#at least I'm immune to feeling embarrassed about this shit anymore
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@sharkapologists ah. I see the tism bit me in the ass again. Carry on!
i swear some of the polls on this site look like
#lmao! XD#i did in fact read the first line#i also took the reply they gave LITERALLY#I also just found out the other day that “Takes everything literally” DOESN'T LITERALLY MEAN EVERYTHING and just means more than normal#i have become one with the autism#please save me#the tags went on an on and on! XD#at least I'm immune to feeling embarrassed about this shit anymore#this is just a tuesday for me#Oh yall say I missed the point? Round two electric boogaloo mother fucker let's go!#I'm not entirely sure how I never was confused screaming over Goncharov because I am the PERFECT target for that shit XD#Lesson of the day: It's okay to misinterpret stuff. It's okay to make mistakes at any age. It's okay to laugh at yourself (/pos).#That's literally how we learn and grow folks!#The minute you start being scared of looking like a dumbass is the minute you stop learning#Yall know how many people my age are so against being the dumb one in the room that it feels like working with ten year old old software!?#you can have a CD drive AND updated OS#you can suck at new tech and need to look up words to understand the context#you can be neurodivergant and... ya know... diverge from the norm? because you are literally built different and shit happens#I'm laughing my ass off at this and how SINCERE my tag addition was because... why wouldn't I?#what i said was genuine and i wasn't a dick about anything#so omg PLEASE point out when I try to eat my own foot again (which will happen eventually)#i find it endearing and sweet ^_^#autism#actually autistic#bluewind talks
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Yesterday in therapy (I've been switching up my days since I've been super busy) I ended up talking about cruelty. I'm aware this is very emotionally driven or whatever.
It started with me talking about that person I think I mentioned before, who I don't want to associate with anymore. My therapist eventually asked what I think would be the least cruel way to tell them I can't tolerate their behavior, and it sort of? Triggered something (or someone) inside me. I said I wanted, on some level, to be cruel. That people don't change behavior without a little cruelty. I wish I could say I don't believe that. My therapist also asked what I would define as cruelty, and I had a hard time because I can't think of a definition of cruelty apart from "hurting someone on purpose," which feels far too broad. Like. If I tell someone that I don't like when they chew with their mouth open, I do that knowing that it'll make them embarrassed but I don't do it to embarrass them. That feels like cruelty even though some would say it isn't.
Anyway.
It was a hard conversation. I said that I'm willing to be the bad guy for the greater good. That's a duty I have, because I have the guts to do it and not everyone does. I don't want to, but I feel like I have to sometimes. Sort of "spare the rod spoil the child" type thing but without like. Actual abuse.
My therapist said it sounded like some part of me (I don't know if they meant little p or big P) is very, very scared of punishment. And that's why I'm like this. And why I have such a hairpin trigger tolerance for loud misbehavior. Because I think punishment is coming. And I do. I think that if I don't do it, someone else will, and in ways that are more cruel than what I could or would do. There will be consequences for actions unless they change, and I can serve that consequence out of mercy so that someone else doesn't serve it out of malice.
Afterwards I journaled. The first thing that came to mind was my little sister. I think I had to be cruel, on some level, to her. Even though I didn't want to be. I had to very firmly establish that in the household we grew up in, there were strong consequences for irresponsible actions. It's not like I hit her or anything, but I did instill what I think was a healthy amount (considering the circumstances) of fear in her. It's like a vaccine. If she's a little afraid of the consequence then she won't experience the actual consequence and the much bigger fear and trauma. It's like. I don't know. I experienced a lot of pain and a lot of trauma and I was trying to innoculate her from it. Like telling her to be careful about who she spends time with and shit like that. Sometimes I exaggerated risk a little bit because a fear of something a little unreasonable is better than experiencing a very real pain from a very real malicious cruelty.
My therapist asked me also if I ever do this to myself. And I think the correct answer is probably yes. But I can't really think of how. I feel like I'm trying to prevent what's happened to me happening to others. Like I think I don't need the little vaccine because I've already had the illness and already have the immunity.
I'm not sure how this is related. But when I, at one point out of stupidity, told my birth father that his current wife was very unkind to me/made it very clear she didn't like me as a teenager (and still is/does,) he said that I was a very difficult child. That I made myself very hard to love and care for. That most people would be unkind to me like that with the way I behaved. That feels like a similar merciful cruelty. Don't make me beg for kindness when instead you can cut at the root so I don't waste my time and just accept the truth. Waiting or begging for kindness from her is a moot point, because I am impossible for most people to love. I can move right on past that to acceptance. That's a mercy. I won't wait for kindness that never comes and be hurt by how long it takes while I'm waiting. I just get the one hurt of knowing for sure it's not happening. That's mercy.
I don't know. I know, on an intellectual level, that trauma often makes you think the world is more dangerous than it is. I think that's probably what a psychoanalyst would say this is all because of. But I do very firmly believe the world to be very cruel. Because I've experienced it firsthand. And I think that a lack of a healthy fear is just setting yourself up for more pain than if you're already prepared for it. I can't see things any other way, even if I try. I can't even intellectualize it away. This is a very firmly rooted core belief and I very truly believe that anyone that thinks differently about this is ignorant at best.
I also think that my cruelty is one of the things that makes it hard for me to relate to a lot of other trauma survivors. I feel like I have a visual. Like, other survivors curl up into a smooth round ball and grow a hard shell. Or sometimes don't grow a shell at all and are just soft and vulnerable. But it feels like my shell grew with spikes. I am cruel in ways other survivors aren't, or don't have the courage to be. And that ability to be cruel always feels like a heavy burden and a duty. Like I need to be cruel out of mercy. Like killing an animal caught in a trap. Someone needs to have the guts to be cruel to reduce suffering. And maybe that means I can't be as well liked or loved as someone else. But that's just how duty goes. No one can love an executioner. And that's beyond my control, so it's not something worth dwelling on. I've known from the start that I am on my own.
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