#as you know im like always in crisis but ive been holding onto these messages in my heart

[fobnsfwdoodlesbackup]

the gerard post was AMAZING im just saying maybe you should expand from just members of fob 👀 diversify the portfolio if you will

Oh there will be plenty more MCR/Gerard in the future I'm sure 🤭 even though this blog centers on fob I'm happy to draw other bandom! And with them doing a tour next year I'm sure I'm gonna go insaaaaaane about them 🤭

I only ask that if y'all send in MCR requests just try to be specific with them or provide references since I still have a lot to learn about them :3

Also I saw a picture of Gerard that looks kinda like this. Also I predict that Frank will be my favorite, but Gerard brings a lot of cool drawing opportunities!

[re-bee-key]

Shit dude... im having an existential crisis

I couldnt remember some stuff so i started writing out a timeline of my life. To see what i could remember.

Most of it is so hazy. But specifically when i started college and my depression started getting really bad,

i can hardly remember most of the last 10.. no..shit.. 13 years

The past 7 specifically are super hard to pin down. And last year i think ive forgotten basically all of it.

I feel like im losing more and more of myself. I havnt worked much and dont see many people or even really leave my room. And its been that way my whole life but has gotten so bad

I feel angry and sad like all the time. And frustrated and bored and hopeless

I have like no friends.

And the few people that i could maybe call friends dont talk to me. Even if i reach out. Or they just choose to take months to reply to a small message.

Slowly i have ruined my life

And feel like my body is riddled with worm holes of each bad choice

I feel hollow

But also bursting

Every emotion spilling through the holes like uncontrollable geysers

Its hard to imagine things getting better

And the state of the world is so scary and the world is getting hotter

I know im supposed to hold onto hope. Thats the only way to even move towards getting better. You have to work for it.

But its so hard. And Im always in pain. And now I realize I can barely remember my life and its like im losing pieces of myself everyday

I dont even know who I am anymore

Im glad I have therapy on Tuesday. Cause god, how am i supposed to want to be alive

[princesspuddle]

im.nervous about tomorrow, i feel sick and sad and idk what to say tomorrow :(( no body to tell, ask, brainstorm or anything, i wish i could tell people but it just feels pointless and like weight on people. While im happy to keep it to myself im also unhappy to. I read back my old letter today and in the note section about who to go to when i need help was a name i can no longer go to help/talk to for and it made me laugh a bit, i also told them if im ever in a crisis he is the only one they can contact that i trust. And this was less that 6 months ago.. im just trying to think of my future self and that what im feelikg right now, going through and healing is all so i can be completely finenin the future.

The only times it crosses my mind is the small things id be doing in the day where id probably message him what im up to.. other than that i feel like nothings changed.. its almost more sad this way because im trying to think of how the relationship was actuallu adding anything different to my life..

Im struggling with getting tasks done right now.. the same as in the relationship

Im not getting physical attention.. i wasnt in the relationship either..

Im not inspired to be healthier in my food/excersise.. i wasnt in the relationship either

Im not super encouraged to attain personal and futute goals.. i wasnt in the relationship either.. or it felt more like that was a cursed topic.

I dont feel majorly unwanted because i didnt feel super wanted in the relationship either.. if anything, this is more uspetting me writting this right now. What has changed? I feel the same, better, most days. Now i am just having to be self reliant, like i always was. But with less depressive feelings of being in a co-partnership and not being equal supported.

It was hard and draining.. i feel like i was always giving and giving and it was being taken and taken at no consideration of my expense. Im proud of myseld because i did ALL of that and still was strong enough to push myself as well. I felt like a duplicated mother and not a girlfriend, bringing meals to his lap, asking if hes saved money, planning what we do...there wasnt much in it for me, just being taken from all the time and for the most part didnt get appreciation either.., i feel like i was the one to tell him everything, he never asked about my finances, savings together for holidays or life, even working on my website, he never asked to see, only when i completed it and showed him. My uni grades, mental state, if im eating fruit.. i get it if i was too much sometimes, but at least you had me there for you in all capacities of your life, i was truly trying to look out for you everywhere, to help everywhere, personal progress, physical health, mental health, finance, living, future plans, dates, long distance dates, calls, texts, plans when in person, fixing your forgetfulness, fixing your lateness, EVERYTHING

