#at least i can do it with the attitude thay i already put in my 2w notice so this is adios

[basketcase1982]

working black friday & saturday so i’m just mentally preparing to have 2 horrible days in a row please pray for my life

[destroy-some-evil]

So... I'm watching Until We Meet Again while waiting for more episodes of The Sign (because I need more reincarnated soulmates please and thank you).

And I can tell the narrative says this:

But my theory presupposes that maybe:

Look I get it - the narrative really wants us to buy that Korn is the "strong silent" type and Dean, as his reincarnation, is similar in attitude but a way better Dom because he learned from his past life and became better at caring for his loved ones. Meanwhile, Intouch was the "adorable cinnamon bun" in the past who couldn't cook and occasionally pushed Korn's boundaries, and now as Pharm, who can cook (character development!), is basically the perfect sub to Dean's Dom (yes, I read @lutawolf's post about the soft D/s moments in the series and clicked subscribe -what off it). I get that's the story they are showing. Also, I like the story it's been fun to watch and I'm looking forward to the last two episodes.

But - but what if

Korn who basically was forced to be the strong silent type because he was the eldest and not allowed to be soft with how his dad raised him. He just wanted read literature volume 4 or what ever but circumstances and society expected different of him. I don't know there is something sweet to think that in his next life he gets to be that soft boy who likes cooking. Who still takes care of those around but he doesn't have to force himself to be the visibly strong one all the time. Both Korn and Pharm were both the ones who were initially afraid of what it meant to love this person in front of them.

Meanwhile, Intouch, who just wanted to care for Korn, makes that the core of who he is in his next life. He's not as carefree as he once was, but he still loves to be in the water. (All In's suggestions for vacations related to water. The beach vacation they took and the raft one they never got to do.) He still loves teasing his boyfriend and he still makes it his life goal to make him happy. Also, he can now at least follow directions for cooking but it's not something expected of him. And on a more serious note, he's more able to protect Pharm than Intouch was able to protect Korn. Korn probably would have never allowed Intouch to protect him because he had to be the one in charge; even if, maybe, he didn't want to be. Also, both Intouch and Dean are the ones who see their other half and go, "yes, that's him. He's the one I'm going be with for the rest of my life." No hesitation, just plans for how he's going put a ring on it. (I also have a headcannon that Dean was the one to suggest the red thread faculty tours. His fellow classmates tease that Dean's thread is already picked out for Pharm. And in the past Intouch is the one to tie the red thread on Korn.)

I also get that visually the show wanted to associate that Intouch and Pharm look similar and that Korn and Dean look similar because that makes it easy.

But you know what stupid romantic is this post about the Japanese legend that you have the face of the person you loved the most in your previous life (okay so the post applying that legend to Avatar the Last Airbender but it's still stupid romantic).

Apply that to these two and tell me it's not sweet and romantic to think that they get reborn into the same families they were originally in and that they are surrounded by people who loved them in both their lives and now those people have grown and learned to support them AND they have the face of the person who they loved most in their past life.

Yes, I'm late to the party (I only found found out about how to get easy access to Thai BLs in October 2023 - thank you @talistheintrovert) but I have thoughts. Also this was fun.

[itsblasttothepast]

To answer your question - I didn't really care about Maxiel when they were teammates and didn't start to care later, I think they are great friends (besties) who connected well due to their similiar sense of humor and all (and we know Max likes being around older people) - while the PR stuff was immature I'd say they had a good time but the pressure inside the team pushed Daniel out - it couldn't be easy to see that you are basically sidelined when a few months before you were put on the pedestal as the new 'golden boy' prospect. I think (and it's just my opinion), however bad this will sound, Max and Daniel had fun as teammates but Daniel wasn't what Max needed to mature as a driver, I think that happened thanks to Checo. Would he be able to do it on his own? Sure, he is a genius of driving and he would be a WDC anyway someday but I think Sergio quickened the process and in a way helped Max deal with the pressure of 2021. He was there to support Max and said it clearly from the begining so there was no additional stress of not being able to count on your teammate on track. Alex and Pierre were too eager to prove themselves (like kids starved for attention from their parents - in this case Helmut and Horner) and Daniel wanted to win and fight for the #1 spot in the team while it was already signed with Max's name. Of course Sergio wanted to win to, they all do, but not at all costs and not over Max - he signed with the team with a clear mission: to help get the WDC for Max and possibly win the WCC and he didn't plan to go behind anyones back, he just did what they asked. In short, while I think in everyday life Maxiel is probably one of the best friendships in F1, Chestappen is one of the best teammatewise. Daniel and Max in RBR were like kids on a playdate having fun until something happened and someone got hurt - there was more chaos than balance because their goofiness is just too similiar and with Sergio it's more like a stable eviroment to work in productively - enough fun to be entertaining and enough maturity to acctually get work done. I believe Sergio and his patient attitude even towards the most annoying situation helped Max calm down a little and that's what allowed them to work together so easily. I know a lot of people say it's all just PR and they hate each other or at least don't like one another but I think it's bs. For one, they are both terrible, just downright awful actors and there is no way thay could fake ever interaction like that (have the haters seen any of the commercials?). Second, you can see the shift in their relationship over the years from the, from lack of better word 'honeymoon' phase (and I do not mean it in shipping terms, just about how happy and touchy they were) and the Abu Dhabi 2021 hug to the awkwardness and almost no conntact after Brazil 2022, to Max clumsy attempts to restore the happy feelings in the begining of 2023 to the comfortable companionship they have now. Lastly, come on, Max keeps saying he wants to hang out with Sergio outside of the races (to play padel, to eat Mexican food, to play games, to just keep in touch after retirement) and Checo always agrees with him on that. They may not be the best friends in the whole universe but they are friends, even if only connected by work (but I doubt it, they both said they hate talking about racing outside of the race weeks and besides they wouldn't play FIFA together if F1 was their only topic). Oh, and not to mention that Max wouldn't be defending Sergio in front of the press if he didn't like him because 1) No one would be able to tell him what to do, look at all his interactions with the media 2) Helmut or Horner wouldn't ask him for that, they are the ones trying to fire Checo 3) Jos sure as hell wouldn't be encouraging Max to support his teammate Also a side note - it is possible (and even recommended) to have more than one friend, I feel like some fans don't understand this.

I kind of understand Daniel leaving RBR, if only for what I've seen in DTS (like you, never cared about Maxiel, or RBR back then, was only focused on seeing the Checo vs Esteban beef), the team focused on Max and it was hard.

I think you're spot on in your analysis, I often think Daniel and Max are like children playing, and Checo was like their father, not knowing what to do with all the chaos they caused. Also Pierre and Alex were given zero clarity in their role on the team, I feel they were blindsided by RBR and with Checo the knew the role he was playing.

And yes, thank you! I mean, I've seen Checo being forced to interact with people he doesn't like, and he can't fake it for his life. He gets all smiley in a way that's scary (like the movie), even when he was at odds with Max you could see his PR smile, but therapy worked and now I think they bonded and genuinely like each other, and maybe they're not besties, but they enjoy their time and they both hate PR stuff and media, they just want to race.

Also for some reason most F1 fans think the drivers can have only ONE bestie and friend, the others become enemies and must be destroyed.

Thank you for indulge me! I appreciate how much insight you give to my questions and give me light in a few things I'm discovering in these dark F1 fandom places.

[iwriteasfotini]

"What do you need, Moony?"

Remus POV, summer before fifth year Rating: Teen Unsure of WC

**I need to add an Author Note: our boys are still in the friends who lust after each other constantly stage in this scene, but again the Wolfstar is THERE.

...

So it was with new determination Sirius and James strategized how to ensure the potion would mature properly the following fall. They would cast a silencing charm onto the drawer, which would be reset twice a day when the room was absolutely silent. They would not engage with Severus, which only encouraged curses to be flung at them. They would be calm, collected, and zen. 

Sirius had already threatened to murder anyone who fucked it up. 

Remus didn’t think this attitude was helpful, least of all to Peter who didn’t do well with intimidation tactics. But was also only partially rooting for his friends to succeed, as he felt it was far too dangerous a risk to take on his behalf. Not the animagus transformation itself, but being in proximity to him as a transformed werewolf. In complete exasperation, he had given up arguing his point and was waiting to see if the difficult task of becoming animagi was ever actually achieved. But he had no intention of letting them anywhere near him during the full moon, animagi or not. 

It would all begin again with the September full moon, the first full moon of the school year and falling about three weeks into their time back. At least this would give those with partners plenty of time to get reunion snogging accomplished before going cold turkey for a month. Which was a tiny solace to Remus, who hated watching his friends suffer through the month of discomfort. Was it really worth it? They all insisted it was. 

The front door knob jangled and a second later Lyall entered the cottage. 

“Hi boys,” he said jovially. 

“Hi Lyall,” chorused James and Sirius. Remus gave a noncommittal grunt. He was always embarrassed to be found in what were very intimate positions with Sirius, though he had told his father absolutely nothing was going on between them. Lyall accepted his word with almost too little protest. And Remus was certain he had caught his father sneaking knowing looks at them, but Lyall never pressed him for either information or to voice his own opinion of the situation. 

“I picked up takeaway on my way home, I hope you boys like Thai.”

“Absolutely,” said James, leaping up to help with the large paper bag of cartons Lyall had resized from his pocket. The small cottage was soon flooded with the mouth watering scent of greasy noodles, curry, and rice. 

As they ate, Lyall prattled on about his day and asked Sirius and James about the remainder of their summer. 

“We already went to Diagon Alley,” said Sirius. “Mister Quidditch couldn’t wait even twenty-four hours to get his hands on the newest training quaffle released by the International Quidditch Federation.”

“It’s been optimized for balance, to give it even more precise accuracy,” said James with his mouth full of noodles. 

“How quaint,” grumbled Remus. 

His father threw him a sharp look, but Remus ignored him. 

“We’ll be sad to leave tomorrow though,” Sirius continued. 

“You are welcome back anytime Sirius,” said Lyall, and Remus thought he put a bit too much emphasis on the word you. 

“Train departs a week from Monday though,” and again, James couldn’t keep the glee out of his tone. 

“If you don’t stop reminding us Potter, I’m going to curse your mouth shut. Trust me, it’s not pleasant.”

Remus thought James was pointedly not looking at him as he stuck his tongue out at Sirius. Sirius reacted with lightning fast reflexes, grabbing the tip of James’ tongue, making the other boy’s eyes bulge. 

“Potter, I’m starting to think you have something more exciting than me waiting for you at that damn castle.”

Remus choked on his bite of food, and spluttered for several seconds nearly missing James ripping his tongue free of Sirius’ grasp and saying swiftly, “you can play the fickle teenager, but I know you are as excited to get back as I am.”

“Don’t know what you are referring to Potter.”

“Moony, back me up. Sirius can’t wait to have his oodles of admirers back. I think my bathroom mirror is wearing out.”

Remus let out a relieved breath which turned into an exclamation of surprise as Sirius threw himself sideways into James, knocking them both onto the floor. 

“Oi!”

A swift and furious scuffle followed where the legs of the table and chairs were kicked several times, but eventually James ended up pinning Sirius to the floor with nearly all of his body weight on top of him. 

“James,” Sirius gasped, whacking his back over and over again. “Get. Off!”

“Makes you think twice about launching an attack doesn’t it Black?” replied James. But he moved off Sirius who sucked in a huge breath as James dusted off his hands and knees. 

Remus and his father exchanged a significant look. How many more hours was it before these boys were on their way?

Because it was summer, the boys only slept with a thin sheet above their bodies and the window in Remus’ room thrown wide open. Remus sat near the window and shared another cigarette with Sirius before they crawled into bed with James. He did try to limit himself to smoking only around full moon, and without his mother to protest he only felt a small amount of guilt. But he was coming to Hogwarts with a full stock of smokes this term. The challenge would be hiding them from Sirius who liked to nick them because he thought they made him look cool. 

James had already taken off his glasses and was curled on his side facing out from the edge of the bed. Remus and Sirius each had to clamber over him, which he barely protested. 

“What do you need, Moony,” Sirius whispered. 

Remus sighed. If it was anyone other than James lying with his back to them he would have flushed crimson and shoved Sirius right out of his bed. Even Peter wasn’t aware of the extent to which he and Sirius would snuggle up at night. 

“Come here,” whispered Remus, scooping Sirius towards him. Sirius knew to flip over, so his back was pressed against Remus’ front. Remus draped his arm over Sirius’ side and pressed his hand to the place where his heartbeat was strongest, right between his pectorals and over his sternum. 

Remus closed his eyes. Sirius' heart beat against his hand. For half an instant Remus wished he was also shirtless. Then he felt a twitch and a rush of blood, quickly but subtly scooting his hips back so there was some space between their waists. Deep breath, it will pass. 

“Night Remus,” said Sirius. Sirius always had the grace to either not mention these sometimes moments of unbidden arousal or actually didn’t notice, which Remus very much doubted. 

“Night,” Remus said softly back. 

…

This is an excerpt from The Wolf and The Star which will begin posting on Ao3 on July 11, 2025.

[coochiequeens]

She's 43. Even if she didn't have a health scare she still trouble conceiving. And her boyfriend that she has a kid with is 41. His sperm is already degrading.

When Olivia Munn was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer in May 2023, she had a lot of health decisions to make. Not least of which: whether she wanted another baby. In an emotional new interview, the Newsroom alum opened up about her fertility journey and her complicated feelings about surrogacy.

In a cover story for Vogue, Munn revealed that she recently opted for a complete hysterectomy and oophorectomy to remove the uterus and ovaries and further reduce her chances of cancer recurrence (she previously had revealed that she underwent a double mastectomy last year). She also froze her eggs so that she could have another baby with boyfriend John Mulaney via surrogate if she wanted (they are already parents to 2-year-old son Malcolm). Munn told the outlet that her and Mulaney “don’t feel like we’re done growing our family.” And even though she’s grateful for the opportunity to use a surrogate in the future, Munn still has mixed emotions.

"When you’re pregnant with your own baby, it’s like teamwork — you and the baby working together to make their little life come true,” the 43-year-old said. “You’re doing all this work to eat well, try to not have anxiety, just do all the right things during the pregnancy. With a surrogate, you have to try to go find a version of yourself somewhere out in the world. Somebody that you trust as much as yourself to live their life as a pregnant woman the same way that you would.”

There’s nobody who is truly exactly like you, so it’s hard! However, for Munn and many other families with health issues or who can’t get pregnant, using a surrogate is an excellent choice. “But a surrogate isn’t a scary prospect to me anymore because there’s nothing I can do. I don’t have the ability to carry a baby anymore, so if we want to build our family, this is our option,” Munn continued. “This journey has made me realize how grateful I am to have options for not only fighting cancer, but also having more children if we want, because I know a lot of people don’t have those options.”

Munn isn’t the only one whose struggled with a surrogacy pregnancy. Khloé Kardashian recently shared how she felt “detached” while she was expecting her son Tatum, 22 months, via surrogate.

“The entire pregnancy of my surrogate, I admittedly buried my head in the sand and I said to Dr. A., ‘I can’t do this,’” The Kardashians star said on a May appearance of SHE MD podcast with Mary Alice Haney and board-certified OB-GYN Dr. Thais Aliabadi, who is Kardashian’s doctor. “And the whole surrogacy pregnancy, I was really detached …. So I didn’t get to really attach during the pregnancy part.”

She said she had “one of the world’s best surrogates,” but she still struggled. “I wasn’t at a ton of the doctor’s appointments while my surrogate was pregnant to protect her privacy, I didn’t want paparazzi finding out … I would always be on FaceTime, but it’s not the same and it’s not being there … for Tatum,” the Good American founder said. “When Dr. A put him on my chest to do skin to skin [right after he was born], my face that we filmed for Kardashians, and my face, looking back now, it’s like I was a deer in headlights. I was so scared.”

And although things with Tatum are great now, that doesn’t diminish her experience during the surrogate pregnancy. Like Kardashian, Munn has plenty of support. She also has a strong spirit.

In an interview with PEOPLE last month, the Hit-Monkey star revealed that she is staying strong amid her health battles. “You realize cancer doesn’t care who you are; it doesn’t care if you have a baby or if you don’t have time,” she told the outlet. “It comes at you, and you have no choice but to face it head-on.”

With this attitude, Munn is going to do just fine.

[ryosmne]

Special piece.

Tattoo artist! Sukuna x f!reader

I just had random thoughts about Sukuna, I mean the usual so here's this hope you enjoy reading. Also this is based on my Tattoo artist! Sukuna series here's the masterlist for that.

Warnings: Language, usage of the word babe that's all.

Consultations were always Sukuna's least favourite part of his job. Not only because some people took long to voice their ideas, but because some are way too indecisive, they either want too many things packed in a tattoo or they hover all over the place trying to chose from roses to skulls. Boring.

