#as we all know babies famously fix broken relationships

[boarwinds]

Lucy Gray and her Snow baby

[stellocchia]

Since I really enjoyed yesterday's stream I decided to do one of my overly long analysis on it

So, here's my analysis of (DSMP LORE) Healthy Competition

Dialogues will be color-coded as usual, so here's what I used: Phil, Wilbur, Ranboo

As always I am incapable of brevity, so everything's under the cut

The stream starts with a conversation between Phil and Wilbur in which Wilbur admits that he hasn't been to visit Phil in a while, which makes Phil's later threat about throwing him out feel that much more ridiculous since Wilbur clearly doesn't really live with him either way...

"Alright, it's got one for Phil, one for Ranboo, and one for Techno. Is that all that live here? Just you three?" "Yep, just us three, just chilling"

The only reason why I'm singling this out is that it was right after the mention of Techno's birthday and Wilbur was pointing at the seats occupied by the 4 members of the Syndicate so it feels slightly weird that Niki wasn't mentioned at all. But also it's technically not a lie, she doesn't live there and she only comes around for the Syndicate meetings.

Another thing to add is that Wilbur did notice the chest Ranboo left for him and consciously decided to ignore it.

"I must admit I've come to you with a bit of a- a bit of a proposition. You're into propositions Phil? Are you a bit of a 'propositions' kinda guy?" "Oh, depends, depends. You- you've had some pretty... let- let's just say, uh- not- not a great track record on propositions that you've had in the past" "Alright... I mean, I'm trying to move past that"

I wonder what exactly Phil is referring to here. Because, like, Wilbur did bad things, don't get me wrong, but what's his track record with "propositions" in particular? Because he isn't talking about "Tommy, let's be the bad guys" here since he doesn't know about that. Is he talking about Wilbur founding L'Manburg? But then again, I don't think Wilbur interpreted it that way. I think that, from Wilbur's reaction, he clearly interpreted it as a jab at him exploding L'Manburg (which is the one thing he's trying to move past) which would be extremely hypocritical from Phil since he did the exact same thing but worse.

Also, I really do think that Wilbur is trying to move forward. He's lonely and he has the lowest possible opinion of himself so it doesn't feel weird that he'd want to move on. He isn't putting the work in it right now and he hasn't really changed, but he does seem to want to (though I think he may not know how).

"He [Quackity] didn't seem afraid of me, which is cool. Not many people- I mean you don't seem afraid of me. You aren't afraid of me, are you Phil?" (little look into Wilbur's mind and his fear of isolation once again. And this is fear of isolation, he's worried that other people are afraid of him and therefore are only waiting for him to step out of line so that all their fears would be confirmed)

"'Cause I'm not afraid of you [Phil]" (bold words for someone who spent who knows how long lying to his dad because of a crippling fear of disappointment...)

"Technoblade spent his entire time taking down the establishments, what he left is, as predicted, a power vacuum for a new establishment to come in" (in case it wasn't obvious, Wilbur is not the biggest fan of anarchy. And he actually got this one criticism spot on, indeed all taking down L'Manburg did was getting 4 new governmental-like structures to sprout in its place)

"Phil, I want to make a burger van" *Phil sighs and walks away* (I'm more sure now that Phil really meant "creating L'Manburg" as Wilbur's bad track record with propositions)

Wilbur repeating 4 times that he has no ulterior motive with the burger van managed to make me think the exact opposite. That said that ulterior motive may just be to create a safe little home for himself and Tommy for all we know honestly. Also, the whole thing with Phil trying to convince his grown-ass kid to go play with the neighbor kid and Wilbur throwing a tantrum in response was hilarious...

"If he's [Ranboo] shit you gotta come help me okay? If he's shit you've gotta come be burger boy with me, okay?" (he still is mistrustful to an extreme and pretty childish admittedly)

"Why is he [Phil] treating me like a kid?! Why is he treating me like a little baby?" (remembering how Wilbur treated Fundy I think it may be a family problem)

Another interesting thing to point out is that Wilbur was openly scared of the spider attacking him here, and fights it off, but he doesn't move away from the explosion later on and he didn't move away from the exploding creepers last stream. Other people already made this connection, but I do think it may be a sort of way to punish himself. Specifically, it's brought up later on that he thinks he got off easy for what he did, so he's using what he hurt others with (explosions) to hurt himself now as a sort of punishment for that. Which is another indication of just how much his stay in Limbo didn't help with his mental health.

