#art and creation really is about baring your soul to the world and it's honestly a little terrifying

[zedif-y]

"wow the emotions in this feel so REAL" thanks i yanked that out from my ribcage for the world to see

[blujayonthewing]

Every day I see you tag stuff with your ocs and honestly Melliwyck, as a name, has been trapped in my head, bouncing around my braincells, ever since I first saw it. Please tell me about Melliwyck!!

:D Melliwyk is my dnd gnome wizard/ artificer! Her campaign setting is a series of floating islands whose origins [were] shrouded in mystery; no knowledge of anything from before the creation of the Vault or what's underneath the permanent cloud layer below it existed on the Vault, and part of the knowledge that was lost to the world was how to craft magic items, which has been Melliwyk's lifelong area of study (primary focus hands-on experimental magic, with a side focus on historical research). Now that we've FOUND a lot of the lost knowledge, including people who know about magic item creation and were happy to teach us, she's up to her eyeballs in the ACTUAL plot of the campaign which is 'oh hey all the mysteries are because of Big Complicated Conspiracies and, surprise, the party is Destined to be smack in the middle of literally all of them' lmao. The good news is she loves solving mysteries: the bad news is she's currently a bit overburdened with them and the stakes are, like, fate of the world and everyone's literal souls, aaahah :'D

She's very intelligent but generally has more curiosity and gumption than common sense, and tends to get herself into precarious situations-- although being with the party has tempered that a little bit, now that she has a) other people to tell her not to do a thing and b) some perspective on the concept of consequences that aren't just personal.

Mel's usually friendly, and has a sort of genially laid-back demeanor and a somewhat wry sense of humor-- but she's not great at personal relationships because she spends most of her time absorbed in her work, tinkering on projects or working on theories or studying her notes and barely coming up for food, let alone socializing. Prior to the campaign, she spent a lot of time completely alone doing the Fantasy!Mad Scientist thing, so apart from her familiar, Baxter, the party are the first actual friends she's had in a really long time, and even that feels tenuous sometimes.

UM I could theoretically ramble all day without even saying anything that's actually interesting jgkhkddjgh so for now-- HERE is a handful of relevant Fun Facts about her for an ask from jules antiquesymbolism and HERE is her tag on my art blog :3

ALSO I'm delighted you like her name, or at least that it got stuck in your brain hehe :3c I came up with it by pulling random bananagrams tiles and rearranging them until I had a list of possible names I liked :D Her full official name at present is Melliwyk Truthseeker Pinsky Louise Arlinetta Darinia Berenockt 😁

[whatcouldgowrong-ohthat]

Hi! I saw you had request open, so I was wondering if you could write Bucky reacting to overhearing someone tell his starving artist friend that their work doesn't mean anything? It can be in head canon style or an actual fic, whichever you prefer. Thank you!

The Artist and the Baker

Pairing: baker!Bucky x artist!Reader

Word Count: 2601 words

Warnings: This is fluff. Mutual pining, that sorta thing, guys.

A/N: I honestly really love this request especially with everything going on. I think it’s very common for people to take artists and creators for granted and I have certainly been on the receiving end of that treatment. 

I hope you like this. It was fun to make, but I’m sorry if it wasn’t quite what you were looking for.

-.-.-.-

Becca’s Needs for the Soul – a two story creation that was well-loved and adored by anyone who passed through the splatter painted door. Most people never understood the name, not even her brother, Bucky. Until Rebecca asked him to co-own and start working at the establishment. His little sister, always full of dramatics, had created something for everybody.

It was a coffee shop and a bakery.

A bookstore and a gallery.

They even had nights where people came in to perform music, standup, anything the heart desired. There were other days where artists from around would come and paint, sometimes provide lessons for kids, and other days there was simply nothing but quiet.

It took no time for Rebecca’s little hole in the wall to become one of the community’s favorites. Especially when her brother and his two friends came on. They had gotten it down to a science really.

Rebecca would come in, organizing the bookstore, managing everything behind the scenes, and setting up any special events that would come up. Whenever it was time to decorate the store for holidays? Or even something seasonal that came to mind? She spent even more time out with the customers instead of behind the scenes.

And when she brought in her brother and two hunks to keep people company? It was a genius plan on her part. Especially when female customers spiked. But she would never admit that maybe that had been a smidgen of the plan all along. No, her real reasoning was for the boys. They needed something simple after returning from their second and final tour.

So she stuck two of them behind the counter. Her older brother often spent most days tucked back in the kitchen creating God knows what, but it always smelled wonderful. Any time he came out of his little hole, it was usually to help man the register while Sam slacked because he was flirting with too many customers.

But that was to be expected when Sam was the coffee guy. He was always creating new Holiday specials, deciding the best coffee beans for purchase, and trying something different. No one ever knew what it would be, but normally the smell of coffee and something filled the store.

And Steve? Well, he was one of the store’s more popular artists. He didn’t “officially” work for them, but he spent enough time there where people started nicknaming him the “curator”. He was the one who usually brought in new artists.

That was how Y/N had become part of their little group.

She was a photographer, but Bucky would always say it was more than that. For those who hired her, she found a way to make sure they were comfortable in front of the camera. Y/N always said she understood being nervous because of her own curvy figure, but Bucky just saw how she glowed. And her work that she put here? It wasn’t just portraits or landscapes. She had a way of combining paint and photos to create a way of reminding the world that imagination and reality were always linked. While Sam and Steve teased her for focusing on events to pay the bills, Bucky was the one who asked about which works she had planned.

With a smile and paint in her hair or staining her nails, she would tell him. Her eyes would sparkle with excitement that could only come from being an artist. She was so animated with her words, hands flying about and often looking like she belonged in some sort of cartoon. Her cheeks would always flush when she would realize how fast she was talking or how much louder she spoke.

But he never minded.

He liked having a friend who got so excited about her work. It was a different sort of excitement than Steve. The blonde was always smiling and had that same spark, but he was infinitely calmer compared to Y/N. Their artwork matched their personalities. Steve’s were extravagant and beautiful pencil sketches of people – raw and honest and revealing something that no one else could see but him. Y/N’s were stunning and extraordinary paint and photos – raw in a way that reminded the world to see what they were missing.

Their creations often balanced the walls of Rebecca’s shop. At least they did during the times Steve’s work wasn’t flying off the walls. It was that popularity that had him drawing at the shop. He often invited Y/N, telling her that people not only wanted to buy their work, but they wanted to watch their creativity.

Still, her best work came from the privacy of her own home.

Every week she brought in something new. Something special.

And today was no different.

The rules for artists selling their work were simple. They decided the prices. They worked the transactions. The shop itself provided a place to see the work, but took no percentage. They didn’t interfere.

These were unspoken rules that everyone managed to follow because…well, it made sense.

Until this guy – arrogant and irritating and looking to buy art. Sam had nicknamed him “Sweater vest.”

He had come in like any other day, ordering some tea before complaining that it was “too hot” and “too watered down”. It made Sam’s blood boil not because it was a complaint, but because it was the same order and same complaint every time. And every time, it was those complaints that kept him from tipping anything.

Even if he finished his tea and stuck around for a couple hours every damn time, admiring the artwork, fingering through books, but never buying anything other than his “not good enough” tea.

Sam’s too-big smile was still in place as he watched Sweater vest take a seat next to Y/N’s newest work. Both men glanced at the painting, but for entirely different reasons. Sam did because he couldn’t wait for Bucky to see it. Sweater vest did because today was going to be his first official purchase. And Sam hated that the artwork on the wall had to go to -

“Sweater vest is back.” Sam spat as the kitchen door closed behind him.

Bucky looked up, setting down the dozen cookies that had just come out of the oven. He knew exactly which customer Sam was griping about, always finding it entertaining that someone had managed to get under his skin. “And?”

“And he’s buying Y/N’s new painting,” Sam harrumphed, leaning against the nearest counter as Bucky started decorating a cake.

Bucky paused when he heard that, cursing when he messed up the piping. Setting the instrument aside, he carefully wiped away his mistake and glanced at Sam. Oh, he wanted to wipe that smug smirk off his face. “You’re point?”

“Nothing. I’m just surprised you haven’t gone and looked at it yet.”

“I’ve been a little busy,” Bucky said, gesturing to the creations that covered the counters.

Sam bit his tongue, barely able to hide his laugh. So that’s why there was so much flour on Bucky’s cheeks and in his hair. “Trade ya.”

“Your hands are too shaky. You’d screw these up.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Fine, whatever, but – “

Sam’s sentence died on his lips when he heard shouting coming from the front. Bucky glanced up, ears recognizing Y/N’s voice. The two men shared a look, muttering, “Sweater vest,” before rushing out of the kitchen.

Y/N’s new painting was off the wall and at her feet, tucked behind her as if she was a mama bear protecting her cub. They’d never seen Y/N angry before. Passionate, sure, but never angry. Anger was something she never seemed to reach.

Until today.

“The painting is decent, but it doesn’t mean anything. And I’m not paying three hundred bucks for something that has no meaning.”

“Then why the fuck did you waste my time asking about it?”

“Because I thought you would come to your senses and accept a more reasonable offer.”

“And what do you think would be a reasonable offer?”

“Fifty sounds more than reasonable. And I would be doing you a favor with my connections.”

“Fifty bucks and exposure?”

Bucky and Sam moved fast, knowing that tone of venom and irritation. Sam grabbed the painting, moving it out of the way as Y/N launched herself at Sweater vest, ready to tear him a new one. Bucky wrapped his arm around her waist, putting himself between her and the idiot. “Y/N, breathe…”

“Let me tell you this,” Y/N snapped at Sweater vest, pointing at him around Bucky’s arm. “I would rather never sell another piece of work than listen to your drivel for another moment!”

Sam placed a hand on her arm, tugging her back. “Y/N, let’s go to the kitchen,” he told her, talking to her as if she was a small child that needed to be calmed. He steered her behind the counter as he assured her, “Bucky just finished making some cookies. I’m sure we can steal a couple while he takes out the trash.” Sam glanced over his shoulder, giving Bucky a thumbs up of encouragement.

While Y/N might be completely oblivious to Bucky’s feelings for her, Sam was far from it. And he was completely sure that Bucky would have no problem fixing this situation. He just wished he had a camera to record everything.

Maybe he could borrow the security footage from Rebecca’s cameras.

When the kitchen door closed again, Bucky turned to Sweater vest. He straightened, coming to his full height and towering over the man. It seemed his large build was a firm reminder that Rebecca had ex-military working here because Sweater vest calmed rather quickly.

“I’m so sorry for disturbing the establishment. Artists tend to be a little soft-hearted when it comes to critiques.”

“Not if the critique is asked for,” Bucky told him, taking a step forward as Sweater vest took a step back. Though everyone had avoided looking at Y/N’s and Sweater vest’s argument, all eyes were curiously watching the baker that was often far more quiet than he was now. “Y/N is one of our favorite artists. Her work and company are always welcome in our establishment.”

“O – Our? I thought this shop was owned by a woman…a Ms. Rebecca Barnes.”

“It’s co-owned,” Bucky assured him, offering his best customer service smile.

“By…?”

“Her brother.” He held out his hand. “James Barnes.”

Sweater vest swallowed thickly, throat bobbing nervously as he took Bucky’s hand. The strength in Bucky’s handshake was enough to make him wince, barely able to withhold a cry of pain. Bucky’s other hand, a heavy and metal prosthetic, squeezed his shoulder and earned a cringe.

“While Becca’s Needs for the Soul is open to anyone, we take great pride in reminding our artists that this is their community first and foremost. So you? Are banned.”