The girl that walked in five minutes ago was no different and even though she hadn't even been in his shop for that long she was already getting on his nerves not being able to choose a design for him to draw so he could get this over with, and much to Sukuna's dismay she also had a friend with her that stirred her away every time she came close to making a final decision.

Nanami had told him that she already had a very specific design in mind otherwise Sukuna wouldn't be wasting his time and maybe the fact that he woke up next to y/n again helped him enough not to give the girls his usual pissy attitude.

"How about a micro tattoo? It would look so good on you." The girls friend chirped up making Sukuna's eye twitch.

"I won't do that, pick something else, if you're having trouble I can just give you a flash book with my work and we can tweak something to make it different." Sukuna offered, his tone was very much bored and indifferent, all he wanted was for this to be over with.

"Yeah that would be nice." The girl infront of him said. She was around his age, early to mid twenties and by the looks of it she had lots of work done, her right arm was covered and she wanted to start her left too.

Sukuna momentarily left his booth to fetch the flash book from the reception and he was already planning to charge the girl, whose name he didn't really care to remember, extra just for annoying him.

Walking back to his booth, he found both girls staring at the pictures he had framed on his wall, specifically y/n's original sketch of the shrine she wanted. Sukuna still called her lines crooked all the time, especially when y/n and him eat lunch in his booth. The picture next to it was one of y/n's arm, by now not only the shrine and the fox covered it but lots more of his designs.

Y/n had always told him with a chuckle that having a picture of her arm was creepy, but Sukuna always justified it saying that it inspires him and he has a picture of them together on his desk cause he knows she's a bit on the shier side. Not to mention Gojo would give them hell had he seen that picture of them together hanging on the wall and both y/n and Sukuna didn't want to deal with him.

"That one, I want that one."

The girl confidently spoke and Sukuna's gears had already been grinding for a while.

"Not that one, here pick something else." He simply said, with a slightly more intimidating tone as he handed her the flash book.

"But I want that one, why can't I have it?"

Whining was his the worst thing to Sukuna pair it with an entitled costumer and you can see smoke coming out his ears.

"That was a piece for someone special, you can't have it, either pick something else or leave."

Y/n once again came through Domains front door, Nanami greeted her at the reception and as usual everyone was working since there was lots of buzzing in the shop.

"Hey Kento, I brought takeout for everyone, hope you guys like Thai food." She said with a smile, dropping the bags at the reception counter. "You shouldn't have y/n we could've ordered something in." Nanami was his usual self talking about paying her back and y/n only laughed.

"Oh come on, I wanted to, everyone's still working?"

"Yeah, everyone's tattooing, Sukuna's doing a consultation and it's not going that we-"

Before Nanami could finish his sentence some girls voice was heard saying

"Aren't you a tattoo artist? You're supposed to do what I ask you to."

And there was Sukuna, he had came out front having decided that even the extra charging he planned to do wouldn't help him deal with that headache of a client. His face said it all and y/n could tell he was done with whoever pressed him.

The two girls came to y/n's field of view and she was now wondering what they asked for that Sukuna was so pissed. She just gave him a smile telling him to hang in there in her own way and Sukuna's whole face lit up just by her presence.

"Just why won't you do it? That's the one I wanted." Ah, why must his moment be ruined that rudely.

"I already told you, now, out." His voice was as stern as ever, y/n didn't interfere, that was his business he can run it however he pleases.

The two girls let out an annoyed huff before one of them turned their attention to y/n

"Just go somewhere else, this guy won't do what you'd want anyway."

"Oh I'll do whatever she asks of me, now get the fuck out of here."

Finally some piece, just as the door closed, Nanami begun to laugh under his breath having heard all the commotion from before.

Sukuna took y/n under his arm giving her a quick kiss, his expression that previously looked like he would blow up any second, softened to a half smile his now lazy half lidded eyes that settled on y/n's face.

"How's your day dollface?"

"Pretty good, hopefully about to be better, how's yours?" That smile of hers never failed to make his insides melt away.

"Pretty shitty, untill you showed up."

Who knew that anyone could get Sukuna this warm and cuddly? Well if you asked his co workers they would've told you that there's no way in hell anyone can make Sukuna mellow with their presence, but y/n was probably the exception that justifies the rule.

"Babe, did you also get these red velvet cupcakes from the bakery downtown?"

Sukuna asked, eyes lit like a kid on Christmas.

"Have I ever forgotten? I got you the ones with the pink frosting you were eyeing too."

Y/n said her smile matching Sukuna's and her heart hummering like it always did when he smiled, that was the least she could do for all the perfect dates he's taken her and all the perfect food he's cooked for her not to mention the gorgeous work that he put on her body, his ink by now creeped up her shoulder.

"That's my girl!"

Sukuna said with a proud tone as his arm pulled her closer to his side.

"So, what did she ask for?"

Y/n pressed not having a clue what could've gotten him so riled up, but he just hummed and took another bite of his cupcake, like he always did after a meal.

"Was it watercolour?"

Sukuna shook his head no, making y/n more curious.

"Micro tattoo?"

Again same answer.

"Then how bad of an idea could it be?"

Y/n asked, her voice was playful as she genuinely wondered if someone asked for Jimmy neutron's head merged with a tiger again.

"She asked for your shrine, I'd never give someone your shitty lines." Sukuna answered half laughing, and y/n did too, that running joke always found its way back.

But y/n knew Sukuna considered all of the tattoos he'd given her one of a kind and an extension of herself, he wasn't about to hand what's hers to someone else no matter how much tweaking he did, these pieces were y/n's and y/n's only.

Bonus Domain shenanigans:

"Y/n brought food? I heard something about cupcakes too." Gojo spoke suspiciously looking at his co-workers. They all ate with y/n about an hour ago but he was too busy finishing up a piece of his, full colour new school takes time.

Sukuna warned them that if they told Gojo about the cupcakes, he would either fire them or tattoo them a stupid design he thought of. The second option sounded terrifying, so after exchanging a few looks Geto was the one to speak up.

"No man, she did bring Thai thought, maybe you misheared, here I left yours on Nanami's desk." The calmness in Geto's voice always helped him seem like he could never lie, making him the best to handle a very nosey Gojo.

All was good, Gojo didn't ask again and was stuffing his face with the food y/n brought, Sukuna should thank her for making his mouthy friend zip it for more than a minute.

That was untill..

"Y/N TOLD ME SHE BROUGHT RED VELVET CUPCAKES."

Yuuji bursting through the front door ruined everything.

"You liars"

Gojo said before racing to the fridge they kept sodas with Yuuji in toe.

"You lay a finger on MY cupcakes, I'll gut you both."

[eroticcannibal]

So idk what your kid's food issues are except for sensory issues, but I might have some useful advice? If you've heard this all before then sorry oops. Some tactics my mum used were going to food places and framing it as a fun outing, and excitedly getting me to try 1 new food item alongside food I already liked. Eg I can eat fries and chocolate cake but ALSO had to try a few bites of the other food. Her attitude I think was key, she framed trying a new food as something fun and didn't let her desperation show, and that sometimes worked with me bc I then thought of the new food as something potentially fun. She also tried preparing foods in a way that had textures I was okay with, like putting soup in a blender so that it was completely smooth with 0 chunks so that I'd be okay with eating it. Chocolate flavoured meal supplement drinks also sometimes worked with me. Maybe look into different cuisine styles, since every culture uses vegetables in different ways, eg Dorito might like Japanese stirfries but dislike Thai stirfries. Also, depending in what it eats, it could be fine to not have a varied diet. Literally at least 50%+ of what I ate as a kid was mashed potatoes and steamed broccoli, and that with a few other foods a couple times a week as a supplement was enough for me to get the proper nutrients.

Yeah this is good advice, this is exactly how we've managed to get it to eat as much as it does the whole time we've been waiting for this appintment. It is incredibly confident with trying new foods and foods prepared in new ways. Its just the sensory side doesnt always cooperate with it. They'll be foods it picked out and ate earlier in the day that it desperately wants to eat but it just can't. Nutritionally, with supplements, its doing fine. But even if its doing fine nutritionally I dont want it crying because it can't eat from time to time. It just gets so frustrated that with all this trying it still can't eat sometimes.

[ikleesfiction]

Will you follow through if I fall for you?

Fandom : One Chicago Word count : 2,409 words Disclaimer

Previously on this fic : Part 1 🞂 Part 2 🞂 Part 3 🞂 Part 4 🞂 Part 5

Part 6

It's been a few days since your date night with Jay. It went much better than you expected. You knew from the start that Jay is a good guy and probably a sweet lover too. But after that night, you found out that there's more to him than his good look and easy-going attitude. Jay's gentleness soothes your insecurities. His understanding warms you from inside. It's hard to feel miserable when he's around. You cannot help but latch on to him.

You and Jay keep texting and calling each other every day, but you only got to meet him once since then. For a coffee date before he ran to work while you went for your PT session. His job doesn't leave a lot of spare time, so you relish all the time he spends with you.

You hear your phone rings when you have your lunch. There is a video call request from your best friend and work-mate, Alex. "Hey, you! I miss your stupid face!" you greet him.

"You know what's not stupid?" Alex ignores your greeting. "The new material I received this morning

He refers to an email you sent him last night. Instead of sleeping, you wrote some lines and tinkered some notes on your electric keyboard. It was still very rough, but you and Alex swap ideas all the time. They could be a bar of melodies or chord progressions. Or maybe a single line that you cannot get out of your head, even there's no context to it.

"Wanna work on it soon?" Alex proposes.

"Yeah, sure!" you easily agree.

"You know I'm gonna ask how you come up with that song idea, right?" Alex probes further. He got an idea about your sudden burst of inspiration, but you haven't told him anything yet so far.

"You can ask. I might not answer", you nonchalantly retort. "Are you asking now?"

"I would, but I just arrived at my parents' house for our weekly dinner", Alex turns his camera phone and shows you his family dining table. "Say hi to Y/N, Pop" He lets his parents know that you're on the phone.

"Hallo, Liefje" Alex's parents greet and wave at you. "I miss you, Y/N. How are you doing, darling?" Alex's mom squeals at you.

"I miss you guys too. I miss home," you utter mournfully.

"I saw your dad last week. He and your mom cannot wait to have you back home next month. As are we." Alex's dad informs you.

Your face gets even more upset. "I haven't told my parents yet, but it's gonna be another two months. It's not working out as good as they wanted"

Alex's parents let out a sympathetic noise. "Oh great, I still have two more months to hide all my chocolate from you" Alex teases you instead. He knows if he doesn't throw any humor here, you're going to weep. The family laughs at your offended look.

"Where's Sara?" you ask them when you didn't notice Alex's little sister on the table.

"She's getting ready for a date after dinner. Said they will go stargazing. Can you believe it?" Alex skeptically recounts to you.

"Hmm, that sounds romantic. Good for her." you hum your appreciation. Alex can see twinkles in your eyes.

"Of course, you thought it was charming", Alex sounds vexed.

"Why are you so grumpy about this? You have a hit song that compared someone's eyes with the moon", you remind him. "Last time I checked, that song already got more than 400 million streams on Spotify". Alex just grumbles incoherently, while you can hear his father's booming laugh in the background.

"Alex, would you please call your sister down for dinner?" Alex's mom orders him.

"Alright, ma. Gotta go, Y/N. I'll call you later when I'm back at the studio. Bye, sis!" Alex ends the call.

◢◤

Kelly Severide comes to your place in the evening after he finished his shift. He called you on your cell several times, but you didn't pick them up. He knocked on your door for a few minutes without answers. Worried that something bad happened to you, he uses his key to open your apartment door. You gave him a spare when you began your recovery from the incident. Since you got nobody in town except for the 51 Family, you thought at least one of them should have access to your place, in case you need help.

Kelly sees you sitting on your corner desk with headphones on. Your head is nodding to the beat you're working on. Relieved to know you okay, but feels a bit annoyed, Kelly taps your shoulder lightly. You jump in surprise, almost fall from your chair if Kelly doesn't hold you down.

"Kelly! What..! Why are you..??" your heart is still pounding in shock, makes you unable to finish your thoughts properly.

"I knocked! And called you many times! Neither you answered! I was afraid that you fell and unconscious so I used my key", Kelly exclaims.

You check your phone and see seven missed calls from Kelly. "Sorry, I left my phone on mute, somehow"

Kelly goes to raid your fridge and takes a bottle of apple juice. "Your fridge needs beers" he judges. "Go, get ready! We'll hang out at Molly's. Everyone misses you", Kelly orders you.

"I'm working, Kelly. Just because my work has no shifts, doesn't mean I can go anytime you want", protest you.

"You work for your best friend, who's in another continent right now. You can slack off for a bit" he dismisses your complaint.

"I'm making big progress here. My writing juice is flowing", you point at your laptop.

"One hour. I give you one hour to work. Then I'm hauling you out of here. In the meantime, I'm gonna order take out for us", Kelly decides.

You only mumble your disagreement, knowing that you're gonna lost the argument anyway. So you just put your headphones back on your head. However, Kelly pokes you again five minutes later, with his phone on hand, "Hey, do you want Thai or Greek? I'm in the mood for Greek right now", Kelly playfully asks you.

"Yeah, Greek is fine" you start to feel bothered.

He leaves to order the food while you're back to do your work. Ten minutes passed, Kelly drags a chair from the kitchen island to your side. He knocks on the table to catch your attention.

"Hey, I just remember, Brett said they saw you rescued somebody at the swimming pool last week. How did that happen?" he questions.

You let out a desperate sigh. "You're not going to let me work in peace, are you?"

Kelly just grins. "C'mon, we haven't hung out for a while. Lots of drama to share"

You save your work in defeat and then move to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. Kelly sits on the couch with legs resting on the coffee table. You place yourself next to Kelly.

"They extend my therapy for another month" you restlessly play with your bottle cap.

"Is it not going well?" Kelly asks in concern.

"I got cramps that day at the swimming pool. They worried I damaged something. So they prefer to be cautious" you fill him in.

"That's when you rescued Dr. Manning's son " Kelly tries to clarify.

"Well, I just pulled him out of the water. The pool guard was the one who helped him breathe" you shrug.

"You assisted. It still counts as a rescue", Kelly insists. "Bet if Dr. Manning knew, she would buy you drinks at Molly's forever"

"More like got invited to dinner at their place," you mutter.

"Hmm, that's probably true" Kelly pauses for a moment, thinking. "Wait, did you meet her?" he grills you.

"Yeah. And her fiancé. I came to the hospital to check on Owen. Then next thing I knew I'm having family dinner with Manning/Halstead clan", you convey to him.

Kelly's phone chirps interruptedly. "Food's here" He goes to pick up the food from the delivery guy. "Alright, let's eat then we can go to Molly's"

◢◤

Jay is nursing his first beer as he watches Will bottoms up his third glass of whiskey. Will called him earlier in the evening, claimed that he needs bro night out after a shitty day at Med. Jay's initial plan to have dinner with you got scrapped before he even asked.

"Maybe you need to pace yourself, Will", Jay suggests to him as Will signs to Otis for a refill.

"Yeah, Doc. Maybe you want to switch? We have a nice Dutch craft beer chilling here", Otis offers. But Will is still holding out his empty glass to him, silently demanding for more. "Okay then" sighs Otis as he fills the glass.

Jay hears the commotions at the other end of the bar. He recognizes some people from Firehouse 51 there. Christopher Hermann is cackling, while Matt Casey grins widely. They pay attention to someone that is sitting among the group, but he cannot see who because Severide is blocking his view.

Jay checks his phone while he finishes his beer. He received a text from you beforehand, told him that she's going out to meet her friends tonight. He texted back, wishing her to enjoy her night out, but got no replies. Will notices Jay's scrolling on his phone and asks, "Do you need to go back to work?"

"Nah, just checking my texts" Jay puts his phone back in his pocket. "Are you feeling better now?"

"Not in the slightest. But I still have to go to work tomorrow. If I wanna do better than today, I cannot do that with a hangover" Will sulks. "Hey Gabby, I would like to try that craft beer Otis suggested" he requests to Gabby who passes by.

"Would you like one as well, Jay?" Gabby offers him.

"Alright, why not.." Jay accepts the new bottle.

"Is this a new batch? Don't think I ever have it here before", comments Will after his first sip.

"Yeah! Just start to come in this month. It's a friend's favorite. She hooked us up with a supplier directly from The Netherlands. You like it?" Gabby enthusiastically claims.

"It's good. But still not Bourbon", Will pouts. Jay lets out a snort while Gabby snickers.

Jay looks around the bar as he savors his beer. He paused when he thought he saw you sitting among the 51 Gang. Will notices and looks in the same direction. "Is that Y/N?" asks Will.

Jay stands up for his seat, "I'm gonna go say hi to her"

◢◤

You feel a palm pressed to your back as you hear someone's saying from behind, "Didn't expect to see you here tonight"

You turn your back immediately as you realize whose voice it is, "Jay!" shout you excitedly. You open your arms to hug him. Jay lands a chaste kiss on your lips before hugs you back.

