#at least id hope so... ive been sick for two weeks so.

[menalez]

Tbh I have been reading the discussion around the whole “neutrality around sex with men” topic and you changed my mind. I’m a lesbian, I have dated two men in the past (casually for a couple weeks each time when I was in my late teens and early 20s), and had sex with each of them once. I used to identify as bi and when I finally realised I was a lesbian and people would ask me about when I dated men id say stuff like “oh it was fine but it wasn’t for me. I just didn’t like it” etc. I thought that I was “neutral” about the sex because I did it of my own free will and wasn’t pressured into it, and I didn’t think it was traumatic at the time or anything. But I was very drunk both times, I wasn’t aroused at all or attracted to my partners, it hurt and I wanted it to stop, but was too embarrassed to say anything so I powered through. I kinda just lay there and let them fuck me and tried to touch them as little as possible, I’m sure they thought I was boring and selfish in bed or whatever. I felt sick afterwards.

I’ve realised now that this wasn’t actually neutrality, and afterwards I would feel terrified and disgusted when men would express sexual interest in me, despite my still not knowing I was a lesbian yet.

I’m not taking a side on this topic because I don’t want to discount anyone else’s experiences but I wanted to thank you for helping me clarify this for myself. Those were bad experiences and I didn’t like them - I fully agree that a lot of confusion results from women in general downplaying sexual trauma or bad sex with men, to the point where I thought my experiences were normal and OSA often felt this way too (maybe they do! But for me it was BECAUSE I am lesbian). You saying that all that stuff isn’t actually neutrality made something click in my head.

this has been what ive found to be true for every lesbian who described having sexual experiences w men as neutral!! which is why i believe what i do. many gay ppl want to seem more nonchalant about it and come across more open-minded and ~fluid~ etc but in actuality when u talk about it more, it becomes clear that it wasn’t as “eh it was whatever just not for me” as they try to present it. i hope ur ok now anon and im glad that it at least didn’t full on traumatise u ❤️

[sadshitonmain]

DICEY I S DRUNK

Needdd to write my note before i ctb in a week ish so

Fuck u mom how dare you fucking give up on me. Picking new family and popping out kids like a goddamn pez dispenzer instead of like faking interest in shit i actully enjoy for five mins.

Same goes for dad but extra FUCK you for never visiting when you had the chance and extra extra fuck you for getting sick and losing what little ego you had left so you dont even recognize me anymore. Asshole move.

FUCK YOU EMILY GOD FUCK I LOVED YOU AND I ONLY FUCKING LEFT BC I KNEW I COULDNT STAY AWAY IF YOU EVER CALLED BACK AND IM STILL WAITING FOR IT 6 GODDAMN YEARS LATER. Im sorry too. I wish I'd had the help i needed before we tried to run away. I wish my wife coulda seen me at my best instead of my worst and ill never stop dreaming of a world where at least you're happy -even if itsone without me, Bc as far as i know you're probably dead and its all my fault. It never got better for me but at least im in control and hot now.

I'm sorry Sebastian. JP and FL and Kitsu. For my own good i shoulda stayed out of it. But at least i tried unlike you idiots. At least you had only one dead kid that year, if not for me there'd be two so fuck you. I just wanted to do some good for all my fuckups and i couldnt stand the idwa of another dead qu*er child. I miss you all, I hope missing me eats you alive.

To my new friends.

Skye, plz dont beat urself up over this one,.its my choice. Im not the same as her and you couldnt chamge anything, you just got caught in the crossfire.

Maddy, be smart be safe be yourself. Fuck someone and chase that femboy.

Thylia.. fuck you're the first real person ive met in a decade. I wish id met you sooner. Be strong.

Pip. Make a goddamn choice girl. Either be yourself or play it safe and be miserable. This life is hell and i wouldnt wish it on anyone. You still have a future, just be smart about it. Finish college, chase your passions. Transition quietly, practice looking how you want and move far the fuck away when its safe. Everyone goes through an ugly phase and thats fine. And seriously SERIOUSLY, just chill the fuck out and go with the flow.

No one else is worth mentioning. You all betrayed me. You all said id be nothing but a burnt out worthless fag and then you made that reality not me. I hate you all for it. Hopefully these bottles do me in.

Emi.. Alex.. whatever you go by now, howdy stranger. I'm sorry I'm like this. I'm sorry my ideas abt love and passion and loyalty were so fucked up.. it really was how i was raised and it still really was my fault. There isnt a day that goes by i dont wonder what would have happened had i stuck around for a few more days and let us both cool off. I was completely obsessed and jealous and who could really blame me, I clung to that stupid dream for dear fucking life for years and when i finally had the chance the world literally came crashing down around us. If not for covid, if not for SPDs fucking power trip, if not for how i was raised if not for how broken i was if I had just listened to you and respected you fuck our dream could have come true. I love you. I'll never love anyone else, I've always loved you since the day you were quietly introduced and sat in Mr. Baker's class across the room all those years ago. I knew then and I know now 14 years later that you were always my better half.

I hope eternity is real, I hope I suffer for it. This shitty trailer has been my exile for 4 years and in a week it will be my tomb.

In truth if id had any courage at all id have ended it a long time ago, but im a total goddamn coward even piss drunk on a work night. Im still praying you'll save me but i know it wont happen, it cant happen. I'll never change, I'll always be the crazy ex, always be another person that abused your trust and chased you across the city we were supposed to grow old in. I hate everything i was, and everything i had to be to survive and everything i am now. I don't blame you, i don't even hate you.

You were always right.

I still love you.

Dicey,

(Formerly Lusy, formerly Lyrah)

Fuck you all, i give up

[asummersday]

22, 26 and 30

22. Share an excerpt from your favorite scene

This scene from chapter 6 of ataimw is so very near and dear to my heart <3

The kitchen is dark and the lair is quiet. Leo doesn't really want to let Donnie return to his lab just yet.

"Sit down," he says, snapping the first aid kit shut. "I'll make us hot cocoa."

Donnie doesn't protest. He cradles his burned hand to his chest and shuffles over to the kitchen table. Leo messes around the kitchen, picking out a pot and two mugs, cocoa from the tea cupboard and milk from the fridge.

It's the peaceful sort of quiet that only exists this early in the morning, when everything is pale blue and the sun hasn't risen yet. Donnie says nothing, and neither does Leo.

He barely bothers to make anything fancy, he just tries to be quick. When he's done, he makes his way to the kitchen table, mugs in tow.

“I don’t know how to make it as good as Mikey’s or Raph’s, but—” he slides the warm mug over to Donnie.

It’s a very nice mug— ceramic and plain white with dozens of flowers of varying sorts and sizes printed all over it. Leo’s mug is a dusty blue with ‘world’s best grandma’ written across it in neat print letters. Not nearly as nice as Donnie’s, but it’s taller and wider, so Leo’s not complaining.

“It’s fine,” Donnie replies, picking up the mug and taking a hesitant sip. “Thanks,” he adds as an afterthought.

Leo hums in reply, sliding into a vacant chair at the table. Neither of them bothered to turn on any other light in the kitchen, so they’re mostly sitting in the dark, drinking hot chocolate in silence.

Leo feels tired. It’s five in the morning, and he feels it weighing on him. His eyes sting a little and he misses how comfortably asleep he was back in Donnie’s lab.

Across from him, Donnie leans back in his chair, head tilted up toward the ceiling, eyes closed. He’s not sleeping, but Leo wishes he was. Donnie is never this careless with his tools, he’s never careless enough to use the more dangerous ones when he’s sleep deprived. He wonders, briefly, if Donnie would’ve gone knocking on his door after the fact had Leo not shown up in his lab, demanding his twin’s attention.

26. If you had to choose one, what was THE most satisfying writing moment of your year?

Ohhh. I think I'd have to say when I decided to add Big Mama into the plot of ataimw. I know I've complained about it a bit but I just love to complain, I think its actually a pretty good direction I've taken the plot in.

YEAH cuz I was stumped for WEEKS trying to figure out the plot of this fic, because I suck at plots and I wasn't expecting this fic to require one. I have the angsty stuff going on alongside the plot (finding the cursed amulet) and I was like "well. Its kind of boring making Leo just like chase the foot clan around for 10 straight chapters especially considering that in canon theyre really not that good at what they do, plus its more fun to add something new to spice things up" and along came Big Mama. She's SUCH a fun character (but so difficult to write 😩) and having her in my story definitely makes my plot work better (bc bow Leo ACTUALLY has to work to get the amulet back instead of just chasing the foot clan around NYC. I got sick of that pretty quickly)

(Tbh a lot of people in my comments want leos brothers to find out what's going on but I HAVE A PLAN. and that plan involves no one finding out for at least a couple more chapters sorry.)

30. What’s something that you want to write in 2024?

Ive got a handful of projects for 2024, but at the top, id say finishing all the ashes in my wake. I have two Rise oneshots i really want to write also, both angst and hurt/comfort of course, and that's all I'll say about it :3

Theres also a DC fic that's been sitting in my drafts since September last year that I really hope to get to, though since my hyperfixation's fully shifted into rise idk when ill get to it

Thank you for the ask!!!!

[vehk]

damn, what a bitch gotta do to not feel shitty

[mandelene]

✿: feeling so out of it, they need constant attention

You’ve got it! 💕  Thanks for the ask!

Someone asked me to write asthmatic Matthew in the ER a while ago, and I didn’t do it, but here it is now. 😂 I hope it's not total trash.

Sweet Normalcy

Word Count: 1555

Chest pain, the dull aching kind that flares up every time he inhales, that’s all he feels. Keeping his eyes open takes a great deal of effort, but the constant hissing flow of nebulized albuterol being delivered through the mask on his face makes it hard to get any sleep. Maintaining a train of thought for longer than fifteen seconds is also a sudden challenge. When he rolls his head to the right and looks up at the monitor behind him, he sees his heart rate is in the 140s and his oxygen saturation is at ninety-five percent on albuterol and oxygen. That’s not normal for him. None of this is normal. He can’t remember the last time things got this out of control.

“Matthew? Any better, love?” Dad asks him from the chair to his left. He’s been sitting there for hours now, continuously keeping vigilant watch.

It’s a busy night in the emergency department, and it feels a bit like he’s in a bad fever dream. The doctor checking in on him introduced herself earlier, but he can’t recall her name. An alarm goes off every few minutes from someone’s monitor, and it takes him longer than it should to recognize that it’s his monitor making that noise and alerting his nurse to keep coming over to assess him due to his seesawing oxygen saturation and heart rate.

Matthew’s not even sure what time it is anymore. He barely remembers anything. Every hour or so, he will doze off into a fitful half-sleep for twenty minutes or so before waking again and feeling disoriented. A nurse could tell him he’s been here for a week, and he’d believe them.

“Matthew? I asked if you’re feeling any better?” Dad asks again, leaning forward in his seat to grab his clammy left hand and squeeze it gently.

“A little,” Matthew lies, for his father’s sake. He wonders where Alfred and Papa are. They were here earlier, he’s pretty sure.

“I can tell when you’re not being truthful,” Dad sighs, squeezing his hand harder. “You’re not improving. You need to be admitted. This is ridiculous. You should have been admitted hours ago.”

Matthew hates seeing him stressed like this, but he also knows there’s nothing he can do about it at the moment. He feels himself slipping into momentary sleep again, and his eyes flutter shut. He wants to go home. Wants to be in his bed…Is it morning yet?

“Sixteen-year-old with a history of asthma…Patient accompanied by his father. Patient began oral corticosteroid treatment two days ago at home after experiencing wheezing, chest tightness, and coughing that was not fully improving with usual rescue medications…”

They’re talking about him—Matthew realizes that much, at least. He opens his glazed eyes and sees a new doctor approaching him. His ID badge says he’s a critical care doctor. Matthew’s not sure what the difference is between him and the other doctor he saw earlier, but he honestly can’t be bothered to care. He wants to sleep. Desperately. And he wants the chest pain to stop.

“Matthew, buddy?” the doctor says, putting a hand on his shoulder.

He doesn’t want to breathe anymore. His chest hurts too much, and speaking would require taking another agonizing breath.

"Mmmrgh" is all he can manage.

“He’s been less and less responsive,” Dad supplies from the other side of the room, and Matthew can hear the nervousness in his voice, which is unsettling. Dad rarely ever shows how anxious he is when someone’s sick. “I can’t get him to talk to me in full sentences anymore—just phrases.”

The doctor carefully sits him up, and Matthew feels his whole body shake. He rests his elbows against the stretcher to brace himself. A cold stethoscope touches his back, and he shivers.

“He’s still not moving air. He needs to be brought upstairs to intensive care to be monitored. We’ll continue IV steroid treatment and continuous albuterol. If he’s still like this, we can consider non-invasive ventilation and take it from there. Our main priority is to protect his airway.” 

Dad says something, but Matthew doesn’t hear it over the noise of the nebulizer. He just knows he’s going to be moved soon and the treatment is going to become more serious now. If he weren’t so tired, he might be scared.

The doctor leaves, and Dad goes back to holding Matthew’s hand. “It’s going to be all right, love. You’ll receive better care soon and hopefully, you’ll start to feel better,” Dad tells him before using his other hand to pet his head. “Try to rest. I’ll be right here, and I won’t let anything happen to you, understand?” 

Matthew nods. His eyes do close again, and he does get some brief rest. The next time he’s aware of his surroundings and wakes up, he’s already in the ICU, which means he slept through his transport. The respiratory therapist is setting him up on a BiPAP machine, and once it’s on, it makes his chest hurt even more, which he didn’t think was possible. He grits his teeth against the pain and tries not to make a fuss about it—it would just make Dad worry even more. The air being forced into his lungs is welcome yet excruciating at the same time.

But he doesn’t have to say anything for Dad to know he’s suffering. It’s written all over his face. “I know, poppet. It’s just temporary. It should help.” 

It’s so exhausting that he falls asleep again without even needing to think about it. Again, he has no idea how much time passes until he sees the sun shining through the windows of the hospital, indicating that it’s finally morning. The BiPAP mask squeezing his face gets replaced with a regular oxygen mask again, and it occurs to him that his chest feels much lighter and his head is clearer. The worst is over. The air in his lungs feels crisp and refreshing...Almost sweet, even. 

“How are you feeling?” Dad asks for the millionth time, still perched next to him. 