Im angry because if i had recieved equal and mutual support, i feel like i would have been more amazing than what ive tried already, but even now im still only dipping my toes in things, and im.imagining the feeling of being inspired by a partner, the boost in life it would give me, not having everyhting be so serious, laughing at mistakes together, taking a plunge together, and the feeling of that person trying their hardest to get themselves to a situation where they could access me easier, both of us.. even after saying you were hopeful for our future and i mentioned how id need to live close to someone, you kicked off at me and wouldnt dare consider looking outside of the city.. it hurt because i wasnt TELLING you what to do. I hoped that you would understand ina relationship you would wwnt to be close to the person.

I felt like you were just waiting for me to do everything.. i didnt feel like you were even considering the thought of living with me after my 3rd year because it would be easier for you to wait until ive figured it out and plan it. I kept thinking as soon as i finish id be the one looking for flats and trying to scramble it together so we can be close, while he sits and just lets me do 90% of the work. That vision used to make me so upset that i just wanted to grab onto any thread of feeling he would give me that he wants to live with me soon, more than a 'yes i do'.. but everytime i wanted to talk about it there came a sigh, a hastle, a tone of voice that made it sound like such a huge dent in the evening, that it was always a 'Yess YESS I GET IT' and always put off.. the time was coming really soon and i was so thinly holding onto the idea that living with me would make him see life with me differently, and it took so much for me to emotionally bear with the fact that this person could barely show an interest in any aspect of a mature life together. This person that would say they love me and truly feel connected with me and in every card would write how we would always be together.. sighed and left the conversation everytime i wanted to chat about it. I was ready to move onto the next chapter of my life with you, and while.i know you were having it rough and going through things and wanted to figure things out. I didnt see you wanting to make effort for you or me, i was in limbo on my future, i was ready to adjust and put things aside and compromise for a relationship as you should. But i was so scared of these compromises i was making at the expense of myself, for someone who wasnt making any for me.. i dont know when this started happening... i dont know if this just is your personality and i was invested in what i thought would fit for me, but it feels like all of this is because of university. That the year you left, it all went downhill, innmy eyes became severely depressed, addicted to videogames and numb to a lot of the world including me. Events happened in your life after that and it piled on top until yoi just shut off everything. I wanted to support you throigh it and im so sorry these things happened.. i know i could have dome better for you but i had to keep myself up too and i was so prepared to do that for a long while to see you get better, i was still ready until the night we split. I have spent time thinking if he finished uni would it all be different? Would he be in a job he loves? Would he have gone straight into moving out getting a car and us being happier straight away? Im confused as to if all this time i was just tryint to squeeze you into someone who would be a suitable match for me, or if you really were just having a rough time and will be happy and everything i could have wanted once you feel better and are no longer suffering?

I dont think you ever told me what you want.. i feel like from the beginning you always knew i was adventurous and a big dreamer, but you never opposed to those things or made it seem like its not the life you want, but if in fact you only dream of having a decent job, not living far from home with a few holiday a year, a small family and a homey wife then why wouldnt you make thay clear to me sooner? You never said that either so how would i know if i was pushing you too far.. even to this day i dont know what he wants.. my biggest dilemma is "hes unhappy right now and thats why he is the way he is about us, or its just the way he is and hes unhappy because im pushing my vision of us too far"

The biggest thing that hurt was the feeling of how much of a struggle it felt like to talk about living together.. thay our dream since we started dating was to be with eachoyher fulley one day.. and we got so close and i no longer felt you wanted that.. it just felt like we had been building up to this moment, part reason i came 5 hrs away from home yo uni was so i could be at one closer to you, but the uninterested tone in your voice when regards to you moving slightly out of your comfort zone to be with me hurt so weirdly like id never expect... it hurt because i keep wondering how you were going to move and live in japan for the most part of a year, but with me a bit further than your city.. its too much.. :((

[marcellaisnotme]

to everyone.

to all the amazing people that light up my 2019, let's continue our journey to 2020. 2019 has been pretty amazing to me than last year and i'm rather excited for what's going to come on 2020. its a bit frightening but at the same time i'm ready to face it.

i'm dedicating each of you who got this page a personal message <3

let me start it with my loving Ren ♡ we met not that long ago but long enough for me to call you a special friend. i love hanging out with you, i love ranting everything to you cause you're a really good listener, advisor and most importantly a really great sidekick. okno. you know what to say to make me feel better and i admire that you can think of so much in a short amount of time. the way you handle everything is very responsible and careful, i look up to you alot. let's be more closer and share more stupid shitposts (RED VELVET PLSSS). i love you!!