Kelly and Matt look at each other over your head with eyebrows raised. "Well, that's something I didn't expect" goads Kelly.

"Severide, Casey" Jay gives them an acknowledging nod with his hands stay on your hips.

"How do you know each other?" Matt asks curiously.

Jay opens his mouth to reply, but you hear Will's interruption, "You guys finally made it, huh?" Jay rolls his eyes at his brother.

"These guys have been sending heart-eyes at each other since they first met" Will tips off the 51 gang. "Which I arranged, by the way. But this result was unintentional"

"No, we're not!" you try to deny.

"I was there, Y/N, at your almost first kiss" Will divulges.

"Oh my god!" you hide your blushing face behind your palms. Jay smacks a kiss on the side of your head, amused while the group makes fun of you.

"I guess this happened after Y/N rescued Owen?" Sylvie asks to confirm.

"Ooooh yes, our next year candidate!" Hermann yells. The others just clap and whistle in response. You thud your head to the bar table, abashed.

"Hey, don't be embarrassed. We are proud of you" Casey remarks. "That said if you want to go to the academy..." he continues.

"Nuh-uh, I love my job, thank you very much" you quickly state.

You spend the rest of the night beside Jay, chatting and laughing with 51 Family and Halstead brothers until you let out a big yawn. "Tired?" Jay asks you softly.

You nod, "Beer always made me sleepy"

"Let me settle the tabs, then I'll take you home" Jay squeezes your shoulder as he stands up.

Kelly observes you and Jay throughout the night. When Jay left your side, he lowly speaks to you after making sure everyone else is busy conversing elsewhere. "So Jay Halstead is the one who got your juice's flowing, huh?"

"Kelly!" you slap his arm, agape.

"I mean your writing juice! You said it earlier!" Kelly yelps, but his smirk contradicts his words.

"You're the worst" you just shake your head.

Kelly's face turns serious for a moment, "Does he know about your situation?"

"What situation?" you try to sound innocent, but Kelly just gives you a look.

"Told him about the collapsing stage" you deflated.

"Have you told him that you're leaving in two months?" Kelly pushes.

"It's still too early. Who knows, Jay might end this soon", your voice sounds unsure.

"Don't think so. He looks quite smitten by you. Should probably tell him soon", Kelly disagrees.

"I'm happy right now, Kels. Can I just enjoy this for a while?" you start to lose patience with him.

"He deserves to know" Kelly persists.

You look down at the table, your fist is clenched in frustration. Jay comes back and notices the tense atmosphere. "Is everything okay?"

You reply with a forced smile, "Yeah, let's get out of here" then stand up from your seat and give Kelly a quick hug, "Thanks, Kels"

You move to say goodbye to the rest of the group, which takes a bit of time since everyone wants a hug or has something to tell you.

"C'mon guys, my boyfriend has waited long enough" you cry out when Sylvie and Gabby hold you back from going. The group guffaw even louder and playfully nudges Jay, who just beams brightly at you.

"Good night, guys!" you casually shout, finally getting away from the rest of the group, with Jay's hand in yours.

Next on this fic : Part 7

+x Taglist +x

@shipshipshipau @itsdesiree86 @thevelvetseries @annaallicce

[binbogummy]

Jimothen would absolutely take FK and Parsley camping! Since Dallas drives out, I can't imagine he'd pass a chance to tag along - and I imagine Parsley would be more willing if FK was there. His dad is a lot and everyone know it! Manly camping!!!

I just want to say thank you so much for this request I had a lot of fun with it!

• Out of all the father son bonding time Parsley is forced into, camping is his least favorite. He's not a very outdoorsy person at all. The bugs, the burnt food, sleeping on the ground; it's not exactly his idea of a good time and Jimothan's insistence on roughing it as much as possible only makes it worse.

• Jimothan proudly brought up their upcoming yearly trip at the Lounge one day and you mentioned that you hadn't been in a while and that camping sounded like a lot of fun. This immediately caught Parsley's attention and he was quick to suggest you come along with them.

• Jimothan was surprisingly okay with this idea as well. He'd always been so insistent on it being a father-son trip but he was already proudly blustering on about showing you how to pitch a tent "the right way".

• Parsley on the other hand was just happy to have someone to suffer with. And who knows, his dad might even tone it down a notch with you around. He almost felt bad, you had no idea what you were getting yourself into.

• A few days later while hanging out with Dallas you mentioned getting to tag along with them and he congratulated you, wistfully mentioning how much he loved group camping trips. A few minutes later and you're making a call to Parsley asking if there was room for one more

• Jimothan remembered Dallas from their time at the Habitat but overall didn't know much about the guy besides what he usually orders at the bar.

"I don't know, the kid's one thing but we only have so much room in the truck. You ever been camping before, son?"

"Allll the time, daddy-O~ The mystique of the forest really scratches the id, y'know? Makes for a excellent atelier~"

"What in the sam hill does that-"

"He goes there to paint." You clarified "Oh and don't worry about space! We can just take Dallas's bus, he's got plenty of room."

Dallas flashed Jimothan the "OK" symbol and though he still looked reluctant, Parsley was already on board and looking more excited about going camping than he had in a long time.

"I'm just happy I don't have to ride in the bed of the pickup this year." Parsley sighed in relief.

"Oh don't complain. I always tell you; the Breeo X Series 19 Firemaster has to sit up front with me for safe keeping."

• When it comes to actually camping, Jimothan is old fashioned but impressively efficient. When you pick out a spot and begin unpacking your things he's already working on setting up the tents and starting a fire. Fishing, hiking, rock climbing, he tries to fit in as many outdoorsy activates into the weekend as possible. .

• Dallas takes a much more relaxed approach to camping. He brings a lot of modern amenities and prefers to sleep in his bus instead of out in the open. Spending most of his free time finding a good place to set up a temporary studio and painting

• Much to Jimothan's dismay, Parsley latches onto this laid back approach to camping and ends up spending most of his time with Dallas.

"C'mon, Pars, Marv told me the lake north of here is full of biters!"

"Uh, thank, dad...but I'll have to pass for today. Dallas and I are gonna go swimming though, so maybe I'll see you up by the stream?" Parsley was awkwardly dancing around his dad's enthusiasm and you weren't blind to the dejection and annoyance that was building in Jimothan's eyes every time Dallas stepped in to join one of their activities or offer an easier alternative to Jimothan's bare bones way of camping.

• Dallas really was just doing his best to be friendly even going out of his way to strike up conversation with Jimothan despite the older man's gruff attitude.

• Considering that Parsley never shared his love of camping, Jimothan gets pretty excited if you show interest in what he's working on or ask him to assist you with something. Though he does tend to take over and show you how to do it as opposed to just helping.

• You do your best to keep him from feeling left out but unfortunately this backfires and now you're the one he's waking up at 5am to go hiking. You had to admit you felt bad for him but you were beginning to understand what Parsley meant about his dad being a lot to handle. Still, it's actually kind of sweet. He really does just want someone to share a common interest with and pass all his tricks onto. He just lacked basic communication skills.

• Speaking of Parsley, he seemed to genuinely be enjoying himself this time around. He got along really well with Dallas, even modeling in front of the sunset for him at one point.

Unfortunately Jimothan’s over eagerness begins to wear on you and you find yourself tempted by the dark side. "You sure you don't want to stick around? Dallas is gonna show me how to make dream catchers." Parsley asked, scooting over to make room for you near the fire.

"I probably shouldn't. Jimothan already asked me if I wanted to go rock climbing with him."

"Rock climbing? You mean on that 30ft tall cliff by the waterfall? You nodded wearily. "Yeah, he already tried to get me to go too, buddy system and all that. But I get forced into that stuff every year. Missing it this one time won't hurt him."

"I don't know, he seemed pretty excited." Just as you were struggling with your decision Dallas emerged from his bus holding an assortment of crafting supplies.

"Heyy, little buddy, are you going to be joining us? I've got some pressed flowers you could use for yours, it'll fit your aesthetic perfectly~" Before you could answer, Parsley pulled you down to sit beside him.

"You bet they are!" Okay, maybe a quick crafts break wouldn't hurt.

• Before you knew it three hours had passed and you were doing outdoors yoga alongside Dallas and Parsley with flowers braided into your hair. The serene atmosphere only being broken by Jimothan stomping into camp. He was soaking wet and looked like he had taken quite the tumble. The annoyed look on his face only reconfirmed this theory.

"So...how was rock climbing?" Parsley asked nervously. The only response any of you received was a furrowed brow before he angrily retreated into the tent to change.

• After a bit of time he eventually returned and went about readying the camp for dinner. It was beginning to get dark so you, Dallas and Parsley were sitting on the top of the bus watching the stars. The view was nice but there was just one thing missing.

"Hey, Jimothan, you should get up here, the views amazing!" Parsley seemed to catch onto what you were doing and followed your lead.

"They're right ya know. It is pretty cool up here." Parsley seemed to finally have caught his attention and he looked to actually be considering it for a second but shook his head.

"Nah, you kids have fun. I need to get this fire started." There was a hint of sadness to his voice as he went back to smacking his wet flint and steel together. They must have been in his pocket when he took his tumble down the waterfall.

Dallas leaned over the railing at the top of the bus. "There's no need for that, my guy. If you can't get that started I've got a microwave in the back, we can have Pad Thai." He seemed to be trying to raise the mood but Jimothan didn't offer his addition so much as a glance. He did however huff and begin smacking the flint and steel together much more aggressively.

You and Parsley gave each other a worried glance but it was interrupted by Dallas placing a hand on each of your shoulders. He winked and seemed to be giving you a look that implied, 'let me handle this', before effortlessly vaulting over the railing and sliding down the side of the bus.

Without missing a beat he kneeled down beside Jimothan and pulled put a ligher. Quickly flicking it alight and holding it beside the piece of newspaper he was trying to start the fire with. "I feel you though, nothing like cooking over a real fire, right?"

• Jimothan looked at him in awe for a moment and Dallas just gave him a friendly smile. Then Jimothan threw down his flint and steel, stood up and marched off into the forest.

Parsley slapped a hand to his forehead and slouched backwards, "Oh boy..." You scrambled down the ladder to stand beside Dallas who was still staring in the direction Jimothan had stormed off in.

"Did I say something wrong?" He looked at you worriedly but before you could answer Parsley slid down the ladder to stand beside you.

Nah, not really. He's just...not good with change."

• Jimothan goes pretty quiet after that, eventually returning to huffily chop wood not far from the camp. After a bit you offer to go talk to him but Parsley steps up insisting that he should be the one to do it.

• You and Dallas sit by the fire, just barely being able to make out their shapes as they talked off in the distance. You couldn't hear what they were saying but just watching their silhouettes interact told the whole story.

• Jimothan seemed to be ignoring him for a while until Parsley picked up an axe and started chopping alongside him. There was an obvious struggle on Parsley's part that was enough to catch Jimothan's attention and soon he moved to show him how to do it properly. Adjusting the wood on the chopping block, showing him how to hold the axe right and demonstrating the proper chopping motion. He then stepped back to let Parsley try again, giving a small applause as he successfully split a log down the middle.

There a moment of stillness as Parsley seemed to be speaking then he walked forward and hugged his dad. Jimothan froze for a moment then hugged him back. They stayed like that for a bit and you almost wished you could have heard what they were talking about.

• Not long after that Parsley came walking back into the light with Jimothan close behind him. There was a clear bit of awkward tension in the air but Dallas was the first to stand up and apologizes for having done anything that may have upset him. This was enough to get Jimothan to speak up, and he insisted that Dallas had nothing to be sorry for.

"You're here as a guest. I'm sorry for causing a scene. If Parsley happy doing..." He vaguely motioned to Dallas's bus, "whatever it is you've been doing... then maybe I need to open up a bit"

Parsley was smiling at him proudly but he raised a hand, "Just a bit though!"

• The next morning all four of you went spear fishing then later that evening Dallas set up a projector and you had a little horror movie marathon. You even got Jimothan to make a dream catcher. It was a disastrous collage of fish hooks and rocks but he seemed proud of it so you hung it up with the others.

• Dallas plays the acoustic guitar and Jimothan plays the Banjo and as it turns ou the two of them have a mutual love of campfire songs. You're forever grateful to Parsley for thinking ahead and bringing an extra pair of noise canceling headphone for you because those two go on for hours. Seeing them both go all out together is incredibly sweet though.

• When it comes time to pack up and leave Jimothan offers Dallas a hand shake but Dallas goes straight for the hug. Leaving Jimothan to give him an awkward pat on the back as he half returned it.

• Parsley has already assured you that you're definitely coming next year, no exceptions. And who knows, they might even make it a tradition to start bringing some of the others as well.

[dalamjisung]

what you want ❋ bambam

word count: 4213

genre: angst, college!au

pairing: reader x bambam

description: people have been feeding you lies about the boy in your class. it’s time to learn the truth by yourself

Everyone knows him before he even says his name. Well, before he even says his nickname; his name is too long and too foreign for most. It starts with his clothes; all designer brands and fashion forward, with their bright colors and bedazzles. Then, the accessories come next, shinning more than the street lamps in the Main Ave. But it is mostly his attitude that confirms his identity; from his smirk and brooding eyes, to even the way he walks, going around as if he owns the place and everyone in it. He screams young and rich; and indeed he is. BamBam is probably the richest kid you know, and he is not afraid to flaunt it. 

You two have been in the same college for two years now, and in the same class for about a month, since the beginning of the semester, and lo and behold, BamBam is yet to learn your name. He is everything you despise; arrogant, stupid, and inconsiderate– or at least, you heard him to be like that. You’ve never interacted with the boy with the few exceptions of homework exchange in the class group chat, and you hope to stay that way; you aren’t interested in whatever hookup tales and travel stories he has to tell, your life is hard enough as it is, trying to balance work and school, you didn’t have to feel bad about being broke, either. 

The problem is that you were really good friends with Jackson, a Chinese exchange upperclassmen, and he, in turn, is really good friends with BamBam. You are also friends with Youngjae and Jinyoung, two great guys that happen to also be friends with BamBam. It made you cautious, if anything, since every time you want to vent about the stupidities of the Thai boy, you have to make sure that it isn’t to his friends, not wanting to put them in a very uncomfortable position– and that is really hard, considering the fact that BamBam is good friends with everyone. 

It isn’t until the day before your Literature midterm that you lose it. The college is already in pure chaos thanks to the exams, and people are being even more inconsiderate than usual, but you don’t have it in you to complain– you are too shy to say anything. Even though you are the class’ representative, it is really hard for you to be the center of attentions; it makes you incredibly uncomfortable to have all eyes on you, and you signed up for the class rep. position as a way to challenge yourself to be more out there. It had been Jackson’s idea, and he’s helping you out ever since. 

“Excuse me.”

You look up from where you are standing just to come face to face with Kim Yugyeom, aka BamBam’s best friend. 

“Yes?” You ask, voice wavering a little bit. You have to admit; this boy’s height is enough to intimidate you, now adding the beauty on top of it all is just too much. 

“You’re the class representative, right?” He asks with a wide smile.

“…yeah,” You nod slowly. What’s the catch? “What can I help you with, Yugyeom?”

“Oh, you even know my name,” He teases, throwing you a wink. “I just need help with the new topic in Psychology… I wasn’t in school last week and I’m afraid that if I don’t catch up now, I never will.”

“Oh,” Your eyes go wide. You never said anything to anyone, but you’ve also heard things about Kim Yugyeom, and they were the same, if not worse, them the things you’ve heard about BamBam. You wanted to say no, and just save yourself from the disaster that this is bound to turn into, but you can’t– this is your job, after all. “Sure. I-I can help you, I think…”

“Great!” He smiles even wider and for a second you think his cheeks are about to rip. “Would today at 5PM work? At the coffee shop in front of the dance building”

“Yeah,” You sigh, already throwing your plans to re-watch Friends out of the window. “I guess it does.”

“Thank you so much, class rep!” Yugyeom gives you two thumbs up and his eyes are almost disappearing under the big smile on his face. Suddenly, his face falls, and his eyes are not two squints anymore, but two huge brown orbs staring at you intently. “Ah! I forgot to ask! I have a friend who was also gone and is also struggling with the new topic… is it alright if he comes with?”

“Of course, who–“

Before you can ask, Yugyeom is already gone, running through the halls squealing in excitement. You sigh, tiredly, already knowing who to blame for this. 

[y/n: how could you betray me like this?]

[jackson: idk what you’re talking about]

[y/n: fess up, heathen]

[y/n: you were the one that told yugyeom to ask me for help]

[jackson: goddammit he told you, didn’t he?]

[y/n: he didn’t have to -_-]

[y/n: yugyeom doesn’t care about school, but he does care about his hyungs]

[jackson: lol what?]

