#are supernatural creatures that can separate their torsos from their lower half to hunt for food (like babies or unborn children)

[ianthedebonair]

A thing I drew for #Maynananggal back in, well, May.

[your-dungeon-is-problematic]

Centaur (AD&D)

Yet another creature cribbed from Greek myth, where they were all rapacious drunken wild men who would rampage through the countrysides in whirlwind orgies of sex and violence, except for Chiron, who was pretty much the only decent centaur. So, you’d think centaurs would be perfect for yet another “they’re evil bandits, kill them, kill them all” sort of entry in the Monstrous Manual, right? WRONG! See, they look more human than orcs or hobgoblins or kobolds (at least, from the waist up), and beings so human-like could not possibly be evil, right? Though having said that, they might still be just a little evil, in a manner the writers of this book probably didn’t intend...

General: “Centaurs are woodland beings who shun the company of men. They dwell in remote, secluded glades and pastures. The appearance of a centaur is unmistakable: they have the upper torso, arms, and head of a human being and the lower body of a large, powerful horse. Centaurs speak their own language and some among them (about 10%) can converse in the tongue of elves.” Well! Short, sweet, to the point. Though it is a little odd that they don’t speak common. Hell, only a minority of them bothered to learn Elvish. I wonder why Elvish, though? COULD THEY BE ESTABLISHING A THEME? Yes, yes they are, but first...

Combat: “A band of centaurs is always armed, and the leaders carry shields.” ...That’s a little bit of an ominous way to put it, isn’t it? “Always armed”? I mean I suppose an adventuring party doesn’t have any room to talk, since your average D&D party even at low levels has enough weaponry to besiege a small town, but are there no centaur civilians? And don’t they ever get tired of carrying their weapons? I suppose in theory they could utilize their own horse-backs for cargo transportation purposes, but the illustration up top is clearly an invocation of some kind of nubile noble savage archetype, what with the complete and utter nudity. “Half of the centaurs will be wielding oaken clubs (the equivalent of morning stars), one quarter will carry composite bows and have 10-30 arrows (either flight or sheaf, depending on the current state of affairs in the area). The remainder of the band will be leaders (AC4; HD5) using medium shields and medium horse lances.” Okay, see, again, the wooden clubs and the bows and arrows are again sort of tying into an implied “enlightened nature-loving savage” theme, like elves (COUGH COUGH) only even more so, and yet the leaders have medium shields and horse lances, like medieval knights. Like, alright, if you want to go for the jousting imagery, because they are, in fact, literal horsemen, it doesn’t make sense to me to have the leaders and only the leaders being knights if the rest of their society isn’t at that same level of cultural development. Though that’s just me. “Centaurs make 3 attacks each round in melee: once with their weapons and twice with their hooves.” Oh, shit. Like, no joke, that’s nothing to scoff at. Taking a horse hoof to the head will seriously ruin your day, perhaps the rest of your life.

