#art is how i destress. art is how i express myself. i am so fucking worked to the bone that i cant do my usual destressing. and that sucks.

[theeternalseptember]

like ive only gotten a handful of sketches and one (1) finished piece out this month. and that sucks to me. that sucks. thats far below par.

[pepprs]

[DONT RB] ok so there’s no way for me to talk abt this that isn’t gonna make me look like an absolute dumbass but im in the middle of a creative existential crisis and i rly need help figuring it out :•( this is gonna get SUPER LONG so im putting it under a readmore. thank u to anyone who reads this!!! and double thank u to anyone who can give some input / advice, i rly rly appreciate it. im sorry abt the length!

aight so for some background.... ive been drawing n writing poetry for abt 5 yrs now and both of those things r rly important to me. in school im an english major w a creative writing minor (for the poetry) and i work as a graphic designer (for the art) so ive been growing a lot as an artist and writer esp in the past 2 yrs and im kinda workin towards one or the other (or ideally both somehow!) as a career. one of the biggest dreams ive had since i started seriously pursuing both of these hobbies 5 yrs ago is to publish a book of poetry that i design / illustrate myself, and also to have a portfolio online where ppl can read all of my poetry and see all of my artwork (both professional / work stuff but also archives of all of my sketchbooks since those r rly important to me!!!) and maybe even make some sort of online shop where ppl can buy my art (stickers, keychains, etc!) and my poetry books!

that sounds pretty simple right? WRONG!!!!!! why? bc im a fucking idiot! and there are several dumb things i do that make this dream completely impossible for me to achieve! love that for me!

so for starters... ive been posting (almost) all of my art and ALL of my poetry online for all 5 yrs ive been creating it. that’s bad because:

ive hardly ever used my real name (which i would want to use for the book / shop / portfolio), it’s been under my usernames / aliases that go along w them (p*pe, pep, pea, etc and related usernames that shall not be mentioned) and i started going by my real first name only abt a yr ago, but still maintain those usernames for the most part in conjunction w my real name

my work has been primarily been posted to d*viantart and tumblr which aren’t exactly the most uh... professional places to do that. not that there rly are many i guess lmao but still

my online persona on these platforms is rly like. lax and loose which is Cool And Quirky when brought into a professional setting if it’s done right i guess.... but im just immature and unprofessional. i swear all the time, i shitpost constantly, im incessantly tmi? and that’s not even it like it’s just a whole mess!

SO there’s that whole set of problems and like im just concerned because... i stopped posting art online last yr for the most part and a lot of the old stuff that’s on dA (since that was rly where i did it most) is bad and not worth sharing like that anyways, so im not as worried abt that. but my poetry.... i still actively post that online in all my messiness and candidness here and like. it’s rly not that hard to find me? like if u copy a poem of mine and put it in google it’ll pull up my dA right away! and that’s like.... GOD i just am embarrassed for anyone irl to see that or for that to be connected with my irl / professional self in the future, but i don’t want to stop posting my work there (or here!!!!!) bc the community is so supportive and ive made some rly good connections / built a lot of traction over the 5 yrs ive been doing it. (PLUS for the online portfolio i wanna do specifically... i kinda want to post all of my art and poetry there, like everything ive ever done (specifically poetry, ive written almost 500 poems over the 5 yrs ive been doing it!), but i feel like that’s not rly the most professional thing to do and idk how to even gauge whether it is or not :-/)

but that’s not all!!!! because there’s another part to this and that is: the very nature of the content i produce is Not Good! for my art it’s not as much of a problem bc since I work as an artist rn a lot of what i make is professional, but for my personal art... a lot of that is either self portraits or my characters and a lot of my characters are like. animals. like specifically pepe (who is basically Me As A Cat).... i draw her constantly and so much of my best work is of her but it’s just like? embarrassing i guess for my ocs to take up so much of my portfolio and sketchbooks and stuff and share that. like i know everyone has characters and it’s not bad to do that and share that but i feel like ppl will judge me :-( so it’s made me rly hesitant to post stuff to my art ig for example bc i just don’t fucking know how to act, like it’s bad enough that i can’t type the way i want to and i have to type in proper caps n whatever instead bc irls i don’t know / trust as well follow me (including some ppl from work? Yikes?)....... but i feel like i can’t share my sketchbook stuff for example bc it’s all cats and my characters and visual shitposts and im uncomfy to share that bc like... im almost 20 and i don’t want ppl to think im immature or whatever? i kno i should feel like it’s my account and i can post wot i want but like. i fucking can’t bro i just can’t!!