Another step and Sweater vest was stumbling through the front door, his shoulder and hand released. “I – “

“Have a nice day.”

The door clanged shut with a ring from the bell. Bucky watched Sweater vest recover, smoothing himself out and making himself presentable once again before he turned and walked away. Bucky shook his head, turning back to the rest of the shop. They all stared at him as if he had grown a second head, never having seen Bucky so outspoken or protective before.

“Show’s over.” Everyone looked back at Sam who was standing in the kitchen doorway. It seemed that was all that was needed for everyone to go back to what they were doing. Sam grinned, asking, “So I could’ve had Sweater vest banned weeks ago if I just…”

“Shut up.” Bucky walked back to Y/N’s painting, picking it up and finally looking at it for the first time. He was…shocked.

It was a full painting – Y/N’s first.

The person was solid black, a shadow with only their eyes visible to the viewer. What he guessed was blue watercolor filled the subject’s irises. Around the person’s outline, breaking through its barrier – endless skies, constellations, galaxies – all messy and brilliant and bold. The paint was thicker, heavier there. He could make out every thick stroke of the person’s figure, of the world around it. Deeper blues, yellows, purples, greens – colors no one would expect to see from a night sky…were there. It was fathomless, endless, and the longer he looked, the more he found something new. She wasn’t connecting the mind, but the eyes, the soul, to the rest of the world.

And that idiot had the balls to say there was no meaning to this?

“I wonder who her inspiration was,” Sam teased, leaning against the counter as Bucky looked over his shoulder.

Bucky stayed silent, hanging the painting back where it belonged. Instead of commenting or over thinking it, he went back into the kitchen. There, sitting on the counter, was Y/N with a cup of coffee and a couple cookies. An apologetic smile curled her lips as she set the plate and mug down.

“Thank you for…that,” she finished lamely, gesturing to the door.

Bucky shrugged. “It’s no problem. You’re my friend.”

Y/N smiled hearing that. She had always wondered if Bucky looked at her as a friend and hearing that he did, it made her heart flutter in a weird sort of way. “Do you…need me to go?”

He shook his head, already returning to the cake he was decorating. The sooner he finished it, the sooner he could put it out to sell. He stood close to her; his eyes focused intently on his creation as Y/N watched him. She loved seeing him in his element. Though he would never admit it, his own creations were art. He poured so much of himself and his love in each dessert.

And it was adorable. But friends didn’t say things like that, so Y/N stayed silent. She was content with this, happy.

Silence fell so easily between them. There was a level of comfort in this moment that couldn’t be replicated by her friendships with Sam or Steve or Rebecca. It was Bucky being Bucky and Y/N being Y/N. Exactly what the other needed.

And neither had any sort of idea that Sam and Steve were watching them through the kitchen door.

Sam looked over at Steve, returning to the register as Steve went to his proper side of the counter. “Think either of them will ever admit it?”

Steve glanced at the glass case that held all of Bucky’s sweets. The first one was a customer-favorite at the shop. A creation that was made of fresh fruit and sweets – something that Bucky had spent all night making the day after he met Y/N. His eyes then shifted to Y/N’s painting, knowing very well who inspired what he believed to be her best creation. Shrugging, he leaned on the counter. “Out loud? Probably not. But there’s always a weird sort of meaning that comes from an artist’s work. They’ll figure it out eventually.”

Sam glanced back at the kitchen when he heard Bucky laugh. No doubt Y/N had done something. “Well, I hope they hurry it up. It’s getting to be a damn romantic comedy around here. And not one of the good ones.”

Steve laughed. Though he’d never admit it out loud, there was a bit of truth to Sam’s words. There always was.

[astrogone]

❝ @ mutuals, send me a 🍓 and I’ll compliment you! ❞     /     pt. 4

🍓 @glrchmp: Zacharie, you and your blog are absolutely? Phenomenal?! I honestly have not got into the playthrough of Shield / Sword yet while I do not have Switch, but of course, Leon has my heart instantly, and seeing someone so so passionate of him makes me very delighted. I absolutely adore what you have thought of him and written with him so far, and I always highly look forward to read and learn more about your Leon. It was such a wonderful moment going through your blog and seeing how would you portray Leon. Everything about him is so well thought and detailed, it is just incredible. To be honest, even if I haven’t got into the game yet, I already had a thought that Nintendo could not ever do Leon justice like how you would portray him. I hope you have at least some pride in your work because, seriously, what you touch turns into a wonderful art, and I am so grateful that I had stumbled across your blog. Anyone should, actually. You are a gem as you are a lovely person to have on my dash. I do hope we can interact more soon and have you shove me into more of the Pokéworld ( because I will admit, I’m not too hot with the lores and whatnot, and I’d love to get Deep with it, if ya get me there ) but if you are busy or anything, I’m more than okay to wait. Give you the time and space you need. For now, just seeing you on my dash makes me happy— as long as you are content, I am too. <3

🍓 @mtchstck​: Alex, first of all [makes over 100 fire / hot puns such as how your blog is hot, your writing is spicy—]. Second of all, my goodness, please know that you and Livvy are out of the world, like we truly do not deserve you two. Your developments, writings, graphics, artworks— everything that you would come up with are incredible, and just... The time and effort you would put in these delightful creations... There is so much passion in your work and I just do not know how you would come up with any of these stuff. Livvy is such an interesting and fun character to learn about, and you probably get this a lot, but I do want to tell you how much I love that you write her with life in her. In a roleplay forum I was in for most of my roleplay life, I had seen so many young muses around her age being written with these traits that were just slapped onto them or given them a tragic background for the sake of it with bare to no developments and meaningful thoughts behind them. Yet with Livvy, everything about her feels natural because you care, and it just makes me so happy to see that there are people out there like you who would hold a lot care for their muse’s characterizations. You are just so talented in everything you do and I highly admire you. Honestly, what a spark of delight and inspiration you are to have on my dash. <3

🍓 @arsonbeast: MJ, we haven’t done much together yet, but, my gosh, you! Are so cool! Honestly. I still remember our conversation during around the Fourth of July and recalling about it makes me think that you’re such a very fun and hilarious person to interact with ( and I would love to interact with you more but I’m so Fucking Slow, but... you know ). I don’t know how to explain it, but I can really sense your energy from your texts alone and I get so delighted whenever I see your posts on here / text messages. You just have a really chill vibe that makes me feel comfortable, which says a lot with me having anxiety, welp, but... Just know that you have my heart and soul. Also, I highly adore your writings with MJ— the way you would word your sentences, MJ’s dialogues, etcetera, it really captures the personality of him and it’s so much fun and exciting to read them! And his faceclaim? Epic choice, my dude, I love that a lot. I can not truly wait to see more work with him, and once I finally fucking figure out who to write / plot with him, it’ll be Over for you, so you better watch out for my dumb ass coming at your way with that, lmfao... You’re awesome as Hell, dude. <3

🍓 @fatedriven​: Neo, at the moment, we are just silently supporting each other from our tiny corners ( I am too slow and often chaotically losing my energy to reach out but! I will! Get to you soon, I Swear ), but I do want you know that I am! So so! EXCITED to interact with you more! And I ADORE all of your muses and everything in your blogs dearly MUCH! I swear, everything about your blog and creations and so forth are downright gorgeous. Stepping into your blogs for the first time was like having my eyes blessed with the sacred lights, no kidding at all!... Your muses are so unique and different from each other, it takes my breath away to see how much passion you have for all of them. Also seeing your writings? Truly poetic, oh my gosh. Your blogs are just so so delightful to go through. I love your ideas, your portrayals, and everything, like. You’re already one of my inspirations as seeing your work makes me feel motivated to work and develop on my creations, so thank you for taking the time and effort in sharing your creations on this Hellsite. They are truly amazing and I just can not wait to see more from you, as well as, again, interacting with you more. <3

🍓 @destructiveglitch​​: Myers, where to even start... I do not ever believe words would be enough, but as it is what I can offer, please, despite anything and what anyone would say to you, try to remember that whatever you create, your creations will always bring light to this universe! Every edges and corners and the insides of your creations from your muses to artworks and headcanons and writings and so forth? So well done. So so good to get into anytime, any day. And seeing your art improvement with the “silence, bottom” artworks? Incredible. It truly does show much you had improved from years of creating, and while you may experience feeling negative about your creations, I do want to give you a gentle reminder that this world is truly blessed to even look at your work. Just... the passion and dedication you have in your creations make me feel beyond delighted, and I love whatever you would post on my dash, even it’s just a silly thought. If you ever end up writing a novel or make a comic or whatever, you better let me know and I will pay to even read about it. Your creativity is too good for us. I am beyond grateful to have stumbled across your blog. You are just so sweet and fun and cool to have around, and I can not wait to make more fun memories with you. <3

🍓 @forcefuried​: Tian, you are extremely delightful to interact with and have on my dash and Discord. Just. Every time I would see your post or text message, I get so giddy and hope you are doing okay. You deserve all of the goods out there. You hold nothing but kindness and even when we have recently interacted, you make me feel at home already, and it’s... a rare thing when I have anxiety, so, I just love how open and honest and sweet you are to not just me but others as well. I have said this before, but i will not hesitate to say this once more that I am beyond grateful that you decided to check up my blog and gave me a follow because, otherwise, I would probably not get to see the absolute beauty you have in your blog. The passion in everything you create is amazing and with every thoughts, headcanons, writings, and such that you would come up with? Always a breathtaking moment. There is so much details and dedication in everything, and how you would take the time to research and pour your soul out is so admiring. You are the reason I should get into the rest of the old S.tar W.ars films as I had watched only one of the old ones, honestly, lmfao, but yeah, you are so sweet and creative, and, gosh, this world just can not get enough of you. <3 🍓 @gloryshound: Nee, wow, honestly, what did I do to deserve you? While we are starting to interact more, I must say that I truly am in love with your writings. The details, the wordings, everything about them are so great. It just catches my emotions, make me feel and think for these muses, and it really amazes me to see how you would give each muse their own voice in your writings, and I personally believe it is not that easy to do that, especially when you have a lot of muses to write at once. I find it so interesting just reading what are the themes / main focuses each of your muse have, and it makes me think how determined and willing you are in exploring more of these themes / main focuses with their respective muses, and I think that’s really neat. I love when people actually take a step back to see the potentials in the characters and use them to make more of they are given from the media. It shows that they care, and I do love when people take the time and effort in placing so many thoughts and developments in a character. You are one of those people and I hope you know that your creations are highly inspiring to many people, including myself. I am so happy that we got to meet and I highly look forward to interact with you and all of your lovely muses more. It is gonna be so amazing! <3

[yamababy]

