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lumini-317 · 3 years ago

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Hello!

This will be my official “introductory” post!

My real name is Erica, but I go by many names. My nickname repertoire includes but is not limited to: Lumi, Lumini, Cricket (I have a habit of rubbing my feet together, lmao), Jinx, Eri, Er, EriJoy, Sunbaeby, and Aceir (my real name but in alphabetical order).

This is my first ever Tumblr blog. I’ve had it for a while but have rarely posted anything, that along with the fact that I’m on mobile is kind of a mess so I apologize for mistakes and all that.

I have 3 older brothers, an older sister, and a younger brother.

I’m an ambivert. Sometimes I love hanging out with bigger groups of people, other times I dread it.

I’ve taken the “16personalities” test 4 times and all 4 put me in the “Diplomat” category, however I got “Advocate” (INFJ) 2 times, and “Protagonist” (ENFJ) and “Mediator” (INFP) 1 time each.

I am LGBTQ+. I’m asexual, aro+panromantic flux, and while I feel like I’m genderfluid, the changes are very subtle and so I sometimes just go with agender, gendervoid, or neutrois. It’s a lot less complicated that way. I’m ambiamorous, and also pronoun apathetic!

I love whump. I’ve loved it for as long as I can remember but only found the whump community maybe 3(?) years ago.

I also love K-Pop, C-Pop, J-Pop, and Asian dramas, mainly K-Pop and K-Dramas, though.

I’m a HUGE multistan. ATEEZ, SKZ, TBZ, EXO, BTS, Red Velvet, SHINee, iKON, MONSTA X, TWICE, TO1, WANNA ONE, SuperM, X1, MIRAE, Ciipher, Golden Child, Purple Kiss, BAE173, SF9, IU, ONEUS, ONEWE, The Rose, PIXY, LUCY, STAYC, WEi (which I pronounced as “way” for an embarrassingly long time), Dreamcatcher, Brave Girls, TXT, ENHYPEN, SNSD, KARD, AKMU, SHAUN, Gaho, NCT, GHOST9, 1team, SE7EN, Cross Gene, D1ce, AB6IX, CRAVITY, BLACKPINK, CIX, VIXX, f(x), 4Minute, CLC, YEZI, B.I, Wonho, (G)I-DLE, EVERGLOW, SEVENTEEN, BROOKLYN, Ha Hyunsang, DAY6, GOT7, Teen Top, BAP, TREASURE, UNIQ, etc! It goes on, far longer than I can list. I am also very much against fanwars, they disgust me.

I’m also a HUGE animal lover, and a big softie. I can’t even squish insects. I don’t care that they can’t feel pain and don’t experience emotions, I just can’t bring myself to. I make it my mission to save any type of animal I come across. I find toads in our koi pond and immediately pick them out and take them to a safe place. I help turtles across the road. I got a mouse out of a puddle and revived it, releasing it when it was healthy enough. I saw a snail on a piece of wood that was going to be thrown on a fire and carefully pulled it off and put it somewhere else. So far I’ve found 5 stray cats (Piper, Toothless, Felix, Kai, and Kit Kat—all were found as skinny, sickly kittens) and took them in, raising them as my own. I rescued a chipmunk from certain death-by-cat. I’ve even saved a few baby raccoons, ducklings, lizards, spiders, and snakes in my time. And I’ll keep doing so for as long as I live.

I love writing, drawing/sketching, and painting, however I’m not confident that I’m good at any of those things, lmao. I mean, I don’t think I’m the worst, but my finished “works” often leave me unsatisfied with my “skills”. But of course, that won’t stop me from trying to improve!

I’m a maladaptive daydreamer. This can cause issues in some places while helping me out in others. On one hand, it makes doing chores and such kind of difficult. Like one time I had to take care of my dad’s pigeons while he was fixing our shed and one time he pointed out how slow I was with the chores. His words were something along the lines of, “I’m already almost done with what I have to do and you’re still working with the pigeons.” Also, it (and maybe ADHD if I do have it?) made school a nightmare for me. But it’s also helpful because then during church it’s really easy to keep myself occupied while the pastors go on about their Magical Sky Daddy™’s son throwing a tantrum and killing a figtree because it didn’t have any figs and how that story should “challenge” us or something.

The characters in my daydreams are weird, though. They merge and separate with each other to make different characters depending on the situation. Most of them don’t have definite genders. Only a handful of them have names because they’re always merging and separating like some kind of Shadow Clone Masters or something. Stuff like that.

One of my characters is for sure a demi-boy, though, and his name is Kyler.

I brought this up because I was watching The Andy Griffith Show and Andy was giving Opie a lecture on how many poor kids there are in the world and used the ratio “one and a half boys per square mile”. Opie then says that he’s “never seen a half a boy before”. Kyler just sort of pops into (fake) existence, jumps off the couch, and throws his arms in the air while saying, “Half a boy, right here!” I burst out laughing. Thankfully it didn’t seem weird, since my parents started laughing at Opie and thought that I was just laughing at it, too.

Any-who.

If I daydream while I’m standing, I’ll often pace and gesture with my arms while moving my lips. Sometimes I’ll even whisper. If I’m sitting down, I usually fidget a lot (such as pick at my shirt and rub my feet together), stare into space, and move my lips or whisper. My family sometimes ask me, “Why are you whispering?” Or, “What are you grinning about?” And I just shrug because I don’t know how to explain it to them without risking them calling someone to pray over me, lmao. I mean, I wasn’t even allowed to have imaginary friends because that was “evil”. When I was about 7, I told my parents about my imaginary unicorn friend and they gave me a lecture and “prayed over me”. It was embarrassing and awkward for me.

I’m suspicious that I might have ADHD, but don’t have the money to actually get a professional diagnosis. I’m also too scared to ask my parents about it.

Speaking of which, my family and I don’t see eye-to-eye. I mean, they don’t know it because I’m good at hiding it, and they think I agree with mostly everything they do but boy, is it a mess.

You see, they’re evangelical conservative Christians. “LGBTQ+ people are going to hell”, “ThE LeFt ARe eViL AnD ARe TrYiNg To BrAiNwAsh OuR ChiLdrEn”, “Trump was sent by God”, “Intersex is fake”, “Women must submit to men”, “You should get married no later than in a year or ‘the temptation’ to have sex might become too much”, the whole bit.

Meanwhile I’m over here with my (imaginary) pride flags, just existing as an agnostic leftist who wants everyone to have equal rights, regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation, and would rather redo my horrifically atrocious kindergarten closing program role than pray to a god who (if they/he/she/it/whatever exists) gives cancer to kids and killed millions of innocent animals and people in the Bible.

But they have no idea that this is how I feel and now expect me to be baptized within the next month to show that I have “accepted Jesus Christ as my savior”. Yeah...that’s gonna be an awkward discussion...

Anyway, that’s just some things about me. Sorry that I got sidetracked a few times, lmao!

I look forward to posting more and maybe even making friends!

Thank you for reading (:

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multifandom-girlie · 4 years ago

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𝐅𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐃𝐚𝐭𝐞

Imagine: Your parents think your bringing home a boyfriend for Christmas but you don't have one, so you ask someone really nicely to be your fake boyfriend.

Pairings: Human!Klaus x Human!Reader

Warnings: none.

Words: 1895

I was just walking out of Mikaelson Enterprises- where I work as Klaus Mikaelson’s assistant. When I get a call. I look down at the screen and notice an image of my mother pop up. Great. Just what I need after a long day of work. I decided to pick up the phone otherwise she will just hound me.

“Hey Mama. What’s up ?”

“Hello Sweetheart, I just wanted to make sure you were still driving down tomorrow and ask how you are ?”

Crap. I forgot I was meant to be driving home tomorrow.

“Uh yeah, I’m still coming down. Also I’m good, how is everyone ?”

“Good apart from you brother, he got into a fight on his last day of school.”

“Mama, don’t go to hard on him you know he’s having a difficult time at the minute with Dad. I’ll talk to him when I get there.”

“Okay I won’t. Anyway I’m excited to meet this new boyfriend of yours.”

“Uh what are you talking about Mama ?”

“Well you promised you were going to bring your boyfriend home this year so that we could all meet him.”

Shit. When did I say that. Damn my mother for having a good memory at such an old age. What am I going to do ? I could say we broke up….but that would break her heart. Fine. She wants a boyfriend of mine, then she’ll get one.

“Yeah sorry Mama, it must of just flew past me just a moment ago. I’ve had a really long day at work and not much sleep.”

“Are you sure your okay to drive down ?”

“Yeah I'm sure. I gotta go Mama, I love you.”

“I love you, Sweetheart.”

I ended the phone call and stood there debating with myself where to find a boyfriend within the 19 hours before I have to leave. Bearing in mind, I still need to cater to my own needs first like sleep, food and most certainly hygiene. The problem is I can’t just go out on a date and invite him to my parents house. Preferably it needs to be someone that I already know and who doesn't have plans. I’m screwed. I know that everyone I know has plans for christmas. The only person that wasn’t was my boss, but that is in all ways wrong. Even if we have hooked up a couple of times. That’s it, if I promise to sleep with him hopefully he’ll do this for me. God forbid something goes wrong.

I walked back into Mikaelson Enterprises and passed Camille, the receptionist with a big fake smile. She’s hated me ever since she found out I got assistant to Klaus and not her but truthfully it’s because she’s too ditzy and clingy too Klaus, since she has the fattest crush on him but moving on. I got out the elevator, once it reached the top floor where Klaus was. I headed to his door and knocked.

“Come in.”

I opened the door and he looked up from his paperwork with a confused look on his face.

“I thought you’d left Miss Y/L/N.”

“Yeah I did, but my Mom called and reminded me about something. Which is actually why I’m here. Could you please please be my fake boyfriend for the week.”

He looked at me and chuckled. He stood up from his chair and leaned on the front of his desk, just in front of where I was seated.

“Your fake boyfriend for a week ? For what ?”

“Christmas.”

“Where ? Why ?”

“My hometown. Also it’s because my mom thinks I’m bringing home a boyfriend and she’s going to be so disappointed when I don’t bring anyone back.”

“What do I get out of it ?”

“What do you want ?”

“I want to take you out on an actual date afterwards.”

Woah this just went down an unexpected pathway.

“What ? You want to take me out ?”

“Is there a problem with that ?”

“No ! There’s no problem, unexpected is all.”

“Right okay then, I’ll arrive at yours with my belongings tomorrow morning at 9am.”

“Perfect. I’m leaving at 10am.”

I smiled at him and walked out, surprised by what had just happened. Nevertheless, I got home ate my dinner, showered and went to bed.

When I got up the next morning, I brushed my teeth got some coffee and put my bags in the car. Once I was ready I looked at the time, 8:59 am. I heard a knock on the door and thought it as weird that it could be Klaus since it had only just turned 9am. Weirdo. As soon as I opened the door, I led him to my car and drove off just after he had secured himself in.

