#at a wedding rn… wishing i was drawing

[neonvioletlight]

violet is violeting

[vivisviolets]

Okkk, let’s spy on your ex (& where you are now) 👁‍🗨💭‼️ (*PAC+ 18+ Extended)

wow,, I mean ok then😭😭 I don’t support it…. But I got to give out the dirt I’ve received 👀… lol ⦿ ✧・*close your eyes love, breatheee, ease them shoulders,- and focus on which image draws your eye for whatever reason- trust and stay open to the magic of it all!! don't rush it!! and don't force it either if none catch your eye! make a request to Spirit/the Universe/God to guide you to whatever messages you need to hear rn~*

. . . Pile 1

⦿ Virgo/earth placements, Virgo season, Moon dominant, Cancer placements/degrees (Moon, 4th house, rising, Venus), Aries degrees, September, summer dusk, 8-9pm, hoodies, scent, connection to pile 3(?), numbers 111, 9999, 911(omg), channeled songs- Don’t Forget Me - Maggie Rogers, Wedding List - Kate Bush ⦿ The first thing I heard was they love you- they loooove you- like exaggerated text and all pile 1s… Oh goodness, I can feel some of you squirming uncomfortably like “Ohh boy…” at hearing that, for some of you it’s because this feeling is unrequited in some way (you did feel love for them but you either distanced yourself, or you fell out of love w/ them- or both), and you really just wish to move on and forget about this (I distinctly got a very clear vision of a summer night, with the first few chords of the song Don’t Forget Me by Maggie Rogers playing- it’s a very vague, wishy-washy memory that I know for my moving-on group still makes you feel things,,)- and for a few of you here,, you do still love this person,- or more so right underneath the surface, you are still “in love” with them… OK I’ll just say, I’m going to do my very best to be sensitive to both groups that resonate with this pile, because there is a lot of raw emotion coming from the two groups- one is freshly moved on, either only just recently in the past few months you’ve split from this person- and or it been 1 year+ and you may have had a “relapse” in grief/introspection over this- and the other group of this collective is still “in love”. I’m hearing the phrase “love-baggage”, so some of you I’m seeing were/are living with this person, and lots of their things are still in your space- and you keep almost unconsciously thinking they're going to come back… for others, you had a lot of plans with this person, a lot of desires/wishes, and or both of those things and you had a lot of expectations and dreams of what could be built in this relationship- and now that it’s ended it's like a Christmas display after the holiday is over, there’s a big empty feeling of “…so- was that it?” I’m so sorry sugar!! (to both groups here 💔) this sounds and feels to me like this connection was a real tisy to you. you didn’t deserve that,- but I can tell from your energy that what happened has really made you grow in a very big and important way, even if it feels like some days it changed you for the worse (I can feel those in the group that struggle with a lot of depression/anxiety stemming from this❤️ I see you, you are heard, and you have my heart to rest in for this reading 🌙)- that won’t be the case forever, please trust me on this that this experience has changed you and your path for the better- for your highest good and joy.- ok final things for the energy check before I move forward- scent was really important to this connection, it either was what your ex found to be really alluring about you/the relationship they had with you, or this is how you felt about them (and or this was a shared attraction!), something about clothing being shared and either you or them being very turned on by that activity (could be s*xual but I more feel a possessive energy), I’m also seeing this person really got off (again😭 *not* meant to be s*xual but omg why are these phrases coming to mind ummm-) on hugging you/holding you close, like having their face carved into the right side of your neck (now I’m hearing that Faye Webster song, Right Side of My Neck- again this whole reading could be either more adult or wholesome you be the judge I wasn’t there 👁-) and just resting in the scent of your warmth. I’m seeing someone who looks very tired and saw this relationship with you as a *relief*- There’s a masc figure (not gendered just energy) who may have worked long hours/nights, or they pilled work onto themselves because they felt they had too,, something about them wanting to be a provider for you but they went about it in a way that they suffered/thus the relationship suffered…

I don’t see you guys as being the type to need/want that, but more the type to want equality in the relationship regarding that, and rely more on having a developed emotional bond- and this ex may have had a hard time trying to know how to “provide” you with that and so out of fear they tried to focus on some other way to give to you (I’m hearing it may have been out of ego) and thus they became destructive out of not addressing this fear they had- I kinda went off!! omg, I’ll shut up and actually get to the part where I tune into where they are and how they are I guess… I keep seeing a figure walking forward, in this gray plane of existence, occasionally sitting in a coffee shop, a place of work, talking to some people for a moment before things fade again and they’re back to trekking forward…

they don’t look unhappy, but they don’t seem peaceful either. and this is how they feel currently not having you in their life, not having this relationship as a structure in their life, appearing ok and productive on the outside, while on the inside… all they can do is keep walking into the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that, posting on instagram and then continuing to walk- and I’m hearing maybe the piece of them still connected to you is saying that “you feel the same way”… goddamn it pile 1 I am completely on your side, no buts about it, and all I will say to that message coming through is you need to look into a possible cord-cut ritual. find one that feels intuitively correct to your situation (no murder), and definitely meditate if this person/ex-relationship has been on your mind because it is crucial for you to move on, move out, and move forward from this relationship. for you, AND for this ex. please, please, please, work towards detachment and neutrality. obviously, feel your emotions and address them, but afterward do the final closure by saying- “that was hurtful, that makes me feel hurt, but it happened.”- I know it’s “fun” to pick apart text messages and realize all the times you two weren’t right for each other, and it's easy to live in the past then continue into the unknown (so many songs coming through omg you guys experienced a lot of memories together)- but you have got to start. just a little bit forward every day, please work on your fear of moving forward, because there is nothing to fear- your future self is already at peace, and that future self is you already! you have all the tools to get to them- all it needs is a couple steps forward a day, do it sick, do it crying, do it scared, do it hopeless. just. start. moving. (and do not feel “guilty”, this person will be ok. just like how you will be ok. and that is something to be hopeful about!!) I keep hearing “not at this time”, which is what your ex may possibly be thinking in the back of their mind,- I really hate posting PACs with borderline breadcrumbing but I do see a possible rekindling/reunion between you two, but not for a long time, much longer then either of you expect and it will truly be when you two are incredibly removed from what happened and basically completely different people- and life/the universe will be like “haha ok RENUION EPISODE TIME!!!! nostalgia bait!!!!~” it will be kinda silly, not even in a sardonic way but it will weirdly be very light-hearted, like both of you will be in on some inside joke no one else quite gets. I don’t even see this being romantic in the slightest between you, it's more a shared time of “partnership” and nothing will even get discussed because- both of you will be moved on and settled. in other words, no bad blood housed in the future, thanks to letting it all heal in the present time ⭐️.

sooo pile 1s that's what I got for you, hope you enjoyed haha and that you feel really more chilled out~ and that you continue that feeling into your day/afternoon/evening. One last word of advice, I know things can feel really lonely at times, but truly- your own company is the best company, and it is what you need at this time. and that’s beautiful- so make it beautiful for yourself ❤️!!!!!! ok, I love you so so much~.

*totes random but someone here needs to play around on character ai 💀um-)

🎆THIS READING HAS AN EXTENDED READING OVER ON MY PATREON~♡🎆 “Okkk let’s spy on your ex 👁‍🗨💭‼️ (EXTENDED their 18+ thoughts/where their mind wonders 👀) ***MDI

. . . Pile 2

⦿ The Devil, Five of Wands (reversed), Nine of cups, The Sun (reversed), Knight of Cups (reversed), Three of Wands (reversed) (bottom of deck) ⦿ TW/CW (sh mention/slight 18+ mention), Cancer/Pisces/Scorpio placements, Aquarius placements/degrees (Venus, 11th house, Jupitar, 3rd house), blue, panic/anxiety attacks, dissociation, numbers 11, 10, 1111, 1010, channeled songs- Shades of Cool - Lana Del Rey, Lilies - Ethel Cain ⦿ Hi pile 2s. you’re really going through it aren’t you?.. very strange energy going on- “a different realm” I’m hearing is the phase of life you feel you are in ❤️. I actually began channeling bits and pieces of your pile during pile 1, I do not know why there seems to be a weird connection/relation to pile 1 because I already know this pile is going to be quite a bit different (its like all the piles “know each other” its so weird-) but anyways. let me warm up to your chilly energy pile 2s, because I mean seriously, you guys are really going through it- not to be dark but if you’re into Ethel Cain this is like when she dies and gets put in an icebox- LIKE THATS WHERE YOU GUYS FEEL YOU ARE RN 💀… babe you don’t need anymore sympathy, or pity, I’m just going to be straight up with you- what you need is some love. and you need to accept that love- EVEN if that love, is just from yourself. yes, yourself. In fact, that’s where you really need to start because once you open your own heart back up, that’ll be when the sun shines through again… that message aside, this relationship ending really left you in the cold, it may have happened so suddenly that you feel in shock- in fact, for some of you this shocked-grief may have come to you later on- and its effecting you mentally, emotionally, spiritually, maybe even physically, I was perfectly ok channeling/writting the other piles but being here my hands are shaky, I keep making typos on every other word + double typing letters, the food I just ate doesnt feel like its digesting (+anxiety is just ramping up in me for no reason- partly effected by the sun setting- the weather/seasonal changes may be effecting you)… you’re sick over this pile 2 ❤️… and I really do not want to be triggering and if this does NOT feel like the energy you are currently in I urge you to pick another pile/pick another pac all together. wow ok, my chest is so heavy, and I need to step away to close my eyes in a comforting place (my bathroom lol) and I encourage you to do the same- see you in 15.. 13.. 11.. 9.. 7.. 5.. 3.. 1..- ok! I’m back in comfier clothes, this pile will definitely be more focused on you, tbh I do not even want nor have the desire to focus on your ex so I apologize but we’ll see- you may be having some sensory issues at this time because I was very anxious trying to find the “right” type of hair tie, I didn’t want a plastic one nor a heavy scrunchie.. but even in this space I took from your pile I was still channeling the whole time so BIG TW‼️ for these next energy check-in messages, some of you may be SH-ing at this time, I do not want to give some of you ideas,- but this could be physical self-harm (not just destructive emotion habits i mean), -even if you’re in a state of frozen apathy right now, you are still semi-consciously trying to find ways to address/expel this pain. This whole situation is giving fallen-angel vibes, you feel you have fallen into a very broken world filled with nothing but hopelessness on the horizon… I do not know what else to say other than express disappointment for you pile 2... you're in a rough place.