"Am I being- is this [Ranboo having both cows and wheat] a setup?" (the paranoia never left)

"Ranboo I'm gonna go out on a limb here: do- do you wanna be friends?" "Su-sure yeah, I don't see why not" (I think that at this point it was still just Wilbur following along with what his dad told him to do and trying to find out more about Ranboo. That does seem to change later down the line)

"And then we decided that it [the 'cookie' outpost] was too much trouble so we kinda just left it" (So we have confirmation that the cookie outpost was abandoned)

"We're not gonna annoy Quackity" "That's good" "We can't annoy- we can't annoy him because we're simply put- we're simply put gonna be making...- I got the real estate! He's giving me the area and we're gonna be making a competing business"

Wilbur says this as if he wasn't perfectly aware that this would annoy the sh*t out of Quackity. As if the point of it wasn't exactly to annoy Quackity. Or well, annoying him isn't the end goal, it's just the means to an end. We don't know the actual end goal (though I think Wilbur still wants to either be let into Las Nevadas or actually instate a rivalry between them as he said, one of the two).

"We [he and Quackity] were a part of the same cabinet during New L'Manburg or whatever" "Cabinet?" "Yeah a cabinet is like-" "Was this- was this with Tubbo?" "Yeah yeah" (...) "So you were part of the old L'Manburg? I didn't know that actually, I thought you were a bit of an independent"

Once again: Wilbur is missing A LOT of knowledge. He wasn't aware that New L'Manburg had a cabinet and he wasn't aware that Ranboo was ever part of the country either. He has a lot of misconceptions about what happened during the time he was dead so it really shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that his views on a lot of things are as warped as they are. Wilbur is getting to his conclusions with an incomplete and sometimes wrong set of data.

"Do you dislike anyone Ranboo?" "Not too much I don't think. I mean there are other people I don't, like, agree with what they've done of course, but I think that everyone is just a product of what they've gone through and everything so if you understand that then you understand the person!"

There is nothing inherently wrong with Ranboo's reasoning here. It's true that most people are a result of their environment and, once you understand what they've been through you can understand them better as a person. It's also fine that he personally doesn't want to hold grudges. But that way of thinking isn't applicable to those who have been hurt by others, sure they can reach an understanding, but an understanding of a person doesn't justify shit and doesn't change shit unless that person works towards repairing old broken relationships. It just all sounds like a nice way of thinking about things in theory, but in practice, it just takes away responsibility from those who have wronged others to fix things and moves it to those who have been wronged. (Ranboo isn't advocating for everyone to think that way though, but I know the fandom will).

Either way, they arrive in Las Nevadas and Wilbur talks about how their place doesn't benefit the consumer and puts down 3 signs.

"I've been trying to think of a name for it [his and Tommy's area], I'm thinking about 'Paradise'"

There are two possible reasons for the name that I can think of:

1) It's in reference to Las Nevadas itself and how Las Nevadas is based on Las Vegas, the famous city of sin

2) It could be a reference to Tommy insistently calling Las Nevadas Paradise in the last stream and Wilbur trying to convince him that their place is the true Paradise

Wilbur does decide to make the Burger Van right at the border which really feels like a very obvious provocation. The other thing is that he makes it clear that he wants the van to be red and white which could be a random choice, but really feels like a reference to Tommy (since they are famously his colors) or an imitation of their opposition. Or both considering how much Tommy liked the restaurant of the opposition and the fact that Wilbur is still trying to convince him to stay.

"I'm not very fond of blue" (at this point it's obvious that Wilbur has quite a bit of pent-up animosity against Ghostbur. I wonder if it is because it still feels like people liked the ghost more than him...)

"Like, the Cookie Shop, I don't even know if it was a cookie shop, to begin with, because it was a little... fortified if I'm entirely honest, I realize that now" "Really?" "Yeah did you not see- oh wait- that giant stone structure?" (Ranboo really did fail to realize that the cookie shop was actually a military outpost, huh?)

