#as someone who buried her mom in 2020 in full covid

[chicademartinica]

For the P’Aof doesn’t play with the framing and symbolism shot of the week ep 7

A beautiful shot of a funeral without the covid restrictions he had to endure himself , a fantastic Khao and the whole cast in the shot.

[spine-buster]

The President Wears Prada (William Nylander) | Chapter 25

A/N: So this chapter begins the first mention of COVID-19 for the story.  I know it’s not much but I did want to put a little disclaimer because I know it was a traumatic event for many people, especially those who were affected by it personally.  We will obviously get deeper into it as the story progresses in the next chapters (judging by the date...it’s time!) 

Also, no @’ing me about what happens here with a certain someone.

March 2nd, 2020

Aberdeen Bloom was paying attention to the news at the airport.

“While the first case of what epidemiologists are referring to as COVID-19 was recorded in Toronto on January 25th, the novel coronavirus is still baffling some scientists in terms of its symptoms.  They range from severe in some, to completely asymptomatic in others.  While there are currently less than twenty cases in Toronto thus far, Ontario health officials have recorded three news cases today.  One is a man in his 60s who returned on a flight from Egypt, while the other two are women in their 60s and 70s returning on a flight from Egypt.  Public health officials are encouraging individuals to wash their hands frequently and exercise caution whenever and wherever possible.”

“Want some hand sanitizer?” John asked from beside her.  He was laid out in the chair beside her while her knees were against her chest.

She nodded, leaving her bag of pretzels in her lap before she extended her hand and he squirted some Purell onto her hand.  John always had everything readily available – hand sanitizer, band aids, healthy granola bars, breath mints – she was sure he probably had a spare hair elastic in his backpack too, and a full surgery kit for all she knew.  She rubbed the sanitizer in between her hands.  “What do you think about all this?” she asked, motioning towards the TV monitor.

John shrugged.  “I’m a bit nervous about it,” he admitted.  “I know that Aryne is taking some extra precautions with Jace.  A lot of her friends from Queen’s ended up going to med school so she’s friends with a lot of doctors and listening to their advice.”

“I guess we should all be.”

“Wouldn’t hurt, right?” John asked rhetorically.  “Better safe than sorry.  What do you think about it?”

Aberdeen pursed her lips slightly.  “I have no clue.  Science goes way above my head.  But if doctors and epidemiologists are going to tell me to do something – or not do something – so I don’t get sick, I’m going to do it – or not do it – whatever.”

“Atta girl,” John smiled.  “Just listen to the experts.”

“That’s why I listen to you about hockey,” she winked.

He laughed out loud.  “You butter me up too much.  What are you looking for?  A granola bar?  You already have pretzels.”

“Not everything with me has to do with food.”

“Really?”

She pinched him.

***

March 5th, 2020

It was 24 Celsius in Los Angeles, and Aberdeen was loving it.  Though the Leafs had suffered a bit of an embarrassing loss to San Jose the night before, today the team had a day off before they had back to back games against the Kings and Ducks.  Some of them were going shopping on Rodeo Drive (Auston, Frederik), and some were visiting old friends since being traded (Kyle, Jack), but most were doing exactly what Aberdeen wanted to do: going to the beach.

They decided on Malibu Beach.  It was only a thirty minute drive from the hotel, so Aberdeen put on her bathing suit and packed herself in a car with John, Jason, and Justin Holl.  William, Rasmus, Kappy, and Pierre followed in another, with Tyson and Mitch tagging along in the last car too.  It may not have been super-hot to Californians, but for sun-starved Canadians, it would do.  The sun was out, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky, and she was going to tan the entire afternoon.  She would take advantage of it as much as possible.

As she helped set up the blankets and beach towels, she watched as Mitch and Tyson already stripped down to their bathing suits and ran into the ocean together.  Pierre was setting up some Bluetooth speakers and John was passing around the sunscreen.  The visual of these men rubbing sunscreen across their abs made Aberdeen’s heart flutter – but then the image of them having to slather sunscreen all over each other’s backs brought her back down to earth.  She chuckled to herself and shook her head.

“Aberdeen, sunscreen!” John tossed the bottle towards her.  She caught it and stripped down to her tankini before squirting some onto her legs and arms, making sure to cover herself thoroughly.  She could tell William was watching but trying not to make it seem like he was.  Jason took care of her back.  

The guys did their own thing while Aberdeen read her book and tanned.  She could hear them screaming every now and then and watched as they gave each other piggyback rides and splashed water at each other like they were a peewee hockey team on a weekend tournament.  Every now and again someone would come back to the blankets and beach towels to relax, but soon enough, they were back in the ocean, being loud and obnoxious but happy, happy boys.

“Whatcha reading?” Tyson asked as he walked towards her, wet from the salt water and sand sticking to his legs.  She flashed the book at him – Milkman by Anna Burns – and he squinted his eyes to see it properly in the sunlight.  “Is it about milk?” he asked.

She shorted.  She remembered back to when she was reading Women Talking by Miriam Toews and William asked “Do women talk in it?” like a smartass.  “It’s about a woman in what’s very obviously Belfast coming of age during the Troubles.  I thought it might give me some more insight into what my mom grew up in.”

“Is it any good?  Was it as good as the one you were reading last week on the plane?  Normal Girls or whatever it was?”

Aberdeen giggled.  “Normal People, you mean?  No, it’s not as good as that.  Fuck, I loved that book.”