[y/n: what?]

[jackson: who told you that?]

[jackson: yugyeom is the biggest nerd I’ve ever met]

[jackson: and I’m friends with YOU]

You roll your eyes at that. Sure, you like getting good grades, and sure, you might not be the most socially active person, but you wouldn’t call yourself a nerd. And you wouldn’t call Yugyeom a nerd, either… at least not from what you’ve been told. Well, I guess people can be wrong.

Shrugging it off, you try to focus on the rest of your classes, but you can’t. If you had it wrong about Yugyeom, what else could you possibly have been misinformed? Shaking it off, you start making your way to the coffee shop, hoping to get there a little earlier than Yugyeom and his friend to collect yourself and prepare your notes. 

You realize your efforts were in vain when you see the two boys through the window, with a couple of girls laughing at something they said. Your eyes didn’t miss the pile of books and notes on the table and you smile a little; maybe you were wrong about them, and maybe that is okay. Maybe the friend he brought is a nice guy, and maybe you could make new friends, and maybe– just maybe– Jackson is right; they are worth a shot. 

The door jingles when you walk in and you smile when you see Mark behind the counter.

“Y/N,” He calls loudly, and you walk over just for him to give you a cup of coffee. “What’re you doing here?”

“I came over to help Yugyeom and his friend with some work they missed when they were out last week,” You shrug, and Mark eyes go wide.

“Uh, I thought you didn’t like BamBam…” Mark goes off slowly, a little confused with the situation.

“What?” You laugh. “I said Yugyeom.”

“You’re in for a surprise,” It’s all Mark says before walking away to help another customer. 

Just as you are about to call him back, Yugyeom walks over to you and grabs your heavy bag. 

“Over here, Y/N,” He smiles and guides you to the table you saw him before. “Girls, it was nice meeting you, but now we have to get back to studying.”

“We’ll see you guys at the party Friday,” One of them says and leaves, chuckling with her friend. 

“Y/N, thank you so much for agreeing to help us out,” Yugyeom starts, as you focused on getting your books out of your bag. “This is BamBam, by the way, I’m not sure if you two ever met.”

You’re in for a surprise. 

This is it; you were going to kill Mark Tuan. 

“Nice to meet you,” BamBam smiles and sure, it’s adorable and innocent looking, but you aren’t about to be fooled. “I’m BamBam.”

“I know,” You say shortly, ignoring the hand. “I am sure everyone knows.”

BamBam’s brows go up high and his eyes get wide. 

“Sure…” He says uncomfortably. “Should we start?”

You smile awkwardly at that and tell them to open their books. The evening goes by quickly– Yugyeom and BamBam, as much as you hate saying it, are great students. They pay attention and seem to grasp the subject quickly, even taking notes and asking questions. BamBam is not as enthusiastic as Yugyeom, but you can clearly see he is trying his best. Maybe I was wrong, you sigh in defeat, looking at the dark street as you wait for them to finish a worksheet you gave them. Maybe he is not that bad… maybe people are wrong about him. 

“Finished!” BamBam announces with a bright grin. You take a quick look to find that most of his answers were correct, with the exception of a couple. He would’ve been one of the highest scores in the class had he been there on the day of the quiz. 

“Well, congrats,” You smile a bit and he mirrors you. “You got it mostly right. I don’t think you need my help any further.”

“What about me?” Yugyeom hands your the worksheet and you laugh joyously as you read it over. “You got them all right,” You chuckle, honestly happy about the progress of the two boys. “You guys are good to go.”

They do a weird handshake and then look at you again. “Thank you so much for helping us, Y/N,” Yugyeom smiles. “Now we’re all caught up with the class.”

“And to celebrate,” BamBam smirks and you can feel something change; a switch in the air, per se, and suddenly there is a slight tension looming over you guys. “Why don’t you come to the party on Friday? It’s over at Jaebeom hyung’s and–“

“I’ll pass,” Your smile is gone now, and all you can think of is the huge amount of people that would certainly be there– the bodies, the loud music, the smell… all of those together are not a good combination for you. “But thanks, BamBam.”

“Why?” He laughs, and it feels a little odd, almost as if he is laughing at you. “It’ll be fun, come on!”

“Bam, I think she’s not into that kind of stuff,” Yugyeom tried to reason. 

“Yeah, it’s really not for me,” You shrug. “But thanks, anyways.”

“No, don’t knock it ‘till you try it!” BamBam says a little too loudly and you wince, retreating into yourself. “I promise we’ll make it worth your while; you need to relax a little, Y/N!”

And without even knowing, BamBam crossed a line you aren’t sure he can uncross. Mark, hearing all of it as he got ready to leave, made his way over to your table in hopes of smoothing things down, but you were too wind up.

“I’m sorry, what did you just say to me?” You are seething, and any normal person could see it. 

“I said you need to relax,” To top it all, BamBam rolls his eyes at you, and you have to hold back from choking him unconscious. “You know, you are always talking about school and all and I just think that if you go to the party, you’ll have fun… for once!”

“I do have fun,” You mumble through gritted teeth, and you see the exact moment BamBam noticed your clenched fists. “And it might not be your concept of fun, but I enjoy it nonetheless. Not all of us shit money and fuck everything that walks; I have things I need to worry about, unlike you. You don’t even know me, what gives you the right to judge me?”

Mark gasps from behind you, and his hands are on yours, pulling you way from BamBam, but the latter holds you by the elbow with a strong grip. You can’t quite get a good look at him because of his hair, but you could feel it; BamBam was pissed and his anger was overpowering.

“That’s very hypocritical of you,” He whispers in your ear. “Class rep.”

Mark drags you out of there before you can answer, but in all honesty, you weren’t sure you could– he was right, after all. 

                                                       ------------------------

The week goes by quickly and Friday approaches as if it was a very important day– and it could be, if you consider movie night with Jackson and Jinyoung a special occasion that occurs every week. What you get, though, when you arrive at their place, is not what you are expecting. 

Jackson looks out of the ordinary good; he has a nice shirt on and his hair is sleeked back. Jinyoung is sitting on the couch looking like he always does, yet still looking incredible. They were clearly waiting for you, since you barely have time to put the snack bag down before your friends are pushing you out the door and inside a taxi. You squeeze in the back, confused and slightly amused, as you hear Jackson spit out the final address. 

“Isn’t that Jaebeom’s address?” You mutter out loud, and just as you connect the dots, the car is moving. “Guys, no.”

“Yes.” They say in unison. 

“Enough is enough, Y/N,” Jackson states. “We’ve always let you be because we know you get really anxious about parties and new people, but Mark told us what happened a few days ago. Look, it was not right for BamBam to just tell you all of that, he doesn’t know half of your story, but you need to stop this.”

“What are you even talking about?”

“You live your life studying and working– which is great! Don’t get us wrong, we’re not saying for you to drop all of your responsibilities and party all the time,” Jinyoung shrugs. “But you are 21… You are living your prime days doing homework. That’s not living. We’ve always been here for you, and we will always be here for you, life goes beyond school. You have to admit, BamBam was right– it’s time to have fun.”

You groan, pained to hear those words. “I know he was right,” You mumble, looking out of the window. “I know I’m a hypocritical bitch. Anything else you want to rub in my face, Jinyoung?”

“That’s not what I meant at all,” He gasps. “What the hell did BamBam say to you?”

You shake your head in disappointment. Not at the boys; they had a point. You really needed to live beyond your dorm walls and have some fun, as much as you hated hearing that; it hurt on a level that you never wanted to reach. You were disappointed in yourself. It wasn’t always like this, and the fact that you allowed yourself to fall back into this routine killed you. You weren’t happy, you knew that, but you were content, and for a second, that seemed better than being vulnerable. 

“Just some stuff,” You finally answer. “He wasn’t wrong, though.”

“But apparently we were,” Jackson sighs, worried eyes set on you. He could read you like a book. “I’m sorry, Y/N, we don’t know the full picture, and we thought this would be a good idea but–”

Well isn’t this ironic?

“We can go back if you want?” Jinyoung frowns, ready to tell the driver to go back. He could see the hurt in your face, and it killed him to see you like this. They hated that you were always cooped up in your room on the weekends, complaining about your loud neighbors and watching dramas online, but seeing you hurt is way worse. “We don’t want you to change, love; we just want to show you something new.”

You nod slowly. “Sure,” You say, taking a deep breath. “I need to go to that party, anyways…”

“You do?!” They look at each other incredulously. 

“Yeah,” You sigh, closing your eyes and enjoying the cold feeling of the glass window on your forehead. “I need to apologize to someone.”

                                                     ------------------------

The events that follow were expected. Jinyoung is whisked away by an excited Yugyeom, whom in return receives a slap to the head. Jackson lasts a little longer with you; holding your hand in a comforting way whenever he noticed you were getting too overwhelmed. Mark and Youngjae join you two, surprised and happy with your presence. They’ve been doing this for so long, you think. And I never knew. Your friends never talked about parties with you, and you never wondered why until today.

“We never wanted to make you uncomfortable,” Youngjae explains once you ask. “We party a lot, to be honest, and we always wanted you to come, but you made it very clear you hate things like this so…”

Your face falls at that. They always stayed in whenever you asked, and you never even gave them the chance to ask you to come out. You felt like the worst friend in the world. 

“I’m sorry,” You say and his eyes go wide. “Next time I promise I’ll come with. I want to have fun with you guys, too.”

“Ya, seriously?” Youngjae smiles wide, surprised. “You can’t take it back!”

“I won’t!” You promise, laughing with your friend. “I’m sorry I’ve been a bad friend, Youngjae.”

“You were never a bad friend, Y/N,” He smiles. “We understand. Movie nights are fun in a different way; they are comfortable and cozy, and if that’s what you needed, we were happy to provide. But sometimes you need some excitement, and that’s what parties are for… we didn’t want to pressure you, so we never said anything. We just waited until you were ready– and I guess you are now.”

You nod, hugging him tight, before wandering off alone, in search of the person you went there to see. You end up in the kitchen, and you think that maybe fetching yourself a beer won’t hurt too much. 

“Here,” You hear someone say from behind you, and your cheeks brighten once you realize you were noticeably lost. “You’re looking for beer, right?”

“Ah,” You turn around and smile. “Yes. Thanks, Yugyeom.”

“Didn’t think I’d see you here after what happened in the coffee shop,” He deadpans, and you can feel it once again. The tension. “You know, I always thought you were pretty cool, Y/N. The hyungs talk about you a lot, and I always saw you as this funny person, even though you don’t talk much.”

You don’t say anything. You know exactly where this is going and you allow it; you deserve it.

“I never pegged you as a judgmental person,” He chuckles. “Mainly because everyone judges you. I don’t know, I thought you’d be all that Jackson hyung told me… but I was wrong. I guess we really don’t know you, after all.”

“That’s not fair,” You chuckle. “I get what you’re saying, and I’m sorry. This is what I came here to do; apologize. But what you’re doing is not fair.”

“How so?” He smiles a bit. 

“I judged unfairly, and for that I apologize,” You say, voice seeping honesty. “But you’re doing the exact same. I had a reason to react the way I did, the same way BamBam had a reason to react the way he did. You’re taking sides, Yugyeom.” “Well, of course I am,” He shrugs. “BamBam is my best friend.”

You laugh at that– a full blown laugh, with your head back and happy giggles in the end. “That does make sense. I am happy he has someone like you, Yugyeom.”

And with those words, the bright smiled boy you met before was back. “Thanks, Y/N. Now, if you must know, BamBam is in the back porch. Things got a little too much for him in here, so he went there to get some air.”

“Thanks Yugy,” You say and before you can leave, he grabs your hand.

“Once you get sorted out with BamBam,” He chuckles. “Can we be friends? Jackson hyung told me some hilarious stories about you, and I’ve been meaning to talk to you for a while now…”

“Of course we can,” You smile. “I’ve heard a lot about you, too.”

“Good or bad?” He shouts, surprising you. “Say good, please.”

“Bye Yugyeom!”

Finding the back porch was harder than you thought, but you manage. You see his jacket before you see him, and in your defense, you couldn’t really not see the bedazzled black jacket on the ground. BamBam is right next to it, though, laying down on the wooden floor, and you panic. Is he alright? Did he drink too much? What–

“Whoever you are,” He says, and his voice is nothing but tired. “Either come here, or leave.”

“Oh, sorry,” You mumble, and his head snaps in your direction. “Do you mind chatting for a bit?”

“Why?” He chuckles humorlessly. “So you can tell me all the things I did wrong? I don’t think so, sweetheart, now why don’t you–“

“I’m sorry.” 

“Yeah, you said that before now please–“

“No,” You stand your ground, even though you felt as if your heart was about to beat out of your chest. “I’m really sorry, BamBam. I shouldn’t have believed all of those things people told me; I was stupid and naive. And I shouldn’t have snapped at you back in the coffee shop, but I just thought that–“

“That I was a complete idiot with no purpose in life,” He says harshly. “Sounds about right?”

“Y-Yeah, but–“

“But you realized you were wrong and now you want to apologize so we can be friends.”

“How’d you know?” You ask, voice wavering more than you’d like to admit.

“You’re not the first,” He sighs, frowning. “It seems like there is always a problem with me. And don’t try to deny it– I can see you shaking your head.”

“Well,” You start carefully. “You do come off as a little bit�� spoiled.”

BamBam laughs and pats the empty space next to him. Just as you sit down, you hear him talking slowly, as if he, too, needed to process it all. 

“People think I’m this billionaire’s son that doesn’t care about anything but my reputation,” He starts. “But they don’t know half of it. I skip class, I party a lot, so that means I don’t care about school, right?”

“I mean–“

“I’m at the top of the Dean’s list with a full scholarship,” BamBam says curtly, his voice as sharp as a knife. “And if I’m not wrong, you are right under me.”

To say that you were surprised was an understatement. 

“But how do you carry the scholarship when you are barely even on campus?” You ask.

“Who said that? Because the only time I can recall missing class was last week, when I had a business meeting, and my first semester during Freshman year, when I had to fly home for my brother’s wedding.” As BamBam explained things to you, you couldn’t help but notice his hands, fidgeting with each other; is he nervous? 

“The truth is, I’ve noticed you for a while now,” He mumbles with a shy smile, his cheeks blushing, and you swear you’ve never seen such an adorable man before. “People always assume the wrong thing about you, too, so I thought that– I don’t know, I thought that you’d get me. Jackson hyung and Jinyoung hyung always tell me these great things about you, and how you never back down even when you’re struggling and I thought that maybe we could be friends… or something more.”

What?

“But then you’ve never even looked at me,” The sadness you felt from his voice was killing you. “You barely even talked to me, even when you had to talk to everyone for that one field trip… I have to admit, I was kind of hurt. The girl I was crushing on hated my guts, and I didn’t even know why.”

“BamBam,” You gasp, reaching to touch his arm, but he is quick to evade your hand. When his eyes met yours, you swear you were about to break down; the vulnerability, the hurt, the anger. You could see everything. “I’m so sorry.”

“Well, it’s too late now,” He smiles a tight closed-lip smile and you feel your heart breaking. “I’m tired of stuck up people trying to prove they are better then me. I run my own business, that is, by the way, going really well. I have amazing grades in school. I have friends that I can count as if they were my own family. I don’t need anything else.”

“You might not need it,” You say as he gets up. “But you want it. I know you do.”

“What I want clearly doesn’t matter,” He scoffs, walking to the door. “I’m going inside. You should go soon; I know you hate crowded places.”

You feel a weight on your shoulders, and then he’s gone.

When Jinyoung finds you, about an hour later, you were still crying. 

When Jinyoung takes you home, with promises of a better tomorrow, you are still wearing BamBam’s jacket. 

And when Jinyoung finally leaves, worried and defeated, you are already asleep, hand clutching the jacket that you refused to leave behind.

--------------------------------------------------

aaaahhh my first true angst! it felt weird to leave it like that, so I will probably write a part 2! what do you all think? part 2 or nah? Let me know! Love you all and thanks for the endless support <3

[deprssivewriter]

Errors in general and Nye in particular

Thanks to the best bro for motivation (even though you did it unconsciously).

It’s time to talk about concept and characters, yeah. Although today I will pay attention to the most unprocessed of them.

A brief digression: once upon a time there was a boy of fourteen years old and he wanted characters with angel wings. But he not only had given up on the wings, and he'd given the race the stupid name "Errors," and by the time he was twenty, he hadn't come up with anything better. So, in addition to the wings, Errors each have their own curse (there are only a few types, but more on that later). Accordingly, when they are severely or mortally wounded, the curse consumes them (who understood thay understood, who did not understand they will understand). However, even after the resurrection, the curse does not immediately go away, it torments the wearer for another couple of days (depending on the circumstances), while the body slowly recovers. Errors are born rarely from ordinary people, parents see the wings from birth, even though they are like in a hidden state. By the age of 3-4, Errors awaken their first powers, including their wings, and they can no longer keep them hidden, so for the next few years everyone can see their wings until they learn to control them. We continue to develop my insanity, Errors are immortal. You can kill them only by pulling out their wings, all other methods of killing lead only to rebirth. By the way, the Error itself can not pull out the wings, either, they will grow back in this case. It seems that all the most important things are indicated.

