#ask asexualspectrumspector

[asexualspectrumspector]

Hey, so uhh... I'm a heteroromantic graysexual and... Where do I exactly belong? I don't think I'm that straight but like, my gay friend basically told me that heteroromantic aces don't belong in the LGBT community. Where am i belonging, exactly? I'm having a hard time finding out and I really, really need help. Thank you so much, if you do answer.

Your gay friend is wrong.

Heteroromantic aces DO belong in the LGBT community and for many years now, there has been a lot of gatekeepers telling them to go away.  Well, I’m here to be a battering ram for you and knock them all down!  You belong in the LGBT community!  You belong in the ace community!  And I welcome you with open arms!  Stop by the ace cake stand, they’re delicious!

[ace-and-aro-support-group]

Hi! I'm the anon who sent the Ask about my fashion of track pants & t-shirts being critiqued as "lesbian". I was very pissed off at the time, and I worry that I came off as incoherent. I simply dislike being mislabelled, even though I don't have "not interested" scrawled over my face. I actually also sent this to @asexualspectrumspector, albeit more coherently. Hope you don't mind! Love and cuddles - super aro anon

Oh no I totally understood, I actually relate as well. You can always express your feelings here 💚-Kass

[sapphicsinthecloset]

Ace blogs for the anon that asked for them: ace-asks, askanace, asexualitydragon, asexualspectrumspector, asexual-pride, and aspecsafespace

^^^^^^

[bored-and-alone-among-the-s-blog]

Sorry for tagging all of you here but I need a little help: after this post on my blog you'll find a chat called "discussion with my mother" I wanted to tag all of you there but tumblr doesn't let me do that. I wanted to ask you why you think she answered like that. I tried to ask her why but all she answered has been "it's just like this honey" and "it's normal, everyone is like this don't believe otherwise" So... ?!?!????????? @acearofacts @asexual-society @asexualmoments @asexualspectrumspector @acemeetup @aceenough @ace-demi I am not asking to all of you a deep and comicated analysis of the situation, but I have followed you for a long time and I trust you about the matter. I just need some ideas, some comments about it. Tag who you want ask to other people I am open to receive an opinion from whoever you trust too. I am so sorry to bothering you, and thanks for your help :)

[asexualspectrumspector]

This is a question I've been curious about. Arousal to porn and/or erotica, and maturating.While I don't agree with them, the majority of sexuals will say "no you're sexual and feel sexual attraction". Some people suggest aces may be aroused due to the suggestion of sexual pleasure or the act, not people, is what arouses them, even if sex repulsed. Is this just sexuals assuming that arousal means attraction, even if it's bullshit?

You hit the nail on the head!

People who experience sexual attraction have a VERY difficult time differentiating between sexual arousal, libido, and sexual attraction.  Some asexuals, including myself, do experience arousal to stimuli.  However that doesn’t make them suddenly not asexual.  In fact, there’s a word for this.  It’s aegosexuality.  Basically it means someone who is disconnected between themselves and the sources of their arousal.  Really this can go along with any sexuality, but happens more often with asexuality.  

[asexualspectrumspector]

I hate to ask cause it’s a bit awkward for me but, do you know any terms for someone who experiences sexual attraction but would NEVER want to actually act on them what so ever?

Hmm, lithsexuality comes to mind with this.

Basically it’s someone who experiences sexual attraction, but does not want it reciprocated or acted upon.  It is considered to be under the ace umbrella of asexual orientations.  It even has it’s own flag! 

[asexualspectrumspector]

i think i get what “oriented” means but what’s “angled”?

Hey Anon,

Um.... I feel like I need context to fully answer this question.  However my guess would be that if someone is “angled” a certain way, that means they feel a connection to it, but may not necessarily fully identify with it.

If anyone knows better, feel free to chime in.

[asexualspectrumspector]

I'm a (sex-repulsed) biromantic asexual and I've never been in a relationship (even though I've liked plenty of people romantically). I'm scared that when I finally date someone and I tell them that I'm also asexual they'll end up cheating on me and having sex with someone else.

Honestly Anon, this is something that needs to be a conversation between you and your partner.  If this is something that bothers you, I would encourage you to hold an open and honest conversation about it with them, once you do come out to them.  Communication is the only way for them to know what’s bothering you and for you to fix it together.