“I know.  You wouldn’t shut up about it!” he joked, wiping his body off.  From behind him, Aberdeen could see John making his way towards them.  William was still off in the ocean, throwing a football between him, Pierre, and Mitch.  “Think you can teach Mitch how to read?”

Aberdeen smiled.  “I can certainly try.”

As if on cue, Mitch’s booming voice was heard.  “Hey T-Bear!  Get over here!” he yelled, putting everything he had into his throw of the football so it reached Tyson, who caught it expertly.

“See ya later, Aberdeen,” he said before running off, throwing the football towards Pierre who had to dive into the water to catch it.

Instead of focusing on the water cascading down Pierre’s abs or the sunlight hitting William’s broad shoulders perfectly, making him look like some Norse god, she focused her attention on John.  “You feeling good?” she asked.

“The best,” he nodded, wiping himself off before lying the towel down again and sitting on it, bringing his knees up and wrapping his arms around them.  “You’ve already gotten some colour,” he commented.

“Thank God,” she said, looking down at her arms.  “The winter has made me so pale.  It’s a bummer I didn’t get my dad’s skin tone.  My sister and brother got lucky with that.”

“You took after the Scottish side?” he asked.  Aberdeen nodded.  “I get it,” he said.  “Aryne can’t tan either.  She burns too easily.”

“Wonder if the Swedes are going to look like tomatoes in a couple of hours,” she said, nodding her head towards them.  “Imagine they’re on TV and beet red?  I might get fired for not slathering sunscreen on you guys or not telling you to put on some hats.”

John laughed out loud, choosing to lean back on his elbows.  “I don’t know about that, Aberdeen.  Something tells me you’ll be around for a long time if certain people have anything to say about it – well, until you want to leave, that is.”

Aberdeen’s body stiffened slightly at his words.  “Wh…what do you mean?” she asked.  

“Ah, nothing serious, Aberdeen.  Don’t worry,” he said, shaking his head.  With the silence between them, Aberdeen thought he may have dropped it, but he didn’t.  He was just preparing to articulate what he wanted to say.  “It’s not just Brendan liking you, you know.  We know William has, like, the biggest crush on you, okay?  We’re all adults here,” he said to her shock.  “It’s cute, but we all know it’s harmless.”

“It is harmless,” she stressed.

“I know, Aberdeen.  Don’t worry.”

“Don’t for a second forget that you’re all Toronto Maple Leafs,” she said.  “Every job in this organization is a dream job for someone and you guys forget that some people spend their entire lives, their entire careers, building up their resumes waiting to get hired by this organization.  Nobody would ever, ever, under any circumstances, want to do anything to fuck it up, because once you’re done here, there’s nowhere else to go.”

“I knooooow, I know.  I’m just ribbing you like we rib him about it,” he smiled.  He was so jovial about it all that Aberdeen calmed down a bit.  He wasn’t trying to get to the bottom of something like he was when he and Morgan asked her about Ethan – he was just being good-humoured.  A human, not a captain of a hockey team.  Maybe her overreaction was a bit much but she needed to remain guarded and vigilant about it if ever, and whenever the guys brought it up.  “He looks at you googly-eyed all the time even though he knows nothing’s ever gonna happen.  I’m pretty sure he’d cry whenever you leave.”

Aberdeen snorted.  Cry from joy, probably, because that would mean they could actually touch each other in public.  “He told you that?  That nothing is ever gonna happen?”

John nodded his head.  “Well, nothing’s ever gonna happen as long as you work here,” he clarified.  “But don’t tell him I told you.  He kind of figures and we all know it’s a lost cause as long as you’re working here.”

Aberdeen nodded, deciding not to say anything as she looked out into the distance.  The boys were still throwing the football, and Justin was attempting a yoga pose on the beach.  She picked up her book and buried her head in it.

***

Adrian Kempe, a Swedish friend of William’s, recommended a taco restaurant in Malibu for the group to have dinner.  It wasn’t a far drive from where they were on the beach, so at around six in the evening, they shook the sand off the towels and packed them back in the cars and headed to Café Habana.  Aberdeen was in the car with John, Jason, and Justin again.  

When they arrived at the restaurant, she looked out the backseat window to see Kappy making a beeline towards someone.  The girl, Aberdeen soon noticed, was Saylor.  She figured Saylor was here for another modelling gig, though Aberdeen did find it somewhat amusing that Saylor always popped up in cities or areas with…well, shall we say distractions.  She was in New York.  Las Vegas.  Aberdeen knew she’d been to Florida.  Now she was in LA.  Saylor didn’t go Columbus or Colorado.  

“Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii,” Saylor squealed as she saw Willy, wrapping her arms around him and squeezing him.  “Surrrrrpriiiiise!”

“Surprise,” he smirked, but Aberdeen could tell he wasn’t as excited as she was.  “Here for some modelling?”

“Who wouldn’t want to come down to LA to model?  I just came from a shoot,” she said, now focusing her attention on Aberdeen.  “Hey girl!” she squealed again.  

“Hi Saylor,” she smiled.

“I’m so glad I won’t be the only girl here tonight,” she smirked.  “The boys can get so boring sometimes.”

“Aberdeen’s used to it by now,” Jason piped in.  “She’s only been travelling with us since September.”