Let's go back to the one I originally wanted to write about. Nye. Initially, he was envisioned as a completely neutral character, but quickly enough something went wrong, and he became an asshole, which probably difficult to find. But a recent conversation with bro made me think about him. I really wanted to write something, and I asked her if she wanted to see something from the life of a certain character. She also said that she wanted Nye and Jack(another Error) to meet for the first time, and I was a little upset. It was in my mind in general terms, but I never thought about this moment in detail, however, as well as about Nye. Among all my characters, he is the only one who does not have a prototype from real life. Somehow, he just happens to exist on its own. Among other things, somehow it turned out that he was fucking special. In theory, the first Error appeared due to a freaking major failure in genetics, according to the theory, all the genes there should have been recessive (I'm not a biologist, so I don't quite understand what I'm saying, I warn you right away). Nye, in turn, was born an albino, which is also a fucking glitch in genetics, and with it came a new curse that no one had before. Nye is currently the only carrier of it (and probably the only one, I don't think that he wants to have a child). So, when I thought about him, I tried to put aside all my negative attitude towards him, and realized that in fact he is very strong, and it is quite possible that he was so twisted because of life. He had to deal with all this shit himself (Errpr’s powers, I mean). And even when he was able to find some information, he still had his curse, which no one had ever seen before. And I will remind you that he is an albino, so he periodically got severe sunburn. I also remind you that the curse begins to work when the wearer is seriously injured. His curse is carnivorous butterflies (yes, what will you do to me). They eat away at the place where the wound is, which is accompanied by hellish pain and not the most pleasant sight, in the case of death, the butterflies eat him completely, while he remains conscious for as long as possible (when I imagine what pain he is experiencing, I already wince). And to avoid suffering, he was able to subdue his own curse, which also happened for the first time in the history of Errors.

Nye has learned to spray his body on butterflies and thus travel long distances in a very short time, he has to wear a black cloak so that the sun can not burn him, and in case of which people do not see his rotten, butterfly-eaten flesh. Also, since some butterflies are extremely good at mimicry, he has learned to use them to turn into any person, which is also a great achievement. Let's go back almost to the beginning of the post, where I mentioned Jack. Nye took him away from his family around the age of 7 to take care of him, so that he would not face the same difficulties as Nye himself. Only Jack's family was good, they loved their son, even too much, perhaps even considered it a blessing that their son was an "angel". But Nye took him anyway. My main character, has a theory that maybe Jack's parents were part of a cult that hunted her once (ugh, in short, Error’s feathers are important shit and that very sect catches them as children until they can't control their wings), or at least were going to give it to them, and all their love is ostentatious, so that Jack does not master the ability to hide his wings for as long as possible. Given that I still haven't refuted this theory, it's possible that this is true, and Nye actually saved him (let's skip the point that after a dozen years, he began to treat him). I'm all for what, maybe Nye is just broken, like almost all of my characters. Yes, compared to someone else (I'm talking about the main OC, yes, her name is Tie), his suffering and pain are not so large-scale, but we all have a different psyche, none of us consists of iron or something harder. In addition, in the end, after almost a decade from the main events, Nye still comes to his senses and realizes that he behaved like an asshole.

Up to this point, I have not had any sketches with Nye, except for some very short snatches from the plot, because it is very difficult. It is extremely difficult for me to think like Nye from events of present, he is extremely adept at mixing lies with the truth, so that in the end you involuntarily begin to believe him.

"You know, I almost feel sorry for her. She has everything and nothing — no friends, no homeland, no family… She is a proud person, she never gives up, but her very contempt for death speaks volumes. She has nothing to lose, and she wants nothing but her own death, and she won't get it. Tie is smart enough to understand this and more… She hates us, fights with us, but even so, she understands that the truth is on our side. By blood, she is a person, but by birth she is tied to Errors and **. ***, Yuzuru, and even ****** can be forgiven and accepted. Tie — no, because the hatred of the traitor and betrayal is stronger than the arguments of reason… She knows how to show that she does not care, but she is a living being. She proved to everyone that she was ready to be the best, but it wouldn't change anything… She will live her life with the stamp, so she does not fall in love. Whatever she is, she is afraid that her children will turn out to be Error and live the same life. That they'll live in hell... "The good has sharp fangs" ... that's what Tie once said. Her drinking with *******, her friendship with demons, her lack of fear… God, everyone is afraid, even me, but Tie is not… She seeks her own death, and finds someone else's, " Nye said softly.

I'm sorry, some of the words are censored (?), because I'm not ready to talk about someone’s names yet. Let's go back to the other one. Will you be able to figure out where the lies are and where the truth is, without knowing anything about Tie?

While the real Nye is hard for me, I have a good understanding of the Nye of the future and, as it turned out, of the past. And all this demagoguery I spread only for the sake of the second.

When the curse first consumed me, I didn't immediately understand what was happening. Gradually, the white butterflies of “death" were killing me. I knew I was turning into food for them, but I couldn't help it. I just lay there helplessly, watching as they gradually absorbed my flesh and reached my bones. Everything happened very slowly, and I was conscious until they got to my heart.

But even after the rebirth, they have not disappeared. I didn't want to go through that excruciating pain again, I didn't want to be [eaten] again.

I tried not to get hurt, but it's very difficult, so I started wearing a black raincoat in all weathers to keep the burns to a minimum. That's something.

But in battle, it is more difficult to avoid a blow or even death. In one of these I do not know how, but just for a couple of seconds, I turned into a flock of butterflies, with the help of which I was able to avoid a blow. It wasn't a pleasant feeling, but it struck me. And ever since, I've been haunted by the thought that it's Me who can control my curse, not it.

With small steps, I began to master it, first scattering the individual parts of the body, getting used to the sensations and control over each of the butterflies. Then it was more difficult, it was necessary to learn not only to scatter the whole body, but also to spend as much time as necessary in this state. It's very energy-intensive, but I'm sure it will pay off for me.

Maybe with this ability, I can become something special, something more…

[sooibian]

Mortal Combat

(Chanyeol - Fluff)

Requested by Anon 🌼 Hi! I love your work and wated to make a request if you taking one 🙈 can you write something with Chanyeol where he and reader decides to rise up some classes and get a new hobby but after a couple of sessions they both give up .. only if you have time 😅 thank you !

***

While your boyfriend had (in)famously come to be known for his ceaseless passion, you were quite the opposite. Quite simply, if you were an animal you'd probably be a sloth - adorable but lethargic.

2020 beckoned a shift in your attitude. You vowed to get fitter and who better than Park Passion to help you achieve your goals.

"Chanyeol, I've been thinking", you said to him over breakfast one morning, "that I want to try my hand at Muay Thai"

He choked on his coffee, "Muay Thai?"

You were disappointed with his lukewarm response. By now he should be dialling numbers, fixing appointments with trainers, et al!

"Yes, jagi", you responded slowly and deliberately, "Muay Thai"

His face scrunched up in an attempt to stifle a laugh.

After a pregnant pause you continued, barely audible, "And you're free to join"

"I'd love to!" He almost jumped out of his chair in excitement.

***

6 a.m. sessions - thrice a week.

6 a.m.! Every fiber of your being was regretting it already. On day one, Chanyeol had to use a nightmarish method to rouse you – he slid an alarm (made exclusively for hopeless cases such as yourself) under your pillow which shook you awake. Your barely conscious self could also hear a panicked, muffled, raspy broken record of “Baby! Wake up, wake up! We’re running late!”

***

Day one involved a lot of subtle sprinkles of criticism from the trainer on your form, posture, appalling lack of flexibility and your resting bitch face. You were glad there wasn’t anyone other than Chanyeol around to witness your humiliation. Then again, why would there be? Who in their right mind would sacrifice a peaceful slumber for an hour in hell! All of it was Chanyeol’s fault. Did he really have to be flawless at everything? And this was only the first session. Couldn’t he at least pretend to stumble and fall as well to knock some sense into the trainer that roundhouse kicks are a terrible idea for day one? Instead, he perfected them on the fifth try while being on guard to catch you every time you wobbled.

And what on earth was he so happy for this early in the morning!

***

You left every one of those first training sessions with a burning sensation in your muscles that developed into muscle soreness over the next couple of days. But you didn’t complain. Ten sessions in - you didn’t need a ridiculous alarm to wake you and you were actually learning to enjoy the sport. Fifteen sessions in – you’d grown leaps and bounds at perfecting various techniques and even earned a compliment from the trainer on how agile and alert you had become. Twenty sessions had you fantasizing about living a double life as a vigilante.

The following week, the trainer announced a sparring session between Chanyeol and you. You could practically see the fire in his eyes and the steam coming out of his ears as you drooled over the chance of kicking hi ass.

***

Over dinner, that evening, you decided to intimidate your opponent. You ditched your baggy night suit for a pair of shorts and a tight black t-shirt to show off your well defined muscles. Your hair tied up in a sleek pony-tail, you added a dark line of kohl along the edges of your eyelids – just for effect.

“Don’t go easy on me”, you said in a mock deep voice, fluttering your eyelashes. Slowly you leaned in to place a gentle kiss on his forehead.

He pulled you closer locking you in the firm grip of his legs. One hand circled the small of your back while the other grabbed your hand and put it on his chest. "Very femme fatale. See what you do to me, baby?", he breathed, studying your face intently, "I'm not going easy on you. Not tonight."

***

You could get just as competitive as Chanyeol, if not more. And of that he was aware. He practised every move in the book - every free second of every day while you came from the Bruce Lee school of thought - practising the few moves you knew best ten thousand times.

***

You went to bed earlier than usual on the day before the match. The trainer called it a sparring session - but to Chanyeol and you, it was a match. And if you won, you were going to seriously consider the vigilante life.

Chanyeol called, saying that he'd be spending the night at the studio. You merely chuckled. You knew he'd practise all night. Which would ultimately play to your advantage. Sure one needs strength to win but what good would strength do if you lack focus?

***

Putting your mouthpiece in, you gave Chanyeol a snarky sideway look. Anticipating an even sassier response, you were completely taken aback when he walked up to you to tighten your hand wraps and help you with your gloves. He engulfed you in a hug, kissed the top of your head. "Be careful, baby", he said sweetly.

You felt a pang of guilt, "Give it your best", you chirped, putting on your helmet.

"Don't you worry about that, sweetheart" he grinned, patting your helmet, "by the end of it you're going to be begging for mercy"

***

You'd caught Chanyeol off guard and used a body lock to tie him up in a very uncomfortable position - your hands tightly squeezed right below his ribcage. It was getting harder for him to get out of your grip without badly injuring you.

But at this point you didn't care. You were here to win.

"ENOUGH! STOP IT! NOW!", the trainer yelled pulling you away from Chanyeol. He threw his hands up in despair and walked out of the room, angrily muttering something along the lines of this not being a contest.

Ignoring him, Chanyeol and you lay on the floor, panting. After a while you inched closer to him. He stretched out his arm - your makeshift pillow.

"I'm done with this", you mumbled staring into space.

"So am I. Let's go home. We'll order in", he said squeezing you in a hug.

[dexfsoul]

Tongue Tied {Johnjaeyong) Pt. 1

Pairing: Taeyong x Johnny x Jaehyun

Summery: In which Jaehyun is planning out how to confess to his best friend and his best friend’s boyfriend that he’s in love with the both of them. Meanwhile the Johntae couple is talking about how crazy it would be if they asked Jaehyun to join their relationship, they’d never do that, haha….unless?

Word Count: 1.9k 

The keys shook in Jaehyun’s hand. One hour until their plane landed. One hour until Jaehyun possibly ruined the greatest friendship he’s ever had, but not saying anything was tearing him apart. One hour until his best friend Johnny and Johnny’s boyfriend, Taeyong, gets back from their vacation to Johnny’s childhood hometown, Chicago. 

Jaehyun was stupid, so stupid, Johnny has just taken Taeyong to his childhood home, they were in love, and Jaehyun was confessing to them for what? He wasn’t expecting them to return the feelings, and he definitely wasn’t hoping for them to break up, he just doesn’t know anymore. Jaehyun unlocked his car before climbing in. He started the car up, but didn’t move anymore after that. He stared straight ahead at his apartment complex unblinkingly. Hopefully they’ll let him down easily, that way his hopes would be crushed, but not enough to shatter him completely. He doesn’t know why he allowed himself to get deluded into thinking they might feel the same anyway; he knew Taeyong’s lingering touches meant nothing and Johnny’s sweet words and soft touches were nothing but friendliness, but Jaehyun’s mind became too clouded with the affection and he not only let his feelings for Johnny grow more, but let new ones form for Taeyong. He must be an attention whore, that’s all there is to it. Jaehyun finally reversed his car out of the parking space and started off in the direction of the airport. He’s not even sure how this all started. He met Johnny in high school and the pair instantly clicked, despite Johnny being two grades above him. People used to joke that they were connected at the hip, they went and did everything together. Jaehyun fell for him the moment the taller boy glanced his way, and his feelings stuck around for the rest of their high school days. Jaehyun ignored it the best he could, but eventually Jaehyun allowed his hopes to get up, his graduation night.

They had decided to skip out on all the parties, Jaehyun was never a big fan of them. (Johnny was, but he’d do anything to make Jaehyun happy, and if skipping out on the biggest party of the year was the way to do it, then so be it.) Instead they spent their night at Jaehyun’s house, building a fort out of cardboard boxes that were supposed to be used to pack up Jaehyun’s stuff for university. They had put on a movie that was quickly forgotten about as the two engaged in conversation. The topic soon went to Johnny blushing while recalling how awkward his first kiss was. 

“It was awful- stop laughing!- I didn’t know I was gay! It’s not my fault!” 

Jaehyun was giggling at Johnny’s story, but turned red once he heard the following sentence. 

“What was your first kiss like?” 

Admitting to his crush that he’d never kissed anyone isn’t the worst thing Jaehyun’s ever done, but it’s definitely on the list. He was in the middle of rambling out an excuse when he was stopped by a pair of lips pressing against his. When Johnny pulled back his face was just as shocked as Jaehyun’s, but he quickly covered it up with a smirk. 

“There, now you’ve had your first kiss, you can stop rambling.” 

They never brought the kiss back up again. That didn’t stop Jaehyun’s mind from wandering back to it every now and then, and he wondered whether Johnny sometimes thought back to it as well. 

Jaehyun, of course, decided to attend the same university as Johnny. They weren’t, however, able to pick their own roommates. Johnny had taken a year off, so while this was supposed to be his third year, it was only his second, and the year before he had gotten paired with a Thai exchange student named Ten. Jaehyun was not looking forward to meeting his roommate. Johnny had gotten lucky with his roommate, but there was no guarantee that he wouldn’t get a crazy person that would try and murder him. 

His worries soon vanished as, he didn’t get a murderer, he got paired with Lee Taeyong, a second year that, like Johnny, had taken a year break. Jaehyun and Taeyong became quick friends, but Taeyong and Johnny became more. Even though Johnny was his crush, Jaehyun couldn’t dislike Taeyong, not when he was so nice, and always tried to include him, and gave nice hugs, and was so, so pretty, and- oh fuck. As if having feelings for your best friend wasn’t bad enough, Jaehyun now had feelings for his best friend’s boyfriend too. He never mentioned his feelings to either of them, but all of their friends they gained along the way caught on, especially Kim Doyoung, who had a ‘put up or shut up’ attitude about the whole thing. 

A whole year of Doyoung telling him to just confess and Jaehyun finally had enough of it, what did he have to lose anyway? His original plan was to confess before they left, but he scrapped that after deciding that possibly ruining their couples vacation before it even started was a bad idea, but he can’t back out now. 

Jaehyun’s heart rate picked up as he parked at the airport. His hands shook as he closed the door and locked the car, almost dropping his keys in the process. He spotted Taeyong’s pastel pink hair immediately upon entering the building. Taeyong and Johnny both broke into grins once they saw him and began running over to him. Well, here goes nothing. 

~*~ 

Taeyong was surprisingly not tired even after twelve hours in a plane. 

“Only one hour left,” He grinned. 

Johnny only nodded in response, mind foggy with sleep. 

“So,” Taeyong hummed, snuggling his head against Johnny’s shoulder. “That friend of your’s, Noah, that relationship he’s in with two girlfriends, that’s interesting.” 

Taeyong had been trying to think of a way to bring up that type of relationship for awhile now, it just so happens that Johnny's friend was the perfect lead-up.

Johnny adjusted slightly so that he was facing his boyfriend and lifted an eyebrow, “Is there something wrong with it?” 