“Better…For real this time.” 

Dad hasn’t slept, of course. He never sleeps in such situations. He was likely watching him all night and conversing with his care team. “Good. You gave us all quite a scare.” 

“Sorry.”

“Oh, no, it’s not your fault, love. Not at all…Do you think you’re feeling well enough to have some breakfast?” 

“Yeah.” 

Dad gives him a relieved smile and then goes off to request a breakfast tray for him. It gets brought up within half an hour, and even though Matthew feels a bit nauseous from the steroids in his system, he knows he needs to eat to gain some energy back.

He’s given some pancakes, a fruit cup, and orange juice. He decides to make a move for the orange juice first because his mouth feels incredibly dry and gross. He picks up the carton and that’s when he notices just how shaky he still is. His hands are trembling violently from all of the bronchodilators in his system.

Dad quickly takes the carton from him, sticks a straw into it, and then brings it back up to Matthew’s lips. “Here, poppet, I’ll hold it for you.” 

“…I can do it.” 

“You’ll spill it. Don’t be stubborn.”

It doesn’t feel great to have poorer motor skills than a toddler, but Matthew sips some juice through the straw anyway, allowing himself to be fed because he doesn’t have a choice. He finishes the entire carton, one pancake, and half of the fruit cup before his stomach protests. Dad doesn’t seem too happy about him not finishing the meal, but he doesn’t push it either. 

And just as he’s finishing up, he finds out Alfred and Papa are outside of the unit, waiting to be allowed in. He’s only permitted to have two visitors at a time, so Dad leaves to take a quick trip home to eat and shower while Alfred and Papa take watch next. 

“Dude, you’re alive! Thank God, man. No offense, but you were looking really rough and out-of-it yesterday,” Alfred exclaims upon arrival, bright-eyed and full of pep as always. “It’s good to see you’re looking more like yourself now.”

“We’re so relieved, mon chou. Your father said you may be able to come home as soon as the day after tomorrow.” 

“I hope so…Sorry for making everyone worry.” 

Alfred throws his hands up in the air and shakes his head dramatically. “I have to teach you everything, don’t I, Mattie? You’re not supposed to apologize for being sick. You’re supposed to milk it for all its worth and make everyone feel bad for you and buy you get well soon gifts. Tell Dad when he comes back that you wanna play the new Pokemon Snap on the Switch.” 

“That’s what you want to play, Alfred.” 

“Yeah, but we can share it, right?” 

“Alfred, your brother is seriously ill, and all you’re thinking about are video games again! Where did your father and I go wrong? You could show some sympathy!” Papa scolds, pinching the bridge of his nose in aggravation.

“It was a joke! Kinda…Obviously, I love ya, Matt! I was really worried, too!” 

And he has never craved normalcy as much as he does now. 

Yup. Things are already going back to normal.

[beatlebachelor]

May I? : Cedric diggory x reader

summary: your Cedrics best friend and you begin to realise your genuine feelings for him after he enters the Tri-wizard tournament only to find out he feels the same. hufflepuff reader!

Warnings: possibly fluffy?

Word count: 2,257

Y/N - your name

Y/E/C - your eye colour

This is my first time writing one of these so if there is any way you think i could improve please feel free to give suggestions!

Its Monday morning, 9:10 to be precise, me and my friends Cedric, Hermione, Harry and Ron were all sat down having breakfast in the great hall. Despite the fact me and Cedric were in Hufflepuff and the other three were Gryffindor we always sat together. Cedric was two years older than us and did get teased about hanging out with third years but it didn’t bother him, he enjoyed our company. I often hoped he favoured mine especially.

After everyone had finished their food Dumbledore stood up to do his weekly Monday morning speech, but it felt different this morning. “Is that Bartemius Crouch?” Hermione inquired. “Who?” Harry said cautiously. As Hermione went to answer she was quickly interrupted by Dumbledore as his voice bellowed through to the other side of the hall.  

“Today, I get to announce something very special and to help me we have Sir Bartemius Crouch from The Ministry of Magic. Hogwarts has been selected to host a famous wizarding event. The Tri-Wizard Tournament!” suddenly there were many whistles, cheers and whispers coming from all four tables, me and Cedric looked at each other in immense delight but everything suddenly stopped when Dumbledore spoke again. “There have been some new rules put in place this year to ensure more safety for our students, after all this is a very dangerous competition. Sir Bartemius Crouch, if you will” a few small whispers formed from different areas of the hall. Ron whispered to us all “if any of you enter this competition ill be praying for you, this tournament is the real thing, so many people that have entered this died just from the first round” What Ron said shook me up a little, part of me knew that Cedric would give into whatever temptation he had to enter.

After all the whispers had finished Bartemius walked up to stand beside Dumbledore. He pulled out a small piece of paper from his pocket where he had obviously written a speech. The room began to feel slightly tense. “From this year onward those who enter and compete in the Tri-wizard tournament must be at least 17 years old-” He was suddenly cut off by the majority of the hall shouting and screaming at him. Me, Harry, Hermione and Ron weren't phased by the new rule. None of us were of age anyway and if we were we wouldn’t have entered. Cedric however appeared to be very pleased with himself, he was 17, he could compete, he wasn’t my boyfriend or anything but id known him for ages. What if he entered and got hurt, I don’t want to stop him from doing something he is interested in though because that wouldn’t be fair.

When we all left the hall I went straight to dark arts, I didn’t speak a word to Cedric in fear that if I did I would just break down and cry. I didn’t want to ruin anything for him because I could tell from the look in his eyes that he wanted to win that cup, and if he wanted it then I would want it for him. After all I was his closest friend, friend... that never felt nice to say.

In dark arts I could barely focus, all I could think about was if I liked Cedric, I had known him for so long and never thought about whether how I felt about him was more than just friendship. I mean would it be so bad if I liked him? I couldn’t get him out of my head. UGGGGHHH this is so frustrating. The thought always did cross my mind about how perfect his face was, everything about him in fact, I couldn’t think of a single flaw no matter how hard I tried.

By the time lunch came I still hadn't made up my mind on if I actually fancied Cedric, I mean come on, am I really going to be like every other girl in this school and fall for his charm. And as if he’d ever like me back, by the looks of it he’s probably into one of the Beaxbatons Academy girls just like the rest of the boys in this place. In all fairness it is rather enjoyable to watch them walk, how do they always look like they are floating? Besides the point! Hopefully I'm just unwell, surely that’s the only explanation.

I went straight back to the common room, anything to avoid Cedric, even if it was missing lunch. However, it appeared my plan to avoid Cedric had failed when I walked in to see him sat on the sofa next to the fire. Just him, no one else. “Are you ok?” I asked with a shake in my voice. “Y/N I wanted to talk to you. We have been friends for ages which is why I want your opinion, I trust you” I felt a small flutter of butterflies in my stomach and proceeded to say “you trust me? I mean emm what is it?” that made me feel rather embarrassed. “Well, I was thinking of entering the Tri-wizard tournament but i know how dangerous it is and idk if I'm capable of the magic I will need to protect myself. I also don’t want to hurt anyone if something bad were to happen to me” A horrible feeling formed in my stomach and slowly moved to my throat. The thought of Cedric getting hurt made me feel sick. “Cedric don’t be silly. Your one of the most talented wizards in this whole school and you seriously think you wouldn’t be able to protect yourself. If its what you want then we all want it for you and I will help in whatever way I can to ensure you win” I said that full of confidence, I really did mean it, every word. “Youve always been there for me Y/N, I genuinely don't know what I would do without you” He pulled me in for a hug, I always loved our hugs, my head would always fall in the right place on his chest. He smells so good, almost a musky bark smell with a hint of vanilla. I wondered if he thought the same.

A week passed and it was time for the champions on the Tri-wizard tournament to be announced. First the champion of Beaxbatons, Fleur Delacour. Next the Durmstrang champion, Victor Krum. As the paper for the Hogwarts champion floated down into Dumbledores hand my stomach sunk but then I felt a slight warmth on my hand, I looked down and it was Cedric. He had interlocked his fingers into mine and was gently squeezing them with excitement, I turned to him and smiled he looked directly into my eyes with a slight smirk as his cheeks flushed pink.

Dumbledore read out the name on the paper “And finally the Hogwarts champion is, Cedric Diggory” Cedrics face lit up with pure joy, so did mine, his iridescent blue eyes glistening. He hugged me so tightly for only about 2 seconds, but there it was again, that smell, his scent makes me feel so warm inside. He let go and stood up to go shake Dumbledores hand. Everyone was cheering, mainly the girls, of course it was the girls.

Another week went by and we had been preparing for his first task, dragons, I don’t know what would've happened to Cedric if Harry didn't tip him off. We practised basic spells on how to defend himself against them for hours and hours. Now we would have to see if he remembered them. Whilst in the tent I stayed with Cedric, he asked me to, his words were “your the only one who can keep me calm” After he had picked out his dragon the canon went off, Cedrics eyes glazed over slightly as he turned and gently kissed me on the forehead. He had never done that before, maybe it was just out of nerves. So many thoughts rushed through my head, surely Cedric didn’t like me? By the time I had gathered my thoughts he had already gone. I ran to my place in the audience, right next to Hermione. She asked what took me so long. I didn’t want to tell her but at the same time I did, I gave her a brisk hug and began to watch Cedric in hope that he would succeed and taking the egg.

Cedric managed to complete the first task unharmed within what seemed about 15 minutes. I was so proud of him. When we were all back at the common room I realised I needed to talk to Cedric, about all the hugs and the forehead kiss and most importantly, how I felt, I waited for everyone to head to their rooms and asked Cedric to stay behind. We sat on the sofa with the fire crackling beside us. “I'm so happy you passed the first challenge, I'm really impressed” I paused for a second thinking of how I was meant to say what I needed to say, but then he cut me off. “Y/N, about earlier, when I kissed you on your forehead, I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. Recently Ive realised how much you mean to me and I don’t want to do anything that your not ok with. I'm sorry if this is forward but I really do like you, its everything about you. Your hair, your smell, your Y/E/C eyes. I'm sorry I sound so stupid right now” A rush of emotions came over me, was I hearing this correctly, did I fall asleep and I'm actually just dreaming. “Cedric, I feel exactly the same, I didn’t want to tell you in case you didn’t feel the same way and then it was too awkward to continue being friends. That’s why I asked you to stay down here with me for a bit” Cedrics cheeks were bright red and he had a happy/embarrassed expression on his face, I could tell mine was doing the exact same. He held onto my hand again, it felt so natural, I usually wasn’t all for the idea of being touched often but when Cedric did it everything felt ok.  

A couple hours passed whilst we were just chatting and even played a game of wizards chess. After I began to get tired he walked me to my room holding my hand all the way. When I got to the door he stopped. ”Y/N would you like to go to the Yule Ball with me” I didn’t even have to think “Yes Cedric, I would” He hugged me and let me go into my room.

We practised for the dance for the next two weeks, it was so fun, we rarely took it seriously but that was what made it even better.

Finally, I hope our practise for the dance was worth while considering I have two left feet. I had just finished getting ready, I wore a flowy light blue dress with a few pale pink and beige tones. As I walked down the stairs I bumped into Hermione. She looked so beautiful, her hair was so perfectly done and she was wearing the prettiest pink dress. Had I not made a big enough effort? We continued to walk down the stairs and I noticed Krum was waiting for Hermione, I couldn’t see Cedric so I stood and waited with them both for a bit. And then, there he was, he looked as handsome as ever in his dress robes, a wide smile formed on his face when he looked at me. He slowly walked over “you look absolutely stunning Y/N” he said whilst gently holding onto both of my hands. “Don't look too shabby yourself” I said with a little giggle, he laughed too, he always did tell me that my laugh was contagious.  

Once everyone was gathered in the great hall the champions and their partners were ordered to enter as we were the first to dance. We took position. Staring into Cedrics eyes as he held onto my waist made me feel as if we were the only two people in the room, I wasn’t worried, in fact I didn’t feel anything but joy. The music began and we set off. The more I continued to look into his eyes the more natural the dancing felt. Every time he lifted me into the air butterflies formed in my stomach, my dream was always to be able to dance in a ball with a gorgeous boy and now, my dream was coming true.

As the night grew longer me and Cedric remained in the hall dancing for hours upon hours. Eventually we sat down “Tonight has been really fun Y/N” he started “i actually have something to ask you, well Ive been meaning to ask it for a while now actually.” There was only one thing on my mind “sure go ahead” Cedric slowly stood up holding my hand causing me to stand up too. He gently moved the hair from out of my face and put it behind my ear and the proceeded to place his hand on my cheek. His hands were so soft, I could feel the warmth on my skin. My heart was beating so fast. I saw him open his mouth as if he was too scared to say what he wanted to. “May I kiss you” he said silently in a slightly shaky voice. I leaned in closer to him, my lips very nearly touching his. “...yes”

[h0neyjaehyun]

☁︎ 𝐃𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐝 ☁︎

Summary // Tali has a heart to heart with Chan, and the Dreamies experience Tali's child like personality when she is really happy.

Characters // Talia Flores + Bang Chan (ft. Dreamies expect Mark, Doyoung)

Era / Year // October 2017

Word Count //

Bold // English

⚠️Warning⚠️ // Breakdown

"Chan its gonna be okay, its not your fault it was never your fault and never will be."

It was the middle of a survival show of the creation of Straykids, Minho not to long ago got eliminated. She went over to his house and brung him food to cheer him up and she promised him that when she had free time she would help him with singing plus rapping. Then just last night Felix got eliminated just because he couldn't speak Korean properly, deep down she felt guilty not teaching him Korean, but she was busy with schedules she couldn't. After Chan walked him to his home, she just finished practice and went to Felix's house to comfort him. He felt so guilty and her heart broke at her friend feeling guilty he couldn't speak a language.

Korean was hard to learn from an english speaker perspective. It was like the opposite of English. She striked a deal with him at least once a week she would help him with Korean, inperson or through a screen since she did have to go on tour.

After she left Felix's place after putting him to sleep. She went to the person who felt most guilty.

She went into JYP building heading towards the studio where Chan usually is. He always in there, either producing, or avoiding his problems and feelings. She heard music, it was Hellevator, she heard it replay over and over again. She knocked on the door, the music stopped and it revealed a tried Chan.