Jason ♡ we known each other for a very long time but we always been pretty close to each other, but sometimes we don't talk and we argue that one time. and you went missing too but when you came back i was really excited. you were really funny and entertaining. just what i need, just what i wanted. we have a love hate relationship and we never get tired of each other and buuuu-ing each other everytime. okno. you are special to me and i cant find another jason to replace. thanks for being such a great friend. i love you!!

Juan ♡ my favorite movie partner and cuddle buddy <3 the one that would always tell stupid jokes which myself find it really funny even when it's pretty dumb. the one who never get tired of me punching you in the arm. okno. i wanna spend more time watching movies with you cause i personally hate watching movies cause i'm a book person. but when i watch it with you and hear you explaining to me everything made me love movies. pstt. only when i watch it with you <3 HAHAHA let's do more movie dates next time juan, because movies are not watch worthy without you. okno. i love you!!!

bwi ♡ as much as i find you pretty annoying and such a coward but i really know how it takes courage to do something. i know how does it feel when you feel like doing something. but it's find. i dont judge you for it ok? i was just messing around with you cause your reaction is always funny i dont wanna miss it. OKNO. if you havent moved on completely, it's fine. it takes time to heal and takes time to grow. i hope you have a better life and be happy in 2020. i love you!!

Belle ♡ SINCE YOU'RE A GIRL NOW IMMA CALL YOU BELLE. okno you were a guy when we first met and first dated. okno. i can't believe we made it till today even when we dont talk that much these days. i just want you to know even when i'm very very very annoying and stoopid but i am really thankful that you were always there listening to my probs and teas :(( i'm so dramatic. wipes non existent tears. okno. be less busy so that i can kacau you more :(( i love you!!

Kitty Kou ♡ my wife :(( my husband soulmate boyfriend girlfriend my everything :(( screams i miss you so much we're not talking much this days are you THAT busy gimme attention bich :(( okno. i'm glad that you are fine now (i can see and feel it) also i dont want you to be sad no more cause you dont deserve to be :(( i'll karate anyone that tries to mess with you i swear >:( i love you soooo much you're my fav bestie ever you listen to me and play along with me cause thats what soulmates do :(( dont ever leave my side or i'm gonna tie u to me so that you wont escape HAH take that :(( i love you bb♡

Qhal ♡ you stick up to me since day-1 and thats what i love about you. you grew into a better person, you were so much braver and bolder plus happier these days and i've never been so proud of you. i hope your happiness last till next year and the following and forever. every day is a new day. you dont have to close old books and open new ones. you dont have to be someone you're not and importantly, you dont have to do things for anyone else. yourself is your top priority and always remember that you're just as important. seeing you happy makes me happy. we've been friends for god knows how long and you never left my side, ever. you're always a special friend to me. you're always in my heart. i love you!!

Irwin ♡ not gonna deny you're always there for me when i'm in an existential crisis. okno. you're such a fun and funny person to talk with. i always enjoyed talking to you because you could make and awkward situation lively with your randomness. you radiate great and positive energy that anyone around you feel better. you make me feel better when i'm sad. i hope you and jade last looooooooooong enough just like how long we've known each other. i love you!!

Tian ♡ i love talking to you and randomly being stupid with you and jason. i love how we click with each other that much it's like we're siblings. rough things happened but let's all forget about it. i hope for you happiness as you were always sad about a certain someone. it's fine to think about it. it's fine to hold onto it. cause the longer you hold on, the easier it will go away when it gets old. you should really reveal your cute daughter to everyone. cause i miss her and everyone needs to see her <3 she's amazing just like you. i love you!!