Sketch

Tadashi traced the tiny notes as they slowly appeared on his forearm. The raised red ridges of the musical notes meant nothing to him; he genuinely had no idea what they meant. At 8 years old, learning the complicated symbols of sound had never interested him. Until recently. As of late, the small notes had been appearing on and off every few days. Which meant his soulmate had finally started writing. Tadashi had been drawing to them for as long as he could remember. Flowers, dogs, pictures of people he knew... Anything he could think of to let them know, he was here! An only child who lived with his grandparents, Tadashi had been waiting to meet his soul mate for so long he thought he would burst if it went on any longer. the notes receded slowly as he watched. Rolling over in his bed, and wrapping his blankets closer around him, he wondered what it sounded like. The music of his soul mate. Whether the person was happy or sad; what instrument they played and how old they were; whether they thought about him sometimes too, and enjoyed his pictures. ***** Kei's long fingers, stretched and limber already from 4 years of piano, danced along his ivory keys. The old upright was his most prized possession and the closest to a friend he felt he had. It allowed him to vent and scream and pound into its keys without complaint, and didnt try to comfort or advise him if it wasnt enough to play till his fingers blistered. Kei was a 'difficult' child. An antagonist at his worst. Truthfully, Kei was an anxious child. So anxious his fear radiated into angry energy and vitriol. This, he knew, was not the way to make friends... But, everytime he opened his mouth to a stranger, irregardless of age; out spat bile. He was too young to hate himself the way he did. His comfort came from his skin. The tiny artwork that tattooed him silently and painlessly everyday for most of his life. Beautiful, intricate linework. The fading broke his heart, he wished it would stay forever. He'd never felt talented enough to reply. Even his stick men were wonky. Until he'd realised his talent was under his nose all along. He'd begun to write short melodies on his forearms. His favourites songs, things he's written. Things to show his soul mate who he was. Being 8 years old however, not realising not everyone knew music, it never occured to him that his soul mate didn't understand any of it, no matter how sweet the intent. *****

"Tsukki! Tsukki, wait up!" Tadashi ran after Kei as fast as his tiny legs could carry him, although he was certain his overly tall bestfriend couldn't hear him through his large white headphones. Tadashi reached Kei and gently wrapped his tiny hands around his larger friends wrist. The way Kei flinched at this silent greeting destroyed Tadashi's gentle heart. Kei turned towards Tadashi slowly and removed his headphones with a sigh, as if resigned to whatever was to come next. They locked eyes. "Oh, it's just you, Yamaguchi. Why didn't you shout me?" Kei sneered. "Sorry, Tsukki!" Tadashi beamed, dragging his friend towards the park. "I'm not pushing you on the swings this time..." Kei huffed. "Sure you're not, Tsukki!" Tadashi giggled gently, still manhandling his larger friend through the park gates. Kei smiled softly to himself as Tadashi ran, full pelt, at the slide. 'OK, so maybe I will....' he thought. ***** Tadashi pushed through the door of the Tsukishima household, his arms laden with his belongings and snacks for the night, spirits high for the sleepover that night, announcing his presence and removing his shoes with his toes, he traipsed in without being welcomed. He was always welcome here, it was his haven, his safe space. His favourite place in the world. He breathed in the scent. Vanilla and sweet fruit. It smelled like Tsukki here. Or Tsukki smelt like the house... Either way it was wonderful. He heard distant piano from the dining room; which meant Tsukki was definitely here. Whatever it was he was playing, it was wonderful, soft and bittersweet, flowing like water over him as he took his time making his way down the hall. He'd hate to disturn Tsukki while he was playing. He always looked so calm and content while his fingers danced over keys reading notes Tadashi still couldn't read. He'd thought many times about asking Tsukki to teach him piano, or at least to read the sheet music, but the idea of being even more of a burden was too much for him to cope with. As he approached the slightly ajar door, the velvety music came to a close. Then his left arm tingled the way it does when your soulmate sends you a message. There they were again. The beautifully drawn and prepared notes. He'd die to hear them. He peeked through the door jamb. Tsukki was writing in blue ink on his forearm. He was writing music notes. On his left forearm. NO. NOT TSUKKI. NOT A BOY. Tadashi's chest constricted. He was certain he was going to suffocate right there in the hallway, surrounded by video games and chocolate bars aged 13 years old. This was awful. He couldn't tell him. Never. They're friendship was everything to him. Maybe they were platonic soulmates? That could be a thing right? HE'D never met platonic soulmates before, or heard of them but they MUST be a thing....? Oh god no. "Yamaguchi? Why are you skulking around in my hallway?" Kei had heard the clatter of Tadashi's things hitting the floor. Tadashi's head whipped around so fast he felt his neck crack. "Sorry, Tsukki! I dropped some things..." Tadashi could feel his face burning, how humiliating. Kei clicked his tongue and bent down to retrieve the items that littered his floor. Tadashi could only stare. Tsukki was actually really attractive, in a tall, lanky, snarkier-than-thou, kind of way. Tadashi had always admired Kei's personality. that was no secret. Kei golden orbs suddenly invaded his private reverie. Since his recent growth spurt, Tadashi no longer stood quite so far below Kei's shoulder. His forehead could comfortably brush Kei's chin. But when Kei tilted his head forward, and all but glared into his freckled visage, Tadashi suddenly felt very, very small all over again. His breathe caught in his throat and his heart hammered a racy rhythm against his chest. "Are you ok, Dashi?" Kei asked, barely a whisper. 'DASHI. Oh god.' Tadashi all but shivered at the childhood nickname. it was his weakness. Tsukki only used it when they were alone; and even then it was sparing. "I'm fine, Tsukki." His voice sounded disconnected from his body. He was honestly just glad of how secure it sounded compared to the internal mess he was caging. "Well... Ok then. If you're fine you won't mind me handing you your ass in mario kart then, will you?" A rare smiled ghosted across Kei's surprisingly plump lips and he pushed off the wall behind Tadashi's head, grabbing bits and pieces from the floor as he passed them, headed to his room. Tadashi gathered the rest of his things together in a daze before following.

In the bathroom, later that night, Tadashi took his favourite marker in with him and, under the guise of a shower, he drew more than ever before. Every inch he could reach was covered in the things he loved. French fries from his favourite fast food place, a couple tiny dogs chasing after a ball, flowers and beautifully decorated cakes like the ones in his grandparents bakery that Tsukki loved so much, he even drew a few books upon a shelf; their tiny titles too small to read. He drew till his hand ached, his way of thanking Kei for the music. Knowing who write the miniscule notations suddenly made them so much more important. Tadashi knew what music really meant to Kei. It was his life the way art was Tadashi's home. He suddenly understood the time and effort Kei would have spent making sure that every note was perfect, every song choice immaculate. His taste had always been impeccable. And that was the shame of it. Kei had always had such high standards. Tadashi may pass the friendship test, but with his freckled mess of chubby cheeks and unruly hair, he was far from a catch. His one redeeming feature were his olive eyes. Even he liked them, but that didnt mean Kei would. He knew that as soul mates they were destined to fall in love. Or were already in love, or something. He didn't really understand the whole thing. Tadashi stripped the last of his clothes and stepped under the shower head, scrubbing at the remnants of his love, removing any trace that might let Kei in on his secret. A secret he intended to keep. He could love him from where he was, and that was fine.

