's obsessive chart of Eira's life'. 

He had taken the whole thing down. And then put it back up. Put it back up with everything else the shadows could tell him. 

"No," he said. How did he go forward with Eira? How did he...do this? How did he mend things, make things better? He was a Shadowsinger, a spymaster, a warrior and a killer. He had absolutely no idea how to deal with something like this.

"I would suggest you actually try to talk to her this time," Nesta said frostily. "And you owe her an apology as well, Cassian," she hissed.

Cassian let out a long sigh. "Alright," he said, before raising his hands in supplication at the look on Nesta's face. "Alright, I'll talk to her. Jeez, I said I would."

Azriel just suppressed a smile. He had a feeling Cassian had learned to tread very carefully around his mate, not wanting to spark a war between himself and the very, very scary Lady Death of the Night Court.

"That's usually my speciality though," he drawled. "Saying idiotic things. I think it's actually one of my gifts, really."

"Yeah, you've already displayed that gift for Eira, and it was quite a wonderful performance," she said dryly. "Perhaps you could try to make it up to her, hmm?"

"I'll...do my best," he mumbled, and he would, damnit. He would do his absolute best to make this right.

“So where are you going to take her next?” Cassian asked. “I would suggest somewhere you could actually talk to her.”

He'd thought a lot about it, for longer than he really should admit, and he had a few ideas.

"I was actually...thinking of a picnic," he confessed.

"A picnic?" Cassian asked, his voice almost disbelieving. "You and a picnic. Those two words...I never thought I'd hear them in the same sentence, Az."

Azriel just scowled. "What's wrong with a picnic?" he asked, his voice a bit defensive.

"Picnics are for romance," Cassian said, his voice almost gleeful with how teasing it was. "You're going to have a romantic picnic? Is there going to be wine, and roses, and candlelight?"

Azriel felt his heart skip a beat at that...and he had to admit, some of those things actually sounded rather nice...but that didn't mean he was going to admit that.

"Eira doesn't drink wine," Nesta said drily..

Azriel nearly cursed, but caught himself. Right, Eira didn't drink. At all.

Damnit. There went the wine.

"No wine, then," Azriel grumbled. "No wine, but it's still going to be a very romantic picnic, trust me."

"And where do you want to have your very romantic picnic?" Cassian drawled.

"I thought the River Bank at the House," Azriel admitted. She would be comfortable there...If she wanted to get away from him...she easily could.

Cassian actually looked a bit surprised at that. "Huh," he said, sounding a bit impressed against his will. "Didn't think of that. She'll...feel safe there. Plus, there are a few beautiful spots there..."

He swallowed back a bit of the anxiety that he felt. "So...you're saying it's a not completely idiotic idea?"

"It's...definitely a good idea," Cassian conceded. "As long as you actually talk to her this time.  “

"What are you thinking for food?" Nesta asked him pointedly.

She was asking him that question as if he actually knew how to cook anything other than a piece of meat over the fire. He was a court-trained, highly skilled warrior, a Carynthian. He could fight, intimidate, and kill. Asking him to cook? That was a completely different thing…

“I’ll have the shadows pick up some things from a restaurant in the city…that way it will actually be edible,” he answered. 

"I feel like that's probably a very good idea," Cassian said, and Azriel could hear the poorly concealed laughter in his voice.

"Shut up," he growled, but there wasn't enough actual heat in his words. 

“She likes raspberries,” Nesta told him graciously. “She once nearly made herself sick by eating so many of them…If you can get any, she will be delighted,” she promised him. 

Raspberries. He could do raspberries. 

The shadows procured raspberry tarts. He also had them pass Eira a note, asking for her company that evening, receiving her agreement quickly. 

She was giving him a chance. 

Which was how he ended up in the River House with a Picnic Basket, a blanket and a dream.

He chose a place on the bank of the river, a place that was secluded and quiet. A place where he could show Eira that he hadn’t come here to ambush or intimidate her, but to talk to her, to listen.

And then he found her. Waiting for him on the back porch, a book in her hand. 

She hadn't heard him yet, hadn't even noticed him.

He paused, for a moment, taking her in like this.

Beautiful. Even when she was just sitting there, reading and unaware that he was there, she was so damn beautiful that it made him ache inside.