"Hey sweetie" Tali smiled at him sadly she came in and sat on one of the chairs. Chan sat down on his chair and just looked at her. Then he just started to breakdown.

"I- I- I failed the- them Tali." Chan choked up crouched down in Tali's stomach.

"No, no you didn't Chan you tried your be-"

"NO I DIDN'T, I LET THEM GET ELIMINATED TALI....its my fault, I failed them, I promised we would debut together Tali....I promised them." Chan sobbed. Promises to them meant a lot to them. So when Chan couldn't keep that promise it broke him.

"Chan its gonna be okay, its not your fault it was never your fault and never will be." Tali comforted Chan petting his hair trying to calm him down.

"They don't blame you, they don't hate you, as long as you keep trying and helping each other you guys will make it. Jyp was just nit picky. This is not your fault." Tali said cupping his face whipping the tears off his face.

"But-" "No buts Channie, come on, lets go out for a bit, and get your mind off things" Tali suggested

Chan agreed.

They packed up at went to a open store and got some food and snacks. They went to a near by play ground and stayed there for a bit talking.

"Tali?"

"Hm?"

"How do you handle it?"

"Handle what?"

"The hate?"

Tali stopped at the question. She looked up at him in confusion. "What do you mean how do I handle the hate Channie?"

"Well, Ive been seeing some comments that, Im not a good leader or person and that im a f-"

"Shh hey hey, one that not true and two... I don't. Im not able to, but I don't show it. I usually distracted myself and not think about it. But they do get to me I am human."

"What about the staff?"

"Oh the staff are still asswholes to me and the Chinese line. I record whats she said about boys and me. Also that she left a member behind and got in the car instead. Honestly one more thing from her, she out." Chan laughed at her statement, but knowing she was serious. She hated when people get discriminated, she doesn't care if she does, only the people around her. So a staff member came she started acting like the boss and mistreating the chinese members which got Tali pissed.

Whether the boys or the staff know it she has a lot of power. Sm made her co-leader for a reason and that is to point out any staff mistreating members and setting them straight or firing them. They know she honest and knows how the entertainment system works. So they trust her who ever can't handle the idols or treat the idols properly and are reported by her. They will get fired so quick. So most staff that worked with her before know this and they know not to tell new staff because the staff themselves don't want a problems in the future because of another staff member.

"So one more strike huh?"Tali looked up at him.

"Yeah" she said quietly.

"How are you and Han?" Tali frozed at the boy's name.

"Fine" Chan raised an eyebrow at her.

"Fine? Really that all you gonna give me?"Tali sighed at the statement.

"Well, I don't know, its just. Its hard. He didn't believe me Chan. When he promised he would be there. He left me." Tali said quietly.

Chan was saddened that she still was unsure of her friendship with the boy. He made a promise he shouldn't have and didn't believe her words and left her, then expected when she forgive him everything would go back to normal. Which did, from the outside. People who did know Tali, would know it wasnt gonna go back to normal anytime soon.

When Tali talkes to people she cares about, her eyes have this light about them. But when she is unsure of the person a doubts them she has this sheild which would take a pretty long time to get down. It took Han since 2015 to atleast get Tali to talk to him again, 2 years. She was scared.

"You know he cares about you right? That he loves you like the rest of us?"Tali looked at Chan with doubt in her eyes.

"Does he really tho?"

"Tali.." Chan went infont of her and grabbed her hands.

"He really cares about you, do you think the guy will try to make you talk with him for around 2 years for him not to care about you?"

"I- Im just scared that he won't believe me.........that he'll leave."

"Tali if he does ever hurt you, you can always drop him, you are scarily good at that" Channie joked

Tali giggled

"Chan?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm afraid."

"You're afraid of what?"

"I'm afraid my group is gonna do that to me....not believe me, break promises, and leave me."

"Hey they won't, as long as you trust them I believe that it won't happen." Tali was stuck in thought.

"....what if they ask about my family....what do I say?"

"...do you want them to know?" "....no"

"Then tell them your not comfortable talking about your family"

"But what if they feel hurt when they find out you guys know and not them?" Tali said filled with gulit.

Chan sighed for once not knowing how to reassure the girl. Because if he was in the group and found out that a completely different group is closer to their only female member. He would feel sad and bitter. So Chan just hugged the girl to reassure her to gonna be okay.

Tali basked in this moment knowing nothing last forever, then realized something.

"...wait a minute shouldn't this be the other way around?"

"Shh no its fine" "No its not fine switch me"

"Tali its fine"

"No-"

"I swear Talia we are not fighting about this again"

They started bickering about who comforts who then she got a phone call.

She flinched at the sound and cursed in her mind realizing what time it is and how she didnt tell ANYONE she left the house. She turned the phone and sees the ID number as Doyoung. She cursed out loud, she was really hoping it was Taeyong.

"Hey language" Chan joked, Tali just glared at him. She picked up the phone scared if there was gonna be either yelling or a scary calm Doyoung

"Hell-"

"HELLO MY ASS WHERE ARE YOU ITS 1 AM IN THE MORNING AND YOUR NOT BACK HOME YOU MIGHT BE 18 (17) BUT YOUR STILL YOUNG!" Tali cringed.

"Im at the park, I was spending time with an old friend I lost track of time sorry." Tali said sheepishly.

"Its fine just come back home the dreamies were in panick when you didn't come back to the dorms so just go there and make sure your friend takes you there....wait is it a g-"

"Omg look at the time, its getting late thanks for calling me oppa im gonna go now bye!"

"Wai-" Tali cut him off and ended the call. She knew if she said it was a guy they will go all investigative mode and try to find out who the guy is.

Chan smacked the back of her head.

"Ow what was that for?!" Talia whinced while rubbing her head.

"For worrying your members and ending the call early, Talia you should know better." Chan said jokingly, shaking his head and pointing at her.

Tali smacked his finger and made are you serious face at him.

"You can't say anything, rememb-"

"Nope, this is not the time." Chan cut her off putting his hand over her mouth and dragging her off the park to the dreamies dorm.

"We are here thanks for walking me." Tali turned and hugged Chan knowing she won't see him for awhile. Chan just gave her a warm smile.

"No problem anything for our Butterfly." Tali smiled at the nickname. Remembering all times they have been together.

"Thank you for everything Channie, I really appreciate you." Tali said still hugging him looking up at him with this light in her eyes like Chan first saw when he was able to get closer to her. He always cherished that moment because it showed that she trusted him. Her eyes just poured out her emotions, it took time to able to read them but it was all worth it, and he would do it all over again.

"Always, I will keep my promise to you, and to him." He said rubbing her head. Tali's eyes changed when she thought about him, not sad ones more like grateful. Tali let him go and she went inside and waved him goodbye.

She went up the elevator, reminiscing the old times, even though it came to an end she still had part of them left with her as she held her locket in her palm looking at a picture that she cherished so much closing it back again once she was on the floor of the dreamies apartment.

She was at the door preparing herself for either a scolding or affection, probably both.

She unlocked the door and Jaemin tackled her to the ground.

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN I WAS WORRIED SICK SOMEONE HAD TAKEN YOU FROM US." Jaemin scolded her while he was squishing her. Then he picked her up and she went back on the ground by the 2 mankaes.

"Why didn't you at least text us" "Yeah I came in your room for cuddles and you weren't there." Chenle pouted while Jisung scolded. Tali giggled but she felt guilty for making them worried.

"Im sorry I didn't mean too. I was just visiting some friends I haven't seen in awhile." Tali said sheepishly.

"Wow so you left us for them wow." Haechan said with a betrayed face. Tali rolled her eyes at the boy running up to him and hugging him. He was surprised at the contact, Tali at the time wasn't big on skinship so she never really did it herself.

"Don't be a baby, I saw you all this morning and afternoon. I haven't seen them in a long time, how about this we can see a movie in my room for the night hm?" Tali pouted, she didn't want to get scolded.

The boys have never seen Tali act this cute and touchy before. They were loving it.

"Hm? How about we cook and then watch a movie?" Haechan inquired trying to see how long her cuteness will last. Her eyes brightened at the idea she let him go and clapped her hands.

"Yes pleaasee." Tali giggled. Tali was acting her age, which was the first time in forever, they didn't know how. But they were taking advantage of it.

"Lets start cooking, hm?" Jeno said while rubbing Tali's head. Tali looked him and gave him her famous smile that would literally make his hearts burst.

"Come on Tali, help me prepare~" Renjun said while grabbing Tali and gently leading her to the kitchen.

Everyone just stood in place for a couple seconds. Processing what they just witnessed.

"Hyung, what did we just witnessed?" Jisung asked

"I don't know, but I loved every single moment of that." Haechan said, Then Tali popped out with a cute apron on with Renjun behind her smiling at her fondly.

"You guys wanna help?" Tali said cutely, everyone gushed on how adorable was being. They didn't know but when ever she hangs out with Straykids she has this kid like persona come out of her and even afterwards, and thats what they are seeing, she just grew up with Nct and Straykids differently she acts an adult with Nct while Straykids she acts her age maybe a little younger. So when she left Chan she was in a happy mood and that continued to now.

They all looked at each other and then back at Tali.

"Of course Princess."

[thesingingrevolution]

today has not been daebak 🤙🏻

*rant*

ok so for a while now ive been trying to convince myself that id be fine not going to the bts concert today/this week (whatever), but today im realize that is definitely not the case lmao

ive been so busy this semester and tbh since i only became an army this year i only had a few weeks to truly be able to enjoy them without the crushing pressure from school and college apps.

literally the week butter dropped was the week i had almost all my ap exams. the best bangtan experience ive had was definitely when ptd was released cause i liked them enough to be seriously invested and i also had a few weeks left of vacation so i could afford to cry over the sope scene on twitter and on tiktok until 4am.

when the news dropped about the ptd on stage concerts i was quite surprised tbh, i didnt expect them to have a concert so soon (in relationship to the announcement date and just a short while after surely canceling their postponed 2020 tour) and in california of all places. but cool, genuinely happy for them

i followed the bloodbath that was ticket sales and was like "ooooh i cant put myself through that now, look at the stress im under already" and im probably not even gonna be in country then. well. its november 27th, Year of Our Lord two thousand twenty one and im sitting in nyc working on college essays i should have finished by tuesday. isnt that nice. i could have just tried hard to get tickets, finished my work early, enjoyed my thanksgiving, flown to california, seen bts, sent in my applications, finish the school year stress free, see my friend's show, spend Christmas happily and have a good time with my family cause its technically the last holiday season ill have living with them. like yea im getting ahead of myself, but thats what i feel will happen. im so unmotivated in general but especially after sending in my early college apps, i honestly think i have a good shot at most schools ive already applied to but gg. this sucks. i wish i could manage my time better. this rant went off track ugh.

the thing is, technically ive "seen" bts (someday i might talk about what i mean) but i would do anything to see them now and i feel bad cause realistically i could have gone to these concerts and its my own stupidity and disorganization that have made me upset. i feel so bad and im crying over yoongi for days now cause i have serious issues i should work on too. im literally an adult and so embarrasing. im lost, lonely, overworked and at my breaking point™️. i cant stop procrastinating even with my mom on my case. imagine when im at college and all alone? its gonna be a disaster. im genuinely concerned for myself. i love my mom but im just realizing one of the reasons i also cant see bangtan is cause im too much of a baby i am and i cant just tell her im a fan of them and have been for several months now. just cause fear of judgement or whatever. im so sick of myself. my brother makes out with his gf in our living room and i cant tell my own mom i like a boyband. wth is wrong with me.

my plan of action now is to get into college cause ive worked so hard for it, get my life together, work out my personal issues, go to a spa cause im losing my mind and need a break, tell my mom i love bts and wanna marry yoongi (my therapist knows we are working on getting over this together), use my new bank account (since im an adult *cries*) to pay for expensive tickets and go broke but at least feel happy doing it. and probably have to pay for my cousin to come with since she 1) loves concerts, 2) loves taehyung even though she knows 3 bts songs, 3) invited and PAID!!!! for me to go to harry styles with her. and i would love to have here there. like even if i told my parents its weird like my dad probably wouldnt approve of their fashion choices alone HAHSHSHSH and it would bee uncomfortable explaining some of their dance moves ~-~

but anyway. i hope to eat soon i havent eaten in eight hours. i hope to finish my essays for at least one college tonight. i hope all armys going to see bts today/this week have a gr8 time pls post pics on twitter. i feel dumb as heck for writing this instead of my essays but it feels good. im praying to get into college. stay safe and healthy, invisible audience. bless up

[jawritter]

You and Me...

Chapter 6

***SERIES WARNINGS**** Rape, non-con, male!rape, injury, violence, description of injury caused by rape, nightmares, self-harm, panic attacks, implied female non-con, language, ass hole Jensen, hurt!Jensen, dark fic, smut. If there is anything else I will add it as I go.

***Chapter Warnings*** VERY BIG TRIGGER WARNING!! This chapter contains descriptions of injuries and heavy implications of Male Rape! Please know I don’t take this sort of thing lightly, and I was gentle as possible in the descriptions and implications as I could be, but still getting the story across as well!! Hints of mental disturbance, language probably, kidnapping, Angst, overall this one is pretty heavy.

Word Count: 2790

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Reader, Jared x Reader, OFC Justin X Reader, OFC Steve x Reader

A/N: Anyway, all mistakes are mine, please don’t copy my work, Feedback is golden. If you want to be added to the series tag list, or my tag list just let me know! I hope you enjoy this one. After this chapter things tend to start to pick up a little.

Summary: It’s funny how one choice you made can change your whole life. One mistake can alter your course, and set you on a path that forever will haunt you. Two people find themselves getting through one of the hardest trials of Jensen’s life, on just one small promise. You and Me. We’ll get through it together…

Want more? Check out my Masterlist!!

***MASTERLIST***

***YOU AND ME MASTERLIST***

It had been three days since Jensen had been to the studio. 

Steve had tried calling him but got no answer. Steve was starting to get worried, therefore he was making sure everyone in the office was on edge because that was just Steve. 

"Maybe he changed his mind," you mumble, looking through the recordings that had already been done, and checking to make sure all the copyrights for the songs he wanted to do were sent off, and ready just in case he did decide to show back up.

"He can't change his mind! He's under contract to finish this album here in this studio," Steve gritted out, going through Jensen's paperwork looking for another contact to try. 