______________________________________________________________

13 Hours Later

Luckily Klaus was asleep for the most of it, so I just listened to my music and drove. He woke up with around an hour left on the drive, so we actually had a nice normal conversation. As soon as I pulled up outside the house, my mom and dad were stood outside waiting for me. I got out the car and ran to my dad, who has his arms wide open for me. I jumped into his arms and he held me very tightly and kisses my head. I giggled when he spun me around.

“Hi Daddy, I missed you so much.”

“We all missed you so much more sweetheart.”

I pulled away from my dad and pulled my mom in for a tight hug.

“Hi Mama.”

“Welcome home baby ! Now where is he ?!”

“Oh right.”

I ran over to Klaus, grabbed his hand and quickly whispered in his ear.

“Follow my lead okay.”

He nodded and I held his hand and walked over towards them. We stopped in front of them and my mom couldn’t stop smiling, my dad however didn’t look massively impressed.

“Mom, Dad… this is Klaus Mikaelson. My boyfriend.”

“Mikaelson as in Mikael and Esther Mikaelson ?!”

I looked at my dad confused as he said that, how would he know his parents already when me and Klaus weren’t actually dating. I haven’t even met them and they are the owners of the company I work for.

“Uh yes sir.”

“Dad, how’d you know that ?”

“Me and Mikael don’t get along very well that’s all.”

“Right, well it’s Christmas Eve and it’s getting late already Y/N you’ve been driving so long, why don’t you and Klaus go and unpack in your room and then come down and see everyone to drink some hot cocoa and watch films.”

“Okay Mama.”

I took Klaus in and was immediately bombarded by my youngest niece, Skylar.

“Hey Sky, I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too Auntie Y/N, who is this ?”

“Sky, why don’t you give us 5 minutes and then I will come down and tell everyone okay ?”

“Okay Zia.”

I smiled at her, loving the fact she’s started to embrace her Italian side now than pushing it away.

“So that’s why I don’t understand you when your mad sometimes ?”

“What do you mean, Klaus ?”

“I mean, you speak Italian when you get mad.”

“Oh right, yeah I try not to but it’s just natural.”

“So your fluent ?”

“Oh yeah my whole family is, I was actually born in Italy but we moved here when I was 2 for my Dad’s work, since he used to work in the army.”

“That’s quite cool.”

“Thankyou.”

We headed to my room and I started to unpack until I saw him just standing at my door, not doing anything.

“You know you can unpack if you want, I’ll leave you 2 drawers. There’s not much room elsewhere in the house with everyone here. So your gonna have to stay with me.”

“Okay.”

When we finished unpacking, we headed downstairs so I could introduce everyone to Klaus and reunite with my family.

“Hey everybody !”

Everyone turned around with massive grins and I managed to get around and hug everyone.

“Before we go any further, everyone this is my boyfriend Klaus Mikaelson.”

“As in Elijah ?”

What the hell is with my family knowing everyone but him in his family.

“Okay wait, your the second person to mention another one of his family members. Who else knows any Mikaelsons ?”

Three of the eleven-excluding myself and Klaus- raised their hands. My younger sister, my father, my younger brother and my sister’s boyfriend. Eventually, we found out Camilla had slept with his older brother Elijah, my father we already knew had met his parents, Christian used to be friends with Klaus’ younger brother Kol and Blaine used to date Rebekah and while back.

We eventually got over that and sat down as it was late already to watch a film and drink hot cocoa, I felt bad about leaving Klaus isolated from everyone even if Skylar was fussing over him. So I sat next to him on the couch and put a blanket over us before the film started and Skylar relaxed on the other side of me, hugging my side.

Twenty minutes into the film, my nerves from sitting next to Klaus watching films and drinking hot cocoa with my family lessened and I relaxed a bit more. That was until, Klaus put his arm on the back of the sofa and I started to fall asleep-causing me to fall into his side. When my head hit his chest, my eyes opened immediately almost as if they never closed in the first place.

“Sorry, I’m so tired.”

He chuckled and rested his hand on the side of my head bringing it back to his chest.

“It’s fine, it’s what couples do…also you have been driving all day. If you fall asleep, I promise I will take you to bed.”

I looked into his eyes and smiled before I pushed the boundaries I had made in my head and wrapped my arm around his stomach. My fingers brushed against the warm skin on his stomach as his sweatshirt had rode up a bit. I blushed very much and I’m return I felt a chuckled vibrate on my cheeks and Klaus’ hand rest on my hip as my shirt had rode up a little too. I looked up at him and without even taking any thinking time his hand gently but quickly pulled my lips closer to his and pressed them against mine. We made out for a few minutes before pulling away.

“There’s nothing weirder than making out with your boss whilst my 9yr old niece is staring at us.”

We chuckled and looked at her and she immediately averted her eyes.

“I don’t care who’s watching, I’ve wanted to do that for years.”

“Seriously ? Why haven’t you ?”

“I can’t make a spectacle in the workplace.”

“Your such a twat, Thank You for doing this. Your making it hard for me to say no to that date you asked me on. Unless you promise me that is not the last time you kiss me like that because…wow.”

He chuckled and kissed me again. I can quite easily say that I do not regret lying to my mom for once in my life. If it wasn’t for me lying, I wouldn’t have got this opportunity.

MASTERLIST

#klaus mikaelson #klaus x reader #klaus mikealson x reader #the vampire diaries #the originals #christmas #december #countdown #italian #the originals imagines #to imagine #imagines #tvd imagine #the vampire diaries imagine

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rigmarolling · 5 years ago

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Historical Holiday Traditions We Really Need To Bring Back

Here comes Santa Claus, and also a bunch of annual holiday Things we do to ensure he commits a truly boggling act of breaking and entering and leaves goods underneath the large plant in the living room.

Because I’ve always got a hankerin’ for the days of yore, here are some historical holiday traditions we really need to bring back:

1. Everything that happened on Saturnalia

Saturnalia was the ancient Roman winter festival held on December 25th--which is why we celebrate Christmas on that day and not on the day historians speculate Jesus was actually born, which was probably in the spring.

Saturnalia was bonkers. As the name suggests, it celebrated the god Saturn, who represented wealth and liberty and generally having a great time.

Above: Their party is way cooler than yours could ever hope to be.

During Saturnalia, masters would serve their slaves, because it was the one day during the year when everybody agreed that freedom for all is great, actually, let’s just do that. Everyone wore a coned hat called the pilleus to denote that they were all bros and equal, and also to disguise the fact that they hadn’t brushed their hair after partying hard all week, probably.

Gambling was allowed on Saturnalia, so all of Rome basically turned into ancient Vegas, complete with Caesar’s Palace, except with the actual Caesar and his palace because he was, you know. Alive.

The most famous part (besides getting drunk off your rocker) was gift-giving--usually gag gifts. Historians have records of people giving each other some truly impressive white elephant gifts for Saturnalia, including: a parrot, balls, toothpicks, a pig, one single sausage, spoons, and deliberately awful books of poetry.

Above: Me, except all the time.

Partygoers also crowned a King of Saturnalia, which was a predecessor to the King of Fools popular in medieval festivals. The king was basically the head idiot who delivered absurd commands to everyone there, like, “Sing naked!” or “run around screaming for an hour,” or “slap your butt cheeks real hard in front of your crush; DO IT, Brutus.”

Oh, wait. Everyone was already doing all that. Hell yes.

(Quick clarification: early celebrations of Saturnalia did feature human sacrifice, so let’s just leave that bit out and instead wear the pointy hats and sing naked, okay? Io Saturnalia, everybody.)

2. Leaving out treats for Sleipnir in the hopes of avoiding Odin’s complete disregard for your property

The whole “leave out cookies and milk for Santa” thing comes from a much older tradition of trying to appease old guys with white beards. In Norse mythology, Odin, who was sort of the head god but preferred to be on a perpetual road trip instead, took an annual nighttime ride through the winter sky called the Wild Hunt.

Above: The holidays, now with 300% more heavy metal.

Variations of the Wild Hunt story exist in a bunch of European folklore--in Odin’s case, he usually brought along a bunch of supernatural buddies, like spirits and other gods and Valkyries and ghost dogs, who, the Vikings said, you could hear howling and barking as the group approached (GOOD DOGGOS).

That was the thing, though; you never actually saw Odin’s hunt--you only heard it. And hearing it did not spark the same sense of childish glee you felt when you thought you heard Santa’s sleigh bells approaching as a kid--instead, the Vikings said, you should be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

Because Odin could be kind of a dick.

Odin was also known as the Allfather, and like any father, he hated asking for directions. GPS who? I’m the Allfather, I’m riding the same way I always ride.

And that was pretty much it: “I took this road last year and I’m taking it again this year.”

“But,” someone would pipe up from the back, “there are houses on the road now--we’re gonna run right into them. We could just take a different path; there’s actually a detour off the--”

“Nope,” Odin would say. “They know the rules. My road, my hunt, my rules. We’re going this way.”

So if you were unlucky enough to have built your house along one of Odin’s favorite road trip sky-ways, he wouldn’t just plow right past you.

He would burn your entire house down--and your family along with it.

Kids playing in the yard? Torch ‘em; they should have known better. Grandma knitting while she waits for her gingerbread Einherjar to finish baking? Sucks to be her; my road, my rules, my beard, I’m the Allfather, bitch.

Above: Santa, but so much worse.

To be fair to Odin, he could be a cool guy sometimes. He just turned into any dad when he was on a road trip and wanted to MAKE GOOD TIME, DAMN IT, I AM NOT STOPPING; YOU SHOULD HAVE PEED BEFORE WE LEFT.

To ensure they didn’t incur Odin’s road trip wrath, the Vikings had a few ways of smoothing things over with Dad.

They would leave Odin offerings on the road, like pieces of steel (??? okay ???) or bread for his dogs, or food for his giant, eight-legged horse, Sleipnir, because the only true way to a man’s heart is through his pet.

People would generally leave veggies and oats and other horse-y things out for Sleipnir, whose eight legs made him the fastest flying horse in the world and also made him the only horse to ever win Asgard’s coveted tap dancing championship.

(Side note: EIGHT legs...EIGHT tiny reindeer...eh? Eh? See how we got here? Thanks, nightmare horse!)

Above: An excellent prancer AND dancer.

And if Odin was feeling particularly charitable and not in the mood for horrific acts of arson, children would also leave their shoes out for him--it was said that he’d put gifts in your boots to ring in a happy new year.

If all that didn’t work and the Vikings heard the hunt approaching, they would resort to throwing themselves on the ground and covering their heads while the massive party sped above them like a giant Halloween rager.

So this holiday season, leave your boots out for Odin and some carrots out for his giant spider horse or you and your entire family will die in a fiery inferno, the end.

3. Yule Logs

Speaking of Scandinavia, another Northern European winter solstice tradition was the yule log. Today, if you google “yule log,” something like this will pop up:

...which isn’t an actual log, but is instead log-shaped food that you shove into your mouth along with 500 other cakes at the same time because it’s CHRISTMAS, and I’m having ME TIME; so WHAT if I ate the whole jar of Nutella by myself, alone, in the dark at 3 am?

