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harleyquilt · 7 years ago

Text

Hotaru

Summary: Sequel to Dreich, where you will see some insight of different moments of significance to the plot.

Notes: Thank you so much for the wonderful feedback we received with Dreich. We appreciated it so much and decided to give you a little extra kindness with this fic that was meant to be a ficlet. HA. Anyway, it was great working with my partner in crime, @arvendell , and once again, worked so hard on this fic to make it as amazing as it is. I hope you enjoy our work!

Words: 10k…again.

Rating: Some mellow smut and not so mellow angst, as always. (Best combination)

Touka stared at the ceiling, her contemplative gaze lost in stupor as she battled her own desire to be selfish and selfless. Her intuition told her that something wasn’t quite right, that something was amiss – and somehow it felt like they had been given a brief moment of happiness because something was boiling on its way to them.

“Ugh, this is stupid,” she murmured, turning and burrowing her face on the pillow. She had been tossing over and over in her bed for quite a while now, her own thoughts sending her in disarray as it wandered on what was to come. There were many things at stake here, as well as lives, and yet she couldn’t help but shake the feeling that there was more to lose than to gain.

‘I really should just get some sleep,’ she thought.

She had been trying for a while now, lounging in the comfort of her bed since an hour ago. Everything was quiet, save for the sound of her own breathing; and people must have retired to their own quarters as well.

‘Fucking mind, let me get some sleep, will you?’

No matter how many times she told herself to let her relentless feelings go, her intuition told her otherwise, which only made her annoying restlessness worse. It felt like the shadow of death loomed before her, enriching her with a heavy feeling of unease that shrouded her thoughts, its cold breath was near her ear as it whispered unnerving doubts and qualms.

She sighed, surrendering to the fact that she wouldn’t be able to rest at all, especially with all the worry that ate her. “I need to get out.”

With quiet but determined steps, Touka wandered aimlessly around the base, inhaling the cool earthen air that surrounded its thick midst. It wasn’t quite as bad living here, she thought, even though she missed being on the surface – being normal. Or at least, as normal as she could’ve been. But there was a larger pang in her heart that exceeded that wish – a small, hollow hole in her heart that she needed to invalidate.

She found herself walking towards his room, apprehensive about the fact that he would be leaving soon. There was a great insecurity that welled inside her when she thought about what they could be facing from here onward. She really wanted to send him away with a smile, but all she could do was mask her own fears and behind this mask, she couldn’t help but drown herself in nightmarish imaginings of what could happen as a strong nausea swelled in her stomach. There were many unfathomable mages that had crossed her mind during these vulnerable moments.

“Touka?”

Her body tensed as she whirled around, eyes widening when she realized Ken was staring right at her, confused and somewhat worried. He watched her stare at the distance, his heart clenching at the sight of her worried face. Ken knew she always tried to put on a façade for everyone, be their rock so that they would not lose faith. But no one ever saw how much her own eyes shone with doubts and anxiety, as she tried her best to smile. She was always trying.

“Ack, don’t surprise me like that you idiot,” she huffed, stepping back when she saw Ken standing in front of her. She tried to calm down her own racing heart at the sight of him, concerned and confused. Ken smiled warmly at her, taking her hand into his.

“You looked so worried,” he stated as he examined her strained expression, leading her to sit on the bed. “Would you tell me what’s bothering you?”

She sat with him, hugging her feet as she leaned on the wall. Her head rested on her knees, mulling over his question. She hated this feeling, when she felt like there was a distance separating both of them. She hated it because she created it all, hated that she didn’t want to burden him and yet still continued to do so. She debated whether to talk to him or not about it – but in the end, the silence became too much for her. Steeling herself, she muttered the first thought that crossed her mind.

“I don’t want you to go,” she mumbled. She hated that she sounded so selfish, and yet she couldn’t even say anything but her own honest thoughts. It was embarrassing.

Ken’s eyes widened at her candid answer, but nonetheless smiled as he stared at the floor. “I don’t want to either.”

At his response, she finally lifted her head to look at his melancholic face. She waited for Ken to speak further, but all he did was beam at her as he took her hand to squeeze it in reassurance. “But I know I will always have you to return to, even if I am scared.”

Touka didn’t know if he was speaking to her or trying to reassure himself, yet it warmed her heart to know that he had found a reason to come home. Home, she thought – maybe it wasn’t bad to be here, if it meant they were together. She looked at his eyes inquiringly, seeing nothing but the tenderness of the truth in his grey orbs. She realized that she couldn’t seem to make things right when it came to him. It was unnerving, and yet she knew that this bubble they built together – the small, hopeful light they clung into was enough to reassure her that he had found it in his heart to stay with her. Could she accept his words this time? Could she hold onto them?

She reached out to him and kissed his forehead gently, holding him firmly to her body. Warmth, that’s what she wanted to give him, as she realized how cold he was against her arms. He sighed slightly, nuzzling his tired face into her shoulder with his breathing slow and steady. So peaceful.

Warmth was an innocent word she uttered bashfully under her breath, yet it conveyed so much with just the feel of his body against hers. It gave Ken a trail to her thoughts, to her feelings, as her embrace which accompanied the words gestured her unyielding love for him.

It scared Touka how much his eyes revealed, how much uncertainty he was going through with his plan. And yet, she scared herself more on how much she needed him to come back – alive and safe. It was one thing to be alone, but it was another to lose a part of you. He would have to leave soon, and although she wanted to believe that it was only for a short matter of days this time, she still couldn’t help but mourn his absence. Just the idea of his warmth leaving her was too much for her to consider, as an ache in her heart growing at such thoughts.