Azriel found his heart catching at the sight of her, the sunlight dappling down through the trees, and the look of near serenity on her face as she read.

He almost didn’t want to disturb her, wanted to just let her remain there as she was, but he pushed down the urge and slowly stepped towards her.

"Eira?" he asked quietly, and it was almost a crime how lovely she looked in the sunlight as she lifted her head from her book, her blue eyes widening in surprise to the sight of him.

"Azriel," she said, her voice soft, and something in his heart twisted as he saw her hands tighten almost imperceptibly on the cover of her book. He swallowed hard, his heart clenching tight at the sight of it.

"I, um," he mumbled, forcing the words from his stupid, clumsy tongue. "I..." He swallowed hard, "I...brought a few things," he finished lamely, setting the picnic basket down at the foot of the porch.

"A picnic," she said, and he could hear the almost faint wonder in her voice. He dared to look up towards her, and saw her watching him, her eyes slightly wide, her lips parted.

"Yes," he said quietly, forcing words past the lump in his throat. "A...picnic," he repeated. "I, um...I thought...If you were willing…"

She was watching him, her blue eyes wide with surprise, the sunlight dappling down across her head, making parts of her braid gleam in gold.

He swallowed once more, his heart clenching in his chest. "I...I wanted to talk to you," he finally managed to confess. "If that’s...if that’s okay."

There was a moment of silence, and he felt like he was going to choke as he watched the different emotions flicker across her eyes.

Surprise, trepidation, hope, and more surprise...and there was a hint of vulnerability in her eyes, as if his words made her scared. Terrified. And he couldn’t blame her, really, not when he had royally messed up last time.

But she slowly nodded, her lips barely curving in the ghost of a smile. “Y—yes,” she said quietly. “I’d like that. Talking, I mean.”

"WIll you come with me?" he asked her, holding out his hand and her smile widened.

He caught a flash of something in her eyes before she slowly stood up, setting her book aside and lifting her own hand to meet his.

He fought the urge to let out a long sigh of relief or to clutch her hand too tightly as she slowly stepped down off the porch, and he gently led her over to the blanket that he had already laid out by the river.

He let go of her hand and watched as she slowly sat down on the blanket, tucking her legs underneath her. Her blue skirts puddled around her and he wondered how she managed to look elegantly while doing it. He stayed standing for a moment, just watching her, taking in the sight of her sitting there on the blanket that he had laid out for her.

Slowly, he also sank down into a sitting position, careful to keep some space between them. He didn’t want to...to startle her, overwhelm her, make her run.

He busied herself with unpacking the food.  

"I love a picnic," Eira said quietly. "When we were still at the cottage, sometimes we ate outside just for a change of scenery. Don't get me wrong, it was...the winters were horrible. But not everything was," Eira whispered. "When we were glamoured...I missed it sometimes. I didn't know what to do with my time when we had staff again. When I didn't need cook, didn't need to harvest vegetables and we could just buy them..."

He had to swallow at that confession. He hadn’t...he hadn’t even realized that she would miss those days, even though of course she would. She’d had...had a life at that cottage, a family, a home.

Even when they had struggled…she still had those things. 

"What do you miss the most?" he asked her curiously, handing her a plate and cutlery, and she thanked him with a smile. 

She went quiet for a moment as she thought about that question, her head tilting faintly to the side before she spoke again.

“I think…” she began, her voice a mere murmur. “I think I miss the animals the most. We were at the edge of a forest...you could see deers sometimes...sometimes stray cats...I loved the stray cats. There was this one...it was ancient. Only had half a tail," she recounted with a laugh. "It used to come visit me when I was gardening...Sun itself in a spot and keep me company, listen to me singing...let me pet it however much I wanted."

He could almost picture that image. Could picture her, singing a soft, quiet song, as a cat sat in a patch of sunlight, enjoying her music.

He found himself wondering...he found himself wondering what other secrets Eira was hiding. How many more things he didn’t know about her. How many things he had never realized, never even thought about before...

"Do you actually enjoy gardening?" he asked her, unable to help himself.