Cosmo ♡ as long as we known each other, you were the brightest person and the easiest to get along with. you always know what to do and put your heart in everything you do. i dont like seeing you being sad or depressed anymore because you weren't like that when we first met. always surround yourself with happy stuff >> me. and do things you wanna do that makes you happy. you will always be my cosmo, and i'll always be your wanda♡. i love you!!

Junguan ♡ hi bestie how u doin. okno. i am glad that you're always happy, always problem free. thanks for listening to my problems, thanks for being a great friend. i have a great laugh and a great time with you always. your reaction to my stupidness and sarcasm was always funny i'm not gonna lie. you're always the one that i believe would keep everything i tell you a secret. you're such an awesome person and a great friend. i love you !!

Xie/ Axel ♡ you're a really interesting person to talk to. aside from our past relationship. you're a really strong and a great person. you're someone that doesn't give up on anything you do and i really adore you for that. you make everything seem so funny to me idk why oKNO. but except for our snapstreak, we dont really talk mUCH. did you moveD or are you just busY cause u krik krik im thinking twice about softblocking you. okno. talk to me bitch. i love you!!

marcell/shaq ♡ you change your name to match mine cause you like me eh?? buuu. okno. you were always someone i trusted because you're responsible of doing your job and you're someone nice to talk to i mean not nice nice because you're mean but nice by i can have a conversation with you and talk about random stuff without letting it die because i'm funny and you're lame okno. let other judge your outer and let yourself know your inner. jangan jadi noob for 2020. okno. i love you!!

Eric ♡ my stupid bun. my ride or die. ew. these two years 18/19 has been pretty rough for the both of us and i think it's just a step and a lesson to grow into a better person. you helped me alot through this year and i'm never less thankful for that. the loving things you do for me, the things you would let it slide when it comes to me. your soft spot for me never goes away huh HAH and i'm taking advantage of that. okno i'm kidding. you are a big help for me and for what i went through. you never said no. you always agree on everything and i really appreciate it. when we broke up last year, you still insisted to talk to me. which i find out really annoying. just kidding. i'll let everything slide since you do that to me too. you're a really great person, amazing let me tell you. thanks for being a great friend to me. thanks for helping me out with almost everything. i owe you big time. i love you!!

harry ♡ first of all,  thank you for being a great bestie, we would always talk to each other everyday but you got busy these days :(( but yey, its almost a decade since ive known you, kyak. we met when we were in kbb. you were d__, kyak, smpipol 💕 i feel so giddy giddy all of a sudden lololol. and then we started exchanging contacts, you were first harry, on fl.  and then we had this, nOOt squad gTG. im nunmul-ing.  why is this suddenly a throwback session.  and and and then theres trisha gosh i love trisha and you too. i adore you for being such an honest person, when it comes to telling your problems to us, which is something i cant really do. if you have problems, dont hesitate to tell us, though i dont really help much eheh. but sometimes there are things that arent meant to be said. its okay, theres nothing wrong feeling sad, feeling all those negative feelings. we are human too, we have feelings. it is okay to sometimes not be okay, it is okay. but other than that, be happy with those you are surrounded with. youre someone that worth a big hug.  i hope you spent your day with those you love 💕 i hope youre having a good day. youre an amazingly talented person. i hope youd achieve your dream soon, i pray for your health, and for you to surrounded by lovely people. you're such a talented person and gosh, your drawings for the fashion week, cries. chef kisses momma!!! you should update me on your life more because i wanna know what you do and support you on everything you do. don't forget me anyways :(( because you're the only realest annoying brutally honest bitch i love :(( i love you!! 

thanks for an amazing 2019, lets get closer in 2020. i love you guys. ♡

[chuuyaaf]

Hey~ ive been feeling really shitty these passed few weeks and i dont know where to release all these frustrations. Wherever i am all i feel is stress that it's overwhelming. Not to mention im still struggling with depression and anxiety. So how about a scenario with dazai and chuuya where their s/o was experiencing the same shit as mine and it has become extremely unbearable that they tried to hurt themselves and/or attempt to end their life. More power to your blog~

I already wrote something similar for Dazai here.

