#at least I'll have the time cuz I called off work for the week

[buckera]

currently trying to work out the logistics of the mudslide fic, editing, titles, posting dates, etc and I'm kind of just realising how I haven't posted a multichapter fic in ages, also that I never posted anything this long before...

[hollyhomburg]

Before I Leave You (Pt.60)

(Omegaverse au, Mafia au, Bts x Reader)

Summary: Life changes come in many many forms; courting gifts, leaving jobs, and...Murder

Tags: Slow burn getting warmer, Angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, Trans! Tae, Transphobia, gender thoughts, workplace discrimination, flashbacks, murder, the word 'r*pe' is used to describe what Geumjae did to her but there are no graphic depictions of it, allusions to physical abuse, graphic violence, there is a brief moment where someone not in the pack touches the m/c's ass without her consent, blood, briefly implied suicidal actions- but it's nothing like what you haven't seen before.

W/c: 12.6k

A/n: i'll be attending my cousin's wedding at the time this is posted so! give me lots of love when you read it cuz i'm so nervous~ i've never been around so many fancy people before <3

Previous part ~ Masterlist

You dab at the skin under your eyes carefully. You know they must look red and puffy. Tae’s careful instruction to treat your skin well as all good baby pups should has somehow stuck.

Even here. Even now.

“Do people like always loose it with you? Like when they walk in, do they all cry?”

Your therapist (yes, your therapist) across the narrow room is the opposite of threatening; soft face, pulled back hair, neutral clothing that might just as well be out of a country living catalog.

You don’t know where Jin found her, what little medical booklet he perused like a take-out menu, or how much her services cost per hour. Those kinds of details were not for delicate little pups like yourself to worry over in his opinion.

Most of the time, you're glad not to have to worry about things like this. But right now you're chomping at the bit. Weighting your odds. The other unknowns hover before you. One sticks out. One you're most concerned about.

Is she trustworthy?

Nothing about Dr. Rima seems outwardly threatening, yet you curl in on yourself. She smiles, scrawling something on the top of her notepad before she answers, and something taught in you ticks tighter.

“You’re correct in assuming that most people I meet cry in the first few minutes when they meet me, but you are the first person to cry on my threshold. Most of the time people wait until they’re at least in the chair.”

That has a smile tugging at your lips, albeit unwillingly. Your smile is like a leashed wild animal, with too many teeth when you feel threatened. Contained for now.

If you got up and walked out right now, would she call someone to restrain you? Will you be committed if you tell the truth? Or are you just misinterpreting the stakes?

You are here of your own volition. Even if it was a condition that Jin and Namjoon weren't willing to budge on after the events of last week. It's not like the pack is having you put in a mental institution or something, although they did come with you today. For moral support.

The waiting room was stuffy and yellow, one of those little waterfall mirrors in the corner that you’d watched in a fog sat between Yoongi and Jimin while Jin filled out the necessary paperwork. His pen hovering over the small boxes every few seconds. He'd taken the afternoon off of work to make sure he was there, just to fill out paperwork.

Are you on any medications? Do you have a history with substance abuse disorders? Do you have any intent to harm yourself or others?

Sending glares to anyone who dared to come too close, Jimin had looked and smelled threatening. You're not sure he’d have let you go into an isolated location with her if she’d been an alpha. Jin too had looked close to snapping.

yoongi was the only one who looked somewhat calm, althoug his hand was tightly laced with yours (and a little sweaty)

It’s a wonder that the rest of your pack had agreed to stay home for this. This was just one of several concessions you’d made after what the pack has politely begun referring to as 'sad pup time' during your more vulnerable moments, and blatantly 'your breakdown' during less fragile ones.

But sweet words or not. The facts remain; You are here in this chair after a nearly tearful departure.

You’d met the therapist in the doorway, shaking in your boots, and upon being separated from your pack with the promise that they’d be just downstairs in the lobby, you’d followed her inside.

Yoongi had made a noise in his throat, making you turn back. Dr.Rima turned to watch as he’d pulled you in for a last-minute hug, ducking down to your level. “One hour, okay? We’ll be just downstairs. Text me if you need me.”

His eyes were heavy-looking at the stranger. Unwilling to let you go just yet. A little stalwart, a little standoffish.

“Take good care of her please. She’s very precious to us.”

Precious.

That much was evident by the nearly three-page document that both your pack alpha and omega sent through once Namjoon and Jin had selected Dr. Rima as your therapist. Dr. Rima has quite a bit of experience dealing with overprotective pack alphas and pack omegas. Let alone a pack alpha and pack omega who have such a clinical background.

Yes, you must be well taken care of. At least on paper.

She’s already itching a little, to get her hands on all the others. Packmates and their names are written out, as a part of all intake files. Large packs aren't so common anymore. Her eyes fix on one name; Min Yoongi (beta, mate) unemployed.

The big windows help it feel not so small, on the second floor, the trees block out most of the view of the park below. A small voice that sounds like Hobi whispers that it’s a shame she doesn’t have any plants in here, they'd do so well with all of this natural light.

Your knees clack together a little, moving listlessly, the anxiety in your body begging to be released somewhere.

“I don’t know where to start.”

“Why don’t we start with why you wanted to come in today.”

You avoid her eye contact, looking instead at the tops of the trees, you don’t know why they haven’t changed color yet, all of the trees on your street are half bare already. She has a smooth inoffensive scent, but you’re mated to a beta so you know what to expect when it comes to the relaxing effects, the subtle haze at the edge of your vision. It must come in handy, having the biological upper hand, when it comes to patients in distress.

If therapists are rare, beta therapists must be even rarer.

You can practically hear Jin, “Nothing but the best for my pup.” There is a part of your brain that won’t ever turn off, appraising everything around you. The designer pumps that she wears. The knickknacks on her desks, there are no photos of any packs that she might call her own, just a pink calendar in the corner.

Your breath goes just a little bit rapid, just a little, hitching when you think of it.

“Did Jin tell you anything?”

“He didn’t. Although my secretary did inform me that he filled out the paperwork for you.” The air in the therapist’s office is cold. Cold enough that it has you wrapping your sweater sleeves over your knuckles.

Your cheeks heat “My pack they- get a bit- protective.” Your fingers circle your wrist. You’re glad that Hobi convinced you to take one of his sweatshirts. He'd had a strange look on his face while he zipped it up, and you'd had to worry and wonder about it the whole morning. You'd worried more once he texted, just after he must have gotten to work.

“I have kind of a history of self-destructive behavior and I- I kind fell into bad habits a few days ago and blew up. It was all kind of triggered by this like- thing that happened with me and my other packmate.” It’s surprisingly easy to tell the truth.

You’re a right side better than you have been the last few weeks, now. A little bit more present, less foggy. The doctor just looks at her screen and not at you. What is it with her asking questions that make you not want to lie? Why does it feel like you should anyway?

Dr. Rima reads between the lines, what you're trying to say without saying it. “Is there a possibility of you hurting yourself again?” She clicks at the screen a little rapidly.

“No.”

The truth is you have no idea. It seems best to lie in this situation. But you consider it; one of your packmates making the call that you are too much to handle, that you need more help than they can offer. You imagine what it would be like to be in inpatient care. Grippy socks and group therapy and probably observed mealtimes. Maybe Iv's and feeding tubes if it came to that. Away from the pack and away from Yoongi.

He’s just downstairs, but that feels too far. There was no way that he was going to let you do this alone, you wouldn't be surprised if he never left the waiting room.

It’s just a therapy session. The very thing that you once refused. But now that you're here you might as well heal, you might as well work to stop this endless train of brief highs and endless lows. you'll give it a go, why not? What do you have to lose?

And yet, the texts from Hobi remain unanswered:

Ho-🐝 (9:48): Hey, I’m really proud of you.

Ho-🐝 (9:48): I’m really happy I get to be your packmate. In case you ever worry.

Ho-🐝 (9:49): And your best friend too &lt;3

Ho-🐝 (9:51): Just so you knowwww

The pack has kept you substantially plied with little solutions since your breakdown last week. They haven’t let you rot like usual. They’ve kept your days full of little activities; nothing too extravagant or tiring. Letting you rest when you need to and encouraging you to get outside of your comfort zone when it’s clear you’re giving in.

It comes down to that more often than not; giving in or not giving in.

Not giving in looks like trips back to the beach with Hobi. Like going to the salon with Tae and shopping with Jimin. Or another workout class with Jungkook where you’d spent more of the time lounging on the yoga mat than actually moving your body. But you'd still tenuously agreed to sign up for more classes under the encouragement of Wonho and Jungkook.

And now twice a week, you’ve got a mat to call your own during any classes, in the back, if you decide you want it. Your callender hasn't felt so full in years, it feels strange, to have something to do during the weeks that isn't just scraping the bottom of the barrel and doing house chores. Strange in a good way.

Not all of the pack's solutions aren’t silly but sometimes, silly is a good way to push out the dark.

The morning after your breakdown; you'd watched your pack work, fighting back a flush. Sitting at the kitchen bar stool while Yoongi applied painter’s tape to the floor, not intent on keeping back paint this time, but marking it off for you.

You’re a little bit more determined this morning although your first night without nightmares in a little over a month had kept you in higher spirits. You feel more well-rested than you have in ages.

“You don’t need to- I promise- I’m not going-“ but your requests had fallen on deaf ears. Worry building until Jungkook stood up fast grinning up at you, pupils wide brown pools from getting scented stupid this morning.

(Scented stupid, you'd been scented by the pack too, had struggled a little against it, too shy as Namjoon dragged his throat along yours, squirming until yoongi held you down a little, checking with you each few seconds that you wanted that, that your squirming was really just needing to feel a firm touch, a dominant one.

You will go nowhere until your pack have had their right to you, scenting you up, making your scent gland tender and swollen under their teeths and tongues.

It felt so much better to be made to handle it, each of the pack, even hobi, hovering over you to scent you with their wrists and throats. until you smelled so claimed by them that you couldn't breathe without smelling it- Pack.

Jungkook had pouted until he'd gotten the same treatment, although the omegaspace haze had lasted longer on him than it had on you.

He stands up so fast that his hair fluffs. Catching himself on your leg with a giggle before he topples over. grinning up at you before pressing a sleepy sloppy kiss to your knee and then another to your lips,

“No pup zone!" Omega Space Jungkook can get a little bit ridiculous even at the best of times. He's got a case of the morning omegaspace zoomies as he giggles and nips at your nose. You playfully push at his chest. He doesn't budge.

"Your whole face is a no-pup zone." The dissatisfied pur-chirp he'd let out had sounded half hurt, half encouraged.

Namjoon had eased your discomfort. Pulling you from the stool to lean back against his chest, fingers drumming out a rhythm on your legs as Jungkook huffes into your throat.

Having this failsafe- this rule, does not mean that they think you’re going to fail, these are guard rails to keep you on track. Namjoon looks down at you, his full bottom lip tucked a little, not a pout but close. “This is the easiest solution, if you don’t go near it then maybe, maybe it helps.”

His fingers drum against your skin again, and you lean back into him. Uneasy but willing to let him soothe you.

So yes, you’ve been banned from the kitchen, banned from crossing that line that runs from the edge of the coffee stand and just in front of Tae's library room, to the island and over to the fridge. Unless there is someone else close by. You are not allowed here without supervision.

It’s a simple solution, limiting you from the place that you use to hurt yourself. Never mind the fact that there are dozens if not hundreds of other possible avenues you could use. Your creativity knows no bounds when it comes to pain, but you quiet that part of yourself when the desire for hurt gets loud.

You can’t say it hasn’t helped. But then again, the pack has kept you so busy since your breakdown that you haven't had any time to think of hurting yourself let alone put any plans into action.

Across from you, Dr. Rima waits expectantly.

"It was kind of triggered by this thing that happened."

The tip of her pen bobs a little as she writes. “Could you describe the event to me? Or is that something you're not ready to talk about?" You nod and she waits patiently. It takes you a breath to answer.

“A little less than a month ago one of my packmates and I found a dead body."

You feel a little vindicated at her inhale of breath. Wide eyes that say yes- that is something traumatic, yes, it's fair that it kinda triggered you into a more fragile state.

"It dredged up a lot of feelings about my past. Before that, I was kind of starting to feel s-safe which I haven't like, ever been able to feel."

“And your packmate?"

There is new treacherous wetness balancing on your waterline. “Hobi’s a lot stronger than me, his past and mine are really similar but he just- handles his better. A lot of the time it feels like I learn from him even though he’d tell you the opposite is true. He’s my best friend." Your voice goes quiet, "I love my mate more than I love anyone else, but sometimes- Hobi just- gets me you know?" You go a little misty-eyed. Hands tightening on Hobi's sweatshirt.

“Yet he’s not the one sitting in my chair right now.”

You close your eyes, "he's not."

“For what it’s worth- you can have more than one best friend.” Dr. Rima writes as quickly as she can, taking it down. “How long have you been romantically involved with him? Who came first, your mate or him?”

You jolt forward, “Oh no- we’re not- Hobi and I aren't-" You take a deep breath to clarify. "Everyone else in the pack is together but Hobi and I are just friends. We all have our like… little units?”

"Primary partners." Dr. Rima offers.

"Yeah, that." But even that doesn't really cover it, because while Jin and Namjoon are JinandNamjoon and Jimin and Tae are JiminandTae. Jungkook is everyone's problem (in the best of ways) and you and Tae are something else too. The pack's girls the rest of them would say.

(You and Hobi are, well, YouandHobi.)

It sounds weird to say it once it comes out of your mouth. It makes an odd choked feeling lodge in your throat. Too much hope and too much shame for hoping blooming in your chest.

“I don’t know if I want to talk about him.”

She folds her hands over her knees, setting her pen down. Dr. Rima has chubby hands, disproportionate to her body. They look like they'd be soft.

She reminds you of your mom a little bit.

“That’s okay, we can talk about whatever you want. What you want and need is going to be the focus of our sessions. You’re the pilot here. I’m just here to help you interpret your thoughts and feelings.”

She folds her hands over themselves, setting her pen aside, “Why don’t we talk about the last time you remember feeling safe.”

"Physically or mentally?"

"Either, you can choose."

The rest of the session passes frightfully quickly. You can’t say that you don’t cry again. When you finally talk about Geumjae, her smile quickly dissipates. You talk and talk and talk until your throat is raw. Until you’ve depleted the whole box of her tissues. She shows you she's got more hidden under her desk when you apologize, her secret stash gets a laugh out of you.

“The fact that your pack omega filled out your paperwork isn’t the most unusual, but his preference for daily meetings or every other day is a little bit on the nose for a pack omega, I’m wondering if you share his preference.”

“He’s just overprotective.” She eyes you like Jin has good reason to be. You don’t blush this time, a little more comfortable with Dr. Rima than you were at the beginning of this. “I think maybe more than once a week but not every day.”

“How does Monday- Friday sound?”

~-~

When you walk to the door with Dr. Rima Yoongi stands abruptly from his chair.

You can tell by the shiny edge to his to his scent that he doesn't want to stay here any longer than necessary. He gets the information about your next appointment and then tugs you out the door.

Jins got his legs crossed, fancy leather shoes glinting in the sunlight by the windows. The lobby is buzzing with people coming and going. This building isn't just a therapy office but a collection of other businesses with a few shops and restaurants on the ground floor as well. He looks up and double-takes when he spots you, not standing from his chair, but he opens his arms and you fold yourself along his side, conscious of the other eyes but this.

This you need.

You press your face along the column of Jin's neck, breathing his cream scent in deep.

“Oh pup.”

Your red-rimmed eyes are too obvious and you sniffle wetly, “It was okay, I like Dr. Rima.” He laces your hands together and resists the urge to pester you with questions. Yoongi's hand is still tangled in the hood of your (Hobi's) sweatshirt. Your therapy sessions should be yours and only yours. Yoongi and Jin do not have Dr. patient confidentiality.

And yet the need to know if that helped burns through them. They won't have to wonder for long.

By the coffee stand, Jimin waves and he returns to you when the barista hands over a bag of sweets and a quad of cups. Jin continues scrawling something out for another second before he’s standing and pulling you in for another chaste scent mark.

“Let’s go home.” It's somewhere between an order and a request. But no one disobeys.

