#as the saying goes das Gegenteil von gut ist gut gemeint | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ukulelegodparent · 3 years ago

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I just was like "the problem with internet friends is that you can't just go 'hey, I'm feeling bad, can I come over?'" but that's not it, is it?

Like I have people to whom I could say that exact thing who live in the same city as me. Same goes for calling people, like that's a thing I could do that would also give me some of that closeness. The problem is that I don't want people to have any real idea of how I'm actually feeling when I talk to them even though deep down I know that is what I desperately need. But with internet friends I can put that responsibility on the circumstances of the relationship rather than the actual reason, which is me.

#I mean to be fair the person I would really like to talk to rn is currently probably waiting at the train station in Prague #for her connecting train #but like that's just bc I allow myself to be a lot more vulnerable via texts #I mean hell I have people in my flat with whom I could talk about this but I won't #like.#not to blame everything on my dad but I just feel like the fact that he is garbage at communicating definitely plays a factor here #like I feel like there have just been too many conversations with him where I didn't do something bc I was feeling like shit #and I was completely unable to voice those problems for various reasons one of them being I never learnt how to #that ended in him pressing me so hard and eventually yelling and I either yelled back or stayed silent and nodded #until I was let go and then I went straight for my room and just started crying #bc godforbid I cry in front of him bc then it would've been 'why are you crying? Stop crying.'#and like I know he meant well but like #as the saying goes das Gegenteil von gut ist gut gemeint #(the opposite of good is meant well)#so it's just me alone in my room #might try to make a collage or something that feels like a fun thing #that could get something out #also once again listening to ganz kleiner schwips by Dota Kehr (poem by Mascha Kaléko) on repeat #like 'of course you're once again not here when I feel this blue I'm usually alone #my cat murrs from the town hall it's sounding 4 and tomorrow I will be sad again' hits way too hard #or in German: Du bist natürlich wieder mal nicht hier wenn mir so grau wird bin ich meist allein #mein Kater murrt vom Rathaus schlägt es vier und morgen werd' ich wieder traurig sein #this is also what prompted this post #I was gonna cook with my flatmates tonight but I feel it might not be happening

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