On a side note, if they do cheat on you because you are sex-repulsed, then get rid of them because they obviously don’t respect you.

[asexualspectrumspector]

Hey I asked this to a different ace-count (been a few days and no answer) but can aro’s be the same way aces are like romance favorable neutral or repulsed? And if so could a romance favorable Aro also have a preference so also be Bi or gay? I’m trying to figure out if I’m Ace-Aro

I don't see why not? Basically the whole thing is a spectrum and we all occupy unique little spaces on it.

Also, personal note, I had this same question when looking into my own aro-aceness. It's a difficult thing to research and involved a lot of introspection.

[asexualspectrumspector]

Hi. I'm really confused. I recently learned about aegosexuality and it was a big "hey that sounds like me" moment! But, I'm torn between whether the reason I don't like intimacy is asexuality or anxiety. You're most likely not a therapist but I don't know where else to ask this where I can get an honest, informed answer. Basically, how am I supposed to know if I'm asexual?

You are correct, I am not a therapist at all, lol, but I have answered quite a few questions similar to this.

When confronted with a situation like this, go with what your heart is telling you.  Anxiety or not, people who don’t experience sexual attraction are asexual.  Whether that is caused by anxiety, depression, or something else entirely does not matter.  If what you’re reading about asexuality or aegosexuality feels right, then it is you.

And if later down the road you feel like it doesn’t fit you anymore, that’s okay too!  That’s the beauty of the human condition, we’re always changing and evolving and sometimes our labels change and evolve with us.

[asexualspectrumspector]

I’m extremely anxious in social situations and never wanted to make out or have sex with anyone, I’ve had crushes on people I knew from school but I can’t remember if I actually had these crushes or if I was just saying that to fit in. I masturbate often and enjoy it but never felt the want or need to do it with other people but the idea of doing it with a girlfriend is really cool I never had one and am a virgin but the idea of making someone orgasm is really enticing for me I’ve roleplayed before and it felt great when the other person said I was good I even liked knowing they where masturbating with it when they told me but if they didn’t like it I wasn’t really interested. I really want a girlfriend and find the female form incredibly beautiful, I want a family and kids but when I listen to people talking about their asexuality it really resonates with me and I find myself changing from considering me as hetero and ace. How do I know if I’m ace or if I’m just socially awkward or really romantic I don’t really value my virginity so it’s not like I’m keeping myself pure until I find “the one” so maybe super romantic isn’t right. I hate not understanding how I feel and really want to just have a community to call mine but I already have enough of an imposter syndrome and don’t want to be in a community I don’t really belong. I know sexuality is a spectrum and you can’t tell me what I am or aren’t but I really need the opinion of someone who has been in this community longer

As we say up here in the upper-midwest, oofda!

Well, to start off, I do want to reassure you that I have been in the ace community for quite a while now, since 2013.   So I’ve been around the block a few times between my own research and people asking me everything on their mind.  That being said, let’s get into your situation!  (just a side note: I am just a normal 30-something with no qualifications beyond the BA in writing I earned 11 years ago)

Okay, so being ace and being socially awkward are not mutually exclusive.  Good news, you can be BOTH! haha!  But no really, it’s not uncommon at all.  Many aces tend a little (or a lot sometimes) towards social awkwardness, especially as we get older because we just haven’t had the same experiences (sexually/romantically/etc.) that others have, and that plays a large role according to our society.

Asexuals can also be romantic though, and want their partners to feel good.  Some can take great pleasure in knowing that their partner is feeling good or sexually satisfied or just happy.  This is actually a sub-category of asexuality under the ace umbrella called placiosexual.  It’s a term used for people who don’t feel the need to receive sexual acts, but enjoys performing them on someone else.  It can be tacked onto any sexuality, but is often associated with aces.  It even has it’s own flag!

To finish up, asexuality is an enormous spectrum of individuals, and if you feel connected to it in some way, then you belong.  Welcome!

[asexualspectrumspector]

Is there an aspec term that means you can't experience sexual attraction because of dysphoria? i think i seen it somewhere before but i forgot the term. thank u!

hmm, I’m actually not sure about this one.  I just went through all of my notes about different ace umbrella identities and couldn’t find one specific to this.  That does not mean it doesn’t exist though!  I’ll keep searching, but if anyone else in the community has something to contribute, feel free to respond to this!