On the drive back (37 minutes total) you're a little quiet. You let the sounds of the others be your buffer. You look down at your phone and stare at Hobi’s texts. You respond with just a little heart emoji when you finally still can’t figure out a good response and you're close to home.

Home is its usual conflagration of moving bits and pieces. Each of your packmates is like a shiny cog in a pretty clock, tick tick tick tocking along. Tae and Namjoon are at the table looking through some of the pack’s bills, the pastries and coffee cups litter the table with little piles of powdered sugar and cinnamon. jimin bought enough for the whole pack.

You look at them a little too long, although not because you don't want to eat them. It’s been a while, a few weeks since you’ve made something like that, but every single one of the pastries is something you know how to make. You don’t know why you keep looking at them.

Tae smiles at you, still in the doorway. and it makes you feel a little less like you want to burst into tears. Her voice speaks of the quiet time you have in the library (the tenderness of having someone else do your makeup, another person combing your hair). You hope you'll get some dedicated one-on-one time with her soon.

"Hey little lovely, How was it?"

"She put me through the wringer but I think she got some suds out."

She and Namjoon giggle and you smile small. and you can tell that Namjoon wants to ask you more but he doesn't after a pointed look from your mate. There are footsteps in the hall and before you can move to take off your shoes Hobi is standing in the archway.

Yoongi efficiently strips you of Hobi's sweatshirt with a frustrated huff. It's Kind of like he’s trying to peel away the sadness (your clothes are soaked with your sour scent, rainy and unhappy. Regardless of Jin’s scent mark, you kind of stink).

You might have overheard their words just before you got into the car. Jin's hissed admonishment. “A lot of people cry during therapy Minnie, she’s not in trouble, can’t you smell it?”

Your scent is mellow underneath the memory of your distress, going sweeter by the second. Yoongi wants all memories of your sad scent banished from the house. Hobi stands at the door to the hallway, shifting back and forth, his eyes a little warmer than usual, hands shaking a little bit.

You’ve caught him looking at you a lot since the night he ran away, in the quiet moments when he thinks you’re not noticing. Eyes a shade warmer than usual, a sweetened franticness to his scent. Nervousness and happiness mix like blueberries and whipped cream.

When he pulls up beside you during movie nights and sits thigh to thigh with you. When his hands intertwine with yours over his knee or sometimes or when he pulls your legs sideways across his lap. He looks at you like that when he's doing the small things and he's looking at you like that right now.

You know how love starts, that it starts with the small things.

Hobi resists the urge to open his arms. would you come to him? Would you fold your body along his front so that he could feel your heartbeat? Pressing again and again to the opposite side of his chest with every thump?

He doesn’t say hey, but he does step a little closer. Fingers reaching out. The pad of his index finger slides down the meat of your pinky till it reaches the ball of your wrist. His own special hello.

Your breath hitches, just barely, almost imperceptible if it wasn’t for how close he stands.

A look behind you says Yoongi hasn’t made himself scarce, instead fussing with the pack's coats. Now that it’s getting colder, they don’t all fit by the door. You look behind Hobi and find Namjoon watching the three of you, he raises a singular eyebrow.

“How was it? Bad?” Hobi asks, breaking the silence and the tension, drawing your attention back to him. The next breath you let out is a lot less heavy, and your eyelashes flutter as he steps closer. Hobi smells good, a little earthy, mellowing out his usual sweetness. Sweet for an alpha.

“It was kind of hard, I kinda wanted to run away for a bit at the beginning." You can't keep meeting his eyes with how intensely he's looking at you and they flutter down to his hands. "I almost did.”

"I'm glad you didn't pup." Jin comments, full of reproach, the mirror to you and Hobi as he leans down to press a kiss to Namjoon's forehead. Shucking off his lapelled jacket and rolling up the sleeves of his button-down shirt.

“If you’d have called me, I’d have picked you up. We could still like- run away, if you're down.”

But the house is starting to heat up, and Jin and Yoongi are starting to cook. The light is still honey-yellow happy. And you tip your cheek into his arm. He finally- finally lets his arms settle around your waist.

“Nah, not yet.” You drag out the syllable all playful, and something forbidden stirs in Hobi’s gut. “Jin’s making my favorite tonight. not until later?”

Hobi goes silent, pulls back, biting his lips, eyes flickering from your eyes down. and-

You laugh and Hobi blushes. “Just spit it out.”

Everyone’s been a little bit touchier with you since that night (a little more overbearing too). You won’t immediately chalk Hobi's touchyness up to what you're all thinking. But the affection makes your scent gland feel tender. Zinging when Yoongi steps up behind you and nuzzles into it, huffing again.

Friends can hug each other after therapy right? Hobi swallows thickly and you feel it against your collar bone as he pulls back and steps away from you. “I ugh- got you a present?”

You brighten up instantly, and Hobi's anxiety increases tenfold. A bit of casual mischievousness on the edge of your lips that always have Hobi feeling like he’s being teased even though he knows he isn’t.

“Oh? A present? You’ve never gotten me a present before!”

He kicks at imaginary dust bunnies, fighting back what he knows is a noticeable flush. “I ugh- still owe you, from the car you know and honestly it's not even like a big gift it's like- so small in comparison and-”

Yoongi huffs and continues to disrobe you. Pulling your sweater over your head when he’s not satisfied that your unhappy scent has dissipated. Muttering something like. “hopeless alpha” under his breath. Your tank top pulls up, inches of your hip and skin on display. It's nothing that Hobi hasn't seen before and yet the blush reignites. The sunshine to your morning glory.

“I guess you're right.” But it doesn’t feel like it. Hobi doesn’t owe you anything for that, not when it was so easy to give. Not when you’ve gotten so many late-night drives from that gift.

Hoseok got the idea for your courting gift, one morning while watching you say goodbye to Namjoon:

The pack alpha has always been a fan of goodbye kisses, good morning, and goodnight kisses too. The particular kiss that morning had ‘I’ll miss you’ written all over it. It was so pretty in the way that you lingered, arms around Namjoon’s neck. His hand is underneath your shirt on the small of your back. Such a small touch and yet so gently possessive that it had Hobi aching to see it.

Hobi is unfortunately prone to jealousy and it turns the back of his neck hot. Makes his hands feel oddly tender. He's distracted by the visual, the task of packing up his work bag forgotten. Hoseok’s shift at the flower shop doesn’t start for another few hours, and he’s waiting, watching, an unhappy voyeur.

You and Namjoon have quite the height difference, if he was in between the two of you he’d be the perfect middle ground. That’s just another stupid thought, another stupid thought in the countless number of stupid thoughts that he’s had. (I like my alphas a little pathetic, and nothing's more pathetic than an alpha pining after an omega.)

He grumbles.

Yoongi prattles on, more awake than all of them as he outlines what you have to do today to make progress on the house- which is to go find a place that sells cheaper tile than the ones you first thought of using in the bathroom on the first floor. And maybe change it up a little.

The bathrooms escaped the renovations somehow, and a few nights ago- Jimin had admitted how much they actually use it even though it’s not the pack's primary bathroom anymore. Now that it’s not in use, they’re more willing to part with it for a few days for some very necessary re-styling. it toes the line from vintage to old a little too hard. The yellow is a little…yellow.

Yoongi wants to go light and airy with the color scheme, like he did with the upstairs bathroom and it's seafoam and brown tones. But like with most of the house, your vote is for colorful. “How about a light blue-” Yoongi continues to argue while you kiss Namjoon a little senseless in the doorway, at least Namjoon seems properly dazed, chasing your lips when you pull apart.

“No- we don’t have a room that’s magenta yet!”

This starts the same argument as always; “We can’t make every room in this house pink for Tae.”

But goodbyes take precedence, and when you turn back and smile at Hobi he flushes, shy to be caught looking. He moves, stepping around you and Namjoon to put his water bottle into his bag when you shout, “Stop, Seokie!”

Seokie is a new nickname, one that Jin only uses in the quietest of moments that you've somehow adopted when you don't want to call him Hobi. Hobi always thought that if you’d use any other nickname with him- you’d use daisy (he might want you and yoongi to share that pet name). But he’s a good pup and stops what he’s doing. Every atom in his body every electron no longer circulates neutrons but circulates you instead. Pulled in by your gravity.

You’ve moved so suddenly that you’ve spilled a bit of your coffee onto the floor. Maybe kissing Namjoon has left you feeling a little dizzy too. Yoongi just sighs fondly and wipes it up. Jimin looks up from his phone, smiling when he sees.

“You’ve got a rainbow on your cheek.”

It’s a trick of the light, early morning sunshine refracted through the mottled window just right to cast a single rainbow on the wall and on Hobi when he steps in front of it.

You cup his cheek, finger skimming across where the rainbow sits.

"Pretty."

Hobi feels hot all over.

At Tae’s call of, “If I have to do my eyeliner one more time I’m going to scream!” You giggle and dart away from him. Going to tend to Tae with a soft reply of "I've got you baby."

Hoseok is left, blushing in the morning light. Staying still like you might come by and cup his cheek again, Like a flower staying still in the hope of pollination.

Hobi is left, wanting to scream and somehow demand you back, both would be fair. His plight isn't missed by his packmates, who lean in like a set of jackals, grinning ear to ear at hobi's flustered predicament.

She's going to send him into rut if she's not careful Jin thinks, but doesn't say. instead he teases, “You’ve got to leave in the next ten-minute Hobi.”

Only then does Hoseok move- released from his spell and finally losing the rainbow on his cheeks though they might as well have stayed with how happy and warm he feels. How absolutely incandescent the love is glowing in his chest. A full spectrum of feelings, longing for you to come back.

He almost trips over noodle, darting after you with his tail raised high, catching himself on the edge of the couch at the last second, one shoe on and one off, his water bottle falling and spilling in the process.

yoongi sighs, and stoops to wipe it up. Jimin giggles and pulls Hobi up by his hips, the alpha's fingers feel hot where they've touched him, scalding. “What’s wrong, omega got your tongue?” yoongi returns to his breakfast, throwing the wad of soggy paper towels into the trash.

Jungkook laughs, “It’s more like he wants an omega to have his tongue in her-“

“You guys are gross,” He pushes at Jimin’s shoulder finally moving right. Yoongi hides his smile in a mouthful of Captain Crunch.

Hobi doesn’t think about the rainbows again until his next afternoon shift. When the low angle of the autumn sun cuts through the windows and catches the suncatchers that they hang in the doorway of the flower shop and cast more rainbows- dozens of them really across him and the flower.

He remembers when you came to visit, how you'd lingered over them, looked at them a second longer than you looked at the plants.

It’s a bit of a kitschy display. Other polished stones and nick nacks sitting on the deep shelf along with some smaller potted plants. A little tray of rose-quartz stones falsely advertises themselves as ‘heat reducers.’

The colors start to blend, and the rainbows sway softly in the light, gentle and pretty. He snaps a photo and thinks about sending it to you, but doesn’t.

The store is blissfully empty of Hobi's coworkers when he selects three of them. It's quiet when he packages them in tissue paper, one with a huge pink stained-glass moon at the top, another with three tiers. Each of them is delicate and pretty in their own right. No one’s bought a single one of them in the last three months anyway. They'll hardly be missed. Hobi gives himself a fat employee discount.

Hobi is unfortunately bad at hiding things, especially when he's nervous. Luckily the pack alpha doesn’t have it in him to tease. Namjoon had in fact been only too encouraging and given him a pep talk just this morning about courting and courting presents.

“The worst that can happen is that she doesn’t like it- and then you just have to try again which you were already planning on doing anyway.” Namjoon is quite simply the best at courting. It doesn't matter which subgender; alphas, beta’s, and omegas have all fallen under his touch. At least Hoseok has the opportunity to learn from a professional. Somehow the thought that you'd compare him to namjoon doesn't cross his mind.

Hoseok isn’t good at the romantic gestures that courting necessitates. He’s more of the ‘there when you need him’ kind of lover. Ready to make the small changes to make his loved ones' lives more manageable. Ready with his car keys for adventures. Those parts are easy, this is out of his depth.

Especially when it comes to you. Even After the love confessions, (are confessions still confessions if they’re so internal?) Hobi feels mostly unmoored. About to shatter upon unknown shores.

God, crushes are so frustrating (in the best kind of way, the way that keeps you sighing and daydreaming, the kind of way that makes you look in the mirror a little longer).

Tae helped him half an hour before she started on the pack's paperwork. They'd spent an hour deciding which places were best to hang them to get the greatest number of rainbows. She had even fussed with his hair a little to make it lie right. Having him hop up on the couch so she could see Hobi's face from your angle.

Hobi wanted to make sure there were at least one or two rainbows when he shows you. But when he leads you to the sunroom, his hands over your eyes (the same position you found yourself in when Namjoon surprised you with the nesting pod) there are more of them than there were when he set them up, whole constellations swaying softly.

The suncatchers are pretty and twinkly sparkly in the golden hour light, and your lips part in a simple show of awe when Hobi tells you you can open your eyes. It's so bright, they send dozens of little rainbows across the walls and your nesting pod. Over the white couch and the fig in the corner.

It’s very very pretty. and when you turn back to look a thim, Hobi once again has a rainbow on his cheek.

Your eyes twinkle, but you don't say anything. you stay quiet for long enough that Hobi gets nervous. his anxiety makes him talk fast. “I hung them here- but you can put them wherever you want- in the kitchen or upstairs or I can get you more for any places you want to put them- or- or- ”

You just about tackle him, arms looping around his neck resting your weight in his arms that instinctively grip around your waist. Hobi teeters, unsteady with such a heavy heart, toppling both of you onto the couch as you cry. "I love it!"

You’re sprawled not lying across him but his hand goes out to support the way you cling and rub your face into his chest, a happy little chirp slipping past your lips.

The wild thing in Hobi’s chest settles, settles, and curls around you. Tight and protective like a vice. You pull back, and your smile is just as bright.

Hobi sags, and rests his neck back against the couch, "Good- thank fucking god- I was so fucking nervous-" You fiddle with the buttons on his flannel, it's one of Yoongi's. It seems fitting that you steal his clothes and he steals Yoongi's.

"What brought all this on?"

Hobi doesn't have a good answer, in the quiet with the rainbows, or at least an answer he's ready for. He doesn't say that this is a courting present, and he doesn't need to because instead of answering your question- he replies with one of his own.

“Wanna go for a drive later?” he asks, voice tremulous like he thinks you might refuse him. You’ve never said no to him before, never said not tonight only not right now. Do you treasure our little talks the same way I do?

“Sure, after dinner? like I said? Just-" You lean back against his chest, and Hobi’s hands go tight tight tight around your waist. Holding you close. Clingy. He does not slip his hand under your shirt to cup the side of your hip the way that Namjoon might, but the thought crosses his mind.

Hobi is a good alpha, he won't cross that line until you tell him it's okay. Until then a thin layer of fabric separates his skin from yours. You're still warm to the couch.

“Sit and watch them with me?” You ask quietly. Almost shy, like you think he’d refuse you. He nods and the two of you sit on the couch to look at the rainbows together.

Eventually, Noodle finds the two of you, meowing and hopping up to stretch out along your thighs. Worming his way between the two of you.

The rainbows don't last forever, but Hobi sits with you until they fade.

~-~

Tae’s library is just like every public library:

Tall windows, wide quiet shelves with room for the stories to breathe. A colorful young adult section and an even more colorful kid’s section. A bit aways from the tables and computers so that any over-excited pups don’t disturb the adults. Big deep beanbags for small children to cuddle up to while they ponder fairy tales and adventures only a plastic-covered book away.

Tae’s long plaid skirt barely makes a whisper along the ground. The colder weather has allowed her to live all of her cottage core fantasies, her dark academia aesthetic truly flourishing. Her shirt is a little translucent today, and the fading summer tan of her skin pokes through it in spots where her tank top doesn't hide. Pretty long earrings dangle and clink in the quiet while she works on her shelving.

Wearing her chosen clothing items at work has been a bit of a work in progress.

Most of Tae’s coworkers approve of her transition in that overly willing-to-be-an-ally way that middle-aged women who generally consider themselves progressive outside of closed doors all do. And the ones that don’t approve have swallowed their words with lingering sour eyes and raised upper lips after the general receptiveness to Tae’s social transition.