and THEN.... my poetry. that’s the biggie bc like for my art? even tho im uncomfortable i don’t mind sharing that w ppl i know irl but for my POETRY.... it’s very easy to find like where i share that i guess? (the google thing i mentioned earlier but also its linked to my art on here and dA too... f) but i literally never actively share my writing w irl ppl unless im performing @ an open mic or workshopping in class bc im fucking terrified of the possibility of irl ppl finding my poetry. it’s almost ironic how public ive been w it online but how private i am abt it irl... it’s like im living a double life and it’s fucking terrible but it’s the only way i feel safe. bc like art is what i do for other ppl and also to destress and vent when i need a quick fix on my own time. but poetry.... that’s personal, it’s where i feel most like myself, it’s how i talk abt my life and ppl in it and make meaning of things and talk abt things authentically and Get Deep. and my literal worst nightmare is for ppl (who have the explicit ability to by virtue of Knowing Me) to read into it and Understand what im talking abt and have that power over me and see me differently for feeling the way i do or doing what i do. ive actually already been burned by this before after my mom read some work of mine that had been published irl (i don’t want to get too into it but basically i retroactively outed myself thru her reading that poem for what it was and it was Very Very Bad) and as paranoid abt it as i was before, it’s even worse now that it’s actually happened to me and could happen again at any time, esp if i decide to take my work further.

that manifests in a few ways too, like my writing is so cryptic and vague and very heavy on metaphors / symbolism and shit partially out of that deep fear and need to shield myself and my work. sometimes in spaces where i do feel comfy sharing, ppl have a hard time understanding my poetry unless i give context. online and on stage and in workshop ppl don’t rly know me outside of a context where the only thing we have in common is self expression thru poetry, so i don’t rly mind sharing more when it’s appropriate. but if i were to share my work as a book or w/e, ppl im close to (who maybe don’t always think like a poet / artist does bc they aren’t that) would want to buy it and read it and might ask abt what it means and i don’t even know what i would do in that situation. and if ppl were to read my work and see themselves / others in it, whether it is abt them or not, im scared it could genuinely damage relationships like it did with my mom.

SO UH.... idk where im going w this rly, i kno it’s long and rambly and melodramatic and im probably overthinking it and making a mountain out of a molehill and nobody even knows / cares abt me AND my work @ the same time enough to read That Deep into it. but it just fucking sucks that im so uncomfortable and insecure that i can’t comfortably fulfill literally the one single long term goal / life dream that i have. andthe thing that sucks is i can’t talk to Anybody abt this except like... my sister and brother bc they’re the only ppl i genuinely tell everything to, but they don’t have the knowledge and expertise abt art / poetry that like... my poetry prof does, for example. and my poetry prof is one of the best ppl ive ever met and the Only person ive ever met irl who respects and understands my poetry in the exact way i need someone to. she and i have been talking and she rly wants to help me publish my poetry bc she sees merit in my work and knows how bad i want to / how successful it’s been already, but i don’t know how to talk abt this to her bc im embarrassed to tell her abt posting online and being ashamed abt my muses and all that and it just!!! sucks so much bc i kinda want to publish my work @ least once before i graduate and do it semi regularly for the rest of my life? but there’s so much in my way and it’s just! FGGFHDGJGGGG

[just-symphony-stuff]

ALRIGHT LET'S CHANGE IT UP!

Im kind of in a weird mood lately where i suddenly have a lot of mental life changes (??? Is that even the right way to say it idk lmao) but they're good! I think im getting into a better mindset then i was at the start of ??? Idk when it started to get bad actually. Like where did this came from, I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THESE FUCKING FEELINGS OKAY?!?!?

Anyways

This weird mood swing really made me think differently. In the past (lol past, it's like a few weeks ago) i was thinking about how i had to do so much for school and questioning if it was even worth it. BUT i never thought about how to fix it. Quee this weird fucking mind thing and now understand it better.

So i had this problem since graduation from high school that in my new school, it's expected of you to do a lot of things independently. My mind was kinda shook and all i could think was if i even was going to make it. Then, instead of thinking what i should do while doing my best to relax with old methods, i did what i was needed to do and changed my methods of relaxing.

I made a list of all the things i needed to do and i could see that it wasn't actually that much, but it was if you counted it up without any plan. I have 6 things which i have 3 done for already, 1 started and 1 which doesn't really take a lot of time to do. Now i just need to plan 2 weeks and im set. Then im of for another period of ten weeks to plan which will be so much better i can tell. This list actually really helped me see what i needed to do and calmed me down.