She blinked at that question, looking...surprised he had asked. Then she nodded, a small smile on her lips. "Yes," she confessed. "It was a part of my chores, a part of survival, but I enjoyed it. It was..." She paused as if she almost wasn’t sure how to explain herself. "It was soothing," she confessed quietly. "Gardening...it keeps my hands preoccupied. Busy. And you get a result at the end of it... It...it was good."

"I couldn't hunt...I have absolutely no talent for that...so when Feyre started hunting...I made sure that she didn't need to worry about anything else," she explained.

He swallowed against the lump in his throat as she explained more about how their lives had been at the cottage, at how they had divided their tasks and...how they had survived.

How she had kept Feyre from having even more weight on her shoulders. Had taken that weight onto her own.

He wanted to ask her, wanted to ask her if it had been hard. If the weight of surviving had been too heavy for her.

But he...he didn’t want to push her. Didn’t want to bring up unpleasant memories, not when they finally had a chance to talk to each other.

"And you?" she suddenly asked, jolting him from his thoughts.

"You...you train and fight," she said quietly. “Is...is that soothing for you? Can you just...turn off your brain that way?"

It was a quiet, direct question, and it sent a shard of a shiver down his spine.

He wanted to lie to her about it. Wanted to say that yes, hunting and killing creatures and people was soothing, that he could turn off all of his mind and become the living, breathing blade that he was.

But he couldn’t. He couldn’t lie to her. He found his throat bobbing as he swallowed once more, trying to find the right words to explain himself that wasn’t just excuses.

"Not always," he confessed quietly. "There are nights...there are nights when I can sleep, when I can just let go. When the killing is necessary to keep the people I care about safe," he said.

He was about to go on when his throat was dry, and he had to swallow hard before continuing. "But...there are nights when I can’t," he continued, his voice a painful whisper. "There are nights when the killing is not necessary, and I can’t…I can’t just forget after it."

It was the most open he had ever been with anyone, including his brothers, about the truth of what was inside him.

But with Eira...he wanted to be open. Wanted to be honest. He wanted her to finally know how broken he was, how damaged he was, and see if she would still look at him with those beautiful, wide blue eyes of her and not turn away.

To his surprise, she didn’t. Instead, she...she slowly nodded, that quiet understanding in her gaze.

The expression in her eyes...she understood. She understood how broken he was. How he was nothing more than a weapon. A killing machine in the shape of a male. She understood that brokenness and she wasn’t running.

“You should have a hobby,” she said finally, and there was a soft, teasing lilt in her voice. Surprising him. He expected hesitation, coldness maybe…but she was clearly serious about giving him a chance. 

“A hobby,” she repeated, her voice still so very teasing. “Something to help you wind down, to relax, and to...to keep your mind occupied. Instead of just going to the training rings all the time like Cassian always says you do. It's why I garden, why I sew...why I embroider," she answered honestly. "It calms me. Feyre paints...I do that." He nodded, feeling the lump in his throat growing even larger. 

She sewed and embroidered and gardened. And she did them all to try and calm her mind and heart, to distract herself even a little from how broken the world really was, to try and make something beautiful.

"I like listening to music," he said quietly.

"Like the symphony," Eira recounted and he nodded.

Which reminded him of the harp he had given her...

"I am sorry about the harp," he blurted out.

"Why?" Eira asked him, shock evident on her face. "Why would you be sorry about..."

"I didn't even think about that fact that giving you the same thing that you lost to keep your family from starving was maybe not...the kindest thing to do."

Eira froze for a moment, something like shock flickering across her face before she let out a quiet, somewhat shaky laugh, and he felt a cold ball of fear form in his stomach. She was…she was upset. Surely she had to be upset. But her voice was level and soft when she spoke.

“You really think that it…that it bothers me?” she asked, incredulity in her voice. “That I care that you gave me the same instrument that I had to sell?”

He opened his mouth, ready to tell her that yes, that was exactly what he thought, and that he had hurt her, but she cut him off.

“Azriel,” she said quietly, and the way she said it, the way his name rolled over her tongue, was like a gentle caress. His thoughts stuttered to a halt and he stared at her.

“I…I didn't think twice about that,” Eira confessed quietly. “I am so happy about the harp. About the fact that you gave it to me, and the fact that I can play again, do something that I loved...”

That confession...it was shattering him. He had worried over that harp, over the fact that he had probably reminded her of the worst parts of her life without even realizing it, but here she was, telling him that it hadn't even crossed her mind.

