#as an adult like… friendships are so important and I’m so depressed I ruined mine

[threebyfours]

I wish I had closer friends. I should try harder w ppl in my outer circles but it hurts knowing I’m not as close w ppl I considered brothers before :((

[pretty-rad-arson-dad]

Hey guys so, about the whole situation that had happened with me being fasley accused of being a pedo, I said I'd make a post telling our side of the story (cause this involves so much more than me and them) and involves about 10 other people.

Also, ahead of time, sorry if this is messy, I just really don't know how to make these kinds of posts to clear things up? Explaining things like this is not something I'm good at. I was also going to post this sooner, but stuff in my persona life happened, and I've also received threats from this person's friends if I tried to come forward with my side of the story (or more like made anymore posts about it, as there's already a whole call-out post about them on Instagram, which I'll be showing later). After some debate, I actually realized it would probably be best if I actually did, just to get a warning out, even though I know there's a chance this won't be recieved well cause this is fucking Tumblr... And again, I'm just trying to tell our side of the story and warn others so the same doesn't happen to them. Also because I do believe this guy might have a Tumblr account and might try to seek out more people to abuse. I sure as hell know one of his friends who helped stalk us have a Tumblr though.

So, the person making the accusations was someone who joined my discord server, and at the time of joining, he was saying that he was of age. Several members on the server can vouch for me when I say this. Of course, in regards to him telling us he was of age, this is apparently something he failed to mention when he decided to make that callout conveniently enough. I'm still unsure of what his actual age is, wether he actually lied to us about being an adult when he joined the server or if he was lying when he claimed to be a minor in his callout. 

Anyways, sometime after he joined the server, he started to become a problem. Me, being an idiot and feeling bad for him, allowed his behavior to slide, though I didn't know the full extent of what he was doing til a bit later.

He would constantly talk about how he was being abused and we'd try and help him with advice, which he never really listened to, and if anyone on the server mentioned that they had done something fun or had a great time doing something that day, he'd go off and make us feel guilty for having fun, cause his at home life was shit and apparently if he wasn't happy, we couldn't be either. He actually tried to pull some shit while I was celebrating my birthday with my family. This kinda becomes a bit important later? Or at least the day becomes important later.

He's also known as kind of a pathological liar on the server, claiming that they one of the official FNAF artists (one who doesn't exist, btw), and start rumors about YouTubers and other people we liked, and whenever I'd ask for proof, they'd get all defensive. This itself isn't a big deal, except he also has the tendancy to start rumors that people are pedos if he gets into a heated argument with said person. It's actually happened when one of my friends said he didn't feel comfortable with people shipping things between adults and children. This caused a giant argument to erupt and I had to temporarily boot said friend from the server. At this time, my accuser then decided to make accusations that the friend of mine was a pedo because he... Didn't like people shipping adults and children.... Of course, we told him to cut the bullshit and stop causing rumors.

Now, keep in mind, they got upset over someone being grossed out by shipping adults and children.

This becomes a bit important later.

We ended up having a few other problems with them as time went on, them critizing other members AUs (well, more along the lines of bullying them for their AUs and projects), more guilt tripping and at one point, even bragging about pushing someone to suicide (at least that's what 2 of the other server members are telling me, I can't confirm this, as it seems it happened during a period I had no internet, and there's a good chance they might have deleted it, but do feel free to take this with a grain of salt). 

Eventually, he actually ended up leaving the server for good because of Tupperbot. Adding the stupid bot was the second best decision I've ever made in regards to him, honesty.

However, for a lot of us, the main tipping point was the roleplays and private DMs.

He loved to roleplay some pretty fucked up shit with a lot of people on the server. We've actually had one member as young as 11 come forward and say he had tried to do shit with them too. Keep in mind, he told us he was an adult when he joined. He would love to roleplay all sorts of weird, incestous and pedophilic shit with us, and would force it on us out of the fucking blue. Another thing worth mentioning, me and a few others are victims of childhood sexual abuse and rape. He CONSTANTLY put this shit in most of the roleplays he did with no regard to how triggering it was for some of us. We never even got a warning or an ask if it was okay to have something like that put in a roleplay. Some members spoke to him about their discomfort involving the shit he was putting in the roleplays, but it was disregarded and he'd continue to do it. Some of us were even so scared to say anything about it, as we were afraid he'd lash out at us and threaten us, so we just put up with it. 