I made a plan on what to do with my urge to writing!

Like i did with things for school i made a list of my ideas, not counting it in my head. And i kind of see what is causing my frustration: I only have big projects. I know it's a tendency of mine, dreaming big but never doing anything, but i think i have found a way to slowly make this happen! What i wanna do is to begin low, just a quick one-shots of something funny/sad/making-you-feel-lovey-dovey with no weight at all. Then slowly move up the bar. A multiple chapter story with only a few chapters. And keep progressing up with the difficullty.

And i need to just post. No need to overthink it, just post, take the critism (and praise, never focus on negative only!) and the next will be better.

So with that out of the way:

Do you have any prompt for me to write to?

As i said i only really focus on big projects so i don't have any really small ones. I think if i got send an prompt and limit myself to that it would be an easy way to progress in both writing and building small ideas.

Now onto the relaxing things!

I used game and read a lot to destress and ir worked well in the past but it isn't working anymore. With gaming i don't have a lot games that interest me anymore and reading gives me the urge to make a story, but then i have to make it as good as this one and it needs to be--

You get what it mean...

So i make plans with my friends from high school. As i mentioned, i graduated from high school and now me and my small friend group all go to different schools. We haven't really seen eachother irl since then but we text alot.

So now that i had a small week off, and normally i would of spend my time 'relaxing' i had a different kind of holiday with my family. We had 3 days to explore the whole of Texel and we did. Monday we arrived, Tuesday to Thursday we went to city's/towns and friday we went back. Almost no sitting still, we usually stopped because we had to think about our dog and we wanted to eat dinner at the little home we rented. And it took my mind of things!

So now me and my friends (i have a really weird urges to express all my friends from that group are female and i am male, idk i guess i feel more comfortable talking to them, they are my best friends) are going to ice skate! YAAAAAS OMG! I've had the urge to go ice skating since April but i couldn't because the rink nearby closes in spring/summer. (Maybe if im really into it i could go into skating lessons??? It'll be the same for my horse riding, it calms me alot, repeatedly doing something that is. God i haven't ridden an horse since i moved and that was 6 months ago, damn maybe that feeling made me feel like this) And now i am a complete figyre skating freak and i need to watch these people make art with their bodies!

I think thats all i wanted to express while having the urge to make this pkst so let's end this.

So anyway, send me prompts and thank you for reading it this far and not leave! It nice to know you cared 😊

Ps i almost wanted to say 'im sorry for the long rant' but i felt this was more negative then i actually wrote down, see what a difference it makes.

Pps wow this went from one subject to another didn't it.

[la-luna-del-lupo]

1 - 100

Sorry anon! I just now saw this! Here you go! I hope these were the right ones.

1: My name?  Billie

2: Do I have any nicknames? Not really.

3: Zodiac sign? I’m on the Leo/ Virgo cusp.

4: Video game I play to chill, not to win? Grand Theft Auto lol

5: Book/series I reread? I don’t read as much as I should, but probably the Looking Glass Wars.

6: Aliens or ghosts? Aliens, definitely.

7: Writer I trust enough to read whatever they write? J. K. Rowling

8: Favourite radio station? 104.9 The X (a rock radio station)

9: Favourite flavour of anything? Strawberry

10: The word that I use all the time to describe something great? Awesome

11: Favourite song? Doomed by Bring Me the Horizon

12: The question you ask new friends to get to know them better? I like to play 20 questions and just ask a series of questions, usually starting with: “What is your favorite music/TV show/movie?”

13: Favourite word? Fuck/Fucking..etc lol

14: The last person who hurt me, did I forgive them? Yes, I did

15: Last song I listened to? A Single Moment of Clarity (Stepped up and Scratched version) - Asking Alexandria

16: TV show I always recommend? Sherlock

17: Pirates or ninjas? Pirates for life

18: Movie I watch when I’m feeling down? The Rocky Horror Picture Show

19: Song that I always start my shuffle with/wake-up song/always-on-a-loop song? Blasphemy by Bring Me The Horizon

20: Favourite video games? Life Is Strange, Limbo, Alice: The Madness Returns, Slender, and The Last of Us

21: What am I most afraid of? Losing the ones closest to me, and falling from high places.