"Damn Steve, you put that shit on lock didn't you?" Justin said, spinning his chair in circles like an overgrown kid, not really concerned as to whether or not Jensen showed back up. He didn’t seem to like Jensen all that much anyway.

Steve turned to give him his best bitchface. "This album could put our studio on the map,"  he said coldly. “We need this guy to finish this album.”

Then something dawns on you, something you had totally forgotten about. You had Misha's number. 

You were going to send him a donation to his charity, and while he was here he gave it to you so that he could text you the address to send the money in to. 

"I have Misha's number, try him, maybe he knows a way to contact him," you glancing over your shoulder, and Steve looks at you like he wants to kill you for waiting until now to let that little piece of information out. 

Pulling out your phone and text him the phone number, and as soon as his phone buzzed with the number he was calling it, walking into the office, and leaving you and Justin to sit in silence on the other side of the door, listening to see if you could hear something. All the two of you seemed to make out was a muffled conversation that honestly sounded like it was very one-sided, with Misha doing the majority of the talking.

After about 15 minutes Steve walked back into the main recording room pale, and a little nauseated, flopping down in the chair next to you. 

"What I'm about to tell you guys doesn't leave this room," Steve said, looking between Justin and yourself. Your heart jumped speed. You didn't like the way he said that. 

"Three days ago Jensen was forcibly taken from Jared's bar when he was helping a bartender close up. They just found him today. He's at St. David's South Austin Medical Center," Steve looked down at the ground, and then back up at you two like he was unsure whether or not to tell you both the rest of the story. 

"Is he okay?" you asked. 

You weren’t exactly sure why your heart fell to your feet. Your hand ideally ran across the hand he touched just a few days ago taking his coffee from you.

"Was it some crazy super fan?" Justin asked, looking at Steve like he was bullshitting the two of you. 

Steve turned a little greener. 

"No, it wasn't a fan apparently,” Steve took a deep breath in order to settle himself.  

“Jensen and Jennifer hooked up a little over a week ago. Apparently, things didn’t go exactly the way she’d hoped, so when she got home she told her brother that Jensen had raped her. He and a few of his buddies took Jensen, and for three days kept him locked in a hotel... Returning the favor," Steve stopped talking, pinching the bridge of his nose and closing his eyes tight. Taking a deep breath to stave off the urge to throw up, or scream because he felt like doing both.

You fought to keep your breakfast down. The room seemed to be spinning. Your heart broke for him. Why you didn't know. What the hell? Why do you care so much? He was nothing but a complete and total ass to you! He hated you! Still, you couldn’t shake the gut-wrenching feeling deep down inside of you no matter how hard you tried to.

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Later that night you paced around your apartment with Steve's words ringing in your head. You couldn't imagine what Jensen had gone through over the past three days. It made you sick to your stomach every time you thought about it. 

Grabbing your purse you decide, probably against your better judgment, to head to the hospital. You had to see him. You didn't understand why, you had to see that he was okay. 

So now you found yourself walking through the halls of the hospital looking for a nurse to ask which room they were keeping Jensen in. Holding your studio ID tight in your hand, hoping it was enough for them to let you into his room. This late at night you would think there would be more nurses roaming the halls, but things were still and quiet, not much movement at all.

You were just about to give up. You had just about walked the whole hospital, and no one seemed to know where he was. Making your way back to the second-floor elevators you pressed the button impatiently, wondering if maybe they moved him to a different hospital, or if he just asked people to not come to visit him right now, so they were keeping his location a secret or something. 

It was stupid to come here in the first place. Jensen hated your guts. He wouldn't want to see you, so why the hell were you even here? That’s what your brain was screaming at you, and you had just about resided to the fact that it was right, and you were being an idiot by coming here.

Annoyed that the elevator was taking so long to open you were about to turn to take the stairs when you heard the familiar ding of the doors opening. Looking up you come face to... well... mid-chest... with Jared. 

"Y/N!" Jared said, wrapping you in a bone-crushing hug. He looked exhausted. The amount of puffiness and redness around his eyes told you he had been crying. "What are you doing here?" he asked, surprised to see you standing there. 

"Misha told us what happened. I came to see Jensen, but I can't find his room. No one seems to know where he is, or at least they don't want to tell me," you tell him, embarrassed that you even came you stared down at your feet.

Jared draped a long arm around your shoulders turning you around and headed toward the end of the hallway with you, stopping in front of room 241 he turned to face you. 

"Y/N, I want to tell you what you're going to see in there. It's not pretty." 

You took a deep breath. Why the hell were you all in your feels right now?

"What did they do to him, Jared?" you asked, almost afraid of the answer. Jared swallowed hard, looking like he was about to start crying again. 

"They jumped him in my bar while he was waiting on the new guy I hired to close up. They tied him up, knocked him out, and dragged him out of the bar. The rest we are guessing. He hasn't said a word since the ambulance driver picked him up on the side of the road where they dumped him when they were done with him. According to the doctors, it looks like he was tied down to something, then was repeatedly violated. That’s all we know, and he’s not telling." 

You held the vomit back that threatened in the back of your throat. Both you and Jared shivered involuntarily.

"When I first saw him he was covered in blood, and what looked like vomit. They had to sedate him to clean it all off of him and do the examination. Every time someone touches him he freaks out. They couldn't even get him as clean as they wanted because he was fighting so hard. From what I understand they cut the twist ties off of his wrist in the ambulance. They said he was just dumped completely naked, and still tied. Some dick truck driver saw him, and called the ambulance, but didn’t have the decency to stop and help him. Just kept on driving.”

Jared watched as you tried to compose yourself, the flood of emotions that were hitting you as he told you how he was found was more than you thought it would be for you. 

"You sure you wanna go in there?" he asked you when you finally could breathe properly.”I get it if you don’t.”  

"Yeah. I need to see him." 

Jared never questioned, he just shook his head and opened the door. 

At first, you didn't even see him lying in the bed. It just looked like a heap of covers in the middle of the bed. Moving around the bed you finally found the top of his head. 

He was laying on his side with his back to the door, the covers pulled all the way up almost over his head. 

"Jay...  Y/N's here to see you," Jared said, walking around the bed first. 

The heap of cover never moved. Jared looked at you apologetically. 

You slowly made your way around the bed, afraid of what you were going to see. He looked so fragile lying there in that bed with monitor, wires and different IV's coming out from under the cover. There wasn't a lot of bruise on his face. Especially around his mouth. It was bruised all the way around his lips to almost his left ear. His lips were swollen and cracked.  You shuddered at the thought of what might have caused that. 

The rest of him was well covered, but for a scratched up hand sticking out from under the cover by his face. 

It was his eyes that got to you the most. 

He never made eye contact with you or Jared. He just stared at the wall between the two of you blankly. No light there at all. No movement. A very evident “the light's are on, but no one is home” look. 

You couldn't stop the cascade tears that were falling down your face. They had broken something deep inside him, and you didn’t have to be a doctor to see it. 

"Physically the injuries aren't permanent. It's the mental damage the doctors are worried about," Jared said, sitting on the small sofa next to his friend's bed, watching him closely. 

Jensen just continued to look at the wall as if the two of you weren’t even in the room, and no one was talking about him less than three feet away from his bed. 

There was a picture of him and his kids by the bed, no doubt brought there by Jared. He was smiling in the photo. He looked so happy. So contradictory to the broken man laying there in front of you. The longer you stood there you felt like your heart shattered into a million pieces. 

Everything in you wanted to pick him up and just hold him until he was okay again, even though you knew that him being “okay” again wouldn’t ever be that easy.

"Did he really do what they say he did to Jennifer?" you turned and asked Jared, feeling like you were going to be sick again looking at the dirt and dried blood under his fingernails. 

You tried to keep your mind from wondering whether the blood was his, or his attackers. You weren’t very successful.

"I don't know, and I'm not trying to justify anything he may have done, but do you think he would have deserved this? I was there when he asked her to dinner with him. She was definitely more than willing to show up at his house wearing next to nothing." 

He was right of course. No one deserved what Jensen had been through. 

You sat down in the chair next to his bed. Jensen was still staring at the wall like he didn't even know the two of you were in there. Reflexively you reached for his hand, wanting to comfort him in some way, but he jerked it under the cover before you even got close, never making a sound. 

Even though he didn’t make a sound, he slowly looked up at you. Jared moved closer, not sure what he was going to do, but hoping that seeing you would pull him out of whatever mental cage he had enclosed himself in. 

He did nothing. He stared at you for maybe a whole minute. A single tear slipping down his face then looked back at the wall. The blank look never once leaving his eyes. 

Nurses came in checking the monitors while you and Jared sat next to Jensen talking, trying to avoid the subject of Jensen's injuries in front of him. Neither of you wanted to upset him. Jensen never moved, still just staring at the wall. 

Finally, looking up at the clock you saw that it was close to 1 in the morning. Rubbing your face in frustration because even though you knew it was late you didn't want to leave him. He had dozed on and off while the two of you sat there talking, but he seemed to be awake right then. The amount of drugs they were giving him to manage his pain level probably didn't help his current state either. Still, you couldn't imagine the physical pain he was in. You didn't even want to think about what was going on in his head. Still, it was late, and you needed to let Jared get some rest. 

"It's getting late, I need to let you rest. I'll come by tomorrow after work if that's okay," you tell Jared, reaching down to grabbing your purse. When you leaned down to grab your purse you had put your hand on the bed to brace yourself.  It was something you did without thinking. Just a natural movement.

So lightly you almost didn't notice it you feel a calloused hand lay softly on top of yours. Looking up you see Jensen had reached over and grabbed your hand. Both yourself and Jared held your breath. For the first time, Jensen slowly made full eye contact with you, and not like he was looking through you with the same blank look on his face. 

It was eerie and unnatural. Even though he was physically there, and probably knew vaguely where he was, he seemed to mentally be millions of miles away.

You went to take your hand away just to see what he would do, testing the waters kind of. When you did he tightened his grip on your hand, holding it in place. 

"Jay," Jared said, trying to get his friend to look at him. 

Jensen never spoke, but he did look at him with tears falling from his deep green eyes. It almost looked like he was on the edge of panic, but wasn’t quite mentally there enough to fall over that edge. 

"Are you in pain?" Jared asked. 

Jensen did nothing. 

"Do you not want Y/N to leave?" he asked Jensen again. 

Jensen did nothing, just stared back and forth between Jared and yourself. 

Closing his eyes he slipped back into his drug-induced sleep with a death grip still on your hand.

For just a moment you considered staying, you did stay for another hour, Jensen never moved again, just slept. Honestly, it's what his body needed. To rest. So you gently slipped your hand out of his, gave Jared a hug, and your number, telling him to call you if he needed anything, and made your way to the door, letting both men get some rest. 

When you finally got back to your car you sat there completely broken-hearted for the man lying in that hospital bed.

You hadn't realized it till right now. Seeing him so broken had brought it right in the front of your attention. 

You didn't hate him like you thought. 

You felt something else entirely. 

This changes things.

For you anyway. Jensen had a long road ahead of him. Last you knew he hated you. Starting your car you wiped away the tears that were still falling from your own eyes. Praying to whoever was listening that you didn't get your heartbroken and that he could recover from this.

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[imagine-lcorp]

To Be a Hero (Part IV)

A/N: Hi everybody!!Been a while, uh? Fortunately, here it is! the last part of this series!! Really happy to finally finish this, I hope you guyes enjoyed it, as always let me know what you think and kudos to the people that requested this and the next chapters, love you all! 

Lena Luthor & Metahuman Daugther R//Word Count: 1,964

- Part I - Part II - Part III - Part IV - Full Text -

-------------------------------------------------

It was midnight when Lena received the first call that was about to turn her life around.

It had been a couple of months after the attack of the Lost Sons of Liberty and she was still getting used to the silence in her own house. A silence that was plagued with echoes of chattering and laughter of someone that was no longer there. And Lena did not believe in the supernatural but she could have sworn she had seen the ghost of you a couple of times already. It was hard trying to sleep with your silhouette adorning the door frames and your voice calling her in a muffled whisper.

So she rolled on the bed and took her phone from the nightstand after the third ring, mostly so she could stop the noise of it and hear another voice that wasn't the ghost of yours.

"Lena?" She hear from the other side once she answered, not bothering to look at the number ID.

"What is it, Alex?" Lena recognized her voice but couldn't identify its urgency at first.

"I'm sorry I woke you up."

"Don't worry, I'm sure there's something going on so, what is it?" Lena asked hoping there would be something at least interesting to distract her mind.

"There is indeed something going on, but I need you to come to the DEO." She heard Alex sigh. "It's about (Y/N)."

At the sound of your name Lena jolted fully awake from her bed. "What about (Y/N)?"

"I would like to explain it to you, but I think it's better if you see it for yourself."

A thousand things crossed Lena's mind in that single moment and only one strong enough to set her into motion. Hope.

"I'm on my way." She finally said.

When Lena arrived, she was taken to the conference room at the DEO. Alex, Winn, J'onn and Kara were already there, looking at the screens and reading papers as if they were getting ready for a new mission. They almost didn't see her come in as she spoke.

"Lena-" Kara tried to ease the following conversation.

"What is it?" Lena asked as a manner of a salute, leaving the formalities aside.

None of them was bothered by this as they knew why had decided to come in the first place. She was a worried mother about to do the impossible to have her daughter back.

"A month ago our radars started to record certain signatures of radioactive activity." Alex started and handed Lena the file records as she took a seat near her. "We didn't put much attention to it, after the attack of the Lost Sons of Liberty we thought it may have been a glitch."

"What do you mean a glitch?" They looked at each other briefly in awkward silence as Lena passed the pages and read the reports.

"After the radioactive explosion, they were reading seconds of activity in many other locations." J'onn added.

"Yeah, it was like there were being many mini radioactive explosions everywhere." Winn continued. "I double checked the systems. It wasn't an error."

"All these places..." Lena said, still looking at the reports. "(Y/N) was in all of them at least once."

"We noticed that too." Alex turned to face Kara, encouraging to speak.

"I went to check most of them, to make sure there wasn't something out of the ordinary but in every location there was at least someone telling me they had seen some kind of-" Kara struggled to find a word for a moment. "Ghost."