“I…" Azriel swallowed hard, his throat painfully tight, but he forced himself to speak anyway. "Then…you’re not…you’re not upset with me about it?" he asked again, his heart clenching in hope, in terror, in prayer, and she simply shook her head, her eyes still filled with that quiet wonder.

“No,” she murmured to him, her voice so soft and gentle. “No, I am not. How could I be? How could I be upset about the fact that you gave me something that I love, when you did it out of kindness, out of some attempt to make me happy?”

"I went about it wrong," he said quietly. "I should have...I should have actually talked to you. Asked you what you wanted...what you liked to do."

"We can talk. I like talking to you like this," Eira admitted quietly. "Getting to know you...I..."

He felt something in his heart tug at her admission, at her quiet confession. She…she liked talking to him. She wanted to get to know him better, to have him get to know her better.

He couldn’t stop a smile from tugging at his lips as he nodded, hope swelling in his chest.

He felt something in his heart tug at her admission, at her quiet confession. She…she liked talking to him. She wanted to get to know him better, to have him get to know her better.

"I wrote a list of questions," he admitted and she started laughing.

"Is that how the spymaster gets information?" she teased him.

He groaned in embarrassment, feeling the back of his neck starting to flush hotly as she just kept laughing. “Hush,” he muttered, his voice almost pleading. “Please, just hush."

Her laughter was like music, that was all there was to it. It sent something warm and golden through his heart, made him almost dizzy with how lovely it was, and he found himself wanting to hear more of it.

To hear her laugh just like that all the time, for the rest of his life...that would be Heaven.

"What's your favourite colour?" he asked her, and the amusement glinted in her eyes.

“Blue,” Eira answered, honestly, a blush rising on her cheeks. 

Blue.

He hadn’t known that. 

"And yours?" she asked him.

For just a moment he came up empty. What was his favourite colour? Black? "Blue," he answered, honestly. Blue. Blue because it meant coming home. The colour of the sky...of his siphons...of Eira's eyes.

"Favourite Food?" he asked her, clearing his throat.

She had to bite down on her lower lip before answering, trying and failing to keep her amusement from overwhelming her completely. “Favourite food?” she echoed faintly. “You really…a question like that is on your list?”

To his mortification, he was blushing now. He had made that list, trying to come up with as many possible good questions as he could think of. And of course, he had also put some of the stupidest and most mundane questions he could think of on that list as well.

"It is,” he muttered awkwardly, and she outright laughed again, burying her face in her hands this time, but it was a fond sort of laughter. Like she thought the question was ridiculous but was amused and charmed by his effort anyway.

"I want to know you," he admitted quietly.

Her laughter stopped, like she’d suddenly been stunned into silence. She slowly pulled her hands down from her face, that blush on her cheeks still there as she met his eyes.

“I…you do?” she whispered in surprise, and there was a trace of…something in her voice. Hope, perhaps. A hope that he meant what he said.

“Yes,” he answered her quietly, the word coming out in a strangled whisper as a wave of heat washed through him. He meant it. He meant it more than anything.

"Mine is this Illyrian candy that involves nuts and honey," he admitted. "It's so sweet that your teeth get stuck together."

Her eyes widened at that, and her lips parted in surprise. He could practically see her trying to imagine just how sweet those nuts and honey had to be, to make your teeth stick together.

Then she let out a soft laugh, the sound like music to his ears. “Oh goodness,” she muttered. “That sounds like…that sounds like something that tastes amazing and gives you a stomach ache at the same time.”

“It is,” he confessed, and he found himself smiling as he did so. “It’s the best thing I’ve ever eaten…and it makes me feel sick to my stomach if I eat too much of it.”

"Raspberries for me," Eira admitted to him. "I once nearly got myself sick with eating so many of them too."

"Look in the basket," he told her.

She squealed. Squealed as she saw the tarts, her eyes widening in surprise before a look like ecstasy washed over her face. His heart stopped in that moment, his breath catching in his throat as this beautiful female made such an adorable sound over pastries that he had brought, for her.

The shock and surprise on her face lasted for only a moment, before being replaced with absolute and childish joy, and he found a strangled chuckle tearing from his throat.