"See, I like Tubbo. He's strong-headed, he doesn't let people push him around, you know?" (this is both an interesting change in what he thinks of Tubbo if he actually thinks that and further confirmation that Wilbur isn't a fan of people he considers to be 'followers')

"Why do you claim that you're so 'peaceful' and 'neutral' and yet somehow appear in almost every conflict this server's had since I died?" (since I saw people claiming this is manipulation already, just know that it isn't. He's just confused because, admittedly, Ranboo is a confusing guy and Wilbur doesn't really know him at all)

"Ranboo, why did you come to help me?" (...) "And then also I just think, you know... you can, you know- I think- I think you're an alright person, you know? So I wanna- I did kinda wanna get off on a better foot with you then what happened-" "Why?" "Just because I don't really like having the thought that people don't really like me" "Nonononono not the bit about the right foot, the 'why don't you think I'm a bad person'" "Well I mean, I think that you did bad things, but like, I think that you also went through things that made you that way and then I also think that you've changed now (...) but I think that now you've- apparently you've been away long enough that I think that if anyone goes away for that long eventually they'll have a thought about their morality and everything and maybe become a better person because of it"

I know this quote was absurdly long, but it is one of the most interesting conversations of the whole stream and it is really important and it tells us quite a bit as well. For one thing Wilbur was left quite emotional from someone simply admitting that he's an "alright person" and that they think he's capable of changing and this does bring him to open up to Ranboo right after. What Ranboo says to be exact is that anyone would have changed after going through what Wilbur went through and that change could be positive and while I completely disagree with it, it's clearly something that Wilbur needed to hear.

Now as to why I disagree with the notion that 13 years of semi-complete isolation could change anyone for the better should be rather obvious. But if it isn't, well, that's torture to put it simply. Psychological torture. Just like abuse it's one of those things that only cause trauma and a worsening mental health state and we see this with Wilbur because he didn't change, he only became more self-deprecating. Hurting someone doesn't make them become a better person all of a sudden, that's really not how it works. Hurting someone makes them become more traumatized.

"I think I scare people" ( as I said, immediately opening up about his insecurities)

"I think that a lot of people share your idea, but they share your idea in trying to- trying to keep me from hurting them" (for a bit here Wilbur talks about how he feels like everyone else is just waiting for him to step a foot out of line, which does really show that he's still interpreting all his interactions with people through the lens of his paranoia and self-deprecation, because no one is really interacting with him with that objective in mind)

"Dream's had his comeuppance and I've not" (this seems to be the crux of Wilbur's insecurity. This idea that he got off scot-free for his crimes, the idea that the only difference between him and Dream is the punishment that's been bestowed upon them which, of course, is wrong, but he doesn't know this, because he doesn't actually know why Dream's in prison)

"I've been investing into the wrong areas Ranboo, I've been investing into the wrong people" (This is either a reference to Tommy, to Phil, to Quackity, or to all of them)

"We're kindred man, we get each other" (the reason why he thinks that is because he seems to think that Ranboo has a similar type of paranoia to what Wilbur experience himself and he's not entirely wrong. Ranboo is deathly afraid of conflict and of being disliked so much so that he never stands up for anything in fear of angering others)

Little definition of "neuroticism" for you all since Wilbur kept mentioning it: neuroticism, one of the Big 5 personality traits, is typically defined as a tendency toward anxiety, depression, self-doubt, and other negative feelings.

I'd say it's quite fitting for both characters...

"I feel like life dealt us the same cards and the difference is that you built your trust by showing people your cards whilst I- I keep them close to my chest and I feel like that may be the big difference" (I felt like this was interesting. Especially knowing how much Ranboo actually doesn't share and how much he actually also keeps close to his chest)

They talk about tubbo in general for a bit and about what's been going on the server in general. Ranboo also that he's part of both Snowchester and the arctic commune (mostly the latter though).

"This has been chill, this has been good, I'm excited to show Tommy. What's your opinion on Tommy?" "Oh, he's- he's great. Tommy's awesome" "I agree I agree" "Definitely gone through a lot but I think that it's made him a good person" "Well you seem to think that everyone going through something at least gives them some merit you said" "I mean, yeah. I mean if- if no one- the only really bad people are the ones who are just evil because- just because and they don't have any reason why"

Included the whole thing here because if I stopped at Ranboo saying that Tommy going through trauma is what made him a good person it would have sounded really bad. As things are I think that that was just poor wording on his part and that this mostly goes back to the mentality he expressed before about how people sometimes do bad things because of the environment they're in pushing them and this idea he seems to have that actual hardships (like 13 years in Limbo or whatever he knows about what Tommy has been through) can encourage people to be better which is... sort of naive honestly. Again, trauma isn't a catalyst for the betterment of a person, and any improvement Tommy has made came from his self-reflection, not what he's been through.

After they're done with the van Wilbur brings Ranboo to their competing establishment and asks him to smash the windows, which Ranboo does with no hesitation whatsoever. After that Wilbur proceeds to place down one single block of TNT in a corner and Ranboo starts being a little more hesitant.

