#aspoken

[yahyaea]

Hiiii, on my last live we decided to have writers submit pieces to be read & shared on my next live. If you wanna send some of your own or your favorite pieces by other writers (music, poetry, short stories etc) you can drop it in my inbox or you can find my email in the link in my bio!

I wanna credit the artists too so pls include your handle/name.

I’ll most likely hop on Wednesday night, but I’ll come back & update with the specific time!

I’ll be reading some of my pieces too:)

I promise this is a safe space because we’re all artists and sensitive about our shit okay😭💛

[frogspit02]

yo we havent aspoken in many months and im too awkward to befriend you again yo wassup how you livin man

jack is this u.......talk to me mystery friend

[yahyaea]

question for my writers, who do you write to?

is it a person, feelings, memories, yourself?

[yahyaea]

[yahyaea]

If you'd like to read the first chapter of my book Uncovered.

Here you go.

Thnx🫧💜🦋

Uncovered. Open Copy.01.docx

[yahyaea]

Said it a thousand times & I’ll say it once again: Projections are scary as fuck.

People will literally try to take you down whole paths based on their own projections of you.

If you’re not rooted in your own healthy mindset you literally cannot come around me. You will not get far.

[yahyaea]

to my writers, what’s a topic that’s been on your mind lately?

[yahyaea]

rule no.1 🦋

[yahyaea]

It’s beautiful watching someone fall in love.

[yahyaea]

[yahyaea]

took a step back and realized I was grateful for myself today. Have you ever felt that? Grateful that you have yourself? I felt it run through my body. Such a crazy feeling.

That’s all.

[yahyaea]

WAIT FOR IT.

Asking myself. Why do I even want an apology? When on both ends we know who fucked up over what. No one's hands are fully clean- even I can admit that. There's always their side, my side, and then the absolute truth. Maybe apologies are just validation. Am I asking for an apology for someone else to validate the hurt they've given me? Why when again- we both know. Why when I've already made the decision to leave the past in the past and to stop revisiting wounds that I've decided to let heal. Are they doing me a favor or a disservice to come and give me those words "I'm sorry."

What if it just pisses me off even more? What if it is just more gaslighting and they put their actions on me? Does an apology really help me? Who are they apologizing for me or for themselves? Because if it was for me then they'd have apologized when I expressed my hurt. But the ego doesn't allow you to feel like you've done anything wrong until you feel it. At that point, they're apologizing for themselves. To aid their own wounds and ease their own conscious- when I've already had to heal my own. Maybe apologies are just validation. For me to say it's okay and to ease their hurt. But I've been the person that apologizes. I've been the person that apologized when the hurt was expressed. I've been the person that hadn't out of ego, and my own pride. I've been the apology for my own validation. To know that someone I've wronged had forgiven me. But I know that's not fully what it is- validation- because you carry that shame with you until the day you decide to forgive yourself. And maybe you can't truly forgive yourself until you express that remorse. Until you learn that lesson. Until you stand on the other side knowing that you have grown from the person that you were when you gave someone else your hurt.

But do I want an apology? Maybe the apology wouldn't be for me. Maybe it's for someone else's ego. Maybe it's for their own wounds. Maybe it's for them to check it off a box. And even if maybe they carry that shame with them for years- what does that mean for me?

Have I forgiven? I don't know. I know that I only participated because I saw through the hurt. I think I've been awaiting an acknowledgment of that pain for years. For someone else to take it from me. So I wouldn't have to carry the burden alone. But even if I can do that own my own: Do I want an apology? Have I forgiven? I know that people can change- I've changed. That doesn't mean they can continue in my life. When you apologize how do you know you're genuinely forgiven even if someone gives that to you? I think there will always be a voice in the back of your head wondering is it true? How can they? What I did was horrible. Would I forgive myself?

If I were you; would I forgive myself? I think I'd fight my hardest to find a way to forgive myself. To know that I'm not that person anymore. Is that not what I've made of my life these past 5 years?