But that log cake is actually inspired by actual logs of yore that Celtic, Germanic, and Scandinavian peoples decorated with fragrant plants like holly, ivy, pinecones, and other Stuff That Smells Nice before tossing the log into the fire.

This served a few purposes:

It smelled nice, and Bath and Body Works scented candles hadn’t been invented yet.

It had religious and/or spiritual significance as a way to mark the winter solstice.

It was a symbolic way of ringing in the new year and kicking out the old.

Common belief held that the ashes of a yule log could ward off lightning strikes and bad energy.

Winter cold. Fire warm.

Everybody loves to watch things burn. (See: Odin.)

The yule log cakes we eat today got their start in 19th century Paris, when bakers thought it was a cute idea to resurrect an ancient pagan tradition in the form of a delicious dessert, and boy, howdy, were they right.

In any case, I’m 100% down with eating a chocolate yule log while burning an actual yule log in my backyard because everybody loves to watch things burn; winter cold, fire warm; and hnnnngggg pine tree smell hnnnnggg.

(Quick note: The word “yule” is the name of a traditional pagan winter festival, still celebrated culturally or religiously in modern pagan practice. It’s also another name for Odin. He had a bunch of other names, one of the most well-known being jólfaðr, which is Old Norse for “Yule father.” If you would like to royally piss him off, or if you are Loki, feel free to call him “Yule Daddy.”)

4. Upside down Christmas trees

I just found out that apparently, upside down Christmas trees are a hot new trend with HGTV types this year, so I guess this is one historical trend we did bring back, meaning it doesn’t really belong on this list, but I’m gonna talk about it, anyway.

Side note: Oh, my god, that BANNISTER. I NEED.

Historians aren’t actually sure where the inverted Christmas tree thing came from, but we know people were bringing home trees and then hanging them upside down in the living room as early as the 7th century. We have a couple theories as to why people turned trees on their heads:

Logistically, it’s way easier to hang a giant pine tree from your rafters upside down by its trunk and roots. You just hoist that baby up there, wind some rope around the rafter and the trunk, and boom. Start decorating.

A Christian tradition says that one day in the 7th century, a Benedictine monk named Saint Boniface stumbled across a group of pagans worshipping an oak tree. So, instead of minding his own damn business, he cut the tree down and replaced it with a fir tree. While the pagans were like, “Dude, what the hell?” Boniface used the triangular shape of the fir tree to explain the concept of the holy trinity to the pagans. Some versions have him planting it right-side up, others having him displaying a fir tree upside down. Either way, it’s still a triangle that’s a solid but ultimately very rude way of explaining God. Word’s still out on whether anyone was converted or just rightly pissed off that this random guy strolled into their place of worship, chopped down their sacred tree, and plopped HIS tree down instead. Please do not do that this holiday season.

Eastern Europeans lay claim to the upside-down tree phenomenon with a tradition called podłazniczek in Poland--people hung the tree from the ceiling and decorated it with fruits and nuts and seeds and ribbons and other festive doodads.

(God, who lives in these houses? Look at that. That’s like a swanky version of Gaston’s hunting lodge. Where do I get one? Which enchanted castle do I have to stumble into to chill out in a Christmas living room like that?)

Today, at least in the West, upside-down trees are making a comeback because...I don’t know. Chip and Joanna Gaines said so.

Some folks say it’s a surefire way to keep your cats from clawing their way through the tree and then puking up fir needles for weeks afterward, which checks out for me.

5. Incredibly weird Victorian Christmas cards

So back in the 19th century, the Christmas card industry was really getting fired up. Victorians loved their mail, let me tell you. They loved sending it. They loved getting it. They loved writing it. They loved opening it. They loved those sexy wax seals you use to keep all that sweet, sweet mail inside that sizzling envelope. (Those things are incredibly sexy. Have you ever made a wax seal? Oh, man, it’s hot.)

The problem, though, was that while the Victorians arguably helped standardize many of the holiday traditions we know and love today (Christmas trees, caroling, Dickens everything, spending too much money, etc.) back in 1800-whenever, a lot of that Christmas symbolism was, um...still under construction. No one had really agreed on which visual holiday cues worked and which...didn’t.

Meaning everyone just kind of made up their own holiday symbols. Which resulted in monstrous aberrations like this card:

What the hell is that? A beet? Is that a beet? Or a turnip? Why is it...oh, God, why does it have a man’s head? Why does the man beet have insect claws?

What is it that he’s holding? A cookie? Cardboard? A terra cotta planter?

And then there’s this one:

“A Merry Christmas to you,” it says, while depicting a brutal frog murder/mugging.

What are you trying to tell me? Are you threatening me with this card? Is that it? Is this a threat? How the hell am I supposed to interpret this? “Merry Christmas, hide your money or you’re dead, you stupid bitch.”

Also, why is the dead frog naked? Did the other frog steal his clothes after the murder? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?

Victorian holiday cards also doubled as early absurdist Internet memes, apparently, because how else do I explain this?

Is this some sort of tiny animal Santa? A mouse riding a lobster? Like, the mouse, I get. Mice are fine. Disney built an empire on a mouse. And look, he’s got a little list of things he’s presumably going to bring you: Peace, joy, health, happiness. (In French. Oh, wait, is that that Patton Oswalt rat?)

But a LOBSTER? What’s with the lobster? It’s basically a sea scorpion. Why in the name of all that is good and holy would you saddle up a LOBSTER? I hate it. I hate it so, so much. Just scurrying around the floor with more legs than are strictly necessary, smelling like the seafood section of Smith’s, snapping its giant claws.

This whole card is a health inspector��s worst nightmare. It really is.

I gotta say, though, I am a fan of this one:

Presumably, that polar bear is going in for a hug because nothing stamps out a polar bear’s innate desire to rip your face from your skull than candy canes and Coke and Christmas spirit.

This next one is actually fantastic, but for all the wrong reasons:

I know everyone overuses “same” these days but geez, LOOK at that kid. I can HEAR it. SAME.

If you’ve ever been in a shopping mall stuffed with kids, nothing sums it up better than this card. This is like the perverse version of those Anne Geddes portraits that were everywhere in the late 90s. “Make wee Jacob sit in the tea pot; everyone will--Jacob, STOP, look at Mommy; I said LOOK. AT. MOMMY--everyone will love it.”

Actually, you know what? Every other Christmas card is cancelled. This is the only card we will be using from now on. This is it.

Wait, no. We can also use this one:

Merry Christmas. Here’s a fuckin��...just a dead fuckin’ bird.

#victorian #listory #christmas #holidays #mythtory #norse mythology #odin

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goddessofthundathighs · 6 years ago

Text

V. DINNER DATE

“Why didn't you tell me you had the tongue of an anteater? It seems like something you would've brought up once or twice since we've been in such close quarters,” O'Shea inquired as the two women strolled down Rodeo Drive. As promised, after they finished lunch Skylar took her shopping to search for a gown for the conference as well as to reward Shea for behaving so well during her little experiment. Sky’s response wasn’t immediate. She simply chuckled before removing the Prada shades from her face and using them as a makeshift headband to tame her natural curls.

“One, you never asked, and two, I’m a lesbian and an expert in female anatomy. Not knowing how to eat pussy is a disservice to myself as well as to my profession.”

“Touché,” O’Shea replied. There wasn’t much she could say after such an explanation. With that, the ladies continued their trip, spending an obscene amount of money, but Sky felt like they both deserved it. After spending several hours in Chanel, Gucci, and Christian Louboutin, the pair had dinner and then retired to their respective living quarters.

Conference Day

O’Shea sat behind the desk, iMac open to her emails, sketchbook open to her latest design, and her iPhone blasting her Créme de la Pénis playlist. The sensualness of the sexually charged lyrics helped fuel her creativity when it came to new design concepts. Just as she was finding her groove, the music stopped, interrupted by an incoming FaceTime call.

“Yes Dr. Stevens?”

“Good afternoon, Ms. Powell, you look beautiful today.” Her heart fluttered at his compliment, but she wouldn’t dare let him know that. It the short time that they had known one another, he had unlocked almost all of her sexual kinks and they had yet to have sex. O’Shea was perplexed yet intrigued and therefore continued in the sweet torture.

“Why thank you, Dr. Stevens. What do I owe the pleasure of this phone call?”

“Are you alone?”

“Skylar is in her office in the back of the store.”

“Are there any customers in the store?”

“Not right now.”

“Perfect. Grab a pair of headphones, I wanna try something.” Shea looked at the screen in confusion, but complied anyway.

“What are you wearing?”

“Well you can see my burgundy turtleneck, but I’m also wearing a leather pleated mini skirt, some fishnets and my black platform Doc Martens.”

“Mmm, that’s quite the visual, Ms. Powell. Think you can be a good girl for Daddy and play around for a bit?” The sexy voice was back and had O’Shea creating a puddle in her seat.

“That face is telling me yes, but I prefer verbal consent.”

“Yes Daddy.”

“Good girl, spread them legs for me.” As if she were in a trance, O’Shea spread her thighs and trailed her hand down to her pearl.”

“She wet?”

“Aquafina.” He smiled, revealing a new set of top and bottom grills, with the canines stretched like vampire fangs, with a dangerous glimmer in his eye.

“Should I be afraid?”

“Only if you wanna be, babygirl. But has Daddy ever given you a reason to be afraid?”

“Well it was that one time—”

“Girl shut yo ass up and pull that thong to the side.” She couldn’t help but laugh at his tone and his impatience.

“So how far does a nigga need to go with you to bring Bennie out the cage?”

“Why on Earth would you wanna meet her?”

“Well she’s clearly the one that runs the show. I just wanna see if she bout what she be talking bout,” his Oakland twang making an appearance ever so slightly.

“Be careful what you wish for, Stevens. Bennie doesn’t go back in the cage so easily when she’s summoned.”

“You let Daddy deal with that, Ms. Powell. Now like I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, take two fingers.. stick them into that pretty mouth..get them wet.. and rub that clit nice and slow.”

“And if I say no?”

“Then that’ll be you all pent up and pissed off until tonight.”

“Touché,” she agrees. With that, her middle and ring fingers found her slickness, rubbing slow circles over her throbbing clit. She stared at the camera, biting her lip as his deep voice rumbled in her ear. Slow then fast then slow again she worked herself closer and closer to her release.

“You almost there, Princess?”

“Yes Daddy,” she whimpered, eying the front door as well as the door to the back office to ensure that no one caught her in her lewd act. This was the furthest she'd gotten with just her fingers in months. It had to be the combination of the movements and his voice.

“Good girl, now stop.”

“What?!” she screeched, as she was seconds from an orgasm.

“I just wanted you to get that pussy ready for Daddy. I’ll see you later on tonight.” With that, he ended to call, leaving her horny and pissed off in her seat. Her forgotten playlist was now a tease of what could've been.