Kei stared in awe at his arms, legs, stomach and chest. His body tingled everywhere, the miniature art gallery that was his skin alive with his soul mates creations. Kei didn't know who they were, but their skin sketches had kept him alive some nights. When he'd been lonely as a child, they'd been there so send him some joy. A smile, an unexpected laugh, it didn't matter where they really where to Kei, they'd been there to HIM. He couldn't care less who they were either, as long as they drew for him everyday, anything. He lived only for the day he could see more than sketches that faded in minutes. He wanted something permanent, something he could hold on to. God he hoped they felt the same. ***** Tadashi woke up alone to the sound of music. Typical. Even on a Sunday Kei couldn't sleep past 7. Tadashi hauled ass out of bed and slipped on a jumper. Kei house was always so cold in the morning. He glared, bleary eyed, at the bedside clock. 7:18am. Of course it was. He stole some socks from Kei's drawer and dragged them onto his frozen feet, then made his way down the stairs to the diningroom. Things had been oddly awkward between them last night. Tadashi couldnt keep calm and Kei had been even more quiet than usual. Tadashi still couldnt resist spying on Kei playing piano though. It was a guilty pleasure of his. Watching Kei lithe fingers glide over every key in a way Tadashi knew was NOT effortless style. Memorizing the lines of Kei's face as he near grimaced into his sheet music like it owed him a favour. Tadashi had been watching for longer than he could really remember. How could he not have known before yesterday how he felt? "Tsukki?" Tadashi spoke before he really realised it was happening. "Hmmm..." Kei continued to play as he answered, his concentration clearly somewhere else. Tadashi crept across the room and slide into the space beside Kei on the stool. "Will you teach me piano?" He asked, hesitant. Kei's hand still and the room dropped into silence for the smallest of moments before he laughed. "Finally. Honestly, Yamaguchi, how anyone can go so long without learning an instrument is beyond me." Kei almost smiled as he shuffled his music. "Is now ok?" Tadashi beamed. "Sure. Not like there's anything better to do on a Sunday?" ***** Tadashi rans his eyes down his sheet music. The notes ringing in his mind as the bus jostled down the bumpy street. His pen tapped a steady rhythm against his knee and he counted pace. He was sure something was off about the beat but he couldn't pinpoint it. "Its in 4/8; not 4/4." Kei whispered into Tadashi's ear. Tadashi glanced back at the sheet and read it in the new rhythm. Kei was right. He sighed and shoved it back in his bag, he could work on it later, if he let Kei anywhere near it he'd 'fix' it. He pulled out his sketch pad and very deliberately turned so that Tsukki wouldn't be able to see what he was doing. Tadashi had very recently become addicted to watercolour pencils; he liked the way he could work on something and then adjust the colours together later. He'd also become obsessed with painting other peoples portraits, not that he'd ever tell anyone he was doing so. He just loved the people faces could convey so much emotion with a mere quirk of a brow, or the tiniest smile. It was through painting he'd finally begun to understand Kei's tiny shows of emotion. They were admittedly miniscule, but they were there. They were Tadashi's favourite things to draw. His sketchbook was a closed gallery of one Tsukishima Kei's internal reportoire. He'd been aware of his and Kei's soulmate status for almost 3 years now, and as far as he knew, Kei was still entirely oblivious. And that was how he wanted to keep it. At least for now. The bus pulled up to Fukurodani and Tadashi packed away his things. Time for training camp. "Coming, Yamaguchi?" Kei held out his hand to help Tadashi out of his window seat. Tadashi grasped it as gently as he could, he already had an unhealthy attachment to those hands... He couldn't afford to be creepy. Kei grabbed his own bag from the overhead stoarage and led the way off the bus; they were, as usual, the last off. Tadashi didn't dwell on the fact that Kei hadn't let go of his hand yet. ***** Tadashi's entire body ached. It hurt in places he didn't know he even had until today. Coach Ukai was a monster, a monster encouraged by the rampaging lunatics he'd called team mates. Training camp had never been like this in Amemaru. It was barely 10pm, but everyone in Karasuno was asleep already, exhausted from their hectic day. He could literally FEEL Tanaka and Asahi snoring, their soft palettes flapping in their throats. Good god they should see a doctor... That couldn't be healthy. Kei turned to face Tadashi in his bedroll and scooted, ever so subtly closer to his best friend. "What's up, Tsukki?" Tadashi whispered, even his throat protesting at the usage. "Can't sleep. It's so uncomfortable here." Kei croaked. He'd never been particularly good at the whole whispering thing. "Wanna get in with me?" Tadashi asked, without really having noticed what he said until it was too late. "I-I mean, we could share and put one bedroll on top of the other... to make it comfier... not, like, ya know." "No. I dont know. Explain it to me, Yamaguchi." Kei replied, the mirth lacing his voice sending a shiver straight to Tadashi's already sore heart. "Just, that, we're friends... So, it isn't weird. We shared a bed all the time as kids." Tadashi finished, lamely. He fought the urge to pull his blankets up over his face in shame. "No offence here, Dashi, but I think we're a little too tall to share nowadays, we'd have to really squish up against eachother." Kei leant over Tadashi's face to whisper into his ear. And there it was. That crazy thumping rhythm his heart beat against his ribs whenever Kei called him Dashi. The room was suddenly far too hot, small and awkward for his liking. "Yeah-yeah, you're-uh-you're right..." Tadashi mumbled into his hands, he had lost his battle against hiding his face, and was melting into his own embarrassment, face ablaze. Damage done, Kei lay back against his own bed roll and yawned. "Night, Yamaguchi." He breathed, and rolled away. Tadashi didn't reply. He thought it best that way. ***** Stupid Kuroo. Stupid, Ugly, Horrible, Asshole Kuroo. Capital letters for emphasis. How dare he touch Kei. How dare Kei let him! UCK! So maybe he was overreacting. Soulmate or not, he did not in any way OWN Kei; but that did not stop him being upset. It was only a hug, he reasoned with himself as he served the ball straight into the net. His palm was on fire. He'd long since stopped caring that the skin was cracking and bleeding in some places. It must have been at least 6 hours he'd been here. He knew he'd missed dinner and that everyone was probably already back at the lodge by now. He simply didn't care. They obviously hadn't noticed his lack of presence. Kei clearly hadn't either. Well, forget them. He had volleyball serves to do. "Yamaguchi!" Hinata threw open the gym door like a hurricane. "We've all been looking for you for hours! We thought Tsukishima was gunna cry! You should have seen it! Kiyoko-san and Yacchan took him back to the lodge to calm him down. He thought you'd run away." Hinata half-yelled as he dragged Tadashi back towards the 1st gym. ***** "DASHI, WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN!? WHAT THE HELL WERE THINKING ITS ALMOST 11 O'CLOCK AT NIGHT!? ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME!?!" Kei practically screamed in Tadashi's face the moment he entered the lodge kitchen. Tadashi almost toppled over and suffocated when Kei lunged at him and forced him into what was admittedly a rather comforting hug. "I... I just... lost track of time I guess." Tadashi lied, poorly, trying to hide his swollen, bloody palm behind his back without making it obvious. He failed. "What happened to your hand?" Kei asked, still infuriated as he gripped Tadashi's wrist and pulled him to the sink. "Too many serves..." Tadashi hissed as the cold water hit his hand. He could feel the other team member staring at them. It had to stop, he hated being stared at. "You need to be more careful, you always overwork yourself. It's not healthy, you stress yourself out and you're always getting sick or you end up like -" "Shut up, Tsukki." Tadashi near whispered. Kei stopped dead, then looked Tadashi straight in the eyes and smiled. "Sorry, Yamaguchi." he said, deadpan as he handed Tadashi a tea towel to dry his hand while he went to get bandages. Tadashi turned towards his team mates, their mouths agape and still as statues. "I'm sorry for worrying you all. It won't happen again." He smiled at them as Kei took his hand back and began to wrap it for him. ***** Kei stared at his left arm. The floral vines wrapping from his wrist to his elbow becoming more and more detailed as time went on. Whoever his soul mates was, they desperately intrigued him. They'd been drawing more recently. He was becoming more and more vehement that he needed to find them lately as well. He knew he could just ask them who they were.  He could just write the question on his arm and have done with it, but that ruined it somehow. They deliberately never exchanged words, he didnt want to change anything. But he also really, really did. Maybe he could make it a game. Like 20 questions. Then use the information to find them. He rummaged through his dresser, in search of a pen, then waited for the vine on his arm to recede back into his skin. 'How old are you?' he wrote, his breath caught in his chest. What if they didnt reply? He waited almost 20 minutes before a single strawberry appeared, followed by 14 more, then, almost as an after thought, a half strawberry at the end of the row. He literally laughed. 15 and a half, well that was one way to reply. "Do you live in Japan?" He knew it was sometimes possible for soulmates to be across the world from one another. He waited again, 10 minutes this time. A squiggled shape appeared on his arm, when it was done he realised it was a small map of japan, with what looked like miyagi prefecture circled. "In Miyagi?" He replied, hopeful. That meant they were close by. He was still in the process of wiping the ink off his arm when the smiling face appeared on his inner wrist. "I wonder if we've met." He writes back. He waited 4 hours. They didn't reply again. ***** He couldnt write back. Kei knew his handwriting as well as he knew Kei's. Tadashi put his head in his hands and sighed. Why would he start writing now? Kei had been weird since they'd returned from camp. He'd been weird AT camp too, ever since Tadashi had gone 'missing' for those few hours. Kei had always been... Affectionate. Physically speaking. Not with anyone else, or in public, which honestly Tadashi appreciated, but he'd always liked to climb into Tadashi bed during sleepovers, or drag Tadashi into his. It was easier to watch movies that way, he'd always reasoned, when Tadashi questioned it. He'd also liked to hold Tadashi hand sometimes when they were sitting on the couch together, or cuddle up to Tadashi from behind when he cooked for them, which was often as Kei's cooking usually ended with the emergency services. But lately it'd been more frequent. He'd figured out when they were children that this was how Kei made up his brash personality and was not an indication of anything else, but nowadays Tadashi had been doing everything he could to avoid being alone with Kei. He had to make sure he didn't slip up; like suddenly shoving his tongue down Kei's throat the next time he smiled at him and called him Dashi while they were supposed to be watching Death Note. "SHIT." Tadashi said out loud, to no one in particular. ***** He awoke to the sound of screaming and yelling. "Not again." Tadashi grumbled to himself as something large smashed against the livingroom wall. His grandparents sounded like they were killing eachother. He got up as quietly as he could and made his way down the hall. "YOU! This is all your fault!" His grandfather grabbed his hair from behind and yanked him into the livingroom. "Me? What did I do?" He and his grandparents had never gotten along as well as he would have liked, but this was the first time he'd ever been scared of them. "You killed them. You killed both of them." His grandmother screamed in his face, tears streaming down hers. "What? NO! They died in the fire, Grandma!" Tadashi shouted back, knowing instantly what she meant. It wasn't the first time they'd accused him of having killed his parents. His grandparents continued to scream at him. His heart breaking with every verbal barb. He didn't know what had brought this on at 6am in the morning, but he hated it. He tried to get up and run back to his room, or the front door, either way, he needed outm they pulled him back, every time he attempted to escape their fingers dug into his skin more, finger nails drawing blood from his thin arms, his grandfather, still strong in his old age from his years of being a baker lifted Tadashi effortlessly and threw him against the wall. The impact forcing his chin up and making him taste blood. He wipes blood from his chin and panics, and while his grandmother screams he takes his chance. 'Tsukki, Help me.' the blood dribbles down his arm, and he has no idea if this will work, but its all he has to go on, and he hopes for the best. ***** Kei pours cereal into his dino bowl, the early morning sun filtering through the windows and casting an orange glow against the counter top. He almost ignores the tingle on his arm, spiteful after they ignored him last night. He's glad he doesn't. 'Tsukki, help me.' Messy and smeared with dribbled lines that send terrified shivers up Kei's spine. He'd know that writing anywhere. He leaves the cereal where it is, milk splattered on the surface as he races to the door. His feet can't move fast enough, his heart pounds in his chest as he races barefoot down the 3 blocks to Tadashi's Grandparents bakery. His breath rages in his chest and he's never been so thankful that Daichi forced him to run so often and so hard. He rounds the corner to the bakery so fast he literal skids on the still damp concrete and grazes his feet. He doesn't care, it doesn't matter. Only Tadashi matters right now. He reaches the back stairs to the apart, takes them 2 at a time, and scrambles through the black plantpot for the spare key when he hears the screaming through the letter box. His hands are shaking so badly he can barely fit the key in the lock when he finds it, and practically shoulders the door through the wall. He follows the dull, wet sounds of thudding and crying in the livingroom and finds Tadashi atop his grandfather, his face so covered in blood Kei can barely recognize his bestfriend of 7 years. Tadashi stops and climbs up from his grandfather, who spits at him. "Dashi?" Kei's voice sounds as weak he suddenly feels. "Kei..." Tadashi sobs, "Kei, I'm sorry." He cries as Kei lifts him up and carries him from the room, from the building. He lets him cry all the way back to his own house. He lets him cry while he dresses the cuts and bruises that litter his face, and even while he scraped the dried blood from Tadashi's hands. Kei doesn't speak. Tadashi doesn't need that yet. He places Tadashi into his bed and wraps himself and the blankets around him, then pulls Tadashi's face into his shoulder and strokes his hair till he stops shaking. After a few hours, Tadashi's breathing has settled, and Kei begins to think he may have fallen asleep, except that as he tries to move away, Tadashi's grip on his shirt tightens, and pulls him back. "Don't go... please." Tadashi's voice is coarse. "I'm just going to pee, I'm not gunna leave the freaking country. Chill, ok?" Kei huffs, and hears a tiny chuckle in response. When he's finished in the bathroom, he goes downstairs and gets Tadashi a glass of water, and makes them both some toast, then carries it all upstairs. When he walks back into the room, he finds Tadashi sat up with his back against the pillows and his head on his knees. He places the tray gently on his nightstand and puts a hand in Tadashi's hair. As if to reassure him that he came back. "You hungry?" He asked, softly. Tadashi just shakes his head and sighs into his knees. "Shame... It's got extra butter on it, guess I'll eat it then." he says, poking Tadashi's hand with a slice. Tadashi slowly takes the slice and lifts his head just enough to take a bite, adjusting to cross his legs as he does. "You ok, Dashi?" Kei shuffles into place under the blanket next to Tadashi and hands him his water. "Yeah." Tadashi sounds sore, and tired, but not upset. "Wanna talk about it?" Kei takes back the glass Tadashi hands him and settled back into his pillows. "They think I killed my parents in the fire." "Oh." Kei says. Weren't you like... 2 years old when your parents died?" Kei was desperately trying to remember. Tadashi never spoke about it. "Yeah, some electrical fault or something. But the week before the fire I broke the fire escape window. I don't know how, I was too little to remember that, but I did, so when the fire happened my mum and dad couldn't fit through the gap in the window, so they dropped my favourite teddy and told me to go get him, my downstairs neighbours saw me and took me to the front of the building." Tadashi spoke steadily, as if reading from a page. "I don't really remember much." "I see... But... you were a baby. You clearly didn't do it on purpose." Kei stated, matter-of-factly. "They chose to let you go, they wanted you to be safe because they loved you, and that's not your fault. I get that your grandparents are upset, but what the Hell happened this morning?" "I have literally no idea. I also had no idea I was this strong either. Physically i mean, emotionally I'm somewhere between 9/11 and the Titanic in terms of wreckage, but I'm actually kind of worried I hurt him." Tadashi looked at Kei as he spoke, a pensive look crossing his freckled face. "Dashi. Why didn't you tell me if you knew?" Kei couldn't stop himself asking anymore. "I did tell you. I told you my parents died the first time you came to my house- "That you were my soul mate, Tadashi. You had to have known to send me the message to help you..." Kei sighed. "Oh. That. Right. I thought it was better that way I suppose. I thought-I thought i wasn't... good... enough." Tadashi sputtered. "You absolute moron... Wow." Kei huffed. "I spent 7 years with you for the convenience then, did I?" "Being friends is different than dating!" Tadashi defended himself with a pout and crossed his arms across his chest. "Is it? I don't think so. Not for us anyway. I'm 90% sure we've been halfway dating since middle school. Minus a few things obviously." Kei laughed. Kei slipped his arm behind Tadashi's back and yanked him into his lap. "Well, either way, there is no way in Hell i'm sending you back there. You're just gunna have to move in here with me. Not that anyone would even notice, most of your stuff lives here, and you're here at least 4 or 5 times a week..." Kei nuzzled into Tadashi's neck, the tip of his nose catching the lobe of Tadashi's ear. "I'm not here that much!" Tadashi face blazed, his cheeks aflame as he felt Kei kiss the edge of his jaw. "Do you wanna be?" Kei's lips brushed against Tadashi's ears and he melted into an incoherent puddle right there on the bed. Tadashi could only nod as Kei slotted his lips against his. So this was what home felt like.

actually really enjoyed writing this. sorry its late. and sorry it sucks ass. i tried. please dont hate me..... @akkaai

[cordpolo6-blog]

Self-Care Interview Series: Adriana Ayales

Adriana Ayales is a rainforest herbalist from Costa Rica and the founder of herbal apothecary Anima Mundi. We are in love with Adriana’s world and creations, and so excited to share this interview.