"You trust me right?" (I feel like that was a trick question considering how their common paranoia is the thing that Wilbur praised in Ranboo before)

Wilbur hands Ranboo the flint and steel to detonate the piece of TNT which Ranboo does, albeit with some hesitation.

"You passed the test, good job man, you go back to the van (...) Ranboo- Ranboo... I'm proud of you man. You've taken a side, you've proven that you can choose a side"

Quite a few people have already pointed out how similar this scene was to the time Wilbur tested Tommy in season 1 to decide if he was fit to be his right-hand man. In both situations, Wilbur gave someone a chance to cause some destruction against someone on the opposite side. Tommy passed the test by refusing to do so and showing that he was willing to uphold his morals and what he believed in. Ranboo passed the test by doing the exact opposite, by showing that, as much as he talks about how he chooses people and not sides, he's not willing to prove that even when all he would need to do to do so is doing nothing.

And it's an interesting scene to analyze as a parallel to that, but it's also interesting to note that Wilbur knows about Ranboo and Tommy griefing George together. He knows that Tommy was the only one to face any consequences for it (not that exile was actually the consequence for the griefing, but this is from Wilbur's point of view). Now putting this in the context of Wilbur seeing himself in Ranboo and thinking that he himself got off scot-free explains this next part perfectly in my opinion.

It explains why he made sure to leave this sign:

To me at least. This is only a theory honestly, we don't have an actual full explanation. But I do think that Wilbur may feel like the both of them never got the comeuppance they deserved, which is why he did something that's sure to get a reaction from one of the most powerful people on the server. Though considering that he also left 2 diamonds as retribution + a chest with all the materials he picked up it could have also been Wilbur's idea of a bonding moment and he could actually really be proud of Ranboo.

[isurviveddv]

8 weeks to 10 weeks

8 Weeks  -  December 11th, 2019

Time now was just a blur. Emotionally I was trying to heal, some friends said it was time to try and date. Others said just find a good buddy with benefits lol. Not for me though. I wasn’t ready yet and I knew it. Instead the week of Thanksgiving I had started at a second job at night. So, by day I’d work my office 9-5 then go straight to my second job and work 7-11pm. Go home, sleep and attempt to eat something in between. The schedule was honestly brutal but now he was gone, and money was beyond tight. Emotionally most days I was mostly ok until I was home. I would start each day by listening to our song, Tennessee Whiskey by Chris Stapleton and looking at his mugshot. I felt such horrible guilt…remorse. But also (and I know this will be rather un-popular to say) he isn’t a bad guy, just made a horrible decision that snowballed. He looked so angry in the picture, and he was so angry the last time I saw him. I knew for sure he would hate me for what I did and blame me…as would his family. Most of them anyway. I began to improve a little at my office job, getting in each day and really pushing myself to be great. Then life decided to say nope! In quick succession my car broke down, I got strep throat, AND from being sick had 3 seizures ( I am epileptic ). So not only did I loose pay from BOTH jobs for nearly a week, but now I also had to pay to fix my car which was $250 on top of rent, electric, and everything in between. I was drowning. I was lonely.

Two weeks before Christmas was a breaking point for me. I couldn’t keep up the schedule for 2 jobs, the car had broken down a second time, and now my uncle’s 2nd car was also down and he worked nights so I no longer had a ride home from my second job at 11pm at night. I threw up my hands in defeat. I quit the second job via e-mail and signed up on one of those dating apps. Truthfully at first, I was disgusted. So many men messaging me asking for nudes, calling me baby, wanting to just come over and sleep with me. In the last few years did everyone forget how to date?! Maybe I was being very picky, but I knew what I wanted versus what I needed. I needed some type of affection but not necessarily sex. I wanted something comfortable, something relaxed and someone who was understanding of the fact that I had no desire to be in a committed relationship anytime soon. I am also not a booty call type, so I wanted something in between. I needed it to feel organic and natural to me, not like planned sex if that makes sense.  A friend with benefits sort of thing I suppose. It was 2 months since I’d even felt a man kiss me. Many tried to take me out, even some old friends and friends of my ex. A few men caught my attention and we carried on a conversation for a while then they would ask me out and I would go silent. Something still held me back, but then one man messaged me, and we just hit it off. We chatted back and forth for a week, and then I told him about what I had been through and how I didn’t want a commitment but didn’t want to just be a piece of ass. He got me. He understood, and said he felt the same. We got along famously. We were playful and he made me laugh. I gave him my number and we would talk on the phone while I drove home from work each day. I wanted to meet him now. It was the week of Christmas though so I figured it wouldn’t be a good time. Christmas eve I spent with my family. I asked my ex-husband to enjoy time with the kids and told them I would do a late Christmas with them the next weekend. I went home about 5pm on Christmas Eve, and as usual he and I had been texting off and, on all day long. As we were talking, I began to drink. I had gotten A LOT of booze for Christmas presents so I was feeling pretty good within two hours. I also was much less filtered when I spoke. As it turns out though, neither of us had plans on Christmas day. His family mostly lived up North, and I just wasn’t in the spirit, so we agreed I’d go to his house and watch a movie or play a board game with him. He kept reassuring me no pressure, nothing expected aside from company, so we didn’t have to be alone.