“Skylar Moreau Greene!” she growled as she marched to the tiny woman’s office.

“I didn’t do it,” Sky answered, puzzled as to why O’Shea was disclosing her government name to the world.

“That blockhead friend of yours is about to come up missing!”

“What happened this time? You were just playing with ya pussy on FaceTime for him.”

“How did you—“

“Surveillance cameras, my precious.” Shit.

“Ok whatever. Anyway that nigga keeps getting me worked up and then leaving me hanging! I’m sick of it.”

“I thought you liked being edged?”

“I do when my release is the endgame. I haven’t cum in days! And no, I don’t want you to eat my pussy again even though that shit was IMMACULATE!” Skylar giggled at the admission. She’d been talking about it since the day it happened.

“O’Shea, sweetheart, I’m about to tell you something real. Erik isn’t like any other guy you’ll ever meet. His willpower and patience are unmatched, especially when he has a point to prove. The only way you’re gonna get what you want from him is by following his rules.”

“But this shit is dumb,” O’Shea pouted.

“Is it really dumb or are you just a spoiled little bitch?”

“Hey, hey! Lower your voice, ma’am. I’m in a vulnerable state and those are very triggering words.”

“I know princess,” Skylar teased, causing O’Shea to pout and stomp her way out of the office.

“I’m going to get my hair done!”

“Have fun!”

O’Shea left the salon two hours later with a large butterfly braid cascading down the left side of her face. Per Shea’s request, the stylist adorned the braid with gold charms and cording while the in-house makeup artist beat her face to the gods. They decided to go with soft glam on the face and lips, while adding gold glitter and false lashes for a bold pop. Once home, she freshened up and stepped into her dress. O’Shea stared in awe of herself in the custom ball gown Skylar had designed for Erik’s conference.

“My best friend is a flashy nigga, so his date has to match his fly.”

It was an Egyptian style white gown with gold accents and a cascading draped train. She completed the look with golden open toe high shaft stiletto gladiator sandals.

“If this doesn’t get me any dick, I’m fighting somebody,” O’Shea said as she admired herself.

Erik arrived promptly at 7:00. He stood clad in a black velvet suit with filigree detailing, black and gold Louboutin loafers, and his signature gold-rimmed glasses. His dreads were neatly braided to the back of his head and in his hands was a box of black and gold designer roses adorned with sparkling stones like the ones O’Shea had seen on Instagram. The man looked good enough to eat and though the sight before her had her essence pooling in her panties, Erik was still met with O’Shea’s attitude.

“I see someone’s still salty from earlier,” he taunted, noticing her cold demeanor.

“Whatever. Let’s just get this shit over with,” Shea fussed.

The ride to the banquet was quiet, too quiet for Erik’s liking, but he wasn’t giving in to O’Shea’s bratty antics. She needed to learn that she wasn’t the one in control of this situation and that she'd get the attention she craved whenever he chose to give it, but until then, he was content in torturing her every chance he got. He ran the tips of his fingers up the split in her dress, smirking to himself as her body inadvertently reacted to him. He watched the goosebumps spread across her skin as his fingers traveled further up her thigh and almost full out cackled at her pouting because he put both hands back on the wheel. He was sure he’d break her tonight.

O’Shea was awestruck once they finally entered the grand ballroom. The walls of the ballroom were ivory white with gold trimmings with four giant chandeliers lining the middle. Each table was decorated with black table cloths and accented with red napkins and red roses.

“Dr. Udaku, nice to see you again,” a colonizer spoke shaking Erik’s hand.

“Nice to see you as well, David. How’s Margaret?” Erik asked, not really caring about the state of the man’s wife but more so to move the conversation along. While the pair conversed about meaningless bullshit, O’Shea slipped away to grab a drink from one of the cocktail waitresses and admire the scenery. Erik caught up with her just as she'd downed her third glass, wrapping a protective arm around her waist.

“Tsk. You shouldn’t wander off like that, Princess. You'll get Daddy all worried.”

“Then Daddy should pay better attention to me,” she retorted. “And I thought your last name was Stevens. Who the hell is Udaku?”

“Mind your business,” was all he said before pulling her chair out at their assigned table. She pouted and fidgeted the entire time, making her displeasure for being there no secret to anyone paying attention. After about the fifth obnoxious yawn, Erik leaned over to whisper in her ear.

“Don’t forget you're a guest. Don't think that I won’t handle your tiny ass because we’re in public,” he threatened.

“Not worried.”

“Didn’t say you had to be.”

“Ugh, niggas make you cum once and wanna talk slick,” she spat.

“Once? That lil stunt in my office had you cumming way more than just once.”

“Nigga I’m talking tangible cum, physical orgasms.. and Shy has you beat in that department. Compared to her, your head game is mediocre.”

“Mediocre?!” he whisper yelled, causing a few heads to turn their way.

“I said what I said,” O’Shea answered, taking another sip from her champagne. He didn't respond and they sat in silence listening to the speaker.

After enough time had passed post spat, the pair began engaging in comfortable conversation with the other couples at the table. For a second, O’Shea had forgotten all about the dormant beast that sat to her left until his right hand found her bare left thigh again, squeezing the flesh roughly. O’Shea bit the insides of her cheeks to keep from moaning aloud, an action that didn’t go unnoticed by Dr. Nigga as he continued his sweet torture. He kept kneading and squeezing her thigh, causing her to clench her thighs together. She was unable to contain the squeal that left her lips as Erik smacked her outer thigh, causing her to spread her legs.

“Are you alright, O’Shea?” David asked, genuinely concerned by her sudden outburst.

“Y-Yes, I’m fine,” she stuttered out. Erik’s face remained neutral as his hand continued its quest upward into her panties where he found her throbbing clit. His thick fingers massaged slow circles, causing her wetness to pool once again. O’Shea tried desperately to close her legs, but it was useless. With his free hand, Erik took a sip of his water before leaning casually over to whisper in her ear.

“Try to close them again and I’ll bend you over this table,” he threatened with another smack to her outer thigh. O’Shea whimpered softly as she looked up at him and then down to her lap where she could see his fingers working their magic on her sensitive nub, her dress pooled in her lap. After the speaker made a small joke, the room laughed politely and Erik smiled at O'Shea sweetly before leaning back down to her.

“Is Princess gonna listen to Daddy?”

She closed her eyes and nodded, too far gone in the pleasure. Eyes still trained forward as the guest of honor spoke, Erik moved her panties to the side and slid two of his fingers into her, making ‘come hither’ motions against her g-spot.

“Oh fuck,” O’Shea moaned as silently as she could manage before putting a fist to her lips, biting down on her knuckles. David's attention was drawn again and he looked from O'Shea who seemed to be in great discomfort to Erik.

“Erik,” he whispered aggressively. Erik's face was of someone completely uninterested in what was going on and David pointed subtly at O'Shea, “Help her,” he implored shamed by Erik's lack of attention to her condition as he was hailed to be a capable and sought after doctor.

“Do you want my help,” he innocently blinked at O'Shea who was breathing heavily with her hand at her mouth so not to cause anymore attention.

“O'Shea?” He watched her face in faux concern as if he wasn't the source of her unraveling. “I think you might need some more attention,” he smirked as David finally turned away satisfied with Erik's involvement.

Erik’s deep chuckle was back at her ear as he pushed his digits as far into her as they would go, causing her essence to gush down his knuckles. O’Shea couldn’t take it. The forbiddenness of what they were doing had her wetter than she had been in a while and her orgasm was building fast. She leaned her head on his shoulder, whimpering so that only he could hear.

“Erik please..”

“So sweet now,” he murmured teasingly. “Please what, Princess?” She had begun rocking her hips to match his rhythm and aid in her completion.

“Fuck, I’m gonna cum,” she whimpered as his fingers increased in speed, repeatedly stroking her gspot.

“Cum for Daddy, babygirl,” he purred, using his thumb to simultaneously massage her clit. She dug her nails deep into the rich material covering his thigh, biting her lip hard to mask her moan as her orgasm overtook her. David looked over to the pair, noting the sated look on Shea’s face.

“Are you sure you’re alright, O’Shea? You look flustered.”

“N-No sir. I’m totally fine.”

“She just needs some water,” Erik interjected. “Drink some water,” he directed O'Shea and she picked up her glass taking a sip and nodding. “She tends to get flustered in crowds. We're trying out a harmless little therapy tonight,” Erik lied as he pulled his hand from between her thighs, discreetly slipping his fingers into his mouth as David and another woman at the table listened with interest of the therapeutic method. The sight alone had O’Shea clenching.

“Isn’t that right?” he asked as he licked the last of her essence from his middle finger.

“Right,” she answered, taking a sip from the glass of water he slid in front of her since she'd finished her own.

“Ahem, if you all will excuse me, I’ll be right back,” Erik announced smoothly standing from the table and leaving the banquet room towards the hall of restrooms. O’Shea took a few more sips from the water glass as she tried to regulate her breathing. Meanwhile, David engaged her more in conversation mentioning relaxation techniques which worked to calm her nerves further. That was until her cell phone dinged in her clutch. She pulled it out to see one unread text message from Erik.

Bring yo ass here..

She bit her lip lustfully, as she slipped her phone back into her bag.

“Please excuse me, David. I need to get some fresh air.” With a confident stride, O’Shea, or should I say Bennie, made the short journey to the bathrooms where Dr. Nigga was waiting, leaning casually against the sink. His eyes traveled up and down her body hungrily as she stood before him.

“You gon’ take that shit off willingly or is a nigga gon’ have to rip it?”

“Nigga you will do no such thing,” she spat, planting her feet on the floor in front of him.

“Bet.” The harsh sound of ripped fabric filled the bathroom as Erik grabbed the split in her dress and tugged until the dress lay in two pieces on the floor.

“Bitch that was a $3,000 dress!” she fumed, his hand clamping tightly around her throat in response.

“What you just call me?”

“Bit—”

“Choose your words wisely, Princess,” he threatened as his fingers gripping the mound between her thighs once more, finding her throbbing core.

“That was an expensive dress Daddy,” she whimpered as she slowly starting grinding against his hand.

“You acting like Daddy can’t buy you another one, Lil’ Mama. I gave you simple instructions and you didn’t follow them so I handled it my way. Now look at you, grinding and clenching around my fingers like you deserve for me to let your bratty ass cum again.” He removed his hand from her center, sucking her juices off of his fingers. She looked up at him with pleading eyes, biting her lip as he stared down at her.

“What’s the matter, Lil’ Mama? You mad? You tired of me edging you even though you asked for this shit? Talk to Daddy.”

“I just wanna cum, Daddy. I’m sorry. I promise I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever it takes.”

“Oh you begging now? That’s cute. This must be the little girl in you. What was her name, Buttercup?” Her face heated. She knew he knew about all of her submissive personalities, but she didn’t expect him to bring out her Little Girl so quickly.