“No, no, that’s not what I meant,” Taeyong explained, “I think it’s really interesting, the dynamics of it and all.” 

Johnny smiled slightly, “Are you trying to tell me you wanna try it out?” 

Taeyong crinkled his nose, pretending to be deep in thought, “I don’t know, maybe if we met the right person.” 

“Ah,” Johnny teased, “So you don’t have someone in mind?” 

“I don’t know,” Taeyong mumbled, “Okay, if we had to pick one of our friends, who would it be?” 

“Are you asking me which of our friends I would willingly fuck?” 

“Yes.” 

Johnny burst out into laughter, “That’s a tough one.” 

“No it’s not,” Taeyong scoffed playfully. 

“Oh, so you think you know which of our friends I’d want to be in a polygamous relationship with?” 

“Well, yeah, Jaehyun.” 

Way to be subtle, Tae.

Johnny’s smirk fell, his cheeks dusting over with pink. He furrowed his eyebrows and chuckled nervously. 

“Why him? Jaehyun’s my best friend.” 

Taeyong sighed, and leaned back against his seat, throwing his hands around to further his point, “Cause, you know.” 

Johnny shook his head, “No, I don’t.” 

“Johnny, come on,” Taeyong grinned lazily. 

“What?” Johnny asked defensively. 

“You think I’m not aware that you’ve had feelings for him the entire time we’ve been dating?” 

Johnny’s hands went ice cold. He couldn’t deny that Jaehyun held a piece of him, but he loved Taeyong. He loved Taeyong so much, and it’s not like he ever had a chance with Jaehyun in the first place. 

“I can’t um-” Johnny stumbled over his words, playing with Taeyong’s slender fingers. “You don’t deserve to be lied to, so yes, I do feel something for Jaehyun, but I love you, and if in some strange other dimension, Jaehyun felt the same towards me, it’d still be you, I’d choose you.” 

Taeyong took the opportunity being handed to him and inhaled deeply, grabbing Johnny’s hand in his own, “Who said you’d have to choose?” 

“What?” 

“What I’m trying to say,” Taeyong started, his nerves jumping about, “is that I’m not mad at you for having feelings for him, because how couldn’t you?” 

Johnny expression formed into one of understanding and relief. 

“Jaehyun, he’s- he’s something else,” Taeyong sighed, gazing down with eyes filled with adoration, “I fell for him the moment he walked into the room, and when you visited later that day, I knew I was fucked ‘cause the same happened with you. I was crazy about the both of you, and when you asked me out I thought my feelings for Jaehyun would fade, but they never did. Yours didn’t either, huh?” 

Johnny shook his head, “No, they didn’t.” 

“Well, we’re both fucked then,” Taeyong giggled. 

Johnny grinned in response, “I guess so.” 

“Unless,” Taeyong had that look on his face that meant he had a plan. 

“Oh boy,” Johnny groaned. 

“We could ask him to join us?” 

“And if he says no?” Johnny quirked an eyebrow. 

“Then we pretend it never happened,” Taeyong said determinedly, crossing his arms across his chest proudly. 

“This is a bad idea,” Johnny mumbled, "Isn't it too sudden?"

“Maybe,” Taeyong agreed, “but what do we have to lose?” 

“Jaehyun,” Johnny answered. 

Just then the plane’s signal went off saying they were about to land. 

“Jaehyun’s not like that, he wouldn’t ditch us over something like this. Plus, I know he at least likes you,” Taeyong spoke, a tinge of jealousy lacing his voice. 

“Yeah right,” Johnny rolled his eyes, “He’s more likely to like you. Have you seen the way he acts whenever you touch him?” 

“He acts that way when you touch him too!” Taeyong exclaimed. 

“Doubt it,” Johnny mumbled. 

They didn’t get the chance to continue the argument as the plane had already landed. After gathering their suitcases, the pair made their way to the front where they were supposed to meet up with Jaehyun, who would be their ride home. 

“We should ask him today,” Taeyong suddenly spoke up. 

“Tae,” Johnny sighed. 

“Come on, it’s perfect. A confession after a separation.” 

Johnny rolled his eyes at his boyfriend’s dramatics. 

“Plus, if it goes wrong, we can leave with the excuse of ‘we’re tired’.” 

“You’ve got a point there,” Johnny agreed, “Fine, today, but you better hope this doesn’t go wrong.” 

“It won’t, I can feel it,” Taeyong reassured. 

Taeyong turned and excitedly tugged on Johnny’s sleeve. The couple broke out into grins upon seeing their third and quickly sprinted towards him. Johnny watched Taeyong practically knock Jaehyun over with the impact of his hug, so he just settled for going behind the pair and hugging the both of them. 

“Finally,” Taeyong grinned, “We missed our boy, you’re gonna have to come on the next vacation with us or we might die.” 

Luckily the subtle flirting wasn’t unusual for Taeyong, so Jaehyun just brushed it off with a giggle. 

“Whatever, stop with the dramatics.” 

Jaehyun released Taeyong, forcing the latter to let go of his death grip on the younger. Johnny let go of Taeyong, but stayed in place with his arms around Jaehyun’s waist. He bent over enough to rest his chin on Jaehyun’s shoulder. Jaehyun’s heart was malfunctioning. The pair were being extra clingy with him today, maybe distance does make the heart grow fonder? 

“I’m starving, can we get something to eat before we go home?” Taeyong pouted, giving Jaehyun his best puppy eyes. 

Before Jaehyun could respond, Johnny had cut him off.

“Tae, I’m tired,” The taller male groaned. 

“But-” Taeyong started. 

“How about,” Jaehyun cut the boy off before the couple started bickering, “I quickly pick up some takeout on the way, that way Tae can get his food, and Johnny can nap on the ride home?” 

“Okay!” Taeyong quickly agreed and Johnny nodded in agreement, snuggling further into Jaehyun’s shoulder. 

“Let’s go,” Jaehyun spoke softly, running his fingers through Johnny’s brown hair. 

Johnny reluctantly let go of Jaehyun and grabbed a hold of his bags. Taeyong shot him a quick wink. Well, here goes nothing. 

Part 2 

[thedankfaerie]

i am posting this here because i am tired of burdening my boyfriend with my feelings. this is a little nsfw. and this is my call for help. i dont know who to talk to anymore about this.

i need someone to hear what i feel

or at least, a free space to say what i feel 

im in a low place. i feel so awful about myself and my body and i hate this feeling. i hate that this time last year, i was so happy about the way i looked. i was working this awful job that had me so overworked and overtired and poorly treated that i skipped meals and slept through meals regularly... i lost so much weight from stress in just a year and was the skinniest i had ever been. mentally, i was not in a good place being exploited by my managers... but my self esteem re: my body was at a new level i never knew could exist for me.

last year, i felt powerful and confident about my body, and i expressed that through sexuality. i was fucking my ex that i still liked (i grew out of wanting him back, but he never did, and it was nice to have the upper hand). i was also fucking an old fwb that i stayed friends with, that was also recently single, so we reunited again at the perfect time. i was also seeing this one guy (now my boyfriend) so if ever i got tired of the sex i at least was able to calm down and settle down with someone who genuinely wanted to know me. of course, i ended up catching feelings for this guy, and cut off the other two to pursue something more serious (we are now dating and are moving in together next month!) anyways, it was so nice to be wanted. to feel... i guess sexy? sex is empowering. and it shouldn’t be taboo to say that as a woman, or anyone really. i dont want to give off the message that a woman’s validation is fueled by men’s desire - but hey, don’t you feel flattered when someone thinks you’re attractive? desire and lust aren’t everything... but they matter. and they have an impact on how you feel about yourself, whether or not you believe me when i say that is up to you. 

 and i hate that i would gladly put myself through the stress that i did just to feel happy about my body. before the summer ended, i finally had enough and i quit my shitty job. i was jobless for a month, but was able to enjoy the rest of the summer with my new ‘skinny’ body - last year i took my first bikini picture ... a 2 piece! i have never done that. i still think about how happy i was that summer to look and feel good about myself. 

i have struggled with self esteem issues since highschool. i always felt like i was too big. i used to follow all these blogs of pretty people and try to copy their poses to feel pretty and i used to spend hours after school trying on short dresses and clothes to stare at my body in the mirror. i used to starve myself to the point of literally wanting to faint on the daily, until finally i admitted it to one of my teachers. she respectfully asked if i wanted to speak with the school guidance counsellor, and i declined. but she encouraged me to speak up to at least a friend, so i did, and it helped, and for a long time, i was okay. after i graduated that teacher still checked up on me for a few years every now and again.

4th year university was when i realized how much i had let myself go. i was the heaviest i had ever been, it was my graduating year, i was looking for a job and was always worried about my grades. every time i was stressed or every time i needed to study i bought pad thai and bubble tea. a ritual. i didnt realize how much that had caught up to me until i saw old pictures of myself. at this point, i started my (shitty) job, straight out of graduation.

i actively avoided scales, i didn’t like looking at the number because it just made me upset. and i already felt upset looking in the mirror, i didn’t need something else to make me upset. but i did. and i was 20 pounds heavier than i was in highschool - the heaviest i had ever been.

i cried.

i didnt do much about it. i was too busy. my first job out of uni was a brand new daycare and i was head teacher of a toddler class - also i was the only staff on floor since there were not as many kids. there was nobody to train me, at all. i had to teach myself everything. i had no time. 

a little while before starting the job, i met this guy. he was so hot, but such a dick - we had a “thing” but it was so toxic. he started off interested in me, but i turned him down. his attitude changed and he started being a douche, but we became friends because we were seeing each other so often. i didn’t have a car yet. he was driving me everywhere. he lived 5 minutes away. he was the type of friend that would text me “im outside, lets go out”. we hung out as friends at first, we would have “study dates”, until we started hooking up. we acted like a thing but he denied we were ever one - but got mad at me whenever i tried to look elsewhere. but i guess in that time, it was nice to be wanted, especially by someone so attractive. 

but again, a year in that shithole job went by fast. i would stay late after work. i would come in on weekends. i was expected to not only help new kids transition, but train new partners. and given that my supers refused to support me, i watched a lot of people quit due to pressure. i had to keep retraining. and kids kept coming. that never stopped. i can honestly say my class wasn’t settled until december, and i started in september. everyday it was ‘its fine, it will get better’. 

a year in that shithole, with 0 support, and i lost all the weight i gained - and more. i was the skinniest i had ever been. even in highschool. i looked at old pictures of myself from when i started the job at my heaviest. i couldnt believe that was me. and i was so happy looking at myself in the mirror. for once! 

after i quit that job, i started another job that i hoped would be a happy ending.

and it wasn’t. it stressed me out just as much. i also moved out by this point, a month after i started this job. my hours are whack. 7-9, 11:30-6. i woke up early and got home late. i never had free time. my last shift at my old job was 7-3:30 and i had the whole day to myself. im someone that needs social interaction and alone time, and by the time i got home i was so tired, i would just cook, clean, shower, and go to bed. and that was my life. sometimes i would get so tired that i couldn’t cook, i just went and ate out. i tried to make personal time with my friends after work but by the time i reached their house, it was late, and places were closed. and id have to leave early anyways because i had work early the next day... so fast food was the only way to make this work. on top of this, this was the most difficult class that i had ever had. the kids behaviours’ were so difficult and i couldn’t handle it. i would cry in my car 3x a week. i would cry 4 minutes before my shift starts in the washroom and walk out and pretend i was okay. i would have my boyfriend come over as much as i could just so i could cry in his arms. i couldnt leave this job because i had just moved out and having a consistent rent payment was a huge responsibility for me. as well, if you know anything about ECEs in canada, just know we make shit pay. but this job pays me better than most ECE jobs... by a landslide. AND gives me benefits, which is so hard to find. i am still at this job - i was at my breaking point at the time covid started, so i was rejoicing when we closed for covid. i havent worked since march, but i needed that time off so desperately. 

with that being said, i gained the weight back.

not everything, but i definitely could tell i was packing on some pounds.

cue covid.

i havent worked since march. i fell back into a lazy routine of ordering fast food. lying in bed. resting. just enjoying NOT dealing with my difficult class. 

but i gained it all back. and i think im back at my heaviest weight. i picked up all my summer clothes from last year from my moms... half of them dont fit me. my favourite pair of shorts won’t close. i just sat and cried in a mess of clothes on my floor in front of the mirror. this was last week.

im trying to tell myself, ‘you’re in the middle of a global pandemic, go easy on yourself’... but do you know what it’s like to finally get what you’re chasing, and have it be taken away from you? i finally had a taste of what it was like to look AND feel good about myself. something ive wanted since i was a teenager...and it’s gone. it’s my fault and i accept that, so please don’t tell me i did this to myself. i know i did. but i can still be upset about it. i look in the mirror and i try to suck my stomach in and pretend nothing changed but its not the same. i see old pictures of myself, especially that bikini pic. ironically, i captioned it “i will never have the confidence to take a bikini pic again”... and here we are. i look at the clothes i wore last year and remember how fucking good i felt wearing them. i try putting them back on and seeing my stomach bulging and my arms looking fat and my love handles, something i didn’t see last year. and i just take them off and opt to wear something frumpier that doesnt hug my figure.

i try to tell people about how i feel but i cant take those ‘love yourself and all your flaws’ campaigns seriously. i dont think i can listen to another ‘you have to just keep faking it until you make it and if u just tell urself ur beautiful u will feel beautiful!’

because if you’re me, you know you cant kid yourself. if you’re me you can’t ‘love every flaw’. you fixate on them. and you let them define you. and if youre me, flaws are all you see.

i hate myself for getting back to this point. 

i have a very supportive boyfriend that knows about all this, who is trying to actively get me to go on runs with him. we are trying to go for walks more and be out and about. he reminds me of little things, like if we are getting bubbletea he will suggest i go with less sugar. he is trying, we are trying. and i appreciate him so much.

today i complained in my car about this to my boyfriend, again. for the millionth time. and he still was supportive. but i just feel like i cant keep doing this to him. he said something today, which i think was him trying to give me a reality check to show me that i cant just wish i could starve myself and overwork myself to lose weight and call it a day... but it stung. he said “i don’t want to be with someone that’s not healthy. i have standards too” and i realized then he deserves so much better than to fucking babysit my complaining ass. i am 24. and i shouldnt be putting this on him. he is an adult with problems just as real as mine and i shouldnt be burdening him with this anymore. 

im scared to talk to him about how that comment made me feel, because he’s so right, and he has every right to leave me. i would honestly. the amount that i worry and fixate on all my flaws and complain and have crying breakdowns about this is not fucking normal. and it shouldnt be his problem. i just want him to be with someone that doesnt give him this baggage. he met me in my ‘prime’ days when i just started getting my skinny body last year. when we finally started dating, we were super sexually active. and i mean, having sex like 15 times a week. im not kidding. now we havent had sex in almost an entire month. i dont feel sexy anymore and its impacting my sex drive.. he tries to start it with me and i just can’t because i feel like he is probably repulsed by my body. this is a huge huge huge problem, seeing as sex was a huge part of our relationship (we are very emotionally in tune with one another, but sex was a great addon because we both love it so much). i hate the way i look without clothes on. i cant bring myself to do it because it makes me feel like shit about myself.

but we are moving in together next month. and that is a huge step. and i am worried that i will never change, and he’s going to feel like he’s stuck with me because he’s moving 40 minutes away from his hometown to live with me. i almost want us to break up so he can be with someone with less baggage but i also love him and i want to be better for him and for us. 

someone please help me. 

[blasian-kpop]

My Silver Knight. (1)

Anonie asked:

Baekhyun sugar daddy scenario?

_________________________________________

At the age of 21 you were kicked out of your parents house after a confrontation.

Since you’re in college your parents allowed you to stay at home to finish college but the campus was more than an hour away. So, it became a habit that you wouldn’t come home sick for days on end. Living with you then boyfriend and is crappy apartment with his two other roommates became your home 30 minutes away from campus. Since you’re in college your parents allowed you to stay at home to finish college but the campus was more than an hour away. So, it became a habit that you wouldn’t come home sick for days on end. Living with you then boyfriend and his crappy apartment with his two other roommates became your home 30 minutes away from campus.

But your parents wanted to see you home more often than what you gave them. After a while it got so annoying that you just didn’t answer their phone calls anymore. One day, you got a voicemail from your mother, where she threatens to cut off all allowances for you, unless you came home. At the time you thought this was the most stupidest thing ever. ‘Why couldn’t you live your life without being chained down to your parents.’ You didn’t know, but all of this started a snowball effect where you went home and practically cussed at your parents for being too clingy.

“Cut the umbilical cord already”. You scream to your mother who looked at you with absolute shock. And in that same moment your father screamed in your face about your disrespectful attitude and how that you were no longer welcome at this home since you didn’t decide to live there. You packed up the rest of your things in your room when you left that same night. And you thought finally freedom but that wasn’t the case.