Routine

— Is routine important to you or do you like things to be more open and free?

Although I love the grounded power of routine, I’m living in a phase of being open and free. With kids, and a beyond full time devotion to running a business, I just ride the waves as they come. I’ve learned to surrender that not everything has to look the way it should look. Life’s situations and patterning moves around like the seasons.

— What do your mornings look like? If they differ from day to day, describe your ideal morning.

I love getting up before the kids, and sneaking into the kitchen to make myself a healing cup(s) of medicine. First thing I do is a big ole’ cup of vitamin C rich goodness, sometimes its mangosteen hibiscus with a lemon squeeze, or fresh picked turmeric from the garden grated with ginger, along with camu camu and lemon water. Then I make a seasonal fruit bowl of sorts, with oatmeal, or homemade granola loaded with mineralizing herbs (like nettle or mesquite powder). Followed by my favorite, and not so healthy friend, Coffee. Ah coffee. I can’t tell you how wonderful locally grown heirloom coffee is here, paired with deliciously fresh cacao and medicinal mushrooms and homemade almond.

— Do you have any bedtime rituals that help you sleep well?

Massaging the face, forehead and skull with warm oil at night is one of the simplest and most restorative practices we can do to induce deep sleep. I love using a mix I make at home of jojoba oil, with rosehip, infused with clary sage and a fine sandalwood. Another one of my all time favorites for evening relaxation is blue lotus.

— Do you have any kind of mindfulness practice? 

Sipping tea mindfully in nature, witnessing time in silence is one of my favorite things. I tap into my feelings, breath, mind, and begin to clear energy.

Sustenance

— Do you do caffeine and in what form? If not, what is your drink of choice in the morning?

I do love caffeine. Growing up in Costa Rica has woven me into loving a good cup of locally roasted coffee. Depending on the day, I love adding reishi, or a mix of medicinal mushrooms, raw cacao with mucuna, along with a homemade plant based milk. I also love having an aged puerh, or traditional matcha with added herbs for nourishment, like moringa.

— Do you have a sweet tooth and do you take any measures to keep it in check?

Sometimes I do, especially when I’m tired or running on low energy. When i’m over-worked, or running on stress I definitely crave more carby and sugary things, and this is usually due to skipping a meal, or needing a quick-fix. Some tips I bare in mind during stressful moments that ignite the sweet tooth (or just in general!) are: always go for fruits before you opt for a sugary dessert, always choose low glycemic sweeteners vs. sugar (some faves are coconut sugar, maple syrup, and real stevia extract — not the synthetic ones!) For carbs avoid empty carbs and refined flours, and opt for ones that are more easily absorbed, like coconut, almond and cassava flour.

— Are there any particular supplements, herbs, or tinctures/tonics that you take regularly and find to be helpful with your energy level and general wellness? 

Oh my, so many! I seasonally change my herbal intake, but certainly stick with some favorites. I love having my potent “singles” (single herb tinctures) on me at all times, like shisandra berries and blue lotus. A Brain tonic while I’m working, usually with herbs like gotu kola, ginkgo, brahmi and lion’s mane mushroom. Two that I dose with very often are the Happiness tonic (st johns wort, mucuna, ashwagandha, etc.) and euphoric/mood elevating herbs like catuaba, mucunam muira puama and damiana. I also love our Liver formula for daily cleansing and nourishment, like the moringa, burdock, nettles, chlorella. And of course beauty herbs like He Shou Wu, Mangosteen and more!

Exercise

— Do you exercise and do you have a particular exercise routine that you repeat weekly? 

Absolutely, I love doing a mix between yoga and pilates.

— Do you find exercise to be pleasurable, torturous or perhaps a little of both? How do you put yourself in the right mindset in order to keep up with it?

I love the torture! When I feel a little lazy and not like suffering in an intensive workout, I just remind myself how excellent I feel when I finish it. Not just seeing physical results, but especially the mental peace and happiness after working out.

Beauty

— What is your idea of beauty – external, internal or both?

A feeling of wholeness. When your mood is high, your gut is vibrant, and you feel confident and beautiful. When there is no sense of lack, imbalance or deficiency. When you feel aligned.

— What is your skincare approach – face and body?

I love making my own body and face oils. I usually infuse collagen boosting herbs, and skin strengthening herbs and lather up. I also like to keep things simple, like using cacao butter with coconut oil, or just a fluffy shea butter for deep moisture. 

— Are there any foods, herbs or supplements you find to be helpful to your skin/hair/general glow?

Yes! I’m a big fan of eating herbs and supplements that protect the skin, increase our own collagen receptors and help activate our natural glow. The herbs I designed for the vegan collagen formula have been my go-to’s for quite sometime. Horsetail, He Shou Wu, Calendula, Nettle seed + leaf, Comfrey, and others like Mangosteen, Camu Camu and Hibiscus are great for the skin too.

— Do you have any beauty tips/tricks you’ve found to be especially useful throughout the years?

I love making edible masks. Infusing a high potency extract into a raw clay and avocado, along with an activating source like apple cider vinegar, or more protein like flax, and making a smooth paste to lather all over the face, body and even hair is one of my all time favorites.

Stress, etc.

— Do you practice any consistent routines in order to avoid stress? 

Visualization is huge for me. Sitting in silence and tuning in is vital, along with the help of nervines and adaptogenic herbs that assist in de-compression like skullcap, blue lotus and ashwagandha.

— If stress cannot be avoided, what are your ways of dealing with it?

I like taking a walk or hike in nature, get in the ocean/lake/river or any kind of body of water. I completely unplug from work, the phone, or computer.

— What measures do you take when you sense a cold/general feeling of being under the weather coming on?

Before the cold kicks in, I take strong echinacea extracts in a soothing tea, mixing turmeric, lemon, grated ginger, apple cider vinegar, garlic and aloe in warm water. It works every time. I make a large batch and dose all day long —  even my kids love it! 

— How do you reconcile work-time with free-time? Do those things overlap for you or do you keep them distinctly separate?

This certainly overlaps for me, which can honestly be a bitter sweet reality. I love everything surrounding plants, and its medicinal uses, as well as teaching, and medicine making. I love that my business is all about honoring ancestral ways, plant medicine, the art of herbalism, righteous cultivation, and medicine making. Yet, like any business owner would understand, there are many tasks to the job that are exhausting and certainly not what made you fall in love in the first place. For me personally, I’ve learned to reconcile by doing what I love doing the most, medicine making and wildcrafting. I made a commitment to myself in making space for this no matter what, and not disregarding it by prioritizing business with the things that don’t really matter in life. It’s vital that we take moments in our free time that refine our focus and intention in life, re-align to what inspired the dream, without getting side swept with “busy-ness”.

Motivation

— Describe the actions you take or mindset you try to tap into in order to stay on track with your self-care practice and being nice to yourself?

Over the last couple years I’ve struggled with this because of having babies. Which I’m sure a lot of new moms can relate to this! Every time I get a moment between being a mother, wife and business owner, my priority to feel more self loving (and more human!) is yoga. The simple act of getting oxygen, doing conscious breathing, and distracting the monkey mind from its patterning, you become yourself again. 

— What do you consider to be the single most important change you’ve made to your routine or lifestyle in terms of wellness?

Herbs. Integrating plant medicine into everything has significantly changed my body mind and soul.

— A book/movie/class that influenced your view of self-nourishment or self-care.

Off the top of my head I love these: Healing with Whole Foods with Paul Pitchford, Gabriel Cousens’ Spiritual Nutrition, The Body Ecology Diet by Donna Gates, and of course The Medical Medium by Anthony William.

Knowledge

— What was your path to becoming an herbalist and starting Anima Mundi?

Growing up I learned closely with curanderos on plant medicine and rainforest herbalism overall. I then attended herbal schools in California where I learned a lot of native, northern and european herbalism. Life somehow took me to NYC (a place I NEVER thought I would ever go to) after living in California for quite some years, and I started practicing privately as an herbalist. I kept noticing the common trends, symptomology and imbalances folks that came in had, and started developing “mother formulas” to be able to make large batches.

— How do you approach sourcing herbs for Anima Mundi? 

First and foremost we try to create a direct relationship with the people/farmers that cultivate. Although we value certification of prime ingredients, there are many ethical wild crafters and farms that do not have special certifications, yet cultivate sustainable practices and have quality products that we also like to support. We are also adamant of supporting local economies as much as possible, particularly with rainforest herbs sourced directly from indigenous people, supporting their craft as well as ethically crafted botanicals.

— What are some of Anima Mundi’s best sellers?

Our plant-based Collagen Booster, Happiness Tonic, Adaptogenic Immortality Tonics, Curam Beauty Elixir, our 100% Coconut Cream Powder, Mushroom Mocha Milk and more…!

Fun and Inspiration

— A book/song/movie/piece of art to feed the soul:

Book – Women Who Run with Wolves Song/Album –  Cuatro Vientos / Danit Movie –  Loving the The OA lately! Piece of Art –  Ayahuasca art by Pablo Amaringo

Photos by Renee Byrd and from Anima Mundi’s IG / This post contains Amazon Affiliate links.

Source: https://golubkakitchen.com/self-care-interview-series-adriana-ayales/

[rkmg]

you are the music in me.

what do you get the best friend who means the world to you when you have nothing? won had spent the last two months frustrated trying to think of anything that even came close to accurately portraying to mingyu how much he cared. he knew that money wasn’t everything — in fact, expensive gifts mean nothing if they don’t hold any sentimental meaning, especially to a (now) eighteen year old boy who insists he doesn’t need anything in the first place. (or ‘deserves’ it, to which won scoffs. kim mingyu deserves the entire world and no one can tell him otherwise.)

eventually, inspiration hits, and all at once. it’s a mess, as he haphazardly scribbles down ideas in a notebook in a local cafe, and an even bigger mess when he puts it all into action, but it’ll be worth it —  he’s sure of it.

“having school on your birthday sucks; I didn’t want to be in class, I dread to think how little you wanted to be there.” he comments, as he digs through his bag to find mingyu’s card. it doesn’t seem like much so far, but won hands it over with a mischievous smile — enough to strike a little worry into mingyu’s heart, if he knows him well enough. inside the envelope is a handmade birthday card, the entire front decorated with poorly cut out screencaps of zac efron as troy bolton. slapped in the middle are the words ‘happy birthday, wildcat!’, and as won sees the older’s eyes scan over the front, he loses it. loud, hearty laughs are muffled by slender fingers, his other hand slapping against his thigh in amusement. “you like it? there’s more. hold on.”

his hand rummages through his bag once more. the item he’s looking for this time is significantly smaller, barely bigger than his finger, but once he locates it, he lets out an overjoyed “a-ha!” before demanding, “close your eyes and hold out your hands.”

once mingyu does, he drops a flash drive into his palms.