TW: mentions of self harm/suicide attempt

As a mental health advocate, I always feel necessary to offer resources and help for anyone that feels like they need it. I know it sucks. I know that it feels like there’s no one out there who truly understands what you’re going through. And while every person’s situation is unique, there are people out there who can help you or at least listen to you. Your feelings and your problems are all valid. No matter how bad it gets, you are worth it and you are worth helping. Sometimes, it seems impossible to find a reason to live. Hell, I don’t even have one at the moment. But sometimes just holding on to whatever little hope you have left is enough to lead you towards finding that reason to survive. 

I know that listening to some stranger on the internet does little in terms of helping, so I’ve also compiled a list of resources for you and anyone else that feels like they need it

BetterHelp - This is an online therapy service. I don’t recommend it for anyone seeking long-term therapy, but instead for people who either aren’t sure whether they need/want therapy or people that need help finding better options in their area. The first week is free, so it’s a good place to get more information.

Crisis Hotline - You might be skeptical, but these people are trained to talk anyone through a crisis. 

National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) - I’m personally on the campus branch of this organization and I highly recommend it if you want a support group or to learn more about mental illness in general. They also offer plenty of resources for those that need it.

National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA) - I’ll be promoting this on my personal blog later this weekend with more information~

There’s a lot more resources out there, but these are the only ones I can think off of the top of my head. Message me for more information!

~Admin Kat

Being in the Port Mafia was no easy task. You were constantly around death and any sort of insolence as a subordinate was treated with extreme prejudice. 

In your eyes, you didn’t really have any reason to be the way you were. You were in a relationship with one of the top executives, Nakahara Chuuya. He doted on you day in and day out and made sure that you knew that you were loved. But you just didn’t believe it.

Who were you to deserve all of that? You were a killer and nothing but a killer. You weren’t a lover. You were a ruthless, brutal, and merciless murderer and that’s what you always will be. 

Why did a murderer deserve to live?

Did someone who constantly took lives deserve the right to live?

You sure didn’t think so. 

Nothing could release the pain. Not the slits on your wrists nor the blood on your hands. You always felt that hole in your heart grow wider and wider until you couldn’t breathe. 

You held yourself against the rail of the bridge, looking at the rushing water beneath you. The entire way here, you couldn’t bring yourself to cry, yet as soon as you climbed over onto the wrong side of the bridge, you felt your tears pool over. 

“I’m sorry...” you mumbled as you let yourself go.

But nothing happened.

“...As you should be,” a low, angry voice spoke. 

You opened your eyes and saw that you were still in the same position despite no longer holding on. Your heart dropped and filled to the brim with guilt as you turned and saw a certain red-headed mafia executive looking at you with a look of absolutely betrayal in his eyes.

“...Chuuya...” you said as your lips quivered.

He used his abilities to lift you back over to the safe side of the bridge. 

He didn’t speak to you again until you got back to your shared home. 

“Chuuya, please talk to me,” you said, unable to handle your own guilt.

“Why?” he said lowly, his back to you. 

“I...I couldn’t...I didn’t...”

“Didn’t what?” He turned back to you. “You didn’t want this life? Did you really hate everything around you so much that you were willing to leave everything behind?! Do you know how much it would have destroyed me if I hadn’t found you?!” 

Chuuya’s anger only sparked yours. “Destroy you? Destroy you?! Do you know how much living in this shithole of an organization completely destroys me?! Do not guilt me about this, Nakahara.” You sighed and tried to hold back the tears. “Is it wrong of me to not want to live a life as a killer? Is it wrong of me to want something else?” 

Chuuya calmed down and stepped closer to you, placing his gloved hand on your cheek. “_____, you can’t have something else if you’re dead...”

You shuddered against his embrace and shut your eyes, letting the tears flow. “But I can’t have it...Because a killer can’t live that life-”

Chuuya pulled you into a tight hug, letting your head rest against his chest. “Don’t talk like that. If you’re right and you really can’t have that life, then neither can I.” He pulled back and looked you in the eyes, wiping your tears away. “But I do believe that we can have that life. And if you don’t have a reason to believe that or a reason to live, then you can be damn sure that I’ll give you one.”