Habitat/Society: “Centaurs are sociable creatures, taking great pleasure in the society of others of their kind. Their overall organization is tribal, with a tribe divided into family groups living together in harmony. The size of the tribe varies, it range [sic] from 3-4 families to upwards of 20 families. Since males have the dangerous roles of hunter and protector, females outnumber males by two to one.” ...Wait, wait, females are twice as numerous as males, just because the men are the hunters and warriors? The turnover rate is that fucking high? What the shit? When the gender imbalance is that high, I don’t care how conservative and traditionalist these centaurs are, you need to start getting some warrior women up in here. “The centaur mates for life, and the entire tribe participates in the education of the young.” So the children are raised by the tribe as a whole, and yet we still have separate gender roles, with the men hunting and warring, and the women doing...everything else, I guess? “The lair is located deep within a forest, and consists of a large, hidden glade and pasture with a good supply of running water. Depending upon the climate, the lair may contain huts or lean-tos to shelter the individual families. Centaurs are skilled in horticulture, and have been known to cultivate useful plants in the vicinity of their lair. In dangerous, monster infested areas, centaurs will sometimes plant a thick barrier of tough thorn bushes around their lair and even set traps and snares. In the open area, away from the trees, are hearths for cooking and warmth. If encountered in their lair, there will be 1-6 additional males, females equal to twice the number of males, and 5-30 young. The females (3 Hit Dice) and the young (1-3 Hit Dice) will fight only with their hooves, and only in a life or death situation.” Okay, okay, hold up, hold up. First of all, it’s a little creepy how you keep referring to them very clinically. “Males”, “females”, and especially “young”. They’re children, for God’s sake. Second of all, WHAT THE FUCK WHY ARE YOU PROVIDING THE HIT DIE FOR THE FUCKING CHILDREN ARE YOU FUCKING EXPECTING A FUCKING GAMING GROUP IS GOING TO FUCKING GO OUT OF THEIR FUCKING WAY TO FUCKING MURDER CHILDREN Third of all, why are the women unarmed? Like, if they’re the ones handling the horticulture, and they pretty much have to be if the men are out hunting and/or fighting, they should at least have gardening or farming tools that could serve as makeshift weapons. “Centaurs survive through a mixture of hunting, foraging, fishing, agriculture and trade. Though they shun dealings with humans, centaurs have been known to trade with elves, especially for food and wine. The elves are paid from the group treasury, which comes from the booty of slain monsters.” That’s...there’s an, um, an unfortunate little problem, with this concept. Well, more like a pair of problems, rather. And less “little” and more “gigantic”. So, first of all, they shun dealings with humans, but they trade with elves? Why? Do they just scoff at humans not being “close enough to nature”, or whatever? If someone is willing to trade you for a fair price, why not deal with them? What’s with these strange forest sanctions? Secondly, all of their money in their treasury comes from “the booty of slain monsters”??? Excuse me? Like, okay, granted, what the writers deem a “monster” is a far looser set of criteria than what I use, obviously, but usually I deem a monster to be some kind of nonsapient and usually supernatural man-eating creature, of some sort. Now most animals have absolutely no concept of the value of money, and so have no reason to keep any on their person. So obviously, the “monsters” that they slay must have enough higher reasoning to utilize currency. Going by the other examples given in the book, then I would presume the “monsters” that they slay are orcs, goblins, kobolds, and other fully sapient, thinking creatures capable of reason, even if they aren’t often portrayed as such. So, basically the centaurs straight-up murder any orc who wanders into their territory, presumably, given the extreme isolationist xenophobia on display by these centaurs, even the ones who were honestly simply lost in the woods, and take their money for their treasury. That is a lot of forest murder in order to generate enough revenue to pay elvish traders. Inter-polity economics don’t come cheap! I mean, they don’t think to sell any surpluses they might have from the hunting, foraging, fishing, or agriculture mentioned at the beginning of the same paragraph?? Their monetary economy is literally dependent upon there regularly being enough orcs (or other sapient humanoids who lack a sufficient amount of physical beauty) who wander into the woods, maliciously or otherwise, where the centaurs then murder them and take their stuff. That is not a way to generate long-lasting revenue for your economy, that’s a good way for anybody with half a brain stem to notice, “Oh hey, I know of at least 15 people who went into those woods and were never ever heard from again, maybe let’s avoid them.” I mean, again, I suppose adventuring parties have no room to talk in the arena of “killing people and taking their stuff”, but at least those are small groups of individuals, not whole tribal communities large enough to trade with developed elvish states.  “The territory of a centaur tribe varies with its size and the nature of the area it inhabits. Centaurs are also not above sharing a territory with elves.” M-multiculturalism? Could it be? For once, an instance where two races live peaceably in a cosmopolitan mix of people? “The attitude of a centaur toward a stranger in its territory will vary with the visitor. Humans and dwarves will usually be asked to leave in a polite manner, while halflings or gnomes will be tolerated, and elves will be welcome.” Oh. No. It’s just centaurs being racist pricks towards anyone who isn’t an elf, who for some bizarre reason are apparently the only species the centaurs see as equals?? Like, the language of them “tolerating” gnomes and halflings suggests a sort of intolerance, ironically enough. Like, if a gnome or halfling wanted to live among centaurs, for whatever reason, it seems that they’d quickly become a second-class citizen within the tribe. But hey, at least they’re not one of those nasty humans or industrial-minded dwarves. God forbid even a single tree be felled to fuel a hearth. Hearths that centaurs have in their forest lairs, according to this same article. ...How does the smoke not give them away, I wonder? I just noticed that. “Monsters will be dealt with in a manner according to the threat they represent to the welfare and survival of the tribe. Were a giant or dragon to enter the territory, the centaurs would pull up stakes and relocate, while trolls and orcs and their like will be killed.” Ah. Mm. Right. Okay. So. If a tribe of orcs, desperately searching for a land they can call their own, settle in your forest, because you’ve been hiding out in your secret special awesome secret glade and haven’t bothered to make it clear that these lands are already taken, you would prefer to murder them all in lieu of peaceable diplomatic negotiations beneficial to all involved?  Oh, wait, right, these orcs will probably have cash. How else are you going to buy some sweet elvish brandy if you don’t murder these orcs, men, women, and children, all, to get your hands on their pocket change? Of course, the fact that they would move out of their forest if a giant or dragon came to town kind of makes their tree-hugging isolationist xenophobia ring a little hollow. It comes off as like, “This is OUR forest, and we shall defend its boughs until our hearts beat their last! Unless you’re bigger than us, in which case, fuck it, we’ll find another forest. There’s plenty, who even cares?” Like, okay, dragons are a pretty hard to deal with problem, granted, but if it’s just the one giant, at least he can’t fly like the dragon can, and I doubt he can outrun you, so if you just did the horse-archer schtick and hit-and-fade a bunch you could probably drive him off, if you all worked together. But then, if you wanted to be most effective in this regard, you’d really, really want to abandon your tradition of having your women be near-total noncombatants, despite outnumbering the men two-to-one. There is strength in numbers, especially when we’re talking about having enough arrows to blot out the sun. “Centaurs will take the treasure of their fallen foes, and are fully aware of its value. Most male centaurs have a small coin supply, while the tribe has a treasury which may well include some magical items. Leaders will have twice the normal individual treasure. This treasure is used to buy food for the group, or to ransom (90% likely) captured or threatened members of the tribe.” So you don’t mint your own money, you take it off of people that you kill. And if you have enough money that most male centaurs have a coin purse, on top of the previously-mentioned treasury, and this supplies you with a not-insignificant amount of magical items, I again must ask: how many people are you guys murdering?! Because with the wealth you have been described as having, and given the one way that the reader has been informed that you collect it, that means that you either have killed one particularly wealthy orc, or, far more likely, have been murdering hundreds, if not thousands of orcs over the years, and rifling through their pockets for change.  And worse yet, this isn’t just one centaur tribe, this is every centaur tribe, since this is an entry for the species as a whole. Every centaur tribe has a fairly substantial treasury funded by the dead bodies of orcs who may well have simply made the mistake of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, because as you’ll recall, the centaurs’ policy towards orcs in their forests is strictly of the “shoot first, ask questions never” variety. “While basically neutral or chaotic good, centaurs have been known to become rowdy, boorish, and aggressive when under the influence of alcohol. They are also extremely protective of their females and young.” ...So, a species of strangely forest-obsessed frat-bros? “Centaurs are basically pastoral, but will react with violence if their lifestyle and survival is threatened.” Alright, that seems reasonable in theory, and yet so far the examples provided of them acting violent towards intruders don’t seem to be justified by this line of thought. What do these centaurs see as a “threat to their lifestyle and survival?” Because it seems that they believe that you are a threat to their lifestyle or survival by dint of being born an orc, in a lot of cases. If a human or dwarf whom they “politely asked to leave” then refused to leave as asked, would the human or dwarf then become a threat to their lifestyle or survival, too?? They kind of come across as racist Luddites.