“I know what you’re thinking, but as much as I wish you’d study, this isn’t some plot to give you resources— if you plug that in, you’ll find — I think it’s about a hundred? — different videos and audios. of us. there’s… old videos I took a few years ago, so the quality is shit, but what can I do? there’s new videos, things you probably don’t even know I took. there’s audio files of me… singing some of your favourite songs. I don’t know if they’d ever be useful to you, but I know how you get… angry and worked up sometimes, and if I can’t be here in person, I want there to be some way I can be here… not in person, right? I don’t know, maybe you don’t care…” embarrassment and nerves settle in his bones, and he runs a hand through the back of his hair. “I hope you like them all, anyway. some of them are really entertaining. the videos, I mean— not— me singing. I’m going to get the next present now.”

he rushes away to find sujin, coming back a few moments later with a cake in hand, eighteen candles pushed into the top. “mum and I made it for you!” he smiles brightly, previous worries completely gone from his mind. all that matters now is the taste of vanilla cake and whether or not it’s acceptable to eat his slice with his hands.

“since everything else is… handmade, and I’m… not the best at crafts — though the card is a masterpiece, if I do say so myself — I got you something store bought, too. just in case.” his nose crinkles as he grins, disappearing to riffle through his backpack once more. he returns with a small, heavy gift, and it’s not difficult to tell from just the weight and shape of it that it’s a hardback novel.

when mingyu tears off the paper, it’s les miserables. “it’s a long one, but I figure if we start straight away, we could finish it before we turn forty, right? I thought maybe we could read it together.” he shrugs, “o-of course, we don’t have to! it’s up to you. it’s your gift.”

he smiles softly. “there’s just one more thing. you remember that I told you to keep your schedule clear? all sunday. me and you. we’re going to watch every musical under the sun, and we’re going to sing obnoxiously along with all the songs we know. deal?” bouncing on his heels, he laughs. “happy birthday, gyu.”

[ tw: depressing thoughts ]

Don’t get me anything, I mean it. I don’t need it. I don’t deserve it. It’s not an effort worth wasting. It’s just another day! I promise I’ll be happier if you don’t get me something. Come on, Won, is this really necessary? I already know you care about me. Why spoil me when you can spoil yourself? I’m not an unfortunate soul, I’m not in need of anything big. Just come over, okay? Nothing too extra, just stop by and spend some time with me, that’s how I’ll be happiest. Why give me gifts when you’re already the best gift I could have ever asked for? If you really want to give me something, help me pack my bags and get out of here… you come, too. Just help me.

A million excuses. A million reasons and arguments to make. Some voiced, many not. Mingyu struggled more as his birthdate drew closer. He often found himself wishing that the clock would stop ticking. He wished that time would stand still and he’d remain this age forever. He’s not figuring things out quickly enough. The sand is falling. How much longer before the last grain reaches the bottom of the hourglass?

So many birthday wishes. He had so, so many. However, they weren’t simply birthday wishes. They were life wishes. The wishes he’d make at 11:11 and every time he was lucky enough to witness a star finally reach its last moments and plummet from its place twinkling in the sky. He wondered how many months, days, hours, and seconds it would be before he was that star.

Waking up sucked ass. As if he really wanted to go to school today. But, it was just his birthday, right? Just a regular day, like any other. That means… you guessed it… he didn’t want to go to school any day. The bright side? He’d get to see Won. The mere thought always puts a little pep in his step and helped to light a fire under his butt. He didn’t resent the thought as much every time he pictured his best friend’s beautiful smiling face and wonderful voice. Oh, boy… Suddenly, he couldn’t wait to get to school.

The day dragged on. And on, and on, and on, and you get the picture. Occasionally he found himself wondering if he’ll ever be able to go home. He was also curious about what awaits him once he does. He was stubborn from time to time, he’ll admit it, but he couldn’t help but feel a little bit of excitement…. just a little, though. Lies. It was a lot.

Once he’s finally home, he feels relief wash over him like tall waves. His calm is soon interrupted by anticipation once Won is by his side and making conversation. He wanted to be a normal person and talk back to him regularly, but he was afraid that the butterflies in his stomach might cause him to say something (or be unable to say something…) that would only embarrass him. Instead, he smiled and let out a soft laugh before nodding his head to signify that he was correct. Mingyu most certainly did not want to be there, even if he didn’t care whether or not that it just so happened to be April 6th.

His eyes carefully remain focused on his best friend as he digs around in his bag searching for whatever. The smile he’s met with causes his heart to stutter and his eyes to widen ever-so-slightly. Why are you doing this to me, Jeon? His tongue glides against his bottom lip before he clears his throat and eases back into the expression that he’d managed to maintain before. It didn’t matter much, however, as his features were shifting as soon as the envelope is opened and he’s witnessing his first gift. I’m going to kill him. This is it, I’m really going to fucking kill him. He can only imagine how he must’ve looked upon first laying eyes on the card, and he was given a pretty good idea thanks to the loud laughter that he was now being graced met with. He wants to keep his annoyed and ��so done with you’ look on his face, but he cracks in a matter of moments, a smile tugging his lips upward despite his desperate attempt to fight it away. It was cute, in a way; picturing Won sitting down and taking the time to bring this ‘work of art’ into creation. Spending his time and effort putting it together, likely with a smile on his face and giggles falling from his lips as he tried to imagine Mingyu’s reaction once he’d receive it. He was probably so excited to finally hand it over and witness the outcome. A soft chuckle escapes him as he briefly closes his eyes, deeply inhaling through his nose. “I hate you, I can’t even believe this.” I love you with all of my heart and soul, thank you for this unique gift. “This is so weird. You’re a dork.”

More? He wasn’t that surprised, but still… He just hoped it wasn’t too much. It was already obvious to him that Won had spent a good bit of effort working on that monstrosity (that he adored and cherished), he just had to pray that he didn’t spend too much time on anything else. He’s already back to rummaging, though, and it’s only a few seconds later that he’s exclaiming something and asking Mingyu to close his eyes and hold out his hand. Honestly? That made him a little nervous. Even so, there was no one that he really trusted more, so with a gulp and a deep breath, the birthday boy finds himself hesitantly doing as he’s told.

A moment after, he feels something hit against his palm and his eyes are peering open once more. He stares at the small object in his hand before looking up to watch Won as he explains. While the words leave his mouth, Mingyu notices his heart continuously swell as more and more is said. He finds himself biting down on his lower lip as his throat seemingly begins to tighten. He felt like he was going to cry, but he was dead set on keeping himself composed. Thankfully, he was succeeding. Instead, he acquired a twinkle to his eye and a faint smile forming once he lets his bottom lip free. His fingers curl around the small gift until he’s holding it tightly in a fist, knowing that he’d now be lost if he ever misplaces it. He’s quiet for a moment, barely realizing that he was still fondly staring at the younger boy. He has so much he wants to say in response, but Won seems to embarrass himself and is quickly rushing off far too soon. Mingyu wants to kick himself for not processing things faster and letting him know how this was the most beautiful thing he’s ever gotten. “I care…” Even though he’s not here to hear him, the whispered words still leave him feeling better about it. He’ll have to wait to tell him in depth how much it means some other day, as he’s now returning with another gift. He was unworthy of this.

The cake looks really good and he feels excited and touched upon discovering that his two favorite people in the whole damn universe are the ones who made it for him. He softly laughs as a look of pure gratitude takes over his features and he steps forward to get a better look at it. “It looks great. Thank you… That’s too many candles, though.” Laughing again, he tightened his grip on the flash drive still in his hand. The smile on Won’s face made his heart soar and his stomach began doing somersaults, so he took another deep breath and nervously played with his small present with his fingers. He wished he could tell him the effect he had on his heart and mind.

Quiet giggles shake his chest at the shorter’s praise to his own card before he settles down and silently listens to him talk once again. The nose crinkle makes him want to lean down and brush their noses together, but that would never happen. Awkwardly, he stands there, a smile unable to leave his face. He still didn’t think he was deserving of Won actually spending money on him, however. The gift is rather heavy and he’s wondering what it could be, but he soon sates his own curiosity by tearing off the paper, using mainly one hand, as he refuses to let go of the rectangular object he’s holding onto. He carefully examines the cover and his throat feels as though it’s closing up for the second time. He looks from his new book to the boy who had given it to him, and while he’s listening to every single word, he still wishes he could cut him off midsentence by kissing him breathless. Words couldn’t describe how happy he made him feel and he only dreamed of being able to properly display that. “I.. I want to. Please.” He paused, sucking in a shaky breath as he nodded, because of course he remembered. “I don’t know who could ever turn down that deal.” His face lit up even more, his smile now wider than it’s been the entire day. “I can’t wait. I love this— all of it. Thank you so much.”

Even though he placed the book down, he kept the smallest item in his hand as he took several steps forward to wrap his arms around his best friend. He held him close and tightly, staying this way for as long as he could considering he wished he’d never have to let go. “I don’t deserve everything that you do for me. You know that I love you, right?” 

If only he knew how much…

[lethe-distillery-blog]

41:13:25

We barely got into the hole in the wall hovel I called home before her lips were on mine. Her touch was searing in the best sort of pain as she slid her hands over my chest in eager and desperate abandon; it was an exquisite sort of torture of those long delicate fingers on my naked, my shirt not having a chance. The tattered scraps fell off my body to land somewhere, forgotten, on the floor. She pulled back and there was something to be said for not being the only one that felt this, whatever the hell 'this' was exactly. "I missed you."

I couldn't help but raise my eyebrow at her, "Really precious?" Though that fuck me voice of hers was making it all sorts of impossible to concentrate, "I had no idea." She flushed a beautiful pink that teased their way down her neck like a cascade of rose petals. As she went to speak I stole another kiss from her honeyed lips that were my very own form of paradise. Our tongues danced together in that wild and exotic dance known as foreplay. I took from her, but I also gave; I gave to her the best parts of me, the salvaged pieces of what could have been a soul though at this point I wasn't quite sure. I pulled back from her, my forehead pressing to hers and breathed against her lips, "I missed you too." I kissed her again, a mere brushing of our lips, "in case that wasn't obvious."

Her smile was like a sunrise, a glistening morning shine that lit up my entire world that something so pure and exquisite could make everything alright. Her touch soothed the pain, her kiss erased the scars; here, before her, I was virginal. She took the monster and made him, well not a man exactly, but perhaps she made him something he had damned himself to try and obtain; a hero. She looked me over, frowning as she fingered the new wounds, the healing scars that were still a bright, angry red. I knew she hated my profession, my art of death, misery, and war. All things macabre fell beneath my jurisdiction and up until I had met my flower. She was the softness I had never been allowed to know, the kindness I was never allowed to feel, the love which was forbidden to something as useless and worthless as I. And I was greedy, I wanted her all to myself.

She bypassed the scars and the wounds, our time too preciously short today to spend fussing over the inconsequentials, like the haunted gaze in her eyes that pretty much killed me. I had a feeling she had seen someone else die recently, she was a guardian creature. And her soul was far too soft, far too precious to watch the truly innocent be sent to death's door for nothing more than the whims of the cosmic powers. Hell, her soul was far too kind, look at where I was after all and I could not only attest to, but I could pretty much brag that I was one of the biggest bastards in the nether realms. "Xeph," my voice came out on a breath as she stroked her hands over a large healing wound that cut me from shoulder to abdomen, the angel's blade had burned like a mother and just now it had finally sealed over properly in a scar than being a raw and naked wound. It was why I had postponed our last meeting, she knew what I did, but oddly, I didn't want her worried about me.