"Ghost?" Lena lifted her eyes from the papers and looked straight at Kara. She flinched slightly at the intensity of Lena's stare. "Are you really telling me a bunch of strangers saw the ghost of my dead daughter?"

Lena thought it had to be some kind of sick joke. She had come to the DEO against all reason, holding some hope in her heart that there would be a kind of miracle that could erase the past weeks of longing and solitude, or at least something that could help her ease the pain of your absence. She certainly hadn't come to hear about the undead. She had enough with the traces of you at home.

"N-no, Lena, no." Kara blurted immediately. "I'm telling you the truth."

"I promise you, Miss Luthor, it is not a game for us." J'onn spoke, her voice calm and collected. Lena imagined he had pondered for a long time before revealing this to her, not wanting to bring her any more sorrow. So she listened and Kara continued.

"At first, we weren't sure about this either but after I visited one of those locations, the music shop in Warden Street, I talked to the owner. He said he was so excited he had finally caught a poltergeist on camera and then showed me his security cameras. Winn, could you?"

"Yes, right." Winn pulled his laptop from the table and after a few seconds the screens in the conference room were on and displaying the security footage from inside the shop.

Lena's eyebrows were going up slowly as she watched second by second the images on the screens. There was a circle of light forming in the middle of the shop, then there was a small explosion, a strong pulse coming from inside the light, expanding and contracting until Lena could see some sort of figure emerging from it. It all looked like a bundle of cables moving and trying to find a way to hold themselves onto the air until Lena realized it had the resemblance of a human body.

"I used the DEO system to identify more security cameras that could have been near this locations. I put the few videos I was able to collect in chronological order and while revising them, well, I think we found more of (Y/N)'s ghost. Look."

As Winn showed each video, the figure coming and forming from these little explosions was taking better shape. Lena could see it now. The nervous system, the bones, the muscles showing progressively like it was a puzzle finding its own form, its own body.

"Lena, we think (Y/N)'s trying to come back." Alex said. "We just haven't figured out how."

The first time Lena ever held you in her arms she had feared for a moment she wouldn't be a good mother. Scared that she couldn't protect you from the evils of the world, scared that she could hurt you too. After all, what did she really know about motherhood? But she loved you. She had loved you the first instant she ever knew about your existence and even more the moment she saw you. You had looked so tiny and fragile once you came into this world that she had sworn to protect you no matter the cost. So that was what she was gonna do.

"Then we will." She assured, more to herself than to anyone else in the room, and they all set to work.

Needless to say, it was complicated task. One day you would be back at the music shop and the next you would be on another corner of the world. There were also many times when Lena returned home hoping she would catch any sign of your silhouette or hear your voice. But your appearances were too erratic and too short to even recreate an ordered pattern. Lena had never seen something like this, not even when you had first tried your powers.

"We have to give her time." Lena suddenly said one evening as she and the rest of the team watched the last video Winn had been able to retrieve of you.

"Uh, how much?" Winn asked a bit confused. "Like a week or something?"

She remembered the initial diagnosis the DEO had given about your powers. The ability to travel from one place to another at will by disassembling and reassembling your own cells at will. Lena guessed you were finally learning the cellular part of that while pulling yourself together.

"Just time." Lena assured with a little and confident smile. "She is figuring it out."

They followed your every move after that. Your mom was hopeful every time they were able to catch you on camera as you looked more and more like a whole body.

Sooner or later, she thought, she would have you in her arms again and, after weeks of following you, Lena went to get a peaceful night of sleep. She never imagined, however that, while they were waiting patiently for your return, the wait for you was already over that same night...or day.

It had been during the late evening when Diana felt the sudden change of energy inside the room. She had been in the Louvre, taking care of the final details in the pieces for the next exhibit, when she felt the air turn heavier and had thanked the gods no one else had been there to see what occurred next.

There was a small explosion in the middle of the room as a tangled figure emerged from the light. Diana had to cover her eyes for a moment to be able to see nerves and veins, bones, muscles and skin, all finding their way and wrapping around to form a human figure. It all finished in seconds and with another flash of light as your body fell heavily to the floor and Diana was finally able to recognize you. She ran to your side, making sure you were in fact you and you hadn't suffered any other kind of injury.

"(Y/N)? Can you hear me?" Diana took you gently on her lap and tried to wake you up.

You opened your eyes slowly, trying to adjust to the newfound light and focused them on her. If you hadn't felt so tired and out of breath you would had slapped yourself on the forehead in annoyance. You weren't suppose to be this far from home.

"Why France?" Diana heard you say with an annoyed but happy grunt before you fainted.

That's when the second call came in.

It had been two in the morning when Lena jolted awake and grabbed her phone imagining it would be Kara or Alex, or someone else at the DEO, to finally tell her you were here. When she answered she heard a familiar voice just not one she had expected.

"Diana?" Lena frowned a bit in confusion. She and diana were good friends and she was not unused to her calls but this was different. She sounded different.

"I'm sorry if I wake you up but you need to come." And with that Lena knew. "It's (Y/N). She's back."

It may have been the fastest trip Lena Luthor ever took in her life. With the help of Supergirl, she was able to reach Diana's apartment in less than an hour. Lena sat beside you as you laid in Diana's bed. Diana had explained to them what had happened at the museum and how you had been sleeping since. She looked at you, the slow rhythm of your respiration and the features of your face. She almost didn't believe you were there.

Then Lena saw you take a deep breath and open your mouth slightly.

"Am I in trouble?" You mumbled a moment after.

"Not yet, young lady, but we'll be having a long conversation about playing the hero." She managed to say, keeping the tears at bay and touching your face gently. "Just wait till we get home, sweetheart."

"Yeah, sounds about right, mom." You said with a little smile playing on your lips. You could be a hero any other day but, for now, it was enough to be back.

[gothfoxx]

I read this fic recently where after giving izuku his quirk, all might works him way to hard, forces him to hide his pain from others, and hurts him when he can't hide it. All the while, izuku thinks its normal, and that all might is just trying to help him. could you do a one shot where dadzawa finds out and goes all "you will never touch this child again" mode? please i need comfort after all the angst.

Anon if it’s the fic I’m thinking of...I understand, here’s some comfort and if I can fit it in some Dadzawa fluff🖤

Also I’m using this song as inspiration cause it fits the way Aizawa would be feeling during the whole thing

Also sorry for my sins, I wanted to make it DAD Dadzawa 🙏

All of the students were back with their families for golden week so Aizawa was taking his time to get back home from the meeting with Ally Cat and the other vigilantes. He was going across an alcove that held a hidden beach when he heard the sound of retching. Normally that wouldn’t be enough to draw him in, drunks weren’t worth the trouble if they weren’t causing problems, what did have him looking down into the alcove was the sob that followed. It was the sob of a child, a child he had thought was safely at home with their mother.

Midoriya Izuku was huddling into the back of the alcove, right up against the rock of the short cliff, shivering and dry heaving. He was covered in dark marks and smudges, his shirt was way too thin for the weather and his wasn’t wearing any shoes. In the dark his hair and the smudges looked black while his pale skin looked sickly in the moonlight. Aizawa’s instincts had him jumping down the cliff in an instant, that probably wasn’t the best idea because the small boy flinched and curled into himself like he expected a blow. From here Aizawa could smell iron along with the bile. Midoriya was bleeding.

“Midoriya?” No response, “Midoriya?” Still nothing. Aizawa sat down in front of the boy, minding the sick, and tried again, “Izuku?” The kid’s head snapped up at the use of his first name. “S-Sensei? Why are y-you he-here?” Midoriya asked with chattering teeth. Thanking kami that he was in civilian clothes Aizawa took off his coat and draped it over his student’s trembling shoulders. “Well kid I could ask you that same question, I’m a off duty underground hero. What’s your reason?” He gently reached out and tilted Midoriya’s head so the light hit him better, the kid had a black eye that was swollen shut and a busted lip. “Who did this to you?” His voice remained calm but the instincts that made him jump down here were yelling at him to take this kid and book it. There was a crunch in the sand behind him just as Midoriya’s eyes grew wide and he gasped out “All Might”.

The crunch turned out to be a stray dog that came up to sniff them, whimpering into Midoriya’s side while the boy took to slowly petting its head. It didn’t take an idiot to put together the clues, the kid had a quirk he couldn’t control, he seemed unused to praise, he and Yagi knew each other before class, the low self worth, the clear aftermath of a harsh beating, and the fear at being found by Yagi. Obviously Midoriya was being abused by his father, a man who claimed that the boy was not in fact his. Aizawa had looked into the kid, he knew the boy got his quirk late and he wasn’t a stranger to a father leaving because of a quirk. It was plausible that a dead-beat might come back once he thought his kid was worth something now. “Midoriya does your mother know where you are?” He hopes that she doesn’t, that she wasn’t letting this happen. The boy stiffens and the dog whimpers again trying to snuggle the kid. “N-no, she d-doesn’t n-n-know. She i-is out of town.” Midoriya’s answer rings with a hollow note. “Mid- Izuku, where are you stay while she’s out of town?” The gut feeling is eating at him now chanting a montra of ‘grab him and run, hide’ and he was so close to giving in.

Midoriya didn’t get a chance to answer because another crunch in the sand, this one much heavier announced the arrival of someone else. The dog stood in the kid’s lap and growled. The figure standing behind Aizawa was the skeletal form of Toshinori Yagi. It wasn’t the Yagi or All Might Aizawa was used to and annoyed by, this Yagi had looked less like death was at his door and more like he was the reaper coming to collect his bounty. “Midoriya you shouldn’t run off like that, look you’ve worried this poor man and his dog. Come along we need to go back to the agency.” And if Aizawa hadn’t grown up hearing the same tone of fake concern from his mother or afterwards when dealing with domestic abuse cases he might have fallen for it. Standing up to his full height and letting all the protective rage and childhood fear fuel the fire behind his glare Aizawa growled out, “he isn’t going back with you. He’s never going with you anywhere again! I don’t care if he is your kid or not Yagi, you are never laying a hand on him or going near him again! I’ll make sure of it!” All Might blinks in shock then recognition, “Hello Aizawa, didn’t take you as a dog person. Now why can’t I take my charge back with me? He’s my responsibility.” The titan asked, the threat in Aizawa’s words either not taken seriously or not understood. “Because Yagi, he was scared to death that it was you when I found him. He’s terrified and covered in injuries and blood. You are not getting him back ever.” The anger and panic in his gut turned from a hot feverish wild fire to a freezing acidic poison that laced his every word. He would fight the world’s number one, the devil himself, to protect Izuku.

After a great time of staring each other down All Might yields and takes a step back. “Fine, keep him, but I’ll always be there. He can’t escape his destiny and we’ll always be connected.” He states the last bit towards the boy still cowering behind the dog. The dog growls again and lowers into a fighting stance. “His destiny is his to decide. Being his father doesn’t automatically his dad, it doesn’t make you connected. Don’t ever think it does.” Aizawa declares with the wisdom of someone who had to find that knowledge firsthand. All Might scofts and walks away a dismissive wave of his hand.

Aizawa stands there for a long while making sure the skeletal was really gone before he turns back to the two behind him. Izuku is staring with his one good eye like the world had just flipped upside down. As gently as he can muster Aizawa starts talking to Izuku “Hey kid, it’s going to be okay. I know it might not make sense now but you’re safe now, what was happening with you and him was not how anyone should treat you. I won’t let him make you think it’s okay just because you share dna. I won’t let him hurt you again, you’re safe.” The kid still looks so lost but he nods, it looks like it causes him pain though.

“Okay first thing first, medical care.” The boy opens his mouth to argue, “Kid you look worse than I did at USJ please don’t try to fight me on this.” Aizawa pleads as he pulls out his phone and calls Ally Cat, they should still be awake and they have a car. The conversation is short and to the point, Cat will be picking them up with a change of clothes and some flip-flops for the kid and a leash for the stray. “Thanks for doing this Cat, I know it’s short notice.” “All emergencies are short notice Eraser, I got your back.” “See you soon” “you know it” And with that everything is set into motion, slowly but in motion non the less. He looks back at Izuku after he hangs up, the kid is dozing off with his hands in the dog’s fur. If it wasn’t for the injuries and time of night Aizawa could pretend that they were just at the beach for the peaceful silence. He figured he could take them to a different beach, make better memories, once the kid wasn’t beat to hell and back. “Huh, guess I have a kid and dog now. Mic and everyone aren’t going to let me live this down.” He muses just as a black mini-van pulls to the side of the road above them. “Cat must have been worried” he huffs as he carefully scoops up Izuku and heads around the side of the aclove and up to the road, dog loyaly following.

Izuku had three cracked ribs, neck and shoulder injuries like that of a retired boxer, and a fractured cheek bone. The doctor was suspicious of the duo when they came into the hospital but after Aizawa showed him his hero ID and explained it as an abuse case the worried anger faded. Aizawa didn’t blame the man for thinking the worst. As they waited for more tests to come back and the boy to wake up from the use of a healing quirk Aizawa called Nezu to inform him about what had happened and they made plans to have Yagi removed from the school quickly & quietly. After that the kid was still sleeping and the doctors saw he wouldn’t be waking for a least another hour or two so Aizawa texted Cat about the dog.

E: is it chipped

A: nope

E: can your friends have it checked over and chipped today?

A: sure but it’s not an it she’s a lovely shiba mix

E: ok thanks

A: anytime, you adopting just the dog or?

E: he has a mom

A: :/ you know what I mean

E: yeah I do and yeah

A: cool! I get to be the cool auncle! Dibs!

E: why are all my friends like this?

A: cause you like the affection:p

E: no you

He ignores the next text because Izuku wakes up. The kid looks lost again, just rotating his arm with the iv in it and mumbling to himself. “Hey champ, you fell asleep before we got you here.” Aizawa explains slowly because the pain meds might be messing with the kid’s head. The kid just looks up at him with pinched eyebrows and confusion,”we?” His voice is so small and dry, Aizawa grabs a cup and fills it up from the sink in the room they are in. “Yeah my friend drove us here. They took the dog to a vet to get checked over too.” He elaborates as Izuku drinks the water. “If you want to we can keep her, the dog I mean, she isn’t chipped and my friend thought you might want to keep her.” He asks a bit unsure of how to address what happened without causing the kid more stress. “But the dorms don’t allow pets if it’s not for a quirk or medical reasons.” The kid says sadly. And that wasn’t going to stand on Aizawa’s watch, he claimed this kid and he was going to be the best guardian he could be. “She doesn’t have to stay at the dorms, she can live at home.” He assures the kid.