The group moved towards the restaurant and were seated in the back patio at a long table.  Aberdeen was squished in between Jason and John, and directly across from her sat Willy, Pierre to his right and Saylor to his left.  Saylor and Kasperi didn’t even have to sit down to ask the waiter and waitress attending to them if they had oysters.  They didn’t.  With one quick look at the menu, and a disproportionately long discussion requiring everybody’s calculators to be out to determine how many orders of tacos were required for everybody to have three tacos each (much to Aberdeen’s entertainment), the group ordered four orders of every taco variation (and there were five of them) on the menu, along with some sides of baby broccoli, sautéed zucchini, and French fries.  As a dining group of 11, it should have been more than enough food.  She felt bad for the chefs, but knew the food would be amazing.  She saw it being brought to a table near them and it looked delectable.  

While Aberdeen maintained professionalism at all times when she was in front of the guys, when the tacos came, that professionalism waned.  She made sure to grab the four tacos she was guaranteed and wanted and piled them onto her plate.  They looked delicious.  Even as she bit into her first one, she moaned audibly at the taste, making the guys around her laugh.  Willy eyed her as she did so, taking a bite out of his own.

“So what have you been up to?” Saylor asked Aberdeen as she crunched on a French fry.  “Kappy told me it was your birthday?”

“It was!  I turned 22.”

“Ohmigod, I remember my 22nd birthday.  We went to the rooftop bar at the Bowery Hotel in New York City,” Saylor said.  Aberdeen knew it would be something ultra-luxurious because that was the only way Saylor seemed to roll.  “What did you end up doing?”

“Oh, a bunch of friends and I just got a booth and bottle service at a club.  Nothing as fancy as that,” Aberdeen answered.  

“How many were you?”

“I’d say about twenty.”

Saylor’s eyes bulged a bit.  “When you get older, your friend group gets soooo small,” she said, her tone making it seem like she was the all-knowledgeable big sister bestowing wise knowledge upon Aberdeen.  Saylor was only a year older than her.  If it was Jen, Aryne, or Bee giving this advice, fine – but not Saylor.  “My friend group is so small now.  All the drama that goes on between people is just so tiring, you know?  Less people, less drama.”

Aberdeen didn’t want to be rude, so she nodded her head.  “I can get that.  These are all people I’ve known since high school and throughout university, though.  We’ve already been friends for a long time.”

“And you’re still friends with them?” Saylor asked.

Aberdeen nodded her head.  Before she could say anything else, John piped up.  “I think that’s a testament to your character more so than anything, Aberdeen.”

“But it could also speak to, like, the way people are,” Saylor went on.  Aberdeen indulged her, looking at her so she would continue.  “Like, when I was in high school – my family is from Lake Forest, and I went to Lake Forest Academy – I found out this one friend was talking behind my back and I totally ditched her.  But then we ended up at the same college, and it was really weird for a while, but then we ended up becoming friends!”

Aberdeen didn’t know what point she was trying to make.  Neither did anybody else listening, judging by the looks on their faces.  “That’s good you were able to turn the relationship around,” she commented, not knowing what else to say.

Saylor looked very proud of herself.  “Besides that, what else have you been up to?  Are you still just, like, Brendan’s assistant?”

Aberdeen bit her tongue to smile curtly.  “Just.”

“And a great one at that,” Jason said before stuffing his mouth with a taco.

“I guess that’s enough for you,” Saylor commented.

Aberdeen almost dropped her taco.  So did Jason.  Willy was looking in between them.  She didn’t know how to respond at this point and not sound rude when Saylor’s rudeness was so blatantly obvious.  Aberdeen still wasn’t sure whether or not Saylor actually had the capacity to be underhanded.  She was starting to err on the side of Saylor knowing exactly what she was saying to people but saying it in such a way and with such a tone that everyone thought she was just dumb and didn’t know better.  Aberdeen began to believe Saylor did know better, and her act wasn’t fooling Aberdeen anymore.  It made her reconsider what Saylor said to her in New York about her nose.  “It’s actually not enough for me, but it’s what’s paying the bills right now and I’m not going to discuss career aspirations at the dinner table in front of people who are technically my colleagues and who don’t want to see me leave anytime soon.”

“But you can’t be in a job you hate just because it pays the bills!” she said like some dreamer.  “You need to go out there and be creative!  Cultivate!  Be artistic!  Design!  Sometimes the best opportunities come when you just drop everything, quit your job, and start hustling as you do what you love!”

Aberdeen felt her blood begin to boil.  She tried to remain calm.  “One – I never said I hated my job.  I love this job and I love the people I work with,” she clarified.  “Two – that’s a bit easy to say for someone with family money who grew up in Lake Forest and went to a private school.  I have rent to pay.  Bills – groceries, my cell phone, internet, stuff for my cat – I can’t just up and quit my job with a steady income to hustle and be creative when I have a shit ton of responsibilities.”

“I’m sure your parents would help you if it’s your dream and it’s something you really wanted to do.”

“No, they wouldn’t,” Aberdeen deadpanned.  “My parents have their own shit to deal with.  My mom would kick my ass if I was that stupid.  I mean, my parents are immigrants, so that goes without saying.  They don’t owe me a dollar, and I would never ask them for it.  I would never do that to them.”

“What about your grandparents?”

Aberdeen could feel John, Jason, Pierre, and Willy deflate at the question.  It was almost comical.  “I think you’re missing the point, Saylor,” Jason said nicely.  “Aberdeen is already hustling to get to an end-goal of writing.  This job is actually helping her get to that goal.”