It's hard to know who's genuine with it, who just doesn't want to cause a fuss, and who just doesn't give a shit. But most of the time her outfits get one or two compliments and thats it. Tae would rather them say nothing than anything negitive.

Tae likes the quiet of the library at this time of day, the silence gives her enough room to let her imagination wander. Tae likes to file away books in mid-morning, when there are fewer people around and her humming is less likely to disturb any of the library’s patrons. She sings to the stories and they sing back, tempting her with every well-worded title and delicately chaste summary.

But she doesn’t just think about stories or the book she's writing (her book is currently giving her hell on the 30th chapter) No. Today- there is a much more interesting love story blooming in her head, in the pack's den too.

She’s been thinking about you all morning (Tae thinks about you almost every morning) there are even little poems scrawled on the edge of her newspaper. Lines that are you and a bit of Hobi too.

I wished that I might be your hair clip / to know what it feels like / to be pressed against the nape of your neck/ To be your suntan/ perched on the edge/ of what you show everyone and what you show no one/ To be the bearer of every freckle/ like the sky holds the stars/ To hold and never let go/ Like birds hold sunshine / and flowers hold songs.

Everyone had noticed of course, how much time you and Hobi have been spending together.

The pack had even talked about it during a quiet moment without you and Hobi. Yoongi’s lack of communication regarding you and Hobi. “I don’t know anything” he’d unsuccessfully lied, and nearly been heaved up and wrestled to the couch as a result. But Jungkook’s puppy eyes had unsuccessfully endeared him.

Yoongi has kept Hobi's secret, but it's kind of hard not to notice. Tae isn't a fool. Tae is a much better liar than Yoongi is- because when you'd come to her after your late-night drive to gush with her about Hobi and the rainbows over makeup. She hadn't said anything about what she knows.

Tae couldn’t tell you how many times she’d noticed little touches, Hobi’s hand lingering on the small of your back, grabbing your waist when he moved behind you in the bathroom. When he take the greatest care to set out his sweatshirts in the morning and even asks Jungkook to make sure they’re clean. They’re practically not even his sweatshirts anymore with the amount you’ve been wearing them.

Tae isn’t an idiot, she knows that Hobi’s finally realized it. While she doesn’t trust herself to play matchmaker given how poorly the first time she pointed out Hobi’s attraction went. that doesn’t mean she’s not going to park herself firmly on the edge of her fantasy land with a box of popcorn.

If they were gonna get married, would Hobi wear a red tux or black or grey? Her brain is already thinking of wedding dresses. One of these days she’s really going to have to make a Pinterest board. Hobi would probably want to do sunflowers, and that might clash with the red unless it was a fall wedding- ooh, and what about pearl details and daisies? a beach wedding might be a little too on the nose for you.

Tae is so absorbed with her shelving and her daydreaming that she doesn’t notice the sound of small shoes on the carpeted floor. Nor does she notice the light-up flash of tiny iorn man sneakers. Her musings are easily interrupted by a small tug on her skirt, shy almost. She startles a little, looking down at the sudden touch.

The little pup's thumb is wet from where it was clearly placed behind their bucked teeth. He's got wide brown eyes and soft-looking hair, Tae can't stop the smile that comes to her lips.

“I wanted to read a book but I couldn’t reach, can you help me? Please?”

Tae’s heart swells as she leans down to the pup's level. “Of course, I can! Why don’t you show me what one you wanted,” diligently Tae follows the little one a few isles over, tugged along by their insistent pulling as he tells her about the pretty cover.

The little pup turns back, furrowing his bushy brows up at Tae, “are you a princess?” he asks. Tae almost has to laugh, a bright happy gender euphoric feeling filling her chest, that feeling of I could be filling her.

She makes her whisper just a little more hushed, playing along, “Don’t tell anyone okay? It's a secret.” The little pup nods, eyes darting around like there are dragons that would threaten her.

“What gave me away?”

“Princesses wear long skirts!” the pup says cheerfully, like it makes the most sense in the world. He's a little too loud and Tae winces. He finally finds the shelve with the story. The spine glimmers pink and gold and Tae is unsurprised to find the illustrated copy of Cinderella. Not the Disney or PJ version, but the Brothers Grimm version.

Tae cringes at the pair of doves on the cover.

Tae doesn’t say that the little pup is too small to read a book so big, or that there is one with more pictures much more appropriate away from the young adult section. The child can’t be more than 6 years old.

But still, Tae retrieves it and delivers it to their waiting arms. The little one clutches it to his chest, thanks Tae, and then promptly plops themselves onto the carpeted floor right there.

He opens the first page, huffs, and then looks up at her imploringly.

“I just realized I can’t read.”

He pouts and Tae melts. Tae wonders where the pup's mother is, but really, there certainly can't be much harm in this. This isn't the first time Tae has been guilted into reading a story to a pup while their parents work or make use of the library's computers.

"Just the first page.” She intones, caution for the child’s hopes in her voice, she presses her skirt under her knees and sits on the scratchy carpet. The pup curls close to see the pictures. Resting his tiny chubby cheek in the billow of Tae’s big puffy sleeve.

Tae's chest is all tight as she reads. The pup is very well-behaved, he pauses, and asks questions in a soft voice only when Tae gives him space to respond. Tae easily ommits the parts that aren't appropriate. but tae finds herself watching the pup a little bit more as the minutes stretch.

In a few years with your own little ones around, will Tae become the defacto bedtime story reader? Will she do this with the pack's pups one day? Will she be the one to take that bright little light in their eyes that imagines things as greater and more and cultivate it? Her cheeks feel warm at the prospect, heart beating like a hummingbird's wings in excitement.

Your pups and Jin's pups too- they're gonna be so loved. Tae's gonna be the best mom to them, The best alpha too.

One page turns into two and then three. In this quiet corner with only Tae’s voice as ruler and god, the little pup hinges on every word. Until there’s another voice close by. An adult not wishing to be loud, a whispered name.

“Jae?”

Tae smiles up at the woman at the end of the aisle of books. Her smile turns sweeter when Jae hops up and runs to press his face into her jeaned thighs. Tae remembers how that felt, how every scent besides Tae’s own omega mother felt overwhelming and icky.

Tae stands with a crack of her knees and makes to hand over the book, “This makes a great bedtime story until about chapter 8, that one you might want to skip until he’s a little older.”

The woman makes to smile, but it only goes so far. Tae watches in perfect detail, everything in slow motion, as her eyes flicker down to Tae’s Addams apple.

She drags her child close by their wrist quicker than Tae can blink. Tae sees the moment that the child realizes this touch isn’t gentle, wide eyes going fear-stricken as he's tugged behind her back. And then it's all downhill from there.

I'll spare you the more vile bits.

But the saddest moment of the argument that follows (Which involves not one but three of Tae's co-workers to calm down the hysterical woman whose screeches echo around the quiet library) is when the pup tries to get his mother's attention. "Mom, I liked that she was reading to me."

"He" the certified Karen hisses, moving in a way that makes the pup flinch back. "-should know better than to corrupt a pup with such- such-" her eyes dart down and up, and Tae's skin burns. "Disgusting behavior."

The misgendering doesn't even sting. What does hurt is the eyes peering in. She isn't being quiet and it's causing many of the library's patrons' attention is diverted. Tae's coworkers have put themselves between Tae and the woman. But there still aren't enough people (enough packmates) in between her and the verbal tirade.

An hour later, after the woman has left after threatening to call the police, Tae talks with his boss and his boss’s boss. The room behind the front desk is glass, and he knows that the door doesn’t keep the sound of their raised voice out.

“I wasn’t harassing her child; I was just helping him find a book for Christ sake!”

The worst part is that this isn’t the first time that this has happened. No- since Tae came out there have been two other complaints leveled against her from bigoted patrons. Both right at the beginning before she got the hang of presenting how she wanted to.

At least those confrontations weren’t face-to-face. At least those complaints didn’t end with someone threatening to call the police and a pup cowering, tugged along too roughly out the door.

The little pup had glanced back at Tae, mouth in pout, eyes swimming with tears.

Even if the woman felt righteous in her anger, the least she could have done was not yell in front of the pup. Tae promises herself right then and there, that she'll never raise her voice in front of the pack's pups, not in anger.

The book has stayed on the counter at the front. Pink and gold and treacherous. Tae hopes that if anything, the pup finds it and reads the ending one day. Stories have a way of finding us, even when the world makes us let them go.

Now in the back room behind the check-out counter. Tae’s boss levels her with an expectant look, the kind that people give when they don’t want to be transphobic not really- it’s just so hard for them not to, so learned. Tae is the nail that sticks up. It’s bullshit really. Tae can tell it's bullshit before she opens her mouth.

“Really? He asked for Cinderella?”

“Yes.” Tae’s biting tone is an alpha’s tone, not a man’s, and yet she knows how it sounds.

“I find that hard to believe.”

“I’m not lying.” Is Tae supposed to only help some children find the books they want? Is she supposed to look at them and make her best guess if they’ve got homophobic parents and skip them over? It’s not her fault that the sweet sweet pup’s parent was a bigot.

“I can’t help but feel like- you’ve got a personal agenda-“

"Charlie-" the district manager cautions.

Tae can’t stop herself from snapping, alpha anger sparking with the intent to burn. “Little boys should be allowed to read Cinderella if they want to” Rats and all. Her hands are shaking, and it isn’t missed by them. The room smells thick with Tae’s spicy cinnamon anger.

The district manager sets her hand on Tae's shoulder, and her anger ebbs just a little. “I think maybe you should go home a little early today, just to cool off. We can talk about it more tomorrow.”

Tae doesn’t want to go home early, Tae doesn’t want to go home at all as she packs up her books. Her bag lighter than usual, absent of the stories that she wants to take home. For once there aren’t any that she wants to read.

She walks to the train station because Jimin won’t be off work for another 2 hours and that’s when he’d usually pick her up, the last three days he’s gotten her flowers too; white roses the first day, pink the second, and red the third. She sends him a text.

Tae <3 (1:48): I left work early today, you don’t have to pick me up, I’ll get an Uber home.

Mini-alpha (1:49):!!!!!

Mini-alpha (1:49): What happened? Are you sure you don’t want me to pick you up? I can leave now.

Tae sighs, looking down at her phone while she waits for the crosswalk light to come on. Red still, green in a few seconds, she only has to wait. She can practically feel Jimin's nervous energy through the phone. it's a wonder he doesn't immediately call her.

It makes her soft. It isn't in Jimin's nature to give any of his lovers any space but he always makes an effort when it comes to her.

Tae <3 (1:53): No. It’s fine. I’ll talk to you when you get home.

Tae doesn’t want to talk to Jimin about transphobia again. At least not yet. It’s too much energy. It’s not that Tae doesn’t want to make what happened during Namjoon’s rut better. It’s not that she doesn’t want to talk about it- it’s just that there’s nothing to talk about, the explanation of his actions are such a burden for Tae to bear. And Tae trusts that Jimin’s heart is in the right place even if he makes mistakes. And even telling Jimin off, yelling at him, wouldn’t change it.

Either one day Tae will not have to deal with bigoted parents, either one day she’ll pass and won’t have to worry, or she'll always be in this awkward middle ground.

Trans people are like toupees, you only notice them when there’s something off, something a little misplaced about them. Tae fears that most of all. Femininity, as much as she wants it, as much as it's hers to take, what if it won't ever fit right? What if she never passes?

Tae loves her job at the library, it’s the perfect mix of boring and safe and easy even if it doesn’t pay enough. But even as she's gained things like skirts and puffy sleeves, she's exchanged them for days like today. Really, the library was her favorite place before today and now, every step away from it makes her feel a little lighter. She's not even angry anymore, just exhausted mentally.

Tae decides to walk home at least she’s in her most conservative channel flats, they could use a little bit more wear and love and Tae’s thoughts are still too sharp. She dulls them to a palatable edge that all falls apart when she gets home.

You’re there, thank fucking god you’re always there when she gets home. You’ll always be Tae’s comfort person.

Tae opens the door with a creek and push of cold air, you're saying something to Yoongi turning with a toss of your hair, eyes brightening when you see her before you've even said her name.

You look a little healthier today, with a little bit more of a rosy glow to your cheeks and a healthy brightness to your eyes, not all glassy.

"Tae! You're home early!"

Tae will never stop being proud of how hard you try, and will never stop being a bit envious either because Tae-

Tae looks at you and wilts, bag flopping onto the floor, and predictably burst into tears.

"Oh- oh Tae."

"Baby girl-"

You and Yoongi are just about the best security blanket a packmate could ask for. You're so good as you pull her down to your level so you can kiss away her tears, maneuvering her like a perfect team onto the couch. Yoongi's strong hands slide off her shoes. Yoongi's fingers digging into her sore heel as you kiss away her every tear.

A substantial amount of babying and a Sos packmate in distress text later, and Tae is reclining across a freshly fluffed nest, the muscles in her body relaxed. The blisters on the back of her feet are bandaged and kissed. Every inch of her body is too.

You don't talk about it until after the pack's facemasks are finished, and hobi's clear coat has dried over the tiny nail sticker that you left. a small bumblebee.

Your skin smells sweet after a long long bath full of fancy bath bombs. Jinnie had also rubbed oil onto her freshly shaven legs. You helped, dragging it along oh so carefully to not nick her skin. Ending each pass with a kiss to her ankle and then upper thigh.

Tae’s head is in your lap now, cheek pressed against your (slightly chubbier) thighs. Her sniffles the background music as Tae gives her final recap of what happened.

Your nose gets a wrinkle in it when you go cross. "There's so much meanness to the world, I hate how people have to add to it."

Jimin’s anger leaves an undercurrent in the air, dragging the other alphas along, Hobi’s hands are strong where they dig into Tae’s shoulders, belly down in the nest while you play with her hair, braiding it back and forth. The attention makes her feel a little tingly.

“Do you know what her name was? Did you get a look at her car-“ Jimin asks, nearly barking. The library has cameras. Jimin knows it does.

Jin sets a hand on the back of his neck, a scruff threatening. “Down pup. Tae doesn’t need you to track them down.” Jimin’s teeth look particularly sharp in the light. For a face so soft he has quite the mouth on him.

“They made her sad,” he growls, but it's softer, more pointed as he crouches over her.

Namjoon’s quiet voice unlocks the whole world's worries, massaging gently down the column of Tae’s delicate neck, rough hands, worn tender touching her regardless. Namjoon is rarely ever so pointed, but it's logical, from an alpha's perspective, Tae knows what he hints.

"I think that if your bosses aren't going to protect you from people like that, then I want you to leave your job." Jin gives him a look like, 'Now you know where I'm coming from' but Tae's the important packmate right now.

Tae rolls Namjoon's words around her tongue, her hand loosely twined with his. Namjoon has the steadiest hands out of everyone in the pack and a few minutes ago he repurposed his surgery skills to do her nails. Took off the chipped red and re-did them because Namjoon knows she feels best when her claws are polished. He checks them now. Tapping them lightly to not smudge them.

It's a girl's night, the first girl's night you've ever had with the whole pack. Tae's face is still glossy from the face mask.

“I don’t think I want to quit; I don’t think that would help at all that’s not going to like- solve the world and all its issues.”

“No, but- if it’s making you more sad than happy. Then maybe it’s worth considering.”

Tae knows Namjoon’s not saying that she doesn’t make enough to affect the pack's finances, but that's still the truth. Hobi pulls himself along her other side and you watch him with heavy-lidded eyes.

Hobi presses a kiss to Tae's temple, “All you want to do is write every day anyways, and we just want you to be happy,” 6 heads nod their agreement.

Hobi isn't wrong; The last four weekends in a row Tae has woken up several hours earlier than the pack would usually stir from morning cuddles, just to get a few hours of uninterrupted writing done. She’s also spent nearly every night in her library room, staying up late after the pack has retired upstairs until one of you comes down and wrangles her upstairs. The pack's prettiest alpha needs her beauty sleep.

But is it enough to count on? Is it worth quitting her job over?

You duck down low, kissing the same spot Hobi did, your lips touching just a Tae away. a heavy breath wooshes out of her chest. "Yeah why wouldn't we want you to quit? If you're always here then I can always do this."