Unconsciously, her grip around Ken tightened – it was so tight to the point that he had difficulty breathing, his lungs constricting in the process. And when she let go, after Ken meekly begged her to, it occurred to him how deep her worries were, how much she struggled to convey them through words. Unwanted as those thoughts were, Ken knew she wanted to communicate them with him.

Because it was only him who could give her answers, the only one who could ease her fears.

How he wished he could give her the world.

“It will be hard, but it is for us. I want to do it to give us a chance for a future,” Ken murmured tenderly.

Was she allowed to dream?

As soon as the last words left her lips, Touka kissed him.

The feel of her lips colliding against his was tentative, scared and yet filled with longing and desire. She was tender as she was soft, when she touched his lips. Hot, molting longing pooled in the pit of her stomach, eyes closed, basking on Ken’s presence and his presence alone. It sent a shiver to her spine as he returned it, pulling her close until she was sitting on his lap. His hands roamed around her sides, from her waist up to her ribs – touching every skin he could find, savoring her being against his until one hand traveled back up to her back and the other intertwined itself with her hair to deepen the kiss.

He kissed her back with such strength and fervor, never daring her to pull away. Clothes found themselves in the floor, forgotten and unwarranted. It was a moment of intensity, where they explored each other’s bodies, memorizing each line, each curve as they their tongues danced in unison. His every touch sent electricity crawling down her skin – both mesmerizing and attentive. He would pass through her shoulders – touching strained muscles and skin, near her spine, giving attention to the spot where her kagune would emerge. And when he arrived at the soft spot in the curve of her back, he pulled her closer as their bodies melded in harmony. It brought Touka to an edge as she leaned towards his touch – desperate, hungry and ecstatic. His kiss was gentle, yet it was strong, making her feel like a jelly. His touches burned her as her head drew nothing but the feel of his love.

When they pulled away, she was breathing hard, face flushed and cheeks red. Her lungs felt like the air in them had been sucked out, and her body felt like it was burning from his ministrations. If only they could just stay like this forever. Tonight, she belonged to him.

“You’re so beautiful,” he breathed, making the skin in her neck crawl as she mewled.

She let his lips wander as he started to trail her body with his gentle kisses, starting from her forehead. It amazed her how gentle he was with her, as if she was a treasure he could never dare hurt. Her husband had been a force to be reckoned with, a dangerous enemy in the battle field. And yet, whenever he was with her, he was nothing but kind and affectionate. He made her feel things, beautiful things.

Touka knew how much he had been suffering, seeing his unfading scars from both his body and mind, and if only she could guide him, show him that the world wasn’t laying on his shoulders, then maybe, maybe, it would alleviate his pain a little more, and theirs.

She shivered as his lips trailed a path from her forehead to her eyes, then down to her cheeks. She felt nothing but desire, her body responding to every touch, his every whim, every feel of his soft lips into her skin. He nipped the crook of her neck, sending affectionate touches that thundered through her as she leaned in, making her surrender to him.

He had always been her weakness.

She couldn’t help but feel emotional this time, as she realized that this wasn’t a dream. A dream she had been yearning for years, a dream she never thought would even be possible especially after all they had been through. This wasn’t the first time, she knew. And yet every time she was with him reinforced the fact that it was real. She felt hopeful, grateful, that she was given this time to be with him.

She bit her lips as emotions threatened to overcome her, Ken’s touch searing into her skin as it traveled further, giving attention to her chest. His senses were filled with her presence, from the scent of warm lavender that Touka bore in her skin, to the feel of their sweat as their bodies collided. He paid attention to her, making her feel every movement, every touch, every feel of his tongue.

Touka squeaked when one of his hands moved from her waist downwards, cupping her bottom. She gasped when that hand lifted her to press her even closer to him, as he continued his work on her body. The sound of her soft murmurs and groans of pleasure captivated him, making him go into a spiral of want, of need.

But after a moment, Ken was confused as she pulled his face back to look at her. Under the faint light that entered the room, Touka looked at him tenderly that it made his heart skip a beat. Her eyes spoke volume, of the million things she wanted to say, of the million things she wanted him to know. Those eyes of deep blue that plunge into the heart were enough to shatter and build him. It was something to know you were loved all along, but to feel it? It felt like the world. She pulled him down until both of them kneeled in the bed, facing each other.

And then she gave him the most affectionate hug, her arms grabbing his head to pull him towards her heart. In it, Ken felt his insecurities and fears dissolve as she enveloped him, skins flushed, the warmth and softness of her lips meeting the crown of his head. In it, he could feel her heartbeat, as she made it known to him that she needed him, wanted him, adored him. Her kisses dulled his senses, trailing down his body as his tired muscle loosed at her touch, his heartbeat erratic as he melted in her sweet caress.

Because there was only one person whom she would let in, one man who could make her feel the way she did. It was only him.

And she intended to give him the warmth he would never forget for as long as they weren’t together, the warmth that pierced the soul, the kind of warmth that told him he belonged to her. It was the kind of warmth that burned inside him, warmth that enveloped him – warmth that made his head spin.

Ken interrupted her ministrations, capturing her lips as he sent her back to his arms. One of his hands went to hold her head while the other held her waist as their bodies melded. Hands stoked his chest, making Ken groan in her ear as his frame frenzied against her touch, leaving trails of fire on its wake.