“Writing?” Saylor questioned.  “I thought for sure you wanted to, like, work in sports or broadcasting or something.  Writing, then?  That makes sense, I guess.  Better for you to stick behind the cameras.”

Aberdeen wondered if everybody else could hear what Saylor was saying too.  She felt like she was in the twilight zone or something.  It confirmed to her that Saylor knew exactly what she was saying.  “Yeah, I guess.  Kind of how it’s better for you to be in front of the cameras because you thrive on attention.”

“Yes!  Modelling is all about getting attention and hype around your brand,” she smiled sincerely, so happy that the topic was back on her and her modelling.  She didn’t get the subtle dig at her…extracurricular activities that took up more of people’s attention than any work or collaborations or modelling she’d done.  “I’m working so hard to build mine now, which is why I’m in LA having meetings and doing more collabs.”

“Is modelling enough for you?” Jason asked.

Aberdeen almost spit out her water, but Willy beat her to it.  She saw Saylor’s face light up even more.  “Oh my God, yes.  I looove modelling.  I’m soooo into the creative aspect of it and building my brand.”

“That’s great, Saylor,” Aberdeen smiled.  “I’m really glad that it’s working out for you considering how much you love it.”

“Thanks, girl,” she winked.  “It’s hard because the industry is so saturated these days.  I mean we were talking about this in New York.  Every girl with an iPhone, some makeup, and good angles thinks she’s a model.  It really takes someone creative like me to stand out.  Someone with a unique look and a unique brand,” she went on.  “Like your nose, you know?  It’s big.  Huge.  We talked about that.  You could get a nose job, or you could work with it.  Most would get a nose job.”  

Jason was ready for Aberdeen to snap.  So was John.  So was Pierre.  But William knew better.  When he saw Aberdeen smile, close-mouthed, just a hint of a coy grin playing on her face, he knew better.  “I have a Virginia Woolf nose,” Aberdeen said.  “It reminds me of how much I want to become a writer and not a model.”

***

“I feel like I just watched a WWE match on pay-per-view,” Aberdeen overheard Justin say to Jason in a low voice as they trailed behind her in the parking lot (he sat beside Jason during the meal and had heard everything, but even if he hadn’t sat beside him, Aberdeen had a feeling he still would have heard).  After the tacos were eaten, everybody decided to call it a night and go back to the hotel – well, mostly everyone.  Saylor wanted to go out for drinks somewhere else in Malibu.  Everybody else politely declined.

“Yeah, except it was pretty one-sided,” Jason said in an equally low voice.  “It’s like Aberdeen was Stone Cold Steve Austin and Saylor was the poor jobber her stunnered every Monday night.”

“You picked up on the nose comment too, right?  I mean she was basically telling Aberdeen to get a nose job?” Justin asked.

“Yup,” Jason popped the P sound.  

“I thought I was going crazy when I heard it.”

“Yeah, me too.  But from what I’ve heard from Jen I didn’t expect more from her.”

“It’s good that Aberdeen is mature.  I think if it were me at 22, I would have lunged across the table,” Justin commented.

***

“Who’s Virginia Woolf?”

Aberdeen was lying naked in her hotel bed, tits out, with William lying by her side after he’d fucked her, and that was the question he asked.  Aberdeen smiled.  She loved William and she knew him – she really did, at least she liked to think – but sometimes she didn’t understand how his brain worked.  She knew she liked to call him “Head Empty”, but sometimes she wasn’t so sure.  He clearly had thoughts.  He just brought them up at weird times.  “She was a writer in the early 1900s,” she answered, laughing slightly.

“And you want to be like her?”

She shook her head.  “I’d like my writing to be like her writing.”

“Why don’t you want to be like her?”

“She filled her pockets with rocks and committed suicide by drowning herself in the river behind her home,” she said, looking over at him.  His face was blank, processing the information, and she smiled wider.  “Maybe if my writing was like hers, I’d actually get published in Toronto Life or something.”

“You’ll never know if you don’t try.”

Her smile faded.  She hadn’t told him yet.  She’d wanted to keep it to herself for as long as possible because she didn’t want to burden him with the news.  “I did try.  I sent in one of my personal essays and they rejected it.  They sent me the email on my birthday.”

William remained silent.  He saw the look on Aberdeen’s face and knew that she felt embarrassed and disappointed – in herself, in her writing.  He wrapped an arm around her and propped himself up on his elbow so he could look down at her.  “Minskatt…”

“Don’t, Willy.  You’re going to make me cry.”

“No,” he shook his head, not accepting what she was saying.  “After the Carolina game you told me I needed to talk more and that you’d listen.  Well, you need to talk now and I’ll listen,” he said.  “Talk to me, minskatt.  I’m listening.”

Tears welled in her eyes, and it wasn’t because of her writing getting rejected anymore.  It was because of the man hovering over her.  His head may by empty, but Aberdeen was sure his heart was full of gold.  She didn’t know how she got so lucky.  She didn’t know how he was hers.  “I just don’t know how much more rejection I can take,” she whispered.  “I try and I try and I write and I write and I read so I can write better and nothing is working.  Nothing,” her voice was shaky.  “I just want an editor to read my writing and say ‘This is what I’ve been looking for all along.’  But that hasn’t happened yet.  And I’m scared it’s never going to happen.”