-one of the final big things regarding this energy, is that there was some kind of “savior complex” in this ex-relationship- and so I’m finally beginning to tap into the energy within the relationship itself… this savior complex may have been mutual, or one-sided- I cannot quite tell, there is an energy that is clearly more docile but emotionally rather volatile (?), and an energy that is distant yet very hot-headed/vicious,, good grief 🤪- also there is a more feminine energy, and a more masculine energy in this pile- I’m trying to be vague as people can play multiple roles/parts at different times- but there were some clear distinctions between the two of you in this relationship (could even be a submissive/dominant dynamic), and within that came co-dependency and this “savior complex” (which weirdly enough- was a slight theme in pile 1 but idk if I mentioned that or not)… you could have been the more “fem/sub/docile” one and was being viewed as requiring “saving” by this “masc/dom/vicious” person, manipulating you financially, physically, etc- or it could very well be the other way around where the more “fem” person felt they were emotionally “saving” you by manipulating you emotionally, mentally, etc… again change/rearrange for your situation and again this could have been a mutual “wanting to save/gain control” of the other person… its all very complicated. -baby, all I can say is that it is good that you are out of it, and if any part of you is still in it I urge you HEAVILY to get the fuck out of it and seek help. I know it is said often but no one can “save” anyone, and that is very true pile 2.- people, friendships, and relationships, are made truly beautiful by helping each other through hard times, unconditionally 💗. and it can be very true and real that other people can help us to reach where we want to be/can help us get out of certain situations, but my darling- this relationship has ended for a reason, the universe did not want this- not because you are not allowed to have what you desire, but because you cannot gain it through this relationship, through this person- I’m sorry. I ask you to begin to change your perspective to something more faithful- faithful to the perspective that what ended was somehow aimed at you gaining what you truly desire, and as divine protection. I know that some of what I have been saying is rather frequently brought up and certain “self-care” advice can begin to sound like monkey chatter yapping- but I do hope that something has gotten to you and made you feel heard in this reading pile 2💗 get out of the icebox and begin to experience life fully through your own lens, instead of through the lens of someone else loving you- you are deserving of a love that wraps you up at the end of your day and nourishes you, but you have to first learn to make a home within yourself ♡. I love you pile 2!! take a shower, clean a small corner of your living space, put on some clean clothes, and watch some anime. just take every moment as it comes for yourself. neutralize the overwhelm ♡. *one last thing- I can't recommend my own extended that I wrote out for you- if you are feeling sensitive, raw, or still relapsing into dwelling over this relationship- please, do not read it. please take care of yourself- you know what would make you feel ok best. I say this as a warning, do what you like- if you want more info, go head and check out what I wrote out ♡. proceed with caution and all that.* 🎆THIS READING HAS AN EXTENDED READING OVER ON MY PATREON~♡🎆 “Okkk let’s spy on your ex 👁‍🗨💭‼️ (EXTENDED their 18+ thoughts/where their mind wonders 👀) ***MDI

. . . Pile 3

⦿ The Star (reversed), Queen of Cups, Five of Wands, Seven of Swords (reversed), Eight of Pentacles (reverse), The Emperor (reversed), ⦿ Aries/Leo/Sagittarius placements, fire dominant, Mercury dominant, Virgo placements/degrees (6th house, 1st house, Saturn *6h/virgo degree), comfort food, sunshine, numbers 444, 888, 222, 111, channeled songs- Vogue mix - bookstore radio(yt) + Dark Red - Steve Lacy, Wild Side - Suki Waterhouse ⦿ UGH PILE 3s- you won’t BELIEVE the day I’ve had- no seriously as soon as I stepped in your energy I breathed a sigh of relief- because OH MY GOD, you are doing so well. and I know as soon as I said that you either felt 1. bashful confidence like “ughhh stawpp but also keep going~”, or 2. immediate crippling anxiety and self-doubt. well don’t crumble on me yet!! and stay with me now, whatever the hell you are doing, I’m here to tell you- you are doing the right thing and you are on the right path. and it is going to become ever more obvious that you’re doing the right thing by you making a little bit of headway every day- even if you just started feeling better TODAY- I’m here to tell you that you are doing well (even if the rest of your week has been shit lol). goodness pile 3, I write my PACs over a couple days because life has me chasing butterflies sometimes- but anyways, I’ve been thinking of your energy since 2 days ago,- I just keep getting the most peaceful and wholesome images in my head of where you are currently pile 3s, I’m seeing you looking so freaking cute, I’m seeing neck scarfs, you doing your hair in cute up-dos, you walking around your apartment/place of living looking like your ready to hit the town/turn some errands into a self-care date- you’re smelling really nice too- like you’ve really gained control over your time/energy and so you can now dedicate some intentional time into physically feeling good!! I’m hearing that Emma Thomson quote “This is your body- this is your home, it’s where you live”. and truly pile 3, you really are living solo right now, you've turned the energy spent on your bestie, your lover, your roommate, your sibling, towards yourself. you are spending some beautiful quality time with yourself. your intention setting has grown so strong and you really are now investing most of your time/energy into you/your life. which is allowing you to be so in the moment- your moment, your world- goodness jesus pile 3! I’m struggling to not ramble on about you, I can view you and feel your current state SO clearly I can almost taste it- but the thing is, I’m actually rather unable to fully “embody” your energy, because you’ve become that protected and within your own space, so I’m honestly just admiring you outside looking in lol. moving forward in painting the picture I can see of your life, going back to how I could almost “taste” your lifestyle rn- I’m also seeing you’re eating really good right now, you being so connected to yourself is making any food you intake taste sooo good and its nourishing your body so well- I’m seeing a lot of fresh fruit like pears, apples, oranges, tangerines, also seeing you eating out at really delicious places and the food is so good- you’re also beginning to make your own meals as well which I’m here to tell you is increasing your amazingly good energy- keep making dinner for yourself it’s so cute and beautiful~ you’ve turned so many aspects of your day-to-day mundane life into “self-dates”, and now that you’ve charged up with consistently giving to yourself, I see you balancing your time with going out and making plans with specific friends- you’re not interested or have the urge to socialize with a friends-of-friends group of people, and definitely there is no pull towards meeting someone new- because this is still a delicate time for you, you’ve built up so much valuable inner peace.

So I’m seeing a lot of very mutually giving one-on-one time with some of your closest friends, you’re giving such quality energy to them right now and them to you as well- I’m seeing there are 2 people who you’re focusing on the most/they’re the most in your life at this time, I'm hearing specifics but I’ll leave that out for the collective, but the strongest images coming through is female/fem friendships, “sisterhood” (this could even be your sister/sibling, otherwise you just feel very connected/have a history with these friends), and you’re walking together down-town doing some shopping but also deep in conversation, going to comforting restaurants dressed to the nines- all 3 of you (you + these 2 closest friends) could also be all going out together- good God is your life-giving main-character in a chick flick right now my pile 3s- specific soundtrack and all AHAHA. *btw to those here who feel like their life is not living up to what I just described, again take what resonates and change it to fit your situation, but these things if they are not happening currently in your life, it will happen. I can absolutely feel it, it feels so right, and I encourage you to take what I just wrote out as visualization inspo~ Oh yea your ex— this always happens where I come up with the title and theme of a pac- and then I don’t get to it until a paragraph later (tho some of you like that so lmk), anyway. they’re out,- I’m honestly struggling to even pick up on them because the situation is that moved on from and spirit agrees, like spirit divinely moved this situation on, I can only pick up a whiff of what’s up. It’s giving like, a crush or friendship you made in kindergarten, like it happened, and it’s a part of your past, and your past is you, but it’s in the past- like it happened so long ago. you know? like why talk about it… that’s how I’m feeling about the teensiest bit of what I’ve sniffed out- but,, I do have an extended to write out later soooo- I’m actually sorry pile 3 I’m going to keep digging. I think it’s funny that I keep using scent as a metaphor for trying to pick up on this ex-person, it makes me think that the only vague thing that you can still recall is their scent. despite how vague and blurry everything else has become, the memory of their scent is still incredibly vivid,, and truly it only takes that memory recall to then paint the rest of the picture of who this person is and who they were to you, and the unit you were with them- good God, again something connected to how they smelled- it’s deep, aromantic, sensual, sweet, like drifting off into honey- I’ve been hearing songs through your whole reading by the way as though I’m playing one of my playlists while writing this (I’m not), that's why I said your life is like a chick flick- soundtrack and all- anyways, the song coming to mind as I dip myself into this memory of this person is Slow Like Honey by Fiona Apple. so, if I described this person’s energy so far then there you go- I keep wanting to say “your person”, but like, this situation is done.

the only “but” or “what if(s)” is derived from you and them sharing a point in time with each other, and you know- your past is still a part of you, and it’s past for a reason, and since it’s in the past, then really it’s already closed.- obviously, it's completely valid for you to remember this and still grieve by the way, because our emotional beings can’t really tell the difference between memory and current reality, but at the same time our logic does know the difference- it's a mind vs. heart thing, the past is closure by default, even if that does not fit with the puzzle that is our emotions. and I’m here to let you know it is ok no matter where you are to still feel at times that they were a part of you, because they were a part of your past, and your past is a part of you. -just to wrap up, I’m not seeing anything about them other than that they are their own person, just like you, with their own life, just like yours, -in essence, I don’t see any specifics at all-, and just like you this shared past is also a part of them. both of you are separate people, who share a link with each other that is now in a state of closure (which you both revisit and walk through), and that’s for the absolute best, for both of you.

*-now, can I dig up what the situation was when it was messier and get freaky with it- yes I can, it’ll be funny lol-* 🎆THIS READING HAS AN EXTENDED READING OVER ON MY PATREON~♡🎆 “Okkk let’s spy on your ex 👁‍🗨💭‼️ (EXTENDED their 18+ thoughts/where their mind wonders 👀) ***MDI

. . . i just wrote for so long I'm shaking i need tea (the drink kind☕️ cus i spilled enough of the other type of tea lmao) love, vi~♡

[can-of-w0rmz]

Volume III Chapter IV/V of the original 1818 text of Frankenstein lives in my brain rent free. I need to rant about Clerval’s death or I’ll loose it. (It’s late and I’m exhausted rn so my ass is NOT as coherent and structured as it could be but fuck it we ball)

“He appeared to be a handsome young man, about five and twenty years of age.” MY PRECIOUS BOY

“(…) having brought the body into her house; it was not cold. They put it into a bed, and rubbed it; and Daniel went to the town for an apothecary, but life was quite gone.” HE MIGHTN’T HAVE BEEN DEAD WHEN THEY FOUND HIM BUT IT WAS TOO LATE

“I saw the lifeless form of Henry Clerval stretched before me. I gasped for breath; and, throwing myself on the body, I exclaimed, “Have my murderous machinations deprived you also, my dearest Henry, of life? Two I have already destroyed; other victims await their destiny: but you, Clerval, my friend, my benefactor”——

The human frame could no longer support the agonizing suffering that I endured, and I was carried out of the room in strong convulsions.