Your kiss is gentle, and it tastes like belonging more than Tae would ever be able to write, to describe. A love that makes you feel like you belong is a rare thing. And Tae's hand goes up to tangle in your hair, keeping you there for just a shared breath longer.

The next breath tastes a bit like freedom. It's scary to be free.

(But Tae leaves her 2 weeks' notice on her boss’s desk before the end of the next work day, and she doesn't feel bad about it one bit).

~-~

(1 year prior)

Maybe the truth is that the reason why you don’t feel you deserve agency is because you know what your agency looks like. The choices you’re willing to make when it comes down to it.

The secrets you tell and the lies you have buried deep in your pocket like one of Hobi’s found things. Something you can’t get rid of and cast back into the ocean. No matter how hard you try. There is something about murder that sticks, that stays no matter how many times you try to wash your hands of it.

It's not guilt, because you don't feel guilty for what you had to do.

Being backed into a corner can make someone do a whole hell of alot of monstrous things. And back then Life was monotonous. Back then there was Anguish without change.

Your life went like this: Go home. Get beaten. Get hurt. Get Raped. Wake up. Meet up with Hyejin. Make poison. Make pastries. Go to the Don’s house. Feed it to them. Listen to Moonbyul tell you to wait. Go home. Get beaten again and again. Get raped every night. On and on and on.

Clean up your blood from the tiles. Clean it from the carpet. Hydrogen peroxide and not bleach. Cover the bruises up with color corrector first before you put concealer over them.

Smile and tell everyone that your husband and you are perfectly happy. There will be a pup on the way soon enough, I'm so lucky to have someone who supports me, and I'm so lucky to have a love like this.

Go home. Get beaten. Get hurt. Get Raped. Go to sleep and don't cry because then he'll beat you for keeping him awake.

In the darkness that curls around you. Blood going tacky between your legs, you start to dream of wicked sweet things.

What you've been through would be enough to make anyone go crazy, Enough to make anyone consider drastic action. Enough to make anyone consider murder.

Enough for you to slide a pair of small syringes off of Moonbyul’s night desk and a small packet of arsenic too. You know how to make a simple syrup. You know how to mix in arsenic to it, how to make it liquid soluble without breathing it in.

You make it in the fine china and break it after so that you can throw it out without worrying. You get a beating for it but you hardly feel it when Geumjae drags you across the floor by your hair. It hardly breaks your heart when he steps on your ribcage with the intent to break bones because you know what you have to do.

After, with your own blood on your teeth, you make sure to leave it in the bottom of the trash, and ask the cleaning staff not to take it out yet. They're supposed to find it.

You don't care if you die, you just want to make sure the necessary villains are punished. When it comes to blame the person who is most to blame is you anyway. You are simply numb to pain, numb to your own anguish. Numb to the idea of your own death too. Geumjae's already killed you in every way that matters.

Cut off a wolf's head and it still has the power to bite; give a girl an enemy and she'll do dangerous things.

Your meetings with the Don and beta always go the same; gossip, and greetings. Sometimes when you come bearing bruises, they tell you to wait just a little longer.

Go home. Get beaten. Get hurt. Get Raped. Wake up. Just give it time for his temper to settle. Once you're mated it will get better.

Even Moonbyul and Hyejin tell you that planning the perfect crime takes time. That you'll be saved if you only wait. Help is coming.

Bullshit.

You’re tired of waiting for him to kill you, you're tired of waiting to die. You're smarter than all of them because you know exactly how to get everything you want and you're willing to do anything to get it.

The next time Moonbyul and Hyejin take you to the Don and Beta’s house under the guise of afternoon tea, you are prepared for war and dressed with revenge in mind. Your white dress knotted at the shoulders falling in a heavenly sheet, like an avenging angel, neither pious nor sinful.

You are a force of nature and nature does not ask when it takes lives.

What’s worse; the people that enable the abusers or the abusers themselves? Who is more to blame for the pain caused?

You are no longer hiding and you won't let them hide this time. The bruise on your cheek is purple and mottled, the rings of bruises on your wrists from his hands while he held you down.

When you smiled at Geumjae over breakfast this morning, there was only one thought in your mind.

You’re next.

Your agency looks like this; elegantly done hair your skirt a little short for fall. A basket of arsenic-backed goods in a basket as is usual. Fluffy pink cupcakes with the perfect Swiss meringue buttercream in little spirals.

A gentle smile at the beta when she opens her doors for you, letting the monster in, because you’ve been over enough times that she trusts you. You suppose that's your doing too, you've fooled her into thinking you're just another idiot girl who decided to marry rich and didn't bother to consider the strings attached. A wolf in sheep’s clothing, you bare your teeth when you smile.

Hyejin has helped on that front; over the past few months, she has taught you exactly the kind of conversation that the beta likes- the useless conversations about family drama, the small little bits that you let through about your husband’s opinion on which pup is marrying whom, which alpha is good or bad for the packs near dozen omega pups that aren’t mated yet. Which alphas are likely to be a liability? This kind of gossip is all information and strategy.

You might have lied in your call to her and told her you were fearful of one of the younger ones- and a conversation you’d happened to witness on a street corner, a shadowy figure that looked a little too severe not to be the authorities. Of course, these kinds of things have to be handled with discretion and ginseng tea.

The Don does not bother to turn down the TV when you walk in, sitting vulnerable in his recliner with his feet up. It doesn’t appear that he has any sort of inclination or plans to interact with you when you sit here at his kitchen table and talk. Instead, he lounges and watches his sports, loud because his hearing is so bad, nearly deafening.

It’s good. hopefully anyone nearby will not overhear.

You hope that if this goes south before you have a chance to confess that they find the letter you wrote at home; the one that says your husband is the one that put you up to this.

You know that the pack’s retribution will be swift, that any sort of alibi he has will be null and void with the evidence you’ve been leaving. A little trail of breadcrumbs that leads right into a pretty little grave for your husband. Even if you won't be around to see it.

You're already a friend of pain. You already find comfort in it. If they kill you (which they will) then at least it will finally be over.

You wait until the moment you know is coming, when the Don looks over his shoulder at you and comands “Be a dear and bring me one.”

You put one of your artfully created confections on a pretty gold-rimed plate and walk to his side, you lean over to put it in his lap as he indicates. the same way he does every time you come over with sweets.

The lingering hand on your ass is hardly abnormal. behind you the beta's tea cup clinks as she sets her tea down and says nothing. even though you know she notices.

He’s so busy coping a feel he doesn’t notice your other hand, going to the syringe duck taped to your thigh.

It happens quicker than the Don can blink. The most powerful man in the underworld can't be bothered to protect his life for a pretty little piece of ass. You smile down at him, and his hand squeezes the round apple of your behind.

His hand is still on your ass when you whip your arm around with as much force as you can and drive the syringe and plunger into his neck.

You must have hit something in his neck because he barely has a second to splutter before he’s going still and quiet. Mouth falling horrifyingly slack. His breath rattles and his eyes dart as his whole body is paralyzed near instantly, in the time it takes for his blood to circulate.

Two paces, swing, plunge.

The beta barely has a second to scream or stand to attack you. You are so much younger than they are. Your body might be fragile and frail but It’s still stronger than hers. Her brief scream is easily drowned out by the scratch of the TV.

She ends up on the floor, the icing on the cupcakes sticky as she falls into half of them, tossed onto the floor by your brief tussle as you straddle her struggling form. Her pushing gets weaker and weaker and she sobs.

It doesn’t surprise you when you see the black tracery of a dying mating mark itching up her skin.

One thing that the family had always been oh so careful of was to talk only in their mother tongue around you. Secrets are best kept when they’re spoken in foreign tongues. It was a way to isolate you. To make them speak English for you to understand felt like a beholden request. At one point It was a point of insecurity for you, always left out of the loop, always relying on your husband to keep you in the know.

You bend over her as her pushing gets weaker and weaker, the arsenic doing its job, causing numbness and the tingling of extremities before it causes paralysis and then coma and death. Your hair falls in a sheet over the beta’s face.

You’ve studied much over the last few months. Enough that you lean in close over her and speak your words in perfect Korean.

“You look so angry,” you croon softly, dragging a finger down her cheek. Spittle froths at her mouth as she breathes heavily. “You shouldn’t- if you want someone to blame you only need to look in the mirror.”

You lean in close until your lips brush her ear, “it's your fault you see- you're the one who lied" you mimic her voice, making it scratchy, "'just wait a little longer, it will be better for the family if you stay quiet." you laugh, "as if that where true, the only person it benefits is you. You where ready to let him hurt me and kill me if i just stayed quiet."

You wipe away a bit of spit from her lower lip, "You always told me how it was your duty to protect the family- but you only serve yourself. If you'd have done something, if you'd have helped me I wouldn't have had to do this. You just wanted me to shut up and die quietly.”

You switch back to English, “Well now it’s your turn.”

You watch her tongue go numb, paralyzed, but the poison hasn’t advanced far enough for her not to speak.

“Fucking- worthless bitch.”

You laugh and stand brushing some crumbs from your skirt. She’s already too weak to move, to shout, or fight you. You watch the light start to leave her eyes, winking out so slowly, like a dying star. But she still looks so pissed.

“You don’t have a right to be angry, you killed me first. You can’t blame me for fighting back.”

She gives her last breath and the TV plays on. Your shoe ticks her hand, her fingers twitching weakly. You watch as she gasps her last breath, a small smile on your face.

You sit at the table and turn the TV down. You wait a few minutes, but it quickly becomes an hour. You have yourself a nice little treat while you watch, turning the channel to a food network while you eat.

You really are a fantastic cook. The crumb on this batch is so nice you don’t even taste the metallic tang of poison. You eat through one, and then another, until the whole basket is empty.

Before you know it there is a concerned knock at the door. The lock clicks and turns when you answer it.

When Moonbyul opens the door, you laugh at the expression on her face. Licking the frosting from your lips. Even that is delicious.

She takes in their bodies, crumpled on the floor the frosting on your cheeks. The evidence. Both of them dying. A violence you cannot undo.

Her voice is somber. “Oh Pup, what have you done?”

~-~

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Come tell me what you liked about this chapter!

~-~

Notes:

this chapter is a very classic bily chapter, in the fact that there is a fuck ton of fluff and then bang the mafia bits just take you out. we needed to get back into the mafia bits of the story sooner rather than later though 💀

i felt like i was going a little too over the top with certain bits of puptalk in this chapter, but i really wanted to use it to show that like yeah- the pack has been treating her alot more gently since her breakdown, they've been babbying the fuck out of her, even if we don't get to see it :(

Hobi's texts are so???? Fucking cute?? He's so hopeless my god he wants to make her feel loved without actually saying it and i hope you read them and just go "oh, you're an idiot."

I have this whole elaborate backstory to how wonho's gym works with monthly subscriptions to classes where people can decide how many classes they want to take a week, ie gym dues for facilities and then discounted classes on top if they pay for it before hand, with several tiers.

this chapter almost feels clerical- this is definitely more of a set up chapter- where i needed to check off a lot of boxes, like hobi's courting present- before we go any further into the story. things are going to start amping up in terms of stakes pretty quickly.

That one part, where hobi is kinda malfunctioning after the m/c touches his cheek and everyone teases him feels the most representative of the pack as a whole. like that part where they're all replying- feels very real. i struggle a little to capture a sense of domesticity in concise ways, but i think this part is very tidy.

That little touch with hobi- where he touches her wrist and her finger, that touch has so much weight to it, i personally think the whole pack was tasting the sexual tension on the air, can you guys feel it too or is it all in my head?

idk why yoongi calling tae babygirl makes me so flustered but it does 🥵

i really wanted to work calling tae mommy into the chapter someway but tbh this chapter felt complex enough without it.

there is like- one plot hole in this whole story, and that is in the first chapter of the story when yoongi gets a call the person on the other line says "grandfather is dying." implying that his death wasn't instantaneous like this is shown to be. however, in my mind- the injections don't actually kill the don and beta but plunge them into a coma that they never wake up from- is this an actual possibility with arsenic poisoning- NO IT ISN'T lol, you're just going to have to suspend your disbelief for me.

the m/c has always been the person who killed the don and the beta- i've known this since like...maybe the 4th chapter? it wasn't in the og og plan for the story but almost everything in bily has been hammered out since then. and tbh you already knew she killed them just not that it was this violent! does this count as a secret???? idk! maybe!!!

she's a little murder baby just like minnie <3

[valentine-writes]

Could you write something about hanahaki disease with Johnathon ohnn? (Could end in angst or fluff either is good :3) no rush ofc, i love your work!!!

choking on flowers.

「 tws + notes: open ended ending, implications/mentions of death (but no Actual Death), unedited, OOC, interpretation of hanahaki may be slightly diff (i haven't heard of this trope thing in a hot min ngl so im not the Greatest With This), pre-collider even though his holes generating flowers is a silly thought which i giggled abt while writing this, present/past tenses are fucked up cuz i changed formatting halfway, angst?? 」

「 gn!reader, (unrequited) romantic relationship </3 」

↳ ft. johnathan/johnathon ohnn

author's note: THANK U SMMM!! (∩^o^)⊃━☆ lowkey 4got thiz thing existed lolz,, and while hanahaki aus are no longer My Thing, i wud b lying if i told u i didn't eat hanahaki ficz up in middle school ＞︿＜!! sooo,, here we go!!! hopefully this is ok,, many apologies for how short it iz aauwgwhwh

this is the third time you've called him today, trying to reach out. the first two times, he had thought he was strong enough to ignore you.

he was wrong. the minute his phone rang out that third time, he practically scrambled over to it just to answer. pathetic.

"you haven't been at work for what,,, almost two weeks now?"

the concern in your voice makes johnathan want to keel over dead instantly– not like he's far from it anyways. he pulls his phone away as he lets out a weak cough. you barely hear it from your end of the call.

"...sick." is all he manages to rasp out, his sore throat preventing him from speaking further. even if he could manage to talk more, he wouldn't know what else to say. how would he tell you? the call ends prematurely. you know you're not going to get more out of him, and he knows that it's better to keep you in the dark about his situation.

to tell you about how his unrequited feelings have manifested into something much more than both of you can handle was completely and absolutely out of the question. how was he supposed to explain he had been coughing up your favourite flowers? johnathan would rather let it kill him.

not only was he humiliated by the sheer intensity of his yearning– he knew you'd end up feeling guilty about it. yet, a part of his heart ached, wishing that he was selfish enough to tell you. maybe seeing you cry over him would give him some semblance of love.

that was an awful thought. he promptly pushed it aside. he'd never want to make you cry.

he could only laugh at how frustrating his situation is. it was inescapable, his fate inevitable and ever nearing– and no one to tell.

he had never felt so alone.

at least i'll have flowers for my funeral, he thought in the deafening silence of his home, finding the energy to let out a weak chuckle over the thought.

–

a few days after the call, his phone buzzed, receiving a text from you:

i'm coming over'

straightforward, at least.

'what if you get sick?' he messages back, trying to generate excuses to keep you away.

you reply swiftly, before he can come up with anything else, unswayed by the idea of potentially catching his illness which, unbeknownst to you, wasn't really transferable anyways. 'we'll wear masks then. omw.'

lovely. you were stubborn as ever. at least you gave him a heads up.

he noticed you made no attempt to keep your distance from him as you dropped off his little care package.

all neatly put into a little basket was some fresh fruit you had insisted he needed, as you rambled over the importance of vitamin c and immune health, a sweet little card filled with "get better soon"s filled by his coworkers at alchemax most of which he knew probably didn't really care all that much, a few packages of cough drops you had been a sweetheart to actually choose ones which had bearable flavours, a blanket, a few snacks, and... flowers.

if you had known exactly what illness, he doubted this choice would have been made. he stared at them silently, finding some sort of humor in the mortifying irony.

-

you said an awkward goodbye at his door, about to turn around and head off– before hesitating for a second.

"johnathan?" the way you looked at him, eyes filled with tenderness and worry– maybe it wasn't so bad after all, for you to be the death of him.