She tensed when he went downward in response, the feel of his warm hand causing the heat to pool between her legs. And when his head went back to nuzzle in her chest, Touka threw her head back and whimpered his name.

Ken.

He melted in the sound of her voice that was full of need, a voice that craved his every touch. Her response was a delightful indication that encouraged him to give her more, as he continued stroking her. He feasted on her chest as she pulled him closer, in a desperate attempt.

Ken.

A whisper, murmur, a disjointed voice as it drowned in pleasure. How enchanting it was for him to hear his name under this pretense, in a way that anyone would never find out? How pleasant was it to find this strong woman surrender under his touch, with his kisses? To see her writhe and whimper, to see her blissful. It drove him crazy as he craved for more.

He settled Touka’s head on the pillow, giving her a brief, but affectionate kiss before he left and trailed small, sweet, fleeting kisses on the path down. Ken had her body memorized – know what he should do, when he should do it and where he needed to aim for. He smiled softly at her responses as he kissed, licked and focused his attention to her.

And then she was lost. The first touch was tentative, gentle and fleeting, followed by a second, a third. It made Touka jolt as she felt it, her body squirming against his hands. His lips sent her wanting, and yet his tongue sent her on the edge as she arched her back in response, letting go.

How was it that he was capable of sending her both in hell and heaven?

She clenched the sheets tightly, biting her lip as she lost control. She was a quivering mess underneath his touch, as the intense feeling of desire circulated on her body.

Ken captured her lips yet again as she regained her senses. He was the only one capable of doing this – make her forget her anxieties, fears and all her pain, and yet she knew he was as much capable of causing them. He was a force she couldn’t be saved from, the bane of her existence.

And just when she thought he wasn’t capable of messing her more, he did.

He pushed in, bodies melding as one. Touka’s fingernails dug in his back as she clung to him, her voice swallowed by the feel of his lips. The heat of the moment caused her senses to dull yet again, consumed by the fact that he was within her, was within his presence.

“Touka,” his voice was husky, lost in a haze. It made her feel warm, knowing that she was the only one privileged enough to make him like this.

A tear escaped her, upon realizing how much he meant, how much she treasured every moment with him. Every thrust, every movement, sent Touka into a spiral as she realized who he was in her life. He did things to her that anyone could never make her feel, helped her stand up with just his mere existence. This was one of the reasons she couldn’t fully hate the world, even if it always caused her pain and loneliness.

Because he was there.

It was because he existed, because he was here with her that she was comforted, that she felt loved. Ken gave her the hope that she couldn’t find herself, pieced her back together and healed the wounds of her heart. He too, gave her a warmth she could never dare find anywhere else, made her feel like being herself, being a ghoul was okay.

He made her feel beautiful, he made her feel like she was the world.

Her head lolled from pleasure, moving sideward as her lips let out whimpers and moans of encouragement. The feeling, it was more than she could think of, more than she could comprehend as they moved. Her insides tightened, making her grip the sheets that surrounded her as she stared into his eyes.

It was through those grey orbs that she could see the contents of his soul, of his feelings, of the real Ken. She stared at them for as long as she could as they danced, his gentle hand wiping the lone tear that stained her face. He kissed the spot where it fell and smiled.

“I love you,” he whispered into her ear. It made her shiver in response as she realized how much conviction those words held, of the honesty they presented when he himself couldn’t properly tell anyone his feelings. And how was it that he made her feel warm when it was her who wanted to give him such?

Touka trembled, eyes closing as she held onto him. Their dance continued, slow and loving at times, and fast and needy on others. Her insides quivered at his touch, as every movement sent her into a frenzied wave that became stronger. Ken growled at the feeling as both of them lost control.

They fell into each other, Ken slumped onto Touka as he buried his face on the crook of her neck, breathing heavily. She cupped his face, leaning in to kiss his lips softly to tell him she was thankful for having him.

“I’ll make sure to come home,” he promised her, and it surprised Touka how different he was, how different he felt now that they have each other. He took her hand and kissed it, before putting it onto his cheeks and holding her in his arms.

Tonight at least, she had him. She was home.

II.

Everything was a blur.

A loud static blocked out all the commotion around Ken, his head ringing with an insistent throbbing pain that ran throughout the rest of his body, pressing down against him like heavy weights.

He couldn’t move an inch, the pain too unbearable to try. With his mind in a daze, he wasn’t certain if he was dying or not. A part of him desired the former, wanting nothing more than sweet release from the burning sensation that tore him apart from within. It seemed so easy and yet, his wants and desires still seemed so far away from his reach, slipping away from his fingers before he could grasp them.

Then again, what was it he wanted?

Warmth – he could feel warmth spreading out in his hands as a girl tried to reach to him, her eyes bright as she tried to wake him up with a smile plastered on her face. Suddenly dawned to him. Touka.

Slowly, pieces of his memories returned to his shattered mind in a flash, remembering the cluster of bombs that rained down onto him as he shielded Touka from the attack. After that, he saw nothing but a void of darkness and for a moment, he truly believed death had finally came to take him away. However, when he felt the cold breeze of the air hit his face and felt the hard, damp ground beneath him, he knew that wasn’t the case. Even with the pain, he was still somewhat relieved, especially at the realization that there were still things he could to do.

Things he needed to see, things he needed to know.

He willed his beaten form to just breathe. Live. He needed to see her, needed to know she would be safe. There were many things he desired, but the most important thing at the moment was to know that whatever would happen, she would live.