“It’ll happen one day, minskatt.  I promise you,” William encouraged as he tightened his grip around her with his one arm.  “You’re so talented.  Your dreams are going to come true and you’re going to look back and wonder why you ever doubted yourself.”

“Do you doubt me?” she asked suddenly.

“No,” William said without hesitation.  “Not for a second.”

Aberdeen stayed silent, bringing a hand up to wipe the few tears that had fallen down the side of her face.  She rested it on William’s forearm draped across her body.  “When I get like this, all my insecurities come out.  About my future, about everything.  Maybe I was never destined to be a writer.  Maybe I was destined to be a personal assistant or a bank teller.  Maybe I was destined just to be normal girl with a big nose and nothing special.”

“How can you say you’re nothing special when you’re my treasure?” he asked, burying his face in the crook of her neck and placing a light kiss there.  She couldn’t help but smile, and he smiled at the fact he made her smile.  “That has to count for something, right minskatt?” he stressed the word.

She nodded.  “It counts for everything.”  She looked directly into his baby blues, barely blinking.  “The second I leave here I’m going to plant the biggest kiss on your lips, Willy.  You have absolutely no idea.”

That caused William to laugh out loud before he bent down and gave her a quick kiss.  “Not if I beat you to it,” he said.

“You won’t.  Trust me.  God, I can hardly wait,” she said.  “I still don’t know why you keep waiting for me.”

“Are you listening?” he asked.

“Mhm.”

“I wait for you because I love you.  Because I love everything about you.”

“Even my big nose?”

“My favourite part of you,” he kissed the tip of it.  She could have cried again.  “It’s what makes you you.  I wouldn’t have you any other way.”

When she craned her neck to kiss him, she made sure to wrap her arms around his body and pull him close, wanting to feel his body on top of hers.  He got the hint, and stuck his tongue down her throat, and they kissed until he was hard again.  Though he hadn’t expected a second round, he was more than willing to partake.  He even made sure to bring extra condoms.  He always did now – since Valentine’s Day.  He had them everywhere: in his wallet, in his suitcase, in his shoe.  “I love you minskatt,” he mumbled against her lips.

She didn’t respond at first.  But when she did, it was with something he wasn’t expecting.  “Tell me how you want me.”

He froze for a brief second, the previous conversation they were just having still fresh in his mind.  “What?”

“Do you want me from behind?  On top?” she asked in a breathy voice.

He groaned.  “On top.”  

They switched positions so he was lying on his back.  Aberdeen climbed on top of him.  “Willy?” she asked.  “Can we…can we try something different?”

He nodded quickly.  “What is it, Aberdeen?”

“Can we…” she began, almost a bit embarrassed.  “Can I try reverse cowgirl?”

William couldn’t help but smile.  “Of course,” he said, gripping at her hips.  

“D’you have another condom?”

“My back pocket.”

She dismounted him, leaning over the bed to grab his pants on the floor and retrieve the packet.  When she straddled him again, she did it so her back was to his face.  He could feel her pump him a few times before she rolled on the condom, and he sighed at the feeling.  She looked over her shoulder at him.  “I love you, Willy.”

“I love you too,” he said, his hands back on her hips.  He helped her lower herself onto him, the both of the moaning at the feeling.  He loved watching himself disappear inside of her.  He noticed she wasn’t moving yet.  “You okay?” he asked.  

Aberdeen nodded her head.  “It feels so good,” she said.  “I’ve never…you know…”

“It’s okay,” he said, understanding what she wasn’t saying.  He couldn’t believe that her previous sexual partners were so selfish that they never let her explore what she liked or what she could possibly like or positions she could do.  He shuddered at the thought of her potentially asking and being turned down.  It made him angry just thinking about it.  He didn’t want her to be that way with him.  He wanted her to be completely open.  “Do what you feel comfortable with, minskatt.”

She began rolling her hips back and forth.  William groaned in response, and he could feel Aberdeen’s hands grip his thighs and her nails dig in slightly.  As she rocked herself on his cock, she began to moan, gasping out anytime William would buck his hips slightly.  He had to admit he liked the view, but what he liked even more was that she was enjoying herself on top of him, doing what she wanted.  

“Willy?” she asked suddenly.  She looked over her shoulder at him again.  She looked so innocent and he knew that she meant to do it, and he almost exploded right then and there as she bat her eyelashes at him.  “Can you…can you come up here?”

He did as he was told, pushing himself up and wrapping his arms around her body.  He kissed her back and dragged his lips along her skin to her shoulder and neck.  “What is it, minskatt?” he asked.

“What if I wanted to try more?”

If it was possible, William felt even hotter.  The sound of her voice saying those words was…indescribable.  “What do you mean?”

“You just make me feel so good.  I’ve never had anybody make me feel this way.  I feel so comfortable with you,” she said.  “You…I feel safe to try things with you.  Things I couldn’t try with other guys.”

He knew what she was getting at.  He placed a tender kiss on her shoulder.  “What do you want to try?” he asked.  She remained silent, wondering if she should have even said anything.  “Don’t be ashamed, minskatt.  What do you want me to do?”

She hesitated.  “D’you…can you pinch my nipples?”

He smiled because it was such a simple request.  He brought his hands up and cupped her breasts, pinching her nipples between his thumb and index fingers.  He felt her sharp intake of breath and her head leaned back into his shoulder.  He could tell by her reaction that she wanted more.  “What else?” he asked, biting down on her skin near her shoulder.  “What are you not telling me?”