A fever succeeded to this. I lay for two months on the point of death (…)” THE WAY VICTOR REACTS TO AND SPIRALS FROM CLERVAL’S DEATH IS SO MUCH MORE SEVERE THAN ANYTHING ELSE THAT HAPPENS TO HIM and it’s also an extremely interesting character study to see what happens when the only person he ever really seemed to have a mutual loving and healthy relationship with gets cut out of the picture – Victor’s had his fevers, he’s wallowed, but he always had Clerval to draw him from his wallowing and to nurse him back to health. So what happens when Clerval’s death is the cause of that anguish? THE DRAMA THE ANGST I love these silly little gothic losers to death but watching Frankenstein grieve over the passing of who was pretty much essentially his lover is fascinating to me and it SHOWS how much Frankenstein adores Clerval through the latter’s death. THE MAGNITUDE OF HIS GRIEF IS A TESTAMENT TO THEIR LOVE oml i can’t rn frfr THEYRE SO GAY AND SO GOTHIC I CAN NOT

“Why did I not die? More miserable than man ever was before, why did I not sink into forgetfulness and rest?” “I thank you; but all that you mention is nothing to me: on the whole earth there is no comfort which I am capable of receiving.” “(…)surely I should have died on the coffin of Henry.” AGAIN Victor’s absolute grief tearing himself up over it

“As my sickness quitted me, I was absorbed by a gloomy and black melancholy, that nothing could dissipate. The image of Clerval was for ever before me, ghastly and murdered.” “Sometimes they were the expressive eyes of Henry, languishing in death, the dark orbs nearly covered by the lids, and the long black lashes that fringed them.” Again what I said about his grief being a testament to their love bro, REMINISCING ABOUT HIS DEAD LOVER AND HIS BEAUTY EVEN IN DEATH WHILE GRIEVING HIM I CANT BRO

“Ah! my father, do not remain in this wretched country; take me where I may forget myself, my existence, and all the world.” HERE’S THE START OF HIM PUSHING AWAY THE MEMORY AND TRYING TO SUPPRESS IT BECAUSE THE GRIEF IS TOO SEVERE and that is SO interesting for how he shifts his tone with Elizabeth and puts up that fake demeanour of wanting to marry her because he thinks it’ll make HER happy even though both of them describe dreading the wedding, also possibly another argument for the legitimacy of reading Clerval and Frankenstein’s relationship as romantic – in order to forget him, he assigns himself to the role given to him as a child by marrying Elizabeth and gives up whatever he hope he had (possibly discouraged from Clerval being murdered as a response to Victor refusing to finish the Bride and subject her to the same fate as him and Elizabeth to the Creature, a pact made without her knowledge or consent, an arranged marriage. Where has spiting that tradition led him? Where has him standing up to the shroud of his mother’s dying wishes, hanging over him the entire novel thus far, led him, by refusing to force the Bride into an arranged marriage with the Creature, as he was with Elizabeth? To the death of the one man he truly loved. So fuck it, right? He can at least “make his dear cousin happy” and not die spiting the one thing he was meant to do – make his mother proud from beyond the grave by marrying Elizabeth.)

“the wind that blew me from the detested shore of Ireland(…)” sorry my country traumatised you bro (I mentioned to one of my teachers while explaining the plot of Frankenstein to them, as you do, that this chapter takes place in Ireland and the “god damn ok” face was priceless)

“I was deceived by no vision, and that Clerval, my friend and dearest companion, had fallen a victim to me and the monster of my creation. I repassed, in my memory, my whole life; my quiet happiness while residing with my family in Geneva, the death of my mother, and my departure for Ingolstadt. I remembered shuddering at the mad enthusiasm that hurried me on to the creation of my hideous enemy, and I called to mind the night during which he first lived. I was unable to pursue the train of thought; a thousand feelings pressed upon me, and I wept bitterly.” HE’S TRYING SO DESPERATELY TO LEAVE IT BEHIND AND TO REPRESS IT but now he’s left Ireland and he’s no longer feverish, the clarity washes over him and he can’t do anything except just lie there and cry over everything that’s happened AND MY POOR LAD HE CANT EVEN CONTINUE BEYOND THE POINT OF THE CREATURES REANIMATION BECAUSE THOSE FEELINGS PRESS DOWN ON HIM AND CROWD HIM AND OVERWHELM HIM AND HE JUST BREAKS INTO SOBS

And what happens after “the night during which he first lived”?

He’s saved from his own downward spiral by Clerval.

What’s he doing now?

Going on a downward spiral.

Where’s Clerval?

Dead.

“Ever since my recovery from the fever I had been in the custom of taking every night a small quantity of laudanum; for it was by means of this drug only that I was enabled to gain the rest necessary for the preservation of life. Oppressed by the recollection of my various misfortunes, I now took a double dose, and soon slept profoundly. But sleep did not afford me respite from thought and misery; my dreams presented a thousand objects that scared me.” And Christ above THIS LINE, not only can he now physically not sleep at night after what happened, but he’s gotten into the habit of drug use over it – which wouldn’t have been too bizarre by Victorian standards, but in the 18th century, laudanum wasn’t administered nearly as liberally and was mostly used for surgery, from what I can find, anyway. Not to mention that fact that he starts double dosing on it as the memories come back to him – his grief starts getting to the point where he’s using drug use in order to cope, but it hardly matters as his torment follows him to sleep.

“We had resolved not to go to London, but to cross the country to Portsmouth, and thence to embark for Havre. I preferred this plan principally because I dreaded to see again those places in which I had enjoyed a few moments of tranquillity with my beloved Clerval. I thought with horror of seeing again those persons whom we had been accustomed to visit together, and who might make inquiries concerning an event, the very remembrance of which made me again feel the pang I endured when I gazed on his lifeless form in the inn at ——.” THIS LINE LIVES IN MY BRAIN. RENT FREE. HOW COULD SHELLEY HAVE CUT THIS OUT OF THE 1831 PUBLICATION THIS IS SO GOLDEN DEAR LORD I ADORE THEM.

“MY BELOVED CLERVAL”

BUT ALSO AGAIN we’ve got Frankenstein trying SO desperately to forget everything, and he knows that he can’t face the people who knew Clerval or he’d break down. And I love the way this version continues on his grief to the next chapter – it’s not done and dropped, its ongoing and it plagues him, and it will plague him as long as he lives. I wonder what would happen if he did go through London, if he did meet those people again. Would things have turned out differently? Would he finally have been given a sense of comfort and clarity through mutual grief, as nobody so far since Henry’s death and for the rest of the book, except the creature, ironically, has grieved for Clerval except for Frankenstein. If he met people who took as fondly to Clerval as he did, at least on meeting him briefly, who would have sympathy towards Victor – would he finally have that space to grieve for him in a healthy way, to be comforted by people who at least vaguely understand a fraction of his anguish?

The way Victor Frankenstein BREAKS after the death of Henry Clerval is one of the most fascinating and endearing parts of the novel that completely lives in my head rent free. He spirals, he becomes ill, he becomes deeply suicidal and depressed, he begins drug misuse – and adaptations have the sheer balls to cut Clerval out of the story altogether.

…..”My beloved Clerval” HELP ME HE ACTUALLY SAID IT I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

[taegularities]

RIDDD 🎀🖇🩵

are you truly feeling better? ;-; a migraine is the last thing i'd wish upon anyone among list of terrible headaches, bcs i used to have cluster headaches— so i can only guess what's a whole migraine must be like ; please take care of yourself, and rest well :(

i don't know if it would be insensitive to drop the following long message here rn, but you obv have the liberty to ignore it till you feel better or as you wish. this is your domain, after all. love you.

"RUINED" : RAMBLE.

i had to drop the headcanons that's been eating up my mind bc the other day while i was taking my mock tests, my mind kept drifting off to the couple. lol. so here's a list of headcanons i had as a reader, from all the different bits of the story and the things you told us. hehe. these are mostly 'soft moments' as asked by you in that ask ( i wish i could drop the reference links, but i'm on my phone so it's hard to operate dually. however, i shall say which parts inspired what brainrot : they're from your works )

RUINED : BRAINROTS.

inspo : a!oc is the type of person who knows what she wants, her saying : two years of marriage and i still put up with the way you put the toilet paper the wrong way around. lol. her being very organized too bc she doesn't want work to pile up and focuses on her tasks in office. both of thm loving to sing

if she loves her things organized, i can see— during the beginning of their dating life, tae'd come over on a random weekend, only to find a!oc cleaning up, in her most natural state, and the mundane aspect of it would melt him. why? bcos he's the been there, done that sort of person, but not when it comes to these things. the domesticity, i mean. hehe.

also, the fact that she trusted him enough to show that side of her? :') the only reason she wouldn't stress about her look is bc she's adorably engrossed in her work and NEEDS IT DONE AND HE SAW HER IN OTHER STATES TOO 🫠

HELLO, RID. CAN YOU SEE HIM ENTERING HOME TO HER ONE DAY AND A!OC MOUTHING THE LYRICS OF A LOVE SONG TO TAE WHILE DOING MUNDANE THINGS WHILE THE MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BG?

AFTER THAT THEY COMPOSED THEIR OWN SONG OR SMTH IDK U TELL, RID!

inspo : a!oc being adorable-oc in general. her eyes having the purity even in the lewdest moments, her general love and admiration for him, original ruin you devil tango on the phone drabble 😮‍💨 a!oc loving to draw, tae in general loosing his composure around her lol

this one is loosely based on what my friend did once. so we were in a fb video call and she just randomly made a quick sketch of me on doodle. it was beautiful. 😔

since we are talking soft moments mostly, i can literally see him trying to sexually rizz her up on some video call— imagine him going like 'are you touching yourself?' or smth bc her hands are busy 🤣 but homegirl, who misses him sm and can be an adorable vixen, leads him on— only to send a quicksketch of him so beautifully done ( with artist-oc : a!oc touch 🥹 )....and can you imagine his reaction? always 'interpreting him anew' x 'you are an artist to me, okay?'