He needed her to, just like he needed her.

It was subtle, like breathing – yet the thought of air being pulled away would sent you into a spiral of gasps and tremors. Desperately, he tried to force his broken body to move, even just an inch would do, even if it was hopeless he would keep trying. His heart called out her name, as he pleaded his body to cooperate so that he could open his eyes, to try and catch a glimpse of the woman he wanted so hard to protect, to see perhaps in a glimmer of hope that she escaped from danger.

He felt so useless. Even with the little amount of strength he had left, he couldn’t move a single limb, not even a finger. A heavy sense of dread grew in his stomach, churning his insides with nausea as his fear consumed him whole.

But he had to know. Was she safe? Was she hurt? Was their child still alive? These questions swirled in his mind rapidly, demanding answers he knew he wouldn’t find. He just wanted to see her for a moment, he just wanted to see her in his arms again, safe and alive. He promised her he would come home – to her.

But he, who was so weak and worthless, wasn’t able to do a thing. Not a single thing.

He was always failing.

It seemed like it had always been his fate to fail. Even in this sleep, when he was aware of his surroundings but couldn’t even move, it felt like the gods once again told him to see for his own eyes how weak he was. If only he had realized sooner that he wouldn’t been able to do this alone – if only he had been a better leader, a better person, then maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Maybe they would have been safe now and he would’ve been with them. It felt hopeless.

That was, until he heard a heavy thud land beside him. It wasn’t long before he realized a too familiar voice and heavy breathing of a person nearby, and it dawned to him that he would recognize that voice anywhere. She was here, alive. But why was she still here?

Why?

It occurred to him that with Touka now by his side, she hadn’t been able to escape. The sudden realization sunk into him with a flurry of panic that followed behind. All these different thoughts ran through his aching mind, unsure of what to do or if he could do anything at all. It shouldn’t have turned out like this.

Warmth.

Warm hands found his way as Touka laced her hand through his, her own squeezing his. He was amazed how alive he felt with the contact, even with his dull senses. A strained whisper escaped her throat, almost like a sob, as she called out his name. There was a deep sorrow attached to her raspy voice that shattered him. So that’s why.

In the end, they were way more similar than he thought – she wasn’t able to make the choice to leave the person she loved. Loved?

‘I am loved.’

Even in the situation he was in, he couldn’t help but remember all the reasons of why he loved her – it was due to the strong, ardent emotions that enthralled him and how he was able to be given the gift of that affection. Even now, she was still here with him, giving him the warmth he craved, that he needed. She did it all for him, when he wasn’t even worth a single ounce of her soul. He never deserved this, and yet, he realized how much he was given.

He couldn’t bear to fail her now.

He somehow forced his heavy eyelids to open, but instead of being embraced by the image of Touka’s beautiful face, what he saw were the human investigators surrounding him. Of course, nothing was fair in this world.

Why did he even expect any more from this cruel fate he’s been cursed with? But he remembered her touch, as he felt Touka’s hand shake in his grip, her fear apparent. Even with this cruel fate, he couldn’t allow her to suffer because of him.

‘Slowly, slowly,’ he thought. He had to find a way to stop this, he would not die here. He forced his hazy mind to cooperate and do something, as he felt his hand comply. ‘More,’ he thought, using every ounce of his willpower to make his body oblige. It was only through this spirit that he regained control.

As his senses cleared, he squeezed Touka’s hand in return, before shoving himself off from the ground and over Touka, his body covering hers. He winced at the shock of pain that stung him that he had to grit his teeth, but his determination was precedent over any bullet, any pain. Her eyes were wide with shock and fear, her hair disheveled and her complexion a ghastly pale as she watched the scene.

Was this how he wanted have to seen her? It was cruel and painful to bear this scene.

Someone suddenly fired a shot, and another, and another – he felt his back crumple with every bullet that pierced through him. But even with the constant agony, even with every blast that struck against him, he held himself up. For her. It was the only thing he could do, the only thing he was able to do after all.

With gritted teeth, he used all strength he could muster to force out his kagune and took out each and every soldier. Struggling to hold back his small whimpers of burning torture he felt all over.

Coughs, wheezes, gasps, a sea of blood.

Everything fell into a heavy silence, save for the sound of labored and painful breaths. At the corner of his blurry, half-opened eye, he could still see her. She was still here, she was still alive. That was all he could have asked for, at least.

Or was it?

He opened his mouth to speak, the process too torturous that it sent him into a haze. He tried to reassure her, tell her that he was glad he made it in time. Just as he had finished, Ken felt Touka sob at his words, but everything felt muddled. He felt so weak, his head heavy as he lowered it down to rest on her shoulders. He could feel the blood dripping down his back, soaking through his shirt and pouring out to the earthen floor.

“Ken.” And suddenly, he was suffocating, his heart lunging with the realization that even with his beloved wife alive, he knew he wouldn’t be for much longer. There was nothing he could do now.

Nothing.

He almost wanted to laugh at the pathetically cruel irony of the situation – all these years, he wanted nothing more than to fade away from this harsh life. All these years, he felt like an empty vessel – aimless, hopeless. There was nothing more than a tag attached to his accursed name, and yet he lived for the sake of existing.

But now that he saw her right before him, knowing that she was there, he knew that this was not what he wanted – he wanted to live, he wanted to stay besides her and meet their little one. He wanted to see the sunrise with a smile on his face – come home to her.