That night was the first time in MONTHS I didn’t feel alone. He was sweet and kind and hilarious. And I know it was “reckless” or “stupid” to a lot of people to just go to his house. Let me be clear. I had a .22 in my purse, mace, AND a knife on my person. But it was a step I needed to take. That night was the first time in over 2 years since I had kissed any man other than my ex. The first time in over 2 years that I allowed a man to touch me other than my ex, and I will be honest it scared the crap out of me. I hesitated a lot, though my date was still very understanding when I put on the brakes. That first kiss made my heart fall into my stomach and gave me butterflies at the same time. Dread and relief washed over me. Like seeing the sun rise for the first time only to watch that same sun explode. I stayed a few hours longer, and he didn’t push. We cuddled a bit on the couch and watched two movies. I was so appreciative and kind of floored by hiss understanding that I decided he was worth the risk, so we made a date for the next night. Maybe I’d be better tomorrow, but for tonight I went home. Cried my eyes out. Did a few shots and laid down in my empty bed.

[caveartfair]

These Female Photographers Are Redefining Masculinity

Portrait of Solomon Golding by Cat Garcia. Courtesy of Boys by Girls.

In 2009, following a year spent shooting female fashion models, London-based photographer Cecilie Harris fixed her lens on a man—and she never looked back. Today, her interest in male subjects has evolved into a popular biannual print publication, Boys By Girls, in which a generation of young men are captured exclusively by female photographers.

“It was an ‘aha’ moment,” says Harris of that first shoot. “Something felt very different, and very right.” In contrast to some of the women she’d photographed the year prior, the male model moved freely. And with less elements to play with, from hair and makeup to wardrobe, “you had to pull more from yourself as a photographer, and from your model, to get a really impactful picture.”

From there, Harris narrowed her focus to shooting menswear fashion, but something wasn’t quite right. “I was working with a lot of male editors and I felt pushed to photograph models in ways they wanted me to,” she says. This often meant focusing on her subjects’ physical attributes. And so, in 2011, she launched Boys By Girls—a magazine that invokes not the male body, but the soul.

William Stautberg and Colby Demarco. Photo by Danielle Levitt. Courtesy of Boys by Girls.

Portrait of Oliver Hayes by Sophie Mayanne. Courtesy of Boys by Girls.

Initially conceived as a coffee table book, the magazine chronicles today’s male youth as witnessed through the female gaze. In doing so, it unearths new conceptions of male identity, and fluid, open attitudes toward love, sexual relationships, and mental health.

This depth of observation is thanks, in large part, to the intention of the women behind the camera. The “female gaze” is most often thought of as a rebuttal to the “male gaze,” a term famously coined by feminist film critic Laura Mulvey in 1975. But within that equation, men are placed in another gender construct, one plagued by its own set of physical ideals. By getting to know their subjects and working to capture them in all their complexity, these female photographers are dismantling gender binaries.

Louis and Harald. Photo by Trisha Ward. Courtesy of Boys by Girls.

“The overall arc is to explore what it’s like growing up as a young male today,” says Harris. The most recent issue, themed Young Hearts, however, captures intimate relationships of all kinds, in Danielle Levitt’s photographs of couples spanning races, genders, and ages.

The resounding message that rose from the issue, says Harris, is the idea of being able to love whoever you want to love. In photographs by Nicola Collins, two boyfriends who’d met in an LGBT support group are pictured embracing in a bed of grass. “It’s a crazy concept,” one of the subjects, Matt Tyson, says of that prerogative in his accompanying interview with Harris. “It’s like; I like chocolate and you don’t, what’s the difference?”