Aside from the roleplays were the really weird direct messages he'd sometimes send. There were times someone would be venting (this would happen in the server as well) and he'd respond with that they had no reason to be upset and that he's been through much worse. There would also be times when someone would be feeling depressed, and he'd make these private little group chats to try and "intervene" by inviting a few of us in there with the said person. This would be fine on its own, but he always made it a point to invite one person that we've REPEATEDLY had to tell him not to invite. I'll call this person Wah, cause I don't want to cause them any more stress by exposing their account name. Wah was someone we've told him not to invite because she was, at the time, experiencing a lot of suicidal idealations and we were worried putting her in a situation like this where one of her friends was feeling like killing themselves and her having to help to talk them down would be the sort of thing to set her off into hurting herself. We obviously didn't want that, so we made it a rule not to ever get Wah involved. Accuser knew this and went and always invited Wah anyways. And would shrug it off whenever we'd go off and remind him of Wah's own mental health issues. There has also been at least one instance with them and another user, who was feeling suicidal. They mentioned they had been wanting to kill themselves and accuser went off about how if they killed themself, accuser would kill themself too. This obviously scared the shit out of this person and made them feel more awful.

And there of course, is the shit they did to me. They'd sometimes randomly flip out on me in my DMs out of literally fucking no where, and purposely trigger my PTSD.

There's more, but I can't remember all of it because just so much went on.

Anyways, sometime after they left the server, people began coming forward with their experiences with accuser, telling all that he'd been doing in DMs, and mentioning his prior behavior on the server. We started venting about the way he had been treating us in the vents chat because well, we figured if we couldn't try to talk to him about his behavior, at least we could vent amongst ourselves. Apparently he had actually made a few friends on the server and they let him know we were talking about him.

Fast forward to my birthday celebration and I'm getting DMs from him. They start our fine enough but eventually he suggests we start a thing where we mention one positive thing that's happened to us each day. Cool, a fine idea on it's own, but as I've mentioned above, he's had the tendancy to make us feel like shit for having anything cool and fun in our lives, so of course me, and a few other people who apparently had received the same message, were hesitant.

I left him on read to think about it and also because, again, I was celebrating my birthday and I was about to blow out the candles on my cake and open gifts.

I don't remember all of what went down, and I don't seem to have access to the Instagram DMs anymore since I have him blocked on there too, but eventually, I received a message of him flipping out because he knew about our vents. I believe I might have ended up calling him out and telling him exactly why we were doing it, but I can't remember. This happened back in May so the memory is a bit fuzzy and I don't have the DMs anymore.

All I know is that most of the members of the server decided to cut him off.

After that, he tried to tell Wah I wasn't who I seemed to be and attempted to ruin our friendship, made several accounts to stalk the Instagram accounts of serveral other of the server members and I, and then we ended up having to kick a few of their friends from the server cause they were starting to cause trouble.

Then there was silence for a bit.

And then there was the incident. They had gotten a (at the time former) friend of ours involved by lying and manipulating them into believing I was doing all sorts of nasty shit. The friend, who I'm going to call Pasta, ended up bringing that stuff over to Tumblr, unaware that they had been lied to. I'm not sure if it was Pasta who reached out to us, or if it was one of us who reached out to Pasta, but we ended up telling them what was going on, and somehow, accuser found out, and accused them of being a traitor and freaked out on them. They admitted that accuser was responsible and we ended up making up.

I've also since then had some of accusers former friends come to me and tell me about the call-out, further confirming that it was them who started all this as a way to try and get back at me.

And, since of course some obligatory proof is required, I shall provide these call-out posts with some screenshots. And you can even see in the comments we're far from the only ones who have dealt with them.