He could hear Touka pleading him through her sobs and cries. He couldn’t make out most of it anymore, but he had to reassure her, he had to tell her she would be alright.

“I-I’m here. I'll… always be… here.” Ken managed to give her another smile, but deep down, his words tore him apart.

He knew the truth all too well, his body growing colder with each minute that passed. Too weak to heal, his limbs shook unwillingly as the constant hacking continued. The world seemed to dim and he felt the cold hands of death wrap around him tightly, his own words repeating mockingly in mind.

I’ll always be here.

Lies. All of it. He already knew the truth – the truth that he won’t be able to embrace her again, to hear her heart race or listen to her laugh, to feel their growing child in her womb.

Their child. Oh god, he wouldn’t even be able to witness the child he grew excited about every passing day. In his dreams, he imagined the small chubby hands, the tiny feet kicking in the air and the constant thought that the child would look like the beauty his mother was. And yet, even with such thoughts, he told Touka nothing but sweet words of comfort. He would die with her never knowing that he wanted to live on, with a family he knew he would never be able to see.

The lump lodged in his throat grew, his eyes growing watery as something within him replaced the torturous pain that consumed his body – a pain stronger than any physical means of torture, the pain of regret. He looked at Touka, who was weeping. Through her choked sobs she was desperately pleading for him not to leave, her cold, bloody hands wrapped around his neck.

“I can’t bear the thought of never seeing you again. Please.”

Her voice was weaved with so much grief. It hurt, he hated it – he hated it so much. In a way, he almost wanted to block it all out, but he refused to. He would listen to her, until the end.

A part of him wanted to hold her close to his chest and whisper softly that things will be alright. He wanted to imagine himself taking her back to their home, keeping them safe, keeping everyone safe. Even with these whimsical dreams of his, the harsh reality of things reminded him that he must face the cold, hard truth.

Even so, he couldn’t find it in his heart to bring out these cruel words, to finally admit to the truth that he would have to say goodbye – not to her.

His eyes glanced down to her stomach, imagining the sweet child that’s still growing inside. Hot tears suddenly fell as he realized what he would miss. He clenched his hands, biting his lips to hold back his sobs. She will have to go through this pain on her own, always suffering like she did in the past. After all these years, he still ended up leaving her alone and in pain – always leaving her. He felt like he was so cruel, if only she had never met him, then she would never have to go through all of this.

What would she be like as a mother? He explored the idea, imaging a small, chubby baby resting on her hip with her giggling whilst she pinched their child’s nose. He imagined himself standing behind them, looking down at the two most important people of his life. But life shattered this one dream, the image crumbling away as he was left alone once again – only ever hearing the distant cries of Touka in the dark. It haunted him.

“Y-you…” Ken struggled to find his words before he looked right into her eyes, the dark blue orbs filled with grief and agony. “Y-you will make… a g-good… m-mother.”

‘I’m sorry I won’t be there to be with you along the way.’

He tried to speak those words, but such a simple thing weighed heavily on his tongue and in the end, he couldn’t say it anymore as Touka started to cry harder, her grip around him tightening.

It was too cruel.

All the while, his eyes drifted to her shoulder, her clothes torn as it revealed her scar that still seemed fresh from all those days ago. That wonderful day where they became one. It was still surreal to know, as his lips curled into a painful smile. If only they could turn back time and go back to that day, when they were happy. Or maybe even further, before he had left her – they might have been able to spend more time together, be happy.

But happiness was always out moving out of his grasp. And soon, he too will be forced to move out of hers.

‘Could you ever forgive me, Touka?’ He hoped she would, someday. His heart clenched at the thought of how much he failed her, of how much pain he would leave her in.

‘Please, forgive me.’

“I-I'm… glad,” he beamed instead, there was no time now – using the last ounce of his strength to at least tell her honestly what made his life worth living. “T-that I met you… all those years ago.”

She was so brash back then and always so loud, aggressive and reckless. And yet, despite all of that, he could see the soft-hearted, hardworking and beautiful woman that she was beneath that cold, hard shell. He wanted to see more, to discover and explore every aspect of hers he was so enthralled in, but time was running out so quickly. If he could just tell her this one last thing –

“Me too.” Tears streamed down her cheeks, and Ken reached over to wipe the wet trail away, leaning closer to her using every willpower he had. He could feel it – he could feel himself slipping further. But he had to fight it, if only for a few seconds more.

He could see his life flash before his eyes – of the soft gentle laughs that he always reveled on, of the warmth she procured. He saw their first meeting, of the way she protected him when he was weak, of the way she held her hand out for him to hold. He knew his life had always been bland, if not empty, and yet she gave him all the things he could look forward to in the briefest amount of time. He could see a figure on the horizon, a small chubby face smiling at him brightly in the light.

He mouthed one word in her ear, one last thing. The name of his hope, his last wish. He hoped she heard it, hoped that she knew he had tried.

His decisions never amounted to anything good, and yet because of her, he could never bear to regret them. If only he realized this sooner, if only he was better. But now, as his every breath was becoming more painful, every beat of his heart was erratic, he could only think of how much she meant to him.

Slowly, painfully, he was slipping away. ‘Please, if there is a god out there, take all her pain away.’

“That makes me happy.” He wanted more. “I love you.”

So much.

‘Please, no. I’m just gonna rest.’

He wanted to love her more.

‘Don’t take me away from her.’

So much more.

‘I want to live. I just need to close my eyes.’

But there was not enough time.

‘I wanted… to see him.’

There was never enough.

III.