But now the kid is tearing up and the man did not know what he did wrong or how to set things right. “I don’t have anywhere else to take her, mom got caught in a villain attack at work. The whole building came down. Yagi-Sensei had been letting me stay at this agency.” And just fuck, Aizawa hadn’t been told Ms Midoriya had passed and he had a feeling non of the other staff did either. “Izuku, you don’t have to ever go back with him but you can’t not have a home. After tonight I think Yagi will sign his parental rights over to me but only if you are okay with it. If not then we can figure out something else or make you a ward like Er-“ He stops mid sentence as Izuku hugs him, burying his bandaged cheeks into Aizawa’s neck. All The man can do as the kid clings to him is cling back, he had no idea when the last time an adult showed this kid love so he held the boy close. “He- he’s not my d-dad Aizawa-Sensei, my dad g-g-gave me up years ago. Yagi-Sensei du-doesn’t have p-parental rights.” The kid admits as he sobs, his voice just barely above a whisper. “I didn’t want to be alone.” Izuku confesses, breaking the heart of the man holding him.

When doctors give them the okay and Izuku has gotten himself back together enough to put on the clothes Cat had brought Aizawa has Cat take them to His apartment near U.A. the shiba is waiting in the back of the van with a shiny red leather collar. Izuku and the dog fall asleep quickly. “So Sho, this mean you’re gonna petition for custody?” Cat asks as they drive, careful to not to wake the kid with the sudden sound. “Don’t have to, circumstances have changed. I’ll just have to file for adoption.” He sighs, he knows they won’t pry into it while everything is still happening so he feels safe enough to let them know. “Cool, just remember I called dibs on being the cool auncle. I’m spoiling him and that sweet pup.” They remind the tired man as he spots the apartment building up ahead. “You’ll have to fight Mic but I think being spoiled by both of you idiots will be good for him.” He laughs softly as he pictures the gift war that’s bound to happen now. “Don’t worry Mr Dad, I think you’ll spoil him enough before we can. You gave him a dog and he’s not even your kitten yet.” They tease.

It’s been three weeks and Izuku settles into his new bedroom with his new dog, Kēki, the room is kind of baren but he didn’t have a lot to decorate with yet. He’d thrown out or given away most of his hero merchandise, only keeping a few things his mom gave him. He was looking forward to the next week, Shota had told him that the papers were in and that by that time they would approve the adoption. Soon Izuku would be Midoriya-Aizawa Izuku, he wouldn’t have thought he’d like living with his teacher but the man gave off the same soft caring aura Izuku’s mom had...just in a quiet way. While the man wasn’t very physically affectionate he did listen when Izuku needed him, he asked questions about Izuku’s interests and goals and just overall made the kid feel like he mattered.

Izuku loves his dad, he hadn’t really known his birth dad so it was easy to give that title to the man that had taken him in so readily. Life was looking up, All might had been let go from U.A. and wasn’t allowed to teach ever again. Grand Torino had reached out in condolences when he heard that his non-grandson had lost his mother, the old man offered to watch him if the situation ever occurred. So now Izuku had a dad, most of the staff of his school as aunts and uncles, some odd vigilante that called themself his ‘auncle’, Kēki, and a grandpa! He still missed his mom but his dad had sent him to therapy to work through what All Might had put him through and Izuku had discovered he had some deeper issues of self worth and expecting abuse from those around him. So things were steadily getting better, not noticeably but he was just starting.

“Izuku! Kēki! I brought home dinner!” Shota called as he locked the door back. An exicited kid and dog bound into the front room looking so happy that Shota had to blink away from their brightness. “Come one lets eat while it’s still hot.” He laughs as he carries the bags of take out to the coffee table by the couch. As they dig in a feeling of rightness surrounds them. “Thanks dad.” “No problem Champ”

Kēki is a shiba mix with an all brown coat with a white tail that makes her look like chocolate cake with a dollop of white frosting this the name cake. Ally Cat wasn’t meant for more than just a throw away line but then they needed a car so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ hope you liked it anon

[emcases]

A Covid Day

I have been leaving later than usual for work (I drive).  There’s no traffic in New York City.  The 40-minute commute is now 20 minutes.

The morning routine now involves getting into my Covid clothing, then lining up to receive my day’s ration of PPE (I ask for one regular mask and one N95).  PPE is dispensed from a locked office now, but the hospital keeps insisting that PPE is plentiful.  I have been reusing the same eye protection for weeks now.  I should clean it more often.  It seems only a matter of time before we run out of all PPE.  The guys in the locked office will need a shotgun lol.

I take sign-out.  There are approximately 20 Covid patients waiting for beds in my zone.  Three are intubated.  One of the intubated patients appears “unlikely”.  Two of the non-intubated patients look like they will go down during my shift.

I talk to the new patients.  The non-Covid patients all have nada.  One guy has 20 chief complaints and needs an appointment.  Second guy has 5 complaints but is basically here for detox.  Admitting a patient to detox feels like a death sentence to me.  All hospital and nursing home patients are sitting ducks.  The guy doesn’t want to stay.  He wants to try some benzos as an outpatient.  The resident has never done this before and he was surprised when I give the guy a script for a bunch of libriums.

I check to see if any of my sick Covids from the last shift died.  I go 4 for 4.  All patients are still alive.  Yay!

I get called to see a Covid patient that was just discharged from the ED a few minutes ago.  He didn’t make it out.  We get him back into a room, put him on oxygen, and admit him.

A Critical Care consult comes by.  There are no ICU beds (no surprise there).  They accepted one of the intubated patients to the MICU.  The others will go to a new floor designated for Covid patients.  We’re not sure who’s running that floor - Medicine, Surgery, or Anesthesia.  I overhear the Critical Care doctor battling it out with the ICU head nurse over one of the patients.  Nothing changes at this hospital.

I check the xray of one of the sicker Covid patients.  She was signed out as cancer + right pleural effusion.  The xray is horrendous; both lungs are filled with disease.  The pleural effusion is the least of her problems.  I decide not to stick a needle into her chest.

I didn’t go to the morning briefing; there are too many patients.  There may be four vents left in the hospital.  One thing about Covid - patients die, so vents and ICU beds open up.  I am surprised by the number of deaths.  I check my work email.  There’s an email that warns us that intubation meds and equipment are running out.

All day long, codes are called upstairs.  I wonder how many of those codes are my patients.

One of the patients I am worried about looks like she is going to go down.  We re-position her and crank up the oxygen.  She doesn’t go down.

A sick patient comes in.  A normal person with a mental status.  Dying from Covid.  We go to intubate him.  Damn, there’s no suction in this room.  A resident contacts his family and his son tells us to make him DNR / DNI.  I call the son back to confirm this.  The patient has advanced kidney cancer and he wants to go peacefully.  The patient is going to die, and soon.  The son is coming to the hospital.  I hope he makes it in time.  We make the patient as comfortable as possible - oxygen, a little fluid, morphine.

I remove my PPE and sit down at the computer.  An ID attending comes by and chats.  I don’t recognize her at first through her top-to-bottom PPE.  She mentions that I should wear a mask at all times.  She’s right, but I laugh because I took off my mask about 10 seconds ago.  Honestly, I don’t think it makes any difference in the ED.  Covid is everywhere.  I am relatively certain that Covid is recirculated via the ventilation system.

More Covid patients come in.  They’re all hypoxic, but none of them will die during my shift, I think.

I go check on the sick guy.  He’s starting to brady.  It won’t be long.  I set my alarm to check on him every 20 minutes.  I don’t want to find my patient in rigor mortis, a common occurrence in the ED nowadays.

More patients come in.  None of them have respiratory symptoms, but I suspect Covid in most of the them.  The nursing home guy who was found on the floor?  Covid.  The old guy with abdominal pain (whose wife died last night)?  Covid.

Someone sends the ED lunch.  That’s so nice of the restaurant.  I send the residents to chow down, then I go.  Nicole, the senior resident, usually doesn’t eat (much) during a shift, but even she goes to eat.  During the Age of Covid, you have to get in as many calories and as much fluid as possible.  I go home thirsty and dry after every shift and wonder if I have Covid.

The nurse says the sick guy is dead.  We go in to pronounce him.  Fuck.  His son doesn’t make it in time.

There is a woman with pleuritic chest pain.  The residents and I talk about a non-Covid issue for once during our shift.  I hate d-dimers.

The son arrives.  The hospital policy is no-visitors.  We let him to see his dead father after we put PPE on him.

All of the “atypical” Covid patients have Covid on their chest xrays.  They are all admitted to beds that we don’t have.  There’s no such thing as atypical Covid anymore.  Everyone in the ED has Covid.  The ED is out of space, so the Covid patients are grouped into shared spaces.  Every once in a while, a Covid patient gets up and walks around the ED.  We don’t have the manpower to watch them, but at least they’re wearing a mask, and none of them are coughing.

More Covid patients come in.   I’m thinking about sending home the guy whose wife died last night, but he’s a little hypoxic and he bumps his creatinine big time.  I admit him.  I wonder if I should send the nursing home Covid back to the nursing home.  Will I kill off the entire nursing home, or have they all been infected already?  If he isn’t a demented nursing home patient, he should be discharged.

During a brief lull, the triage nurse calls us over for a “note” (arrival of a sick patient).  I go over, but there’s no patient there.  EMS is bringing him in, he says.  We go outside.  I see a patient being bagged.  I run back in the ED and assemble the resuscitation equipment.  When the patient gets inside, I can’t help but notice that the patient is dead.  We intubate the patient, put in an IV, and give Epi.  The colorimeter doesn’t change colors even though the tube is in the right place (a very poor prognostic sign).  “Aren’t you going to do CPR?” asks the EMS crew.  “The patient is dead”, I answer.  In all practicality, CPR has stopped in my hospital.  The next day, a new EMS directive is ordered - do not bring cardiac arrest patients to the hospital.

When we intubate the patient, there are tons of secretions in the airway.  That’s one of the weird things about Covid - patients have all this crap in their lungs, but very few of them cough.  The other weird thing about Covid is the spectrum of disease.  Why is one person totally fine and the guy next to him dead?  I work in an area with a diverse population and the deaths have hit all races, ages, incomes, and vulnerabilities.  We pronounced a 25-year-old guy the night before.

A Surgical Attending comes by with a friendly greeting.  I love her; she is always so pleasant.  She’s too good for our hospital.  She tells me that “the nurse” is on ECMO.  I know already - I have been following her upstairs after taking care of her last week.  She is a lovely patient.  Her chances are dismal.

A patient who comes in for detox refuses to leave.  Wtf?!?  He is oblivious to the chaos around him.  Do I have to call the Police to throw him out?  We decide to turf him to Psych.  We need the space.  No patients can hang out in the ED anymore.  Only quickly-dying patients get admitted.

The day winds down.  The last few minutes of every shift is tense because you’re just waiting for one of your patients to go down.  None of my Covid patients die just yet.  Two of the intubated patients went upstairs.

After sign-out, I take off my Covid clothes.  The used masks go into a baggie.  They will be reused should the day come when we run out of fresh masks.  I drive home with my residents, saving them a long subway ride.  They are appreciative.  I love my residents (well most of them).  I go to Chipotle for take-out, one of the few restaurants still open in the neighborhood.  There’s no line, of course.  I get home, shower, and disinfect my ID, my glasses, etc. as well as I could.  I watch Big Bang Theory and I eat, hoping that this is not the day I go down with the virus myself.  If it happens, it happens.

[stoopsbookstore]

The Fan (Chapter 9)

Warnings - Death, Hospital scene, fight in stairwell, light smut

Sad news today from the disgraced girl group Bloom who recently disbanded two days ago.

Hongjoong and Y/N were curled up on the couch, watching the TV, the news playing a somber music over a shot of Sanghee performing, the dates 1998 to 2019 on the screen.

Lee Sanghee was found dead in the bathroom at the dive bar ‘Utopia,” police have suspected a drug overdose is to blame and they are looking into how she got the drugs. When asked for any comments, Sanghee had this to say.

“Sanghee was a bright star who just went down a wrong path, even before the disbandment. It’s possible she relapsed, we thought she had been clean, but until we see the toxicity report, we ask for privacy.”

Until we see the toxicity report? I’m sorry, who does this woman think she is?

Calm down, Yunha. I will agree with her, after all of the stress, she probably just need to take some time to herself, but partied a little bit too hard. Those at KoreabooTV ask for the privacy of the former Bloom members and Sanghee’s family. We send our good wishes to everyone struggling tonight and hope you have a good night.

“How do you feel, princess?” Hongjoong rubbed Y/N’s shoulder, Y/N shrugging at the news.

“If this happened a week ago, I’d be sad, even crying maybe. But that dumb bitch deserved it.”

“Damn, where is this sassy lady coming from?” Hongjoong nuzzled into Y/N’s neck, a giggle coming out of her lips as they laid down, his hips rolling into her as her lips left a mark on his shoulder.

“She attacked me, why the hell should I care?”

“You knew her for 3 years, Y/N.”

Chinsun’s voice made the couple stop their foreplay, Hongjoong standing up to get off of Y/N, helping her up to talk to her former groupmate.

“And she jumped me, she blamed me for everything. I bet you if she was still here, she would somehow blame me for her snorting coke,” Y/N pointed out, Chinsun’s eyebrows furrowing together.

“I didn’t like her either, but can we at least act like she was our friend at the funeral this weekend? Just a few hours, maybe some tears here and there.”

“You girls are being vicious,” Hongjoong lightly joked, Chinsun’s face now one of disgust.

“Fine. I have to go talk to Jieun over where we’re going next, so I’ll talk to you guys later,” Y/N kissed Hongjoong’s cheek and gave Chinsun a hug before going upstairs to talk to their manager.

“Hi Chins-”

“I don’t trust you.”

Hongjoong felt insulted, his hand going to his heart, “Trust me? You’ve been living in my hous-”

“I saw you follow Sanghee to that bar. Or was it just a coincident? Or were you also fucking her behind Y/N’s back?”

“That’s a lot of assumption, don’t you think?”

“Then where were you last night?”