And, reflective of softening gender barriers across Western cultures, Boys By Girls earnestly projects a more fluid image of masculinity.

Tyler and Dominic. Photo by Paulina Otylie Surys. Courtesy of Boys by Girls.

Photo by Doreen Kilfeather. Courtesy of Boys by Girls.

“One of my favorite questions to ask boys is ‘Do you cry?’” says Harris. “Most of them say ‘yes,’ which maybe if you asked a boy that 20 years ago they wouldn’t have said.” Indeed, throughout the issue, male subjects, including notable actors and models, confidently muse on their own expanding perceptions of manhood.

Tyson sees this change as rooted in the shifting position of women in society. The male fear of adopting feminine characteristics, he says, has a lot “to do with the fact that throughout history, and in our society, women are seen as lesser.” But those gender conventions are slowly being eroded.

In a feature written and photographed by Harris, British actor Thomas Brodie-Sangster, of Game of Thrones, recalls his first bike—a bright pink scooter—alongside soulful portraits that picture him in dapper ensembles, including a baby blue Marc Jacobs suit. “Every male has a feminine side,” he says.

Portrait of Bradley Phillips by Cecilie Harris. Courtesy of Boys by Girls.

Likewise, 22-year-old Canadian actor Connor Jessup is photographed by Dani Brubaker in intimate black and white portraits that show him climbing trees or delicately lounging in Levis. “I cry in public and I don’t give a fuck,” he says, “but I think there is still a large part of the world that holds on to this sort of broken and armoured vision of masculinity.”

Boys By Girls is fostering a more progressive view of masculinity, in part by acknowledging the damaging effects of gender constructs, and encouraging honest discourse around mental health. “Some publications, especially fashion publications, tend to focus on what’s on the surface, and glamorize things,” Harris says. She stresses the importance of tackling these topics head on, rather than glossing over experiences of anxiety, depression, or loneliness.

Portrait of Thomas Brodie-Sangster by Cecilie Harris. Courtesy of Boys by Girls.

Portrait of Martin Garrix by Cleo Glover. Courtesy of Boys by Girls.

In a feature on British singer-songwriter Zak Abel, who Harris photographed around his old high school, playing a piano or stretching out across wooden chairs, he opens up about our preoccupation with social media—and the toll it can take on the spirit. Elsewhere in the magazine, the young EDM star Martin Garrix, pictured by Cleo Glover in an intimate shot where he’s lying on a hotel bed, speaks candidly about loneliness on the road.

Perhaps the issue’s most striking spread pictures 24-year-old ballet dancer Solomon Golding, the first black male dancer in London’s Royal Opera House. “He’s half black, half white, and he’s gay,” says Harris, “and he doesn’t feel like he’s fully accepted within any of those groups.” Cat Garcia’s photographs of Golding, which show him stretching and dancing freely in the ballet studio or resting outdoors, celebrate his individuality.

Portrait of Connor Jessup by Dani Brubaker. Courtesy of Boys by Girls.

They challenge perceptions of what a ballet dancer can look like. But even more so, they’re a reminder to those following along, perhaps other young men who similarly straddle different cultural stereotypes, that they’re not alone.

“At the end of the day, when we as women photograph men, it is only our interpretation,” says Harris. Rather than project their views on their subjects, these women are providing a platform for young men to embrace their true selves. The more outward-facing this expression becomes, the more empowering a tool it can be for young men searching for their place in the world.

—Molly Gottschalk

from Artsy News

[mnefaulkerson]

How to Reprioritize and Find Purpose After a Hard Fall in Life

(Image: lee Scott)

Last week a course participant shared with me that she just had a hard fall in life.

She recently lost her baby, left her job, and has been working on her startup in the past year which has not taken off in the way she wanted.

She asked me if I have any thoughts on reshuffling, reprioritizing, or finding new purpose in life, as she is not really sure if what she thought she wanted before is worth it anymore.

When I heard what happened my heart went out to her. I have already responded to her privately but I thought to write this post in case any of you are going through a tough phase in life.

1) Give yourself space to grief, to heal

Firstly I’m not going to tell you that what doesn’t break you will make you stronger.

Instead I’m going to tell you to grieve and take some time out for yourself first. Our society today is very much about doing. Do, do, do. Move on. Get over things. Get over yourself.

Yet we are humans, not robots. When we fall we need time to heal and climb back up. When we have an emotional fall the wounds may not be visible, but they cut so much deeper than physical wounds. Trying to “move on” when we are still hurting and feeling lost not only hurts us, but may cut us deeper and leave us more broken.