After the first month of having no disposable income, And your fruitless effort of finding a job, your boyfriend broke up with you as you couldn’t pay your way to live in his apartment. Of course it was his friend who convinced him to do this as they were all paying rent and you were kind of just freeloading. But he was kind enough to let you stay a couple of nights until you can find your own way. There was no scenario in your mind that would lead you back to your parents house, And do you didn’t want to be that person hopping from couch to couch but after a week your luck started to rise.

A close friend of yours (sasha) in College reached out to you after seeing you struggle in classes. You told her about the situation and she agreed to let you stay with her until you could get back on your feet. You are grateful, and in the same week you moved out of your exes three room apartment and into your sashas cozy little studio. The days went by and you still remained unemployed and collecting debt. You came across this website, it was for sugar daddies looking for sugar babies.

It seems stupid at first but as you considered it more and more it was actually kind of a smart idea. Acting as a companion for these older men in exchange for money, it was borderline prostitution but still legal because they weren’t paying for sex, they are paying for love.

So, you’re scrolling through this site day after day having conversations after conversation, when you finally run into this one guy who didn’t look that old but who knows. Byun Baekhyun was is his name. He looked 25 but his age said 37. That was hard to believe, but you message him anyways. If he was a catfish then you’ll just move onto the next right?

So you message him and he’s nothing but a gentleman in text form. But he’s very straightforward and blunt. Within the first few days of talking he already asked what your monthly expenses were and of course you didn’t know what to take and count for his monthly expenses as you didn’t pay for anything major. You barely had a car, splitting the rent in the studio apartment would’ve been easy as of already cheap, and because you didn’t have any income to begin with leisure spending wasn’t really the top thing on your mind. So he gave him a ballpark estimate of $35,000.

He explains to you that it was an a lot of money actually and that he’d be happy to pay that much maybe even rounded up to 40,000 a month. Soon after that he scheduled for you to to meet up at a Thai food restaurant that had the best tea ever. Friday at 6 PM, and he was very adamant that it was just going to be a short meeting.

So you go through your wardrobe and you find the most classiest outfit that you could find yet still casual. Nice black leather pants a pure white blouse and silver 5 inch block heels. Your friend asked where you going and for some reason you just wanted to keep this whole exchange it secret from her. She came from a very religious family and you didn’t know with what you were about to do was morally correct in her eyes and or if she would still allow you to live with her if she knew. Because as far as you knew this was still borderline prostitution.

So you tell her you going on an online date and told her not to wait up as you didn’t know if you’re coming home. You’re obviously joking but it produced a nice chuckle from the both of you. So you grab your keys and off you go to the state. As you get closer and closer to the location you get exponentially more nervous and suspicious about the authenticity of this whole exchange. What kind of crazy person pays someone else just to be around? How desperate does that make somebody? Isn’t this a fetish? So many questions went to your head and you singled out only if you to ask this me and once he saw him. You promised yourself that no matter what he looks like you were going to go through with it. But if he was a complete psychopath you’d be allowed the first chance you got.

You text him from the website telling him that you got here. He said to just walk inside and asked for bacon in the lead you to his table and that’s exactly what you did. Expecting the worse you get ready to put on a brave face as you meet this man but when you saw him you were stunned. He looked just as useful in his pictures his hair slicked back, face shave and clean, suit as sharp as ever. A nice silver suit with a metallic black shirt underneath and a gray tie. In a soon as he locked eyes with you he felt like nothing but pray. He just oozed dominance.

“ and you must be the little lady that I’m waiting for, huh?” He stands up to greet you giving you a handshake and pulling you into a hug. You are already nervous as it is so when you stumble over your words it just made it 1000 times worse. Now you’re embarrassed and nervous what a combination. “ you look stunning, I’m glad you stayed true to your photos, even on sites like those you can get catfish”

You chuckle at all of his words as you sit down. He’s a lot less blunt in person and seems to want to take things slow so he offers you a meal and you look through the menu order your food and as you’re waiting for it to come out he just makes the general conversation to learn more about you and to tell you about this whole arrangement that he has planned out.

And you asked your share of questions of course, like where he works? what he does on his free time? what he expects out of this relationship? And apparently he is a vice president for a PR industry and keeps up high disposable income by making investments in major companies.

“ so here’s how I’m thinking this can work out, we will meet at least once a week but will never meet at my house and I will never go to yours, but don’t worry will be in a very lavish environment nonetheless. But this exchange is more business than personal to me and I like to keep my personal life away from my business. You said you’re new at this rate?”

“ yeah, you’d actually be my first sugar daddy so you know, be patient with me, I guess” you say this was such a cool way that it releases a slight chuckle from his mouth as he replies “of course you’ll be treated well”

“ this arrangement can go as short or as far as we take it, and we won’t engage in anything new unless you’re comfortable with it. So make sure you’re communicating with me because even though I don’t want to force anything on you I do like surprising my little sugar babies all the time.” He smirks at you, and his staring just made you feel hot all over. Like what kind of power did this man have.

“ every meeting I’ll give you $10,000 and all you have to do is be nothing short of my cute little girlfriend”

“ I mean, you’re making this really hard to refuse. So I guess if you’re OK with taking things a bit slow at first then I’ll be all In” he’s excited to hear this and offers to drive you home. Do you deny this request but Thanks him for the meal that he paid for it anyways. You to exchange phone numbers so that you could confirm this relationship as official.

As he walks you to your car you contemplate it if this was the right way to go or not. Just then he stops you read as you make it to your car and spins you around.

“ trust me baby girl, I’ll make you the happiest that anyone ever could.” You are speechless and could only develop a shy smile as you look down to the ground. He grabs you cheeks gently and kisses you on the four head. It was so loving it made your heart skip a beat, he was so gentle.

“ thank you for this time, can’t wait to see you again.” You show your gratitude by giving him a hug before you get back into your car. And he walks away to his.

Before you get the chance to drive off you get a text from an unknown number. Undoubtably Baekhyun. “ get home safely baby girl, and make sure to text me when you get there. So I know you’re safe” you reply of couse and smile to yourself. This wouldnt be so bad after all.

_________________________________________

So it wasn’t until I finish this whole scenario that I realize the request was for a Text and not a scenario so I guess part two would just be text based with some scenario in it. Oh well.

Oh and sorry for any errors... i didnt proof read.

Bai for Now

[jamsque]

Bitterness in the Age of Fighting

I was excited when the first episode of Fighting in the Age of Loneliness appeared in my youtube feed last Monday, I’m willing to watch anything Jon Bois puts his name on right now. Most of his content is centered around American football and basketball and baseball, which is great, those are all sports I have watched at least semi-regularly at some point in my life, but for the past few years I’ve followed Mixed Martial Arts more closely than any of them. Felix Biederman, the writer and narrator of the show, was a new name to me: I know Chapo Trap House by reputation but the most I have ever heard of it is a few clips out of context.

That first episode did some strong establishing work to set the tone and context for the series, and then got to work telling the fascinating story of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and the Gracie family. It’s a story I know decently well, I think Felix did a good job of picking out the interesting characters and especially the moments of class struggle, and of course his words are backed up by the datawave audiovisual stylings of Jon Bois that we have come to know and love. The political ideas were more familiar and less interesting to me than the bits about fighting but I was curious to see how the show was going to try to draw connections and parallels between the rise of MMA as a spectator sport and the socio-political environment in which that rise took place.

I was engaged and I watched each episode as it came out through the week and by the end of episode four on Thursday I was starting to turn a little on the series. In this era of Youtubers with healthy Patreon support and good microphones I’ve gotten used to clear, smoothly edited, well recorded voice work and for me Felix’s narration falls short there, especially for a project with a major media company behind it. More than that, though, I was no longer on board with where the show seemed to be going, and I was worried that it would end on a sour note. I found myself agreeing with Felix’s political commentary but disagreeing more and more with his thoughts on MMA and the way he was choosing to frame the history of the sport.

The final installment disappointed me more than I had feared it might, enough to motivate me to make some kind of response to or critical reading of the whole series. Re-watching it with that in mind I (unsurprisingly) found more things I disliked. Fighting in the Age of Loneliness does an excellent job of telling the story of the ancestry, birth, rise, fall, second rise and anticipated second fall of the Ultimate Fighting Championship, but along the way it makes some pretty big missteps and takes some positions that I strongly disagree with. I’m not going to break down each episode individually but I do want to lay out the issues I have with the series and in particular dig in to the problems with the last episode. Towards the end I think I might even call Felix Biederman a fascist.

First, I want to provide some context for my own thoughts about MMA, and make some inferences and assumptions about Felix’s history with the sport that I think go some way to explaining why we see it quite so differently.

*

I am absolutely not a long-time hardcore Mixed Martial Arts fan, until relatively recently I didn’t have any interest in combat sports at all. Growing up in the UK around the turn of the millenium I was aware of boxing but only from a distance, it was already well on its way to fading from the forefront of the popular sporting consciousness, and my pacifist socialist middle-class parents certainly weren’t watching Mike Tyson fights. The first contact I had with what I would later know as MMA was a grainy video I remember watching on some pre-YouTube video sharing site as a teenager: a highlight montage of a man wearing black, red and white shorts kicking various different people in the head in various different boxing rings, with the same concussive effect each time.

I became more aware of the modern sport of MMA when I started noticing the UFC in mainstream sports media headlines around 2014. Three names kept appearing in those headlines: Jon Jones, for running into things with cars, Conor McGregor, for running his mouth, but most of all Ronda Rousey, for running through every challenger the UFC put in front of her. I suspect that there are a lot of newer MMA fans who, like me, were swept up in the hype surrounding Rousey and McGregor during that time, and stuck with the sport after they finally broke their respective winning streaks and came back down to earth.

Three years later even though I watch MMA most weekends and even though I have become almost as fascinated as Felix Biederman seems to be with the history of the UFC, the people who have fought in it, and the things that they have done to each other, I still consider myself a ‘casual’ fan. This is at least partly because when I think of ‘real’ or ‘hardcore’ MMA fans, I think of people like Felix, who have been around the sport for a lot longer and are, at best, skeptical about the results of its most recent jump in popularity.

Felix doesn’t explicitly talk about the genesis of his interest in the sport but there are hints in the text. The general tone of the piece goes from being detached and historical in the first episode to personal and emotional in the last, which I think is both a deliberate choice on Felix’s part and a reflection of his own experience. The third episode, when his narrative reaches the mid-2000s, is when I think it transitions from learned history to memory, and it’s around here that Felix starts making frequent references to goings on in MMA fan culture. If I’m correct then Felix Biederman has been following MMA for at least a decade longer than I have really known what it was. He has had the time to become emotionally invested in fighters and even the UFC as an organisation in ways that I am not, and of course his initial views on the sport were formed a relatively long time ago. MMA fights in 2018 don’t look all that different than they did in 2005 but the UFC has certainly changed a lot in that time, as have public awareness of and attitudes towards a new generation of combat sports stars.

*

That decade and a half of change in the UFC is the real focus of Fighting in the Age of Loneliness, but it presents itself as something much broader. The first episode is titled ‘The Invention of Fighting for Money’ and in it Felix makes a lot of sweeping statements about the past that don’t hold water. He very much tells the winner’s version of history, the narrative favoured by the UFC and the Gracie family, who would have you believe that they invented not only the modern sport of MMA but somehow the very idea of fighting itself. Felix remarks on the marketing and promotional skills of Rorion Gracie in the second episode without seeming to realise quite the degree to which he has himself fallen prey to them, and he also comes across as having the slightly fetishistic attitude towards East Asian martial arts that has become common in the USA over the past half century or so.

As he transitions out of the prologue, Felix says “the true catalyst for MMA as a sport, business and spectacle go back to Japan”, and when he goes on to describe the spread of Jujutsu from Japan to Brazil he says “after hundreds of years, Martial Arts had finally broken containment.” At the end of the series he proclaims that the “fourth era of fighting itself” is currently beginning and that the previous two ‘eras’ only lasted a handful of years each.

These generalisations don’t stand up to even the lightest scrutiny. The history of Martial Arts or combat sports or fighting or whatever term you care to use goes back much farther than feudal Japan, and some of the other things Felix says imply that he is at least partially aware of this. As he is giving his starry-eyed take on the life of Judo’s inventor he says “As long as there are people, they will at some point want the ability to keep someone from kicking their ass, no matter how unlikely it is that they will ever get into a fight.” It strikes me as particularly American that his argument in favor of combat sports being inherent to human society is based on the concept of self-defence. I prefer a line of reasoning that is similar but based on competition: As long as there are people, they will at some point want to test their wits and skill and strength against each other.

Indeed, the story as we know it of unarmed combat sports is as old as recorded history: there are images of wrestling in four thousand year old Egyptian tombs, and the classical Greek Olympics included an event called Pankration, which could be roughly translated as ‘fighting with all of your power’, that had an almost identical ruleset to early Ultimate Fighting Championship events.

Felix oversimplifies the history of fighting as a whole, but even if we just look at what he says about Mixed Martial Arts he gets it wrong. In episode one he says “The entire sport of Mixed Martial Arts owes its existence to Mitsuyo Maeda” and then in episode two he alleges that “A world where proto-MMA existed outside of gymnasiums in Brazil seemed pretty unlikely in 1976.” A corollary of my earlier statement might be that as long as there are people testing their wits and skill and strength against each other, there will be other people who think they can do it better. People have been pitting different schools of fighting against each other and amalgamating them long before the Gracie clan existed.

A decade before the date when Felix claims that mixed martial arts were confined to Brazil, Bruce Lee was blending Wing Chun with other styles to formulate Jeet Kune Do. A decade before that a Japanese Karateka was devising a ruleset which would eventually become Kickboxing to facilitate competitions between karate and Muay Thai. In the 40s the Kajukenbo school was founded in Hawaii with the goal of rigorously testing multiple fighting styles against each other to determine which elements of each were the most effective. In the 30s a Czechoslovakian Jew was refining the boxing and wrestling he had been taught in gyms into Krav Maga in brawls against anti-semitic thugs.

In Victorian London the Bartitsu school taught gentlemen a blend of five different fighting styles from around the world, while in the music halls exhibition matches pitted boxing against Savate. Savate was itself developed over the preceding century by efforts to find a middle ground between the heavy-booted street fighting style spreading from French ports and the Queensbury rules boxing that was popular in England.

Even the legend of the birth of Muay Thai, a fighting style which has had arguably as much influence on the modern sport of MMA as Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, is a story about mixed martial arts: when the Konbaung Dynasty of Burma captured a famous fighter during their battles with Siam in 1767, they offered him the chance to win his freedom if he could demonstrate the superiority of his Siamese boxing style against the Burmese school, which he promptly did by knocking out ten Burmese opponents.

Felix contradicts himself on this topic in the first episode when he describes Jigoro Kano studying western wrestling and sumo to augment his Jujutsu training and develop Judo. In the second episode when he says “In 1993 no one knew anything, and most people still thought that if you did karate the right way you could blow up somebody’s heart” he is obviously being facetious but he is also projecting his own ignorance outwards. There has always been fighting, all over the world, and there have always been evolving schools of thought about the best ways to fight and the best rules for fighting as a sport. The story of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and the Ultimate Fighting Championship is captivating but it is not, as Felix presents it, the only story about fighting. In this regard, as with others, he seems to have internalized the some of mystique that the UFC has cultivated around itself and its history.

*

Once the history lesson is over I think Fighting in the Age of Loneliness hits its stride and Felix’s passion for the Pride FC and UFC fights and fighters that drew him into the sport shines through in the writing and the narration. His criticisms of the ways that the UFC continues to underpay and otherwise mistreat its fighters are spot on and if anything he could have gone into its anti-union policies in more depth. Before I get to the final episode, there are a few smaller criticisms I want to get out of the way.

Firstly, I would like to have seen more about modern women’s Mixed Martial Arts in the show. I largely chalk this up to the difference in perspective on the sport between Felix and myself: a female fighter was what drew me to watch the UFC in the first place so my image of the sport is one that has always included women, whereas Felix got his start watching Pride, which had no female fighters, and an all-male era of the UFC. There were women competing in MMA at that time and a few exclusively female promotions but if Felix ever watched any of them he doesn’t mention it. In the end, Ronda Rousey gets a minute and a half, Joanna Jędrzejczyk gets about 30 seconds and Cristiane Justino gets a name check.

Rousey is the only female fighter to be mentioned outside of the quarantined WMMA portion of the show, and she comes up during a rather odd accusation of nepotism that Felix levels at Dana White, one which I have heard from other longer-standing UFC fans. I am no supporter of Dana’s and I’m not seeking to defend his character, but it seems far more likely to me that the reason the UFC put so many promotional resources behind Ronda Rousey and Conor McGregor is not, as Felix supposes, simply because Dana White personally liked those two fighters, but rather because he saw the opportunity to make a lot of money off of them, which he did. Dana is a fight promoter, he is notoriously fickle in his affections and the warmness he displays towards any given fighter is directly correlated to their ability to drive pay-per-view buys for his promotion.