"...yeah?"

you didn't say anything further, instead, choosing to communicate through impulsively squeezing him into a tight hug.

you pull away just as quick as it had happened, yet the warmth of your embrace lingered a little longer, even as you headed out the door. something about you caring so much made it hurt more.

johnathan wondered why you even cared, why you were so persistent about looking out for him– knowing that he'd end up watching you slip away from him again, leaving an ache in his heart nothing could remedy.

he couldn't blame you. not sweet, kind, thoughtful you. he was the idiot, the careless fool who yearned for something he couldn't have.

maybe in another life, he thought to himself.

[shortpplfedup]

Only Friends Character Rankings Episode 3

Man Jojo, Ninew, Ninepinta and Vivienne know exactly how to build a mess because this was OUTSTANDING. Here's how the pimps and hoes are stacking up this week.

🔺1. Boston (3)

Damn! Tilly Birds should write a song about you.

THIS NASTY SHITBAG MOTHERFUCKER YAAASSSSSS KWEEEEN! Boston spent the entire episode mansplaining, manipulating and manwhoring and considering that is what this whole show is even about he fucking wins the week! Stringing Nick along, spewing poison into Top's and Ray's ears, fucking Top nasty in a classic automobile...I don't care what any of you say, he's the winner.

🔻2. Ray (1)

Don’t define it. Just enjoy your life. You said you could differentiate between love and lust.

This dizzy bitch. This messy mess-ass hoe. Playing with everybody's feelings because he can never face up to his own and just fucking deal with his shit. Everybody is correctly fed up of his bullshit, including Sand and Sand LITERALLY JUST MET HIM. Sand telling him to save his money for a shrink was the best advice any character has ever given any other character on any show anywhere.

🔺3. Nick (5)

Can friends with benefits turn into lovers?

Well the boy is dumb but he's not dumb if you know what I mean. Boston is screwing with his head and he knows it, but he just can't help himself cuz dick2bomb. They say you should never actually get your crush, and this is why. Nick being a sneaky surveillance spy bitch is the main reason Boston should've never messed with him, because now he's gonna go NSA on his ass. He wants that man and he will have him, whatever it takes.

🔹4. Sand (4)

If you want a boyfriend, get yourself a boyfriend. Don't mess with me.

SAND YOU KNOW BETTER! YOU KNOW THIS MAN IS A MESS! AND YET YOU ARE STILL FALLING FOR HIS CHARM. Sand giggling and twirling his hair with Ray in the car was...it was embarrassing. I'm embarrassed for you sir. Sack the fuck up. Like when you threw Top the middle finger, more of that. Also, what the fuck happened between those two TELL ME JOJO!

⭐5. Yo

Sweet as sugar, hard as ice. Hurt me once, I'll kill you twice. Haven’t you heard?

We have our first sighting of Yo in the rankings! Homegirl clearly has all her shit together: a thriving business, a hot and devoted younger man, and a house full of kids who stay drinking her dranks and eating her food because they can't get their shit together. And she looks like a bag of money THE ENTIRE TIME, just FLAWLESS. More of her please.

🔺6. Top (7)

♪ I’m a villain, no matter how much I love you, I must die eventually ♪

So he totally planted that guy at the silent disco right? Seemed like a weird play to push Mew along. Because at 3 months, the game's probably gotten a bit boring, especially if Mew's not even giving him the occasional sniff at it to keep him on the hook. Top likes a challenge and he sorta likes Mew, but if Mew really did screw Ray, maybe he's not so interested anymore. To be clear: I absolutely do not think Top is jealous, more like the shine wears off Mew for him if Mew has succumbed before. I still don't trust a thing coming out of this man's mouth, but the way he worked Boston OUT in that car is worth at least a one-rank jump.

🔻7. Mew (2)

-Are you drunk and taking advantage of me? -Don’t you like it though?

Mew is this week's biggest loser, falling the furthest from last week as his shtick starts wearing thin. Mew's overplayed his hand a bit here: his testing of Top has gone on too long. He doesn't even dispute Top calling him his boyfriend even as he insists they're not dating yet. He was totally about to give it up after the party because I think he realised he had gone from a challenge to a bore, but he waited too late, Boston had a chance to get into everybody's head and now it's all fucked. When he finally sleeps with Top next week it's not a victory for him, it's a capitulation. Also, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED WITH HIM AND RAY I NEED TO KNOW LIKE RIGHT NOW I CAN'T WAIT A WHOLE WEEK!

🔻8. Cheum/April (6)

Guys, I think I’m gonna throw a pool party.

Poor Cheum, the only person to remember they are in fact trying to run a fucking business and actually working at the pool party rather than causing and/or engaging in drama, and April right by her side just helping her woman out because her so-called friends are a dumpster fire. As usual, the lesbians gotta be the ones getting shit done.

[plasticfangtastic]

American Royalty. Ch. 3

A Homelander X F! Reader and Dadlander fic.

A/N: Cuz somebody asked 'bout taglist... I'll be including one for those interested, if you want to be in it please leave a comment on the fic and i will include you in the next update as I be working on 'Of the same poisonous ilk' this week thus meaning next ch. of A.R. will come out next week. Plz check My Pin Post for previous chapters!! thxs for reading

Tags: mild gore, angst, slow burn, fluff, oc characther, child neglect, dadlander, romance.

Chapter Three

White.

He followed you for two weeks, in that time he had made up his mind about putting those doubts at rest– he knew Helena wasn’t his. She looked nothing like him. You had to have been lying about the V, some clever ruse that you came up with on the spot, but that doubt now cemented itself, digging and clawing deeper in his brain… that perhaps he had been  mistaken.

So he followed you, making notes about your predictably sad routine– you worked six days a week. The hours varied but you were always working (except for saturdays and most sundays you only did half days), you worked at Lucci’s four days, and as a cook and waitress at a local diner five days for really short shifts at a time either mornings or nights, it was frankly a nightmare to follow. Your skills almost wasted as you broke your back making corned beef sandwiches and serving tables. You usually seemed to make it home by 9 pm, and Kaleem (your boss) and his wife took care of your kid, you seemed close to the family of four that or they liked that your daughter tutored their kids for free, even their 17 year old relied on her, your neighbor also babysat in exchange for dog food and groceries, and money on the occasion.

Your daughter attended a local public school, already attending tenth grade at her tender age. Usually making her own way home or heading straight to your boss’s house, it was bizarre and frightening to see such a small child walk alone in dangerous Brooklyn streets but she didn’t seem afraid in the least, Homelander wouldn’t dare Ryan do that in Manhattan, he could see the tabloids headlines and a dozen dangers.

She entered a small park, resting by a bench for an awfully long time just not doing much until she looked up and stared back at the sky, she waved her tiny hand at Homelander, aware of what building he had been watching her from.

Helena scooted over giving him an open invitation, something he nervously accepted.

That day after seeing you for the first time, he had done his homework ordering a crew of interns to canvas all files for information partaning every child that was given compound V around the time of Helena’s birth, to check any discrepancies in old inventory records, and cctv footage that remained of those days to see if they’ve been altered, he worked them past clock off hours, and after a week they’d come empty handed, no child was given V that matched her description, he had found the hospital you’ve given birth and found no record of Vought’s grimy fingers, nor of any rogue scientist feeding kids V that was operating or suspected to operate around that time, His team also found that you never entered Helena on any casting calls, pageants or events. She had no superhero name registration or trademark, Vought manager or caseworker, or appeared on Vought’s records in any capacity, he clung to hope that maybe the information would come to light but the twenty people on the case were having no luck.

He entered the lab where a young recruit who had the least to lose handed him the results. He dared not read them outloud and instead took a step back as Homelander slumped against the wall.

So here he was staring at this little girl.

“You’ve been following my mother. I don’t really understand nor care much, but following me is a tad creepy, sir.”

“Could you hear me from over there?” He asked surprised, trying to look imposing with his stiff shoulders.

“I sensed you… I keep my radar on when heading home, that way I can keep an eye for treats– in the absence of super senses.”

“What sort of treats?” he said with ignorant concern.

“You don’t come down to the projects very often, do you?” She found his stiff posture interesting, wondering how much of it was habit versus the suit– so how may I help you?”

“I had some business with your mother.”

“Then how does it pertain to me?” she scoffed.

“Your mother never registered you with Vought. All super-abled children whether they choose to pursue this career or not– have to be registered at some point. I couldn’t find any records of a Helena L/N or your Superhero persona”

She chuckled lightly.

“Sure. That’s something the boss handles instead of some mid-level intern… So you think my mother stole some compound V while she was under your employment? I guess after a bunch of Supervillains began to come out of thin air– it is concerning that there’s unregistered Supe’s wandering around.” She stands up– If my mother had stolen compound V for profit do you think we would be living in this place?” She leaned back trying to control that shit eating grin teasing her lips.

“A cover story.”

“I think I was right about you.” She fixes her backpack, jumping off the bench, he follows her as she begins to walk away– "I always liked A-Train more than you. Out of the whole lot you look the most maladjusted, sir.”

“You have quite the mouth there, little missy.” His irritation was more than visible, he scrunched his hand, and the girl could only raise a corner of her thin lips in disbelief– "Your mother failed to teach you manners didn’t she?”

“I have manners. I reserve them for people who aren’t peeping toms, you clown.”

Homelander eyes glittered red, trying to control his anger, he looked away, squeezing his eyes– she was just a little girl with a mouth afterall, she could afford to be a brat.

As she walked away before he could take a step to pull her– Helena had disappeared. Everything about her was gone, he looked around finding nothing, the air hadn’t been pushed so she hadn’t run at hyper speed, he looked up to see if she had taken flight finding nothing, not even a shadow out of place– she had simply vanished.

He was left perplexed, his senses unable to pick up on anything nearby.

He was back at the tower, looking at the pile of documents they had gathered of you, your finances were a wreck, he hadn’t even remembered asking for any of these things done to you. His chest heavy as he noted just how thorough Vought had been, but that meant nothing, he had money to spare. Helena had a bad mouth but what child wouldn’t be hardened by living in the slums? What child wouldn’t come out damaged if they lived so poorly and without a father? By a mother that had done nothing but neglect them. 

He could fix it.

“What are you doing?” Ryan asked, entering his father’s studio as he read– I saw this movie was out and I thought…”

“Just work, tiger.” He pushed his work down– we can go see a movie… let me see if Ashley can reserve the cinema for us.”

That wasn’t what he wanted to hear, but it was something.

Homelander could barely contain his excitement, he was certain Ryan would be happy when he could deliver the news.

Now he was at your workplace once again, just an hour before opening. It was only you, another cook and your boss doing all the prep-work, he was out in the back as you stood out to drop some rubbish, your apron covered in flour and you reeked of san marzano tomatoes and shampoo.

“We need to talk.” He said firmly.

“I don’t want to talk to you.” You said weakly, feeling bile burning at the bottom of your throat– I… I have to go.”

“Helena is my daughter so we need to talk.”

You froze, your eyes so wide they could pop out of their sockets if you opened them any further, you looked at the door and closed it wishing nobody else heard him, not even the rats and roaches.

“There’s nothing to discuss. I told you… I told you back then she was yours! And you ruined my life for it!” 

“Don’t be so dramatic, I just dumped you.” he waved his arms to match his scoff– now–

“You… You… You don’t remember what you did? God I really didn’t matter to you…” You couldn’t hold back the flow of tears– You took everything from me!!”

The gap between you two was broken by your own feet, your knees shook but hatred kept you standing.

“You had me blacklisted from every fucking restaurant in the country! Most of my savings were frozen by the fucking FBI over some bullcrap investigation, and I still can’t even touch my own fucking money!! My insurance was canceled somehow! and then your fucking company bought my apartment building and evicted me!!” You growled and shouted, your spat on his face as you pushed him to no avail– I was pregnant living in my fucking car with a few thousand dollars in the most expensive city in the world!!”

Homelander had nothing to say, feeling the spit drip down his cheek.

“I… I lost everything. And just to hurt me you made Helena a Supe… did it make you happy? Did it make you happy when I had to sleep in a shelter with a newborn and 30 thousand dollars in debt!?” You took a step back trying to clean the tears clinging to your eyes– You don’t get to talk about my daughter.”

“The one you barely see.”

“WHOSE FUCKING FAULT IS THAT!!?” you pulled on his suit forcing him to see you straight in the eyes– We got nothing to talk about. Helena is mine, you abandoned her! you don’t get to waltz into her life as if you deserve it after all you did! She doesn’t need you! Not when all the pain you cause wasn’t worth it”

“I didn’t know I could have children.”

Becca had looked at him with fear and disgust more than anger, but your words reminded him of her, he had made a mistake then, now Ryan had to live with the weight of killing his mother. Had he played his cards less impulsively, she would have relented. 

“I was told I was infertile. That I had nothing down there, not even wonky swimmers! Why would I believe you…?” He bit his lip grabbing your hands as he had gently done so in the past– my whole life I was told I could never have a family, the one thing they failed to do when they made me… until I discovered Ryan… back then… back then I–

“Don’t touch me.” You pulled your hands but his grip is solid– I don’t want to listen to you.”

“I am sorry!”

His eyes were hurt, he softened his grip as you took your bruised hands back.

You wanted that apology but this wasn’t it. It didn't matter at the end, you wanted him gone but you would regret this later, as you saw those hurt blue eyes, all you saw was his daughter, it was as if she had a copy of his expression tattooed on her dna.

“... Come to my house by midnight tonight…”

You left him there.

Thinking of Helena’s tear filled blues.

You were becoming insane, the whole day at work you stayed silent, quietly building pies and cutting pizza, just another busy day. Calling the diner telling them Helena’s sitter had called in sick, and nobody could watch you kid.

Helena seemed happy to have the extra time with you even if all she did was do her homework and listen to some free college classes that she had somehow managed to enroll in (probably thanks to her teachers) while you watched TV. You looked at the recording discussing thermodynamics which she seemed to be struggling with. By ten she was in bed and you waited, finding yourself baking a Torta della Nonna while waiting for a man you weren’t sure would show up, taking a short nap until something tapped at your foot.

“Helena…?” you said groggily.

“No.”

Looking at him in your home woke you up harder than an earthquake, you jumped on your feet quickly to make distance.

“You could knock on the door! Did… Did you come through the window?”

“Didn’t want to wake up Helena.” 

“Please don’t pretend you suddenly care about her. Look… I will listen to you… I need to know why you made her a Supe.” your words are low but fast.

You took to the kitchen, taking a small pot, honey and saffron.

“I want to know what you want so YOU can move on, and leave us alone.”

He stood by the entrance arms tucked behind his back with a look of indignation, as you took the milk out of the fridge.

“I made cake… still like milk?”

You heated the milk, infusing it with a pinch of saffron and a dash of honey, you seemed happy to serve this, this was what you served Helena when she had too many bad days.

“Helena is a very special girl… she’s so smart but I think she’s lonely. Her powers make it hard for her to have friends, being a super genius makes it hard for her to relate to kids… then on top of that there are the other powers– she really lucked out there but I can’t afford to make her into a Supe.  You wasted your time there.”

She was your pride, you wanted to bolster to anybody about how special your daughter was, she was all you had after all, the only thing that kept you going. You wanted to shove it in his face just all the good that he had thrown away, and will never experience.

“She can teleport.” He said taking the cup, the taste was sweet and delicious, it would help him sleep soundly tonight– pretty impressive.”

“Teleport?” You look puzzled then your head shakes as you laugh lightly– no, silly. She can’t teleport. I gathered you talked to her– don’t do that again. But… no she can’t teleport… Helena can turn invisible like Translucent but better… She can make her clothes invisible too, and make psionic force fields. What you witnessed was her putting herself in an invisible bubble and making the bubble float away from you.”

You tried to contain the panic inside you with a stiff grin, boasting calmed you down.

“I didn’t hear her heartbeat.” He argued back.

“What happens in the bubble stays in the bubble… including sounds. Trust me I’d sat down and watched her experiment.” 

“That’s impressive.” He smiled proudly.

“Until she runs out of oxygen.” you moved past him wishing you had space for a dining table, all you had in your living room was a coffee table, your couch, the TV and two large floor cushions, you and Helena ate on the floor in front of the TV and your seating options felt too intimate but alas is the floor– she has two types of force fields…”

“Can she fly?”