“Yeah, that’s my lil’ baby right there. You know, Bennie really hurt Daddy’s feelings earlier. She told me my head game was mediocre. You don’t think that, do you baby?” he asked as he stroked her cheek.

“I think I need to experience it again, Daddy. I don’t really remember.” He smirked before lifting her in his arms and placing her legs on her shoulders. He stepped closer to the wall so she’d be able to lean her body back and began feasting from her. His thick tongue snaked its way into her entrance, thrusting back and for the way his dick wanted to.

“Eyes on Daddy, Lil’ Mama,” he purred as he flicked his tongue against her clit before sucking it gently. He spelled both of their names against her clit, effectively drawing 3 more orgasms from her before settling her back on her feet.

“Daddy’s baby feel better?” She smiled goofily, nodding her agreement. “Rate Daddy's tongue on a scale of mediocre to exceptional.”

“Phenomenal,” she grinned. He collected the ruined dress from the floor and deposited it in the trash before draping his coat around her shoulders. She was thankful that he was so big, his large coat masking the fact that she was completely naked underneath. Erik went back to the table to say his goodbyes, blaming their sudden departure on O’Shea having sensory overload, being tired, and suffering a wardrobe malfunction.

“Oh, it was great to see you again, Erik. Good to meet you as well O'Shea. Take care of her,” David said innocently, waving his goodbye.

“I will,” Erik nodded curtly turning to lead O'Shea to the exit with his lips to her ear whispering all the while.

—————

TAG LIST:

@vikkidc @thadelightfulone @sydneebleu @trevantesbrat @monogamous-nympho @madamslayyy @chaneajoyyy @jozigrrl @forbeautyandlife @amethyst1993 @iamrheaspeaks @mareethequeen @thehomierobbstark @whatmoredoyouwantamericaa @blowmymbackout @wakanda-inspired @yaachtynoboat711 @nickidub718 @heyauntieeee @princessstevens @killmongersgurl @bartierbakarimobisson @xaviera108 @alexundefined @raysunshine78 @dameshaemonique @laketaj24 @youreadthatright @theogbadbitch @bugngiz @amirra88 @post-woke @im5ftbutmythroat66 @blackpinup22 @beaut1fulone-blog @chefjessypooh @queengidiva619 @love-me22 @pending-lostheart

#vanity writes #erik stevens #my shit #killmonger smut #daddy erik #killmonger fic #erik killmonger #bde #erik killmonger x black oc

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sanguisviscera · 5 years ago

Text

Stairway to Heaven

STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN

Beside or near the underside of a bridge in a major metropolitan area. There should be large bricks with crumbling mortar, graffiti, trash. Somewhere in the chaos of all this there should be a conspicuously written “MATHEW 5:5-9”, preferably near JOSIAH’s house.

JOSIAH is rich by street standards. His home is comprised of assorted, mismatching pillows, a few shopping carts, a tarp that has a few holes, plastic bags, bottles, and jugs, a mattress that has turned the color of soot, and several empty Campbell’s soup cans.

JOSIAH also owns a bible.

TOPHER enters singing LED ZEPPLIN’s “Stairway to Heaven” disheveled, dirty and drunk. TOPHER should present as a man. There should be absolutely no indication made until explicitly stated in the script that TOPHER is anything other than a man.

TOPHER “THERE’S A LADY WHO’S SURE ALL THE GLITTERS IS GOLD AND SHE’S BUYING A STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN WHEN SHE GETS THERE SHE KNOWS IF THE STORES ARE ALL CLOSED WITH A WORD SHE CAN GET WHAT SHE CAME FOR”

JOSIAH (entering from the portal of his house) Could you keep it down friend?

TOPHER What’s it to you?

JOSIAH Just trying to read.

TOPHER What you got there?

JOSIAH Bible.

TOPHER A bible!

JOSIAH That’s right.

TOPHER Why the fuck you reading a bible?

JOSIAH It soothes me.

TOPHER Got anything to drink?

JOSIAH Water.

TOPHER Whisky, vodka, fucking gin motherfucker.

JOSIAH Move along friend.

TOPHER I ain’t your friend.

JOSIAH I know it. I don’t truck with drunks.

TOPHER (amused) He don’t truck with drunks?

JOSIAH Move along.

TOPHER Got a nice little set up here pops.

JOSIAH I said move along.

TOPHER (indicating the MATTHEW 5:5-9) That your work?

JOSIAH “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.”

TOPHER You sure about that?

JOSIAH What do you want?

TOPHER Can I have your mattress?

JOSIAH I said what do you want.

TOPHER So defensive, old timer.

JOSIAH I don’t recognize you.

TOPHER Why would you?

JOSIAH I know all the street folk. And all the street folk know me. You’re not one of us.

TOPHER “One of us” he says. Like it’s a fucking club.

JOSIAH It is.

TOPHER Who says I wanna be a part of your fucking club?

JOSIAH I’m saying I don’t know you.

TOPHER Got anything to drink?

JOSIAH No.

TOPHER I need something to drink.

JOSIAH You need the Lord is what you need.

TOPHER Jesus Christ.

JOSIAH “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they shall be satisfied.”

TOPHER I’m thirsty, all right!

JOSIAH I told you to move along.

TOPHER Tell me, how are some words on a page gonna do anything for you?

JOSIAH The Lord is my solace and my salvation.

TOPHER So you believe in that shit? Some alien in the sky gonna take you to paradise after you die?

JOSIAH “Blessed are the merciful for they shall receive mercy”.

TOPHER Mercy, huh? What’s that mean?

JOSIAH I told you to move along friend.

TOPHER And I said I ain’t your friend.

JOSIAH This is my house here. There ain’t nothing for you here.

TOPHER Suppose I take a liking to something I see?

JOSIAH Would you like a pillow?

TOPHER I’ve been eyeing that mattress of yours.

JOSIAH “Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God”

TOPHER You gonna see God, old timer? Got one of those pure hearts?

JOSIAH The mattress is mine. All of this is mine.

TOPHER Awfully possessive for a Christian, ain’t you?

JOSIAH What do you want, friend?

TOPHER For the last time, I ain’t your friend.

JOSIAH “Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called sons of God”.

TOPHER You a peacemaker now?

JOSIAH I don’t want no trouble.

TOPHER That was always my beef with that book of yours.

JOSIAH What?

TOPHER I ain’t meek or blessed or merciful or pure or a mother fucking peacemaker because that ain’t me. It just ain’t me because I had a daddy who liked to suck my titties and finger my little pussy every night while my mom slept and then, he got sent to prison. For 18 years. 18 years my daddy served for making me feel like I was about as far from them words you got tattooed up there on that bridge but then: He walked free. My daddy got out and got himself a bible and street corner and he stood on a little box and started talking about sin and forgiveness and telling all the little street urchins that they could be redeemed, made whole if they just believed in the word of the Lord. But you know what? Its all just lies. You can’t be made whole. Not by words in a fucking book. And certainly not by a rapist pedophile father. But you know what can make me whole? Vengeance. What’s that phrase? Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord?

JOSIAH Abigail?

TOPHER Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare call me that. You call me Topher because that’s who I am to you.

JOSIAH Abigail?! Oh my God, I don’t know what to say— I was a different person, I—

TOPHER So was I.

JOSIAH How did you find me?

TOPHER Say I’m sorry.

TOPHER/ABIGAIL begins removing a long-is cloth bag with a bundle of coins at oneend, a violent instrument of bludgeoning.

JOSIAH What?

TOPHER I want you to say I’m sorry.

JOSIAH I’m—I’m sorry!

TOPHER Sorry ain’t enough for me mother fucker.

TOPHER/ABIGAIL bludgeons JOSIAH to death upstage inside of JOSIAH’s house. It should be brutal sounding and incredibly vocal from both actors until JOSIAH falls silent and all we hear are the sound of TOPHER’s breathing and grunts and the sick sloppy sounds of the bag of coins hitting something wet and soft.

A moment. TOPHER looks around.

TOPHER begins to sing again as she exits.

END OF PLAY

#31plays31days #sanguisviscera #plays #theater

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fredheads · 6 years ago

Text

@halcooper i had the afternoon off so i put together a second draft of parentdale: the musical (music and lyrics by jim steinman)

STARRING: Alice Cooper as herself | Hal Cooper as himself Mary Andrews as herself | Fred Andrews as himself Hermione Lodge as herself | Hiram Lodge as himself Penelope Blossom as herself | FP Jones as himself Clifford Blossom as himself | Tom Keller as himself & Company (incl. Agent Adams, Andre, Penny Peabody & Serpents, Sierra McCoy)

COSTUME: unless otherwise specified, leather skirts and mesh tops for the gals, leather pants and mesh tops for the guys.

ACT ONE

wasted youth (monologue) - fred

FRED: "Stop! Wait a minute! Stop it boy! What do you think you're doing? That's no way to treat an expensive musical instrument!" And I said "God dammit Daddy! You know I love you, but you've got a hell of a lot to learn about rock and roll!"

all revved up with no place to go - hal, hiram, fred, fp

scene: Hal & the other dads get ready for a night out (hal wears a good christian sweater and slacks)

HAL: I’m just a blue-eyed, blonde-haired, black-hearted boy killing time until the end of the world

dead ringer for love - ensemble

scene: the moms & dads arrive separately at the whyte wyrm. hal and alice meet and flirt up a storm. they sing the lead parts with everyone else as backup.

ALICE: I don't have to know your name and I won't tell you what to do but a girl, she doesn't live by only rock 'n roll and brew

who needs the young - penelope & clifford duet

scene: at thornhill in front of the fire, penelope and clifford lament their lost youth and complain about the youth of today. penelope, still young herself, is more than a little bittersweet.

CLIFFORD: Who needs the young? The celebration of the races that they've have won The sado-masochistic things they've never done

PENELOPE: Disgusting.

good girls go to heaven - alice, hal & ensemble (all the women sing background for alice’s part while hal sings the “good boys go to heaven” verses with fp and hiram)

scene: in their respective homes on each side of the tracks, alice reconciles her serpent identity with her love for northsider Hal while Hal tries to work up the nerve to be a bad boy for once. FP lends him a leather jacket so he can fit the part.

FP: you’ve been nothing but an angel every day of your life and now you wonder what it’s like to be damned

it just won’t quit - fp (other serpents sing background)

scene: alone on the southside, fp confesses his agonizing love for fred. fred, onstage, is oblivious.

FP: Is this a blessing? Or is it a curse? Does it get any better? Can it get any worse? Will it go on forever? Is it over tonight? Does it come with the darkness? Does it bring out the light? Is it richer than diamonds? Or just a little cheaper than spit?

out of the frying pan and into the fire - fred & ensemble

scene: fred and mary, from senior prom to their wedding night to their house with the white picket fence. Mary ends up in a wedding dress holding a swaddled baby. Hermione and FP are maid of honour and best man, respectively. Everyone sings background.