SORRY! I DON'T REMEMBER THE LINES VERBATIM!

inspo : basically, tae's protectiveness towards her, a!oc not liking to depend on people, her caring about his demons and wanting to fight his battles and these intially clashing, smex that melts you. tae : i cried, she crode. we s-crewed. ( no, rid. you never wrote that but its just a lil meme ref 😭 ) old tae and his demons.

this one is also from initial years. i think if she were to ever get injured in any way or had a scar—however minor, he'd still spend hours on those spot/s, kissing & hating himself for not being there when it happened. also, i think if she didn't tell him about such a thing/things bc it's not an issue to her, because he had sm going on according to her and didn't wanna pile on— he'd be upset. can see her making jokes about it since it's nothing to her, and him glaring at her with swimming red eyes ( just like the wedding drabble where he threatened her to never leave him ), and making similar threats to his favorite girl ( mid-lovemaking ) ☹️

you often write that before meeting her, tae's biggest flex in bed was composure. so i can literally see him shortcircuting (even during the roughest rounds), hearing her say the most loving things and her unadultered affection. the holds only bared by his urge to take care of her first like you always say.

also, i think when he first introduced her to his world of ruined tango, he was more concerned about her, than a!oc herself. can see him internally worrying, but she is the type to want it harder and more, anyway, to his constant surprise 😂 no, but seriously. suppose it's waxplay, and he knows what he's doing bc he's a pro, but it's still his a!oc 😭 no matter how much lust and control is swarming around them, his need to smear his affection on/inside her is REAL! ever love someone so much that even being balls deep in them isn't enough bc you wanna consume them whole??? and merge with their soul and being??? that's them, and it was novel for him. right?

and you said he kinda likes giving away control more now? why can i see a!oc, simply like a mini-him in some ways, just loving on every nook and crany of his being, when she first took over charge? 🥹 she must have had sm love to give him 🥹 i mean, in the past giving away control would be all about pleasure, but i think when he gave her that role for the first time, he wasn't expecting getting LOVED ON. CAN U HEAR HER WHISPERING PROMISES AND COMPLIMENTS IN THE PUREST WAYS? ( yk how she said, "well, it's true. i want it' about his 🐓 in such a harmless way? 🫠 ) whole lotsa crying, right? ....right?......RIGHT? 😭 bc it's never enough. not until they breathe. the other. in. AAAAA-

inspo : random ig reel, lol. this girl asked her bf, if her soul were to get switched with her bestfriend's, who would he pick. homeboy replied : i will take you to an exorcist 😂

imagine somebody asking her that question, but the other way around and in tae's presence— can see him tensing up bc hello, ry!jk wassup 🤩🚨 but a!oc will also pull up a "will take him to an exorcist" answer and set his demons free 🕊🕊🕊

inspo : papa!tae and mama-a!oc.

sometimes, i assume their first born is a son, then i settle for a daughter. or maybe an older brother to a lil sister. anyway, daughter is a mini a!oc. teenie tinie version of her 🤏🏻🥹 and he looks like such a girl dad at times, too.

to me—the babygirl has a!oc's eyes, his nose, and a pair of both of their lips combined, but also her father's fullness. why her mama's eyes?

BC DOUBLE HER, DOUBLE THE PEACE IN TAE'S LIFE.

imagine her wrapping that tiny chubby soft hand around his wedding ring instead of the pinky/thumb/index 🫠 he'd definitely be like : both of you women are gonna be the end of me :))))))))))))))))))))

little monet family. 🎐

it's so late at night. i resign 😮‍💨 please, recitfy me as you wish. also i forgot a lot of them, so pardon me 🫂 i couldn't articulate properly. had so much to write and tell but 🕸🕸🕸 love you, rid. thank you.

HI LOVE 🥺 i was feeling better last night and most of today haha but now the headache's coming back :')))) just why :'') it's a pretty horrible pain, but welp. and no worries babe, this isn't insensitive at all??? in fact, this is so fkn sweet?? 😭

yes, she def seems like someone who has her act together. as an office assistant, she's used to working neatly and diligently, so she'd be scolding tae for little things for sure hahaha :') ahhh the domesticity would shoot an arrow into his heart. he's never experienced such a love, you know? so to know somebody's here and his home… must affect him for sure :( they're both kind of an anchor to the other, and prove each other time and time again that they're able to show their true side. NAWH THEIR OWN LOVE SONG THO YES PLS.

the purity even in the filhiest moments is so fucking real. i don't remember if i actually mentioned that, but yes??? she's an angel, so there's some innocence in her eyes no matter what. NOT YOU USING MY QUOTES AGAINST ME IN A SKETCH SITUATION 😭 omg the confession.. you are an artist to me :') she would she would she would!!!

oh, he'd lose his shit if he saw an injury on her :( i remember my ex once crying and rushing to the hospital when i fell in the shower, and i had a lil scar on my chin (still do), and i think tae would feel similar? shedding tears and inspecting her wound and just everything :( he loves his baby and wants not a single scratch on her

omg ofc, he'd never be able to keep his chill with her hahaha no touch is ever enough. needs her melted with him <3

"i think when he gave her that role for the first time, he wasn't expecting getting LOVED ON" BABE YESS!!! 😭 maybe that's why he's so comfortable with her, too, even if he gives away control. he knows she knows what she's doing. also omg the exorcism one 😂 they're both witty so 100%.

hahaha honestly, i can't remember what i said about their firstborn or if i said anything at all, but yeah honestly both is possible!!! a boy whom he loves teaching life, or a girl who he adores with all his heart.. would definitely destroy him, along with oc hahaha that's a bit too much for his lil (big) heart :') little monet family 🥺

i hope you slept well!!! thank you so much for typing this all out??? i can't believe somebody's ready to do this for me or is invested enough in one of my stories to come up with such wholesome and long ass headcanons??? i love you fr 😭 i'm always here if you remember the others. thank you <3

[t00nyah]

What's one of your favorite songs right now?

THIS!! IS THE HOUR OF MY FAVOURITE MUSICIANS PROPAGANDA

so. so. im a big fan of BLACK DRESSES. they are my favourite band forever. and i love devi mccallion's and ada rook's own music as well!!!!!!!

SHORT ANSWER: every black dresses songs and most of devi mccallion's and ada rook's discography + the ones i mentioned riiight in the end of this post

LONG ANSWER: i CAN'T pick ONE of my favourite songs bc im INSANE about music so im just gonna drop a small list of songs that are literally playing in my head as i type this bc background music is always in my head

i do have to say quite a lot of their songs have explicit language in 'em and are usually very loud if you decide to give them a listen, like i don't doubt that it's not for everyone but just giving a heads up...i love them for making me feel like im not alone in the struggle of not fitting in with this world...plus i love the weird noises and screaming in songs lol!!!

so here's some songs from albums that are in my head rn!!!! (if you want to skip my brainrot i added non-black-dresses-or-rookor-devi music that i enjoy in the end!!!)

- BLACK DRESSES (Album: LAUGHINGFISH)

CAN'T KEEP THE KNOTS OUT DON'T FORGIVE THE WORLD I STILL SEE EVERYTHING NO DAYS OFF

- Ada Rook (Album: UGLY DEATH NO REDEMPTION ANGEL CURSE I LOVE YOU)

TRU U (I WANT TO SAY. in this song. the chorus makes me think of artificer because i have a rain world brainrot but i literally dont know how and what to do with this i just love this song)

COWARD 2 COWARD (honestly PROBABLY one of my MOST favourite songs.....ironically enough) VANISH/DOOM

also i have already mentioned on my blog but Rook's separated from her twin, a dying android arrives on a mysterious island. has a special place in my heart too and also smh vibes rain world to me idk why.... also i have another favourite in Rookie's Bustle - 920LONDON (i love this song and it made me very curious about the comic with the same name i wish i could get it...)

- Devi McCallion . lately been relistening to Fun Fun Fun, an MLP based album she released under aliases of Cats Millionaire! i love her pony songs!!! all of them!!!!!!!!

my FAVOURITE song from this one is def Exclusive Royal Canterlot Wedding Playset bc...thats how i found out about this album and it was the fact that its a chrysalis song made it 100% more special bc its such a fun song i love the allegory

but generally all the songs in this album are rn looping in my head...

also been thinking about I'm So Sorry and the song with same title from it.....it just makes me feel and i can't describe what it makes me feel but i just feel this song

also i really live Receiver!!

anyways sorry this post is so long i just wanted to brainrot about my favourite music bc I'M NOT NORMAL!!!

in addition: if you want to give something i like a listen but dont vibe with what i listed i also listen to Descend by Toby Fox (from Homestuck) on loop (this ost consists of leitmotifs only(im pretty sure???) and im not normal about that), i remember the entirety of June by American Murder Song by heart, i've been drawing an answer for my latest moon clinic ask yesterday with Ocean Breathes Salty by Modest Mouse ON LOOP. it just had THE VIBE of what it has hehe. i also recently found out that i really enjoy electro swing???? ALSO as a bonus: my favourite rain world ost is.............Grumblebum! another one would be The Coast...love the melancholic feeling of it.

[butterfrogmantis]

Wanted to expand on some of the stuff I wrote down on the religion hc post the other day + expand on the Julian stuff + … oh who am I kidding you guys know I’d just snap up any excuse to draw em rn I make no efforts to hide it /lh.

But on a serious note, the human-au specific notes;

1. Tailor develops his first crush on a classmate at the age of 10 on the boy that sat next to him during his Sunday Hebrew School; Noah Rubin. Noah was an intelligent and studious boy, Tailor finds himself coming over quite shy whenever he sees him, and he has a strange fluttery sensation in his stomach if he thinks about him … hm what could this mean?

2. Tailor talks to his synagogue’s Rabbi Levi. A compassionate and genuine man, Tailor felt safer talking to Levi even before his parents.  As expected, it was good call. They had a very genuine conversation that day about being born the way you’re supposed to be. Levi also knew Modiste and Yarner well enough to encourage Tailor to talk to them openly, which of course also goes well :)

3. The textile trio have a teenage talk some years later. All 3 discover none of them are straight and in Weaver’s case, not cis either.

4. Teen!Tailor meets a local sports star Julian Adkins. Julian is a regional champion ice skater, with the costumes to match. He’s confident, charismatic, charming … at least to begin with.

5.Yeah that smooth personality didn’t last long. Julian’s true personality comes out once he thinks he has Tailor on the hook. Selfish, manipulative, egotistical … Julian was only really after some fashionable clothes and a warm body for free. By the time Tailor got the sense to leave him it had already done some damage to both his optimism and his graduate programme, which he dropped out of due to having to see Julian on campus so much.

6. Adult!Tailor takes up his cousin’s offer to come and be their business partner in a little start up village they’ve heard about in Europe. The town could do with some clothes makers and the three think it would be an excellent start-over. Tailor thinks this might be a good opportunity to make some new friends at the very least … the villagers seem nice :)  

7. Several months after his wedding, Tailor Nudell-Cotter wrote a letter to Rabbi Levi. It mostly wished him well but also thanked him for being the first person he spoke to all those years ago, and reassured him that Tailor was truly happy where and who he was with now. He received a letter back a couple of weeks later that was genuinely proud of him. Tailor keeps the letter in his nightstand. He still looks at it sometimes.

Tailor, Spinner, Weaver (named but not design) and Farmer (c) The Smurfs

Noah, Levi and Julian are mine

[hxrnyforsturns]

the best part C.S

fluff, making out, brief nudity

a/n: my second fic!! it's a small little story i was in a fluffy mood so i'm writing one of the most romantic things in my opinion. this is like my dream lmfao.

orange chris

pink y/n

--------------------------------------------------------

4:37 am

today was the day i have dreamed of since i was a little girl. no not my wedding but i have always wanted to go on a sunrise date with my dream boyfriend. i'm glad to say i'm finally fulfilling this with chris.

i put on my- i mean chris's favorite dark green hoodie ,that was oversized on me,on with nothing but a black bra under, along with my grey sweatpants and my sneakers. i put on my glasses knowing i didn't have the energy to put on contacts this early in the morning. i grabbed my car keys and flipped my hood over my hair to hide the fact i didn't style it.

hey ml im omw to ur house rn

should be there in about 4 mins💞

i'm up and ready baby i'll be waiting outside for u❤️

--------------------------------------------------------

before i went to chris's house, i picked up a chocolate donut for him and a strawberry for me along with two iced coffees. i put on me and chris shared playlist. playing my favorite song, the best part by daniel ceaser. it reminded me of chris so much.

i pulled into the driveway and he almost immediately jumped in the passenger seat.