“Technically no but yes if you ask her, the second type of bubble… she can float inside it, but I won’t let her test the limits of the bubble.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t want my daughter to end up splattered all over the sidewalk!” you hissed.

Homelander followed you, taking his place on the floor too excited to talk about this to care about being asked to sit like a dog 

“So she’s out there with the best… When she was three she told me her superhero name was ‘Ghost Girl’ but that died quickly. So it's your turn to talk, Homelander.”

Homelander was unsure where to begin, taking a long sip of his drink, you had stopped calling him by his name, you had taken John and made it your own, but he had taken it back as he ended it all.

So he told you quite a story, about how he learned about Ryan, about all the secrets Vought had kept from him, how they had kept Ryan trapped in a cage, about the lies he told you about his parents, and his actual upbringing. You sat in silence unable to respond as he told you the horrific things he endured with a straight face, as if you were speaking to somebody else, about how much he had wanted a family and about how he felt when he believed you’d betray him.

Homelander had been happy, he thought he had finally found somebody to have a life with, he was angry, he wanted to hurt you, and after it was all done he pushed your memory aside.

But above all how he now regretted it all.

“I was awful to you, but now that Vought belongs to me that means they will never hurt Helena.”

You stared at him coldly.

“So Ryan was born with powers… So no matter what– Helena would have always had powers?”

“I don’t know. Her powers are nothing like mine, and she’s still young so she might…”

“God I certainly hope not. Look I’m sorry all of those things happened to your son, and you. I’m glad Helena is safer now, and I thank you for that— but cut to the chase. What is it that you want? You want me to tell her about you? She never wanted a father, heck I don’t think she needs me!” You snapped, trying to force the empathy out of your system.

“Why would you say that?”

“Helena is… different… I dunno what is happening in her mind ever.”

It stung to say those things, your love for her didn’t change things, but it was a pervasive thought you endured… awful thoughts about your daughter.

“Helena was a quiet baby… hardly ever cried. I took her to several doctors and nobody could figure out why my baby didn’t cry, why she seemed to live inside her mind, why she always stared at nothing… When she started to talk, the more she absorbed, the more she learned, the less of a baby she became– my daughter is an adult trapped in a baby’s body.” You took a quick bite but it was hard to swallow– the first time she showed her powers… the force fields… we were walking home when some drive-by took place. We had only gone for a stroll, I wanted to save on gas so we walked to the grocery… we… when the bullets stopped in front of my own eyes.”

You could see that sunny afternoon so vividly, the random kids doing their thing until some gray car drove by, the thunderous sound of bullets, and a wounded boy staring at the bullet that would’ve taken his life had your daughter’s forcefield hadn’t enveloped the whole sidewalk.

With a slight flick of her wrist the bullets were returned, two men lost their lives and one was wounded, the group of kids on your sidewalk survived and the boy who almost bled out, your boss’s nephew helped you get your job.

“Helena didn’t care.”

Those two lifeless bodies rotting slowly before you, hadn’t mattered to her, she simply scoffed and asked if the police were going to arrest her before the ice cream melted.

Homelander now had something to work with in terms of records but he didn’t need them anymore.

“I love her… but I worry she’s…”

“She just needs to be with more of her kind. Y/N I want to offer you a job… your job back…”

“No.” You jumped back on your heels– I don’t want anything to do with you, Homelander.”

“I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes I did with Ryan and her mother! I want to be in her life and you need me to be in her life…” He bore his fangs– with her powers you cannot provide her with the future she deserves. You would never clean enough tables and scrape enough tips to get her what she deserves–

“So you’re just going to wave money at me and act like that fixes everything?” There was so much disgust in your face, even he grew silent– I… I don’t want your money and I’ll make sure Helena has all she needs, if you want to give me money why don’t you start by unfreezing MY bank accounts so I can move the fuck out of this place! If you are so concerned about your daughter’s wellbeing all of a sudden… then let me take care of her.” You growled at him.

“Would that be enough for you to let me be in her life?” He looked so vulnerable right now trying not to anger you further– If you take… if you take the job at Vought you’ve making four times what you make at your two jobs”

“I don’t want to owe you anything.”

You hated yourself, your ego and your honor had been bruised and never healed, you clung to those broken limbs hoping you had it in you to deny him but that look in his eyes and his crazy story told you he wasn’t ever going to stop until he got you to agree.

You knew what man he truly was, you could still see the red, hear his screams and the smell of blood. For once you had to be a hypocrite.

“... You… You can’t tell her… until… until I think it is okay… I won’t work for you… not the job that you’re offering me… I can quit my second job and take yours part-time. I’ll choose my days! Only three days tops, same pay! and Helena can have access to Vought training resources and daycare.” You sank on your shoulders– her powers are only going to get stronger and if she ever loses control… it’ll be my fault if somebody gets hurt again.”

The request was absurd but Homelander was on his feet taking your hand, a beam in his eyes and a shaky smile.

“Your son… he might take it badly if you suddenly bring another kid saying is his sister, you have to be gentle or he’ll get hurt. We can try figure this out… just don’t hurt my kid or yours.”

Your concern was genuine, and his heart began to melt as he saw the worry in your eyes for a child that wasn’t yours.

“Thank you… can… can I come tomorrow to discuss the details?”

You nodded, unable to look at him in the eyes any further, shocked when you received a strange short lived hug, as he parted and headed to the door where your daughter slept soundly, he peered through the crack for quite some time.

You hated him but you couldn’t deny you needed the help, he owed you seven years of child support, he had made you sleep in your car, he had made you fearful of sleep as you slept in shelters and filled you with shame as you jumped from couch to couch with the world's quietest baby.

So he had his usefulness, money wouldn’t fix anything but it would make Helena's life easier.

Taglist: Hi 'cuz you asked here you go @fromforeigntofamiliarity

[flutter2deceive]

Bitching about financials and job things under the cut

My company announced like 2 months ago that our jobs are being eliminated, but it's like this nebulous thing because they're outsourcing and we need to transfer all our products, so my end date isn't until 3/31/2026. Like that's so far in the future and I'm gonna get severence (at end date, i will have worked there for 20 years literally over half my life) + a retention bonus, so I'll be ok for a little while after the fact i think i hope

But anyway i decided to immediately start cost-cutting 2 months ago:

•canceled subscriptions (canceled hulu, paramount+ (i have a plex server hookup anyway), canceled ubereats (and also stopped ordering from them altogether), canceled or went down a level on my minimal patreon subs)

•signed up for Shell's rewards system (it's literally free and you save at least 20cents/gallon every single time and sometimes more without having to spend any money you just click a button and boom extra 10cents if you fill up on a specific day.)

•haven't done *any* fun online shopping or regular store shopping for that matter

•severely cut down my fast food spending (i'm sorry taco bell ily), and as my friends are in similar financial woes, we've stopped ordering food every weekend and opted to make cheap dinners where we each bring some small component like 1 brings pasta 1 brings sauce 1 brings garlic bread

•this isn't a recent change, but i never go out anywhere for like drinks or to see local comedy shows like i used to frequently do. I'm a homebody who goes into the office twice a week and goes to my best friend's house on saturdays and just sits at home the rest of the time

Even with all that!! My debit card is at $26, my 1 credit card is $3 away from its limit, the other is $21 from its limit. I *thankfully* get my paycheck at midnight, but like... woof!

Last paycheck i was down to less than $100 the day before as well. It's so mind-boggling to me that it's this bad. Partially because I've had some unfortunately-timed plumbing issues and had to pay a pricey deductible (but glad i have the insurance obv cuz of how much the total cost would've been otherwise.) But also partially cuz i feel like shit is so much more fucking expensive than it's ever been!! And the last gallon of milk i bought and properly refrigerated went sour like a full week before its expiration date.

I have a decent job and make pretty good money (for now at least.) I have made several cost-cutting measures recently. I feel like I don't *do* anything. And it literally doesn't matter!!

My best friend who has an equally comfortable job told me he had about the same amount of $ as me to last him til his next paycheck too.

And on top of the financial stress, i am so fucking stressed at work because no one knows what they're doing and i keep getting roped into things at the last minute with an IM that says "hey got time for a quick call?" And then i end up having to put together a complicated spreadsheet that is needed by end of week. Why didn't you fucking ask sooner than 2pm on a thursday?! Oh cuz someone who will still have a job at the end of this didn't do what they were supposed to? Ok sure I'll get right on that. And I do. I do get right on that and have it back to you within a couple hours. Because i stupidly care about my job.

Ugghhh i hate everything atm... Except i was able to livestream my favorite singer Terri Clark's debut concert at The Ryman tonight. And i have a ton of Fran/CC fanfics queued up to read. And the Ghosts discord is constantly coming up with the cutest scenarios for H$, my current otp. And i am off the entire next week because next Friday is my birthday. And my dog is snoring.

So i guess it hasn't been such a bad day after all, Charlie Brown... or some such sentimental nonsense 🙃🙃🙃

[brb-on-a-quest]

Day Fourteen Day Fifteen Day Sixteen

im SOOOOO SORRY that I left you guys hanging those two days! *cries* the first one I genuinely forget, and the second I was too busy to do it- and I think that this is not the first time this might happen, since the farm (oh yeah, if you're not one of my regular followers, you should know I'm a farmhand lol) is picking up steam, during my down time Im trying to do more physical rest for my body to recover. which means unfortuantely, Ive been spending less time on here in general, and that my longer posts that take more time to write have had to pause for a while.

so, I'm sorry to say but this is the last day i'll be able to do this for a while, but maybe forever. I've had so much fun with it and loved to see everybody's different answers, and how we've all connected!! but for at least a few days/weeks, I need a bit of a break lol. if anyone wants to pick up this game again, with the same list of people I've given already or different ones, you are more than welcome to! and I'm not leaving Tumblr, I'm just not going to do this particular ask game anymore.

our final question: what is something that you you want in your life, and what can you do to achieve it? what steps do you need to take to earn the life you see yourself living?

thank all of you so much! I hope to return again maybe sometime! I wish you all the best :)

Awww no worries gracie! take care of yourself first. Def appreciate all the work it must've taken to come up with good questions. I'll be sure to haunt your inbox soon with hopefully some equally thought-provoking (or not) questions.

ok, actual question: our final question: what is something that you you want in your life, and what can you do to achieve it? what steps do you need to take to earn the life you see yourself living?

To be honest, this question has haunted me for the past...well since before high school. (has it really been almost 10 years since I was a baby highschool freshman?). To be also perfectly honest, my depression and anxiety were so bad I was never convinced I would make it as far as I did... which allowed me to put off answering the question for a long while until the Hour of College Applications approached.

Well, against all previous conceptions of my future, I am still alive and about to graduate in December (literally how) and set to walk across the beautiful stage in May to get my undergrad diploma with some kind of academic honors (I forget the Latin for it). Definitely not the highest GPA, but I am relatively proud of myself considering the effort and, for lack of a better phrase, blood, sweat, and tears that have gone into this. So, steps that need to happen in order to graduate

Pass classes (Preferably with A's but I'm also in a position where hopefully my self-esteem won't die with a B or 2).

Write and Finish my thesis (shaking crying throwing up I don't have enough capacity for this even if it's only 15 pages in Spanish)

Study and hopefully pass a GRE (graduate school readiness exam I think? 'cuz I'm told it's a good idea for master's school applications I can not stress enough how much I hate standardized tests and am so anxious about this that I haven't even opened my books yet, I've just been throwing myself into thesis research instead; I 'know not all schools require this but I'm going into something that's not my major, so I feel some kind of need to prove myself).

Apply to graduate schools for counseling!

Only four things... it shouldn't be so bad.... one would think... (can I please just skip to the part where this is over why do people call college the best years of my life).

The other thing I want to work on is just being a better person and in particular a better friend. My goal is therapy, particularly pediatric therapy because it's such a neglected area where I'm from and also in general I think because there tends to be stereotypes of "oh children can't have mental health problems." but doing that means I want to develop more compassion, friendliness, and patience and gentleness and actual listening skills while being assertive...yk an environment that nurtures personal and other's growth. Which is really hard. Progress has been made but still more to go.

[artemistorm]

Avalanche rescue pt 5

Haha JK this isn't the last chapter in this story XD, got at least 1 more cuz I had to split this chapter up.

Tw - hypothermia, mention of blood, unconsciousness

Other parts if you haven't read them yet:

[Pt 1] [Pt 2] [Pt 3] [Pt 4]

******* (947 words)

Dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig Wolfie and Bunny pup quick dig around Special Cub, but cub buried deep. Cub tried help dig, but hands shake, too cold. Wolfie mouth-grab spade, took away.

“Cub no dig!” He woofed.  Wolfie borrowed blanket from blanket pile around Smallest pup, gave to Special cub. “Cub be still, warm up!”

“Th-thanks Wolfie.“ Wild said taking the blanket and wrapping it around his head and shoulders. ”I can still help be part of my own rescue you know. My hands do still work.”

“Too slow! In the way!” Wolfie told him. Dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig--

 “It's not like you were making very much progress on your own with that tiny spade,” Legend said. “Don't worry about it; we got it.”

Dig dig dig dig... sniff sniff listen... noisy snow-walking noises, big Hylian smell... rest of pack coming!

“Here! We're HEEEERRREEEE!!!!” Wolfie howled, tail wagging. Pack almost together again!

Wolfie took off chasing the smell and the noise. Bring pack to camp-den.

“I smell you! Come here!” Wolfie called.

“There's Wolfie again, we must be almost there!” Wind exclaimed.

“Hi! Hi! Hi!” Wolfie rubbed against Baby pup. “Come on!”

“Yep, there they are!” Hyrule pointed. “Come on Sky, we're almost there.”

“Heyyyy! There you guys are!” Legend smiled as the rest of the Chain emerged from the trees. “Are you all okay?”

“No major injuries, but Sky's having trouble breathing again and Wars is probably hypothermic,” Hyrule reported importantly. “Are you guys alright?” He glanced quickly from Legend to Wild to Four sleeping in the ground, his eyes lingering on Four.

“The two of us are just peachy,” Legend answered. “Four's had a rough time of it, but he'll be fine with some rest and potions.”

“Give me a minute... to catch my breath... but I've got some digging mitts... I can help dig up Wild,” Sky huffed.

“Nope!” Wolfie yipped. “Sky pup rest!” Wolfie block Sky pup and lean into legs. “Sky pup sit!”

“Wolfie!” Sky teeted against the weight pressing against his legs before falling back into the snow.

“Hehehehe Wolfie says no,” Wind laughed. “Pass me your mitts! I wanna try them out!”

Yes! Baby pup use digger claws to help dig up Special Cub!  Wolfie quick-lick Sky pup's face, went back to Special cub.

Hole around Special cub deep and steep, hard for Wolfie to get in and dig around. Front legs tired from deep-snow running and dig dig digging. But almost done. Only Special Pup left stuck. Wolfie rest soon but not yet! Time to dig!

Dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig--

“Hyrule, why don't you start making a pot of something hot to drink?“ Time said. ”Warriors, do you mind checking on Four? Make sure he's warm enough?”

“Sure, I can do that,” Hyrule said cheerily.

“I have ssome safflina in my pouch you cann use,” Wild said patting his belt pouch. “Just unburied.”

“Nah, I have some I stole from you last week while you were sleeping,” Hyrule dismissed him.

“I'll do it, but I see what you're trying to do Old Man,” Warriors said.

“You should change out... of your wet clothes,” Sky said, his breathing starting to calm down.

“You BOTH should,” Hyrule said.

Pack work together to dig up Special Cub--Bunny Pup and shovel, Old Father and extra shovel, Baby pup and digger claws, and Wolfie digging paws. Special Cub wiggle wiggle wiggle and Wolfie dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig--knees free!

“I'm going to lift you out, okay? Try to slip out of your boots,” Time said.

“Okay.” Special cub nodded, held up his arms to Old Father. Old Father grab Special Cub around middle, lifted and pulled. Wolfie grab Special cub pants and pulled too! Together pull Special Cub free!

Old Father carried Special cub to other cold pups. Wolfie stayed right beside. Old Father set down cub on blanket.

“Yay! Yay! Special cub free!” Wolfie whined, rubbed against Special cub sides and back, licked face.