She’d…she’d squealed. Squealed and made an expression like a happy child on Solstice morning at the sight of raspberry tarts. All at something he had brought.

"How?!" she demanded.

He found himself grinning at her excitement, that childish reaction to seeing a gift in a basket. “I have my ways,” he told her with a hint of smugness in his voice, but he felt a strange rush of pride at the fact that he’d managed to surprise her like this. At the fact that he had given her something that would make her reaction so…adorable.

“In this case, the way was your sister.”

She laughed at that, the sound bright and happy.

[miraculouslbcnreactions]

Regarding the post about Marinette being punished for trusting people and the response to it, this is something I always have trouble explaining because it sounds callous? But fictional characters aren't people. It's not that their lives just so happen to get in the way leading to something bad happened the writers decided that should happen, and it's important that you stop and ask WHY this happens. If the camera is "on" per se, people assume it's relevant and will tie into something larger. So like if the camera is on and all we see is Alya revealing her identity and then the result is she's outed in the same way she was in Heroes Day, the audience naturally concludes it's connected and thus realizes the lesson is either "Alya learns she shouldn't share her identity" OR "Marinette learns she shouldn't trust people" or both.

Secret identities are a great example of this phenomenon. We're NOT shown every time a villain's plan is foiled because they didn't know the heroe's identity, we ARE shown every time a heroe's identity causes friction in their lives. As such, large parts of the audience think of secret identites as inconveniences because that's what's shown (not just in Miraculous Ladybug, in tons of other shows)

Like you are supposed to make connections in Television about what's being shown to you that no one would make in real life (or at the very least no one SHOULD make in real life) because there's a limited space to tell the story and the audience is assuming the writers aren't wasting our time.

If these were real people it would be unreasonable to say because people have their own lives Marinette can't trust them, but in a story where Marinette is the main character who is explicitly always supposed that's. An accurate way to read the story!

And I also understand that this is a very boring construction if you're making headcanons or thinking about these characters! But that's a different lens, it doesn't make the broader writing lens invalid. You're speaking different languages at that point.

Anyway I hope that helps someone, that's my two cents

You summed it up perfectly! There's a ton of valid criticism to be had of Miraculous, but you can tell from the narrative framing that almost all of it comes down to writing choices and not things that are supposed to be seen as in-universe issues even though a lot of fans treat them as such. It's really weird to see things like people complaining about everything revolving around Marinette as if it's a personal flaw of hers and not the result of her being the main character in a fictional world. "Main Character Syndrome" literally pulls its name from the fact that this is how main characters work in a lot of media. It's a flaw when a real person does it, but in terms of story telling, it's extremely normal - and often good story telling - to have everything revolve around your main character or a core cast.

The issue with Miraculous is that they chose a lot of poor conflicts if they wanted Marinette to be the one and only main character, but that's not her fault. She didn't decide to have the rules around identities make no sense. The writers did. She didn't decide to make the main villain Adrien's dad while also keeping Adrien from being involved in the story. The writers did. The list goes on and on and, because none of it reflects badly on Marinette in the writers' eyes, the show doesn't act like Marinette is in the wrong. Remember, these are the same writers who think that Derision was a great episode that added depth to Marinette instead of destroying her character and making her look unhinged. Their judgement is clearly a little skewed.

While the writers love to make bad plot choices, they are generally using proper story telling language to make those choices, which is why I can tell you how characters' actions are intended to be read. The Rena Furtive and Nino example is a great one because it allows me to show that the writers do understand how to set things up. In fact, once they've decided that they're going to do a thing, they pretty much always set it up at a basic level. It's rarely spectacular and often frustrating, but it's never shocking.

In Rocketear, Alya promises Marinette that Nino will never learn about Rena Furtive. The episode then ends with her breaking that promise via the following exchange:

Alya: (sighs) I'm still Rena Rouge. (Nino gasps.) But now I'm in hiding and that's why Ladybug asked me not to tell anyone. Nino: But why are you telling me if no one's supposed to know? Is Ladybug cool with this? Alya: I can't hide it from you, because I love you, Nino, and we share everything.