“That,” she stressed.  He didn’t know what she meant.  “The bite.  You—You can fuck me, Willy.  I want you to fuck me.  You can be rougher with me.  I think I’ll like it.”

When William heard those words and how she emphasized them, he wanted to make sure.  Needed to make sure.  The first time they had sex it was a good old-fashioned hookup.  The second time they had sex they’d made love.  In subsequent times since, it was mostly making love, if only because they had waited so long to finally be together and that was what they wanted to “release” – love.  But now, with those words being said, he knew Aberdeen was ready to take the next step.  She was willing to go further.  She trusted him to go further with her, and only wanted to do it with him.  “Yeah?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she nodded.  “I trust you.  Fuck me, Willy.”

He pinched her nipples again, harder this time, and she gasped.  He started to move his hips too, moving inside of her, and she began to moan again.  Without warning, he fell back down on the bed, bringing her with him so her back was flush against his chest, though her knees were still bent and he was still in her.  This was definitely a new position for her, judging by her reaction – a quick “oh fuck” escaping her lips.  He heard her breathing get heavier as she felt one of his hands snake down from her breasts and on to her clit.  “Willy…” she moaned out.  

He started pounding into her, using his athletic physique to be able to so with such force in a new angle she’d never felt before.  Her moans fuelled him, and the moans changed to slight whimpers when he started rubbing at her clit.  “Fuck, Willy…” she managed to get out.

But he wasn’t done.  At least he didn’t want to be done.  His other hand, still pinching her nipple, moved up to her neck.  “Willy,” she mewled, bringing her own hand up and placing it over his.

“Is that okay?” he whispered into her ear.  He wasn’t applying any pressure – it was just sort of there – but that was apparently enough for her.  He wouldn’t have felt comfortable going further, anyway, at least without her verbalizing something.

“Yes Willy, fuck,” she arched her back.  “Fuck me.  Fuck me harder.”

He increased his pace.  Her cries let him know that even with those simple actions, she was feeling pleasure.  She was liking it.  She was getting what she wanted from him.  That was the only thing he wanted.  “I want you to cum all over my cock, Aberdeen,” he growled into her ear.  She didn’t answer, but when she arched her back again, he felt her walls tighten around his cock and he knew she was done.  He let himself find his release too, groaning in pleasure as her body writhed on top of his.  He didn’t stop rubbing her clit until her hand went over his to stop him.  Her body went still as he slipped out of her and she fell to his side, trying to regain her breath.  

After a couple of minutes, she curled around to face him.  “I know that was probably really tame but it was new for me.”

William shook his head.  He didn’t want her to feel nervous about anything.  “Baby steps,” he kissed her.  

“No guy has ever, like…asked what I like in the bedroom,” she admitted.  “So I couldn’t explore things.  Well I didn’t feel comfortable exploring things.  But I know I can with you.”

William nodded his head.  “Don’t worry, minskatt.  We can start slow.  No need to rush.  You can tell me what you like and where you’re willing to go.”

“You too.”

“Hmm?”

“You tell me what you like and where you’re willing to go, and I’ll go there with you too.”

He nodded his head, smiling.  “I love you.”

“I love you too.  More than anything.”

[cgs1211]

Healing yourself while parenting

You are dissociated, depressed, and your house is in shambles. Your mind cannot focus on anything but that one event in the back of your conscience. It nips at your heels, clouds your every move, and you feel like you are in autopilot. Nothing feels real except for that pain. Sure, your kids are fed and bathed and clothed, but their mom or dad isn't present. You feel guilty, but you cannot seem to pull yourself out of the detached space you're in.

Within the past few years I'm sure a good amount of you have suffered in this way as I have. I'll share a personal story, in case someone would be able to relate: In 2020 my husband and I began trying for our second child and I quickly became pregnant. Within a few weeks came lockdowns, stress, fear, the full feature.

I already had a 1 year old and the stress of it all boiled up inside me and my body could not take it any longer. I woke up one morning bleeding; Later I remember sitting in the emergency room alone, masked, and silent. I went home later and felt the contractions, then gave birth in my home by myself to a tiny baby, sac intact. I couldn't mourn, I had no time to. I had a 1 year old who was constantly in need of a mommy to feed her, take her to the park, do bedtime routines. That pain was buried for a full year before it came out on the anniversary of the event. I felt every feeling that I had previously come back full force, it was like I was back in the emergency room waiting for the doctor to come in.

It is important that we as parents understand that we cannot be there for our kids unless we are there for ourselves first. No amount of band aids, comfort foods, or ignoring the subject will help. You must get to the root of what hurts and flush it out like you would with an infection.

Because of the COVID-19 pandemic many of us are out of jobs, struggling, isolated, depressed, and a few of us are suffering through trauma alone.

How to begin the healing process:

1. Have the drive to heal

the first step you've already accomplished, if you are searching for or seeking information on healing your traumas as a parent- you have the drive and the potential to reach your goal.

2. Change one habit at a time.

Don’t push yourself to be extra productive or overzealous with personal goals. If you’re coming out of a depression, it’s easy to try to rush yourself into wellness, but you must give yourself time to thoroughly process your trauma. You have to build your emotional strength and express that weakness that you have held on to for so long. Like a sickness, trauma does not go away the instant you decide you feel a bit better.