“Wolfie, he'll be fine,” Old Father pulled Wolfie away. “The others are taking care of him. Can you help me get his boots out of the snow and fill in the big hole?”

“NoOoOoOo,” Wolfie whined. “Fine. I help,” Wolfie huffed. Wolfie wanted to snuggle with cold pups. Wolfie was tired puppy.

“Wolfie's done a lot for us today. Why don't you let him rest?” Sky said.

“I'll take over for him,” Warriors volunteered. ”As long as there's another shovel somewhere.”

“You should be warming up near the fire,” Time shook his head. “You were buried for a long time.”

“I've changed clothes and the physical labor will warm me up,” Warriors said.

“...alright then. You hear that Wolfie? You're off the hook.”

“Just take it easy with your bad shoulder,” Hyrule told Warriors. “Don't make me heal it again.”

“It's fine, Rule, don't worry about it.”

Wolfie curl around Special cub, nuzzle hair, lick cold ear, happy whine and tail wag.

“Thanks for digging me up Wolfie,” Wild grinned and leaned into Wolfie.

“Let's get you out of those wet clothes,” Sky said. “Wolfie why don't you go sit with Four for now?”

That's right! Smallest pup hurt cold. Need Wolfie to lick face and wake pup up. Wolfie went to Smallest pup, curled around head, lay down. Feel good to lay down, rest tired limbs. Slow sniff Smallest pup fur--blood and snow and wet fur and healing light. Fur messy. Pup need grooming. Lick lick lick lick lick...

To be continued! Almost there! :D

[danpuff-ao3]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💙

Oooh, thanks for passing this to me, Lizzy! 😄 Let's see....100 fics, how to choose 5? 🤔 Well all know #1 already, don't we? 😂 So I'll take a leaf out of Lizzy's book and do a countdown to 1!

5.) A Matter of Time

Harry/Severus. Rated: E. Words: 3,686. Written for Snarry Adopt-a-Prompt 2022. Features reverse chronology and alternating POVs! Also: ambiguous/open ending (my love!) It feels like the Snarry of my youth, that angsty and spicy student/teacher, and some good old fashioned tragedy! I really feel like I pulled the thing off with this one! (What is said "thing"? Who knows.) Also, not to pat myself on the back but...that final line? Ouch.

4.) Cruel Summer

Harry/Sirius. Rated: E. Words: 5,445. Minor Harry/Severus. Written for HP Chan Fest 2022-2023. Features gorgeous art by @mrviran. It's a fic I've had floating around my noggin' for a few years but finally felt the call to write for Chan Fest! Our two beloved, troubled boys (Harry and Sirius) live together post PoA, and sees them through plenty of dysfunction, manipulation, and other problematic content 🤭 They have a very complicated (and angsty!) connection and I am so so pleased with how it came out! It's very bit as spicy, sad, and twisted as I'd hoped!

3.) The Curse of Anteros

Harry/Severus. Rated: E. Words: 52,566. Written for Snarry Bang 2023. Inspired by an episode of Charmed called "Magic Hour" (which itself was inspired by a movie called Ladyhawke). This is another idea I've long wanted to write, but never knew how to write it until now. Curses, fairytales, magical animals, true love!! Begins with student/teacher and carries on through time to old men Snarry!!!! This fic really grew way out of control and I'm so glad it did. It feels like...a "proper" story, if that makes sense? Actual plot! Novel length! Who am I even???? Anyway I'm stupidly proud of this one. Also: ART BY MRVILLAIN AGAIN, MY BELOVED TEAMMATE, I'M OBSESSED. Like...idk I'm blown away. Which sounds bad cuz this is my story, but I don't care. This is genuinely a story that not only was I so pumped to create, but one that I'd have LOVED to read as a reader! Had someone else written this I'd have lost my mind reading it. I hate saying that, it sounds so arrogant, but I don't care, I'm losing my mind over this one. I wrote it in like 2 weeks!!!! This fic POURED out of me! And I love it!

2.) Collateral Damage

Draco/Ron. Rated: E. Words: 16,071. Written for Ron-Draco Fest 2021. The first draft of this got to like 10k before I had to scrap it and start totally over. Somehow the original opening kept winding down the wrong path. So finally after fighting with it for way too long (and only 2 weeks to go until it was due), I gave it up and tried again. Decided: "hey, let's open with porn and see what happens." Well...That worked. That did it. All I needed was to open with a BJ for magic to happen, who knew? I ended up with a story I was super jazzed about, and to my great surprise (and pleasure!) others loved it, too!!

1.) Contempt | Devotion

Harry/Severus. Rated: E. Words: 20,400 | 25,843. Written for Snarry-a-Thon 2022 and 2023. This one's cheating a bit since it's technically 2 fics, but it's also the same story in different POVs so...it kinda counts, right? Also I know people have told me they liked Devotion more but I can't help but admit that Contempt itself still holds the top spot in my heart! And while I think say The Curse of Anteros is a better overall story, I don't think any fic ever will top Contempt. I mean, never say never, but Contempt is the story of dreams. It's my heart and soul. It's the Snarry I've always wanted to write. The story, the dynamic, the characterizations, everything. It's everything I've wanted in a Snarry since I first began reading Snarry 20 years ago. Like...I have no words to express just how meaningful this work is to me. This is literally the culmination of all of my Snarry feels. I dragged this story out of my gut. I pulled it out of my skin and wrote it in my blood. That's how connected I am to this work. (Wow that sounds really dramatic but also...true.)

Genuinely I was so cared people would hate it, but I wrote it anyway because I needed it and I loved it. I'm very glad to say that plenty of others love it with me! And this is another one @mrviran offered love to in the form of a podfic! (Plus cover art!) I'm fully obsessed with the podfic (AND ART!) and I get all teary eyed when I think about it, that my dear friend worked so hard to bring more life to my baby. 🥹

Kinda funny how my favorite works (and what i consider some of my best works) were all for fests. Fests really do inspire me, even if they make me want to pull my hair out. 😂

Also is it cheating to give honorary mentions to Lover Boy at Play, In My Veins (In My Blood), Orange Blossoms, Teardrop in Your Palm, and Black Skies? 👀

[lollytea]

My Luz-centric brain is currently driving me insane with the possibilities of how she may fit into the Force of Nature AU.

Like, first off, this could completely recontextualize her relationships with both characters. For Hunter, I see it going either one of two ways.

She works with, or at least meets, Force and Hunter pre-Young Blood Old Souls, and this is how Hunter is introduced to Luz, in his quiet, kinder persona. They're not super close or anything, they'd probably only meet once or twice, but their relationship is most likely positive. Then in season two Luz becomes enemies with the Golden Guard, which is kinda awkward for Hunter because he knows her and she's not some horrific wild witch, despite going against the emperor's rule? But he still plays it up, until you get to Hunting Palisman. Now the face reveal scene is more than just that, but it's also an identity revealed scene, so Luz now knows the Golden Guard is a benevolent superhero in his spare time.

She meets Hunter as the Golden Guard and the events of HP go about the same, except now we have the dramatic possibility of Luz meeting Force's super cool sidekick, only to realize it's, y'know, Hunter.

Based on how much I wrote for 1 you can probably tell which one I prefer. Speaking of Force, Luz's relationship with Willow would also change. I feel you could easily replace Luz learning Willow was gifted with plant magic with Willow being Force and not change anything, and then Luz is freaking out because oh my god I'm training to be a witch AND I'm a superhero's bestie?! Amazing! Sorry I initially meant this as a simple question but my brain kinda lost track of itself. I'll stop now.

Ooooooh yeah!! I didn't talk about Luz much in this AU because she's the main character of her own story and Willow doesn't really play a big part in the main plot of season 1 so it's easy to imagine her off having these superhero adventures when she's not involved in those season 1 hexside based antics with Luz. But yeah I did imagine that while Luz was too tied up with her witch apprenticeship to get involved in Force of Nature stuff, she is aware of it and the two stories have probably crossed paths once or twice.

Luz was clearly in the Demon Realm for a few days-possibly weeks before she met Willow in IWATA so I like to imagine that she's definitely at least heard of Force of Nature or possibly saw her in action from a distance. The emotional eye glow is actually very rare with witches so that specific shade of neon green becomes an iconic staple of the Force persona. Everybody recognizes it. So when Luz is spying on Willow and Amity from the bushes and Willow has her little temper tantrum and the vines begin to writhe and her eyes turn into that, it clicks for Luz who this person is. So their first meeting is extra cute cuz they're both geeking out over each other. It's like.

"You're human :D!!!'

"You're a superhero :D!!!"

(Sidenote: the concept of Superheroes are very much a thing from human realm pop culture. So while that is basically what Willow and Hunter are, they don't actually know that. Luz is the first person to call them Superheroes, quickly followed by Gus. And his influence with the whole penstagram thing leads to the term being thrown around as the common name for them. Ironically Willow and Hunter never use it themselves. They're pretty humble about what they do.)

Anyway, yes, Luz probably drops into a Force of Nature plot every once in a while and has definitely met Hunter once or twice. Definitely not to the extent that she gets to know him personally. He's still just "Willow--sorry Force's crime fighting partner."

However, once Luz shows up on the scene, she's hard to keep at arm's length. Hunter tries to remain reserved and aloof but she has no concept of personal space and she's managed to get close enough to catch a glimpse of him.

But yeah anyway from the little she interacted with him she got the impression that he was a gentle sweetheart. Tbh I think season 1 Luz would've been super into him (he's edgy but he's sweet.) if she wasn't so genre savvy and was subconsciously aware from the beginning that he was intended to be Willow's love interest.

Anyway Luz absolutely shatters Hunter's aloof persona by activating a glyph and he was immediately like "WOAH THAT WAS SO COOL HOW DID YOU DO THAT? :D"

Unfortunately she didn't get an opportunity to show him before they were forced to part ways.

Hunter, on his end, didn't originally know much about Luz. He knew her status as a human and he knew Belos was quite interested in her. It wasn't until the end of season 1 that she started making herself a nuisance that Hunter was obligated to see her as the opposing side. Even in canon, Hunter never seemed to hate Luz. He never believed she was evil. Just misguided and really annoying about it. He sees her similarly here so their early dynamic when he was still the GG remains the same.

It DOES make Hunting Palismen really interesting because YEAH. Luz doesn't find a stranger laying unconscious in the Golden Guard attire. She finds Willow's quiet and altruistic superhero partner, who is also apparently the smug and insufferable Golden Guard. So this identity reveal is absolutely bewildering.

And it already fits really well cuz Hunter already starts off so pissed off and tight lipped when Luz tries to talk to him in that episode.

So in this case she would attack him with questions over it. Willow said that the Golden Guard doesn't approve of Force of Nature at all so what's the deal?? Why does he do the vigilante stuff??? What's his name??? Does he have an ulterior motive??? He seems like a sweetie so why the heck is he stealing palismen??? Is he actually a good guy pretending to be a bad guy??? Or hmm maybe its the other way around....

Hunter refuses to answer any of it. Just gets all cagey and grunts in response to all her interrogating as they sneak around and try to figure out what to do now.

Some things do end up slipping out of Hunter as they spend more time together and he gets more attached to Luz. In addition to revealing the powerless witch thing, and deciding his own future, he accidentally vents a little frustration with the lack of actual helping the Golden Guard does. He doesn't mention that it's why he chose to become a vigilante but Luz is smart enough to put two and two together.

"Also..." He says, glaring at his tangled up fingers. "Don't you dare..." He begins aggressively before trailing away as he seemingly thinks better of it. "I mean...please don't...um..."

"Don't worry." Luz answers, saving him the breath. "I'm not gonna tell her."

Hunter's head snaps in her direction, surprised. Relief washes over his features. Then it all scrunches up in annoyance. Then he looks elsewhere. He nods, not looking at her.

"You're welcome." Luz chirps.

The rest of the episode is executed exactly as it is in canon, except now there's this extra layer of understanding. Luz comes out of this experience, knowing Hunter is a good guy. And now she's his secret holder 💕

[muthaz-rapapa]

Hirogaru Sky Impressions (1/5)

We're in for 48 episodes so I'll do these after every 10 episodes until the end.

And I'll try to keep it short since I'm sure most of the major topics have already been discussed in great length anyway so I don't want to add to the redundancy.

Simply put, this anniversary season has been a blast of heartwarming fun so far. Not to mention, quite innovative in regards to the franchise as a whole. The breaking of old trends is excitingly refreshing while the show is still keeping it very Precure in spirit.

If anything, SkyPre (HiroSky? HiroPre? which way are we calling it?) feels the most Precure to me since probably StarPre and I think that's due to how the writing is handled this year.

Story format changes

I'm very happy that they went for spreading out the introductions and pacing the debut schedules instead of bunching the first four episodes with one new transformation after another.

True, this technically started with DeliPaPre but last season was rather weak in the characterization and group chemistry departments that the effort seemed almost wasted.

Of course, I'm not saying the DeliPa girls were a poor team or anything. They were alright.

But when you watch SkyPre, the development just feels so much more satisfying, don't you think?

Starting the season off with paired Cures (as a tribute to FutariWa, kyaa! 😆) was a great idea because it gave a lot of time for Sora and Mashiro, the first members, to bond and find their groove as partners while establishing their characters through their individual personalities, goals and inner conflicts.

Then incorporating more Cures as we go along (Tsubasa/Wing and later, Ageha/Butterfly), we have something to look forward to every week instead of letting the hype die down right after everyone debuted already...until it rises up again with the reveal of the next stock footage only to go down again and repeat.

Precure's strongest trait as a magical girl series has always been its theme of friendship and teamwork. However, you can't achieve a solid execution of that theme well if you don't actually devote time and focus to the build up of genuine camaraderie.

And the basic foundations for that lies in everyone acknowledging each other's different strengths and demonstrating how vital and valuable those are to the group.

Ep 10 really reinforced those principles (even letting Sora and Mashiro dismiss the villain cuz their friendship moment with Tsubasa came FIRST 😤) which is great cuz with Ageha's debut coming up around the corner, we can rest assured that this aspect will remain steady for at least another 10 episodes.

2. Characterization

To have a good diversified team, naturally you would need distinctly carved out characters (in other words, more than just archetypes).

SkyPre does display some old patterns but that's not a bad thing since the show largely avoids over reliance on them by giving each Cure a significant amount of depth to work with and specific goal(s) to aim for.

For Sora, Tsubasa and Ageha, their personal character arcs are quite clear and they all fit into a type of hero to go along with the season's motif. Cure Sky being a traditional ally of justice, Cure Wing as the knight to Elle-chan's princess. And Ageha wishes to become a nursery teacher, which is a very admirable ambition as teachers can serve as role models to children.

That leaves Mashiro, who's been troubled on several occasions for not having a dream of her own.

But I don't believe this means an absence of a character arc for her. At the very least, there's certainly no lack of conflict since she realized the "problem" herself and has been given screentime to address it and overcome her own doubts.

Perhaps this is also indicating that "finding her dream" is her goal and learning to accept her own "light that illuminates others" is part of that discovery process.

Mashiro's personality and drive is very supportive in nature, after all. We saw that in how she was very welcoming and accommodating of Sora and Tsubasa, residents from another world. We saw that in how she was the one to comfort Ageha, who is older than her, in the past when they were both small children.

And that is a type of hero, too.

You don't have to be super confident or bold and forthright. You don't have to be a leader or force stereotypical notions of heroism onto yourself to be a hero.

You just need a good heart and to be able to act on it.

Chances are, if you were kind to someone in need or helped someone less fortunate because you knew it was the right thing to do, then you already qualify as a true hero.

I believe that is the message of Mashiro's story.

That said, we already got so much good content and we still have so much to look forward to. Yay! 😆

Ageha/Cure Butterfly joining the team foremost (sometime after ep 15 apparently since the next announced titles don't list her name yet)

More villain generals appearing soon and therefore, more insight into what they're really after (though it's probably gonna be generic evil as always but eh, whatever cuz everything else is awesome).

More on the person who saved Sora and inspired her to become a hero, Tsubasa accomplishing his dream of being able to fly w/o the assistance of magic.

Ellee-chan's mysterious powers, oooh~

First group attack, group power-up + power-up attack, ultimate power-up (??)