These aren't the only things from them, obviously, but considering the fact that we've all now got them blocked and some of us have even deleted the DMs (because tbh, most of us thought that cutting them off would be the last of it), this is what we currently have.

Anyways, thanks for reading this long ass mess. Hope y'all stay safe.

[saramelcky]

Fragments - Chapter 3

Bucky Barnes x Mom!reader

Summary: Y/n, Bucky and Grace have breakfast together. Bucky opens up more about what he’s going through, so does Y/n.

Word count: 2.3k

Chapter Warnings: Feelings. A little bit of angst. Some bad words maybe.

A/N: I’m back! Well, I don’t know if I will stay active for long but at least I finished this chapter...it took me soooo long. I hope you will like it and I hope I will be able to write the next one ASAP! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

Fragments Masterlist

'We'll be there in ten minutes' says the message Y/n has sent to bucky. It's been fifteen actually, sixteen minutes since that message and Bucky's leg can't stop hopping up and down under the white table of the cafeteria. He puts his left hand on it trying to stop the movement with no success. The door opens catching his attention: Y/n and her little girl are standing there looking for Bucky in the crowded local; when Grace sees the man she can't stop a joyful scream while running towards him to hug him.

"Hey, little girl!" Says Bucky "how's it going?" He asks.  "I'm not little! I'm a big girl" she corrects him. Y/n giggles sitting at the table only moments later. "Hey Bucky, I'm sorry we're late" She apologies to him. "Oh don't be, I was just a little worried, but that's on my anxiety" he giggles the stress away. "I'll send you more texts next time" she laughs lightly.  "It...seems fair" he adds forgetting the previous stress. "You know I colored a picture yesterday, Bucket!" The little girl cuts their laughing off by tugging Bucky's sleeve. "Oh really? What was it?" He asks while Grace climbs up to his lap. "It was me and the big dog from the park hugging like you and mommy did yesterday" the two adults cheeks burn to the ears. "Okay sweetheart, what do you want for breakfast?" Y/n tries to change the subject.  "Coffee!" the girl says joyfully.  "Grace, coffee is for grownups. Like mommy and Bucky. Would you like some milk and brownies?" Her mom smirks at her trying to convince her. "Mommy, I'm a big girl now" She pouts. Bucky whispers something to the little's ear and her eyes widen in joy hugging the man's chest tightly. Y/n is confused and watches him baffled. He nods his head letting her know everything is under control while a waitress picks up their order.

While waiting for their food, the tension starts growing and Grace is not helping anymore with the conversation as she plays with the plates of Bucky's arm. "So, Uhm, about the prosthetic, you wanted to talk about it, didn't you?" Y/n asks.  "Yes, it's about the funds" he says. "Oh, is there a problem?" She's concerned and starts picking at her nails.  "Well, not a problem but a change" he sighs "Grace won't be in Stark's project, it wouldn't be fair to those who were previously chosen, but she'll still have her arm, I will personally pay it since I broke it." Y/n was speechless, a mix of thankfulness for the kind act and stubborn pride that doesn't want him to pay for everything. "I...I don't know what to say" are the only words that escape her mouth. She tries to cover her tears flowing with a smile. "Hey hey, it's okay" Bucky says putting a hand on her shoulder. "Is mommy sad?" Grace asked. "No honey...mommy's really happy" Y/n says wiping off the salty drops "really happy" she repeats. As the food arrives, Grace gets off Bucky's lap and sits between the adults devouring her breakfast in a second. "Mommy I finished" she turns to bucky and he nods. "Bucket told me that to be a big girl I have to listen to you" Y/n nods. "I ate everything so I am a real big girl now" Y/n still nods while Bucky looks at Grace intrigued. "Can I drink your coffee, please?" Grace asks with the most joyful smile of all. Bucky burst into laughs and Y/n is taken back. "So that was what you secretly talked about uh" Y/n smiles "Oh no no" Bucky corrects her "I just told her to be good, the coffee part is completely hers". They both laugh while Grace, in all seriousness, continues to talk about how she deserves that coffee "I'm sorry Bucky, today she woke up with this thing of being a big girl, she just doesn't stop saying she is an adult and stuff like that" she smiles at him "Oh that's not a problem, I lived with the most stubborn boy in Brooklyn eighty years ago, I know how it feels like" he giggles "Well, you weren't Steve's mom, poor woman" Y/n says still smiling while Bucky, at Steve and Sarah's mention, suddenly loses his joy. "Uhm yeah, It felt like it before...before everything happened" he struggles to say the entire sentence without crying. Y/n notices the weird uneasiness and the sad tone in his voice. "Hey, do you want to talk about it?" She suggests. "I don't want to ruin your morning, the baby doesn't need to hear about my messy mind and I bet you have more important things to do" he stares at his hands without looking up to them. "Okay, I'll call this friend of mine so she will pick up Grace to my apartment and we can stay here and talk" she dials Lucy's number on her phone "or we can go everywhere else, just as you like" she says. "Thanks, but I don't want to pity you" he responds. "You are not pitying me, I'll talk about my messy life too if this helps you" she gives him a wide smile before calling her friend.