3. Change your outlook.

Are your kids are alive, thriving, fed, and fully clothed (most of the time?) Yes? so then you have done your Job as a parent. Now it’s time for you to take care of you. You deserve a life that you enjoy living, not just an "okay" existence. You are meant for so much more and have so much more potential within yourself. You need to stop feeling guilty for taking time to yourself to grieve and process traumas. Its okay, you're healing to be a better parent for your little ones.

4. Seek professional help

There are multiple different low income therapy options available to you online:

Cerebral

Betterhelp

Talkiatry

Rethink My Therapy

If therapy isn't your thing, spiritualism is a tool you can use to help you focus and direct your thoughts. You know yourself best. Remember that everyone's recovery looks different!

5. Give it time

Rome wasn't built in a day. Great things aren't often achieved quickly, and this goes for recovery as well. Remember to give yourself time and be kind to yourself. Healing is not easy, but there is a light at the end of that dark tunnel you are traveling through.

[ambre-gris]

Warning: personal rant! Omfg things are a mess. My dad died in February, from cancer. He had suffered from a form of leukemia for years but last December, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. The autopsy results said it had spread even to his bones - he only started seeking treatment when it was too late. I'm not sad. I last spoke with him in 2020. But I have to deal with what he left behind: a literal junkyard. I have not found a will. He had been a hoarder and his house is in utter disrepair, I'd say it's beyond repair.

My mom keeps bugging me about selling the property and house to make profit, because she paid half of it when they got married. Thing is... They divorced in 2017 and being my dad's only child on paper - I have a half-sister who is over 10 years older than me and my dad was in her life long before I was even born but he never adopted her (he always felt insecure about the that my mom had been with someone else - to the point that he let it affect how he treated my sister). So that being the case, I am the sole heir. I wish I wasn't. It's painstaking to do this all alone: to suss out the papers, living far away, having no car, trying to write a thesis and work full time simultaneously.

I went there last month to organize some papers, clean up rotting biowaste, figuring out what to do with the ant-infested parts of house.... Someone had unplugged the freezer and I nearly threw up when I opened it, not knowing what awaited me. I could not stay there longer than two hours, the strong odors triggered a massive migraine later. I wish that freezer would just combust and burn everything down to the ground.

In addition to all this, I've been meaning to search for a therapist. I have been writing emails to potential therapists for TWO YEARS. I'm at my wit's end at this point. I don't have the energy to write a hearfelt request to 20 therapists each month (most of whom aren't even the type of therapist I should be seeing), for them to just say no, no one is available. I thought I was ready to fight for this but I guess I'm not. This is too rough on the soul right now. I am going to deal with this situation, somehow, but there's no way that rotten shack can bring any profit to my mom, or me. She doesn't understand how things work - my dad did all the work for her, even after the divorce. I have to explain things to her, and she gets angry if things don't work how she thinks "they should". My mom keeps offering to pay half of the bills but she wants the money back, so I'll just pay the bills from my own pocket and hope to get tax deductions later. I don't care anymore. I have a job that pays ok, so I'm not going to be bankrupt from doing this. What's wonky is that I wasn't even on good terms with my dad. The last text he sent me was over a year ago, and he asked me if Covid had killed me yet? Why am I even bothering with this? Even though my dad can't physically or verbally hurt me anymore, what he left behind still weighs on my shoulders. At one point, I felt guilty I had not attempted to reconcile. But you know what? I sure as hell don't anymore. Everything around me, everything that falls apart just proves he was a toxic person inside out, drove everyone away from him, cared more about alcohol than people. My mom says she keeps visiting his grave but she cannot bear to go to his house. I don't understand why she even cares. He was rotten towards her, and only showed her kindness when he was dying. I wanted to respect his wishes and I chose to have him buried in a coffin, not cremated, because I remembered him being against it. Now I'm just angry about it, about caring. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt in the end. Even after the hurtful things he said and never apologized for, never truly understanding how hurtful they were, refusing to listen to me, because he was uncomfortable with taking responsibility for his words and actions. The therapist I saw for a year, told me during one session: "If your parents were able to own up to their actions and objectively reflect on them, you would have been able to discuss your problems years ago." That opened my eyes and I was able to forgive myself for no longer wanting to try so hard.

Full disclosure: I miss my dog way more than I miss him. I'm not sure I even miss him. She was my angel, and I never felt that I wanted to do something else or be somewhere else when we were together. Staying at home, going on a walk on a rainy night, didn't matter. Every moment with her was valuable in itself.

That doesn't mean no one should mourn their parents. It doesn't mean anything except that at best, I have ambiguous feelings toward my dad. Everything he ever did for me was transactional. Same for my mom. At least I hope I will be able to cut loose more from all this after it's over. My bio family won't ever be "home" for me. I've made my home with my friends, and maybe one day I'll start my own, independent from my birth family. Such is life for some folks. Not all of us get great cards dealt at birth. What matters is what you make of your life, try to make it the best you can, the kind you can live without regrets.

[shelbyeri]

The Beginning or the end 🤷🏻‍♀️

Someone has asked to write a story about what I’ve been through since my mother passed away from Covid and they basically want to know more about who I am so they can write better.

I really wish it was easy to tell you who I am, but I’m not sure I know anymore.

I am always changing and 2020 has by far been the most difficult year for so many reasons.

I can maybe say who I was, who I may have become and who I feel like I am now, but i’m not sure how well I could translate it to words here. At least enough for anyone to understand me a bit better. I suppose I’ll have to try though.

When my mom passed away from being infected with Covid in the hospital earlier this year (2020) it was difficult, to say the least.