He was sitting at the edge of the bed, fingers flipping through pages as his tired eyes focused on the words – each letter, each meaning. It was with determination that he did this every day for the last few weeks, he looked forward to it.

It would be his first gift.

He turned his head to check on his sleeping wife, removing a lock of hair that was plastered on her peaceful face. A small smile erupted on his lips as the sight of her nuzzling into his hand.

He had a feeling that his child would be a boy, he didn’t know why. Touka found it absurd when he told her his thoughts, and yet she never denied his claims. It would be him who would name the child if it were a boy, and she would if he was wrong. After they agreed to this deal, Kaneki really hoped it’d be a boy.

She looked so serene in her sleep, but still so beautiful.

Sometimes, he wondered if he even deserved this, as his life had given him nothing more than constant failure. It was a brief moment, but he had never felt happier, never felt more alive than he did now. It felt like life had given him so much to look forward to, and he couldn’t even think about dying now – he desperately wanted to meet someone.

He wanted to give something meaningful, something that symbolized all of his hope and wishes in a word. Then again, what did he wish for?

It was the first time he felt this giddy feeling, the first time he looked forward to a future like this. There was comfort in knowing that you were fighting for someone, for something – a life, a future, his own self maybe? It didn’t matter. But now that he realized that he had something to live for, something he wanted to see, it was easier for him to keep fighting.

He finally felt like he could wish and hope again.

Would the child appreciate the names he picked out for him? He wondered what Touka would think if she finds out what he had been doing on his spare time, he hoped she would be happy with his selections.

He wanted this – it was the first time he wanted something so bad that he felt like his heart would burst. He couldn’t help but imagine how the child would look like – would the baby have Papa’s nose or hair color? Would he/she have Mama’s smile or her eyes? Would his child be kind and strong like Mama? His heart skipped a beat at the thought of a child that would be a mix of him and Touka – a symbol of their love, of their hope. This had given him light in the darkness, had given him a reason to thrive and live for himself; And it suddenly occurred to him how easy it was to imagine this gift, how easy it was for the butterflies in his stomach to pool at the thought of meeting his child.

As he scanned through the pages, a small word caught his attention and he smiled. He felt like he had never really given someone something worthy before, but he hoped that this would be the first of many.

Sometimes, she wondered.

She stroked the object , flipping it up and down using her hand. Her eyes never left it as it turned and circled, the smooth texture of the box vividly apparent through her fingers. It was small that it fit her palm, yet it was big enough to hide something precious inside it as a glossy ribbon kept it together. The blue color was cool to the eyes, yet there was a certain warmth to it that calmed her.

Another day of debating if she should open it, another day deliberating if she was ready.

Touka sighed, hugging her knees together as she put the box in front of her. Every day she would spend a moment to look at this blue box; because it was the most valuable, physical thing in her life at the moment. She hoped he was right.

She couldn’t even imagine how the fuck he was able to find time to get this, as Ken had always been busy – and even when he wasn’t, he usually spent the rest of the time with her. But the fact that he was able to, oh god, her heart clenched so much at the thought at how much this meant for him. It felt worse knowing how much he had anticipated the future this way, preparing this gift in the midst of crisis for them, in hopes that they would succeed in achieving the peace they desired.

It could be compared to a person giving his soul, she thought, because that was how she viewed it. It was a too important gem – one that would never wither, one that would leave its mark.

One that she couldn’t even bear to handle at the moment without falling apart.

She hugged herself tighter, trying to hold back her tears as sobs threatened to escape her throat. The warmth of the sweater penetrated through the skin, keeping both her and her baby snuggled inside its presence. How ironic it was, to be able to find both comfort and destruction, to seek both presence and wanting nothing but to forget it. She didn’t even know what to think about it now. There were so many things that made her remember, but there were also so few traces left. Even if it brought her comfort, it also brought her pain. So much pain.

So sometimes, she wondered.

She wondered if she could ever be ready, if it was really worth it. She wondered if she would find the strength to move forward, to find the will to open the small thing with her hands. Slowly, she uncurled her fingers to get the box, hesitating as she pulled her hand slightly away until she finally gave in and snatched it from the floor.

She held it with two trembling hands, against her chest. When she realized that the box was slightly askew now from all the rough handling it had gotten from her, she tried her best to smoothen out the crumpled part. She wouldn’t dare ruin this, not after ruining everything else. And as she tried to finally pull the end of the ribbon, Touka heard her heart still before it suddenly beat raucously against her chest, lungs tightening in her effort.

And then she found herself moving away like the frightened child she was. Coward.

“Aneki?”

Her brother’s voice was as soft and timid as her action, as he peeked inside the room. She turned to his direction, hiding the box on one hand as she gave him a hesitant smile from where she stood at the corner of the bed. Ayato returned the smile, one of his hands rubbing the back of his neck once he entered the room.

“You need to eat,” he whispered gently, forcing a smile. His other hand was carrying a plate of food. They always forced a smile.

When was the last time they genuinely smiled?

She rested her head on her knees once again, looking down the bedsheet. She didn’t want to tell him she felt hopeless, as if this was a futile attempt to convince her to live. Even if she promised him that she would, even if all this time she held onto the hope that her child would be born – she didn’t really know anymore.

She still hadn’t felt any sign that it was alive, even if her body told her otherwise. She felt like an idiot.

But then, if it truly wasn’t alive, what was her purpose be in doing any of this? No, she refused to accept such idea – the baby would live, no matter the cost. It was what he would’ve wanted.