"hello my sweet boy!"

"hi my love! you got me my favorite!"

"only the best for my baby"

"oh nice sweat shirt where did you get it"

"it's so comfy you can't blame me"

"well it looks better on you anyway"

i could tell he just woke up because his voice was still groggy. he was rubbing his eyes trying to wake up. he was wearing nike grey sweats with a purple hoodie. we shared a quick kiss as i ran my fingers through his hair. one of my favorite things about him is how he lets me play with his hair. i remember he used to be sensitive about his hair and didn't let anyone touch it. we continued to sing our favorite song by daniel ceaser.

--------------------------------------------

we arrive to our spot. he asked me out here, he apologized to me here, he took pictures of us that are currently his wallpaper here. it was a very special place to us. it was still a bit dark out as we were waiting for the sunrise. we brought blankets and cuddled up in them. i brought my speaker and continued to play our playlist. we got our drinks and donuts and shared them together.

"have i told you this is my dream date"

"only 5 times "

"stopp! you don't understand how much this means to me."

"i couldn't be happier to share it with you."

chris grazes my thigh with one hand drawing little shapes. the other hand he was stroking my cheek.

"I just wanted to say thank you"

"anything for you."

he pulls me into a kiss. his soft fruity flavored lips gently press against mine. little moans escaping my mouth. I explained to him earlier that i didn't want this to be to sexual so i knew he would just keep this at making out. i run my hands through his hair,while in passionate kissed we whisper "i love you " back and forth to each other as we slowly catch our breath. i pull my sweatshirt over my head exposing my black bra.

"i thought we weren't"

"we aren't. i'm just hot"

he left one hand caressing my cheek and the other placing his hand on my almost exposed breast.

"i can feel your heart beat"

"it gets like this whenever around you. wow you don't realize the impact you have on me do you"

"i guess i don't, but you do know you make my heart beat faster whenever i see you."

"really?"

"yeah, your the most amazing person i've ever met and i'm so glad i'm spending my life with you."

happy tears start to flood my eyes as i pull him in for another kiss with chris. he pulls me in to cuddle as we watch the sunrise and get into more conversation. i wish i could spend the rest of my life with him.

--------------------------------------------

the sunrise was the most beautiful i've seen. we took more amazing photos. we drove back to chris's house and took a nap together.

[fanaticsnail]

Omg, the anon who drove from Sweden to Turkey, I just know you are not okay. Sending hugs your way.🫂🫂🫂

Um, what was your dad thinking? Seriously, a train or myb a plane would have been better. This is just hellish for the mind.

At least I hope you are going out to sea in Turkey to enjoy the beach while I'm cooped up here in the A/C.

To the ❤️❤️ anon, I love you, I hope you have fun on your vacation. Everyone is going on vacation, while I can only go to the city pools 😭😭 I'm gonna make the blog, no worries.

I'll make myself a silly lil header for the blog.

I wish I could draw it rn but I'm at work and can't, gotta wait till I get home😭 I want the header to be Doffy holding the sign reading Physics of One Piece while Luffy sits atop the board. I actually already have a chibi Doffy I drew for myself but I can use him for numerous things like holding a sign, so now I just have to get home and draw chibi Luffy 😊 if not, I'll just make it with chibi Doffy only.

Either that or Chopper & Luffy together from a manga panel with some edits. Ugh, I love both ideas.

- physics anon

Love is in the air between physics anon, ♡♡ anon, ���� anon and humanities anon. It will be a July wedding. You're all invited. Chef-husband will cater, I am more than happy to play violin at your nuptials.

A chibi Doffy? A CHIBI DOFFY? Can I see??? That header image is so cute!! I also love both ideas, but I am more Doffy leaning of late -> but then there's Chopper being a cutie 🤌

I get you on the desire to draw and being at work 🥹. It's just painful. The only reason I'm going on a small holiday is because my family live in the party capital of my country and I miss them dearly.

[ihopesocomic]

THERE'S SO MUCH I WANNA SAY ABOUT THE NEW CHAPTER BUT..

THE POSE IN THE LAST PANEL, JUST LIKE CLEVER, THE MIRRORING?????????????????

Also I like how despite Edge's manipulative speech he DOES see potential in Hopeful. And yes Jasper's a fool :D. Granted, good thing she didn't get swayed, but I like that you seem to have stuck with that with him from what you've previously said on the blog regarding how he'd see her. Let's see how he'll react to her being mentally strong as well. (Honestly I am on the edge (lol) of my seat to know what happens next.)

God and this is such a good debut to Edge's pride. It's so uncanny to see how "different" he looks when he's smiling and all dad-like like that even when talking like some professional business, since his pride might as well be in a way, like a white-furred Simba compared to his first appearance (and obviously the fact that he's evil and not above killing others *Still sobbing over Quiet amd Clever and now whatever emotions Adamant is going through rn aaaaa* and might as well be the equivalent to a Lion mafia boss, but still, it's weird in a good way and you nailed it). I almost wanna punch that face lol. But y'all have certainly made him charming in this chapter, Imma make it a double punch with both fists in that case. You have officially made him more likable for me than he already has been, I'll always appreciate when Word of God turns into canon. Like... god I hate him but I love him already now too as a character just from this chapter, why'd y'all do this to me? xD

And omg I love Bright already, she's so childish it's honestly kinda cute even if it's to the point of immaturity. I had such a different image of her before this but now... now she seems like she'll be a fun character to see play out in the comic and is so fricking precious. I need more of her now. I wanna see how bad she can be too. Evil(?) lesbians are so damn fun to write because I've done it before because my friend's was the same simple archetype (ofc that wasn't all to it but, it's the jist) hah.

Fade... aaaaaa, others have said more about him than I can but aaaaa. The way he looked at Hopeful, what's on his mind? Hope doesn't know her lil' sis was originally gonna be wedded off to him certainly, that must be so awkward now that I think about it. He don't like this scenario one bit. Though saying anything while Edge is talking might as well be like going into the bosses/principles/etc. office knowing they're your parent at the same time and it just makes things even more unpleasant than they already are.

This got long oops sorry..

ALSO STORM???? WHERE THE FUCK ARE YA? DEFINITELY ALIVE BECAUSE YOU NEED TO BE IN THIS STORY FOREVER BUT GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE AAAAAA.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT BEING LONG, it takes me a billion years to read, but its a fun billion years LOL

YES I'm so happy people liked Hope mirroring Clever haha it was a great idea presented by RJ.

Edge, while he did horrible things, does present a good case to Hope. Despite her experiences with her father and mother, she wants a pride, like many lions do, and he was able to lean into that.

And yea drawing him smiling and fatherlike was difficult, especially because I wanted to make him more vain with his expressions /but that wouldn't work/ because he's being completely honest here LOL He's not trying to trick Hope. He means what he's saying, and a villain that keeps their promises is pretty scary in my opinion. I wish I could've had Vanish and co do more, but they'll be doing more next time.

Once again I'm thrilled Bright made an impression on people. I like writing evil? lesbians too LOL Its so much fun. She is quite immature, but that'll present itself more later. I can't wait to show more of her.

And yea Fade is stuck in a hard place because his dad is actually good to him, but he's definitely hearing and seeing some things he didn't sign up for. He'll need to discuss a change in his contract.

AND STORM CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE RIGHT NOW, TRY AGAIN LATER!!

Thank you so much for your notes, I absolutely loved it LOL - Cat

[throwaway-yandere]

ansy, i match you with facess!ayato. you're welcome. /hj

honestly i am so bad at matchmaking people so i just default to someone's favorite characters. so in this case i am matching you up with dain.

no, listen.

he's so soggy for you it's giving us secondhand embarrassment. probably calls you 'light of my life' or 'my brightest star' in khaenri'ahn despite knowing that you write cannibalism and all these awesome fucked up shits (/aff).

20/10 would die for you. would also give you the heads of your enemies on a silver platter but he knows you're bad with gifts so he refrains from doing it. in exchange, he will make sure that all cockroaches that comes within five hundred meters of you will be thoroughly decimated ala raiden shogun style. L

he absolutely adores your drawings and writings, if he had a house he would totally frame them and put them up his bedroom walls. alas, the man is homeless. it's okay though, he's an expert at camping and his chest makes for a pretty comfy pillow. not as big as al haitham's but then again man i built like a brick house feeble scholar my ass-

his secret talent is reading your handwriting and he's proud of it. carries you everywhere at any time of the day as soon as he sees you sweat. man. he's so whipped. go get your man and go live happily ever after with him. don't forget to invite me to the wedding 👍🏻

- ✾

he's so soggy for you it's giving us secondhand embarrassment. probably calls you 'light of my life' or 'my brightest star' in khaenri'ahn despite knowing that you write cannibalism and all these awesome fucked up shits (/aff).

HEISIWOEOWI HELP THAT'S VERY CUTE– and also i feel like he'd be like "yeah, I've seen enough of this world that the cannibalism thing didn't bother me." HDHSJWOW–

"it's giving us secondhand embarrassment–" HDJSKS HELP–

The way you described this made me wish he was real even more 😔. I just want dain to eradicate all the cockroaches in the world is that too much to ask for.

(my genshin signature is ""feeble scholar" yEAh RiGht" rn so I agree, mfer alhaitham stop capping.)

His secret talent is reading your handwriting and he's proud of it

*sobs even more*

Help.

Don't make me fall harder for this man. I can't marry him 😭😭😭–

Ansy feels soft and will now shut down in 3... 2... 1...

[dapper-shipping-forever]

Hi I hope this isn't like... weird but I see you've got little invitations made for a wedding with Vash and I was just curious, are you going to/did you do like an actual event on this blog for that for followers to engage with? And if so how do you plan to do that? I hope this doesn't come off rude or anything I'm just curious of how that will work in terms of like... people being guests at the wedding

Hi there ! This isn't rude ���

I haven't yet done an event, but I am going to. Actually, rn I'm deciding what date I want to. As for the specifics of like what it's gonna consist of, I'm not sure rn. I've never done an f/o wedding. Usually I see people just make something and perhaps share a Playlist, I'm gonna do similar. I am gonna write and draw stuff for it and all that. However I do kinda want to make it somewhat interactive if people wish to actually participate. Maybe a little takeover. Also thinking of encouraging people to tag me in like an outfit or something their s/i and f/o would wear to attend, whether or not they're from T.rigun also. Something cute basically !

[prozac-shaped-urn]

once again i wrote ~2,500 words in ~5 hours with intermittent social media breaks and youtube video searches and *ahem* ~research~

the muses have been kind to me the last couple nights. i wish this will continue but i know it won't.

the downside to what's happening rn is that these scenes don't have a home yet. i have no idea where the fic is going from where it currently stands, and i hate it so i'll likely redo most of what i have so far. especially the romangerri smut because that's a big draw.

i may end up writing this whole thing and then doing a wed/sun post schedule which i have NEVER done before. but there's a first time for everything i guess.