I also think that there are some more straightforward explanations for the UFC’s success than the poetic ones that Felix understandably focuses on. The ideas of the UFC as a refuge for outcasts and the alienated, both as fighters and as fans, and the honesty of single combat in an age of uncertainty are clearly very thematically important to Fighting in the Age of Loneliness as a project. For me the series places too much importance on the role those things played in the current popularity of the sport and doesn’t put enough emphasis on, or even mention at all, some more mundane but more significant contributing factors.

The vacuum at the top of combat sports that was created when boxing all but collapsed under the accumulated weight of decades of corruption and promotional malpractice, and the brief but significant success that the WWE had with a grittier presentation of professional wrestling in the late 90s both set the stage for the rise of modern MMA in the USA. That rise was helped along by things like the value of the walk-off head kick knockout and the fourteen second armbar victory in the age of the highlight clip and the animated GIF, and the mix of astuteness and good fortune that led the UFC to put out a reality TV show featuring actual physical conflict at a time when programming was being dominated by reality shows based on exaggerating and continually re-hashing interpersonal squabbles.

*

At the end of episode four, titled “As the world fell apart, the only magic was in the cage”, Felix’s rhetoric about the things that happen during UFC fights reaches its most florid, mythological heights. Against a montage of post-fight embrace photographs he says “The magic that we wish we saw everywhere else was in the cage [...] At least there was one place where unthinkable things actually happened, at least if you put two weird people with incredible abilities in front of each other their combined experiences and opposing martial abilities would create a beautiful, maddening story.” I am not criticising Felix for being more captivated by the emotion and passion of fighting than I am but the praise and reverence which he lavishes upon his favourite period of the sport’s recent history at the end of the fourth episode clashes brutally with the way he starts the fifth.

“No-one is ever content to just like something, especially not nowadays”, he says. “We’re not just fans of things any more. We declare our media consumption habits to determine the types of people we are [...] now if someone doesn’t like something we like they hate us” These lines and the visuals that accompany them are presented as a barb aimed at the legions of TV personality and pop star fans bitterly defending their territory on social media. Although there is a hint of self-deprecation about this segment I don’t read much self-awareness here, mostly just old fashioned middle-class punching down at the popular culture of the working class.

In the way he frames what he views as the best period of the UFC’s history, Felix is himself engaging in, as he puts it, “battles that our millionaire entertainers will probably never give a shit about or even find out about”. He has taken to the field of the culture war to defend his memory of a past version of a massive, sinister entertainment company against the changes that he perceives to be ruining it.

Here is where the bitterness begins to creep in, and build. Felix starts talking about the insecurity of modern MMA fans and the sport’s image problem, but then he abruptly dispenses with those concerns and starts arguing that MMA should remain insular and niche. A this point he also waves a huge screaming red flag by describing Jon Jones as a “weird person�� who is “actually pretty fascinating once you get to know him” and who has “more depth than most would know”, but we’ll get to that later.

“Who gives a shit if we don’t have hundreds of millions of people watching with us every time, and why do we care if people think we’re fucked up or weird for watching it. We know what our sport is, and we know who we are [...] It’s our stupid violent insane spectacle sport for freaks and assholes that’s as legitimate or illegitimate as any other sport in the world. Well, at least it was ours at some point.”

I recognised this argument the moment I heard it. It sounds almost word for word like an insecure gamer defending video games as an art form and as a hobby that is just for real nerds and not the masses. I know that argument very well because I have been that insecure gamer in the past. In complaining that MMA is not “ours” anymore he has jumped from “if someone doesn’t likes something we like they hate us” to “if someone likes something we like for the wrong reasons they hate us”.

This is the tone that Felix adopts for the entire final episode, and he proceeds to decry three recent changes he thinks the UFC has made in an effort to bring the sport into the mainstream, changes that he declares as already being “to the detriment of the viewers, the fighters, and ultimately, [the UFC] themselves”.

The first is the Fox TV deal, of which his criticism is that it has led to too many fights and therefore too many fighters, but he doesn’t present any reasons why more fights has been a bad thing. He talks about how poorly the UFC compensates its rank-and-file fighters, which is a great argument for better fighter pay, but is not an argument for fewer paid fighters or fewer fight cards.

The second is the UFC’s apparel deal with Reebok, which he accurately assesses as a disaster for their fighters.

The third is drug testing, and for me this is where Fighting in the Age of Loneliness goes completely off the rails. The first thing he says in this segment is probably the only part of it I agree with: “the vast majority of your favourite athletes use steroids.”

*

Felix is right that the UFC asked the US Anti-Doping Agency to start testing its fighters more to provide an image of legitimacy than because they actually care about fair competition, but his main problem with the policy is that performance enhancing drugs are in fact cool and good. Earlier in the series he celebrates the way that Pride FC’s “loose medical oversight” and “pro-steroid policy” allowed its fighters to “consistently break laws of god and man,” now he gleefully exclaims that “Steroids are actually kind of amazing.”

“The human body is absolutely not designed to fight for 15 to 25 minutes, but steroids help make it work”. Felix provides no justification whatsoever for this claim, and it’s a ridiculous one that springs from the same myopic view of the history of combat sports that he expresses in the early episodes. To present just one counterexample, fighters in classical Greece did not have the benefit of modern nutritional science and training methods, let alone anabolic steroids, but the only time limit on Pankration bouts was sunset. Fights that last more than 25 minutes might not be the most fun to watch but they’ve certainly been happening since long before the steroid era.

Felix doubles down on this position. While he acknowledges that steroids “have their side effects” he asserts that “it is impossible to compete at the highest levels of fighting without some chemical help.” This is another absurd claim, he does try to back this one up but in doing so he immediately undermines it: “Talk to any retired fighter, and they’ll give a number anywhere from 75 to 90 percent of their former training partners juicing.” Rather than proving his point, this statement suggests that it is not at all impossible to compete at the highest levels of fighting without chemical help because at the very least ten percent of fighters are doing it. This scaled-back version of his original pronouncement does make the prospects of success seem pretty bleak for clean fighters, but Felix doesn’t care. He is happy to accept that if most fighters are doping then fighters need to dope to compete and therefore it is OK for fighters to dope.

USADA testing in the UFC has, in Felix’s opinion, fucked things up. There are a lot of very valid criticisms that he could make about the inconsistent way that the policy has been applied to different fighters or the odd ways it has conflicted and overlapped with state athletic commission testing policies or the lack of fighter engagement in the process of rolling out the program leading to confusion and uncertainty about the rules, but he doesn’t. Instead of talking about the massive unregulated supplement industry in the USA and the habit that some supplement brands have of ‘accidentally’ slipping a bit of the good stuff in their products to make sure that their customers get the gains they crave, he complains that fighters are being punished for “by-products of over the counter substances”. By-products and contaminants are not the same thing, I’m not sure if Felix just misspoke here or if he genuinely doesn’t understand the problem he is talking about.

He goes on to moan that the punishments for breaking the rules of the sport are longer under this new program. He doesn’t say why the longer bans are bad, just that the UFC has been ‘capricious’, and it seems obvious to me that the reason he disagrees with the longer bans is that he thinks PED usage is a good thing. Let’s address that idea.

There are two main reasons why I think performance enhancing drugs should be banned in almost all sports. The first is that PED use is bad for the long term health of athletes. We know that there are permanent negative effects associated with the use of anabolic steroids, and there are scores of other widely used PEDs that simply haven’t been around for long enough for the consequences of their use to be properly understood. It is possible to argue from this position for the regulation and standardisation of PED use in sports, and although I disagree with that line of reasoning I do think it has some merit, but there is no hint of this argument in Fighting in the Age of Loneliness.

I think the most practical way to prevent athletes from being incentivised to gamble with their future health for short-term gain, especially in a sport like MMA which already carries so much physical risk, is to ban the use of PEDs and enforce that ban with testing. Felix talks about steroids helping fighters to recover quickly from serious injuries, but I don’t think that is a worthwhile tradeoff to ask them to make, and I don’t think it would be a bad thing for the health of fighters if less prevalent PED usage meant that fewer of them had to endure the accumulated physical toll of fighting four or five times a year.

The second reason is a purely sporting one. The rules of all sports are arbitrary, but they usually constitute an attempt to delineate a competition that tests one particular set of skills and abilities in its competitors and excludes others. Chess is not designed to be a test of split-second reflexive reactions, 100 meter sprinting is not supposed to challenge your ability to predict the strategy your opponent is going to employ and prepare a counter-strategy, and as far as I am aware there is no sport that seeks to test its competitors ability to improve their bodies through medical intervention. I want the sports I watch to be fair competitions that are about what they are about, and Felix does too: he repeatedly praises the “truth” and “honesty” and “earnestness” of “what goes on in the cage,” but he fails to see how this contradicts with the idea of allowing the outcomes of fights to be heavily influenced months ahead of time by means of one fighter having access to less scrupulous, less restrained doctors than the other.

There is some nuance here around where you draw the lines between sports nutrition, necessary medical assistance and doping, but again Felix does not adopt a position so sophisticated. It’s been demonstrated in almost every popular sport that athletes with the help of an organised and scientific doping program have a significant advantage over clean rivals with similar levels of experience and training, and that’s not a contest I was ever interested in watching. Fighters shouldn’t use steroids any more than match sailors should use outboard motors, it is contrary to the very concept of the sport.

*

Felix isn’t just mad about USADA testing because he thinks steroids are nifty, though. He’s also mad that they took away one of his favourites. “At the absolute highest level of the sport, no-one was derailed by this as much as Jon Jones” This is another part of Fighting in the Age of Loneliness that emphasises the gulf between Felix Biederman’s perspective on the UFC and my own. He watched Jon Jones’ rise through the ranks and his multi-year reign as the consensus best fighter in the world, and was apparently completely captivated by it. In describing him Felix returns to the hagiographic tone of the third and fourth episodes, describing him as “a giant, freak athlete who did moves that he learned off of youtube to humiliate fighters we grew up with”, comparing him to Napoleon, calling him “a genius who can destroy world champions with stuff he saw in a movie, the equivalent to those savant kids who can hear a song once and instantly play it on a piano perfectly”

By the time I was starting to watch the UFC, Jon Jones had already sabotaged his career fairly comprehensively. I don’t know Jon Jones as a legend or a genius or the greatest fighter in the world because I’ve never seen the fights that earned him that reputation. Here are the things that I do know about Jon Jones, things that have happened or that I have learned about since I started following the sport:

Jon Jones is a homophobe. In 2012 Jon Jones crashed his car, plead guilty to driving under the influence, and received a slap on the wrist. In January 2015 Jon Jones tested positive for cocaine in an out-of-competition test and was issued a token fine. In April 2015 Jon Jones ran a red light and caused an accident involving two other cars that left a pregnant woman with a fractured arm, then ran away only to turn himself in after an arrest warrant was issued and eventually plead guilty to fleeing the scene of an accident, receiving 18 months of probation. In 2017 Jon Jones was given a one year suspension after testing positive for banned hormone and metabolic modulators, which turned out to be contaminants in an erectile dysfunction pill he had been given by a training partner. In 2018 Jon Jones tested positive for an anabolic steroid and was suspended again for 15 months.

On the front steps of courthouses Jon Jones is humble and apologetic, and in the immediate aftermath of being caught doing something he shouldn’t have he often talks about how hard the experience has been for him and how much he has learned from it and grown as a person. At all other times he acts as though the bad things that happen to him or around him are never his fault, that he has no responsibility to ever change or even reflect upon his own behaviour, as though in all these struggles he has been the victim of cruel circumstance and conspiracy.

The Jon Jones that Felix describes is not someone I recognise, and the way he describes him is concerning. “As we got to know Jon more, we saw his personal foibles, like his DUI arrest and rivalry with Rashad Evans” I don’t think that having a heated rivalry with a competitor is comparable with drunk driving at all, and in framing the incident this way Felix trivializes it. He does this again with Jones’ hit-and-run conviction, mentioning it in passing but quickly moving on to quip about how awesome Jones got at powerlifting in his year off. He calls Jones “a person with failings who sometimes acted like an asshole, got pissed off and said incredibly cutting things to his opponents”, reinforcing the impression that Jones’ main character flaw is simply being too fierce a competitor, instead of calling him, say, a person with failings who sometimes acted like an asshole, took drugs he shouldn’t and crashed cars.

Felix is constantly making excuses for Jon Jones in this part of the episode. When he gets to the second failed drug test, he says Jones “got popped by USADA”, a turn of phrase that subtly reinforces Jones’ own narrative of victimhood, especially since Felix has already established USADA as the bad guys who are fucking up the UFC. He wraps up the Jones segment with a ‘boys will be boys’ defence couched in another appeal to the glory of days gone by: “It used to matter less if you acted like an idiot. Everyone was a bit of an idiot in one manner or the other in life, but god forbid you now embarrass the sport”.

*

From here, Fighting in the Age of Loneliness whines to a messy conclusion. The segments get more disjointed, it’s at this stage that modern women’s Mixed Martial Arts gets all of two minutes of consideration, and then there is a rather reluctant summary of the UFC career of Conor McGregor, who Felix seems not to like. He certainly doesn’t describe him with close to the same kind of exaltation that he deploys earlier for fighters who had similar trajectories like Mauricio Rua, Anderson Silva and Jon Jones.

After that, Felix goes back to behaving like a fan of an indie band that has started making top 40 hits. He doesn’t like that the one of the UFC’s new part-owners is an asset stripping firm, even though in his golden age one of the UFC’s part-owners was an Emirati war criminal. Back in the first segment of the first episode he references “this modern era of fighting, where all of the things that used to make the sport unusual are mostly gone,” and now he returns to that idea and calls the supposed new “fourth era” of fighting “sanitized and oversaturated,” contrasting it with the “honesty of a fist-fight” and the “cultural haven for strange people” that the UFC offered ten years ago. He complains that there aren’t enough knockouts any more. When he brings up the recent long-anticipated fight between Conor McGregor and Khabib Nurmagomedov he says “sometimes the dam of normalcy breaks and we get momentary bursts of how things once were,” which strikes me as a rather ‘what have you done for me lately’ attitude to take about something that happened the month before this video series came out.

Things drag closer to an end and Felix keeps returning to his golden age. “What was once a weird refuge for those who needed it is now eroding into just another thing that’s as formless and indistinct as everything else. Fighting has rid itself of so much of its magic. It does not transcend the world any more.” The way that he constantly makes references to a bygone era when everything was simple and pure and good and as it ought to be, and wishes dearly that we could return to that era instead of continuing to face the injustices of this current moment in time, reminds me a lot of an ideology that has has a big resurgence in the USA recently.

The episode wraps up with one final spasm of bitterness. “This will happen to everything that you love. Nothing you like will remain untouched, and it will get further and further monetized into meaninglessness. This isn’t just our problem in our idiotic bloodsport. You’re fucked too.” He’s not wrong about the commoditization of entertainment and sports-as-entertainment but he sounds once again like a whiny gamer stereotype or a disillusioned popstar fanboy of the kind he mocks at the start of the episode.

And then the episode doesn’t actually end. The sort-of epilogue about Donald Cerrone fighting Nate Diaz seven years ago is a good little segment, but it doesn’t do anything here. It doesn’t serve to illustrate or emphasise any of the things Felix has been talking about in the minutes leading up to it, it doesn’t follow from them in any kind of narrative. It feels like a piece that some combination of Felix Biederman and Jon Bois just liked too much to cut, even though they couldn’t find a place to put it, so they stuck it here at the end. Maybe it is intended to provide some sense of denouement after Felix’s angry ranting. Regardless, it comes at the end of such an unpleasant half hour that its attempt at poignance failed utterly on me.

*

Felix Biederman likes different fighters than I do, he has a perspective on the sport of Mixed Martial Arts that often seems parochial and outdated to me, and I am puzzled by his obsession with the idea that combat sports athletes are all strange, broken people, but none of these things would bother me if Fighting in the Age of Loneliness did not present itself as an authoritative, comprehensive history of fighting, instead of what it is, which is the story of Felix Biederman falling into and out of love with the Ultimate Fighting Championship. Together with Jon Bois he certainly tells that story well, their collage of tales of societal fracture and political indifference with images of single combat is a powerful one, but in pursuing its thematic goals the series fails over and over to justify or interrogate the positions it puts forward.

If the UFC disappeared tomorrow, or if it had never been created in the first place, fighting would still exist, Mixed Martial Arts would still exist, the “one two path of a punch to a guy snoring on the ground” that Felix claims to adore will still exist. Fighting is exactly as magical and exactly as mundane today as it it always has been and always will be, even if Felix Biederman doesn’t enjoy watching it as much as he used to.