“I was balls deep in Y/N, fucking her up the ass. Do you want more details? The toys we used, what sort of condom, how many we needed? It’s a fun story, you know, she moans so beautifully and she loves using ‘Master.’”

Chinsun narrowed her eyes, Hongjoong’s sinister smile eating away at her confidence.

“Now if you excuse me, my friend’s in the hospital, I should go see him.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Walking into the hospital, Hongjoong met Seonghwa and Wooyoung at the front desk. Showing their IDs, they asked for San’s room.

“Room 1024, just down the hall, last door on your right.”

The trio bowed, walking past countless sick and injured people, some crying, others were laughing. A group of nurses and doctors ran by them when one of the patients had flatlined.

Entering San’s room, he had a mask on, his throat with a tube hanging out of it. He was conscious, smiling and waving at Jongho and Seonghwa, freezing when he saw the twisted smile of Hongjoong. San’s eyes grew in size, unable to point at the older boy due to his hands being pierced with IVs. Seonghwa saw the weird interaction, questioning it until Jongho gifted San with a thin box.

“We know you can’t have phones in here, but I figured a sketchbook would be nice,” San unwrapped the gift, a box of colored pencils and a clean sketchbook, the injured boy mouthing thank you to the trio, his eyes still wary of Hongjoong.

Hongjoong wanted out of the situation, he pretended a phone call was ringing him, “I should step out. Feel better, San.

Walking into the staircase, Hongjoong started to type a letter on his phone.

It’s a sad day for us Petals.

Bloom has disbanded, Sanghee was found dead, one of Y/N’s fansit-

“You!”

Seonghwa had slammed Hongjoong up against the wall, his head hitting the plaster as Seonghwa picked him up by his shirt collar.

“You’re fucking Milton?!”

“For being the stupidest members,” Hongjoong chuckled, sarcastically clapping, “You and San were the first to find out. Applause to you two, I’m really impressed.”

Seonghwa pulled back, slamming Hongjoong again, “What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

“What makes you think there’s something wrong with me? Maybe there’s something wrong with you.”

Seonghwa let Hongjoong down, his expressions one of disbelief, “He’s our friend, Hongjoong! You’ve known him for years, since we were all children!”

“So?! What’s your point?! He would make such sexual jokes towards Y/N, knowing she belonged to me,” Hongjoong’s voice grew in anger, “He would always try to upskirt her, he would always brag if he got a suggestive photo and you want to tell me I’m the one in the wrong?”

“He’s in the hospital, tubes and IVs coming out of him from every hole, kicking on death’s door and you have the nerve to make it about you?” Seonghwa started to walk away, taking his phone out to dial the cops, “You’re disgusting, you’re vile, and you’re going to be arrested.”

Not a fan of what kind of words were being spoken, Hongjoong smacked the device out of Seonghwa, taking the moment of Seonghwa’s stunned stillness to throw him down the staircase, Seonghwa being knocked out in the process at the landing. Hongjoong saw what he had just did in his fit of rage, runnning out of the stairwell and past Jongho. The youngest boy tried to stop him, but was just brushed aside.

“I’ll see you later!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is how I feel about you, Twilight.

Y/N’s phone rang with the lyrics of one of Bloom’s B-tracks, picking it up when she sees ‘Sunny Side up 🌞.’

“Hey, what’s up?”

Is Hongjoong there?

“No, he went to see San. Did you hear about what happened?”

Yea, I heard.

“You’re hiding something, I can hear it in your voice.”

Y/N please don’t hate me, but I think Hongjoong is Milton. I got a text from Seonghwa earlier saying that at the hospital, San was acting weird when Hongjoong came in and then he hasn’t texted me back.

“That’s fucking crazy. Have you been drinking, where are you?”

I can’t tell you that, remember. Until this is over, we can’t see each other, we can’t know what the other members are. Y/N, I’m saying this for your own safety.

“I think I’m safer with Hongjoong than I was with Sanghee.”

Y/N, please believe me. I have a bad feeling about Hongjoong, just promise me, you’ll be o-

The line cut out, the call dropping with Chinsun’s scream.

“Chinsun? Hello?”

[andymull]

WWE Wrestlemania 36 - Preview & Predictions

Heeeeeyyyyy heeeeeeeyyyyyy its Wrestlemania....fighting to survive....

............. Coronavirus, social distancing, injuries, sickness, poor booking, late booking changes, trying to get people to pay $60 on PPV instead of free on the Network, etc etc etc

Brock Lesnar (c) vs Drew McIntyre: WWE Championship Match

I really really feel for Drew here, probably the most out of anyone on the show with the lack of an audience as well as the lack of crowds being able to watch in Scotland in bars at the Hooked On Wrestling events, as they would have been SUPERB for both atmosphere and something they would show constantly on tv after the win.

But no, sadly instead of holding this off till later in the year we still have to proceed and deal with it, gutted.

I feel this match could go 25 minutes long and be one of Brock’s longest matches for awhile, in them asking Brock to make Drew look THE STAR in beating him and beating him well. Plus, they cant have both this AND the Goldberg match go less than 5 minutes.....can they?

Wish they would have gone OTT with this and had it filmed at Lesnar’s ranch and be falls count anywhere, Drew turns up saying nothing will stop him from winning the title so he’s there to claim his prize on Brock’s turf. Then gone made fighting around the farm, oh well there’s other matches on this show that will seemingly be booked to shit.

Drew wins, they need to make sure he then moves into feuds with big names and wins clean each time to really invest it all into Drew and see what happens - MCINTYRE

Goldberg (c) vs Braun Strowman: WWE Universal Championship Match

What is there to be said here, Roman had to drop out because they stupidly had him around sick people with his health past, they decide to replace him with Braun who last month lost his title to Sami Zayn, not to mention they didnt even announce it till Smackdown last night without even mentioning Reigns by name after having HHH announce earlier in the week it would be done in an interesting way.............

This should go short with ideally Braun going over, have Bill take the lead hitting all his offense, big spear then as he goes to lift him for the Jackhammer he cant lift him and Strowman bursts out of it hits his finish and pins him clean while in monster mode.

Braun starts the big push from nowhere while at the same time this leaves it open for Goldberg to potentially come back for a rematch, as he didnt have anytime to prepare for Strowman and his game-plan for the bout. Not that I want Bill always around the title scene when he turns up but if they can get Braun going over him clean twice it really helps out a current full time guy under contract WHAT A CLEVER IDEA THAT WOULD BE!!! lol - STROWMAN

The Undertaker vs AJ Styles

I really have no desire to see Taker in a big singles match at Wrestlemania or any other big show ever again, let alone it being in a match with AJ who could have an awesome match with most others on the card. This match should really have turned into the OC vs Taker/Aleister Black if they HAD to go with these guys together, the rub that would have given Black would have been MASSIVE!! Imagine the innovative entrance they could have come up with for both guys together, truly letting Taker pass his aura across to someone new....just goosebumps thinking of how they would look....but nope.

Instead we end up with a feud built around shoot promos about Takers wife doing AJ’s Styles Clash finisher.....

The worst part is that I see Taker going over, not sure if it was confirmed but it was mentioned he’d have 2 others with him who most likely will turn the tide of the match, dont get your hopes up for Black here instead, im guessing its Kane and Big Show....seriously....please be wrong - UNDERTAKER

John Cena vs The Fiend Bray Wyatt

I really wish if they are going to bring back guys who haven't been on the road full time then PLEASE bring them back with a solid storyline that makes sense and that’s been built up for awhile to make sense.....not this. Truthfully they need to build these matches with the sole purpose of having the other guys who could/should have been the spot to be able to turn around and say, ‘you know what, this makes alot of sense and will be great so I cant hold it against them and moan’. Honestly that’s all it needs.

And secondly they really are lucky there wont be a live audience there for the match, the cheers the Fiend would have received over Cena would have drove them wild in editing after trying to build Bray as the crazy heel.

After dropping the title Bray NEEDS the big win here to keep his aura something they can use well, the more they have him lose the quicker that appeal will drop, and for me with Wyatt that doesn't mean he can take loses as long as he isnt pinned like others can ANY loss hurts someone who can teleport (?!?!) - WYATT

Edge vs Randy Orton: Last Man Standing

Edge is the guy in second place behind Drew for me feeling gutted there wont be an audience around for this, imagine coming back after years away and the thought you could never wrestle again through fear of dying then finding you CAN wrestle again.........only to be risking it all in an empty building.....FUCKS SAKE!

This should be great and given the time to have the emotional side of it pour out strong, we should be getting Edge taking a beating to the point that Beth will come out to support him then have her feelings develop to the point she will want him to stay down and stop the pain. Yeah this will be great - EDGE

Becky Lynch (c) vs Shayna Baszler: Raw Women’s Championship Match

I dont think the result should be in question here, Shayna HAS to win and go on a dominant run with the belt, ideally booking Becky to come back in contention for SummerSlam to rematch.......sadly everything's in the air with the world.

For me, and remember those words, Becky’s reign has been abit of a meh fest in-ring, apart from the Sasha bouts, and the extra focus on her has highlighted her ring work which really isnt the strongest part of her game (Not saying she’s terrible at all, but could she please drop the awkward leg drop from the ropes lol). At the same time alot of that is down to how she’s booked as management seem to go on a few months run of wanting the women to be the main focus, then quickly changing their mind and dropping it back massively. Also, the lack of depth with the women’s division's is a problem with them being split over the shows, same with the men to a degree and is the reason we see feuds get dragged and dragged for months, with less women it means we hardly get anything that feels fresh which needs to be key - BASZLER

Lacey Evans vs Sasha Banks vs Bayley (c) vs Tamina vs Naomi - Smackdown Women’s Championship Fatal 5 Way Match

What a mess this is, I have no desire to see Banks/Bayley again for at least another 5 years...........but id much prefer that to having Tamina suddenly dragged on tv and put into the title picture. I get that the roster like her and she’s probably a really nice person to be around and supports the other women massively when needed, but for a viewer she brings NOTHING and hasn't for YEARS, all she’s doing is taking up a roster spot that someone way more deserving could be in from NXT for example. And yes, ive seen the random accounts on Twitter hoping she wins the title............jeez

Wouldn't have a problem with any of the other women taking the win here, sucks that Dana had to pull out as she has really shown improvements the past few months and deserved her place here easily - BANKS 

Rhea Ripley (c) vs Charlotte: NXT Women’s Championship Match

So we definitely are back to saying ‘women’s’ champion again are we? They dropped it the other month but seem to have quickly gone back to it.

Big match for NXT here getting a Mania slot, I really hope that Charlotte doesn't get the win and belt but her winning opens up more fresh options for the future on the women’s division on the show. As long as Charlotte doesn't keep doing her thing of wearing massive heels in-ring to show how much bigger she is to everyone else, for some random reason it annoys me and doesn't need to even be done.

I feel if Charlotte does win the title they will very quickly move another NXT star over to Raw/Smackdown to replace her or hype a new debut upto the draft which MAY be soon - CHARLOTTE

Kevin Owens vs Seth Rollins

The problem with having so many matches at Wrestlemania is that one like this goes so far under the radar its criminal, both guys are great and can pull out something special for the big show....not sure they get the time they will want even with a two night show. This feud will most likely continue so dont worry about who goes over - ROLLINS

Sami Zayn (c) vs Daniel Bryan: Intercontinental Championship Match

Exactly the same as the match before and even more so, a quality match that probably wont get the most time but will be a really fun ride to be on - ZAYN

Jimmy Uso vs John Morrison vs Kofi Kingston: Smackdown Tag Team Title Ladder Match

Yeah dont ask, they had to remove the Miz as he had Coronavirus symptoms but still wanted to do the ladder stipulation...

Honestly the tag division has to be up there for the most stale division in the company, similar to what I said about the women having the Uso’s and The New Day in a match in any combination is just soooooo over done.

Last month I predicted Morrison and Miz to retain and drop the titles tonight but now I hope they keep them, then drop them to Heavy Machinery as soon as they can - MORRISON

The Street Profits (c) vs Austin Theory & Angel Garza: Raw Tag Team Championship Match

Love the SP’s but this really isnt needed in the slightest, I guess the next few matches will be exactly the same. - STREET PROFITS 

Elias vs The Baron King

Exactly - Elias

Aleister Black vs Bobby Lashley

Please have Black go over quick - BLACK

Otis vs Dolph Ziggler

At last a match that deserves its spot on the card, a long term story that’s been developed well and is building to more with the stakes changed down the road. Easily an Otis win with Mandy ending up in his arms for the big smooch - OTIS

The Kabuki Warriors (c) vs Alexa Bliss & Nikki Cross: WWE Women’s Tag Team Championship Match

Lets throw the titles we’ve forgotten about on the show too!! Feel for all the women that have been around the title scene here since the belts came into existence, so much promise over multiple brands that went NOWHERE! - CROSS/BLISS

Kick Off Matches

Drew Gulak vs Cesaro

I think Gulak sneaks the win out with his TECHNIQUE!!! - GULAK

Natalya vs Liv Morgan

I hope Liv picks up the win and they give her more tv time and focus, Nattie winning doesnt really do much for anyone apart from her - MORGAN 

2 nights, lots of matches, lots of things not needed get ready to be mildly hyped!!!