[tethered-heartstrings]

I have too many fic idea and I can't start any of them *cry*

I don't know what to do so uhm, I'm sharing one with you if you don't mind :3

~What if Will Graham is a famous painter but he has this some sort of tendency to like, imagine or create a horrifiying gorey art (like murder or like those crime scene wed see at the NBC Hannibal) and sometimes, use blood (not human blood... Yet :) to draw his artwork.

And then there's Hannibal, who's of course, a therapist who'd apparently assigned as Will's therapist. Is he a cannibal? a serial killer? I don't know, I haven't thought about this yet :°

Basically the whole story is just about how Hannibal corrupt Will into murder. That's all I guess~

Also sorry if it's not understandable, I only have 2 and a half braincells rn so... yeah

Also wish you luck for your finals :D

I know that feeling! The idea part of it and sharing it with friends and mutuals is very exciting. I also have soooo many ideas, but actually opening up a document and *starting* it is hard.

and no worries, I understood it and don't mind you sharing at all! I think it is a really neat idea and I hope you are able to find the time and energy to execute it!

[rainbowgothdisaster]

For the artist asks, 2, 11 & 18 :3

2. 5 favourites of your own work?

in no particular order:

pokesona, the stars are falling (not posted, will be posted with this years redraw), jewel's house, sleeping jewel, jewel's bedroom (also an extra bcuz i really like it but couldn't find the compressed file to put here: be back soon screen)

i have a lot of fun drawing my pokesona, it was drawn completely using vector lines which was unbelievably enlightening

the stars are falling was first drawn back in 2020 and has become a way for me to compare how my art has developed over the years. 2020 only featured Jason (he/him), 2021 only had Zero (ey/em), and 2022 includes the former two plus Cleo (she/her, but shes bigender and also goes by Liam he/him), 2023 will include Jason and Ambe (she/her). its a way for me to basically do a benchmark test on my composition and anatomy and colours and shading. i always have a lot of fun drawing it and sometimes making whole new brushes. important note: this one was actually submitted to an art contest, sadly i lost but it was actually my first time since elementary putting my art out with the intent to be judged.

jewel's house was my first time drawing and designing a house and finding different places to incorporate hearts was literally so much fun.

sleeping jewel is just super cute and jewel's bunny hoodie is my favourite thing ever. i have it on my phone and could stare at it for hours.

jewel's bedroom is ALSO a redraw. i enjoyed trying to fit so many things in it, i enjoyed sketching, i enjoyed lining, i enjoyed colouring. though this is actually my least fav of the 5 bcuz i fully believe the idea that your art is only as good as its weakest point. that's not to say its bad or that everyone will approach it as critically as possible. not even to say that everything needs to be perfect. but when i was rendering it, i didn't want to shade. so i took a funky brush and just rushed thru shading. in fact you can see that when watching the speedpaint, i just kinda scribbled the shading. HOWEVER that doesnt take away from the fact i think the rest of it is really well done. i think i did well on the bed in particular and the fact that i stylized a real bed that we own and my actual childhood bed that i would die to get back (we owned two, mine was lost when mum and dad had to abandon my childhood home bcuz of shitty roommates and a shitty landlord) i enjoyed drawing my actual stuffed animals and my actual lolita dress. it like actually has sentimental value bcuz of all of that i just wish i did it better.

11. favourite comment you've ever received on your work?

uhhhh so like i dont usually recieve comments on my work aside from my family's "wow i could never do that" soooo well go with the comment you left on my bunny hoodie design bcuz as far as i can remember iirc it was the first time id gotten a nice comment about my fashion designs and i was really happy someone liked it bcuz im like super nervous about my silly fashion doodles :)

18. do you have any larger projects you'd like to pursue? like comics, shortfilm, a series, etc?

yes! id like House Of Misfits to be a cartoon, tho the show would probably be lighter than the short stories bcuz i don't imagine i could explore Amber's backstory on screen. im making a proof-of-concept website which is technically online and more than 70% unfinished.

i also have a coming-of-age novel i need to do research for called Saftey Blanket about a hijabi girl named Aminah in her senior year of highschool (if i made it a series wed get to see her twin siblings realize they're trans which would be fun but rn they are but lil babbies), id like to make a children's cartoon and a visual novel but i don't currently have any ideas for either.

btw despite the fact that i am an animator, i don't want to animate a show. i want to run a show. i don't actually enjoy animations longer than maybe 10 seconds.

i have a side project based around the album A Constant State Of Ohio by Lincoln that would be a very personal project around self image while having multiple personality disorders (and other problems), but i cannot for the life of me make an animatic. there's lots of ideas like this jostling in my brain, like a stop-motion animation of Through The Roof n Underground by Gogol Bordello, where i just simply cannot which i am fine with.

then theres the fact i do actually want to sew my fashion designs, at least that bunny hoodie if nothing else, and i cannot get my hands on any fabric despite owning a sewing machine

[sorikkung]

omg ahhhh im so flattered these kinds of reblogs/reviews rly make my day im so 🥹🥹🥹 thank you so much 🥹🥹🥹🥹

mans in the weirdest most amateur setup in his life and he's just rolling with it, hitting the ground running, tubatu and the aussies may have emotional involvement but my guy Hwa is 100% into it for the beauty of the art and i gotta admire that

this made me chuckle. mans has never acted in his life outside of drama class so he has NO point of reference and is just sitting here like. This Is Normal 🙂 not a singular thought going on in that pretty head </3 except for. How To Act™. hes a bit of a goof.

i also happen to think we deserve to do a bit of arson at the wedding. as a treat.

yknow, there was no actual arson planned in the original plot description, but then again, i never wrote down the full plot description and only have a vague idea in my head with some major landmarks and not the how we get to them, so honestly, there very well could be arson at the wedding. frankly, that'll be as much of a surprise to me as it is to the rest of yall. i am shamelessly winging half this fic SDFJKGKSJDFKHJSD

also props to him for doing it without any misgendering, despite how likely it might have been from reader's homophobic parents (as far as he knows)

sooo fake homophobia is ok but fake transphobia is where we draw the line? LMFAOOO nah this was deliberate because the reader is not explicitly trans. idk if i slipped up and put something to imply otherwise in previous parts, but i am very deliberately leaving the physical description of the reader vague, other than simply Male and Punk, to make it inclusive for all the men who stumble across this, whether amab or afab. as a transmasc myself i do read the reader to be trans, so in my mind his parents Are transphobic and probably sprinkle some of that in too, but i wont write it like that, itll just be left in my imagination ver. if you Do what to see a badass transmasc reader face down transphobic parents, i will shamelessly plug my oneshot fic focused on that entire topic if you havent read it already, of princes and princesses.

Yeonjun praise kink confirmed

oh yeah, thats blatantly obvious on purpose SKJDFGKJSDF and very canon to the real yeonjun we know n love, he loves hearing praise, id be doing him dirty if i wrote him any less LOL

They could be jealous or angsty and in other stories it would be totally justified but i do like that above all their complicated history and feelings they're still serving obnoxious best friend energy lmao

keep in mind what we're seeing here is Strictly the reader's pov - we have no idea whats going on inside their heads rn. that being said, they are Always serving obnoxious best friend energy LMFAOO

Dear passengers, the train bound for acknowledge-your-feelings-ville is making an emergency stop in denial-town for the foreseeable future due to a malfunction of the emotional perception recalibrator, we apologize for the inconvenience.

LMFAO. i laughed at this one hsdkjfgksdfkjgksjfd yeah it rly do be like that sometimes!

Okay so my assumptions for their reasons are:

Yeonjun's into it and was very much rooting for these two guys he finds cute to get together (then with him 'cause this is still a polycule hm?), i also think he wishes reader praised him as much as he praises lix lol

close! hes definitely into it, but not so much for the sake of seeing them get together - its purely just the voyeuristic glee of seeing two guys he finds cute be cute together. hes just enjoying the show. he also cant wait for his turn again.

Taehyun could be taking note of what reader likes and what else he can do to impress him. also there's a non-zero chance he's got his arms crossed and one fine eyebrow raised as the only indication that he's feeling anything but neutral

yeah, spot-on - he might be smirking a little because he's perceptive enough to notice how flustered the reader got, but yeah, you basically got it.

Hongjoong's boring holes in their heads trying to understand wtf is up with those weirdos staring at each other and not saying a thing?? like what kinda nt nonsense is going on here JUST TALK JUST EXPLAIN THINGS FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK (not a little bit projecting his own inability to confess to Hwa tbh)

AHAHAHA thats a funny interpretation, but no, he's staring at them realising he's going to have to show this kind of affection with the others - particularly seonghwa - but maaayyybe hes thinking of a certain couple and the man in front of him as well 🤭

Love how everyone got their little moments, even those who weren't the focus of this chapter, and how no one was forgotten as the fic went deeper into specific characters' feelings—everybody still got to live and react and be there rather than become one with the furniture which is a feat i've seen professional showwriters fail at lmao

not gonna lie, this was a really, really hard balance to find HSKFDGKJS and one of the things that i was struggling with in all my rewrites. with so many characters in one room, i cant just ignore what the other characters are doing, but i also cant keep updating each individual reaction from each of them bc 12 is too many and itd just feel forced. we got there in the end tho, so im glad it was noticeable enough for you to comment on it <333

The way all their emotions have been entwining and strengthening has me both absolutely enamoured but also kinda scared that things might get worse before they get better. I am praying for the polycule to develop good healthy efficient communication ahahahhh

ahahahaha well! ! they'll get there eventually <3

Once more very happily mentioning how nice it is that no one's getting jealous, i know it's a poly fic so that's part of the package but still, i feel it's worth pointing out, especially with how often love stories rely on jealousy for conflict yk?

yeah i hate jealousy plots too, but only when its romanticised or accepted as a thing that doesn't need to be addressed, yk? like, maybe address the Why youre getting jealous instead of stopping the What makes you jealous and making it the other persons fault... but i digress. jealousy is not not something completely removed from polyamory though. i dont know how far im gonna delve into that, but we've already seen mild jealousy from felix and soobin, they just dont make it the other persons problem sdfkgskjfdkj we'll see where that goes, but don't worry, you won't see any toxic monogamy ass jealousy coming from me.

overall, thank you thank you thank you for such an in-depth and wordy review, this is the shit that really keeps us writers writing yk :') so it means the world to us <3 glad youre enjoying this much thus far 🥹🥹🥹

good boy gone bad | 27

bad bitch lessons, a.k.a the "audition"

wc: 4.8k

a/n: my god we're FINALLY BACK after half a years unofficial hiatus because i forgot how to write <3 on god i wrote this chapter 4 times and its not my favourite still but im not writing it a 5th and i like it Enough so i hope yall enjoy it too SDFGKJSFD we should be able to pick up the pace quickly with normal smau chapters soon :) thank you all for waiting!!!