FRED: Open the door and lay down on the bed, The sun is just a ball of desire And I want to take you out of the frying pan And into the fire

which leads into... two out of three ain’t bad - fred & mary duet

scene: mary leaves fred

FRED: Well there's only one girl I'll ever love And that was so many years ago And though I know I'll never get her out of my heart She never loved me back, ooh I know

I remember how she left me on a stormy night She kissed me and got out of our bed And though I pleaded and I begged her not to walk out that door She packed her bags and turned right away

- ACT TWO -

in the land of the pig, the butcher is king - hiram ft. agent adams, andre

scene: hiram gleefully plots his evil deeds. at the same time, unbeknownst to him, hermione begins to question if this life is right for her.

HIRAM: With that we can take and pocket No one needs to know We're is the plug and they're the socket Give us the juice and we'll go

objects in the rearview mirror - fred, fp, tom (fred sings the first verse, fp the second, tom the third)

scene: fred, fp and tom reminisce on their wasted youths

FP: And my father’s eyes were blank as he hit me again and again and again

i’m gonna love her for both of us (first verse) - fred

scene: hermione flees hiram’s nefariousness and goes back to fred, her high school flame.

FRED: I can't stand to see it no more The way you're living with a goddess, but you treat her like a slave And you can't hold her back anymore She's like a dreamer in a dungeon, or an angel in a cave

making love out of nothing at all - penelope (hal sings background at the end... but he’s singing about alice)

scene: penelope sings about her unrequited love for hal

PENELOPE: Everytime I see you all the rays of the sun are Streaming through the waves in your hair And every star in the sky is taking aim at Your eyes like a spotlight The beating of my heart is a drum, and it's lost And it's looking for a rhythm like you

paradise by the dashboard light - fred and hermione (it goes without saying but hermione sings “let me sleep on it” and fred sings “do you love me? will you love me forever?”)

scene: in their old car at the twilight drive-in, fred and hermione play themselves at (barely) seventeen about to get it on. fred wears his old letterman jacket at first.

BOTH: So now I'm praying for the end of time To hurry up and arrive! Cause if I gotta spend another minute with you I don't think that I can really survive!

what part of my body hurts the most - hermione & hiram

scene: separated, hermione and hiram realize how much they miss each other. hermione’s realized she can never make it with fred and she likes being bad, while all the murder and mayhem in the world can’t fill hiram’s heart.

HERMIONE: You'll always be here with me, you're a ghost and I've been cursed But if you were exorcised, it would only make it worse A demon or angel — it doesn't matter all that much I toss and I turn every night and I try to feel your touch

- ACT THREE -

for crying out loud - everyone

scene: hermione and hiram, hal and alice, and (finally!) fred and fp sing about how much they love each other.

FRED: Oh I know you belong inside my aching heart And can't you see my faded Levis bursting apart FP: And don't you hear me crying Oh babe, don't go FRED: And don't you hear me screaming How was I to know?

you took the words right out of my mouth - fred & fp with ensemble

scene: fred and fp confess their burning love and make out in their leather pants.

FRED: It was a hot summer night and the beach was burning There was fog crawling over the sand FP: And when I listened to your heart I hear the whole world turning I see the shooting stars falling through your trembling hands

i’m gonna love her for both of us (reprise) - alice

scene: alice rescues penelope from clifford and brings her back to be with her and hal!

ALICE: When the screws are tightnin' and the tears are falling I can hear her crying out to be saved And like a bolt of lightning I go answer the call But she's singing like a siren to me over the waves

it’s all coming back to me now - hermione & hiram duet

scene: hiram and hermione pledge their undying love to each other (and the mob). in the background, fred and mary forgive and forget, although they’ve both moved on and are happy apart.

HIRAM: There were moments of gold and there were flashes of light HERMIONE: There were things I'd never do again But then they'd always seemed right BOTH: There were nights of endless pleasure It was more than any laws allow

i’d do anything for love (but i won’t do that) - ensemble

scene: the finale: a big song and dance number where everyone loves each other again. penelope, alice and hal are a throuple. fp and fred are on his motorbike.

HERMIONE: Will you raise me up? will you help me down? Will you get me right out of this godforsaken town? Will you make it all a little less cold?

HIRAM: I can do that

FP: Can you hold me sacred, can you hold me tight? Will you colourize my life, I’m so sick of black and white? Will you make it all a little less old? FRED: I can do that

PENELOPE: Can you make me some magic with your own two hands? Can you build an emerald city with these grains of sand? Can you give me something I can take home

HAL: I can do that

ALICE: Will you cater to every fantasy I got? Will you hose me down with holy water, if I get too hot? Will you take me places I've never known?

HAL: I can do that Oh no, no, I can do that

FP, HIRAM, ALICE: I know the territory, I've been around It'll all turn to dust and we'll all fall down Sooner or later you'll be screwing around

FRED, HERMIONE, HAL: (after a long pause) I won't do that.

#parentdale #halcooper

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automatismoateo · 3 years ago

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Religion itself is literally the definition of insanity,and religious people should be treated as such (Warning:very long text) via /r/atheism

Submitted September 27, 2021 at 06:01PM by Vladimir_Slavic_Boi (Via reddit https://ift.tt/3EUtR5J) Religion itself is literally the definition of insanity,and religious people should be treated as such (Warning:very long text)

(Sorry for the typos,English is not my native language)

Since this is my first post here,let me present myself.I'm a 18M,ex-Orthodox Christian from Montenegro,one of the most religious countries in Europe,with up to 94,6% religious people (72% Orthodox Christians,19.1% Muslims and 3,4% Catholics) with the rest being either Jews,agnostics or atheists.Well,maybe not one of the most religious,but people here are batshit crazy about religion,and would aggressively attack anyone who attempts to question their beliefs.As you can already guess,atheists aren't welcome here.I kind of try understand this,since religion played a big role in the survival of the Montenegrin people and the state during the Ottoman era,but things got out of control.It got up to the point where religion now plays a big role in our politics,our government members spend more time in churches than in their offices,and the Orthodox people in the country are divided between the supporters of MOC (Montenegrin Orthodox Church) and supporters of SOC (Serbian Orthodox Church),with both churches,mainly the latter one always making big ceremonies with lots of people gathering,which is obviously not a very good idea since we're dealing with this COVID thing,not to mention small number of people are wearing masks or keeping the distance.Also not to mention the SOC last year had a few of its church leaders killed by COVID.But I guess God works in mysterious ways and he just wanted them to be safe in his hands,right? Now that I represented myself and my country to y'all,let's begin with the story.

So,today I was chatting with my friend.We were sitting and talking about certain subjects,like immigrants,ISIS and shit they did in Europe.Nothing related to religion,but that didn't stop him from turning religion as the main subject here.He was talking about how the terrorist are brainwashed by thinking they will end up in Heaven if they kill someone who is not a member of their religion.Then I said how they are also brainwashed by believing they will end up in heaven after death,because nowhere in the Bible or Quran it says some ghosty thing will leave our bodies after they expire.Rather,it says we sleep in our graves until we get revived in the Resurrection Day.Of course,he accused me of lying,started talking about God,souls,and asked me what I think happens after death.As an atheist,I said "well,you die,get buried,rot,and that's it".He asked me to prove that,and said I will go to hell if I don't believe in God,along with everyone else who doesn't.I replied "I can't go to a place that doesn't exist" and asked him are there afterlives for insects,televisions and computers.He called me stupid,once again told me I will go to hell and said that everyone who believes in God and repents his sins to Jesus will go to heaven.I replied "Even Hitler?And these terrorists?".He said "yes".I replied "That just doesn't make any sense to me.Even if that was somehow true,I'm not gonna worship a sky daddy who is okay with someone killing millions of people as long as he believed in God".Then he asked me who created the universe,probably expecting I will say God did it.I replied back "I will reply to that once you reply to me who created the God,and who created the creator of God,and so on".After all that,he still told me I will go to hell,called me stupid and no-brainer.Then he just got up and left.

Unrelated to this story,but yesterday I was also thinking about how religious parents indoctrinate their children into believing in God,and telling them they will go to hell if they don't do it.Like,how are they OK with telling their children they will get eternally tortured in worst ways that can be imagined and they will deserve that if they don't believe in some magical sky daddy who is all-powerful,all-knowing,can cause floods and other natural disasters,but can't heal paralyzed people or people with amputated limbs?

Religion is a contagious mental illness,and I'm not feeling bad or remorseful for saying this now,and I'm not gonna feel bad or remorseful after saying this.Goodbye for now.

#reddit

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idkguessiwillbloghere · 4 years ago