Was it false hope? Did she really think life had that kind of regards for her that it would give her at least this? She didn’t know – so she just allowed her brother’s presence to enter her space as he sank down the bed.

The room was quiet, save for the sound of Ayato’s sigh as Touka completely ignored him. Slowly, he reached out to her, afraid that if he tried to force her, he would shatter what was left of his sister. “You got to… for the baby.”

Touka snickered at his words, and yet did nothing to accept or deny them. “Maybe.”

He really didn’t know what to tell her, because no matter what he did, no matter what they did, Touka had been on autopilot since he died. It had gotten to a point that every small reminder sent her spiraling into cries and fits. It shattered him.

“Yes, you should.” For yourself as well. He looked at the plate and took a serving food, offering it to her while making sure it would not fall off the utensil by using his other hand to assist it. When Touka opened her mouth to take a bite, he was relieved that she was eating something again at least, because most of the time she had no appetite and would leave her food untouched.

The food tasted bland for her, as the spoon slid off her lips. It tasted bitter and burned her throat and tongue, yet it did not matter because she had no choice anyway – she had to live. She took another bite, and another, chewing on pale meat and shriveled vegetables that tasted disgusting. She didn’t really know why Ayato kept insisting on doing this, but she felt too tired to argue or even stop him. He was like a mother hen who refused to leave her alone, especially after he found her in the remnants of their old base.

Sometimes, she would joke about him being such a mother goose. It would make him hope that she would get out of this, but he knew better than to force it. Because most of the time, Touka just preferred the quiet of her own thoughts. That had been her company these days, her grief and loneliness, her regrets and her despair. It was written all over her weak appearance. She had changed so much and it hurt to see her in such a sorry state.

When she was finished, she had expected Ayato to leave the room, yet he merely placed the plate on the side table and looked at her solemnly. Time passed as he took the spot in the bed next to hers, leaning against the wall. But even so, he was too much of a coward to touch her and take her into his arms, he thought. “Aneki, I –”

‘Please come back to us. Please come back to yourself. I’ll do anything to make this better.’

This hurt.

Seeing her broken, at a loss – hearing her sobs, her cries, how tired she was and how sunken her eyes were, hearing her scream when nightmares took her – it had become too much for him.

But Touka’s eyes suddenly widened and she suddenly flinched, both of her hands moving to her stomach.

“Touka?” Alarmed, Ayato’s face scrunched up in worry, reaching out to her. His sister was so still, it felt like she had been paralyzed. Her hand moved to cover her mouth as tears threatened to escape.

A gasp, then a heave, then another heave. A sob, a sigh, a cry.

A movement.

She felt her heart somersault, could feel its beat through her ears as she realized what she had been waiting for all along. It was a tingle, a small sensation – like the twitch of a muscle or the fluttering of the eyes. It was short, tentative and surreal, yet she felt it.

Touka found herself in Ayato’s arms as she broke down, overwhelmed at the feeling. It was something to live because of a promise, but to finally really why, to finally feel why – it was more than she could take.

Hope. Was she allowed to feel this way again? Did she have the liberty to once again wish for something? Could she even bear to?

For a long time, she felt like an empty vessel, dragged and swept away by the currents. She was kept alive by force, and yet she felt like a walking dead. And yet a movement – like a bubble floating to the surface, a life suddenly brought her back to the world.

She hugged herself stomach tightly as she wailed and sobbed against her brother’s chest, letting all her pent-up feelings go for the first time. This time, she held on dearly to this light, as the ever-consuming pain came like a great wave. It hurt to know that he wouldn’t be there, it hurt to know that she would have to live. It hurt to know that her baby was alive. But most of all, it hurt to know that she could hope once again.

“I’m here,” Ayato told her, rubbing circles on her back as she cried. She sounded so broken and it was so painful to bear, but he knew that all he could do was to be there. “I’m here, aneki.”

It was a simple message written in a small piece of plain paper, and yet it was enough to make her tears flow. Seeing his handwriting and the small specks of dried tear marks were enough to send her on the edge as she realized how much hope he had. Could she ever say goodbye?

She sighed, a small smile playing in her lips as she felt the movement once again. There were many things that she wanted to say, many emotions whirling in her heart as she remembered him. She could imagine his smile vividly – small and awkward, sometimes hesitant. But it was gentle, it always was – when directed to her. She could imagine him smiling like an idiot if he found out their child had moved, could imagine the happiness in his eyes if he was here. He would place his hands on her stomach with so much excitement and nervousness, his face lighting up with hope. Or at least, that’s how she dreamt the moment to be like. He always wanted a family.

It hurt, but she reminisced. She looked back as his face had been engraved in her soul. There had been many hopes and dreams left behind and shattered in one fell swoop of the pendulum. Yet in her dreams, she willed it to be different.

She imagined him with her.

“Your father traveled far away, but he loves you so much.” She heard herself mumbling these words as half choked sobs escaped in her lips. Her voice was raspy and rough from too much crying, her eyes puffy and bloodshot.

It was dark now, and she was alone once again. She drew comfort in the fact that she was wearing one of his clothes, the scent of citrus and leather pervading her senses. She was stroking her stomach, feeling small movements in random intervals.

It both amazed and frightened her, but it finally gave her the courage to open up the box and reveal the jewel that had been kept safe inside.

“He was the biggest crybaby Mama had ever met,” she whispered, chuckling as she caressed her stomach tenderly, “and he always doubted himself.”

