#astarion deftly avoiding thinking about his own feelings for them: there there

[elfcollector]

[PERFORMANCE] Twirl about with flair and abandon.

[aerynwrites]

Worries and Doubts

Halsin x Astarion

Summary: On a quiet afternoon in the forest, Astarion starts to have worries about the future. Halsin is quick to comfort him. A/N: first dive into actually writing this ship. Overall I’m really happy with it and hope you all enjoy this soft vulnerable moment between these two. Apologies if it seems OOC, still working with them! Word Count: 2k Warnings: Emotional hurt/comfort, talks of past abuse, slight spoilers for Astarion’s arc, non-sexual intimacy, kissing, fluff.

The afternoon is surprising cool today, the sun leaving dappled patterns on the forest floor through the trees as a gentle breeze rustle the pages of the book in Astarions hands. 

It’s a fictional tome, a romance if one could believe it. But the words are but a blur before Astarion’s eyes from where he holds it above him in his lounged position. 

His head rests against sturdy legs outstretched in front of the larger elf beside him, Halsin’s eyes closed peacefully as he leans against the large oak the two men have taken shelter under. 

Halsin had asked him to come out here, missing the touch of natures embrace after spending so long within the city’s walls. Astarion had obliged in his usual flippant way. 

“Oh I might as well…reading here or reading in the forest. Makes no difference to me.” 

Yet…he is silently grateful for the peace this small glade provides. Finally, allowing him to think. All his emotions from the past few weeks swirling in his mind and making it near impossible to focus on the words before him despite still flipping the pages. 

Cazador is gone. Finally, dead and sent back to whatever hell awaits him. 

Astarion is free. Free from the man who tortured him - took his life from him. He should have no more worries. 

But…worries have been the main thing plaguing his thoughts since that fateful night in the mansion that was his prison. 

His eyes flick up to the druid above him, flashes of the way Halsin’s arms wrapped around him as Astarion cried out above Cazadors brutalized body flicking across his mind. Memories of a few nights later when Astarion finally found pleasure for himself with someone else instead of falling into his old manipulative ways. 

His eyes return to his books pages just as Halsin’s eyes start to flutter, always fearing his partner can read him better than he can understand himself sometimes. 

“I can almost hear the way your mind churns, Astarion,” Halsin says, voice gentle. “What troubles you?” 

Astarion can’t stop the way he falls into that all too familiar nonchalant manner. Despite having let his walls down ever so slowly with Halsin…the rubble is still there and hard to navigate at times. 

The vampire shrugs his shoulders, flipping a page of his book. “Why must something be troubling me?” He asks, answering a question with a question.

Halsin lets out a low hum, reaching up to tug the book down, clearing his view of the man in his lap. 

“I feel that I’ve come to know you’re heart just as much, if not better than my own,” the druid admits, lips turned downwards. “I only wish to lessen your burdens if I am able.” 

Astarions eyes tear away from deep pools of hazel, flitting off into the tree line before he lets out an exaggerated huff and moves to sit up. He tosses the book aside as he moves to straddle Halsin’s thighs, eyes avoiding his still as his hand comes up to gently take a honey colored braid between two fingers. 

“You’re braids are a mess,” Astarion deflects once more. “When was the last time you redid them?” 

Halsin smiles, an action Astarion notices holds a hint of fondness. “I haven’t touched them since the last time you braided them,” he reveals, eyes twinkling. 

Astarion lets out a quiet ‘tsk’ sound, fingers working to tug at the hair ties before working the first braid apart. “Well that just won’t do,” he says. “Can’t have you galavanting about looking like that.” 

A rumble of amused laughter leaves the other man, but he offers no protest as Astarion deftly undoes all the braids before combing through his hair and creating new ones. 

Silence is the only thing that fills the space between them, and soon Halsin’s eyes fall closed again as his hands come up to rest lightly on Astarions hips. He doesn’t do anything; doesn’t pull him closer or squeeze in a suggestive way. No, his hands just rest there, thumbs rubbing soothing patterns against the covered skin. 

Eventually, as Astraion is working on his third braid, he lets out a quiet sigh. Internally battling with himself as the words spill from his lips hesitantly. 

“I was thinking,” he says softly, words a mere whisper in the quote of the glade. “Thinking about everything that’s happened and what…What it means for the future. For…us.”

The last word is spoken so quietly, if Halsin were not an elf he wouldn’t have heard. Be he did, and Astarion stares fastidiously at the hair he works between his fingers, hating the weighted gaze that settles on his face. 

Astarion is a lot of things. But he is not a fool. He knows the way Halsin’s heart beats, the way he sees love as free flowing river, ever changing and swelling and drying up. 

In some ways Astarion feels the same, he’s never wanted the older elf to promise himself to him but…He’s also never thought too much about what would happen if he did leave. 

If at the end of all this, once the tadpoles are gone and the world is safe from the absolute, Halsin decides to leave…

It strikes a different kind of fear in Astarions heart. A fear that settles so deep in his chest it makes his heart ache and his throat close up. 

He meant it when he told Halsin he wanted something real. And real is what he’s gotten. 

Which makes everything so utterly terrifying and complicated.

That fear, that uncertainty, must show plainly on his face, because warm hands reach up to settle against his own, clasping his wrists in a gentle hold and stilling his work.