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Blog Post #6

Feeling: Groggy Weather: Cloudy and bright Last thing I ate: Apple Last thing I drank: Water I haven’t talked with my friends as much, after starting this blog. Before this though, I’ve been rethinking about my relationships with them. I didn’t have friends until just a few years ago; I have hung out with people pretty much my whole life, but I realized in elementary school that I didn’t have “friends.” People were just being in the same room and calling it friendship. It felt gross and there was nothing enjoyable about it, so I slowly stopped trying. In middle school, there was one guy who took a liking to me, and just when I started allowing the thought, “Maybe we can be friends,” he died in a car accident. So that fucked me up for a long time. I finally gained a friend-like person in my life at the end of high school, though it was more trauma-bonding than anything. And that’s why I’ve been questioning my friendships I have now. Based on how unhealthy I’m realizing they are, I’m wondering if I’ve just repeated my mistakes; more trauma-bonding. I want them to be more than that. But maybe they’re not. What’s more, I have so little experience with actually healthy relationships that I have no idea how to form one with people who I think are healthy. I don’t know what to do. My head hurts, per usual. I’ve my doctor’s appointment today, but I’m just assuming that it’s too late for whatever it is. Still scared, but at least I have time to start processing whatever it is. I’m angry that my doctors have taken months to do anything vaguely helpful with it; I’m angry it’s taken them months just to isolate some time to so they can give this some attention. I don’t have any better options, as a trans person in the United States, an that makes me angry. I’m angry at the entire world for bickering and not only delaying progress, but regressing it. Things could be so much more relaxing and helpful in all our lives if we just made shit like natural disasters our enemies instead of making up shit to be upset about. Conflict does positively influence innovation, many times, but to THIS degree, it’s more counterproductive than helpful. I suppose for me, it begs the question of whether it’s a world worth fighting to stay alive for. I suppose if it comes down to it, and whatever I have is something terminal, knowing I’m leaving behind a ton of pointless strife that will never be resolved in my lifetime is ultimately reassuring. I’ll be putting on an old shitty short movie here, in a minute. I don’t know why, but when I was little, I used to watch this MyScene movie ALL the fuckin’ time when I was on a car trip with my parents; you know, before Ipods and all that shit, and I just had this shitty portable DVD player that would skip every time there was a bump in the road, heh. I had horrible OCD as a kid, so I just watched that movie every time. I literally never remembered what the movie was about, and I still don’t. I watched it so many times, and I know I’m gonna hate it now (I honestly doubt I even liked it before), but I’m just so curious about what it was. Afterward I’m gonna do a pallet-cleanser though, and watch When a Stranger Calls (the remake). Or Idk, maybe just some horror movie, just something to contrast the sophomoric, soulless BS I’m about to subject myself to. I’m feeling a little sick. It’s vaguely feeling like it’s slowly getting worse, and I really fuckin’ hope it’s not COVID. I hope it’s because I’ve been so stressed and poorly hydrated. I don’t mind a cold, I just mind if I get COVID on top of whatever is happening to my brain. I think I had COVID last year, before any cases were officially reported in my area, but I always forget to get an anti-body test, and now I got the vaccine so I can’t figure that shit out anymore (as far as I know). I’m also hungry; Idk what I want to eat though. Maybe I’ll make a steak. I was gonna do that yesterday and just didn’t feel like it in the end. I’ll feed my fish and snails too. The plot I’m working on in the Sims 4 is coming along super well. I’m one tragedy away from the vampire slaughtering pretty much everyone in the town. The more I think of it, the more I imagine it being like in the Prince of Egypt (I know it’s a biblical story, but fuck the bible, the movie’s better), where the sky daddy in his mist form visited each non-Jewish/Christian/whatever house and specifically killed all the kids; a story that truly fosters religious tolerance and exemplifies the "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" sentiment (yes I’m being sardonic). Though that could be an interesting prequel; you learn the god’s backstory and it turns out all his kids were killed, so now he’s just shitting all over humanity for all of eternity. Idk honestly the dumbest fandom to date, so many self-contradictions in that book. Anyway, my vampire Sim is gonna do that shit, lol. Only it’s cooler ‘cause she’s gonna end up with her wife and life happily ever after. Maybe, Idk, I haven’t thought beyond that point. I started journaling again. My therapist wanted me to so we can prepare to delve into my traumas in a few weeks. I’ll start doing my mantra in the morning and evening again as well. The end of my mantra keeps reminding me that I want to get a tattoo. The friend of mine who was in the hospital said we should get tattoos together (not matching ones, just whatever we want), and I friggen love that idea. She’s a sadist, I’m a masochist and exhibitionist, it’d be a great time, so long as our tattoo artists don’t get uncomfortable, heh. I jest, but we don’t do shit that’s non-consensual, so no worries there. Ugh, maybe I should make coffee, Idk. Kinda feel like trying to give my brain a pep, today, but maybe that’d end up being too many chemicals. Maybe I should try to flush them out of my system as much as possible. Idk. I want another beer, but I’m also trying to refrain, because I want another beer. I abstain from alcohol whenever I really badly want it. That’s been getting harder lately. Just another thing to bring up with my therapist, heh.

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blogging-bible-blog · 7 years ago

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BLOGGING BIBLE PART 1!

Warning: If you’re religious, or easily offended, I’d recommend that you leave now and forget that this ever happened. I REPEAT: this is the Bible from the view of an atheist, and no amount of hate-anons or spiritual messages will convert me to anything other than my self-proclaimed atheistic-Satanism.

Today on Blogging Bible – I beat up the 10 Commandments and call out their rules as bullshit!

Lucy here. Dude, I am fucking ready to read a bible. (Cue the into to song “Vampire Money” by the late, extremely satanic punk band, My Chemical Romance. Shudder, I’m definitely going to hell because of my music selection.)

Stuff to know before you start reading:

Yeah, I’m a girl. And a lowkey feminist. And yeah, I know I’m gonna get butthurt over the extremely disgusting treatment of women in this “book”.

Yeah, I know people are gonna get butthurt over me getting butthurt over this 2,000-page book made of tissue paper and incredibly bad binding. But I’ve got a brick that weighs five pounds with the word Bible on it and I’m not afraid to use it. (This thing could cause some pretty wicked blunt force trauma, y’all.)

I am an atheist. However, I have no problem adhering to the eleven rules of Satanism as stated at the official Church of Satan website. So, you could call me an Atheistic Satanist. Please don’t yell at me, I know that’s not the most popular label to identify under, but frankly, I don’t care.

I don’t have any problem outright bashing this book. Figuratively and literally. It’s a fucking book, I can throw it into the wall if I want to. (I wouldn’t do that with any other book, tbh. This one is a special case.) Also, I’ve already thought of some sick burns to use, so once again, if you easily get offended, please leave now.

Yeah. So. Got all that stuff covered. Now… time to get out the Bible.

First Impression:

God, this thing is heavy.

I picked this thing up at the free pile in the public library, and I can understand why nobody wanted it. There’s this awful plastic cover on the front that’s wrinkly enough to be my grandma’s face. NIrV, The Adventure BIBLE FOR YOUNG READERS.

Yeah, I’m reading the young-readers version because I would not, I repeat not, be able to make it through a normal one. Also, I am young and must be protected from the word “sex”. (JK. But seriously, this book seems to have a problem with the word sex. Couldn’t they just say, “Adam and Eve had some sweet, sweet baby-making bangin’”? It would make much more sense than “They made love. Then she went through an excruciatingly painful birth and had a child.” I think God had a thing against humor.)

Okay… first page. Looks like some sort of diary thing, because there’s lots of lines and bad little kid handwriting. Once again, I am painfully reminded of the fact that I’m reading the watered-down kid’s version.

This NIrV bible was given to…

Name: Caleb Grant Speight

On: 2-22-05

By: Daddy and Mama

Okay, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel bad for this kid, because this whole page has a “Son, this is your entire birthday present” vibe. Also – 2005? God, do you remember what computers looked like back then? Jeez. (I now realize that I just said the Lord’s name in vain twice in one go, so yeah, I’m definitely going to hell.)

Next page. I still feel bad for this kid, who’s probably 20 by now. I wonder if he still lives here. I wonder if he’s still alive. I wonder if he’s still brainwashed by… okay, here we are, the 10 Commandments for Kids! Joy, joy! These are sure to be good.

1. You may not love anyone or anything more than you love God.

Okay but… what if you’re dyslexic? “I agree, I don’t love anything more than I love… my dog…” To be clear here, I definitely love my dog more than I love God, because she’s beautiful, loving, and always there for me. The dog, I mean. God could be some ugly troll in the sky for all I care, he hasn’t done batshit for me. This rule is bullshit.

2. You may not worship, or put more importance on any person or thing, other than God. You must worship only the Lord, not your parents, not a friend, not a movie star or sports hero, not a car or a boat or skateboard. Nothing.

Oh, jeez. I have to worship my parents more than I worship God, ‘kay? My parents work hard every single day to put dinner on the table and put a roof over my head. God has nothing to do with that, it’s all them. My parents are wonderful people who’ve been raising me since the day I was born. Yeah, they make me do this dishes, (gross gross gross!) but God hasn’t even given me two dollars in my life. This rule is bullshit.

3. You may not swear. Use God’s holy name only in a loving way, never to express anger or frustration.

Why the ever loving fuck can’t I swear? Why can’t I fucking use God’s name in an angry way? God, I’m using it now. This is a rule that not even the most Christian-y of Christians follow because I’ve seen them say it in a not-nice way, okay? If you want me to use a different word, then tell me which word you want me to fucking use, God. This rule is bullshit.

4. One day of your week should be set aside for rest and the worship of God. Work six days of the week only. You need a special day set aside to relax and meet with other Christians.

Relax, my ass. Have you ever been to church? I went once for a funeral and it was fucking stressful. The pews are like fucking cold ice slabs under your ass and the hymns?? God, it’s stressful to try and sing hymns when you don’t know the fucking lyrics or what the hell they’re about. It’s not relaxing at all. This rule is bullshit.

5. Be respectful to your parents. Love them, and the Lord will reward you with a long life.

Huh. The first part of this rule makes sense. However, I think the Bible’s absolutely retarded for talking like this. Tell this to my fucking friend who has a child molester as a father. What if one of your parents is a serial killer? Rapist? What if your parents abuse you!? Are you just supposed to unconditionally love everyone who fucking wrongs you? This is BULLSHIT, you don’t get a long life for loving people that hurt you, you get Stockholm Syndrome. This rule is bullshit.

6. You may not hate other people, don’t ever think of hurting someone else in any way.

Okay, I’m just gonna say this: Genesis 4:17 – CAIN FUCKING MURDERS HIS BROTHER FOR ABOLUTELY NO FUCKING REASON, AND HE BECOMES PRACTICALLY IMMORTAL WITH A REVENGE SPELL ON HIM, AND HE HAS SEX WITH HIS WIFE AND GETS CHILDREN AND BUILDS A FUCKING CITY. This is saying that it’s OKAY to hurt people, or at least that’s what I’m getting from it. Also, don’t even let me get started on self-defense. This rule is bullshit.

7. Keep your thoughts and actions pure. Sex is a gift of God to married couples.

Um, no. I could go and have sex with a random person I’m not married to and it would just be SEX, not a gift from God. God isn’t fucking gifting me with anything, he’s gifting me with monthly period cramps and hell 12 weeks of the year. My thoughts are not pure, that’s a byproduct of having teenage friends – friends that are perverted boys – at school. There’s no way to stop horny teenagers, ‘kay? The only thing that’s gonna come from sheltering your kids is rebellious sex and STDs. This rule is bullshit.

8. You may not take and keep anything that doesn’t belong to you.

This rule may be the only one that makes any fucking sense to me at all. However, I know for a fact that many notorious Christian people don’t follow this rule. THEY WANT GAY PEOPLE KILLED FOR THEIR SEXUALITY, OKAY? Gay people’s lives don’t belong to Christians, yet they’re still taking them through hate crimes. Same goes for the other people that they heartlessly murder and destroy. This rule is bullshit.

9. You may not tell lies, especially when that lie will hurt someone else.

This is ridiculous. In my humble Atheist opinion, Christians lie to themselves and others on that one special rest day every week. Honestly, most of the things in this book are gonna be big fat lies and exaggerations, and I’m gonna remember this Commandment as I read it. This rule is bullshit.

10. You may not be jealous of what others have. You may not be jealous of your friend’s new toy or clothes or the big house your neighbor lives in. Be satisfied with what you have.

Once again, my friends come to mind. They’re a pretty fucked-up set of individuals and they have every fucking right to be jealous of other stuff, because if God really exists, he dealt them a fucking shitty hand in the Card Game of Life. Also, tell this to the thousands of starving, neglected children around the globe. God could just wave his fucking hand and make our earth bigger and add more food, but no, he’s just gonna sit there and let everyone die. This rule is absolute and utter BULLSHIT!

That’s all for now! Tune in next time for more Blogging Bible, where I’ll start reading Genesis!