She remembered the first time she met Ken, their first real encounter. It felt like it had been forever since then, now that a lot of things has changed. It was nostalgic to walk on memory lane, to imagine how messed up it was.

“It was Mama who taught Papa how to fight.” Touka looked at the ceiling, closing her eyes. “He was so weak then, but he never gave up. Mama always had to go and save his ass.”

Her heart clenched when she realized how long it had been. Could she remember his face, his features years from now? Would she be able to think of him like it was just yesterday when they were together? She wanted to choke as her heart protested from her thoughts. “We were constantly fighting at first, and there was one time Aunt Yoriko thought that me and your Papa were dating. He wasn’t even my type.”

She opened her eyes with a huff of protest. She recalled how much she cringed when Yoriko thought they were together and it made her smile when she imagined the priceless look on his face. “But your Papa was the kindest, most emphatic person Mama has ever met. He taught Mama how to love.”

Touka didn’t know when or how it happened, but she never denied it when it did. She could still recall how scared she was when Ken was taken by Aogiri, how she trembled with fear when the manager told them that she might never see him again. Her eyes grew distant, a somber expression written on her face as she realized how cruel the world was for him. “But bad people took and changed him.” There was a pause, as sadness clenched all around her heart. Things would have been different if Aogiri didn’t come to Anteiku… if she was only strong enough then. “Mama feared that he would just slip away. Papa was like an idiot who constantly made me worry.”

Her voice was so soft, almost as fleeting as the scene she tried so hard forget before, resurfaced. “Papa’s first gift to Mama was a dumb keychain that Uncle Nishiki made fun of, but it was important to Mama nonetheless. Mama tried to look for him and did her best to study and get to Kamii, but he has changed so much then and Mama made it worse. I almost lost him.”

She almost crumpled the paper she was holding, her regret palpable. If only she had tried better to stop him and make him come home, none of this would have happened. Maybe they would have been running a café somewhere, maybe they could have spent more time together. Maybe it was her fault for being so stupid.

She clenched her teeth, willing herself not to cry. “B-because of that, t-the next time P-papa and I met, he didn’t r-remember me.”

It was surreal, she almost dropped whatever she was holding then, as she saw him again for the first time in years. Emotions flooded and welled inside her at the sight of Ken, but it broke her that he couldn’t remember. It took all her willpower not to breakdown, both relief and sadness overcoming her and making her weak on the knees as he exited the café. She gritted her teeth and clenched her shaking fist as she tried to hold herself back - a lone, silent tear making itself known to her. She wanted to scream and go for him, to tell him that she was there. She had been waiting all this time. “Mama built a place for him to return, and he did. Mama was so h-happy when h-he did.”

Touka put one hand to her face, fist clenched at the thought of how much it hurt to remember him. He had changed her life so much in the small amount of time they were together, and opened her eyes to the things that really mattered. In a way, she could say that he saved her. “But y-your P-papa is an idiot, always w-wanting to d-die to p-protect the people he l-loves. It took M-mama a l-long time to m-make him r-realize that he is l-loved, b-but it was t-too late.”

Flashback after flashback after flashback.

Bullets. Blood.

A body protecting her. A strangled voice who wanted nothing more to live, but instead choking out words to make sure she did.

Some last tears. A name. A last smile.

His last breath.

She was always too late. In a world filled with hate, he saved her from its wrath. Would anyone blame her if she wanted to erase that painful night from her memory? He had died in her arms; Touka held him, caressed his peaceful face. She was there to see him smile his last, she was there to see his eyes turn into glassy orbs - lifeless, as his heart stopped beating, as he stopped breathing. She couldn’t save him.

Teeth gritted as she held back her pain, her heart-wrenching moans reverberating from her withering form.

‘The world is wrong,’ she thought.

Ken wasn’t perfect - he had his share of misgivings, he wasn’t a saint. He killed a lot of people, he was also a selfish idiot. And yet, Ken wanted to change the world for the better and she knew that he had good intentions, he would speak of them to her.. And this perception changed a lot when he realized that she was with child, and along with this change was him finally finding out how much he wanted this for himself as well – a future.

Silent tears and muffled sobs, that was what composed her every night as she was reminded of everything again and again. But today it was different, today she wanted to tell her child who his father was and why Touka loved him. “P-papa didn’t even g-go with M-mama on a date. We m-married h-hastily and M-mama was so s-scared that he did it b-because we were having you.”

And yet it wasn’t the case, it seemed. Through blurry eyes, she took the crumpled paper and opened it, fingertips going through each letter of the two sentences he wrote. Her heart skipped a beat as she finally let go, her muffled sobs turning into full time cry. She promised herself that her child would grow up knowing his father, even if it would hurt her to remember. They grew up in a world starved by love, it was in it that they found each other. She was happy that at least, he left a part of him with her, a part of them.

“Mama and Papa loves you so much.”

She clung into his sweater, a part of him that always comforted her, a part of him that was still present at least. She drew strength in it, because it kept her warm. Now at least, it reminded her that there were good things that happened, even if the tragedy struck. Because Ken taught her a lot about life, taught her to be braver. Everywhere she was, she hoped he would be there. He would always be in her heart.

Because he taught her that life was good and it was always worth living, at least for a while.

So once again, she would hope.

“Thank you, Kazuki.”

#tokyo ghoul #fanfic #touken #kanetou #angst #smut #ayato kirishima #touka kirishima #ken kaneki #My writing #arvendell #dreich #Will the angst ever end #Hehe never

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