22: A good quality of mine? My creativity

23: A bad quality of mine? My mood swings

24: Cats or dogs? I love both, but dogs

25: Actor/actress you trust enough to watch whatever they’re in? Keanu Reeves and Nicole Kidman

26: Favourite season? Fall

27: Am I in a relationship? Yes

28: Something I miss? My baby dog :(

29: My best friend? @lookingglasswolf

30: Eye colour? Blue

31: Hair colour? Dark brown

32: Someone I love? all of my friends

33: Someone I trust? My best friend

34: Someone I always think about? My love

35: Am I excited about anything? Seeing Green Day and Bring Me The Horizon in March!

36: My current obsession? Harley Quinn and Slytherin stuff

37: Favourite TV shows as a child? Scooby-Doo, Care Bears

38: Do I have someone of the opposite sex that I can tell everything to? No, not right now.

39: Am I superstitious? A little. But not with black cats. they are beautiful babies.

40: What do I think about most? The future.

41: Do I have any strange phobias? Worms getting under my skin or inside me somehow…

42: Do I prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? Behind it, for sure.

43: Favourite hobbies? Playing bass, or video games.

44: Last book I read? Witch of the Sea

45: Last film I watched? Madoka Magica

46: Do I play any instruments? Bass guitar

47: Favourite animal? Lemur

48: Top 5 blog on Tumblr that I follow? @im-the-hella-wolfstargazer @gstringofsuburbia @mikedirnts-sideburns @lookingglasswolf @love-intertwined

49: Superpower I wish I could have? Teleportation

50: How do I destress? Sleep or write or listen to music

51: Do I like confrontation? Not at all, I will avoid it at all costs

52: When do I feel most at peace? When I am outside on a warm, windy day, just sitting and enjoying the scenery.

53: What makes me smile? My friends, and learning a new song on the bass.

54: Do I sleep with the lights on or off? Off. I can’t stand it when they’re on.

55: Play any sports? No

56: What is my song of the week? Too Dumb To Die by Green Day

57: Favourite drink? Vanilla Coke, or Tea

58: When did I last send a handwritten letter to somebody? It’s been years, but I wish I could again

59: Afraid of heights? Very much

60: Pet peeve? Bone cracking

61: What was the last concert I went to see? A small show for a little band called Piss Shivers

62: Am I vegetarian/vegan/pescatarian? I wish I was

63: What occupation did I want to do when I was younger? I wanted to be a comic book artist

64: Have I ever had a friend turn enemy? Yes, and I hate that it happened

65: What fictional universe would I like to be a part of? The Wizarding world of Harry Potter

66: Something I worry about? The future more than anything\

67: Scared of the dark? Not usually

68: Who are my best friends? Carlie, and Ashley

69: What do I admire most about others? Their kindness or bravery

70: Can I sing? Not very well

71: Something I wish I could do? Play more and better music

72: If I won the lottery, what would I do? Move to California and finish school there 

73: Have I ever skipped school? Many times

74: Favourite place on the planet? The beach

75: Where do I want to live? in the bay area of California

76: Do I have any pets? A small dog named Charlie

77: What is my current desktop picture? Max and Chloe from Life is Strange

78: Early bird or night owl? Night Owl

79: Sunsets or sunrise? Sunsets

80: Can I drive? Yes

81: Story behind my last kiss? They playfully got in my face so I kissed them lol

82: Earphones or headphones? Any that are readily available lol

83: Have I ever had braces? No, I never needed them

84: Story behind one of my scars? I was born three months early, and I had to have a hole closed in my lung. It runs from my side to my back on my upper left side.

85: Favourite genre of music? Punk Rock

86: Who is my hero? Billie Joe Armstrong

87: Favourite comic book character? Harley Quinn

88: What makes me really angry? People who hate other people for reasons such as race, gender, or sexuality

89: Kindle or real book? Real book

90: Favourite sporty activity? Hiking

91: What is one thing that isn’t taught in schools that should be? How to file taxes, simple car fixes, budget, cook quick easy meals

92: What was my favourite subject at school? Art

93: Siblings? One half brother, one sister in law, and two step sisters

94: What was the last thing I bought? A slytherin cardigan

95: How tall am I? 5′ 3″

96: Can I cook? Not really unless it’s breakfast foods

97: Can I bake? I love baking! but I can’t do anything fancy.

98: 3 things I love? Music, Freedom to express myself, and Animals

99: 3 things I hate? Fish touching me in the water, anxiety, and not being more active

100: Do I have more girl friends or boy friends? right now it’s boys