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kurokiiratsuchii · 7 years ago

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doing some justice lol

RE :: AIZEN vs MADARA

a major breakdown. get your snacks ready ppl

read if you are really bored lmao its fucking long

psa don't mix your personal biased based off of something that should solely be factual and unbiased but whatever to each their own, right?

lol okay before i begin this i just wanna say that i have zero knowledge on aizen’s abilities yet since all i know so far is that he disappeared up into the sky with the blind dude and gin but whatever. this is mostly concerning how the post made madara, kaguya and whatnot appear as though they were weak by giving FACTS and counter examples that ARE NOT BASED OFF OF MY own biased opinion to prove otherwise.

i am gonna go in order in which everything was presented in the original post otherwise everything will be all over the place lol. i am so tired

Okay well they started off with the fandom and presented this hilarious pic (honestly i am wheezing save me)

im not even gonna lie, this does seem like the case with the multiple switch of protagonist, but each one of them was opening for the opportunity to a higher power. in part one of naruto, it would have been safe to assume that orochimaru was going to be the whole series main villain. i mean, it was partially true since he was for the majority of the first part but i just want to say this

THE SERIES ‘NARUTO’ WAS ABOUT THE STRUGGLES THAT NARUTO HAD TO ENDURE TO ACHIEVE HIS DREAM.

lmao the series starts off with him shouting ‘I AM GONNA BECOME HOKAGE, BELIEVE IT!!’ bam. thats it. thats literally fucking it to the series. its just about naruto becoming strong and mature throughout the series to become hokage.

with that, through a person’s whole life, you don’t only face one struggle and that’s it. the series was about his life and yeah, physical people were his ‘struggles’ in a sense but that was to him to become stronger. so its only fair that through his life, he faces a series of people who challenges his strength and all this other shit.

like if i remember the series correctly the order of people that he had to face to become stronger was :: literally his whole entire village, mizuki, zabuza, the sound nin during the chunin exams, fucking gaara, orochimaru, sound four, kurama, the whole akatsuki so thats like seven to ten people arguably, then here’s where it becomes complicated nagato, obito, madara and then kaguya.

i took out zetsu because he posed no direct threat to naruto.

so if you are going criticize a series for not having a solid villain, then don’t bring in other alternatives to come up with a solution as to who and why that person is the main villain. idk did that make sense?

get my point with this? ultimately, the purpose of the series isn’t made to have a ‘main’ villain because all the ‘villains’ had a key role to play in naruto’s growth.

fight me.

also, i am going to just throw this out there right now before i continue- don’t crossover the series to fit your bias!!! lmao okay lets continue

the second point that was mentioned was a joke post that was mentioned for shits and giggles and then taken too far by this person.

so here is the source to the following pic

gotta admit, thats actually very fucking funny if you ask me. lmao but anyway BESIDES THE POINT !!!!!!!!!!

let me quote something properly for one “Naruto Chapter 679 - [...] This is the chapter where Madara swells, blows up, and literally disappears from the main story altogether. Yes, it is that chapter.”

let me just point out the fact that this person claimed to be in the naruto fandom but yet they fail to understand the true events of that chapter.

so essentially this is what happens. to a regular person, it does seem as though madara did in fact swell up and die but that wasn't the case.

let me give you a little context to this. THE madara uchiha had the ten tail, which was a combination of all the tailed beasts in one within himself. so he’s like naruto, he's a jinchuriki of ONE OF THE STRONGEST FORCES in their universe. the ten tails is everything tbh so its hella powerful.

ONE. SINGLE. MAN. was able to live and still be able to maintain his own psyche without the ten tails taking over. that alone should be evidence enough that madara is powerful but whatever lets continue.

anyway, he didn’t ‘swell up and disappear’ he expanded because his physical body could handle the extra chakra that was release in him, which happened to be kaguya. so the ten tails was kaguya all along but her powers was finally release, thus exerting a large amount of force/power so madara just morphed into kaguya. in a way???

look at the top left panel with sakura. if you can't read it she is saying “he shrunk down” hence his body compressing into kaguya’s figure, and in the following panel, you see kaguya, she finally makes her debut.

see? look at that, she’s so beautiful. ANYWAY. so yeah. madara didn’t just disappear, he body was just consumed by the power from within and that ‘true power’ took shape. like he was a dummy but it all worked out for kaguya’s debut.

they then proceed to mention that..... this event is what killed madara, which is true, but not exactly. its a little but more than just that simple. even the strongest person or shinobi can’t survive the extraction of a tailed beast. no one. any one of the nine tailed beast could kill someone with the strongest life force after no more than a short time after its extraction but madara managed to die shortly after the TEN TAILS was extracted from his body. (again the ten tails is one of the strongest forces in the naruto universe, so thats saying something but whatever) IRRELEVANT. I GUESS??

MOVING ON !!!

“Another comment even brings up Aizen mindfucking with ‘Shatter, Kyouka Suigetsu’; all the Naruto world is merely an illusion created by Aizen. The second comment dismisses the Naruto world as a joke created by Aizen on a whim. However, what is more interesting is the first comment, where Kaguya (the antagonist who killed the previous antagonist Madara within seconds) is placed on the same level as Hinamori Momo (a character who is often associated with getting stabbed by Aizen). Placing Kaguya (who killed Madara) on the same level as Hinamori SAYS SOMETHING.”

so i am going to merge two of their points into one major point to get my point across.

there’s that quote, then there this one: “In comparison with Kishimoto who never (or rarely if you are desperate) refers to Madara as God, KUBO EVIDENTLY DESIGNATES AIZEN AS GOD. There is an entire series of chapters named Deicide, which means Killing God, or much more like Soul Society’s attempts to kill God. Ichimaru Gin’s Bankai, which’s sole purpose is to kill Aizen, is appropriately named Kamishini no Yari, the God-Killing Spear. Yet again in Chapter 617, Kubo titles it RETURN OF THE GOD, complete with Aizen’s image above it. Aizen is never called ‘God of ‘*Something*’, as opposed to how Yoruchi is the God of Flash, Baraggan is the God of Hueco Mundo, or Juhabach is the God of Quincies/Christians. For Aizen, it is purely God. (and God of Trolls does not count FYI because it is not a named element in Bleach). In contrast, Kishimoto has not even given Madara the title of ‘God of Shinobi’. That title is reserved for Hashirama, Hiruzen, and Hagoromo.”

now i am going to rant a little more. those two arguments are a little reaching, wouldn’t you think?

so back with the ‘theory’ that the naruto is merely an illusion created by aizen. lets see, as far as i know, kyouka suigetsu had the ability of ‘near flawless illusions’ non? wanna know who is the daddy of a lot of the current uchiha abilities? madara fucking uchiha. the sharingan wasn’t mentioned, why? oh yes, thats right. because the sharingan is NOTORIOUS for genjutsu. (fancy word for saying the art of illusions lmao) so a counter argument to the one where the naruto universe was an illusion made by aizen on a ‘whim’ would be that the bleach universe was made by literally A N Y person who is able to preform any genjutsu. that’s right. not just madara is able to preform ‘illusions’ but so is his whole clan and anyone who can do genjutsus. so that means that... a hella weak person, who has a basic grasp of genjutsu could come up with the bleach universe FOR FUN!!!!!!! that shouldn’t have even been a valid argument but whatever.

going with the first quote, (trying to destroy the kaguya argument) you shouldn’t be relying on a made up theory to demean characters. i can assure you that kaguya is NOT on the same level as hinamori. that argument was a stretch.

in the naruto series, kaguya is LITERALLY a god. there’s no denying it. she’s a god. kaguya is a god. one of the highest powers in the whole naruto universe because that’s how high you can be in it because nothing can surpass a god. she is. a. god. well goddess because she's a female but you get my point. so being compared to a god is literally the shit. there’s no fooling around with it. like you're powerful af if you get compare to a fucking god.

anyway, moving into the second quote. i am pretty certain that madara was never referred as a god, but i do believe he was referred as possessing ‘god-like abilities’ (by all means, with anything that i have to state, or have previously stated, feel free to correct me if i am wrong) as for aizen. there is a difference to being MADE OUT as a god and BEING a god.

being made out to be a god is just being super fucking powerful and practically unbeatable.

while being a god is literally, by definition, a god.

i found it where madara was said to have god-like abilities:

right side, fourth panel down, it says “...the power... of a god...” there. course was chapter 560 of the naruto series. wanna know the following chapter’s name? it’s called “the power in a name” while chapter 560 was simply called “Madara Uchiha”

yes, with the fact that were stated, aizen was in fact made out to be a god. guess what? aizen is NOT a god, though. there are references that aizen was made out to be a god, same goes for madara. (directly and indirectly)

the naruto universe and the bleach universe are both very distinct and very different. with the point mention that its basically insignificant to be ruled as the “god of ‘something’” in the bleach universe, it is something to take seriously in the naruto universe. that’s the major difference that also shouldn't be viewed as a valid argument. some things were just viewed differently.

titles are just thrown around in the bleach universe like how oetsu is titled as “god of the sword” but does that make him a legitimate god? no. just ‘ruler’ over it. just like how in the naruto universe being titled at “the god of shinobi” doesn't make that person a legitimate god, but literally almost god like.

again -

KAGUYA IS A LEGITIMATE GOD!!

wanna know who’s a god in the bleach universe?

the soul king.

ANYWAY......

MOVING ON !!!

“Madara is basically written out “just like any other Uchiha, only more powerful” even before he gets any development as a person. He is EXPECTED to be powerful, aggressive, dangerous, vengeful, the founder of Sasuke’s and Itachi’s clan, etc. [...] Death (after a long line of supposed deaths) becomes the end of Madara’s story.”

F A L S E !!! I MEAN ISH AT LEAST

there are four characters of the uchiha in which you have an insight of their past/backstory. let me list them and tell you how there backstories came about.

madara - energetic little kid who worked for a better world and worked to become stronger and achieved most of his strength by stealing his brother’s eyes

obito - literally a dumbass who got crushed by a boulder and taken in by madara when madara was an old man, and gives obit his powers through the gedo statue

sasuke - family killed by his brother and who’s goal was to become strong enough to kill said brother

itachi - literally hailed a prodigy, strong ass mother fucker and killed his clan and just rolled over and let his brother kill him bc he his illness killed him, not actually sasuke

now tell me the similarities between all these uchiha boys to make madara “just like any other uchiha”.... can't? good because all characters are different, but anyway.... the reason why madara was “only more powerful” was because at that time, he was the ONLY ONE who had awakened his eternal mangekyou sharingan after stealing his brothers after his death. he possessed all of these powers that no one had seen before. but whatever, right?

he was never credited for being the founder of the uchiha clan, but founder of konoha along side hashirama. unless he was somewhere, which i don't this he was though.... he was simply a legendary leader as i recall.

---

look, i am not trying to say that madara is stronger than aizen and that he could beat him (actually.... look at everything i stated, he is fucking strong but whatever) but there’s just too many differences between the two universes to even make a safe decision.

idk i am sticking with n/a - not applicable for who would win between madara and aizen

okay, off to sleep

i feel so bad if u read this. how bored were u?

#(( I JUST NEED TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST #i was so angry lmao ))#「 ☣ 」❛ LONG POST.#「 ☣ 」❛ OUT OF CHARACTER #TBD.

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