Look at how this confession is presented. Look at what the dialogue focuses on. When Marinette confessed her identity to Alya, it was all about the confession and supporting Marinette. There was no discussion of this being a problem for Chat Noir or anything like that because - in the writers' eyes - that wasn't a problem for some reason. This is why Chat Noir almost instantly absolves Ladybug of blame once he finds out about the identity reveal (see: Hack-San.) The writers didn't want it to be an issue so it wasn't:

Ladybug: I'm really sorry, Cat Noir. I should've told you. I mean, if I found out that you told someone about your secret identity, I'd... probably be upset, too. I'm really sorry I hurt your feelings. Cat Noir: You didn't hurt my feelings. You did everything right

But when Alya confesses her identity to Nino, the conversation is not just about her confession. It's about her confession and how she's not supposed to do this. That's why Nino's response is not loving support. Instead, he asks if this is a good idea and if Ladybug knows.

These things are getting focused on because the writers are telling you that this is a bad thing. It's supposed to feel ominous. When I first watched Rocketear, I assumed that the season was going to end with Gabriel getting the fox off of Alya due to Nino because that was an obvious way to raise the stakes and they'd just heavily implied that Nino knowing would be a bad thing. I was, unfortunately, right. The only on screen consequence of Nino knowing is that he outs Alya to everyone in an incredibly forced series of events (see: Strikeback):

(Ryuko successfully prevents the Roue de Paris from hitting them, yet, it flies to the direction where Rena Furtive is. This causes Carapace to panic.) Carapace: Rena! (takes out his shield) Shell-ter! (Carapace's superpower successfully prevents the Ferris wheel from hitting Rena Furtive on top of the Tour Montparnasse. But the information of Rena Furtive's active status shocks the heroes, as well as Shadow Moth.) The heroes: Rena?! Shadow Moth: (from the top of the Eiffel Tower) She's still active?

Of course the Ferris Wheel goes straight for Alya's hiding spot and of course Nino screams her name before casting his power and of course the villain overhears it. It's all so forced and unnatural, which should make it glaringly obvious how much the writers wanted this to happen. This wasn't something they were kind of forced to do because it made sense for the narrative and they wanted to tell a good story. Instead, they wrote an awkward series of events because they really, really, really wanted Nino knowing to be a bad thing that outs Alya so that Marinette loses all of the miraculous even though none of this makes much sense.

How the hell did Gabriel hear Nino's shout from so far away? Is he able to overhear everything the heroes are saying? How does Nino even know that Alya is hiding there? And since when was a Ferris Wheel a threat to these guys? Your girlfriend is a magical girl and she's in her magical girl form, dude. You could drop a building on her and she'd be fine, a thing you have to know because this scene literally goes on to have Chat Noir go flying into a building, hitting it so hard the cement literally cracks, and no one really cares. I guess it's fine if Adrien is a punching bag, but Alya must be protected at all costs...

Anyway, while the above series of events was annoying, none of it was surprising. In fact, it would have all be perfectly predictable even if Alya outing herself was that treated as a more neutral event. Her choice leading to bad things falls perfectly in line with a truly bizarre running theme in the show: outing your identity to the person you love romantically is a bad thing that leads to bad consequences. That's why Chat Blanc and Ephemeral ended the world and why Nino knowing cost Ladybug the fox and why the character they call Joan of Arc has to give up her miraculous to be with her love and why the Kwami's have this absolutely asinine dialogue in Kwamis' Choice:

Plagg: Sugarcube! Having to force them to choose between love and their mission is just awful! Maybe Master Fu was wrong to choose them. Tikki: No, they’re made for each other. Love is what gives them their strength. Plagg: But the impossible part of that love is destroying them, and I know a thing or two about destruction. Tikki: (sighs heavily) What can we do? Plagg: We must free them of that impossible choice. We must… free them of us.

This is the voice of the author telling you that outing the identities is not and never will be a good choice for the love square. Never mind that Alya is allowed to know Marinette's identity or that Gabriel finding out is what actually ended the world in the alternate timelines or that Felix outted himself in public but is still wielding or that freaking Gabriel was allowed to know half of the temp heroes' identities while they were still actively wielding. For some reason, those things don't matter to the narrative, probably because romantic love wasn't involved. The "identity reveals are a bad thing" rule only seems to apply when romantic love is a key element to the point where it's a reoccurring theme in this supposed power of love show.