"I know," she sighed and pressed her forehead to my chest and I enclosed her in my arms, feeling her slight frame shaking slightly, "I know." She said again and kissed my chest before looking up at me with eyes so pale a blue they looked almost white as she reached up to cup my jaw. "I just can't stop wanting to be here and guard you, to protect you, and-," she continued cutting me off as I opened my mouth to speak, "I know I can't, but that doesn't change that I want to."

I kissed her, because there was nothing I could say to that, nothing that I could explain to her how much it meant that she actually cared if I dragged myself home at the end of the day, that she actually cared I made it out in one piece, never mind without injury. We both knew it was an impossible dream, but she had hope, because after all, this was impossible too and yet here she stood, maybe she could teach me how to hope too.

She tangled herself up in me, wrapping her arms about my neck and taking a lead I was only too grateful to follow as she brought my lips down to hers, "I only wish I could keep you safe Genesis." I savored those words. For they were the sweetest of all things that had ever been spoken to me and even if she meant that for the here and now, I would treasure them within my breast where I heart should be that once in my life I was worthwhile to someone, not just someone, my Xephira. I kissed her, pressing her against the wall hard enough to make everything rattle and shake but not as hard as I would like. I doubted there was a strength imagined that could satisfy that insanity. I wanted her inside me; inside my chest, invading every cell. I truly and honestly felt like I was experiencing the tantalizing kiss of madness anytime she drew near me. "I need you." That hot breathy moan in my ear did not exactly help me regain any semblance of sanity. "Inside me." Fucking hell, I struggled to breathe, my entire body shaking from pent up desires. I wanted to do this right, I felt like my beautiful flower deserved so much more than the course rough and tumble that an animal could provide. "Now." Well. Fuck.

She pulled from me, a sensual smile making her eyes sparkle like the heavens of creation, her lips pert and succulently sweet still swollen from my kisses. She stripped for me, right in my own kitchen. A tee shirt falling to the floor, followed quickly by a pair of jeans and God in heaven above, I had no idea that a sports bra and boy short panties could be something that could be considered lingerie but if Xeph kept wearing them I would be ruined. They hugged a lithe body that made me jealous, the white cotton only accenting her beautifully luminescent porcelain skin, her platinum blonde hair, and her pale blue eyes looking fluid in their sockets. She stepped and kicked the discarded clothing as she looked up at me. My quivering mass of male stupidity apparently doing wonders to bolster her ego as I struggled to take in every possible detail. "Aren't you going to claim me?" She teased. "Or do I have to take it all off?"

I invaded her space, pressing her against the kitchen table as I swallowed her hips and ass in my large hands and looked down at her, I could feel my powers surging through me but still, she didn't look away. "Mine." It came out a growl, a possessing sound that was commonplace for demon scum like me and yet this was so much more. I let my powers flow out and surround my home in a bubble, a shield of sorts to protect against anyone sensing anything, my flower was mine, and I would fuck up anyone that tried taking her from me in any capacity.

"Yes," her voice was both soothing and yet sensual as hell, "I am yours." She smoothed my hands over my chest, fingers tracing old scars, muscles, and anywhere else the sensual siren decided where she wanted to go. "Aren't I?"

I lost all semblance of control at her delicate nip at my lip, I shoved her onto the table, some foreign part of me was grateful that I had purchased a sturdy one as I grabbed onto her hips and dragged her back towards me and from sheer strength of willpower I shredded her panties off her with a solid pull. Her eyes flared, fear and desire coagulating into an aphrodisiac so potent that I was helpless before. I watched as she freed her bra and freed the succulent breasts I was salivating for. My mouth found her sensitive skin, and I gave myself over to instinct and found myself doing something I swore I would never do again in my life. Trusting someone else.

My teeth grazed over her nipple and I felt her entire body shudder beneath my touch, her legs wrapping around my hips and pressing her delightfully wet pussy against the part of me that needed her attention more than I wanted to breathe. I growled against her skin, sending vibrations arching through her body making her moan and whimper for me in ways that only fueled me on. I sucked hard, feeling the hard and swollen nipple slip into my mouth and I sampled the delicacy that was Xeph's skin. It was salty, sweet, the musk and sweetness of woman that was unique to her alone was something that I craved on the long lonely nights when she wasn't here. I did my best to devour her, to savor her, and to cover myself in her all at once; knowing that this would be all I had left of her until the next time and neither of us knew when that would be. "Please," her fragile voice broke through the screaming insanity of my thoughts, "please, no teasing, just," her voice broke off into a low husky moan as her nails dragged across my back before she let out a pleading whimper. "Please!" Who was I to deny my angel anything she ever wished for?

I fumbled with my jeans, hating the button before I finally got them pulled down enough for my manhood to spring free. Better. I growled low and pinned her in place again though she hadn't moved. Truth be told. I was scared she might, scared she might move, deny me what I needed so badly I honestly wasn't sure how to live with myself if she denied me, I was scared someone might take her, find her, stop her. If I was honest with myself, as my hands slid over her wrists above her head and my cock slid into her hot, wet, waiting body; I was terrified. I pressed into her, her moan sounding like a chorus of heavenly hosts, which I supposed later, it sort of was given that she was one of their numbers. My growl vibrated out of my chest, my demon's body struggling to contain the temporary human-like shell that I exuded, I wasn't concerned if Xeph saw it, she knew me, I had long ago stopped hiding from her but horns made it difficult to have anything considered domiciles and a lack of lips kept me from my most favorite thing in all the realms.

I kissed her. I hoped it was enough given my particular lack of expertise in that area, if determination and need counted for something I knew I would pass with flying colors, it was more any passable degree of skill. Still, I tried, and I knew that Xeph would like that, even if she wasn't consciously aware of anything more than my hips slamming into her, again and again, my entire body shaking from the physical effort and the blinding need for release. Harder I took her, seeking to bring her to the same cusp of pleasure I needed, the same destination where nothing else mattered. Her body clenched on mine and I howled out my release. A counterpoint to her shrieking cry that deafened me as well as any banshee. Our limbs tangled in passionate bliss as we flew together. Past heaven, past creation, and past everything known into only what is felt.

I collapsed, breathing hard, shaking with the pleasure that crackled through me like lightning. My entire body jerked and spasmed as my orgasm worked its way out. Only Xephira had ever caused that, ever. Only she, with nothing more than her hand to my cheek, lips to mine, and a look in her eyes could make me feel like I was more than I ever hoped to be. She was limp and spent beneath me, her body fluid and graceful, legs and arms lazily draped over me and I would choose to be nowhere else. "You," who knew breathing was so fucking hard? "are fucking incredible." Her smile was wan, her arms tightening subtly and she leaned up to kiss me.

Unfortunately. She never got the chance.

I felt the pull for a heartbeat, a feeling where your insides are being sucked up through a straw before the rest of you follows. I fought it for only a second before I recognized the powers and let go, after I had clothed myself. I stood up straight and glared in a reckless abandon at my summoner. "You called my royal candle?"

"What the fuck were you doing?"

I raised my eyebrow at the royal haughty tone and stared at the man that had spoke. Like Xeph, he was perfection in features. His masculinity was nearly pretty if it weren't for the scruff along his jaw and blue eyes that narrowed on me with a silent warning. I didn't heed it. "Getting laid. Who the fuck pissed in your cheerios this morning?" I really shouldn't taunt the beast but hell, he made it so easy sometimes. His wings flashed out, unlike Xeph's that were a pristine white, his were a deep golden, lush and luxurious, the sign of an archangel. Lucifer, the Light Bringer. Queen Bitch when it suited him.

"That's not allowed in my domain!"

Fucking hell, someone really was pissed. "Lucifer. Really?" I spread my hands and indicated my surroundings, the skeleton throne he sat on, the lake of burning sulfur in the distance where the screams of the damned still cried out and the nine planes of hell that one Dante Alighieri got remarkably accurate. "This is hell buddy, didn't think there was a better place to commit debauchery." He glared at me, and if looks could kill I was pretty sure I would be nothing more than a stain on the wall and smoldering ash of the floor, lucky for me, he didn't have that power.

I froze as a familiar fissure of power crawled down my spine and Xeph flashed into the room, she must have followed my signature. She was facing me and away from the royal hot-head so she didn't see the startled look on his face before it turned into a mask of hatred and complete revulsion. "There you are, I was wondering what happened to you." She ran to me and checked me over to see if any new wounds had happened; honestly, in this place, anything was possible.

"What," Lucifer's voice was a loud booming echo that made everything reverberate and I pulled Xeph behind me, "are you doing here?"

Xeph turned to glare at him, eyes flashing vibrant blue fire, her armor flowing over her in ribbons of molten silver, her wings flashing out like ivory and a long gown of pure snow white covering the silver and gold patterns that scrawled over her armor. "You!" I looked down at my angel, granted she was facing off against the archnemesis of her king but even so, I hadn't ever heard that much venom in a single word from anyone, ever, and that included my own mother.

"Baby," she looked to me and I nearly took a step back from the glowing, righteous anger that burned through her making her nearly glow. Fuck, how screwed up was I that I hadn't seen anything hotter than the color in her cheeks, the way her breasts heaved on every breath, and the way those eyes glowed, mm, it would leave me hard for a month. "How about we leave the big badass annoyance to me?" I didn't want to play the, I am the male so let me be the idiot card, but there were two things. Firstly, I was stronger, she couldn't deny that, I fought her brethren all the time on the mortal plane, I knew that between the two of us, I stood the better chance. And secondly, I wanted to be the hero, for once in my useless existence.

"You think you can stand up to me!" Well no, I don't think that matchstick but any life without Xeph in it wasn't any sort of living at all, so, let's just cut to the chase and just end my existence already and give her the chance to move on. "I am a god!" Yes, sweet cheeks, you are, there-there, I didn't mean to bruise that sensitive ego of yours.

Xeph looked up at me, the fury in her eyes being replaced by a concerned, and yes, gods damn me, worried expression. "Genesis," her hand reached towards me, her succulent lips looking so damn inviting as she kissed me lightly, it was so soft and sweet that even Lucifer's shriek of indignation in the background couldn't stop it from being one of the best things that ever happened to me. She was soft, exquisite perfection. "Please be-."

Her last word was likely going to be careful, my Xephira was a guardian soul, a creature that always wished care onto everyone. But the shrieking howl of sound and the pain that came as I slammed into the wall definitely put an end to that sentimentality in a hurry. I heard her scream in terror and anger, I couldn't see much besides swirling clouds of dust and ash as I tried to remember how to breathe properly. Well, that fucking hurt. I staggered to my feet.

"How dare you bring a creature like that into my domain!" Lucifer was snarling pointing to where Xeph stood, fury rose but I beat it down, to lose cool in any battle was a sign for death. And strangely, ever since I met Xeph, I didn't feel like dying yet.

"Fucking hell," I coughed up blood and wiped it away with a back of the hand as I brought my full demon to the surface. It wasn't exactly painful to shift, more like a molding of shape, cracking knuckles, that sort of thing. Xeph looked to me and paled. Not of fear, she had seen me before when I had gone to her when Michael had caved in my chest. Funny how what I had thought would be my final goodbye had turned into her healing me against her own doctrines. Ah, my Xeph was nothing if not kind. "If you wanted one, we could have found you one, though I doubt any of them would look at a face like that and feel much more than revulsion."

My armor slid into place as the next bolt came flying at me, this time, I was ready for it. I batted it away with my shield, the residual energies making my arm go numb. Lucifer was standing in his full regal glory, his hair blazing an ethereal gold, standing a few inches off the floor with his arms outstretched, golden wings stretched behind him in a grand display of power and his golden armor was chipped, battered, blackened by his fall to earth. He pulled out his sword, the blade impossibly bright and forcing me to squint, well, that would explain where he got his title from. "Kneel you insolent insect!"