Take some time out for yourself. To heal. To recover. To find yourself. Give yourself the space to grieve, cry, and mourn over your loss.

I recommend to journal your darkest feelings. Pour your heart out on paper. Talk to your loved ones and share your pain. Spend some time alone, by yourself. If you are working, take a few days of no-pay leave (if you don’t have paid leave left) to rest and get a timeout. Work can continue for a while without you. But you, you need time to rest, recuperate, and heal, before stepping forward.

2) Think about the things that matter

Maybe you feel lost because you have been working so hard on something that amounted to nothing. Maybe you just lost your job. Maybe your marriage ended in shambles. Maybe your business is not doing well. Maybe you just lost a loved one. Or maybe you just lost your baby, something that no one should ever have to go through in their lifetime.

In these darkest times, think about the things and people that matter. Your parents perhaps. Your sibling(s) if you have one. Your partner. Your passion. Your beliefs. The people you care about, whom you’ve touched. Your children, if you have any.

And then there’s someone you may have forgotten. Your higher self. He (She) has always been there with you, quietly watching you, comforting you. He (She) has been with you through everything and wrapped his (her) hands around you and tightly hugged you in times of pain, even when you thought you were alone.

When all hope seems lost, remember that you are not alone. If you find it very hard to think about someone or something you care about, close your eyes and ask yourself, “What matters to me? What matters to me in this world?” Write down all your answers in your notebook, and write until you cry and until you can cry no more. As you lie in a state of darkness and grief, think about the things that give you light.

3) Reflect on your future

When you’re ready, and only when you’re ready, think about your life ahead.

As you stand and see your life before you, what do you wish to do moving forward?

For example, 5 years from now, what do you wish to see in your life?

Do you want to start a family, if you don’t have one yet?

Do you want to work on a new career?

Do you want to run your business or start a new one if your previous business failed?

If you’re single, do you want to be married or be in a relationship?

Where do you see yourself living? Do you want to be living in the same country or elsewhere?

What do you want to be doing?

It doesn’t have to be one answer but a few answers. 

Doing this envisioning exercise is about getting clarity of what you want. Defining a direction that you care about. This direction can be the exact same one you were working on before. It can be a similar direction to what you were doing before but altered based on your new priorities in life. It can be a totally different one. Take this as a good timeout to think about what you want vs. just going through the motions.

For example, my course participant told me that she felt lost because she had been working so hard on her career/business all this while and made sacrifices, yet the people there for her during her darkest hour were her family and husband. While she is working on her business today, all she can think about is her baby and family. All these things that I was chasing, that I thought that I wanted, what for? she couldn’t help but wonder.

I told her to think about what she wants to see down the road. “What do you want to see in your future, 5 years from now?” This future can involve being a full-time mom. It can involve running a successful business. It can involve having a family and running a business of meaning to you. Alternatively, it can involve returning to employment while starting a family. There are no right or wrong answers, only what inspires you the most and what you want to do.

The most important thing is to know that there is no right or wrong answer, only what matters to you. There is pride and joy in being a full-time mom and caring for the household. There is great fulfillment in being a single business owner. You can also be a multi-tasking parent and entrepreneur, managing family and business. Or you can be married with no kids by your choice, dedicating yourself to your goals, career, partner, and family members.

Likewise if you are a guy, you can be a full-time dad if this is what works for you. You can be a full-fledged entrepreneur building your business. You can be a family man having a stable job and raising your family. You can be a nomad traveling across countries and speaking at different places where you go. This is no one fixed path, but the path that holds the most meaning to you.

If you haven’t, do my life purpose exercise where you write your life purpose for 30 full minutes until you cry. It will give clarity of your overall life direction and where/how you should steer your life as you step ahead.

4) Start to pick up the pieces

When you return to life after a hard fall, it may feel disjointing. You may do X but think about Y. You may feel like you are at a loss. You may feel distanced, like you are far away from the things you are doing even though you are trying to move full steam ahead.

Start with the things you enjoy and that give you meaning. What did you enjoy doing before? Start with these.

Maybe you enjoyed writing. Start writing a few articles. Pen down your deepest feelings. Write not for others, but for yourself.

Maybe you liked going for walks with your partner. Add this to your routine.

Maybe you liked watching movies. Pick a few new releases and watch them.