[asexualspectrumspector]

Hi! I realised I was ace when I was around 19, and aro when I was around 21. Now I'm 27 and I've grown quite comfortable with the identity, in fact I'm quite proud of it. However, I am a virgin and idk if it's the stigma associated with it or what, but sometimes it does bother me. I am generally kinda sex repulsed but I am also curious to try sex at least once, I just don't know how it could happen at this point if I don't want to sleep with a stranger (1/2)

(cont.) Given that I'm also aro (or arospec) I figure that if I go back into dating it would be with someone who shares my identities but then I worry that they won't want to even try having sex. I don't really have a question, I just sort of wanted to get it off my chest. I always see aroace people who either hate their identity or are so sure they never want to have sex and ig I just don't know why the idea that I may never have sex bothers me so much. I just don't want to miss out on anything (2/2)

______________________________________

Hi Anon, I can understand your sentiment.  I discovered I was ace at age 25 and aro at age 26 (I’m 33 now).  But up until that time, I seriously thought there was something wrong with me because I didn’t want sex.  I longed for a close connection with another person, but had a difficult time doing that given how I felt about sex and romance.  It took me a long time to figure out exactly what a relationship would look like for me, and even then, I didn’t really feel the need to go out and get into one.

Sorry for the ramble.  I just wanted to say that I feel ya and to not give up if sex is something you do want to experience.  It may come along in an unexpected way.

[asexualspectrumspector]

hi!! i recently figured out that i’m asexual, but i feel like people will say that i’m too young or they won’t believe me. I also don’t know if i’m obligated to call myself part of the LGBT community because i’m scared of people saying that i’m not (aphobia). is there anyway i could feel more confident about my asexuality?

It always gets me how people say someone can be “too young” to decide if they’re asexual.  I mean, Karen over here is already talking about how her five year old son Billy is in love with the neighbor’s daughter!  Maybe Billy likes Tommy instead, Karen!  Huh?  Think of that?

Sorry.... got carried away.  Anyway, my point is that straight people have no problem assuming that someone else, even very young someones who are definitely not thinking of romance yet, is straight, but get really defensive and say a person is “too young” to decide if they’re anything else.  What you know in your heart to be true is what matters though.  And if later on down the road that changes?  That’s okay too!  People go through changes!  Personally, I thought I was straight all through school and college.  Went back to college a second time thinking I was bi... then gay... then asexual.  Everyone has their own journey.

As for feeling more confident in your asexuality, my recommendation is to find other aces to talk to about it.  Sharing your experiences and listening to theirs could help you feel more secure in your asexuality.  You can always find people to message with here on tumblr or check out other places.  I know facebook has a few ace groups (I’m a member of a couple), and there’s also the forums on AVEN.  Check it out and see what you think!

And feel free to come back here and ask more questions or just send me a PM.

[asexualspectrumspector]

hello!! i am gray ace with ace leaning, but still have attraction to same gender. is there any term you may be aware of, that i can use to describe it, that is shorter, but conveys it? i can't really use "gray lesbian" since i am biromantic, and homograyace sunds a little confusing. thanks in advance!!

Hmm, I’m sorry to say, but I don’t think there is a shorter way to describe it that would encompass all of what you’ve described.  “Biro-gray lesbian” would be the closest, but even then it’s longer and the person you’re talking to would have to know what all of it means.

Sorry I couldn’t help you more!

[asexualspectrumspector]

I’ve been questioning nu sexuality for two years now (I’m 23) bc the first time I discovered the term asexuality I related a lot but I keep thinking that maybe I’m not ace bc I had a couple of casual flings before and kinda? enjoyed it (drunk hookups was a way for me to feel in control about my life at that time) I feel way more comfy with myself and better after I stopped having sex altogether. Could I really be ace or am I just overthinking? Maybe sex favourable? Sex is so complicated oof

You could definitely be ace!

Aces can like having sex.  Aces can be sex favorable, as you pointed out.

If you feel that asexuality best describes how you’re feeling, then odds are you’re ace.  And if that changes later?  That’s okay too!  You’re welcome as long as you want!