"Thank you so much, Lucy" Y/n said. "No problem" she nudges her "just...use protections" she winks and laughs Y/n sighs "I'll call you when I'm on my way home" she turns to Grace "Alright princess, say goodbye to Bucky, aunt Lucy will stay with you" she smiles at her baby "Bucket I'll miss you" the little girl pouts "Oh no, come give me a hug" Bucky melts in the little arms "I'll see you next week, little one" he kisses her little head "Bye Mommy" Grace waves at Y/n trough Lucy's car window.

Y/n returns in the cafè and sits back with Bucky. "Uhg, how can you be so calm without her" he says. She arches a brow at him, asking an explanation . "She's gone for 5 minutes and I can only think about how bad I want a little hug from her...God I sound so creepy" he mumbles. "Oh, I'm just pretending to be calm" she nervously laughs "it's been almost 5 years but I can't stand being far from her for too long. Please distract me from my cute daughter" they both bursts into laughs. "It's been a lot since I've laughed like this" he looks sad now "I feel like back in the 30s once again" he sadly scoffs. Y/n puts a hand on his left shoulder. "Do you miss him?" She asks. "Like fresh air. I just don't understand why he did that" he shakes his head. "Do you mean why he sacrificed for us?" She giggles "I mean, it's kinda obvious why..." she adds furrowing her brows. "Is that what you know?" He's shocked "you think he sacrificed? Oh wow" he laughs sarcastically "I've seen it on the news...he died with Ironman, didn't he?" She asks. Bucky can't hold himself by facepalming. "God no...this must remain between us, understood?" Y/n nods. "Uhm, first of all, Steve lived through Thanos okay? After Stark's funeral he had to do one last mission in the past, yeah we can time travel, I think... by the way, before this mission he told me that he wasn't coming back, that I should have moved on quickly and that Sam and the others would be with me if I needed. He...he completed the mission and after that, he went in the 40s and lived his life with Peggy Carter...they were a thing at that time and he never stopped loving her. Steve's still alive, he's really old but alive. I know Sam visits him once a week but...I can't. I feel like he abandoned me...he knew where HYDRA kept me but he did nothing to save me" finally, he lets out everything and cries all his emotions. Y/n embraces him, protecting him from something they didn't know "I'm sorry...I think I can understand what do you mean, sort of" she says "How?" He asks "Has your best friend left you after a century of friendship?" He adds laughing tauntingly.  "No, but I know how it feels being abandoned" she leaves a shaky breath. "Do you want to talk about it?" He asks wiping his tears. Y/n nods. "In 2018, before the Thanos things, I was happily married, I was nailing it with work, everything was just perfect. My husband, ex-husband's name is Jacob. I still love him with all my heart even if he doesn't anymore. At that time we were trying to have a baby, we wanted a big family with lots of kids so here comes Grace. The day I found out I was pregnant, you were in Wakanda, fighting for us. I didn't have the time to tell me about the baby. I was destroyed by his death and had a little pregnancy scare because of the stress. But everything else went well during the pregnancy and Grace was born healthy and even bigger than the average. During the pregnancy and labor, it was only me and Lucy, she's been my anchor many times. I had bad baby blues and I was diagnosed with post-partum depression and it didn't help with the special needs that had Grace. It was probably the worst time of my life. I eventually got through it and moved on, I even dated once when Grace was almost three" she laughed" The final punch arrived when you guys saved the universe and Jacob came back. I was the happiest person alive and Grace wanted to meet her dad so much. He wasn't that happy tho. When he saw Grace he was, of course, confused but he didn't believe she was his. He left us and didn't come back since. I...I didn't take well that too and to be honest, when we've met, it was the first time I went out in weeks. It's been a rough time lately" she sighs "I don't even know how I wake up every day now...I have the fear that Grace is growing more without me than with me, and this is fucking scary. I should be her reference point, I'm her mother for Christ's sake! All I can do is pitying myself, crying and staying alone! And now that I've met you, I feel like I don't deserve to feel bad, others suffer more than me." She covers her face putting it on the table in front of them "I didn't want to cry today but it's harder than I thought" she huffs and cries. Bucky gently kisses her head while soothing her sobs with a hand in the back before becoming a wiping mess himself.