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Having a dozen men all crammed in a one-man studio apartment is about exactly as cramped as it sounds. How you wish you could have had one of those more spacious studio apartments, complete with floor to ceiling windows, a proper kitchen, and a living room. For now, you will have to settle for six men sitting on your bed, Wooyoung sitting on Yeosang's lap at your desk, Chan and Felix standing in the bathroom doorway after washing the dye and bleach out of their hair, and Hongjoong standing ominously in the corner, pouting after realising the “fake” in the “fake punk polycule” included the punk part, and not just the polycule.

You make do.

Describing exactly the kind of character you want them to play is the easy part – cocky, brash, sleazy and obnoxious are the names of the game, and if everyone absorbed your in-depth explanation as much as Seonghwa has been diligently typing it down on his phone, you think this should be a breeze. The next part of the plan is to see them in action and test their wits — in other words, time for them to audition.

By whatever miracle, you are able to explain the auditioning process without tipping off the others to you and Wooyoung’s little deception – he catches your eye during the explanation and gives you a grateful wink – and set up the scene for your improvisation game. These boys need practice, as too much unfamiliarity will be far too apparent on the day, and it’s already going to be a tough sell to prove that you managed to pull twelve boyfriends. You damn well might be in over your head with this one, but you are in too deep to pump the breaks now.

“Basically, I need you all to show me what you can do. Cause if your acting does not cut it, I’m gonna be the laughingstock here and my back-up plan is probably arson.”

Beomgyu snorts from his spot on your bed. “I think arson is a pretty good back-up plan.”

“Pretty good except for the criminal charges, yeah. So, time to partner up! Who’s got the balls to go first?”

Seonghwa blinks a few times, looking at his phone, then looking back up at you in confusion. “Why is your back-up plan arson?”

“I’ll go first!”

Saved by the bell, Yeonjun pipes up just in time to avoid another hasty bluff to throw the aspiring actor off your tail, and you have no idea if he did that on purpose but you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth either way.

“Perfect, who do you wanna do it with? For the first scenario, I’ll play my dad.”

“I can-“ Hyuka speaks up, but you notice Soobin tugging on his sleeve and freezing in alarm at all the eyes on him, and it seems to make Hyuka hesitate as well. There’s an obvious tension there that you can’t quite place the origins of, but judging by the way Wooyoung is excitedly biting his nails, you figure you can pry later. “Um. Uh-“

Yeonjun smiles at them apologetically, then turns back around to you. “Actually, I was hoping you’d be my partner for this.”

He says those words like he intends for them to linger, and you figure after how forward he’s been so far coming onto you that he means it, but you don’t want to throw Felix under the bus like that after he begged you to bring him along so he could shoot his shot with the man, so you try not to indulge him too much.

“Oh.” You try to ignore the way that makes your face heat up. “Sure, okay. Yeosang, you play my dad, act really judgemental and pissy at us.”

Yeosang wrinkles his nose. “I don’t want to be your dad.”

You were hoping he would say that.

“Perfect! You already know your lines. Annnd, action!”

His disgruntled expression is honestly quite fitting for the role you just cast him in, and Wooyoung stands up to instinctively take what you assume is the role of your mother as he leans on the backrest of your desk chair to mutter to him, “I cannot believe him right now. Does he really think crashing the wedding with all his friends will do him any favours? If only he’d just settled down with a nice girl…”

Yeonjun stares the couple down, then takes a confident step towards you; that’s about as far as he gets before he visibly falters. You raise a brow at him.

“That’s your cue, Yeonjun. If they’re talkin shit, it’s time to act up.”

He fidgets with his sleeves, posture shrinking in on himself, and suddenly his striking appearance and features look far less intimidating than they did just a moment ago. “Um. Well. I should first probably uh… ask. How far I’m meant to go with this?”

You get the feeling you know what he’s asking by that, but not being entirely sure, you press. “What do you mean?”

“Like…” he takes another step closer, this time all the way up in your personal space and cages you to the wall with both arms. His stance seems confident, but the look on his face is very pointedly not, a stark juxtaposition to his usual shameless bravado. “Like, how far can I go to cause a scene? Cause if I was really with my boyfriend hearing his parents spout that shit about him, I’d just kiss him on the mouth and see how mad they get.”

“I like how you think.”

“Is that—” Yeonjun wets his lips in anticipation, wide eyes flicking between yours and your lips as he leans in even closer, “—consent?”

It’s honestly quite charming of the effortlessly flirty one to be so concerned with explicit consent even now, so you just take the leap for him and grab the collar of his shirt, closing the distance. The others erupt behind you, hoots and hollers all drowned out by the feeling of Yeonjun’s plush lips on yours and your heart dancing in your chest so wildly you think it could trip and fall out. He seems completely caught off guard, taking a moment to really process what was happening before he’s kissing you back with such a shocking gentleness that when he reaches up to cup your chin with a feather-light touch, you almost feel like you should slow down for him.

Instead, you back off, leaving him there gawking at you like you just grew a second head while his fingertips ghost over his lips where yours just were. His ears are flushed pink.

“You’d think you’ve never kissed a guy before, with that face you’re making,” you tease, flicking his nose. “It’s very cute. But as much as I enjoyed that, it doesn’t exactly quite have the impact I’m looking for, and that’s exactly why I set today aside to practice— we have to act familiar. It has to be natural, and comfortable, otherwise it’ll be very obvious that it’s an act.”

The way Yeonjun droops at the comment makes you want to rescind it, but you have enough restraint not to. It is quite clear to you now that Yeonjun obviously does seek your approval a lot more than the others do – such as much was hinted to you by Beomgyu, but his reaction here further confirms it – so you want to be nice to him, but without playing a clear favourite.

Lord knows what Felix will think, is the first rogue thought to cross your mind, and suddenly reminding yourself why he’s part of this plan in the first place, you look over to glance at your best friend in horror – did you just string him along this whole time to go directly for the one guy here you wanted to wingman him with most? – but surprisingly enough, the look Felix gives you two isn’t one of burning jealousy or betrayal.

He has half his fist in his mouth and his eyes are positively sparkling.

You make a mental note to ask him about that later.

“Aw, don’t look too down, that took guts to go for straight away!” You turn back to praise Yeonjun, affectionately clasping his shoulder, and he nods quickly with a tiny, hopeful grin. “My only feedback is to not be so careful. I’m not gonna flip out at anything less chaste than a peck, I’m trying to cause a scene. Has to be somewhat scandalous, without, y’know, actually getting us arrested for public indecency.”

Yeonjun chokes on nothing, then recovers with a laugh – but before he gets to say anything back, Taehyun has bolted upright from his seat on the bed, a sudden determination in his steely gaze. He makes himself quite difficult to read, whether on purpose or otherwise; you know factually that this man has some sort of crush on you, that is, if Beomgyu’s word is truthworthy, though, you have no real reason to doubt him thus far. Unlike Yeonjun who wears his heart on his sleeve, Taehyun’s expression remains consistently unreadable to you whenever you observe him. Part of you wonders just how much of that wall is intentional. Regardless, the words that come out of his mouth next are the ones you expect the least.

“Let me try.”

It’s not a question. He gives you room to decline, but it’s very pointedly not a question, and just that confidence from one of the more reserved members of the group is enough to get your heart thrumming again – not that it had much of a chance to calm down yet. Your mind flickers back to the back-n-forth between him and Gyu in the group chat, the hickeys left all over his neck, and the tip he oh-so-graciously gifted you in a pre-emptive strike of revenge, and suddenly you feel hot.

“Sure, go for it.”

Taehyun grabs you by the back of the neck. He doesn’t even hesitate, pulling you in to slot himself where Yeonjun was just a moment ago, crashing your lips together and shoving the other man out of the way with his free arm as he backs you up into the wall again, pressing you against it and kissing you breathless. He’s fucking intoxicating, the way he dares to taste you on his tongue without care for the audience around him, without care for anything else except his hands in your hair and on your hip and the way he gasps against your mouth when you loop your arms around his shoulders and hook a leg around his waist. He shoves his hips forward against you in response and the others react so loudly your neighbours probably thought everyone’s favourite soccer team scored a winning goal.

“Woo! More tongue!” Beomgyu hollers, and Taehyun doesn’t even break the kiss for the one moment it takes for him to presumably flip him off, if the hand leaving your hip was any indication, followed by a very prompt “Fuck you too!” from his roommate. You realise quickly that he isn’t going to be the one to pull away first, so regrettably, you push him back with a coy smile and a thin string of spit connecting your mouths.

“Eww, gross,” Soobin snickers, hiding his laughter with large hands over his mouth. “Wow, I’m shocked. I didn’t think you had it in you, Tyun.”

He shrugged in what sure looks like nonchalance, but you start to think it looks more like self-restraint, given how keen he was on not stopping. “He said he wanted a scandal, and if that won’t scandalise his conservative homophobic parents, I’m not sure what will.”

It takes you a good few seconds just to re-gain your ability to speak, but by then, he’s already turned back to you with his hands in his pockets and a smug grin on his face. Fuck, you must be blushing – the way Chan and Felix are grinning at you from the side with a knowing look in their eyes tells you you’re probably definitely blushing.

“So, how was it?” he prompts cockily, and you hate the way you instinctively swallow and betray how flustered he got you that easily.

“G-Good,” you hum weakly, clearing your throat before repeating yourself. “Good. Um. Yeah that was like, kind of exactly what I was looking for. Flying colours. You pass! Though, I have to say, and don’t get me wrong I am thoroughly happy to kiss you all, um, we do kind of need to be able to sell the act without relying on just. Making out repeatedly every time they look in our direction. Try and save those for when they seem the most pissed off. But yeah, that was like… good.”

Felix wriggles his eyebrows at you suggestively. “That good, huh?”

“Oh, shut up and get over here,” you mutter, making a harsh jerking motion for him to come forward and save you from your embarrassment – he has a towel on his head from drying out the dye in the sink just before, so you snatch it from him to quickly and roughly towel-dry it to distract yourself from your burning face. The black hair looks good on him, you think, the way the dark wet strands fall in front of his face and frame his features in a way you haven’t seen on him before – last time his hair was any darker than blonde, it was his natural brown and didn’t reach past his eyebrows, and now his hair was getting long enough at the front to tickle his nose. He looks like a completely different person, and frankly, now is the worst possible time for him to be looking a lot more attractive than you would allow yourself to internalise prior.

“Right, so we gonna show them how it’s really done, now?” Felix teases, and you punch him in the arm with a scoff, making him recoil as if you just bowled him over. You can’t even tell if he’s gotten flirtier with you if he’s just pulling your leg, but you did say you would use him as a demonstration for the kissing part. Not that you need to, anymore, with Taehyun setting such an example, and you tell yourself that’s a good thing. “Ow, ow! How you wound me, lovebug.”

