#artisanal hallucinogenic chocolates

[unspoken-realities]

T-minus two days to day one

August 31, 2019: my first day alone on campus at SFU before classes began, ready to take on the world and explore my independence.

Started out the day well-fed from chocolates to my satisfaction the night before; emptied out easily, limbered up, and ran around campus before anyone was awake… Got both lost and found. Started slow, felt sluggish, but ended up forty minutes later empowered after some hills, then a post-run stretch with lunges. Raccoons scaling the side of Shell House and making a complete racket.

Shower, played glorious, sweet and rich caramel chords and Bolero and honks on my sax for the first time freely in years and years… oh god, the feeling. Fiddled around on the computer until hunger urged me to the dining hall… where I ate. I didn’t really think too hard, just chose items.. A muffin, yogurt with fruit, one turkey sausage. Sat down at an already-occupied table and met three new people over the course of two servings of breakfast (went back for french toast with butter and jam, more fruit, cottage cheese, turkey sausage, pork sausage… living the life). Stirling, Sarah who studies psych and has been institutionalized for mental health, and … was it Katelyne? From Saskatchewan.

Fiddled around on computer more.

Granville island trip… on bus ride met more and more and more people by virtue of socializing and introducing myself!! Pearson, 2nd year poli-sci; Elijah, first year BPK from Colorado, Farhan, other dudes, so many people..

Lunch after a long bus ride at Granville island, pizza. Unplanned. Chosen and payed for spontaneously, amongst others. Delicious and greasy and cheesy and maybe undeserved as ED would say, especially after stagnancy and a big breakfast? But it felt… natural, and allowed. Somehow.

Met up with Chantal too, introduced her to Elijah, watched a street performer/magician supplementing his UBC tuition with his work. Racy and racial and politically charged jokes. Chantal and her fluffy hair and mature dialogue with the artisans, the broom-makers and forgers of steel and glass.

Departure, emotionally managing another long bus ride, conversation with someone new (Pearson), paying a fare.

Walked around campus briefly, pulled out money to pay for textbooks via buy-and-sell instead of (at-the-time closed) bookstore, retrieved info for online survey promising $40, schedule for rec this fall, and blood donation info. Will i donate? Can i? I want to..

And then… for no reason, except I wanted to, stopped at the dining hall for my third meal within (who even cares), 8 hours? Unplanned, but had some idea to just grab a snack and head out, with dinner later, but ran into Lauren, Victor, more ppl from Granville Island/res that I knew. Also introduced myself to Smiling Boy Whom I’ve Witnessed Weight Lifting (Max). so, actually had a full proper meal: pasta casserole, garlic bread, cheese scone, spinach. Man, eating what I want is So. Easy. here, no worries, no meal prep or calorie labels or anything, just food and a plate and it’s in my mouth and I’m Moving On.

Unfortunately though, food in res room. Mars bar, ENTIRE chocolate bar, almonds, couscous with tuna (yuck) immediately after supper. Water and water and purging (or trying) and fullness and sadness and reading Life Without Ed and wondering if I’m isolating.

I wasn’t; I just wasn’t interested in the scavenger hunt. Relaxed and regrouped, then hunted (ran around campus like decapitated chicken) for my classes instead. Found them. Will be a fun week!

Open mic night. Low key. No expectations, planned on ditching early to sleep or chill or whatever, and kinda stood alone for a while. Then sat with Elijah and new people, witnessed pathetic singing. When a group got up and advertised Obla-di Obla-da and absolutely blatantly butchered it, I couldn’t help but cringe…. I got up. I went up during the performance (with another girl, albeit.) I sang in front of a huge crowd of people I didn’t even know and I killed it and they thanked me and other people said “awesome” and I felt. Great.

Feeding my soul, my body, my brain; challenging and evolving my soul, my body, my brain.

Met Spencer from the band I upstaged, from Colorado studying criminology b/c that’s all his grades could afford. Weird, but we sang ELO together and does it really matter anyway?

Finally some awesome female singers with voices smooth and melodious, despite shyness, who I both spoke to later to let them know the impact of their hymns.

Sage suggesting Northern Light gazing, yeah of course I’ll do that. Elijah going too, and Sage with her tan skin speckled with body glitter and (she claims) out-of-character outgoingness, who studies Communications but frankly a bit of everything. On the way down to the field we lost a lot of the group but met new SFU people, Max from Sweden in Health Sci, another Sage in BPK, Stirling again who meditates and used to do heavy hallucinogenics. That one tall, lanky swimmer guy just munching on a whole box of Frosted Flakes, Farhan with his tiny guitar, skinny dude with his backpack, and me.

And the stars

No Northern Lights.

But meditation attempts and gentle chords and quiet conversation and grass stuck to my legs, then a walk back with Elijah and now bed time.

I’m content and tired and my back hurts.

Still contemplating the status of my meals tomorrow and over-morrow and while studying but after scavenging my class routes perhaps adequate nutrition will be mandatory for stamina to sprint for punctuality… still contemplating how healthy or sick to be for Sept 9 doctors appts or for seeing myself in the mirrors or for my clothes fitting or for my bones, hair, brain, and future…

But we’ll have to see

Today was good