I would have argued but that would have required some sort of time for the reaction, instead, I was defending from a vicious offense as Lucifer charged at me and I did my best to protect my chest. The armor was not quite healed from where Gabriel had decided to nearly cut me in two and I could do without Lucifer here finishing the job he had started. I was a cockroach but I think that even they die when you decide to cut one of them in half, better to not chance that. The one issue with demon armor, it was directly tied to me and my well being, meaning that both I and Nessia were fighting with a handicap against the lord of all evil. It was about here that I regretted my obsession to be the hero.

The sound of conflict is defeaning, the sounds of metal on metal, the shrieking hiss of bolts of energy and the sizzle as the very air around you turns to plasma and melts to the floor. Yeah. Fighting mythological badasses is not nearly as much fun as the books in the human world would like to have you think. But as the fight wore on I found out something startling, I was winning. Not by much and any sort of cockiness would likely end with me being skewered like a kebab. But yeah, I was winning. What the shit? I was even more on guard, suspecting it to be a trap, a lure into false confidence. I refused to give it any more thought, anything that was not in the here and now would be the death of me.

Lucifer shrieked and blasted me again, the weight full on the center of my chest, Nessia screamed out and I held on tight making sure we both got out of here in one piece. But as the sensation faded and I came through and knocked Lucifer to the ground and slammed my foot on his back did I notice something. I was used to this pain, this misery was nothing I wasn't used to. My mouth started moving, connecting the dots before my conscious thoughts could catch up. "You are not a god!" I spat blood on the floor, fuck, I really hoped he didn't have the strength to get up, even breathing hurt, "You are nothing but an archangel!" And I fought archangels all the damn time.

Lucifer stopped squirming as I pressed the blade of my axe to the back of his neck in warning though I doubted I could cut through butter with the thing. I was so tired, and in so much pain it was everything I could do to stay standing. Still, I pressed down harder, not really a challenge to do thank the gods. "Go ahead," he seethed, "kill me! Become your fucking hero!" I winced, bastard really did know how to hit home but as I looked over to Xeph my conviction solidified.

"No." I managed to sound a lot more in control of the situation than I felt, "How about I don't." He shrieked and clawed at the floor trying to rise but I pressed my blade against the back of his neck a little harder and he stilled again. "Now, what we know, is that I can beat you. That I, personally, know you're not a god, you are nothing but what we have to fight on a daily basis. That you are nothing special."

"What about her?" Lucifer snarled and I looked over to Xeph, praying she wouldn't betray my exhaustion if he did anything more passable than a struggle I was fucked.

"I can't lie if someone asks me," she spoke helplessly with a shrug. I knew that already, we were both damn lucky that no one had asked her about us or she would have outed us simply because it was in her nature.

"Directly." The voice was a snarl as if he couldn't believe he was helping us. "You don't have to answer anything completely that isn't a direct question."

She glared down at the creature still under my boot heel. "Are you sure?"

"Xeph, baby girl," I chastised a little as all the connections became clear, "you are talking to the King of Lies and Spinner of the Truth, I think if anyone knows how to work words into being what they're not, it's him. Besides, he wants to protect you now so that if you are confronted you know what to do so then you don't slip and let a very embarrassing truth slip too." I indicated down.

Her eyes flashed with understanding and the smile that spread over her lips was the closest thing to evil I ever wanted my angel to come. "Ah," her voice came out on a breathy sigh, "I get it." She nodded and I lifted my foot. Lucifer scrambling to a standing position, fury in his eyes at me and I shrugged at him.

"I'm a demon, the only one I won't lie to is Xeph." He glared harder as Xeph came up to me and wrapped her arm around me. "Besides, you can have the boss position, I don't want the headache. But know that if you ever come after me and mine again, I will end you." My voice held a solid steel conviction that I wasn't sure I could carry through but Lucifer gave me a slight nod of understanding though I had no doubt he would be doing his best to get me killed from now on.

"Genesis," Xeph's voice held a note of warning in it and I was instantly on guard as I looked around searching for other demons, or worse, angels, I would have to kill. "We do have one more problem." I turned slowly, seeing no one I finally faced her when she pulled my face to look at hers. I was too tired to go back to the more humane figure she knew. "We," she hesitated and I could feel my entire body tensing, "didn't use protection, this last time." I ignored Lucifer's dry chuckle.

"Well." I drew the word out on a sigh, "fuck me."

[diaryofababychristian-blog]

My Testimony

I was the rebellious middle child of our family of five. My parents knew me as the selfish, sensitive, fearless, independent woman, who always insists on what she wants. I was born and grew up with a religious background and was a proud member of one of the most influential religions in the Philippines. Our family is very involved in church works, volunteering in almost all the activities hosted by the church & tirelessly inviting non-believers in evangelical missions and efforts.

Judgment Day or Jesus’ second coming is often discussed in almost every church service, which fixed my focus more on God’s wrath and how to avoid experiencing eternal punishment rather than God’s love, forgiveness and the significance of the cross. The word “grace” was a foreign word to me because we are taught that in order to enter heaven, we need to secure our membership and loyalty to the church, convert non-believers to our religion, and do good works. This idea of exclusivity made me hold on to my membership so I guarded it with my life, since this gave me the assurance of my salvation. My membership became my God instead of God Himself.

We were also taught that Jesus is not God, but a man who was simply used by the Father as a mediator in order for us to receive salvation. Since the doctrines were very heavy & centered on legalism and theories, which I admit, I’m not very good at; I resorted to not reading the Bible myself and laid my complete trust on how my previous church understood God’s Word. Unfortunately by doing so, this led me into a stage of complacency of my handpicked knowledge of the Bible, which are misleading and always taken out of context. I would also bash and compare other churches’ core teachings with ours, and label them as the false prophets that Jesus warned us about.

Being confident of my special place in heaven, I never bothered to pursue a loving relationship with God. My satisfaction rested on the concept of escaping hell but never understood that God is the greater treasure that I should look forward to. I only pray during church services every week, and barely communicate with God through personal prayers. Most of my major decisions in life were chosen by me; without praying about it first and seeking God’s approval, or even without my parents’ consent. But living as a daughter of one of the pioneers of our local church, I was pressured and did my best to keep a clean and spotless image for all to see. I was too afraid to bring embarrassment to my family and our reputation in the church that I started living a double life that was drawn to total disobedience to God and focused on feeding my selfish appetite.

By giving myself the ultimate control of my life, it brought me to a sexual affair with someone who was in a relationship. I easily fell into the trap of this deceitful man, who manipulated me to engage a secret relationship with him by telling me that he wants to pursue me. I slowly became emotionally attached to him, acting like a mistress by keeping our dirty secrets, and was honestly on the edge of falling in love with him. After a series of drama, he finally called it quits by telling me that he needed to be unfaithful to his girlfriend and plant guilt in his heart because, apparently, he needed to refuel his fire to pursue his girlfriend, since their relationship was on the rocks at that time. My heart shattered when I realized that I was used.

I would say that God allowed me to experience this kind of pain, enough for me to distance myself from going religiously to church, believing that God’s wrath is coming my way anytime soon. I found it hard to admit what I did, for the fear of exposure and losing my beloved membership. I was clueless about what to do for God to forgive me of everything I did to hurt Him. Basically, I underestimated His love and His ability to bestow mercy on my sinful past.

By the grace of God, He sent me good Christian friends who relentlessly invited me to Bible studies. I agreed to attend because at that point, I assumed that I no longer had anything to lose because God gave up on me anyway. I found myself attending Bible studies in CCF Makati with them more and more because somehow, it helped me discover some of God’s characteristics that I didn’t know of before. Slowly, I started understanding the importance of His blood on the cross, and how that is enough to receive forgiveness for my past sins. After weeks of encouragement, I opened and read the Bible by myself for the first time in my life. Day by day, the Holy Spirit would guide me through my devotionals and made me feel that God is really reaching out to me. Little did I know, God was slowly introducing Himself to me... He gradually lifted the veil on my eyes that hindered me from seeing a loving, gracious, beautiful God that He is. True enough, I’d say that I encountered God in a personal way.      

As I continued with my spiritual walk with Jesus, I still struggled to understand the concept of Jesus’ death and resurrection and why He really did it. Before, by just the sight of the shape of the cross, my eyes would automatically look away. I considered it as an idol, an object that is worshiped and is unnecessary. But praise God for giving me a brand new perspective of what was once a symbol of death and sin, now became a symbol of unconditional love and obedience, all because of Jesus Christ. It also helped me grasp this ultimate “public display of affection” during my first meeting with my discipleship group in Walkway in BGC two holy weeks ago. Understanding the weight of the cross has revealed to me a love so vast that I cannot even fathom. What Jesus did in the Calvary is something so beautiful that I cannot help but ignore. He paid a debt He didn’t owe to satisfy a debt I couldn’t pay.

Romans 8:38-39 says, “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

He was thinking of me with every spit on his face, every whip on his back, every drop of His blood, every pound on the nails, every tear, and up to His last breath, He obeyed the Father whole-heartedly for me to taste this freedom that I am enjoying right this very moment. By fully embracing Jesus’ life as a worthy sacrifice to cover all my shortcomings with His perfect blood, this beautiful Truth freed me from living a sinful life I once enjoyed. This genuine peace and joy in my heart is the overflow of His love. A love that gave me a fresh new start, as I try my very best to live in obedience to God’s Word and bring glory to Him in every way that I can.

And exactly two years ago, after deciding to surrender my life to Jesus Christ and allowed Him to take the driver’s seat, I publicly declared my commitment to obey and follow Him through baptism. It was a moment of undeniable bliss and my heart is just overflowing with joy and happiness, and became a start of my boldness to share this experience with God and how He can restore a wreck like me.

By His grace alone, I was able to use my spiritual gifts of faith and encouragement to lift up my fellow brothers and sisters who find it easy to open their lives to me. I also maximize the skills in multimedia arts, in helping with the advancement of His Kingdom and to bless others as well. God also allowed me to serve in different retreats like CCF Metro West’s True Life Retreat, Secrets of the Vine Module 2 Retreat, and Friday Night Light, one of the singles ministries in CCF Makati. I am also actively using Facebook as a platform to spread the Gospel to my family and friends by posting Bible verses, short devotionals and inspirational posts in the hopes of reaching out to more and more souls that, I pray, will eventually lead towards a personal encounter with Jesus Christ.

As the first Christian in our home, I face persecution every now and then, but my hope rests in His palms, believing that Jesus is already victorious in all the battles that I am currently experiencing. Every time I encounter these kinds of challenges from my family, I just look up the cross and imagine what Jesus had gone through for me. That way, I draw strength from Him to face each and every persecution that I will be facing to protect my relationship with the Lord.

Not in a million years will I ever deserve His love that is sacrificial and free from what-ifs. I did absolutely nothing but You, Jesus, did everything for me. I deserve eternal death, but because of Your deep compassion, You allowed Yourself to endure the cross, and every pain that comes along with it. Thank You for seeing me as someone who is worthy to die for. Thank You for giving me a hope that I can be so much more than my brokenness, and made me feel that my soul means more to You than Your life itself.

My name is Jennifer Piñon, was once lost, blinded from the truth, a slave to sin and of the world, but is rescued, made-whole and forever changed by God’s amazing grace and pure love. This is not my story, but it’s a story of how God intervened to save my soul and was allowed to receive the true and authentic Gospel of Jesus. May all the praises be lifted high to the only One who deserves it all. To God be all the glory and praise forevermore.