"It felt good today, talking with you, you know?" He says outside her house. He accompanied her home after they recover from the public crying session. "Me too, we should talk more often" she giggles. "Are you free next week?" He asks. She feels heat rising up her face and a knot in the stomach. "Uhm yeah, I think I am" They stare at each other for a while. "I think I might head in" she breaks the silence "Oh yeah of course. Thanks again Y/n" he leans to hug her "Thank you Bucket" she highlights his name in his arms He laughs "you should teach that baby how to say my name" they pull off the embrace. "Send me a text when you're home" she goes to the front door "Ok! Have a nice rest of the day doll" he says before leaving "Thanks, you too" she enters the house.

"Mommy! You're back" Grace jumps in her arms. "Where is aunt Lucy?" Y/n asks her daughter "She's in the kitchen. It's lunchtime!" The baby says happily.  Y/n picks up her baby girl and goes to the kitchen. "Hey Lucy, I'm back" she greets her friend "Hey mama, how was your date?" Lucy smirks at her friend "It was not a date, come on" Y/n laughs. "Mommy, what's a date?" Grace asks. "It's when two people hang out, they go to the restaurant, the cinema or the park sometimes" she answers "Like us when we play at the park?" The girl asks again "Grace, baby, a date is between two people that like each other okay? It's special and you should not date every boy or girl that asks you okay?" Lucy explained "So Mommy and Bucket are special?" She asks "No, Bucky and I are not special because it wasn't a date!" Y/n is almost annoyed. "I want to be special to Bucket! I like him" Grace shouts giggling You all laugh when your phone buzzes, you take it out. When you read the name on it your smile fades away. Lucy notices it. "What happened?" The friend questions "I need to pick this up, it's Jacob" Y/n sits Grace on the counter and goes to her room.

"Hello?" "Hey, um, it's me. It's Jacob" he responds. "What do you want?" She says harshly. "I think I've made a mistake. I talked to some people and...Christ, I was confused, I still am...but I believe you, and I want to be in our daughter's life" As he says that you receive a message, probably from Bucky. "I can't suffer anymore, and I don't want to let Grace suffer too...I don't know if I can do this" she breathes shakily "Please, I still love you, but I understand if in the meantime you found someone else, I just wanna do the right thing for her" he pleads while a sob escapes her mouth. "Let me think about it okay?" She sniffles "I'll let you know when I'm ready" she continues "Fine... You don't have to answer this...but today I saw you with a guy...is he...Uhm are you together?" He asks "It's not your business, Jacob" she is angry now. "He's dangerous, babe, he's the Winter Soldier" he says preoccupied "And you're an asshole, Bucky is not my boyfriend, and even if he was, or will ever be, it's none. of. your. goddamn. business!" Y/n hangs up and throws the phone on the bed, forgetting the message.