Enjoy

Bye for now

Andy

[lenjaminmacbuttons]

Hope you’re doing okay, I know there’s been a lot going on the past couple weeks. 🌈🌈💛💛

FOOF YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN

thank you for the good vibes anon, i love you and it means a lot to me. however unfortunately now im gonna use this to vent dump exactly how much has been going on the past couple weeks off the top of my head. this is actually pretty far from Everything thats happen but im so tired and dont want to think about any of it anymore

my grandma passed away last week. we were prepared for it and we know she’s at peace in a better place et cetera et cetera, her body was all full of restraints & impediments that she doesnt have to deal with anymore and the next time she’s in a body it’ll be all New And Improved and awesome. i missed so much work in anticipation of this that now i can’t get work off on the day of the funeral, so i can still go to it but i’ll have to go immediately to work right from it and have to pretend everythings fine and dandy and nothings going on.

everyone at work Does know there’s something going on however and the two coworkers i have who are actually like i consider them friends mostly they’re all like Hey Im Here For You Talk About Your Feelings Honestly with me and i. dont. want. to talk about my feelings at work. thats not what work is for and i dont like talking about my feelings anyway and i dont want them to ask anymore

the changes to the handbook and the honor code have completely sunk my heart. i had so much hope up until those hideous ridiculous unfathomably transphobic things they wrote and now i don’t feel like i can trust or have hope in ANYTHING the institution does anymore. ive been up all night going back and forth over whether i want to go to church today. or ever again. it’s not bringing me joy. it’s making me feel anxious and depressed and frustrated and alone. i keep seeing people just on the street or on facebook who are so happy and content with the church and whatever it does and i just…i get struck every single time with this thought of “they don’t care about me. they don’t care about any of these problems. they’re not affected personally by it and so they don’t care.”

and then that makes me feel like such a hypocrite because!!! ive been them too for so long!! what makes this moment so different!!!!! why is this the straw that breaks the camel’s back when the camel should have thrown off the whole burden and run to join its friends at the first strike of the owner’s whip!!!!!!

plus it’s making me feel gross about my mormon memes blogs. idk if i can keep running those anymore.

im failing this semester anyway and i keep getting emails about it. i was planning to take a break from school After this semester but ive missed so much class that i just really can’t go back to any of them so i guess im just dropping out right now. as much as i’d love to participate in all the incredible amazing protests going on right now i really really cant be on campus at all without feeling literally physically ill. and my Hope was to do really well this last semester and then submit mission papers and that way i’d know exactly what next to do with my life until i decide what After, and id be able to Get Out somewhere and travel someplace while still feeling like my life has some semblance of structure and direction. however! HOWEVER!!!!!!!!

i’ve been feeling so, so horrible and so worn down and i dont even know where or what my testimony is anymore. but that’s probably a lot lower on the list of Why I Can’t Serve A Mission, because a. i still don’t trust my Local Bishop enough to talk to him about things The Handbook says to b. i am finding it harder and harder and harder to be perceived as female. i never really have dysphoria about my body or my presentation or anything but like, when people say Sister and Ma’am and Miss and Daughter and Hey Pretty Lady It’s Me Your Relief Society President it’s like…that’s not me. that feels gross. and i wear suits and ties to church, have done so for a while and never get any flak for it, and im gradually working up the nerve to maybe start introducing myself as lev or levi instead of lillie buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut. socially transitioning apparently is not allowed.

not to mention my temple recommend expired ages ago anyway. anxiety about bishops prevented me from ever going in for an interview to renew it. i haven’t visited the temple once since before graduating high school. but every time i see it or think about it i long for it so badly and it hurts so much.

and also like, i get that same kinda horrible regretful longing feeling whenever i hear violin music? because i played violin for a few years and then stopped but i still have the instrument because it was given to me by my grandmother. who played it herself until sickness wouldn’t let her anymore and she entrusted it to me and i Stopped Playing but then i hoped to pick it up enough to at least learn how to play her favorite song and aw wouldn’t that be so nice to play that for her on her violin except i never actually got around to printing out the sheet music or practicing At All. and now she’s gone.

and one of the last things she said to me was that she would love to hear my book since her eyesight was too gone to read it so i said i’d record it as soon as i got the right software/hardware to do that and then i never did that either. also i promised alla yalls that book would be Published Published coming up on four months ago now and i still haven’t done that

i took a pair of safety scissors to my forearms as mentioned in a previous post and surprise surprise, the lines have not healed still, it’s getting warmer outside and thus harder to wear long sleeves, and guess what! a while ago on a separate occasion i complained that i kinda wished my self harm scars looked more like the classic cutter lines and Now They Do!! And I Hate It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and a couple nights ago my little sister saw them and so i told her i got attacked by a spider-pawed bear and fortunately my brother Understands and backed me up like “dang what do they teach in schools these days i cant believe youve never heard of the spider-pawed bears that live in the mountains and are totally normal and real”

and steven universe is ending. that’s a thing.

and like….okay. not everything in my emotions right now is bad. some of it is just complicated. one coworker friend i have recently confessed that she’s had a crush on me for several months now. fortunately when she said this i was able to be honest and say that im not super eager for a relationship right now, im not ready in the slightest to settle down or anything, im still hung up on my high school crush and also dealing with issues from my last relationship, and she replied that’s all perfectly fine and she doesn’t have any expectations and she’s great being friends and we can take things at whatever pace is good

except i also now have a date with said high school crush loosely planned for tomorrow and i told this coworker friend about it and she admitted it’s making her a little jealous and then she said jealous is an ugly word and amended it to Insecure and i feel bad about that

but i also like. am really excited for this date. like it’s not really a for sure romantic capital-d Date and that’s fine, but i haven’t seen this friend irl for so long and ive been missing her so much over this past little while that we’ve been internet chatting and that ive been i guess officially falling back in love with her but i also like, i dont know what her deal is romantically right now i don’t want to presume anything but i really really really am itching to see her

work is stressful. it’s only gonna get more so as weather gets warmer. but we’re getting two new managers with loads of experience and glowing reviews next week. i have hope that they’ll makes things a little lighter.

and there’s also. good things. peridot took off her visor for the first time ever in canon and i saved like 50 different gifs of it to my computer cus it rocked my world. sonic has she-ra toys for the kids meals and i managed to snag a tiny inflatable version of the sword. i’m making cosplays of the tres horny boys from the adventure zone and they’re all very exciting and making things makes me very very happy. i’m finding joy in all the fanfictions i’m writing right now and in talking about dungeons & dragons with my brothers and friends. ducknerva is a very beautiful Good Ending version of marahope which makes me happy and taako is a super effective projection outlet. i bought cupcakes today and they were delicious. and when i think about those good things, when i think about any good thing no matter how small, everything else disappears.

whatever happens happens i guess.

she who lives will see.

[bedbellyandbeyond]

Sickness

(Story Post)

A morning came one day where Nathan just couldn’t get out of bed. He called his doctor hoping he’d come for a house call and thankfully Reid had a little bit of time. When he arrived at Nathan’s home, he let himself in with the key Nathan had told him was under his flower pot. He headed upstairs to find his favourite wolf-man curled up in a cocoon again. “Oh dear, what’s the matter today?” Reid asked. “You can’t get out of bed?” Nathan rolled over to face him and frowned. “They’re moving…”

Reid blinked, his eyes lighting up. “Really? Well, that’s a very good sign, Nathan.” “I hate it… They’re making me nauseous,” Nathan said. “I don’t know what to do… I think I’ll puke if I get up…” Reid sighed sympathetically. “Unfortunately, getting up is the most common cure. When you lie down, babies love to go nuts in there, but when you stand, they typically calm down.” “If I stand, I’ll puke.” “You probably won’t but I can get you a trash can or something,” Reid said. “Is there one in your bathroom?” “Should be…” Reid went and got the bin and brought it back. “Take this and get yourself up. Come on.” Nathan wrapped the blankets around himself and tucked it so it wouldn’t come off then took the trash can in one hand and let Reid pull him up with his other hand. When he was upright, he did still feel queasy, but the twins settled down after a few seconds alongside the nausea. “I’m not gonna puke,” Nathan said. “Aye. So is that all I drove out here for?” Reid asked. “Well… No…” Nathan said, looking down. “There’s something else…” “And what’s that, laddie?” Reid asked, patting Nathan’s arm. “I… Um, it’s really embarrassing…” Nathan said. “I guess, it’s uh… Ah, fuck it…” He undid the blanket, displaying the two big wet marks in his pyjama shirt. Reid put his hands on his hips. “Well, well. Your milks come in.” “But why?” Nathan asked. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you’re pregnant.” “But I don’t have tits!” Nathan said. “You don’t need prominent breasts to start lactating, just the right plumbing which everyone has—unless removed—and the right hormone cocktail,” Reid explained. “This was to be expected.” “Then why didn’t you tell me this would happen?” “I forgot but also I expected you to consider it before,” Reid said. “But it’s nothing to fret about. Let me take a look.” Nathan sighed and took off his shirt. He looked away as the doctor examined his chest. “They’ve definitely swollen up,” Reid said. “Are they tender?” “Yeah, really sensitive…” Nathan pouted. “Shirts feel uncomfortable rubbing against them. And I don’t know what to do with all the…all the leakage.” “Say no more. You want nursing pads,” Reid said. “There’s different kinds, but overnight ones and braless ones will likely be best.” Nathan rubbed his eye. “I’ve been to baby stores too much now… I really don’t want to go out like this.” “Laddie. Order them online,” Reid said. “It’s early morning. You could potentially have it all delivered by the end of the day. Also, get yourself a big sports bra. That’ll help a lot.” “A bra? I can’t wear a bra!” Nathan complained. “Yes you can. I believe in you. You’re not the only man who’s ever had to wear a bra. I can guarantee that.” “Oh god, how am I supposed to do all this? It’s so embarrassing and I have to do it alone,” Nathan groaned. Reid rubbed his back. “Tell me what’s on your mind. What’s troubling you most about this?” Nathan sighed deeply and sat down. “I just… Everything I expected when it came to me having kids is thrown out the window…” “What were you expecting?” Reid sat down beside him. “Well, first I thought I’d be adopting… And I thought I’d have job security. And I thought I’d be…well, married. At least, I’d have a partner helping me… Signing the papers with me. Decorating the nursery with me. Picking out clothes. But I’ve done everything alone. And I’m pregnant.” Reid rubbed his chin. “Well, have you thought about dating?” Nathan frowned. “Dating? Seriously? Like this?” He motioned to his torso. “You’d be surprised by the people who could be into that,” Reid insisted. Nathan crinkled his nose. “I don’t want to be someone’s fetish. I want someone who wants the normal me. The not fat and leaking me.” He looked down. “God, if I hadn’t…become what I am now… I’d still be with Hugh. I’d still work at my old school. We were even starting to talk about kids… I ruined everything.” “Well, I’m sorry, but I’ve heard your transformation story many times and it has always sounded like it was Hugh’s fault you were bit in the first place,” Reid said. “He took you off the path. He found the wolf cub. He chose to leave you when you needed him most.” “I tore his leg off!” Nathan growled. “I’d leave any man who tore my leg off too!” “He wouldn’t have had his leg torn off if he didn’t get you bit,” Reid stated. “You understand?” Nathan crossed his arms. “Are you pinning this on Hugh to try and make me feel better? Because it’s not working.” He gagged a little as he felt a movement in his stomach again so he stood up. “God, I want this to end…” “It’ll be over soon,” Reid said. “Rest for today.” “I can't…” Nathan rubbed his eyes. “I’ve missed work way too much… The principal acts nice about it, but I can tell she wants to kill me.” “She doesn’t want to kill you. But you need the rest. I might even say we should start you on bed rest but you’re determined to work.” “I don’t know if you noticed, but children are expensive,” Nathan said. “I can barely afford my own living situation right now. I need to work.” Reid sighed. “After the next wolf cycle, I’m putting you on bed rest. You need it and the twins need it. I can tell just by looking at you, you’re beyond exhausted.” “…Fine. That gives me three weeks,” Nathan huffed. “But that’s still so soon…” “Just keep thinking about how you’ll get to meet your little angels.” Reid placed a hand on the side of Nathan’s stomach. “I think you’ll find it’s all worth it.” Nathan exhaled deeply for a couple seconds then placed his hands on his stomach. In this sitting position, the twins had started acting up again and he could feel them moving. His stomach turned as he felt it, but he just thought about how it was his children and that every little move meant they were alive. While he still felt a little sick from the movement, it warmed his heart a little bit knowing they were safe. “…Doc.” Reid perked up. “Aye?” “I should tell my parents, right?” Reid blinked stared at Nathan. “You haven’t told your parents yet that they’re going to be grandparents?” Nathan shook his head. “…I haven’t talked to them since… Well, since my grandma’s funeral.” “Ah. Fuzzy connection?” Nathan nodded. “Very fuzzy… I came out when I was fifteen and they sent me away to live with my grandma. They thought her ‘traditional ways’ would ‘fix’ me. That backfired pretty quick. My nana was nothing but loving.” He rubbed his belly. “I wish she was here to meet her great grandkids… But I guess, that’s not common anyway…” “Mm… Aye, I wish you coulda been so lucky,” Reid sympathised. “And it’s up to you whether you believe your parents should know and be a part of this journey with you. The last thing you need though is more stress.” “Right…” Nathan sighed and stood back up to relieve the movement. “Can you let Principal Liu know I won’t be coming in today?” “I’ll do that.” Reid checked his watch. “I got to go though. I have an appointment with another patient.” “Alright, go ahead… I’m good I guess,” Nathan decided. “Thanks for coming all the way out here, doc. I guess my issue was pretty dumb…” Reid shook his head. “No, it’s better to be safe than sorry. Do you have any friends or family who can come around and check up on you?” “Um… The only person I can think of would maybe be Nari… But he’d be working, so…” “It might be worth talking to him because it’s always better to have people around if not just for emotional support.” “I guess… But Nari's… Nari can be a little…” “Stubborn and abrasive?” Reid asked. “Yeah, he’s like that. But he means well and I’m sure if he’s paid any attention to you, it means he likes you.” “I mean, I guess… He made us official friends the other day when we, uh…” Nathan scratched the back of his head. “Well, he came over to help with my laundry. Started calling me by my first name.” “Well, then you’re best buds it seems,” Reid chuckled. “Good, it’s important he makes friends too… He avoids it. You know you’re true friends when he carries you over.” “Over what?” Nathan asked. “Over lives. You must’ve heard him talk about his lives,” Reid explained. “Nari creates a new persona every couple decades to avoid people catching on to his immortality. Each new persona is usually accompanied with a big move. His first new persona moved to the UK. Then when she was done, Nari was created and he moved to Canada. What I’d like to see is either an extension in one of his personas, or at least the effort to bring over some people in his life and not just cut everyone off.” “Oh. That seems…” Nathan rubbed his chin. “Dramatic maybe?” “Yes, but you can understand. I only hope to be brought over too… I feel like he should at least consider what APID has to offer him or whoever he’ll be in the long term.” Reid checked his watch again and clenched his teeth. “Christ, I really gotta go, Nathan. But I’ll call in the afternoon, make sure you’re well.” Nathan nodded and pulled a robe on. “…Nursing pads, right?” “Aye. I’ll send you a link to some good ones from the web.” Reid went out to the stairs. “Okay… Bye then.” “Eat something. Bye now.”