#as in 5 and 5.0 because neither would accept being 5.1 or 5.2 or anything but five

[in-tua-deep]

I have this mental image from your double trouble AU that makes me laugh. Baby!Five trying coffee and spitting it out because it’s so bitter. Then staring in horror as older!Five just guzzles the whole pot barely taking time to breathe.

Baby Five sniffed at the cup in front of him with barely disguised suspicion. The rest of the breakfast table were all very obviously watching him without trying to tip him off that they were watching him, which they were all very very bad at. 

Next to him, his older yet identical doppelganger took a mouthful of his own coffee as he scrawled out another series of equations in the notebook in front of him. It was probably the proof that the terrible duo were correct for their internet argument with some professor of mathematics who made some frankly idiotic claims. 

They’d both spent the entire night up, huddled around their laptop on their bed as they took turns frantically typing acerbic comments.

(Both of them did wonder when it would dawn on the rest of the family that both Five’s were still sharing the twin bed, but Five the Elder often found the bed too soft and was more than pleased to sleep on the floor. And they were both waiting for the day they could get a sleep deprived Klaus with the whole ‘there’s a monster under my bed’ ‘there’s a monster in my bed’ trick.)

But the all-nighter was taking a toll, and knowing that his more experienced twin pulled them with far more frequency, Baby Five had innocently asked how he managed it all. In response, Old Five plonked a cup of bitter smelling black coffee in front of him with a shrug. 

Which is where Baby Five was right now, almost reluctant to take a sip because he already knew he would hate it but also not wanting to fall asleep at the table, either. It certainly didn’t help that the family was not subtle about watching him, either.

But whatever. In for a penny in for a pound. It couldn’t be that bad if his twin mainlined the stuff like it was liquid peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches. It was probably an acquired taste or something. So he lifted the cup to his lips and took a sip, grimacing deeply as the taste hit him.

Clearly the face he made was hilarious, since Klaus immediately burst into giggles and half of the others were clearly trying to hide their own stupid little smirks. Baby Five spitefully took another sip but it was somehow even worse the second time, ugh.

But hey, being the center of attention was always a baton that could be passed like a hot potato, so Baby Five turned to his twin and said, with disgust in his voice, “How the fuck can you drink this?”

But Old Five clearly wasn’t willing to play and just took another mouthful of black coffee, shrugging carelessly.

Allison at least was willing to take pity on him. “People put milk and cream in to help with that.” She informed him, helpfully, “Normal people don’t usually like it at paint thinner levels like Five, uh. Like he does.”

Baby Five rolled his eyes, because his siblings always got stuck on how to address them when they were together. It’s not like it was difficult. They were both Five. And if someone needed to specify, they could always just point. Instead he looked at his twin expectantly, silently demanding an explanation.

Old Five shrugged again. “If you dilute it that just means you have to drink more of it.” He said, grimly.

Baby Five took a second to process that, then twisted his entire body around to face his ‘brother’ directly. “You don’t even like it!” He accused, loudly. “You hate it just as much as I do, you just won’t admit it!”

“I ate cockroaches.” Old Five reminded him, as if anyone could ever forget with the secret old man saying it every other conversation. “Coffee isn’t even in my top twenty bad tastes.”

“But you admit it tastes bad!” Baby Five crowed, triumphantly. 

Old Five gave him a look, but Baby Five just raised his eyebrows in a clear challenge. Never one to back down, Old Five downed the remainder of his coffee like a shot and then in a flash of blue jumped over to the coffee pot on the counter.

“You don’t have to get a second cup just to prove a point. I already exposed your secret.” Baby Five pointed out.

“Awful bold of you to assume I was going to fill my cup.” Old Five said, lip curling in something resembling a grin as he lifted the entire coffee pot.

It took a second to realize what was going on. “No.” Baby Five said, horror in his voice.

“Yes.” Old Five shot back, triumphantly, as over the sounds of protests from the rest of the peanut gallery he tipped the coffee pot over his mouth and proceeded to pour it in. No sign of stopping until Diego reached him and managed to grab both him and the coffee pot to wrestle one away from the other since surely that much coffee was not healthy for a thirteen-year-old, and no matter how much Old Five complained about it, he was physically thirteen. 

“You’re disgusting.” Baby Five told his twin, nose wrinkling in disgust as he pushed his own slowly cooling cup of coffee away from him.

Diego managed to wrestle a triumphant Old Five back into his seat.

“I hate you so much.” Baby Five informed him simply.

“You love me.” Old Five shot back, reaching out and snagging Baby Five’s abandoned cup off the table. “Besides, I thought you wanted to know the secret to staying awake.”

Baby Five considered this for a moment, and then shrugged. “Alright. I’m going to go raid Klaus’s pixie stix stash. Sugar trumps caffeine.”

He jumped out in a flash of blue on the tail end of some very loud protests coming from every actual adult at the table and grinned to himself as he swiped up a whole fistful of what was essentially pure sugar. He only had a few minutes before someone made it upstairs to try and stop him, but hey. The run around while chugging sugar would wake him up as nothing else would, right?

It was better than coffee at least.