Taglist still open:

@capandbuckylvr​ @queen-of-elves @dark-night-sky-99 @chubby-dumplin @archangelslollipop

[ettadunham]

A Buffy rewatch 6x15 As You Were

aka don’t you want your trash?

Welcome to this dailyish (weekly? bi-weekly?) text post series where I will rewatch an episode of Buffy and go on an impromptu rant about it for an hour. Is it about one hyperspecific thing or twenty observations? 10 or 3k words? You don’t know! I don’t know!!! In this house we don’t know things.

And in today’s episode Riley’s back, which is awkward, but not as awkward as his wife’s characterization.

For an episode that was written by one of the show’s main writers, As You Were is also just generally riddled by some awkward dialogue and story choices. Although there are just as many scenes and elements that I love for that matter.

The episode starts with painting a picture of Buffy’s messy adult life. It’s also just so mundane in its horribleness. For instance, when I came home from work today, I barely had the energy to put on today’s episode to watch. (Going out with friends? In this economy?) I also definitely have tried washing a shirt I like with my hands to wear the next day (and ruined it in the process). And I may or may not have run after a garbage car with my trash at some point in my life.

And while I don’t have a kid sister I’m supposed to provide healthy nutrition to… I have a cat? And most of the time, I’m only able to give her the garbage-type of cat food, cause that’s all that’s available in the nearest store to us. That’s almost the same.

Anyway, the point is that it’s all very relatable… All but the sleeping with a vampire part, but we all have our coping mechanisms. Mine is writing gibberish about Buffy the Vampire Slayer at 10 pm.

But then Riley shows up, and the episode takes a bit of a turn. I get that they were going for a theme juxtaposing Buffy’s mundane sucky life and this heightened James Bond action spy fantasy, but that doesn’t really work when you drop most of those former elements at that point. When Riley arrives, Buffy just leaves work. That’s that. She never returns, and we don’t address that she just left in the middle of her shift without telling anyone.

Which works in a heightened spy fantasy, but ignores the previous context we set up for the episode. That’s kind of what I mean when I say that this theme of contrast isn’t really executed well for me.

Still, if you get through that, there’s a lot to like. Even stuff like Riley being kind of the worst.

Which he is here. He drags Buffy out of work to help him hunting down a demon, even though he has plenty of resources. Including his wife, who he fails to mention while falling into a flirty banter with Buffy. He even screws up by not telling Buffy what their mission is and that they aren’t supposed to kill the demon somehow??

Riley… my dude… my comically tall dude with your new cool face scar… there is no part of this that you haven’t fucked up.

But then his wife shows up and calls him out on his bullshit, and that makes it a whole lot better.

Sam herself becomes kind of an issue for me though. She’s cool, she’s understanding, she says the right thing to all the Scoobies who all instantly bond with her. It somehow manages to turn into an unintentional red-herring, as you wonder if she’s manipulating everyone around her. Maybe she’s this “Doctor”, our mysterious Bond villain! At the very least, she’s definitely up to something!

And then the episode ends, and you realize that no. She really was just written that way. That’s her entire character.

I don’t want to shit on Sam too much though, because she’s obviously supposed to be a subversion of the whole rival jealous other woman trope. And I appreciate that. I appreciate that Buffy came to like her, that Willow’s whole deal of “let me hate that girl for you because friendship” was mostly dropped after a moment of genuine connection, that Xander was inspired by Sam and Riley’s marriage… These are good ideas. I just wish that there was more to Sam’s character than that.

Instead what we get is a lot of awkward dialogue quickly trying to establish those connections, and it doesn’t really work for me. Plus, in the awkward dialogue department we also get other gems like “I got addicted like addicts do”, in case you forgot that Willow has a drug addiction metaphor arc. It’s very important that you remember that, even though the metaphor itself is awkward and only semi applies to her situation.