You wrinkle your nose at both him and how hard you’re thinking about kissing him now. “Don’t call me lovebug.”

“Why not? Aren’t we meant to be boyfriends, now?”

A breathy laugh escapes your lips at his attempts to lighten the mood while you finish towel drying his hair and tossing the cloth into your laundry hamper, fixing the strands atop his head to sit nicely.

“Yeah, yeah, but lovebug is a bit much, I think. You’re on the right track, though, take notes of that everyone – casually dropping pet names between each other in a way that looks natural will be perfect for making a convincing polycule, so utilise that, just try not to lay it on too thick.” You’re back into dedicated drama teacher mode before you even know it, Felix content to stand beside you with a curiously pleased grin as you explain to everyone further.

“For today, I don’t expect all of you to start kissing each other on the mouth, but I do want you all to start getting familiar with breaking the touch barrier, obviously within whatever your partner consents to. Using Felix as my example, some other things I’d like to see and focus on are placements of hands—” you wrap yours around Felix’s waist, and he’s quick to mirror you, only to blush when you slide a hand into his back pocket, “—or small yet intimate actions, like, tucking hair behind their ear, playing with each other’s hands, touching their neck, things like that.”

You demonstrate each action on Felix as you say it, and by the time you have a hand on the side of his neck and caress it gently with your thumb, you find he’s completely relaxed into your touch, leaning back against one of your shelves as he pulls you in front of him between his legs and plops his chin on your shoulder with both arms around your front and playfully patting patterns on your belly.

“Hey,” he murmurs, breath fanning against your neck, and you can hear the smirk in his voice that’s usually so playful and silly but now, standing in front of everyone like this, has goosebumps rising on your skin. “I think just playing around with each other will look the most natural. Real couples do stuff like this all the time, right?”

Frankly, you fully expected you would be using Felix as a human test dummy, figuring he would be content with you throwing yourself at him all you want for the purpose of demonstration, and comfortable enough to do so, but you hardly expected he would be the one demonstrating anything on you of his own accord, and you swear it must be the residual adrenaline of kissing the two men before him that has you still riled up and on edge enough for the rumble of his deep voice in his chest pressed to your back to make your legs feel like jelly. Only a little bit, though, you are not getting genuinely flustered over the flirtatious actions of your best friend, rather, merely surprised at him being a lot less shy in front of others than you thought he would be. Not that he’s ever really been shy towards you, not in a long time now, especially when it comes to things like physical affection, but… you don’t know where that train of thought is going anymore.

“Right, yeah,” you agree, pliantly allowing him to grasp your chin and turn your face towards his, so he could plant a tiny little peck on your nose and beam at you widely. His face is so close, and unlike the previous two, you have not thought about having this man’s face so close to yours since the two of you were in high school. His face has filled out so much since then; he’s lost all the baby fat in his cheeks, his jawline sharper and his features more pronounced, and now that he’s actually started using chapstick his lips aren’t permanently chapped and gross anymore either, in fact they’re now quite glossy and shapely-

You look away before he can kiss you.

You didn’t even realise you were staring so hard at his lips until you were leaning in, and all you hear of the commotion from everyone else around you sounds like static. Gyu is screaming, Wooyoung is cheering, Yeosang is trying to stop him from climbing onto your desk chair, Soobin has bowled Hyuka over with his face buried in his back while the newly-bleached blonde just laughs at him, Yeonjun, Taehyun and Hongjoong seem fixated on you and Felix, all for different reasons, Seonghwa is furiously typing down notes on his notes app again and Chan is nowhere to be found. Probably in the bathroom washing out his hair dye, you think.

“Yeah, so, um, all of that, and like, of course general flirtatiousness, is the kind of thing I’m looking for, even better if you can be an obnoxious prick about it,” you joke, trying to seem chill with no idea how well you were actually succeeding in it. “So, partner up and have some time to practice, I’m gonna go finish up Chris’s hair and then I’ll come back to evaluate y’all.”

Felix’s brilliant grin falls to a slight pout when you pull away from him, arms trailing after you as you leave for the bathroom. “You good?” he calls out after you, and you want him to know he didn’t do anything wrong to make you uncomfortable, but you also can’t handle looking at him right now when the face of your old high school crush in the body of a supermodel stares back at you, so you have to leave.

“Yeah, I’m fine! Just juggling this many people and makeovers is hard,” you reassure him with a slight smile, and that seems to console him enough to allow you to dip to the bathroom and leave the door only slightly ajar behind you, letting you take a deep breath to collect yourself.

Good fucking god. Okay, so Felix is hot now – that shouldn’t really come as a surprise to you, but it does, because you’ve spent the last god knows how many years trying to tell yourself he’s not really your type anymore, but especially in the clothes you picked out for him and his hair styled like that, he fucking is. He’s the spitting image of your type and all of a sudden with the balls to match – or maybe he’s had the guts for a while now, but you pointedly did not want to notice – and you do not know how you are supposed to feel about any of it. You already have a crush on one of your two closest best friends, you definitely don’t need two – especially on one that already rejected you years ago, and especially not when surrounded by plenty of other equally as attractive and far more eager men who would give you their time of day.

You shake your head, ridding yourself the thought, instead letting yourself linger on the kisses you did have, how different they felt but how heart-fluttering each of them were anyway; Yeonjun’s uncharacteristic shyness and gentleness, how cutely flustered he was after in a way you really want to tease more, and Taehyun’s shocking boldness and confidence, how handsy of a kisser he is, how determined—

“Hey, can you pass me that towel?”

And of course, your actual crush, the one you oh-so-desperately want to get over but it’s kind of hard to do that when he’s standing shirtless in your shower with streaky blue dye dripping down his face and neck.

“O-Oh, yeah, sure.”

It’s not the first time you’ve seen Chan shirtless and definitely won’t be the last. That man hates wearing shirts around the house if he doesn’t absolutely have to, and even pants are optional if its warm enough, but you will never truly get used to seeing his muscular body that he works so hard on, all on display like this. You’ve gotten a lot better at not staring as much, though, not that he ever seems to notice, and just as good at acting like it didn’t affect you at all, so falling back into the familiarity of that is a relief after the whirlwind of emotions you just went through outside.

Once Chan finishes towel-drying his hair into a bright blue fluffy cloud, he slips his top back on, re-attaches his earrings and accessories, and it’s only now when you get to realise just how much effort he’s put in his appearance today to match your aesthetic. Not that the two of you were ever that far apart in that respect – he too didn’t have much colour in his wardrobe other than black, and preferred clothes with a bit of an edge to them, albeit, cranked down a significant few notches from your usual over-the-top attire.

When he looks at his reflection in the mirror, though, he doesn’t seem too happy with it.

“Something’s missing,” he mumbles, scratching his chin. “I don’t know what it is. But while I’m dressed the part, even with bright blue hair, it doesn’t quite feel… drastic enough, I guess. I feel like I still just look like the guy down the road your parents know and like enough.”

You give him a long, hard look – while you’re pretty sure part of it is his own low self-esteem not being able to see himself as cool, intimidating or attractive in any calibre, he has a point – he still looks too soft and familiar.

“Can I put makeup on you?”

Chan brightens up at that a little. You wonder if he was hoping you would say that.”

“Sure!”

You grab a stool from the corner of the cramped bathroom where you had the boys sit in earlier for him to sit on, but once you get your makeup out and decide on what kind of look you want to try on him, you realise it’s a little too low for you to work on his face without bending over. Glancing over your shoulder at the crack in the door, and hearing all the liveliness out there filter through it – shrill squeals, lots of laughter, some yelling, someone’s started playing music again – you decide you don’t want to leave the quieter comfort of your bathroom into that chaos just yet, so you straddle Chan’s lap on the singular chair with a shrug and get to work.

Chan has to steady you with both hands on your waist so you don’t both go toppling off the stool – suppose not having a back made it a little more precarious than anticipated, but his strong arms hold you in place just fine. You try not to think about it, because you really, really don’t need to be thinking about that right now, and try to simply focus on the dramatic smoky eyeshadow you’re applying instead that you think will really pop with the spare blue contacts you had lying around that’ll make his warm and approachable gaze a lot more piercing.

He doesn’t say anything, so neither do you, despite your heart beating arguably heavier now than it was what you were being pressed to a wall and made out with – and it becomes a lot more dangerous to think about that now instead of a welcome distraction, because his face is so close that you can observe every little detail, including the tiny, faded little freckles that dust his cheek in the warmer weather, and how plump and soft his lips look. Fuck. You’re rather glad he has to keep his eyes shut for you to do his eye makeup, because you’re looking down at his lips a lot more than you’d usually allow yourself to, but with all the kissing talk and practice and the weakness you’ve always had for his thick, perfect lips, you are just not a strong enough man today.

His hands shift you closer on his lap, and you feel just the slightest bit more insane.

“Open your eyes?” you ask him, to observe your work and snap you out of it, and he blinks at you a few times cautiously. A smile is creeping across his face, the nervous kind you’re all too familiar with – he has a certain smile he does when he knows he’s being perceived whether he likes it or not, and it’s just as adorable as it is saddening that he clearly has no fucking idea how breathtaking he is.

“How is it?”

“You’re beautiful,” you breathe out, a little choked up. The situation seems a lot more tense than you intended it to, but he must feel it too, because he shies away under your gaze. “I mean it. Not because of the makeup, I just used it to enhance your features further, but I really just…”

I really just think you’re fucking gorgeous.

What the fuck has gotten into you today?

“Just… what?”

You slide off his lap, ignoring the way his grip on your hips tighten for the slightest second before letting you go to rummage through your cabinet for the unopened blue contacts you knew you had in there. “Here, put these on. I think they’ll really complete the look.”

He shrugs, taking them from you and taking his time putting them in, not all that used to putting in contacts, but it isn’t his first time, either. You’ve roped him into enough cosplays with you and Felix over the years to have him familiar enough with the process of putting them in, and eventually he turns back to look at you with an icy blue gaze that is equal parts unsettling and arousing.

“Yeah, you definitely look fiercer now. Take a look.”

Chan finally turns to the mirror, taking in his new look, and his long evaluation of himself seems more intrigued this time around than distasteful, which is a win in your book. If he likes what he sees, maybe your confidence can start to rub off on him some, too.

“Wow,” he exhales, twisting his face this way and that. “I look like a completely different person.”

“Not really.” You know that it was against the point, so you elaborate. “Just a different flavour. You’re still the Chris I know and love, but you look more… confident, almost. And half of any act or aura of intimidation or coolness is just that. Confidence.”

“Confidence, huh…” Chan stands up a little straighter, squaring his gaze a bit more and trying to channel his inner you. He looks hot. Ridiculously hot. But that really can’t be your focus right now. “Yeah. I feel more confident, too. I’ll try see if it’s enough for me to put the moves on one of the boys,” he chuckles, and you smack him on the ass and playfully shove him out the door.

“Go get ‘em, tiger.”

-

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[mildcicada]

Things get worse before they get better