“What about those things is causing you so much grief, my heart?” Halsin asks, that familiar nickname tugging at something with Astarion. 

He looks up now, red eyes finally locking with hazel as he voices his worries. 

“I’ve never had the…luxury of thinking about the future,” he begins, fingers toying absently with Halsin’s hair. “But with Cazador gone I find my mind drifting there quite often since I…” He hesitates for a moment. “I meant what I said. When I told you I wanted something real. That I want you, and yet-“

“You find yourself turning to fears of what’s to come. Fear of the unknown,” Halsin supplies, hands squeezing his hips gently in his hands. 

“Yes, well, It’s hard not to when I actually have a future to worry about now that Cazador is-“ Astarion closes his eyes, frustration creeping up. “What if I can no longer bask in the sun when the tadpoles are gone? What if I'm once again made to spend the rest of my days in darkness or you-“ Astarion bites his tongue swallowing the rest of his words. 

He can’t voice them. He won’t. Because that would make them real. Tangible. He could very well speak his very fears into existence if they fall from his lips unguarded. 

A warm hand settled against his cheek, urging him to look at the man in front of him again. Halsin’s brow is furrowed, lips drawn tight as he silently encourages Astarion to continue. 

As per usual as of late, that look makes him do things he never thought he would. Astarion often jokes about how he hated Halsin’s ‘wounded puppy eyes’ but the insult always landed teasingly, usually followed by Astarion's compliance to whatever Halsin was asking of him. 

He grimaces, biting the inside of his cheek as his eyes fall away from his partners. 

Part of him hates it. He hates the way this druid has wormed his way into his dead heart. Hates the way he’s managed to slowly mend the cracks that fill his entire being. Part of him hates the way things are no longer…simple. 

But then…He doesn’t truly. He…He loves the parts of him he’s starting to find again. No longer having to rely on fear and manipulation to get what he wants but simply…having it because Halsin gives it freely. 

Finally, hesitantly, Astarion speaks. “What if you leave?” He asks, eyes still avoiding the druids. “Or what if you don’t? What if I’m stuck watching time take yet another thing away from me?” 

His throat constricts as the words fall into the silent afternoon air. The only response he receives right away being the gentle rustling of the leaves and grass around them and suddenly he feels foolish. 

He shakes his head, bitterness settling in his chest despite his best efforts to push the feelings away. 

“Forget I said anything,” he says harsher than he means to, leaning back and rushing to stand.

He just barely gets to his feet when a firm hand wraps around his wrist. Not tight enough to truly keep him in place, but beckoning. Asking him silently not to run as Halsin moves to join him on his feet. 

“Your fears are not something to run from, little star,” Halsin finally says, his voice soft. “I am happy to share your burdens, to help you in any way I can and in truth…” he trails off, reaching out to take Astarions other hand in his own. 

“I cannot pretend to know what the future holds for you. For us.” His words are honest and Astarion can’t help but appreciate the honesty and lack of false niceties. 

Yet again, Astarion feels a familiar calloused palm resting against his cheek, urging him towards his partner. 

“But I do know this; whatever is to come, I promise to stand by your side. Whether that be scouring the earth for a way for you to see the sun again or living in forests so thick the sun cannot reach us…I vow to stay by your side. If that is what you wish.” 

Slight irritation works its way into Astarion’s words as he looks up at the larger elf. “How are you always so…blissfully optimistic? It’s downright infuriating at times.” 

Halsin smiles down at the vampire, thumb brushing gently over his cheek. “Most people find my blind optimism refreshing.” 

Astarion rolls his eyes but still opens his mouth for a rebuttal. However, he’s cut off as Halsin leans down to press his lips to his own, the hand on his cheek sliding back to card through the hair at his nape. 

Despite the initial shock, Astarion melts into the kiss. It’s both firm and gentle at the same time, as if Halsin is trying to say ‘I understand your fears. But I’m here.’ 

Halsin is the first to pull away, but not before leaving one last kiss to Astarion’s cheek. 

“The future is full of unknowns. Neither of us know what tomorrow will bring, we can only deal with what comes as it does. Trust that I plan to be there for whatever happens.”

Trust. 

Such foreign concept to Astarion. He hasn’t been able to trust anyone in nearly two centuries. 

But now…Maybe he can start. 

His fears are still there, the lack of control he now seems to have over things still present in the back of his mind. But it’s quieter now, pushed away by Halsin’s soothing words for the time being. He knows they will come back, both new fears and the things that still haunt him but…

He won’t have to face them alone. 

Astarion sighs before leaning in to press a quick kiss to Halsin lips before tugging him back towards the tree. 

“Come on. I still have to finish your braids.” 

Halsin says nothing, simply smiling as he takes up his previous position sitting against the tree, eyes slipping closed once more as Astarion settles back onto his lap. 

He picks up his task effortlessly, the actions familiar as honey-colored locks slip through his fingers. 

Only when silence envelopes them in a comfortable blanket does Astarion speak up. 

“Thank you,” he says simply, eyes flitting briefly from his task to take in Halsin features.

His lips turn up in a grin, one eye peeking open before two arms come up to wrap Astarion in a comforting embrace, forcing another halt to his work. 

“Anything for you, my heart.” 

And for the first time, in a long time, Astarion lets himself be held and loved by someone who truly means it.