Ecology: “The centaur lives in close harmony with nature and spends its lifetime carefully conserving the natural resources around its lair. The race seems to have an innate knowledge of how to achieve this precious balance.” Though with the way they treat non-elves, it certainly doesn’t seem that they’re willing to share any knowledge about the subject to anybody who doesn’t already know it. I mean, some protectors of nature you’ve turned out to be, if you don’t bother to teach others how you manage to do it so efficiently, even though that would be the most effective way of preserving the environment, by spreading your techniques. “If forced to chop down a tree, a centaur will plant another to replace it. Centaurs never over hunt or over fish an area as a human group might do, but choose their game with care, limiting the amount they eat.” Ah. Do you also have proper birth control? Because if the answer is no, if your population growth is positive, then it doesn’t matter how much you limit the amount you eat, your population will eventually outstrip your ability to acquire food in a sustainable manner, and you’ll have to look to outside sources, which means you’ll need a source of income, which means you’ll go on another pogrom against orcs, goblins, kobolds, or anybody else who doesn’t look like you and whom you assume “was probably up to no good, anyhow”, because your economy is LITERALLY SUSTAINED BY HATE CRIMES.

Overall: Okay, like, I know it wasn’t the intent of the writers, because they themselves were working with the assumption that orcs were either evil to a man, or the exceptions were so rare that it wouldn’t be worth it to give any random orc your run across the benefit of the doubt, but from a more nuanced perspective where no, not every orc is a bloodthirsty evil psychopathic maniac who would attempt to murder you as soon as look at you, then their entire economy is literally founded on hate crimes. To these centaurs, orcs, who have Intelligence scores, and therefore are sapient, and have all the free will that any other sapient species does and can choose not to be evil, are simply monsters that can be killed, their corpses rifled through for money and trinkets to throw on the community money pile. That attitude combined with their haughty disdain for humans and dwarves, and what seems to be only thinly-veiled disdain for halflings and gnomes, makes them seem less like wise and noble guardians of the forest, and more like xenophobic isolationist racist Luddites who will murder you for looking funny while also being on their property, which they apparently don’t mark, considering they live in secret glades while the men go out and stalk the woods for “intruders”, intruders who probably didn’t know that this forest was already occupied because nobody bothered to warn a guy, first. And their weird nonsensical misogyny is just a topper on a cake of horrible. Like, there’s a trope called “Men Are The Expendable Gender”, but I don’t think that trope should be in play when men are literally so scarce that they are outnumbered by women two-to-one. It does not make sense. All in all, their alignment being “Chaotic Good” is nothing short of baffling. The most “good” they do is living in a way that is environmentally friendly. A way that they have not deigned to share with “polluters” like humans and dwarves, despite that if they lived like you, you wouldn’t have any reason to disdain them, and the only way they’d learn these secrets, it seems, is if you bothered to get off your high horse and teach them a thing or two, you jackasses!

...So yeah, they need a rewrite. The drunken marauders would almost be better, quite frankly, because at least their violence was fueled by hedonistic drunken revelry, and not hate-crimes with a monetary goal.