On a positive note, I’m pretty sure that the sweater Willow is wearing will also be worn by Dawn in s7. Ah yes, the magical moment when you’re old enough to start sharing wardrobe with your cool (lesbian) aunt.

And then there’s the whole Buffy and Spike thing. Which, honestly? This might be my favorite episode of their storyline this season.

I’ve been admittedly avoiding talking about it in too much detail this season, and I’m not sure that I’ll have a longer rant about it at any point. It’s not a healthy relationship at this point for either party, but my focus is obviously on my girl, Buffy. It’s always Buffy.

Buffy’s been using Spike as an escape, and Spike’s been abusing that perceived power over her. Spike’s been Buffy’s punch bag, who in turn manipulated and isolated her even further from her friends and family.

I always felt like the best of their Buffy and Spike’s relationship in any season came from their most honest moments. And in many ways, I don’t feel like they’ve been fully honest with each other recently – mostly because they haven’t been fully honest with themselves.

Here and now however, Buffy’s finally been able to have the strength to face these truths. Not just about Spike and his weird evil ways, but about herself. She admits out loud to Riley that she’s sleeping with Spike, and sure, that happens after Riley has seen them together already, but telling people stuff is an important part of processing them. That’s why therapy is good for you.

This of course already started when Buffy told Tara, but that was a moment of catharsis. This is one of acceptance. She can finally take a step back, and instead of getting caught up in her depression pit, she can begin to process her emotions and understand them.

She’s breaking things off with Spike not just because she realizes that she’s been fueling her own self-hatred through that relationship though, but because she made a choice to change. This is her first act of self-care this season.

And she’s honest to Spike about it. There’s something gentle and incredibly vulnerable about Buffy admitting that this relationship was killing her. That using him only made her feel worse about herself. She even calls him William to convey that same tone, to strip away all these distractions they built up trying to maintain the illusion.

Keep up with that self-care, Buff!! You’ll need it.

Meanwhile Xander and Anya are planning their wedding from hell. Sometimes literally. For now though, they’ve managed to stay positive about the future of their relationship.

For now.

[madssyyy]

Dorris Lessing, in her short story, The Tunnel, wrote about a young boy’s perseverance and optimism. He watches a pack of boys a bit older than him that travel through a tunnel to the other side of the border, after they were teasing him, although Jerry, the young boy, thought they were playing with him. Jerry spends days attempting to follow in their footsteps, almost literally, by training himself to go through the passage. He attempts to hold his breath underwater longer, to the point of making his nose bleed. When he actually gets through to the other side, he is proud, but uninterested in going again. He had met his goal and had no reason to work to do it again.  

Every person has tunnels in their own life. This can be any goal, dream, or aspiration. They can all be different, but all are important, no matter the depth or reasoning. It can be coming-out to your parents, asking you crush out, or even a life dream.  

In my Gateway to English class this past Tuesday, we reminisced on our “tunnels” we had already accomplished.  

For some, it was picking a Major. Others, picking a school or sport to play there.

Mine was not one I could really talk about in class: deciding to go to a psychiatrist.  

My whole life, I have experienced major life traumas. I powered through, and even lost feeling toward them the more they happened. I was always told the same thing by therapists and family doctors: depression and PTSD. The thing was, those medicines made me crazy. One kept giving me boosters for my anti-depressants, then sleeping pills. They kept giving me booster after booster for my anti-depressant. It made me hear and see things, so then they gave me anti-psychotics.  

I knew something was wrong, but I was too scared to ever take psychiatric drugs ever again. By the time I was an adult, it became more and more immobilizing. I was ruining my life, but it was only at certain times. I would go through “phases” of numbness, to decent, and then, to ruing my life with rebellions and terrible things. I eventually gave in and was referred to a psychiatrist, who is one of the best in the state of Indiana, where I live. He did a ton of screenings and tests: Bipolar and ADHD being the 2 main ones.  

Since starting the medicines, I feel amazing. My life has turned around and so have I. I'm able to think through things and make genuine friendships finally. I did not know I could feel as good as I do now, and I am so glad I took the risk that turned me into feeling like a person.