I think I would like an apology. Maybe it eases my own wounds. Maybe it validates my experience. Maybe it's just a simple acknowledgment that I fucked up and I'm sorry and I might wish to take it all back, but we can't go back and rewrite the past. We can't sit here and continue to wish, hope, and pray for things to have gone differently. Even if I've given someone my hurt- I've been intentional in the repair of them and myself. I know I'm not that person anymore. I know my inner child might feel better to say sorry. To hear I'm sorry. To know that you know that you hurt me and it wasn't right and you know it wasn't. To know that I don't have to sit with this all by myself anymore.

I'd forgive myself and I'd forgive you- even if it's just the beginning of that forgiveness process that we both have to go down. I'd forgive, because I know one day it won't be anything other than a lesson I look back on that I'll share with my future kids. To see the value of themselves, their character, and forgiveness.

I'd like an apology and I'm not ashamed to say that, but I'm not waiting on it.

[yahyaea]

second chances.

The hardest thing I didn’t do was stand up for myself.

I let my inner child down so much when all she did was yell the truth we both felt.

The hardest thing I didn’t do was to validate her and make her feel safe.

I didn’t show her I loved her and that’s truly my mistake.

I was never shown how to put her first and show her she’s my only priority.

I hope one day she forgives me & not because I make all her dreams reality.

But I know she’s made of love and she’ll be proud to see me fight.

So I work on forgiving myself until I get it right.

[yahyaea]

I don’t have a title I was just thinking through words

I hang it up next to my coat and wet umbrella, because I don’t let myself off the hook.

I sit with my shadow covering my face and I force myself to look.

I speak before I think sometimes and I find my footsteps faltering backwards.

I’d like to think I’m immune to impulsivities until that following moment after.

But that’s the thing about illusions, it’s simple silhouettes of preferences in the dark.

I run those moments back in my mind aching for a chance to restart.

Hello, my name is Liable, to the first chance to get this right.

Impress upon myself the highest viewpoint, the highest timeline and the highest light.

I broke a dish reaching for a cycle trying to finally lay it peacefully to rest.

I enacted chaos through the barrel when the trigger was put to the test.

Dove deeper into darkness and stayed a day until I created the light.

I did it out of love and never to myself would there be a thought of spite.

Well, never again since I clawed my way out of that chamber the world put me in.

Then, I found union in myself and declared in truth to be my own twin.

But I still stumbled in time like languages have previously failed and I know it’s far from me.

I’ll remove myself from the hook when the clock calls me down inevitably.

A reformed casualty in the game of growing up- I think I’d like to be at the end by now.

I’ll go blue in the face preaching honesties and reciting ancestral traditions that will eventually lead me out.

[yahyaea]

Severed

I left the work that drained me daily,

Cut habits that took more than gave.

I emptied out my cluttered drawers

& removed stains from the rug so my feet could carry me to you.

Patiently waiting for the voice to arise that will leave you out in the cold-

As you’ve done to me time and time again.

My intention is focused on my heart, so free she needs protection;

So open she pours into a world that couldn’t care less than to leave her bare.

I’m wondering if you too took stock of your life and ran to the chopping block.

Did your work leave you depleted?

What habits had to go?

Were your drawers a mess?

How did you remove your stains to walk away and decide there wasn’t enough cleansing in the world that could clear me from your conscious-

So instead you cut me from your life.

Even though your eyes lie every moment they grace mine-

Don’t forget that my soul shares the same imprint as yours.

If we’re counting what serves us & proceeding as such;

Then this wasn’t the right season for the truth to reach us.

There’s no more draining & no bad habits.

The drawers are neat & the stains never were.

This was the last lifetime,

To learn to pick each other to serve.

[yahyaea]

R eached out to touch a piece of the sky even when my foot got caught for a moment or two.

E ach time I found another ledge to hold onto, another way to make it to the next.

S tagnancy rang like a bell so I stood atop to silence the noise.

I nnerstand the roots, see how they connect, feel your faith and don’t let go;

L ook towards the signals that question where I’ve been told to walk, since it never really worked out for me anyway…

I nstead I cut up carpets, tore towers down and rebuilt them again-I’ve been known for a taste of chaos from time to time, but,

E gomania has no home here when the finish line refused to support its weight in the first place.

N ot a place to lie down and allow the worst of surprises to come to you, but did I listen? No.

C atch it before the opportunity passes you by- I thought your fire burned brighter than so.

E ven in the middle of the night you’re still plotting ways to make it to the greenery-

I admire that about you.