Midseason Cure already spoiled but we all know who it's going to be anyway and the question if her debut will fall around the early 20s or later with the shift in narrative arrangement (see above).

Hehe, yep it's gonna be great 😁

(on another note, they now have 38 more episodes to fix Prism's transformation sequence cuz god, did they do her dirty. Especially her going MIA on the "JUMP" platform did she jump so hard she went to Skyland?! and the static split screen. I can let go of everything else but PLEASE. FIX. THOSE. DAMMIT!! 🫵💢)

[noonmutter]

Breakdown

DWC August 2023 Day 1/2: Beginnings/Endings, Enchanted/Horror

"You know you'd be wonderful onstage!" "I would not." "You're doing that thing again, where you're modest for no reason." "I know fer a fact I would not, cuz ev'rytime I'm in front o' crowds, I 'ave a desp'rate need t' throw up."

---

"Just one teensy little whip routine." "Absolutely not." "I'd happily be your target so you're not alone and everything! Like the good, charitable elf I am!" "If y'wanna be whipped so bad I kin tie y' up in th' workshop in ten minutes." "Why are you so miserly with your myriad talents?" "Are we gonna actually test out some stuff t'day or not?"

---

"I heard someone humming in the shower…" "Don't." "It's almost like you do have a sense of melody in there somewhere!" "Tha' was a hallucination. You're hallucinatin'."

---

"I saw that." "Wot?" "That little flourish you just did on the backswing." "I did not flourish it--" "You do show off!"

---

"I know yer doin' it on purpose." "I'm sure I don't know what you could possibly be talking about. I'm over here doing my lashes." "Ev'ry single Tart I know 'as been tryna get me onstage at least once. Yer not special." "Well now you're just spreading falsehoods, but I'll forgive you this once."

---

"You know, I couldn't help but notice how insightful you were." "Hmn?" "In the gallery. Once you opened up, I thought it was going to be impossible to stop you speaking your mind, not that I'd ever want to!" "Well… y' did prod me. Kind of a lot." "And I'm very glad you took that prodding! It's always a treat to listen to you dive deep into that lyrical well of yours." "Um…" "Almost like you're absolutely brimful of creativity, just waiting for an excuse." "… Celedyn." "Or perhaps the right audience?" "Ohhh my godddd--"

---

"You even do it at your booth sometimes! Especially the big ones, you were doing it constantly at the Tournament of Ages!" "I am not an actor!" "Then what would you call that whole absurd persona you were putting on for your… shoe… thing?" "It was a bit!" "Leon, sweetheart, darling. Actors do bits. That's acting. You acted." "I was 'avin' fun!" "Acting can be fun." "DAGH!!"

---

"So you've gone and enriched yourself for another year or two. What's next?" "Not sure. I was thinkin' maybe it's time t' start lookin' fer a proper shop. Y'know, like a storefront?" "What, no other big events to work yourself into a stupor over? I'm shocked." "Nah. I think I wanna see wot restin' on my laurels feels like, yeah? We kin uh… kinda afford to, heh." "Marvelous! See, it just so happens that this year is a very important year for the Tarts--" "Are you kiddin' me--" "But it's our anniversary, kitten! You're a friend of the troupe, don't you think you could just--" "Y'know wot? Fine. Fine." "--one little--wait, what?" "Once, an' only once, if it'll make you stop, I will do a thin' onstage. Once." "Oh, Leon, fantastic! I've got so many--" "But." "Mmn?" "I get t' pick th' song." "Oh, well." Celedyn gave an exaggeratedly put-upon sigh, undercutting what little sincerity it had with the big shit-eating grin on his face. "I suppose I can make one little sacrifice for you, kitten." "Mm-hmm. I'll let y' know."

A week later, Celedyn received a letter with the Catty Crow seal on it. He was all smiles when he opened it, finding a few written pages and a recording crystal labelled 'play me.'

Ten minutes after that, he was leaving hysterical, shrieking messages on Leon's commstone. Leon chose not to answer, instead putting up his feet and watching the device dance across the coffee table while he drank his tea.

( @celedyn @daily-writing-challenge )

[sipsteainanxiety]

Visiting bf bkg in the hospital where he has to stay for at least a week or more for whatever reason or like u said previously coz of a broken leg n u find out he has a purple diamond sticker, but as soon as you come to his side he is totally calm.. like just a while ago he was throwing fits to the point where the docs had to sedate him n now he doesn't even need the purple sticker on anymore?? lmao the hospital staff is still in denial to how did u tame him😧?? the docs request u to stay with him till he gets discharged otherwise he'll go back to being a piece of shit lol. And then imagine taking care of him too🥺. he may grumble all he wants but will never outright deny ur care n honestly yr the only one he willingly accepts it from, probably would be touched by how genuinely you are taking care of him n tending to his wounds with so much love n affection💕 (might secretly get emotional too but would never admit it). n then after a few days u leave for a whole day coz of some work n when u come back the next day he's got the sticker back on lmao what a menace, n yr like 'wth babe?' n he's all pouty like 'I told you not to leave me'😤, he's such a big baby lol..ok I'll stop rambling now

LMFAOOOOO welcome to taming a tiger: bkg edition

HE IS SO AKHDSFNDFKGJ. little bitch boy!! the power his s/o has over him is crazy ngl. u have him wrapped around ur finger fr. the doctors and nurses r mystified every time when u walk in and he calms down LOLL they start calling u whenever he starts acting up pfft they desperate. AND ALSO TIRED AF BKG IS A WHOLE OTHER LEVEL SFJS. everyone in the hospital's like "what r they feeding those heroes goddamn" .... trauma, they have trauma. and even with a broken leg bkg can raise hell loooll

pls bkg acts like such a tough baddie all the time he secretly just wants to be coddled 🥺🥺 but his pride makes him be like no! no weakness!! it's not as bad as when he was younger but it still makes it hard for him to ask/accept help on such an intimate level with u 🥺🥺 and he gets soooo emotional every time he sees u delicately and carefully taking care of him 🥺🥺 like he's made of glass and like he's the most important thing in the world to u. and that makes him tear up bc what did he do to deserve this?!??! 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

(and katsuki can only stare, heart in his throat, as you bring his bandaged fingers up to your lips and kiss each of them, one by one. he wants to curl up. wants to retreat back and away because this is so foreign to him--the emotions he feels at the bottom of his stomach. but he doesn't. because it's you, and he loves you. so fucking much.

because this has to be what love feels like, he thinks. it has to feel like his whole self is being sucked into a void and torn apart. that the only thing keeping him up is you, gently holding him like he'd crumble into dust otherwise. that he's dying, but he's also living, at the same time. and katsuki wants to run, for the first time in his life. but he doesn't. because he loves you.

"i know you're... more than capable of handling yourself," you whisper out once you kiss the tip of his pinky and look up at him. the look on your face makes him swallow heavily. makes his throat feel parched. "but... but... please. make sure you come home in one piece. okay?"

and katsuki's falling, exposed to all that surrounds him. he feels vulnerable in a way that makes his insides twist. but still, he doesn't run.

"okay," he can only croak out, closing his eyes to stop the burning he felt behind them)

but yeah LMAOOO HES SUCH A BRAT TOO starts acting up again once u leave. cuz hes so whipped 🥺 wakes up and sees a doctor checking his vitals and hes like :moyai: where's my s/o. immediately throws off his blankets to go find u and the doc's like ffs NOT AGAIN DYNAMIGHT!!!!

[fandsart]

For your behind the scenes ask:

What is a line/scene you’re really proud of? Give us the DVD commentary for that scene.

For any of your fics.

Ask list

The thing about that is, there are over 100K words of 20 Chain Links that have been written out and haven't been posted yet. That's more than half of it. The further into the fic the more the emotional and relational build up pays off, so most of my favorite scenes are going to be down the road. Another thing about it is how much all of the scenes play off of each other. It's hard to nail a certain favorite aspect of the story into just one scene.

So, without jumping from scene to scene commentary, I'd have to pick this one in chapter 6: it's the last scene with Billy. Or the last interaction scene anyway; obviously he dies after that, but this story being from Steve's perspective, he sees it from a distance and he's heavily concussed at the time.

I'll continue talking about it under the cut for length and spoiler reasons

The thing I like about this is how it jump starts Steve and Robin's relationship. They'd only been working together for a week, but they're working a very monotonous job with only preconceived notions of who Steve is, she would have continued to be nothing but condescending and mock him. His perception of her would stay negative and she would view this as confirmation of what she believed about his character.

Having this here gives her something to change the way she views him as a person, and loosens some tension between them. She knows that Steve tried to stop Billy from getting to her, because she hears a kick after she uses the broadcasting announcement system to call for security. She knew Billy would head toward the door, and was willing to take the risk that security would get to him before any (at least serious) harm was done to her. But she knows Steve held him up.

Then she goes on to see how unconcerned he seems to be with himself following the interaction. He says 'Don't worry about me; I'll get concealer for the bruises.'

She's more agreeable after that, opening the door for a fuller understanding later when she really lets herself get to know him as more than his reputation

So that's the answer to the question, but I'm going to take the opportunity to talk about this other scene in chapter 4 just because it's kind of something that really needs to be read into. I will be scene hopping just a little bit when talking about this

There's the scene where Hopper belittles Steve's intelligence. It's one of the few Hopper-Steve interactions in the fic (which is why this needs to be read into to grasp the background stuff I'm doing)

Someone left this lovely comment dissecting this scene

[“God, people aren’t kidding when they say you’re slow. Let me tell you the difference. You were a teenage boy. El’s a young girl. She doesn’t know what she’s doing or getting herself into.”

This was honestly deeply shocking to me. I dont know why, it was just shocking and upsetting. I wouldn't put it out of character for Hopper, I think that's the worst part for me cuz quite frankly he can be an ass, he has those moments, forget just being grumpy and abrasive. I re-watched season two recently and a lot of things stuck out to me and made me feel iffy. I'm glad however that he chose to reach out again to another adult and hope he takes their advice this time. He's a grown ass man, I need him to act like it especially in regards with the way he talks to kids sometimes. But bloody hell you don't say that, that's so mean, it's devastating. He essentially has no adult support system and one of the like three adults in the know treats him like that. Sucks

And the misogyny oof. Also the way he seems to gloss over Steve sentence, the kids are want 13/14 in season 3, and I'm guessing I'll put Steve at 11/12 when he started kissing. That's not great, it's also weird because we have society telling us boys mature slower than girls, so boys will be boys, why then are they mature enough for relationship things?. And the way Hopper gets immediately defensive and so aggressive about assigning blame. I find that conversation fascinating. Along with the conversation Bob had with Mike those two stuck at the most to me.]

And I responded:

[I really hated Hopper in season 3, so this is setting up where the decent would be there, but he's getting a sort of background arc in this version so he doesn't get that shitty. That arc involves Bob being such an open person that he's able to reason with Hopper. Here he just steps in though since Hop isn't at a place where he's able to express himself a lot. And we do see in season 3 how affected by toxic masculinity Hopper is. I wanted to keep some level of consistency with the characters even when I hated how some of the characters behaved at certain points. Like the first scene I changed in season 2 where Steve told Nancy they should take a break, because I have a hard time believing they'd be on such good terms later on after she cheated on him pretty blatantly. Also, I feel like it works better that way for how on good terms they are by season 4

I really wanted to address how bitter Hopper is in season three and also kind of divert that path a bit]

Bob is such a chill guy and he's very emotionally open, which is specifically something that Hopper struggles with. I think just existing around Bob would be good for him and since they're both close with Joyce I think they would get close through her. I'm picturing them going through a whole developing story on their own in the background to Steve's story where they figure their way into being polyamorous, but it's outside of Steve's periphery. Sometimes people are just going through their own stories just outside of the perception of your own

[theducks-111]

Recovery for me isn't pushing through to find the light at the end of the tunnel.

It is about rage.

Spite is all that pushes me through these days but I'll take it. Spite towards my family members who dared die young. Spite towards my classmates who took all I had to give and incinerated it. Spite towards my mother who didn't admit me to a hospital soon enough. Spite towards my mind that made me fall down this rabbit hole.

There is hatred in there too.

Hatred towards my body for needing to eat. Hatred towards my therapist when she lost her temper and thought I was a lost cause. Hatred towards all the time it took for me to even brush my teeth 5 times a week let alone twice a day. Hatred towards the pencils and knives I kept in the drawer of my bedside table. Hatred towards school councilors who couldn't give less of a shit about me. Hatred towards all the times I reached out and fell flat on my face.

But this shows my resilience. It is what my last name means after all.

Resilience to get back up after and wash the blood off my face and reach out again. You are always told "you will be found" "there's always someone to help" and such and such. But you are never told that they won't be there the first time you call. You have to keep reaching and reaching until someone finally notices and grabs your hand.

They sit with you after room time and play their ukulele. They give you hugs when no one is looking. They walk over when you're crying in the hallway and feel completely abandoned because "that's what staff are instructed to do". They nearly smash your browney because a hornet landed on it. They teach you to crochet and water colour and play guitar and piano. They give you their email so you can send weekly check-ins. They let you borrow their pants cuz the washer is broken. They wake up early to sit with you in the common area because you can never sleep past 5.

In my case, these are from multiple different people. Different people that I needed at different times that did their part to get me where I am.

For me, recovery is rage and hatred and spite. But most importantly it's what I owe to the people who got me here.

The teacher that let me sit in their room during lunch. The friend that makes sure I eat something everyday. The people who make you stuffed animals when you're feeling down. The people who made the hard decisions for you so you didn't have to.

The late night calls and the memes in the Google doc cuz we have always failed to have a proper group chat so that's our alternative. The read aloud's and the open ears. The song recommendations and the laying in silence for hours. The cuddles and well... The more cuddles.

I, most of all, owe it to them to at least try. To not make their work all in vain. Anger is what fuels me but as long as I keep chugging along, it doesn't matter what the motivator is. Because then their work will not be fruitless.

[recklessmark]

Hi it's meeee I was telling you I had a similar experience with a guy 💀 can I be 🐽 anon? I'm not sure how active I'll be but ik I'll be here often hehehe

So in my case it was a childhood friend I lost contact with, we started talking A LOT after we met again. Ofc I caught feelings bcuz that's what I do😀 well it was more cuz he was flirting with me (but said he wasn't?) and being overly nice etc so I told him I liked him right then he says oh i only like you as a friend let's see what happens 🤡🤡🤡🤡atp I should've cut him off but noooo

We keep talking as friends and then suddenly he disappears for a week and a half, I see his ig story and he's sharing reels about Pokémon???? BUT DOESN'T HAVE THE TIME TO TELL ME HE'S BUSY????????? like my mom texts me when she can't take my calls and she's at least 150% busier than him 🙄🙄🙄 SO I give him one chance to explain (which ofc he didn't) so I sent him a really nice message hurting his ego and cutting him off, saying he's just like every guy 🥰and that I'll definitely find someone better🥰🥰 (those are things he said before btw)

He comes back but instead of apologising he gaslights me????? Should have cut him off here at least but I got power high after he said we'll do whatever I want (instead of realizing he has no interest in keeping this going) so we spoke for a while more

Then luckily my friends lectured me and I told him I'll be busy and I'll come back (but I didn't for like three weeks) and then I cut him off. But the thing that hurt most is that he literally said OK come back whenever you want to talk to me and just didn't even ask me to stay, like he didn't care ever at all 💀 but now I'm fine he's blocked

In other news I just read your new smut (whose name I cannot remember for the life of me) twice AND GIRLLLLLL IT'S INSANE THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE OMG SKXJXISNZONZOX 🤩🤩🤩✨✨✨✨✨ literally came both times I read it ♥️

ALSO GOOD THAT YOU'RE OVER HIM I'M SO GLAD 🫂🫂we shall find better people if needed 🥲 stay healthy and rest well! - 🐽

I’M SO SORRY I MISSED YOUR INBOX OMG

Men are literally shit. We’re just emotional creatures that can never leave them for good. My friends had told me to be rational several times but I thought he cared. They never care. I’m glad you’ve blocked that mf, it actually sounds horrible bestie you must’ve been suffering.

Anw I’m delighted that you love my work hehe