The Covid pandemic was really in full swing and killing many of us around the world so when my mother had to go into the hospital, deep inside I knew it was the worst time she could ever have been admitted.

They were yet taking any precautions, there was no mask wearing and definitely no distancing so it was dangerous to be out in public or near anyone and much much worse to be in a hospital...., everyone there was exposed to this virus. I still try to think positive because that’s really all I know how to do. Or at least all I have trained myself to do over the years.

One of my favorite sayings goes something like.... “expect nothing and you’ll never be disappointed.”

Anyway.....As the days passed, I remained in some denial & strongly believing she just needed some care before they let her come home, but she WOULD be coming home. She always did!!! So why would I think different now?

Yes, I know why...but I didn’t allow myself to think such negative things.

I wasn’t able to think about life without her, nor did I want to.

A few months earlier I lost someone who I also deeply cared about and I felt there was no way I could lose anyone else in such a short amount of time. I couldn’t let that happen, as if I had any control over any of it, but for my own sanity I had to believe I did.

I have always closed myself off to believing anybody I loved would die or not be there someday. so when it happens, it’s almost unbelievable to me and possibly traumatizing in ways.

This Might have been unhealthy but A world without someone whom I felt so close to or had a deep connection with or like my mom... so essential to my life and a part of who I am as a person .... it was just not something I wished to think about or experience, mentally or otherwise.

Especially not while that person were still there. I saw no reason to imagine such a tragedy.

I prefer to cherish the time I have with the person while they are still very much with me. I don’t want to imagine what would happen when they were gone. What purpose with that serve other than bringing me pain.

I will admit though, in doing this, it did leave me utterly unprepared for this reality when it was presented to me.

I did so well at keeping depressing thoughts like this buried deep within that when it happened it truly seemed unreal and impossible... surprising even!

So keeping all or most negativity to a minimum throughout my life has been helpful and I think it’s actually a good thing but then sometimes I wonder. Should we avoid thinking of inevitable situations such as this?

It seems so morbid to actually prepare for them.

Of course other than when someone’s been sick for a long time and you know it’s coming. That you might want to prepare for, but really I don’t know.

I could avoid it no longer. There she was and reality suddenly shifted to something horrific and I understood why I never wanted to Think of it before. This was not a moment I wanted to live through before I absolutely had to.

The nurse was nice enough to offer us a FaceTime with my mother before they turned off her respirator so we could say goodbye.

I finally had to look at her lying comatose and alone in her hospital bed, while the nurse, covered from head to toe in what looked like a space suit but reminded me of all those outbreak movies where everyone was in those hazmat type suits to protect themselves from the contagious patients. It truly seemed unreal.

we couldn’t be there with her, couldn’t hold her hand or tell her we were there with her to help her fight. This was all we got & all she got, but I was so thankful to finally be with her in a way....

It wasn’t easy though..., it felt like my heart was physically in pain... All my emotions rushed out and I felt this huge wave of pain run through my entire body toward my heart which felt like it could literally explode or break from the tremendous sadness I had no control over.

I cried to her almost begging her not to go but knowing it wasn’t possible. I think I expected a miracle even though I knew there would be none. I felt desperate and my brain ached from trying to understand how this could be happening... WHY this was happening.

Did I do something wrong? Was I being punished? So many questions running through my mind making me just want to shut off and stop thinking somehow before all these things just killed me.

Even right now as I write this, it’s all coming back. Every time I think I’m okay, it comes racing in to show me that I am so not okay. I wonder how long will I feel this way or how often is this going to sneak up on me forcing me to feel all that pain all over again.

I just looked as she lie there, wanting to say something but not really knowing what... I just remember crying so hard that I was not able to really speak. I could barely catch my breath through the tears.

All the things I would never get to say & all the things I will never get to do with her just flooded me intensifying everything I was feeling at that moment.

I may not think of many unpleasant things, but I did always know that this was an inevitable reality and could happen at any moment, but

As I said.... I tend to not worry or think about things unless I have to.

Since she’s been gone, I’ve continued trying to Think about it as little as possible in order to keep my emotions in check. However there are times when it just sneaks out. I try to avoid putting myself in situations where it may come up but there are times it’s unavoidable, such as now, when there is someone trying to help me and needs me to write about my experiences this past year and earlier I suppose, in order to get to know me and my experience better.

We all purchased the home we lived in but my mother was legally The owner of our house and now that she is gone, The state, town whatever says I have no right to live there and I should have not been living in my HOME After my mom passed which is ridiculous.

They want me to prove that I deserve to live in my house.

As if losing my mother along with a big part of my immediate family abandoning me wasn’t enough, the government decided to cut off our power and make us find somewhere else to stay while a deadly pandemic is raging through the country.

The very thing that took my mom is what they are now throwing us from the safety of our house into and sometimes I think maybe it would be better if I also caught it and followed my mom out of this hell hole we call life.....Because it’s sickens me that people would do this to us so why would I want to remain a part of it?

Also, the fact that they did all this, at THIS TIME just makes it obvious that they want us to be destroyed by this disease and with the problems I have with my health, I would most certainly die from it. Once you hear the hoops they made us jump through, you’ll see that they are nothing short of evil.

So even if I thought her death was the worst of it, I could never have imagined how cruel and uncaring this system could be, but now I know.

They have done more to hurt me than ever help me.

And It only got worse from there...,