Maybe you liked to travel. Plan your next vacation. Or go for a quick weekend getaway. If your finances allow and you have no immediate obligations, go on a trip for a few weeks. Clear your mind and realign your priorities.

Maybe you enjoyed volunteering, which you find purposeful as you help out individuals in need. Go for some volunteer work that you care about.

Maybe you liked to work as working keeps your mind moving and your work allows you to do very meaningful stuff. Take on projects that inspires you the most, that get to create the most impact.

The goal is to reintroduce the things you liked about your life back into your routine, at your own pace. Also, focus on doing things that interest you vs. doing things out of obligation. Let yourself be guided by what you want, what you love, not what you feel you have to do. The former is to be driven by love while the latter is driven by fear.

5) Start rebuilding your life

Once you are ready, it’s time to rebuild your life.

Ready meaning you are ready to reintegrate with the world. To give life your all again. To be your true authentic self.

Remember the vision you have painted in step #3? How can you get started with that?

Perhaps you lost your child and you are grieving over his passing. You still hope to have a child one day, to start a family.

Firstly, I’m terribly sorry for your loss. When you are ready, try for another child with your partner. I know someone who lost her baby but subsequently conceived again and gave birth. Their newborn fills them with joy each day. Yet he could never have entered the world if they (the parents) didn’t decide to try again, for another baby. He doesn’t replace his lost sibling in any way, but he brings joy and love to his family all the same.

Maybe you just ended a marriage. You are still hurting but you have decided that it’s time to move on.

There’s no need to jump right back into the dating scene if you’re not ready. In fact, use this time to focus on yourself. To work on the goals you couldn’t when you were married. To date yourself and fall in love with life again as a single.

Maybe you just went through a crushing business failure or your business is tanking. You feel ashamed and you’re not sure what to do next about your business.

Remember that businesses fail all the time though. Colonel Sanders was rejected 1,009 times when he tried to sell his now famous KFC recipe. Richard Branson, business magnate and billionaire, has failed in many businesses, from Virgin Cola to Virgin Brides to Virgin Mates (condoms) to Virgin Cars. Steve Jobs got fired from the very company he founded, and very publicly so. (He would be famously rehired later.)

That your business has failed or yet to take off is hardly the exception but the norm, especially in today’s ultra-competitive marketplace. In fact every entrepreneur almost certainly fails a few times at least before succeeding. As Richard Branson says, “Every person, and especially every entrepreneur, should embrace failure with open arms. It is only through failure that we learn.” The focus here isn’t “How can I not fail?” but “How can I fail quickly, learn from my failures ASAP, and use these lessons to achieve my next success?” Read: Can Everyone Be Successful in Starting Their Business?

If income is a concern, get a job or do some part-time work first. Budget and save up while you work on your business on the side. Quit when you gain enough traction to make a living from your business. Read: Pursuing Your Passion With No Money

Maybe you just got retrenched. Your previous company is the only thing you’ve ever known your entire working life.

Take this as a fresh new start. Your previous company is not you. What are some goals you’ve always wanted to pursue? Hobbies? Take this chance to explore them. Is there a different industry you’d like to dip your toes in? Create a plan that safeguards your financial risks while paving your new path. Reach out to your friends, industry contacts, and headhunter agencies to understand the industry status and job openings. Attend recruitment events. Use sites like Glassdoor, Vault, and Linkedin to research and understand the inside scene of the industry better.

***

To you reading this, I’m terribly sorry that you had to go through this. I wish that things could be better. I wish that I could make the pain go away.

While I can’t say that things will get easy because they may not, here’s one thing I do know: We are alive right now. You and me, we are alive. Because of that, it means the possibility to create what we want. To be with our loved ones. To touch them, to cherish them. To pursue what we love. To impact others. To make a difference in the things we care about. To show appreciation to the people we love, while we still can. To create life.

I hope you’ll be able to find the strength to carry on soon. I hope you’ll be able to break through this darkness to find light. When you do, you’ll find that the whole world has been waiting for you to re-join it all along. That everyone around you, including the people you care about and love, has been waiting for you to join them. That no matter what you think, you are never alone. That even in times of darkness, there can still be light.

Related Posts:

When Life Gives a Happy Ending

Why Have a Life Purpose? 5 Reasons You Should Have a Purpose

What Childhood Stories Are You Reenacting Today?

7 Limiting Beliefs Keeping You from Living Your Best Life

The post How to Reprioritize and Find Purpose After a Hard Fall in Life is first published on Personal Excellence.

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